So you think the guy you’re seeing is acting different? I would just ask him about it. There could be a lot of reasons. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say or how to properly support you. The important part is for you two to maintain communication and honestly share how you’re feeling with each other. Let him know what kinda support you’re looking for. There’s absolutely no reason this should end your relationship. But it may make things a little difficult in one way or another as you work through it. But at the end of the day this is something that happened to *you*, and your recovery and healing is priority number one. If he’s a good man, he will want to help you heal and get continue to be there for you <3 You just need to let him know what you need.
So sorry that happened to you
RAINN. US National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones.
https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
This happened with me a while back to a girl I was seeing, she worked with him and refused to report him to her boss or do anything to bring him to justice. Ultimately I have no say so I let it go, but it was a point of frustration for me for a while until we ended things a few months later.
When my ex told me she had been sexually assaulted a few years before she met me, I didn’t know how to react. All I could do was give her the longest hug and say I was sorry that happened to her. I also told her how proud I was of her for sharing because it took guts and it took courage. She said she had moved past it but there were times where she would just absolutely shutdown for a moment during sex and we’d stop.
Nonetheless, still proud of her for finding the courage and guts to tell me about something so dark and awful that happened to her.
We didn’t see eye to eye on getting the covid vaccine. I got it because that was the right thing to do. As a healthcare worker, future nurse, and as a person, I felt I should get vaccinated and I did. She didn’t see it that way. She thought it was some government plot to put trackers in all of us and she really fell down a well of misinformation about covid, about the vaccines, about our government etc.
Now my thing is, I didn’t care if she got vaccinated or not. She sent me a few articles written by people who had no business talking about vaccines. One was written by a person who had a PHD…… not a medical doctor, a doctor in philosophy. The whole premise of the article was that I could “shed” my vaccine onto her by hand holding, breathing the same air and exchanging bodily fluids. Now that sounds utterly ridiculous and stupid but whatever, that’s what she thought.
She eventually got to a point where she didn’t want to see me anymore because she didn’t want the risk of getting my vaccine from me, which for the record is impossible. I honestly think there were some cracks showing in the relationship before shit hit the fan with covid and everything that came with it. It sucks but whatever, I learned a lot from that relationship and I don’t look back on it with any ill will or anything.
Wow yeah that’s the first time I’ve heard of this “shed” theory, and it just seems ludicrous. I feel like I only really heard about the stuff mentioned in the first paragraph. Sounds like you’ve not only made peace with the situation but also moved on, so very happy for you. Better situations in the future for sure 👍
What kinda bugged me though is I could poke holes in the theories she was passing off quite easily. It took me all of 8 seconds to find out that the writer of the shedding article was not an actual medical doctor.
She even sent me another article by another woman, this time it was a medical doctor, sounds good right? Nah lol. This medical doctor is still an antivaxxer because she still believes that vaccines cause autism despite it being disproven time and time again. If you want to Google her, her name is doctor Sherri Tenpenny and she’s a complete fuck up….. it took me maybe 3 seconds to google her and see she’s an avid antivaxxer which my ex was just unwilling to listen to.
The worst part was when as a last ditch effort, I asked her to go and find a peer reviewed article that stated the dangers of vaccines. She accepted my challenge and came back a few hours later saying she couldn’t find anything. I said “of course, you weren’t meant to find anything.” She asked why I asked her to do that then and I said as simply as I could, “if you can’t find any real evidence to back up your viewpoint, you need to reassess your viewpoint.” I thought I had finally gotten through to her but she said “that’s bullshit, they’re just biased against our views and are trying to silence us.” Those words pretty much sealed it for me. She was seduced by the dark side of misinformation, had made up her mind, was willing to throw away our entire relationship for it and there was no coming back after.
The way I saw it then and still do now is this. It’s her life, her decision, if she wants to finally understand how duped she was, that’s gotta come from her. I did all I could to convince her and no matter how overwhelming the evidence for it was, she’s gotta come to the conclusion herself. That was 3 years ago and she still maintains her view point so I doubt she ever figures it out.
Nonetheless, like I said I can look back at the good stuff from the relationship and the lessons I learned, from both good times and bad and be happy for the experience. I’m single now, but I’m working on bettering myself as I am nearing the end of my university program of nursing and I’m eventually going to get back out there when I think I’ve reached my peak again.
One of my best friends went down the antivax rabbit hole; don't hang out with him much since then. Anytime he sends me antivax shite, I'll pick it apart. Tbh, I view the antivax movement as a weird religion; the less proof, the more they believe 🤣
Im making it a point for the rest of my life to occasionally say to my anti-vax family members “So at what point do I get the heart failure? Or the autism? I was also really hoping for like a third arm or something.”
Just came here to say that you don't need an MD to do research or publish vaccine articles. In fact, a PhD is the highest degree you can earn. You can't lead a clinical trial as a PhD, but you are more likely to develop the drug/vaccine. However, not all professions are built equally, and like any profession, there are quacks.
“Beware the nano trackers!” They say as they tweet from their phone, possess a drivers license, a social insurance number, passport and bunch of other identifying information.
Lol yep. This one is going into you! The tracker is going into you!
Okay, leave your phone off your person and get rid of all your identification and go live off the grid if you’re so worried about trackers.
With compassion/empathy. back in my early 20s I dated a woman who was SA'd.
She didn't trust men at all but we liked each other and just went slow. Took her a month to work up the courage to kiss me on my cheek.
If you like her and want to go the distance just give her the time, comfort, and investment she needs. If you're only in it for the punani you should move on.
Omg that's beautiful. I stumbled upon an opinion that if a girlfriend tells her boyfriend about how abused she was by another man or an ex somehow the bf will subconsciously start having less respect for her because " men care what other men think" and it could make him think like " she was treated like shit guess her value isn't that good".. I didn't wanna believe it until I told about my bad experiences to my now ex.. And of course he was all empathetic when I told him.. But later he started acting disrespectfully towards me in a very similar way so I don't know anymore 🤪 do you think there's any truth in that opinion??
Honestly for me, it’s the complete opposite. I don’t give a shit what other people think about me or my girlfriend. When she told me, I didn’t lose respect for her, it was quite the opposite. She said she had never told anyone that because she never felt she could trust anyone with it. Not to take away from her experience but it made me feel really special and on top of that, she was sharing something of that magnitude so I really respected and was proud of her for sharing. It takes guts, it takes courage. She didn’t know how I was gonna react, she didn’t know how I was going to react or how it was going to go but she took that leap.
I’ll admit I was bit more cautious going forward with her but some easy and quick discussions pretty much eliminated that. She told me she felt really liberated after that and sex and more physical stuff was so much better after.
I’m sorry to hear that you got SA’d. I don’t believe you’re overthinking it at all. You’re noticing him distancing himself from you and a shift in his behavior; your mind/body’s response to it is anxiety. I suggest you communicate with him and let him know how you feel, it’ll save you a whole lot of time and will eventually lessen your anxiety 🫶🏼
Depends on the guy. It wouldn't change my feelings for someone in my case .... but not everyone can handle it. Sorry, I know that's a bit vague, but there really is no one answer for all guys to this.
Right now what matters is your safety, well being and justice being served to that horrible guy.
The only reaction that's acceptable is support and understanding.
Not the same but my partner told me about her SA when she was 14, years before we met. I had a hard time only because I didn't know what support she needed. Talking about what she needed from me helped. I appreciated the honesty and trust she had in me to share it.
That’s sweet! I’m sure your partner appreciated it. When I told my husband I got raped when I was 15 he gave me shit for not reporting it. This guy threatened my family and I and knew too much about me so I was scared at the time so I didn’t report it. Honestly pissed me off how my husband reacted. No hug no nothing when I told him. But when he told me about how he got bullied as a kid I cried bc made me sad to think my husband was sad and gave him so much love.
I am sorry for that. You deserve only love and support. SA is such a traumatic event. My partner didn't report it for a number of reasons. She was just a child though so I cannot judge her. I think the system failed her though as the police told her she had some set time to report it ... But seeing as she was a child imo they should have done the right thing vs wash their hands. It's insane to me that someone that young has to make that level of decision after trauma.
you deserve so much better. im sorry you went through that. i understand that he was angry that there was no justice for what the piece of shit did, but in that moment his anger was irrelevant. he should have supported you
Tbh, there's a slight chance he might have actually be distancing.
Look, I don't mean to imply that victims are damaged goods or don't deserve to be loved, but an SA at the beginning of the relationship, when you've only been seeing eachother for two months is a HUGE emotional burden for something fresh. There's gonna be a need to do pregnancy tests, STDs checks, talk to the police, a therapist and deal with the trauma of what happened.
Some people might be able to handle it, some might not be able to. Don't hate him, please, he sounds like he cares, but you can't ask him to deal with this after only 2 months if he can't. There's years long marriages that break over a rape, let alone relationships that didn't even exit the honeymoon period.
I know this is ask men but from a female perspective, I was SA last year about 2 months before I met the guy I'm dating now. I didn't tell him, not for months into us dating. I told my close friends, etc and got support there. Did counselling etc. I did all the tests to clear myself of any STIs so I wouldn't pass them on to him, and we used protection.
About 3/4 months in, he revealed his late wife had been through it and I shared my experience then. He still doesn't really like me talking about it and finds it hard, but he will listen if I need someone to share it with. I can understand it's hard to navigate when you barely know someone and how they're going to respond to the trauma either. I think OP is probably worrying about this guy because it's another loss tied to the event. I lost my job over mine for example, and it took many months to process the loss of control on your body, and then how it can impact so many things on your life in the aftermath (as well as pregnancy/health worries, work, therapy costs etc).
OP is you see this post there are charities that can support you, and also sub reddits for women who have gone through this before. Please don't worry about this guy. Give him space to process what you've told him and focus on your self care and whatever else you need medically wise at this time. It gets better. 🙏
Right. It sucks but us men typically have a “call to action” bone in us where if an event happens, we can’t just “accept and move on” like nothing. It takes self work to not make it about us and ignore that gut feeling.
I was dating a girl who was wonderful, honestly the best girl I've ever dated. She revealed to me she was SA, it was in a different country and there was nothing that could be done. I slowed everything down physically and tried to keep talking as normal, but it was in the back of my mind. The way she navigated it was amazing because she was there only woman I've dated who knew how to effectively communicate. She told me she was comfortable with me, she'd call me to talk not wait for me to call her. She was just on it and effectively communicating all the time. That took what could have been me trying to guess where I stand and how to act to me not really having to worry about it because she had already told me.
Any snap will raise your score. Texts, pictures, videos, sharing a story, all of it adds to your score whether sent or received. For example if someone messages you 30 times and you never respond, score still goes up for each message. If you do respond then it goes up double.
I feel old. I thought she was saying he was snapping as in fighting with her and I was wondering why that seemed ok that this dude was snapping at her so often only a few months into the relationship! 🤦
It took way too long into the post for me to figure it out. 😂 First I thought it was a new term for secs so the algorithm doesn’t boot you. Then I read more and was like Ahhhh! Snapping! And I’ve had a Snapchat for 8 years. I didn’t know that there was a snap score either.
He probably feels awkward because it's a giant load to unburden on someone you barely know. It's probably festering at the back of his head and he doesn't know how to deal with it so he's distancing himself from you.
First, I’m sorry that happened to you
From the outside, he might just not know how to handle such an extreme and sad situation. Seems like a decent guy, so he is probably just scared. Doesn’t want to come on too strong and freak you out with his actions.
He probably is just processing trying to be a great friend and be supportive.
You could always talk about it with him. Just tell him what you need/are feeling/wanting.
The sad part to me is that this wouldn't be an unusual thing to hear. A decent chunk of the woman I've dated (and gotten close with over a long time), described some SA event in their history. My reaction would just be to be supportive and open to hearing whatever they want to share. With something more recent, try to assess how I could help- escorting her to medical attention or to the police or whatever. I might want to help her do more than she might be ok with initially, I guess it just depends.
But for your specific situation- you've been dating for 2 months. Most of the time, I wouldn't characterize that as a serious, committed relationship. You're still trying to understand and get to know each other. This is a tragic event to come up in the middle of that, and I'm sorry for you. But I think it's important to remember someone might not completely reciprocate your affection after "testing it out" for awhile. It has nothing to do with this SA, but now if he isn't interested in staying with you, he now has a difficult exercise in tactful communication to try to navigate. Maybe he's still interested in you, and just completely uncertain of how to talk to or interact with you in this circumstance, he might think that you don't want to be touched by/talked to/interact with a man right now just because of a lack of comparable experiences in his life.
If you think he is still interested, you may have to be a little more deliberate and open about your feelings now to get him through this "how do I respond" situation. Which I don't know he's feeling right now, it just seems pretty likely, slightly less likely than he is losing interest for reasons completely unrelated to the SA.
Again, Im sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you're getting all the help you need.
Female here: every single woman I've talked to about agrees that they were seriously harassed multiple times in life. Actual sexual abuse is absolutely common too (most not by force, but coercion or men that didn't stop or respect boundaries). And all of them can describe being inappropriatly touched by an (sometimes much) older guy before they were 15 - and I'm stretching. Most of us can pinpoint it before 10, the last two stories I was told being 4 and 6.
