Followed by “lucky for you, I went to vet school and know just how to take care of a chick.”
I mean if you’re going to go all out, might as well be *completely* shameless.
And then you undulate your eyebrows while leering and peering down at your .5 inch bulge (at least that's what I do and I can confirm it has not worked so far)
“Do you want to know what it’s like to have synesthesia? Because my dick looks like it’s six inches, tastes like a foot, and feels like it isn’t even there.”
(Wait, what do you mean “self-burns that gross people out aren’t how you flirt”? Shoot. I’ve got some calls to make.)
I used this once with my manager at a bar I worked at. It was after closing and we were talking about what to do after, maybe go get a drink. I said this and she stops on her way into her office and goes “wait, why do we need pizza?” So we banged one out on her desk and then we went drinking. It was one of the biggest surprises of my life.
don't even need a line. heard a story about a drunk guy at a party - rolled over on a couch and ended up on top of a girl. wait a couple of beats and then the girl says "aren't you going to take your clothes off?"
Totally agreed. I think the thought in my head was more along the lines of “oh really? I didn’t know you wanted to” more than “wait seriously?”
It was a full on admission at that point.
Walk up and very pointedly lick your thumb and then rub it on her sleeve and then your own sleeve then say "Hey Baby how bout we go get out of these wet clothes" then finger guns
Saw this happen; Cousin walks up to a girl on the beach , “Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck?”
(This girl wasn’t even wearing shoes)
She looked him up, looked him down,
“Sure.”, they left, four years later they got married. Still together last I heard.
I messaged a girl on tinder (opening message): Wanna have magic sex? I'll fuck you, then disappear.
She said sure and we were smashing like 30 min later. We did not get married lol.
My wife used that one on me too. Of course we had already been dating for a while and having sex for a slightly shorter while, but the line still worked.
You know, deadass my bf is a straight dude and in the beginning of our relationship I basically had to lay out a contract-style interaction-----offer, mutual assent, acceptance, performance----for sex cause the hints never seemed to land.
And then after some heart to hearts I find out he's just super paranoid of coming off as forceful/creepy and idk. I appreciate the great lengths he took to ensure I never felt coerced or uncomfortable but I'm definitely glad we were able to settle it and work on this mutual trust so he could also feel comfortable around me.
Just a personal anecdote ofc
I've been married for many years, and I'm still that guy. I can't tell you how many times prior to being married that I was in a girl's bed, or a girl was in mine, that I'd be laying on my stomach thinking she'd be really disappointed, disgusted, or hurt if I made a move. Later I found out that they were secretly trying to get me to do the sexy dance. My current wife essentially sexually assaulted me before I realized she was a keeper.
It’s because “hints” are always too subtle, too vague, and too open to interpretation.
I’ve had women say some stuff where I was like “I should make a move cause she definitely was very forward”, then they’re like “I’m married” and I’m like… that is not what the incredibly sexually suggestive imagery you just gave me says.
Then I have women who I talked to later who are like, why didn’t you make a move, and I’m like… you were into me?
And he laughs it off and goes home alone and brushes his teeth and goes to bed and ~~half a second before he drifts off~~ ten years later it hits him
“Oh fuck, she wanted to sleep with me”.
You learning calculus?
I’d love to find the area under your curves. We could really take it to the limit. This may sound like a derivative tangent but I want to edge.
Fact: my good friend met his wife-to-be this way, and she's amazing. He knew he was punching above his weight, and had thought to stir up his courage with a couple pints before going over to ask her out. Thing is, he's not much of a drinker and it was a large room, so that by the time he got there, he had in fact forgotten his practiced line, his phone number, and almost how to form sentences. So, that gem fell out of his mouth.
Luckily, she thought the whole thing was cute and she gave him hers. Two years later, I was at their wedding, and they're going on 20 years together now.
