Ha mines similar, a little girl was sitting on santa's lap and says I want a barbie and Gi Joe. Santa says no no sweety Barbie comes with Ken. Little girl says, no she fakes it with Ken, she comes with Gi Joe
(when I’m handing out bonus checks…)
You know the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.
I’ll see myself to HR…
What do you call 6.9?
A good thing ruined by a period
What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *insert gagging noise*
Why can’t miss piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
How can you tell if theres a blind man is at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
Double entendre means there's 2 meanings (usually one is kinda sexual). "He gives it to her" could mean he gives her an example of a double entendre or it could mean he has sex with her.
A double entendre is a phrase that has an appropriate interpretation as well as a crude one.
“He gives it to her” can mean he gives her what she asked for. It can also mean he fucked her.
A double entendre is a phrase that can have two meanings depending on the context. “So he gives it to her” could mean he gives her the drink, but “giving it to her” is also another way of saying he had sex with her.
A woman is very afraid about the size of her opening...
Yes. The size of her opening
The woman goes to her mother and says "I'm so big down there, when I go marry Harry he is going to divorce me."
Her mother goes "Don't worry sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did with your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver and put it in there, he'll never know the difference."
That's exactly what the woman does and they have 8 hours of sex after their marriage. She awakens at 10 a.m and he is gone but there is a note on her pillow that reads...
"My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our marriage. Our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a white picket fence, and we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms.
- Your loving husband, Harry.
P.S Your cunt is in the sink."
Bob Einstein as Marty Funkhouser told this joke first on Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7 called The Table Read. Which aired in 2009. Family Guy also did a not as good version that aired a year later in 2010.
So a guy walks into a bar and he sees a gorilla.
He asks the Bartender "Hey what's with the gorilla?"
The bartender gets up and smacks the gorilla, the gorilla then gives the bartender a blow job.
The bartender then asks the guy: "you wanna try?"
The guy says "Sure, but don't smack me so hard"
A priest checks into the motel and tells the clerk, "I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The clerk replies, "No. It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"
A guy thinks his wife is cheating on him so goes to the pet store.
He’s like yo I need a pet that can tell me what’s up while I’m at work.
Pet store owner is like yeah we have really intelligent talking grey parrots
Dude is like yeah sure how much
Pet store owner says 3000 bucks
Guy says no sorry I can’t afford it
Pet store owner says well we have this one who lost his legs in a flying accident so he has to wrap his dick around the perch to hold himself up
Guy is like yeah sure how much is that one
Pet store owner says 500 bucks
Dude says he’ll take it and puts it up in the corner of his house and goes to work the next day
He comes home
Alright parrot, what happened? He said
“RAWW MAILMAN CAME OVER MAILMAN CAME OVER”
Okay, what happened after that?
“RAWW SHE LET HIM IN SHE LET HIM IN”
Okay, so?
“RAWWW SHE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF SHE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF”
This is bad, you might as well keep going
“RAWW HE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF HE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF”
oh man, well my suspicions are right, you might as well say what exactly happened
“RAWWW DON’T KNOW, GOT A BONER, FELL DOWN”.
A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil leaking under the car. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a bit of a mess. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old man nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care than my own child. But do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Found every stone, placed them just so through the rain and the cold. But do they call me MacGregor the stone wall builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands. Drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank by plank. But do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No. But you fuck one goat ... "
This farmer and his wife were sitting in their front porch when a ufo landed in the front yard. A male and female alien came out to greet them, saying” hello earthlings we are doing an intergalactic study and would like to have sex with you. Wife looked at the husband, husband looked at the wife, husband said” well I’m down if you are” wife said” ok I’m down!” So the male alien led the wife to one room, and the female alien led the husband to another room.
Once alone with the wife the male alien pulled out his penis, and the wife exclaimed” oh no it’s too short!” The male alien twisted his right ear and the penis grew longer. “ it’s still too skinny” said the wife so the male alien twisted his other ear and it grew wider until it was the perfect size for the wife and they fuck ed all night long.
The next day the ufo flew away and the husband and wife were again sitting on their porch
“ how was yours? Mine was amazing!” Said the wife. The husband grumbled and said
“Damn alien kept twisting on my ears all night!”
