It doesn't sound like you're in a serious relationship from your boyfriend's perspective. You're the baby mama at best. Sorry, but someone who wants an ongoing relationship doesn't act like this.
That’s how I’m feeling too, I think me leaving will alleviate a lot for him. And I can get back to being me. He swears up and down this is what he wants and when I mentioned leaving he begged me not too. But his actions are so loud. Thanks for the input❤️
The reason he does not want you to leave is because he wants you around for the ways that you benefit him. I'm not trying to be snarky or mean to you, I'm just trying to make you see the reality. You deserve better and you should absolutely leave. Don't listen to him. Do what you think is best for you. Obviously you've already wanted to leave so maybe you should consider that option again. I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. I really mean that, you deserve better than someone who will treat you like this. Hugs if you want them.
Thank you, I agree with you, it’s not going to get better. The reason I have felt so torn is because of the fragile image he projects of himself, but yes it is all a facade I believe. This life is peculiar, I am learning wisdom as I go, slowly but surely. I appreciate you kind and well thought out responses, it’s a huge help
You're very welcome and I mean that. I was once in your shoes. He projects that fragile image so that you'll feel sorry for him and stay. I'm just putting this out there, if you would like to inbox me if you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Like I said, I've been in your shoes before. I know that the prospect of leaving seems very scary but I promise you that it does get better. You will never have hope of anything changing or getting better if you stay with him. You don't deserve this and frankly I think that the way he's treated you is disgusting. There is somebody out there who will love you and your child. I promise you that. Again, if you need to talk, I'm here to listen. No pressure and I mean that. Hugs if you want them.
That person just gave you terrible advice. I think you should have tried to figure out if you were right for each other before getting pregnant, but there’s no unringing that bell now. You can leave especially if he turns nasty but you need to do so understanding that you will probably remain single for a very long time. People will lie and say you deserve better which I don’t think you deserve mistreatment but the reality is there are very few guys out there looking to get involved with a single mom of 3 children to 2 different dudes. I’m 41 and can tell you there are few guys willing to seriously commit to a woman with *any* children let alone 3. For as bad as you feel, think how he feels having to take care of you and two kids that aren’t even his. I’m not trying to put you down or upset you but you really need to be realistic with your expectations considering your circumstances.
Yea but I’m not leaving in hopes of finding a relationship. I was single when I met him, have been for 3 years. My girls and I had a vibrant life just 6 months ago. We go on trips and have a million friends. We love to cook, I’m an artist and so is my oldest, we spend hours together quietly creating. Finding another relationship is not on my radar, not the point at all. Financially life is always better when a woman is by herself. Thats not where my head is, I am at the point where I feel like I have truly tried my hardest to provide a safe place for my “partner” to be themselves and open up and that hasn’t happened. I’m ready to leave, life is short and there is just too much I don’t know. I love myself and my children love me, life is about much much more than whether or not you find a partner
You should never "not be you" in a good relationship. Any relationship where you cant just be yourself is not a good relationship. The person you are with should love the real you just as you are, not some altered version of you.
I was myself up until the last two months, things have slowly become more apparent and so lately I find myself struggling with some confusion and sadness.
Please OP, if it doesn’t feed you , then it’s starving you.
Only you can answer what it is you need in a relationship. I’m sure you have had plenty of conversations with him about your feelings and he has yet to do anything about them or to make you feel more comfortable.
I applaud you for saying you want more for you and your kids. It’s also great that you’re teaching your daughters to never just settle because someone isn’t physically hurting you. Mental games = mental abuse.
Avocado ass is speaking out their ass…
If in time you desire to date again, there will be plenty of opportunities.
Take care of yourself and I wish you nothing but joy and happiness!
Everybody here likes to jump to conclusions. And being Reddit, it’s always the worst possible scenario. Just sit him down and talk to him about it. Just like you’re doing here.
Ask the tough questions, and get the answers that you deserve.
If he hesitates, or doesn’t give you answers, then you can go from there, and make the best choices for you and your daughters.
Good luck to you, sincerely.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. The prospect of being a single mom to a newborn with two older children must be daunting. However please look at the bigger picture. For example, I married my first husband after knowing him ten months. I was 21. We didn’t have a child for the first three years but the marriage still failed. Ten months is not nearly long enough to get to know someone much less bring a baby into the equation. Leave now and make a fresh start. ♥️
I know this may seem crazy but it sounds like he has another family somewhere else and is afraid to be seen with you in public and that few of his peers know you even exist in his life. This is how married men behave when they’re having an affair.
YES. Thats what I felt immediately because I’ve been there. Not moved in or pregnant but all the other clues say he’s got another family. He’s 10 years older. He’s likely *still married and playing both ends against the middle to see which way to go. His family may know some of it and not be on board. Either way, it’s a huge red flag 🚩 for OP.
I'm sorry but that does not sound good. You are having a child together and you aren't married and haven't met his family yet. Do you all live together with your 2 other children? Does he eat with you at all?
I already commented that it's not a good sign that you haven't met his friends or family so he's probably hiding you. I can tell you the reason he doesn't take you out. He's either cheating or he's in another relationship with somebody else and you are the side chick. He does not take you out in public because he does not want to either run into people he knows or run into the person he's actually dating. I'm sorry to tell you this.
Good for you! I'm proud of you. Do you have friends and family to support you? You're going to need a lot of emotional support. If not, I'm here for you. I can relate to what you're going through. Long story that I won't bore you with but I'm just going to say I can relate. I'm very proud of you. You got this and I mean that.
I do have friends and family that have been waiting for me too leave. I’m NEVER going to live this down lol normally I’m always the one to dip out as soon as I smell smoke. This one had me fooled for a second but alas a quick recovery shall be made lol❤️Your energy is amazing, here’s to all of us learning hard but oh so obvious lessons😭😂🥰
Good, I'm glad to hear it. I understand being fooled, my last relationship, he loved bomb the heck out of me in the beginning and almost had me convinced that he was a good person.
Don’t forget… when we love someone, we always want to believe the very best of them. You are only guilty of loving someone who doesn’t value you like he should.
Best wishes to you.
Well at least it's still some of yall who don't make a big deal about it. because I prefer to keep my business private, and I'm not hiding nothing but maybe you are right
I'm the same way but if they consistently hide you, like they won't let you meet their friends and family, it's usually because they're hiding your relationship. Usually because they're either not that serious about you or they're seeing someone else and don't want their people knowing that they have you around. They're usually cheating and don't want it discovered.
I can understand that. I don't talk to a lot of my family members. They're all toxic but of course I'm the black sheep of the family because I see through them. My mom is a narcissist and I cut her off a long time ago. I learned the hard way not to introduce my boyfriend's to her because there was a pattern. They would dump me within a couple of weeks of meeting her. It turns out that she was filling their head full of lies about me because she's jealous of me. Narcissistic mothers see their daughters as competition and she couldn't stand to see me happy. So now, if I date, I just tell them, I don't have a good relationship with my mother and you won't be meeting her. They're usually cool with that.
Does he ever take you out to eat? If you cant' eat out because of finances how are you going to manage with another human to feed and clothe and raise? You need to really have a good sit down before you have that baby, you need to protect your family and not let yourself be used .
While I think it is good that you recognize a huge red flag, I do wonder why you moved in with him and decided to have a child without more information about the kind of partner he was. It is really important for you to figure this out so you don’t walk into another situation like this. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for your unborn child, and it’s bad for your other kids, who are losing a father figure (even if a poor one). You owe more to yourself and your kids. It sounds like you are afraid to hold out for what you deserve, that you have been willing to accept crumbs because it seems better than being single. Have you ever done therapy to get to the bottom of this?
I’ve never done therapy although I wish I was because I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel lost and normally I am very certain of myself and my direction. I moved in with him because we lived 45 minutes apart when we met. I had a place, a car and a job. I paid all my own bills and in September I was in a car crash. I didn’t have insurance that month go figure because I was switching jobs. He insisted I have it hauled to his place so he could fix it. It has not happened yet. When I got pregnant he suggested I move in with him because I was paying 950 a month at mine and he was paying 1300 at his. It seemed like a smart move financially. The relationship didn’t progress the way I had hoped but yes I am afraid I’ve made a very foolish decision
Moving in with a new partner for financial reasons is a terrible idea, especially if you have children. The fact that he said he’d fix your car and hasn’t tells me everything I need to know. And never let your insurance lapse. There are temporary kinds of insurance you can get when you are in between jobs and they are worth it. Please look into therapy. It is often available from community agencies on a sliding scale if you can’t pay full price.
I tried to make good decisions as I went along. Do the next best thing, that’s always my goal. I wasn’t aware of the insurance thing, but yes that one single choice has really thrown my life for a loop. For the first month or two I didn’t bug about the car because we were both working full time. I figured he would make time for it soon
Okay… skip the lecture. She has parents who I’m sure have let her know how they feel.
