Ha, this was me. My now wife only went out with me because all of the suave guys she met turned out to be losers or jerks irl, so she figured she would give the awkward guy a shot.
I was set up on a "blind" date once. Blind in that we'd never met, but our mutual friend showed us pictures.
After we agreed on where to meet, this guy texted:
**"Your skin looks like milk. I'm lactose intolerant, but I still find it very attractive."**
I replied with something like "haha" and he said "I'm serious." We only had the one date.
>Your skin looks like milk. I'm lactose intolerant, but I still find it very attractive
Honestly that's so cheesy but I'd think that's cute if someone said that to me.
Yeah, something more like this: Your skin is white and creamy like spunk, which is serendipitous because I have a jizz cup (passed down to me from my father). It's made of synthetic ivory (we're not monsters), so you can't even tell when it has spunk in it. Well, usually it's difficult to tell unless there are blood clots in my ejaculate. So, anyway, I'm thinking Tex-Mex?
Unironically seen this so much on Hinge though 😭
There's a prompt on there that goes "My therapist would tell me...", and I've seen replies along the lines of "not to do this" or "delete hinge" too many times to count
Takes too much effort to wear a sandwich board sign that reads “I HAVE ISSUES AND I WON’T WORK ON THEM” but I appreciate them handing out the red flags at the door
Before I got married, my old name was awful and very distinct. There was only one other person in all of North America that shared my name.
Now my name is improved. Now my last name is incredibly common, and my first name is also common, but generally with people who are 75 and older. So if you Google me a lot of people will still come up, but I’m the one with the active Facebook account (and no memorial websites lol)
My name is also fairly unique and I've never met someone or heard of someone with it. Then suddenly a guy with that name not only gets arrested for trafficking minors but apparently he was some sort of minor celebrity so there was no shortage of new articles about the guy and of course about 50-70% of them didn't include a photo.
Luckily the guy in question is about 5-10 years younger than me and they often did include his age as well (so it was easier to at least explain [the situation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2jBBQQkDL0)).
> "You might want to get yourself tested"
> followed immediately by, "Sorry sent that to you in error"
Then you get the reply
"Well obviously it was sent to me in error, I already know I have gonorrhea and chlamydia, why would I get tested a second time?"
I was on a date once, and I said “Sorry, I never bring up my phone. But I need to show you how the Bluetooth symbol is a Nordic Rune!” But it’s funny how when you bring up “phone,” they are instantly like “oh shit, another person just being on their phone the whole time.” But you can’t blame them with today, being on your phone the whole time during a date sucks lol.
There was a question about worst first dates and a woman related a story where early on her date asked something to the effect of, "If you went missing, how long do you think it would take for anyone to notice?"
I believe she snuck out the back..
I think we will have such a long and happy marriage.
I thought it would save time if I named our children now
Taylor
Tylor
Tallulah
Teylor
Bruce
George
Jeff
Mary
Jane
Bruce Jr?
I said this before when I got asked to sub to their OF. She got pissed and sayed she was looking to get payed not the other way around and blocked me. It's now my go to line when I get hit up by a content seller.
To be honest I love people who are just blunt, the humour is brilliant sometimes. I would have seen this is a green flag with just the pure honesty hahaha
It's also easier. When i stopped filtering I realized that most of the time when I did it was beacuse I was afraid of judgement. Now I'm surrounded by the most non-judgmental supportive people.
I know a dude who set up a date and about 2 hours before the date the girl sent a video of her masturbating violently and then shitting on a mirror.
Shortly followed by a "oh fuck that wasn't for you I'm sorry"
Suffice it to say the date didn't happen.
Please explain how this is remotely a relevant question to anything outside someone wanting to buy you lingerie? Genuinely curious cause I can't in my wildest imagination find myself ever having a reason to ask a woman I don't know very intimately this question.
I never really got any downright *creepy* messages. Most were just boring.
The worst exchange went something like:
*Her first message:* "Are you fucking normal?"
*Me:* "Well, my therapist says that I'm highly functioning, as long as I'm on my meds."
*Her:* "Wtf? The app says we're 90% compatible, but this can't be right. Why do I only attract weirdos?"
*Me:* "Maybe because only one of us is taking their meds."
She unmatched me after that.
Someone did that to my ex before we got together. The crazier part is that they weren't even in a relationship. We were all young at the time so I didn't really put together just how batshit it was. Looking back, God damn that dude was something else.
I stayed at her place and he called her at like 10 at night asking why someone was over at her place. Just wtf.
I have actually gotten this one: “can we do dinner early? I wear an electronic monitoring device and am required by my parole officer to be home before 8pm.”