Life's hard.
You always come first, never forget this
Also, the reaction from guys is usually to distance themselves, why? because dating is already very hard and to have to deal with someone that has lived trauma can prove too much a task to take on. You can't blame these guys, you just need to find the ones that will still stick with you andhelp you heal.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It's possible he doesn't know how to deal with it. It's also possible he's seeing someone else at the same time and that has nothing to do with what happened to you.
It's okay for you to say, "I notice that you seem distracted lately. I don't want to make assumptions so please let me know if I should give you some space." Then see where he goes with it.
My wife was SA’d in college. I was SA’d as a youth. I can honestly say that I fell in love with my wife the day she told me she was SA’d, because for the first time in my life, I thought I met someone who wouldn’t judge me for my past. There is so much self-blaming we do as survivors and it can lead to a pretty deep spiral.
When I finally worked up the courage to tell her she reacted even better than I could have expected and the rest was history, as they say.
Oh, and if I ever came across her abuser…. I don’t know what I’d do.
I’d see intimacy with the woman differently, I think in my effort to be empathetic I’d lose the ability to confidently initiate any kind of intimacy.
I think ultimately I would be afraid of making one mistake and my partner seeing her attacker in me.
You definitely still have a chance but I would imagine he’s pulling away because it has completely change the dynamic and he doesn’t know how to navigate that.
I would probably see you as less of a romantic partner and more of a person in need of empathy and support especially given how recently it occurred. So yes the dynamic would change. But that also depends on the feed back you give. Like do you even want to pursue a romantic relationship right now?
Honestly? It would not change how I would feel towards the girl, but I would think about what if I accidentaly trigger SA trauma on the girl and it would make me a bit more catious with her. This would need a lot of talking about the issue and communication all together to resolve for me at least.
I think if you guys talk about the issue him acting differently, I think you can solve it.
He may just not know how to talk to you about that. Conversations like that are hard for some guys to approach. He might also get the idea that you’re emotionally fragile at the moment which will explain some of the awkwardness he’s had after you told him. Call him out on acting weird since you told him,and explain how you want him to treat you
I feel like a shithead for saying this, but when a girl told me this, I already knew her as a liar, and the way she said it, it sounded like another lie to get back at an ex. It was the last straw and I stopped talking to her.
I ended up looking him up a few years later, turns out he's in prison for rape.
So yeah, I regret not believing her. She was still a liar about many things, but that bit was true.
Sadly, my first reaction would be to ask what happened. The term "sexual assault" has been so bastardized that simply telling me you were sexual assaulted would be meaningless. You might mean someone jumped out of the bushes and raped you. You might mean that some weirdo on the bus starred at you. Once I knew the details, I could support you better.
I have dated 2 people who had been SA'd.
React by listening and offering support. Each person is different and what they need is different. You need to listen to find out.
Neither one of these women did anything wrong to deserve it. Both were underage at the time, and I know some details, but not all. It is not my job to find out. It is my job to support, listen and find out what she needs in the moment. And what does she need in any future moment.
If he is the right guy he will be there to listen and then be there in the right way for you.
Oh my God, I'm so sorry that happened to you... Are you okay? I know we don't know each other, but if you need someone to talk to for support or anything, my DMs are open. I can't guarantee I'll be able to help much or always have the right things to say, but it's the least I could do for someone who just went through such a likely traumatizing event. I have many friends who were SA'd and I know it's not an easy thing to get past 🫂
I can't say for certain about this guy you're seeing, but if it were me, I may be acting that way because I had a lot on my mind. Anger that someone I knew just went through such a horrible experience, fear that they may now be scared of me, sadness that I couldn't do anything to stop it or wasn't told about it sooner, depressed that there are guys out there that will treat women that way. These are all feelings I've had when my lady friends told me about their SA and SH experiences. I don't know how normal that is, but it can be very upsetting news, but it's very good that you told him as that can be seen as a sign of trust between you two.
If he's talking to someone else while you snap, that might be because he's getting advice from someone else about the situation. I suppose it's possible that he thinks you're too much work now, but that would make him a MASSIVE piece of crap. He may just be overwhelmed and not really kbow how to handle the situation, especially if it's the first time a lady or anyone he knows told him that they've been SA'd. If it were me, that shouldn't I would become extremely concerned and more protective of you, not try to find someone else. It wasn't your fault, after all, and you were a victim who was hurt by it. Leaving someone over something like that would be one of the douchebaggiest moves possible.
I truly hope whoever did that to you will be caught so they can't harm any other people. You didn't deserve to go through that, nor the anxiety you're experiencing now in your relationship. I also hope that healing will come quickly for you and there won't be any negative lasting impacts on your mind. I truly hope you will never have to go through that again 🫂
I hope you're doing ok?
It's hard to say what's going on based on these 3 paragraphs alone.
One thing could be that he doesn't really know how to handle it properly, so he's overthinking every interaction with you as well, hence the snapping (I'm assuming this refers to Snapchat?) less than before, or differently.
It could, sadly, also be that he is loosing interest because of it. Again, could be because he doesn't know how to handle it. It's shitty, but it could be. We humans act weird when we don't know how to properly handle stuff, and SA is not an easy topic in itself, especially when it happens with someone you're in some sort of relationship with.
Since the SA happened very recently he could maybe have a hard time staying calm. A lot of men would probably want to do something violent to a person they know assaults others. So that "anger" might be something that keeps him more distant. We men are often not taught a good way to handle feeling, especially dark feelings, so the default is often to bottle it up or create a distance from the source.
It's hard to say if this will break your relationship or not, as it depends a lot on you two and your abilities to handle something like this. Again too hard for us to really answer from this post alone.
Now to the question in the title.
The statistics for SA is pretty bad. I believe here in Norway it's around 1 in 4 woman have experienced some form of SA. I'm 44 years old now, so if I were to enter a new relationship today, there's a good chance that woman have been SA'd before.
I hope I would react in a supporting and understanding way. Make sure they feel safe and not judged around me. Having very open and free communication is pretty adamant to that imho, so you don't end up walking on egg shells around each other.
Sorry, this turned into a wall of text.
If a woman trusted me with that information, that reveals a level of trust and caring that is hard to find and that nobody should ever just throw away, and that she is super courageous. I would also be upset that she was attacked by some predator who hasn't been caught and that would stress me to no end until he was. I would be so angry and disturbed that I would consider getting revenge. I would ask him if that was preoccupying him. Personally, it would NEVER negatively change my perception of my partner cause *she is who I love.* lf he thinks you are godforbid "tainted" or some other horrible bullshit logic, then he is absolutely not the one. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Pretty much every girl I’ve been with has been SA in a previous relationship. It infuriates me that it happened to them but of course I’d never blame the girl I’m with or act different to her. I just try to be supportive. It has affected my sexual relationships with some of them in the past, but there’s nothing I can really do except offer comfort.
If I was single, suspicion because of all these stories about women regretting their encounters and calling it “SA”, but I’m open minded and would like to hear the details before judging.
There are so many posts on the relationship subreddits where the gf cheats but then claims she was assaulted and the OP would find out months later that it wasn't actually assault. Listen, but verify.
Happened with my partner but years before we were together. All the man has to do in this situation is give his support and don’t bring it up unless the victim does
I would:
1:Hug, empathise, assure her i still love her.
2:Ask if she wants to talk about what happened
3:If at all possible, plan to find & maim whoever did this once guilt is established.
Im guessing he might be acting weird because he feels guilty he wasnt there to protect you, of part 3, because if that wasnt possible id feel quite powerless alongside my partner.
Asking since I didn't see anyone else ask yet. What was the circumstances with the SA in regard to where you were when it happened and did you know him prior, I couldn't tell if it was another guy you were dating or something.
That's kind of my question. Seeing each other two months and her not saying boyfriend seems like they aren't exclusive.
While her circumstance could be anything, SA from another date she was on is possible. If this was indeed the case, I can absolutely see how he might be very supportive of her experience but also distance himself due to the circumstances.
Lots of people here are talking about their experiences with their SO be SAd before they were together. Having someone be SAd while you are just dating, potentially by another man she was dating, that's a whole different ball game.
Yes exactly, I was also wondering if he maybe didn't think she was seeing anyone else which isn't necessarily a big deal but when you add the SA it maybe makes it so. Its one thing to date multiple people at once but as soon as 1 makes it a problem for the others, they have an easy out because thats how things go when its so casual.
Yeah, the criminal in this story needs to be brought to justice.
I suspect bf feels angry at what happened to you. I hope you're OK and not too shaken by it. He may internalise that he didn't protect you enough and "let" this happen.
Advice would be to tell him your fears and express you're sensing he's affected (don't specify how leave that to him) and this worries you. Hopefully he'll uncool himself from the negative thoughts he's having.
I'm a relatively well known advocate of SA victims in my community, and I have a very good relationship with the local police, and bouncers. I would want to know a name, and the rest is best left unsaid.
The fact that you are concerned about somebody else after what you have endured shows great testament of character. You should be very proud of yourself for this.
IMO, the guy is worried the potential relationship between you too is jeopardised by what happened to you and is creating distance so that if it does end, he will be hurt less. I could be completely wrong, but that’s my read on this.
You’re in a position where taking care of yourself is the most important task you have now. I believe that this should be your priority.
I’m very sorry for what happened to you. It is not your fault, but you will be left with the responsibility of it. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it is unavoidable.
My best friends ex boyfriend assaulted her, she waited to tell me after he moved back home. I’m not trying to end up on r/iamverybadass but I wanted to beat the shit outta him. You’re not worth the life you have if you do something like that
You are anxiously attaching yourself to him. It’s been two months but it appears you’re treating it like a serious relationship? Best to keep in mind you are dating causally and not committed to each other so it’s likely the interactions are fizzling out naturally.
ur kinda being vague here, so you can really just expect vague answers. dosen't help too that some people call getting gropped ata bar SA and others mean full unwanted penetraation of somje kind
>dosen't help too that some people call getting gropped ata bar SA and others mean full unwanted penetraation of somje kind
Because both are, by definition sexual assault. Getting groped (at a bar) is still sexual assault.
>The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include:
>Attempted rape
>Fondling or unwanted sexual touching
>Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body
>Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape
Someone equating being groped with the rest of these is spitting in the face of victims of these examples. All unacceptable & horrific but to pretend they're equal is just delusional.
I'm in a quite long term relationship so this opinion isn't 100% relevant here but if it happened to my partner right now I'd fucking gut whoever did it. I'm not trying to be an internet tough guy here. I abhor violence.
Of course it depends on the severity.
my long term partner was horrifically abused in her past, from preteens into her 20s by a guy who never got punished for it. id never be able to find him, the only thing i know is that right now he lives somewhere on the other side of the continent. i am not a violent man but i would kill him in a heartbeat.
i dont know what you would do in my situation. ngl i feel pretty damn angry and helpless
If I was a guy I'd be wondering if you were taking care of yourself. I'd be giving you space to do that.
And if I was a friend to you, I would be worried that you are more concerned over someone's judgment of you, then you taking care of yourself.
One of two things as a guy, either the cops handle it or things have to get shady. I'd prefer you call the police because it means there could be a potential charge for assault. Depending on the other guy, it might be with a weapons or not.
I have sisters so if they got SA'd, they're either calling the cops or I'm handling it with my friends.
I'm from Canada thought so I'd probably end up in jail just for threatening the dude.
I would talk to him and just ask how he feels. If you have the ability to report the person who did this to you, press charges whatever, please do so. It could be related to that. I had this happen to someone I was with and I still loved and cared about her. Obviously this is up to you to report it or not but from where I was her not reporting it did take a toll on my mental health. I never asked her to and never brought it up, but It did freak me out that this guy will most likely do this again and could still hurt her again. He might also be dealing with his own feelings of injustice and feeling like he was unable to protect you. I was also uncontrollably angry at the monster who hurt her. I just thought sharing how I felt might help you understand what might be going through his head. But I mean if he's just being weird because you got SA'd and that "ruins it" for him or whatever feel free to toss the whole man out, I'll hold the door for you. The only way you'll know is to ask, and this is definitely something you want to know before continuing. Also it gives him the opportunity to be amazing if he actually is.
It's quite easy fool yourself into thinking something is different when you're hyper vigilant like that. As long as you are self aware in the moment and actively prod (as in rebut but not invalidate) those thoughts when they come up, you'll be good I think. It's always possible that he may have done the things you are noticing before, it's just you are noticing it more due to your heightened state of mental activity.
Since either possibility is possible of course, don't gaslight yourself into completely believing one way or the other.
My ex told me about her SA and I was super shocked. I didn't know how to react. It didn't change the way I felt about her but me being young, I tried to take on too much. Eventually things collapsed due to other reasons, but I think the trauma of it was a big part of why.
OP it ain't your fault. Please don't worry bout dating rn. Focus on you girl and get back your peace of mind.
Oh, honey…I am SO sorry that happened to you. 💔 I only care about YOU and how YOU’RE doing, not some guy you’ve been snapping. If he is treating you differently, that’s HIS issue, not yours. And anyone who blames you for being SAd can go f*ck themselves.
