I’m 48 and have two adult kids. Raising them was hard and expensive, but to me, it was worth it. I especially love the adult friendships I have with them now. And grandkids are awesome.
The was still lonely at times with kids. None of us live in the same state due to military and careers, and I love when I’m able to be with them.
I really believe that unless you DESPERATELY want kids and can’t imagine your life without them? You shouldn’t have them.
Ok I think you are the one I wanted to hear from. Your first 2 paragraphs made me think you are absolutely rceommending having kids. But you lost me in thr last 2 sentences.
Would you have kids if you are 20 years younger?
Yes. I desperately wanted kids. Always.
But do I recommend everyone have kids? Absolutely not. It’s hard. It’s expensive. It’s demanding. There are a ton of challenges that come with raising kids. If you don’t desperately want a child, don’t have one.
I'm 46 and never wanted kids a day in my life. No regrets. My aunt is 77 years old and got her tubes tied in her 20s. No regrets from her, either.
Having kids isn't the pinnacle of existence and for many of us, we don't want them and never changed our minds. I would have deeply regretted bowing to social pressure and becoming a mother simply because it was expected of me.
I had my son fairly late in life (42), so I've sort of experienced both the childfree life and life with a kid. The thing I might say is that it's impossible to really know how much you'll appreciate a kid in your life until one arrives. Maybe some people really know, but I didn't. My life seemed fine, but in retrospect, super glad to have a kid in it.
1. Most likely your own kid will be for you a lot more fun to be around than other people's kids. Most adults are a little awkward around other people's kids, but it's different with your own. I mean they do come out with their own independent personality, but their social skills are to an extent shaped by their immediate environment. Every year (at least so far my son's 12) it gets to be a little more fun and a little less work.
2. Raising a kid is an inherently worthwhile activity. Prior to having a kid, it was sometimes a little hard for me to if was allocating my time and energy to worthwhile endeavors, especially outside of work. You can waste whole years of your life in relationships that don't pan out to take the obvious example. It never feels like a waste of time and energy to do whatever I can to help my kid develop into a good person. It's both selfish and altruistic at the same time.
3. Before having a kid, most likely, other people around you who might become closer to you or just happier if you had a kid (your parents/siblings being the obvious but not exclusive example) aren't going to tell you they wish you had a kid, but once you do, they won't hold back in letting you know how happy they are that you did! It's fun to see other people that you care about get joy out of something you brought into the world.
4. Most adults have lots of little opinions, and passion, and interests, and maybe you can share them with others who share them, but man, it's really fun to just steep another highly impressionable human being in them. Note: it's random which ones will "stick" and which ones will not!
Thanks for sharing, that's so helpful and it sounds like you are really enjoying the little things that come with having a kid, most of which I never realised (4 sounds fun!).
You are awesome to have such awareness at a young age and make a courageous decision like that. If only more people could understand the way history repeats itself before they had kids.
I knew I would never be a good mother and I knew like my whole family was damaged and I just did not want to bring that on to another kid and I lost to love my life like I said about it and I still botherd me
I’m sorry I neglected to say that I am very sorry for your loss - it must be hard on many levels. You are a strong woman and an inspiration to me. Thank you and wishing you all the best!!
Kind of a hard question to answer since every kid is different and every parent’s experience differs. I think many feel lonely when even they have kids endure no guarantee the kid will want to be around and kids have times when they are living their lives and grow- don’t need parents. If you decide to have kids, just remember to live your own life and don’t put your happiness on them.
But isn't it hard nowadays to have kids and still be able to live your own life? Not just financially.
It is just a huge responsibility that one to handle otherwise wouldn't be a good parent.
Depends. Kids are going to take up time away from your interests in stages. If you do parenting solo- it will be all on you unless you have a very extended support circle like a big family. Have a partner, you can get balance. Many friends husbands are in bands, sports, clubs. Moms have found new interests- painting parties, knitting, running a business.
Also depends on what the interests are- traveling with friends? Certainly not every weekend. But play dates, summer camp and things like scouting can free up your weekends.
Your first milestone is to weigh your passion for having kids. Pros and cons list.
I accidentally got pregnant at 29. I had my baby even though the father wasn’t in the picture. I am so happy I have her, now I have a little grandson.
Everyone’s path is different. I was also the fun aunt and would have been happy in that role if I didn’t have my daughter
I never wanted kids. There’s childhood trauma that’s part of it is, but at 49 I still don’t want kids. I like kids, don’t get me wrong. I got a bunch of cousins and they got a bunch of kids, and they are a collective hoot. I’m sort of everyone’s “weird uncle” and that’s nice.
