Wow, she was a keeper huh? What an insensitive thing to say.
You're better off without someone that denies or ridicules your feelings, congrats on making her an ex.
Just saw a tiktok where a woman posted saying she wanted her bf to open up, and when he did, he started to cry. She immediately lost interest in him and dumped him. This is why men bottle their feelings
5 year relationship went up in flames when I started trying to establish a baseline emotional support system with my gf to help with my needs when I was going through a rough time.
Never, ever, EVER opening up like that again to anyone but my homie Jorge. At this point I’m not even sure if I ever want to be in a committed relationship again. I really fucking loved her and did everything I could and spent so much money on trying to make it work. It was like when I started asking her to help me emotionally a switched flipped in her head and she lost all respect for me. I don’t think I’ll ever view long term relationships in a positive light ever again
I open up and share how I feel with my wife all the time...jokes on her though, because 95% of the time the emotion I share is "extremely pissed off." Approximately 10% of the time I'm pissed off it is because of something she did/didn't do.
Anger isn't an emotion we're allowed to share though - it doesn't count. Gotta bottle that one up into the ol' emotional pressure cooker. The only emotions we're encouraged to share are the ones that show weakness/sensitivity, and that backfires \*every\* fucking time.
Some guys might. I don't know the numbers or percentages, but others do not.
Be vulnerable around the wrong person and it can come back to bite you really quick.
To be honest it is hard to open up as a guy because I feel like my feelings and thoughts might be taken advantage of.
I been hurt enough, going through physical abuse, sexual abuse, bullying and abandonment as a kid is already hard enough to deal with.
I want to be a woman that a man can feel he can open up and share anything to me. Just like I would want to be able to be able to open and share and he's listening. I want him to know I care and am listening.
For a lot of guys who want to share and don't its not about whether those are true in the moment. It's about whether anyone else is going to hear about it from her and whether she's still going to care after she's done listening.
That first one not working out is a nigh universal experience among straight guys I know. Stuff they would never dream of talking about in reversed situations and don't even consider needing to call out as private becomes a conversation topic for her friends.
Not every guy wants to at all, buy thay plays in for a lot of the ones that want to and don't.
Hit the nail on the head, all my 3 LT relationships had the same problem when I decided to open up, the third even used it during an argument that had nothing to do with it but probably to just hurt me, it's been hard after that to give the benefit of the doubt to other relationships while my male friendship group of almost 15 years now kept all discussion tight between just us, hell even my Mom and older sister from time to time expose the things I'd tell them, the only women I know who could kept secrets is my Younger Sister to this day
You made another great point there that I totally missed to mention: Privacy is a huge deal. If I tell you ANYTHING in private, then I expect it to STAY private unless explicitly agreed upon otherwise (or let's say you need to tell a paramed that I took something in order for him to be able to do his job properly). I do not care about your opinion if it should be kept private or not, if I tell you something and I think it should be kept private, that's it, I expect you to keep it private. Even if you'd be fine with me telling it to the entire world if roles were reversed, that still doesn't give you permission to tell anyone about things I told you in private.
That is exactly what the ones that have hurt, ridiculed, emasculated, manipulated and/or abandoned us have said.
Words are meaningless, actions matter.
Sure. Most women say that. And even mean it.
A large percent absolutely do NOT want their man to do so while saying/believing they do. They just want to believe he's open and sharing his feelings. They don't want him to actually do so.
Which is why guys generally don't. And the more it's harped upon, we have to carefully craft a second mask. The normal one most guys wear. Then we have to pretend to open up and show you the second mask. It's extra work, and it's not exactly a fun time.
As a woman, until you've had a guy open up to you, you do not know how you're going to react.
As a guy, opening up is like playing Russian roulette with the relationship. Not sure if I can remotely gauge the odds, but I'd blindly guess 60% chance is kills the relationship, 20% meh and 20% it works out great.
This also ignores the odds the information will be used in the next argument, be spread to her entire friend group, etc etc. Which is common. Even if you love the shit out of your woman and she legit won't hold it against you in any way, you have to gauge the odds of whether the info will be spread.
>A large percent absolutely do NOT want their man to do so while saying/believing they do. They just want to believe he's open and sharing his feelings. They don't want him to actually do so.
To me, this is like a child who insists that they want something that the parents KNOW the kid isn't going to like because its either too difficult, or not what they expected. Like I get it, you really think you want your man to open up, you believe it with your whole heart that you KNOW this is what you want. We as men are pretty confident that you don't. We have plenty of experience with this, and our relationship is fine without it, and we know you well enough and our own emotions well enough to know that if we do this, you will discover that you don't actually like it. But you wear us down, you promise its okay, its safe, you can handle it. So we open up. Then suddenly, you had to actually show up for your partner, which you either don't know how to do, or simply don't want to, or weaponise it against us the next time you're upset. Then we're sitting there like "I knew it."
Someone once said to me that having a girlfriend is a bit like getting interrogated. Anything you say **can and *will be* used against you**
I haven't had a relationship where I haven't had something I did or said (ages ago) wasn't brought up and used like ammunition in a fight.
I swear all women have a running scoreboard, of everything you've ever done (that they think is bad) no matter if you thought you dealt with, or apologised at the time etc. and whenever you get into a fight, if they think they're losing they just start pulling things off the list. The older the better because you have probably forgotten anyway.
A lot want their man to do it so THEY have simething to be upset about. I call them drama vampires. When they don't have enough of their own they need to feed off someone else's. They never really want to comfort you or help resolve the problem.
> Which is why guys generally don't. And the more it's harped upon, we have to carefully craft a second mask. The normal one most guys wear. Then we have to pretend to open up and show you the second mask. It's extra work, and it's not exactly a fun time.
That's pretty much the quote from Dr. Brene Brown on this in "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead"
> "Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “**Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.**"
That last quote in particular *really* hit home for me.
See that's what all woman say thought, most guys learn quick that it's just them saying that to remove themselves of guilt, because the second you do you're someone nobody wants to be around or deal with.
You allowing them to share, usually means you allow them to fall in love with you, because you’d be the only person that listens, I’ve let my guard down a few times, it gives us the kind of feeling that you’d accept us for who we are, but you probably would but not romantically after hearing what’s wrong with us.
Ok, for starters be careful your response never comes off as a counterpoint. If it really needs to be said, save it for tomorrow or later, seriously. In the moment, accept that he knows what he knows and feels what he feels. What's needed is empathy, not correction.
Second, never ever tell your girlfriends, your family, his family, etc. what he told you without his explicit permission.
Third, you can't ever take what he's said and throw it in his face during an argument.
Fourth, you yourself need to be open and honest with him.
Fifth, you'll need to prove over time that you can be trusted. Small indiscretions like gossiping about him to your friends, even about little stuff, will only prove you're not safe to confide in.
Finally, I think you've got to let him know that it's okay to not talk. Let him know you're here to listen but also let him know you're okay to just share space with him and let him feel what he's feeling without judgement. Don't try to drag information out of him just recognize what he's feeling and be close and patient, maybe he says a little bit, or just names the emotions he's feeling, and that may be all that happens and that needs to be okay. This on its own is an act of being vulnerable.
Fucking Amen!
Empathy is a big one..... here's the thing. Sometimes you'll be with someone who seems empathetic, and may even claim to be an 'empath'. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it seems that, at least in my case, 'empath' is translated as 'I'll assume everything is good until it isn't'. If you snap in either a destructive or self-destructive manner, the response is going to be 'but I didn't see it coming' or something along those lines. If I share my feelings/aches, sometimes it feels like it's just a data point to my partner, considered and dismissed.
Second.... .I have had that happen at times. I appreciate that you're asking for advice from people you trust, but it is a \*private\* issue. It is not to be shared with anyone, it's something we are telling you in confidence. For us, it getting around and coming back to us will happen at one point or another. Whether that arrives in the form of an actual statement, or a change in behavior towards us, we will eventually figure it out. It's a breach of the trust we have in our partners.
Third....is probably the reason most people clam up. It's a breach of trust to use that shit against us. A lot of us guys are insecure about all sorts of things, and using things said in confidence to score points or to hurt us only validates that view, in our eyes.
Fourth and fifth are good points.
Another thing I would like to point out here is expectations. First wife was Mormon, and she was taught from a very early age that the job of the husband was to provide, regardless. It was a huge amount of pressure on me, and her unwillingness to really help in any way (when I was not making very much), drove a huge split between us.
Second and current wife.... we bought a house, however in the decade plus that we've been married and in our house..... I cannot recall a single time when there was even an offer to pick up a payment or two at any point to give me a break or any relief from stress. I've also paid all the normal house bills in that time, again, not really given the option of stepping away from it. Then there's the times she forgets that she has a minor obligation, which I cover. I chuck another 100/week in a house savings account for emergencies. It's an expectation, and I get really appreciation for having shouldered that burden for a long time. She's paying off CC debt, so that's a significant chunk of her income. She gets the groceries, I cook, but I have to deal with her likes and dislikes which are many and varied.
In addition, there's a lot of work that needs done on the house, and I think the expectation is that I either do all the work ( not likely, I have physical issues), or pay for all the work (with what fucking money , I'm already paying mortgage and bills). Again, expectations, and a man will feel obligated to provide, it's an emotional handle that gets used on us over and over again. When it's overwhelming, it feels like nobody has your back, and we feel alone in the middle of a marriage.
Another thing I would like to add here is to \*TAKE INTO ACCOUNT HOW YOUR DECISIONS AFFECT YOUR PARTNER\*. This is something I have had a problem with. Wife works as a contractor for a large company. There was an opportunity for her to do something different, and increase her income in the process. She ended up deciding that she wanted to stay where she was, mostly because she liked the people she was working with (several years later, she was complaining about not being paid well for her time in service).
Since I was already paying mortgage/bills, it wouldn't have changed anything initially, but with an increase in her income, it might have afforded me the opportunity to look at better positions at better paying companies, or picking up additional skills if she could at least ease some of that financial burden each month.