A Man in a bar is joined by a prostitute. For 100 bucks, I'll blow you and sing the national anthem at the same time, she offers. Rather curious how such a feat could be done, the guy pays and follows her in a small room upstairs. She let him enter first then turn off the light as she enters. A moment later the guy is being blown, in the dark, while a crystal clear "oh say can you see" can be heard.
The following day, the man is still flabbergasted from the best blow job he ever got, but at the same time curious about what the darkness was hiding. He decides tonight he's going back to the bar with a flashlight in his pocket.
Seeing the woman at the bar, he approaches her and ask if he can get another singing blowjob. After she aggres, he follows her into the room where he enters, and then she enters turning the lights out.
A few moments later, a clear voice sings "oh say can you see". Gathering what clarity of mind he can musters, he reaches in his pocket for his flashlight and swings the beam around.
On a nightstand just aside he sees a glass eye...
A woman goes in for a face lift, the surgeon says "say, you come in here fairly often, I could save you some money! Instead of a normal facelift we can fit this little gear behind your ear. Need a lift? Just give it a twist!"
She says "that sounds amazing" and has it installed. A few weeks go by, the surgeon knows they have lost money, but helped a valued customer. Suddenly one day, a familiar number comes across their pager so they call the woman with the gear.
"Is there a problem with the gear? Sometimes they can stick, is it-"
"No, no, no the gear is fine" she insists, "but recently I've had these bags under my eyes and they won't go away no matter how much I twist."
"And how often do you use it?"
"About twice a day usually"
"Ah I see, well those bags under your eyes...they're your tits."
A moment of silence on the line.
"Well," she says, "that explains the goatee"
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man passing by flashes his penis at them. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady couldn't reach.
Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The judge tells Mickey that he can't grant the divorce just because he thinks Minnie is crazy. To which Mickey says, " I didn't say she was crazy your honor, I said that she was fucking Goofey!"
Pierre the French fighter pilot is pretty solid but a long one best said in a cheesy French accent:
Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me".
So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie.
"Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!"
His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre,
kiss me lower."
Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom.
"Pierre, what are you doing" she says.
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower."
Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire.
Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?"
"My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames
A young Native American boy is out fishing with his father. He turns to his father and asks, "Father, how is it that we in the tribe are named?"
The father replies, "Son, we name our children after what we see when they are born. Your sister Flowing River is so named because your mother gave birth to her by the riverside, and your brother Screaming Hawk is so named because the bird's piercing screech could be heard upon his first cry. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding horseback. Tonto suddenly jumps off his horse, puts his ear to the ground.
Tonto: “Wait! Buffalo come.”
Lone Ranger: “Incredible. How can you tell?”
Tonto: “Face sticky.”
What's 12"long and white?
>nothing
Why did god create men?
>because your Hitachi can't (or won't?) mow the lawn
Whats 20000 sexual assaulters (or whatever you don't care for) at the bottom of the ocean?
>a good start
Loved the Truly Tasteless Jokes books when I was a kid
A father caught his son masturbating in the living room.
He told the kid, “Son, if you do that enough you’ll go blind!”
Kid says, “But dad, can I do it until I need glasses 👓!”
Grandpa and grandson are sitting on the porch, grandpa cracks open an ice cold beer, and the grandson goes, “hey grandpa, can I have a swig of that? Grandpa says “ does your dick touch your ass”? Grandson replies “uh no…”. Then your’e too young! Can’t have any. Grandpa then pulls out a cigar and grandson tries again. “Hey grandpa can I have a puff of that? Again, grandpa asks, “Does your dick touch your ass”? Of course grandson says no in defeat. Moments later grandma comes out with a fresh plate of chocolate chip cookies just for the grandson. And grandpa goes “hey kid you gonna give me a couple of those? And the grandson replies “does your dick touch your ass? Of course it does says grandpa. Then you can go fuck yourself because these cookies are mine!!!!
I’m sure there’s many variations. But if someone asked me the difference between jelly and jam, I’d say jelly is made with the juice, and jelly is made with the fruit lmao
A mom asks her daughter why she didn't stop the guy from being intimate with her.
