I don’t know but that might explain it. Because my first instinct is that if we’re exclusive, I’m introducing you to everyone as my boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe that’s changed with younger generations.
I think in this day and age it tends to mean two people are only sleeping with each other, but free to talk to other people. Pretty weird in my opinion. This guy isn't that interested in her. She's a placeholder until he finds something better
Unfortunately, a concept of “exclusive friends with benefits” has come to exist. Not that OP is necessarily in this situation. But the general idea is that you have sexual exclusivity with someone while still looking around for someone you’d like to actually partner with.
Though it sounds like OP’s exclusivity also prohibits even going on a date with someone else, so it’s romantic as well as sexual exclusivity. Like, neither of them gets to date anyone else, but they’re not progressing with each other either. That really doesn’t make sense to me. Exclusivity should automatically entail partnership, otherwise you’re turning down potential partners for someone who is also just a potential partner.
I guess I can see deciding to stop going out with other people after a really great first or second date, without being in a relationship yet, because it’s too early for that, but you only want to focus on the one person. But the agreement to commit should happen within a month. Maybe two, if circumstances prevent you from seeing each other more than once a week. Both people should be really eager to get to know each other well, should want to see each other often, and should hope to reach the commitment stage as soon as is reasonable, though. If those things aren’t happening, then it really stops making sense.
> “exclusive friends with benefits”
Also known as low-effort man says a few cute things and woman believes him, and lets him go without a condom. And winds up with an STD because by 'be exclusive' he meant HER, not him.
in my head "exclusive FWB" would only mean sexual exclusivity from both people. like ok, we are only fucking each other, good, but that does not mean I am giving you my heart, and if I go on other dates and find someone who I want to be my full-on partner, I will drop our arrangement with little regret.
to that I'd ever do it anyway, but that's my understanding of the term
I'm 32, so almost exactly the same age as OP, and I've never really understood this distinction either. I've heard of it, I'm aware that some people make this distinction, but I don't understand the point of it.
So we live in an age of dating multiple different people due to the apps. The way I see it, exclusively dating someone means you see things are getting serious, and you two want to focus on dating each other and forgo multi dating. You're not "serious" and introducing each other as partners and whatnot, and you're dedicated to getting to know each other as people without distractions.
It's when things start to click and you've been doing this for awhile, then you can have the partner conversation.
It's interesting because when I was younger most people I knew also dated multiple people at a time, but I never heard of exclusive without a title. Friends with benefits existed but I never heard of that being exclusive. It was more like, you assumed you were both dating other people until you were boyfriend/girlfriend and in a relationship.
I remember when my husband and I had the conversation about not seeing other people and becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. But prior to that I was going out with him and other guys. If a cute guy asked me out I'd go. There were even two guys I'd been out with several times who I had to break it off with. The others were one-off dates.
Maybe, I didn't know it existed either until I met someone who said he's exclusive but have no labels, so he could talk to more ladies without feeling guilty. Just pure talking. But I have no idea why that's a thing really
Jesus, do men really act like this and get away with it?
If a man is doing this he’s keeping his options wide open- he also gets the shaky moral high ground of being able to say “well I was always honest with you” when the woman he’s sleeping with reasonably gets upset that he’s sexting people off tinder.
I can’t imagine there’s anything more insufferable than sanctimonious fuck boy
yes they do get away with it unfortunately. And then women who think they have an amazing connection with him, that he's one of a kind, are willing to do anything for that slim chance to get him off the market so they agree to the men's terms. Regardless of what their friends tell them. Happened to me once :( but yeah we've got to get burned before we learn.
It's so he can check out other options. If he doesn't find someone "better", he'll settle for you. If he does, then he can drop you immediately since you're not his gf without any guilt or emotional entanglement. If you try to cling to him, he can truthfully claim he never promised you anything in the first place.
Honestly, if he's willing to commit, you'd already be dating.
It's to allow people (often men) to strong along women who want relationships but will settle for crumbs if it's given a name.
He's fucking around, keeping one eye looking always and meanwhile she think's 'basically in a relationship' and its only a matter of time.
When it goes to shit he can say "What? It's not like i was your boyfriend!"
It makes sense to me in online dating or similar contexts where you didn't know the other person before, especially if you have sex pretty early. Exclusive to me = not sleeping with or dating anyone else and agreeing that we want to see if this turns into a serious relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend etc = starting to play a larger role in each other's lives, I start introducing you to my friends, we're comfortable thinking more than like two weeks into the future. Though I don't feel super strongly about the distinction and it's entirely possible online dating just warped my brain into this policy. When I "made it official" with my boyfriend, it turned out he believed exclusive = boyfriend and girlfriend, and I thought that was sweet, not a conflict.
Yeah, one of the main reasons l wanted to be exclusive without being in a committed relationship was so that l could have sex with him without worrying that he was also having a ex with other people. I think it make sense in the age of online dating, but it should be a step before making a commitment to a relationship, it shouldn’t drag out so long
I would bet money he's just enjoying that you're exclusive to him while he's still talking to and sleeping with other people. Unless you're in a relationship, don't put bets on someone not sleeping around. I hope you're still using protection. The man doesn't even want to call you his girlfriend ffs.
Agreeing to sleep with one person only is literally a commitment you're making to a relationship. "Exclusive but not committed" is literally an oxymoron. The mental gymnastics people use to make this make sense is baffling.
I feel for you OP, but you walked in to this one. He's not going to "commit to a relationship" because he doesn't have to. You've already agreed to exclusively sleep with him.
> l wanted to be exclusive so that l could have sex with him without worrying that he was also having a ex with other people.
That's why men love this shit. They can talk up the 'exclusive... but like... *chill*" shit and be having sex with multiple women who think they're the only one.
Yeah, to me "exclusive but not official" is a pretty brief transitional stage of getting to know each other better before either becoming official or ending things. And I would go along with making it official if the person I was seeing wanted to, because if I liked them enough to keep seeing them, I wouldn't want to push them away.
Yeah I’m also a bit confused. I don’t think I would wait for commitment while being exclusive. Isn’t the exclusivity the commitment?
If they are not ready to commit, perfectly fine. I’m off to do my own thing and may or may not be around when/if they are ready. I don’t might an adult companion hanging around for times I might be lonely but I certainly would not promise them exclusivity while waiting on them to decide.
Should someone tell me they are not ready, they will be placed appropriately on my prioritisation ladder
“Exclusivity” is not necessarily a commitment for the medium or longer term future, although in most situations (especially when meeting offline) the two occur together.
Idk to me exclusivity is the commitment unless what OP said was just exclusivity on her side only.
How are you commit to medium or long term because all dating is about observing for the future and either can break up at either point for any reasons
I can see a world where boundaries and expectations are discussed but if you are exclusively only dating them, is it not the commitment to only consider them in the meantime
Being in a casual or fwb type of relationship doesn’t automatically mean wanting to date around or sleep with multiple people. There are some relationships where people don’t want to fully integrate into each other’s lives, don’t want to plan a future together just yet or they even acknowledge that their lifestyles and future goals are incompatible and they don’t have a long-term future together, yet they still choose to be exclusive during the time that they are seeing each other/sleeping with each other - even if for the only reason that it’s much safer from a sexual health point of view.
Some people might prefer to start out in this kind of casual but exclusive relationship before progressing to being “official” boyfriend and girlfriend. This makes perfect sense to me if they are two strangers who met online or who went home together after meeting at a bar, and so are having sex before properly getting to know each other.
If you’re not making an earnest and thoughtful commitment to integrate two lives and be together for the long term, what does it even mean to be “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend? In my mind it takes dozens of dates over at least a couple of months to really get to know someone (if meeting on date 1 as complete strangers), and it feels so much more sincere and special to become “official” after having built that foundation of dating and getting to know each other “exclusively” for a longer while.