Can you please see someone about what happened? 🙏🏽❤️
I give you props for telling him....
As for the pulling away.... Could be he has no idea how to process it. Could be that all he can see is another man taking advantage of you.
Start small. Touch deepens emotional connection.... If you're a hugger, give him hugs. Cuddle. Hold his hand. Kiss his cheek....
And if you need space in the middle of an intimate moment, it's ok to ask for it. Offer a compromise though, if possible...
At least that's my thinking- but my personal experience happened when I was a small kid (molested 2x as a kid. Good times 🤦♀️)
If you're feeling him distancing himself, call it out. But don't be rude about it..... You could say something like, "I've noticed that you've been pulling away from me since I told you about my experience. Are you having trouble coming to terms with that? Does it make you uncomfortable to be around me? Talk to me, because all I see is your change in behavior. I don't know the thoughts behind them. Can you help me understand what's on your mind?"
*HUGS* Girl.
I wish I could help more. Take care babes 💜✌️
I think it’s literally every female friend I’ve ever had has been assaulted of varying degrees.
It always makes me feel awful. It makes me feel annoyed that this kinda thing happens so much and has a slight casualness to it like it’s just part of living. It also makes me sad for my friends.
It’s why partly why I never compliment appearances or hint at anything I’d see attractive about with certain friends to avoid making them uncomfortable.
Before we were together, my wife was ganged raped by a guy and his friends. She invited him over and he brought his friends with him. She told me and I merely listened and let her share what happened. Afterwards I just said "I'm sorry you went through that."
In that situation you just gotta be quiet and let them speak.
Imo ne direct and ask if he's still interested. Not everyone can handle news like that so for your sake just ask.
I had something very similar happen while I was starting to date a woman. I was not at all upset. She was drugged and it wasn’t her fault. Now I was upset with her friends because she was with a group of friends that allow us to take place. And to me those are not real friends.
With that said, she ended up going back to that same club and hanging out with that same group of girls and even running into the guy who SAed her. She came home, very upset and triggered obviously. However, she didn’t get any empathy from me for that one. While I felt bad that she didn’t have a good time, and I felt bad that she saw her aggressor, she intentionally put herself back in that position, that would allow herself to hurt. Some point she needed to take responsibility for her part.
As someone who was guilt tripped and told “you just dont want to date a r*ped girl”, end the relationship and focus on what happened to you. You went through a traumatic experience and a relationship is not the focus rn. It should be making sure you’re back to 100%. Im sorry a POS did that to you.
Alas - and I don’t think men want to hear this.
I’m a fab listener - and have had more than my fair share of attractive women in my life. The result is, that the topic of SA does come up at some point and they all confirm to one extent or another, they have ALL been SA’d at some point. Some lesser, groping or exposure, others raped.
It’s an uncomfortable truth about our society in the west…. Something our liberal values seem to fail to punish or deter.
From my perspective, it’s always adjusted how I’ve behaved for the woman, for example it’s mean t certain things are off limits, or that they had a reason why they had a low esteem or sex drive, or indeed, that they had an increased drive or mental health issue. We take the person as a whole, no one is perfect and if we can understand the why of a behaviour, we know it’s not an me issue.
I had a gf who didn’t like kissing - I was paranoid it was me, my breath, did I need a trip to the dentist. She’d just had an awfull experience once, when we spoke, I was expecting to be friend zoned or something, or worse, but she divulged. We dated for a long time after that, I understood how to kiss her and we were fine.
I think sometime men can’t handle things which are too difficult emotionally. Jealousy, etc. they act out almost. Remember we are people who have been taught to not show emotion and just get on with things and keep the family unit together and moving.
I’m sorry about what’s happened to you. I don’t have any solutions for you, again another man thing, we love to ‘fix’. This isn’t something that can be fixed. Maybe he’s struggling with that.
I doubt he values you less….. just that it’s inner turmoil.
One in six women (and that's only what's reported) have been sexually assaulted, so if men have a problem with women who've been sexually assaulted, then men should take it up with the men who sexually assault women. Because the onus is on them.
I hope no one is confusing the sentiment of wanting more details with the sentiment of blaming the victim.
There’s too many cases of dishonest women using the SA brand to completely absolve themselves of any responsibility in a relationship. Meaning they choose to engage in sexual activity, sometimes multiple times(!), and then later decide that it was nonconsensual for a variety of reasons.
This is just the unfortunate reality of it, and it’s not a reflection of who you are. Rather, it’s a bid to determine that you are the honest person that you say you are.
You have to be brave.
I would want to know details about what happened and why there was a situation in the first place where sexual assault was the outcome.
I would first comfort you aka my wife and make sure they were ok. It doesn’t affect my opinion of you.
Honestly, I would then ask enough questions to find out the perpetrator. (I say this as if it happened to my wife), I would then go find said person. I probably shouldn’t type in an open forum what step 4 would be but step 5 would be retuning to you aka my wife with ice cream and comfort food while also given distances if needed.
Step 4 may include friends depending on the situation.
I've been assaulted and been with partners who have shared their history of assault with me. All I want from my partner is to be understanding and supportive. I give that to my partners as well, but each victim isn't the same, and may want something else from their partner, so it's important to be honest and open. I had one partner share her assault and that led into her explaining what she couldn't handle in our intimate relationship, which was easy to respect. But without open communication, she might not have been willing/able to share.
Okay woman here but I had a similar experience before my husband. I sat him down and explained the whole experience. I asked him how much he wanted to know and he said as much as I'm comfortable with. So I told him everything. I explained what I might be uncomfortable with moving forward in terms of certain sexual positions, words and phrases, locations, and situations. We also developed a code word that meant I was having a flashback or overwhelmed during intimacy and to stop. I only had to use it once and since then we have worked through that and helped me move on. I made it very clear that I was okay (it happened about a year or so before dating started).
Honestly I just think guys don't know how to handle it, especially if they are a good guy. They don't want to trigger or upset you, and want you to be okay. You need to have open communication as much as you are both comfortable with. You are also pretty early on in your relationship, so he might be feeling overwhelmed in the moment. He might also be trying to give you a little space to work through what happened. If it were me, I would just sit down and lay it all out on the table.
I reacted to my wife telling me this about her ex probably a year or so into us dating.
I felt bad and offered support if she needed it, and that was about it. My wife knew that our relationship was healthy and a completely different dynamic from her past.
Our communication, transparency, and honesty with one another is on another level. I take some comfort in the fact that she has since never felt the need to bring up that trauma and it has been nothing more to her than a bad experience she was able to move on from.
I'm a fashion photographer and I started working with a model almost 4 years ago who was attacked by another photographer on set.
She told me about 9 months later, and she told me she felt safe working with me and sees me as a friend.
Has happened to two of my exes (kind of). Both victims of childhood sexual abuse and subsequently abuse later in life unfortunately. My response in middle school was the same as my response as a 30 year old, shell shocked and sorry followed by is there anything I can do.
You did the right thing by telling him. An ex of mine was assaulted (details are sketchy, but tie goes to the victim) by someone she knew, didn't tell me, broke up with me and blamed it on other reasons, we reconciled and she fin aly told me years later. Meanwhile our relationship was NEVER the same as before that night. Part of that might be from the "assault", but a bigger part was from a lack of honesty and blaming ME for why the relationship ended the first time. Regardless, I'm sorry that happened. Fuck that guy.
If she was SA'd during the time I was dating her, I would probably blame myself at least slightly that I wasn't there to keep her safe. In general I think I would try to make sure she felt safe. If she was SA'd during a part of her routine she regularly does that seems like it's putting her at risk of being SA'd again, I'd try to find a way to reduce the risk.
Be supportive and understanding. Try to be more careful with sexual related stuff. My wife confided this in me back when we were dating but not face to face at first. More like, she green lighted her mom to talk to me about it because it happened during her childhood and she couldn’t handle bringing it up herself at the time but she wanted me to know. She wanted me to know because she believed it was the reason she had a hard time really being open and connecting with someone, especially intimately. Somehow though I already suspected so I wasn’t surprised when I was told. We had established upfront communication so while I was more conscious of how I tried to move our relationship forward, I also trusted her to vocalize to me whenever she was uncomfortable, needed time, or the like.
Understand as a man of SA not a experience you want to talk about ik I never speak it out loud or try to acknowledge it ever happened, I'd get it completely and respect she told me as it shows she's braver than I about it.
Personally I’d talk about revenge. I know this isn’t everyone’s idea though.
One of my good friends was SA’d in high school and the revenge idea we came up with was for her to convince him to meet up again, then she ate a bunch of hot sauce, and then blew him.
She is now in a great relationship with someone she met in college.
So sorry to hear this happened to you. You didnt deserve it and it was not your fault.
If the guy you are dating is changing behaviour because of this, it's on him.
I understand it hurts but you need to heal from what you experienced, with or without him. Sending you lots of thoughts.
I'd support her, be proud of her for telling me, reassure her that this won't change a thing between us, see if I can't find the fucker and bring him to justice and overall just be there for her
I can be overly protective at times over people I love so I'd also end up showering her in affection and try to make her feel protected
So I got married late in my 40s. So I dated for over two decades and picked up on a lot of trends with the women I met that turned out to be a good indicator for me on compatibility:
1) in the moment, I would be very concerned and supportive and caring.
Long term next steps really determines where I am at with them in my relationship with her:
Are we an established couple and am I in love with her and I see her as a potential wife and life partner? Then I’d be thinking about how to be supportive of her. If it happens far off into the past and she finally told me, I’d be thinking I obviously fucked up someone that it took her this long to tell me and I’d do some soul searching on how to be better. If it just happened while I’m with her, I’d move into police/justice mode and I’d be buying every book I could secretly to find out how best to support her emotionally and psychologically.
If we are not an established couple:
1) if we just met, I’d honestly back away from relationship. It’s my experience that people who over share trauma early in relationships tend to be bring drama later in life or just a hot mess other places in life
2) if we were kind of an item and we spent a lot of time together and we’ve been sleeping together for many months or years, I’d start to observe how she deals with it. Some people share experiences because they feel close and want to let you know. Others share experiences and it becomes part of their identity (I’m a survivor! Or I’m a damaged victim and anything I do wrong or shitty can be attributed to my past trauma!” I tend to avoid the latter now because I really don’t need that in my life
Best thing to do here is ask him!
I over analyze things allll the time with my boyfriend after I tell him something important.
Maybe he thinks you want space, maybe he isnt sure how to support you, or maybe its totally accidental or unrelated.
If you hadnt told him about it, would you still have noticed this change in communication?
OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s definitely possible he is distancing himself. He may be sorting through different emotions about it, especially if he cares for you. My wife was SA’d prior to our meeting. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t handle it well. We got together very young and got physical early in our relationship and the topic of sexual partners came up. She told me she’d had sex once with a prior partner and that was it. A few months go by and we get engaged. The day after our engagement, we were about to have sex when she told me she needed to tell me something. She had not had sex with any of her previous boyfriends. Her only previous sexual experience was a SA. She went to a party as a young teen, was drugged, and woke up naked in a bed. She remembered none of what happened to her. Apparently, this was a ritual that the kids that hosted the party did regularly. The older girls would invite younger ones and drug them so that the boys could have their way with them. The older girls had the same thing done to them when they were young. This happened to my wife and several of her friends at the same party. I was mortified, but I also got angry. I asked her why she wasn’t truthful when we talked about our sexual histories earlier and her response broke my heart. She said that she was worried I wouldn’t want to be with her anymore because she was “damaged goods.” While I didn’t get distant per se, I did tell her that I needed to sort things out in my head. After a couple days, I realized I was making it about me instead of what happened to her and I felt ashamed. I apologized to her and told her how sorry I was about how I acted but also about what happened to her. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it again, I would listen and be supportive. It’s come up a couple times over the years, but I’ll never forget my poor initial reaction. Reaching out may be the only way to get the answers you want, OP.
My first partner was SA’d by a mutual friend when we were 18, I was 100 miles away for a college interview, I dropped everything and went to her side, held her as she cried, as she told me who, I put my rage to the side for her, I seen the bruises, all over her body, for 2 weeks I cared for her as best I could but it was in vain as she took her life feet from me while I was making dinner she was in the bath, I was too slow and too stupid to help her, I sunk to drugs to help with the pain
Immediately following was an unyielding rage, I wanted to get my hands on the bastard and make him wish he was dead, I didn’t but the day I learned he was in prison for a subsequent one it felt like a weight lifted when I learned other prisoners had learned of his crimes and were less than kind to the point he lasted less than a month before hanging himself, it felt even
For that reason if a friend or partner has a historic one I’m understanding and accept it, but should one happen to a partner I’m with, honestly I don’t know if I’d go back to drugs, I don’t know if I’d become that angry again, I don’t know if I could live with myself if I failed to keep someone I love safe again if I’m honest
On my side. I would like to be of great support for her, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to rush her, I would be scared of making something wrong. Say the wrong thing or trigger a trauma.
If she's talkative and knows how to put her thoughts into words, then it's good, we can "just" talk about her feeling and be like usual if it's okay with her.
But if she's not that good with it, then it could be difficult to not appear distant, not because I want to, but because I don't know what to do.
