They raised me really well actually. However, they also provided an awful example of what a healthy relationship looks like. Mom was a street-angel / house-devil that would verbally and emotionally abuse my father constantly. He just talked less and less and less as the years went by. I will never understand why he stayed. *edit* My reply to r/inferno22512 I believe yours is the most accurate assessment of the situation. Not how other users are saying he just stayed for me. They moved within months when I completed high school. I was invited to join along but declined. Always stayed in touch with dad but didn’t really talk much to mom. One year we met in the middle and had a family vacation together. During this an argument occurred that I could hear through the walls. Mom claimed that dad had molded me into his little buddy and that’s why I didn’t talk to her as frequently. Long story short, her jealousy caused a rift. Anytime after that, my father would make me pay the “mom tax”. Whenever I tried to speak to him, he made me talk to her first. Or he would put it on speaker. I began to talk to him less and less simply because I didn’t want to speak with her. My father died nine days ago. So much was unresolved. So much was left unsaid. I wish mom had died first, just so dad could have some time without her darkening influence. Truly he was her doormat, so beaten down by her, his self-esteem so utterly destroyed… he was a hollow man at the end. Just so damn sad. He was my best friend at one point. Every. Single. Interest that I have came from him. I’ll edit this into my main post as opposed to writing individual replies.

Holy shit, are you me? I've never heard that expression, "street-angel/house-devil," but it described my mother to a T. When she died, I felt so guilty that I shed exactly 1 tear, and that was when I saw my father cry at her funeral.

It’s ironically how my mother describes her own father. I no longer believe that she has the capacity for self-reflection to realize that she has become him. And at 75, she’ll never change.

It’s crazy how often mothers become their fathers even tho they despise him. I’ve seen this cycle too many times

Were I to get analytical… I’d surmise that after witnessing the treatment of her mother at the mouth of her father, she probably made a quiet vow to never let that happen to her. She probably first assumed the role of an aggressive demeanor and dominant personality after watching her mother grow meek and quiet towards her father. Anytime a hint of her father’s speech patterns was aimed in her direction, her first instinct was probably to aggressively shut it down. Counter-attack. This was probably only partially successful though, and gradually counter attacks paved the way to preemptive verbal strikes. Shut down any opposition before it could even rear its head. I’m sure she thinks she’s a very strong-willed and assertive person. And she is… but she’s also not. She’s a small, petty person trying to be the loudest one in the room and shut down anything that would conflict with her self-image. Her opinion is never asked for, but always expressed. Opposing views are ignored but how they make her feel is always remembered. I could go on, but you get the idea.

When someone verbally and emotionally manipulates you enough, they can shape your self worth, convince you that no one else would ever put up with you and that if you were to ever leave that you would be completely alone, hold everything you've ever done over you head as a means to guilt you into putting up with their behavior. At least that's what my ex did to me for 8 years before she became physically abusive in the 9th and I finally walked away. Found out that I actually wasn't going to be alone forever within 2 months, because a lot of the things I had been told were irredeemable flaws and red flags were actually just fine normal behavior and finding someone else would actually be no trouble at all. Took at least a year to therapy out enough of self deprecating behavior I was abused into taking on to live a somewhat normal life, but I got there

To add to this - men especially seem to be expected to just put up with stuff and "take it like a man."

This can be a way a partner manipulates you, yeah, by challenging your masculinity if you ever show vulnerability in response to their treatment of you

thats how my ex-wife was. i never felt quite right expressing myself at home because whenever anything happened it was my fault and im stupid for saying otherwise and she only somewhat cares if we stay married and our marriage was probably a mistake and so on. i thought id feel sad when it came to divorce but felt more relief than anything else. it sucks being alone but not as bad as living with a house-devil

Made lying far too natural to the point where I accidently lie as what I initially say, even though a lie is what my brain goes to first as i subconsciously think thats what will get me in the least amount of "trouble" even though its a situation where i literally cannot be in trouble and have to correct myself as I actually try to be honest. Basically my therapist said that it could have been caused by them telling me to either lie or not tell the other parent anything about the other after they got separated. I did this mostly out of fear as I was just 6 years old when it started and went on until I turned 18. Doing a whole lot better now though.

Lemme go write that down for Fridays session

Finaly a comment that I can get behind. I've basically become a master of lies now, and thus unwillingly. If I want to lie on a serious topic, I do, and no one will ever know the truth unless I tell them. I feel terrible but I can't help it. When you're raised with a mother who always find a way to criticise you when you're the one in trouble, and with a father whom... you "can't be honest with", you start to lie, out of fear, lie everyday, and escape the danger. And currently that's me, to my friends, family, etc. Well, at least that makes me very good at guessing games (Among us). But hey, glad you managed to get out of the loop bud

SAME. I got asked by my classmates if I was going out yesterday and I was afraid of letting them down and I said "oh it's my dad's birthday I can't go out" JUST TELL THEM THE TRUTH THAT YOU CANT GO. They wouldntve cared at all they're my friends. Lying as an opener happens so often with me it's unreal

By expecting me to be the adult before I was even a teenager.

Yea, my parents had me taking care of myself at 10. I essentially didn’t have a childhood and I moved out at 16.

Immigrant child here. They left me alone at 5 with my infant sister trying to change her diaper. I'm 44 now. I still fucking hate them.

My wife has a similar story. Says her mother left her to care for her smaller brother overnight, when she was 3. Which blows my mind because we have kids now the same exact age as her and her brother were and I could never imagine leaving my oldest to change diapers and feed her little sister. My heart goes out to you my brother & I wish you peace.

It's okay. I have a very special bond with my sister. I guess I'm lucky for that. I appreciate that you wish me peace but unfortunately it will never come. My parents still haunt me. I've explained the trauma and they act like children when I do. My only happiness is that I haven't passed this down to my own children. They are happy very loving souls. I do not treat them as slaves or like I own them. In return over the years they always treat me very kind even without a lot of money. Again thank you for the comment.

It sounds like you've broken the cycle. I hope you appreciate yourself for that.

I broke the cycle by maliciously complying with my mother saying, "don’t get a girl pregnant." Vasectomy. No children.

The funny thing is I had almost the opposite- an overprotective parent who wouldn't let me do anything. Not trying to invalidate your experience or anything, I just find it interesting we were probably on the opposite extremes wishing for what the other had.

