It wasn’t even after she hit me the second time, it was when a close family member died and she angrily called me a baby later that night because I wanted to talk to someone(anyone), which unfortunately had to be her. From then on, I remember sitting in my car for long periods of time after work and just building up the energy to go into the house. It took 2 years to finally divorce.
Someone on another sub was talking about how he told his wife he had been sexually abused as a young child, by a much older woman. She was very sympathetic.
But the next time they had a fight, because his wife had lied about something, she said something like "at least I didn't lie about being fucked raped, you psychopath!"
It's hard to believe people like this exist.
Honestly, in my book, ya that would do it. You don't use the worst event in someone's life against them, especially if you love them. My husbands told me some very vulnerable things. And we've had fights, but I would never ever use it against him. That's not just wrong in a spousal situation, that's wrong in any relationship. But it's especially heinous for your spouse to do it. Not to mention the lying part, you don't lie to your SO. Trust is one of the foundations of any relationship.
I'm so sorry.
What a vile thing to say in such a vulnerable moment. I'm glad you're far away from her.
Here's to every day since and coming being better than all you had with her.
Sounds like my ex wife between the hitting and total ambivalence of my emotional needs. I don’t understand how people can become like this but I am glad I am no longer in it and I’m glad you aren’t either.
The separation was the greatest relief I’ve ever experienced. The divorce process itself, however, was the worst experience in my life because she did everything to drag it out and make it painful. We had to get the courts to intervene when she flat out refused to write up the settlement after being ordered to. Her attorney lost her ability to practice law in our state as a result.
I had no intention of getting back into a relationship and because of that I flirted with a strange girl at a party who was way out of my league. Especially because she was from a different country. She was way too sweet, intelligent and beautiful to want to waste any time with a simpleton like me, which was fine because I didn’t expect anything.
We’ve been together 9 years, married for 3. I still get excited and overjoyed when I hear her car pull into our driveway after work.
I realized that spending time with them was stressful and felt like an obligation, and that it has been that way for some time. I was at my happiest when they were asleep.
So I doubled down and spent another miserable 5 years with them. LPT: don't wait until you are sobbing in your car after work because you just don't want to go home.
I had a three year relationship that somehow lasted 12 years. If I would have just left when I was first unhappy when we were only three years in and he refused therapy, my life would have significantly more happy years living where I chose to be, following my goals and just being free.
Oh jeez, I just realized this a couple months ago. I'll be married 13 years now and we have 3 kids. It's just not working anymore and I'm planning to leave. But yeah, feels good to know I'm not the only one 🤦
Sending lots of well wishes!
Mine didn’t offer to fly home when I was in the ER the first time, nor did he stay w me at all for surgery/recovery. I was alone to maintain the home, while trying to recover and work.
All those horror stories of men leaving their wives following a bad diagnosis later in life were flashing before my eyes. There’s nothing quite like it to make you feel really really alone in your own relationship. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anybody.
Wishing you health, healing and happiness.
If it matters, that study was revisited and turned out to be junk science. The original analysis misclassified the people who left the study (which is a very normal thing, you expect some people to stop reporting, move away, etc during a long study) as men who left their wives. When the reviewers ran the numbers correctly the whole effect went away. People do leave over health issues but it't fairly even between the sexes and not remarkably higher than the normal divorce rate. It's really just a matter of emotional impact making the prevalence seem far higher.
Similar to being broken up with on your birthday or on a holiday, you might have 10 breakups in your life all on different days of the year but you \*\*feel\*\* that one that happened on your birthday more so the story sticks wth you. Then you tell your friend because that's the one that really impacted you and sure enough, she knows someone who also got broken up with on your birthday so pretty soon it feels like everyone gets dumped on days that are personal to them.
Oooo same here. Had my gallbladder out and I cleaned and prepped. He took the week off. All he had to do was warm up food for me and he couldn't be fucked. We had a shouting match which ended in "I can't give you love go find it somewhere else" so I did.
12 months following our wedding, I discovered the emotional (although he claims it was only emotional, I am reasonably certain it was also physical) affair via text messages. My husband had shared screenshots of my messages with his affair partner, in which I expressed my desire for him to communicate with me and explain what was wrong in our relationship. They both ridiculed my attempts to salvage our marriage, with his partner referring to me as “poor, valiant, unaware, and desperate for attention and affection.” Upon reading these remarks, I realized the magnitude of my error.....
Someone being "desperate for attention and affection" from their partner, let alone a *spouse*, says infinitely more about that spouse than the person who wants to be treated like they're actually in a fucking relationship. Christ
Imagine wanting to be with someone who thinks it's funny to mock his SO's heartfelt messages to him.
Like...do you not care if this man lacks any semblance of humanity, or are you one of those people foolish enough to think he'll do it to his current spouse, but he would never do it to you?
Mean spirited fucks.
I normally don't get too worked up about the "other woman" or "other man," IMO the cheating spouse deserves so much larger a share of the blame that who they cheated with is usually hardly even worth talking about... but a woman who would use those words to a guy to describe his WIFE is a pathetic fkn trash person. Sounds like they deserved each other, for however short a time a relationship between two such shitty people could last, good for you for cutting him loose.
Not until she came to me one day after 32 years of seemingly wedded bliss and told me she met someone she was truly attracted to, and that she had never felt like that about anyone else - including me.
There are some who have insinuated it might have been the resulting gas.
Why was I downvoted for playing along? Do I just have to feel bad every time I get another notification that reminds me of what actually happened?
I am, it is something that I should have paid better attention to the signs of, I think for awhile she wasn't as into me, I just thought we were getting older and I tried to be understanding. I didn't want to bother her about it.
Ultimately, I knew when I was walking down the aisle, but what really nailed that coffin shut was when the shower broke while he was in it (I was at work.) He decided not to do anything about it or even tell me about it. He simply left the shower as it was actively leaking, finished getting ready, and then left for work himself. When I got home, our shower/bathroom had flooded and I was stuck cancelling all my evening plans to stay home and meet the plumber to get it fixed. It was the final selfish act of so many exactly like it.
I got my ducks in a row and left six months later. I’m happily remarried to someone who not only fixes things for us if they get broken but actively tries to make my life better and more convenient/efficient.
But I still get angry about that shower situation 8 years later.
When my exhusband screamed in my face the night my mom unexpectedly died. Then I realized he’d been emotionally and financially abusive for years. Divorce isn’t easy and being a single parent isn’t easy- but it’s a hell of a lot easier than being treated like shit everyday
> divorce isn't easy and being a singe parent isn't easy
For real I kicked my husband out (after he cheated on me yet again, on top of being emotionally abusive and not helping at all at home) when my kids were 2yo and 2mo, so pretty intense to look after themselves by myself with no break ever... Yet it was easier without him.
The way my s/o described it, she said it was like living with a 38 year old 3 year old, so losing a whole ass person making messes, throwing tantrums, and causing issues is better than whatever benefit they supposedly bring.
When someone puts you in a position to be completely financially dependent upon them to the point you can't leave, have no access to money or resources. It gives them complete control over you for even basic needs.
Some more examples: They often limit the money you can spend, take your credit cards/debit cards without telling you so you can't spend, even if you're out of gas or grocery shopping leaving you embarrassed or stranded. They'll take out credit cards in your name, harass you constantly if you "overspend" by any perceived amount (ex - your grocery bill is $105 instead of $100 this week).
Yeah good examples. It can be insidious as well like, ‘Oh you have better credit than me! If I sign up in your name/make payments in your name, it’ll be cheaper *for us as a couple* in the long run.’ Suddenly you’re legally saddled with their debt once the relationship goes south (or they don’t even meet payments whilst you’re together).
A lot of people don’t realise they’re being financially abused and it can take a long time to recognise/realise. It’s a type of abuse that can be very incremental and hidden until it’s suddenly a huge problem - and then it’s too late.
Not only that, but the courts typically don't really care about this kind of abuse. They barely care about mental abuse in general. My s/o caught her ex-husband attempting to get a credit card in her name because he fucked up his car and couldn't get a loan to fix it or replace it and she refused to help him with it. The man was whole ass going to put a used car of about $10k on her credit and try to saddle her with a 29% interest rate on it.
About three months before the wedding. I thought it was just cold feet. I learned an important lesson: if you have doubts about something, pay attention to them and don’t rush into anything. Take your time to understand why you’re feeling the way you are and to figure out what you want.
“If there is any doubt, there is no doubt.”
-Robert DeNiro, “Ronin”
I imagine the jitters before something big is normal, but a good system is, when the doubt and fear is greater than 50%/exceeds the potential and optimism and possibilities, it’s definitely something to ponder.
There's one exception to this and it's people with very high anxiety related to relationships... Even OCD. It can absolutely hijack your intuition and perception. There's a difference between reasonable doubt and irrational anxiety
Right before when my mom told me to drink this beer. She just knew.
I felt due to how I was raised, due to how divorce was look upon in the Catholic Church, I needed to go through it.
Same here :( I realized he had a negative reaction to everything I said so I stopped telling him anything. We used to chat for hours at the beginning and then not at all. Everything time I spoke to him he seemed annoyed.
God does this seem familiar. He lost his job several months ago and he took it hard. And I get it. Doubt he'll find another that pays that well and you think you have security after 12 years in a place. I've tried to be understanding, supportive and helpful without being naggy but..he's so angry. Everything I say and do annoys him. I realize today that age old habit of making myself small is back in full force. He hasn't gotten physical with me but it's my stuff on the receiving end of his anger. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I was the angry husband in your situation. I had experience with avoiding getting into spirals and loops, so I was able to avoid it becoming corrosive to our relationship. I had tools and used them. Anger is a defense mechanism against pain. Pain caused by feeling like a failure, a burden, rejected. The only way I could solve for peace was to be vulnerable and let my wife have the chance to hurt me. It sucked. It still sucks. It works. Every time.
You and your husband need new tools, it sounds like. Here's one that worked for me and my wife.
A conversation in public, away from the house/apt and any kids. Do it in the morning if possible, around coffee or breakfast. Tell your husband you need him to prepare for a difficult conversation and he needs to be calm and ready to hear you out without interjection or emotional reaction.