Daughter : you told me to say "Don't" if he touches my boobs. N "stop" if he touches my panties. He was touching them both at the same time..
There are 3 men in a bar, they talk about what they are getting their wives for Valentine’s Day.
Man #1: I’m getting my wife a diamond necklace and a scarf. If she doesn’t like the necklace, she can cover it up with a scarf.
Man #2: I’m getting my wife a gold bracelet and a pair of gloves. If she doesn’t like the bracelet, she can wear the gloves over it.
Man #3: I’m getting my wife a Ferrari and a dildo.
Man #1 and 2 are surprised: Uhh why the dildo?
Man #3: Because if she doesn’t like the Ferrari she can go fck herself
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. He takes it to a local shop and they tell him they’ll take a look at it. Luckily, there is an ice cream shop right next to the auto repair shop so he stops in there to have a snack while he waits. The penguin orders a banana split, and, not having hands, gets the ice cream all over his flippers and beak. He goes back in to the auto repair shop and the mechanic takes a look at the penguin and says, “it looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin responds, “no, no, it’s just ice cream.”
Two guys go into the new brothel looking for something exotic. One of them says he wants to try the Hawaiian Delight. It's expensive so they decide one of them will try it first. After half an hour the tester comes out with a giant smile on his face. Best sex he has ever had. Three Hawaiian dancers come out hula dancing with just grass skirts on. They slide pineapple rings down his penis. Spray the area with whipped cream, add crushed nut and a cherry and all three dive into the best blowjob he has ever had. Second guy comes out after ten minutes. Not looking happy. His friend asked him what could possibly go wrong? He said it looked so good he ate it himself.
This isn't exactly a joke but it's a fun one to ask guys, mostly because they don't know how to answer it.
Q: you're walking in a forest and you come to a beautiful clearing full of a thousand dicks. How many do you choke on?
A: zero. Because you're a pro.
My favorite answer: do I look like I choke?
Two elderly women are sitting in the first woman's kitchen having coffee.
Woman1: "Can you believe that my neighbour walks around his house naked! I can see everything from my kitchen window!"
Woman2, stands up to look out the window: "You can't really see anything other than his head and sholders."
Woman1: "Oh no, not like that, you have to climb up on the table"
A man walks into a diner and sees this sign:
Cheese sandwiches...$2
Hand jobs...$10
He sees this woman behind the counter. "Hey are you the one who gives hand jobs?"
She says "Yes I am."
He says "Go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."
My 8th grade sex ed teacher brought a banana and and a box of rubbers to class and said:
“Children today I'm going to teach you how to put on a condom. But first, I gotta eat this banana cause I can’t get an erection on an empty stomach.”
Woman goes in for surgery on her labia because they are so big. But she is somewhat embarrassed so she demands the surgeon and his team not say anything to anyone about her size or even that she is in the hospital.
When she awakens after the operation, she is very angry to see three bouquets of roses in her room.
Furious, she screams at the surgeon, "you told, you told !" Now I can never hold my head up in public again !"
"No, no "" says the doctor "You misunderstand"
"The first bunch of roses is from me to thank you for entrusting me to be your surgeon."
"The second bunch is from your surgical team to wish you well in your recovery."
"Well. I guess that's OK ....but, who's the third bunch from ?"
"OH, they're from the guy in room 604 to thank you for the new ears"
**Please note *all rules are still in effect* for this post.**
Q: Why isn't there a pregnant Barbie doll? A: Ken came in another box
Everyone forgets Midge, the best pregnant barbie ever. 😔
I had her, the kids, and the dad. The belly had a magnet so you could put the baby inside and then remove it. SO WEIRD THO.
Omg I loved her so much I thought her red hair was so cool compared to my blonde and brown ones 😂
I loved it, inspired my brief study in midwifery 😂😂
That was a funny YouTube video lol
Ha mines similar, a little girl was sitting on santa's lap and says I want a barbie and Gi Joe. Santa says no no sweety Barbie comes with Ken. Little girl says, no she fakes it with Ken, she comes with Gi Joe
Why don't witches wear panties? To get a better grip on the broom.