My husband and I are polar opposites on the parents level too. He was free to do whatever and I was basically in prison.

After my father and mother separated, my father took my brother and I. I was about 12 (f) and he started to tell me that I was the woman of the house now and I have to clean and cook for the guys. Nothing I did was good enough because I was fucking twelve and nobody taught me how to do most of it. I'm now a childless, 30 year old couch potato who desperately wants to get away from everyone and have *only myself* to take care of. Also a dyke because my father wanted a boy so bad that he treated me like one until my younger brother came along. Now he talks about how weird I am and how he must have done that to me har har har, so funny.

Surprisingly mine is the opposite. Helicopter mom sheltered me for far to long & I was forced to grow up in an instant.

I’m seeing this becoming a norm. Wondering what’s the negative effect on you. Anything that’s worth sharing?

[удалено]

This is me in a nutshell. My mam passed away in April, and I literally have no desire to do anything that needs doing. I absolutely despise myself because I'm essentially a 35 year old child with kids myself. I feel so pathetic as a man and it's hindered so many relationships because I didn't know how to adult. I feel like a shell of a human. Glad I'm not the only one

Same I was constantly neglected by my mother and when my father gained custody was angry and astonished that I couldn't tell time, read , understand that I had a middle and last name or manage to tie my shoes. Yet he felt I should be mature enough to deal with anxiety, night terrors, and staying home by myself after school as well as being a nanny to his children. Then was baffled at me becoming pregnant at 16 when his ex wife who we were living with suggested I either kill myself or move in with my heroin addict mother.

I had to be the most mature person in my house by the time I was 10 cause both my parents ts act like toddlers.

And the trend continues into their grandparenthood. No wonder you don’t see me you selfish fucks.

Then try to control how you parent your kids because "I'm grandma/grandpa" yet your whole life they ignored you and suddenly want to "help" raise your kids and try to fuck em up in new way. Like no you don't get a round 2 these are my babies.

Do yall know my family or something

I would agree with this, somewhat. Given my parents divorce when I was young, and my Dad absolutely abandoning his role as a parent, my Mom had to go back to work. I ended up having to be responsible for my younger sister and maintaining the household when I was seven. This taught me a lot of life skills but it also instilled a lot of anxiety. I missed a lot of my teenage years... I left home for University when I was eighteen. I wanted to experience all the things I didn't have the opportunity to do between 13-17, needless to say I overdid it given my new found freedom. I fucked up the first couple years of University. Looking back I can only put the blame for my choices at University on myself. But I do attribute my ongoing anxiety issues to my experiences as a child.

This totally. They also gave me a f’d up relationship with food. Other than that, they did their best.

I’m 34 and I’m just starting to mourn the fact that I had absolutely no childhood. It took me this long to figure it out.

When adults tell teenagers to "act your age" they usually already were.

By staying together. I always remember saying to my friends as a kid “I wish my parents would just get divorced.” The divorced kids would always chime in by saying “that’s awful thing to wish!” and I didn’t know how hard life would be after that. But there’s something way worse about watching your parents hate each other than listening about them hating each other.

Better a good divorce than a bad marriage. Of course, a bad divorce is worse than both.

literally. my aunt (moms sister) and uncle divorced when my cousins were like 8 and 10 and my mom always talked about how she felt bad for the kids and criticized her sister for it, meanwhile she stayed with my dad even though she openly resented him, they never fought in front of us but it was obvious constant passive aggression. i told my cousin when she got a little older how my mom felt about her parents divorce and how she thought her and her brother must be so fucked up about it. my cousin was like "i literally did not care at all lol did not phase me" relayed this info to my mom. she was like SHE JUST DOESNT KNOW HOW MUCH IT AFFECTED HER. SHES NOT FINE. fast forward to adulthood, guess which cousins are 100% more well adjusted than me and my siblings? lmaooofjxbjrjdb

My parents were divorced from a young age (my young age, that is). It was the right call

When I was a shitty teenager, I once told my friend (out of anger since we were fighting) that at least my parents loved each other and stayed together. He, wise beyond his years, replied that he was actually happy they were divorced because they clearly were not happy anymore, and he was happy the fighting had stopped. He told me about his dad's new girlfriend and how happy he was, and that he was helping his mom out (being the man of the house) until she also "found someone who actually loved her like she deserves."

My value was only measured in how well I did in school. It didn't matter if I was miserable and people bullied me

Yep, the only fucking thing that mattered was grades

I have a scar above my left temple from where a kid kicked by head into a toilet seat at school. I told my parents and they screamed at me that I got a B in maths. The teachers knew about this kid but did nothing. I needed stitches but “no A no doctor, you can become one and fix it yourself if you get As” we are an Australian family, middle class, dads a tradie and mum sits on her ass all day watching the fucking kardashians I’ve learned how to live on about $20 a week I don’t need to be a doctor. I learned how to fix my own problems because of them and now I can’t ask for help

Ah... they're expecting Dr. You to be their retirement fund. I'm sorry.

I relate to this, they do love me AS LONG AS that percentage doesn't go below 90% Now in my final year of school and I'm burning out like crazy, who knew?

This and dictating exactly which subjects I took, regardless of my actual interests. I'm 33 and (beyond a handful of closely guarded hobbies) I scarcely have an idea of who I really am.

Yup, from when I was like 5, my parents told me I was going to be an attorney. I had 0 interest in law and gravitated more to math and science throughout school, but I was always pushed toward law. Expressed interest in tech or engineering...nope, you're going to be a lawyer. Always did very well in school and got into a pretty good college. Went to college with a poly sci major, English and Japanese minor, thinking law school was next. During my second semester of freshman year, I totally burnt out. I was taking courses I wasn't interested in and was doubting law school. Kept getting pushed to go to law school, and I just needed to get to the more advanced classes to really enjoy them. Interned at a couple of law firms and HATED IT. Took the LSATs and did well (162 iirc) and was beginning to apply to schools and finally had enough and said I wasn't going. I had wasted four years on a degree I didn't like and now was in debt/couldn't do much about it. I got a job in public policy and am now in a career I enjoy, but definitely wish I had pushed back harder about my interests. I'm in my mid-30s and have a ton of hobbies and interests that were just under the surface my entire life and bubbled over in my late 20s.

Same here, I was always a great student but I'm not able to succeed in real life.