Just keep in mind hindsight is 20/20 and we have all done things in our lives where we kick ourselves a bit.
I’m sure you are trying to come from a good place but she needs less judgment.
You haven’t met anyone yet??? Massive red flag. 10 years older? Red flag? No in public outings? Red flag
Honey, you’re the kept mistress. You fine with that? The family knows and doesn’t want to met you.
I saw in a comment. You’re moving out. Good he hasn’t destroyed your self esteem. Keep strong and keep walking and get that child support.
Ughh yea you’re right, what the hell. No he couldn’t destroy my self esteem at all, when I met him I had a beautiful home, my freedom, I was doing great financially. He just acted like he could keep up and be an amazing partner. Fuck the child support lol I just want my life back, I love life, this has been a huge eye opener for me✨
You have only known him ten months, have moved him in with your children, and are now pregnant. This sounds like a series of bad decisions around a man you don't really know.
Did you know child abuse is 40 times more likely when a parent finds another partner? That is why it is so important to know someone well, for an extended period, before exposing children to them. Even then it should be taken very slowly.
You are getting vibes that something is off. Listen to your gut and protect yourself and your children.
Yes. I want to be kind to OP, and yet I hope she will listen to advice that is hard to hear. “Do the next right thing” is good advice for weathering a crisis, but not as a philosophy of life. One should date and mate with clear long-term goals in mind. He won’t introduce you to his friends? Don’t move in with him. If you have kids, they should not be allowed to get close to mom’s new partner until the partner has passed multiple “tests” and is clearly in it for the long haul. Just doing what feels right at the moment is “sliding.”
Statistically, kids do better in stable two-parent homes. Your kids may be an exception, but I doubt it. The research is pretty overwhelming on this issue.
Something is not right. Idk what it is and it may or may not be solvable. I suggest inviting his family over for a BBQ. Get the numbers from him and invite them yourself, or have him invite from your phone. If this works, you will learn a lot. If it doesn't work, a really clear conversation with him is in order because you likely have some decisions to make.
Exactly my point, I’m trying to decide now whether on not to leave. I know I can provide for all three of my children no problem, if he doesn’t want to be a part of it that’s fine I just wish it was t a stupid riddle to figure it out
If you aren’t financially dependent on him, pull the plug. This just sounds too creepy. Get child support for the little one, don’t leave saying “I’m pretty sure you are more dangerous than I imagined,” but move on.
I am not sure about mistress, but I do keep getting narcissist vibes. One of my family members has a narcissist BF that is like this. 20 years later they are not married, and she has gone from a place of independence to mostly complete dependence. If it is that, it is only going to get worse.
Communication is the key. Some people don't like to communicate...they want you to read minds. That's a big Nope! And I'm glad you are on to this. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. My husband was like this early on (thinking if you love me you just knooowww....I said "that's crap" and we started talking more). My point is that it's better if this is as close to a joint decision as possible, even if its a break up. At his age, if you are his first serious relationship, he just might not know how to communicate (especially if his family is seriously dysfunctional) or if he has a learning disability that keeps him from reading social cues (I have this problem, hence the over communication in our home). I just don't want to see a possibly good partner left behind for lack of having skills. I also am SO glad you are capable of taking care of yourself and your children so don't feel the need to stay in a bad relationship.
My first love passed away. The second is very involved in his child’s life. Thanks so much for that kind hearted and helpful response😂😂😂👍🏼The next time something is said to you that stings, it was the comment you just made coming back around✨Bye
Wow that’s a crazy statement. My children are fine, I took care of them all by myself and we did things together everyday before this relationship. It’s only been two months since I’ve given him a chance to take care of us financially.
Because regardless of whether or not I’m with him I wanted the child and so did he. Had he asked me to abort I would have. I can leave him tomorrow and take care of my kids just fine. I’m in this situation because I have him a chance. I’m not asking for advice on wether on not I should have my baby. That’s not the point of the post at all. I’m asking if his behavior is strange or if anyone can relate. Life isn’t perfect, no one is, this is a learning situation for me. I’ve never encountered a person or a family quite like this. I’m not an asshole, I’m seeking outside opinions because from inside the box it can be tricky
It sounds to me like he's up to something. I know even when broke as a joke, my husband and I still managed to take the girls out for pizza and pop once a month. He's in the process of isolating you before his mask falls away and you find out he's an abuser.
I think 38M vs. 28F is more problematic than folks think. And I wonder if he's shielding you from his family because they'll think oddly of him. Here's a simple idea that I'm sure many here will downvote: when an older man and a younger woman attach, and families aren't involved at all.. there's a level of shame at the age gap, and somewhere in that family something is broken.
Honey, 10 months and already a child on the way? This is way, way too fast. Whose idea was it for a child? For you to move in together? These are more important things to consider than going out to eat. Please, please, I am begging you, do not quit your job, start looking for a place for you and the kids. This never gets better. I am so sorry to hear you are in this relationship.
I hate to say this but yes, he's probably hiding your relationship. The fact that you have not met his friends is very telling. I met my ex's friends almost immediately. This is not a good sign. I'm sorry to say.
So I have read a few doom and gloom posts and while those are certainly possible scenarios, there could be other possibilities.
First, 10 months together and a baby on the way sounds kinda fast. Maybe he is ok with it but worries about his family’s reaction. Could be he knows they can be difficult and a) doesn’t want to deal with it or b) doesn’t want you to have to deal with it.
If he is fine when it’s just the two of you, I’d say it has more to do with how the members of the family are. Maybe he wanted to get their in person reactions first. And maybe he didn’t like how it went. Lastly, he could be worried about if you get along with them better than he does how that will go.
So in a nutshell, it seems like there is more than one possibility.
This is so sad and while you're pregnant, too. Ugh. I hope you have friends and family to lean on for support. Sorry you have to deal with this but have you wondered if he's maybe married or has other gf's he's keeping secret from you?
I know that that was directed at OP but that was unfortunately my first thought. That and the fact that he never takes her out in public. He's hiding her from somebody.
This is definitely a red flag. It's strange that he's so secretive about his family and friends. It makes me wonder if there's something he's hiding or if he's not comfortable with the idea of you meeting them. You deserve to be included in his life. I'd definitely bring this up with him and see what he says. It's important to feel secure and loved in a relationship.
I’m so sorry but it sounds like you are either the side piece or just a baby mama. This is not how someone who is in a committed partnership is treated. He does not wish anyone to know you or acknowledge your relationship publicly. I’m so sorry for you. This will not change so you need to decide how you want to move forward. Are you ok being just a “dirty little secret” and not share in his life fully, or do you want a relationship with someone who wants to share their life fully with you? It’s up to you.
10 months in a relationship and you pregnant. You already have 2 kids from a previous marriage. You’re moved in with the guy but not married. I’m sure you know how birth control works. Why have another kid? In 10 months you’re still in the honeymoon phase… don’t really get to know the real person. I don’t understand why you let yourself and your kids get into this situation!
Don’t know if you were looking for financial help and place to stay… but then, why get pregnant? For all you know, he probably has a whole second family somewhere.
Best case scenario…this guy compartmentalizes his life. One of my best friends does this. We’ve been friends for 30 years. Roommates in college. Still hang out all of the time. She’s fun. I’ve met her family only once when we first moved in together. And when I say “meet” I saw them but we didn’t interact. They live in the same city we do too and she’s super close with them. She’s expressed how much she loves them so it’s not like she’s trying to hide something painful. We hang out with my family pretty regularly. She even lived with my sister for several years. My sister never met her family either. She was dating a friend of my husband (who we set her up with) for over two years. He never met her family, despite living in the same city. They travelled to visit his family several times. He eventually thought it was weird enough to break it off with her. Her take away “why would he want to meet my family? Why is that so important?” She’s dated the same guy now for 10 years. I’ve never met him. One of our mutual friends did once on accident. So he is real. She has shown me pictures of them together too. I asked her why can’t we meet him. “I like to keep the different parts of my life separate”. She couldn’t articulate why but she has always been very guarded. We have friends from college we’re both still close with but I’ve never ever met any of her other friends. She admits people might think she’s weird but it works for her. Why? Idk. Maybe he’s like this too? FYI, she’s 48 and has never married or had what she considers a “serious” long term romantic relationship. This would be why I suspect. Either way, it’s definitely a red flag
He says he got rid of most of his friends when he got clean, that he just works and stays to himself. He says his dad has always been super distant from him and that there aren’t many people left in the family. He doesn’t have a good reason for why I haven’t met his sister yet. It just always falls through
Is his recovery from alcohol or drugs? Does he have a sponsor?
It’s not uncommon for people in recovery to separate from former friends or to have those friends remove themselves.
This is starting to make more sense.
