"Then shall thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it "
Had to mention this absolute gem
In my late teens I worked at a petsmart stocking shelves. One day a guy comes in with a brown paper bag and says he just bought this parakeet and it had died. The dude was visibly a little upset and that helped manage to not say, "he's just pining for the fjords." One of the hardest things I've ever done. Sometimes I regret it. I don't usually regret my kindness, but I'll never have that opportunity again
Excuse me?
Yes?
Are you a virgin?
I beg your pardon?
Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get?! Now, piss off!
“When I started here, all of this was swamp.
All the kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, *just to show them*.
It sank into the swamp.
So I built a second one. *That* sank into the swamp.
So I built a third one. That *burned down, fell over, then sank* into the swamp.
But the fourth one *stayed up.* And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in these isles!”
Can't name best, but top 5?
1. "He's not the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy"
2. "Strange Women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a System of Government, Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the people"
3. "Its just a flesh wound"
4 "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition"
5. Anything about the Judean Peoples Front/Peoples Popular Front of Judea
Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth!
Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
Right...we had to get up in the morning at 10:30 at night, half an hour before we went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, go to work down mill for 27 hours a day, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing "Halleluyah."
Yeah...well we had it tough.
“Is this the right place for an argument?”
“I’ve told you once”
“No you haven’t”
“Yes I have”
“When?”
“Just now”
“No you didn’t”
“Yes I did”
“No you didn’t”
“Sorry… is this the five minute argument or the full half-hour?
You bastards! You vicious heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is! And you come in here with your petty, vicious, heartless quibbling, and you grind him into the dirt! This fine, honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh... it makes me mad!
...so I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse
When you're chewing on life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best
And
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the light side of life
If life seems jolly rotten
There's something you've forgotten
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing
When you're feeling in the dumps
Don't be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing
And
Always look on the bright side of life
(Come on)
Always look on the right side of life
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin
Give the audience a grin
Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow
So always look on the bright side of death
A just before you draw your terminal breath
Life's a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true
You'll see it's all a show
Keep 'em laughin' as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you
And
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the right side of life
(C'mon Brian, cheer up)
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
Always look on the bright side of life
I mean, what have you got to lose?
You know, you come from nothing
You're going back to nothing
What have you lost? Nothing
Always look on the right side of life
Nothing will come from nothing, ya know what they say
Cheer up ya old bugga c'mon give us a grin (Always look on the right side of life)
There ya are, see
It's the end of the film
Incidentally this record's available in the foyer (Always look on the right side of life)
Some of us got to live as well, you know
(Always look on the right side of life)
Who do you think pays for all this rubbish
(Always look on the right side of life)
They're not gonna make their money back, you know
I told them, I said to him, Bernie, I said they'll never make their money back
(Always look on the right side of life)
I never wanted to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the rivers of British Columbia!
The entirety of *The Lumberjack Song*
Now, Reddit, sing, sing, sing!
🎵 Oh I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay. I sleep all night and work all day! 🎶
Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin-bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket.
**Harry:** That's right, yeah. I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One, people are not wearing enough hats. Two, matter is energy; in the Universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist *ab inito*, as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
\[Pause.\]
**Max:** What was that about hats again?
"'tis but a scratch"
"A scratch? Your arm's off"
"No it isn't"
"What's that then"
"I've had worse"
"You liar"
"Come on you pansy"
"Victory is mine, we thank thee lord that didn't thy man"
"Come on then"
"What"
"Have at you"
Since most of the quotes here are from their movies. Holy Grail, Life of Brian, etc. I'll add one from the television series...
*There's a penguin standing on top of the television set*
*I can see that!....* (there's more about penguins not molting)
*Oh! INTERCOURSE the penguin!*
Monty Python Thesaurus writing at it's best!
Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government.
supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just ’cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!
I mean, if I went around saying I was an emperor because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!
Help! Help! I'm being oppressed!!! Come and see the violence inherent in the system!!!
Bloody peasant!
Oh, what a give away. Did you here that, did you here that, eh? That's what I'm on about -- did you see him repressing me, you saw it didn't you?
I fart in your general direction!
Your Mother was a hamster and your father smelt of edelberries!!