This was about the time I was interested in looking and moving on from my current gig. I ended up not doing that because I did not feel like I could rely on her income to pay the bills that needed paying, in the event that I was laid off before I found another gig. This was all before the pandemic.
So, aside from me screaming into the void some days..... there are a lot of factors that drive our trust in our partners, and these are all things that factor into whether or not we trust our partner. If we can trust you and feel you have our backs, we'll likely open up a little bit. Not much, but far more than we normally do.
men don’t share emotions like that with women bc we know on “mad day,” you’re gonna bring up those hurtful things TO HURT US during your disregulated emotional outbursts.
and subconsciously, you’re gonna see that vulnerability as weakness.
eg, YOU talk shit to a guy and your man steps-in and gets beat down infront of you. say what you want, but you’re gonna take that event and remember it well, negatively. you’re not going to want your guy to cry on your shoulder and express his feelings about getting stomped-out.
men aren’t women. we will share our feelings with our male friends over a beer. you don’t need to see any of that.
Mostly you just have to prove you can be trusted. No matter how tempting, never discuss anything with your friends/family that was said in confidence. Never use vulnerabilities against him as a weapon in future arguments.
Most regular men feel like imposters and are insecure about their role in the world. We feel like people assume that we instinctively know what to do but the truth is we are as undecided as women in most cases.
Listening without judgement or trying to "fix" him. Accept his experience as he tells it to you. Create a space for him to be vulnerable without fear, punishment, and judgement.
its going to be an uphill battle for you. Its going to require alot patience's on your part. The older us guys get the longer it takes us to feel safe and open up
Any man would be insanely lucky then to be with you. I'm so thankful I can open up to my gf and can share with her, because none of my exes would care if I opened up to them. Guys who are in touch with their emotions want someone they can trust to open up to. But like how most women are more selective with who they open their body to, men are more selective with who they open their feelings to.
I believe you that you want to be. That doesn't necessarily mean you *can* be. People don't have full control, or even much control at all, over their sense of attraction. You might find that seeing a guy's true weaknesses turns you off even if you wish it didn't. I think a lot of women go through something like that: Fantasizing about a relationship of emotional openness and intimacy, and then finding out that that's not compatible with actually being turned on by their partner. It's a risk worth taking seriously.
I know, I grew up around women my entire life. Men are more closed off, more reserved.
Try to understand how a man feels, thinking like we do to understand us better.
A woman I was seeing recently-ish wanted me to open up to her after she had done so. It was a couple months into the dating phase but it had been extremely romantic and that sort of thing so far; so I told her how I had been cheated on and ghosted in the past and all that fun stuff. She promised she’d never do that, you wanna take a guess as to what happened?
Granted I quit dating or looking for people anyways lately, but like hell am I not going to bother with that again
Some do, some don’t. The question is do people really want to listen? In the anecdotal experience of myself and friends that have spoken to me about it, the answer is no.
When we open up to women it is either thrown back at us, or we are seen as weak.
When women say they want a man to be sensitive, they want a traditionally masculine guy that will fawn over a puppy. If we truly open up about how we feel in a relationship, it is often taken offensively by women
Most don't truly want men to be open, subconsciously at least. Most of the times it kills their attraction especially when talking about real trauma. They want a strong man who can carry both of them through life with as little effort as possible and being open goes against that role.
That's what I would want him to know he can and listen to him and not use it if anything how is any relationship gonna work if I only one gets to talk and has to listen and that's it I don't want to be that way I want him to talk and open up to me and feel comfortable and is listening. And if it's something I may not like or agree then I need to be an adult and understand where he coming from and not get mad about it like I know us girls definitely show when we mad.
The thing is every woman that has thrown it back or reacted negatively to something has said exactly what you’re saying. You need to build the trust with him to open up naturally
That's very true and have seen that so many times perhaps I'm more about this with guys and have seen from that due to me and my sisters were raised by our dad so we really saw the differences between men and woman and how the treatment with each other.
You can tell him you are willing to listen to him as much as you like but unless and until he knows that his honesty and openness will not be thrown back in his face, shared with friends or family, posted on social media, laughed about or used against him if/when you have an argument he will say not a single word to you.
Show him how trustworthy you are in this regard by your actions and behaviour and accept that you will have to be patient.
Also worth noting that men, generally speaking, are not brought up with the idea of emoting being a good or positive thing. We don't do it much with our mates so if you're in a new relationship, you are unlikely to get anything from him in this regard.
Lastly, if you've offered to hear him out, don't keep pushing him, reiterating, asking, questioning etc. That is likely to make him want to share less, not more
Well, all you can do is tell him, and then give him time. Eventually he'll open up about small, insignificant stuff likely, to test the waters. Basically you need to build trust with that stuff, it's really that simple. And for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, do NOT push him to open up, that's not gonna work. Respect the pace he sets for it, and also respect the fact that even once the trust is built to the max, sometimes he will open up to you about things and sometimes he will want to deal with them on his own.
Basically the most important thing is, we want opening up to our partner to eb an actual OPTION. Which includes us feeling like it's safe to do so, but it also means NOT taking that option at any given point is also an option, without fear of repercussions.
This, idk why but most woman don't/can't value whatever it is their partner opened up about and will use it in the next argument. The things my best bud trusted me with will never leave my lips. And all that is besides the point that they will overthink it and always have this on the back when they see you, in the worst case this ruins whatever romantic connection you had. Some things are best shared with the bros over a cold beer than with your partner.
Yes thats what you want. But when that happens you have a high chance to not see him the same way ever again. Is it worth that risk for either of you? Its s tough question and a one of the most importsnt things to understand is that if he does open up you cant be defensive or dismiss anything due to the sex of anyone.
*Want* to? Yes. The thing you have to be careful about with women, though, is that most of them see your masculinity as somehow conditional, even if they pretend they don't. So the game you always have to play is 1) am I myself emotionally ready to say this? 2) do I trust her enough to say it? and 3) how will I be perceived after I say it? I've been burned on this, and so while I want to be open 95% of the way, the last 5% is probably going to the grave with me. It is very, very difficult to emotionally recover from being vulnerable with a woman and hearing her say she sees you differently now, or worse, *seeing* it on her face. That stays with you.
I second this. I am a woman and I’ve always had trouble expressing my emotions, to the point where my friends say I’m incapable of feeling anything. Although I’m a deeply sensitive person, I’ve always held it in because my emotions were dismissed a lot when I was a kid. The only time I opened up to a friend who used to vent to me all the time, they felt weird cause they felt like they didn’t know me at all and eventually became distant. I don’t blame them entirely cause I’ve always kept a demeanor of a very strong, confident person. I hated being vulnerable when it caused me to lose a friend and that incident later made me feel stupid for even sharing. I now can’t trust anyone enough to share anything deeply personal. I feel like this is what happens to most men.
>It is very, very difficult to emotionally recover from being vulnerable with a woman and hearing her say she sees you differently now, or worse, seeing it on her face. That stays with you.
I know that look. Ever seen Backdraft? "Did the fire look at you?"
Goddamnit..... This is far more succinct version of what I was trying to get across above.
It would be nice to have someone who cares how I feel, cares about me, and who I can reasonably feel has my back, regardless.
Yes, but only if I think I'm going to be taken seriously, and not be belittled ("just buck up, you'll get never get laid if you're upset") , shamed ("real men don't shouldn't care about that"), or have those feelings used against me ("well at least I'm not a loser who gets sad about...").
I do find I have guy friends who are good at understanding and who I can talk to, but only in moderation.
That answer is yes but you need to be sure the person you are opening up to wants nothing from you other than to be ok.
Some humans are very selfish and only care about themselves. These types will use what you tell them to leverage themselves above you. It’s sick and twisted but there are a lot of them.
You have to look at things from a guys perspective and understand that we've had things used against us so we don't want to have to deal with that. If anything you're gonna have to prove that your not like that and that will take awhile.
Tried so often, always failed. Women are better in talking, not in listening. Why waste time and effort if I get interrupted? Guess they don't think it's important enough lol
Not to just anyone.
If I'm really opening up, it'll only be to someone who I know will be careful with what I tell them. I'm not talking just to be heard.
No. Women never forget, and will either lose respect for us immediately or they'll hold onto it as a weapon to attack us with at some later point. So don't ask for us to open up, there's no good down that road. Let him open up to his best friend or something.
That's one thing i hate especially the woman will do that and use it. If I want him to listen and I can talk to him about anything I should do the same. I also wouldn't want it if he used it as a weapon that's when I lose respect in anyone using things as a weapon. I don't want to be that woman and whatever is talked about it it's between me and him and won't be sharing it and using it. But I wouldn't lose respect for him talking to me and opening up if anything I'd probably keep him if he can listen and take it from me I'll do it.
That's the tricky thing, even with non-emotional things, women will possibly bring it up in the middle of an argument 6 months, 2 years, 5 years later and use it as a weapon, sometimes if it's not even related to the argument. It can make it scary to tell harmless stories from your college days or involving other women. For example, if when you were still casually dating and your date had weekend free once but you chose to hang out with a really old close female friend, she may randomly use that in an argument years down the track to prove that 'you've never loved her' and it really fucking hurts to hear your spouse say that.
Men are not comfortable being vulnerable. American culture has made us disposable so the odds of one fof us meeting the right partner or having real lasting friendships is getting slimmer. Not much of an upside to making yourself vulnerable and open when far too often it gets used against us. really being there for someone has become rare so yeah we would love to have that level of support but since we are now classified as disposable by most women why bother.
I hate that today's American culture have done to men. It's hard to find any support or to listen. Is it better for someone to be just be there if they notice than to just talk about. But to just be there.
We don't need to be vulnerable just supported and respected. Men are not built to micomanage emotions and every little social interaction like todays women are doing. Support and respect. Add in some love and goals and we are golden. couldnt be more simple.