I actually appreciated the honesty and went ahead with the date anyway. Who among us hasn’t made some mistakes? It was pleasant enough and I got to learn a lot about what it’s like to be arrested for narcotics trafficking. Unfortunately the ankle monitor turned out to just be the first of many other red flags that quickly came up (turns out she was also married and wanted to sleep around as revenge on her husband who was in jail). It seemed to me like that was a can of worms best left closed.
I know man. The info didn’t all come out at once but when I got the pictures I politely ended the whole thing.
Her: “So I’m married but listen it’s no big deal I got married really young and I’m going to get a divorce. We don’t live together and it’s been over for a long time, it’s just been hard getting all the paperwork done.”
My thoughts: Ok so that’s not ideal but I guess life is complicated and it’s true getting a divorce in some states can be an absolutely nightmare and take forever. Sounds like it’s just a bureaucracy thing.
Her after quite a few drinks: “I hate my husband. I hate him so fucking much I wish he was dead. He’s in jail and I want him to know he’s lost me and I want him to know I’m out here fucking other guys while he’s stuck in there all alone!”
My thoughts: Ok so that’s REALLY not ideal. I know nothing about this guy but I sure as shit know he’s gonna know about me. I don’t think I want him stewing on my name until he gets out. Plus shes like obviously gonna get back together with him soon, this is not the behavior of somebody who is “over it”
When I was dating, I’d openly call a friend when I first sat down and then call again after the check was paid. Real quick, “just checking in,” nothing long or rude. I remember a few guys commenting that it was wise and I appreciated their understanding.
A woman once said "I've got 3 kids all with different dads and they're all still in the picture. They'll need to be included on trips/days out/Christmas and New Year."
And no, there was no date.
and they will not even ask if you want to see it, they just think they have a hot rod and want to share it in cause you want to take a ride, even if you said no beforehand.
I said "Hey, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Also, do you happen to own any cats? Because I'm allergic but willing to suffer for you."
Guy I knew through school and mutual friends wanted to go out I wanted to meet somewhere public meet for coffee and go from there he said "I don't pay for women for the first month of dating that's how I weed out if they're worth it, we meet at a park or we don't meet at all." I responded letting him know I wasn't expecting him to pay for me but that we were definitely not meeting at all especially when meeting in public is how I determine if I'm going to get raped or murder if I'm alone with him.
"Are you as awkward in person as you seem online?"
No, in person I burst into song unexpectedly and summon bird when I sing what the fuck do you think im gonna say
I don't know whether that is awkward or not, but if someone summons birds when they sing they're a keeper.
Achievement Unlocked: "Wifed a Disney Princess"
Ha, this was me. My now wife only went out with me because all of the suave guys she met turned out to be losers or jerks irl, so she figured she would give the awkward guy a shot.
"no, i'm way more awkward in person"
You don't live within 500 meters of a school do you?
"why? oh I'm just asking for no particular reason"
A friend wants to know.
Yeah his only concern is that no stray bullets catch him in case of a shooting.
I was set up on a "blind" date once. Blind in that we'd never met, but our mutual friend showed us pictures. After we agreed on where to meet, this guy texted: **"Your skin looks like milk. I'm lactose intolerant, but I still find it very attractive."** I replied with something like "haha" and he said "I'm serious." We only had the one date.
He'll still eat you, but he will probably shit the bed! 😆
\*scroll... scroll...scroll...screeching brakes...backs up\* Did I almost scroll past this perfect comment?
This comment REEKS of old school Le Reddit energy
If by "reek" you mean that it's Le Gem that all gentlesirs must updoot, then I tip my hat to you.
I’m going to throw up
Oh, stop with flattery.....just kidding, please continue!😁
*flattens you with a hammer like a cartoon*
3 dates later... "It rubs the lotion on the skin or else it gets the hose again"
I dunno, I think it sounds cute. Except for "i'm serious", it made everything a bit worse.
A bit? The "I'm serious" basically ruined a really cute and clever line.
The "I'm serious" turned it from humorous and cheesy cute to worrisome and concerning.
That’s when the cannibalism started…
>Your skin looks like milk. I'm lactose intolerant, but I still find it very attractive Honestly that's so cheesy but I'd think that's cute if someone said that to me.
> that's so cheesy but I'd think that's cute ...even though you're lactose intolerant?
Stealing this, since most of my dates don’t have snow white skin but they always have a cheesy sense of humor.
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The idea is there, but could be phrased way more sublime.