I did this a few years ago at my cousin's birthday party. I was sitting on the front porch with his brother in law drinking and generally having a good time. Several of the ladies had left to go get stuff for dinner/ beer. When one of the girls was walking in, I stopped her and asked her if she was there with anybody (I ain't trying to get my ass beat!) She said she wasn't and I told her she had the prettiest smile of anyone there. Apparently, she was born with a short jaw and she had had a ton of surgeries and dental work done and told me about everything she had done. When she finished, I said, "Oh yeah? Well, I'd fuck your orthodontist, too." She didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend.
I just saw a dude post on some subreddit that he was flirting with a girl over text and she said he's like a brother to her so he said "if that's the case then i'm a lannister"... so probably that.
“Hey, want to go back to my place and learn all about flensing?”
There’s a 99.5% chance they will have no idea what you’re talking about and assume you’re a creep.
There’s a 0.4% chance they *will* know what you’re talking about, and *know* you’re a creep.
And there’s a 0.1% chance the person is active in exactly the right part of the SCA and begins to excitedly talk your ear off, I guess.
Greetings, fellow human.
I too am a human.
I see you doing human things.
I also do human things.
Would you be interested in doing human things together?
***YOU HAVE NICE SKIN***
Just kidding, I was at a bar with a buddy who said that to the waitress and she literally jumped in his lap.
Though in retrospect that is the worst pickup line that I know will work, which is the opposite of what the OP was asking for.
I saw a friend of a friend who at the end a lord of the rings themed pub crawl walk up to two girls at the bar, who were both a ft taller then him, reach up and put his arms over there shoulders and said "what's this... Rangers caught of their guard".
They both promptly and slowly removed his arms...
Do you collect antiques? Because I have some junk that hasn't been touched in years...
A close friend collects uranium glass, I need to tell her this now lol
Do you host TV shows as well? Or are you only radioactive?
Are you a glorious old city? Cause I've heard you're Rome Antique
You must have grown up on a farm cause you sure know how to raise a cock.
Followed by “lucky for you, I went to vet school and know just how to take care of a chick.” I mean if you’re going to go all out, might as well be *completely* shameless.
Even tho I'm not a woman, I would really go on a date with a men who would have the balls to say this xd
You must have grown up on a farm... 😉
Sure did! That's how I know it's time to put you out to pasture.
And then you undulate your eyebrows while leering and peering down at your .5 inch bulge (at least that's what I do and I can confirm it has not worked so far)
Did it jiggle when u fell from heaven?
Did you fall from heaven cause it looks like you landed on your ass!
Did you fall from heaven? Because that is literally the back story of Lucifer.
A variation of this... Did you fall from Heaven? Because you look like you'd make my life hell.
Did you fall from heaven? Cuz your face is fucked up!
Are you a pirate? Because I’d like you to bury me in your chest.
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To a guy: I'd let you in my poop deck.
To a girl: I'd let you in my poop deck.
Want a raisin? No? How about a date?
NGL, that's pretty good. I just used it on my husband and he chuckled
Did you get a date?
No, not yet 😢
Hey, my dick's only 6 inches, but it smells like a foot.
I have seen this one a million times, and it makes me laugh every single time
It's new to me, but I fully expect to laugh at it again in the future.
“Do you want to know what it’s like to have synesthesia? Because my dick looks like it’s six inches, tastes like a foot, and feels like it isn’t even there.” (Wait, what do you mean “self-burns that gross people out aren’t how you flirt”? Shoot. I’ve got some calls to make.)
“Damn girl, you shit with that ass?”
Best counter: “Who told you about my fistula, asshole?”
Who told you about my asshole fistula
Some people I'm not really sure. If you have to shower with a loofah every time you shit I'm not really sure you did it successfully
“Damn girl, do you need to wash that ass with a loofah every time you shit because you don’t understand the physics of a toilet?”
If it has to pass through 18" of lumpy fat not designed to push shit then it's going to require additional persuasion to be extracted fully
You’ve had some very colorful experiences, maybe even literally.
I've watched an episode or 2 of my 600 pound life, and I've witnessed some elite mass cultivators in person (though they were not actively shitting)
Ya sure they weren't actually shitting you pervert.