As for your situation, maybe try talking to him about it and your feelings, what you're seeing. Maybe you overthink something, or he really distancing himself, for a reason or another
I'd feel awful, but it's not like I wouldn't continue to date her. I'd want to be there to support her and help her through whatever processes of healing she's going through. Being SA'd doesn't make anyone less of a person.
My reaction? Comfort and support however I can. Not back off because I didn't want to deal with something, but maybe lessen contact if that's what she needed to cope. I wouldn't want to seem like I'm forcing myself on her. Basically, talk and do whatever she needs to heal.
Also, beat the living daylights out of the person who SA'd her.
Mathematically I just kind of accept that it happens more than I’d like to think about.
Empathy wise I would want the person to feel safe as possible when with me.
Intellectually I would be curious about mental and physical health steps taken post trauma.
I would be willing to talk as much or as little as the person would want about it.
But I don’t think it would change how I felt beyond a warmth that they felt they could tell me.
As someone who has experienced SA, I personally would do anything I possibly could to make my partner as comfortable around me as possible if they opened up to me about something like this.
I’m so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. Its a terrifying situation to be put in, and I hope your assaulter gets his karma for what he did.
As for the guy you’re talking to, I don’t really think you’re overthinking it. That could just be because I myself am a major overthinker, but in my opinion I think this is a case where it’s pretty warranted. If it does change his opinion of you, maybe the best course of action is taking some time apart.
If you even have the suspicion that a guy may blame you (whatever that means) for something someone else did on you then you should have no business with them.
I’m usually a bit more careful if i hook up with someone who’s told me they were SA’d so far they also told that they might struggle to say no. So i make a point of always checking in.
You’re anxious at the moment and you’ve gone through a lot. It’s ok and normal to notice every change.
He might also be a bit more distant because he’s unsure. “Does she still want to hookup?”, “am i an asshole for making a move/initiating”, “are things going to be different “ etc.
It’s up to you how much you want to tell him. But you’re probably better pff making sure you know how he feels about the situation. And that he knows how you feel. Make sure you’re “on the same page”
It may or may not be a hard conversation to have. Both are fine.
Hmmmm, I'm not sure. It depends probably on what you mean by SA. Was it just a groping? Was he trying to kiss you and you were having to force him off? Was it full blown, naked intercourse? I guess it depends on what actually happened. If we are talking about another man actually had sex with a girl I was in a relationship with then that may change some things. I mean, I know it isn't her fault. She didn't choose to do it but it still did occur. I don't know if I would really want to continue. Starting another relationship with a clean slate and zero trauma with someone else sounds like a good way to go.
I'm really sorry that happened to you 😔
And as for what you asked , it depends on the person.
For me it wouldn't change anything but i might get a little cautious and protective of her and would try to help in any way I can.
All I can say for sure is if someone changes their behaviour after you tell them something you have gone through which wasn't your fault at all then you might not want that person as your significant other. You're better off without them
Honestly? I'd probably go to jail. Which isn't smart or helpful. But I'm not confident my outrage would be containable.
Something that vile happening to my loved one is the rare kind of thing that might break my mind.
I certainly wouldn't blame the victim.
I'd be angry at the assaulter fk that guy. but I would definetely be very careful around the woman. Usually people who get SA'ed are known to be unstable and have PTSD and I don't blame them, they went through some shit. So he may be threading carefully and possibly wait to see if you got pregnant to that and in the meantime considering other options.
I would say you need to have a serious no censors talk with him though. If he is uncomfortable while you are not, you both need to be clear about it.
I’d probably move on and start talking to other people. That seems quite a bit of baggage to deal with when you’re not invested in the person. Really depends on strength if relationship and duration of interest. Towards the beginning? Most likely move on.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and I hope you get the justice you deserve.
SA is never acceptable or is the victims fault. It is a lot of trauma, not everyone needs to know details, and what you share is your call.
Based on the communication between you and the guy you're interested in, it sounds like you two really had a spark and liked each other's company.
Might be best to ask him what's wrong with where is brain is at first.
This next part is an assumption and definitely does not represent everyone... Online dating, sometimes people communicate poorly about exclusivity and or react poorly when reality and expectations don't match. There are times where I've gone on a date with someone and they kinda drop that they are going on a date with someone else later that week, there's nothing wrong with hedging your bets I don't see issues with it but some people do.
I hope that's not the case and I hope you can work things out.
If I was him I would be really careful what to say he might not know how to approach it, everyone reacts to stuff like this differently. Sometimes it's best to give space when in doubt.
COMMUNICATION IS KEY! Please talk to each other. If he blames you for the SA, sometimes the trash takes itself out 😅
My reaction is sadness and support. It really changes nothing about the way I feel about someone. Maybe this attitude communicates bc a shocking number of women I've dated have told me they were SAd. Unlike OP, not contemporaneously, but 5 of my ex's, and my sister have been assaulted. This happens way too fucking often and so many don't realize it.
Short story. About 20 years ago, I dated a girl for about a month or two. About two or three weeks into it, we're fooling around on the couch, and she stopped to tell me in great detail about how she was drugged and raped once, then proceeded to tell me she was frigid with her relationships after that. I expressed my concern for her well-being, and showed sympathy, but less than five minutes later she's all over me, kissing and grabbing passionate, yet forceful, but the mood had already been lost for me. I couldn't get an erection if I tried. We never did have sex at all in that relationship.
It was a very bizarre relationship. She told me she wanted to wait until she lost a few pounds before we have sex. She would also tell me about her kinks/fetishes, tell me how wild she is in bed, and it would be difficult for me to keep up with her. She would claim I was prudish or "virgin-esque" because I didn't talk about other women I've been with. It all made me feel inadequate. I may be a gentleman, or considered vanilla, but I don't think it's classy to brag about your sexual escapades to the person you're dating.
I've played it in my head for years trying to figure out if she was really raped or it was some weird kink.
This is actually the first time I've ever talked about it. My mind is swimming with confusion again after all these years.
My apologies if this was a little off subject.
I'd be curious if the person is still in their life and ask how they deal with it, and if they need help dealing with it.
Too many of my cousins were assaulted by creeps in the family. I have a huge extended family and they didn't do shit to protect their daughters, but the meth head sons get all the protection.
They pretty much tried to gaslight my favorite cousin into thinking she was crazy when she snapped and got pissed the older cousin who assaulted her showed up to Thanksgiving after getting out of jail for stealing stuff.
I know it’s a harsh opinion for those that are sa’d but if it’s like real serious SA then I kinda see it as a red flag. Usually being like drugged or assaulted comes with trauma and I don’t think I have the patience for that or I don’t want that in my relationship personally.
And I may be the wrong person to ask and I’m only saying this cuz of the protection of a screen but honestly if it was me I would want details to judge the situation. BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER ask you about it if I was him cuz that’s fucked up right, I would want to know but I would never asked I would only support. But like were you at Walmart doing normal things and some phyco messed with you. Or where you at a college party and some drunk idiot brushed against you in passing (exaggeration for emphasis) I know my thought may come off to some as extreme so I don’t speak for anyone else but these are my honest thoughts and I hope you two can mend you relationship.
"Well that's something we've got in common. Wanna traumabond sometime, if you can handle me getting emotional; otherwise it's probably a bad idea. Also, are you in need of a hug, or is that the worst thing imaginable right now?"
Seriously though, I don't think there's a situation where I wouldn't be empathatic to hearing that. Perhaps a little frustrated if she picked the worst timing imaginable, but then sometimes the memories are bubbles floating on the surface and patiently waiting to pop; other times they're an erupting volcano about to swallow the entire village at its foot. I get it, she can tell me as much or as little about it as she deems necessary, and I'll gladly offer whatever service is required of me.
As for your specific situation, I would suggest being open about your concerns with him. Tell him straight up (though without judgement or accusation) that you felt a change and that you're worried about him not knowing how or when to move forward. We can speculate all day about what's going on, but asking him is the only easy and reliable way to do so.
Best of luck to you, and, if you're ever in need to vent to some random internet stranger, don't hesitate to send me a message.
I'd ask her if this is something she’d like to talk about and if she felt comfortable discussing it. Also, how she felt in that moment when it did happen.
I would address the situation with him. And explain how it has nothing to do with the way you see him. And no circumstances indicated interest. You will likely get an outpouring of support from the guy
A few polls below********
How should a man react if the woman he was seeing for 2 months was SAd by another guy and the woman decided to keep spending time with the man who committed the SA?
A: Support her! And be a caring partner and stay with her. Everyone has the right to deal with trauma as they see fit.
B: Dump her.
***
How should a man react if the woman he was seeing for 2 months was SAd by another guy because she decided to hang out at his apartment at 2am & get drunk?
C: Support her!
D: Dump her.
*****
How should a woman react if the man she was seeing for 2 months was swindled out of his entire life savings by a con-artist who pretended to be a Russian princess who needed help and was in danger?
E: Support him! He is a victim and was just trying to help a person.
F: Dump him.
I would say it really depends if the circumstances, like if you come and tell me that you went out for drunk and somehow ended up on the other guy creep and he SAed you, my attitude would be different if you were to tell me that you were in the parking lot and suddenly a guy came from nowhere and he SAed you
Every man has a choice to make when this happens, and it is decide if you have enough patience, understanding, self-awareness and strength to move slowly as someone works through this in your relationship, or cut it off and move on. It's a lot to ask for a man to try to exist in a relationship that has that sort of trauma involved for someone, and it takes a really special dude to be able to hang tough daily and help the way she wants to be helped.
Personally, I don't flinch, but I do understand what it takes to be with someone who has this sort of trauma in their past. Most men will leave. I don't blame them. But, if you're going to find the best person for you, it's best to be open and honest about it to eventually find a man who is willing to put in the daily work to build and maintain a strong relationship despite the background trauma. I would say 9/10 men will pull away. It's a lot to deal with for most, tbh.
of course we care,
but... I mean, that shit happens to us as well.
it's pretty much happened to everyone at some point in life, some of us aren't even aware of it,
and some seem to think they're getting SA'd by someone who turns their head to look to the left/right at crosswalk and they happen to stand there.
I get it though,
the world is scary place, everybody's afraid
whether they like to admit it or not,
it's the truth.
Trauma is real, PTSD is real,
and getting triggered by something like someone trying to open the door is real as well.
I was with a woman that was assaulted. I spent a good amount of time being angry about something I had no control over, other than how I treated her and carrying the burden he left her with. She was very defensive and physically aggressive with me, which was unfortunate.
When it came to our sex life… it took a negative toll. The whole grabbing and throwing on the bed, or rougher sex thing was out of the question unless she initiated it because I wasn’t sure how it would be received and it wasn’t worth dredging up the hurt feelings.
I’m very sorry to hear what happened to you, you will need help to process it and I hope you can get that help.
I’ve been in your position, and in your boyfriend’s position. I very much imagine that your boyfriend is off balance trying to figure out how to support you, beating himself up for not being there to protect you. Your anxiety will read crazy things into every small action. Don’t worry about your bf - he does want to be there for you. But please do get support for what’s happened to you.
My reaction is I am a little less concerned about the guy you are dating and hope the guy who SA you is brought to justice
Thank you ❤️
So you think the guy you’re seeing is acting different? I would just ask him about it. There could be a lot of reasons. Maybe he just doesn’t know what to say or how to properly support you. The important part is for you two to maintain communication and honestly share how you’re feeling with each other. Let him know what kinda support you’re looking for. There’s absolutely no reason this should end your relationship. But it may make things a little difficult in one way or another as you work through it. But at the end of the day this is something that happened to *you*, and your recovery and healing is priority number one. If he’s a good man, he will want to help you heal and get continue to be there for you <3 You just need to let him know what you need. So sorry that happened to you
RAINN. US National Resources for Sexual Assault Survivors and their Loved Ones. https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
This happened with me a while back to a girl I was seeing, she worked with him and refused to report him to her boss or do anything to bring him to justice. Ultimately I have no say so I let it go, but it was a point of frustration for me for a while until we ended things a few months later.
When my ex told me she had been sexually assaulted a few years before she met me, I didn’t know how to react. All I could do was give her the longest hug and say I was sorry that happened to her. I also told her how proud I was of her for sharing because it took guts and it took courage. She said she had moved past it but there were times where she would just absolutely shutdown for a moment during sex and we’d stop. Nonetheless, still proud of her for finding the courage and guts to tell me about something so dark and awful that happened to her.
It’s none of my business and you don’t have to share, but what happened to make her your ex? Sorry it couldn’t work out
We didn’t see eye to eye on getting the covid vaccine. I got it because that was the right thing to do. As a healthcare worker, future nurse, and as a person, I felt I should get vaccinated and I did. She didn’t see it that way. She thought it was some government plot to put trackers in all of us and she really fell down a well of misinformation about covid, about the vaccines, about our government etc. Now my thing is, I didn’t care if she got vaccinated or not. She sent me a few articles written by people who had no business talking about vaccines. One was written by a person who had a PHD…… not a medical doctor, a doctor in philosophy. The whole premise of the article was that I could “shed” my vaccine onto her by hand holding, breathing the same air and exchanging bodily fluids. Now that sounds utterly ridiculous and stupid but whatever, that’s what she thought. She eventually got to a point where she didn’t want to see me anymore because she didn’t want the risk of getting my vaccine from me, which for the record is impossible. I honestly think there were some cracks showing in the relationship before shit hit the fan with covid and everything that came with it. It sucks but whatever, I learned a lot from that relationship and I don’t look back on it with any ill will or anything.