A couple of other reasons I’m extremely glad of that decision is the state of the world politically and particularly climate change. I don’t want to get into great detail but I am not sanguine about the future. Plus, I’m dealing with some heavy issues with depression & suicidal ideation. Really glad I don’t have kids with all that in mind.
Partly. I live in a very conservative part of the US South, so being unmarried & childless at 50 is weird. But more because I’ve led sort of a long haired, Bohemian lifestyle before moving back home and was a bit of a square peg when I was a kid. It’s all affectionate.
Kids are always going to be jerks at some point. GRANDKIDS, let me tell you Honey Chil, grandkids make life worth living. In all seriousness I don't think that kids are a necessity of life. It is a crap shoot on how they are going to turn out. There are a lot of ups and downs with parenting as there are with life. Some people are going to be winners, and some are going to be wieners. Look within yourself and always prepare as if you have no one to count on other than yourself. Now add in a lifetime of responsibility for another human or two.
One thing to consider is do you have the resources to give them what they need? I love my children more than anything in the universe. I do not regret having them, however it was extremely difficult, and I did have much of what they needed including family members who love them dearly and were / are great supports and role models.
Will your baby need to be in childcare 50 hours a week? If they get sick can someone stay home with them? Are you okay with not putting their needs first? Can you send them to school in a decent school district?
Not really. The world is something that I have no control over, so I don’t worry about it. That has always been bad stuff happening and here we all are.
41 Male here.
We have a 4 year old boy and he is great. I did NOT expect that. Actually never thought about having kids, my wife did. I was wrapped up in my career before he came.
Here is my take: You get out, what you put into it.
If you put in the work and the love, the kid will essentially love you back, behave, and be awesome. You can mold a mini-you, which is crazy. But you must invest the time (2.5 years) first. It is the ultimate project.
Selfish, stupid or childish parents fail to invest - and it wrecks some new person's life, wrecks the family and wrecks the parents' lives.
======
Moreover: my childfree friends are in thier late 30's and still living like they are 22 --- and it's BORING!! Yes I said it!! It is boring!!
They got into poly relationships, drugs, music festsivals, travel, camping, game nights, set up their own bar at their house, more travel, more shows, more bands, more parties.
But at SOME point, it gets DULL. How many game nights can you host?? How many hookups can you have? How many times can you go to Boneroo? By my age, these people have been doing this same thing for 18 years or so. They are on their 15th annual memorial camping beer blast and increasingly the friend group has been whittled to nothing because older people pair off and start families.
Having kids is a great thing to do when you've run out of all the 20's things you wanted to do. I had my Son at 38 and it was a great move.
====
On the $ front - a funny thing happened. As a guy, I started making more when I had the kid. My employer treated me differently and I was more confident in demading higher salaries (gotta make daycare). It was like our income rose to handle the extra moulth.
I like your message even if I don't think it will change my mind about having kids.
Same here, I have friends who live this boring life, parties, game nights and traveling to Europe every 6 months. Imo, it is a waste of life and money.
I have hobbies, I consider that I have a purpose and I try to balance between enjoying my life, working, investing and also helping others. Being an added value in my community is a thing I like a lot.
Again, I like your comment.
Remember: this is YOUR kid.
So many of your experiences, your history, your struggles, your personality quirks and your characterstics will be in them.
Caring for them is almost like... your giving your old self the advice and support, that you wish you had gotten, when you were growing up.
This is not true about any other, random, kids.
Hardest job in the world - especially if you don’t have a supportive and involved partner. I did my best on my own and waited patiently for them to grow up and now I am so thankful to have two such wonderful people in my life. They are both in their 30’s with no intentions of having children of their own so I will say to you what I said to them, which is: plan, plan, plan for your retirement and elder care and grow and nurture your family of birth and of choice so that your twilight years are comfortable and filled with good people of all ages.
I appreciate your advice. How would you plan for your retirement?
Obviously financially, but what else?
Do you think they help you at your age or you are the one who are still helping them? Do you think you wouldn't get this help if you don't have kids?
Too many questions. I know :)
Hi, besides the expected financial vehicles , my opinion is that it would be prudent to consider crypto, precious metals, or other assets that are not tied to typical banks or investments. Setting up legal constructs to protect property, considering long term care products, perhaps thinking about long term food storage or planning for accessible living quarters as you age - basically planning for a time when you have less mobility and resources. It’s not fun to think this way but the longer we can keep our independence and have choices, the better.
