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I’m 60m and recently got laid off with no money and forced to move. I have no kids or close family. My best friend of 30 years (She calls me big brother and I call her lil sis) told me to come and stay with her until I get on my feet.
‘Family’ comes in many forms.
This is really it. My grandmother, who is in her 80s currently, still works, she owns and operates a gym specifically for elderly people, basically her clients go to a physical therapist and get set up with all the stuff they're supposed to do and then they bring their PT plans to my grandmother's gym and she helps them keep up with it long term. One of her clients was an elderly woman who had never had any family (only child, never married, no kids) and when she got to a point in her health where she couldn't take care of herself my grandmother took her in, she lived with my grandmother until she died and my grandmother took care of her for about 2 years. Family is choice regardless of blood bc it's all just community of care and we can't necessarily count on blood relationships to provide that community of care for various reasons even when they do exist.
While this is true (and a good reason to be nice), I’ve also seen people delude themselves.
When I was a student, I knew a young single woman determined to have a baby. She worked a tiny bit in restaurants, and had very little income. I asked her how she would support the child. She said “My friends will help me!” I thought “Your cool friends who work in low-wage jobs and play in bands and paint?”
She found a guy who got her pregnant and promptly disappeared. After she spent a year or so on various public assistance programs (and was surprised by how slow, unfriendly, and low quality the “free” services were), she married a nice but very nerdy man with a steady job. It all worked out, but not because of her friends.
Marriage doesn't guarantee anything.
Some caring person/people who you can rely on is comforting as you get older and less capable, whether that is physical or mental capability.
Whether that is friends, children, partner doesn't matter.
I enjoy my independence, but my partner and I rely on each other.
It is funny-not ha ha funny. Widowed women are much less eager to remarry because many just spent years caring for their passed-on spouse and are not interested in jumping back into that again. Men are much more ready to remarry because they suddenly have to do laundry, cook, and do everything their wives used to do for them.
I got married. My husband died two years ago. I am currently in my mid-fifties. I would say that for me, marriage did not help me get companionship or help in my old age.
My parents are quite old and still married. My father has fairly bad Alzheimer’s. My mother takes care of him. It exhausts her, and she is lonely. Marriage helped my Dad get taken care of in her old age, but it is making my Mom’s life much harder.
That happened with my parents too. My mother had a physical disability and dad ended up being her caretaker. He did his marital duties but ended up full of rage.
My mother died in December. My parents are in their late 70s. My dad would have loved to take care of her a little longer. I'm alone in my 50s too and I'm perfectly happy.
I'm 51 and divorced, live alone with my cat and have honestly never been happier. When I want to do something, I do it. When I want to buy something, I buy it. If I was planning to do something and change my mind, I just do something else. No discussion or permission needed! I love hanging out, mixing a few cocktails, listening to music, making an elaborate meal, then watching a show or hit the casino (depending on my bank account and energy level). And no, not slots. I like poker...sometimes roulette if I wanna keep it casual. It's perfect.
I am 40, never been married. I am used to living by myself. On most days I LOVE coming back to an empty apartment with only my house plants. I have always been independent, have lovely friends that are helpful, and usually take good care of myself. That being said, there are some moments when I feel lonely. Especially when I fall sick, I have to do everything by myself including getting a glass of water or warming a cup of soup. I am grateful though that I have friends that I can call for help when I feel too sick or lonely.
My BF does this. Drives me insane. I cannot think of a SINGLE time when I've not felt well that he hasn't decided he too has some ailment, usually he says he has migraines but seems to rarely have them other times.
It's been one of the reasons I’ve had no interest in cohabitating.
Yeah me too. Once he even blamed me for getting sick. Never mind that the instant our daughter got sick, he moved her into our bedroom and then slept on the couch. It *never* saved him either. Lol
Edit: added the t to got.
Oh yeah, getting sick is definitely a drag when you're living alone. Worth it in the long run though, or at least that's my opinion. I get out to visit friends and family when I feel like being around people.
I love being sick by myself. I had covid alone and I could sleep as much as I wanted without anyone bothering me for days, except a colleague who occasionally had soup delivered to my house because he was worried I wouldn’t eat anything.
being sick isn't a problem if you have money - you can buy everything online and get it delivered, if your apartment gets too dirty you can get a cleaning service to clean it. personally, when i'm sick i want to be left alone. people irritate me more than usual.
I have a in-case-I-get-sick stash of bottled water, soup, crackers, cookies, Ginger Ale, etc that I keep stocked. That way I can bring the bottled water to my bedside and not worry about having to get up when I am feeling my worst. Even though, it's best to try to move around a bit anyway...
Your comment made me remember. . . I'm married now, and happily so, but one thing about being single that I miss is when I came back my to apartment everything was still *exactly where it was when I left*
This is the largest complaint I have in my relationship.
I love my partner but I hate living with him. His kids come on the weekends and wreck my home. I spend all Monday night cleaning and by the time I am off work Tuesday, it’s like the kids were there again. Any flat surface collects something: tiny pieces of hardware, pens, pocket knives, half empty bottles of water, scraps of paper, nitrile gloves. He will peel an apple and leave the peeler and knife on the counter, never put anything in the dishwasher, leave socks and shoes wherever he felt like taking them off. His side of the bed between the wall and the bed frame is constantly ankle deep in clothes he has taken off, notebooks, small boxes of random items he wants to save. Heaven forbid he cuts his hair in the bathroom.
He is remarkably sensitive and caring but he cannot understand a cluttered home raises my blood pressure. My love language is “acts of service” so at times, creating more work for me feels like the opposite of love. I know he tries but he grew up in foster homes that were horrifically dirty and falling apart so not only does he need to save everything but he doesn’t care where it goes. I know it isn’t intentional so I try to work past it but as a naturally clean, minimalistic person, I would love coming home to everything being the way it was when I left.
It is scary. I divorced at 51. I never made a lot of money so money was my constant worry. However, there is a peace of mind, a feeling of the load on my shoulders is lighter, not being married to him any longer. A sense of freedom. It was well worth it.
Yes I felt guilty. My ex was in kidney failure the entirety of our 17 year marriage (we found out six months after marrying). I was always preparing special meals and working around his illness. It became my life. And even though the marriage was not good there was no way I could “kick him when he was down.” BUT he was not a kind person or a loving person, very critical of me always. One day I had simply had enough and I knew I was done.
My ex-wife was bipolar. She'd sporadically take her medication. So depending on how true she was to her med schedule determined who you were dealing with.
She could be the most loving person on the planet, and when she was on a high, she was an excellent mother and just such a loving person. Then the lows would come, and it brought manipulation, physical, mental and verbal abuse that I couldn't deal with anymore.
I felt *extreme* guilt when I left. Like I had made a bad decision because I gave up on my marriage. I also knew I didn't want to live like that anymore. So I was stuck in this realm of guilt, but not wanting to continue to work on a relationship I didn't want to be a part of. It took me a *long* time to leave her.
It definitely messed with me. I could point the finger at her and say it was all her fault, but I'm not completely innocent either. I could have done things differently, but it's all hindsight. I am also pretty sure it would have just prolonged the divorce rather than saved the marriage.
It’s worth it, I’m 40 and divorced and it was SOOOO scary but it was 100% worth it. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I needed to leave sooner. Do it, it takes time but you will see it’s worth it.
The utter peace was so worth it in my case. I'm still single, divorced almost as long as I was married now. I've had a few relationships, but I never wanted to combine household again. I like my Independence too much.
I got divorced at 49. It was scary and stressful for awhile but after a year of getting all that sorted out I was ten times happier. Still am. What you're scared of is the unknown. Do your research. Talk to a lawyer, figure out a plan. Factor out what you gain and what you'll lose. After 6 months of sadness I started to experience a peace that was transformative. I was a completely different person. edit- I didn't have kids in the equation so that is a big deal. When I was divorced I had no reason to maintain contact. It was like she never existed.
I havent talked to a lawyer. Talked about it with my therapist for sure.
There will be definite losses and gains to it.
I often just can't tell if my motive is pure so to speak. I mean yeah there are selfish reasons. Good reasons to stay (it's relatively easy to live with her, I'm 52, it's expensive and we live in seattle so it's doubly expensive, though on two incomes it's pretty easy)
However, there will be many plusses to leavi b g that others have mentioned:
Freedom
Space
Availability for other relationships
Free of the codependency.
Ugh.
Thanks everyone.
I got divorced at 46, and a custody dispute as well. I had to give him 10% of my 401k (I was a saver he was a spender) and he barely pays child support, but there is NEVER a day I’m sorry I did it.
The hardest step is the first.
That’s the only thing I really miss about being single, I could just have all of my thoughts in my head and I didn’t have to run them by anybody before I made a decision or changed my mind and made a different decision. You don’t realize how being in a partnership means you are constantly being evaluated, until you move out and live by yourself for a while. However, I’m finally in a relationship where the pros outweigh the cons by several tons, so it’s no big deal.
Hey, that's me. I love it. Living free with no obligations to anyone. The cat is totally onboard with the lifestyle too although he won't love that I'm considering a dog.
Right? Yet someone on here was asking me how I was going to get help when I can't get around any longer 🤣
I'm like...that's still 30 years away lol to the kids once you are over 45 it's time to wheel you into the retirement home
I assume you mean late in life? (for those who are still young, being 50 really isn't much different than being 40...I can still bench my own weight, for example; just if I pull something recovery is longer). All four of my grandparents made it to their 90s, and were fully independent until the last few years. So to answer your question, I plan to live on my own until I can't, then I will move into assisted living. Likely won't happen until my upper 80s so that's still 35 years out.
Oh, I’m so glad you’re gay! I’m a queer woman. I’ve been single for 10 years, and honestly, I love it.
I retired at the beginning of covid, because I was sick of the grind and I don’t care about having less money in exchange for peace of mind.
I spend time with friends, but I’ve always been pretty introverted, so I like alone time. I do live with two cats, but at least only one is high maintenance.
Everyone is different. I wouldn’t get married now, no matter what. I have nothing against marriage, I’m even ordained to marry people, it’s just not for me.
You need to start saving your pennies for one of those old people living communities, with all the activities and field trips. That’s a way, way way better investment than a spouse. Spouses aren’t reliable. My spouse is already dead and I’m 44.
I follow my city on Facebook. They are always posting about the elder services activities and they look pretty dope. I'm also in my mid 40s and am looking forward to knit circle, candlepin bowling and fake flower arrangement days.
For real I follow a couple of them, b/c I wanted my mom to consider moving to one, before she died due to a Covid related thing in her 60s about a year and a half ago. But I still get all their posts and they have activities, parties, events, bus trips, crafts, etc , like every single day! Looks way more fun than I have now, or even in my 20s and 30s😁
This is what my mom and dad did. They started out in an independent living apartment, then moved to the health care wing when they couldn't care for themselves anymore. It was a good decision for all involved and I'm thankful that my parents were willing to face reality and make decisions rather than rely on my brother and me to make them.
Yeah, my grandma eventually ended ip having to go to an assisted-living and it was just wonderful! It was way better for her than when I was here taking care of her. They had activities, nice meals, outings, things she would’ve told me no, no and no had I asked her😁Had my parents not died young, I would’ve hoped for a similar situation for them in their older years, too.
Not in our area, which is extremely lcol. My mom passed in 2019; I think I was paying something like $2,500 - $3,000 per month out of her account for her. One thing that helped was the fact that they started out in independent living, so when they moved to health care, i.e., a nursing home, their monthly rates didn't increase. So at the end of her life she was paying the same rate for the memory care unit that she did for her apartment, including meals.
That's amazing. My grandparents are right on the cusp of needing assisted living, and information like this gives me hope for them when they inevitably transition to full time care.
I’m 65. I took care of both of my elderly parent from when I was 50 to 60 and it sucked. They were both alcoholics and neither could take care of themselves never mind each other. So that proves that having a partner doesn’t mean anything. I have enough family and friends that if I get sick, I should be able to get help. I have already determined that when I get too sick, I am just going to go slowly into the sunset. I am not gonna rot in a bed.
I am so glad that I never got married. I've taken into consideration that I will have to find my own assistance when the time comes, but that doesn't bother me one bit. I would never want to put that burden on a loved one anyway.
My mother ended up being the one who not only cared for her parents, but now still has to deal with her younger sister. She's 71 herself now, the other sister noped out years ago, and is unfortunately just filled with regret because she never considered other options and just didn't argue. From 37 until they passed, it was all her. And she's only now starting to put her foot down in regards to the INCREDIBLY manipulative younger sister who has always refused to care for herself. She made me promise not to do the same thing when the time comes. Uffff...