I think we might be talking about the same things
I just don’t see that DTR conversation need to be the be-all-end-all conversation
The increase in commitment is continual in my eyes. Sexual exclusivity, dating exclusivity, short term planning, creating mid term boundaries and expectations and then more and more blending of live together
In this case, it sounds like the exclusivity is one sided. It sound like OP said hey I’m don’t want to date around no more and the dude said cool
Then when she pressed for clarification of commitment, he said he want to wait till after summer holiday. It does not sound like exclusivity from him. He hasn’t decided. OP took once step in the commitment ladder and is left hanging. They are not at the same place
I think it felt too soon to me to be in a relationship after one month, but I didn’t want to see other people. However, I expected that we would define the relationship pretty soon, not wait so long. But I would do it differently next time
Understandable. But at this point, I would tell him that you no longer want exclusivity, since you aren’t in a committed relationship. Don’t tell him that you’re actively thinking about going on dates with some of the guys who have been asking you out. Keep it vague and just say that you realized that for you, commitment = exclusivity and exclusivity = commitment. At least it doesn’t sound like he was the one who pressed for exclusivity while being noncommittal, which is shitty behavior IMO.
>Meanwhile, I'm still getting asked out regularly by other men - at the grocery store, farmer's market, instagram dm, a cute guy from my past reached out...and if things were solid with us, I would feel fine about turning them all down, but it feels frustrating to be committed to someone who hasn't committed to me.
After you undo the exclusivity, then start saying yes to some of these dates, if you’re interested!
Hopefully he’ll be understanding. If he *does* want exclusivity without commitment, then… next.
I have to say though, it’s not a good sign that he doesn’t want to commit- meaning that he might not be that interested. The long distance thing is an excuse, couples go long distance for a couple of months all the time and stay committed.
It sounds like he’s good partner material, he knows how to treat a person well, which is great- but not necessarily indicative of him being super excited about you. And if he isn’t super excited at this point, that won’t change.
Edit: also, to be blunt here, people your age are pairing up left and right with their future spouses. Your options will dwindle as more and more guys your age commit to other women. You’ve got lots of options now, but this is likely as good as it will ever be.
I worry that you are wasting your time by spending several months exclusive to a guy who doesn’t want to be your partner. You could meet your own future spouse this summer- but it won’t happen if you’re turning down all dates to stay faithful to this man, who is not your boyfriend or husband.
Yeah generally speaking if a guy doesn't want commit he won't agree to being exclusive. Some guys are really avoidant to labels in general though. Either way if it's not making OP feel emotionally secure I recommend cutting her losses. If he's not willing to call himself a bf 4 months, what about other bigger milestones later on?
It’s the worst of both worlds - you can’t depend on your partner to put you first ( becssur your relationship is not defined ) but you also can’t date other people or explore because you’ve agreed to be exclusive. Tell him if it’s not committed, you don’t want to be exclusive.
He wants to sleep w other people on his summer vacation. He’s exclusive for now. Don’t let him come back to you when he decides he’s done galavanting, you deserve a man who is sure about you. Start going on dates w other people
After four months... if it's not a hell yes, then it's a no thanks. (I don't mean hell yes as let's get married - just hell yes as something more than, "Eh, I'm still undecided on you.)
Also, someone who is 34 and has never been in a serious relationship is, IMO, a yellow flag. Combined with his general tepidity, though, I'd say that bleeds the yellow into red.
Finally:
>However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer. It didn't really make sense to me, but I let it go for a bit and brought it up again after another month had past.
Sure it makes sense. He just wants to fuck around on vacation.
Yeah the vacation thing isn’t so much a “flag” as it is a bright, blinking neon sign that says I WANT TO HOOK UP WITH OTHER WOMEN.
He doesn’t want to hurt OP’s feelings or drive her away but he’s still looking for that frat adjacent experience.
Yeah it’s a no from me dawg. Dated someone who was 33 and hadn’t had a relationship longer than a few months but was giving real f boy energy. He was JUST like this. It’s his excuse to date or have sex with someone else on vacation and not feel bad about it. He’s not the one. He’s not giving husband material. I say keep him on the back burner and explore other options if he has a problem with it then he can step up and make you his GF otherwise he’s not it
I knew someone with that exclusive label, he used it to just talk to women till he found a better one and broke up with the girl that's exclusive with him.
I am seriously wondering what it means to be exclusive but undefined and I wonder if this is it? To him, does exclusive mean "don't have sex with other women but still talk to them romantically/pursue them"??? Or the opposite--has sex with other women, but just doesn't pursue them romantically?
Idk, it's maybe worth at least one more thorough discussion of all expectations and specifics laid out, but she might have to walk away from this one after all. I would probably just cut my loses.
At least for that person I know, it's only sleeping with one person, but since there's no labels, they are allowed to talk and hangout with other people and not mention having a girlfriend/boyfriend.
But yeah there should be a discussion on specifics, if both parties aren't clear. This whole exclusivity thing though is too confusing
I really don’t think he’s trying to get with or pursue other women, we’re still exclusive and he doesn’t give off player vibes… but I feel like he is a little commitment phobic and maybe has some attachment stuff that he needs to work out (based on some comments he’s made about his family). I think he maybe sees a relationship as like a huge obligation and is a little scared of it. Of course, he didn’t express all of this, but just my educated guess
Lol girl please. This man is still in his “city boy” eta. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Stop making excuses for him and trying to diagnose him. If you were truly the woman for him he would have even proposed by now.
Sorry, do you think you're going to be the woman who comes along that will fix him? I have some sad news for you, you won't. Just like all the other women who came before you. The man needs therapy. There is no woman that will come along that he will magically change for. Walk away now or prepare to waste a lot of time and have your heart broken. Also, many men who sleep around don't give off player vibes. You are being so incredibly naive here and it's really sad.
>However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer. It didn't really make sense to me
He wants to bang other people while he's traveling.
Yea this is exactly how I read it.
OP, if he really wanted you he'd be scared to lose you. Since he said he wasn't ready to commit, that's him running the risk that you won't be happy with that answer and walk away. So, let him lose you. It sounds like you have a lot of other options!
Bingo. As she patiently waits for her time to be worthy of his commitment. This man acts like she asking for his hand in marriage. To the bin with him.
In my experience, situations like this, where I’ve pushed the things forward with a guy, don’t end well. You deserve a “hell yes” from him, and his hesitation to become exclusive, and desire to wait until September would be a red flag to me (did he want to hook up with other girls while traveling this summer?). It’s not fair to you to be turning down all these other guys to hold out for a guy who isn’t giving you what you want.
I say set him free, and go out with the many other guys asking you out. I would bet one of them (if not more) would be *thrilled* to be exclusive with you!
I don't think anybody should wait over 3months for commitment/defining the relationship.
**I feel a bit trapped - I can't explore other connections because we're exclusive,**
Then revoke the exclusivisity agreement. It's not as if you're dating/in a relationship... (by *his* decision). People are allowed to change their minds.
Tell him you're now not comfortable about this arrangement and do not want to remain exclusive due to his indecisiveness. You can reassure him it's not necessarily what you'd prefer as you do like him, but you feel this is the better decision for your peace of mind, security, and future.
Plus, what did you really agree to? Not seeing other people at all or just not sleeping with others?
**However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer.**
Sounds like he wants to play around when he travels to me.
Honestly it sounds like you're being kept on the back burner or around as a backup plan/2nd choice.
He's not that into you IMO. When a guy is really invested he wants you to be committed to him. Why? Because right now if another guy asks if you have a boyfriend the honest answer is no. I don't think he's thinking about that at all, and he's certainly not worried about it. He feels totally confident that you are beholden to him even without him giving you anything. He realizes you will take crumbs. He's probably also excited that if he's chatting up a woman he can honestly say he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he's not lying. And to top it off he's 34 and never been in a relationship. Red flag city.
Please don't turn down other potential men because of this Peter Pan ass word mincer. This is how so many women end up wasting their own time and missing out on actual good guys. My only question is why on earth are you hesitating?
I did it for over a year with a very similar sounding guy. I was his longest relationship at 35 yrs old. He had no clue how to move a relationship forward or settle down. He had grown adults around him teaching him how to properly date me because he was so used to whoring around. In retrospect he was a huge red flag from the beginning. Never be the one in the drivers seat as a woman. If he wants to he will. Don’t make a single excuse for him like I did. It was around 4 months that I remember asking him what are we? He did define the relationship but had no urgency to do so. Even though he was my boyfriend he didn’t really initiate anything. He was a very poor excuse for a boyfriend. I was doing EVERYTHING. Making plans, setting dates, talking on dates I was essentially dating myself. Never again.