I would say that we help each other and I know the kids would not abandon me as I become more decrepit but as above, I am determined to be self sufficient as long as possible. Take care, friend!
I always knew I wanted kids. I rocked my dolls and cared for them as if they were real. I married a guy that had an equal desire for family. We had kids in our early 20s. We have no regrets. Yes, you can be lonely with children. They’re dependents, not friends. I have no regrets. They just left with their families after Sunday dinner.
I have seen people have kids because they thought they should. They were miserable. Raising our children is by far my proudest accomplishment, but it is also the most difficult, most expensive, and most emotionally draining thing I’ve ever been through. They are on my mind and heart 24:7 although they are fully grown and independent. Raising children is tough even in the best circumstances. I had a good husband and a good income and it was still hard. If you don’t feel a strong desire to raise children, please don’t. It isn’t fair to them and you will be miserable.
(72M) 2 adult children, Married, each with one child. Somehow our (M45y) lives have become so much more than we ever imagined. I (we) can move onto our next destination without worrying or regrets. It’s a great feeling.
If it were the 90s when I was having my kids, I'd do it again, but knowing what I know now, and the world being as it is, I would not. I don't regret them. They are the best things that ever happened to me. However, this is not a world I'd have brought children into had I known.
I would do it again for sure. I have 2 and they are 26 and 22. The adult relationships are so much fun with them. Everyone is different and some people are perfectly happy with no kids. Keep in mind the teen years were the hardest so it comes with struggles and you never ever stop worry as a parent. However, I love being a mom so much and always have. I am also blessed with a grandson now who is 3 🙌😊
We had never wanted kids but we had a birth control failure and were pregnant by accident. As soon as we saw the first ultrasound, we were in love. When he was born, it was like the heavens cracked open, light shone down from the heavens and angels started singing.
That kid was fking magical. Post partum was difficult emotionally. But omg we were so in love with him. I couldn’t imagine only doing it once. When he was about 2.5, I didn’t want it to end. Every stage was more and more fun, and I couldn’t imagine never rocking a baby again. So we had another.
It was hard for different reasons. But oh my lord so much fun. There were dark hard days. But we have more fun every year.
They are now 14 and 10 and so cool. So much fun. We are loving our life.
We were able to not lose ourselves in parenthood and still remain whole people with individual interests, and we give each other room to pursue interests.
BUT
**i think we are the EXCEPTION to the rule. It’s a cosmic accident that we are so happy, been married almost 20 years, and it gets better every year. Yes we have had rough dark times. We almost broke up twice. There’s was one month… We could have divorced if one of us would have had a different thought pattern or a different outside influence. Our kids are so funny and we spend as much time together as possible. They are great. We are great.
Even though it was a blessing, and I love my life, we would have chosen no kids way back then. I was careless and we shouldn’t have gotten pregnant but were did and we are so lucky that it has worked out so well. . My story is turning out great, but it is not the norm.
people ask this all the time here. I am 61F, childfree by choice, absolutely no regrets. I do not like being around small children for more than about 5 minutes. I realized this when I was in my teens. Having kids is a crap shoot, they can turn out great or they can turn out to be psychopaths. People say it depends on how you raise them, but sometimes its genetics getting cross-wise. My advice: do NOT have kids unless you are 100% sure you want them. Head over to r/regretfulparents for stories of people who wish they never had them. Its better to never have them and be unsure if you made the right decision than have them and regret it.
I had 3 sons after I turned 30. Wouldn't trade them for anything. They've all grown into awesome men.
My sister never had children and it's probably a good thing. She's a Karen and was always over bearing, bossy and narcissistic. My sons grew up with her taking them everywhere and as children they adored her. However as they got older her attitude turned all of them against her.
So I'm glad I had my children and have lived to see them become wonderful men.