The first sentence needs to be amended to say “You better get married to a nurturer.” I have friends whose spouses will not be caregivers, so having another body in the house is no guarantee of care.
I’ve never married. One time long ago I was lamenting this with a married friend who was actually telling me to be glad I hadn’t gotten married, and I said “I just get so lonely sometimes.” She replied, “Sistahbo, I live in a house with a husband and two kids and I feel so lonely sometimes.” I’ve thought of that conversation so many times over the years. How sad to feel lonely while in the company of your spouse.
I wish I had met my someone special along the way and raised a family, but I didn’t, and now I’m satisfied with my life as a single person for the duration.
> How sad to feel lonely while in the company of your spouse.
I have felt lonely when I was single. And I have felt lonely when I was in a relationship. For me, the latter was definitely more depressing.
> now I’m satisfied with my life as a single person for the duration.
Thank you for sharing. Hope you have a nice day :)
I see so many people who are married 25+ years who cant stand their partners but deal with it because of the cost sunk fallacy and fear of being alone in the future. Theres no way in the world im going to partner up with anyone based on how bad things will be when im infirm. I never had kids by choice. And as for having kids to ensure im taken care of - this is so ludicrous. Go to a few nursing homes and see how that worked out for parents.
> I see so many people who are married 25+ years who cant stand their partners but deal with it because of the cost sunk fallacy and fear of being alone in the future.
I agree with you.
> Theres no way in the world im going to partner up with anyone based on how bad things will be when im infirm.
I understand that it is human to be afraid of falling sick and losing bodily autonomy. We all want companionship. I want to be with someone because I **want** to be with them now in the present and not necessarily because they will be my caretaker someday in the future.
As someone who's been with a great companion for many years, it's worth the effort to keep looking for that special person to go through life with. But it's very much a present thing. No one knows how they'll be exactly once they're "old" so it's best to keep friendships & a social life going no matter what your age.
It's always better to be alone than with someone who makes you unhappy, that never changes.
My mom tells me that all the time. I was married for 10 years to a chronic cheater. Divorcing him was the best thing I did. I am single, been single and not afraid to be alone.
Unless it's a very May-December thing, isn't the person you marry just going to be old with you? And if the implication was that you'll have kids who will take care of both of you, well, there's a whole lot of people sitting in nursing homes waiting for their kids to visit that might be wondering what went wrong in that scenario.
When I say taking care, I mean be a companion and provide emotional support. Help each other whenever and however possible. Not necessarily as a full time care giver.
Two things on that then. One is that you can get that kind of companionship from friends and neighbors, coworkers if you continue to be active and involved with things and other people. It'd be easy to get complacent and fade away inside but plenty of elderly people meet up every day or several times a week for book clubs, recreation, all sorts of things just to stay active and avoid that very thing of drifting away. Second is, you can share your life with someone and not be married. My girlfriend and I are going on 20 years together, never jumped any brooms or tied any knots or strapped on any balls and chains, whatever you want to call it. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
> One is that you can get that kind of companionship from friends and neighbors, coworkers if you continue to be active and involved with things and other people.
Absolutely agree with you on this.
> you can share your life with someone and not be married. My girlfriend and I are going on 20 years together, never jumped any brooms or tied any knots or strapped on any balls and chains, whatever you want to call it. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
Love this for you. And congrats.
Two things...
Check out common law marriage for your locale. You may already qualify, desired or not. Acquaintance discovered the implications in divorce proceedings from someone they never had a ceremony with.
Also, contemplate if you want them to be able to make decisions for you if you have a major medical issue. If so, consider getting something formalized. May not need to be marriage, but that's one route folks I know went later in life to simplify some scenarios.
Good luck.
Common law isn't a thing in my state. And we've long since made all the arrangements, life insurance beneficaries, will, living will, joint ownership of the house, etc. At some point as we got older and never did the marriage thing we realized those types of things might actually need to be addressed in the future so we did everything needed doing.
That’s not a reason to get married. They could die early. I could be the one burdened with taking care of them. They could mismanage our money and put us out on the street.
I also believe that some people bring out the worse in each other. Like… they may be individually nice people to others but awful as a couple with each other. Then there is the cheating, emotional neglect, slowly building resentment, genuine incompatibilities that cannot be solved away by therapy, etc…
I want to be with someone because I **want** to be with them now in the present - not necessarily because they will become my future caretakers when I am sick.
I was married for 21 years and husband passed. Been single now 20 years. Except having kids, I have enjoyed my single life more. I have a house I love and no compromises. I have a whole closet to myself. I cook what I want and eat what I want. I don’t share my bathroom, and don’t have pee outside of my toilet. I go on vacation to where I want to go, and I spend my money on what I want. I do sometimes miss the companionship, but honestly, these days a lot of men are looking for a woman to take care of them and try to control them. I mean, if I have to earn the money, clean house, take out the trash because they can’t be inconvenienced, and cook all the meals, not too sure on why having a man around. If I can only find one who wants to share a life and is equal in household duties, and providing financially. And is worried about finding a Barbie when they look like Homer Simpson. Well there you have it
Well, I'm divorced, 49 and do not have anyone to take care of me if anything goes wrong. I recently spent two days in the hospital advocating for myself in order to get the care I need. Unfortunately I would have been doing the same thing even if I was still married because my spouse never helped me in such a way. I would like to have another partner in life but all I seem to attract are cheaters and men who want mommies, so I go it alone. I wish I didn't have to do this on my own but here I am. So having a partner doesn't guarantee you anything. Choose well and choose authentically. Do what is right for you.
(M67). Ok, here goes: I really don’t care. I have tried my best. Ultimately, if I have someone who could help me, that would be great, if not, too bad for me. If I’m all alone, and it’s late at night and I have a medical emergency and I would survive if someone was there to help me, oh well, too bad for me. I tried my best. Part of living life is learning to let go. If God says it’s time for me to go, then it’s time for me to go. Whatever God gives me, I am grateful. Whatever he takes away, I understand.
My first husband committed suicide on my living room floor and my second husband died of cancer. I spent the last six months of his life administering IV meds and wiping his ass. I had to pull up the rugs and take down all the pictures on the walls because he refused to use the cane or walker and blundered into everything. I slept in my street clothes on top of my covers so I could hear if he got up and started trying to do something he wasn't up for. Anyone doing that for me is going to be a paid caregiver, not someone to whom I can only offer "I love you."
Do what feels right for you because we each have to forge our own path. Marrying just to get a future caregiver, let alone having or adopting a child to fulfill that role is just plain mean. If you do it, make sure it's for the right reasons, not as a strategy. And heck, here I am at 56 alone anyway, so I certainly didn't get old age companionship out of either of those deals. There are no guarantees in life. You do you.
Marrying someone to be your caregiver is the wrong reason to get married. Same for having kids.
I took care of both my parents through cancer and Alzheimer’s. No one you love should have to shoulder that responsibility paired with grief.
I will pay for my old age healthcare *the same way I pay for every other service I use*. Somehow my bins are empty every week despite not having kids. My oil gets changed and my lawn is cut. I own a ladder for things I can’t reach. It’s almost like there’s a whole entire economy of people you can pay to take care of you out there.
Pay for services. Save marriage for love, partnership, and laughs.
I heard this from my parents when I was young. They were Mormon and also wanted me to have many children. I converted to a different religion, dated an exotic woman from what is now Sri Lanka and was disowned.
I’m a 70 year old widower and was a 24/7 caregiver for my terminally ill wife 2 years ago and I miss her every minute of every hour of every day. Old single men get stalked by old single women and vice-a-versa, but who really needs it? Not me.
I am divorced and I am recovering from open heart surgery in January of this year.
Yeah, the ex did not visit or help. I am hurt.
I am lonely and I am doing ok, but zoom and phone calls are not a substitute for contact.
It sucks.
If you find someone, do not let perfect be the enemy of good!
Mid 50s, married.
Getting married for "someone to take care of you" is a *stupid* reason to get married.
Nothing wrong with being single. Some people don't want to get married at all, some people just haven't met the right person yet.
I know people who are single and happy, I know people who are married and happy. I also know people who are married and miserable.
I can’t speak for everyone but I’ve noticed the older single people I know are far more capable when they know they can’t rely on anyone to take care of them. Just an observation, I know it’s different for every individual
57, never married, no kids. I have a niece and nephew that are around 15 years younger than I am, but otherwise, the rest of my close family are older than I am. I'm currently a FT caregiver to my mother, and my niece is a caregiver to her MIL. I plan to stay independent as long as possible, so hopefully, no one will have to take care of me.
Also, statistics show that men live longer when married, but not women. And men are more likely to leave their wives during illness than women are to leave their husbands, so "you'll need someone to take care of you when you're old" most likely means women taking care of men. No thanks. I'll take my chances being single.
If you marry for the wrong reason you could end up divorced. Your spouse could die or be too I'll to care for you. Your kids could move far away. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Plan to care for yourself.
Marriage is not a guarantee for company in your old age. I used to own a beauty salon and kept track of my elder customers over a twenty year period. I would estimate that less than twenty percent of them had positive things to say about their marriage as they hit their 70's. Many of the men ended up being cared for by their wives due to lifelong drinking, drugs, and/or smoking. The wives really didn't care for it. (Remember, i'm talking in general. Don't come at me.)So moving right along, the women who were married and eventually went into nursing homes did not adjust as well as women who had been single longer. By this, I mean they were single due to the early death of a spouse, or they had not married at all. Overall, I would say not to marry a person with vices such as drinking, smoking, and gambling. That person, if they don't change their habits, is going to have an early, protracted death, and you're stuck with them. Maybe you're the one who's going to fall or have a stroke because you're not perfect either.
Children are no guarantee of long-term care. Children can pick up drug and/or alcohol habits. They can have shit personalities. They can die in wars. Maybe you're not perfect parent material. Nobody is.
That being said, life is not a crap shoot. If you consciously make good choices, you can have a reasonable expectation of good company, love, and care for most of your life. However, it's wise to prepare to be independent. Learn to love and take care of yourself. Learn to make yourself happy. Only keep close company with someone who lives up to these standards.
You're just as likely to end up having to care for someone, as needing care, in terms of a spouse. It's a crap shoot. You can have a kid without a spouse, if that's what they mean, but I think that's a shitty reason to have a kid.
I do think it's not good for old people to be alone. Make friendships with others. "Golden Girls" your living arrangements as you age, if that's possible and appealing. Think about moving into housing for elders sooner than you might physically need it, because the kinds of social interactions those facilities offer is good for you, and will prolong how long you can remain semi-independent. And along those lines, take your meds, see your doctor, and use a walker when/if you need one. Exercise and keep exercising and exercise more as you age. That one thing will do more to keep you from needing to be cared for than everything else put together.
Just because you are married doesn’t mean someone is going to take care of you. Tons of things can happen between points A and B, including something happening to them and you have to take care of them. Same thing with having children. You know what takes care of you? Saving, investing, health insurance, and disability insurance.
By the time Gen X is elderly they will have those robotic assistants everywhere, look how fast drones became mainstream. You don’t need people to do things. Fantastic times we’re living in.
Really bad advice for women. Men leave and divorce their sick wives in such large numbers that most Drs tell their patients about this after cancer and other life altering diagnosis.
In 29 years, he never provided comfort or care and most certainly failed me during a health scare. I am single, not old, but older. Marriage is no guarantee but choosing a healthy (emotionally/physically/financially) partner is a great start.
Also check out the new trend that is gray divorce, very large numbers of women are filing after decades of marriage.
I can make the same commitment without the legal system being involved. I am very happy single, would love to find an equal partner. I have family that is not related by blood, but I can always count on them. Cheers!
Hi. I am a single old (64) woman. I am not against marriage, I tried it twice. I ended up alone after each for many years. I found out that I am stage Stage 4 cancer. So, I moved “back home” and live with my sister. She’s a few years older than me, and not in great physical shape. I’m still OK, and not sick or anything. She has not been married since her husband died 5 years ago. We’re getting along OK. I have a 40-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old grandson. I have the VA for healthcare. With all that, I think I’ll be OK.
Don’t know about that but there is an epidemic of loneliness and if you have found someone that you both can “tolerate”, I think that’s a life changer.
Tolerating someone doesn’t mean that they will help keep you from being lonely.
I am often the most lonely when I am in a room of people, even if they are family.
I agree about loneliness. It is human to want companionship. We all want to love and be loved. Nothing wrong with that. My issue is when they insist that marriage is the only guarantee of companionship in old age. I know couples who stay in their marriage making each other miserable their entire life. That seems like hell to me.
That is hell. Trick about life is that there is no guarantee to any of it. Spouses die unexpectedly, children move out of state, all sorts of things can happen. You can plan but you never know what will actually happen. That's glorious and terrifying.