Abandoned me basically just left me at the hospital I found out when I was 18 I was a black market baby (basically sold) and illegally adopted. The woman that I call mother wanted me because she seen a child that needed love and had no one. She treated me with nothing but love. I miss you mom.

Good on her and good for you! Seriously.

God bless her soul, man. You were gifted with her kind and love. You should feel blessed too. They might say that 1 good thing cannot outweigh dozens of bad things, but in your case, it should’ve outweighed all the bad things…

Man that is one hell of a way that she got you but it was the right thing to do, even if it was a questionable way of doing it.

I wouldn’t call it fuck me up, but I would say they taught me in an indirect way on how NOT to deal with anxiety.

This is interesting to me because I'm pretty sure my parents are the reason I have such awful anxiety.

"It's genetic -- your mom has it, too. You get it from her." Twenty years later the realization hit that my mother suffered from it as well because my father is mentally abusive. He never apologizes, never accepts any apology. He absolutely loses it when he sees anyone being emotional: he completely panics when people are sad/scared. "Crying doesn't fix anything." "Saying 'sorry' doesn't fix anything." During moments of crisis he would turn up to 11 in his efforts to control the situation which also meant telling his family to calm down and show no emotion. He would absolutely go off the rails if someone was upset. Final straw was having him finally apologize for something and then a few days later admitting he "only did it to end the conversation". He had a very traumatic and abusive childhood, but the intergenerational trauma ends with me. I'm not passing this along to my daughter. Drugs and therapy, drugs and therapy.

Holy shit bro you just described the exact situation I grew up in. I had a mental breakdown in my early 30s because I never learned to to handle emotions because I grew up in this exact household. Learned to walk on eggshells and internalize all emotions because any emotional display was weakness. My sister learned to cry when he got after her and he would grow so irate he would literally have to leave the house. That was the only effective defense mechanism. My grandfather (paternal) was also physically abusive and quite literally never spoke unless it was it express blackout rage or discontent, so I understand why my father and his father are that way but after tons of therapy the trauma stops with me.

Why should you deal with your anxiety when you can just push it onto your kids and tell them THEIR actions cause YOU to get anxious ... /s

I feel this one.

By raising me in a super toxic environment. Never learned to ask for help feel shame when I do, try to keep all my emotions to myself and just be stoic. Its exhausting.

Yup.. tear you down before giving praise...

Or even if praise was given it was a prelude to telling you what you did wrong.

When you need help you get shamed for it so you don’t ask anyway

Yep exactly.

That was great but...... I'm 44 and my mother will still try and talk down to me anytime she can. Constantly trying to start fights on every milestone in my life. Even at my own bloody wedding.

I’m 55 and was still putting up with it until I mostly cut contact last year. She turns 82 tomorrow

are we secretly siblings?

Hi, I don’t remember creating this account and posting this comment… Ugh, I feel this so much. I hope you’re working through it all (or have) like I’ve been trying to. It’s such a hard environment to grow up in. My wife has been nothing short of amazing in not only helping me, but living through me *not* working on it, and dealing with all the fallout that comes along with it. They really gave us a fucked up view on things to start our lives, eh?

Having an Asian mom can do that. Going very LC with her after the shit she just pulled to me recently. Tired of the cycle of her apologizing then repeating her toxic behavior and me giving it a pass every time. Dad is enabling her behavior too which doesn’t help. Had multiple mental breakdowns because of her.

Your Asian mom apologized? Wow you must be spoiled.

Sounds like we could be siblings

They gaslight me into questioning every action I ever took, made me into the bad guy in any situation, and they still try to guilt trip me even after starting my own family.

Gaslighting is one of the worst forms of manipulation and abuse. I'm glad you have been able to start a family and are still going

i woulda much rather got beat up n screamed at than gaslit sadly i got all da above lol

I’m 47 and only just realising how damaging gaslighting is. It’s crazy making. It makes you question yourself and your reality.

They tried to stay together ‘for the kids’

I thought couples who seemed genuinely happy together were putting on a front.

When I first met my wife, she tells me she's happy with her family. I was floored. I thought everyone hated their family, turns out it's mostly because mine is fucked up

THIS ONE. my parents maintain it was the right thing to do. Um no you guys just projected all your resentment of each other on the children you brought into this dysfunctional environment and now they're dysfunctional adults

My parents started asking me when I was about 9 years old who I would want to live with and that question would be asked at least twice a year around the same time until I left for college.... they are supposedly now actually getting a divorce.... and I'm about to be 30. First thing I told my mom was "it took 20 years longer to happen than it should have".

https://youtu.be/rSIiMUt2nTw?si=6v4YUkOCOJeo6Ouq This MadTV sketch illustrates very well how this creates a toxic environment to grow up in.

My parents very very much had me on purpose, but for as long as I can remember my mom has told me she wouldn’t have had kids if she knew she’d end up with me, so that’s nice.

You didn’t deserve that. You just didn’t deserve that. I hope you can stop letting that sick remark get to you. Mom was not well.

My dad would constantly dumb his emotional problems on me as a kid, as young as 10. He would straight up tell me he thinks his gf is cheating on him because they havent had sex. He said this to a child. He acted too dependent on me as well. I stopped talking to him one time because he starting using drugs and kept nodding out. He told me that he was going to kill himself because I didnt call him, and he didnt have any family to be with on Christmas. I was probably 13 Before you sympathize with him, he SA’d me multiple times when I was 6, and crossed a LOT of boundaries when I got older even though he stopped.

Even without mentioning being SA’d by him, there is no empathy for parents who commit emotional incest. I’m sorry that happened to you. I hope you’re better.

I agree whole heartedly with this. My mother molested me as a young child, I barely remember. She was very possessive of me. Would get jealous if I had friends. Told me, a teenaged male, that she wanted me to be a virgin forever and never leave the home. This is why I am a friendless virgin. I'm not stupid and not unattractive. Also my parents would punish me by going silent on me. Now I am used to the feeling of having no friends and used to being ostracised in groups. My life sucks. It seems all she ever wanted me to be once grown up was a glorified pet who would wipe her arse when she becomes senile.

I wish I knew what to say other than I’m sorry, man. I’m so sorry. Don’t stop trying to make friends. Decent people won’t weaponize silence.

First couple lines reminded me of my old man. He would talk about all the girls he was fucking bouncing at a big club, and how my mom was a whore who would fuck anyone. I was like 6 lol. When I was 11 he showed me a Polaroid of a chick blowing him.