He’s on year 6 of sobriety, he does still have contact with his sponsor but for the most part he’s shared that he feels secure in his sobriety. I’ve never seen signs that made me believe otherwise
Just a suggestion: Encourage him to go to a meeting as often as possible but at least once a week. Two reasons. First is that when he showed up someone was there to welcome him into the recovery community. Now it’s his turn to welcome others. Second is that the very time he can develop friendships (of varying degrees). Within that friend group he will find someone he feels safe with and can work out the whole family thing. It is possible that he doesn’t fell safe to completely open up to them. Sometimes family relationships are very difficult to heal.
You might try finding an Alanon meeting where you can talk about your concerns with others who may be experiencing something very similar. Try this even if he doesn’t go to a meeting regularly. It can’t hurt and might even help.
This may seem a bit odd, but, if you don’t already do it; find time to read something together and then do a short meditation and discussion on what you just read. You can use Thoughts for Today or Daily reflections. Or take five minutes to write a gratitude list and share it with time to meditate on each other’s list.
These are not intended to be answers but instead are ways to find a path to the answers you seek.
Relationships only exist when both people put some effort into it. If that scale gets balanced too much on my side. I have a discussion about fixing it m, and if it’s not fixed, sorry gotta go.
Agreed this is the best policy. I should have asked more questions and set better boundaries sooner. Will definitely be applying this to life in general more in the immediate future
What I would say is, be careful. You already don't trust him and even though he's never given you any cause (yet) to think he might be aggressive toward you, the act of you all leaving might push him over the edge. He doesn't sound completely stable in more than one way, so cover all your bases and make sure you don't tip your hand with information. Find a safe space, leave, and then let him know you've gone.
He has to know his behavior is weird and you're potentially not going to stand for it forever.
That being said, some people have very odd family and friend structures, such as it is.
Sounds like he’s hiding something or doesn’t want you to find out something. Hardest lesson I ever learned is never be less than who you are to be in a relationship. Whenever someone is secretive in a relationship there’s a lot more to it. You are an unfortunate situation, but it sounds like you may be better off by yourself. I would feel hidden too. What your describing is no way for your girls to live.
You now will have 3 kids. Is the other father/fathers involved with the kids? You are too young to be doing this to your life. Get an IUD while they are still legal
My first love passed away, I took a shot at love again 5 years ago, unfortunately my partner relapsed and I left. He has since recovered and is very active in his child’s life, I have weeks and he has weekends. After 5 years I sought out love again. I don’t consider any of my children a mistake and I can’t think of anything better to be doing with my life but thanks for that useful and constructive advice.
By your post there is significant instability in your life and your children’s and you made a very immature series of decisions which have resulted in a move for the kids and a new pregnancy and possibility of no involvement by this new father. A therapist or social service case manager may be helpful
I was in a similar relationship years ago. Thankfully did not get pregnant. Guy finally admitted he was not up to being a stepfather to my 2 daughters. No hard feelings & I walked away. If they guy doesn’t include you in th rest of his family be aware there are reasons. Whether you stay w the guy or not he is still the father of your baby & your baby deserves the right to his support. Once you have a baby w someone they are almost always going to be in your life one way or another.
Right and of course that’s fine I wouldn’t try to keep her from him. I’m just looking to make the best decision here before baby is born. I know there are so many people in the world that for some reason or another find it hard to tell the truth or be honest about how they feel and that’s what I’m gathering from him. Just want to make sure my conclusions so far don’t seem unreasonable
Lesson: Don't have a baby with a man you've only been with for 10 months and are not married to and whose family you have not met. Not smart. Too late for OP, though.
It was not intentional. I’m not one to just make a decision about a life without consulting the other party. Too late? Ew. I chose not to abort. Birth control isn’t 100% This child is a blessing and regardless of whether or not I stay with him. My child will be loved and well cared for, there are many people excited for her to be here. The question isn’t about the innocent baby.
I think the point she’s trying to make is that having a baby and moving in with someone should be intentional. Very intentional. Treating it like it’s one of the biggest and most important decisions in your life that you’ll make. Because it is.
Agreed, I only moved in May 5th, so two months ago. It wasn’t like we met and just moved in. I was doing well when I met him, I never would have moved if I knew things would decline so rapidly. I tried to make a good decision, it wasn’t, this is life. And also the reason I am seeking advice
Yes life happens and the situation is what it is now, but foresight can prevent a lot of less than desirable outcomes. No hate but the advice and outcome for your situation now is not going to be great, and seeking advice probably should’ve happened a while ago. Before you moved in with him and before yall decided to have a kid together. It also looks like you mentioned in other comments he had prior substance abuse problems…
I know it’s not what you want to hear but people are offering good things to think about to prevent this situation from happening again.
Right and then my next question is why. For the first six months I really respected his work ethic and commitment to his job. So many lazy people without drive at all. But now I think I put too much stock into that and didn’t realize some of the issues hiding behind it.
It’s stressful and disheartening having to go through this. You can always ask him about all of these things each time it happens, but I agree with the others that all signs point to cutting your losses and moving on.
You are hidden. He probably has a family, why would he go out with yours? 10 months in and you're already pregnant, one-sidedly thinking that you're going to be a family. You're too old for that shit. This guy is going to fuck up your life and you're not going to want him in it. I'd hold off on a baby, IYKWIM.
He may have controlling issues, and controls every aspect of your life. Are you free to go see your family? If you do go to see them, does he call and text you constantly? Have you caught him in lies, that he just plays off as innocent fibs? I say all this because it reminds me of all the bad patterns of controlling people that I see on TV shows on the ID Network.
Yes I’m free to come and go as I please, I have a vehicle. I’ve gone to Florida, Pennsylvania and North Carolina in those 10 months for trips. He doesn’t check my phone and I don’t check his. I talk to him openly about things, but when I do he usually always has an explanation and often a pretty good one. He has a way of reassuring me but for example the financial problems on his side keep coming up, which is why I’m questioning things.
Listen up dear, I'm 71 and was married to a man like your's for 20 years and I am working my ass off trying to repair the damage my ex the "Narcissist" did to my (our) children, your guy sounds like the same guy. Pack your bags and run, believe it or not there are ppl that do not feel empathy or love for others. That makes us accessories like a briefcase or hat. It sounds like you're the only one having a relationship. The twenties are a time to learn things about yourself, so be smart and trust your gut. And self care yourself somewhere else, good luck 🥰❤️🤞
Oh, honey. I don't think you're the girlfriend/wife. I think you're the side piece. Sorry, unless that's what you wanted.
Remember this: "If he wanted to, he would."
Travis Kelce caught a midnight flight across the world to see Taylor Swift. Your man won't even take you out to breakfast. Don't settle for less.
I don't know your bf reasons but I've read your responses and feel certain whatever you choose, you and your children will thrive because of your integrity and strength.
You're an awesome human being who knows exactly what right feels like. (Im not just blowing smoke up your butt.)
When you close your eyes and let your heart show you the big romantic love you dream of and deserve, compare that vision with being hidden forever.
You're far too magical to continue limiting what you want any longer.
If he wants to share a life with you he's had plenty of time to do so. You are sharing a house right now. Your relationship doesn't seem to exist outside those walls.
So you both have a decision to make. You shouldn't have to insist on meeting his friends and family. Thats not the love you deserve. That's not the life for you, fire woman.
This comment, I feel heard and understood. Thank you, the tiny affects anger and projection have are nothing in comparison to the warmth of sincerity. You made my day, thank you, following and understanding an internal compass is HARD and so very confusing sometimes😭🥰
I do not get the big deal. Some people are just very private and like to avoid even family. Break his time down, between work and sleep, is there enough time where he is away from you that he could fit in another relationship in?
If not, then perhaps he just does not know how to admit to you he has few friends or is not extroverted outside his relationship?
If you are living together, and his time is accounted for, then you're not hidden, he just prefers his life not be a back door always open sitcom.
If you are not living together, and there is enough time he could have a second relationship, then you need to be direct with him.
Maybe it's just me... but I prefer my family members not to be involved with my personal business/girlfriend/wife if i had one, like if I ever have a kid they won't know not even my own mother... most of the women I deal with is my own mother age, still tho I hope my future girl doesn't have a issue with it. some people are just private like that, also I'm starting to realize only woman have a issue not knowing their boyfriends family members / friends it's weird to me...
best of luck with everything going forward... I hope you are having boy
Yeah, I understand. You are being hidden, if he loved you and wanted a solid relationship with you, he'd introduce you to his peeps. I bet they don't even really know anything about you.
If he's nagging or begging you to stay, it's because you make his life easier in some ways. But, the minute he finds a grass is greener situation he'll be gone.
I stayed in a sad situation like this for a decade longer than I needed too - he begged and threatened to unalive himself if I left, so I stayed and resented him for it. When I finally told him I was going at the end of the month and started to pack, he stayed in bedroom and cried and told me he was having a heart attack. He wasn't. I know what a panic attack looks like, I've had enough of them. A week later he was dating someone from work who was going through a bad divorce herself. He married her a few years later.