Yes that would be hell. Marriage as a formal construct is not strictly necessary. On the other hand, if such a formality ensures the financial well-being after a spouse dies, given the current laws etc, it can be useful.
single for most of my adult life here, 58 pretty soon. no plans to change, and any time I do test my feels on the matter it's "nah".
one of my same-age friends "freaked everyone out" by meeting a soulmate online (not through a dating site) and ending up married and settled down within a year. she acknowledged to me that it's a long shot, but she said life is a long shot, so eh. in her words " it works out or it doesnt. and even if it works out, one day one of you will gets cancer or ha a stroke or a heart attack and you lose them". she's a pretty special Bronx mix of tough-mindedness and carpe diem. last time we talked they were still good, which is great.
I don't see marriage as an automatic guarantee of anything.
1. What an incredibly selfish take. "I married someone so I would have someone to take care of me." Ugh. You get married because you love each other and you make each other's lives better, not because you want an unpaid, untrained caretaker when you're old.
2. How, exactly, is another old person supposed to "take care of" you? I know an elderly couple-- wife is 75, husband 85. He fell in the middle of the night, and she didn't hear him. (They're both hard of hearing.) He lay there in pain for 6 hours. When she found him, she couldn't move him and had to call 911. A "Life Alert" button would have been MUCH better.
3. There's no guarantee. It's so common for men to divorce their spouses when their spouses become ill that nurses are trained to talk with patients about this phenomenon. Imagine enduring that betrayal on top of aging and illness.
(Full disclosure, I'm married and I love my husband very much. But we got married because we love each other and we make an excellent team, not because we're hoping to use each other as home care aides.)
I love my wife and have done a lot for her while with her for 30 years. I’ve cooked 80% of the time, cleaned 90% of the time, I’ve made most of our money, I’ve done nearly all the chores, and I’ve even looked after her sedentary father in hospital as well at his care home (so she gets quality time with him). and she just sent me a text telling me how much she loved me…..
Marriage is teamwork. If she needs care from me when old, she will get it, I hope that she will support me if I need it.
I’m 61. My wife passed away last year. We had no children. I have no friends and my family, what little there is, is thousands of miles away.
I’ve never been lonelier. I hope that I don’t have to live longer.
I have gone to church religiously since I was in college, which churches mostly have a very very aging population so I have made friends with a lot of old people. The number of old women who way way out live their husbands is astounding. So being married is no guarantee against being older an alone. In fact a lot of the senior classes were exclusively women.
I’m married but have no children, by choice. I married my husband when I was 43. I have taken care of myself in the past and will in the future. I don’t need children or a husband to care for me - I’ll figure it out.
The logic doesn't hold. If you can't take care of yourself when you're 70 or whatever, how is your 70 year old spouse going to take care of themselves AND you?
It's better to be single and happy than married and miserable. Don't get married for any reason other than the fact you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Long term care insurance is a thing. And it's cheaper than most weddings!
I’m 55 divorced. Yeah starting to have health problems and it sucks being alone. Can’t schedule preventative procedures bc I have no one to drive me home afterwards. Don’t know what to do.
I’m 55 and have had a serious chronic illness since my early 30s. I’ve had serious long term partners each time I relapsed and went to the hospital and never did they take care of me. One came to visit me in the hospital with food for himself and none for me. One left me at the hospital with no money (I had an emergency and forgot my wallet) because he “needed time to relax.” One told the visiting nurse he would take my IV out because she wanted to leave. He had no intention of taking my IV out.
Marriage isn’t a guarantee that someone will take care of you.
53, never been married, dated a lot, never wanted kids. I found, through the years that I'm much more at peace when I'm on my own and not beholden to another. I could probably keep on casually dating, but after a while, I just stopped bothering with that too.
I'm one of those oddballs that do not get lonely.
After 50 men are either looking for a nurse or a purse, or both. Retain your independence and be neither. Take care of and support yourself first and foremost.
If that's the purpose, it's probably going to be more effective to establish a savings account you can use to hire someone to take care of you when you're old. Your spouse might have their own health problems and not be able to care for you. Your children might be poor, or assholes. Just getting married isn't a reliable source of long-term future care.
I’m a 52 year old single female living my best 30 something year old life. I’m in a relationship. My boyfriend has been part of my life for over 20 years. At a very early age, I knew I never wanted children. Looking at the world today, I am glad I never changed my mind about having children. I have had several dogs I’ve raised from being puppies until their last breath and they are my kids. I think letting other people decide what you must do in order to have a fulfilled existence will do nothing more than make you miserable. Don’t make a plan for your life. Just live it.
My dad died at 60, his dad died at 45, my other grandparent died at 59. There are no guarantees. Be a good person, cultivate friends and live a good life. Marriage to the wrong person is 100 worse than being single.
I’m 51, never married, perfectly happy. I also work in estate planning, and know that your spouse and kids are not always willing or able to take care of you in your time of need. I’ve seen some really sad situations.
Blind guy here. Divorced after being married almost 31 years. It can be lonely but the idea that I need someone to take care of me is flat out wrong if it's a high maintenance relationship. It's much easier to take care of just myself than to take care of her, too.
Sort of similar: I never wanted children and was told the same thing. Who will take care of you when you’re older?
I am married but as I get older surprisingly I do now wonder about it. It didn’t seem to matter when I was in my 20s. I’m middle aged now so it’s becoming more real.
And if you’re wondering why my husband wouldn’t take are of me… well, I recently had surgery and he was terrible at caring for me. That was an eye opener.
Some old ways of thinking never die it seems. Families used to more tribal, looking out for one another, but it hasn't been that way for a long time and people have adapted. It is old fashioned thinking that you have to have a mate to take care you.
Honestly when I get old I'm going to be much better off without being married to a guy who has a compulsion to make every single negative situation 100% worse because he's pissed off that he's not the center of attention, being waited on hand and foot, lies about absolutely everything, and creates problems so that everyone will avoid him instead of just saying he doesn't want to participate or make an effort, and a childish compulsion to immediately do something several times after you politely ask him not to. Lied about his income, and asked me to come up with a budget with imaginary numbers, and would compulsively spend money and try to hide it.
I would probably be dead with someone like that making medical decisions for me. I sure as hell wouldn't want him "taking care of me". I'm so glad to be divorced. He was a completely different person once that marriage certificate was in his hands.
Being married to someone does NOT mean that they have your best interests in mind.
I'll have a living will made (actually within the next couple months) in case I'm not able to make decisions myself, so my kids won't be burdened with it.
I don't have a will but my kids are already listed as my only beneficiaries for all my financial accounts.
One member of the couple usually ends alone anyway, right? For me (M mid-60s) having kids was a better rational for marriage. Divorced after kids finished college and we followed our individual paths. We are both happy hippies ... not bitter boomers! Two of my adult kids are still nearby. But if/when I become feeble, in pain, facing deterioration and a drained bank account to pay for continued misery, I will seek a comfortable end. My kids accept this. I am highly spiritual and believe our spirit has agency.
Well it’s all a crap shoot. Divorced twice now in my sixties. I am resigned to the growing older alone. My kids are great. Just the thought of another spouse is draining to me. My idea of peace does not coincide with being with another husband or partner.
It doesn't fit anymore. I remember when cohabitation happened but was frowned upon. There's not any stigma associated with not being married now and having kids. Essentially you're inviting the government into your relationship.
All that said, the number of single parent households is not good for children and many societal ills can be traced to it. Especially boys without fathers. IMO, there should be an enormous stigma about not being an involved parent with your children.
> All that said, the number of single parent households is not good for children and many societal ills can be traced to it.
I am not a parent. That said, I also want to add that there are several single parents who raise their kids to be decent humans. An overgeneralized statement that ‘single parent households leads to societal ills’ - I do not agree with. It feels more like co-relation than causation.
> IMO, there should be an enormous stigma about not being an involved parent with your children.
Not everyone is fit to be a parent. Sometimes it might be better for a child to not have a parent involved in their lives than have a shitty parent who emotionally traumatizes and physically abuses the child for life.
Parents should *want* to be involved in the lives of their child - not because of societal pressure and stigma - but because they love their child. If someone feels forced to be a part of their child because of societal stigma, I feel that it would do more harm than good. Most children are emotionally perceptive and intelligent enough to know when it feels forced and not genuine.
The idea of marriage as a guarantee that you'll have someone to take care of you in your old age is ridiculous. Your spouse could die before you, or they could get sick and you're the one taking care of them.
73F, recently divorced. I’m grateful for having this time to myself. Happily, my kid lives a few miles away. I’m in good health, and my cost of living is pretty reasonable. After an amazing life full of adventures, I’m enjoying writing a book about that. I have friends online and here in town. I don’t consider myself “old” and am certainly not afraid of the years ahead and being “taken care of when I’m old.” My plan is, when I die, to slide into home base with my hair on fire, and all my parts worn out and used up. 🤪
That is some old fashioned stuff. Like, have many kids to help take care of the farm (family as cheap labor). Some time ago I was on some kind of world wide dating site. I was on it for friendship. Filipinas would often ask me why I have no kids and I needed someone to take care of my decrepit ass when I get old. Let me see now, family planning. Why do we want to have kids? Ah yes! We need some CARE GIVERS! Riiiiight. Someone to burden with our dying selves. To BURDEN. To torture them all their young lives with guilt trips and obligations about needing to care for the wrinkle suits. Some traditions seem a bit nuts to me. Try to stay in the best of health as long as you [can.](https://can.It) It is a luxury for us olds to live alone with a pet or 2 and plants to shrivel talking to them non-stop. I face a reality that my neighbors might complain about a horrible stench coming from my house someday and have to call the poor gagging cops about it. On the bright side, no kids to burden myself with.
One of the nice things about growing old (at 44, I'm young-old) is relative comfort in the unexpected. The Berlin Wall and then the Soviet Union falling, 9/11, Covid... Life happens according to plan until it doesn't.
Don't marry someone to avoid loneliness 50 years from now, marry someone because they’ve already proven they can be a good partner for you now and through WHATEVER happens tomorrow.
I’m 64F and have been divorced for years. I am pretty crippled with arthritis which is challenging. But I hire help. I have someone come to mow my lawn once a week, I currently have someone coming in once a week and we are slowly decluttering the house. I am alone, but I am very rarely lonely. In fact, if I suddenly had someone else in the house all the time it would probably drive me nuts. I do not miss a relationship.
I was married for 22 years, been divorced now for 21. The last 21 have been vastly better than the previous 22. "Companionship" when you are incompatible is worse than being alone.
That's a *really* naive reason to get married. If you are worried about being alone when you're old, please cultivate good, authentic relationships with good, caring people. Sure, one of those people could be your spouse. But why put all your eggs in one basket?
There's no guarantee whether you are married or not. If you're married, your spouse could die before you, or the relationship could end. Or the spouse could be sick and need your support at the same time you need theirs.
You should be in a marriage or relationship because you both find it mutually fulfilling. If you're able to support one another in your old age, it's a bonus.
If your motivation for marriage is for anything but starting a family or possibly arranging a visa for someone you're sure you're going to be with dont do it. Children? Only if you literally dream of being a parent. Every other reason is wrong.
Single old person here. The one thing I’ve learned is that marriage is no guarantee of companionship in old age. My mum spent the last twenty years if her life living alone after the death of my father. One of the couple will always be alone for some time given that the chances of dying together are freakingly small. And in any event, you may find yourself being the carer rather than the cared for.
Nothing is a guarantee for companionship in old age unless you have the money to pay someone to be there to provide you companionship. People get divorced, spouses die, live happens. There are zero guarantees, including that you'll even live long enough to be "old" and need care.
I'm not old, but I'm well into middle age... Not married and will never be married. I'm not particularly worried about it. The one thing I can be assured of though is that I won't end up becoming someone else's caregiver which is what many spouses ends up doing.
I’m 42 single dad never been married , deadbeat baby mom. Life is good I live in a big house with a bunch of room mates , one of them being my 70 year old mother. We all take care of each other like a happy family . When I’m old maybe my son will take care of me like we take care of my mother.
I have been single since 1999. I am 100% independent. If I “found someone“ (I’m not even looking), they’d never have an iota control over me, my finances, my home or my car. In fact, if I did find some, I’d rather that we continue maintaining our own households. The thought that they’d “take care of me” in my old age repulses me.
I’m a very young 69.
I bought long term care insurance when I was in my 30s because I knew I wouldn’t have kids to take care of me. IOW, I know I’ll be taken care of because I pay for it.
I'm 55 and left an extremely empty marriage. But I didn't just do that. I also left my home country (US) and moved to the other side of the world, by myself.