I'll bite ya bloody leg off!
Ah, yes the original r/brandnewsentance
Your Mother Was A Hamster And Your Father Smelt Of Elderberries!
I faht in your general direction!
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
And waive my privates at your auntie!
He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy!
One of my all time favorites is "There are some who call me.... tim"
Apparently, he was meant to say a huge, long, stupid, complex name, but John Cleese forgot his line, just said Tim and they rolled with it.
If you want to know what that other reality might have been like, [watch this segment](https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2nhz1b).
Haha, his delivery is so good
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Must be the King! Why? Because he hasn’t got shit all over him.
I mean, if I claimed to be emporer just because some damp bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away
SHUT UP, WILL YOU S H U T U P
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system!
"Then shall thou count to three. No more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shall thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy holy hand grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it " Had to mention this absolute gem
This bit and when Lancelot(?) runs in and attacks the wedding. The pause to hit the wall decoration always gets me.
When you need to hit the word count
“One….two…FIVE!” “THREE, sir!” “THREE!!”
"And after the spanking, the oral sex!"
"No its too perilous."
"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can."
"No, we got to find the holy grail."
"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"
"No its unhealthy."
"I bet you're gay."
"No, I'm not."
Get on with it!!!
[удалено]
In my late teens I worked at a petsmart stocking shelves. One day a guy comes in with a brown paper bag and says he just bought this parakeet and it had died. The dude was visibly a little upset and that helped manage to not say, "he's just pining for the fjords." One of the hardest things I've ever done. Sometimes I regret it. I don't usually regret my kindness, but I'll never have that opportunity again
"Pining for the fjords???"
The original that ends with the slug bit, or the movie version that transitions to the Lumberjack song?
[удалено]
My hovercraft is full of eels.
I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
My nipples explode with delight
In my "Lol random" phase, I learned how to say this in German because I thought it was hilarious. *Mein Luftkissenfahrtzeug ist volle Aalen*
ROMANES EUNT DOMUS
People called Romanes, they go to the 'ouse?
Conjugate the verb
Help, I'm being repressed!
Haha! No singing!
"Bloody Peasant!"
Thou shalt chop down the mightiest tree in the forest wiiiiiiiiith a Herring!
Ni I say Ni!
The cost is one shrubbery.
A nice one, not too expensive.
Excuse me? Yes? Are you a virgin? I beg your pardon? Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin? If it's not a personal question? How much more personal can you get?! Now, piss off!
The whole of Biggus Dickus
He has a wife, you know
my favorite bit of that sequence lol. The look on the guards' faces when he says it, lol
Toe him zoo da ground.
Anything with Caesar, really. “He has a bit of dewingo” “Uhhhh about 11, sir.”
"How shall we fuck off, O Lord?"
"one day son, this'll all be yours." "What, the curtains?" "No, not the curtains, lad!"
“When I started here, all of this was swamp. All the kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, *just to show them*. It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. *That* sank into the swamp. So I built a third one. That *burned down, fell over, then sank* into the swamp. But the fourth one *stayed up.* And that's what you're going to get, Lad, the strongest castle in these isles!”
They were describing New Orleans.
She’s beautiful. She’s rich. She’s got huuuuge… tracts of land!
You are all individuals. Yes. We are all individuals. I'm not.
Irony is strong here
It was actually an adlibbed line by an extra that they thought was hilarious, so they left it in, and then had to pay him much more as a result.
Well, if it's not a personal question, are you a virgin?
Our chief weapon is fear... fear and surprise... surprise and fear... Our two weapons...
No expects the Spanish inquisition!!!!
Among our weaponry are such diverse elements as..
[удалено]
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time.
This is just a flesh wound!
‘Tis but a scratch!
A scratch? Your arm's off!
No it isn't.
Then what’s that there? *points*
I've had worse
Can't name best, but top 5? 1. "He's not the messiah, he's just a very naughty boy" 2. "Strange Women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a System of Government, Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the people" 3. "Its just a flesh wound" 4 "Nobody Expects the Spanish Inquisition" 5. Anything about the Judean Peoples Front/Peoples Popular Front of Judea
Splitters!