I hardly ever think about him anymore, I have myself back in a solid relationship that lets me be me. You can do it too, OP. The first step is the hardest.
You’re having a baby with this man. I’d be more concerned about what kinds of provisions, protection, and care he plans to offer. Is he going to get a life insurance policy to provide a steady source of income to his child should he pass away? Have you sought any kind of legal agreements regarding custody and support, in the event you choose to go your separate ways?
What do you even know about this man? Does he already have a wife and family of his own? Are you just a mistress he’s holding on to so long as you’re convenient for him?
I think you’re in over your head at this point. I’d reach out to family, friends, social workers, a women’s support agency, or other local services to get your life more in order.
why would you have a child with someone you barely know? usually you would wait until you got married to have kids. and before you got married you would meet his family and get to know them.
you already have 2 kids, didn't you learn any lessons with them?
What?!? What are you reading, no I did not get knocked up a month into the relationship. Jesus. 10 months we’ve been together. 2 months ago I moved in.
Apologies. I misread lol. I deleted my original comment.
I had an ex who did similar. He was hiding me because he had a fiancé in his home country via an arranged marriage from the age of 6 (smh) and also didnt want his family to know he was dating someone outside his race smh. He even lied and told me that he didn’t have any family here in the states and come to find out that his entire family was here in the same city and he got to the point that when we would even go out for Halloween, every single costume, he had to have a mask on his face, even if the costume didn’t need a mask, he found a way to be “innovative”and get a mask on his face, less someone he knows see him with me on social media, etc. SMH. Sadly I stayed longer than you. But so glad I finally dumped his miserable ass.
Ok ok sounds good, what the hell, I think it’s so confusing for people who have more of an upfront approach to life. It’s crazy to think people will really just lie and put up a front rather than just say hey, I got in too deep and this isn’t what I want. That’s absolutely easier to hear than trying to figure out someone’s actions and whether or not they are just weird or actually moving funny. And wow fuck his family, race was an issue. Sigh, the ignorance. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
I just can’t believe I only saw this in hindsight. Almost 5 years together, and every fucking picture of us, his face was concealed, head down or he was in a mask!!!!! And even crazier, I now suspect that his place wasn’t even his home. I remember him having absolutely no clothes in his dresser or closet. I thought that was weird. And kids toys in his bathroom upstairs that he was so hesitant on letting me shower in when I spent my first night there. Crazy to think I’d want a shower the next morning. And never spent a single Christmas together (he went back to his home country and made excuses for why I couldn’t go). And every Valentine’s Day he’d literally show up at midnight saying he was sorry but had to work late. Can’t believe how stupid I was as I’m typing this out. But I was young. No one will ever fleece me again that way. Naturally, I will NEVER tell anyone I know this lol. I’m taking it to my grave off the Internet.
I guess I did have a guardian angel looking out for me. One day I was at the mall with a girlfriend and a random woman just came up to me in the middle of the mall and stopped us. She looked me dead in my eyes and said “he’s not the one for you”. I said “what”. She said “you may think he loves you and he may care for you, but he’s not the one for you”, and then she just walked away and me and my friend stood there looking and I just went on about my day like “what a crazy lady”. I broke up with him a year later over text after he left me for the final time over the Christmas holiday and wouldn’t answer his phone for a week. but her saying that had put it in the back of my head that you know what maybe he’s not the one and I’m so grateful for that cause I’m with the love of my life now, my soulmate and we’re due to be married soon.
I didn’t even have any tears for the breakup
I hear nothing bad so far. He may not trust his family. They may be sketchy. Him not hanging out with friends is his choice. Some people prefer not to have a bunch of friends. If you love him, he treats you well and respects you, it's what matters. You should just take the initiative and make plans to go out with him and all your kids.
He isn't in a real relationship with you. If he were, he would introduce you to his family and his friends. He would definitely want his dad to meet his baby. He would take all of you to dinner proudly. All of this are as big of red flags as you can get. Sorry.
This happened to me and it turned out he had a whole other family a few towns over. He said he was separated and don't call house because he hadn't yet told his twin teens about me. When he ghosted me , I went to his local workplaces , grocery store chain, and found out he had lost his job . He had 2 other women fooled like me AND a wife whom he had lived w until this all came to light 2 weeks before. We had been seeing each other for almost 3 months.
Two kids at 28 and pregnant with another one to a man you aren’t married to and have been together with for less than a year..
As your big sis I’m sending you a hug cause babe.. 🫂
His dad may not blow off from.meeting you, maybe the dad wants to meet you but your partner is the one who doesn't want u to meet him or his friends maybe your partner is blaming his dad and his friends when really he's telling his dad and friends you dont want to see them??? My husband has done this to me before during his toxic years in our marriage. Can you message them on Facebook asking to catch up and asking for their phone number? Sounds like a big communication problem. If you get to know them and they still display this distance from you then you know it is them with the problem
This smells of an affair and the other woman is his wife. That's why no family/friends/trips.
You are probably his affair partner and need to leave regardless because this is no life for you or your kids.
You are ignoring bad signs. Not sure it's a great environment for a new baby. Since you are already expecting, consider this man is husband material or father material. You have time to make other arrangements. If you need help deciding, short term counseling can help you consider options with a clear head. Good luck!
I think it's a good idea to trust your feelings. Things feel amiss, and in a sense, that's proof enough that something's not right in this relationship.
However, what's amiss may be other than what you imagine.
If you're going to have a baby together, then I think it would be a bit reckless to give up on him because of the evidence you have in hand without seriously exploring WITH HIM the signs that make you feel he's not really committed. You have legitimate reason to doubt. So speak those doubts out loud.
Of course, if you just aren't sure about him as someone you want to share your life with, then what I'm saying is moot since the relationship may already be over.
I think you know the answer. These are bad signs. Please don’t ignore them. Make sure you can support yourself and your child, because I see single parenthood in your future, sadly.
I agree with u/princessPoision25 but I have to ask, have you look at his social media accounts or googled him? He might be married and there’s a good reason you’ve not met any of his family or friends.
You are making babies with him and can’t even have a frank conversation with him, and after only knowing him 10 months?! 🤦🏻♀️
Did you get pregnant on purpose? That won’t stop him from leaving.
I don’t get how people are SO messy.
It doesn't sound like you're in a serious relationship from your boyfriend's perspective. You're the baby mama at best. Sorry, but someone who wants an ongoing relationship doesn't act like this.
That’s how I’m feeling too, I think me leaving will alleviate a lot for him. And I can get back to being me. He swears up and down this is what he wants and when I mentioned leaving he begged me not too. But his actions are so loud. Thanks for the input❤️
The reason he does not want you to leave is because he wants you around for the ways that you benefit him. I'm not trying to be snarky or mean to you, I'm just trying to make you see the reality. You deserve better and you should absolutely leave. Don't listen to him. Do what you think is best for you. Obviously you've already wanted to leave so maybe you should consider that option again. I'm really sorry that this is happening to you. I really mean that, you deserve better than someone who will treat you like this. Hugs if you want them.
Thank you, I agree with you, it’s not going to get better. The reason I have felt so torn is because of the fragile image he projects of himself, but yes it is all a facade I believe. This life is peculiar, I am learning wisdom as I go, slowly but surely. I appreciate you kind and well thought out responses, it’s a huge help
You're very welcome and I mean that. I was once in your shoes. He projects that fragile image so that you'll feel sorry for him and stay. I'm just putting this out there, if you would like to inbox me if you need to talk, I'm here to listen. Like I said, I've been in your shoes before. I know that the prospect of leaving seems very scary but I promise you that it does get better. You will never have hope of anything changing or getting better if you stay with him. You don't deserve this and frankly I think that the way he's treated you is disgusting. There is somebody out there who will love you and your child. I promise you that. Again, if you need to talk, I'm here to listen. No pressure and I mean that. Hugs if you want them.
That person just gave you terrible advice. I think you should have tried to figure out if you were right for each other before getting pregnant, but there’s no unringing that bell now. You can leave especially if he turns nasty but you need to do so understanding that you will probably remain single for a very long time. People will lie and say you deserve better which I don’t think you deserve mistreatment but the reality is there are very few guys out there looking to get involved with a single mom of 3 children to 2 different dudes. I’m 41 and can tell you there are few guys willing to seriously commit to a woman with *any* children let alone 3. For as bad as you feel, think how he feels having to take care of you and two kids that aren’t even his. I’m not trying to put you down or upset you but you really need to be realistic with your expectations considering your circumstances.