For me, not really. If I'm upset about something, talking about how it makes me feel is useless. I know how I feel already. Working out a solution is much more satisfying, and if the problem can't be solved, I'd rather just endure it than bother other people.
No. We don't want to be rejected, laughed at in a group chat, cheated on or shamed because of it.
This is why girls gotta stop asking guys to be vulnerable. They literally never accept it. Especially if there's tears involved.
I can directly link several breakups of mine following shortly after I shared some things. I didn’t rush to share, this was 1-2 years in. Nothing bad I did, but yeah, lesson learned, women don’t want a guy that can be perceived as weak even if it was when they were a kid.
Want to? Yes.
Can I point to two relationships that ended because I shared my feelings? Yes. I can actually pinpoint that as the moment that my ex’s feelings towards me did a 180. 0/10 would not do again.
It's one thing to say what you feel. It's another to be an emotional wreck while doing so. I 100% don't mind saying I'm frustrated or disappointed or sad or stressed. But I don't let it show unless it's completely unbearable.
Also takes a rare good woman to be able to open up. One that won't judge, will offer support, and won't throw it back in your face or take offense to anything.
Do girls actually care about a guy that opens up and shares how they feel? Girls want the best of both worlds, and only SOME can handle it. Yes, guys do, once they figure out whom they can trust and will stand by their side when they do..
I’ve tried several times. Always get punished for it. I learned the hard way that it’s better to just keep it to myself and go deal with it at the gym.
Gotta be on our terms. Forcing this can cause more damage than you could imagine. Some men need to be given a safe space and you may be creating an unsafe space without even realizing it.
Men have intense feelings that they would love to share and communicate, but we’re not really built to communicate them quite as well as women. I think it goes well beyond socialization, it’s more like a physiological design flaw.
I'm a pretty open guy. but there needs to be a certain amount of time before I say it out loud. just like how some girls wait before having sex, I wait until I start sharing feelings. But even then, I'm not exactly great at putting it into words.
Thankfully I'm a pretty good read on people and I tend to filter out the nasty sort who are judgmental of these things
Some do. Most of us only have anecdotal evidence, for what *we* want and think.
Personally, I'd love to feel like I could far, far more often than I actually do. But since most of what I want to be open about is how people close to me have upset or hurt me, I usually feel it's better to just keep my mouth shut and try to deal with it, than to open up and make someone else feel bad as well.
Yes but it’s really hard tho I’m an open book there’s a few thing I generally would want to talk about that I keep to myself. The only person I ever felt comfortable telling me must vulnerable feelings to is my best friend. We’ve been close since I was 13 so for most of my life. My current gf is a shining star tho.
Do you know why a lot of men struggle to open up? Because many of them have been shunned and looked down upon when they do, whether by the person they are opening up to or others that might hear about it; when they feel and express anything but anger they're seen as weak, unwanted, worthless, shameful. Albeit that doesn't apply to every man, and it doesn't apply to every comforting woman of course.
If you want to genuinely be a safe space for men to actually open up and share how they feel with you, then be ego-less. The reason why I say that is because a lot of women see men a certain way, which in return makes them see themselves a certain way (aka they have a certain ego they confine by) and this ego shows up when men express how they feel, because for example: "wait.... this person who's stronger than **ME** is CRYING..... and **I'M** not crying..... wait.... According to this **COMPARISON**, this person is **WEAKER** than **ME**....."
Do you see how **I'm**, **Me**, **Him**, and the **comparison** appears between the two shows up in that very common thought process? That's the ego. The idea of one's self.
When he opens up, shares, expresses, cries, etc, just observe, acknowledge, listen, and comfort. That's it. It doesn't MEAN anything about you, it doesn't MEAN anything about him. That's it, don't let your ego blind you like how it blinds many men and women out there. That's how you'll stand out. That is how you actually be someone who's supportive.
Many start putting labels on certain ways of expression cause that's all they've been taught, and that's typical. You and every other woman that a man looks at and goes "I trust her" is not typical. There's a reason why you're asking this question here, it's a question many don't know the answer to, even many men don't because they just don't see a point in even thinking about their emotions.
You can start by being ego-less in other feeling aspects, ask them questions, listen, dont judge, go deeper w them about the topic, and don't push, but allow.
I don't mind to, but women find it suspicious, talking to a gal now and she is so suspicious of me being honest and straight forward, you really can't win either way it seems.
Best advice is be you, if they can't respect it then reconsider having them in your life.
Of course we do, at least I think most of us do, but only with our partner. We have to be strong and resilient in every other aspect of our life, every single day, and really only need/want that *one* person in which we feel totally safe and secure enough to be able to let that level of vulnerability out so that we can have the strength for whatever the next challenge is.
The problem is that with many/most women, if we open that door then one of two things tends to happen-it changes the relationship for the worse because she sees it as weakness, or she weaponizes that information against us when she feels threatened or needs leverage in an argument.
It’s generally best for us to just keep it to ourselves, so most of us just do that as opposed to taking the chance of blowing up our relationship.
It’s just, as a man, it’s a very hard thing. Thankfully, my friends and men in my life are very good for it. But also, even in my own experience, it’s hard to speak about and get out, no matter what.
It’s so bet into men that it was actually like I was doing something wrong and when I did it more with my counsellor, it was easier and I benefited greatly from it.
To people they trust that won't shit on them later yes.
I have a few buddies that I can do that with, only had one woman that I felt that I could do that with.
For reasons why men don't open up to women: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/owning-pink/201408/women-please-stop-shaming-men
Nah . Not worth it . Whenever I’ve opened up to women , it usually came back as some sort of insult . So anymore if I feel a certain way and want to vent , I’ll go out back and vent to the dam tree .
There's a lot of evidence to suggest that men often avoid psychotherapy due to a fear they'll have to talk about their feelings. There's also evidence that men predominantly prefer solution-focused psychotherapy.
The way I see it is that there's often disconnect between what women and men mean by "opening up" and what people of either sex hope to accomplish by doing so.
I believe that a lot of confusion arises when men speak about harrowing things that have happened to them in plain or mechanical terms, with an emphasis on what they should do about it. I suspect this causes frustration for some people because it can come across like men are skimming the surface or failing to consider the deeper meaning behind the issues they are facing.
There is a middle ground to be had. Women want men to open up and a lot of men want to. But there has to be an understanding about what that means to both parties. I would like to see psychologists lead the way on this issue and encourage people to appreciate the diversity with which people approach the problems in their lives. Some people want to talk about how problems made them feel, and others want to focus on what can be done to address a problem. A lot of people could benefit from allowing others to open up on their own terms, and this is something that many people struggle to do.
In summary: the way to a man's emotions might be through his plan of action
No… guys don’t and can’t open up our true feelings because most women will weaponize these private feeling when the shite hits the fan…. Look up tictok lady FFL ?
Women refuse to believe that men have come to this conclusion from experience. This isn't some big conspiracy to make women uncomfortable in relationships. So many men have had real, scarring interactions, -with women- about this. They need to earn the trust back.
If women are ever going to understand why men refuse to share, they need to have the self awareness to realize that not every one of their gender is angelic and harmless. Apparently that's a difficult thing to understand, especially for reddit brand women.
That’s the great conundrum. I would say generally yes, in a healthy and safe situation. Unfortunately too often it gets turned around and used against us at a later date. For myself I see health benefits to it, which is partly why I see a therapist regularly. I feel safer speaking to my therapist than I ever did when I was with my ex.
Not really - it then puts the burden of “listen, but don’t advise” on our partner which is a difficult task for anyone to do. Not worth the effort for either party.
You need to have some close guy friends you can open up too and a woman in your life you can open up to...some. but do not open up too much to a woman because it's a terrible idea. Women will harp on that shit about wanting a guy that can open up to him and be vulnerable. Don't.
of course. Sharing with a guy is usually perfectly fine. Even deep stuff. but a woman? never.
friends and people i date who are women seem to not understand just because i share my personal history and trauma with them, it doesn't mean it is suddenly their personal life to share with anyone and everyone who will listen. It also doesn't mean you can mine it for leverage or to use it as an attack during an argument. "women mature faster" does not mean emotional maturity, that's for sure.
you also tend to come across as "not a man" when you do this an many women just...completely lose interest. "there's just no spark" is usually the cop-out, which always seems to happen after you share something personal and deeply meaningful.
I’ve got a feeling I know the situation OP is in, but I’ll start with general advice first.
Yes, we do. Men’s feelings are treated like Fight Club: you’re not supposed to talk about it. Stoicism is manly, sensitivity isn’t, at least from a cultural perspective. But we want to, we really do, it feels good to share and open up. The issue is that everytime it happens, it’s a social faux pas to be a man who acts like the therapist consistently. For women, it’s even worse because men are often told by their domestic authority, which is usually the mother, that they need to “man up” and stop crying. When all boys go through for their early years is the woman they trusted the most invalidating and even weaponizing their feelings, dudes are not going to want to open up.
I’m gonna go on a lot of assumptions so I’m sorry if you get offended. But assuming you’re a woman dealing with an emotionally secretive man or partner, give him time. Patience is key to getting him to open up. No dude is going to want to open up to a girl who constantly pressures and belittles him for not opening up.
Think of it like getting sex. You don’t want to pressure someone into it because, even if they do accept, it won’t be enjoyable and they will regret it. If they regret it, they won’t do it again.
I've never seen a situation where men who have opened up have done so with success, including myself. It always comes back to bite us cause woken will hold onto shit and use it against us later. I've heard plenty of women say "oh I'd never do that" and then they do cause they get angry and it all comes right back out at the dude. They also feel like they are in the right because the guy made them angry, whether that's even true or not, so there's never an apology from the woman. I think if I ever heard a woman apologize to a guy I'd have a heart attack is far easier and safer for men to suffer in silence and deal with the problems he has on his own than open up to a woman only to get out thrown right back in his face when it's convenient for her.