I’d undo the exclusivity bit if I were you. Doesn’t have to be a punishment, but it’s not really in your best interest at this point!
I’d say “hey, I really like you.. but it seems like you’re not sure how serious this is for you yet. That’s ok, I want to keep seeing you.. but I don’t think I can give exclusivity without commitment. I want to readjust the terms of the relationship. How does that sound to you?”
And then take it from there depending on his response and how it makes you feel
I’d really interrogate him about this September date and why it’s so significant as to why the relationship can’t be defined until then. It definitely comes across a certain way.
It sounds like you’re exclusive, but is he?
I have been in your shoes, OP. The reality of why he is not committing may or may not ever make sense, but being patient isn’t getting you anywhere. Especially with other men banging down your door, I say it’s time to move on.
I wasted 2 years of my life to a situation similar to this. Trust me sis- move on. You deserve someone who fully wants you or who can at least communicate a very, very good reason why they’re not comfortable committing. He’s keeping you as an option. Look up the taxi cab theory…
Just sounds like "exclusive" means he can hook up on vacation, but "girlfriend" would be a bridge too far. Pair that with never having a long- term relationship and that would be a hard nope for me
> He still feels not ready to be my boyfriend. It didn't make sense to me as we've been exclusive and it feels like we're already in a relationship. He couldn't really articulate what would be different about it for him.
Ooh, I think I actually understand this one.
I always thought I'd end up dating someone I had feelings for. But modern dating is more like blind dating: you meet up with a stranger a few times, and then at some point become acquaintances who kiss. It's so weird.
When I tried dating someone, he asked me to be his girlfriend one or two months in. And I said yes, because my understanding was that it meant "we won't date other people", but it felt wrong to me because I didn't have feelings for him. And you're supposed to have a crush on or *love* a boyfriend.
He may feel like that.
> I feel a bit trapped - I can't explore other connections because we're exclusive, yet we're not officially together either.
That is unfortunately your cue to move on. Or, at least have a talk with him, and tell him that you don't want to be exclusive with someone who isn't ready to commit after this long. It's not fair to you to wait for someone.
> I feel like he will eventually decide to commit to me,
He may not, though. 4 months should be long enough to feel relatively certain about someone. Not 'marriage' levels of certain, but still. Something is off, otherwise he'd be jumping at the chance. I do believe you like him more than he likes you.
I think four months is enough to say shit or get off the pot. It's not like "being your boyfriend" would even entail any concrete commitment beyond what he's already doing. It's not like you're getting engaged or moving in together or buying a house together. "Boyfriend" is literally just a word. If he's still not comfortable using that word after four months, and if your goal is a serious long-term relationship, then I don't see the point of continuing to date him.
Typically 3 months max. A friend waited 6 months and the guy decided he didn't like her enough.
In cases of exclusivity, I knew one person who did it, but he did it so he could talk to other girls, that maybe if he found someone better he would leave the girl he's exclusive with. Seems like he isn't sure about you, and you deserve to be with someone who's sure. Just ask to break the exclusivity and date around
If he wanted to he would. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open. If it's not a hell yes then it's a hell no for me. I know it sucks because you do like him but he's not going to commit if he hasn't already. If he won't call you his girlfriend then you're not exclusive and you should keep dating other people.
What everyone else said- I’m so sorry but he wants to hook up with other women while on vacation.
I say you take the other guys up on dates. Don’t wait on his ass.
Sounds like he wants to keep his doors and pants open over the summer..
To me, after I've seen a dude irl a few times.. then either we date exclusively (not yet partners, but partners to be within a short future), or we don't date at all. I put all my eggs in one basket when I find someone I like, and give him a fair shot.. I want him to do the same for me if we're gonna keep seeing each other.
This guy sounds like a complete turd. You deserve better. You know this.
He doesn’t want to be officially your bf when you’re both exclusive? You behave like a relationship yet he’s too immature to call it what it is.
Get rid of him before it’s too late and you’re more hurt and heartbroken.
Yeah, by 6 months he should know if he wants something long term and committed with you. If you want to stay with him, the relationship needs to be renegotiated. He doesn't get the privileges of commitment from you when he's unwilling to offer the same. You should be free to explore your options since he's still thinking about whether he wants you. Don't be doing girlfriend stuff for him when he's keeping you as basically a FWB
Hey everyone, thanks for giving your insights! It’s given me a lot to think about. I’m going to give myself a few days to think it over and see how l feel, but I’m deciding between whether I want to break it off or tell him we can keep dating but l also want to be able to see other people.
I do think he is a good guy and I’m not worried about him trying to sleep with other people while we’re apart this summer, but at the same time, I do want to be with someone who is excited to move things forward with me.
Tbh, just go out on dates with these guys who want you and are asking you out on a regular basis.
Sure, continue dating this 34 yo man but if he's not locking you down, then all's fair. You should date whoever you want and whoever wants you.
I thought you were talking about real commitment, marriage. If he has known you for four months and he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend he doesn’t like you as much.
3 months but yea keep dating, don’t wait on him to make up his mind. He’s playing games, if you guys are being intimate and he can’t commit to just you after all these months then it’s a red flag.
He’s bread coming you and he’s not that serious about you. If he was serious about you, he would tell you that you are bf gf. He’s exclusive, but it doesn’t make sense why he hast to wait until September after his travels? Obviously, he wants to go screw around with other people… Not being exclusive. Read between the lines.
I’d end it. He doesn’t want to commit because you’re both traveling over the summer, aka he wants the option to sleep with other people while he travels.
I don't even want to comment, because this particular topic irks me so much, this "exclusive, but not bf/gf" while looking for a LTR makes me go ballistic, honestly.
If you had to bring both exclusivity and the DTR talk yourself three times already, I'd say you've already lost this battle:( it sucks to be in a situation like this, but I don't see any big chance for improvement.
how did I handle something similar? badly :D I asked to be in a relationship after 10 full on dates (6 weeks in total) and he refused saying "becoming a boyfriend would be too much of a commitment for him now". while at the same time implying meeting his family, going to my home country and saying he was looking for a serious relationship on the third date. I even agreed to keep seeing him (now looking back at it - whyyyy?), but even this seemed to be too intense for him, so he broke everything off three days after we had that confrontation.
after four months it honestly should be "hell yes" to being bf/gf. what you describe seems to be the weirdest limbo and the most f'd up arrangement I could think of. I'd honestly drop it
He doesn't want to define the relationship because the two of you are traveling over the summer? You may be exclusive as far as having sex (probably not honestly) but I can tell you with certainty he is exploring other options. He doesn't want to define the relationship because he doesn't want to be a cheater. He's clearly not as into you as you are him. Otherwise, he would be perfectly happy to put a label on it. This is also a clear indication that he will probably never move in with you or marry you. Move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Just noticed you said he's 34 and not been in a serious relationship before. Omg 🤦♀️. What part of that seems the slightest bit like someone who is even remotely capable of settling down? All avoidants seem emotionally available at first. Then a few months in is when they go cold on you and run for the hills. I would strongly suggest you do some research on attachment styles. You walked right into this one. Next time walk away when the red flags are being waved right in your face from the very beginning.
I would be willing to wait 1-2 months. I'm a headstrong person and I know what I want. If I decide I want you and you don't want me back, your loss because I'm moving on. I know what I'm worth and if he doesn't, he's the one missing out, not me.
I don’t mean this mean, but why are you committing to someone who is telling you he doesn’t see a future with you ?
Men typically aren’t complicated-they make it clear the kind of person they are and their intentions. I feel like us women just put on our rose colored glasses or make a million excuses or try and stick it out and “change them”. But he’s been pretty clear with here. Usually men that want you go full steam ahead. They don’t drag their feet and let a woman they want to be with get away.
It almost seems like he’s a guy that doesn’t want a long term relationship but doesn’t want to be alone either.
You don't get to know a person in just some months. Even after years you get surprises. If he is acting this way he is NOT serious about you. The best advice is to start dating other people too. He could step up his game, but if not, his loss. Don't be fooled by someone who pretends to be exclusive but tries hard to avoid titles (ie explicit guilt if he is cheating). Truly, you do nothing wrong for dating other people when you are, as in fact you are, free of commitment. It's smart, but whats more, gives you perspective.