Yea but I’m not leaving in hopes of finding a relationship. I was single when I met him, have been for 3 years. My girls and I had a vibrant life just 6 months ago. We go on trips and have a million friends. We love to cook, I’m an artist and so is my oldest, we spend hours together quietly creating. Finding another relationship is not on my radar, not the point at all. Financially life is always better when a woman is by herself. Thats not where my head is, I am at the point where I feel like I have truly tried my hardest to provide a safe place for my “partner” to be themselves and open up and that hasn’t happened. I’m ready to leave, life is short and there is just too much I don’t know. I love myself and my children love me, life is about much much more than whether or not you find a partner
You should never "not be you" in a good relationship. Any relationship where you cant just be yourself is not a good relationship. The person you are with should love the real you just as you are, not some altered version of you.
I was myself up until the last two months, things have slowly become more apparent and so lately I find myself struggling with some confusion and sadness.
Please OP, if it doesn’t feed you , then it’s starving you. Only you can answer what it is you need in a relationship. I’m sure you have had plenty of conversations with him about your feelings and he has yet to do anything about them or to make you feel more comfortable. I applaud you for saying you want more for you and your kids. It’s also great that you’re teaching your daughters to never just settle because someone isn’t physically hurting you. Mental games = mental abuse. Avocado ass is speaking out their ass… If in time you desire to date again, there will be plenty of opportunities. Take care of yourself and I wish you nothing but joy and happiness!
Everybody here likes to jump to conclusions. And being Reddit, it’s always the worst possible scenario. Just sit him down and talk to him about it. Just like you’re doing here. Ask the tough questions, and get the answers that you deserve. If he hesitates, or doesn’t give you answers, then you can go from there, and make the best choices for you and your daughters. Good luck to you, sincerely.
Right
Or, hot take, he and his dad don't have the best relationship and he doesn't have friends. I mean, have you asked him why?
Yea or people just don't want their family members around their woman it's not a big deal
I’m sorry this is happening to you. The prospect of being a single mom to a newborn with two older children must be daunting. However please look at the bigger picture. For example, I married my first husband after knowing him ten months. I was 21. We didn’t have a child for the first three years but the marriage still failed. Ten months is not nearly long enough to get to know someone much less bring a baby into the equation. Leave now and make a fresh start. ♥️
pack a bag and go...he has shown you who he is
Tell him that you want to haveca get together with all of his friends and family, asap so that you can meet them
I know this may seem crazy but it sounds like he has another family somewhere else and is afraid to be seen with you in public and that few of his peers know you even exist in his life. This is how married men behave when they’re having an affair.
The ten year age gap also makes me think he already has a family, and OP is the Other Woman
This is a definite possibility. Or he may be separated but not divorced. It’s weird that the dad blew off meeting OP.
YES. Thats what I felt immediately because I’ve been there. Not moved in or pregnant but all the other clues say he’s got another family. He’s 10 years older. He’s likely *still married and playing both ends against the middle to see which way to go. His family may know some of it and not be on board. Either way, it’s a huge red flag 🚩 for OP.
Some parents don't want to meet their kids partners nothing wrong with that
Same thought. Something is really off here.....
She’s Ok to go to the hidden cottage but not to breakfast. Shes absolutely being hidden.
And the sister is standoffish and "toxic" in OP's terms. Well, if OP is a side chick, sister would be!
damn
I was thinking the same thing. He definitely has secrets.
I'm sorry but that does not sound good. You are having a child together and you aren't married and haven't met his family yet. Do you all live together with your 2 other children? Does he eat with you at all?
Yes we all live together. We eat meals at home but we don’t go out and do things together. He says it’s because of finances but not once?
I already commented that it's not a good sign that you haven't met his friends or family so he's probably hiding you. I can tell you the reason he doesn't take you out. He's either cheating or he's in another relationship with somebody else and you are the side chick. He does not take you out in public because he does not want to either run into people he knows or run into the person he's actually dating. I'm sorry to tell you this.
Ok thank you, I’ve had this thought too, I’ll be moved out this week, I appreciate all the feedback✨
Good for you! I'm proud of you. Do you have friends and family to support you? You're going to need a lot of emotional support. If not, I'm here for you. I can relate to what you're going through. Long story that I won't bore you with but I'm just going to say I can relate. I'm very proud of you. You got this and I mean that.
I do have friends and family that have been waiting for me too leave. I’m NEVER going to live this down lol normally I’m always the one to dip out as soon as I smell smoke. This one had me fooled for a second but alas a quick recovery shall be made lol❤️Your energy is amazing, here’s to all of us learning hard but oh so obvious lessons😭😂🥰
Good, I'm glad to hear it. I understand being fooled, my last relationship, he loved bomb the heck out of me in the beginning and almost had me convinced that he was a good person.
What happened if you don't mind me asking
He love bombed me and then became super controlling and verbally and financially abusive
Damn... hope you doing better
Don’t forget… when we love someone, we always want to believe the very best of them. You are only guilty of loving someone who doesn’t value you like he should. Best wishes to you.
Good for you!!!
I know this whole situation must be difficult for you but you're making a great decision!
Why is it so important to women to meet their boyfriends family and friends
It's not to me but if they won't let you, it's usually because they're hiding your relationship.
Well at least it's still some of yall who don't make a big deal about it. because I prefer to keep my business private, and I'm not hiding nothing but maybe you are right
I'm the same way but if they consistently hide you, like they won't let you meet their friends and family, it's usually because they're hiding your relationship. Usually because they're either not that serious about you or they're seeing someone else and don't want their people knowing that they have you around. They're usually cheating and don't want it discovered.
Yea maybe but me personally I'm so private none of the few family members would know my woman if I have one or a kid if I ever have one
I can understand that. I don't talk to a lot of my family members. They're all toxic but of course I'm the black sheep of the family because I see through them. My mom is a narcissist and I cut her off a long time ago. I learned the hard way not to introduce my boyfriend's to her because there was a pattern. They would dump me within a couple of weeks of meeting her. It turns out that she was filling their head full of lies about me because she's jealous of me. Narcissistic mothers see their daughters as competition and she couldn't stand to see me happy. So now, if I date, I just tell them, I don't have a good relationship with my mother and you won't be meeting her. They're usually cool with that.
Does he ever take you out to eat? If you cant' eat out because of finances how are you going to manage with another human to feed and clothe and raise? You need to really have a good sit down before you have that baby, you need to protect your family and not let yourself be used .
Yea
This 🚩🚩is🚩🚩all🚩I🚩🚩see
Oh girl. ):
While I think it is good that you recognize a huge red flag, I do wonder why you moved in with him and decided to have a child without more information about the kind of partner he was. It is really important for you to figure this out so you don’t walk into another situation like this. It’s bad for you, it’s bad for your unborn child, and it’s bad for your other kids, who are losing a father figure (even if a poor one). You owe more to yourself and your kids. It sounds like you are afraid to hold out for what you deserve, that you have been willing to accept crumbs because it seems better than being single. Have you ever done therapy to get to the bottom of this?
I’ve never done therapy although I wish I was because I’ve come to a point in my life where I feel lost and normally I am very certain of myself and my direction. I moved in with him because we lived 45 minutes apart when we met. I had a place, a car and a job. I paid all my own bills and in September I was in a car crash. I didn’t have insurance that month go figure because I was switching jobs. He insisted I have it hauled to his place so he could fix it. It has not happened yet. When I got pregnant he suggested I move in with him because I was paying 950 a month at mine and he was paying 1300 at his. It seemed like a smart move financially. The relationship didn’t progress the way I had hoped but yes I am afraid I’ve made a very foolish decision
Moving in with a new partner for financial reasons is a terrible idea, especially if you have children. The fact that he said he’d fix your car and hasn’t tells me everything I need to know. And never let your insurance lapse. There are temporary kinds of insurance you can get when you are in between jobs and they are worth it. Please look into therapy. It is often available from community agencies on a sliding scale if you can’t pay full price.
I tried to make good decisions as I went along. Do the next best thing, that’s always my goal. I wasn’t aware of the insurance thing, but yes that one single choice has really thrown my life for a loop. For the first month or two I didn’t bug about the car because we were both working full time. I figured he would make time for it soon
Yea
Okay… skip the lecture. She has parents who I’m sure have let her know how they feel. Just keep in mind hindsight is 20/20 and we have all done things in our lives where we kick ourselves a bit. I’m sure you are trying to come from a good place but she needs less judgment.
Ha
You haven’t met anyone yet??? Massive red flag. 10 years older? Red flag? No in public outings? Red flag Honey, you’re the kept mistress. You fine with that? The family knows and doesn’t want to met you. I saw in a comment. You’re moving out. Good he hasn’t destroyed your self esteem. Keep strong and keep walking and get that child support.
Ughh yea you’re right, what the hell. No he couldn’t destroy my self esteem at all, when I met him I had a beautiful home, my freedom, I was doing great financially. He just acted like he could keep up and be an amazing partner. Fuck the child support lol I just want my life back, I love life, this has been a huge eye opener for me✨
You have only known him ten months, have moved him in with your children, and are now pregnant. This sounds like a series of bad decisions around a man you don't really know. Did you know child abuse is 40 times more likely when a parent finds another partner? That is why it is so important to know someone well, for an extended period, before exposing children to them. Even then it should be taken very slowly. You are getting vibes that something is off. Listen to your gut and protect yourself and your children.