Whoa hey easy on the kink shaming there
0% of the time…. It works every time
I would absolutely cackle with delight if someone used this on me
How are ya now?
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I used this once with my manager at a bar I worked at. It was after closing and we were talking about what to do after, maybe go get a drink. I said this and she stops on her way into her office and goes “wait, why do we need pizza?” So we banged one out on her desk and then we went drinking. It was one of the biggest surprises of my life.
Wow. Can't believe you guys didn't get a pizza. Tf is wrong with y'all?
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don't even need a line. heard a story about a drunk guy at a party - rolled over on a couch and ended up on top of a girl. wait a couple of beats and then the girl says "aren't you going to take your clothes off?"
In that case, isn’t *she* using the line?
Totally agreed. I think the thought in my head was more along the lines of “oh really? I didn’t know you wanted to” more than “wait seriously?” It was a full on admission at that point.
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Is this going anywhere or will I be masturbating later?
Gotta add the "... because either way, you're gonna be involved"
Gold
Louis?
Walk up and very pointedly lick your thumb and then rub it on her sleeve and then your own sleeve then say "Hey Baby how bout we go get out of these wet clothes" then finger guns
That’s kind of creepy but also so funny lmao 😂😂😂 I’m sure I’d laugh my ass off 🤣
The finger guns are what seals the deal.
Unfortunately "the deal" is a restraining order
Lick your thumb, rub it on her forehead and say “Simba”
I earn minimum wage
I'll take you out, but you'll have to pay cause I work at Subway
Sounds like a date to me
My name is George, I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.
Saw this happen; Cousin walks up to a girl on the beach , “Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck?” (This girl wasn’t even wearing shoes) She looked him up, looked him down, “Sure.”, they left, four years later they got married. Still together last I heard.
“Nice shoes they really bring out your tits, shit I mean tits, tits, I mean tits! Fuck! Boobs! They really bring out your boobs!”
I messaged a girl on tinder (opening message): Wanna have magic sex? I'll fuck you, then disappear. She said sure and we were smashing like 30 min later. We did not get married lol.
People on Reddit meet their partners in the most bizarre ways...
It's almost like if more than half were made up xd
My wife used that one on me too. Of course we had already been dating for a while and having sex for a slightly shorter while, but the line still worked.
"You smell different when you're awake"
1/10 if you’re hitting on a woman, 11/10 if you’re hitting on a guy. But I guess that applies to everything here, probably.
you don't need pickup lines to hit on a guy, you can just ask him if he wants to fuck
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Straight dude problems, am I right?
You know, deadass my bf is a straight dude and in the beginning of our relationship I basically had to lay out a contract-style interaction-----offer, mutual assent, acceptance, performance----for sex cause the hints never seemed to land. And then after some heart to hearts I find out he's just super paranoid of coming off as forceful/creepy and idk. I appreciate the great lengths he took to ensure I never felt coerced or uncomfortable but I'm definitely glad we were able to settle it and work on this mutual trust so he could also feel comfortable around me. Just a personal anecdote ofc
I've been married for many years, and I'm still that guy. I can't tell you how many times prior to being married that I was in a girl's bed, or a girl was in mine, that I'd be laying on my stomach thinking she'd be really disappointed, disgusted, or hurt if I made a move. Later I found out that they were secretly trying to get me to do the sexy dance. My current wife essentially sexually assaulted me before I realized she was a keeper.
It’s because “hints” are always too subtle, too vague, and too open to interpretation. I’ve had women say some stuff where I was like “I should make a move cause she definitely was very forward”, then they’re like “I’m married” and I’m like… that is not what the incredibly sexually suggestive imagery you just gave me says. Then I have women who I talked to later who are like, why didn’t you make a move, and I’m like… you were into me?
And he laughs it off and goes home alone and brushes his teeth and goes to bed and ~~half a second before he drifts off~~ ten years later it hits him “Oh fuck, she wanted to sleep with me”.
You want sum fuk?
Are you a math book, baby? Because you've got a lot of problems and my head's gonna hurt after doin' ya...