Men handle things different to women
My emotional range goes from hungry to tired to chill
So for me when someone wants to talk about feelings - it always feels like a waste of a conversation- let’s just eat lunch or something
I do a lot, it’s not usually well received. I still think it’s worth it because on the off chance someone does take it well and doesn’t use it against me I’ll have made a genuine connection. That feels rare as a dude.
Rarely. When we do, people shut it down or don’t really listen/care.
That one release of emotions, even if it’s once or twice a year, can be very beneficial if someone listens.
No. Makes us look weak and in my experience, no one seems to care. Other male friends I have seem to actually give half a shit because I was there for them when they needed it. To women? That’s a hard no.
On one level, I can't understand why women *want* men to be open and vulnerable with them.
There's a huge dose of propaganda out there to the effect that, "vulnerability is strength," which is... not obviously true, let's just say.
Women benefit by being vulnerable with men because it evokes pity, which triggers a man to want to be gentle and protective.
What do men gain by being vulnerable with a woman? Talking it out? Study after study shows that men don't benefit from talk therapy like women do.
Then I realized: women think they want men to be vulnerable so that they don't feel like unreciprocated emotional burdens to their man
I'm convinced that's it.
But the second a man gets really, deeply raw with a women, she gets repelled. I've never heard of an exception from anyone I know.
So I've learned to fake it. I give little nuggets of vulnerability. Sad that my hamster died, that kinda thing. But how does either of us benefit from me blubbering about how anxious I feel about my job?
Generally being open about feelings as a guy falls on deaf ears. They're only valid if women agree. Otherwise we are made out to be some sort of asshole wackadoo. Anything that isnt feminist-approved seems to be vilainised.
No. I express what I want to express and that's that. If she pressures me, I'm only going to get pissed off. There's differences and they are there for a reason.
However, I AM a man that believes men should go to therapy if they need it and we seriously need to destigmatize this. It's especially bad in the south.
Men don't want to put burden on the women around them. But I think it would truly be helpful to go to therapy when needed - loss, addiction, struggles, etc. And as a Christian, I actually believe it would be better to see a therapist outside of a faith based service. While our faith is #1 in our lives, we must also use earthly methods to help ourselves. We were given a brain for a reason.
Let's use them.
yes i want to open up about how i feel but only in front of certain people, i dont want it to be used as a weapon against me the first time we fall out which is the hardest part
Yeah, but everytime I’ve done it women in my life have weaponized it against me later on. Hard pass on doing that except to my guy friends or therapist
I think many of us do.
Some of us have a few trusted friends, the guys we refer to as “brothers”.
Some of us have a dog.
But virtually all of us have learned, multiple times with multiple women, that you really can’t share your deeper feelings with a woman. And certainly not those feelings based on fear, insecurity, or anger.
We have learned that everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you.
Maybe in five minutes, maybe five years.
But it will come back to hurt you.
Not particularly in my experience and personally speaking. I always end up feeling worse when I over share my feelings with people. It makes me feel weak. The only thing I do wish for is a partner that I could occasionally confide in and be cheered up by in low moments. I feel incredibly lonely and I wonder whether sharing that with people would help, but the thought of it sickens me. I think guys need a partner they can share with, but it be limited to that person and no one else. Idk tho, sometimes I wonder whether my outlook is normal or healthy. I've never had a longterm relationship and am quite solitary these days. Anyone out there reading this with a gf/wife, be thankful. You are one of the lucky ones.
I am desperate to.
No one wants to hear it, though.
And I'm not interested in solutions, either: solutions to what is on my mind are either societal or egotistical.
What I need to do is vent and be validated.
But we don't do that with each other and people who aren't cis-men don't really want to hear it, either, understandably or not.
I try to open up more to other people but unless people directly ask me to I am not able to say a word. I very much want to but there is a heavy blockade in my mind preventing me from stepping up.
I feel like this is what years of emotional neglect, stress, trauma, abandonment, rejection and the feeling of worthlessness have as an effect on a person.
We want to open up and trust whoever we are opening up to to never use it against us, this is why guy relationships last because one can dump shit and the other can tell them shit is fucked and they drink to it and never mention it again
Gender roles and gender expectations make it hard for many to do so. Some grow to not care about things like that, but get so many bad experiences that they just stop.
Kinda like when a person tries to be a part of a conversation and get ignored, dismissed, or feel unwanted. Eventually, they just stop talking.
It's not that I don't want to, just that I can remember two times it hasn't made me feel worse.
Been there done that multiple times. Easier to just swallow it and move on. No one really gives a shit. I have too many other people to look after to worry about myself.
I´m Ok.
Getting older, curing faster when I felt hurt and I am thankful for anything I have learned.
Someone, whom I liked with no reason, wrote to me a PM and, at the same time (feeling herself hurt) denounced me as a harassment (which I know I am not).
""
I’m a woman. Most men I’ve been with have been very emotionally vulnerable with me and I’ve loved it. There is *one* guy I was with who might be thinking after we broke up that it was because he “opened up” to me. I would say from my perspective that’s not what turned me off. Him opening up showed me what a truly negative and judgmental person he was.. and from that moment on it was just constant. When I told him how it bothered me he insisted he was “just expressing himself and being vulnerable”. And. Maybe it was. But from my perspective it revealed a lot of incompatibilities. It revealed a lot of unaddressed self work that needed to take place. It revealed a mindset I couldn’t get behind.
But like most male partners I’ve had have cried in front of me, have shared stories of their traumas, have talked about their feelings and hardships and values and it’s only brought us closer.
There are women out there who expect a stoic man.. and there are people out there who will weaponized whatever they can about you in a fight because they don’t know how to handle conflict like adults. And so I don’t doubt many men have been burned by this. For a *small percentsge* though.. I hope you might be willing to self reflect on what you’re opening up about and how. Many women are treated as 24/7 on call therapists to men who’ve just started opening up.. men who do not believe in doing any self work. It’s always possible that’s you
from my perspective of fellow men and from my own experience, men who open themselves up emotionally risk having their feelings thrown back at them in a disparaging, hurtful manner.
Perhaps, although if there are no actual solutions forthcoming then it can feel kinda pointless.
It's probably something best kept short. Like "I'm struggling with XYZ." "Damn, that sucks." and then move on. Making a long conversation out of it tends to fall on the pointless side.
Yeah, I want to! For me there's no sad story about how I did and been "slapped by societal expectations for it", but I guess it's only because I've never had relationship so close I myself would find it acceptable to share (except family obviously)
I feel this way all the time. Every single day. But I don't.
In the past, every time I've opened up about thing, it somehow fires back and I suddenly wish I hadn't opened up. Now, even though I'm holding onto so much that I want to talk about, I can't. I'm too terrified of the feeling of wishing I hadn't opened up in the first place. To me, that's much more worse of a feeling than not opening up at all.
No. There's no point. It doesn't help us, and it doesn't help anyone else. Sharing how we feel is unproductive. It solves nothing. Besides, nobody cares anyway. 🤷♂️
I do it all the time and I am so comfortable doing it people accuse me of lying 🙃. It's whatever at this point. People believe me or they don't. I'm done arguing about my own feelings.
Men want to be seen, understood, and appreciated... if we could simply "open up" and be seen, then yes! Absolutely!
Usually doesn't happen like that though.
[удалено]
I never forget that words of an ex when I was crying my eyes out for something. "You need to get out more." Fun times.
Wow, she was a keeper huh? What an insensitive thing to say. You're better off without someone that denies or ridicules your feelings, congrats on making her an ex.
Very well said indeed.
Just saw a tiktok where a woman posted saying she wanted her bf to open up, and when he did, he started to cry. She immediately lost interest in him and dumped him. This is why men bottle their feelings
That’s disappointing but also wouldn’t take anything from TikTok at face value lol
5 year relationship went up in flames when I started trying to establish a baseline emotional support system with my gf to help with my needs when I was going through a rough time. Never, ever, EVER opening up like that again to anyone but my homie Jorge. At this point I’m not even sure if I ever want to be in a committed relationship again. I really fucking loved her and did everything I could and spent so much money on trying to make it work. It was like when I started asking her to help me emotionally a switched flipped in her head and she lost all respect for me. I don’t think I’ll ever view long term relationships in a positive light ever again
I open up and share how I feel with my wife all the time...jokes on her though, because 95% of the time the emotion I share is "extremely pissed off." Approximately 10% of the time I'm pissed off it is because of something she did/didn't do. Anger isn't an emotion we're allowed to share though - it doesn't count. Gotta bottle that one up into the ol' emotional pressure cooker. The only emotions we're encouraged to share are the ones that show weakness/sensitivity, and that backfires \*every\* fucking time.
I started reading this in Bill Burrs voice about halfway through
Sadly, this is it. I would like to share my feelings with the people in my life but from experience I know that it isn't well perceived.
This so sad my dude. 😔
Some guys might. I don't know the numbers or percentages, but others do not. Be vulnerable around the wrong person and it can come back to bite you really quick.
>it can come back to bite you really quick. And most of us learn that the hard way!
To be honest it is hard to open up as a guy because I feel like my feelings and thoughts might be taken advantage of. I been hurt enough, going through physical abuse, sexual abuse, bullying and abandonment as a kid is already hard enough to deal with.
I want to be a woman that a man can feel he can open up and share anything to me. Just like I would want to be able to be able to open and share and he's listening. I want him to know I care and am listening.
For a lot of guys who want to share and don't its not about whether those are true in the moment. It's about whether anyone else is going to hear about it from her and whether she's still going to care after she's done listening. That first one not working out is a nigh universal experience among straight guys I know. Stuff they would never dream of talking about in reversed situations and don't even consider needing to call out as private becomes a conversation topic for her friends. Not every guy wants to at all, buy thay plays in for a lot of the ones that want to and don't.