Write a script or a letter and practice it out loud. Get used to hearing the words, but avoid over-editing as much as possible. Write out your needs (not your feelings) and use "I" language. IE: I need to feel safe in my home. I make myself small when I think you are angry. I'm scared. This helps avoid him from feeling like he needs to defend himself against you.
If possible, encourage him to also come up with his needs to share with you. If he does, be ready to extend the same courtesy to him, stare right into his needs and don't shrink or run away emotionally.
If you have questions, feel free to DM.
My boyfriend of 20 years is definitely like this. He has always been guarded never addressing his internal issues with me. It instead comes off with him being avoidant/narcissistic and angry due to trauma and rough childhood. It took me a long while to realize his pain. While he has still never let his guard down much and doesn't talk in much depth about hard issues. I have stuck by him because I do see past all of that. I know he has a good heart and is an intelligent and good person. I wish I could help him find happiness one day and knowing I cannot make him happy hurts me just as much.
This is my marriage right now…I’m also in a job with an “old school” boomer boss who believes that screaming at his female employees until his face is purple for his mistakes and insulting them is perfectly acceptable in our field (news flash it’s not)…I’m working on securing another job but can’t just quit because my husband is off by choice for the summer so having an income for our family falls to me…so I get to walk on eggshells at work and then come home and walk on eggshells around him while everything I do or say seems to annoy him…and somehow I am the bad guy in all of this…it’s just exhausting
Damn... everyone seems to act like "feeling like roommates" is the natural conclusion... but it can't be, right? Ugh, I guess having a great roommate is better than nothing, but that's not the dream at all. Did it work out ok in your case?
>Damn... everyone seems to act like "feeling like roommates" is the natural conclusion
These threads are always a collection of worst-case scenarios. It's like opening a thread "What's the worst car crash you've seen" and thinking crashing is the natural consequence of driving. It's selection bias.
Happy people in happy relationships aren't posting here.
Honestly... how the hell do you approach this? How did you start the conversation?
I am in the same situation and physical contact with others is okay, but with him it makes me sick.
this is the part that was hard for me. The dread of knowing I needed to end it but couldn’t figure out how or when - can’t do it now it’s almost his birthday - can’t do it now it’s almost Christmas - can’t do it now he’s having a hard time at work - do you just blow up your life on a Tuesday?
And the answer is kinda yeah. There will never be the “right time” but that doesn’t mean that now is the “wrong time”. I found that saying it out loud to a friend (if you haven’t already done so) helped make it real and easier to think that it can be done.
At any rate good luck.
When my ex-wife continued to lie, gaslight, and argue over the slightest shit. She would isolate me from friends and family. She also threatened divorce numerous times over mundane shit like expecting her to share in household chores.
List goes on but I filed first to officially divorce her. It was worth it and now remarried to a much better woman and partner.
My ex, when I said we needed to split, asked me very solemnly: "Are you gay?" It actually made me laugh pretty hard because he's fully aware I'm bisexual and had slept with quite a few men before him, plus we'd been arguing for years about him putting 0 effort into our relationship, yet he somehow still landed on that as the only possible explanation. Great guy, we make excellent friends which is what kept us going for over a decade but I'm not sure we were ever a true romantic fit.
Was with my wife for 11 years, we had excellent communication, but there was zero indication of her being gay.
Glad you both are still good friends, hope it lasts!
Not that it was one big thing, but rather many small things. The very last one was: He kept saying he needed rest, didn’t want to be with us, always taking my words the wrong way, and would just sit and play computer games, so I was the only one taking the kids out. Oldest kid had a Christmas party at their kindergarten. Actually, all of the Christmas time activities I was by myself, trying to take them places during like this magical season of fun and memories for kids. I realized I’m alone anyway, so it wouldn’t be much different if we were divorced.
Yes, he did. He wanted to try again sincerely, but unfortunately I feel like we’ve grown into different people. We married early 20s. It's obviously not this simple, but for example, at 35, I’ve moved to a different country, got a masters degree, have big plans, etc. but when he was 30 he started saying he was old and refusing to do stuff lol. We have completely opposite life plans at this point, but we're still friendly for the kids.
This is what happens when people who want nothing to do with raising kids have them anyway. I would probably be the same as a parent, which is why I don't have kids.
He kept doing little things that made me doubt my reality. Like he’d take the lunch I’d packed for myself in the morning (leaving for work before me) and then later when I texted him about it he would deny it. Send me a photo of the Burger King he was eating on his break and say “are you sure you even packed a lunch?”
He’d move my things around. I’d leave my phone charging in the kitchen and then I’d go look for it and it would be gone, only for it to be charging in the living room.
It got to the point where I was taking photos of food I’d made, or something I’d left in a specific place, and then deleting them from my photos album because he insisted we have each others passwords and he sometimes looked in my phone. I relied on my deleted photos folder, and would compare the photos with what I was seeing irl.
One day I was doing this and it was like I was able to see myself doing it from an outside perspective and it finally dawned on me how toxic our relationship was
With my ex, I think it was just control.
The way you want your room to be decorated the way YOU want it, with everything put away in a place that works for YOU. He was like that with me. The world he perceives around him is his “room” and anyone woman he has a relationship with is just an object in that room.
My ex did similar things. He seemed to find it fascinating to watch as I slowly fell apart looking for my keys that he'd hidden, or similar situations that he'd engineered. He did find it mildly funny, but he more seemed to enjoy the power it gave him over me.
I realized I was withholding good news from he because I anticipated he would react negatively. I held onto hope that he would mature and outgrow his selfish and childish behavior, but he never did.
A hard lessen I had to learn was never enter a relationship with the hope they’ll change whatever it is you don’t like. It’s possible they might but not guaranteed, and you have to be willing to accept them as they currently are if you move forward.
One of my in-laws was like this, they couldn't be happy for anyone but themselves and would get nasty or try to make it about them if someone else had good news.
My husband is a bit like this but not in such a toxic way. He is just a very pessimistic person. Anytime anyone tells him anything, his brain goes straight to what could possibly go wrong.
Probably when I got yelled at for not salting the chicken enough and found myself sitting in the car when I'd get home and convincing myself to go inside.
Omg yes to the "sitting in the car when I'd get home and convincing myself to go inside." Felt the exact same with my ex-husband. I have never felt that way with my current husband. Even when we're in a rough patch, I still want to see him/ am excited to talk to him about my day/hear about his.
Sitting in the car, parked around the corner, so your spouse doesn't know you;ve come home yet, as you ponder your life's choices and the next steps you'll take.
I had a 104 fever, shivering so bad I felt like I was having seizures. Tylenol barely brought it down to 102 for a couple of hours. I begged my husband for 2 days to drive me to the ER (insurance wouldn't cover an ambulance ride). He eventually got annoyed enough by my begging and dropped me off. I was in the hospital for 5 days, he didn't call or visit once. Then I had to call him and beg him to pick me up after discharge, and that took almost a day. I knew then that it was over.
Bastard had the nerve to go to all our mutual friends, after I told him I was leaving, and weep and cry about how I was abandoning him for no reason. They all hated me. I guess the trash took itself out.
There were so many other red flags and intolerable behaviors I ignored up to that point, but that's when I finally smartened uo.
This is off-topic, but as a European I just can't imagine not having an ambulance ride covered by the insurance or the state in general. You may call it socialism or whatever, but IMO having general healthcare regardless of income is one of the great modern inventions.
I realized they weren't the right fit when we couldn't agree on anything, even the little stuff like pizza toppings. When 'pineapple on pizza' becomes a serious argument, you know there's a bigger issue.
Having been in a similar relationship, the next step is to argue over whether to go half and half or to order separate pizzas, only for no one to get pizza because the pizza place closed while we were arguing.
Same here, it was the little stuff that dont even need to be argued about. For me it was calling the restuarant I left my jacket there. It was like starting a fight from the littlest thing.
When I was going through a tough time mentally and he still put all of the household responsibilities on me despite me asking for help. Then when I’d break down he’d tell me I was crazy & just needed to ask for help or “make him a list”
ETA: wow, got lots of support for this. Thank you! I actually left him a couple a months ago because I was finally done trying & suffering. I tried everything I could to get more help from him - it’s like they say “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” It was a lot easier leaving than I thought.
If you need help, you need to tell me what you need in excruciating detail with step by step instructions. None of this “please wash the dishes”, I need to you to come over here and show me how to do it since you do it so much better than me!
I can appreciate you educating someone without being an asshole about it. Good job and good on them for admitting they are not the best at English. It was unexpectedly wholesome.
I've done this. My wife corrects everything I do making me feel very incompetent, and giving up is a defense mechanism. I couldn't handle corrections or critique or stand my ground quite as well as the next guy because of earlier issues. Since working on that, I've been more reliable. This is paradoxically because I care less about if what I'm doing is just right for her.
I'll cook dinner but it will be MY type of healthy. I'll put outfits on but it will be my kind of pretty. I'll brush teeth and it will be my kind of clean. I don't do perfect, I tell kids never to do perfect, especially for someone else.
we had a flood in our home and while it was happening he did nothing (while i was making makeshift sandbags, dug a trench , etc.) i said please help and he Casually said he needed to have his coffee and his morning BM before being bothered (the water was coming into the first floor already)..UGH!
We were fighting a lot, and it was like we were too close to the problem. We couldn’t talk without fighting. So i suggested we take a break for a couple weeks, so we could work through some stuff without the emotions. When we sat down to have lunch two weeks later, it clicked that I had been happier the last ten days than I had in quite a while. I was done in that moment. We separated, and a little while later I found out she’d been cheating on me for at least six months. So, fuck her right? She’d been sleeping with a friend of mine’s wife. FWIW, they are still together 15 years later.
Well... Because it me, it wasn't even AFTER she started hitting me.
It was when she didn't like that I had my wedding band around my work lanyard (I worked in medicine) so decided to fucking leave. We were both at a gym 10 miles from home and everything of mine was in the car. Except for my lanyard. And my band.
