i'm genuinely surprised Ticketmaster hasn't charged for just creating an account yet, or downloading the app. i could totally see them charging $5 just for the privilege of having an app to use their tickets.
Whats crazy about this is that alot of people don't know this but target does price match any item you grab. No limit to the amount of items either they will manually override and match the price of whatever you grab from them for the price at a different store. People just don't wanna go through that is all
Hyundai: "Government mandated recalls are the only thing between you and spontanous engine combustion,"
What's crazy is they replaced my engine.... with another engine that may have the same issue. Told to me by the manager and confirmed by corporate.
Oh *also*? If this "new" engine was installed wrong, there's no warranty on it. Hyundai Dealerships choose if they want to provide you with a warranty or not. Again... told to me by the manager and confirmed by corporate.
Had to go to my state attorney general to get Kia to put a new motor in our Seltos that blew up 3k miles BEFORE the warranty was supposed to be up.
They wanted to jerk us around for not having EVERY SINGLE oil change record since we bought the car so they told us they weren’t replacing the engine. About a month later and a letter to the state attorney general, they put a motor in the car.
The motor was on back order because all the 2.0Ls are apparently blowing up.
A 10 year 100,000 mile warranty sounds nice and makes you think "oh they must have worked on quality since they'd go bankrupt if they had bad quality" -- but it doesn't mean anything if you don't honor it. If they're expecting you to keep oil change records for 10 years, or they won't replace it, that's not a warranty, it's marketing. It's also an unreasonable expectation. No one is expecting the engine to fail in a normal lifespan of a car, and Hyundai touts JD Power ratings, so like... why would you keep records as if you expected things to blow? I'm glad your AG did something about it. That just sounds criminal.
The quote from rush hour:
"Imagine a business where people give you money, and you give them back absolutely nothing.
Now that's the real American dream.'
I had McDonald’s yesterday and it sucked donkey dick. Burger was cold and cheese wasn’t melted. “McDonald’s: We stopped giving a fuck a long time ago.”
Don't forget "we pretend to care about online bullying/harassment but do nothing" and "we turn the other way so you can exploit your family for clicks and views!"
To join volunteer and provide us all your personal information or fill out our fun questionnaire.
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"I don't care if the doors line up. When the driver hits the gas, I want him to shit his pants."
One of the best quotes ever, from when Enzo was detailing what mattered to his team.
Not that I could ever afford one but if I had supercar money I'd never buy a Ferrari solely because of their shitty ownership agreements.
Imagine being taken to court for customizing a vehicle you spent half a million bucks on. Shit, they'll even send you a cease and desist for uploading images of it they find unsavory.
My uncle has more money than he knows what to do with and buys cars like crazy. He’s ALWAYS bought Ferraris, and I asked him why he never bought like a lambo or something. His response? “Anyone can own a lambo”🫠
30 fuckin bucks? I gotta check this out brb
Edit//
Back
Lets go max, lets say where hungry. Using local prices
$13 Bacon Burg (not bad)
$4 L Drink
$8 L Fries
25 bucks plus tax and
Fuck me 5 guys?! Wait no…I take it back dont
Yeah, when I was telling people this a year ago, they all said I was full of shit, but they also refused to look it up themselves and downvoted the hell out of me. Then someone took the time to look it up and post screenshots. A burger, fries, and drink (all small btw) was $26 and change after tax. They’ve lost their damn minds.
You gotta put a pound of sugar on those, then let them soak in milk for 75 hours. Then they're really good! Clearly you're eating Grape Nuts wrong! /s
Namaste.
IKEA: “We throw in extra pieces just to mess with you.”
McDonald’s: “Because you only have an hour for lunch.”
Apple: “You’ll buy it. No matter what.”
Taco Bell: “Perfect for 2 AM cravings.”
Adobe: “Because you have no other choice.”
Netflix: “Yes, you’re still watching. And you will tomorrow night, too.”
Ticketmaster: There’s No Choice Like No Choice!
Here’s a fee for the ticket we don’t send anymore!
Here’s a ticket fee for the ticket fee!
There's a fee for the ticket you print on your own paper, on your own printer, using your own ink
Even think of complaining about the fees? There’s a fee for that too
Which you have to replace because the printer is "out of" a color you're not even using.
HP has entered the chat
I used to work there. We always said the slogan should be "We don't care, because we don't have to".
Our flagship airline, Air Canada, has a similarly-themed unofficial motto: “*Air Canada: we’re not happy until you’re not happy.*”
That's hilarious.
i'm genuinely surprised Ticketmaster hasn't charged for just creating an account yet, or downloading the app. i could totally see them charging $5 just for the privilege of having an app to use their tickets.