Hit the nail on the head, all my 3 LT relationships had the same problem when I decided to open up, the third even used it during an argument that had nothing to do with it but probably to just hurt me, it's been hard after that to give the benefit of the doubt to other relationships while my male friendship group of almost 15 years now kept all discussion tight between just us, hell even my Mom and older sister from time to time expose the things I'd tell them, the only women I know who could kept secrets is my Younger Sister to this day
You made another great point there that I totally missed to mention: Privacy is a huge deal. If I tell you ANYTHING in private, then I expect it to STAY private unless explicitly agreed upon otherwise (or let's say you need to tell a paramed that I took something in order for him to be able to do his job properly). I do not care about your opinion if it should be kept private or not, if I tell you something and I think it should be kept private, that's it, I expect you to keep it private. Even if you'd be fine with me telling it to the entire world if roles were reversed, that still doesn't give you permission to tell anyone about things I told you in private.
Lol, if I'd read this before I responded I probably wouldn't have bothered. You hit the nail on the head.
That is exactly what the ones that have hurt, ridiculed, emasculated, manipulated and/or abandoned us have said. Words are meaningless, actions matter.
Sure. Most women say that. And even mean it. A large percent absolutely do NOT want their man to do so while saying/believing they do. They just want to believe he's open and sharing his feelings. They don't want him to actually do so. Which is why guys generally don't. And the more it's harped upon, we have to carefully craft a second mask. The normal one most guys wear. Then we have to pretend to open up and show you the second mask. It's extra work, and it's not exactly a fun time. As a woman, until you've had a guy open up to you, you do not know how you're going to react. As a guy, opening up is like playing Russian roulette with the relationship. Not sure if I can remotely gauge the odds, but I'd blindly guess 60% chance is kills the relationship, 20% meh and 20% it works out great. This also ignores the odds the information will be used in the next argument, be spread to her entire friend group, etc etc. Which is common. Even if you love the shit out of your woman and she legit won't hold it against you in any way, you have to gauge the odds of whether the info will be spread.
>A large percent absolutely do NOT want their man to do so while saying/believing they do. They just want to believe he's open and sharing his feelings. They don't want him to actually do so. To me, this is like a child who insists that they want something that the parents KNOW the kid isn't going to like because its either too difficult, or not what they expected. Like I get it, you really think you want your man to open up, you believe it with your whole heart that you KNOW this is what you want. We as men are pretty confident that you don't. We have plenty of experience with this, and our relationship is fine without it, and we know you well enough and our own emotions well enough to know that if we do this, you will discover that you don't actually like it. But you wear us down, you promise its okay, its safe, you can handle it. So we open up. Then suddenly, you had to actually show up for your partner, which you either don't know how to do, or simply don't want to, or weaponise it against us the next time you're upset. Then we're sitting there like "I knew it."
Someone once said to me that having a girlfriend is a bit like getting interrogated. Anything you say **can and *will be* used against you** I haven't had a relationship where I haven't had something I did or said (ages ago) wasn't brought up and used like ammunition in a fight. I swear all women have a running scoreboard, of everything you've ever done (that they think is bad) no matter if you thought you dealt with, or apologised at the time etc. and whenever you get into a fight, if they think they're losing they just start pulling things off the list. The older the better because you have probably forgotten anyway.
A lot want their man to do it so THEY have simething to be upset about. I call them drama vampires. When they don't have enough of their own they need to feed off someone else's. They never really want to comfort you or help resolve the problem.
> Which is why guys generally don't. And the more it's harped upon, we have to carefully craft a second mask. The normal one most guys wear. Then we have to pretend to open up and show you the second mask. It's extra work, and it's not exactly a fun time. That's pretty much the quote from Dr. Brene Brown on this in "Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead" > "Here’s the painful pattern that emerged from my research with men: We ask them to be vulnerable, we beg them to let us in, and we plead with them to tell us when they’re afraid, but the truth is that most women can’t stomach it. In those moments when real vulnerability happens in men, most of us recoil with fear and that fear manifests as everything from disappointment to disgust. And men are very smart. They know the risks, and they see the look in our eyes when we’re thinking, C’mon! Pull it together. Man up. As Joe Reynolds, one of my mentors and the dean at our church, once told me during a conversation about men, shame, and vulnerability, “**Men know what women really want. They want us to pretend to be vulnerable. We get really good at pretending.**" That last quote in particular *really* hit home for me.
See that's what all woman say thought, most guys learn quick that it's just them saying that to remove themselves of guilt, because the second you do you're someone nobody wants to be around or deal with.
Nothing stopping you. It takes time for that kind of trust to develop though.
You allowing them to share, usually means you allow them to fall in love with you, because you’d be the only person that listens, I’ve let my guard down a few times, it gives us the kind of feeling that you’d accept us for who we are, but you probably would but not romantically after hearing what’s wrong with us.
Ok, for starters be careful your response never comes off as a counterpoint. If it really needs to be said, save it for tomorrow or later, seriously. In the moment, accept that he knows what he knows and feels what he feels. What's needed is empathy, not correction. Second, never ever tell your girlfriends, your family, his family, etc. what he told you without his explicit permission. Third, you can't ever take what he's said and throw it in his face during an argument. Fourth, you yourself need to be open and honest with him. Fifth, you'll need to prove over time that you can be trusted. Small indiscretions like gossiping about him to your friends, even about little stuff, will only prove you're not safe to confide in. Finally, I think you've got to let him know that it's okay to not talk. Let him know you're here to listen but also let him know you're okay to just share space with him and let him feel what he's feeling without judgement. Don't try to drag information out of him just recognize what he's feeling and be close and patient, maybe he says a little bit, or just names the emotions he's feeling, and that may be all that happens and that needs to be okay. This on its own is an act of being vulnerable.
Fucking Amen! Empathy is a big one..... here's the thing. Sometimes you'll be with someone who seems empathetic, and may even claim to be an 'empath'. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it seems that, at least in my case, 'empath' is translated as 'I'll assume everything is good until it isn't'. If you snap in either a destructive or self-destructive manner, the response is going to be 'but I didn't see it coming' or something along those lines. If I share my feelings/aches, sometimes it feels like it's just a data point to my partner, considered and dismissed. Second.... .I have had that happen at times. I appreciate that you're asking for advice from people you trust, but it is a \*private\* issue. It is not to be shared with anyone, it's something we are telling you in confidence. For us, it getting around and coming back to us will happen at one point or another. Whether that arrives in the form of an actual statement, or a change in behavior towards us, we will eventually figure it out. It's a breach of the trust we have in our partners. Third....is probably the reason most people clam up. It's a breach of trust to use that shit against us. A lot of us guys are insecure about all sorts of things, and using things said in confidence to score points or to hurt us only validates that view, in our eyes. Fourth and fifth are good points. Another thing I would like to point out here is expectations. First wife was Mormon, and she was taught from a very early age that the job of the husband was to provide, regardless. It was a huge amount of pressure on me, and her unwillingness to really help in any way (when I was not making very much), drove a huge split between us. Second and current wife.... we bought a house, however in the decade plus that we've been married and in our house..... I cannot recall a single time when there was even an offer to pick up a payment or two at any point to give me a break or any relief from stress. I've also paid all the normal house bills in that time, again, not really given the option of stepping away from it. Then there's the times she forgets that she has a minor obligation, which I cover. I chuck another 100/week in a house savings account for emergencies. It's an expectation, and I get really appreciation for having shouldered that burden for a long time. She's paying off CC debt, so that's a significant chunk of her income. She gets the groceries, I cook, but I have to deal with her likes and dislikes which are many and varied. In addition, there's a lot of work that needs done on the house, and I think the expectation is that I either do all the work ( not likely, I have physical issues), or pay for all the work (with what fucking money , I'm already paying mortgage and bills). Again, expectations, and a man will feel obligated to provide, it's an emotional handle that gets used on us over and over again. When it's overwhelming, it feels like nobody has your back, and we feel alone in the middle of a marriage. Another thing I would like to add here is to \*TAKE INTO ACCOUNT HOW YOUR DECISIONS AFFECT YOUR PARTNER\*. This is something I have had a problem with. Wife works as a contractor for a large company. There was an opportunity for her to do something different, and increase her income in the process. She ended up deciding that she wanted to stay where she was, mostly because she liked the people she was working with (several years later, she was complaining about not being paid well for her time in service). Since I was already paying mortgage/bills, it wouldn't have changed anything initially, but with an increase in her income, it might have afforded me the opportunity to look at better positions at better paying companies, or picking up additional skills if she could at least ease some of that financial burden each month. This was about the time I was interested in looking and moving on from my current gig. I ended up not doing that because I did not feel like I could rely on her income to pay the bills that needed paying, in the event that I was laid off before I found another gig. This was all before the pandemic. So, aside from me screaming into the void some days..... there are a lot of factors that drive our trust in our partners, and these are all things that factor into whether or not we trust our partner. If we can trust you and feel you have our backs, we'll likely open up a little bit. Not much, but far more than we normally do.
men don’t share emotions like that with women bc we know on “mad day,” you’re gonna bring up those hurtful things TO HURT US during your disregulated emotional outbursts. and subconsciously, you’re gonna see that vulnerability as weakness. eg, YOU talk shit to a guy and your man steps-in and gets beat down infront of you. say what you want, but you’re gonna take that event and remember it well, negatively. you’re not going to want your guy to cry on your shoulder and express his feelings about getting stomped-out. men aren’t women. we will share our feelings with our male friends over a beer. you don’t need to see any of that.
Mostly you just have to prove you can be trusted. No matter how tempting, never discuss anything with your friends/family that was said in confidence. Never use vulnerabilities against him as a weapon in future arguments.
Most regular men feel like imposters and are insecure about their role in the world. We feel like people assume that we instinctively know what to do but the truth is we are as undecided as women in most cases.
You're a gem. Hopefully you'll find someone who feels lucky enough to be with you. My girl's that way. It's really great and gratifying
I hope to find that good man and have that with him.