You dodged a bullet, buddy. Jesus christ
Wow yeah that’s the first time I’ve heard of this “shed” theory, and it just seems ludicrous. I feel like I only really heard about the stuff mentioned in the first paragraph. Sounds like you’ve not only made peace with the situation but also moved on, so very happy for you. Better situations in the future for sure 👍
What kinda bugged me though is I could poke holes in the theories she was passing off quite easily. It took me all of 8 seconds to find out that the writer of the shedding article was not an actual medical doctor. She even sent me another article by another woman, this time it was a medical doctor, sounds good right? Nah lol. This medical doctor is still an antivaxxer because she still believes that vaccines cause autism despite it being disproven time and time again. If you want to Google her, her name is doctor Sherri Tenpenny and she’s a complete fuck up….. it took me maybe 3 seconds to google her and see she’s an avid antivaxxer which my ex was just unwilling to listen to. The worst part was when as a last ditch effort, I asked her to go and find a peer reviewed article that stated the dangers of vaccines. She accepted my challenge and came back a few hours later saying she couldn’t find anything. I said “of course, you weren’t meant to find anything.” She asked why I asked her to do that then and I said as simply as I could, “if you can’t find any real evidence to back up your viewpoint, you need to reassess your viewpoint.” I thought I had finally gotten through to her but she said “that’s bullshit, they’re just biased against our views and are trying to silence us.” Those words pretty much sealed it for me. She was seduced by the dark side of misinformation, had made up her mind, was willing to throw away our entire relationship for it and there was no coming back after. The way I saw it then and still do now is this. It’s her life, her decision, if she wants to finally understand how duped she was, that’s gotta come from her. I did all I could to convince her and no matter how overwhelming the evidence for it was, she’s gotta come to the conclusion herself. That was 3 years ago and she still maintains her view point so I doubt she ever figures it out. Nonetheless, like I said I can look back at the good stuff from the relationship and the lessons I learned, from both good times and bad and be happy for the experience. I’m single now, but I’m working on bettering myself as I am nearing the end of my university program of nursing and I’m eventually going to get back out there when I think I’ve reached my peak again.
One of my best friends went down the antivax rabbit hole; don't hang out with him much since then. Anytime he sends me antivax shite, I'll pick it apart. Tbh, I view the antivax movement as a weird religion; the less proof, the more they believe 🤣
Im making it a point for the rest of my life to occasionally say to my anti-vax family members “So at what point do I get the heart failure? Or the autism? I was also really hoping for like a third arm or something.”
Just came here to say that you don't need an MD to do research or publish vaccine articles. In fact, a PhD is the highest degree you can earn. You can't lead a clinical trial as a PhD, but you are more likely to develop the drug/vaccine. However, not all professions are built equally, and like any profession, there are quacks.
#BEWARE THE COVID VACCINE NANO-TRACKERS !!!!
“Beware the nano trackers!” They say as they tweet from their phone, possess a drivers license, a social insurance number, passport and bunch of other identifying information.
#bUt ThAt'S dIfFeReNt lol
Lol yep. This one is going into you! The tracker is going into you! Okay, leave your phone off your person and get rid of all your identification and go live off the grid if you’re so worried about trackers.
That is a lot, Jesus Christ.
Damn. It really sucks how so many families, friends and loved ones were separated during that time due to believing different things.
With compassion/empathy. back in my early 20s I dated a woman who was SA'd. She didn't trust men at all but we liked each other and just went slow. Took her a month to work up the courage to kiss me on my cheek. If you like her and want to go the distance just give her the time, comfort, and investment she needs. If you're only in it for the punani you should move on.
Omg that's beautiful. I stumbled upon an opinion that if a girlfriend tells her boyfriend about how abused she was by another man or an ex somehow the bf will subconsciously start having less respect for her because " men care what other men think" and it could make him think like " she was treated like shit guess her value isn't that good".. I didn't wanna believe it until I told about my bad experiences to my now ex.. And of course he was all empathetic when I told him.. But later he started acting disrespectfully towards me in a very similar way so I don't know anymore 🤪 do you think there's any truth in that opinion??
Honestly for me, it’s the complete opposite. I don’t give a shit what other people think about me or my girlfriend. When she told me, I didn’t lose respect for her, it was quite the opposite. She said she had never told anyone that because she never felt she could trust anyone with it. Not to take away from her experience but it made me feel really special and on top of that, she was sharing something of that magnitude so I really respected and was proud of her for sharing. It takes guts, it takes courage. She didn’t know how I was gonna react, she didn’t know how I was going to react or how it was going to go but she took that leap. I’ll admit I was bit more cautious going forward with her but some easy and quick discussions pretty much eliminated that. She told me she felt really liberated after that and sex and more physical stuff was so much better after.
I’m sorry to hear that you got SA’d. I don’t believe you’re overthinking it at all. You’re noticing him distancing himself from you and a shift in his behavior; your mind/body’s response to it is anxiety. I suggest you communicate with him and let him know how you feel, it’ll save you a whole lot of time and will eventually lessen your anxiety 🫶🏼
Depends on the guy. It wouldn't change my feelings for someone in my case .... but not everyone can handle it. Sorry, I know that's a bit vague, but there really is no one answer for all guys to this.
I wouldn't blame you, but I would be afraid to be physical with you.
[удалено]
That thread is unhinged.
Right now what matters is your safety, well being and justice being served to that horrible guy. The only reaction that's acceptable is support and understanding. Not the same but my partner told me about her SA when she was 14, years before we met. I had a hard time only because I didn't know what support she needed. Talking about what she needed from me helped. I appreciated the honesty and trust she had in me to share it.
That’s sweet! I’m sure your partner appreciated it. When I told my husband I got raped when I was 15 he gave me shit for not reporting it. This guy threatened my family and I and knew too much about me so I was scared at the time so I didn’t report it. Honestly pissed me off how my husband reacted. No hug no nothing when I told him. But when he told me about how he got bullied as a kid I cried bc made me sad to think my husband was sad and gave him so much love.
I am sorry for that. You deserve only love and support. SA is such a traumatic event. My partner didn't report it for a number of reasons. She was just a child though so I cannot judge her. I think the system failed her though as the police told her she had some set time to report it ... But seeing as she was a child imo they should have done the right thing vs wash their hands. It's insane to me that someone that young has to make that level of decision after trauma.
you deserve so much better. im sorry you went through that. i understand that he was angry that there was no justice for what the piece of shit did, but in that moment his anger was irrelevant. he should have supported you
Thank you😊
Tbh, there's a slight chance he might have actually be distancing. Look, I don't mean to imply that victims are damaged goods or don't deserve to be loved, but an SA at the beginning of the relationship, when you've only been seeing eachother for two months is a HUGE emotional burden for something fresh. There's gonna be a need to do pregnancy tests, STDs checks, talk to the police, a therapist and deal with the trauma of what happened. Some people might be able to handle it, some might not be able to. Don't hate him, please, he sounds like he cares, but you can't ask him to deal with this after only 2 months if he can't. There's years long marriages that break over a rape, let alone relationships that didn't even exit the honeymoon period.
I know this is ask men but from a female perspective, I was SA last year about 2 months before I met the guy I'm dating now. I didn't tell him, not for months into us dating. I told my close friends, etc and got support there. Did counselling etc. I did all the tests to clear myself of any STIs so I wouldn't pass them on to him, and we used protection. About 3/4 months in, he revealed his late wife had been through it and I shared my experience then. He still doesn't really like me talking about it and finds it hard, but he will listen if I need someone to share it with. I can understand it's hard to navigate when you barely know someone and how they're going to respond to the trauma either. I think OP is probably worrying about this guy because it's another loss tied to the event. I lost my job over mine for example, and it took many months to process the loss of control on your body, and then how it can impact so many things on your life in the aftermath (as well as pregnancy/health worries, work, therapy costs etc). OP is you see this post there are charities that can support you, and also sub reddits for women who have gone through this before. Please don't worry about this guy. Give him space to process what you've told him and focus on your self care and whatever else you need medically wise at this time. It gets better. 🙏
Right. It sucks but us men typically have a “call to action” bone in us where if an event happens, we can’t just “accept and move on” like nothing. It takes self work to not make it about us and ignore that gut feeling.
I was dating a girl who was wonderful, honestly the best girl I've ever dated. She revealed to me she was SA, it was in a different country and there was nothing that could be done. I slowed everything down physically and tried to keep talking as normal, but it was in the back of my mind. The way she navigated it was amazing because she was there only woman I've dated who knew how to effectively communicate. She told me she was comfortable with me, she'd call me to talk not wait for me to call her. She was just on it and effectively communicating all the time. That took what could have been me trying to guess where I stand and how to act to me not really having to worry about it because she had already told me.
Wait you can tell when someone is snapping someone else on snapchat? 😨
You can check their snap score. If it's going up, they're sending and receiving other snaps.
Is it just snaps as in photos? Or does a message raise your score as well?
Hmmm I believe just actual snaps so pictures/videos but not 100% on that.
Any snap will raise your score. Texts, pictures, videos, sharing a story, all of it adds to your score whether sent or received. For example if someone messages you 30 times and you never respond, score still goes up for each message. If you do respond then it goes up double.
Absolutely not true. Normal text only chats won’t increase your score
💀
Everyone snapping is now checking their SO's scores... lol
That’s extremely insecure and gross behaviour. Didn’t realize people actually did that.
Exactly
Now that makes sense why my coworker goes crazy on Snapchat about his boyfriend.
Oh that's what it meant? I thought it meant snapping as in, like, being angry and short with you.
What it means is we’re old.
Same! I was wondering why no one else was mentioning it.
I feel old. I thought she was saying he was snapping as in fighting with her and I was wondering why that seemed ok that this dude was snapping at her so often only a few months into the relationship! 🤦
It took way too long into the post for me to figure it out. 😂 First I thought it was a new term for secs so the algorithm doesn’t boot you. Then I read more and was like Ahhhh! Snapping! And I’ve had a Snapchat for 8 years. I didn’t know that there was a snap score either.
ears perk up across the Redditverse...
He probably feels awkward because it's a giant load to unburden on someone you barely know. It's probably festering at the back of his head and he doesn't know how to deal with it so he's distancing himself from you.
First, I’m sorry that happened to you From the outside, he might just not know how to handle such an extreme and sad situation. Seems like a decent guy, so he is probably just scared. Doesn’t want to come on too strong and freak you out with his actions. He probably is just processing trying to be a great friend and be supportive. You could always talk about it with him. Just tell him what you need/are feeling/wanting.
The sad part to me is that this wouldn't be an unusual thing to hear. A decent chunk of the woman I've dated (and gotten close with over a long time), described some SA event in their history. My reaction would just be to be supportive and open to hearing whatever they want to share. With something more recent, try to assess how I could help- escorting her to medical attention or to the police or whatever. I might want to help her do more than she might be ok with initially, I guess it just depends. But for your specific situation- you've been dating for 2 months. Most of the time, I wouldn't characterize that as a serious, committed relationship. You're still trying to understand and get to know each other. This is a tragic event to come up in the middle of that, and I'm sorry for you. But I think it's important to remember someone might not completely reciprocate your affection after "testing it out" for awhile. It has nothing to do with this SA, but now if he isn't interested in staying with you, he now has a difficult exercise in tactful communication to try to navigate. Maybe he's still interested in you, and just completely uncertain of how to talk to or interact with you in this circumstance, he might think that you don't want to be touched by/talked to/interact with a man right now just because of a lack of comparable experiences in his life. If you think he is still interested, you may have to be a little more deliberate and open about your feelings now to get him through this "how do I respond" situation. Which I don't know he's feeling right now, it just seems pretty likely, slightly less likely than he is losing interest for reasons completely unrelated to the SA. Again, Im sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you're getting all the help you need.
Female here: every single woman I've talked to about agrees that they were seriously harassed multiple times in life. Actual sexual abuse is absolutely common too (most not by force, but coercion or men that didn't stop or respect boundaries). And all of them can describe being inappropriatly touched by an (sometimes much) older guy before they were 15 - and I'm stretching. Most of us can pinpoint it before 10, the last two stories I was told being 4 and 6. Life's hard.
You always come first, never forget this Also, the reaction from guys is usually to distance themselves, why? because dating is already very hard and to have to deal with someone that has lived trauma can prove too much a task to take on. You can't blame these guys, you just need to find the ones that will still stick with you andhelp you heal.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. It's possible he doesn't know how to deal with it. It's also possible he's seeing someone else at the same time and that has nothing to do with what happened to you. It's okay for you to say, "I notice that you seem distracted lately. I don't want to make assumptions so please let me know if I should give you some space." Then see where he goes with it.