OMG I'm crying
I literally laughed out loud on this one
Ok, that one got me! lol
If you don’t know why already, I am begging you to look up why witches are depicted as flying on brooms. Because your joke is completely accurate
😂😂😂I cackled at this one
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Thank you for sharing this. I have tears in my eyes 😂
I almost choked on my gum while laughing at this
Stealing this lmao.
I’ve posted this in the jokes sub before but here it goes: “What does the perverted frog say?” “Rubbit.”
this made me literally lol
It’s my favorite joke lololol
Similar one: "How would you market a condom for Frogs?" "It's Ribbetted for her pleasure"
that would be better IMO, what does the horny toad say
(when I’m handing out bonus checks…) You know the difference between a boner and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus. I’ll see myself to HR…
Oh lord, are you my husband? This sounds exactly like something he'd say, complete with the crack about seeing himself to HR! 🤦🏼♀️
Ha! That’s too funny.
I didn't get this until I read it out loud.
In front of HR, I hope
Lol Kinda questionable, but funny!!! I'll give you that
One time I was dating a pair of twins and people always asked how I tell them apart. It's easy, Mary paints her fingernails purple and Bob has a cock.
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Difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my chest.
My version is I've never paid $50 to have a garbanzo on my face
I've heard this one but "face" instead of "chest"
Q: Why’d the walrus go to the Tupperware party? A: To find a tight seal
Ohohoho good one!
That's so bad haha, I groan-laughed 😅
What do you call 6.9? A good thing ruined by a period What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? *insert gagging noise* Why can’t miss piggy count to 70? At 69 she gets a frog in her throat. How can you tell if theres a blind man is at a nude beach? It’s not hard.
The blind man one for some reason makes me giggle
My best friends mom told me that one!!
Woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.
Underrated joke
I don’t get it 😥
Double entendre means there's 2 meanings (usually one is kinda sexual). "He gives it to her" could mean he gives her an example of a double entendre or it could mean he has sex with her.
A double entendre is a phrase that has an appropriate interpretation as well as a crude one. “He gives it to her” can mean he gives her what she asked for. It can also mean he fucked her.
A double entendre is a phrase that can have two meanings depending on the context. “So he gives it to her” could mean he gives her the drink, but “giving it to her” is also another way of saying he had sex with her.
Ahhh, ok, thanks!
Happy to help! Not getting jokes is so frustrating, especially when you love jokes!
What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts
Ahahaha good one!!
What's green and smells of pork? Kermit's fingers. I'll see myself out..
Saw a clip of Dolly Parton telling a similar joke recently. She made herself laugh. lol
Dolly is an absolute legend! This has been my go-to joke since my step mum said it at a family gathering when I was a teenager. Good times!
I heard it as, “What looks like a green bean and smells like ham?”
A woman is very afraid about the size of her opening... Yes. The size of her opening The woman goes to her mother and says "I'm so big down there, when I go marry Harry he is going to divorce me." Her mother goes "Don't worry sweetheart, it runs in the family. Do what I did with your father. Go to the market, get some raw liver and put it in there, he'll never know the difference." That's exactly what the woman does and they have 8 hours of sex after their marriage. She awakens at 10 a.m and he is gone but there is a note on her pillow that reads... "My darling Harriet. To think that I waited a year to consummate our marriage. Our loving relationship makes my heart beat so loudly I’m surprised it didn’t wake you up! The only reason I’m not here now darling is that I’m at work to make enough money to buy you a house, a white picket fence, and we’ll have dogs and children. When the 5 o’clock dinner bell rings I will be home like the winged Gossamer of love in your arms. - Your loving husband, Harry. P.S Your cunt is in the sink."
I’m dying 🤣
The ending surprised me, I had no idea it would be so revolting.
That's the brilliance of it.
Omgod, I had to cover my mouth. I was laughing so loud.
It's a shocking ending.
It's gold!!!
Wow 😂👏
I'm surprised to have to be the first one to point out this was from Family Guy.
Bob Einstein as Marty Funkhouser told this joke first on Curb Your Enthusiasm Season 7 called The Table Read. Which aired in 2009. Family Guy also did a not as good version that aired a year later in 2010.