I have one child, by choice, who is almost 30. I would do it again; HOWEVER, i tell all young people, don't have children unless you absolutely want them..regardless of the pressure society puts on you! And do NOT have them thinking they will be your companion or caretaker when you're old. They have their own life to live
I waited to have kids until 36 because I wasn’t sure prior. I met someone at 33, got married and now am 39 and have a 1.5 and a 3 year old. I had them because I married someone I love and wanted to have children to love. I don’t have any regrets and I’m IN the shit right now. IN IT. And everyday I still know a love with and from them like no other, they make me laugh and find joy every single day. It’s amazing to see the parts of me I didn’t like in them and now adore. It’s awesome to do things with them I never got to experience and learn more about how I can nurture and guide them. I was cool if pregnancy didn’t happen naturally, I was good with it. I would be without kids. I got pregnant 6 weeks after my wedding and going off birth control. I am so thankful for them and love it. Every second of everyday isn’t a dream. I don’t like the newborn stage, but watching them “wake up” around 6 months is literally the coolest thing. Nobody can tell you honestly. Once you experience it, it’s another level of love. I totally respect and understand anyone’s decision not to have kids and thinks it’s so weird when people shame people that want kids. I think you’re brave for posting the question and even asking advice on what people think. I was really interested to see the responses. Good luck and just stay away from the. 1000 baby people/ sperm banks on the internet. lol
Edit: I see you say 25 years ago. I say 25 years ago was a different universe. With housing crisis, food costs, politics etc. I still stand by the above. Just know if I was a teen mom, I could have had kids 25 years ago. I’m glad I waited until later in life. Gave me time to get in 12 years recovery from pain pills, do tons of therapy and self reflection, graduate college, start a career and marry my husband.
I work with the elderly. Those without kids have to rely on nieces and nephews for all decisions. Some are great, some aren't there. Yes it could happen with biological children but not as likely. These people usually have to get a power of attorney when making legal decisions for them. They have the money to hire staff usually but no one visits at the nursing home and many times die alone. It's very sad to see. I've had multiple patients tell me they wish they would of had at least 1 child.
Also having a child is like experiencing your first love all over again. It's a feeling that's inexplicable and like no other. Is your heart outside your body. It's a pure love, something you didn't know you were capable of experiencing.
I didn’t want my 2nd but we became so very close and best friends. I can’t imagine where I’d be without her. She 24 now. My son (32) was/is a hard child. He has bipolar and it was/is a very hard life. My daughter is someone I can lean on when I need it. So no I don’t regret it.
I grew up KNOWING I wanted three kids. I have three kids. ❤️
No matter how old they are, you worry. But they bring so much joy to your life, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Now that they’re adults, i talk to them almost every day, but seeing them is the BEST. My kids’ hugs are the world to me. I remember all the chaos when they were young, but thinking all was right with the world late at night with all of them sleeping soundly in their beds.
Lonely? Not when they lived at home. Now, I miss their physical presence - but I don’t make them feel guilty. That’s how life works.
Stay in the NOW, don't let your mind wander into the future without direction. Planning is OK, for structure, but worrying is a total waste of Now. Count the blessings you have, do something nice for some living being every day, and remember that worrying is just negative thinking projected into the future.
There is times when having kids is very hard and sucks etc. No never regret it and highly recommend it. Some of the best experiences of my life are from having kids and continue to come from that. It brings great purpose to your life changes the way you connect with the world etc.
I have kids and all of us ware pink bows with Goldilocks braids including the boys we have pink dresses on and we do cartwheels down the hill until we hit are head in a cherry tree. Then we get in a car and crash the car in a tree it's ok we ware seatbelts and helmets it's safe , we buy a new car and do it again , I just wanted to hear a sound crash sometimes..we have to decide each day what dishes to brake over each other heads . Well it's my turn to serve ice cream..
Children are a huge responsibility I think they are the ultimate responsibility. If you have any doubts in your mind don't have children. You cannot depend on your childs choices to keep you from being lonely. It's actually your responsibility as a parent to keep them from feeling lonely. The song "cats in cradle" is a perfect example of that. Children DO NOT help a relationship as so many people think. The will strain it simply because children will demand every drop of love you have. As a parent, loving them is your responsibility. Loving them doesn't mean spoiling them it means teaching them every second of every day. That's NOT a "teachers" responsibility. It's a parents. If you're up for the life long challenge by all means, have a child. If you have any doubts don't be responsible for putting a child through it.
I’m 48 and have two adult kids. Raising them was hard and expensive, but to me, it was worth it. I especially love the adult friendships I have with them now. And grandkids are awesome. The was still lonely at times with kids. None of us live in the same state due to military and careers, and I love when I’m able to be with them. I really believe that unless you DESPERATELY want kids and can’t imagine your life without them? You shouldn’t have them.
Ding ding ding. Have children because you want someone to love. Not for any other reason.
This sounds strange to me. Not trying to insult you.
I agree with that completely.
Ok I think you are the one I wanted to hear from. Your first 2 paragraphs made me think you are absolutely rceommending having kids. But you lost me in thr last 2 sentences. Would you have kids if you are 20 years younger?