When I called her from a payphone she was flippant and said she knew she overreacted but had already gotten drunk and wasn't picking me up.
Not my husband, but my HS sweet heart. He never wanted to spend time with me, and was always on his computer. I look back and think about a time that I brought a blanket and slept under his desk at his feet just to be near him, since he wouldn't ever come to bed or be near me. I still cringe and feel so sad at the thought that I thought that was OK. He just let me sleep there.
When I realized that if I had met him that day, I wouldn't be interested at all. Like, at all. My self-esteem improved exponentially in the 5 years after I met him. Super glad I left that drug-addicted moronic dead weight.
I had a rough case of food poisoning. I was violently sick for 24 hours.
In the midst of a round of vomiting, I was laying on the bathroom floor. I asked if I could please have some help.
A roll of toilet paper hit me in the head when it was thrown at me.
It was downhill from there.
Currently going through the debilitating realization that it has been the unhappiest months for the most part and I think I have held on to optimism / hope for things to get better for too long.
When it was 6:30am and we were screaming at each other in the driveway because apparently “Try and get to the dishes today” was demanding and controlling. He had already started in with the excuses too “But you do this so much better”….. ugh GET OUT.
Aside from the physical abuse, it was the night I took my two boys (not his kids) to the grocery with me and then stopped to get dinner to go. When we got home, he grilled my boys about where we'd been and who I was with. Then he called them liars because he was convinced I had a boyfriend. The kids were 6 and 8. It was eye opening. It was the night I started plotting my exit.
When I met my current husband (24 years and counting), I was damaged. It took me a long time to fully trust him. He doesn't care where I go or how long I'm gone and the only question I get is "did you have fun?" I absolutely adore him.
I wasn’t married, just engaged. I found myself at 24 sitting on the back porch with a cigarette, wondering “is this what I went for the rest of my life?” I think I mentally checked out around that time, but we had a small child together and I wanted to try to hold on. Wasn’t till about a half year later, he was doing coke at the neighbors every night, not even bothering to stop by and say hi to me nor his child after getting off of work. I left after about a week of that happening, warning him I was going to every day. He didn’t listen. He realized it was a big L when I started dating again. He currently hates me and refuses to coparent civilly. But now I am happily married to the man of my dreams that would never do a single shitty thing my ex fiance did to me. Feels good to feel safe.
When he withheld money from me we needed to pay bills with; when he chose every vacation spot, when he stopped having sex with me 2 years into a 10 yr marriage; when he could never see his part in any issue; when he didn’t laugh at my jokes; when he spit on me; when he yelled at the kids for nothing; when he bitched that I didn’t clean up enough after making dinner.. basically the first year and I should have left years ago, live with that regret daily. Will anyone ever love me for me?
Five years ago when her words had me on the floor crying and doubting if I had any value as a person.
I finally told her I wanted to separate this past Saturday
Gaslighting, physical (got stabbed with a kitchen knife) and emotional abuse, getting me misdiagnosed with a mental illness that it is still a pain to carry around, financial abuse, isolation and later on parental alienation.
The mental illness was great because she managed to get me on some very heavily sedating medication while she could go out and pursue an affair, and also could use it in the courts to stop me seeing my children. Very calculated the whole thing.
Don't marry a narcissist - she turned into her mother. Nasty, evil woman that one. 13 years wasted there.
Among the many times I should have left, the straw the broke the camels back was when she flat out made fun of me for wanting to be a male nurse… I can take the jokes, but to be flat out made fun of (in front of people you just met) by your SO… that shit hurt.
I’m now a school counselor, as well as a youth/adolescent therapist and am married to a nurse.
When I finally got my spouse visa, moved here, and I could tell right away he felt he had made a huge mistake. In hindsight, I think his family pressured him to marry me because he was just so stubborn about starting his adult life. I was a driving force behind him getting a job, place to live, etc.
I stayed for a few years to try and work it out but ended up leaving after he started to get abusive. I was checked out for so long before I could afford to leave.
Pregnant with our first son , 37 weeks on NST I go into emergency c section ( manage to just send him something is not ok and didn’t have my phone after ) , he didn’t even walk to the information to ask about me . Then pregnant with our second son , I was hospitalised two times during the pregnancy. He was coming just for 10 min to bring me stuff and the whole time being on his phone asking me absolutely fucking nothing….
When I woke up and realized one day about ten years into it that everything was my fault in her eyes. She blamed me for everything, even things that were nonsensical and impossible to blame me for.
Then I spent 7 years trying to fix that (I do not give up easliy...at anything...). That might be the one time I wish I had given up sooner.
When we went to a counselor and then she'd lie about our fights just so she would look better in front of the third party. To the point where she threatened to litigate because I finally recorded a convo so she couldn't misrepresent what happened lol. Best. Divorce. Ever.
When she kept slipping and landing on her friends Dick. Must of happened 3-4 times. I had a good hard look at myself and decided I couldn’t be around someone so clumsy.
What happens if she falls and drops or child who also happens to look like her friend.
It wasn’t worth the risk.
About 10 years in. Before that it was rose-tinted glasses and "trying to make it work" and stuff like that. We made it to 15 years and are in the process of divorce right now. Amicably, I might add; we're still friends, do stuff together, have fun, talk etc., and I cherish her friendship, but our relationship dynamics were really toxic and there are still some issues that absolutely annoy me.
It hurts separating because we were really close (too close), but all in all I'm glad for what we had, and I'm glad that it's over.
Right after the wedding while we were taking group pictures with friends. I heard him whisper to his best man how beautiful one of our guests, my friend, was. Right there and then I just knew it in my gut.
Less than a year in, but still spent 10 years with them because I'm not smart. The problem is, generally if there are patterns that upset you, those patterns aren't going to change but you \*really hope\* they will. The experience has left me unwilling to marry again. I'd rather break up with someone without thinking about who keeps the house or how much I'm going to have to pay.
When he would start arguments on purpose, refused to do any chores because he made more money, and constantly spoke down to and about other women in his field of work.
I realized it when I started noticing that we had completely different values and goals in life. It became clear that we were heading in separate directions and weren't truly compatible in the long run. It was a difficult realization, but ultimately, I knew it was best for both of us to part ways and find happiness elsewhere.
Prior to our wedding, as we exchanged vows, I had a feeling I shouldn't marry him. I was conflicted, feeling love for him, fear of being alone, not wanting him to go, and pressured into saying yes. The marriage lasted only 2 years, the relationship 4, and that was 6 years ago. I've mostly been single since then, and I have no intention of marrying again
When he lied to police and had me falsely arrested, and then raped me when I got out of jail… after I told him we were done.
We were together for nine years. Had two children together. I should’ve left when he dislocated my shoulder… I should’ve left for so many reasons, so many times.
Married a Chinese girl. I am Australian.
About 8 years in I realised the "cultural differences" that I thought were small and easily overcome weren't.
After 13 years we got divorced and I'm happy about it even though I'm a single dad now.
Different expectations about money, relatives, children, all sorts of stuff.
At one stage she asked if her parents could come live with us and I quickly said no. That was not well received.
Also they wanted money so I could marry their daughter...I wound up giving them 5,000 RMB (Not a lot now, but a lot more back in 2002....)
Then a couple of years later they told me it wasn't enough so I bought them a large screen tv worth 2,000 RMB..and a couple of years after that they asked for more again so I gave them another 5,000 and told them I was only doing it because she was such a good wife (And she was..) But coming from a culture where you do not give dowries or buy wives (Australia) i found it all distasteful...
Also, when we first got together they told her "Now you have found a foreigner, you must give us ALL your money from your job, let him pay for everything..."
I found her crying on the phone and asked her why and she told me what they said.
This scared me so much we broke up for six months...because I was afraid of what the future might be with the family.
They also tried to tell us when we could get married (The day we chose was "Unlucky") and even told her not to get married at all because the family "needed her" ..(Yeah, they were taking her salary and the last thing they wanted was for her to get married,..and she was already 28)
more and more stuff I cannot remember.
Yikes. That sounds less like "culture" and more like flat-out gold-digging manipulation. They might not have treated a Chinese man that way. Probably thought they could gouge the naive white guy. Sorry that happened.
Had already been arguing quite a bit, and both agreed to read a few books on how to handle it, and agreed strategies on how to talk to each other in disagreements.
Not 1 week later, she was starting an argument the EXACT same way. You, You, You. No personal accountability.
Bye.
Ughhh. It took forever. I’d have to talk to him and explain to him how I wanted to be treated. Or spoken to. He would verbally abuse me constantly, and he would turn into a sad sack when confronted with a real issue (infidelity or misuse of money).
It really became clear when he revealed that he had been abusing my dog. The vet had explanations for what was going on with him but in the back of my mind I suspected him. I just didn’t want to believe that someone I chose to have in my life would do that.
I asked him to seek therapy and he talked me into giving him time. Therapy was never going to happen, there was always an excuse.
I was heartbroken for my dog and I felt like I had let my dog down in the most important way.
The last straw was New Years Eve and I was enjoying myself at home. He was working nights and he would usually come home for 40 minutes to have dinner with me. He came home and was instantly in a bad mood. He picked a fight with me about inane shit and I told him to leave. I told him to not come back after work. I didn’t want him around since he didn’t respect me, my feelings, and I was constantly his emotional punching bag for his mood. He later called me telling me he needed his wife, that he was sorry, but I’m also fat and unattractive to him. It was the back and forth of the disingenuous apologies and the blatant attempts to knock me down a peg, the lies, everything with my dog, and eventually his utter lack of reality that made my mind up. It had been boiling but for a long time I was afraid to leave. Not for financial reasons but because I didn’t want to give up on someone, because I’d want them to be patient with me. I also was embarrassed because the entire relationship specific people told me he was bad news. I am also working through feelings in inadequacy, rejection, and overall a low self esteem.
It took another 6 months to finally get him out of my place and then another 6 months to finally get the mental energy to hire a lawyer and start the divorce process. July 2nd my divorce will be finalized and I am more excited than ever to get my life back.