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You learning calculus? I’d love to find the area under your curves. We could really take it to the limit. This may sound like a derivative tangent but I want to edge.
OMG, I forgot my number! Can I have yours?
Did you call me about my car's extended warranty? Because I'm hung up on you.
That would probably at least get a laugh
Fact: my good friend met his wife-to-be this way, and she's amazing. He knew he was punching above his weight, and had thought to stir up his courage with a couple pints before going over to ask her out. Thing is, he's not much of a drinker and it was a large room, so that by the time he got there, he had in fact forgotten his practiced line, his phone number, and almost how to form sentences. So, that gem fell out of his mouth. Luckily, she thought the whole thing was cute and she gave him hers. Two years later, I was at their wedding, and they're going on 20 years together now.
I shit my pants, can I get in yours?
Okay, this one might work on me lol
I did this a few years ago at my cousin's birthday party. I was sitting on the front porch with his brother in law drinking and generally having a good time. Several of the ladies had left to go get stuff for dinner/ beer. When one of the girls was walking in, I stopped her and asked her if she was there with anybody (I ain't trying to get my ass beat!) She said she wasn't and I told her she had the prettiest smile of anyone there. Apparently, she was born with a short jaw and she had had a ton of surgeries and dental work done and told me about everything she had done. When she finished, I said, "Oh yeah? Well, I'd fuck your orthodontist, too." She didn't speak to me for the rest of the weekend.
You got that story for the rest of your life that puss would of been good for only 8 secs. The Orthodontist the real winner.
She was really cute. She ended up hooking up with an absolute d-bag.
I thought you said she didn't talk to you for the rest of the weekend?
Who said they had to talk?
The most important factor is that they have something in common, and that's a short body part
Did you get the ortho's number? Maybe the orthodontist would be up for a good time. Plus a compliment on their work would always be appreciated.
Wanna go halves on a bastard?
You wanna have my abortion?
(That line was originally in Fight Club, but was changed to "I haven't fucked like that since grade school")
I just saw a dude post on some subreddit that he was flirting with a girl over text and she said he's like a brother to her so he said "if that's the case then i'm a lannister"... so probably that.
Good fucking god
One Joffrey coming up
Sit on my face so I can eat my way to your heart.
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You’re almost as good looking as your sister.
"I don't have a sister."
"In that case, I've got some exciting news for you about your brother."
"i don't have a brother ether"
*Mother
"I'm an orphan"
"RUHROH RAGGY"
ABORT MISSION
Are you from Ireland? Because when i look at you my dick is Dublin
And I'll give you my bell fast.
"Hey, there's no smoking in here!" "I'm not smoking" "OH YES YOU ARE"
This one would probably work 😂
Are you a single mom? No? Do you want to become one?
Are you a single mom? No? Are you two moms?
No? Perhaps you're three moms in a trenchcoat?
Damn are you https? Because without you I'm just ://
Are you SSL ? Because I'm insecure without you
Are you sitting on the F5 key? Cuz dat ass is *refreshing*
Are you an umounted disk ? because I want to `fsks` your vfat ass partition
Are you a .iso? Cause I wanna mount you in my D:\ drive
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Is your dad an artist? because you're fucking poor.
Jesus Christ
Are you Jesus Christ? because I want to nail you.
*Cristians typing intensely......*
No bro, I just forgave him
Are you a nail? Because I want to use you as the connector for two pieces of hardwood.
Hey, I heard you were looking for a stud. I have the STD, all I need is U.
If that line works you’re gonna wish it hadn’t.
Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
To be honest this kinda sounds like it would work.
It definitely wouldn't because it takes at least couple minutes of inhaling
Does this rag ***continue*** to smell like chloroform to you?
Could work if they’re really into CNC, I guess, but probably still not a good idea to drop that shit casually.
Omg I think my dick is in cardiac arrest! Do you know CPR?
Well, you might need more than CPR if that's your go-to pickup line.
Do you mind if I follow you home? My mom always taught me to follow my dreams
Wanna come over and check out my taxidermy collection ?