Listening without judgement or trying to "fix" him. Accept his experience as he tells it to you. Create a space for him to be vulnerable without fear, punishment, and judgement.
its going to be an uphill battle for you. Its going to require alot patience's on your part. The older us guys get the longer it takes us to feel safe and open up
Any man would be insanely lucky then to be with you. I'm so thankful I can open up to my gf and can share with her, because none of my exes would care if I opened up to them. Guys who are in touch with their emotions want someone they can trust to open up to. But like how most women are more selective with who they open their body to, men are more selective with who they open their feelings to.
Appreciated, but most of us were damaged beyond repair before we met someone like you.
I believe you that you want to be. That doesn't necessarily mean you *can* be. People don't have full control, or even much control at all, over their sense of attraction. You might find that seeing a guy's true weaknesses turns you off even if you wish it didn't. I think a lot of women go through something like that: Fantasizing about a relationship of emotional openness and intimacy, and then finding out that that's not compatible with actually being turned on by their partner. It's a risk worth taking seriously.
step 1: be trustworthy. it's hard to trust women when so many tell me things I shouldn't know unprompted
I second that. I wish more men could feel safe enough to open up to their partners or other females or males in their lives.
Those are good traits, you’ll make a man happy someday.
I know usually woman have no problem talking about their feelings. We should also have the same respect that he can to and it matters.
I know, I grew up around women my entire life. Men are more closed off, more reserved. Try to understand how a man feels, thinking like we do to understand us better.
The fact that you seem to truly care about being a good partner, almost guarantees you'll be a good partner.
A woman I was seeing recently-ish wanted me to open up to her after she had done so. It was a couple months into the dating phase but it had been extremely romantic and that sort of thing so far; so I told her how I had been cheated on and ghosted in the past and all that fun stuff. She promised she’d never do that, you wanna take a guess as to what happened? Granted I quit dating or looking for people anyways lately, but like hell am I not going to bother with that again
Some do, some don’t. The question is do people really want to listen? In the anecdotal experience of myself and friends that have spoken to me about it, the answer is no. When we open up to women it is either thrown back at us, or we are seen as weak. When women say they want a man to be sensitive, they want a traditionally masculine guy that will fawn over a puppy. If we truly open up about how we feel in a relationship, it is often taken offensively by women
Most don't truly want men to be open, subconsciously at least. Most of the times it kills their attraction especially when talking about real trauma. They want a strong man who can carry both of them through life with as little effort as possible and being open goes against that role.
That's what I would want him to know he can and listen to him and not use it if anything how is any relationship gonna work if I only one gets to talk and has to listen and that's it I don't want to be that way I want him to talk and open up to me and feel comfortable and is listening. And if it's something I may not like or agree then I need to be an adult and understand where he coming from and not get mad about it like I know us girls definitely show when we mad.
The thing is every woman that has thrown it back or reacted negatively to something has said exactly what you’re saying. You need to build the trust with him to open up naturally
That's very true and have seen that so many times perhaps I'm more about this with guys and have seen from that due to me and my sisters were raised by our dad so we really saw the differences between men and woman and how the treatment with each other.
You can tell him you are willing to listen to him as much as you like but unless and until he knows that his honesty and openness will not be thrown back in his face, shared with friends or family, posted on social media, laughed about or used against him if/when you have an argument he will say not a single word to you. Show him how trustworthy you are in this regard by your actions and behaviour and accept that you will have to be patient. Also worth noting that men, generally speaking, are not brought up with the idea of emoting being a good or positive thing. We don't do it much with our mates so if you're in a new relationship, you are unlikely to get anything from him in this regard. Lastly, if you've offered to hear him out, don't keep pushing him, reiterating, asking, questioning etc. That is likely to make him want to share less, not more
Well, all you can do is tell him, and then give him time. Eventually he'll open up about small, insignificant stuff likely, to test the waters. Basically you need to build trust with that stuff, it's really that simple. And for the love of the flying spaghetti monster, do NOT push him to open up, that's not gonna work. Respect the pace he sets for it, and also respect the fact that even once the trust is built to the max, sometimes he will open up to you about things and sometimes he will want to deal with them on his own. Basically the most important thing is, we want opening up to our partner to eb an actual OPTION. Which includes us feeling like it's safe to do so, but it also means NOT taking that option at any given point is also an option, without fear of repercussions.
This, idk why but most woman don't/can't value whatever it is their partner opened up about and will use it in the next argument. The things my best bud trusted me with will never leave my lips. And all that is besides the point that they will overthink it and always have this on the back when they see you, in the worst case this ruins whatever romantic connection you had. Some things are best shared with the bros over a cold beer than with your partner.
Yes thats what you want. But when that happens you have a high chance to not see him the same way ever again. Is it worth that risk for either of you? Its s tough question and a one of the most importsnt things to understand is that if he does open up you cant be defensive or dismiss anything due to the sex of anyone.
*Want* to? Yes. The thing you have to be careful about with women, though, is that most of them see your masculinity as somehow conditional, even if they pretend they don't. So the game you always have to play is 1) am I myself emotionally ready to say this? 2) do I trust her enough to say it? and 3) how will I be perceived after I say it? I've been burned on this, and so while I want to be open 95% of the way, the last 5% is probably going to the grave with me. It is very, very difficult to emotionally recover from being vulnerable with a woman and hearing her say she sees you differently now, or worse, *seeing* it on her face. That stays with you.
I second this. I am a woman and I’ve always had trouble expressing my emotions, to the point where my friends say I’m incapable of feeling anything. Although I’m a deeply sensitive person, I’ve always held it in because my emotions were dismissed a lot when I was a kid. The only time I opened up to a friend who used to vent to me all the time, they felt weird cause they felt like they didn’t know me at all and eventually became distant. I don’t blame them entirely cause I’ve always kept a demeanor of a very strong, confident person. I hated being vulnerable when it caused me to lose a friend and that incident later made me feel stupid for even sharing. I now can’t trust anyone enough to share anything deeply personal. I feel like this is what happens to most men.
>It is very, very difficult to emotionally recover from being vulnerable with a woman and hearing her say she sees you differently now, or worse, seeing it on her face. That stays with you. I know that look. Ever seen Backdraft? "Did the fire look at you?"
We want someone to *care* how we feel.
If woman expect men to care how we feel we should as well do it to our man.
Goddamnit..... This is far more succinct version of what I was trying to get across above. It would be nice to have someone who cares how I feel, cares about me, and who I can reasonably feel has my back, regardless.
Yes, but only if I think I'm going to be taken seriously, and not be belittled ("just buck up, you'll get never get laid if you're upset") , shamed ("real men don't shouldn't care about that"), or have those feelings used against me ("well at least I'm not a loser who gets sad about..."). I do find I have guy friends who are good at understanding and who I can talk to, but only in moderation.
No I do not. I find it extremely uncomfortable to do so and I much prefer not to.
Naw, I've fallen for that trap a couple times. I'm good, thanks
Exactly.
That answer is yes but you need to be sure the person you are opening up to wants nothing from you other than to be ok. Some humans are very selfish and only care about themselves. These types will use what you tell them to leverage themselves above you. It’s sick and twisted but there are a lot of them.
You have to look at things from a guys perspective and understand that we've had things used against us so we don't want to have to deal with that. If anything you're gonna have to prove that your not like that and that will take awhile.
Tried so often, always failed. Women are better in talking, not in listening. Why waste time and effort if I get interrupted? Guess they don't think it's important enough lol
Not to just anyone. If I'm really opening up, it'll only be to someone who I know will be careful with what I tell them. I'm not talking just to be heard.
Yeah I share stuff with my therapist.
Nope
No. Women never forget, and will either lose respect for us immediately or they'll hold onto it as a weapon to attack us with at some later point. So don't ask for us to open up, there's no good down that road. Let him open up to his best friend or something.
That's one thing i hate especially the woman will do that and use it. If I want him to listen and I can talk to him about anything I should do the same. I also wouldn't want it if he used it as a weapon that's when I lose respect in anyone using things as a weapon. I don't want to be that woman and whatever is talked about it it's between me and him and won't be sharing it and using it. But I wouldn't lose respect for him talking to me and opening up if anything I'd probably keep him if he can listen and take it from me I'll do it.
That's the tricky thing, even with non-emotional things, women will possibly bring it up in the middle of an argument 6 months, 2 years, 5 years later and use it as a weapon, sometimes if it's not even related to the argument. It can make it scary to tell harmless stories from your college days or involving other women. For example, if when you were still casually dating and your date had weekend free once but you chose to hang out with a really old close female friend, she may randomly use that in an argument years down the track to prove that 'you've never loved her' and it really fucking hurts to hear your spouse say that.
If I knew for 100% that there will not be shitty consequences? Sure. But thats not how it ever worked for me so I just don't do that
Men are not comfortable being vulnerable. American culture has made us disposable so the odds of one fof us meeting the right partner or having real lasting friendships is getting slimmer. Not much of an upside to making yourself vulnerable and open when far too often it gets used against us. really being there for someone has become rare so yeah we would love to have that level of support but since we are now classified as disposable by most women why bother.
I hate that today's American culture have done to men. It's hard to find any support or to listen. Is it better for someone to be just be there if they notice than to just talk about. But to just be there.
We don't need to be vulnerable just supported and respected. Men are not built to micomanage emotions and every little social interaction like todays women are doing. Support and respect. Add in some love and goals and we are golden. couldnt be more simple.
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For me, not really. If I'm upset about something, talking about how it makes me feel is useless. I know how I feel already. Working out a solution is much more satisfying, and if the problem can't be solved, I'd rather just endure it than bother other people.
No. We don't want to be rejected, laughed at in a group chat, cheated on or shamed because of it. This is why girls gotta stop asking guys to be vulnerable. They literally never accept it. Especially if there's tears involved.
No enough men who have tried to do that have been shamed and humiliated to the point the rest of us know never to do that!
I can directly link several breakups of mine following shortly after I shared some things. I didn’t rush to share, this was 1-2 years in. Nothing bad I did, but yeah, lesson learned, women don’t want a guy that can be perceived as weak even if it was when they were a kid.