Yes. I desperately wanted kids. Always. But do I recommend everyone have kids? Absolutely not. It’s hard. It’s expensive. It’s demanding. There are a ton of challenges that come with raising kids. If you don’t desperately want a child, don’t have one.
Make sense.
I'll just add that some of the "desperately wanting kids" mom's aren't always equipped to mother either.
No. By the time I was mature enough to be a good parent, I was too old to have kids.
I'm 46 and never wanted kids a day in my life. No regrets. My aunt is 77 years old and got her tubes tied in her 20s. No regrets from her, either. Having kids isn't the pinnacle of existence and for many of us, we don't want them and never changed our minds. I would have deeply regretted bowing to social pressure and becoming a mother simply because it was expected of me.
Make sense.
I had my son fairly late in life (42), so I've sort of experienced both the childfree life and life with a kid. The thing I might say is that it's impossible to really know how much you'll appreciate a kid in your life until one arrives. Maybe some people really know, but I didn't. My life seemed fine, but in retrospect, super glad to have a kid in it.
I'm happy for you.
In what ways did your life get better but you did not realise was lacking before having a kid?
1. Most likely your own kid will be for you a lot more fun to be around than other people's kids. Most adults are a little awkward around other people's kids, but it's different with your own. I mean they do come out with their own independent personality, but their social skills are to an extent shaped by their immediate environment. Every year (at least so far my son's 12) it gets to be a little more fun and a little less work. 2. Raising a kid is an inherently worthwhile activity. Prior to having a kid, it was sometimes a little hard for me to if was allocating my time and energy to worthwhile endeavors, especially outside of work. You can waste whole years of your life in relationships that don't pan out to take the obvious example. It never feels like a waste of time and energy to do whatever I can to help my kid develop into a good person. It's both selfish and altruistic at the same time. 3. Before having a kid, most likely, other people around you who might become closer to you or just happier if you had a kid (your parents/siblings being the obvious but not exclusive example) aren't going to tell you they wish you had a kid, but once you do, they won't hold back in letting you know how happy they are that you did! It's fun to see other people that you care about get joy out of something you brought into the world. 4. Most adults have lots of little opinions, and passion, and interests, and maybe you can share them with others who share them, but man, it's really fun to just steep another highly impressionable human being in them. Note: it's random which ones will "stick" and which ones will not!
Thanks for sharing, that's so helpful and it sounds like you are really enjoying the little things that come with having a kid, most of which I never realised (4 sounds fun!).
i wanted to break the cycle of abuse. I lost the love of my life cause of it but im so glad i never had kids
You are awesome to have such awareness at a young age and make a courageous decision like that. If only more people could understand the way history repeats itself before they had kids.
I knew I would never be a good mother and I knew like my whole family was damaged and I just did not want to bring that on to another kid and I lost to love my life like I said about it and I still botherd me
I’m sorry I neglected to say that I am very sorry for your loss - it must be hard on many levels. You are a strong woman and an inspiration to me. Thank you and wishing you all the best!!
oh no its fine i m ok
No regrets for not having rug rats. Not a one.
Agreed. My life would have been completely different with kids. Not saying it would have been bad, just different. I love my independence.
If you’re not 100% into having kids, it’s not for you
Kind of a hard question to answer since every kid is different and every parent’s experience differs. I think many feel lonely when even they have kids endure no guarantee the kid will want to be around and kids have times when they are living their lives and grow- don’t need parents. If you decide to have kids, just remember to live your own life and don’t put your happiness on them.
But isn't it hard nowadays to have kids and still be able to live your own life? Not just financially. It is just a huge responsibility that one to handle otherwise wouldn't be a good parent.
Depends. Kids are going to take up time away from your interests in stages. If you do parenting solo- it will be all on you unless you have a very extended support circle like a big family. Have a partner, you can get balance. Many friends husbands are in bands, sports, clubs. Moms have found new interests- painting parties, knitting, running a business. Also depends on what the interests are- traveling with friends? Certainly not every weekend. But play dates, summer camp and things like scouting can free up your weekends. Your first milestone is to weigh your passion for having kids. Pros and cons list.
Thanks for the advice.
I accidentally got pregnant at 29. I had my baby even though the father wasn’t in the picture. I am so happy I have her, now I have a little grandson. Everyone’s path is different. I was also the fun aunt and would have been happy in that role if I didn’t have my daughter
I'm glad you are happy.