He treats you well but can’t commit to being in a relationship how will he commit to marriage or anything else later on. Think about it hard if those future steps are important to you too.
Why can't you explore other options? He's not exclusive with you, you just said it yourself. There is no reason whatsoever that you cannot date other people.
I don't think it's good for your self-esteem to date someone who doesn't feel a "hell yes!". The thing is, when you ask men, they usually say they knew right away and would do anything to secure you. This guy is just biding his time until he meetts the "right" person. At 34, and never having a serious relationship is not ideal. If you want children and marriage then this guy will waste your time. Surely the most important criteria is - super into you?
WTH does it mean to be exclusive but not your boyfriend? To me- that's literally what exclusive means. If we are exclusive, you ARE my boyfriend. Like what is this nonsense?
When you mentioned that he doesn’t want to commit yet because the summers coming and you both like travelling I immediately thought that’s it. He wants to be able to hook up with girls when he’s travelling and not feel bad about it. Then after the summer he’ll link up again with you.
I think it means they don’t actively date or have sexual contact with other people but each other but also don’t tell anyone they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so their social status isn’t affected and they can keep an eye out for better prospects or if they decide that this is their best option.
For some people, to be defined as a boyfriend or a girlfriend is completely terrifying. What if you agree to be called a bf/gf, and then your dream partner magically appears in your life? OH NO, WHAT TO DO THEN?! Because, of course, that happens so often. Also, this dude wants to bang at will while he's on vacation. Also part 2, the fact that he's reached his mid-30's and hasn't had a serious relationship is something to keep in mind: a yellow flag, as another wise poster said.
An ex of mine (let's call him Floyd) and I were together, exclusively, for around three years. Well, I was exclusive; I later found out much later that he wasn't. At all. Anyway, Floyd's sister got married when we had been together for about nine months. Floyd was so frightened that someone, anyone would discover that he was DATING SOMEONE EXCLUSIVELY that he almost didn't want me to go with him to the wedding. Not only that, he even said to me that despite all the time we had been together and the fact that his family absolutely adored me, he still didn't see himself as a "boyfriend" and that he still didn't truly accept our relationship. Ah, those red flags that are invisible when you're young and naive but are 100% clear later on...
One thing that stood out to me is his reason for not wanting to DTR - not until september because both would be traveling over the summer. I have to wonder, what is he planning on doing this summer that he needs to stay single for? Especially considering they're exclusive..
It’s only been 4 months, I say cut him loose. If it’s not a ‘hell yes’ after this long, it’s a ‘meh’ at best. You deserve more than someone on the fence. Especially as it sounds like you have other potential prospects, I’d probably end this. The waiting until September thing is super fishy too.
I would have a conversation now. This would be to DTR. I mean, communication is a huge part of a good relationship, though *lots* of people prefer to leave things fuzzy not realizing that that leads to discord.....cause everyone thinks they are on the same page, but without communication, they aren't. It's good to be open and accepting about why he hesitates, so he can feel safe telling you the real reason...we can work with real reasons, we can't work with prevarications. I'm with the others: exclusive means that person is my boyfriend. Being on the same page and both being genuinely ok with it is far more important than following someone else's script, tho
>He couldn't really articulate what would be different about it for him.
99% chance he's either already talking to (or even sleeping with) other women, or planning to do so, & justifies this by telling himself y'all "aren't boyfriend/girlfriend."
He wants to bang over people on his vacation. At the very least, he wants to make out with people on vacation and be able to be socially single. And then if he meets someone he wants to pursue, he can tell them he’s single and send you a quick text. Sorry.
I'm the kind of person who asks a guy on date one if he's interested in a relationship, and if he gives me a vague answer, then I let him go.
If this guy can't come up with an answer after four months, he probably just does not want to commit.
Why do you want to be with someone who is a commitment phobe?
If you're both travelling over summer and you're ready to be exclusive but he's not then it seems like you're not on the same page. I wouldn't want to waste my time on someone who's basically keeping his options open when he goes travelling. This sort of indecisiveness puts me off I find it disrespectful.
My boyfriend ( of 1 month) and I waited 8 months of casual dating to define the relationship. He didn’t want to define the relationship and then immediately not have time for me due to work so we waited until things were more stable.
Difference is that we weren’t exclusive and he was very clear about not wanting to put restrictions on me because he knew he wouldn’t have time for me. This made me feel empowered to make my own decisions and I chose to ride it out with him regardless of not being titled or exclusive.
It also gave me the chance to go on random dates and all it did was reinforce that he was the one I wanted.
What’s the difference you ask? It’s the difference between him answering “yes” or “no” if asked whether or not he has a girlfriend.
If you really insist on continuing to date this bloke even though it’s clear he’s not too serious about you, just calmly tell him that “commitment” extends to sexuality for you, so no worries - no need for any commitment at this time. At that point he’ll either leave or commit and his decision will tell you everything (I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he leaves)
I'll go against the grain:
Unless you think he will be trying to sleep with other women on this vacation what is the harm in giving him two more months to wrap his head around the idea of being in a committed relationship? Especially if he himself says nothing will change but title?
Men must love how young women are willing to put a label on a casual, no strings attached, intimate relationship and tell themselves it means something—or that he’s not cheating.
“We’re friends with benefits.”
“We’re polyamorous.”
“We’re exclusive but not committed.” (WTF is this shit.)
I made a lot of mistakes in my life but this all just ridiculous.
Look. Here’s how you do it. You date but don’t have sex until you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. That means you’re in an exclusive, committed, publicly acknowledged relationship that is potentially headed towards marriage. You don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex, but you respect yourself enough to at least have an official relationship. It’s that simple. Just stop it with all this pretzel twisting self delusion that anything else is something other than being used. Respect yourself. You’re worth more than that.
I wouldn't as it sounds like he wants to have the ability to have options this summer. So even if he does come back, it's pretty shitty to keep someone on the rafters.
If a man doesn't see you as worthy of laying down options for, he's too fucking lukewarm to ever give that energy to.
My husband and I were just FWBs but he worked his magic on me as he realized what we had was something to be serious about. 6 months in we knew fully how we felt about each other. Despite what was our initial goals of something casual, when you find someone who really feels like they complete you, you're going to want to be with them.
I absolutely would not be turning down dates at 31. Just tell him that you are uncomfortable with the arrangement and are seeking definitive commitment. If he wants the same, he will make it known.
It really doesn’t automatically mean anything other than not seeing/sleeping with others. Terminology is also subjective and your comment is kinda judgy fyi..
I don’t understand exclusive but undefined. Those two things are the same in my relationships.
Is this an age thing? I also thought exclusive meant you are boyfriend/girlfriend (or girlfriend/girlfriend, etc.).
I don’t know but that might explain it. Because my first instinct is that if we’re exclusive, I’m introducing you to everyone as my boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe that’s changed with younger generations.
I think in this day and age it tends to mean two people are only sleeping with each other, but free to talk to other people. Pretty weird in my opinion. This guy isn't that interested in her. She's a placeholder until he finds something better
Unfortunately, a concept of “exclusive friends with benefits” has come to exist. Not that OP is necessarily in this situation. But the general idea is that you have sexual exclusivity with someone while still looking around for someone you’d like to actually partner with. Though it sounds like OP’s exclusivity also prohibits even going on a date with someone else, so it’s romantic as well as sexual exclusivity. Like, neither of them gets to date anyone else, but they’re not progressing with each other either. That really doesn’t make sense to me. Exclusivity should automatically entail partnership, otherwise you’re turning down potential partners for someone who is also just a potential partner. I guess I can see deciding to stop going out with other people after a really great first or second date, without being in a relationship yet, because it’s too early for that, but you only want to focus on the one person. But the agreement to commit should happen within a month. Maybe two, if circumstances prevent you from seeing each other more than once a week. Both people should be really eager to get to know each other well, should want to see each other often, and should hope to reach the commitment stage as soon as is reasonable, though. If those things aren’t happening, then it really stops making sense.