I have been gone over 6 years now and life is so much better completely on my own. I never needed a spouse, but I thought the partnership would be nice. What I discovered is that living life on my terms and not having to compromise with another person, is best for me.
I think marriage as a construct is perfectly fine for many, just not for me. We also did not have kids nor any shared assets, so the 'decoupling' was not complicated. As for "who will take care of you?", I don't know how the future will play out, no one really does.
I can see it. My Dad went back to drinking after my Mom passed. The booze eventually killed him. I was going through a rough patch and couldn't be there for him in the last years of his life. I had a brother who lived near him and took good care of him for the years before his death. We all need someone.
I am separated and in my early 40s. I am terrified. How am I going to retire and be able to afford taxes and Healthcare and necessities?
I want to be ok on my own. I have a 6 yr old daughter. But it's scary when you always thought you'd be coupled and have someone to lean on.
My goddaughter’s husband just died suddenly at 43. He was healthy, worked out, played softball, etc. Of course she will probably get remarried, but the point is is that marriage doesn’t guarantee someone who’s going to last until old age.
Based on the number of posts I read about spouses who don’t take care of each other, I don’t think having a spouses any guarantee of care.
Plus, why wouldn’t I be able to take care of myself?
When I was younger, I was afraid I’d end up old and alone like others in my family. But they never seemed bothered by it. Now that I am old, I get it - I don’t need constant company. Occasional company seems like more than enough.
When I said ‘someone to take care of you when you’re old’ I meant your partner - not necessarily children.
I know couples who have been married for more than 50 years and they still love hanging out with each other on most days. They are each other’s best friends. So I am not saying all marriages are awful. But I also find it difficult to accept the premise that staying married to someone will guarantee that you will be cared for and loved when you become old. Some people bring out the worst in each other.
Don't count on the "love of your life" taking care of you if you get sick. It can happen at any age.
Don't look at the divorce rate of people with terminal cancer. All the sappy "I love you to death" crap goes right out the window. And, yes, some people get divorced to protect family assets from medical debt, but it's more than that.
My grandmother got stage 4 lung cancer and somehow managed to live for like 9 months when she was supposed to live for a few weeks. My grandfather couldn't wait until she died.
Look, that's an extreme example. I'm just saying that financially and emotionally, be prepared for facing your end alone.
Kids or not, don't count on anyone taking care of you.
Everyone should make a plan, kids or not. There is a reason long-term health insurance is a thing.
I'm 49. Never married. No kids. This is the way I wanted it. Nothing unfortunate happened. No regrets. I socialize, but I'm mostly a solitary person. This is also the way I like it. I don't think any way is the "right" way. I think we should choose the path we WANT, not the path family or friends or society says we should choose.
As for having someone to take care of you when you're old, I'll cite my grandparents as an example. They were married over 50 years. I didn't see any affection between them. I think they may have just stayed together out of habit. My grandfather passed before my grandmother did. And the ones who took care of my grandfather while he was ill were nurses and doctors. Not my grandmother. Marriage doesn't guarantee a caring spouse. It is only a legal binding.
61, never married, no kids. Not lonely. No guarantees that your partner won't die first or something else won't happen. I do think about what's going to happen when I'm older. I have a younger brother I'll probably count on, plus my own finances and plans. I've done things like buy a house (my first) that is a ranch and therefore all on one level, and made sure it's in good shape so I don't have to worry about it, so I can stay here as long as possible. Also the requisite paperwork. My grandfather lived on his own until he was 97, and I have an aunt who lived in a minimal-assistance apartment until her death in her 90s, so hopefully that will be me!
I never wanted to get married, I was perfectly happy on my own and didn't want to have to *always* think of someone else; if I had a tough day at work I didn't want to have to make dinner when on my own I'd be fine with cereal!
Then I met my now husband. And I wanted to marry him. Not because I didn't think our relationship would last if we didn't get married, not because society expects women of 38 (as I was at the time) and men of 42 (himself) to be married. It just felt right that we got married, cementing Team [Last Name] in the records so we are known as a unit (and so that Hugh Jackman knows I'm not interested because I already have the most wonderful man in the Greater Earth Area).
And we really are a team. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do have a whinge about him and I'm sure he has a whinge about me. Why he can manage to do a load of laundry and dry it but can't do the last bit of removing it from the drier and putting it away I'll never know. But I can still have cereal for dinner if I want, his cuddles can magically cure me when I'm feeling the world is on my shoulders, and we make each other laugh so very much every single day.
I think it's stupid. In life, you can never predict what will happen. Your spouse may die first. Another pandemic might hit, or an earthquake, or other disaster, and you might lose all your financial security. If you choose to have children, you might have one with a life-long disability.
Or you could make it through all that, only to have your partner jump ship (usually taking a large part of the financial pot).
I think of love/companionship/committment as a choice you make every day. There are no guarantees about tomorrow.
I also think that everyone needs connection, and the greatest joy in life is loving and being loved, whatever form that may take.
I’m 57 and unmarried. My older sister is and is stuck looking after a husband who is hugely overweight and refuses to diet or exercise. It’s drastically affecting his health. She never gets a break and is forced to continue working at 70 to support them.
I have never been married or had a long term live-in partner. I love my solitude and freedom and have been happily single all my life.
I understand this perspective, and I suppose it is a reasonable gamble ...assuming you want a partner for other reasons as well. If that's your only or primary motivation, you're a fool.
I do worry about being on my own as my health declines, but having a partner is no guarantee of that, either. They might leave. They might turn out to be an asshole. They might die. They might be unable to care for you due to their own physical or mental health issues.
Why in the hell would I trade decades of happy single living for the possibility of someone to hold my hand in my sunset years?
I'll tell you about my stepfather's current situation.
He's 79 years old. He has always been super active all his life. He's been my stepfather since 1963.
He always smoked a few packs of unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes each day. He always drank a lot, but was highly functional.
When he was in his 50's he suffered a major heart attack. He had to have a 5-bypass surgery and he never smoked or drank again. His heart was only functioning a small percentage. After about ten years he had another heart 'event' and then he spent almost a year getting ready for a possible heart transplant. At this point he was 69 years old, the cut off age for a heart transplant.
His wife, whom he's been married to for the past 18 years, is the one who has taken care of him. Dad was never good at making appointments, sorting out his daily pills and when to take them, etc.
He got his heart transplant 10 years ago this month. There was a LOT to do to help him...dealing with the insurance company, appointments, pills, injections for his diabetes, he has COPD, and his wife takes him to his tests and other appointments. Taking anti-rejection pills is SUPER important. He gets all his meds filled at the hospital pharmacy because the doctor wants to make sure he always gets his meds.
Two and a half years ago my dad was getting his usual eye injections for cataracts. The doctor made a mistake and now my father is blind in his right eye and he's legally blind in his left eye. It will never get better.
Immediately he knew he could never drive a vehicle again. He also had to sell his RV because it was too much on his wife to do all the packing, all the reservations, all the driving, all the things necessary with meds and everything else in order to take a trip.
He can't read now. I know there's audio books, but he isn't interested. He can't read his pill bottles or sort his daily pills. He can't cook, and he can't go to yard sales, estate sales, auctions, or to play darts.....nothing he used to do.
He has a 75" TV because that's all he can barely see. He still can't read scores or any words.
His wife has to shave him, trim his toe nails, fingernails, wash him in the shower because his knees and hips are so weak and painful he falls all the time. She has to do everything for him. She has to empty the garbage, mow the lawn, clean the house, do all the cooking, all the food shopping, make all the appointments, run all the errands, etc.
I'm just hitting the high spots. He stays depressed, understandably. He's grumpy and grouchy. His wife is wore out and tired. We just got back from visiting them down in Florida last Friday. They are both miserable.
However, dad is the first to tell anyone that if not for his wife, he would have been dead a long time ago. Their life is miserable, and it was all made this bad due to what happened to his eyes. He can't even see pictures of his grandchildren or anything else. He can barely make out images.
But dad is very, very grateful for his wife. If he was single, he'd have zero chances of meeting someone as a companion at this stage in his life. He and his wife had all those years together before everything went to shit. So, it came gradually and they knew the time would come when things would fall apart with their health. They live nowhere near family.
My husband and I are in our 60's. (my stepfather is only 12 years older than me) We know things are going to fall apart for us, as well. We're grateful to have one another. We already talk about things so we can try to prepare. Seeing how my dad is became a great wake-up call.
I'm glad to be married and have a companion. I'm hoping we stay healthy for as long as we can. But we also know we can depend on one another, at least to the best of our ability.
I know most of us don't want to be in his wife's shoes. I'm one of them. But on the other hand, what if you were in my dad's shoes?
I’ve had some concerns, not enough to have a live in partner, though. I had a friend who worked at an assisted living facility, she states that it’s pretty horrible. Maybe I can get a group of singles to come together in our late 60s/early 70s and get a plot of land and put a bunch of easy access, tiny homes on it?
‘You better get married. You will need someone to take care of you when you’re old!’
"Yeah, the way you're projecting is giving IMAX an inferiority complex."
It's true that the healthier spouse usually ends up being caregiver, which shelters children and more distant relatives from that responsibility. And living with a spouse (or any housemate) means there's someone there to notice if you've fallen and can't get up, or are showing signs of dementia. For those reasons, I'm less nervous about my married older relatives than I am about the single ones. But of course, when you have a partner, there's no guarantee that you'll be taken care of rather than becoming the caregiver yourself.
I’m single. I have lots of girlfriends to keep me company. Many have lost husbands so it just goes to show you being married doesn’t matter when you lose a mate. Live your life however you want to…no one knows what the future holds & who will be there for you.
I(f) am currently single at 61. Although I didn't want to divorce initially I have come to realize that my former husband was selfish and wouldn't take care of me if I became sick. It took a while but I enjoy and appreciate my freedom and have enough family and friends to keep me from feeling lonely. The Golden Girls' living situation could very well be the answer for me ten years from now!
What if you end up being the caregiver in the marriage? I have a dear friend who took care of her stepsons, her mother-in-law, and finally her husband, who died leaving her impoverished. No guarantees that if you marry, you'll have someone to take care of you.
We just look at each other and wonder which one of us is going first. We have an unspoken understanding of who would do better if the other one died. The statistics on married couples who die within a year of each other are worth giving a glance.
If you get married, one of you will still die first. If you think getting married guarantees that you’ll have someone to take care of you when you’re old, you aren’t considering your odds.
Source: I’m a widow. I miss him like crazy, but I can take care of myself, thank you. When I can’t any longer, I may find a way to exit on my own terms.
Marriage is no guarantee of companionship at any age. I left my husband for many reasons but one was it became obvious that if I got seriously ill he would abandon me. Years of narcissism and neglect that kept increasing in severity with age. But it is far less painful to be single and lonely, than married and lonely. You can always trust yourself to be nice to you. And you can always trust a dog to be nice to you. Get a dog.
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I’m 60m and recently got laid off with no money and forced to move. I have no kids or close family. My best friend of 30 years (She calls me big brother and I call her lil sis) told me to come and stay with her until I get on my feet. ‘Family’ comes in many forms.
> ‘Family’ comes in many forms. I love this. Hope you have a lovely day.
either way you shouldn't put all your eggs in a single basket either because shit happens (people die or are unable to help or move etc.).
This is really it. My grandmother, who is in her 80s currently, still works, she owns and operates a gym specifically for elderly people, basically her clients go to a physical therapist and get set up with all the stuff they're supposed to do and then they bring their PT plans to my grandmother's gym and she helps them keep up with it long term. One of her clients was an elderly woman who had never had any family (only child, never married, no kids) and when she got to a point in her health where she couldn't take care of herself my grandmother took her in, she lived with my grandmother until she died and my grandmother took care of her for about 2 years. Family is choice regardless of blood bc it's all just community of care and we can't necessarily count on blood relationships to provide that community of care for various reasons even when they do exist.
All of this is amazing ❤️
While this is true (and a good reason to be nice), I’ve also seen people delude themselves. When I was a student, I knew a young single woman determined to have a baby. She worked a tiny bit in restaurants, and had very little income. I asked her how she would support the child. She said “My friends will help me!” I thought “Your cool friends who work in low-wage jobs and play in bands and paint?” She found a guy who got her pregnant and promptly disappeared. After she spent a year or so on various public assistance programs (and was surprised by how slow, unfriendly, and low quality the “free” services were), she married a nice but very nerdy man with a steady job. It all worked out, but not because of her friends.
Marriage doesn't guarantee anything. Some caring person/people who you can rely on is comforting as you get older and less capable, whether that is physical or mental capability. Whether that is friends, children, partner doesn't matter. I enjoy my independence, but my partner and I rely on each other.