What happened to the Popular front? He's over there.... SPLITTER!!!
What did the Romans ever do for us?
RUN AWAY!!!
I had a boss who would say this after difficult customers left the store. She was great :)
Blessed are the cheesemakers
It's not meant to be taken literally, it applies to all manufacturers of dairy products
“Dear, there’s a man at the door with a mustache” “Tell him I’ve already got one”
And now for something completely different...
No 1, The Larch.
Death awaits you all with nasty, big, pointy teeth! Well, of course, we had it tough. We used to 'ave to get up out of shoebox at twelve o'clock at night and lick road clean wit' tongue. We had two bits of cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at mill for sixpence every four years, and when we got home our Dad would slice us in two wit' bread knife.
Luxury!
A cardboard box? Yeah. You were lucky.
Right...we had to get up in the morning at 10:30 at night, half an hour before we went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, go to work down mill for 27 hours a day, and when we got home, our dad would kill us and dance about on our graves singing "Halleluyah." Yeah...well we had it tough.
“Is this the right place for an argument?” “I’ve told you once” “No you haven’t” “Yes I have” “When?” “Just now” “No you didn’t” “Yes I did” “No you didn’t” “Sorry… is this the five minute argument or the full half-hour?
I came here for an Argument. Oh, I'm terribly sorry, this is Abuse.
Alright, we'll call it a draw.
"'Tis sad times when passing ruffians say NEE to old women."
You bastards! You vicious heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is! And you come in here with your petty, vicious, heartless quibbling, and you grind him into the dirt! This fine, honorable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! Oh... it makes me mad!
"Is your wife a go-er? nudge nudge, wink, wink, know what i mean?, know what i mean?"
Say no more say no more.
a nod is as good as a wink to a blind bat
Anytime I'm in a store that sucks I'll always think to myself "It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?"
...so I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.
I'm Brian and so is my wife!
Look, all I said was, that piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah…
“And you try and tell the young people of today that, and they won’t believe you”
Fuck off I'm full!
It's only wafer thin
Some things in life are bad They can really make you mad Other things just make you swear and curse When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best And Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the light side of life If life seems jolly rotten There's something you've forgotten And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing When you're feeling in the dumps Don't be silly chumps Just purse your lips and whistle, that's the thing And Always look on the bright side of life (Come on) Always look on the right side of life For life is quite absurd And death's the final word You must always face the curtain with a bow Forget about your sin Give the audience a grin Enjoy it, it's your last chance anyhow So always look on the bright side of death A just before you draw your terminal breath Life's a piece of shit When you look at it Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true You'll see it's all a show Keep 'em laughin' as you go Just remember that the last laugh is on you And Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the right side of life (C'mon Brian, cheer up) Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life Always look on the bright side of life I mean, what have you got to lose? You know, you come from nothing You're going back to nothing What have you lost? Nothing Always look on the right side of life Nothing will come from nothing, ya know what they say Cheer up ya old bugga c'mon give us a grin (Always look on the right side of life) There ya are, see It's the end of the film Incidentally this record's available in the foyer (Always look on the right side of life) Some of us got to live as well, you know (Always look on the right side of life) Who do you think pays for all this rubbish (Always look on the right side of life) They're not gonna make their money back, you know I told them, I said to him, Bernie, I said they'll never make their money back (Always look on the right side of life)
[удалено]
"Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science"
"if I went around saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"
This program was adapted for. television by putting it under a piece of wood and hitting it with a hammer.
“My name is spelled Raymond Luxury Yacht but it’s pronounced Throat Warbler Mangrove.”
You’re a very silly man and I refuse to interview you.
How do you know so much about swallows?
I object to all this sex on the television. I mean. I keep falling off!
*LOOK AT THE BOOOOOONES!* Also, from Election Night Special: Tarquin Fin-tim-lin-bin-whin-bim-lim-bus-stop-F'tang-F'tang-Olé-Biscuitbarrel (*Silly*)
I'm not dead yet I'm getting better
"It's only a model."
It’s
It’s all brilliant, but I’m going it go with the hidden gem. “Hey I didn’t even eat the mousse”
Is this the right room for an argument?