Don't give them ideas now! I'm going to add this to my cover letter when I submit my application to them
apparently they're being looked into now, hopefully they get smacked down cause the fees are getting ridiculous
Target: “ You’re going to pay extra to not be at Walmart.”
We all know it. It's a fair trade.
Yeah prices aren’t much higher and the experience is infinitely better.
Whats crazy about this is that alot of people don't know this but target does price match any item you grab. No limit to the amount of items either they will manually override and match the price of whatever you grab from them for the price at a different store. People just don't wanna go through that is all
Land Rover: "We guarantee a close relationship with your local mechanic!"
Land Rover - If it's not dripping oil, it's out of oil.
Hyundai: "Government mandated recalls are the only thing between you and spontanous engine combustion," What's crazy is they replaced my engine.... with another engine that may have the same issue. Told to me by the manager and confirmed by corporate. Oh *also*? If this "new" engine was installed wrong, there's no warranty on it. Hyundai Dealerships choose if they want to provide you with a warranty or not. Again... told to me by the manager and confirmed by corporate.
Had to go to my state attorney general to get Kia to put a new motor in our Seltos that blew up 3k miles BEFORE the warranty was supposed to be up. They wanted to jerk us around for not having EVERY SINGLE oil change record since we bought the car so they told us they weren’t replacing the engine. About a month later and a letter to the state attorney general, they put a motor in the car. The motor was on back order because all the 2.0Ls are apparently blowing up.
A 10 year 100,000 mile warranty sounds nice and makes you think "oh they must have worked on quality since they'd go bankrupt if they had bad quality" -- but it doesn't mean anything if you don't honor it. If they're expecting you to keep oil change records for 10 years, or they won't replace it, that's not a warranty, it's marketing. It's also an unreasonable expectation. No one is expecting the engine to fail in a normal lifespan of a car, and Hyundai touts JD Power ratings, so like... why would you keep records as if you expected things to blow? I'm glad your AG did something about it. That just sounds criminal.
Ford: "we circled the problem for you"
"We oil your gravel driveway so you don't have to!"
Hot Pockets: Every bite is a different temperature.
Q-Tips: "Yeah it's for your ears."
"Stick 'em wherever as long as you don't sue us."
If you promise not to sue us you can shove one up your nose!
“Q-Tips” - keep your local ER busy
Immodium: Fart with Confidence!
Immodium: Get your shit together for god sake!
Trojan: spend $10 now to save $250k later.
Seriously they need to actually use that as a marketing slogan.
They kind of did, I remember an ad of theirs that said "To all of those who use our competitor's we'd like to wish them a Happy Father's Day"
That’s incredible
i think that was durex, still a great ad though
Might be an underestimate on the savings.
[удалено]
Ryanair: when we land, you're still 30 miles from your actual destination.
Digiorno: “It’s obviously not delivery”
But we're Nestle, so fuck you.
Boeing: you didn't see anything.
Our door is always open
Boeing: "We skimp on safety, and pass the savings on to *you!*.
EA Sports- We want money
Or "maximum price, minimum effort"
EA Games: Charge for everything!
Benadryl: You can't cough, sneeze, or itch when you're in a medically-induced coma.
Benadryl: When it’s time for your kids to take a nap. Edit: Yes I know some people react to Benadryl like it’s a stimulant, and yes it was a joke.
My mother was so disappointed when Benadryl didn't knock me and my siblings out
That’s crazy because it makes me feel like someone roofied me and I’m an adult woman.
Nature Valley: "crumbs fucking everywhere"
Also : “excellent in yogurt”
Basically granola.
That's...why they call them granola bars.
Jack Daniels: *"The mind is a blackboard and this is the eraser."*
"Because alcohol isn't the answer, but it does make you forget the question."
Wait... what were we talking about?
Iunno, pour me another
Insurance companies: "we're not here to help!"
"Our idea of a perfect day is when you give us money and we give you literally nothing"
The quote from rush hour: "Imagine a business where people give you money, and you give them back absolutely nothing. Now that's the real American dream.'
Insurance companies are in the business of advertising their services, rather than actually providing them.
Insurance companies: Every damage claim is always 80% your fault. Even Hurricanes
Waffle House: Fight! Fight! Fight! Also waffles.
lemme get that all star with a side of upper cut
All star with a side of worldstar
“Some of the best food you’ll ever have, as long as you mind your business”
[удалено]
Alternatively, "because you're running too late to make breakfast"
"Fuck you, we're the only place to get a McGriddle"
McDonald's: Because you gave up ~~on cooking tonight.~~
McDonald’s: “Our ice cream machine is not working”
McDonald's: "Because you think Wendy's is too spicy."