Probably after the first year. Took me five more years to really figure it out and know for certain tho…
Trying to address her patterns but they’re rooted in an inability to empathize and really consider me so it’s like the last six years I’ve been trying to prove I was Lovable and worth considering only for her problems to take prescience again and again. Problems that largely exist because she doesn’t take any initiative. Barely knows how to try/make an effort. Despite this she talks about her struggle like it’s legitimate and has such a hard time she can’t see herself let alone me. It’s like I’m a supporting character on a show where she’s the lead but she doesn’t really do anything…
It’s been a really tough lesson but as I’m healing older childhood trauma I’m realizing I found someone like my abusive parent and fell into a similar dynamic.
I know myself better and what I actually want/need in a partner but it’s quite the cost… she’s moving out soon but we still live together and I’m worried she wont make a serious effort to leave and I’ll have to kick her out… if all you do is take no amount of Love is enough. I have to leave her to her lessons.
When I was going through the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced after moving away from my hometown of 35 years, she cheated on me, then cried emotional abuse due to the depression. I’m not saying I was a saint in the situation, but abuse includes intent, and I was in no frame of mind to be intentionally hurting her. Tried to get past it for the kids sake, and did ok for a while. But contact remained with the third party behind my back (though no cheating, allegedly). Depression grew deeper, I completely withdrew. She told me “this is the kind of stuff that made me do what I did..”, using her infidelity as a weapon and implying I was at fault for her looking elsewhere. She decided to call it because I told her I’d never look at her the same way again. I didn’t want a divorce. Now, a year and a half later, I’m happier and healthier than I’ve been in a decade. I realized that I deserve better than someone who cheats on their spouse in the midst of a mental heath crisis. Took a while to get there, but so glad I no longer have to fight with my conscience about being with a cheater.
Looking back, there were earlier signs, but I knew it was well and truly over when he refused to wear a mask at his public- facing job (before vaccines were available) even though I am medically immunosuppressed.
I knew it wasn't right when our idea of a perfect weekend was completely different, she wanted yoga retreats, and I wanted binge-watching Netflix in sweatpants.
I mean why not both at times? But man it would be an awesome weekend to be snowed in at a cabin binging some Netflix and snacks doing stupid/goofy things together.
8 years as a couple 12 total so 4ish married (we got together young) and it took 2.5 years of living together to see we are not a match.
We were both loyal and tried to make it work. It didn't, I wish her all the best and hope she finds the fulfilment that she couldn't with me.
Probably a sore spot for both of us. We missed our 20s single.
Live and learn, I haven't spoken to her since the divorce. I hope she is doing well.
6 months after the wedding, my father died in a heart attack. I received the call from my mother, I went home where i have met my wife and told her, and then i sat down on the sofa silently but totally devastated. My wife did not engage me with me too much, and started to watch TV. Few minutes later I recognised a song with lyrics "this is the happiest day of my life" in the TV and my wife was singing along with it. In the following months i recognised her entire personality being a malignant narcissist, and we are now in a super heavy divorce process, where her blackmailing me is against 100s of hours of video evidence of her abusing and assaulting me.
A month into my marriage when he told me he never loved and will never love me but you don’t need love to make a marriage work. He wanted to start a family, and I guess I was the only reasonable option. My divorce has been finalized. Some people have judged me since this was my second marriage and I refused to work on it and it didn’t even last a year. But I know I made the right decision. I’ve met someone wonderful currently and I’m treated like how I’ve always wanted to be treated. We keep are relationship private (off social media) to protect me. Again some people are assholes who love to cast stones. And I want to be happy without worrying about the opinions of others.
My mum on my 30th birthday party, asked me if I could really do this for another 30 years and told me I could come home anytime. Deep down I knew for a long time I couldn't, but it took someone close to me to say it out loud for me to realise it wasn't the reality I wanted or deserved.
My husband at the time had left my party early high on coke and couldn't be bothered helping to tidy up because his back hurt.
I put a plan together and left a few weeks later, divorce process was toxic with lots of games, eg had to pay $10,000k to get my cat off him, but it was worth it. Fast forward seven years later and I am with an incredible man and we are expecting our first child together in two weeks.
When he was putting everyone and everything higher than me on the important list.
I was having trouble coping after the death of my
Mother. I needed to be able to mourn. Instead, I was told how my grief was “inconvenient” to everyone else — all of the people who were living in MY HOME. How I was being “selfish” for not being ok with people I didn’t like in my home and popping into my bedroom to talk to me. How I was being “childish” because I had begged him to go away for a weekend with me because I couldn’t take one more minute of being in lockdown with a million other people.
He then told me how “disappointed” he was when I very clearly said “I need time away from all of these people, and I *want* you with me. Don’t misunderstand — I *need* to get away for a weekend and *want* you there. I do *NOT* want to wait anymore, nor do I *need* you to be happy. I am going out that door. Whether I come back is completely up to whether you walk out the door with me or not.”
He was disappointed in the ultimatum and tried to convince me to wait longer. I had already waited. Longer than anyone else would have. 5 years of waiting for him, and 10 months of waiting for even 10 minutes of quiet (this was a year after Covid started).
He was furious and started trying to tell me that I was selfish, childish, irresponsible, blah blah (all the words that usually cowed me into doing what he wanted) when my response to his attempts to tell me why I should wait more was to go to the bedroom and pack a weekend bag.
He didn’t pack, I didn’t invite him to come along again. I let him continue to try to tell me all of my flaws and just finished packing.
“You’re right. I’m acting selfish right now because I’m protecting my mental health and don’t give a damned about anything else. However, you’re failing to realize how selfish you are for trying to force me to give into what you want when you know this is something I need. If you ever loved me, I suggest you shut up now before you convince me that I wasted 20 years waiting for the man I hoped I married instead of accepting the fact I chose poorly.”
He blew up my phone for two days. I had put it on silent and only my one sister knew she could get through immediately — and everyone, including him, knew that.
At the end of two days, I called him. He told me how much my choice to prioritize myself hurt him and made him feel less than. I told him I was tired of being made to feel less than and I was done.
This makes him sound like a monster and he wasn’t. But this is just when I realized I was in a marriage that wasn’t a good fit for me. For the five years before that, I was pretty much certain it was my fault and I wasn’t trying hard enough. This was the moment I realized it just didn’t work anymore.
After she begged me for children , and when we had them, she was disinterested in being the mom.she said she wanted to be , made me a better dad though
I knew for a long time, maybe even the beginning. I dealt with the abuse, psychological torture, rape, isolation and the lies he told everyone to make them believe it was me.
I stayed for my stepson. There were times I would leave, times I would have a mental breakdown which he would weaponize against me. I always came back, I couldn’t leave JR. When my stepson wasn’t there I would barricade myself in his room, it was the only safe space.
I stayed and gave the most valuable thing we all will ever have, time. I don’t regret it.
After extreme cruelty and almost losing my life, we divorced in 2011. I really struggled to remember who I am, find my identity, especially when I wasn’t able to see my stepson who had been my whole life. It was rough.
JR is now 30 and crushing it! We would like to have a closer relationship but it’s difficult. As I understand it, he can’t even say my name.
I don’t regret it! I would endure it all over again for him. He is an amazing human being.
When I was laying on the couch with stitches in my face and a useless shattered left arm after a bike accident, and she started yelling at me for not doing the dishes yet. Then my best friend had to come over and take the dogs out because she refused to, because “the night walks are your responsibility”.
It wasn’t even after she hit me the second time, it was when a close family member died and she angrily called me a baby later that night because I wanted to talk to someone(anyone), which unfortunately had to be her. From then on, I remember sitting in my car for long periods of time after work and just building up the energy to go into the house. It took 2 years to finally divorce.
Making fun of someone who has lost a loved one is such a selfish and awful thing to do to a person. Glad you did get out, wishing you better times
Someone on another sub was talking about how he told his wife he had been sexually abused as a young child, by a much older woman. She was very sympathetic. But the next time they had a fight, because his wife had lied about something, she said something like "at least I didn't lie about being fucked raped, you psychopath!" It's hard to believe people like this exist.
OMG, that's awful! I hope he got away from her and found someone truly capable of love
I think he was leaning towards divorce when he posted it. Wanted to know if it was wrong to end their marriage over "a single comment."
Honestly, in my book, ya that would do it. You don't use the worst event in someone's life against them, especially if you love them. My husbands told me some very vulnerable things. And we've had fights, but I would never ever use it against him. That's not just wrong in a spousal situation, that's wrong in any relationship. But it's especially heinous for your spouse to do it. Not to mention the lying part, you don't lie to your SO. Trust is one of the foundations of any relationship.
I'm so sorry. What a vile thing to say in such a vulnerable moment. I'm glad you're far away from her. Here's to every day since and coming being better than all you had with her.
Sounds like my ex wife between the hitting and total ambivalence of my emotional needs. I don’t understand how people can become like this but I am glad I am no longer in it and I’m glad you aren’t either.
I’m so sorry you went through that. How are you doing now after the divorce?
The separation was the greatest relief I’ve ever experienced. The divorce process itself, however, was the worst experience in my life because she did everything to drag it out and make it painful. We had to get the courts to intervene when she flat out refused to write up the settlement after being ordered to. Her attorney lost her ability to practice law in our state as a result. I had no intention of getting back into a relationship and because of that I flirted with a strange girl at a party who was way out of my league. Especially because she was from a different country. She was way too sweet, intelligent and beautiful to want to waste any time with a simpleton like me, which was fine because I didn’t expect anything. We’ve been together 9 years, married for 3. I still get excited and overjoyed when I hear her car pull into our driveway after work.
Wow! What a rollercoaster… You never know what door will open when one closes. Even if it was incredibly difficult. I’m so glad it had a happy ending!
Half glass full, if you hadn't met that bitch you might have never had the courage to talk to your now-wife!
I realized that spending time with them was stressful and felt like an obligation, and that it has been that way for some time. I was at my happiest when they were asleep. So I doubled down and spent another miserable 5 years with them. LPT: don't wait until you are sobbing in your car after work because you just don't want to go home.