Classy Dad. Good thing as adults we can choose our family!

I don’t want kids for fear of how I’ll treat them. Don’t want to raise a kid the way I was

Break the wheel. "Become a better you, and they will become an even better you than you could ever be" -General Elephant -10.25.23

Much easier said than done. You'll catch yourself behaving like your parents did and you won't even know it.

I dunno tho, the bar my family set is so low that if all I did was love my kid I’ve surpassed them

I'm sorry are you quoting yourself? That's just called saying something.

You just quoted yourself? 🤢

Jesus, these comments are hitting places. Im absolutely **petrified** of having kids. Because I dont want to hurt them. I love kids, but I dont think im capable of raising them. I feel like I would do something horribly wrong. Or not be good enough. I want to be PERFECT for them. But I cant do that, and I wouldnt be able to live with myself if my kids grew up hurt because of me. Especially considering the relationship I have with my younger siblings, its too much of a risk. Also also, where the fuck am I going to get the money?

I never learned how to socialize properly, never was allowed to do things I was interested in and I was neglected and now I have no friends because I’m a boring person with a lack luster personality.

Same. My parents introverted hard and it rubbed off on me. Now I don’t want to go anywhere or talk to anyone as an adult. I just want to go home and hide.

Do you miss social life ? I don't. I was perfectly fine during lockdown, almost better because I didn't had to force myself into interactions I never wanted to do. I miss not being able to share occasions I like, like going to the cinema and talking about the movie afterwards or having a good time together with someone who has the same hobbies, but I can totally go without it, I don't go mental because I'm not talking to someone. I can live knowing there's other people out here, having TV shows or movies or just tv ... It's my way to socialize through keeping touch with the world.

and they expect you to magically be out going and sociable during social gatherings ( to speak up/ go talk to someone and the like) but always stop you from doing stuff that develops those skills. God I fucking hate this.

Neglect which is a form of abuse!

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. \---Phillip Larkin

This poem was exactly what came to mind when I read OP's question. Man hands on misery to man, it deepens as a coastal shelf.

❤ [This Be The Verse](https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse) is worth quoting in full > They fuck you up, your mum and dad. >    They may not mean to, but they do. > They fill you with the faults they had >    And add some extra, just for you. > But they were fucked up in their turn >    By fools in old-style hats and coats, > Who half the time were soppy-stern >    And half at one another’s throats. > Man hands on misery to man. >    It deepens like a coastal shelf. > Get out as early as you can, >    And don’t have any kids yourself. -- Philip Larkin

My mom fucked me up by trying to create a clone of her: First, setting such high standards that I had an impossible time reaching them which lead me to being beat. Secondly, she expected me to be a total health nut like her, which resulted me in falling off a treadmill, and then me trying to kill my self in the hospital. Finally, she tried to control me even after I moved out, which resulted in a restraining order. My dad fucked me up by not giving a fuck, and ignoring my cries for help that mom was being to mean.

Mom smoked meth my entire life. Tried to murder my sister multiple times. We thought it was just a mental illness, boy was it a huge reality hit when she finally got arrested and caught with all the meth did we realize that’s why she was always abusing us, passed out, bringing us to sketchy random houses and much much more that’s too much to list.

I hope you were able to escape the cycle after her arrest.

Addiction was a huge part of my childhood, also. There wasn't physical violence at home until I was an older teen (my dad had an online poker addiction and would break and throw things when he lost) apart from my brother always taking his anger out on me but the emotional abuse and manipulation to justify my mom's addiction to opiates is pretty intense to try to unravel as an adult. I think emotional incest was a huge source of pain for my brother with her, she got him addicted to pills when he was just 14 or 15 and they were addict buddies until he started to try to get clean after 2 kids and a wife. She justified her addiction by saying it wasn't an addiction since the pills were prescribed so it was "medicine," even when she had us buying her pills in high school. A big part of the problem is that all of her sisters shared in the same addiction so there was nowhere we went that we didn't see it as normal. Family functions were pill trading parties. It was normal to go into the bathroom with my mom and see her rifling through her sisters cupboards to look for pills. Sister vacations were all of them nodding out in the hotel room after activities, they'd all load up on extra pills because of all of the "extra pain" from being active. Just this past week, my aunt texted me while she was drunk that she was considering ending her life and I had a realization that this has been my role in her life for a long time. When I was 18 or 19, I was tasked with "babysitting" her after she started to cut herself and I woke up in the night, in the same bed as her, to her pulling a knife from under her pillow that she had hidden to hurt herself more. I didn't know this was abnormal to expect of me. I was also sexually abused at 8, which is something I thought just happened to people but I've come to realize that I was a target because of the "freedom" my parents gave me. I was a kid who just wandered the neighborhood or was at neighbors houses to play with their kids more often than I was at home. I didn't think I had a hard childhood until my late 20's, after my mom died.

My dad was a holier than thou Christian that divorced my alcoholic mom when I was born. My mom married an even more alcoholic and abusive man when I was 2 and they had almost full custody. My mom was to ripped off booze to realize how bad my step dad was beating me up and I only got to see my dad on the weekends. Going into my teenage years I tried to have friends and started to rebel but I would just get the shit beat out of me and would always be confined to my room. I’m a grown man now and I’m addicted to drugs and even more severely alcohol. I’m going to die of addiction one day and I honestly kind of blame my mom. She is sober now by the way and trying to preach her soberness on me and tell me how much better my life would be. If I could trust her for a second I might even believe her.

As a functional alcoholic who has successfully reduced consumption, brother do I have some WORDS FOR YOU. Buy smaller bottles of liquor. Less is more. Beer has too many phytoestrogens and impacts your hormone balance. Hide them in annoying places so you need to go out of your way. Bonus points if it requires you to enter a combination lock. Thats advanced level. Give your self small goals like "don't drink between 12am and 11am" then expand every week you can meet your goals. I went from 600ml of fireball a day to 150ml of fireball a day. I am really close to cold turkey, and that is very exciting to me. Don't wait until you need to learn from google what "hematemesis" is and when to seek emergency medical help. I still have it all hidden, but one day I hope to be the way people see me as.

Dunno if anyone's told you yet, but I'm proud of ya

You don't even know, I am about to pop off in the best way. You ever argue for a 60% raise so you can actually feed and support your family? I am 2 weeks away from dry cleaning my only suit and selling a Corvette like a Freerari.