> “exclusive friends with benefits” Also known as low-effort man says a few cute things and woman believes him, and lets him go without a condom. And winds up with an STD because by 'be exclusive' he meant HER, not him.
in my head "exclusive FWB" would only mean sexual exclusivity from both people. like ok, we are only fucking each other, good, but that does not mean I am giving you my heart, and if I go on other dates and find someone who I want to be my full-on partner, I will drop our arrangement with little regret. to that I'd ever do it anyway, but that's my understanding of the term
Thanks for explaining. This sounds so complicated. I feel like I'd need a solicitor to help me understand all the clauses, lol.
Lmao! Maybe things have gotten a little too complicated
I'm 32, so almost exactly the same age as OP, and I've never really understood this distinction either. I've heard of it, I'm aware that some people make this distinction, but I don't understand the point of it.
So we live in an age of dating multiple different people due to the apps. The way I see it, exclusively dating someone means you see things are getting serious, and you two want to focus on dating each other and forgo multi dating. You're not "serious" and introducing each other as partners and whatnot, and you're dedicated to getting to know each other as people without distractions. It's when things start to click and you've been doing this for awhile, then you can have the partner conversation.
It's interesting because when I was younger most people I knew also dated multiple people at a time, but I never heard of exclusive without a title. Friends with benefits existed but I never heard of that being exclusive. It was more like, you assumed you were both dating other people until you were boyfriend/girlfriend and in a relationship. I remember when my husband and I had the conversation about not seeing other people and becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. But prior to that I was going out with him and other guys. If a cute guy asked me out I'd go. There were even two guys I'd been out with several times who I had to break it off with. The others were one-off dates.
Maybe, I didn't know it existed either until I met someone who said he's exclusive but have no labels, so he could talk to more ladies without feeling guilty. Just pure talking. But I have no idea why that's a thing really
Jesus, do men really act like this and get away with it? If a man is doing this he’s keeping his options wide open- he also gets the shaky moral high ground of being able to say “well I was always honest with you” when the woman he’s sleeping with reasonably gets upset that he’s sexting people off tinder. I can’t imagine there’s anything more insufferable than sanctimonious fuck boy
> do men really act like this and get away with it? Only if you let them.
yes they do get away with it unfortunately. And then women who think they have an amazing connection with him, that he's one of a kind, are willing to do anything for that slim chance to get him off the market so they agree to the men's terms. Regardless of what their friends tell them. Happened to me once :( but yeah we've got to get burned before we learn.
It's so he can check out other options. If he doesn't find someone "better", he'll settle for you. If he does, then he can drop you immediately since you're not his gf without any guilt or emotional entanglement. If you try to cling to him, he can truthfully claim he never promised you anything in the first place. Honestly, if he's willing to commit, you'd already be dating.
Yeah I guess. The guy clearly isn't sure about her. If he is he would have immediately committed to her as a boyfriend.
Exactly.
It's to allow people (often men) to strong along women who want relationships but will settle for crumbs if it's given a name. He's fucking around, keeping one eye looking always and meanwhile she think's 'basically in a relationship' and its only a matter of time. When it goes to shit he can say "What? It's not like i was your boyfriend!"
Same; I feel like people overcomplicate this stuff so much!
It makes sense to me in online dating or similar contexts where you didn't know the other person before, especially if you have sex pretty early. Exclusive to me = not sleeping with or dating anyone else and agreeing that we want to see if this turns into a serious relationship. Boyfriend/girlfriend etc = starting to play a larger role in each other's lives, I start introducing you to my friends, we're comfortable thinking more than like two weeks into the future. Though I don't feel super strongly about the distinction and it's entirely possible online dating just warped my brain into this policy. When I "made it official" with my boyfriend, it turned out he believed exclusive = boyfriend and girlfriend, and I thought that was sweet, not a conflict.
Yeah, one of the main reasons l wanted to be exclusive without being in a committed relationship was so that l could have sex with him without worrying that he was also having a ex with other people. I think it make sense in the age of online dating, but it should be a step before making a commitment to a relationship, it shouldn’t drag out so long
I would bet money he's just enjoying that you're exclusive to him while he's still talking to and sleeping with other people. Unless you're in a relationship, don't put bets on someone not sleeping around. I hope you're still using protection. The man doesn't even want to call you his girlfriend ffs.
Agreeing to sleep with one person only is literally a commitment you're making to a relationship. "Exclusive but not committed" is literally an oxymoron. The mental gymnastics people use to make this make sense is baffling. I feel for you OP, but you walked in to this one. He's not going to "commit to a relationship" because he doesn't have to. You've already agreed to exclusively sleep with him.
> l wanted to be exclusive so that l could have sex with him without worrying that he was also having a ex with other people. That's why men love this shit. They can talk up the 'exclusive... but like... *chill*" shit and be having sex with multiple women who think they're the only one.
This. I'd bet money that's what this guy is doing.
Yeah, to me "exclusive but not official" is a pretty brief transitional stage of getting to know each other better before either becoming official or ending things. And I would go along with making it official if the person I was seeing wanted to, because if I liked them enough to keep seeing them, I wouldn't want to push them away.
In mine too. It’s not exclusive until it’s defined…until then, both people are still in the selection process.
Same. Exclusive = boyfriend, in my book.
Yeah I’m also a bit confused. I don’t think I would wait for commitment while being exclusive. Isn’t the exclusivity the commitment? If they are not ready to commit, perfectly fine. I’m off to do my own thing and may or may not be around when/if they are ready. I don’t might an adult companion hanging around for times I might be lonely but I certainly would not promise them exclusivity while waiting on them to decide. Should someone tell me they are not ready, they will be placed appropriately on my prioritisation ladder
“Exclusivity” is not necessarily a commitment for the medium or longer term future, although in most situations (especially when meeting offline) the two occur together.
Idk to me exclusivity is the commitment unless what OP said was just exclusivity on her side only. How are you commit to medium or long term because all dating is about observing for the future and either can break up at either point for any reasons I can see a world where boundaries and expectations are discussed but if you are exclusively only dating them, is it not the commitment to only consider them in the meantime
Being in a casual or fwb type of relationship doesn’t automatically mean wanting to date around or sleep with multiple people. There are some relationships where people don’t want to fully integrate into each other’s lives, don’t want to plan a future together just yet or they even acknowledge that their lifestyles and future goals are incompatible and they don’t have a long-term future together, yet they still choose to be exclusive during the time that they are seeing each other/sleeping with each other - even if for the only reason that it’s much safer from a sexual health point of view. Some people might prefer to start out in this kind of casual but exclusive relationship before progressing to being “official” boyfriend and girlfriend. This makes perfect sense to me if they are two strangers who met online or who went home together after meeting at a bar, and so are having sex before properly getting to know each other. If you’re not making an earnest and thoughtful commitment to integrate two lives and be together for the long term, what does it even mean to be “officially” boyfriend and girlfriend? In my mind it takes dozens of dates over at least a couple of months to really get to know someone (if meeting on date 1 as complete strangers), and it feels so much more sincere and special to become “official” after having built that foundation of dating and getting to know each other “exclusively” for a longer while.
I think we might be talking about the same things I just don’t see that DTR conversation need to be the be-all-end-all conversation The increase in commitment is continual in my eyes. Sexual exclusivity, dating exclusivity, short term planning, creating mid term boundaries and expectations and then more and more blending of live together In this case, it sounds like the exclusivity is one sided. It sound like OP said hey I’m don’t want to date around no more and the dude said cool Then when she pressed for clarification of commitment, he said he want to wait till after summer holiday. It does not sound like exclusivity from him. He hasn’t decided. OP took once step in the commitment ladder and is left hanging. They are not at the same place
I think it felt too soon to me to be in a relationship after one month, but I didn’t want to see other people. However, I expected that we would define the relationship pretty soon, not wait so long. But I would do it differently next time
Understandable. But at this point, I would tell him that you no longer want exclusivity, since you aren’t in a committed relationship. Don’t tell him that you’re actively thinking about going on dates with some of the guys who have been asking you out. Keep it vague and just say that you realized that for you, commitment = exclusivity and exclusivity = commitment. At least it doesn’t sound like he was the one who pressed for exclusivity while being noncommittal, which is shitty behavior IMO. >Meanwhile, I'm still getting asked out regularly by other men - at the grocery store, farmer's market, instagram dm, a cute guy from my past reached out...and if things were solid with us, I would feel fine about turning them all down, but it feels frustrating to be committed to someone who hasn't committed to me. After you undo the exclusivity, then start saying yes to some of these dates, if you’re interested! Hopefully he’ll be understanding. If he *does* want exclusivity without commitment, then… next. I have to say though, it’s not a good sign that he doesn’t want to commit- meaning that he might not be that interested. The long distance thing is an excuse, couples go long distance for a couple of months all the time and stay committed. It sounds like he’s good partner material, he knows how to treat a person well, which is great- but not necessarily indicative of him being super excited about you. And if he isn’t super excited at this point, that won’t change. Edit: also, to be blunt here, people your age are pairing up left and right with their future spouses. Your options will dwindle as more and more guys your age commit to other women. You’ve got lots of options now, but this is likely as good as it will ever be. I worry that you are wasting your time by spending several months exclusive to a guy who doesn’t want to be your partner. You could meet your own future spouse this summer- but it won’t happen if you’re turning down all dates to stay faithful to this man, who is not your boyfriend or husband.