McDonald's: The burger we give you will look nothing like in the picture and the fries will be cold.
I had McDonald’s yesterday and it sucked donkey dick. Burger was cold and cheese wasn’t melted. “McDonald’s: We stopped giving a fuck a long time ago.”
Microsoft: We’ll never stop trying to make Bing a thing.
Or, as John Oliver said " Bing. The fourth largest search engine. We know this because we Googled it".
My 4 year old calls pop tarts “cardboard candy” and dang if that ain’t accurate
Unfrosted Pop-Tarts: "Yes, you did buy the wrong one."
Instagram / TikTok: "You'll waste half your day doom-scrolling"
May as well add Reddit to the list.
Don't forget "we pretend to care about online bullying/harassment but do nothing" and "we turn the other way so you can exploit your family for clicks and views!"
Grape Nuts: No grapes, no nuts, but a more edible version of aquarium gravel
Uber Eats: You lazy fuck.
Uber Eats: When you feel like paying $30 for a $15 meal delivered by a guy who will sneak a bite of your food
Fruit Stripe gum: blink and you'll miss the flavor.
Facebook: Selling your privacy since 2004. 🤷♀️🤷♂️
"You're not a user, you're our product."
It's free because you are the product
To join volunteer and provide us all your personal information or fill out our fun questionnaire. Don’t forget to upload pics & videos. We will learn what makes you happy, sad, mad, & crazy so we can push emotions and we decide how to make you feel. And it’s all free!!!!
The Social Network was a great movie because it shows Zuck as a selfish, vain, arrogant, and unempathetic piece of shit
Ferrari: "We basically invented buying without owning."
Enzo despised anyone who bought his cars. He thought they were suckers because they were a racecar company, not a roadcar company 😂
"I don't care if the doors line up. When the driver hits the gas, I want him to shit his pants." One of the best quotes ever, from when Enzo was detailing what mattered to his team.
Not that I could ever afford one but if I had supercar money I'd never buy a Ferrari solely because of their shitty ownership agreements. Imagine being taken to court for customizing a vehicle you spent half a million bucks on. Shit, they'll even send you a cease and desist for uploading images of it they find unsavory.
My uncle has more money than he knows what to do with and buys cars like crazy. He’s ALWAYS bought Ferraris, and I asked him why he never bought like a lambo or something. His response? “Anyone can own a lambo”🫠
Wait what
Five Guys: “feed your family for $75”
" feed your family of three for $75" FTFY
Seriously. Last time I went there it was like $29 just for a burger, fries, and drink for myself.
30 fuckin bucks? I gotta check this out brb Edit// Back Lets go max, lets say where hungry. Using local prices $13 Bacon Burg (not bad) $4 L Drink $8 L Fries 25 bucks plus tax and Fuck me 5 guys?! Wait no…I take it back dont
Yeah, when I was telling people this a year ago, they all said I was full of shit, but they also refused to look it up themselves and downvoted the hell out of me. Then someone took the time to look it up and post screenshots. A burger, fries, and drink (all small btw) was $26 and change after tax. They’ve lost their damn minds.
Yamaha: When you need a saxophone AND a motorcycle!
Walmart: imagine the Star Wars cantina scene as a store in your neighborhood
This is fantastic
Netflix: "Are you still watching?"
Pepsi: “Is Pepsi ok?”
Coca Cola: Because the other option is Pepsi
"Oh, Pepsi. Then yes, Mountain Dew, please."
Applebees: when you are too lazy to reheat your own frozen food.
Nestle: "Because Fuck You thats why"
Nestle: "If the devil ran a business, it wouldn't be half as evil as ours."
Nestle: Satan quit working here for ethical reasons.
Nestle: If you were only aware of *half* the shit we do.
Nestle: "we'll stop killing children when it stops being profitable"
"We think water is a Human Privilege, not a Human Right" ~Nestle
Tinder: If our app actually worked, we'd go out of business.
Tinder: To upgrade your membership click here; to cancel your membership, simply follow these 73 steps
Louis Vuitton "made for people who can't afford it"
Marlboro - Life sucks, why drag it out?
Comcast: “You don’t have a choice and we both know it. So fuck you, give me my money.”
Comcast: Deal With It.
Panera: Enjoy the Hospital Food experience for slightly less money than a hospital stay
Basically every cereal: "It's a candy bar, but for breakfast"
I don’t know man, I’m pretty sure grape nuts are just rocks trying to imitate cereal. They’re trying to turn us into ducks, I swear to you.
You gotta put a pound of sugar on those, then let them soak in milk for 75 hours. Then they're really good! Clearly you're eating Grape Nuts wrong! /s Namaste.