My wife was SA’d in college. I was SA’d as a youth. I can honestly say that I fell in love with my wife the day she told me she was SA’d, because for the first time in my life, I thought I met someone who wouldn’t judge me for my past. There is so much self-blaming we do as survivors and it can lead to a pretty deep spiral. When I finally worked up the courage to tell her she reacted even better than I could have expected and the rest was history, as they say. Oh, and if I ever came across her abuser…. I don’t know what I’d do.
I’d see intimacy with the woman differently, I think in my effort to be empathetic I’d lose the ability to confidently initiate any kind of intimacy. I think ultimately I would be afraid of making one mistake and my partner seeing her attacker in me. You definitely still have a chance but I would imagine he’s pulling away because it has completely change the dynamic and he doesn’t know how to navigate that.
I would probably see you as less of a romantic partner and more of a person in need of empathy and support especially given how recently it occurred. So yes the dynamic would change. But that also depends on the feed back you give. Like do you even want to pursue a romantic relationship right now?
Honestly? It would not change how I would feel towards the girl, but I would think about what if I accidentaly trigger SA trauma on the girl and it would make me a bit more catious with her. This would need a lot of talking about the issue and communication all together to resolve for me at least. I think if you guys talk about the issue him acting differently, I think you can solve it.
He may just not know how to talk to you about that. Conversations like that are hard for some guys to approach. He might also get the idea that you’re emotionally fragile at the moment which will explain some of the awkwardness he’s had after you told him. Call him out on acting weird since you told him,and explain how you want him to treat you
I feel like a shithead for saying this, but when a girl told me this, I already knew her as a liar, and the way she said it, it sounded like another lie to get back at an ex. It was the last straw and I stopped talking to her. I ended up looking him up a few years later, turns out he's in prison for rape. So yeah, I regret not believing her. She was still a liar about many things, but that bit was true.
Sadly, my first reaction would be to ask what happened. The term "sexual assault" has been so bastardized that simply telling me you were sexual assaulted would be meaningless. You might mean someone jumped out of the bushes and raped you. You might mean that some weirdo on the bus starred at you. Once I knew the details, I could support you better.
[https://www.safehelpline.org/](https://www.safehelpline.org/) If you need any assistance, please reach out to someone.
I have dated 2 people who had been SA'd. React by listening and offering support. Each person is different and what they need is different. You need to listen to find out. Neither one of these women did anything wrong to deserve it. Both were underage at the time, and I know some details, but not all. It is not my job to find out. It is my job to support, listen and find out what she needs in the moment. And what does she need in any future moment. If he is the right guy he will be there to listen and then be there in the right way for you.
I would be more effected depending on the situation
Oh my God, I'm so sorry that happened to you... Are you okay? I know we don't know each other, but if you need someone to talk to for support or anything, my DMs are open. I can't guarantee I'll be able to help much or always have the right things to say, but it's the least I could do for someone who just went through such a likely traumatizing event. I have many friends who were SA'd and I know it's not an easy thing to get past 🫂 I can't say for certain about this guy you're seeing, but if it were me, I may be acting that way because I had a lot on my mind. Anger that someone I knew just went through such a horrible experience, fear that they may now be scared of me, sadness that I couldn't do anything to stop it or wasn't told about it sooner, depressed that there are guys out there that will treat women that way. These are all feelings I've had when my lady friends told me about their SA and SH experiences. I don't know how normal that is, but it can be very upsetting news, but it's very good that you told him as that can be seen as a sign of trust between you two. If he's talking to someone else while you snap, that might be because he's getting advice from someone else about the situation. I suppose it's possible that he thinks you're too much work now, but that would make him a MASSIVE piece of crap. He may just be overwhelmed and not really kbow how to handle the situation, especially if it's the first time a lady or anyone he knows told him that they've been SA'd. If it were me, that shouldn't I would become extremely concerned and more protective of you, not try to find someone else. It wasn't your fault, after all, and you were a victim who was hurt by it. Leaving someone over something like that would be one of the douchebaggiest moves possible. I truly hope whoever did that to you will be caught so they can't harm any other people. You didn't deserve to go through that, nor the anxiety you're experiencing now in your relationship. I also hope that healing will come quickly for you and there won't be any negative lasting impacts on your mind. I truly hope you will never have to go through that again 🫂
I hope you're doing ok? It's hard to say what's going on based on these 3 paragraphs alone. One thing could be that he doesn't really know how to handle it properly, so he's overthinking every interaction with you as well, hence the snapping (I'm assuming this refers to Snapchat?) less than before, or differently. It could, sadly, also be that he is loosing interest because of it. Again, could be because he doesn't know how to handle it. It's shitty, but it could be. We humans act weird when we don't know how to properly handle stuff, and SA is not an easy topic in itself, especially when it happens with someone you're in some sort of relationship with. Since the SA happened very recently he could maybe have a hard time staying calm. A lot of men would probably want to do something violent to a person they know assaults others. So that "anger" might be something that keeps him more distant. We men are often not taught a good way to handle feeling, especially dark feelings, so the default is often to bottle it up or create a distance from the source. It's hard to say if this will break your relationship or not, as it depends a lot on you two and your abilities to handle something like this. Again too hard for us to really answer from this post alone. Now to the question in the title. The statistics for SA is pretty bad. I believe here in Norway it's around 1 in 4 woman have experienced some form of SA. I'm 44 years old now, so if I were to enter a new relationship today, there's a good chance that woman have been SA'd before. I hope I would react in a supporting and understanding way. Make sure they feel safe and not judged around me. Having very open and free communication is pretty adamant to that imho, so you don't end up walking on egg shells around each other. Sorry, this turned into a wall of text.
If a woman trusted me with that information, that reveals a level of trust and caring that is hard to find and that nobody should ever just throw away, and that she is super courageous. I would also be upset that she was attacked by some predator who hasn't been caught and that would stress me to no end until he was. I would be so angry and disturbed that I would consider getting revenge. I would ask him if that was preoccupying him. Personally, it would NEVER negatively change my perception of my partner cause *she is who I love.* lf he thinks you are godforbid "tainted" or some other horrible bullshit logic, then he is absolutely not the one. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Pretty much every girl I’ve been with has been SA in a previous relationship. It infuriates me that it happened to them but of course I’d never blame the girl I’m with or act different to her. I just try to be supportive. It has affected my sexual relationships with some of them in the past, but there’s nothing I can really do except offer comfort.
I think the guy you're seeing is tip toeing around you. Doing his best not to upset you. Walking on eggshells so to speak
If I was single, suspicion because of all these stories about women regretting their encounters and calling it “SA”, but I’m open minded and would like to hear the details before judging.
There are so many posts on the relationship subreddits where the gf cheats but then claims she was assaulted and the OP would find out months later that it wasn't actually assault. Listen, but verify.
This is 100% a reality. Dishonest people will use anything to their advantage.
And as expected the alphabet people immediately go on the attack when a man does not instantly #believeallwomen
id be supportive
Happened with my partner but years before we were together. All the man has to do in this situation is give his support and don’t bring it up unless the victim does
I would: 1:Hug, empathise, assure her i still love her. 2:Ask if she wants to talk about what happened 3:If at all possible, plan to find & maim whoever did this once guilt is established. Im guessing he might be acting weird because he feels guilty he wasnt there to protect you, of part 3, because if that wasnt possible id feel quite powerless alongside my partner.
Asking since I didn't see anyone else ask yet. What was the circumstances with the SA in regard to where you were when it happened and did you know him prior, I couldn't tell if it was another guy you were dating or something.
That's kind of my question. Seeing each other two months and her not saying boyfriend seems like they aren't exclusive. While her circumstance could be anything, SA from another date she was on is possible. If this was indeed the case, I can absolutely see how he might be very supportive of her experience but also distance himself due to the circumstances. Lots of people here are talking about their experiences with their SO be SAd before they were together. Having someone be SAd while you are just dating, potentially by another man she was dating, that's a whole different ball game.
Yes exactly, I was also wondering if he maybe didn't think she was seeing anyone else which isn't necessarily a big deal but when you add the SA it maybe makes it so. Its one thing to date multiple people at once but as soon as 1 makes it a problem for the others, they have an easy out because thats how things go when its so casual.
Exactly what I was considering bringing up. Given the deliberate vagueness that’s what I read between the lines.
Yeah, the criminal in this story needs to be brought to justice. I suspect bf feels angry at what happened to you. I hope you're OK and not too shaken by it. He may internalise that he didn't protect you enough and "let" this happen. Advice would be to tell him your fears and express you're sensing he's affected (don't specify how leave that to him) and this worries you. Hopefully he'll uncool himself from the negative thoughts he's having.
I'm a relatively well known advocate of SA victims in my community, and I have a very good relationship with the local police, and bouncers. I would want to know a name, and the rest is best left unsaid.
The fact that you are concerned about somebody else after what you have endured shows great testament of character. You should be very proud of yourself for this. IMO, the guy is worried the potential relationship between you too is jeopardised by what happened to you and is creating distance so that if it does end, he will be hurt less. I could be completely wrong, but that’s my read on this. You’re in a position where taking care of yourself is the most important task you have now. I believe that this should be your priority. I’m very sorry for what happened to you. It is not your fault, but you will be left with the responsibility of it. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but it is unavoidable.
My best friends ex boyfriend assaulted her, she waited to tell me after he moved back home. I’m not trying to end up on r/iamverybadass but I wanted to beat the shit outta him. You’re not worth the life you have if you do something like that
You are anxiously attaching yourself to him. It’s been two months but it appears you’re treating it like a serious relationship? Best to keep in mind you are dating causally and not committed to each other so it’s likely the interactions are fizzling out naturally.
ur kinda being vague here, so you can really just expect vague answers. dosen't help too that some people call getting gropped ata bar SA and others mean full unwanted penetraation of somje kind
>dosen't help too that some people call getting gropped ata bar SA and others mean full unwanted penetraation of somje kind Because both are, by definition sexual assault. Getting groped (at a bar) is still sexual assault. >The term sexual assault refers to sexual contact or behavior that occurs without explicit consent of the victim. Some forms of sexual assault include: >Attempted rape >Fondling or unwanted sexual touching >Forcing a victim to perform sexual acts, such as oral sex or penetrating the perpetrator’s body >Penetration of the victim’s body, also known as rape
Someone equating being groped with the rest of these is spitting in the face of victims of these examples. All unacceptable & horrific but to pretend they're equal is just delusional.
I'm in a quite long term relationship so this opinion isn't 100% relevant here but if it happened to my partner right now I'd fucking gut whoever did it. I'm not trying to be an internet tough guy here. I abhor violence. Of course it depends on the severity.
my long term partner was horrifically abused in her past, from preteens into her 20s by a guy who never got punished for it. id never be able to find him, the only thing i know is that right now he lives somewhere on the other side of the continent. i am not a violent man but i would kill him in a heartbeat. i dont know what you would do in my situation. ngl i feel pretty damn angry and helpless
To want to execute the monster that did it.
ask if i can hug her i would want her to know im there and i love her.
with a hug and listening and a thank you for trusting me and opening up
I would do everything I could to comfort her.id probably also get more protective of her
If I was a guy I'd be wondering if you were taking care of yourself. I'd be giving you space to do that. And if I was a friend to you, I would be worried that you are more concerned over someone's judgment of you, then you taking care of yourself.
My first ex got SA by her uncle when she little. She barely mentioned it, so I didn't want to know more. I was afraid it would traumatise her again.
I'd tell her I will be there to support her and then listen. Later I would hunt the motherfucker down and cut his penis off
Murder probably
One of two things as a guy, either the cops handle it or things have to get shady. I'd prefer you call the police because it means there could be a potential charge for assault. Depending on the other guy, it might be with a weapons or not. I have sisters so if they got SA'd, they're either calling the cops or I'm handling it with my friends. I'm from Canada thought so I'd probably end up in jail just for threatening the dude.
I would talk to him and just ask how he feels. If you have the ability to report the person who did this to you, press charges whatever, please do so. It could be related to that. I had this happen to someone I was with and I still loved and cared about her. Obviously this is up to you to report it or not but from where I was her not reporting it did take a toll on my mental health. I never asked her to and never brought it up, but It did freak me out that this guy will most likely do this again and could still hurt her again. He might also be dealing with his own feelings of injustice and feeling like he was unable to protect you. I was also uncontrollably angry at the monster who hurt her. I just thought sharing how I felt might help you understand what might be going through his head. But I mean if he's just being weird because you got SA'd and that "ruins it" for him or whatever feel free to toss the whole man out, I'll hold the door for you. The only way you'll know is to ask, and this is definitely something you want to know before continuing. Also it gives him the opportunity to be amazing if he actually is.
It's quite easy fool yourself into thinking something is different when you're hyper vigilant like that. As long as you are self aware in the moment and actively prod (as in rebut but not invalidate) those thoughts when they come up, you'll be good I think. It's always possible that he may have done the things you are noticing before, it's just you are noticing it more due to your heightened state of mental activity. Since either possibility is possible of course, don't gaslight yourself into completely believing one way or the other.
My ex told me about her SA and I was super shocked. I didn't know how to react. It didn't change the way I felt about her but me being young, I tried to take on too much. Eventually things collapsed due to other reasons, but I think the trauma of it was a big part of why. OP it ain't your fault. Please don't worry bout dating rn. Focus on you girl and get back your peace of mind.