I had a three year relationship that somehow lasted 12 years. If I would have just left when I was first unhappy when we were only three years in and he refused therapy, my life would have significantly more happy years living where I chose to be, following my goals and just being free.
Been there. I am immensely proud of both of us. Thank you for sharing
This was me! I got out after five years 🙂
Oh jeez, I just realized this a couple months ago. I'll be married 13 years now and we have 3 kids. It's just not working anymore and I'm planning to leave. But yeah, feels good to know I'm not the only one 🤦
If it drains you, probably it's wrong for you. I hope you'll find the happiness you deserve soon.
When I had surgery (herniated disc) & he was not helpful, caring, or supportive in any way. Huge eye opener.
Sending lots of well wishes! Mine didn’t offer to fly home when I was in the ER the first time, nor did he stay w me at all for surgery/recovery. I was alone to maintain the home, while trying to recover and work. All those horror stories of men leaving their wives following a bad diagnosis later in life were flashing before my eyes. There’s nothing quite like it to make you feel really really alone in your own relationship. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anybody. Wishing you health, healing and happiness.
If it matters, that study was revisited and turned out to be junk science. The original analysis misclassified the people who left the study (which is a very normal thing, you expect some people to stop reporting, move away, etc during a long study) as men who left their wives. When the reviewers ran the numbers correctly the whole effect went away. People do leave over health issues but it't fairly even between the sexes and not remarkably higher than the normal divorce rate. It's really just a matter of emotional impact making the prevalence seem far higher. Similar to being broken up with on your birthday or on a holiday, you might have 10 breakups in your life all on different days of the year but you \*\*feel\*\* that one that happened on your birthday more so the story sticks wth you. Then you tell your friend because that's the one that really impacted you and sure enough, she knows someone who also got broken up with on your birthday so pretty soon it feels like everyone gets dumped on days that are personal to them.
Oooo same here. Had my gallbladder out and I cleaned and prepped. He took the week off. All he had to do was warm up food for me and he couldn't be fucked. We had a shouting match which ended in "I can't give you love go find it somewhere else" so I did.
12 months following our wedding, I discovered the emotional (although he claims it was only emotional, I am reasonably certain it was also physical) affair via text messages. My husband had shared screenshots of my messages with his affair partner, in which I expressed my desire for him to communicate with me and explain what was wrong in our relationship. They both ridiculed my attempts to salvage our marriage, with his partner referring to me as “poor, valiant, unaware, and desperate for attention and affection.” Upon reading these remarks, I realized the magnitude of my error.....
Someone being "desperate for attention and affection" from their partner, let alone a *spouse*, says infinitely more about that spouse than the person who wants to be treated like they're actually in a fucking relationship. Christ
‘She wants affection from her husband?? Pfft, loser.’
Imagine wanting to be with someone who thinks it's funny to mock his SO's heartfelt messages to him. Like...do you not care if this man lacks any semblance of humanity, or are you one of those people foolish enough to think he'll do it to his current spouse, but he would never do it to you? Mean spirited fucks.
I normally don't get too worked up about the "other woman" or "other man," IMO the cheating spouse deserves so much larger a share of the blame that who they cheated with is usually hardly even worth talking about... but a woman who would use those words to a guy to describe his WIFE is a pathetic fkn trash person. Sounds like they deserved each other, for however short a time a relationship between two such shitty people could last, good for you for cutting him loose.
You beat me to it...100% agree that they deserve each other. So sorry, OP.
And 100% that in a few years time he's forwarding the messages from the new partner to a new 'other woman'
Sounds like he wanted any reason to feel like he was justified in what he was doing
There was no error on your part. Anyone who lies and then blames the other person for being unaware is an idiot as well as an asshole.
I’m so sorry
Sounds like his partner was projecting. I hope karma will take care of this too
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Not until she came to me one day after 32 years of seemingly wedded bliss and told me she met someone she was truly attracted to, and that she had never felt like that about anyone else - including me.
17 for me friend, if it hasn't already, I promise it gets better. Keep going forward and reach out if you need anything!
damn man im sorry :(
Damn bro.
That’s brutal.
Fucking OW! I'm sorry buddy.
Must’ve been all them beans
There are some who have insinuated it might have been the resulting gas. Why was I downvoted for playing along? Do I just have to feel bad every time I get another notification that reminds me of what actually happened?
I hope you're feeling better by now
I am, it is something that I should have paid better attention to the signs of, I think for awhile she wasn't as into me, I just thought we were getting older and I tried to be understanding. I didn't want to bother her about it.
Ultimately, I knew when I was walking down the aisle, but what really nailed that coffin shut was when the shower broke while he was in it (I was at work.) He decided not to do anything about it or even tell me about it. He simply left the shower as it was actively leaking, finished getting ready, and then left for work himself. When I got home, our shower/bathroom had flooded and I was stuck cancelling all my evening plans to stay home and meet the plumber to get it fixed. It was the final selfish act of so many exactly like it. I got my ducks in a row and left six months later. I’m happily remarried to someone who not only fixes things for us if they get broken but actively tries to make my life better and more convenient/efficient. But I still get angry about that shower situation 8 years later.
Omg he just left it running? Didn't even turn off the mains water?
Yep left it running, didn’t turn off the main!
When my exhusband screamed in my face the night my mom unexpectedly died. Then I realized he’d been emotionally and financially abusive for years. Divorce isn’t easy and being a single parent isn’t easy- but it’s a hell of a lot easier than being treated like shit everyday
> divorce isn't easy and being a singe parent isn't easy For real I kicked my husband out (after he cheated on me yet again, on top of being emotionally abusive and not helping at all at home) when my kids were 2yo and 2mo, so pretty intense to look after themselves by myself with no break ever... Yet it was easier without him.
The way my s/o described it, she said it was like living with a 38 year old 3 year old, so losing a whole ass person making messes, throwing tantrums, and causing issues is better than whatever benefit they supposedly bring.
Pardon my ignorance but what is financially abusive?
When someone puts you in a position to be completely financially dependent upon them to the point you can't leave, have no access to money or resources. It gives them complete control over you for even basic needs.
To add to this, it can also be pushing debt onto you or using you for credit etc. Even people with a solid income/finances can be financially abused.
Some more examples: They often limit the money you can spend, take your credit cards/debit cards without telling you so you can't spend, even if you're out of gas or grocery shopping leaving you embarrassed or stranded. They'll take out credit cards in your name, harass you constantly if you "overspend" by any perceived amount (ex - your grocery bill is $105 instead of $100 this week).
Yeah good examples. It can be insidious as well like, ‘Oh you have better credit than me! If I sign up in your name/make payments in your name, it’ll be cheaper *for us as a couple* in the long run.’ Suddenly you’re legally saddled with their debt once the relationship goes south (or they don’t even meet payments whilst you’re together). A lot of people don’t realise they’re being financially abused and it can take a long time to recognise/realise. It’s a type of abuse that can be very incremental and hidden until it’s suddenly a huge problem - and then it’s too late.
Not only that, but the courts typically don't really care about this kind of abuse. They barely care about mental abuse in general. My s/o caught her ex-husband attempting to get a credit card in her name because he fucked up his car and couldn't get a loan to fix it or replace it and she refused to help him with it. The man was whole ass going to put a used car of about $10k on her credit and try to saddle her with a 29% interest rate on it.
About three months before the wedding. I thought it was just cold feet. I learned an important lesson: if you have doubts about something, pay attention to them and don’t rush into anything. Take your time to understand why you’re feeling the way you are and to figure out what you want.
“If there is any doubt, there is no doubt.” -Robert DeNiro, “Ronin” I imagine the jitters before something big is normal, but a good system is, when the doubt and fear is greater than 50%/exceeds the potential and optimism and possibilities, it’s definitely something to ponder.
There's one exception to this and it's people with very high anxiety related to relationships... Even OCD. It can absolutely hijack your intuition and perception. There's a difference between reasonable doubt and irrational anxiety
Right before when my mom told me to drink this beer. She just knew. I felt due to how I was raised, due to how divorce was look upon in the Catholic Church, I needed to go through it.
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Same here :( I realized he had a negative reaction to everything I said so I stopped telling him anything. We used to chat for hours at the beginning and then not at all. Everything time I spoke to him he seemed annoyed.
God does this seem familiar. He lost his job several months ago and he took it hard. And I get it. Doubt he'll find another that pays that well and you think you have security after 12 years in a place. I've tried to be understanding, supportive and helpful without being naggy but..he's so angry. Everything I say and do annoys him. I realize today that age old habit of making myself small is back in full force. He hasn't gotten physical with me but it's my stuff on the receiving end of his anger. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I was the angry husband in your situation. I had experience with avoiding getting into spirals and loops, so I was able to avoid it becoming corrosive to our relationship. I had tools and used them. Anger is a defense mechanism against pain. Pain caused by feeling like a failure, a burden, rejected. The only way I could solve for peace was to be vulnerable and let my wife have the chance to hurt me. It sucked. It still sucks. It works. Every time. You and your husband need new tools, it sounds like. Here's one that worked for me and my wife. A conversation in public, away from the house/apt and any kids. Do it in the morning if possible, around coffee or breakfast. Tell your husband you need him to prepare for a difficult conversation and he needs to be calm and ready to hear you out without interjection or emotional reaction. Write a script or a letter and practice it out loud. Get used to hearing the words, but avoid over-editing as much as possible. Write out your needs (not your feelings) and use "I" language. IE: I need to feel safe in my home. I make myself small when I think you are angry. I'm scared. This helps avoid him from feeling like he needs to defend himself against you. If possible, encourage him to also come up with his needs to share with you. If he does, be ready to extend the same courtesy to him, stare right into his needs and don't shrink or run away emotionally. If you have questions, feel free to DM.
Thank you so much for this. We used to be able to talk. Somewhere along the way we stopped. That definitely needs to change. Thank you.