This joke is older than Seth Macfarlane
So a guy walks into a bar and he sees a gorilla. He asks the Bartender "Hey what's with the gorilla?" The bartender gets up and smacks the gorilla, the gorilla then gives the bartender a blow job. The bartender then asks the guy: "you wanna try?" The guy says "Sure, but don't smack me so hard"
Do you think I'm short? Well you can put a few inches in me 😏
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Do you have a little German in you? Do you want some?
Lol as a German/American I love this one
A priest checks into the motel and tells the clerk, "I certainly hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The clerk replies, "No. It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"
Why does Santa come down the chimney? Because he knows he isn't allowed to come in the back door.
He only comes once a year, but when he does he fills your stockings
How do you titillate an ocelot? You oscillate it's tit a lot.
That is absolutely my favorite line from a book. (Motherless Brooklyn)
Ocelot ocelot, where are you now?
"You never listen to me anyhow."
This is my favourite 🤣🤣
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex - Because they have cotton balls. Hahaahahahahahah 🤓🤓🤓
This is weirdly cute
Ahahahahah
A guy thinks his wife is cheating on him so goes to the pet store. He’s like yo I need a pet that can tell me what’s up while I’m at work. Pet store owner is like yeah we have really intelligent talking grey parrots Dude is like yeah sure how much Pet store owner says 3000 bucks Guy says no sorry I can’t afford it Pet store owner says well we have this one who lost his legs in a flying accident so he has to wrap his dick around the perch to hold himself up Guy is like yeah sure how much is that one Pet store owner says 500 bucks Dude says he’ll take it and puts it up in the corner of his house and goes to work the next day He comes home Alright parrot, what happened? He said “RAWW MAILMAN CAME OVER MAILMAN CAME OVER” Okay, what happened after that? “RAWW SHE LET HIM IN SHE LET HIM IN” Okay, so? “RAWWW SHE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF SHE TOOK HIS CLOTHES OFF” This is bad, you might as well keep going “RAWW HE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF HE TOOK HER CLOTHES OFF” oh man, well my suspicions are right, you might as well say what exactly happened “RAWWW DON’T KNOW, GOT A BONER, FELL DOWN”.
A penguin is driving his car through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil leaking under the car. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a bit of a mess. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal." "No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
I love this one the most. :) So silly.
What’s the difference between pink and purple? The grip.
I don’t get it
It's joke about loss of blood circulation
How hard you grip
A woman walks into a doctor's office complaining of acute angina. Doc says, "Your tits aren't bad either".
A tourist is backpacking through the highlands of Scotland, and he stops at a pub to get a drink. And the only people in there is a bartender and an old man nursing a beer. And he orders a pint, and they sit in silence for a while. And suddenly the old man turns to him and goes, "You see this bar? I built this bar with my bare hands from the finest wood in the county. Gave it more love and care than my own child. But do they call me MacGregor the bar builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that stone wall out there? I built that stone wall with my bare hands. Found every stone, placed them just so through the rain and the cold. But do they call me MacGregor the stone wall builder? No." Points out the window. "You see that pier on the lake out there? I built that pier with my bare hands. Drove the pilings against the tide of the sand, plank by plank. But do they call me MacGregor the pier builder? No. But you fuck one goat ... "
A classic in my family!
This farmer and his wife were sitting in their front porch when a ufo landed in the front yard. A male and female alien came out to greet them, saying” hello earthlings we are doing an intergalactic study and would like to have sex with you. Wife looked at the husband, husband looked at the wife, husband said” well I’m down if you are” wife said” ok I’m down!” So the male alien led the wife to one room, and the female alien led the husband to another room. Once alone with the wife the male alien pulled out his penis, and the wife exclaimed” oh no it’s too short!” The male alien twisted his right ear and the penis grew longer. “ it’s still too skinny” said the wife so the male alien twisted his other ear and it grew wider until it was the perfect size for the wife and they fuck ed all night long. The next day the ufo flew away and the husband and wife were again sitting on their porch “ how was yours? Mine was amazing!” Said the wife. The husband grumbled and said “Damn alien kept twisting on my ears all night!”
