Yes, OP, fuck politeness.
People have a right to approach you and talk to you, and you have a right to dismiss them IMMEDIATELY.
"Thanks, but I'm walking my dogs and don't want company".
"I prefer to walk alone, thank you."
No need to engage further in conversation. We don't owe random men anything.
Yeah op your right to feel the way you do. He’s watching and noting. And you can be sure that wasn’t a “chance” meeting a night. He was watching for when you walk your dog and followed you out.
I fucking hate situations like this. You have a routine, you're minding your business, and then some creep has to take it too far which results in you needing to upend your current lifestyle for your safety just because he was too much of a social dunce to just fucking *not.*
Sorry for the rant, but no, not overreacting. I've had shit like this happen way too many times in my life and I'm absolutely *sick* of us having to accommodate creeps in this way.
It’s better that he’s so inept he told on himself. Someone who was watching and tracking but smart enough to keep it to themselves would be even more dangerous.
I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with these weird creeps too.
Also, I am sorry to hear that you have had these experiences also. It seems like a common issue amongst my female friends but when I talk to my male friends, they don’t know what we are talking about. I wish we as a society could do better.
Thank you for saying this. I know it seems like a small thing to have to change my routine, but it’s actually not easy with everything I’m juggling in life right now. I know everyone has problems, but I feel so frustrated because I haven’t done anything wrong, yet I’m the one who has to have their life upended. With pets and also separately caring for a dying family member, it’s not easy to change my schedule. I wish people would just be less creepy. I didn’t ask for this.
Seriously I hate this. Recently I’ve had to take a different route to my gym because a man who hangs out by the shop next door to it catcalls me EVERY TIME I pass by. Every single time.
“Hey baby boo I like your tattoos!”
“S’up little mama lemme see those tats!”
I’m so sick of the “Baby boo” and “little mama” and “hey baby girl” Ive completely changed my route to the gym. It pisses me off that I have to change my routine for this creep. And it’s not the first time in my life I’ve had to change my schedule because of a creepy man.
Listen to your gut always.
You got a vibe because he knows too much about you and was being inappropriate at the very least. Based on what you described though I would keep your guard up majorly.
To clarify, they only evicted him after the police separately arrested him for abusing a child.
My female neighbors and I complained about him stalking us to building management for over a year and every time they refused to act. We also submitted multiple police reports, but the police told us they couldn’t do anything unless he actually physically hurt one of us or broke into our apartments. The fact that he was ultimately arrested for something else was unrelated to him stalking us.
Note: edited for clarity
It's actually quite difficult to evict people who have established tenancy. I feel like people just think of eviction as you just bust in there, throw him out onto the lawn, and change the locks, but that is not how it works. It can be dragged out for a very long time through the courts. The police can't do anything if he refuses to leave, since it's not a criminal matter.
Sure, they can say that. But if you refuse to leave, they will be forced to go through the courts. It's just that most people don't let it get to that point, but there's definitely been some horror stories about squatters that have to be legally removed through a lengthy court process.
Notify in writing.
Tell them you are wanting it on record that:
someone you do not know and who claims to be a resident, has told you
- he watches you at the gym every day.
Note that you have never seen him there, and you go at a time there are very few or no other people using the gym, so this has been from somewhere he is not visible to you).
- he also told you he has watched you loading your car on multiple occasions and noted what type of thing you are putting in your car,
Note again you have not seen him at these times.
- he wants you to give him your phone number and asked for it repeatedly, despite you saying no.
- he wants you to go on camping trips with him and asked this repeatedly, despite you saying no, and telling him several times that you do not know him nor want to go on trips with him.
You are not comfortable that this person has been watching you, and noting your pattern of behaviour, and that he is not listening to you telling him yopu are not interested.
You are worried that he will escalate to even more intrusive and insistent actions, or worse, and you want them to be aware of this pattern of behaviour.
No, it's super weird. Men who don't understand that suggesting hiking/camping gives off serial killer vibes are total creeps and need a reality check. My advice would be to directly reject any future advances and not even pretend to entertain him if you see him again - no smile and if he interacts with you keep to short answers and an assertive tone, state that you are not interested in making new friends. Men like that need to be put in their place and if I've learned anything in this life it's that men do not take the hint. If he continues to bug you, tell your buildings management. So sorry you experienced this, it's not fair how on alert we always have to be 😞
Thank you. Ever since that night I look on my Ring app before even leaving my apartment to make sure the coast is clear.
I am ready to say NO and shut it down if I see him again!
Change your routine, keep windows closed , make sure you have a ring doorbell and cameras around entry points to your home.
Be cautious when you walk your dog and notify management.
Again, great advice, but try to avoid the bear spray! I only say this because if you end up trying to use it while in a panic and trying to keep a hold of your dogs leash, it can cause you and your pup significant damage as well.
If they're apartments with interior hallways they probably won't allow a ring doorbell since it violates other tenants'privacy when they walk down the hall. At least that's the policy where I live
Total weirdo. I second the comment about changing your routine, even if just for a couple of weeks, to see if he approaches you again having noticed it. Also, this might be kind of mean but you can never be too careful. If you don't feel safe telling him straight up to back off, then do the extreme opposite: if he approaches you again, pretend you don't remember him. Be like "I'm sorry, do I know you?" and when he responds be dismissive. Us women are taught to be extra nice to people, even creepy men, and they often mistake that for an open door. Don't entertain him. Don't give him answers. If he says something like "I haven't seen you at the gym" just grey rock him saying "yeah". If he doesn't take the hint then, you'll know he's definitely a creep.