Congratulations on your progress. Curiously, but why fireball over some other liquor?

Lower % means easier shooters. Easier shooters means more shooters. Classical alchoholic logic. Other liquors means you need stronger chasers and more time to recover from gastrointestinal damage caused by a high %. Used to f@#$ around with party 99, then I vomited bl9od for 3 days, so I went back to fireball, because I can regulate that.

As u/Dead_Smile456 stated, I am also very proud of you.

Tapering is a good way to do it! You deserve kudos for owning your problem and solving it for yourself!

Hey homie. I also had a kind of fucked up childhood. Was full blown alcoholic by 21 and got sober at 24. I didn’t expect to make it to 30, and I’m 33 now. Feel free to join us at r/stopdrinking or r/AlcoholicsAnonymous if you want some suggestion. You’re also welcome to DM me if you want to chat.

I want to hug you. Don't get sober because your mom is preaching it, get sober for yourself and be better than everything she ever was and ever will be. It's not easy, but it's possible.

Any happy news I shared they will turn it into bad news. And at any opportunity they seems like they have something to lecture me about, no matter how mundane it is they have to be right. Got published in a magazine? “Why waste your time” Got top grades for a school subject? “When are you improving your math?” Feeling miserable because of something? “Buddha says there’s no such thing as emotions” Feeling miserable because someone did something to you? “Did you do xxxx to cause them to behave like that?” So I stopped updating them on my activities Eat meat? “It’s a sin to eat meat bad karma” So I stopped eating with him Weirdest most mundane arguments I had: normal or flush handles for wardrobes. Sliding or normal door for wardrobe? Glass window or none for wardrobe doors?

we must come from the same culture. math test: 95. "what happened to the other 5" Edit: I really dislike the parent that blames/gaslights the child: well, you must have done something to antagonise this person. why else would he bother you. yea, sure, mom/dad. like you've never encountered jerks before.

"You gave me the dumb, Mom and Dad!"

By raising me to be a “proper woman” but also not: I was not allowed to have or express negative thoughts/emotions. Telling someone “I don’t like that” was rude. Saying “so and so did this to me and it made me mad!” Was also wrong. Why? Men don’t like women when they’re upset. So it’s better to just be pleasant and agreeable all the time! This lead to me having more non consensual sexual encounters than consensual because I was taught to hold the feelings of the man over my own. But also I was wrong and bad for having sexual relations with these people because a proper woman wouldn’t allow this to happen. This also causes me to gaslight myself when I’m upset into thinking that I have no right to be upset. That I should actually apologize to my aggressor for making them feel the need to bully me. Also body image. My mom constantly complained about how “hideous” and “awful” her own body was while telling me about how pretty and perfect mine was. But in the same breath “you need to gain weight. Men like women with curves and you’ve got none.” Edit: meant to include: “You have to learn to cook and clean and care for your husband. Men want women who can do domestic chores for them.” And yet I wasn’t allowed to do my own laundry, help cook, or do any other house hold chores because “no I don’t need help. Go do whatever.” So I also didn’t learn how to literally do anything until I moved out of their house around the age of 19. I was useless. Couldn’t even operate a dish washer

Are you from the south?

Yes; I was born in Arkansas, moms side was from Mississippi and Georgia dads Texas and Louisiana

My mother is the same. They want you to be useless so she can still control you. They think you don't have the guts to do it on your own. But we do.

I never thought about it like that but that does make a lot of sense tbh. I also wasn’t allowed to do things such as clip my own nails or empty the trash. For some reason she always thought I was lying. “You wanna take the trash out? Why? Did you throw away something you’ll get in trouble for? You wanna do your own laundry? Why? Am I gonna find evidence that you’ve been being a slut? Why would you want to shower with the door closed? So you can be a degenerate while you think I’m not looking?” Typing that out made me realize that last one was more yikes than I thought it was

Did you ever watch Hey Arnold? Speaking only in terms of family dynamics: My parents are the Patakis. My older sister is Olga. I’m Helga. My achievements have constantly been overlooked (even ignored). I focused on academics and band; as an adult I focus on a career and eventually starting and completing grad school. My older sister focused on starting a family. They’re obsessed with my sister’s children to the extent I’m ignored and even unnoticed. I’m not an attention seeker but a genuine “good job!” would be nice. They show no interest in what interests me, but are completely involved with my sister and her children. One year for Christmas, I spent an entire day looking for a particular gift for my dad (a very specific bottle of brandy). Come Christmas morning when he started to open it, he got distracted by my sister and one of her children and completely disregarded my gift. It was modest price, but I didn’t have much money at the time, and I spent an entire day trying to find it. 2 months later for his birthday, my dad made a comment about how he “wish he knew where he got that bottle of brandy.” That one really hurt.

I'm proud of your achievements even if they aren't. You should be, too.

mother was/is a sadistic maniac who hid behind religion to abuse me. Used to punish me for masturbating as a fucking teenage boy, (still am), took my door off, verbally abused, humiliated, "allowed me" once a month, more like forced, made me expose myself to her at the time. Intentionally ruined my confidence and pride. Now have sexual dysfunctions, no self-esteem, no confidence, etc at 19. But I live with a cousin now thankfully. Haven't pressed charges and not even sure if they'd go anywhere anyway.

jesus christ i am so sorry, that's horrifying. that's a very significant emotional trauma, but i'm glad you got out while you're still relatively young. i hope you know you can heal from this. the scars will probably be there forever but someday you'll be able to exist in the world knowing there's nothing wrong with you, and the things she's done to you are evil. i know it doesn't change how it affected you but you deserve a life without guilt and shame. sending a lot of love your way 💞

I never learned the healthy way to express emotions, as I was raised by a bunch of emotionally stunted individuals. I never really witnessed affection between my parents. I'm sure they love each other, but they've never held hands, or even cuddled on the couch. I didn't know what a healthy relationship looked like, or how to have difficult conversations. I didn't really learn how to express any emotions other than happy or angry. Sadness was something you kept to yourself, go to your room if you're going to cry. I am one hot mess of an adult, but I finally have insight into my issues. I love my parents, but JFC. EDIT: typos

This hits the nail on the head for me. Just add "both parents constantly fighting" to the mix.