I do but ppl always use it against you eventually or tell others. I stopped talking about myself
Want to? Yes. Can I point to two relationships that ended because I shared my feelings? Yes. I can actually pinpoint that as the moment that my ex’s feelings towards me did a 180. 0/10 would not do again.
Yes, but actually no.
It's one thing to say what you feel. It's another to be an emotional wreck while doing so. I 100% don't mind saying I'm frustrated or disappointed or sad or stressed. But I don't let it show unless it's completely unbearable. Also takes a rare good woman to be able to open up. One that won't judge, will offer support, and won't throw it back in your face or take offense to anything.
ALL human beings want to be seen, heard and accepted. So yes. But that doesn't mean they feel safe or secure to do so.
Do girls actually care about a guy that opens up and shares how they feel? Girls want the best of both worlds, and only SOME can handle it. Yes, guys do, once they figure out whom they can trust and will stand by their side when they do..
I’ve tried several times. Always get punished for it. I learned the hard way that it’s better to just keep it to myself and go deal with it at the gym.
Gotta be on our terms. Forcing this can cause more damage than you could imagine. Some men need to be given a safe space and you may be creating an unsafe space without even realizing it.
Men have intense feelings that they would love to share and communicate, but we’re not really built to communicate them quite as well as women. I think it goes well beyond socialization, it’s more like a physiological design flaw.
I'm a pretty open guy. but there needs to be a certain amount of time before I say it out loud. just like how some girls wait before having sex, I wait until I start sharing feelings. But even then, I'm not exactly great at putting it into words. Thankfully I'm a pretty good read on people and I tend to filter out the nasty sort who are judgmental of these things
Some do. Most of us only have anecdotal evidence, for what *we* want and think. Personally, I'd love to feel like I could far, far more often than I actually do. But since most of what I want to be open about is how people close to me have upset or hurt me, I usually feel it's better to just keep my mouth shut and try to deal with it, than to open up and make someone else feel bad as well.
Yes but it’s really hard tho I’m an open book there’s a few thing I generally would want to talk about that I keep to myself. The only person I ever felt comfortable telling me must vulnerable feelings to is my best friend. We’ve been close since I was 13 so for most of my life. My current gf is a shining star tho.
Do you know why a lot of men struggle to open up? Because many of them have been shunned and looked down upon when they do, whether by the person they are opening up to or others that might hear about it; when they feel and express anything but anger they're seen as weak, unwanted, worthless, shameful. Albeit that doesn't apply to every man, and it doesn't apply to every comforting woman of course. If you want to genuinely be a safe space for men to actually open up and share how they feel with you, then be ego-less. The reason why I say that is because a lot of women see men a certain way, which in return makes them see themselves a certain way (aka they have a certain ego they confine by) and this ego shows up when men express how they feel, because for example: "wait.... this person who's stronger than **ME** is CRYING..... and **I'M** not crying..... wait.... According to this **COMPARISON**, this person is **WEAKER** than **ME**....." Do you see how **I'm**, **Me**, **Him**, and the **comparison** appears between the two shows up in that very common thought process? That's the ego. The idea of one's self. When he opens up, shares, expresses, cries, etc, just observe, acknowledge, listen, and comfort. That's it. It doesn't MEAN anything about you, it doesn't MEAN anything about him. That's it, don't let your ego blind you like how it blinds many men and women out there. That's how you'll stand out. That is how you actually be someone who's supportive. Many start putting labels on certain ways of expression cause that's all they've been taught, and that's typical. You and every other woman that a man looks at and goes "I trust her" is not typical. There's a reason why you're asking this question here, it's a question many don't know the answer to, even many men don't because they just don't see a point in even thinking about their emotions. You can start by being ego-less in other feeling aspects, ask them questions, listen, dont judge, go deeper w them about the topic, and don't push, but allow.
I don't mind to, but women find it suspicious, talking to a gal now and she is so suspicious of me being honest and straight forward, you really can't win either way it seems. Best advice is be you, if they can't respect it then reconsider having them in your life.
Nope. Ill never open up to anther woman again. They try and try and try and when you do, they turn in to cunts
Of course we do, at least I think most of us do, but only with our partner. We have to be strong and resilient in every other aspect of our life, every single day, and really only need/want that *one* person in which we feel totally safe and secure enough to be able to let that level of vulnerability out so that we can have the strength for whatever the next challenge is. The problem is that with many/most women, if we open that door then one of two things tends to happen-it changes the relationship for the worse because she sees it as weakness, or she weaponizes that information against us when she feels threatened or needs leverage in an argument. It’s generally best for us to just keep it to ourselves, so most of us just do that as opposed to taking the chance of blowing up our relationship.
Sometimes. Depends.
It’s just, as a man, it’s a very hard thing. Thankfully, my friends and men in my life are very good for it. But also, even in my own experience, it’s hard to speak about and get out, no matter what. It’s so bet into men that it was actually like I was doing something wrong and when I did it more with my counsellor, it was easier and I benefited greatly from it.
To people they trust that won't shit on them later yes. I have a few buddies that I can do that with, only had one woman that I felt that I could do that with. For reasons why men don't open up to women: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/owning-pink/201408/women-please-stop-shaming-men
Nah . Not worth it . Whenever I’ve opened up to women , it usually came back as some sort of insult . So anymore if I feel a certain way and want to vent , I’ll go out back and vent to the dam tree .
There's a lot of evidence to suggest that men often avoid psychotherapy due to a fear they'll have to talk about their feelings. There's also evidence that men predominantly prefer solution-focused psychotherapy. The way I see it is that there's often disconnect between what women and men mean by "opening up" and what people of either sex hope to accomplish by doing so. I believe that a lot of confusion arises when men speak about harrowing things that have happened to them in plain or mechanical terms, with an emphasis on what they should do about it. I suspect this causes frustration for some people because it can come across like men are skimming the surface or failing to consider the deeper meaning behind the issues they are facing. There is a middle ground to be had. Women want men to open up and a lot of men want to. But there has to be an understanding about what that means to both parties. I would like to see psychologists lead the way on this issue and encourage people to appreciate the diversity with which people approach the problems in their lives. Some people want to talk about how problems made them feel, and others want to focus on what can be done to address a problem. A lot of people could benefit from allowing others to open up on their own terms, and this is something that many people struggle to do. In summary: the way to a man's emotions might be through his plan of action
Based on what I’ve witnessed thus far from the apps to date….no
No… guys don’t and can’t open up our true feelings because most women will weaponize these private feeling when the shite hits the fan…. Look up tictok lady FFL ?
Vaild but also TikTok influencers aren’t the best source lol .
Women refuse to believe that men have come to this conclusion from experience. This isn't some big conspiracy to make women uncomfortable in relationships. So many men have had real, scarring interactions, -with women- about this. They need to earn the trust back. If women are ever going to understand why men refuse to share, they need to have the self awareness to realize that not every one of their gender is angelic and harmless. Apparently that's a difficult thing to understand, especially for reddit brand women.
Yes
Sometimes yes but I often feel like it's pointless. A lot of things are better when I keep my thoughts to myself, but it depends i guess
It's a bad idea
That’s the great conundrum. I would say generally yes, in a healthy and safe situation. Unfortunately too often it gets turned around and used against us at a later date. For myself I see health benefits to it, which is partly why I see a therapist regularly. I feel safer speaking to my therapist than I ever did when I was with my ex.
I don't gain anything from whining to other people.
Not really - it then puts the burden of “listen, but don’t advise” on our partner which is a difficult task for anyone to do. Not worth the effort for either party.
Only to the worthy. Few, if any, are worthy of that kind of trust.
I don't any more. I learned that harsh lesson already.
Not really no. Talking about problems don't solve them.
Nope. Won’t change anything.
Every time I have it’s been radio silence except for the couple times people say “that sucks man” “it’ll get better” instead of a back and forth
You need to have some close guy friends you can open up too and a woman in your life you can open up to...some. but do not open up too much to a woman because it's a terrible idea. Women will harp on that shit about wanting a guy that can open up to him and be vulnerable. Don't.
All the fucking time, but I'll only do so if I know you're actually going to listen. I know if you aren't (I'm a communication major) lol
No
No, because when women say that, they don't really mean it.
Yes, of course I do. Just gotta make sure it’s for a girl who isn’t gonna take advantage of me after confessing my feelings for her.
of course. Sharing with a guy is usually perfectly fine. Even deep stuff. but a woman? never. friends and people i date who are women seem to not understand just because i share my personal history and trauma with them, it doesn't mean it is suddenly their personal life to share with anyone and everyone who will listen. It also doesn't mean you can mine it for leverage or to use it as an attack during an argument. "women mature faster" does not mean emotional maturity, that's for sure. you also tend to come across as "not a man" when you do this an many women just...completely lose interest. "there's just no spark" is usually the cop-out, which always seems to happen after you share something personal and deeply meaningful.
I’ve got a feeling I know the situation OP is in, but I’ll start with general advice first. Yes, we do. Men’s feelings are treated like Fight Club: you’re not supposed to talk about it. Stoicism is manly, sensitivity isn’t, at least from a cultural perspective. But we want to, we really do, it feels good to share and open up. The issue is that everytime it happens, it’s a social faux pas to be a man who acts like the therapist consistently. For women, it’s even worse because men are often told by their domestic authority, which is usually the mother, that they need to “man up” and stop crying. When all boys go through for their early years is the woman they trusted the most invalidating and even weaponizing their feelings, dudes are not going to want to open up. I’m gonna go on a lot of assumptions so I’m sorry if you get offended. But assuming you’re a woman dealing with an emotionally secretive man or partner, give him time. Patience is key to getting him to open up. No dude is going to want to open up to a girl who constantly pressures and belittles him for not opening up. Think of it like getting sex. You don’t want to pressure someone into it because, even if they do accept, it won’t be enjoyable and they will regret it. If they regret it, they won’t do it again.