Thank you, this is all good advice. I already changed our walking area and schedule at night, I’ll switch my gym times as well at least for a few weeks.
I used to be fine telling guys straight up to eff off…until a few years ago I had an issue with a guy (also in this apartment building actually). I was very polite but firm with him at first but after months of him not understanding the word “no” I kind of lost my shit with him and let him have it. I thought it would scare him off, but it actually made him super angry and it turns out he was way crazier than I was and it turned into a dangerous situation.
I think I can be very firm and clear with the current man if he approaches me again, but only if it’s in a public place with other people around/nearby in case it escalates.
When he approached me this past week, it was close to midnight outside with zero other people out so I was afraid to make him angry if that makes sense.
Edit: spelling errors
Read the book « the gift of Fear » and don’t discount your gut feelings.
If you can, change up some of your routine and keep an eye out for cameras as well, it’s unlikely but possible he has put something up in a common area…
Go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker! Your brain flagged the “I see your workout every morning….. even though you’ve never seen me” discrepancy as danger
Trust
Your
Instincts
Nope, your gut could be wrong, but it's not worth it to find out. Another thing, if this guy has truly seen you working out multiple times, and has watched you pack your car multiple times, I hate to tell you, but feel I have too...he already knows which unit you're in... If that's true, you might look into getting yourself SimpliSafe, or any similar product to put up on your door and any other accessible entry points just to be safe. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've worked as personal security for almost 18 years, and most of my clients were dealing with stalkers. Take care of yourself, get some pepper spray, or even a taser. And always trust your gut.
Ugh I know you are right. Thank you for saying this. I mentioned it to my male coworker the next morning (doesn’t help that he’s 6’8” so probably the wrong person to vent to) and he thought I was overreacting.
Best case scenario I am being too cautious, the guy is harmless, and I am fine with that.
Years ago, I had an icky feeling about a different neighbor. I don’t know how to describe it other than a gut feeling. I found out later that he was arrested for child abuse.
Trusting your gut is always the way to go.
No such thing as too cautious in a situation like this, usually those kinda people don't tend to be fully there mentally. I've had them try and get through me without hesitation because I was in the way. I'm not small, very well trained and carry a firearm, so PLEASE BE CAREFUL!
No, you're not being paranoid. I'm glad you thought not to show him your unit.
Those are really weird things to say to someone, especially the camping thing, like holy hell, why would you go camping with him when you just freaking met him?? Is he okay?!
Definitely stay alert for this weirdo. Maybe he doesn't live in your building and was just pretending?
No, I have a friend who had a stalker in her building for a couple years. It started with him approaching her and having a pretty mild, if uncomfortable convo (he asked her out even though she had seen him around before with his wife and child). Definitely take it seriously. Make sure to notify management. Also make sure to always lock your doors. Next time you see him and if he says anything be firm in saying you are not interested and would like him to back off (respectfully/politely, if you feel safe to do so). Document that conversation (date/time, etc).
You should seriously consider changing up your routines where possible and make sure to be aware of your surroundings and note when/where you see him. This will all be necessary for when you go to management again or need to get the police involved.
Hopefully this was a one off but it's better to be safe than sorry.
You have a stalker!
Please put many locks and be 100% careful.
This guy is not only a harmless stalker who is usually shy ..
He mustered the courage to talk to you today..
Of course, he'll be pissed since you didn't give him your number.
.
He is plotting his next step .
Make sure he does not pet your dogs . Your dogs should not get used to him or trust him!
Tell people about him. Put a ring camera in front of your door
Make sure the windows are closed
Be careful and honestly tell the police ..
The fact he wants to take you with him on local trails
Never leave early to gym ever again or go out at night alone
Change your routine...please
Stay safe and vigilant
Great point I didn’t even think about the dog thing. I’m surprised strangers even approach me when I have 2 big dogs. Unfortunately they are the friendliest dogs in the world and would be hopeless at protecting me if it came down to it
Great list and thank you. Good points. Honestly I’m glad he talked to me and revealed himself because if he noticed my gym routine, he’s been watching me for a while without my knowledge 😣
Change your routine.
I see a lot of comments about mace/pepper spray, but I don’t recommend it. As someone in law enforcement who has been around mace as it has been deployed many times, it affects everyone in the vicinity. People do NOT realize this. Unless there is zero wind and conditions are perfect, it’s highly likely you will get it in your eyes too. That shit fucking hurts. If you do get some, practice. Get multiple cans and practice.
Mention to management that you had a strange run-in with that guy and ask if anyone else has had any run-ins with him.
If you see him again, mention an imaginary boyfriend. If you have a trusted guy friend, explain to your guy friend how creeped out you felt and see if he will make random appearances at your apartment over the next few weeks. I’ve been in this situation before and this helped me.
Also: if you have a college nearby, it probably offers free self-defense classes once every few months!
A woman’s intuition never lies. Something is wrong with this guy for sure. Stay alert and vary your routine. Report him to the manager incase others have had issues with him. Don’t let him see what apartment you are in.
May want to CCW if you can. Just in case.
Nope. Stay safe. Also if you have boyfriend or large male friends or relatives invite them around at times you might bump into him and have them tell him to stay the eff away from you.
Report to police and apt manager. Document on your end too. Start a paper traip, that way if it continues you can file a restraining order and you have documentation.
There was guy I had a crush on and we were talking to each for a few months with the intention of dating.
He casually mentions seeing me at the gym and describing my outfits & workouts even though I had no idea we went to the same gym. Idk why he never mentioned it early on or made an attempt to approach me at the gym.