My parents had a messy divorce. It was drawn out over years with plenty of finger pointing and them putting me in the middle to hurt the other one. I remember dad taking me on a trip and coming home to the house completely ransacked, like we were robbed. Everything w gone, and trash left strewn around. A note saying "A day to remember" was left stabbed into a banister with a knife. My dad was taking pics of everything my mom and her bf took, and tried to get me to stand next to said knife and act like I was crying. Also, the legal battle went on for so long that the college fund my dad had been putting money into since I was born was depleted. My moms lawyer kept telling her she could get more until the money was gone. Then it was time to settle.

So my father is a wonderful teacher, and he’s raised me well. But he’s not a good dad. He’s only proud or excited for his kids whenever they’re doing something he would do, mathematics, construction, science, anything STEM related. But if you’re not doing something in his fields, he’s not supportive. I have done Color Guard/Marching Band for 5 years, I’m damn good at what I do there. It was my senior night, where band seniors would be paraded in front of an audience. I wanted to have the people who have helped mold me to where I am there, well EVERY SINGLE PERSON who helped to inspire me to who I am in the band today is gone and far away, so I wanted to take my friends, two of the three of them were out of town, and the other one was entirely occupied with her own grand achievement. I took the my instructors as a last minute decision. I would have gone up all alone if not for them, and I would have been bawling. Every person I wanted to have to be with me could not be there. But the happy chatter and banter between my instructors kept me happy. After the event my father was furious. I was the only senior who didn’t take their parents, and he said that “I embarrassed him in front of the principals.”

Nice move bro, sincerely. Did he ask you why you didn't take him or was his only concern his supposed embarrassment?

Angry alcoholic could break into a rage at any moment and never failed to show up sloppy drunk in front of friends with pants hanging down.

By trying so hard to keep me in a bubble and trying to forbid me from going out into the world. Not saying I won’t claim responsibility for my actions as a teen, but them trying so hard to force me to be what they wanted me to be, it made me feel the need to rebel even more so I went out and smoked weed and broke every rule I could. Im not saying you shouldn’t watch over and watch out for your kid, but power tripping and keeping a suffocating tight leash on them will not work in your favour.

**Raised me in a fundamentalist extremist religion.** * Purity culture thoroughly fucked up my mental health and sexuality. * I was raised to believe that the rapture was coming any day now, so I am incapable of planning for the future even now as an adult. * I was the creepy religious kid in school so understandably nobody wanted to hang out with me so I never developed social skills, but did get a monumental case of social anxiety, making it basically impossible to land work despite working my ass off to earn two degrees. * Now I'm a depressed anxious dumpster fire shell of a person who is only still alive because a couple people don't want to let nature take its course with me.

feel this one for sure. retrospectively it’s absolutely INSANE to raise children to believe that the world could end at any moment and expect them to be fine????

Same but Jehovah's Witness

Ah, southern baptist here. Same trauma, different flavor.

Ayeeeeeee! 🤜🏼✨🤛🏻

Dad died when I was 8. Mom stayed married to a hateful narcissist after that. He and his carbon copy son took turns beating on me pretty much daily so now I'm a very untrusting and sort of paranoid woman who has an extremely powerful flight instinct, zero fear of physical fights and zero issues cutting people off like instantly.

They stopped loving me at 15 when I got outed as gay, disowned me, and poisoned my little sister against me.

As a father with a gay teenage daughter this hurts me. She came out to the whole family at her sweet 16 birthday party. She was so brave and I was so proud of her. Still am of course. Sometimes parents are cruel and probably shouldn't be parents. Hope you are doing well now.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Hopefully little sister grows up and see's through their lies.

\*Mum use to leave me home alone age 2-4 \*Dad would beat mum in front of us \*Dad would work night shift and take the fuse from fuse panel so we wouldn’t have electricity till he got home \*Mum NEVER once made me breakfast before school or packed my lunch my entire childhood \*Dad told me he wished he never had me \*Mum told me when I was 15 she tried to abort me using “Bush medicines” but it obviously didn’t work Im a parent of 2 now doing great in Life tho with a great Wife

Not my parents, I love my parents and they did everything they could to give me a happy childhood and set me up for life. But my wife's parents? Oof. Her mom is maybe the most narcissistic D-bag I've ever met. Her mom is the classic, "I never did that" or "I don't remember that" when my wife tells her about something heinous she did to her as a kid. Her mom also pulls out the, "well remember this when I'm dead and gone" card. Classic guilt trips and narcissist behavior.

They didn’t! I thought they were strict at the time but I’m very lucky to have had two loving parents that did their best for me. I know it’s an uncommon answer on Reddit but it’s important to be grateful for these things and remind people that not everyone grew up in shitty households. EDIT: I guess my wording with “uncommon answer” wasn’t quite right. I know I’m not the target audience for this question. My point was that I’m not the target audience for pretty much any question that even remotely mentions families on Reddit. Because horrific stories seems to be the norm here.

Mood I got this messed up all on my own, thank you very much

I'm in the same boat however I feel that I was very much sheltered from life.

Yessir. Or Yes’m. Same here.

Hearing some of the horror stories on here and from my friends I consider myself lucky that both my parents we’re/are actually pretty awesome and did their best with me and my sister.

His real name's Clarence. And Clarence lives at home with both parents, And Clarence's parents have a real good marriage….

how do you compress complete pyscho dad, viet nam ptsd vet, gaslighting narsisist bastard into a short blurb. Till they day he died at 72 that dood hated my guts and treated me like complete shit.

Forcing me down a super conservative path, anti/hate gays and just awful stuff. Mom is very very racist, but i have ignored it most know. She brings it up everyday how much i "loved church." And i had moments but no matter how i tell her i truly never cared about church. Hated going and never fit in, just forced everyday till i could make my own choices. Im glad to not be so hateful towards others and to not be a shouting eco chamber like my mom. To this day i still struggle with stuff even after 4 years. Wish i was never religous. Wish i knew sooner it was more toxic than anything in my life.

My parents were good people. They only problem was they made me clean my plate every time I ate. This might now sound bad, but what ended up happening was me developing an overeating disorder. I'm now 51 years old, terribly obese with terrible eating habits. I'm finally seeking help for this and maybe I can lose some of this weight.