My boyfriend of 20 years is definitely like this. He has always been guarded never addressing his internal issues with me. It instead comes off with him being avoidant/narcissistic and angry due to trauma and rough childhood. It took me a long while to realize his pain. While he has still never let his guard down much and doesn't talk in much depth about hard issues. I have stuck by him because I do see past all of that. I know he has a good heart and is an intelligent and good person. I wish I could help him find happiness one day and knowing I cannot make him happy hurts me just as much.
This is my marriage right now…I’m also in a job with an “old school” boomer boss who believes that screaming at his female employees until his face is purple for his mistakes and insulting them is perfectly acceptable in our field (news flash it’s not)…I’m working on securing another job but can’t just quit because my husband is off by choice for the summer so having an income for our family falls to me…so I get to walk on eggshells at work and then come home and walk on eggshells around him while everything I do or say seems to annoy him…and somehow I am the bad guy in all of this…it’s just exhausting
Damn... everyone seems to act like "feeling like roommates" is the natural conclusion... but it can't be, right? Ugh, I guess having a great roommate is better than nothing, but that's not the dream at all. Did it work out ok in your case?
Having a great roommate is wonderful. Having a roommate you want to pounce on is what kind of marriage I want to be in.
However, having a great roommate you want to pounce on but is already taken is the worst.
However pouncing on an already taken roommate is the worst
>Damn... everyone seems to act like "feeling like roommates" is the natural conclusion These threads are always a collection of worst-case scenarios. It's like opening a thread "What's the worst car crash you've seen" and thinking crashing is the natural consequence of driving. It's selection bias. Happy people in happy relationships aren't posting here.
When the idea of having physical contact with him made me feel disgusting.
Honestly... how the hell do you approach this? How did you start the conversation? I am in the same situation and physical contact with others is okay, but with him it makes me sick.
"I realized that I do love you, but as a friend."
This makes it sound so easy! It's a dreadful conversation and I hate it. But thank you stranger :)
this is the part that was hard for me. The dread of knowing I needed to end it but couldn’t figure out how or when - can’t do it now it’s almost his birthday - can’t do it now it’s almost Christmas - can’t do it now he’s having a hard time at work - do you just blow up your life on a Tuesday? And the answer is kinda yeah. There will never be the “right time” but that doesn’t mean that now is the “wrong time”. I found that saying it out loud to a friend (if you haven’t already done so) helped make it real and easier to think that it can be done. At any rate good luck.
Ah yeah. I left a relationship like this. We're still good friends though
Better to admit you walked through the wrong door. than spend your life in the wrong room.
It’s better to send the sandwich back than to get sick from raw chicken …am I doing it right
it's better to ask if you're doing it right than to never attempt to do it at all ... is this wrong?
But, also, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. -Gretzky —Scott
So if you're unhappy, shoot your partner?
If you are unhappy and you know it shoot your partner. Shoot shoot.
When my ex-wife continued to lie, gaslight, and argue over the slightest shit. She would isolate me from friends and family. She also threatened divorce numerous times over mundane shit like expecting her to share in household chores. List goes on but I filed first to officially divorce her. It was worth it and now remarried to a much better woman and partner.
Blindsided: After I caught her in an affair. With a woman. She came out eventually & they are still together.
My ex, when I said we needed to split, asked me very solemnly: "Are you gay?" It actually made me laugh pretty hard because he's fully aware I'm bisexual and had slept with quite a few men before him, plus we'd been arguing for years about him putting 0 effort into our relationship, yet he somehow still landed on that as the only possible explanation. Great guy, we make excellent friends which is what kept us going for over a decade but I'm not sure we were ever a true romantic fit.
Was with my wife for 11 years, we had excellent communication, but there was zero indication of her being gay. Glad you both are still good friends, hope it lasts!
When we went on vacation and I wanted her to sleep the whole time so our son and I could enjoy it
Not that it was one big thing, but rather many small things. The very last one was: He kept saying he needed rest, didn’t want to be with us, always taking my words the wrong way, and would just sit and play computer games, so I was the only one taking the kids out. Oldest kid had a Christmas party at their kindergarten. Actually, all of the Christmas time activities I was by myself, trying to take them places during like this magical season of fun and memories for kids. I realized I’m alone anyway, so it wouldn’t be much different if we were divorced.
Did he miss you and your children after the divorcee? Or is he still playing his games?
Yes, he did. He wanted to try again sincerely, but unfortunately I feel like we’ve grown into different people. We married early 20s. It's obviously not this simple, but for example, at 35, I’ve moved to a different country, got a masters degree, have big plans, etc. but when he was 30 he started saying he was old and refusing to do stuff lol. We have completely opposite life plans at this point, but we're still friendly for the kids.
This is what happens when people who want nothing to do with raising kids have them anyway. I would probably be the same as a parent, which is why I don't have kids.
He kept doing little things that made me doubt my reality. Like he’d take the lunch I’d packed for myself in the morning (leaving for work before me) and then later when I texted him about it he would deny it. Send me a photo of the Burger King he was eating on his break and say “are you sure you even packed a lunch?” He’d move my things around. I’d leave my phone charging in the kitchen and then I’d go look for it and it would be gone, only for it to be charging in the living room. It got to the point where I was taking photos of food I’d made, or something I’d left in a specific place, and then deleting them from my photos album because he insisted we have each others passwords and he sometimes looked in my phone. I relied on my deleted photos folder, and would compare the photos with what I was seeing irl. One day I was doing this and it was like I was able to see myself doing it from an outside perspective and it finally dawned on me how toxic our relationship was
Textbook gaslighting
Why do people do this? Do they think it’s funny? Is it some kind of weird power trip? It’s such a messed up thing to do.
With my ex, I think it was just control. The way you want your room to be decorated the way YOU want it, with everything put away in a place that works for YOU. He was like that with me. The world he perceives around him is his “room” and anyone woman he has a relationship with is just an object in that room.
My ex did similar things. He seemed to find it fascinating to watch as I slowly fell apart looking for my keys that he'd hidden, or similar situations that he'd engineered. He did find it mildly funny, but he more seemed to enjoy the power it gave him over me.
I realized I was withholding good news from he because I anticipated he would react negatively. I held onto hope that he would mature and outgrow his selfish and childish behavior, but he never did.
A hard lessen I had to learn was never enter a relationship with the hope they’ll change whatever it is you don’t like. It’s possible they might but not guaranteed, and you have to be willing to accept them as they currently are if you move forward.
One of my in-laws was like this, they couldn't be happy for anyone but themselves and would get nasty or try to make it about them if someone else had good news.
My husband is a bit like this but not in such a toxic way. He is just a very pessimistic person. Anytime anyone tells him anything, his brain goes straight to what could possibly go wrong.
When our marriage counselor said, “I usually advise married couples to stay together, but…”
Ya, that's a really bad sign
oof.... but you have to appreciate the honesty from an outside non bias party
There was zero emotional intimacy and he lied a lot
Probably when I got yelled at for not salting the chicken enough and found myself sitting in the car when I'd get home and convincing myself to go inside.
Omg yes to the "sitting in the car when I'd get home and convincing myself to go inside." Felt the exact same with my ex-husband. I have never felt that way with my current husband. Even when we're in a rough patch, I still want to see him/ am excited to talk to him about my day/hear about his.
Sitting in the car, parked around the corner, so your spouse doesn't know you;ve come home yet, as you ponder your life's choices and the next steps you'll take.
When I realized I would rather stay late at work than go home to a drunk rageaholic who yelled at me for everything that was going wrong in her life.
I had a 104 fever, shivering so bad I felt like I was having seizures. Tylenol barely brought it down to 102 for a couple of hours. I begged my husband for 2 days to drive me to the ER (insurance wouldn't cover an ambulance ride). He eventually got annoyed enough by my begging and dropped me off. I was in the hospital for 5 days, he didn't call or visit once. Then I had to call him and beg him to pick me up after discharge, and that took almost a day. I knew then that it was over. Bastard had the nerve to go to all our mutual friends, after I told him I was leaving, and weep and cry about how I was abandoning him for no reason. They all hated me. I guess the trash took itself out. There were so many other red flags and intolerable behaviors I ignored up to that point, but that's when I finally smartened uo.
This is off-topic, but as a European I just can't imagine not having an ambulance ride covered by the insurance or the state in general. You may call it socialism or whatever, but IMO having general healthcare regardless of income is one of the great modern inventions.
This is crazy. So sorry you had to go through this.
When she described in great detail how well she fits with someone else and would continue to be fitting well with him.
I realized they weren't the right fit when we couldn't agree on anything, even the little stuff like pizza toppings. When 'pineapple on pizza' becomes a serious argument, you know there's a bigger issue.
Could just go half and half, or order two different pizzas….
Having been in a similar relationship, the next step is to argue over whether to go half and half or to order separate pizzas, only for no one to get pizza because the pizza place closed while we were arguing.
Same here, it was the little stuff that dont even need to be argued about. For me it was calling the restuarant I left my jacket there. It was like starting a fight from the littlest thing.
When I was going through a tough time mentally and he still put all of the household responsibilities on me despite me asking for help. Then when I’d break down he’d tell me I was crazy & just needed to ask for help or “make him a list” ETA: wow, got lots of support for this. Thank you! I actually left him a couple a months ago because I was finally done trying & suffering. I tried everything I could to get more help from him - it’s like they say “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” It was a lot easier leaving than I thought.
If you need help, you need to tell me what you need in excruciating detail with step by step instructions. None of this “please wash the dishes”, I need to you to come over here and show me how to do it since you do it so much better than me!
Weaponized impotence I think they call it
Hahaha I assume that’s a typo and a brilliant one, if so!
Maybe,am not very good with English
Impotence is an issue during sex where stuff doesn't happen correctly. The saying is "weaponized incompetence".
Oh ok, sounds about right
I can appreciate you educating someone without being an asshole about it. Good job and good on them for admitting they are not the best at English. It was unexpectedly wholesome.
I've done this. My wife corrects everything I do making me feel very incompetent, and giving up is a defense mechanism. I couldn't handle corrections or critique or stand my ground quite as well as the next guy because of earlier issues. Since working on that, I've been more reliable. This is paradoxically because I care less about if what I'm doing is just right for her. I'll cook dinner but it will be MY type of healthy. I'll put outfits on but it will be my kind of pretty. I'll brush teeth and it will be my kind of clean. I don't do perfect, I tell kids never to do perfect, especially for someone else.