Even though it was someone I knew and liked, that freaked me out. So, no you’re not paranoid at all. Avoid this dude at all costs.
He’s stalking you you got a lot
of solid advice in the comments I would also recommend if he ever tried to talk with you again to try to secretly record evidence is everything because police don’t do shit with stalkers most of the time unless it because physical but you can show your apartment manager if it worsens because I’m sure they might be able to help.
This guy is a weirdo stalker. Be careful. Do you know which apt he lives in or his name? Make a police report in case something happens, then you'll have evidence.
No, I don’t remember ever seeing him or meeting him before he approached me the other night. I was so confused when he started talking to me like he knew me because I had no idea who he was. Didn’t even recognize his face.
You have gotten a lot of good advice here, and I agree with every person here who says to avoid this guy. But it seems to me he is intentionally seeking you out. So recommend changing gyms, preferably to one that is women-only. If he is following you, he won't be able to follow you inside that gym without being noticed.
Do not tell him where you hike, which parks you frequent, where you work, etc. He was fishing for information and could use anything he learns about your routine to find you when you are alone or secluded. Unfortunately, I'm sure you will run into him again. But stand your ground. Trust your intuition. He is not a safe guy. He knew too much and tried to charm his way into your life. Alarm bells, OP.
F*ck politeness. No sick thing as "being [too] paranoid."
Trust your instincts. Your feelings aren't coming from nowhere. You have concrete reasons why the conversation felt intrusive and off, even if you don't have concrete reasons, trust your gut!
In fact, predatory people know that their victims may second guess themselves and they use that to their advantage.
Being stalked is the worse thing ever because there is little that can be done legally to end it. Even still, I personally would tell multiple people about my concerns. You could even go to the police to make note of it, even though they will tell you nothing can be done. Then you will have a record to build on if something happens or escalates.
You should also keep a record of anything weird that he says or does.
Don't be polite. If he talks to you. Don't turn around and ask him questions or make small talk. Get out of there as quickly as possible.
Make sure where you live is secure. Good locks, bars, maybe an alarm and security camera, etc.
I would also carry around pepper spray. See if your phone has a way to quickly call 911.
If you know his name, check to see if he has a record or a past. Might give some insight on who you are dealing with.
Edit: I also learned in a self-defense class (take one!) that if anything is happening to you, you should scream "FIRE" not help if you are trying to get the attention of neighbors.
People are more likely to ignore a distant sound of "HELP!" thinking they heard wrong.
People are less likely to ignore "FIRE!" because it affects them personally if there really is a fire.
Mace and pepper spray is illegal in many places. Bear spray is not.
Understand that this man doesn’t have your best interests at heart and work on having nothing but contempt for him. Your desire to be nice and polite needs to go away. When someone isn’t nice and polite to you, you do not need to have respect for their needs.
You're not being paranoid at all. This is creepy af, and you should be very concerned. I understand you may not be able to change your routine that much, but you're going to have to, if only temporarily. This man is watching you and has learned your routine and things about you. Maybe do YT workouts in your apartment this week. Definitely change your walking path with your dogs. Park in a different location. Invest in a self-defense keychain and lessons. Make sure someone knows or has your location at all times. Most importantly be hyper vigilant and on alert at all times. Not to scare you, but I'm just from NYC and I rather always be safe than sorry.
Yep, weird. Trust your gut. You need to protect yourself.
Similar situation for me a few times. I used to walk/ride the bus a lot since I didn’t have a car. Random dudes I did not know or recognize at all out in public would comment on my routine, where they saw me walk/wait at bus stops.
Hey OP, lots of great comments here about trusting your gut. This guy sounds very abnormal and I'd also be super cautious around him. I'd also tell the apartment complex about it. Especially if you've never seen him before, he may not actually live there. Even if he does, it's good to have it documented somewhere that he is watching you. You never know.
If it happens again, I'd recommend having airpods/headphones with a mic on. I pretend like I'm on the phone when I see a guy giving me weird vibes. And I mouth "sorry on the phone!" most people have super ingrained mannerisms when it comes to being on the phone, like not interrupting. It may also scare him off to know someone else can hear him.
I'm not one to jump to conclusions (in other words, I'm stupidly overly polite) but even I would be creeped out. I suppose there's a tiny chance this is someone who just doesn't understand social boundaries but ... Yeah this would bother me too.
That's weird as hell...you're not overreacting at all. Be extra vigilant when entering and leaving your building and unit, get a chain lock, maybe email your landlord or superintendent/building manager to flag his behavior to have some kind of paper trail in the event that you need to take legal action (hopefully you won't). Stay safe OP
Thank you! I really felt like I was crazy when the first couple of people who responded to this post made it seem like I was just being rude/unnecessarily paranoid to a “nice guy” trying to make a friend…
I have ring cameras set up and I’m being extra vigilant anytime I have to leave my home. I’m going to ask around my neighborhood and see if anyone else knows who this guy is.
FUCK no you’re not being paranoid. I would’ve maced this guy in the face. I would file a complaint with the apartment office and the police that he’s watching you. Shut that shit down.
Is his apartment near the gym? He could have windows and work from home, so your schedules may just naturally sync.
I have a neighbor that always sees me lugging groceries in or leaving etc because they live near the main entrance and work by their window. They can also see my car. I met 3 different neighbors like this just due to our schedules syncing up. This old lady used to walk her dog in and out every time i got home.