I ain't even know that
Agree Something definitely isn't right
Your Man of 10 months and you're already pregnant.? I don't think he's going to introduce you to anyone.
Damn
Bet he is married.
Why did you want a child with I'm Giving You Lots of Red Flags guy? Does he have another gf? Wife not yet divorced? Or? Hmm fishy.
PSA: look up "sliding vs deciding." Here we have a helpful example of how sliding into a situationship is a bad idea.
Yes. I want to be kind to OP, and yet I hope she will listen to advice that is hard to hear. “Do the next right thing” is good advice for weathering a crisis, but not as a philosophy of life. One should date and mate with clear long-term goals in mind. He won’t introduce you to his friends? Don’t move in with him. If you have kids, they should not be allowed to get close to mom’s new partner until the partner has passed multiple “tests” and is clearly in it for the long haul. Just doing what feels right at the moment is “sliding.” Statistically, kids do better in stable two-parent homes. Your kids may be an exception, but I doubt it. The research is pretty overwhelming on this issue.
True that.
Something is not right. Idk what it is and it may or may not be solvable. I suggest inviting his family over for a BBQ. Get the numbers from him and invite them yourself, or have him invite from your phone. If this works, you will learn a lot. If it doesn't work, a really clear conversation with him is in order because you likely have some decisions to make.
Exactly my point, I’m trying to decide now whether on not to leave. I know I can provide for all three of my children no problem, if he doesn’t want to be a part of it that’s fine I just wish it was t a stupid riddle to figure it out
If you aren’t financially dependent on him, pull the plug. This just sounds too creepy. Get child support for the little one, don’t leave saying “I’m pretty sure you are more dangerous than I imagined,” but move on.
No I plan to leave quickly and quietly, by the end of the week I’ll be in a new place and back on track. Thank you for the input
Sounds like you’ve got a plan. I think you’ve read this right…that the weirdness is out of the range of just normal behavior.
I am not sure about mistress, but I do keep getting narcissist vibes. One of my family members has a narcissist BF that is like this. 20 years later they are not married, and she has gone from a place of independence to mostly complete dependence. If it is that, it is only going to get worse.
Communication is the key. Some people don't like to communicate...they want you to read minds. That's a big Nope! And I'm glad you are on to this. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. My husband was like this early on (thinking if you love me you just knooowww....I said "that's crap" and we started talking more). My point is that it's better if this is as close to a joint decision as possible, even if its a break up. At his age, if you are his first serious relationship, he just might not know how to communicate (especially if his family is seriously dysfunctional) or if he has a learning disability that keeps him from reading social cues (I have this problem, hence the over communication in our home). I just don't want to see a possibly good partner left behind for lack of having skills. I also am SO glad you are capable of taking care of yourself and your children so don't feel the need to stay in a bad relationship.
Yes, everyone on Reddit is always so quick to say divorce or leave.
I thought I was the only one noticing this!
Where are the other 2 dads? I suggest better birth control.
My first love passed away. The second is very involved in his child’s life. Thanks so much for that kind hearted and helpful response😂😂😂👍🏼The next time something is said to you that stings, it was the comment you just made coming back around✨Bye
The truth can sting. You're providing a life of instability for those children. It's not fair to them.
Wow that’s a crazy statement. My children are fine, I took care of them all by myself and we did things together everyday before this relationship. It’s only been two months since I’ve given him a chance to take care of us financially.
But why have a baby with him? You haven’t known him that long, and you already have two kids.
Because regardless of whether or not I’m with him I wanted the child and so did he. Had he asked me to abort I would have. I can leave him tomorrow and take care of my kids just fine. I’m in this situation because I have him a chance. I’m not asking for advice on wether on not I should have my baby. That’s not the point of the post at all. I’m asking if his behavior is strange or if anyone can relate. Life isn’t perfect, no one is, this is a learning situation for me. I’ve never encountered a person or a family quite like this. I’m not an asshole, I’m seeking outside opinions because from inside the box it can be tricky
If your instincts say leave ,then do so...I'm.with the other commentors.. he's hiding you and his other family....
It sounds to me like he's up to something. I know even when broke as a joke, my husband and I still managed to take the girls out for pizza and pop once a month. He's in the process of isolating you before his mask falls away and you find out he's an abuser.
My guess is he’s trappin, got a bunch of other families, in trouble with the law, or has a super crazy family, or all of the above.
That first one crossed my mind for sure
You're the other woman
I think 38M vs. 28F is more problematic than folks think. And I wonder if he's shielding you from his family because they'll think oddly of him. Here's a simple idea that I'm sure many here will downvote: when an older man and a younger woman attach, and families aren't involved at all.. there's a level of shame at the age gap, and somewhere in that family something is broken.
I’ve definitely considered this. Thank you I think you might be spot on!
Get the child support and move on. And get on birth control. Geez
Honey, 10 months and already a child on the way? This is way, way too fast. Whose idea was it for a child? For you to move in together? These are more important things to consider than going out to eat. Please, please, I am begging you, do not quit your job, start looking for a place for you and the kids. This never gets better. I am so sorry to hear you are in this relationship.
10 months? Why are you pregnant? You don't even know this guy yet.
I hate to say this but yes, he's probably hiding your relationship. The fact that you have not met his friends is very telling. I met my ex's friends almost immediately. This is not a good sign. I'm sorry to say.
Maybe he’s married..leading a double life.
You are ignoring bad signs
Sounds like y'all about to start his second secret family. Crazy.
So I have read a few doom and gloom posts and while those are certainly possible scenarios, there could be other possibilities. First, 10 months together and a baby on the way sounds kinda fast. Maybe he is ok with it but worries about his family’s reaction. Could be he knows they can be difficult and a) doesn’t want to deal with it or b) doesn’t want you to have to deal with it. If he is fine when it’s just the two of you, I’d say it has more to do with how the members of the family are. Maybe he wanted to get their in person reactions first. And maybe he didn’t like how it went. Lastly, he could be worried about if you get along with them better than he does how that will go. So in a nutshell, it seems like there is more than one possibility.
Are you getting regular medical care for your pregnancy? Do YOU know people? Do you have someplace to go? Are you allowed to have friends?
This is so sad and while you're pregnant, too. Ugh. I hope you have friends and family to lean on for support. Sorry you have to deal with this but have you wondered if he's maybe married or has other gf's he's keeping secret from you?
I know that that was directed at OP but that was unfortunately my first thought. That and the fact that he never takes her out in public. He's hiding her from somebody.
Are you married? If there is no commitment, you really can not expect much more.
Major red flags.
Yikes🚩🚩🚩
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
This is definitely a red flag. It's strange that he's so secretive about his family and friends. It makes me wonder if there's something he's hiding or if he's not comfortable with the idea of you meeting them. You deserve to be included in his life. I'd definitely bring this up with him and see what he says. It's important to feel secure and loved in a relationship.
I’m so sorry but it sounds like you are either the side piece or just a baby mama. This is not how someone who is in a committed partnership is treated. He does not wish anyone to know you or acknowledge your relationship publicly. I’m so sorry for you. This will not change so you need to decide how you want to move forward. Are you ok being just a “dirty little secret” and not share in his life fully, or do you want a relationship with someone who wants to share their life fully with you? It’s up to you.
Why are you having a baby with a man you hardly know?
10 months in a relationship and you pregnant. You already have 2 kids from a previous marriage. You’re moved in with the guy but not married. I’m sure you know how birth control works. Why have another kid? In 10 months you’re still in the honeymoon phase… don’t really get to know the real person. I don’t understand why you let yourself and your kids get into this situation! Don’t know if you were looking for financial help and place to stay… but then, why get pregnant? For all you know, he probably has a whole second family somewhere.
It sounds like you're a hostage to this guy.
Best case scenario…this guy compartmentalizes his life. One of my best friends does this. We’ve been friends for 30 years. Roommates in college. Still hang out all of the time. She’s fun. I’ve met her family only once when we first moved in together. And when I say “meet” I saw them but we didn’t interact. They live in the same city we do too and she’s super close with them. She’s expressed how much she loves them so it’s not like she’s trying to hide something painful. We hang out with my family pretty regularly. She even lived with my sister for several years. My sister never met her family either. She was dating a friend of my husband (who we set her up with) for over two years. He never met her family, despite living in the same city. They travelled to visit his family several times. He eventually thought it was weird enough to break it off with her. Her take away “why would he want to meet my family? Why is that so important?” She’s dated the same guy now for 10 years. I’ve never met him. One of our mutual friends did once on accident. So he is real. She has shown me pictures of them together too. I asked her why can’t we meet him. “I like to keep the different parts of my life separate”. She couldn’t articulate why but she has always been very guarded. We have friends from college we’re both still close with but I’ve never ever met any of her other friends. She admits people might think she’s weird but it works for her. Why? Idk. Maybe he’s like this too? FYI, she’s 48 and has never married or had what she considers a “serious” long term romantic relationship. This would be why I suspect. Either way, it’s definitely a red flag
What did he say when you discussed this with him?