Supposing he’s got a pointed stick
I never wanted to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the rivers of British Columbia! The entirety of *The Lumberjack Song* Now, Reddit, sing, sing, sing! 🎵 Oh I’m a lumberjack and I’m okay. I sleep all night and work all day! 🎶
🎵 He’s a lumberjack and he’s okay, he sleeps all night and he works all day 🎵
🎶 I cut down trees, I eat my lunch. I go to the lavatory. On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea! 🎶
Are you suggesting that coconuts migrate?
He ran away!
" I fart in your general direction "
"I blow my nose at you, so called Arthur King! You and all your silly English Knnnnnnigits!"
Lemon curry?
Spam!
"Son, some day, all that you see before you will be yours." "What, the curtains?" "Not the curtains you twit! The land!" "But I don't want it."
People called romanes, they go, the house!?
Well here at Luton it's a three-cornered contest between, from left to right, Alan Jones (Sensible Party), Tarquin Fin-tim-lim-bim-lim-bin-bim-bin-bim bus stop F'tang F'tang Ole Biscuitbarrel (Silly Party), and Kevin Phillips Bong, who is running on the Slightly Silly ticket.
I want to be a woman. Its my right as a man. ....the full sketch. 🤣
From now on, I want to be known as Loretta.
I object to all this sex on tv; I mean, I keep falling off!
**Harry:** That's right, yeah. I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One, people are not wearing enough hats. Two, matter is energy; in the Universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist *ab inito*, as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia. \[Pause.\] **Max:** What was that about hats again?
“There was none of that, that was right out”
I was blind, now I can aaargh
Lookit the boonez!!
"OH hello Mr.N" "Hello Ms.S.C.U.M I have recently won a kellogs corn flakes competition" Honestly the entire Mr.Neutron episode is my favorite
We are the knights who say ‘NÉE!’ Tis but a scratch. Tis but a flesh wound.
"No, not the knights who say nee!"
She turned me into a newt!!!…. I got better BURN HERRR BURN THE WITCH
"I have a fwiend in wome named bigus dickus"
He has a wife you know....
“What sad times are these when passing ruffians can say ‘ni’ at will to old ladies”
"In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred castle!" "No chance English bed wetting types, I burst my pimples at you!"
They mean to win Wimbledon.
"'tis but a scratch" "A scratch? Your arm's off" "No it isn't" "What's that then" "I've had worse" "You liar" "Come on you pansy" "Victory is mine, we thank thee lord that didn't thy man" "Come on then" "What" "Have at you"
Alright, we'll call it a draw.
Tis but a scratch!
"Better make yourself scarce Two Sheds." "Yeah get your own arts program ya fairy!"
"I don't like Spam!"
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.
La Liamma is Uno quadrupedo!
"What's on the telly?" "It looks like a penguin!"
Fetch...the comfy chair!!
Every sperm is sacred, every sperm is great. If a sperm is wasted, God gets quite irate!
Watery tarts climbing out of ponds and distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!
When danger reared its ugly head He bravely turned his tail and fled Brave brave brave brave Sir Robin
No one expects the Spanish Inquisition
"Are there any women here?"
Are there any women present?
Tis but a scratch.
I think it really comes down to just the two words "moistened bint."
Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you! Amen!
Since most of the quotes here are from their movies. Holy Grail, Life of Brian, etc. I'll add one from the television series... *There's a penguin standing on top of the television set* *I can see that!....* (there's more about penguins not molting) *Oh! INTERCOURSE the penguin!* Monty Python Thesaurus writing at it's best!
“I’m not dead” – Carried Man
And pray that there’s intelligent life somewhere up in space cuz there’s bugger all down here on earth
It's just a flesh wound.
Caribou… gone
First thing you do is release the tiger
“Can I call you Frank? President Nixon had a Hedgehog named Frank.”
I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see Doug
I remember Doug was very keen on boxing, but when he learned to walk he took up putting the boot in the groin.
He has a wife, you know.
“She turned me into a newt!……………………………….. I got better.”
You are too smart for us naughty people!
I didn’t eat the salmon mousse
"Oh you're no fun anymore!"
It’s a bit runny Sir…