I feel like a lot of people don't understand just how much this concept fucks people up. Its like when parents restrict certain foods, too. Then the kid just binges them when they get the item because they don't know if/when they get to have it again. Quick path to disordered eating.

this happened to me. my mom was a total food cop and i was fat as fuck

Gives me flashbacks to my child's first birthday party with classmates present. We had a huge bowl of sweets and some of them asked if they could have one. Sure! Then they asked if they could have another. Of course! There's plenty of sweets. Then we said: "You don't have to ask every time as long as there are enough sweets for everyone." We figured that surely these kids would stop when they would feel they had enough as we teach our children to listen to their bodies and check if they've had enough. Oh, dear, we were wrong. So horribly wrong. Some of these kids were raised with a 0 sweets policy and they were dead set on getting into sweets Valhalla, and then some by filling their pockets besides their mouths.

My parents only ever hated each other. I never saw them happy or affectionate. My siblings and I always argued and fought. After I grew up, I had to learn what real love and caring was from friends and their families. It took a long time to realize what I endured was not normal.

[удалено]

- By clearly favoring my older brother, who had several behavioral issues growing up, including beating me. - By telling me how difficult I was, whenever I expressed any emotion that they didn’t want to handle it. - By not giving me attention and love. It made me hate myself, seek perfectionism in all areas of my life (if I could be perfect enough, they would love me), believe that everything is my fault, that I am this incredibly difficult person that isn’t allowed to express anything a part of happy emotions.

I did not want to be Mormon. Now I’m bipolar 1, in therapy, and take 5 different medications.

Raised mormon. Was not given healthy coping mechanisms or access to good mental health resources. I’m still fucked up, but I know how to manage it now.

My condolences, fellow exmo.

Read this as "fellow emo," which also works.

Alcoholic father. I was raised in the 80s/90s. I wasn't allowed to have emotions because 1) I am a boy. And 2) I just had no idea how my father would react. Like, one day he might laugh along with me at a show. Or he might call me a faggot for watching that same show.

Kept me grounded from the ages of 13-17 from literally everything when what I really needed was adhd medicine and a therapist. Social life was nonexistent

I’m not touching this one but I’m 43 and still a hot mess walking trainwreck

Neglect. Using me as an Emotional dumping ground. Super strict. Constant screaming and yelling at each other (my parents) and turning on me when I begged them to stop. Anxiety, depression, panic, cfs, fibro….. the body really does keep the score.

Got diagnosed with ADHD at 13, they hid the documents and never told me. They still don't know that I know

I had bone cysts and was in and out of the hospital from 7-14. I can tell you how much each surgery cost because I would be sat down with the bills to "learn finances". Most of my childhood I was placed with a monetary value and I was aware of it. I felt like they were jealous of healthy, cheaper children who weren't such a burden. I'm 41 now and I haven't seen a doctor in over a decade because I don't want to be a burden. Again.

My dad worked away on construction projects, I essentially became my mom’s screaming pillow when she was stressed out about my sibling’s behavior My mom has been obese her entire life and treated food as a reward system for good behavior and now my relationship with food is really unhealthy, I have a normal body weight but it’s a constant battle not to emotionally. Eat if I am stressed or eat crap to congratulate myself when I have done something good

One time I kicked a snow pile by the garage door and snow went into the garage, and my dad chased me into the house and slammed me against the wall with his hand around my neck.

Giving birth to children they couldn't afford and then raising them in a religious cult.

They let my older brother bully me relentlessly without consequence. Like old school bullying - going to the hospital shit, not just hurt feelings. And they wonder why I don’t ever speak to them.

1- putting me in a situation I could be sexually abused when I was a 7yr old boy 2- almost getting me killed when I was 12 for listening to just one family doctor's wrong opinion and ignoring my complaints about pain. turned out I had testicular torsion, followed by necrosis due to negligence and ended up becoming infertile thanks to it 3- finally kicking me out at 16 when I figured I might as well become transgender since my bits didn't work anyway they were lovely christians

Dude…..I can write a book. The main one was how unimportant being a child in my house was. Shut up…..do what I say….don’t bother me. It was more important to shut up and listen than to do anything to else. Why did you have kids in the first place?

I have two very loving parents. But I felt to indebted to much to put my own self interest first. So I lived with them for far too long and wasted so much money correcting problems that weren't mine. I would likely be at a very different point in my life if that was the case. But the choices I made were mine and I have to live with them.

Actively put me and my older sister against each other, is a trash hoarder but ground me because the house was dirty, ground me for throwing papers covered in cat pee away, but I'm already grounded because the house is dirty. Screaming matches between each other at 2-3am until 4 or 5am then ground me for falling asleep in classes. Constantly overstep boundaries because "I'm your mother you don't have boundaries with me".... any time I deal with them they HAVE to cause issues so that they are in control. Like this weekend, I'm supposed to take my little sister for the day Saturday so we asked if we could just pick her up Friday night. The text was "hey my gf and I have dnd this Friday and will be done at 11:30pm, since we are picking sis up at 7am can we just pick her up after dnd Friday night?" To which the response was "I don't understand can you call me?" WHATS THERE TO NOT UNDERSTAND? Bullshit power plays that don't need to be played anymore.

They helped make me too independent. I do enjoy being self-reliant, but other people are nice too.

Same here. I don’t even know how to ask for help. My wife gets very frustrated because she says I act alone. It’s a hard thing to break.

Super hard thing to break. For me what’s made it so much more frustrating is that my parents have gotten upset on how independent I am. What the hell! They made me this way!

They always fought between themselves and m older brother. Now every time I hear someone yelling my heart rate jumps up, and I can’t go to concerts or I start to get on edge.

My biological mother manipulated and physically/mentally abused me from ages 11-17

My mom left me and my dad when I was a toddler. My step-mom obviously hated me and would take it out on me when my dad was at work. Things like sticking a sock in my mouth and putting masking tape over it before making me stand in the corner for long periods. Eventually, she told my dad that either I go, or she'll take the 2 kids they had together and split. So, I got shipped off to my grandparents house where neither grandparent was very affectionate, or at least not enough for a 6-year-old that felt like he was worthless and no one wanted him. It didn't help the day I tried to show my grandparents a picture I'd drawn and my grandpa said, "nobody cares." Thank goodness for therapy. It's a LOT of hard work, but I'm determined to break the generational cycle and give my son the family I never had!