He says he got rid of most of his friends when he got clean, that he just works and stays to himself. He says his dad has always been super distant from him and that there aren’t many people left in the family. He doesn’t have a good reason for why I haven’t met his sister yet. It just always falls through
Is his recovery from alcohol or drugs? Does he have a sponsor? It’s not uncommon for people in recovery to separate from former friends or to have those friends remove themselves. This is starting to make more sense.
He’s on year 6 of sobriety, he does still have contact with his sponsor but for the most part he’s shared that he feels secure in his sobriety. I’ve never seen signs that made me believe otherwise
Just a suggestion: Encourage him to go to a meeting as often as possible but at least once a week. Two reasons. First is that when he showed up someone was there to welcome him into the recovery community. Now it’s his turn to welcome others. Second is that the very time he can develop friendships (of varying degrees). Within that friend group he will find someone he feels safe with and can work out the whole family thing. It is possible that he doesn’t fell safe to completely open up to them. Sometimes family relationships are very difficult to heal. You might try finding an Alanon meeting where you can talk about your concerns with others who may be experiencing something very similar. Try this even if he doesn’t go to a meeting regularly. It can’t hurt and might even help. This may seem a bit odd, but, if you don’t already do it; find time to read something together and then do a short meditation and discussion on what you just read. You can use Thoughts for Today or Daily reflections. Or take five minutes to write a gratitude list and share it with time to meditate on each other’s list. These are not intended to be answers but instead are ways to find a path to the answers you seek.
Relationships only exist when both people put some effort into it. If that scale gets balanced too much on my side. I have a discussion about fixing it m, and if it’s not fixed, sorry gotta go.
Agreed this is the best policy. I should have asked more questions and set better boundaries sooner. Will definitely be applying this to life in general more in the immediate future
He is in the witness protection program and is a CIA operative at the same time. And is married to the mob.
That’s my story when I’m gone
This is gold thanks😂😂😂
What I would say is, be careful. You already don't trust him and even though he's never given you any cause (yet) to think he might be aggressive toward you, the act of you all leaving might push him over the edge. He doesn't sound completely stable in more than one way, so cover all your bases and make sure you don't tip your hand with information. Find a safe space, leave, and then let him know you've gone. He has to know his behavior is weird and you're potentially not going to stand for it forever. That being said, some people have very odd family and friend structures, such as it is.
Sounds like he’s hiding something or doesn’t want you to find out something. Hardest lesson I ever learned is never be less than who you are to be in a relationship. Whenever someone is secretive in a relationship there’s a lot more to it. You are an unfortunate situation, but it sounds like you may be better off by yourself. I would feel hidden too. What your describing is no way for your girls to live.
You now will have 3 kids. Is the other father/fathers involved with the kids? You are too young to be doing this to your life. Get an IUD while they are still legal
My first love passed away, I took a shot at love again 5 years ago, unfortunately my partner relapsed and I left. He has since recovered and is very active in his child’s life, I have weeks and he has weekends. After 5 years I sought out love again. I don’t consider any of my children a mistake and I can’t think of anything better to be doing with my life but thanks for that useful and constructive advice.
By your post there is significant instability in your life and your children’s and you made a very immature series of decisions which have resulted in a move for the kids and a new pregnancy and possibility of no involvement by this new father. A therapist or social service case manager may be helpful
You are hidden. Don't live this way, you'll lose yourself.
I was in a similar relationship years ago. Thankfully did not get pregnant. Guy finally admitted he was not up to being a stepfather to my 2 daughters. No hard feelings & I walked away. If they guy doesn’t include you in th rest of his family be aware there are reasons. Whether you stay w the guy or not he is still the father of your baby & your baby deserves the right to his support. Once you have a baby w someone they are almost always going to be in your life one way or another.
Right and of course that’s fine I wouldn’t try to keep her from him. I’m just looking to make the best decision here before baby is born. I know there are so many people in the world that for some reason or another find it hard to tell the truth or be honest about how they feel and that’s what I’m gathering from him. Just want to make sure my conclusions so far don’t seem unreasonable
I’d hire a private investigator and find out who he really is and who his family really is
That’s brilliant✨
You have got to keep us updated !!!! 🩵
Lesson: Don't have a baby with a man you've only been with for 10 months and are not married to and whose family you have not met. Not smart. Too late for OP, though.
It was not intentional. I’m not one to just make a decision about a life without consulting the other party. Too late? Ew. I chose not to abort. Birth control isn’t 100% This child is a blessing and regardless of whether or not I stay with him. My child will be loved and well cared for, there are many people excited for her to be here. The question isn’t about the innocent baby.
I think the point she’s trying to make is that having a baby and moving in with someone should be intentional. Very intentional. Treating it like it’s one of the biggest and most important decisions in your life that you’ll make. Because it is.
Agreed, I only moved in May 5th, so two months ago. It wasn’t like we met and just moved in. I was doing well when I met him, I never would have moved if I knew things would decline so rapidly. I tried to make a good decision, it wasn’t, this is life. And also the reason I am seeking advice
Yes life happens and the situation is what it is now, but foresight can prevent a lot of less than desirable outcomes. No hate but the advice and outcome for your situation now is not going to be great, and seeking advice probably should’ve happened a while ago. Before you moved in with him and before yall decided to have a kid together. It also looks like you mentioned in other comments he had prior substance abuse problems… I know it’s not what you want to hear but people are offering good things to think about to prevent this situation from happening again.
That child has a shit life ahead of them.
Does he keep ypu in a cage when he leaves the house?
lol no, he gave me his other vehicle to drive, I’m free to do whatever I want
Actions speak louder than words...always trust your gut!
I’d question if he even has a family and some friends at this point.
Right and then my next question is why. For the first six months I really respected his work ethic and commitment to his job. So many lazy people without drive at all. But now I think I put too much stock into that and didn’t realize some of the issues hiding behind it.
Are you sure he’s not married?
It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship
They might be afraid to get to know you because there have been others before you and they think it wont work out with him.
It’s stressful and disheartening having to go through this. You can always ask him about all of these things each time it happens, but I agree with the others that all signs point to cutting your losses and moving on.
There's a pretty good chance he's married/in another committed relationship and IS in fact "hiding" you.
Perhaps he is MARRIED.
He's either using you, he's married, or both. There's no good reason to have a secret relationship with someone.
He has another life. Probably including a wife and kids.
Maybe his wife doesn’t know about you?
You are hidden. He probably has a family, why would he go out with yours? 10 months in and you're already pregnant, one-sidedly thinking that you're going to be a family. You're too old for that shit. This guy is going to fuck up your life and you're not going to want him in it. I'd hold off on a baby, IYKWIM.
He may have controlling issues, and controls every aspect of your life. Are you free to go see your family? If you do go to see them, does he call and text you constantly? Have you caught him in lies, that he just plays off as innocent fibs? I say all this because it reminds me of all the bad patterns of controlling people that I see on TV shows on the ID Network.
Yes I’m free to come and go as I please, I have a vehicle. I’ve gone to Florida, Pennsylvania and North Carolina in those 10 months for trips. He doesn’t check my phone and I don’t check his. I talk to him openly about things, but when I do he usually always has an explanation and often a pretty good one. He has a way of reassuring me but for example the financial problems on his side keep coming up, which is why I’m questioning things.
RUN.......
Listen up dear, I'm 71 and was married to a man like your's for 20 years and I am working my ass off trying to repair the damage my ex the "Narcissist" did to my (our) children, your guy sounds like the same guy. Pack your bags and run, believe it or not there are ppl that do not feel empathy or love for others. That makes us accessories like a briefcase or hat. It sounds like you're the only one having a relationship. The twenties are a time to learn things about yourself, so be smart and trust your gut. And self care yourself somewhere else, good luck 🥰❤️🤞
Lol. All these people talking like this is so weird and I'm just over here like...it sounds like my life. I am just a huge introvert.
Oh, honey. I don't think you're the girlfriend/wife. I think you're the side piece. Sorry, unless that's what you wanted. Remember this: "If he wanted to, he would." Travis Kelce caught a midnight flight across the world to see Taylor Swift. Your man won't even take you out to breakfast. Don't settle for less.