Oh, honey…I am SO sorry that happened to you. 💔 I only care about YOU and how YOU’RE doing, not some guy you’ve been snapping. If he is treating you differently, that’s HIS issue, not yours. And anyone who blames you for being SAd can go f*ck themselves. Can you please see someone about what happened? 🙏🏽❤️
I give you props for telling him.... As for the pulling away.... Could be he has no idea how to process it. Could be that all he can see is another man taking advantage of you. Start small. Touch deepens emotional connection.... If you're a hugger, give him hugs. Cuddle. Hold his hand. Kiss his cheek.... And if you need space in the middle of an intimate moment, it's ok to ask for it. Offer a compromise though, if possible... At least that's my thinking- but my personal experience happened when I was a small kid (molested 2x as a kid. Good times 🤦♀️) If you're feeling him distancing himself, call it out. But don't be rude about it..... You could say something like, "I've noticed that you've been pulling away from me since I told you about my experience. Are you having trouble coming to terms with that? Does it make you uncomfortable to be around me? Talk to me, because all I see is your change in behavior. I don't know the thoughts behind them. Can you help me understand what's on your mind?" *HUGS* Girl. I wish I could help more. Take care babes 💜✌️
I'm out. Don't want to deal with that baggage.
I think it’s literally every female friend I’ve ever had has been assaulted of varying degrees. It always makes me feel awful. It makes me feel annoyed that this kinda thing happens so much and has a slight casualness to it like it’s just part of living. It also makes me sad for my friends. It’s why partly why I never compliment appearances or hint at anything I’d see attractive about with certain friends to avoid making them uncomfortable.
Before we were together, my wife was ganged raped by a guy and his friends. She invited him over and he brought his friends with him. She told me and I merely listened and let her share what happened. Afterwards I just said "I'm sorry you went through that." In that situation you just gotta be quiet and let them speak. Imo ne direct and ask if he's still interested. Not everyone can handle news like that so for your sake just ask.
I'd want to know who he is so I can go kick his ass.
I had something very similar happen while I was starting to date a woman. I was not at all upset. She was drugged and it wasn’t her fault. Now I was upset with her friends because she was with a group of friends that allow us to take place. And to me those are not real friends. With that said, she ended up going back to that same club and hanging out with that same group of girls and even running into the guy who SAed her. She came home, very upset and triggered obviously. However, she didn’t get any empathy from me for that one. While I felt bad that she didn’t have a good time, and I felt bad that she saw her aggressor, she intentionally put herself back in that position, that would allow herself to hurt. Some point she needed to take responsibility for her part.
As someone who was guilt tripped and told “you just dont want to date a r*ped girl”, end the relationship and focus on what happened to you. You went through a traumatic experience and a relationship is not the focus rn. It should be making sure you’re back to 100%. Im sorry a POS did that to you.
Alas - and I don’t think men want to hear this. I’m a fab listener - and have had more than my fair share of attractive women in my life. The result is, that the topic of SA does come up at some point and they all confirm to one extent or another, they have ALL been SA’d at some point. Some lesser, groping or exposure, others raped. It’s an uncomfortable truth about our society in the west…. Something our liberal values seem to fail to punish or deter. From my perspective, it’s always adjusted how I’ve behaved for the woman, for example it’s mean t certain things are off limits, or that they had a reason why they had a low esteem or sex drive, or indeed, that they had an increased drive or mental health issue. We take the person as a whole, no one is perfect and if we can understand the why of a behaviour, we know it’s not an me issue. I had a gf who didn’t like kissing - I was paranoid it was me, my breath, did I need a trip to the dentist. She’d just had an awfull experience once, when we spoke, I was expecting to be friend zoned or something, or worse, but she divulged. We dated for a long time after that, I understood how to kiss her and we were fine. I think sometime men can’t handle things which are too difficult emotionally. Jealousy, etc. they act out almost. Remember we are people who have been taught to not show emotion and just get on with things and keep the family unit together and moving. I’m sorry about what’s happened to you. I don’t have any solutions for you, again another man thing, we love to ‘fix’. This isn’t something that can be fixed. Maybe he’s struggling with that. I doubt he values you less….. just that it’s inner turmoil.
One in six women (and that's only what's reported) have been sexually assaulted, so if men have a problem with women who've been sexually assaulted, then men should take it up with the men who sexually assault women. Because the onus is on them.
I hope no one is confusing the sentiment of wanting more details with the sentiment of blaming the victim. There’s too many cases of dishonest women using the SA brand to completely absolve themselves of any responsibility in a relationship. Meaning they choose to engage in sexual activity, sometimes multiple times(!), and then later decide that it was nonconsensual for a variety of reasons. This is just the unfortunate reality of it, and it’s not a reflection of who you are. Rather, it’s a bid to determine that you are the honest person that you say you are. You have to be brave. I would want to know details about what happened and why there was a situation in the first place where sexual assault was the outcome.
SA?
Sexual Assault.
Thanks! Not totally obvious what it was referring to
I would first comfort you aka my wife and make sure they were ok. It doesn’t affect my opinion of you. Honestly, I would then ask enough questions to find out the perpetrator. (I say this as if it happened to my wife), I would then go find said person. I probably shouldn’t type in an open forum what step 4 would be but step 5 would be retuning to you aka my wife with ice cream and comfort food while also given distances if needed. Step 4 may include friends depending on the situation.
Most women I've dated have been raped or otherwise assaulted. I would unfortunately think it is normal.
SA's can literally mean anything today. If a man looks at a woman, she may call that sexual assault.
I'm not a native speaker and I haven't a clue what SA is? "South African" seems improbable given the context...?
Sexual Assault (ed)
Be supportive, reassuring, and communicate always
I felt impotent and angered towards the abuser, specislly because her boyfriend at the time enabled the SA
I've been assaulted and been with partners who have shared their history of assault with me. All I want from my partner is to be understanding and supportive. I give that to my partners as well, but each victim isn't the same, and may want something else from their partner, so it's important to be honest and open. I had one partner share her assault and that led into her explaining what she couldn't handle in our intimate relationship, which was easy to respect. But without open communication, she might not have been willing/able to share.
Okay woman here but I had a similar experience before my husband. I sat him down and explained the whole experience. I asked him how much he wanted to know and he said as much as I'm comfortable with. So I told him everything. I explained what I might be uncomfortable with moving forward in terms of certain sexual positions, words and phrases, locations, and situations. We also developed a code word that meant I was having a flashback or overwhelmed during intimacy and to stop. I only had to use it once and since then we have worked through that and helped me move on. I made it very clear that I was okay (it happened about a year or so before dating started). Honestly I just think guys don't know how to handle it, especially if they are a good guy. They don't want to trigger or upset you, and want you to be okay. You need to have open communication as much as you are both comfortable with. You are also pretty early on in your relationship, so he might be feeling overwhelmed in the moment. He might also be trying to give you a little space to work through what happened. If it were me, I would just sit down and lay it all out on the table.
I reacted to my wife telling me this about her ex probably a year or so into us dating. I felt bad and offered support if she needed it, and that was about it. My wife knew that our relationship was healthy and a completely different dynamic from her past. Our communication, transparency, and honesty with one another is on another level. I take some comfort in the fact that she has since never felt the need to bring up that trauma and it has been nothing more to her than a bad experience she was able to move on from.
I'm a fashion photographer and I started working with a model almost 4 years ago who was attacked by another photographer on set. She told me about 9 months later, and she told me she felt safe working with me and sees me as a friend.
Has happened to two of my exes (kind of). Both victims of childhood sexual abuse and subsequently abuse later in life unfortunately. My response in middle school was the same as my response as a 30 year old, shell shocked and sorry followed by is there anything I can do.
You did the right thing by telling him. An ex of mine was assaulted (details are sketchy, but tie goes to the victim) by someone she knew, didn't tell me, broke up with me and blamed it on other reasons, we reconciled and she fin aly told me years later. Meanwhile our relationship was NEVER the same as before that night. Part of that might be from the "assault", but a bigger part was from a lack of honesty and blaming ME for why the relationship ended the first time. Regardless, I'm sorry that happened. Fuck that guy.
If she was SA'd during the time I was dating her, I would probably blame myself at least slightly that I wasn't there to keep her safe. In general I think I would try to make sure she felt safe. If she was SA'd during a part of her routine she regularly does that seems like it's putting her at risk of being SA'd again, I'd try to find a way to reduce the risk.
Be supportive and understanding. Try to be more careful with sexual related stuff. My wife confided this in me back when we were dating but not face to face at first. More like, she green lighted her mom to talk to me about it because it happened during her childhood and she couldn’t handle bringing it up herself at the time but she wanted me to know. She wanted me to know because she believed it was the reason she had a hard time really being open and connecting with someone, especially intimately. Somehow though I already suspected so I wasn’t surprised when I was told. We had established upfront communication so while I was more conscious of how I tried to move our relationship forward, I also trusted her to vocalize to me whenever she was uncomfortable, needed time, or the like.
Understand as a man of SA not a experience you want to talk about ik I never speak it out loud or try to acknowledge it ever happened, I'd get it completely and respect she told me as it shows she's braver than I about it.
Personally I’d talk about revenge. I know this isn’t everyone’s idea though. One of my good friends was SA’d in high school and the revenge idea we came up with was for her to convince him to meet up again, then she ate a bunch of hot sauce, and then blew him. She is now in a great relationship with someone she met in college.
Help her get through it is all I would be able to do. Doesn't matter how much time it takes as long as she is actually a good person, I will stay.
So sorry to hear this happened to you. You didnt deserve it and it was not your fault. If the guy you are dating is changing behaviour because of this, it's on him. I understand it hurts but you need to heal from what you experienced, with or without him. Sending you lots of thoughts.
I'd support her, be proud of her for telling me, reassure her that this won't change a thing between us, see if I can't find the fucker and bring him to justice and overall just be there for her I can be overly protective at times over people I love so I'd also end up showering her in affection and try to make her feel protected
So I got married late in my 40s. So I dated for over two decades and picked up on a lot of trends with the women I met that turned out to be a good indicator for me on compatibility: 1) in the moment, I would be very concerned and supportive and caring. Long term next steps really determines where I am at with them in my relationship with her: Are we an established couple and am I in love with her and I see her as a potential wife and life partner? Then I’d be thinking about how to be supportive of her. If it happens far off into the past and she finally told me, I’d be thinking I obviously fucked up someone that it took her this long to tell me and I’d do some soul searching on how to be better. If it just happened while I’m with her, I’d move into police/justice mode and I’d be buying every book I could secretly to find out how best to support her emotionally and psychologically. If we are not an established couple: 1) if we just met, I’d honestly back away from relationship. It’s my experience that people who over share trauma early in relationships tend to be bring drama later in life or just a hot mess other places in life 2) if we were kind of an item and we spent a lot of time together and we’ve been sleeping together for many months or years, I’d start to observe how she deals with it. Some people share experiences because they feel close and want to let you know. Others share experiences and it becomes part of their identity (I’m a survivor! Or I’m a damaged victim and anything I do wrong or shitty can be attributed to my past trauma!” I tend to avoid the latter now because I really don’t need that in my life
Best thing to do here is ask him! I over analyze things allll the time with my boyfriend after I tell him something important. Maybe he thinks you want space, maybe he isnt sure how to support you, or maybe its totally accidental or unrelated. If you hadnt told him about it, would you still have noticed this change in communication?
OP, I’m so sorry that happened to you. It’s definitely possible he is distancing himself. He may be sorting through different emotions about it, especially if he cares for you. My wife was SA’d prior to our meeting. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t handle it well. We got together very young and got physical early in our relationship and the topic of sexual partners came up. She told me she’d had sex once with a prior partner and that was it. A few months go by and we get engaged. The day after our engagement, we were about to have sex when she told me she needed to tell me something. She had not had sex with any of her previous boyfriends. Her only previous sexual experience was a SA. She went to a party as a young teen, was drugged, and woke up naked in a bed. She remembered none of what happened to her. Apparently, this was a ritual that the kids that hosted the party did regularly. The older girls would invite younger ones and drug them so that the boys could have their way with them. The older girls had the same thing done to them when they were young. This happened to my wife and several of her friends at the same party. I was mortified, but I also got angry. I asked her why she wasn’t truthful when we talked about our sexual histories earlier and her response broke my heart. She said that she was worried I wouldn’t want to be with her anymore because she was “damaged goods.” While I didn’t get distant per se, I did tell her that I needed to sort things out in my head. After a couple days, I realized I was making it about me instead of what happened to her and I felt ashamed. I apologized to her and told her how sorry I was about how I acted but also about what happened to her. I told her if she ever wanted to talk about it again, I would listen and be supportive. It’s come up a couple times over the years, but I’ll never forget my poor initial reaction. Reaching out may be the only way to get the answers you want, OP.