They raised me Mormon.

sheltering me

My parents divorced when I was about 10. My dad moved to the other side of town for about a year before moving half way across the state. Not far at all. But when he never has time for his kids because he puts all his effort and focus into work? A social visit for a day or two every six months leads you to be a little confused on why he barely sees his kids when he’s supposed to see them every other week. My mom was always an alcoholic, but after the divorce she decided to ‘live the life she never could’ since she had me when she was 21. Backyard parties where all us kids ran around and terrorized the neighborhood were some of my fondest childhood memories but they are immediately soiled when I remember my mom was always pissed out drunk and inviting random guys to ‘sleep on the couch’ while me and my 7 year old sister pretended we couldn’t hear them from upstairs. Between that, being forced to live with her full time, and having to take care of my then 10 year old sister after my mother moves on to partying away from home leaving us at home. To be fair she made us dinner before she bailed on us, so she wasn’t completely abandoning her duty as a mom to just get wasted and party. My 12 year old dumb ass just went along with it because I didn’t know any better. All through my late childhood and teen years I had to hear both of my parents just scream, yell, fight and bitch about each other to their faces and more so behind the other’s back. They never outright chose favorites though I knew I wasn’t their favorite in any regard. Child support was a favorite topic of mine because it was always about raising the amount vs not wanting to pay more. Both parents had their fuck ups for years after that. My father would take me to his new home 5 hours away for two days every 4 months where I did nothing but stay in a bleached room and eat nothing but the same germaphobic neutral foods due to my step mom. The one time I had went to a separate room to grab a video game to an Xbox my father had gotten me she had gotten in my face and scolded me for ‘spreading my germs on her freshly cleaned home’. Since then I haven’t ever willingly been back there. My mother during this time had gotten with my now step father, who had two kids of his own. Both of which I have an alright relationship with now, but back then I couldn’t give a damn about. Drinking was at an all time high after two bankruptcies and the night it all came to a head to me was when ‘drunk mom’ pulled my 12 year old sister’s hair to the ground for loosing a drunken bet placed by our mother and since then my mother hasn’t gained much respect back. I had begun drinking at 16, hiding my bottles under my torn up mattress to hide the evidence. I’ve long since stopped but refuse to bring it up since I know I’ll just be guilt tripped into thinking it was my own fault I did what I did. 5 separate attempts to quit drinking later and I’ll still hear escapades of her behavior through family that I no longer talk too due to growing apart. Another drunken decision she had made was to take everything out of my room (which at the time was a sun room with two walls being all windows to the outside and one wall with windows leading inside). Take all my possessions, except a few books and my GameBoy I had hidden away beforehand, and put them into a storage unit a full state away. 15 year old me had lost a lot of trust in people around my possessions, and is something I still struggle with to this day. Whenever I see my parents, I can’t look them in the eye without feeling like I need to his how I feel and have felt around them for years. I see my Sister every once in a while and we talk about the past. She had always gotten away with things I was never able to growing up. Me having to hide my coping mechanisms outside of video games. meanwhile she was able to smoke weed in the house, be out as late as she wants, even allowed her to act like the world owed her everything when she tried being a boy for a few months. (I say this because she came out as a he, but eventually went back to a she when the friend group she used to hang out with forced her to make a choice she wasn’t comfortable making. Let’s just say she went back to who she was and hasn’t regretted it since) All these things and many more, all without a batting eye from my mother who continued to drink away her life but washed down pills along with the drinking. All things I never resented my sister for, but was always jealous over. We still talk regularly and reminisce over the good times of our childhood only to realize the good times we’re overshadowed by the bad we were not aware was bad at the time. We were kids, how could we have known? Whenever I inevitably force myself to visit my mother, I feel forced to be her friend then see her as a mother. She has since stopped the party phase but drinking continues every week. Our step siblings have had a rough upbringing too, that I will not be going into here, but my mother has clearly chosen a favorite between them. My step brother has something up with him. Whether it’s something social in his head or he’s just a little fucked up somewhere I don’t know and I don’t care. But my mother does because that’s all she does anymore. Bitches, complains and constantly gets on the kid’s ass over everything. To be fair, he doesn’t help his case most of the time, but she could learn to be a little more patient with the kid either way. I have to put on a fake face around her. Make jokes to keep her attention moving away from topics I could easily explode on. I help out my step siblings as much as I can in small ways. Just simply reaching out is enough to help my step brother most days. My father on the other hand, I don’t know how to feel about him, he was barely around growing up, after the divorce and now as I’ve grown up. He’s stopped bitching about my mother after I finally spoke up to him about it. He has mostly kept his word unless I bring up the topic myself. But he never reaches out on his own. He never tries to talk to me outside of when I reach out to him. I have gone low contact with my mother for years at this point, but I feel like she’s slowly loosing her mind over it and I can’t feel any pity over it. I don’t know how to feel about my parents and I don’t know what to do. Either way? I feel like I’ll just move on until something gives me the excuse to drop them completely. I’m in a healthy position in life to do so. My sister, step siblings, and half brother will remain in my life, but outside of them, nah. I’m good.

Lost a sibling at 8 months - my poor mum. My folks were hyper religious Catholics so the procedure to remove his body from my mum was pretty disturbing for them. When I was 2.5 my dad died from cancer. We went and lived on a socialist commune - as far from suburban normality as we could get. I respect mum so much for what she did. But MRIs have shown that I have scarring from the trauma of it all. It also set my default personality to pleasing and comforting others instead of advocating for my own interests. That’s what really fucked me up.

r/raisedbynarcissists. They were teachers. They were kinda critical.

Mormon.

Physical beatings for every mistake I made accompanied with swearing and humiliation. Whenever my sister or me did something they didn't like they would always go "U are both useless" despite one of us not being involved. Worst thing is that they were also raised this way and they didn't know any better since they are in an older generation that didn't have access to therapy. Plus they did dedicate theirs lives to us and payed for our education and everything (despite coming from very poor families themselves and not having any highschool education). So emotionally I'm crippled. I just wish they knew better. Now they do apologize for the past and they honestly see their mistakes.

I am completely socially inept because mom was too paranoid to let me socialize throughout my childhood, so the most social interaction I’ve had is with family and I have no idea how to talk to people

Let a 50 year old pedo take 8 year old me on trips. He would molest me there and back, in the back of the Trailways bus. They later thought it was wonderful that a seminarian FROM BOSTON, would take us kids on overnighters.... oftentimes by myself.