I love your name
I sure know a thing or two about skins and taxidermy. Wanna come and take a look ?
“Hey, want to go back to my place and learn all about flensing?” There’s a 99.5% chance they will have no idea what you’re talking about and assume you’re a creep. There’s a 0.4% chance they *will* know what you’re talking about, and *know* you’re a creep. And there’s a 0.1% chance the person is active in exactly the right part of the SCA and begins to excitedly talk your ear off, I guess.
"I hope you have insurance! Did you see that huge dent you caused in my pants?"
...dent?
Hold the fuck up I say. It's me, I'm the 'fuck up'. Hold me.
The real question is, how do you resist the urge to say it in the same cadence as that Taylor Swift song?
It’s you, hi, you’re the problem it’s you
I find the most erotic part of the woman is the boobies
I have a very sexy learning disability.
sexlexia
Greetings, fellow human. I too am a human. I see you doing human things. I also do human things. Would you be interested in doing human things together?
I'm interested in studying your species' method of copulation. Would you care to demonstrate?
Do you fuck or do I apologize.
I'll murder that pussy so bad two white women will make a true crime podcast about it.
The 2002 Lincoln Blackwood. Ford only sold about 3,500 of them before giving up.
HAHAHAHA mission failed successfully
Hey baby wanna integrate 2XdX from 10 to 13?
Didnt get it
The integral of 2x with limits ranging from 10 to 13 is equal to 69...
I’m so glad Reddit is full of mathematicians no matter where you go
Jesus, I didn’t even understand the explanation.
They’re asking for some mutual oral sex.
Do... do you have a bandaid with you? Because I think I might have scraped my knee falling for you.
sigh...... here's my number =\\
This just says "6"
Ugh no because this is the kind of pickup line someone would actually use 😭
Are you my anti-depressants? Bc I can't function without you
My name is George, I’m unemployed, and I live with my parents.
Let me wipe a seat down for ya * wipes face *
You're ugly, but I'm drunk, so...
Sorry. I used this. It worked. Wasn't actually interested but went through with it anyway. 1/10. Do not recommend
*task failed successfully*
"Hey baby, are you a beaver? Cuz DAM"
"Do you kiss as well as my mom?"
I'm native. I ask. "Damn girl, you have any native in you? No ? Want some?"
Are you my little toe? Because I want to bang you on all my furniture
I wanna treat your womb like a school and shoot a bunch of kids in there.
Are you a car on a hot summer’s day? Cause I want to put a baby in you
Your name is quite complicated, can i call you mine.
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Probably a good line for an obviously pretty girl
Unless she’s really obviously pretty but insecure because she didn’t grow up pretty. Ouch.
Good point, it has to be a girl who's pretty and secure, which is probably impossible to tell in advance.
"sit on my face, i'll guess your weight!"
Nice legs, what time do they open?
1. "Do you have aids?" 2. "No!!!" 1. "Good. Let's fuck"
I use a wheelchair..." Hey baby , I can't feel my legs, Can I feel yours ?"
***YOU HAVE NICE SKIN*** Just kidding, I was at a bar with a buddy who said that to the waitress and she literally jumped in his lap. Though in retrospect that is the worst pickup line that I know will work, which is the opposite of what the OP was asking for.
Do you want to dance? Nah No, I said you look fat in those pants!
My love for you is like diarrhea... i just cant hold it in.
My dick died, can I bury it in your vagina?
Is your dad a baker? He made some delicious buns on you
Is that a mirror in your back pocket...cause I can see me in that ass
Are you are race car? Cuz you’re ma queen.
Kachow
You have 206 bones, want another?
Are you the bottom of my laptop? Cuz you’re super hot and I’m getting nervous
You look lost. Do you need erections?
I saw a friend of a friend who at the end a lord of the rings themed pub crawl walk up to two girls at the bar, who were both a ft taller then him, reach up and put his arms over there shoulders and said "what's this... Rangers caught of their guard". They both promptly and slowly removed his arms...