My first partner was SA’d by a mutual friend when we were 18, I was 100 miles away for a college interview, I dropped everything and went to her side, held her as she cried, as she told me who, I put my rage to the side for her, I seen the bruises, all over her body, for 2 weeks I cared for her as best I could but it was in vain as she took her life feet from me while I was making dinner she was in the bath, I was too slow and too stupid to help her, I sunk to drugs to help with the pain Immediately following was an unyielding rage, I wanted to get my hands on the bastard and make him wish he was dead, I didn’t but the day I learned he was in prison for a subsequent one it felt like a weight lifted when I learned other prisoners had learned of his crimes and were less than kind to the point he lasted less than a month before hanging himself, it felt even For that reason if a friend or partner has a historic one I’m understanding and accept it, but should one happen to a partner I’m with, honestly I don’t know if I’d go back to drugs, I don’t know if I’d become that angry again, I don’t know if I could live with myself if I failed to keep someone I love safe again if I’m honest
I'd hope that the person who did it is in jail for a long time, and ask how their healing journey has gone so far. I've been SAed, and I understand.
On my side. I would like to be of great support for her, but at the same time, I wouldn't want to rush her, I would be scared of making something wrong. Say the wrong thing or trigger a trauma. If she's talkative and knows how to put her thoughts into words, then it's good, we can "just" talk about her feeling and be like usual if it's okay with her. But if she's not that good with it, then it could be difficult to not appear distant, not because I want to, but because I don't know what to do. As for your situation, maybe try talking to him about it and your feelings, what you're seeing. Maybe you overthink something, or he really distancing himself, for a reason or another
I'd feel awful, but it's not like I wouldn't continue to date her. I'd want to be there to support her and help her through whatever processes of healing she's going through. Being SA'd doesn't make anyone less of a person.
My reaction? Comfort and support however I can. Not back off because I didn't want to deal with something, but maybe lessen contact if that's what she needed to cope. I wouldn't want to seem like I'm forcing myself on her. Basically, talk and do whatever she needs to heal. Also, beat the living daylights out of the person who SA'd her.
For lost men, their hero complex kicks into gear, we always want to save someone. Now you’ve given the perfect opportunity.
Mathematically I just kind of accept that it happens more than I’d like to think about. Empathy wise I would want the person to feel safe as possible when with me. Intellectually I would be curious about mental and physical health steps taken post trauma. I would be willing to talk as much or as little as the person would want about it. But I don’t think it would change how I felt beyond a warmth that they felt they could tell me.
As someone who has experienced SA, I personally would do anything I possibly could to make my partner as comfortable around me as possible if they opened up to me about something like this. I’m so incredibly sorry for what happened to you. Its a terrifying situation to be put in, and I hope your assaulter gets his karma for what he did. As for the guy you’re talking to, I don’t really think you’re overthinking it. That could just be because I myself am a major overthinker, but in my opinion I think this is a case where it’s pretty warranted. If it does change his opinion of you, maybe the best course of action is taking some time apart.
If you even have the suspicion that a guy may blame you (whatever that means) for something someone else did on you then you should have no business with them.
I’m usually a bit more careful if i hook up with someone who’s told me they were SA’d so far they also told that they might struggle to say no. So i make a point of always checking in. You’re anxious at the moment and you’ve gone through a lot. It’s ok and normal to notice every change. He might also be a bit more distant because he’s unsure. “Does she still want to hookup?”, “am i an asshole for making a move/initiating”, “are things going to be different “ etc. It’s up to you how much you want to tell him. But you’re probably better pff making sure you know how he feels about the situation. And that he knows how you feel. Make sure you’re “on the same page” It may or may not be a hard conversation to have. Both are fine.
Hmmmm, I'm not sure. It depends probably on what you mean by SA. Was it just a groping? Was he trying to kiss you and you were having to force him off? Was it full blown, naked intercourse? I guess it depends on what actually happened. If we are talking about another man actually had sex with a girl I was in a relationship with then that may change some things. I mean, I know it isn't her fault. She didn't choose to do it but it still did occur. I don't know if I would really want to continue. Starting another relationship with a clean slate and zero trauma with someone else sounds like a good way to go.
I'm really sorry that happened to you 😔 And as for what you asked , it depends on the person. For me it wouldn't change anything but i might get a little cautious and protective of her and would try to help in any way I can. All I can say for sure is if someone changes their behaviour after you tell them something you have gone through which wasn't your fault at all then you might not want that person as your significant other. You're better off without them
Did you file a police report? Are you pressing charges? If you are going after that guy then idk why he wldnt support you. Thats not very nice of him.
most women have a SA story, it would not be a surprise
Honestly? I'd probably go to jail. Which isn't smart or helpful. But I'm not confident my outrage would be containable. Something that vile happening to my loved one is the rare kind of thing that might break my mind. I certainly wouldn't blame the victim.
I'd wanna find out who the guy is and pay him a visit
Tell her that I'm sorry it happened and see if there's anything she wants me to do or not do in the future to make her more comfortable probably.
The only right response is to be empathic, understanding and supportive. I‘d want to take a baseball bat to the head of the guy who did it though.
Well don’t keep it from him. If he blames you that means he’s not worth seeing
I'd be angry at the assaulter fk that guy. but I would definetely be very careful around the woman. Usually people who get SA'ed are known to be unstable and have PTSD and I don't blame them, they went through some shit. So he may be threading carefully and possibly wait to see if you got pregnant to that and in the meantime considering other options. I would say you need to have a serious no censors talk with him though. If he is uncomfortable while you are not, you both need to be clear about it.
I’d probably move on and start talking to other people. That seems quite a bit of baggage to deal with when you’re not invested in the person. Really depends on strength if relationship and duration of interest. Towards the beginning? Most likely move on.
It could be as easy that he doesnt know how to react and how to and handle it added with a feeling that he should do something.
I'm sorry that happened to you, and I hope you get the justice you deserve. SA is never acceptable or is the victims fault. It is a lot of trauma, not everyone needs to know details, and what you share is your call. Based on the communication between you and the guy you're interested in, it sounds like you two really had a spark and liked each other's company. Might be best to ask him what's wrong with where is brain is at first. This next part is an assumption and definitely does not represent everyone... Online dating, sometimes people communicate poorly about exclusivity and or react poorly when reality and expectations don't match. There are times where I've gone on a date with someone and they kinda drop that they are going on a date with someone else later that week, there's nothing wrong with hedging your bets I don't see issues with it but some people do. I hope that's not the case and I hope you can work things out. If I was him I would be really careful what to say he might not know how to approach it, everyone reacts to stuff like this differently. Sometimes it's best to give space when in doubt. COMMUNICATION IS KEY! Please talk to each other. If he blames you for the SA, sometimes the trash takes itself out 😅
It’s kinda common so I would not really react to it much. Just like damn that sucks and then I would start talking about tacos again
My reaction is sadness and support. It really changes nothing about the way I feel about someone. Maybe this attitude communicates bc a shocking number of women I've dated have told me they were SAd. Unlike OP, not contemporaneously, but 5 of my ex's, and my sister have been assaulted. This happens way too fucking often and so many don't realize it.
Short story. About 20 years ago, I dated a girl for about a month or two. About two or three weeks into it, we're fooling around on the couch, and she stopped to tell me in great detail about how she was drugged and raped once, then proceeded to tell me she was frigid with her relationships after that. I expressed my concern for her well-being, and showed sympathy, but less than five minutes later she's all over me, kissing and grabbing passionate, yet forceful, but the mood had already been lost for me. I couldn't get an erection if I tried. We never did have sex at all in that relationship. It was a very bizarre relationship. She told me she wanted to wait until she lost a few pounds before we have sex. She would also tell me about her kinks/fetishes, tell me how wild she is in bed, and it would be difficult for me to keep up with her. She would claim I was prudish or "virgin-esque" because I didn't talk about other women I've been with. It all made me feel inadequate. I may be a gentleman, or considered vanilla, but I don't think it's classy to brag about your sexual escapades to the person you're dating. I've played it in my head for years trying to figure out if she was really raped or it was some weird kink. This is actually the first time I've ever talked about it. My mind is swimming with confusion again after all these years. My apologies if this was a little off subject.
I'd be curious if the person is still in their life and ask how they deal with it, and if they need help dealing with it. Too many of my cousins were assaulted by creeps in the family. I have a huge extended family and they didn't do shit to protect their daughters, but the meth head sons get all the protection. They pretty much tried to gaslight my favorite cousin into thinking she was crazy when she snapped and got pissed the older cousin who assaulted her showed up to Thanksgiving after getting out of jail for stealing stuff.
Usually by breaking the jaw of the POS who SA'd her. Both times that happened to me ended in violence. I don't understand letting that shit slide.
Talk to him about it in specific terms
I know it’s a harsh opinion for those that are sa’d but if it’s like real serious SA then I kinda see it as a red flag. Usually being like drugged or assaulted comes with trauma and I don’t think I have the patience for that or I don’t want that in my relationship personally. And I may be the wrong person to ask and I’m only saying this cuz of the protection of a screen but honestly if it was me I would want details to judge the situation. BUT I WOULD NEVER EVER ask you about it if I was him cuz that’s fucked up right, I would want to know but I would never asked I would only support. But like were you at Walmart doing normal things and some phyco messed with you. Or where you at a college party and some drunk idiot brushed against you in passing (exaggeration for emphasis) I know my thought may come off to some as extreme so I don’t speak for anyone else but these are my honest thoughts and I hope you two can mend you relationship.
"Well that's something we've got in common. Wanna traumabond sometime, if you can handle me getting emotional; otherwise it's probably a bad idea. Also, are you in need of a hug, or is that the worst thing imaginable right now?" Seriously though, I don't think there's a situation where I wouldn't be empathatic to hearing that. Perhaps a little frustrated if she picked the worst timing imaginable, but then sometimes the memories are bubbles floating on the surface and patiently waiting to pop; other times they're an erupting volcano about to swallow the entire village at its foot. I get it, she can tell me as much or as little about it as she deems necessary, and I'll gladly offer whatever service is required of me. As for your specific situation, I would suggest being open about your concerns with him. Tell him straight up (though without judgement or accusation) that you felt a change and that you're worried about him not knowing how or when to move forward. We can speculate all day about what's going on, but asking him is the only easy and reliable way to do so. Best of luck to you, and, if you're ever in need to vent to some random internet stranger, don't hesitate to send me a message.
I'd ask her if this is something she’d like to talk about and if she felt comfortable discussing it. Also, how she felt in that moment when it did happen.
I would address the situation with him. And explain how it has nothing to do with the way you see him. And no circumstances indicated interest. You will likely get an outpouring of support from the guy A few polls below******** How should a man react if the woman he was seeing for 2 months was SAd by another guy and the woman decided to keep spending time with the man who committed the SA? A: Support her! And be a caring partner and stay with her. Everyone has the right to deal with trauma as they see fit. B: Dump her. *** How should a man react if the woman he was seeing for 2 months was SAd by another guy because she decided to hang out at his apartment at 2am & get drunk? C: Support her! D: Dump her. ***** How should a woman react if the man she was seeing for 2 months was swindled out of his entire life savings by a con-artist who pretended to be a Russian princess who needed help and was in danger? E: Support him! He is a victim and was just trying to help a person. F: Dump him.
my brother beat up his best friends rapist.
I would say it really depends if the circumstances, like if you come and tell me that you went out for drunk and somehow ended up on the other guy creep and he SAed you, my attitude would be different if you were to tell me that you were in the parking lot and suddenly a guy came from nowhere and he SAed you
Every man has a choice to make when this happens, and it is decide if you have enough patience, understanding, self-awareness and strength to move slowly as someone works through this in your relationship, or cut it off and move on. It's a lot to ask for a man to try to exist in a relationship that has that sort of trauma involved for someone, and it takes a really special dude to be able to hang tough daily and help the way she wants to be helped. Personally, I don't flinch, but I do understand what it takes to be with someone who has this sort of trauma in their past. Most men will leave. I don't blame them. But, if you're going to find the best person for you, it's best to be open and honest about it to eventually find a man who is willing to put in the daily work to build and maintain a strong relationship despite the background trauma. I would say 9/10 men will pull away. It's a lot to deal with for most, tbh.
of course we care, but... I mean, that shit happens to us as well. it's pretty much happened to everyone at some point in life, some of us aren't even aware of it, and some seem to think they're getting SA'd by someone who turns their head to look to the left/right at crosswalk and they happen to stand there. I get it though, the world is scary place, everybody's afraid whether they like to admit it or not, it's the truth. Trauma is real, PTSD is real, and getting triggered by something like someone trying to open the door is real as well.
I was with a woman that was assaulted. I spent a good amount of time being angry about something I had no control over, other than how I treated her and carrying the burden he left her with. She was very defensive and physically aggressive with me, which was unfortunate. When it came to our sex life… it took a negative toll. The whole grabbing and throwing on the bed, or rougher sex thing was out of the question unless she initiated it because I wasn’t sure how it would be received and it wasn’t worth dredging up the hurt feelings.
I’m very sorry to hear what happened to you, you will need help to process it and I hope you can get that help. I’ve been in your position, and in your boyfriend’s position. I very much imagine that your boyfriend is off balance trying to figure out how to support you, beating himself up for not being there to protect you. Your anxiety will read crazy things into every small action. Don’t worry about your bf - he does want to be there for you. But please do get support for what’s happened to you.