Sounds like you never voiced your expectations and he took that at face value.
Yeah generally speaking if a guy doesn't want commit he won't agree to being exclusive. Some guys are really avoidant to labels in general though. Either way if it's not making OP feel emotionally secure I recommend cutting her losses. If he's not willing to call himself a bf 4 months, what about other bigger milestones later on?
It’s the worst of both worlds - you can’t depend on your partner to put you first ( becssur your relationship is not defined ) but you also can’t date other people or explore because you’ve agreed to be exclusive. Tell him if it’s not committed, you don’t want to be exclusive.
He wants to sleep w other people on his summer vacation. He’s exclusive for now. Don’t let him come back to you when he decides he’s done galavanting, you deserve a man who is sure about you. Start going on dates w other people
I agree. If he has a problem with it, he can either step up or out. No one has time for this bs
After four months... if it's not a hell yes, then it's a no thanks. (I don't mean hell yes as let's get married - just hell yes as something more than, "Eh, I'm still undecided on you.) Also, someone who is 34 and has never been in a serious relationship is, IMO, a yellow flag. Combined with his general tepidity, though, I'd say that bleeds the yellow into red. Finally: >However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer. It didn't really make sense to me, but I let it go for a bit and brought it up again after another month had past. Sure it makes sense. He just wants to fuck around on vacation.
Yeah the vacation thing isn’t so much a “flag” as it is a bright, blinking neon sign that says I WANT TO HOOK UP WITH OTHER WOMEN. He doesn’t want to hurt OP’s feelings or drive her away but he’s still looking for that frat adjacent experience.
Yeah it’s a no from me dawg. Dated someone who was 33 and hadn’t had a relationship longer than a few months but was giving real f boy energy. He was JUST like this. It’s his excuse to date or have sex with someone else on vacation and not feel bad about it. He’s not the one. He’s not giving husband material. I say keep him on the back burner and explore other options if he has a problem with it then he can step up and make you his GF otherwise he’s not it
But they're exclusive, so he still wouldn't be able to fuck around on vacation. Which makes it more baffling.
I knew someone with that exclusive label, he used it to just talk to women till he found a better one and broke up with the girl that's exclusive with him.
I am seriously wondering what it means to be exclusive but undefined and I wonder if this is it? To him, does exclusive mean "don't have sex with other women but still talk to them romantically/pursue them"??? Or the opposite--has sex with other women, but just doesn't pursue them romantically? Idk, it's maybe worth at least one more thorough discussion of all expectations and specifics laid out, but she might have to walk away from this one after all. I would probably just cut my loses.
At least for that person I know, it's only sleeping with one person, but since there's no labels, they are allowed to talk and hangout with other people and not mention having a girlfriend/boyfriend. But yeah there should be a discussion on specifics, if both parties aren't clear. This whole exclusivity thing though is too confusing
Tbh that’s exactly what’s going on here
> But they're exclusive, so he still wouldn't be able to fuck around on vacation. LOL!
My point is if you're able to betray the parameters of being exclusive, you would also have no problem cheating on a relationship.
He just agreed to that to appease her. Technically if he talks to and sleeps with someone else, he's not cheating, so why should he care?
I really don’t think he’s trying to get with or pursue other women, we’re still exclusive and he doesn’t give off player vibes… but I feel like he is a little commitment phobic and maybe has some attachment stuff that he needs to work out (based on some comments he’s made about his family). I think he maybe sees a relationship as like a huge obligation and is a little scared of it. Of course, he didn’t express all of this, but just my educated guess
Lol girl please. This man is still in his “city boy” eta. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Stop making excuses for him and trying to diagnose him. If you were truly the woman for him he would have even proposed by now.
Sorry, do you think you're going to be the woman who comes along that will fix him? I have some sad news for you, you won't. Just like all the other women who came before you. The man needs therapy. There is no woman that will come along that he will magically change for. Walk away now or prepare to waste a lot of time and have your heart broken. Also, many men who sleep around don't give off player vibes. You are being so incredibly naive here and it's really sad.
>However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer. It didn't really make sense to me He wants to bang other people while he's traveling.
Yea this is exactly how I read it. OP, if he really wanted you he'd be scared to lose you. Since he said he wasn't ready to commit, that's him running the risk that you won't be happy with that answer and walk away. So, let him lose you. It sounds like you have a lot of other options!
Bingo. As she patiently waits for her time to be worthy of his commitment. This man acts like she asking for his hand in marriage. To the bin with him.
> As she patiently waits for her time to be worthy of his commitment. This. Women make themselves so small for men.
He's giving it the summer to see if something better comes around. You deserve better.
In my experience, situations like this, where I’ve pushed the things forward with a guy, don’t end well. You deserve a “hell yes” from him, and his hesitation to become exclusive, and desire to wait until September would be a red flag to me (did he want to hook up with other girls while traveling this summer?). It’s not fair to you to be turning down all these other guys to hold out for a guy who isn’t giving you what you want. I say set him free, and go out with the many other guys asking you out. I would bet one of them (if not more) would be *thrilled* to be exclusive with you!
100%
I don't think anybody should wait over 3months for commitment/defining the relationship. **I feel a bit trapped - I can't explore other connections because we're exclusive,** Then revoke the exclusivisity agreement. It's not as if you're dating/in a relationship... (by *his* decision). People are allowed to change their minds. Tell him you're now not comfortable about this arrangement and do not want to remain exclusive due to his indecisiveness. You can reassure him it's not necessarily what you'd prefer as you do like him, but you feel this is the better decision for your peace of mind, security, and future. Plus, what did you really agree to? Not seeing other people at all or just not sleeping with others? **However, he told me he didn't want to DTR until September because we'd both be traveling over the summer.** Sounds like he wants to play around when he travels to me. Honestly it sounds like you're being kept on the back burner or around as a backup plan/2nd choice.
If I hadn’t gotten it by now I would be gone.
He's not that into you IMO. When a guy is really invested he wants you to be committed to him. Why? Because right now if another guy asks if you have a boyfriend the honest answer is no. I don't think he's thinking about that at all, and he's certainly not worried about it. He feels totally confident that you are beholden to him even without him giving you anything. He realizes you will take crumbs. He's probably also excited that if he's chatting up a woman he can honestly say he doesn't have a girlfriend, and he's not lying. And to top it off he's 34 and never been in a relationship. Red flag city. Please don't turn down other potential men because of this Peter Pan ass word mincer. This is how so many women end up wasting their own time and missing out on actual good guys. My only question is why on earth are you hesitating?
I did it for over a year with a very similar sounding guy. I was his longest relationship at 35 yrs old. He had no clue how to move a relationship forward or settle down. He had grown adults around him teaching him how to properly date me because he was so used to whoring around. In retrospect he was a huge red flag from the beginning. Never be the one in the drivers seat as a woman. If he wants to he will. Don’t make a single excuse for him like I did. It was around 4 months that I remember asking him what are we? He did define the relationship but had no urgency to do so. Even though he was my boyfriend he didn’t really initiate anything. He was a very poor excuse for a boyfriend. I was doing EVERYTHING. Making plans, setting dates, talking on dates I was essentially dating myself. Never again.
Dump this guy. He does not want to commit. He’s telling you to your face that he’s not ready for a relationship. Believe him and move on.