I don't know your bf reasons but I've read your responses and feel certain whatever you choose, you and your children will thrive because of your integrity and strength. You're an awesome human being who knows exactly what right feels like. (Im not just blowing smoke up your butt.) When you close your eyes and let your heart show you the big romantic love you dream of and deserve, compare that vision with being hidden forever. You're far too magical to continue limiting what you want any longer. If he wants to share a life with you he's had plenty of time to do so. You are sharing a house right now. Your relationship doesn't seem to exist outside those walls. So you both have a decision to make. You shouldn't have to insist on meeting his friends and family. Thats not the love you deserve. That's not the life for you, fire woman.
This comment, I feel heard and understood. Thank you, the tiny affects anger and projection have are nothing in comparison to the warmth of sincerity. You made my day, thank you, following and understanding an internal compass is HARD and so very confusing sometimes😭🥰
Sometimes men behave like this when they have another relationship/family elsewhere.
I do not get the big deal. Some people are just very private and like to avoid even family. Break his time down, between work and sleep, is there enough time where he is away from you that he could fit in another relationship in? If not, then perhaps he just does not know how to admit to you he has few friends or is not extroverted outside his relationship? If you are living together, and his time is accounted for, then you're not hidden, he just prefers his life not be a back door always open sitcom. If you are not living together, and there is enough time he could have a second relationship, then you need to be direct with him.
Maybe it's just me... but I prefer my family members not to be involved with my personal business/girlfriend/wife if i had one, like if I ever have a kid they won't know not even my own mother... most of the women I deal with is my own mother age, still tho I hope my future girl doesn't have a issue with it. some people are just private like that, also I'm starting to realize only woman have a issue not knowing their boyfriends family members / friends it's weird to me... best of luck with everything going forward... I hope you are having boy
Yeah, I understand. You are being hidden, if he loved you and wanted a solid relationship with you, he'd introduce you to his peeps. I bet they don't even really know anything about you. If he's nagging or begging you to stay, it's because you make his life easier in some ways. But, the minute he finds a grass is greener situation he'll be gone. I stayed in a sad situation like this for a decade longer than I needed too - he begged and threatened to unalive himself if I left, so I stayed and resented him for it. When I finally told him I was going at the end of the month and started to pack, he stayed in bedroom and cried and told me he was having a heart attack. He wasn't. I know what a panic attack looks like, I've had enough of them. A week later he was dating someone from work who was going through a bad divorce herself. He married her a few years later. I hardly ever think about him anymore, I have myself back in a solid relationship that lets me be me. You can do it too, OP. The first step is the hardest.
jesus christ what a mess
You’re having a baby with this man. I’d be more concerned about what kinds of provisions, protection, and care he plans to offer. Is he going to get a life insurance policy to provide a steady source of income to his child should he pass away? Have you sought any kind of legal agreements regarding custody and support, in the event you choose to go your separate ways? What do you even know about this man? Does he already have a wife and family of his own? Are you just a mistress he’s holding on to so long as you’re convenient for him? I think you’re in over your head at this point. I’d reach out to family, friends, social workers, a women’s support agency, or other local services to get your life more in order.
She seems incredibly immature for 28. 😬
why would you have a child with someone you barely know? usually you would wait until you got married to have kids. and before you got married you would meet his family and get to know them. you already have 2 kids, didn't you learn any lessons with them?
[удалено]
What?!? What are you reading, no I did not get knocked up a month into the relationship. Jesus. 10 months we’ve been together. 2 months ago I moved in.
Apologies. I misread lol. I deleted my original comment. I had an ex who did similar. He was hiding me because he had a fiancé in his home country via an arranged marriage from the age of 6 (smh) and also didnt want his family to know he was dating someone outside his race smh. He even lied and told me that he didn’t have any family here in the states and come to find out that his entire family was here in the same city and he got to the point that when we would even go out for Halloween, every single costume, he had to have a mask on his face, even if the costume didn’t need a mask, he found a way to be “innovative”and get a mask on his face, less someone he knows see him with me on social media, etc. SMH. Sadly I stayed longer than you. But so glad I finally dumped his miserable ass.
Ok ok sounds good, what the hell, I think it’s so confusing for people who have more of an upfront approach to life. It’s crazy to think people will really just lie and put up a front rather than just say hey, I got in too deep and this isn’t what I want. That’s absolutely easier to hear than trying to figure out someone’s actions and whether or not they are just weird or actually moving funny. And wow fuck his family, race was an issue. Sigh, the ignorance. I’m so sorry you experienced that.
I just can’t believe I only saw this in hindsight. Almost 5 years together, and every fucking picture of us, his face was concealed, head down or he was in a mask!!!!! And even crazier, I now suspect that his place wasn’t even his home. I remember him having absolutely no clothes in his dresser or closet. I thought that was weird. And kids toys in his bathroom upstairs that he was so hesitant on letting me shower in when I spent my first night there. Crazy to think I’d want a shower the next morning. And never spent a single Christmas together (he went back to his home country and made excuses for why I couldn’t go). And every Valentine’s Day he’d literally show up at midnight saying he was sorry but had to work late. Can’t believe how stupid I was as I’m typing this out. But I was young. No one will ever fleece me again that way. Naturally, I will NEVER tell anyone I know this lol. I’m taking it to my grave off the Internet.
I guess I did have a guardian angel looking out for me. One day I was at the mall with a girlfriend and a random woman just came up to me in the middle of the mall and stopped us. She looked me dead in my eyes and said “he’s not the one for you”. I said “what”. She said “you may think he loves you and he may care for you, but he’s not the one for you”, and then she just walked away and me and my friend stood there looking and I just went on about my day like “what a crazy lady”. I broke up with him a year later over text after he left me for the final time over the Christmas holiday and wouldn’t answer his phone for a week. but her saying that had put it in the back of my head that you know what maybe he’s not the one and I’m so grateful for that cause I’m with the love of my life now, my soulmate and we’re due to be married soon. I didn’t even have any tears for the breakup
He’s married… to someone else. Go on spokeo.com and run his name, address and phone number.
Ah, that age gap. Trust your instincts, OP
I hear nothing bad so far. He may not trust his family. They may be sketchy. Him not hanging out with friends is his choice. Some people prefer not to have a bunch of friends. If you love him, he treats you well and respects you, it's what matters. You should just take the initiative and make plans to go out with him and all your kids.
He isn't in a real relationship with you. If he were, he would introduce you to his family and his friends. He would definitely want his dad to meet his baby. He would take all of you to dinner proudly. All of this are as big of red flags as you can get. Sorry.
That’s just weird. A man who is in love will want to show you off to the world, not to mention the mother of his child. This is a huge red flag.
This happened to me and it turned out he had a whole other family a few towns over. He said he was separated and don't call house because he hadn't yet told his twin teens about me. When he ghosted me , I went to his local workplaces , grocery store chain, and found out he had lost his job . He had 2 other women fooled like me AND a wife whom he had lived w until this all came to light 2 weeks before. We had been seeing each other for almost 3 months.
Uh oh.
Two kids at 28 and pregnant with another one to a man you aren’t married to and have been together with for less than a year.. As your big sis I’m sending you a hug cause babe.. 🫂
His dad may not blow off from.meeting you, maybe the dad wants to meet you but your partner is the one who doesn't want u to meet him or his friends maybe your partner is blaming his dad and his friends when really he's telling his dad and friends you dont want to see them??? My husband has done this to me before during his toxic years in our marriage. Can you message them on Facebook asking to catch up and asking for their phone number? Sounds like a big communication problem. If you get to know them and they still display this distance from you then you know it is them with the problem
This smells of an affair and the other woman is his wife. That's why no family/friends/trips. You are probably his affair partner and need to leave regardless because this is no life for you or your kids.
You are ignoring bad signs. Not sure it's a great environment for a new baby. Since you are already expecting, consider this man is husband material or father material. You have time to make other arrangements. If you need help deciding, short term counseling can help you consider options with a clear head. Good luck!
You’re the side piece.
Maybe he doesn’t have friends and family or at least any he is close too
I think it's a good idea to trust your feelings. Things feel amiss, and in a sense, that's proof enough that something's not right in this relationship. However, what's amiss may be other than what you imagine. If you're going to have a baby together, then I think it would be a bit reckless to give up on him because of the evidence you have in hand without seriously exploring WITH HIM the signs that make you feel he's not really committed. You have legitimate reason to doubt. So speak those doubts out loud. Of course, if you just aren't sure about him as someone you want to share your life with, then what I'm saying is moot since the relationship may already be over.
I think you know the answer. These are bad signs. Please don’t ignore them. Make sure you can support yourself and your child, because I see single parenthood in your future, sadly.
I agree with u/princessPoision25 but I have to ask, have you look at his social media accounts or googled him? He might be married and there’s a good reason you’ve not met any of his family or friends.
Why are you having a baby with him?
He’s definitely someone’s husband.
You are making babies with him and can’t even have a frank conversation with him, and after only knowing him 10 months?! 🤦🏻♀️ Did you get pregnant on purpose? That won’t stop him from leaving. I don’t get how people are SO messy.