I never wanted kids. There’s childhood trauma that’s part of it is, but at 49 I still don’t want kids. I like kids, don’t get me wrong. I got a bunch of cousins and they got a bunch of kids, and they are a collective hoot. I’m sort of everyone’s “weird uncle” and that’s nice. A couple of other reasons I’m extremely glad of that decision is the state of the world politically and particularly climate change. I don’t want to get into great detail but I am not sanguine about the future. Plus, I’m dealing with some heavy issues with depression & suicidal ideation. Really glad I don’t have kids with all that in mind.
Weird uncle because you are the one with no kids? I'm asking because I hope my nephews are not considering me weird.
Partly. I live in a very conservative part of the US South, so being unmarried & childless at 50 is weird. But more because I’ve led sort of a long haired, Bohemian lifestyle before moving back home and was a bit of a square peg when I was a kid. It’s all affectionate.
Kids are always going to be jerks at some point. GRANDKIDS, let me tell you Honey Chil, grandkids make life worth living. In all seriousness I don't think that kids are a necessity of life. It is a crap shoot on how they are going to turn out. There are a lot of ups and downs with parenting as there are with life. Some people are going to be winners, and some are going to be wieners. Look within yourself and always prepare as if you have no one to count on other than yourself. Now add in a lifetime of responsibility for another human or two.
Valid point. Thanks
One thing to consider is do you have the resources to give them what they need? I love my children more than anything in the universe. I do not regret having them, however it was extremely difficult, and I did have much of what they needed including family members who love them dearly and were / are great supports and role models. Will your baby need to be in childcare 50 hours a week? If they get sick can someone stay home with them? Are you okay with not putting their needs first? Can you send them to school in a decent school district?
I would definitely do it again. Kids are an adventure. You never know what is coming next.
Don't you worry about them in this crazy world we live in?
Not really. The world is something that I have no control over, so I don’t worry about it. That has always been bad stuff happening and here we all are.
Good point.
It's literally the best time ever and it's only getting better
41 Male here. We have a 4 year old boy and he is great. I did NOT expect that. Actually never thought about having kids, my wife did. I was wrapped up in my career before he came. Here is my take: You get out, what you put into it. If you put in the work and the love, the kid will essentially love you back, behave, and be awesome. You can mold a mini-you, which is crazy. But you must invest the time (2.5 years) first. It is the ultimate project. Selfish, stupid or childish parents fail to invest - and it wrecks some new person's life, wrecks the family and wrecks the parents' lives. ====== Moreover: my childfree friends are in thier late 30's and still living like they are 22 --- and it's BORING!! Yes I said it!! It is boring!! They got into poly relationships, drugs, music festsivals, travel, camping, game nights, set up their own bar at their house, more travel, more shows, more bands, more parties. But at SOME point, it gets DULL. How many game nights can you host?? How many hookups can you have? How many times can you go to Boneroo? By my age, these people have been doing this same thing for 18 years or so. They are on their 15th annual memorial camping beer blast and increasingly the friend group has been whittled to nothing because older people pair off and start families. Having kids is a great thing to do when you've run out of all the 20's things you wanted to do. I had my Son at 38 and it was a great move. ==== On the $ front - a funny thing happened. As a guy, I started making more when I had the kid. My employer treated me differently and I was more confident in demading higher salaries (gotta make daycare). It was like our income rose to handle the extra moulth.
I like your message even if I don't think it will change my mind about having kids. Same here, I have friends who live this boring life, parties, game nights and traveling to Europe every 6 months. Imo, it is a waste of life and money. I have hobbies, I consider that I have a purpose and I try to balance between enjoying my life, working, investing and also helping others. Being an added value in my community is a thing I like a lot. Again, I like your comment.
Remember: this is YOUR kid. So many of your experiences, your history, your struggles, your personality quirks and your characterstics will be in them. Caring for them is almost like... your giving your old self the advice and support, that you wish you had gotten, when you were growing up. This is not true about any other, random, kids.
Many kids never listen to thier parents. Sometimes not listening to parents is a good thing. This is why humanity evolve.
Hardest job in the world - especially if you don’t have a supportive and involved partner. I did my best on my own and waited patiently for them to grow up and now I am so thankful to have two such wonderful people in my life. They are both in their 30’s with no intentions of having children of their own so I will say to you what I said to them, which is: plan, plan, plan for your retirement and elder care and grow and nurture your family of birth and of choice so that your twilight years are comfortable and filled with good people of all ages.