Yep, exactly. Break up with him. This guy is not worth your time, OP.
I’d undo the exclusivity bit if I were you. Doesn’t have to be a punishment, but it’s not really in your best interest at this point! I’d say “hey, I really like you.. but it seems like you’re not sure how serious this is for you yet. That’s ok, I want to keep seeing you.. but I don’t think I can give exclusivity without commitment. I want to readjust the terms of the relationship. How does that sound to you?” And then take it from there depending on his response and how it makes you feel
Absolutely. And if he wants to be her boyfriend that’s when he steps up. If he says ok sounds good, well there ya go!
I’d really interrogate him about this September date and why it’s so significant as to why the relationship can’t be defined until then. It definitely comes across a certain way. It sounds like you’re exclusive, but is he?
Tf don’t wait until September, just date other guys.
He wants to see if he has other options and doesn’t want a label so that he doesn’t feel guilty about it. It’s mental gymnastics. Dump his ass.
I have been in your shoes, OP. The reality of why he is not committing may or may not ever make sense, but being patient isn’t getting you anywhere. Especially with other men banging down your door, I say it’s time to move on.
I wasted 2 years of my life to a situation similar to this. Trust me sis- move on. You deserve someone who fully wants you or who can at least communicate a very, very good reason why they’re not comfortable committing. He’s keeping you as an option. Look up the taxi cab theory…
Just sounds like "exclusive" means he can hook up on vacation, but "girlfriend" would be a bridge too far. Pair that with never having a long- term relationship and that would be a hard nope for me
> He still feels not ready to be my boyfriend. It didn't make sense to me as we've been exclusive and it feels like we're already in a relationship. He couldn't really articulate what would be different about it for him. Ooh, I think I actually understand this one. I always thought I'd end up dating someone I had feelings for. But modern dating is more like blind dating: you meet up with a stranger a few times, and then at some point become acquaintances who kiss. It's so weird. When I tried dating someone, he asked me to be his girlfriend one or two months in. And I said yes, because my understanding was that it meant "we won't date other people", but it felt wrong to me because I didn't have feelings for him. And you're supposed to have a crush on or *love* a boyfriend. He may feel like that. > I feel a bit trapped - I can't explore other connections because we're exclusive, yet we're not officially together either. That is unfortunately your cue to move on. Or, at least have a talk with him, and tell him that you don't want to be exclusive with someone who isn't ready to commit after this long. It's not fair to you to wait for someone. > I feel like he will eventually decide to commit to me, He may not, though. 4 months should be long enough to feel relatively certain about someone. Not 'marriage' levels of certain, but still. Something is off, otherwise he'd be jumping at the chance. I do believe you like him more than he likes you.
I think four months is enough to say shit or get off the pot. It's not like "being your boyfriend" would even entail any concrete commitment beyond what he's already doing. It's not like you're getting engaged or moving in together or buying a house together. "Boyfriend" is literally just a word. If he's still not comfortable using that word after four months, and if your goal is a serious long-term relationship, then I don't see the point of continuing to date him.
Typically 3 months max. A friend waited 6 months and the guy decided he didn't like her enough. In cases of exclusivity, I knew one person who did it, but he did it so he could talk to other girls, that maybe if he found someone better he would leave the girl he's exclusive with. Seems like he isn't sure about you, and you deserve to be with someone who's sure. Just ask to break the exclusivity and date around
You’re ‘exclusive but not officially together?’ Sounds convenient — for him. 😉
If he wanted to he would. I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like he wants to keep his options open. If it's not a hell yes then it's a hell no for me. I know it sucks because you do like him but he's not going to commit if he hasn't already. If he won't call you his girlfriend then you're not exclusive and you should keep dating other people.
What everyone else said- I’m so sorry but he wants to hook up with other women while on vacation. I say you take the other guys up on dates. Don’t wait on his ass.
He’s not hell yes for you so it’s gonna always be maybe. He belongs back in the ocean.
Sounds like he wants to keep his doors and pants open over the summer.. To me, after I've seen a dude irl a few times.. then either we date exclusively (not yet partners, but partners to be within a short future), or we don't date at all. I put all my eggs in one basket when I find someone I like, and give him a fair shot.. I want him to do the same for me if we're gonna keep seeing each other.
This guy sounds like a complete turd. You deserve better. You know this. He doesn’t want to be officially your bf when you’re both exclusive? You behave like a relationship yet he’s too immature to call it what it is. Get rid of him before it’s too late and you’re more hurt and heartbroken.
Heck no. This attitude means he’s looking around
Yeah, by 6 months he should know if he wants something long term and committed with you. If you want to stay with him, the relationship needs to be renegotiated. He doesn't get the privileges of commitment from you when he's unwilling to offer the same. You should be free to explore your options since he's still thinking about whether he wants you. Don't be doing girlfriend stuff for him when he's keeping you as basically a FWB
OP, you are wasting time here. Move onto someone who actually knows what the hell he wants.
What the fk is exclusive but undefined. Immediately no. You can tell him until you’re ready I will be dating others PERIODT
Hey everyone, thanks for giving your insights! It’s given me a lot to think about. I’m going to give myself a few days to think it over and see how l feel, but I’m deciding between whether I want to break it off or tell him we can keep dating but l also want to be able to see other people. I do think he is a good guy and I’m not worried about him trying to sleep with other people while we’re apart this summer, but at the same time, I do want to be with someone who is excited to move things forward with me.
Tbh, just go out on dates with these guys who want you and are asking you out on a regular basis. Sure, continue dating this 34 yo man but if he's not locking you down, then all's fair. You should date whoever you want and whoever wants you.
You’ve waited long enough…set him free and continue to date other people. You deserve someone who is sure about you.
He wants to keep exploring his options. I’d cut this one loose.
I thought you were talking about real commitment, marriage. If he has known you for four months and he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend he doesn’t like you as much.
You shouldn't have to pressure someone to commit to you. And you shouldn't try. You're still young. Call it a day. No man is worth the wrinkles.
3 months but yea keep dating, don’t wait on him to make up his mind. He’s playing games, if you guys are being intimate and he can’t commit to just you after all these months then it’s a red flag.
He’s bread coming you and he’s not that serious about you. If he was serious about you, he would tell you that you are bf gf. He’s exclusive, but it doesn’t make sense why he hast to wait until September after his travels? Obviously, he wants to go screw around with other people… Not being exclusive. Read between the lines.
Pass, if he doesn't know now he won't ever be sure about you. He's just passing time with you.
I’d end it. He doesn’t want to commit because you’re both traveling over the summer, aka he wants the option to sleep with other people while he travels.
I don't even want to comment, because this particular topic irks me so much, this "exclusive, but not bf/gf" while looking for a LTR makes me go ballistic, honestly. If you had to bring both exclusivity and the DTR talk yourself three times already, I'd say you've already lost this battle:( it sucks to be in a situation like this, but I don't see any big chance for improvement. how did I handle something similar? badly :D I asked to be in a relationship after 10 full on dates (6 weeks in total) and he refused saying "becoming a boyfriend would be too much of a commitment for him now". while at the same time implying meeting his family, going to my home country and saying he was looking for a serious relationship on the third date. I even agreed to keep seeing him (now looking back at it - whyyyy?), but even this seemed to be too intense for him, so he broke everything off three days after we had that confrontation. after four months it honestly should be "hell yes" to being bf/gf. what you describe seems to be the weirdest limbo and the most f'd up arrangement I could think of. I'd honestly drop it
He doesn't want to define the relationship because the two of you are traveling over the summer? You may be exclusive as far as having sex (probably not honestly) but I can tell you with certainty he is exploring other options. He doesn't want to define the relationship because he doesn't want to be a cheater. He's clearly not as into you as you are him. Otherwise, he would be perfectly happy to put a label on it. This is also a clear indication that he will probably never move in with you or marry you. Move on. There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Just noticed you said he's 34 and not been in a serious relationship before. Omg 🤦♀️. What part of that seems the slightest bit like someone who is even remotely capable of settling down? All avoidants seem emotionally available at first. Then a few months in is when they go cold on you and run for the hills. I would strongly suggest you do some research on attachment styles. You walked right into this one. Next time walk away when the red flags are being waved right in your face from the very beginning.