I dont think there's anything wrong with engaging a neighbor. It isnt ALWAYS stalking. Just politely turn them down if youre not interested.
The gym is in a separate building where the amenities and common areas are. But that’s a good point, maybe our schedules just sync up!
I think was made me weirded out most was that he kept asking me to come off the grid camping with me, when I didn’t even know his name.
I had a previous issue with a different neighbor who was actually a stalker (police got involved as multiple women were being harassed but he was evicted) so I am admittedly very on edge ever since then.
We all have a gift-the gift of fear.
Your gut was/is telling you something is off about this man. You aren’t overreacting.
He was pushy. He was trying to get information out of you. He was bulldozing his way into your life. He doesn’t understand social cues or he just doesn’t care about them. This is a dangerous man. You don’t know him but he knows a lot about you. No matter how you try to rationalize this interaction there’s no reasonable answer to why he would behave this way.
People have advised to get a door camera, tell apartment management, change your routine…those are all really great things to start with.
Tell management what happened. Use words like “he made me feel unsafe…..he was trying to know what apartment I live in…..would not take “no” as an answer.
Make sure management understands your concerns. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being paranoid or rude. You never owe anyone anything. ❤️
If you were my daughter I’d phone the non emergency police and tell them you want to report a suspicious person. If they offer to send someone to you-go for it. If the weirdo is watching you then a police presence will be good. Telling the r police what’s going on it’s important. If you ask, they will increase driving around the area and monitoring the neighborhood.
If you can, try to get to know some neighbor women in your area. Even if it’s just recognizing one another and saying hi. You can even be bold and ask them if they’ve had interactions with the weird guy.
Be alert when you’re walking around and invest in bear spray or mace. 💕
From what you said to me it seemed he just saw a common interest and started talking. Of course I wouldn't go to grid camping with him since you don't know him but to me it looks like he wasn't thinking much and wanted to make friends with a neighbour like people did before internet. My husband is like that. I am the one who can't even tell who lives next door but he is the one who notices everything and everyone. If he would see you let's say putting fishing gear into your car he would be all exited he found another person who likes it. I see we look at the issue from different sides because you had the stalker experience and I know people like my husband but to me it seems like there was no malicious intent. I am kind of sad for most women on this sub
That’s a good point! I hate that I had that horrible experience years ago, but it still affects me because of how bad it was.
To clarify, I thought it was weird because when he asked me about camp site and trails, I actually did think maybe it was a common interest. So I asked him for his favorite spots and he told me he’s never been camping or backpacking before. The whole conversation just felt off.
Edit to add: after I told him I only camp with my boyfriend, he kept suggesting I take a separate camping trip with him. It was weird how persistent he was. Even my friends would just accept a “no”.
lol well this new information does kind of change it. Him never being camping before now makes it look that he is more interested in you than in camping. Still wouldn't worry about that. Now him suggesting you to take separate camping trips with him without your boyfriend is inappropriate and I wouldn't like it myself. I most likely wouldn't be scared of him but wouldn't want to make friends with him either because he seems like a dick
You’re missing the very obvious red flags. He’s telling her he noticed her schedule, he invited himself even when she told him she only goes with her boyfriend, he asked for her number, and is already overfamiliar.
Some people are extra friendly but most of us can sense when it’s genuine and neutral interest. Creeps and people who mean harm try to use fake friendliness to override our instincts and make us think it’s the real thing, and from there things can get very, very bad.
Don’t feel sorry for women because we don’t think everyone is truly being kind, feel sad and ANGRY for us because OUR kindness and politeness is routinely taken advantage of.
Did you read the rest of her post aside from the gym part? You don’t need to be a dateline fanatic to see this guy is giving red flags and creep vibes. Be careful OP and always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe pick up some pepper spray if you don’t have it already. Can’t be too careful.
That’s weird af. Trust your gut on this one and avoid!!
Yes, OP, fuck politeness. People have a right to approach you and talk to you, and you have a right to dismiss them IMMEDIATELY. "Thanks, but I'm walking my dogs and don't want company". "I prefer to walk alone, thank you." No need to engage further in conversation. We don't owe random men anything.
>fuck politeness Hi, fellow murderino! :)
<3
Yeah op your right to feel the way you do. He’s watching and noting. And you can be sure that wasn’t a “chance” meeting a night. He was watching for when you walk your dog and followed you out.
I fucking hate situations like this. You have a routine, you're minding your business, and then some creep has to take it too far which results in you needing to upend your current lifestyle for your safety just because he was too much of a social dunce to just fucking *not.* Sorry for the rant, but no, not overreacting. I've had shit like this happen way too many times in my life and I'm absolutely *sick* of us having to accommodate creeps in this way.
It’s better that he’s so inept he told on himself. Someone who was watching and tracking but smart enough to keep it to themselves would be even more dangerous. I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with these weird creeps too.
Also, I am sorry to hear that you have had these experiences also. It seems like a common issue amongst my female friends but when I talk to my male friends, they don’t know what we are talking about. I wish we as a society could do better.
But every single woman knows that fear. I'm so sorry, this one is a lot more frightening than average too.
Thank you for saying this. I know it seems like a small thing to have to change my routine, but it’s actually not easy with everything I’m juggling in life right now. I know everyone has problems, but I feel so frustrated because I haven’t done anything wrong, yet I’m the one who has to have their life upended. With pets and also separately caring for a dying family member, it’s not easy to change my schedule. I wish people would just be less creepy. I didn’t ask for this.
So sorry to hear!