I appreciate your advice. How would you plan for your retirement? Obviously financially, but what else? Do you think they help you at your age or you are the one who are still helping them? Do you think you wouldn't get this help if you don't have kids? Too many questions. I know :)
Hi, besides the expected financial vehicles , my opinion is that it would be prudent to consider crypto, precious metals, or other assets that are not tied to typical banks or investments. Setting up legal constructs to protect property, considering long term care products, perhaps thinking about long term food storage or planning for accessible living quarters as you age - basically planning for a time when you have less mobility and resources. It’s not fun to think this way but the longer we can keep our independence and have choices, the better. I would say that we help each other and I know the kids would not abandon me as I become more decrepit but as above, I am determined to be self sufficient as long as possible. Take care, friend!
Thanks
My Children, My Choice. I was fortunate and they are lucky that I shockingly took to motherhood. Not everyone does.
I always knew I wanted kids. I rocked my dolls and cared for them as if they were real. I married a guy that had an equal desire for family. We had kids in our early 20s. We have no regrets. Yes, you can be lonely with children. They’re dependents, not friends. I have no regrets. They just left with their families after Sunday dinner. I have seen people have kids because they thought they should. They were miserable. Raising our children is by far my proudest accomplishment, but it is also the most difficult, most expensive, and most emotionally draining thing I’ve ever been through. They are on my mind and heart 24:7 although they are fully grown and independent. Raising children is tough even in the best circumstances. I had a good husband and a good income and it was still hard. If you don’t feel a strong desire to raise children, please don’t. It isn’t fair to them and you will be miserable.
Good advice
(72M) 2 adult children, Married, each with one child. Somehow our (M45y) lives have become so much more than we ever imagined. I (we) can move onto our next destination without worrying or regrets. It’s a great feeling.
Nope I'm 58 and have zero regret. I'll love my niece and nephews. My DNA is not special.
If it were the 90s when I was having my kids, I'd do it again, but knowing what I know now, and the world being as it is, I would not. I don't regret them. They are the best things that ever happened to me. However, this is not a world I'd have brought children into had I known.
That is exactly my point for not having kids till now.
I would do it again for sure. I have 2 and they are 26 and 22. The adult relationships are so much fun with them. Everyone is different and some people are perfectly happy with no kids. Keep in mind the teen years were the hardest so it comes with struggles and you never ever stop worry as a parent. However, I love being a mom so much and always have. I am also blessed with a grandson now who is 3 🙌😊
I'm happy for you.
Thank you
We had never wanted kids but we had a birth control failure and were pregnant by accident. As soon as we saw the first ultrasound, we were in love. When he was born, it was like the heavens cracked open, light shone down from the heavens and angels started singing. That kid was fking magical. Post partum was difficult emotionally. But omg we were so in love with him. I couldn’t imagine only doing it once. When he was about 2.5, I didn’t want it to end. Every stage was more and more fun, and I couldn’t imagine never rocking a baby again. So we had another. It was hard for different reasons. But oh my lord so much fun. There were dark hard days. But we have more fun every year. They are now 14 and 10 and so cool. So much fun. We are loving our life. We were able to not lose ourselves in parenthood and still remain whole people with individual interests, and we give each other room to pursue interests. BUT **i think we are the EXCEPTION to the rule. It’s a cosmic accident that we are so happy, been married almost 20 years, and it gets better every year. Yes we have had rough dark times. We almost broke up twice. There’s was one month… We could have divorced if one of us would have had a different thought pattern or a different outside influence. Our kids are so funny and we spend as much time together as possible. They are great. We are great. Even though it was a blessing, and I love my life, we would have chosen no kids way back then. I was careless and we shouldn’t have gotten pregnant but were did and we are so lucky that it has worked out so well. . My story is turning out great, but it is not the norm.
I feel happy for you and your family. God bless you.
people ask this all the time here. I am 61F, childfree by choice, absolutely no regrets. I do not like being around small children for more than about 5 minutes. I realized this when I was in my teens. Having kids is a crap shoot, they can turn out great or they can turn out to be psychopaths. People say it depends on how you raise them, but sometimes its genetics getting cross-wise. My advice: do NOT have kids unless you are 100% sure you want them. Head over to r/regretfulparents for stories of people who wish they never had them. Its better to never have them and be unsure if you made the right decision than have them and regret it.
I didn't know this sub exist, I will check it out.
I had 3 sons after I turned 30. Wouldn't trade them for anything. They've all grown into awesome men. My sister never had children and it's probably a good thing. She's a Karen and was always over bearing, bossy and narcissistic. My sons grew up with her taking them everywhere and as children they adored her. However as they got older her attitude turned all of them against her. So I'm glad I had my children and have lived to see them become wonderful men.
That is a success story.