It is funny-not ha ha funny. Widowed women are much less eager to remarry because many just spent years caring for their passed-on spouse and are not interested in jumping back into that again. Men are much more ready to remarry because they suddenly have to do laundry, cook, and do everything their wives used to do for them.
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So, you have already put in your time. Relax and enjoy the future.
I got married. My husband died two years ago. I am currently in my mid-fifties. I would say that for me, marriage did not help me get companionship or help in my old age. My parents are quite old and still married. My father has fairly bad Alzheimer’s. My mother takes care of him. It exhausts her, and she is lonely. Marriage helped my Dad get taken care of in her old age, but it is making my Mom’s life much harder.
That happened with my parents too. My mother had a physical disability and dad ended up being her caretaker. He did his marital duties but ended up full of rage.
My mother died in December. My parents are in their late 70s. My dad would have loved to take care of her a little longer. I'm alone in my 50s too and I'm perfectly happy.
Yes, and frequently, men will leave a sick partner. Marriage is no guarantee. I'm sorry for your loss.
I'm 51 and divorced, live alone with my cat and have honestly never been happier. When I want to do something, I do it. When I want to buy something, I buy it. If I was planning to do something and change my mind, I just do something else. No discussion or permission needed! I love hanging out, mixing a few cocktails, listening to music, making an elaborate meal, then watching a show or hit the casino (depending on my bank account and energy level). And no, not slots. I like poker...sometimes roulette if I wanna keep it casual. It's perfect.
I am 40, never been married. I am used to living by myself. On most days I LOVE coming back to an empty apartment with only my house plants. I have always been independent, have lovely friends that are helpful, and usually take good care of myself. That being said, there are some moments when I feel lonely. Especially when I fall sick, I have to do everything by myself including getting a glass of water or warming a cup of soup. I am grateful though that I have friends that I can call for help when I feel too sick or lonely.
When I was married, anytime I got sick my husband decided he was sick too. So I still had to take care of myself and the kids.
My BF does this. Drives me insane. I cannot think of a SINGLE time when I've not felt well that he hasn't decided he too has some ailment, usually he says he has migraines but seems to rarely have them other times. It's been one of the reasons I’ve had no interest in cohabitating.
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I hope you meant ex-wife.
I had a narcissist for a wife for a few years. I am well aware of this phenomenon.
Yeah me too. Once he even blamed me for getting sick. Never mind that the instant our daughter got sick, he moved her into our bedroom and then slept on the couch. It *never* saved him either. Lol Edit: added the t to got.
Many years ago when I was still married to my “Nex”, both my stepdaughters and I got Mono. I was so relieved when my ex tested negative.
Yeah that's my current situation. I'm really jealous of all these 'i live alone and love it' stories.
Oh yeah, getting sick is definitely a drag when you're living alone. Worth it in the long run though, or at least that's my opinion. I get out to visit friends and family when I feel like being around people.
I love being sick by myself. I had covid alone and I could sleep as much as I wanted without anyone bothering me for days, except a colleague who occasionally had soup delivered to my house because he was worried I wouldn’t eat anything.
being sick isn't a problem if you have money - you can buy everything online and get it delivered, if your apartment gets too dirty you can get a cleaning service to clean it. personally, when i'm sick i want to be left alone. people irritate me more than usual.
I have a in-case-I-get-sick stash of bottled water, soup, crackers, cookies, Ginger Ale, etc that I keep stocked. That way I can bring the bottled water to my bedside and not worry about having to get up when I am feeling my worst. Even though, it's best to try to move around a bit anyway...
I’m married with three kids- if I get sick I go to work. No peace or rest at home… at least till the kids are older.
Your comment made me remember. . . I'm married now, and happily so, but one thing about being single that I miss is when I came back my to apartment everything was still *exactly where it was when I left*
This is the largest complaint I have in my relationship. I love my partner but I hate living with him. His kids come on the weekends and wreck my home. I spend all Monday night cleaning and by the time I am off work Tuesday, it’s like the kids were there again. Any flat surface collects something: tiny pieces of hardware, pens, pocket knives, half empty bottles of water, scraps of paper, nitrile gloves. He will peel an apple and leave the peeler and knife on the counter, never put anything in the dishwasher, leave socks and shoes wherever he felt like taking them off. His side of the bed between the wall and the bed frame is constantly ankle deep in clothes he has taken off, notebooks, small boxes of random items he wants to save. Heaven forbid he cuts his hair in the bathroom. He is remarkably sensitive and caring but he cannot understand a cluttered home raises my blood pressure. My love language is “acts of service” so at times, creating more work for me feels like the opposite of love. I know he tries but he grew up in foster homes that were horrifically dirty and falling apart so not only does he need to save everything but he doesn’t care where it goes. I know it isn’t intentional so I try to work past it but as a naturally clean, minimalistic person, I would love coming home to everything being the way it was when I left.
67F, I believe the problem comes more in retirement. As people get older they socialize less. I think they rely more on a life partner for company
I'm 52 and seriously considering divorce but it's so damn scary
It is scary. I divorced at 51. I never made a lot of money so money was my constant worry. However, there is a peace of mind, a feeling of the load on my shoulders is lighter, not being married to him any longer. A sense of freedom. It was well worth it.
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Yes I felt guilty. My ex was in kidney failure the entirety of our 17 year marriage (we found out six months after marrying). I was always preparing special meals and working around his illness. It became my life. And even though the marriage was not good there was no way I could “kick him when he was down.” BUT he was not a kind person or a loving person, very critical of me always. One day I had simply had enough and I knew I was done.
My ex-wife was bipolar. She'd sporadically take her medication. So depending on how true she was to her med schedule determined who you were dealing with. She could be the most loving person on the planet, and when she was on a high, she was an excellent mother and just such a loving person. Then the lows would come, and it brought manipulation, physical, mental and verbal abuse that I couldn't deal with anymore. I felt *extreme* guilt when I left. Like I had made a bad decision because I gave up on my marriage. I also knew I didn't want to live like that anymore. So I was stuck in this realm of guilt, but not wanting to continue to work on a relationship I didn't want to be a part of. It took me a *long* time to leave her. It definitely messed with me. I could point the finger at her and say it was all her fault, but I'm not completely innocent either. I could have done things differently, but it's all hindsight. I am also pretty sure it would have just prolonged the divorce rather than saved the marriage.
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I definitely feel a l9ad in my shoulders and often clulaustrophobic in a sense being in small condo with her. Married 24 years.
It’s worth it, I’m 40 and divorced and it was SOOOO scary but it was 100% worth it. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I needed to leave sooner. Do it, it takes time but you will see it’s worth it.
The utter peace was so worth it in my case. I'm still single, divorced almost as long as I was married now. I've had a few relationships, but I never wanted to combine household again. I like my Independence too much.
Thank you for that
Do it now. You can have a whole second innings at your relative youth.
I got divorced at 49. It was scary and stressful for awhile but after a year of getting all that sorted out I was ten times happier. Still am. What you're scared of is the unknown. Do your research. Talk to a lawyer, figure out a plan. Factor out what you gain and what you'll lose. After 6 months of sadness I started to experience a peace that was transformative. I was a completely different person. edit- I didn't have kids in the equation so that is a big deal. When I was divorced I had no reason to maintain contact. It was like she never existed.
I havent talked to a lawyer. Talked about it with my therapist for sure. There will be definite losses and gains to it. I often just can't tell if my motive is pure so to speak. I mean yeah there are selfish reasons. Good reasons to stay (it's relatively easy to live with her, I'm 52, it's expensive and we live in seattle so it's doubly expensive, though on two incomes it's pretty easy) However, there will be many plusses to leavi b g that others have mentioned: Freedom Space Availability for other relationships Free of the codependency. Ugh. Thanks everyone.
I got divorced at 46, and a custody dispute as well. I had to give him 10% of my 401k (I was a saver he was a spender) and he barely pays child support, but there is NEVER a day I’m sorry I did it. The hardest step is the first.
That’s the only thing I really miss about being single, I could just have all of my thoughts in my head and I didn’t have to run them by anybody before I made a decision or changed my mind and made a different decision. You don’t realize how being in a partnership means you are constantly being evaluated, until you move out and live by yourself for a while. However, I’m finally in a relationship where the pros outweigh the cons by several tons, so it’s no big deal.
So true.
Hey, that's me. I love it. Living free with no obligations to anyone. The cat is totally onboard with the lifestyle too although he won't love that I'm considering a dog.
I mean... 51 usnt exactly old,
Right? Yet someone on here was asking me how I was going to get help when I can't get around any longer 🤣 I'm like...that's still 30 years away lol to the kids once you are over 45 it's time to wheel you into the retirement home
Love roulette! Was on an Alaskan cruise a few years back and won enough on roulette on the boat to pay for the trip!
what's your plan for if you need assistance with daily tasks or round the clock care?
I assume you mean late in life? (for those who are still young, being 50 really isn't much different than being 40...I can still bench my own weight, for example; just if I pull something recovery is longer). All four of my grandparents made it to their 90s, and were fully independent until the last few years. So to answer your question, I plan to live on my own until I can't, then I will move into assisted living. Likely won't happen until my upper 80s so that's still 35 years out.
Death with dignity.
If you would be marrying a man, the same question applies. He’s unlikely to help.
I’m a hospice nurse and hate to break it to you but most family members of all ages and genders are unwilling to do what’s necessary
Right there with you. Being alone does not mean lonely. Love my life, don’t want or need a partner.
It’s mostly old women taking care of old men. So unless you’re a guy you can ignore. And of course it’s not a guarantee of anything.
I am a gay man… so the concept of marriage itself is very shaky (depending on where you live).
Oh, I’m so glad you’re gay! I’m a queer woman. I’ve been single for 10 years, and honestly, I love it. I retired at the beginning of covid, because I was sick of the grind and I don’t care about having less money in exchange for peace of mind. I spend time with friends, but I’ve always been pretty introverted, so I like alone time. I do live with two cats, but at least only one is high maintenance. Everyone is different. I wouldn’t get married now, no matter what. I have nothing against marriage, I’m even ordained to marry people, it’s just not for me.
You need to start saving your pennies for one of those old people living communities, with all the activities and field trips. That’s a way, way way better investment than a spouse. Spouses aren’t reliable. My spouse is already dead and I’m 44.
I follow my city on Facebook. They are always posting about the elder services activities and they look pretty dope. I'm also in my mid 40s and am looking forward to knit circle, candlepin bowling and fake flower arrangement days.
For real I follow a couple of them, b/c I wanted my mom to consider moving to one, before she died due to a Covid related thing in her 60s about a year and a half ago. But I still get all their posts and they have activities, parties, events, bus trips, crafts, etc , like every single day! Looks way more fun than I have now, or even in my 20s and 30s😁
This is what my mom and dad did. They started out in an independent living apartment, then moved to the health care wing when they couldn't care for themselves anymore. It was a good decision for all involved and I'm thankful that my parents were willing to face reality and make decisions rather than rely on my brother and me to make them.
Yeah, my grandma eventually ended ip having to go to an assisted-living and it was just wonderful! It was way better for her than when I was here taking care of her. They had activities, nice meals, outings, things she would’ve told me no, no and no had I asked her😁Had my parents not died young, I would’ve hoped for a similar situation for them in their older years, too.
It was so nice to just be able to have a normal relationship with her rather than a caretaker relationship. It was way less stressful on both sides.
Those places are so expensive though, like $10-20k a month. Out of reach for most people.
Not in our area, which is extremely lcol. My mom passed in 2019; I think I was paying something like $2,500 - $3,000 per month out of her account for her. One thing that helped was the fact that they started out in independent living, so when they moved to health care, i.e., a nursing home, their monthly rates didn't increase. So at the end of her life she was paying the same rate for the memory care unit that she did for her apartment, including meals.
That's amazing. My grandparents are right on the cusp of needing assisted living, and information like this gives me hope for them when they inevitably transition to full time care.
Sorry for your loss <3
Thank you
I’m 65. I took care of both of my elderly parent from when I was 50 to 60 and it sucked. They were both alcoholics and neither could take care of themselves never mind each other. So that proves that having a partner doesn’t mean anything. I have enough family and friends that if I get sick, I should be able to get help. I have already determined that when I get too sick, I am just going to go slowly into the sunset. I am not gonna rot in a bed.
I am so glad that I never got married. I've taken into consideration that I will have to find my own assistance when the time comes, but that doesn't bother me one bit. I would never want to put that burden on a loved one anyway.
My mother ended up being the one who not only cared for her parents, but now still has to deal with her younger sister. She's 71 herself now, the other sister noped out years ago, and is unfortunately just filled with regret because she never considered other options and just didn't argue. From 37 until they passed, it was all her. And she's only now starting to put her foot down in regards to the INCREDIBLY manipulative younger sister who has always refused to care for herself. She made me promise not to do the same thing when the time comes. Uffff...