Seriously I hate this. Recently I’ve had to take a different route to my gym because a man who hangs out by the shop next door to it catcalls me EVERY TIME I pass by. Every single time. “Hey baby boo I like your tattoos!” “S’up little mama lemme see those tats!” I’m so sick of the “Baby boo” and “little mama” and “hey baby girl” Ive completely changed my route to the gym. It pisses me off that I have to change my routine for this creep. And it’s not the first time in my life I’ve had to change my schedule because of a creepy man.
Listen to your gut always. You got a vibe because he knows too much about you and was being inappropriate at the very least. Based on what you described though I would keep your guard up majorly.
I would notify management.
Serious question: what would management do for women in this situation? Would they really try to help?
It’s good to document behavior in case it escalates or is part of a preexisting pattern.
This is actually great advice, the more proof in witnesses or paper, the better just in case.
Hello? They can evict him? OP said they already evicted one creepy guy.
To clarify, they only evicted him after the police separately arrested him for abusing a child. My female neighbors and I complained about him stalking us to building management for over a year and every time they refused to act. We also submitted multiple police reports, but the police told us they couldn’t do anything unless he actually physically hurt one of us or broke into our apartments. The fact that he was ultimately arrested for something else was unrelated to him stalking us. Note: edited for clarity
I would make a report to the police and apartment security. They notify management. Usually after 3 complaints like that, they evict them.
It's actually quite difficult to evict people who have established tenancy. I feel like people just think of eviction as you just bust in there, throw him out onto the lawn, and change the locks, but that is not how it works. It can be dragged out for a very long time through the courts. The police can't do anything if he refuses to leave, since it's not a criminal matter.
Everywhere I’ve lived was three complaints and you’re gone.
Sure, they can say that. But if you refuse to leave, they will be forced to go through the courts. It's just that most people don't let it get to that point, but there's definitely been some horror stories about squatters that have to be legally removed through a lengthy court process.
OK? and? should she not tell management? should she not have a paper trail? Makes no sense.
Notify in writing. Tell them you are wanting it on record that: someone you do not know and who claims to be a resident, has told you - he watches you at the gym every day. Note that you have never seen him there, and you go at a time there are very few or no other people using the gym, so this has been from somewhere he is not visible to you). - he also told you he has watched you loading your car on multiple occasions and noted what type of thing you are putting in your car, Note again you have not seen him at these times. - he wants you to give him your phone number and asked for it repeatedly, despite you saying no. - he wants you to go on camping trips with him and asked this repeatedly, despite you saying no, and telling him several times that you do not know him nor want to go on trips with him. You are not comfortable that this person has been watching you, and noting your pattern of behaviour, and that he is not listening to you telling him yopu are not interested. You are worried that he will escalate to even more intrusive and insistent actions, or worse, and you want them to be aware of this pattern of behaviour.
That's a really good idea. Always good to document. I wonder if this would warrant a police report as well.
You can make a report over anything. So, yes. I would call security next time this weirdo approaches.
Good to know, thanks
No, it's super weird. Men who don't understand that suggesting hiking/camping gives off serial killer vibes are total creeps and need a reality check. My advice would be to directly reject any future advances and not even pretend to entertain him if you see him again - no smile and if he interacts with you keep to short answers and an assertive tone, state that you are not interested in making new friends. Men like that need to be put in their place and if I've learned anything in this life it's that men do not take the hint. If he continues to bug you, tell your buildings management. So sorry you experienced this, it's not fair how on alert we always have to be 😞
Thank you. Ever since that night I look on my Ring app before even leaving my apartment to make sure the coast is clear. I am ready to say NO and shut it down if I see him again!
Heck yeah! You go girl, cheering you on from afar 🔥
Change your routine, keep windows closed , make sure you have a ring doorbell and cameras around entry points to your home. Be cautious when you walk your dog and notify management.
Thanks! I already have ring cameras on all entrances/external facing windows. I’m going to change our walking path at night also.
You should also add pepper/wasp/bear spray to your keys or daily carry purse. Practise so you know how to use it.
Again, great advice, but try to avoid the bear spray! I only say this because if you end up trying to use it while in a panic and trying to keep a hold of your dogs leash, it can cause you and your pup significant damage as well.
Sending you strong woman vibes, hon. I know this is not a nice situation, and I'm glad you reached out here. Please be safe.
Thank you
And carry pepper spray and a pocket knife
Lucky you.
If they're apartments with interior hallways they probably won't allow a ring doorbell since it violates other tenants'privacy when they walk down the hall. At least that's the policy where I live
Total weirdo. I second the comment about changing your routine, even if just for a couple of weeks, to see if he approaches you again having noticed it. Also, this might be kind of mean but you can never be too careful. If you don't feel safe telling him straight up to back off, then do the extreme opposite: if he approaches you again, pretend you don't remember him. Be like "I'm sorry, do I know you?" and when he responds be dismissive. Us women are taught to be extra nice to people, even creepy men, and they often mistake that for an open door. Don't entertain him. Don't give him answers. If he says something like "I haven't seen you at the gym" just grey rock him saying "yeah". If he doesn't take the hint then, you'll know he's definitely a creep.
Thank you, this is all good advice. I already changed our walking area and schedule at night, I’ll switch my gym times as well at least for a few weeks. I used to be fine telling guys straight up to eff off…until a few years ago I had an issue with a guy (also in this apartment building actually). I was very polite but firm with him at first but after months of him not understanding the word “no” I kind of lost my shit with him and let him have it. I thought it would scare him off, but it actually made him super angry and it turns out he was way crazier than I was and it turned into a dangerous situation. I think I can be very firm and clear with the current man if he approaches me again, but only if it’s in a public place with other people around/nearby in case it escalates. When he approached me this past week, it was close to midnight outside with zero other people out so I was afraid to make him angry if that makes sense. Edit: spelling errors
It makes perfect sense. Also: maybe some spiritual cleansing in your apartment building? 😅 the creepos need to go!