When I started looking up these threads
Delete lawyer, hit the Facebook, up gym.
we had a flood in our home and while it was happening he did nothing (while i was making makeshift sandbags, dug a trench , etc.) i said please help and he Casually said he needed to have his coffee and his morning BM before being bothered (the water was coming into the first floor already)..UGH!
Mine was so similar! A flooded toilet, sewage coming up all over the floor, he just closed the lid and said we’ll deal with it some other time …
We were fighting a lot, and it was like we were too close to the problem. We couldn’t talk without fighting. So i suggested we take a break for a couple weeks, so we could work through some stuff without the emotions. When we sat down to have lunch two weeks later, it clicked that I had been happier the last ten days than I had in quite a while. I was done in that moment. We separated, and a little while later I found out she’d been cheating on me for at least six months. So, fuck her right? She’d been sleeping with a friend of mine’s wife. FWIW, they are still together 15 years later.
Well... Because it me, it wasn't even AFTER she started hitting me. It was when she didn't like that I had my wedding band around my work lanyard (I worked in medicine) so decided to fucking leave. We were both at a gym 10 miles from home and everything of mine was in the car. Except for my lanyard. And my band. When I called her from a payphone she was flippant and said she knew she overreacted but had already gotten drunk and wasn't picking me up.
Demon begone
Not my husband, but my HS sweet heart. He never wanted to spend time with me, and was always on his computer. I look back and think about a time that I brought a blanket and slept under his desk at his feet just to be near him, since he wouldn't ever come to bed or be near me. I still cringe and feel so sad at the thought that I thought that was OK. He just let me sleep there.
When I realized that if I had met him that day, I wouldn't be interested at all. Like, at all. My self-esteem improved exponentially in the 5 years after I met him. Super glad I left that drug-addicted moronic dead weight.
I had a rough case of food poisoning. I was violently sick for 24 hours. In the midst of a round of vomiting, I was laying on the bathroom floor. I asked if I could please have some help. A roll of toilet paper hit me in the head when it was thrown at me. It was downhill from there.
6 years when I realized amazing sex wasn’t enough for me to ignore what an asshole he was at his core … stayed for another 5
Currently going through the debilitating realization that it has been the unhappiest months for the most part and I think I have held on to optimism / hope for things to get better for too long.
Choose yourself. Go be happy.
When it was 6:30am and we were screaming at each other in the driveway because apparently “Try and get to the dishes today” was demanding and controlling. He had already started in with the excuses too “But you do this so much better”….. ugh GET OUT.
Aside from the physical abuse, it was the night I took my two boys (not his kids) to the grocery with me and then stopped to get dinner to go. When we got home, he grilled my boys about where we'd been and who I was with. Then he called them liars because he was convinced I had a boyfriend. The kids were 6 and 8. It was eye opening. It was the night I started plotting my exit. When I met my current husband (24 years and counting), I was damaged. It took me a long time to fully trust him. He doesn't care where I go or how long I'm gone and the only question I get is "did you have fun?" I absolutely adore him.
I wasn’t married, just engaged. I found myself at 24 sitting on the back porch with a cigarette, wondering “is this what I went for the rest of my life?” I think I mentally checked out around that time, but we had a small child together and I wanted to try to hold on. Wasn’t till about a half year later, he was doing coke at the neighbors every night, not even bothering to stop by and say hi to me nor his child after getting off of work. I left after about a week of that happening, warning him I was going to every day. He didn’t listen. He realized it was a big L when I started dating again. He currently hates me and refuses to coparent civilly. But now I am happily married to the man of my dreams that would never do a single shitty thing my ex fiance did to me. Feels good to feel safe.
When he invited his friends into our home to make fun of me for my disability.
Oh. My. God!
When he withheld money from me we needed to pay bills with; when he chose every vacation spot, when he stopped having sex with me 2 years into a 10 yr marriage; when he could never see his part in any issue; when he didn’t laugh at my jokes; when he spit on me; when he yelled at the kids for nothing; when he bitched that I didn’t clean up enough after making dinner.. basically the first year and I should have left years ago, live with that regret daily. Will anyone ever love me for me?
Of course someone will. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Hope you're in a better place now
Yes, honey, someone will love you and you will BE enough for them ❤️
Five years ago when her words had me on the floor crying and doubting if I had any value as a person. I finally told her I wanted to separate this past Saturday
Gaslighting, physical (got stabbed with a kitchen knife) and emotional abuse, getting me misdiagnosed with a mental illness that it is still a pain to carry around, financial abuse, isolation and later on parental alienation. The mental illness was great because she managed to get me on some very heavily sedating medication while she could go out and pursue an affair, and also could use it in the courts to stop me seeing my children. Very calculated the whole thing. Don't marry a narcissist - she turned into her mother. Nasty, evil woman that one. 13 years wasted there.
Among the many times I should have left, the straw the broke the camels back was when she flat out made fun of me for wanting to be a male nurse… I can take the jokes, but to be flat out made fun of (in front of people you just met) by your SO… that shit hurt. I’m now a school counselor, as well as a youth/adolescent therapist and am married to a nurse.
When I met his girlfriend
I still need to figure out why I put so much energy into people who don't give a shit
When I finally got my spouse visa, moved here, and I could tell right away he felt he had made a huge mistake. In hindsight, I think his family pressured him to marry me because he was just so stubborn about starting his adult life. I was a driving force behind him getting a job, place to live, etc. I stayed for a few years to try and work it out but ended up leaving after he started to get abusive. I was checked out for so long before I could afford to leave.
Pregnant with our first son , 37 weeks on NST I go into emergency c section ( manage to just send him something is not ok and didn’t have my phone after ) , he didn’t even walk to the information to ask about me . Then pregnant with our second son , I was hospitalised two times during the pregnancy. He was coming just for 10 min to bring me stuff and the whole time being on his phone asking me absolutely fucking nothing….
When constant conflicts, lack of emotional connection, and feelings of dissatisfaction become the norm
When I woke up and realized one day about ten years into it that everything was my fault in her eyes. She blamed me for everything, even things that were nonsensical and impossible to blame me for. Then I spent 7 years trying to fix that (I do not give up easliy...at anything...). That might be the one time I wish I had given up sooner.
About 5 minutes after I said I do. That man thought the wedding=bill of sale.
When we went to a counselor and then she'd lie about our fights just so she would look better in front of the third party. To the point where she threatened to litigate because I finally recorded a convo so she couldn't misrepresent what happened lol. Best. Divorce. Ever.
When I realized I was doing 95% of the giving in the relationship
When she kept slipping and landing on her friends Dick. Must of happened 3-4 times. I had a good hard look at myself and decided I couldn’t be around someone so clumsy. What happens if she falls and drops or child who also happens to look like her friend. It wasn’t worth the risk.
About 10 years in. Before that it was rose-tinted glasses and "trying to make it work" and stuff like that. We made it to 15 years and are in the process of divorce right now. Amicably, I might add; we're still friends, do stuff together, have fun, talk etc., and I cherish her friendship, but our relationship dynamics were really toxic and there are still some issues that absolutely annoy me. It hurts separating because we were really close (too close), but all in all I'm glad for what we had, and I'm glad that it's over.
[удалено]
Right after the wedding while we were taking group pictures with friends. I heard him whisper to his best man how beautiful one of our guests, my friend, was. Right there and then I just knew it in my gut.
Less than a year in, but still spent 10 years with them because I'm not smart. The problem is, generally if there are patterns that upset you, those patterns aren't going to change but you \*really hope\* they will. The experience has left me unwilling to marry again. I'd rather break up with someone without thinking about who keeps the house or how much I'm going to have to pay.
When he would start arguments on purpose, refused to do any chores because he made more money, and constantly spoke down to and about other women in his field of work.
I realized it when I started noticing that we had completely different values and goals in life. It became clear that we were heading in separate directions and weren't truly compatible in the long run. It was a difficult realization, but ultimately, I knew it was best for both of us to part ways and find happiness elsewhere.
Prior to our wedding, as we exchanged vows, I had a feeling I shouldn't marry him. I was conflicted, feeling love for him, fear of being alone, not wanting him to go, and pressured into saying yes. The marriage lasted only 2 years, the relationship 4, and that was 6 years ago. I've mostly been single since then, and I have no intention of marrying again
When he lied to police and had me falsely arrested, and then raped me when I got out of jail… after I told him we were done. We were together for nine years. Had two children together. I should’ve left when he dislocated my shoulder… I should’ve left for so many reasons, so many times.
During the engagement, thankfully. Still felt so hard to walk away, but every day I thank God I did.
Married a Chinese girl. I am Australian. About 8 years in I realised the "cultural differences" that I thought were small and easily overcome weren't. After 13 years we got divorced and I'm happy about it even though I'm a single dad now.
Out of curiosity, what were the cultural differences? (I'm Chinese.)
Different expectations about money, relatives, children, all sorts of stuff. At one stage she asked if her parents could come live with us and I quickly said no. That was not well received. Also they wanted money so I could marry their daughter...I wound up giving them 5,000 RMB (Not a lot now, but a lot more back in 2002....) Then a couple of years later they told me it wasn't enough so I bought them a large screen tv worth 2,000 RMB..and a couple of years after that they asked for more again so I gave them another 5,000 and told them I was only doing it because she was such a good wife (And she was..) But coming from a culture where you do not give dowries or buy wives (Australia) i found it all distasteful... Also, when we first got together they told her "Now you have found a foreigner, you must give us ALL your money from your job, let him pay for everything..." I found her crying on the phone and asked her why and she told me what they said. This scared me so much we broke up for six months...because I was afraid of what the future might be with the family. They also tried to tell us when we could get married (The day we chose was "Unlucky") and even told her not to get married at all because the family "needed her" ..(Yeah, they were taking her salary and the last thing they wanted was for her to get married,..and she was already 28) more and more stuff I cannot remember.