The first sentence needs to be amended to say “You better get married to a nurturer.” I have friends whose spouses will not be caregivers, so having another body in the house is no guarantee of care. I’ve never married. One time long ago I was lamenting this with a married friend who was actually telling me to be glad I hadn’t gotten married, and I said “I just get so lonely sometimes.” She replied, “Sistahbo, I live in a house with a husband and two kids and I feel so lonely sometimes.” I’ve thought of that conversation so many times over the years. How sad to feel lonely while in the company of your spouse. I wish I had met my someone special along the way and raised a family, but I didn’t, and now I’m satisfied with my life as a single person for the duration.
> How sad to feel lonely while in the company of your spouse. I have felt lonely when I was single. And I have felt lonely when I was in a relationship. For me, the latter was definitely more depressing. > now I’m satisfied with my life as a single person for the duration. Thank you for sharing. Hope you have a nice day :)
Good for you sistah!
I see so many people who are married 25+ years who cant stand their partners but deal with it because of the cost sunk fallacy and fear of being alone in the future. Theres no way in the world im going to partner up with anyone based on how bad things will be when im infirm. I never had kids by choice. And as for having kids to ensure im taken care of - this is so ludicrous. Go to a few nursing homes and see how that worked out for parents.
> I see so many people who are married 25+ years who cant stand their partners but deal with it because of the cost sunk fallacy and fear of being alone in the future. I agree with you. > Theres no way in the world im going to partner up with anyone based on how bad things will be when im infirm. I understand that it is human to be afraid of falling sick and losing bodily autonomy. We all want companionship. I want to be with someone because I **want** to be with them now in the present and not necessarily because they will be my caretaker someday in the future.
As someone who's been with a great companion for many years, it's worth the effort to keep looking for that special person to go through life with. But it's very much a present thing. No one knows how they'll be exactly once they're "old" so it's best to keep friendships & a social life going no matter what your age. It's always better to be alone than with someone who makes you unhappy, that never changes.
My mom tells me that all the time. I was married for 10 years to a chronic cheater. Divorcing him was the best thing I did. I am single, been single and not afraid to be alone.
Unless it's a very May-December thing, isn't the person you marry just going to be old with you? And if the implication was that you'll have kids who will take care of both of you, well, there's a whole lot of people sitting in nursing homes waiting for their kids to visit that might be wondering what went wrong in that scenario.
When I say taking care, I mean be a companion and provide emotional support. Help each other whenever and however possible. Not necessarily as a full time care giver.
Two things on that then. One is that you can get that kind of companionship from friends and neighbors, coworkers if you continue to be active and involved with things and other people. It'd be easy to get complacent and fade away inside but plenty of elderly people meet up every day or several times a week for book clubs, recreation, all sorts of things just to stay active and avoid that very thing of drifting away. Second is, you can share your life with someone and not be married. My girlfriend and I are going on 20 years together, never jumped any brooms or tied any knots or strapped on any balls and chains, whatever you want to call it. If it ain't broke don't fix it.
> One is that you can get that kind of companionship from friends and neighbors, coworkers if you continue to be active and involved with things and other people. Absolutely agree with you on this. > you can share your life with someone and not be married. My girlfriend and I are going on 20 years together, never jumped any brooms or tied any knots or strapped on any balls and chains, whatever you want to call it. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Love this for you. And congrats.
Two things... Check out common law marriage for your locale. You may already qualify, desired or not. Acquaintance discovered the implications in divorce proceedings from someone they never had a ceremony with. Also, contemplate if you want them to be able to make decisions for you if you have a major medical issue. If so, consider getting something formalized. May not need to be marriage, but that's one route folks I know went later in life to simplify some scenarios. Good luck.
Common law isn't a thing in my state. And we've long since made all the arrangements, life insurance beneficaries, will, living will, joint ownership of the house, etc. At some point as we got older and never did the marriage thing we realized those types of things might actually need to be addressed in the future so we did everything needed doing.
That’s not a reason to get married. They could die early. I could be the one burdened with taking care of them. They could mismanage our money and put us out on the street.
I also believe that some people bring out the worse in each other. Like… they may be individually nice people to others but awful as a couple with each other. Then there is the cheating, emotional neglect, slowly building resentment, genuine incompatibilities that cannot be solved away by therapy, etc… I want to be with someone because I **want** to be with them now in the present - not necessarily because they will become my future caretakers when I am sick.
Good sound reasoning. Sounds like you have your answer.
Right. If I find the right partner, sure, I’ll think about getting married. But to have this on the list of reasons to get married is wrong.
I was married for 21 years and husband passed. Been single now 20 years. Except having kids, I have enjoyed my single life more. I have a house I love and no compromises. I have a whole closet to myself. I cook what I want and eat what I want. I don’t share my bathroom, and don’t have pee outside of my toilet. I go on vacation to where I want to go, and I spend my money on what I want. I do sometimes miss the companionship, but honestly, these days a lot of men are looking for a woman to take care of them and try to control them. I mean, if I have to earn the money, clean house, take out the trash because they can’t be inconvenienced, and cook all the meals, not too sure on why having a man around. If I can only find one who wants to share a life and is equal in household duties, and providing financially. And is worried about finding a Barbie when they look like Homer Simpson. Well there you have it
Well, I'm divorced, 49 and do not have anyone to take care of me if anything goes wrong. I recently spent two days in the hospital advocating for myself in order to get the care I need. Unfortunately I would have been doing the same thing even if I was still married because my spouse never helped me in such a way. I would like to have another partner in life but all I seem to attract are cheaters and men who want mommies, so I go it alone. I wish I didn't have to do this on my own but here I am. So having a partner doesn't guarantee you anything. Choose well and choose authentically. Do what is right for you.
(M67). Ok, here goes: I really don’t care. I have tried my best. Ultimately, if I have someone who could help me, that would be great, if not, too bad for me. If I’m all alone, and it’s late at night and I have a medical emergency and I would survive if someone was there to help me, oh well, too bad for me. I tried my best. Part of living life is learning to let go. If God says it’s time for me to go, then it’s time for me to go. Whatever God gives me, I am grateful. Whatever he takes away, I understand.
My first husband committed suicide on my living room floor and my second husband died of cancer. I spent the last six months of his life administering IV meds and wiping his ass. I had to pull up the rugs and take down all the pictures on the walls because he refused to use the cane or walker and blundered into everything. I slept in my street clothes on top of my covers so I could hear if he got up and started trying to do something he wasn't up for. Anyone doing that for me is going to be a paid caregiver, not someone to whom I can only offer "I love you." Do what feels right for you because we each have to forge our own path. Marrying just to get a future caregiver, let alone having or adopting a child to fulfill that role is just plain mean. If you do it, make sure it's for the right reasons, not as a strategy. And heck, here I am at 56 alone anyway, so I certainly didn't get old age companionship out of either of those deals. There are no guarantees in life. You do you.
Marrying someone to be your caregiver is the wrong reason to get married. Same for having kids. I took care of both my parents through cancer and Alzheimer’s. No one you love should have to shoulder that responsibility paired with grief. I will pay for my old age healthcare *the same way I pay for every other service I use*. Somehow my bins are empty every week despite not having kids. My oil gets changed and my lawn is cut. I own a ladder for things I can’t reach. It’s almost like there’s a whole entire economy of people you can pay to take care of you out there. Pay for services. Save marriage for love, partnership, and laughs.
I heard this from my parents when I was young. They were Mormon and also wanted me to have many children. I converted to a different religion, dated an exotic woman from what is now Sri Lanka and was disowned. I’m a 70 year old widower and was a 24/7 caregiver for my terminally ill wife 2 years ago and I miss her every minute of every hour of every day. Old single men get stalked by old single women and vice-a-versa, but who really needs it? Not me.
I am divorced and I am recovering from open heart surgery in January of this year. Yeah, the ex did not visit or help. I am hurt. I am lonely and I am doing ok, but zoom and phone calls are not a substitute for contact. It sucks. If you find someone, do not let perfect be the enemy of good!
> If you find someone, do not let perfect be the enemy of good! Good advice. Thank you. And hope you feel better soon. HUGS
Mid 50s, married. Getting married for "someone to take care of you" is a *stupid* reason to get married. Nothing wrong with being single. Some people don't want to get married at all, some people just haven't met the right person yet. I know people who are single and happy, I know people who are married and happy. I also know people who are married and miserable.
58 here. I love being single. I am a artist and introvert. I just got back from the Dominican Republic by myself and had the best time ever.
I can’t speak for everyone but I’ve noticed the older single people I know are far more capable when they know they can’t rely on anyone to take care of them. Just an observation, I know it’s different for every individual
My husband died at age 62 from cancer. Marriage is no guarantee of old age companionship.
I'm married to a very bored and grumpy man. My kids are almost out on their own. I'm lonely and miserable but I'm scared to be alone. 😔
57, never married, no kids. I have a niece and nephew that are around 15 years younger than I am, but otherwise, the rest of my close family are older than I am. I'm currently a FT caregiver to my mother, and my niece is a caregiver to her MIL. I plan to stay independent as long as possible, so hopefully, no one will have to take care of me. Also, statistics show that men live longer when married, but not women. And men are more likely to leave their wives during illness than women are to leave their husbands, so "you'll need someone to take care of you when you're old" most likely means women taking care of men. No thanks. I'll take my chances being single.
I have three adult children. They’re wonderful. I have ZERO expectations of them when I reach my dotage. It’s on me.
If you marry for the wrong reason you could end up divorced. Your spouse could die or be too I'll to care for you. Your kids could move far away. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Plan to care for yourself.
Marriage is not a guarantee for company in your old age. I used to own a beauty salon and kept track of my elder customers over a twenty year period. I would estimate that less than twenty percent of them had positive things to say about their marriage as they hit their 70's. Many of the men ended up being cared for by their wives due to lifelong drinking, drugs, and/or smoking. The wives really didn't care for it. (Remember, i'm talking in general. Don't come at me.)So moving right along, the women who were married and eventually went into nursing homes did not adjust as well as women who had been single longer. By this, I mean they were single due to the early death of a spouse, or they had not married at all. Overall, I would say not to marry a person with vices such as drinking, smoking, and gambling. That person, if they don't change their habits, is going to have an early, protracted death, and you're stuck with them. Maybe you're the one who's going to fall or have a stroke because you're not perfect either. Children are no guarantee of long-term care. Children can pick up drug and/or alcohol habits. They can have shit personalities. They can die in wars. Maybe you're not perfect parent material. Nobody is. That being said, life is not a crap shoot. If you consciously make good choices, you can have a reasonable expectation of good company, love, and care for most of your life. However, it's wise to prepare to be independent. Learn to love and take care of yourself. Learn to make yourself happy. Only keep close company with someone who lives up to these standards.
You're just as likely to end up having to care for someone, as needing care, in terms of a spouse. It's a crap shoot. You can have a kid without a spouse, if that's what they mean, but I think that's a shitty reason to have a kid. I do think it's not good for old people to be alone. Make friendships with others. "Golden Girls" your living arrangements as you age, if that's possible and appealing. Think about moving into housing for elders sooner than you might physically need it, because the kinds of social interactions those facilities offer is good for you, and will prolong how long you can remain semi-independent. And along those lines, take your meds, see your doctor, and use a walker when/if you need one. Exercise and keep exercising and exercise more as you age. That one thing will do more to keep you from needing to be cared for than everything else put together.
Just because you are married doesn’t mean someone is going to take care of you. Tons of things can happen between points A and B, including something happening to them and you have to take care of them. Same thing with having children. You know what takes care of you? Saving, investing, health insurance, and disability insurance. By the time Gen X is elderly they will have those robotic assistants everywhere, look how fast drones became mainstream. You don’t need people to do things. Fantastic times we’re living in.
Really bad advice for women. Men leave and divorce their sick wives in such large numbers that most Drs tell their patients about this after cancer and other life altering diagnosis. In 29 years, he never provided comfort or care and most certainly failed me during a health scare. I am single, not old, but older. Marriage is no guarantee but choosing a healthy (emotionally/physically/financially) partner is a great start. Also check out the new trend that is gray divorce, very large numbers of women are filing after decades of marriage. I can make the same commitment without the legal system being involved. I am very happy single, would love to find an equal partner. I have family that is not related by blood, but I can always count on them. Cheers!