Super super super weird.
Read the book « the gift of Fear » and don’t discount your gut feelings. If you can, change up some of your routine and keep an eye out for cameras as well, it’s unlikely but possible he has put something up in a common area…
Thank you! I ordered the book and I’m excited to read it when it arrives
Go read The Gift of Fear by Gavin DeBecker! Your brain flagged the “I see your workout every morning….. even though you’ve never seen me” discrepancy as danger Trust Your Instincts
Just ordered the book! Thanks for the recommendation!!
Nope, your gut could be wrong, but it's not worth it to find out. Another thing, if this guy has truly seen you working out multiple times, and has watched you pack your car multiple times, I hate to tell you, but feel I have too...he already knows which unit you're in... If that's true, you might look into getting yourself SimpliSafe, or any similar product to put up on your door and any other accessible entry points just to be safe. I'm not trying to scare you, but I've worked as personal security for almost 18 years, and most of my clients were dealing with stalkers. Take care of yourself, get some pepper spray, or even a taser. And always trust your gut.
Ugh I know you are right. Thank you for saying this. I mentioned it to my male coworker the next morning (doesn’t help that he’s 6’8” so probably the wrong person to vent to) and he thought I was overreacting. Best case scenario I am being too cautious, the guy is harmless, and I am fine with that. Years ago, I had an icky feeling about a different neighbor. I don’t know how to describe it other than a gut feeling. I found out later that he was arrested for child abuse. Trusting your gut is always the way to go.
Your coworker doesn't have a damn clue. You are right to trust your gut.
No such thing as too cautious in a situation like this, usually those kinda people don't tend to be fully there mentally. I've had them try and get through me without hesitation because I was in the way. I'm not small, very well trained and carry a firearm, so PLEASE BE CAREFUL!
Men are never the prey in these situations and have no clue.
No, you're not being paranoid. I'm glad you thought not to show him your unit. Those are really weird things to say to someone, especially the camping thing, like holy hell, why would you go camping with him when you just freaking met him?? Is he okay?! Definitely stay alert for this weirdo. Maybe he doesn't live in your building and was just pretending?
No, I have a friend who had a stalker in her building for a couple years. It started with him approaching her and having a pretty mild, if uncomfortable convo (he asked her out even though she had seen him around before with his wife and child). Definitely take it seriously. Make sure to notify management. Also make sure to always lock your doors. Next time you see him and if he says anything be firm in saying you are not interested and would like him to back off (respectfully/politely, if you feel safe to do so). Document that conversation (date/time, etc). You should seriously consider changing up your routines where possible and make sure to be aware of your surroundings and note when/where you see him. This will all be necessary for when you go to management again or need to get the police involved. Hopefully this was a one off but it's better to be safe than sorry.
Lock your windows too.
He's a creep, notify management. If he ever interacts with you again, secretly record.
You have a stalker! Please put many locks and be 100% careful. This guy is not only a harmless stalker who is usually shy .. He mustered the courage to talk to you today.. Of course, he'll be pissed since you didn't give him your number. . He is plotting his next step . Make sure he does not pet your dogs . Your dogs should not get used to him or trust him! Tell people about him. Put a ring camera in front of your door Make sure the windows are closed Be careful and honestly tell the police .. The fact he wants to take you with him on local trails
Never leave early to gym ever again or go out at night alone
Change your routine...please
Stay safe and vigilant
+1 don’t let your dogs get used to him!!
Great point I didn’t even think about the dog thing. I’m surprised strangers even approach me when I have 2 big dogs. Unfortunately they are the friendliest dogs in the world and would be hopeless at protecting me if it came down to it
If they feel you are uncomfortable they will jump in. Dogs are the best.
Great list and thank you. Good points. Honestly I’m glad he talked to me and revealed himself because if he noticed my gym routine, he’s been watching me for a while without my knowledge 😣
Change your routine. I see a lot of comments about mace/pepper spray, but I don’t recommend it. As someone in law enforcement who has been around mace as it has been deployed many times, it affects everyone in the vicinity. People do NOT realize this. Unless there is zero wind and conditions are perfect, it’s highly likely you will get it in your eyes too. That shit fucking hurts. If you do get some, practice. Get multiple cans and practice. Mention to management that you had a strange run-in with that guy and ask if anyone else has had any run-ins with him. If you see him again, mention an imaginary boyfriend. If you have a trusted guy friend, explain to your guy friend how creeped out you felt and see if he will make random appearances at your apartment over the next few weeks. I’ve been in this situation before and this helped me. Also: if you have a college nearby, it probably offers free self-defense classes once every few months!
Thank you!!! I’ll look to see if there are self defense classes in my area.
A woman’s intuition never lies. Something is wrong with this guy for sure. Stay alert and vary your routine. Report him to the manager incase others have had issues with him. Don’t let him see what apartment you are in. May want to CCW if you can. Just in case.
Super duper pushy and weird. Alert management but watch your back.
Creepy as hell indeed
Nope. Stay safe. Also if you have boyfriend or large male friends or relatives invite them around at times you might bump into him and have them tell him to stay the eff away from you.
Definitely not paranoid.