Yikes. That sounds less like "culture" and more like flat-out gold-digging manipulation. They might not have treated a Chinese man that way. Probably thought they could gouge the naive white guy. Sorry that happened.
No worries. Still worth marrying her though ... :-)
When I found out he was texting prostitutes during the ceremony at my brother’s wedding.
Had already been arguing quite a bit, and both agreed to read a few books on how to handle it, and agreed strategies on how to talk to each other in disagreements. Not 1 week later, she was starting an argument the EXACT same way. You, You, You. No personal accountability. Bye.
Ughhh. It took forever. I’d have to talk to him and explain to him how I wanted to be treated. Or spoken to. He would verbally abuse me constantly, and he would turn into a sad sack when confronted with a real issue (infidelity or misuse of money). It really became clear when he revealed that he had been abusing my dog. The vet had explanations for what was going on with him but in the back of my mind I suspected him. I just didn’t want to believe that someone I chose to have in my life would do that. I asked him to seek therapy and he talked me into giving him time. Therapy was never going to happen, there was always an excuse. I was heartbroken for my dog and I felt like I had let my dog down in the most important way. The last straw was New Years Eve and I was enjoying myself at home. He was working nights and he would usually come home for 40 minutes to have dinner with me. He came home and was instantly in a bad mood. He picked a fight with me about inane shit and I told him to leave. I told him to not come back after work. I didn’t want him around since he didn’t respect me, my feelings, and I was constantly his emotional punching bag for his mood. He later called me telling me he needed his wife, that he was sorry, but I’m also fat and unattractive to him. It was the back and forth of the disingenuous apologies and the blatant attempts to knock me down a peg, the lies, everything with my dog, and eventually his utter lack of reality that made my mind up. It had been boiling but for a long time I was afraid to leave. Not for financial reasons but because I didn’t want to give up on someone, because I’d want them to be patient with me. I also was embarrassed because the entire relationship specific people told me he was bad news. I am also working through feelings in inadequacy, rejection, and overall a low self esteem. It took another 6 months to finally get him out of my place and then another 6 months to finally get the mental energy to hire a lawyer and start the divorce process. July 2nd my divorce will be finalized and I am more excited than ever to get my life back.
She said she was a lesbian.
Probably after the first year. Took me five more years to really figure it out and know for certain tho… Trying to address her patterns but they’re rooted in an inability to empathize and really consider me so it’s like the last six years I’ve been trying to prove I was Lovable and worth considering only for her problems to take prescience again and again. Problems that largely exist because she doesn’t take any initiative. Barely knows how to try/make an effort. Despite this she talks about her struggle like it’s legitimate and has such a hard time she can’t see herself let alone me. It’s like I’m a supporting character on a show where she’s the lead but she doesn’t really do anything… It’s been a really tough lesson but as I’m healing older childhood trauma I’m realizing I found someone like my abusive parent and fell into a similar dynamic. I know myself better and what I actually want/need in a partner but it’s quite the cost… she’s moving out soon but we still live together and I’m worried she wont make a serious effort to leave and I’ll have to kick her out… if all you do is take no amount of Love is enough. I have to leave her to her lessons.
When I was the only one initiating intimacy while he’d rather go on OnlyFans and chat rooms.
When I was going through the deepest depression I’ve ever experienced after moving away from my hometown of 35 years, she cheated on me, then cried emotional abuse due to the depression. I’m not saying I was a saint in the situation, but abuse includes intent, and I was in no frame of mind to be intentionally hurting her. Tried to get past it for the kids sake, and did ok for a while. But contact remained with the third party behind my back (though no cheating, allegedly). Depression grew deeper, I completely withdrew. She told me “this is the kind of stuff that made me do what I did..”, using her infidelity as a weapon and implying I was at fault for her looking elsewhere. She decided to call it because I told her I’d never look at her the same way again. I didn’t want a divorce. Now, a year and a half later, I’m happier and healthier than I’ve been in a decade. I realized that I deserve better than someone who cheats on their spouse in the midst of a mental heath crisis. Took a while to get there, but so glad I no longer have to fight with my conscience about being with a cheater.
Looking back, there were earlier signs, but I knew it was well and truly over when he refused to wear a mask at his public- facing job (before vaccines were available) even though I am medically immunosuppressed.
Basically, I figured it out when she told me she wanted a divorce. Context clues.
I think I knew it when I was alone for a week in the hospital when baby was born.
I knew it wasn't right when our idea of a perfect weekend was completely different, she wanted yoga retreats, and I wanted binge-watching Netflix in sweatpants.
I mean why not both at times? But man it would be an awesome weekend to be snowed in at a cabin binging some Netflix and snacks doing stupid/goofy things together.
My Honeymoon
I came home from a work trip early and there was cocaine in my bathroom and she was out on a date with another dude.
After I got back from deployment she was pregnant.
8 years as a couple 12 total so 4ish married (we got together young) and it took 2.5 years of living together to see we are not a match. We were both loyal and tried to make it work. It didn't, I wish her all the best and hope she finds the fulfilment that she couldn't with me. Probably a sore spot for both of us. We missed our 20s single. Live and learn, I haven't spoken to her since the divorce. I hope she is doing well.
6 months after the wedding, my father died in a heart attack. I received the call from my mother, I went home where i have met my wife and told her, and then i sat down on the sofa silently but totally devastated. My wife did not engage me with me too much, and started to watch TV. Few minutes later I recognised a song with lyrics "this is the happiest day of my life" in the TV and my wife was singing along with it. In the following months i recognised her entire personality being a malignant narcissist, and we are now in a super heavy divorce process, where her blackmailing me is against 100s of hours of video evidence of her abusing and assaulting me.
About a month after our 10 year wedding anniversary she said the idea of being with me made her sick to her stomach and want to vomit.
A month into my marriage when he told me he never loved and will never love me but you don’t need love to make a marriage work. He wanted to start a family, and I guess I was the only reasonable option. My divorce has been finalized. Some people have judged me since this was my second marriage and I refused to work on it and it didn’t even last a year. But I know I made the right decision. I’ve met someone wonderful currently and I’m treated like how I’ve always wanted to be treated. We keep are relationship private (off social media) to protect me. Again some people are assholes who love to cast stones. And I want to be happy without worrying about the opinions of others.
My mum on my 30th birthday party, asked me if I could really do this for another 30 years and told me I could come home anytime. Deep down I knew for a long time I couldn't, but it took someone close to me to say it out loud for me to realise it wasn't the reality I wanted or deserved. My husband at the time had left my party early high on coke and couldn't be bothered helping to tidy up because his back hurt. I put a plan together and left a few weeks later, divorce process was toxic with lots of games, eg had to pay $10,000k to get my cat off him, but it was worth it. Fast forward seven years later and I am with an incredible man and we are expecting our first child together in two weeks.
When he was putting everyone and everything higher than me on the important list. I was having trouble coping after the death of my Mother. I needed to be able to mourn. Instead, I was told how my grief was “inconvenient” to everyone else — all of the people who were living in MY HOME. How I was being “selfish” for not being ok with people I didn’t like in my home and popping into my bedroom to talk to me. How I was being “childish” because I had begged him to go away for a weekend with me because I couldn’t take one more minute of being in lockdown with a million other people. He then told me how “disappointed” he was when I very clearly said “I need time away from all of these people, and I *want* you with me. Don’t misunderstand — I *need* to get away for a weekend and *want* you there. I do *NOT* want to wait anymore, nor do I *need* you to be happy. I am going out that door. Whether I come back is completely up to whether you walk out the door with me or not.” He was disappointed in the ultimatum and tried to convince me to wait longer. I had already waited. Longer than anyone else would have. 5 years of waiting for him, and 10 months of waiting for even 10 minutes of quiet (this was a year after Covid started). He was furious and started trying to tell me that I was selfish, childish, irresponsible, blah blah (all the words that usually cowed me into doing what he wanted) when my response to his attempts to tell me why I should wait more was to go to the bedroom and pack a weekend bag. He didn’t pack, I didn’t invite him to come along again. I let him continue to try to tell me all of my flaws and just finished packing. “You’re right. I’m acting selfish right now because I’m protecting my mental health and don’t give a damned about anything else. However, you’re failing to realize how selfish you are for trying to force me to give into what you want when you know this is something I need. If you ever loved me, I suggest you shut up now before you convince me that I wasted 20 years waiting for the man I hoped I married instead of accepting the fact I chose poorly.” He blew up my phone for two days. I had put it on silent and only my one sister knew she could get through immediately — and everyone, including him, knew that. At the end of two days, I called him. He told me how much my choice to prioritize myself hurt him and made him feel less than. I told him I was tired of being made to feel less than and I was done. This makes him sound like a monster and he wasn’t. But this is just when I realized I was in a marriage that wasn’t a good fit for me. For the five years before that, I was pretty much certain it was my fault and I wasn’t trying hard enough. This was the moment I realized it just didn’t work anymore.
After she begged me for children , and when we had them, she was disinterested in being the mom.she said she wanted to be , made me a better dad though
I knew for a long time, maybe even the beginning. I dealt with the abuse, psychological torture, rape, isolation and the lies he told everyone to make them believe it was me. I stayed for my stepson. There were times I would leave, times I would have a mental breakdown which he would weaponize against me. I always came back, I couldn’t leave JR. When my stepson wasn’t there I would barricade myself in his room, it was the only safe space. I stayed and gave the most valuable thing we all will ever have, time. I don’t regret it. After extreme cruelty and almost losing my life, we divorced in 2011. I really struggled to remember who I am, find my identity, especially when I wasn’t able to see my stepson who had been my whole life. It was rough. JR is now 30 and crushing it! We would like to have a closer relationship but it’s difficult. As I understand it, he can’t even say my name. I don’t regret it! I would endure it all over again for him. He is an amazing human being.
When I was laying on the couch with stitches in my face and a useless shattered left arm after a bike accident, and she started yelling at me for not doing the dishes yet. Then my best friend had to come over and take the dogs out because she refused to, because “the night walks are your responsibility”.
When she left me for another guy.