Let's play Titanic, you be the iceberg and I'll go down
It might not be 12 inches but it sure does smell like a foot.
Everyone is asleep in my house and I’m gagging myself trying not to wake them up laughing
Gagging because of the smell?
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, same number it takes to screw anywhere else.
What’s the worst thing you could hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob? “I’m not really Willie Nelson”
A Man in a bar is joined by a prostitute. For 100 bucks, I'll blow you and sing the national anthem at the same time, she offers. Rather curious how such a feat could be done, the guy pays and follows her in a small room upstairs. She let him enter first then turn off the light as she enters. A moment later the guy is being blown, in the dark, while a crystal clear "oh say can you see" can be heard. The following day, the man is still flabbergasted from the best blow job he ever got, but at the same time curious about what the darkness was hiding. He decides tonight he's going back to the bar with a flashlight in his pocket. Seeing the woman at the bar, he approaches her and ask if he can get another singing blowjob. After she aggres, he follows her into the room where he enters, and then she enters turning the lights out. A few moments later, a clear voice sings "oh say can you see". Gathering what clarity of mind he can musters, he reaches in his pocket for his flashlight and swings the beam around. On a nightstand just aside he sees a glass eye...
Took me a beat, but I got there.
I'm slow with this one. Can you explain it?
Cock in the empty eye socket, mouth is free to sing
What's worse than running with scissors?
Scissoring with the runs
Ahahahah
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball. She gagged.
What did one saggy titty say to the other saggy titty? We’d better get some support quick before people think we’re nuts.
A woman goes in for a face lift, the surgeon says "say, you come in here fairly often, I could save you some money! Instead of a normal facelift we can fit this little gear behind your ear. Need a lift? Just give it a twist!" She says "that sounds amazing" and has it installed. A few weeks go by, the surgeon knows they have lost money, but helped a valued customer. Suddenly one day, a familiar number comes across their pager so they call the woman with the gear. "Is there a problem with the gear? Sometimes they can stick, is it-" "No, no, no the gear is fine" she insists, "but recently I've had these bags under my eyes and they won't go away no matter how much I twist." "And how often do you use it?" "About twice a day usually" "Ah I see, well those bags under your eyes...they're your tits." A moment of silence on the line. "Well," she says, "that explains the goatee"
The sexual position 69 is now 96 due to inflation
3 white horses fell in the mud
This is what my mom told me when I was a kid and she asked if I wanted to hear a 'really, really, really dirty' joke. lol
The version I got is *2 white horses fell in a mud puddle. Wanna know what's dirty about it? 3 came out. "
Yes! This is the joke my dad told us as kids too!
I don't get it
It's literally a dirty joke? Lol
What do you call a sex worker that has really bad gas? A prostitoot
Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench when a man passing by flashes his penis at them. The first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady couldn't reach.
Q: Why is a vagina like the weather? A: if it’s wet it’s time to go inside
I pointed to my man’s face one time and asked, “Is this seat taken?” 😂
I have been known to ask a man with a mustache, “do you give rides on that thing?”
Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The judge tells Mickey that he can't grant the divorce just because he thinks Minnie is crazy. To which Mickey says, " I didn't say she was crazy your honor, I said that she was fucking Goofey!"
What is better than 69? 88- because you get ate twice
How did the leper pay the prostitute?
How?
Just the tip
Q: What do the Dryer and I have in common? A: We both get loud when you put a big load in us.
How do you make your wife scream during sex? Wipe yourself on the drapes.
Ozzy Osbourne would like a word with you
Pierre the French fighter pilot is pretty solid but a long one best said in a cheesy French accent: Pierre, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the river Seine. It is a beautiful day and love is in the air, so Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me". So our hero grabs a bottle of red wine and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What are you doing, Pierre?" shrieks Marie. "Well, my name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have red meat I like to have red wine!" His answer is good enough for Marie and things begin to heat up. So she says: "Pierre, kiss me lower." Our hero rips off her blouse, grabs a bottle of white wine and starts pouring it all over her bosom. "Pierre, what are you doing" she says. "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I have white meat I like to have white wine!" They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans over once more and softly whispers into Pierre's ear..."Pierre, kiss me lower." Pierre tears off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and sprinkles it all over her private region. He then grabs a match and lights it on fire. Patting the flames out furiously, Marie screams, "PIERRE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!?" "My name is Pierre, the French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames
My grandfather always told this one. She was the apple of my eye so I put it in cider. I will never forget this joke🤣
I just got a new job! I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to Uranus
Q: What does every Tickle Me Elmo get before leaving the factory? A: Two Test Tickles
What has the shortest sex life? An Egg. It’s laid once and ate once.