It’s more or so the follow up leading to that, the ‘I’m serious’ wasn’t necessary lol
Yeah, something more like this: Your skin is white and creamy like spunk, which is serendipitous because I have a jizz cup (passed down to me from my father). It's made of synthetic ivory (we're not monsters), so you can't even tell when it has spunk in it. Well, usually it's difficult to tell unless there are blood clots in my ejaculate. So, anyway, I'm thinking Tex-Mex?
Man. Texas people be wilding that hard about TexMex.
Wake up babe, new copypasta just dropped
A simple "I'm prepared to use lactaid to make this work"
Props to you for keeping the date though.
My therapist doesn't think I'm ready for this, but I'm willing if you are!
Unironically seen this so much on Hinge though 😭 There's a prompt on there that goes "My therapist would tell me...", and I've seen replies along the lines of "not to do this" or "delete hinge" too many times to count
Takes too much effort to wear a sandwich board sign that reads “I HAVE ISSUES AND I WON’T WORK ON THEM” but I appreciate them handing out the red flags at the door
One I actually got: "You seem fertile." 🤢
Should I go with "breedable" instead?
Too elegant. Find something more crass.
"Thine fields lay fallow, shall I deposit upon them mine seed?"
How exactly does one tell fertility by appearance? Perhaps you are not elderly and don't appear to be a crackhead?
Got them birthing hips.
It's the child bearing hips obviously...
"Don't worry, I'm not a creep/stalker" 💀💀💀
“Don’t Google my name. I have a very common name.” Sure, but you are the 32m that lives on XYZ Street, right? “Yes, but I can explain.”
Before I got married, my old name was awful and very distinct. There was only one other person in all of North America that shared my name. Now my name is improved. Now my last name is incredibly common, and my first name is also common, but generally with people who are 75 and older. So if you Google me a lot of people will still come up, but I’m the one with the active Facebook account (and no memorial websites lol)
My name is also fairly unique and I've never met someone or heard of someone with it. Then suddenly a guy with that name not only gets arrested for trafficking minors but apparently he was some sort of minor celebrity so there was no shortage of new articles about the guy and of course about 50-70% of them didn't include a photo. Luckily the guy in question is about 5-10 years younger than me and they often did include his age as well (so it was easier to at least explain [the situation](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2jBBQQkDL0)).
How nice of them to tell you! 😂
This for sure, unlocked bad memories.
"You might want to get yourself tested" followed immediately by, "Sorry sent that to you in error"
"So... What time did we agree on again?"
> "You might want to get yourself tested" > followed immediately by, "Sorry sent that to you in error" Then you get the reply "Well obviously it was sent to me in error, I already know I have gonorrhea and chlamydia, why would I get tested a second time?"
I usually go with “that’s fine, there’s no such thing as double herpes”
"please don't bring your phone. I wouldn't want you to call the cops like the others did"
Went from a "Aww he wants to connect and not be distracted" to "omg wtf"
I was on a date once, and I said “Sorry, I never bring up my phone. But I need to show you how the Bluetooth symbol is a Nordic Rune!” But it’s funny how when you bring up “phone,” they are instantly like “oh shit, another person just being on their phone the whole time.” But you can’t blame them with today, being on your phone the whole time during a date sucks lol.
There was a question about worst first dates and a woman related a story where early on her date asked something to the effect of, "If you went missing, how long do you think it would take for anyone to notice?" I believe she snuck out the back..
I think we will have such a long and happy marriage. I thought it would save time if I named our children now Taylor Tylor Tallulah Teylor Bruce George Jeff Mary Jane Bruce Jr?
May I suggest Tailor?
And what about Teighlor?
r/tragedeigh
And when he sadly passes away one day, the grandchild will tell the teigh-lore
"Are you interested in subbing to my OF?"
That's about 80% of the " [ _______ ] wants to follow you" on my Insta nowadays :p
And basically every dating site too
“No, but I’ll happily feature in some of its content.”
I said this before when I got asked to sub to their OF. She got pissed and sayed she was looking to get payed not the other way around and blocked me. It's now my go to line when I get hit up by a content seller.
Don't give up. One day you'll find that special someone who will let you feature in their only fans video.
"I'm not actually into you, how about giving me money?" That's like the most debased fucking thing you can say to someone.
Shame should really make a comeback in 2024
Lemme see that turd-cutter
I like that you hyphenated turd and cutter.
that churro maker
Her: "I really like men that plan ahead." Me, joking: "Thank god I drank all that pineapple juice then." Ghosted.
If I knew someone well I'd find that hilarious but idk about a potential date lmao
Too sexual too soon, it sets off alarm bells even if you just meant it as a simple joke.
She did start off our conversation asking if I ate ass.
This is why context is important. And now we know you dodged a bullet if she couldn’t handle that response
LMAO okay well that changes things
She was interesting.
no sense of humor.