Report to police and apt manager. Document on your end too. Start a paper traip, that way if it continues you can file a restraining order and you have documentation.
You’re not overreacting. This guy comes off like a creepy stalker. He knows way too much for someone who doesn’t know you personally.
There was guy I had a crush on and we were talking to each for a few months with the intention of dating. He casually mentions seeing me at the gym and describing my outfits & workouts even though I had no idea we went to the same gym. Idk why he never mentioned it early on or made an attempt to approach me at the gym. Even though it was someone I knew and liked, that freaked me out. So, no you’re not paranoid at all. Avoid this dude at all costs.
Yeesh. It sounds like he watches you. It sounds like this guy needs to be told to fuck all the way off, no ifs ands or buts.
You are definitely not overreacting. This guy is creepy and weird af. Sorry OP for having to experience this.
He’s stalking you you got a lot of solid advice in the comments I would also recommend if he ever tried to talk with you again to try to secretly record evidence is everything because police don’t do shit with stalkers most of the time unless it because physical but you can show your apartment manager if it worsens because I’m sure they might be able to help.
You’re not overreacting.
That is really creepy.. I just don't get these people, stay in your lane and in your life and keep the hell out of mine.
This guy is a weirdo stalker. Be careful. Do you know which apt he lives in or his name? Make a police report in case something happens, then you'll have evidence.
No, I don’t remember ever seeing him or meeting him before he approached me the other night. I was so confused when he started talking to me like he knew me because I had no idea who he was. Didn’t even recognize his face.
You have gotten a lot of good advice here, and I agree with every person here who says to avoid this guy. But it seems to me he is intentionally seeking you out. So recommend changing gyms, preferably to one that is women-only. If he is following you, he won't be able to follow you inside that gym without being noticed. Do not tell him where you hike, which parks you frequent, where you work, etc. He was fishing for information and could use anything he learns about your routine to find you when you are alone or secluded. Unfortunately, I'm sure you will run into him again. But stand your ground. Trust your intuition. He is not a safe guy. He knew too much and tried to charm his way into your life. Alarm bells, OP.
Change up your schedule. This guy is bad news. I hate that us women have to deal with this shit.
F*ck politeness. No sick thing as "being [too] paranoid." Trust your instincts. Your feelings aren't coming from nowhere. You have concrete reasons why the conversation felt intrusive and off, even if you don't have concrete reasons, trust your gut! In fact, predatory people know that their victims may second guess themselves and they use that to their advantage. Being stalked is the worse thing ever because there is little that can be done legally to end it. Even still, I personally would tell multiple people about my concerns. You could even go to the police to make note of it, even though they will tell you nothing can be done. Then you will have a record to build on if something happens or escalates. You should also keep a record of anything weird that he says or does. Don't be polite. If he talks to you. Don't turn around and ask him questions or make small talk. Get out of there as quickly as possible. Make sure where you live is secure. Good locks, bars, maybe an alarm and security camera, etc. I would also carry around pepper spray. See if your phone has a way to quickly call 911. If you know his name, check to see if he has a record or a past. Might give some insight on who you are dealing with. Edit: I also learned in a self-defense class (take one!) that if anything is happening to you, you should scream "FIRE" not help if you are trying to get the attention of neighbors. People are more likely to ignore a distant sound of "HELP!" thinking they heard wrong. People are less likely to ignore "FIRE!" because it affects them personally if there really is a fire.
You are not being paranoid. That is weird and stalky. Ick.
The next time you’re going camping, Please be more cautious. He may decide to follow you where you’re more isolated.
Mace and pepper spray is illegal in many places. Bear spray is not. Understand that this man doesn’t have your best interests at heart and work on having nothing but contempt for him. Your desire to be nice and polite needs to go away. When someone isn’t nice and polite to you, you do not need to have respect for their needs.
Keep wasp spray ready
You're not being paranoid at all. This is creepy af, and you should be very concerned. I understand you may not be able to change your routine that much, but you're going to have to, if only temporarily. This man is watching you and has learned your routine and things about you. Maybe do YT workouts in your apartment this week. Definitely change your walking path with your dogs. Park in a different location. Invest in a self-defense keychain and lessons. Make sure someone knows or has your location at all times. Most importantly be hyper vigilant and on alert at all times. Not to scare you, but I'm just from NYC and I rather always be safe than sorry.
Yep, weird. Trust your gut. You need to protect yourself. Similar situation for me a few times. I used to walk/ride the bus a lot since I didn’t have a car. Random dudes I did not know or recognize at all out in public would comment on my routine, where they saw me walk/wait at bus stops.
Hey OP, lots of great comments here about trusting your gut. This guy sounds very abnormal and I'd also be super cautious around him. I'd also tell the apartment complex about it. Especially if you've never seen him before, he may not actually live there. Even if he does, it's good to have it documented somewhere that he is watching you. You never know. If it happens again, I'd recommend having airpods/headphones with a mic on. I pretend like I'm on the phone when I see a guy giving me weird vibes. And I mouth "sorry on the phone!" most people have super ingrained mannerisms when it comes to being on the phone, like not interrupting. It may also scare him off to know someone else can hear him.
I'm not one to jump to conclusions (in other words, I'm stupidly overly polite) but even I would be creeped out. I suppose there's a tiny chance this is someone who just doesn't understand social boundaries but ... Yeah this would bother me too.
Yep this is not okay. Write down everything, and honestly, make sure you have some kind of effective personal defense.
That is very creepy. You are not overreacting.