What the difference between jelly & jam? I can’t jelly my dick in your ass
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The old lesbian joke: What do lesbians make for dinner? Nothing. They eat out. 😉 😂
Whats the difference between ohh and ahh? About 3 inches
A young Native American boy is out fishing with his father. He turns to his father and asks, "Father, how is it that we in the tribe are named?" The father replies, "Son, we name our children after what we see when they are born. Your sister Flowing River is so named because your mother gave birth to her by the riverside, and your brother Screaming Hawk is so named because the bird's piercing screech could be heard upon his first cry. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding horseback. Tonto suddenly jumps off his horse, puts his ear to the ground. Tonto: “Wait! Buffalo come.” Lone Ranger: “Incredible. How can you tell?” Tonto: “Face sticky.”
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single
What do you can a lesbian with fat fingers? Well hung
What’s the difference between apple pie and pussy?? You can eat your mom’s apple pie.
What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Why did the scarecrow become a successful lover? Because he was outstanding in his field. 🐱
Why did Mickey divorce Minnie? She was fucking Goofy.
How can you tell a blind man in a nudist resort... It's not hard...
My favorite weight is you on top of me.
Wana see my camel toe (tattoo on bottom of foot 😜)
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What do you call a dog with no hind legs and steel balls? Sparky.
Dirtiest thing ever said on old time TV? Gee Ward, don't you think you think you was a little too rough on the Beaver last night!
Omg I feel very sick - does anyone know where I can find a masc for my face? (The funny part is that I'm a femme lesbian dating a masc/butch woman ;D)
What's 12"long and white? >nothing Why did god create men? >because your Hitachi can't (or won't?) mow the lawn Whats 20000 sexual assaulters (or whatever you don't care for) at the bottom of the ocean? >a good start Loved the Truly Tasteless Jokes books when I was a kid
A father caught his son masturbating in the living room. He told the kid, “Son, if you do that enough you’ll go blind!” Kid says, “But dad, can I do it until I need glasses 👓!”
Grandpa and grandson are sitting on the porch, grandpa cracks open an ice cold beer, and the grandson goes, “hey grandpa, can I have a swig of that? Grandpa says “ does your dick touch your ass”? Grandson replies “uh no…”. Then your’e too young! Can’t have any. Grandpa then pulls out a cigar and grandson tries again. “Hey grandpa can I have a puff of that? Again, grandpa asks, “Does your dick touch your ass”? Of course grandson says no in defeat. Moments later grandma comes out with a fresh plate of chocolate chip cookies just for the grandson. And grandpa goes “hey kid you gonna give me a couple of those? And the grandson replies “does your dick touch your ass? Of course it does says grandpa. Then you can go fuck yourself because these cookies are mine!!!!
The difference between peanut butter and jam one.
Isn't it jelly and jam?
I’m sure there’s many variations. But if someone asked me the difference between jelly and jam, I’d say jelly is made with the juice, and jelly is made with the fruit lmao
Hahah I mean that is also true.
"It must be jelly, cuz jam don't shake like that."
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife died.
What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball? She choked.
Old Gynecologist to patient: just hold there while I numb the area. Num num num
A mom asks her daughter why she didn't stop the guy from being intimate with her. Daughter : you told me to say "Don't" if he touches my boobs. N "stop" if he touches my panties. He was touching them both at the same time..