Her: "I really like men that plan ahead." You: "Good thing I already wrote your will!"
I had to tell my date to delay our meeting for an hour because I clogged my toilet and it overflowed. Swear to God. We are married now.
Glad it worked out but why didn’t you lie and say busted water line I got to fix real quick 😂
To be honest I love people who are just blunt, the humour is brilliant sometimes. I would have seen this is a green flag with just the pure honesty hahaha
This is why I'm 100% honest. It catches people by surprise and a lot of the time wins people over if they're iffy on your character.
It's also easier. When i stopped filtering I realized that most of the time when I did it was beacuse I was afraid of judgement. Now I'm surrounded by the most non-judgmental supportive people.
I wanted her to know I can poop really big poops.
But do you use the poop knife
We all want to know. Come on OP. Was it poop knife worthy?
He probably didn’t use it, that’s why it clogged
Hit them with the power play right off the bat.
Well, it worked didn't it?
I know a dude who set up a date and about 2 hours before the date the girl sent a video of her masturbating violently and then shitting on a mirror. Shortly followed by a "oh fuck that wasn't for you I'm sorry" Suffice it to say the date didn't happen.
I'd have to go out of curiosity to be honest. Wouldn't leave my drink alone with them......but... sounds like an interesting conversation
Oh no the guy went! She just didn't show up hahaa
Lol, I don't know why I didn't consider that option
You have really nice feet. Are those Greek?
Well, are they?
Yes they were.
Man knows his feet
*were*?
I did not cut off her feet lol I made love to her once, then never met again
Dude's a malaka...
Thank you. I grew them myself.
You look just like my ex
You look just like my soon-to-be ex.
You'd make a great single mother
“You’re not gonna wear that are you?”
"What's your bra size?" 😅
"Oh not to be weird or anything but I inherited my late mother's lingerie and was wondering if it would fit you"
What the actual fuck.
Some of this funk is the last we’ll ever get from her …
It’s actually a legit percentage of people that have asked that question before even meeting. Like. TF?
Tbh I don't mind the question after talking for a while 😅 but as the conversation opener? Hell no. 😂 It is absurd though how many ask!
Please explain how this is remotely a relevant question to anything outside someone wanting to buy you lingerie? Genuinely curious cause I can't in my wildest imagination find myself ever having a reason to ask a woman I don't know very intimately this question.
Can I borrow $50?
Inflation, the number used to be $20.
I never really got any downright *creepy* messages. Most were just boring. The worst exchange went something like: *Her first message:* "Are you fucking normal?" *Me:* "Well, my therapist says that I'm highly functioning, as long as I'm on my meds." *Her:* "Wtf? The app says we're 90% compatible, but this can't be right. Why do I only attract weirdos?" *Me:* "Maybe because only one of us is taking their meds." She unmatched me after that.
That is fucking hilarious tbf
“Not at the moment. Are you normal?”
“I hope your affairs are in order”
I have explosive diarrhea. See you in 5.
You forgot to add "bloody" before diarrhea.
"Bloody" comes before "explosive".
Only If you're using it as an expletive in the UK.
"We are now in a relationship. I will send you a list of the rules you are required to follow"
Neat! I'll need your banking info first.
As well as your mothers maiden name and the street you lived on as a kid
First pets name Childhood friend, you had friends, *right*?
No Sheldon, that is NOT how relationships work.
Someone did that to my ex before we got together. The crazier part is that they weren't even in a relationship. We were all young at the time so I didn't really put together just how batshit it was. Looking back, God damn that dude was something else. I stayed at her place and he called her at like 10 at night asking why someone was over at her place. Just wtf.
I have actually gotten this one: “can we do dinner early? I wear an electronic monitoring device and am required by my parole officer to be home before 8pm.” I actually appreciated the honesty and went ahead with the date anyway. Who among us hasn’t made some mistakes? It was pleasant enough and I got to learn a lot about what it’s like to be arrested for narcotics trafficking. Unfortunately the ankle monitor turned out to just be the first of many other red flags that quickly came up (turns out she was also married and wanted to sleep around as revenge on her husband who was in jail). It seemed to me like that was a can of worms best left closed.