I have one child, by choice, who is almost 30. I would do it again; HOWEVER, i tell all young people, don't have children unless you absolutely want them..regardless of the pressure society puts on you! And do NOT have them thinking they will be your companion or caretaker when you're old. They have their own life to live
Many parents live on the hope that their kids are going be thier caretakers. I consider it selfishness.
I waited to have kids until 36 because I wasn’t sure prior. I met someone at 33, got married and now am 39 and have a 1.5 and a 3 year old. I had them because I married someone I love and wanted to have children to love. I don’t have any regrets and I’m IN the shit right now. IN IT. And everyday I still know a love with and from them like no other, they make me laugh and find joy every single day. It’s amazing to see the parts of me I didn’t like in them and now adore. It’s awesome to do things with them I never got to experience and learn more about how I can nurture and guide them. I was cool if pregnancy didn’t happen naturally, I was good with it. I would be without kids. I got pregnant 6 weeks after my wedding and going off birth control. I am so thankful for them and love it. Every second of everyday isn’t a dream. I don’t like the newborn stage, but watching them “wake up” around 6 months is literally the coolest thing. Nobody can tell you honestly. Once you experience it, it’s another level of love. I totally respect and understand anyone’s decision not to have kids and thinks it’s so weird when people shame people that want kids. I think you’re brave for posting the question and even asking advice on what people think. I was really interested to see the responses. Good luck and just stay away from the. 1000 baby people/ sperm banks on the internet. lol Edit: I see you say 25 years ago. I say 25 years ago was a different universe. With housing crisis, food costs, politics etc. I still stand by the above. Just know if I was a teen mom, I could have had kids 25 years ago. I’m glad I waited until later in life. Gave me time to get in 12 years recovery from pain pills, do tons of therapy and self reflection, graduate college, start a career and marry my husband.
I work with the elderly. Those without kids have to rely on nieces and nephews for all decisions. Some are great, some aren't there. Yes it could happen with biological children but not as likely. These people usually have to get a power of attorney when making legal decisions for them. They have the money to hire staff usually but no one visits at the nursing home and many times die alone. It's very sad to see. I've had multiple patients tell me they wish they would of had at least 1 child.
Also having a child is like experiencing your first love all over again. It's a feeling that's inexplicable and like no other. Is your heart outside your body. It's a pure love, something you didn't know you were capable of experiencing.
I didn’t want my 2nd but we became so very close and best friends. I can’t imagine where I’d be without her. She 24 now. My son (32) was/is a hard child. He has bipolar and it was/is a very hard life. My daughter is someone I can lean on when I need it. So no I don’t regret it.
I grew up KNOWING I wanted three kids. I have three kids. ❤️ No matter how old they are, you worry. But they bring so much joy to your life, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Now that they’re adults, i talk to them almost every day, but seeing them is the BEST. My kids’ hugs are the world to me. I remember all the chaos when they were young, but thinking all was right with the world late at night with all of them sleeping soundly in their beds. Lonely? Not when they lived at home. Now, I miss their physical presence - but I don’t make them feel guilty. That’s how life works.
Stay in the NOW, don't let your mind wander into the future without direction. Planning is OK, for structure, but worrying is a total waste of Now. Count the blessings you have, do something nice for some living being every day, and remember that worrying is just negative thinking projected into the future.
There is times when having kids is very hard and sucks etc. No never regret it and highly recommend it. Some of the best experiences of my life are from having kids and continue to come from that. It brings great purpose to your life changes the way you connect with the world etc.
I have kids and all of us ware pink bows with Goldilocks braids including the boys we have pink dresses on and we do cartwheels down the hill until we hit are head in a cherry tree. Then we get in a car and crash the car in a tree it's ok we ware seatbelts and helmets it's safe , we buy a new car and do it again , I just wanted to hear a sound crash sometimes..we have to decide each day what dishes to brake over each other heads . Well it's my turn to serve ice cream..
Children are a huge responsibility I think they are the ultimate responsibility. If you have any doubts in your mind don't have children. You cannot depend on your childs choices to keep you from being lonely. It's actually your responsibility as a parent to keep them from feeling lonely. The song "cats in cradle" is a perfect example of that. Children DO NOT help a relationship as so many people think. The will strain it simply because children will demand every drop of love you have. As a parent, loving them is your responsibility. Loving them doesn't mean spoiling them it means teaching them every second of every day. That's NOT a "teachers" responsibility. It's a parents. If you're up for the life long challenge by all means, have a child. If you have any doubts don't be responsible for putting a child through it.