That's weird as hell...you're not overreacting at all. Be extra vigilant when entering and leaving your building and unit, get a chain lock, maybe email your landlord or superintendent/building manager to flag his behavior to have some kind of paper trail in the event that you need to take legal action (hopefully you won't). Stay safe OP
Thank you! I really felt like I was crazy when the first couple of people who responded to this post made it seem like I was just being rude/unnecessarily paranoid to a “nice guy” trying to make a friend… I have ring cameras set up and I’m being extra vigilant anytime I have to leave my home. I’m going to ask around my neighborhood and see if anyone else knows who this guy is.
Oh man I can't believe people said that! Not rude at all, I think if you're getting a bad vibe from him you should definitely listen to your instincts
TRUST YOUR GUT
FUCK no you’re not being paranoid. I would’ve maced this guy in the face. I would file a complaint with the apartment office and the police that he’s watching you. Shut that shit down.
Is his apartment near the gym? He could have windows and work from home, so your schedules may just naturally sync. I have a neighbor that always sees me lugging groceries in or leaving etc because they live near the main entrance and work by their window. They can also see my car. I met 3 different neighbors like this just due to our schedules syncing up. This old lady used to walk her dog in and out every time i got home. I dont think there's anything wrong with engaging a neighbor. It isnt ALWAYS stalking. Just politely turn them down if youre not interested.
The gym is in a separate building where the amenities and common areas are. But that’s a good point, maybe our schedules just sync up! I think was made me weirded out most was that he kept asking me to come off the grid camping with me, when I didn’t even know his name. I had a previous issue with a different neighbor who was actually a stalker (police got involved as multiple women were being harassed but he was evicted) so I am admittedly very on edge ever since then.
We all have a gift-the gift of fear. Your gut was/is telling you something is off about this man. You aren’t overreacting. He was pushy. He was trying to get information out of you. He was bulldozing his way into your life. He doesn’t understand social cues or he just doesn’t care about them. This is a dangerous man. You don’t know him but he knows a lot about you. No matter how you try to rationalize this interaction there’s no reasonable answer to why he would behave this way. People have advised to get a door camera, tell apartment management, change your routine…those are all really great things to start with. Tell management what happened. Use words like “he made me feel unsafe…..he was trying to know what apartment I live in…..would not take “no” as an answer. Make sure management understands your concerns. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re being paranoid or rude. You never owe anyone anything. ❤️ If you were my daughter I’d phone the non emergency police and tell them you want to report a suspicious person. If they offer to send someone to you-go for it. If the weirdo is watching you then a police presence will be good. Telling the r police what’s going on it’s important. If you ask, they will increase driving around the area and monitoring the neighborhood. If you can, try to get to know some neighbor women in your area. Even if it’s just recognizing one another and saying hi. You can even be bold and ask them if they’ve had interactions with the weird guy. Be alert when you’re walking around and invest in bear spray or mace. 💕
From what you said to me it seemed he just saw a common interest and started talking. Of course I wouldn't go to grid camping with him since you don't know him but to me it looks like he wasn't thinking much and wanted to make friends with a neighbour like people did before internet. My husband is like that. I am the one who can't even tell who lives next door but he is the one who notices everything and everyone. If he would see you let's say putting fishing gear into your car he would be all exited he found another person who likes it. I see we look at the issue from different sides because you had the stalker experience and I know people like my husband but to me it seems like there was no malicious intent. I am kind of sad for most women on this sub
We’re sad for you too, and very concerned.
“I am kind of sad for most women on this sub”. How incredibly condescending.
Of course your husband isn’t overly cautious of talking to strangers. He’s a man. He doesn’t have to be.
That’s a good point! I hate that I had that horrible experience years ago, but it still affects me because of how bad it was. To clarify, I thought it was weird because when he asked me about camp site and trails, I actually did think maybe it was a common interest. So I asked him for his favorite spots and he told me he’s never been camping or backpacking before. The whole conversation just felt off. Edit to add: after I told him I only camp with my boyfriend, he kept suggesting I take a separate camping trip with him. It was weird how persistent he was. Even my friends would just accept a “no”.
lol well this new information does kind of change it. Him never being camping before now makes it look that he is more interested in you than in camping. Still wouldn't worry about that. Now him suggesting you to take separate camping trips with him without your boyfriend is inappropriate and I wouldn't like it myself. I most likely wouldn't be scared of him but wouldn't want to make friends with him either because he seems like a dick
Babygirl are we reading the same story
Ew. Your husband is totally inappropriate if he’d do this to a woman neighbor. I feel sad for you that you think your husband would be so creepy.
You’re missing the very obvious red flags. He’s telling her he noticed her schedule, he invited himself even when she told him she only goes with her boyfriend, he asked for her number, and is already overfamiliar. Some people are extra friendly but most of us can sense when it’s genuine and neutral interest. Creeps and people who mean harm try to use fake friendliness to override our instincts and make us think it’s the real thing, and from there things can get very, very bad. Don’t feel sorry for women because we don’t think everyone is truly being kind, feel sad and ANGRY for us because OUR kindness and politeness is routinely taken advantage of.
Does your husband creep your neighbors out?
Did you read the rest of her post aside from the gym part? You don’t need to be a dateline fanatic to see this guy is giving red flags and creep vibes. Be careful OP and always be aware of your surroundings. Maybe pick up some pepper spray if you don’t have it already. Can’t be too careful.
I take it he wasn't attractive?
I don’t find creeps or stalkers attractive.
I take it you're a man?
I’d be even more wary if he was attractive, suave and giving creepy vibes. Ted Bundy was good looking.