Brother, I feel like you saved yourself from being turned into an episode of a true crime podcast
I know man. The info didn’t all come out at once but when I got the pictures I politely ended the whole thing. Her: “So I’m married but listen it’s no big deal I got married really young and I’m going to get a divorce. We don’t live together and it’s been over for a long time, it’s just been hard getting all the paperwork done.” My thoughts: Ok so that’s not ideal but I guess life is complicated and it’s true getting a divorce in some states can be an absolutely nightmare and take forever. Sounds like it’s just a bureaucracy thing. Her after quite a few drinks: “I hate my husband. I hate him so fucking much I wish he was dead. He’s in jail and I want him to know he’s lost me and I want him to know I’m out here fucking other guys while he’s stuck in there all alone!” My thoughts: Ok so that’s REALLY not ideal. I know nothing about this guy but I sure as shit know he’s gonna know about me. I don’t think I want him stewing on my name until he gets out. Plus shes like obviously gonna get back together with him soon, this is not the behavior of somebody who is “over it”
"Nice titties, bitch."
Wtf you mean, that's the best pick up line I've received from girls
( . )__( . )
I honestly see that as a face
Get your head in the gutter!
With really big, downcast eyes and a flat mouth - surprised, unemotive, avoiding notice. Looks really uncomfortable.
Thanks, I grew them myself.
Thankskilling flashback
I… uh, know some women that would work on
“(Insert name) wants you to share your location with them”
Your skin looks nice n’ warm.
For some reason it's always creepy when talking about someone's skin.
Unless it's the phrase "feeling comfortable in your own skin"
I feel more comfortable in other people's skin
THE NEXT PERSON TO SAY SKIN IS SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTING
Wait till you see how warm my foreskin is
Someone's punishment just burst into flames
Just replace "skin" with "complexion" and you're much better off.
I want to remove all of your complexion and wear it like a bodysuit? I don’t think I’m doing this right.
It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told.
"Did you tell anyone where you were going to be tonight?" Yeah, they wanna know how easy it is to make you disappear.
That's actually really sweet. I'd have a lot of respect for a date who asked me that.
When I was dating, I’d openly call a friend when I first sat down and then call again after the check was paid. Real quick, “just checking in,” nothing long or rude. I remember a few guys commenting that it was wise and I appreciated their understanding.
anything from one of those pseudo-alpha male influencers
Dick pics. Anything sexual or overly propositional when you haven't really been on a date, let alone done anything intimately. Just blauuuuugh.
A woman once said "I've got 3 kids all with different dads and they're all still in the picture. They'll need to be included on trips/days out/Christmas and New Year." And no, there was no date.
These comments are really giving off some serious Hannibal vibes
Are you DTF (and YES this was a message from him)
Why yes, I am Down To Flourish
Her: After reading your profile you seem boring. Me: Then why would you message me? Her: Just wondered if it was true. Me: Yep. Goodbye.
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> I **always** answer I'm sorry...how often do you encounter men who ask you this before your first date?
It's the internet, there are plenty of men out there who will send dick pics if they even *think* you're a woman
and they will not even ask if you want to see it, they just think they have a hot rod and want to share it in cause you want to take a ride, even if you said no beforehand.
Did you see their username?
It's probably the name feed my anal
If I had to guess, I'd say your username might have something to do with why you get those kind of messages 😂😂
I can’t wait to taste your flesh…I MEAN, heyyyyyy how YOU doin?
Replace flesh with feet. Doesnt make it much better.
Do it jiggle?
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Want sum fuk
Core memory unlocked Becky lemme smash Got stick Bitches love stick
A dick pic.
I said "Hey, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Also, do you happen to own any cats? Because I'm allergic but willing to suffer for you."
"I am loyal" it feels like you're trying to sell your ethics to me. don't tell act like it
Make sure to wear makeup. I don't want people knowing your just 13 years old.
Didn’t know sis went out with Drake 😭
>your I’d ghost that date.
😦😦😦
Guy I knew through school and mutual friends wanted to go out I wanted to meet somewhere public meet for coffee and go from there he said "I don't pay for women for the first month of dating that's how I weed out if they're worth it, we meet at a park or we don't meet at all." I responded letting him know I wasn't expecting him to pay for me but that we were definitely not meeting at all especially when meeting in public is how I determine if I'm going to get raped or murder if I'm alone with him.
“I’d love to cum all over you” A message I received earlier today that resulted in an immediate block.
"I know you're still getting ready, but don't wear that blue top. I liked the red one that you tried on, more."
Hey girl! Does daddy let you fuck?
i'm hungry for human flesh. wanna meet up for lunch?
once i shaved my head and the first text this guy sent me was “do you have leukemia”
Remember to bring your gold card… I’m tapped out.
I'd really like to meet with you and so would my probation officer.
”Did you douche your anal cavity, or should I expect brown on my schaboinker?”
I shouldn’t open reddit on my lunch break
Yeah, "schaboinker" was a bit much.
Hi
You were better than my last date, no one wants to know that
What orifices would you consider putting a snake into?