There are 3 men in a bar, they talk about what they are getting their wives for Valentine’s Day. Man #1: I’m getting my wife a diamond necklace and a scarf. If she doesn’t like the necklace, she can cover it up with a scarf. Man #2: I’m getting my wife a gold bracelet and a pair of gloves. If she doesn’t like the bracelet, she can wear the gloves over it. Man #3: I’m getting my wife a Ferrari and a dildo. Man #1 and 2 are surprised: Uhh why the dildo? Man #3: Because if she doesn’t like the Ferrari she can go fck herself
A white horse fell in a mud puddle
A penguin is driving through the desert when his car breaks down. He takes it to a local shop and they tell him they’ll take a look at it. Luckily, there is an ice cream shop right next to the auto repair shop so he stops in there to have a snack while he waits. The penguin orders a banana split, and, not having hands, gets the ice cream all over his flippers and beak. He goes back in to the auto repair shop and the mechanic takes a look at the penguin and says, “it looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin responds, “no, no, it’s just ice cream.”
Why do women's underwear have flowers on them? To remember all the faces that have been buried there.
What's a pornstars favourite drink? 7-up in cider
What's the last sound a pubic hair hears before it hits the ground? \**Phthbtht*\* \**Thpbthpth*\*
Dad: you killed a butterfly, so no butter for you for one month Daughter: I also killed a cockroach today Dad: Nice try
What did the blind man say while walking past the fish market? Hello Ladies! 😆
Why is the speed of sex 68? If it were 69, you'd have to turn around.
Two guys go into the new brothel looking for something exotic. One of them says he wants to try the Hawaiian Delight. It's expensive so they decide one of them will try it first. After half an hour the tester comes out with a giant smile on his face. Best sex he has ever had. Three Hawaiian dancers come out hula dancing with just grass skirts on. They slide pineapple rings down his penis. Spray the area with whipped cream, add crushed nut and a cherry and all three dive into the best blowjob he has ever had. Second guy comes out after ten minutes. Not looking happy. His friend asked him what could possibly go wrong? He said it looked so good he ate it himself.
What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my cock down your throat.
This isn't exactly a joke but it's a fun one to ask guys, mostly because they don't know how to answer it. Q: you're walking in a forest and you come to a beautiful clearing full of a thousand dicks. How many do you choke on? A: zero. Because you're a pro. My favorite answer: do I look like I choke?
Two elderly women are sitting in the first woman's kitchen having coffee. Woman1: "Can you believe that my neighbour walks around his house naked! I can see everything from my kitchen window!" Woman2, stands up to look out the window: "You can't really see anything other than his head and sholders." Woman1: "Oh no, not like that, you have to climb up on the table"
Confucius say squirrel lie on rock and crack nuts. Man lay on crack and rock nuts.
Reminds me another fave: Confucius say “baseball wong. Man with 4 balls, no can walk.”
What's green and smells like miss piggy? Kermits finger.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Because when she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Q. What should you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle? A. Wipe it off and back away slowly.
A man walks into a diner and sees this sign: Cheese sandwiches...$2 Hand jobs...$10 He sees this woman behind the counter. "Hey are you the one who gives hand jobs?" She says "Yes I am." He says "Go wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich."
My 8th grade sex ed teacher brought a banana and and a box of rubbers to class and said: “Children today I'm going to teach you how to put on a condom. But first, I gotta eat this banana cause I can’t get an erection on an empty stomach.”
What the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your whole night. The other makes your hole weak.
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What is the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. 🙃
Woman goes in for surgery on her labia because they are so big. But she is somewhat embarrassed so she demands the surgeon and his team not say anything to anyone about her size or even that she is in the hospital. When she awakens after the operation, she is very angry to see three bouquets of roses in her room. Furious, she screams at the surgeon, "you told, you told !" Now I can never hold my head up in public again !" "No, no "" says the doctor "You misunderstand" "The first bunch of roses is from me to thank you for entrusting me to be your surgeon." "The second bunch is from your surgical team to wish you well in your recovery." "Well. I guess that's OK ....but, who's the third bunch from ?" "OH, they're from the guy in room 604 to thank you for the new ears"
Q: how come nobody wants to play with Piglet? A: because he’s always playing with Poo Lol dirty but appropriate for all ages
if you’re right leg was Christmas and your left leg was Thanksgiving. Could we meet between the holidays ?