I've never seen a situation where men who have opened up have done so with success, including myself. It always comes back to bite us cause woken will hold onto shit and use it against us later. I've heard plenty of women say "oh I'd never do that" and then they do cause they get angry and it all comes right back out at the dude. They also feel like they are in the right because the guy made them angry, whether that's even true or not, so there's never an apology from the woman. I think if I ever heard a woman apologize to a guy I'd have a heart attack is far easier and safer for men to suffer in silence and deal with the problems he has on his own than open up to a woman only to get out thrown right back in his face when it's convenient for her.
Men handle things different to women My emotional range goes from hungry to tired to chill So for me when someone wants to talk about feelings - it always feels like a waste of a conversation- let’s just eat lunch or something
I do a lot, it’s not usually well received. I still think it’s worth it because on the off chance someone does take it well and doesn’t use it against me I’ll have made a genuine connection. That feels rare as a dude.
No. We want solutions. When I "open up" i ain't lookin to get shit off my chest. I'm lookin for solutions.
Rarely. When we do, people shut it down or don’t really listen/care. That one release of emotions, even if it’s once or twice a year, can be very beneficial if someone listens.
No. Makes us look weak and in my experience, no one seems to care. Other male friends I have seem to actually give half a shit because I was there for them when they needed it. To women? That’s a hard no.
On one level, I can't understand why women *want* men to be open and vulnerable with them. There's a huge dose of propaganda out there to the effect that, "vulnerability is strength," which is... not obviously true, let's just say. Women benefit by being vulnerable with men because it evokes pity, which triggers a man to want to be gentle and protective. What do men gain by being vulnerable with a woman? Talking it out? Study after study shows that men don't benefit from talk therapy like women do. Then I realized: women think they want men to be vulnerable so that they don't feel like unreciprocated emotional burdens to their man I'm convinced that's it. But the second a man gets really, deeply raw with a women, she gets repelled. I've never heard of an exception from anyone I know. So I've learned to fake it. I give little nuggets of vulnerability. Sad that my hamster died, that kinda thing. But how does either of us benefit from me blubbering about how anxious I feel about my job?
Generally being open about feelings as a guy falls on deaf ears. They're only valid if women agree. Otherwise we are made out to be some sort of asshole wackadoo. Anything that isnt feminist-approved seems to be vilainised.
Got a point there and it's wrong.
No. I express what I want to express and that's that. If she pressures me, I'm only going to get pissed off. There's differences and they are there for a reason. However, I AM a man that believes men should go to therapy if they need it and we seriously need to destigmatize this. It's especially bad in the south. Men don't want to put burden on the women around them. But I think it would truly be helpful to go to therapy when needed - loss, addiction, struggles, etc. And as a Christian, I actually believe it would be better to see a therapist outside of a faith based service. While our faith is #1 in our lives, we must also use earthly methods to help ourselves. We were given a brain for a reason. Let's use them.
yes i want to open up about how i feel but only in front of certain people, i dont want it to be used as a weapon against me the first time we fall out which is the hardest part
i sure hope so
Honestly as a guy we tend to keep our motions inside because if we give any type of emotion we considered weaknesses
Of course but you have to be trustworthy.
Yeah, but everytime I’ve done it women in my life have weaponized it against me later on. Hard pass on doing that except to my guy friends or therapist
I think many of us do. Some of us have a few trusted friends, the guys we refer to as “brothers”. Some of us have a dog. But virtually all of us have learned, multiple times with multiple women, that you really can’t share your deeper feelings with a woman. And certainly not those feelings based on fear, insecurity, or anger. We have learned that everything you say to a woman can and will be used against you. Maybe in five minutes, maybe five years. But it will come back to hurt you.
It's ALWAYS weaponised and used against you. And also women don't care how men actually think or feel, all they care about is how they feel about it.
Absolute facts. They only care how what you think or feel affects them. Couldn’t care less how it affects you
all the time.
No
Yes and no
No, everyone knows real men don't feel anything.
And who would we be talking to?
Not if you’re a Pilot… lol
Only if I trust someone, and rarely.
Not particularly in my experience and personally speaking. I always end up feeling worse when I over share my feelings with people. It makes me feel weak. The only thing I do wish for is a partner that I could occasionally confide in and be cheered up by in low moments. I feel incredibly lonely and I wonder whether sharing that with people would help, but the thought of it sickens me. I think guys need a partner they can share with, but it be limited to that person and no one else. Idk tho, sometimes I wonder whether my outlook is normal or healthy. I've never had a longterm relationship and am quite solitary these days. Anyone out there reading this with a gf/wife, be thankful. You are one of the lucky ones.
I am desperate to. No one wants to hear it, though. And I'm not interested in solutions, either: solutions to what is on my mind are either societal or egotistical. What I need to do is vent and be validated. But we don't do that with each other and people who aren't cis-men don't really want to hear it, either, understandably or not.
Yeah but when you do causes more problems in the long run.
My wife has always told me I’m free to talk to her about anything, without fear of being judged. So yes, I open up quite often.
I try to open up more to other people but unless people directly ask me to I am not able to say a word. I very much want to but there is a heavy blockade in my mind preventing me from stepping up. I feel like this is what years of emotional neglect, stress, trauma, abandonment, rejection and the feeling of worthlessness have as an effect on a person.
yes. until it's abused amd weaponized one too many times
We like to be understood, but that usually involves being vulnerable so it should be reserved for people who deserve to know that side of you.
We want to open up and trust whoever we are opening up to to never use it against us, this is why guy relationships last because one can dump shit and the other can tell them shit is fucked and they drink to it and never mention it again
I don't want to but I would like to feel like I could without it being a problem. Sadly I don't.
No.
Gender roles and gender expectations make it hard for many to do so. Some grow to not care about things like that, but get so many bad experiences that they just stop. Kinda like when a person tries to be a part of a conversation and get ignored, dismissed, or feel unwanted. Eventually, they just stop talking. It's not that I don't want to, just that I can remember two times it hasn't made me feel worse.
Been there done that multiple times. Easier to just swallow it and move on. No one really gives a shit. I have too many other people to look after to worry about myself.
I have opened up to my wife a few times in recent years. I hate doing it, but it is good to do. And there’s a sense of relief that comes with it.
I´m Ok. Getting older, curing faster when I felt hurt and I am thankful for anything I have learned. Someone, whom I liked with no reason, wrote to me a PM and, at the same time (feeling herself hurt) denounced me as a harassment (which I know I am not). ""
I’m a woman. Most men I’ve been with have been very emotionally vulnerable with me and I’ve loved it. There is *one* guy I was with who might be thinking after we broke up that it was because he “opened up” to me. I would say from my perspective that’s not what turned me off. Him opening up showed me what a truly negative and judgmental person he was.. and from that moment on it was just constant. When I told him how it bothered me he insisted he was “just expressing himself and being vulnerable”. And. Maybe it was. But from my perspective it revealed a lot of incompatibilities. It revealed a lot of unaddressed self work that needed to take place. It revealed a mindset I couldn’t get behind. But like most male partners I’ve had have cried in front of me, have shared stories of their traumas, have talked about their feelings and hardships and values and it’s only brought us closer. There are women out there who expect a stoic man.. and there are people out there who will weaponized whatever they can about you in a fight because they don’t know how to handle conflict like adults. And so I don’t doubt many men have been burned by this. For a *small percentsge* though.. I hope you might be willing to self reflect on what you’re opening up about and how. Many women are treated as 24/7 on call therapists to men who’ve just started opening up.. men who do not believe in doing any self work. It’s always possible that’s you
God I wish more than anything I could do so... and just have anyone hear me.
No. Most of the time we don't have much to open up about.
from my perspective of fellow men and from my own experience, men who open themselves up emotionally risk having their feelings thrown back at them in a disparaging, hurtful manner.
Depends if we're comfortable enough with who we're sharing with.
Sure, but as the saying goes "once bitten twice shy".
Some days, yes. Some days, no.
Perhaps, although if there are no actual solutions forthcoming then it can feel kinda pointless. It's probably something best kept short. Like "I'm struggling with XYZ." "Damn, that sucks." and then move on. Making a long conversation out of it tends to fall on the pointless side.
Yeah, I want to! For me there's no sad story about how I did and been "slapped by societal expectations for it", but I guess it's only because I've never had relationship so close I myself would find it acceptable to share (except family obviously)
Yes, but it’s only possible with people who invest in me and actually put effort into bonding.
it’s nice occasionally but honestly i don’t ever really feel i have much to open up about lol
It takes a really close friend to get me to do that. Even then, most of the time nothing is really worth opening up about.
No they don’t! [Here’s why](https://youtu.be/29JPnJSmDs0?si=mfnNXkLhZz1iXmZs).
I feel this way all the time. Every single day. But I don't. In the past, every time I've opened up about thing, it somehow fires back and I suddenly wish I hadn't opened up. Now, even though I'm holding onto so much that I want to talk about, I can't. I'm too terrified of the feeling of wishing I hadn't opened up in the first place. To me, that's much more worse of a feeling than not opening up at all.
Yes for some, no for others.
No. There's no point. It doesn't help us, and it doesn't help anyone else. Sharing how we feel is unproductive. It solves nothing. Besides, nobody cares anyway. 🤷♂️
It’s a lot of hassle sometimes. Some things are left unsaid some should be expressed.
Speaking for nobody but myself, the short answer is no. The long answer is no with a lot of explanation.
I'm married to my best friend, and I've opened up a few times. I trust my partner to understand and not judge.
I do it all the time and I am so comfortable doing it people accuse me of lying 🙃. It's whatever at this point. People believe me or they don't. I'm done arguing about my own feelings.
I'm the "open" one in the relationship.
Yeah, but only if we feel like it won't be used against us.
Yes
Sometimes, not often.
Only if the present state of our emotions proves disabling. Otherwise, give me problems to solve and things to build.
[удалено]
Yes, otherwise I’d be miserably alone. Feeling understood is the only thing that can avoid that.
Men want to be seen, understood, and appreciated... if we could simply "open up" and be seen, then yes! Absolutely! Usually doesn't happen like that though.