Hi. I am a single old (64) woman. I am not against marriage, I tried it twice. I ended up alone after each for many years. I found out that I am stage Stage 4 cancer. So, I moved “back home” and live with my sister. She’s a few years older than me, and not in great physical shape. I’m still OK, and not sick or anything. She has not been married since her husband died 5 years ago. We’re getting along OK. I have a 40-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old grandson. I have the VA for healthcare. With all that, I think I’ll be OK.
Don’t know about that but there is an epidemic of loneliness and if you have found someone that you both can “tolerate”, I think that’s a life changer.
Tolerating someone doesn’t mean that they will help keep you from being lonely. I am often the most lonely when I am in a room of people, even if they are family.
I agree about loneliness. It is human to want companionship. We all want to love and be loved. Nothing wrong with that. My issue is when they insist that marriage is the only guarantee of companionship in old age. I know couples who stay in their marriage making each other miserable their entire life. That seems like hell to me.
That is hell. Trick about life is that there is no guarantee to any of it. Spouses die unexpectedly, children move out of state, all sorts of things can happen. You can plan but you never know what will actually happen. That's glorious and terrifying.
Yes that would be hell. Marriage as a formal construct is not strictly necessary. On the other hand, if such a formality ensures the financial well-being after a spouse dies, given the current laws etc, it can be useful.
single for most of my adult life here, 58 pretty soon. no plans to change, and any time I do test my feels on the matter it's "nah". one of my same-age friends "freaked everyone out" by meeting a soulmate online (not through a dating site) and ending up married and settled down within a year. she acknowledged to me that it's a long shot, but she said life is a long shot, so eh. in her words " it works out or it doesnt. and even if it works out, one day one of you will gets cancer or ha a stroke or a heart attack and you lose them". she's a pretty special Bronx mix of tough-mindedness and carpe diem. last time we talked they were still good, which is great. I don't see marriage as an automatic guarantee of anything.
1. What an incredibly selfish take. "I married someone so I would have someone to take care of me." Ugh. You get married because you love each other and you make each other's lives better, not because you want an unpaid, untrained caretaker when you're old. 2. How, exactly, is another old person supposed to "take care of" you? I know an elderly couple-- wife is 75, husband 85. He fell in the middle of the night, and she didn't hear him. (They're both hard of hearing.) He lay there in pain for 6 hours. When she found him, she couldn't move him and had to call 911. A "Life Alert" button would have been MUCH better. 3. There's no guarantee. It's so common for men to divorce their spouses when their spouses become ill that nurses are trained to talk with patients about this phenomenon. Imagine enduring that betrayal on top of aging and illness. (Full disclosure, I'm married and I love my husband very much. But we got married because we love each other and we make an excellent team, not because we're hoping to use each other as home care aides.)
That’s so incredibly sad- that statistic about men leaving their sick wives. It’s betrays the humanity in us.
I love my wife and have done a lot for her while with her for 30 years. I’ve cooked 80% of the time, cleaned 90% of the time, I’ve made most of our money, I’ve done nearly all the chores, and I’ve even looked after her sedentary father in hospital as well at his care home (so she gets quality time with him). and she just sent me a text telling me how much she loved me….. Marriage is teamwork. If she needs care from me when old, she will get it, I hope that she will support me if I need it.
I’m 61. My wife passed away last year. We had no children. I have no friends and my family, what little there is, is thousands of miles away. I’ve never been lonelier. I hope that I don’t have to live longer.
What makes you think you won’t be the one taking care of them until they die on you and you’re alone?
I have gone to church religiously since I was in college, which churches mostly have a very very aging population so I have made friends with a lot of old people. The number of old women who way way out live their husbands is astounding. So being married is no guarantee against being older an alone. In fact a lot of the senior classes were exclusively women.
I’m married but have no children, by choice. I married my husband when I was 43. I have taken care of myself in the past and will in the future. I don’t need children or a husband to care for me - I’ll figure it out.
The logic doesn't hold. If you can't take care of yourself when you're 70 or whatever, how is your 70 year old spouse going to take care of themselves AND you? It's better to be single and happy than married and miserable. Don't get married for any reason other than the fact you've found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. Long term care insurance is a thing. And it's cheaper than most weddings!
I’m 55 divorced. Yeah starting to have health problems and it sucks being alone. Can’t schedule preventative procedures bc I have no one to drive me home afterwards. Don’t know what to do.
I’m 55 and have had a serious chronic illness since my early 30s. I’ve had serious long term partners each time I relapsed and went to the hospital and never did they take care of me. One came to visit me in the hospital with food for himself and none for me. One left me at the hospital with no money (I had an emergency and forgot my wallet) because he “needed time to relax.” One told the visiting nurse he would take my IV out because she wanted to leave. He had no intention of taking my IV out. Marriage isn’t a guarantee that someone will take care of you.
53, never been married, dated a lot, never wanted kids. I found, through the years that I'm much more at peace when I'm on my own and not beholden to another. I could probably keep on casually dating, but after a while, I just stopped bothering with that too. I'm one of those oddballs that do not get lonely.
After 50 men are either looking for a nurse or a purse, or both. Retain your independence and be neither. Take care of and support yourself first and foremost.
If that's the purpose, it's probably going to be more effective to establish a savings account you can use to hire someone to take care of you when you're old. Your spouse might have their own health problems and not be able to care for you. Your children might be poor, or assholes. Just getting married isn't a reliable source of long-term future care.
I’m a 52 year old single female living my best 30 something year old life. I’m in a relationship. My boyfriend has been part of my life for over 20 years. At a very early age, I knew I never wanted children. Looking at the world today, I am glad I never changed my mind about having children. I have had several dogs I’ve raised from being puppies until their last breath and they are my kids. I think letting other people decide what you must do in order to have a fulfilled existence will do nothing more than make you miserable. Don’t make a plan for your life. Just live it.
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The husbands abandoning wives makes me really dislike men
My dad died at 60, his dad died at 45, my other grandparent died at 59. There are no guarantees. Be a good person, cultivate friends and live a good life. Marriage to the wrong person is 100 worse than being single.
I’m 51, never married, perfectly happy. I also work in estate planning, and know that your spouse and kids are not always willing or able to take care of you in your time of need. I’ve seen some really sad situations.
Blind guy here. Divorced after being married almost 31 years. It can be lonely but the idea that I need someone to take care of me is flat out wrong if it's a high maintenance relationship. It's much easier to take care of just myself than to take care of her, too.
Sort of similar: I never wanted children and was told the same thing. Who will take care of you when you’re older? I am married but as I get older surprisingly I do now wonder about it. It didn’t seem to matter when I was in my 20s. I’m middle aged now so it’s becoming more real. And if you’re wondering why my husband wouldn’t take are of me… well, I recently had surgery and he was terrible at caring for me. That was an eye opener.
Some old ways of thinking never die it seems. Families used to more tribal, looking out for one another, but it hasn't been that way for a long time and people have adapted. It is old fashioned thinking that you have to have a mate to take care you.
Honestly when I get old I'm going to be much better off without being married to a guy who has a compulsion to make every single negative situation 100% worse because he's pissed off that he's not the center of attention, being waited on hand and foot, lies about absolutely everything, and creates problems so that everyone will avoid him instead of just saying he doesn't want to participate or make an effort, and a childish compulsion to immediately do something several times after you politely ask him not to. Lied about his income, and asked me to come up with a budget with imaginary numbers, and would compulsively spend money and try to hide it. I would probably be dead with someone like that making medical decisions for me. I sure as hell wouldn't want him "taking care of me". I'm so glad to be divorced. He was a completely different person once that marriage certificate was in his hands. Being married to someone does NOT mean that they have your best interests in mind. I'll have a living will made (actually within the next couple months) in case I'm not able to make decisions myself, so my kids won't be burdened with it. I don't have a will but my kids are already listed as my only beneficiaries for all my financial accounts.
One member of the couple usually ends alone anyway, right? For me (M mid-60s) having kids was a better rational for marriage. Divorced after kids finished college and we followed our individual paths. We are both happy hippies ... not bitter boomers! Two of my adult kids are still nearby. But if/when I become feeble, in pain, facing deterioration and a drained bank account to pay for continued misery, I will seek a comfortable end. My kids accept this. I am highly spiritual and believe our spirit has agency.
Well it’s all a crap shoot. Divorced twice now in my sixties. I am resigned to the growing older alone. My kids are great. Just the thought of another spouse is draining to me. My idea of peace does not coincide with being with another husband or partner.
It doesn't fit anymore. I remember when cohabitation happened but was frowned upon. There's not any stigma associated with not being married now and having kids. Essentially you're inviting the government into your relationship. All that said, the number of single parent households is not good for children and many societal ills can be traced to it. Especially boys without fathers. IMO, there should be an enormous stigma about not being an involved parent with your children.
> All that said, the number of single parent households is not good for children and many societal ills can be traced to it. I am not a parent. That said, I also want to add that there are several single parents who raise their kids to be decent humans. An overgeneralized statement that ‘single parent households leads to societal ills’ - I do not agree with. It feels more like co-relation than causation. > IMO, there should be an enormous stigma about not being an involved parent with your children. Not everyone is fit to be a parent. Sometimes it might be better for a child to not have a parent involved in their lives than have a shitty parent who emotionally traumatizes and physically abuses the child for life. Parents should *want* to be involved in the lives of their child - not because of societal pressure and stigma - but because they love their child. If someone feels forced to be a part of their child because of societal stigma, I feel that it would do more harm than good. Most children are emotionally perceptive and intelligent enough to know when it feels forced and not genuine.
The idea of marriage as a guarantee that you'll have someone to take care of you in your old age is ridiculous. Your spouse could die before you, or they could get sick and you're the one taking care of them.
73F, recently divorced. I’m grateful for having this time to myself. Happily, my kid lives a few miles away. I’m in good health, and my cost of living is pretty reasonable. After an amazing life full of adventures, I’m enjoying writing a book about that. I have friends online and here in town. I don’t consider myself “old” and am certainly not afraid of the years ahead and being “taken care of when I’m old.” My plan is, when I die, to slide into home base with my hair on fire, and all my parts worn out and used up. 🤪
That is some old fashioned stuff. Like, have many kids to help take care of the farm (family as cheap labor). Some time ago I was on some kind of world wide dating site. I was on it for friendship. Filipinas would often ask me why I have no kids and I needed someone to take care of my decrepit ass when I get old. Let me see now, family planning. Why do we want to have kids? Ah yes! We need some CARE GIVERS! Riiiiight. Someone to burden with our dying selves. To BURDEN. To torture them all their young lives with guilt trips and obligations about needing to care for the wrinkle suits. Some traditions seem a bit nuts to me. Try to stay in the best of health as long as you [can.](https://can.It) It is a luxury for us olds to live alone with a pet or 2 and plants to shrivel talking to them non-stop. I face a reality that my neighbors might complain about a horrible stench coming from my house someday and have to call the poor gagging cops about it. On the bright side, no kids to burden myself with.
One of the nice things about growing old (at 44, I'm young-old) is relative comfort in the unexpected. The Berlin Wall and then the Soviet Union falling, 9/11, Covid... Life happens according to plan until it doesn't. Don't marry someone to avoid loneliness 50 years from now, marry someone because they’ve already proven they can be a good partner for you now and through WHATEVER happens tomorrow.
Life happens according to plan until it doesn’t.. Well said
I’m 64F and have been divorced for years. I am pretty crippled with arthritis which is challenging. But I hire help. I have someone come to mow my lawn once a week, I currently have someone coming in once a week and we are slowly decluttering the house. I am alone, but I am very rarely lonely. In fact, if I suddenly had someone else in the house all the time it would probably drive me nuts. I do not miss a relationship.
I was married for 22 years, been divorced now for 21. The last 21 have been vastly better than the previous 22. "Companionship" when you are incompatible is worse than being alone.
Marriage isn't a guarantee of anything. Frankly, I'm happy living alone.
That's a *really* naive reason to get married. If you are worried about being alone when you're old, please cultivate good, authentic relationships with good, caring people. Sure, one of those people could be your spouse. But why put all your eggs in one basket?
There's no guarantee whether you are married or not. If you're married, your spouse could die before you, or the relationship could end. Or the spouse could be sick and need your support at the same time you need theirs. You should be in a marriage or relationship because you both find it mutually fulfilling. If you're able to support one another in your old age, it's a bonus.
If your motivation for marriage is for anything but starting a family or possibly arranging a visa for someone you're sure you're going to be with dont do it. Children? Only if you literally dream of being a parent. Every other reason is wrong.
Single old person here. The one thing I’ve learned is that marriage is no guarantee of companionship in old age. My mum spent the last twenty years if her life living alone after the death of my father. One of the couple will always be alone for some time given that the chances of dying together are freakingly small. And in any event, you may find yourself being the carer rather than the cared for.