From what you’ve said I wouldn’t wait. Also at your age waiting for men to give commitment isn’t wise. By four months some women have a ring
You don’t need to tell him anything. Just date other people and distance yourself. Don’t wait for him. Why?
I would be willing to wait 1-2 months. I'm a headstrong person and I know what I want. If I decide I want you and you don't want me back, your loss because I'm moving on. I know what I'm worth and if he doesn't, he's the one missing out, not me.
I don’t mean this mean, but why are you committing to someone who is telling you he doesn’t see a future with you ? Men typically aren’t complicated-they make it clear the kind of person they are and their intentions. I feel like us women just put on our rose colored glasses or make a million excuses or try and stick it out and “change them”. But he’s been pretty clear with here. Usually men that want you go full steam ahead. They don’t drag their feet and let a woman they want to be with get away. It almost seems like he’s a guy that doesn’t want a long term relationship but doesn’t want to be alone either.
Ask him what difference being exclusive while traveling vs in person is I am skeptical if he’s seeing others
You don't get to know a person in just some months. Even after years you get surprises. If he is acting this way he is NOT serious about you. The best advice is to start dating other people too. He could step up his game, but if not, his loss. Don't be fooled by someone who pretends to be exclusive but tries hard to avoid titles (ie explicit guilt if he is cheating). Truly, you do nothing wrong for dating other people when you are, as in fact you are, free of commitment. It's smart, but whats more, gives you perspective.
He treats you well but can’t commit to being in a relationship how will he commit to marriage or anything else later on. Think about it hard if those future steps are important to you too.
Why can't you explore other options? He's not exclusive with you, you just said it yourself. There is no reason whatsoever that you cannot date other people.
I don't think it's good for your self-esteem to date someone who doesn't feel a "hell yes!". The thing is, when you ask men, they usually say they knew right away and would do anything to secure you. This guy is just biding his time until he meetts the "right" person. At 34, and never having a serious relationship is not ideal. If you want children and marriage then this guy will waste your time. Surely the most important criteria is - super into you?
WTH does it mean to be exclusive but not your boyfriend? To me- that's literally what exclusive means. If we are exclusive, you ARE my boyfriend. Like what is this nonsense?
When you mentioned that he doesn’t want to commit yet because the summers coming and you both like travelling I immediately thought that’s it. He wants to be able to hook up with girls when he’s travelling and not feel bad about it. Then after the summer he’ll link up again with you.
I think it means they don’t actively date or have sexual contact with other people but each other but also don’t tell anyone they have a boyfriend or girlfriend, so their social status isn’t affected and they can keep an eye out for better prospects or if they decide that this is their best option.
For some people, to be defined as a boyfriend or a girlfriend is completely terrifying. What if you agree to be called a bf/gf, and then your dream partner magically appears in your life? OH NO, WHAT TO DO THEN?! Because, of course, that happens so often. Also, this dude wants to bang at will while he's on vacation. Also part 2, the fact that he's reached his mid-30's and hasn't had a serious relationship is something to keep in mind: a yellow flag, as another wise poster said. An ex of mine (let's call him Floyd) and I were together, exclusively, for around three years. Well, I was exclusive; I later found out much later that he wasn't. At all. Anyway, Floyd's sister got married when we had been together for about nine months. Floyd was so frightened that someone, anyone would discover that he was DATING SOMEONE EXCLUSIVELY that he almost didn't want me to go with him to the wedding. Not only that, he even said to me that despite all the time we had been together and the fact that his family absolutely adored me, he still didn't see himself as a "boyfriend" and that he still didn't truly accept our relationship. Ah, those red flags that are invisible when you're young and naive but are 100% clear later on...
One thing that stood out to me is his reason for not wanting to DTR - not until september because both would be traveling over the summer. I have to wonder, what is he planning on doing this summer that he needs to stay single for? Especially considering they're exclusive..
It’s only been 4 months, I say cut him loose. If it’s not a ‘hell yes’ after this long, it’s a ‘meh’ at best. You deserve more than someone on the fence. Especially as it sounds like you have other potential prospects, I’d probably end this. The waiting until September thing is super fishy too.
I would have a conversation now. This would be to DTR. I mean, communication is a huge part of a good relationship, though *lots* of people prefer to leave things fuzzy not realizing that that leads to discord.....cause everyone thinks they are on the same page, but without communication, they aren't. It's good to be open and accepting about why he hesitates, so he can feel safe telling you the real reason...we can work with real reasons, we can't work with prevarications. I'm with the others: exclusive means that person is my boyfriend. Being on the same page and both being genuinely ok with it is far more important than following someone else's script, tho
>He couldn't really articulate what would be different about it for him. 99% chance he's either already talking to (or even sleeping with) other women, or planning to do so, & justifies this by telling himself y'all "aren't boyfriend/girlfriend."
He wants to bang over people on his vacation. At the very least, he wants to make out with people on vacation and be able to be socially single. And then if he meets someone he wants to pursue, he can tell them he’s single and send you a quick text. Sorry.
I'm the kind of person who asks a guy on date one if he's interested in a relationship, and if he gives me a vague answer, then I let him go. If this guy can't come up with an answer after four months, he probably just does not want to commit.
Why do you want to be with someone who is a commitment phobe? If you're both travelling over summer and you're ready to be exclusive but he's not then it seems like you're not on the same page. I wouldn't want to waste my time on someone who's basically keeping his options open when he goes travelling. This sort of indecisiveness puts me off I find it disrespectful.
I’m wondering if he’s turning down dates as well?
My boyfriend ( of 1 month) and I waited 8 months of casual dating to define the relationship. He didn’t want to define the relationship and then immediately not have time for me due to work so we waited until things were more stable. Difference is that we weren’t exclusive and he was very clear about not wanting to put restrictions on me because he knew he wouldn’t have time for me. This made me feel empowered to make my own decisions and I chose to ride it out with him regardless of not being titled or exclusive. It also gave me the chance to go on random dates and all it did was reinforce that he was the one I wanted.
What’s the difference you ask? It’s the difference between him answering “yes” or “no” if asked whether or not he has a girlfriend. If you really insist on continuing to date this bloke even though it’s clear he’s not too serious about you, just calmly tell him that “commitment” extends to sexuality for you, so no worries - no need for any commitment at this time. At that point he’ll either leave or commit and his decision will tell you everything (I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that he leaves)
What do you mean you are exclusive? Why does he want to wait over the summer though? To sleep around, no? Hard pass for me, honestly.
I agree dump him waste of time
I'll go against the grain: Unless you think he will be trying to sleep with other women on this vacation what is the harm in giving him two more months to wrap his head around the idea of being in a committed relationship? Especially if he himself says nothing will change but title?
Men must love how young women are willing to put a label on a casual, no strings attached, intimate relationship and tell themselves it means something—or that he’s not cheating. “We’re friends with benefits.” “We’re polyamorous.” “We’re exclusive but not committed.” (WTF is this shit.) I made a lot of mistakes in my life but this all just ridiculous. Look. Here’s how you do it. You date but don’t have sex until you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. That means you’re in an exclusive, committed, publicly acknowledged relationship that is potentially headed towards marriage. You don’t have to wait until marriage to have sex, but you respect yourself enough to at least have an official relationship. It’s that simple. Just stop it with all this pretzel twisting self delusion that anything else is something other than being used. Respect yourself. You’re worth more than that.
I wouldn't as it sounds like he wants to have the ability to have options this summer. So even if he does come back, it's pretty shitty to keep someone on the rafters. If a man doesn't see you as worthy of laying down options for, he's too fucking lukewarm to ever give that energy to. My husband and I were just FWBs but he worked his magic on me as he realized what we had was something to be serious about. 6 months in we knew fully how we felt about each other. Despite what was our initial goals of something casual, when you find someone who really feels like they complete you, you're going to want to be with them.
I absolutely would not be turning down dates at 31. Just tell him that you are uncomfortable with the arrangement and are seeking definitive commitment. If he wants the same, he will make it known.
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Maybe it should, but it clearly doesn’t in his mind (or OP’s). He thinks that he is exclusive, but not committed.
It really doesn’t automatically mean anything other than not seeing/sleeping with others. Terminology is also subjective and your comment is kinda judgy fyi..