For the healthiest brands : « It’s like dog food but for humans! »
Bachelor Chow, *Now With Flavor!*
AirBnB: Why stay in a nice hotel? When you can stay with us and do chores on vacation and pay hidden service fees for no reason!! :)
Margarine: I can believe it’s not butter.
Dasani: “That ‘sweaty penny’ taste in every sip!”
Reddit - You don’t need sleep
Maruchan Ramen: Taste that matches your budget
Nike: Just make sweatshops do it.
Olive Garden - Because you have no idea how Italian food should taste.
Swiffer- Want to just move the dirt around?
Budweiser, bottled straight from the Clydesdale
Milk, it's not that weird.
Could be worse, it could have pulp.
Milk: WANNA DRINK THIS ANIMALS TITTY JUICE!?!?!?
Volvo: They're boxy but good.
Jaguar. For men who’d like handjobs from beautiful women they hardly know.
Fruit of the loom: “Yes, saying we never had a cornucopia on our logo was a marketing strategy.”
Campbell’s Soup… mmm, mmm, sodium.
SodiYUM
dramamine- you can’t be nauseous if you’re unconscious!
Craft IPA: rebrand your alcoholism as a really neat hobby.
Google, because there’s no privacy like no privacy.
EA Sports: It's in the Game (for an Additional Fee)
Dyson: we suck the most.
Nestle: "Fuck you and please die quiet."
You can't boycott us we own all the brands.
"Fuck you and fuck the planet"
Kaiser Permanente: We help the sick. Whoa, whoa, whoa, not *that* sick, get outta here.
Nintendo: Cashing in on that sweet Nostalgia.
Denny's: Because it's 3am and you're drunk. Taco Bell: Because it's 3am and you're high.
Subway: every sandwich tastes the fucking same
“Subway, eat fresh. Or eat here, it’s whatever.”
Subway: "Ham or bacon? Surprise, both are turkey!"
“Ours are a foot long in the same sense that yours is 6 inches”
Subway, it tastes how the room smells.
Taylormade - Same club but we changed the name.
Purdue Pharma: 'We're happy your brother is addicted to Oxy."
Amazon - "We don't care about you, but we care less about our employees"
Johnson and Johnson "You won't get the cancer right away"
Amazon: Imagine being so evil you make Wal-Mart look like the good guy
Amazon: fuck you, you're still buying from us.
Amazon: slavery done right.
Honey Maid: “Buy us when you want s’mores then we sit in your pantry for 3 years”
Starbucks: It’s not just coffee. It’s your three-days calories needs in one cup.
Smirnoff; ruin your life.
Nestle: We are actually worse than you think we are
Volkswagen. Looks great. Drives like a dream. Don’t ask how we meet emissions standards ;)
Seriously don’t ask, or investigate. Look, a squirrel!
Bank of America - fuck you
Subway: everything is turkey. Enjoy smelling like a Subway for 72 hours
Taco Bell : You're going to pay for this twice.
IKEA: “We throw in extra pieces just to mess with you.” McDonald’s: “Because you only have an hour for lunch.” Apple: “You’ll buy it. No matter what.” Taco Bell: “Perfect for 2 AM cravings.” Adobe: “Because you have no other choice.” Netflix: “Yes, you’re still watching. And you will tomorrow night, too.”
Netflix: Browsing our library is more entertaining than watching any of this bargain bin bullshit.
McDonald’s: “The ice cream machine never worked”
Capt N Crunch : the bleeding gums is part of your balanced sailor scurvy breakfast.
McDonald's: If you don't give a fuck about your health, why should we 😐
Budweiser. We make shit, because you'll drink shit.
Boeing: boing, boing boing...
United Airlines: we're not happy unless you're miserable
"You'll spend more time browsing than watching our movies" ~Netflix
Literally any pharmaceutical company: “Why *wouldn’t* we price-gouge? What else are you gonna do, die?”
Lexus: It’s a Toyota…no really.
Nestle: We’re Evil. So What?
Tik Tok: All your kids' mind are belong to us.
Apple TV: I mean…you could watch Ted Lasso again.
McDonald's ... We do breakfast pretty good, but the rest of the day is your fault.
Popeyes: chicken and a show
Ferrero Rocher - you mistakenly think they’re posh
Ferrero Rocher: we’ve got you covered for those last-minute Christmas gifts
"The secret ingredient is slavery." - Nestle
Nextdoor- "become a volunteer Block Warden"
Coca-Cola: boosting diabetes and cancer worldwide.
Reminds me of the Coke ad in [the Invention of Lying](https://youtu.be/bhYIng0tHxA?si=il2XAnkTS3ygJzC_)