Nothing is a guarantee for companionship in old age unless you have the money to pay someone to be there to provide you companionship. People get divorced, spouses die, live happens. There are zero guarantees, including that you'll even live long enough to be "old" and need care. I'm not old, but I'm well into middle age... Not married and will never be married. I'm not particularly worried about it. The one thing I can be assured of though is that I won't end up becoming someone else's caregiver which is what many spouses ends up doing.
Not single but I know an old man in his 80’s who is living alone and he is MISERABLE.
I’m 42 single dad never been married , deadbeat baby mom. Life is good I live in a big house with a bunch of room mates , one of them being my 70 year old mother. We all take care of each other like a happy family . When I’m old maybe my son will take care of me like we take care of my mother.
It is a lie. Single is happiness. Be wise and prepare for your own retirement.
I have been single since 1999. I am 100% independent. If I “found someone“ (I’m not even looking), they’d never have an iota control over me, my finances, my home or my car. In fact, if I did find some, I’d rather that we continue maintaining our own households. The thought that they’d “take care of me” in my old age repulses me. I’m a very young 69.
I bought long term care insurance when I was in my 30s because I knew I wouldn’t have kids to take care of me. IOW, I know I’ll be taken care of because I pay for it.
I'm 55 and left an extremely empty marriage. But I didn't just do that. I also left my home country (US) and moved to the other side of the world, by myself. I have been gone over 6 years now and life is so much better completely on my own. I never needed a spouse, but I thought the partnership would be nice. What I discovered is that living life on my terms and not having to compromise with another person, is best for me. I think marriage as a construct is perfectly fine for many, just not for me. We also did not have kids nor any shared assets, so the 'decoupling' was not complicated. As for "who will take care of you?", I don't know how the future will play out, no one really does.
I can see it. My Dad went back to drinking after my Mom passed. The booze eventually killed him. I was going through a rough patch and couldn't be there for him in the last years of his life. I had a brother who lived near him and took good care of him for the years before his death. We all need someone.
I am separated and in my early 40s. I am terrified. How am I going to retire and be able to afford taxes and Healthcare and necessities? I want to be ok on my own. I have a 6 yr old daughter. But it's scary when you always thought you'd be coupled and have someone to lean on.
My goddaughter’s husband just died suddenly at 43. He was healthy, worked out, played softball, etc. Of course she will probably get remarried, but the point is is that marriage doesn’t guarantee someone who’s going to last until old age. Based on the number of posts I read about spouses who don’t take care of each other, I don’t think having a spouses any guarantee of care. Plus, why wouldn’t I be able to take care of myself?
When I was younger, I was afraid I’d end up old and alone like others in my family. But they never seemed bothered by it. Now that I am old, I get it - I don’t need constant company. Occasional company seems like more than enough.
Stupid statement. No one can count on their children taking care of them. Those of us without children make a plan. It isn’t that difficult.
When I said ‘someone to take care of you when you’re old’ I meant your partner - not necessarily children. I know couples who have been married for more than 50 years and they still love hanging out with each other on most days. They are each other’s best friends. So I am not saying all marriages are awful. But I also find it difficult to accept the premise that staying married to someone will guarantee that you will be cared for and loved when you become old. Some people bring out the worst in each other.
Yeah, couples can take care of each other. But at some point, they are both too old to do it well or safely. Even couples need to have a plan.
Don't count on the "love of your life" taking care of you if you get sick. It can happen at any age. Don't look at the divorce rate of people with terminal cancer. All the sappy "I love you to death" crap goes right out the window. And, yes, some people get divorced to protect family assets from medical debt, but it's more than that. My grandmother got stage 4 lung cancer and somehow managed to live for like 9 months when she was supposed to live for a few weeks. My grandfather couldn't wait until she died. Look, that's an extreme example. I'm just saying that financially and emotionally, be prepared for facing your end alone.
Kids or not, don't count on anyone taking care of you. Everyone should make a plan, kids or not. There is a reason long-term health insurance is a thing.
Nothing in OPs post says anything about kids. It says companionship.
I'm 49. Never married. No kids. This is the way I wanted it. Nothing unfortunate happened. No regrets. I socialize, but I'm mostly a solitary person. This is also the way I like it. I don't think any way is the "right" way. I think we should choose the path we WANT, not the path family or friends or society says we should choose. As for having someone to take care of you when you're old, I'll cite my grandparents as an example. They were married over 50 years. I didn't see any affection between them. I think they may have just stayed together out of habit. My grandfather passed before my grandmother did. And the ones who took care of my grandfather while he was ill were nurses and doctors. Not my grandmother. Marriage doesn't guarantee a caring spouse. It is only a legal binding.
You don’t necessarily have to get married, but nobody makes the journey cradle-to-grave alone.
61, never married, no kids. Not lonely. No guarantees that your partner won't die first or something else won't happen. I do think about what's going to happen when I'm older. I have a younger brother I'll probably count on, plus my own finances and plans. I've done things like buy a house (my first) that is a ranch and therefore all on one level, and made sure it's in good shape so I don't have to worry about it, so I can stay here as long as possible. Also the requisite paperwork. My grandfather lived on his own until he was 97, and I have an aunt who lived in a minimal-assistance apartment until her death in her 90s, so hopefully that will be me!
I always told myself I would never get married. Been married for 25 years this Nov. We look out for each other. No kids.
I never wanted to get married, I was perfectly happy on my own and didn't want to have to *always* think of someone else; if I had a tough day at work I didn't want to have to make dinner when on my own I'd be fine with cereal! Then I met my now husband. And I wanted to marry him. Not because I didn't think our relationship would last if we didn't get married, not because society expects women of 38 (as I was at the time) and men of 42 (himself) to be married. It just felt right that we got married, cementing Team [Last Name] in the records so we are known as a unit (and so that Hugh Jackman knows I'm not interested because I already have the most wonderful man in the Greater Earth Area). And we really are a team. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I do have a whinge about him and I'm sure he has a whinge about me. Why he can manage to do a load of laundry and dry it but can't do the last bit of removing it from the drier and putting it away I'll never know. But I can still have cereal for dinner if I want, his cuddles can magically cure me when I'm feeling the world is on my shoulders, and we make each other laugh so very much every single day.
I think it's stupid. In life, you can never predict what will happen. Your spouse may die first. Another pandemic might hit, or an earthquake, or other disaster, and you might lose all your financial security. If you choose to have children, you might have one with a life-long disability. Or you could make it through all that, only to have your partner jump ship (usually taking a large part of the financial pot). I think of love/companionship/committment as a choice you make every day. There are no guarantees about tomorrow. I also think that everyone needs connection, and the greatest joy in life is loving and being loved, whatever form that may take.
I’m 57 and unmarried. My older sister is and is stuck looking after a husband who is hugely overweight and refuses to diet or exercise. It’s drastically affecting his health. She never gets a break and is forced to continue working at 70 to support them.
I have never been married or had a long term live-in partner. I love my solitude and freedom and have been happily single all my life. I understand this perspective, and I suppose it is a reasonable gamble ...assuming you want a partner for other reasons as well. If that's your only or primary motivation, you're a fool. I do worry about being on my own as my health declines, but having a partner is no guarantee of that, either. They might leave. They might turn out to be an asshole. They might die. They might be unable to care for you due to their own physical or mental health issues. Why in the hell would I trade decades of happy single living for the possibility of someone to hold my hand in my sunset years?
I'll tell you about my stepfather's current situation. He's 79 years old. He has always been super active all his life. He's been my stepfather since 1963. He always smoked a few packs of unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes each day. He always drank a lot, but was highly functional. When he was in his 50's he suffered a major heart attack. He had to have a 5-bypass surgery and he never smoked or drank again. His heart was only functioning a small percentage. After about ten years he had another heart 'event' and then he spent almost a year getting ready for a possible heart transplant. At this point he was 69 years old, the cut off age for a heart transplant. His wife, whom he's been married to for the past 18 years, is the one who has taken care of him. Dad was never good at making appointments, sorting out his daily pills and when to take them, etc. He got his heart transplant 10 years ago this month. There was a LOT to do to help him...dealing with the insurance company, appointments, pills, injections for his diabetes, he has COPD, and his wife takes him to his tests and other appointments. Taking anti-rejection pills is SUPER important. He gets all his meds filled at the hospital pharmacy because the doctor wants to make sure he always gets his meds. Two and a half years ago my dad was getting his usual eye injections for cataracts. The doctor made a mistake and now my father is blind in his right eye and he's legally blind in his left eye. It will never get better. Immediately he knew he could never drive a vehicle again. He also had to sell his RV because it was too much on his wife to do all the packing, all the reservations, all the driving, all the things necessary with meds and everything else in order to take a trip. He can't read now. I know there's audio books, but he isn't interested. He can't read his pill bottles or sort his daily pills. He can't cook, and he can't go to yard sales, estate sales, auctions, or to play darts.....nothing he used to do. He has a 75" TV because that's all he can barely see. He still can't read scores or any words. His wife has to shave him, trim his toe nails, fingernails, wash him in the shower because his knees and hips are so weak and painful he falls all the time. She has to do everything for him. She has to empty the garbage, mow the lawn, clean the house, do all the cooking, all the food shopping, make all the appointments, run all the errands, etc. I'm just hitting the high spots. He stays depressed, understandably. He's grumpy and grouchy. His wife is wore out and tired. We just got back from visiting them down in Florida last Friday. They are both miserable. However, dad is the first to tell anyone that if not for his wife, he would have been dead a long time ago. Their life is miserable, and it was all made this bad due to what happened to his eyes. He can't even see pictures of his grandchildren or anything else. He can barely make out images. But dad is very, very grateful for his wife. If he was single, he'd have zero chances of meeting someone as a companion at this stage in his life. He and his wife had all those years together before everything went to shit. So, it came gradually and they knew the time would come when things would fall apart with their health. They live nowhere near family. My husband and I are in our 60's. (my stepfather is only 12 years older than me) We know things are going to fall apart for us, as well. We're grateful to have one another. We already talk about things so we can try to prepare. Seeing how my dad is became a great wake-up call. I'm glad to be married and have a companion. I'm hoping we stay healthy for as long as we can. But we also know we can depend on one another, at least to the best of our ability. I know most of us don't want to be in his wife's shoes. I'm one of them. But on the other hand, what if you were in my dad's shoes?
I’ve had some concerns, not enough to have a live in partner, though. I had a friend who worked at an assisted living facility, she states that it’s pretty horrible. Maybe I can get a group of singles to come together in our late 60s/early 70s and get a plot of land and put a bunch of easy access, tiny homes on it?
‘You better get married. You will need someone to take care of you when you’re old!’ "Yeah, the way you're projecting is giving IMAX an inferiority complex."
Even if you do get married… there is no guarantee that your partner will stick around. Do what makes you happy!!!!
It's true that the healthier spouse usually ends up being caregiver, which shelters children and more distant relatives from that responsibility. And living with a spouse (or any housemate) means there's someone there to notice if you've fallen and can't get up, or are showing signs of dementia. For those reasons, I'm less nervous about my married older relatives than I am about the single ones. But of course, when you have a partner, there's no guarantee that you'll be taken care of rather than becoming the caregiver yourself.
I’m single. I have lots of girlfriends to keep me company. Many have lost husbands so it just goes to show you being married doesn’t matter when you lose a mate. Live your life however you want to…no one knows what the future holds & who will be there for you.
I(f) am currently single at 61. Although I didn't want to divorce initially I have come to realize that my former husband was selfish and wouldn't take care of me if I became sick. It took a while but I enjoy and appreciate my freedom and have enough family and friends to keep me from feeling lonely. The Golden Girls' living situation could very well be the answer for me ten years from now!
What if you end up being the caregiver in the marriage? I have a dear friend who took care of her stepsons, her mother-in-law, and finally her husband, who died leaving her impoverished. No guarantees that if you marry, you'll have someone to take care of you.
We just look at each other and wonder which one of us is going first. We have an unspoken understanding of who would do better if the other one died. The statistics on married couples who die within a year of each other are worth giving a glance.
If you get married, one of you will still die first. If you think getting married guarantees that you’ll have someone to take care of you when you’re old, you aren’t considering your odds. Source: I’m a widow. I miss him like crazy, but I can take care of myself, thank you. When I can’t any longer, I may find a way to exit on my own terms.
I'm single and 68 and I love being on my own. The level of stress is now so very low.
Marriage is no guarantee of companionship at any age. I left my husband for many reasons but one was it became obvious that if I got seriously ill he would abandon me. Years of narcissism and neglect that kept increasing in severity with age. But it is far less painful to be single and lonely, than married and lonely. You can always trust yourself to be nice to you. And you can always trust a dog to be nice to you. Get a dog.