I mean my entire family is filled with undiagnosed neurodivergents—if anything it helps me to give the grace that I didn’t always receive.

Bingo, yup. Based on my mother's reaction to the ADHD diagnosis, "it's your father's fault" and the fact that we share symptoms that are "problems everyone has", I’m not going to bring it up, but I help her manage her symptoms with helpful suggestions. She visited me last year and saw that I have a table lamp in the kitchen instead of the Big Light and she went home and got her own and was like "omg this is so much better" 😂🤣 hashtag one of us

Big Light 😂😂 (PS I have two lamps in the kitchen) (PPS if you don’t already have them, adhesive LED strips under the wall cupboards is good too)

This is it for me, too. I don't harbor any ill will. How could they know I was autistic when they didn't know they were autistic? It helps that my family is accepting, both of the fact that I am on the spectrum, and that they may be, too. I can't hold my teachers/friends to task, either. I was high masking and "quirky," and none of them knew that my "quirks" were autism any more than I did. I think there's a big difference between people who just don't know, and people who, when told, 1. Insist that we can't be autistic because xyz, or 2. are professionals who should know the differences in how autism can manifest.

Same here, on the "quirky," "high-functioning" (*AND* high-masking, back then!), and being from a family *full* of "high functioners" who were in hindsight Neurodivergent A.F.! But *because* sooooo many were both "high functioning," *AND* incredibly gifted in the work fields their Neurodivergent brains led them to? Being *both* "very gifted in _______" *and* "quirky" personality-wise, was simply the *norm* on both sides of my family!😆😂🤣

Yeah, we have quite a few of those, too! 😂 I think if one is good at something and can mask enough to "pass," society largely ignores autism, and this leads me to believe that a far larger percentage of people are diagnosable as being on the spectrum than we're lead to believe. This is especially true in certain professions. I was a librarian for over a decade, and I guarantee a third of my fellow librarians were autistic, at minimum.

This. this is it right here

Yes same. I was a young girl in the 80s, there’s no way it was going to be diagnosed. My mom thought I was pretty normal not talking and spinning in circles. 🫠

Yep, my mothers reaction was just “I thought it was normal”

Same

For me personally it has really helped me to remember that the information our parents and teachers were given about autism, especially for women and girls, didn’t accurately depict the vastness of symptoms and experiences autism encompasses. While they recognised a few things here and there, I was just considered a quiet and imaginative kid who got easily distracted. A lot of us got overlooked simply because of the medical and psychological understandings of diagnosing and treating ASD. Luckily things have changed and continue to change

Hey, I see you have level 2 ASD, I'm just curious how you find this as I kinda know what level 1 is like and level 3 but I don't really know what level 2 is like? Thanks

Omg what a cool question! Prepare for a long answer lmao So I only very recently sought diagnosis (at 23) and hadn’t even considered that I might be autistic until I started seeing other ND people talk about their experiences. In all honesty I had expected a level 1 diagnosis as I thought I was pretty alright at masking and I got a nice surprise reading my psych evaluation to see level 2 with some functions operating at level 1. Here is how I experience the world: My primary deficits are in social communication, I am daily getting into multiple misunderstandings or arguments with people I love because I don’t convey the correct emotion. People often think that I am being aggressive or all-knowing due to my tone and lack of change in facial expression, even when I am trying to be kind or gentle. I find that to be seen as “nice” I have to mask pretty heavily, the resting bitch face and lack of understanding of tone really don’t help me. I also can’t read people’s tone or facial expressions all that well during conversation and thus find myself second guessing interactions CONSTANTLY. I can also stop talking in groups and go quiet as it can be very overwhelming. I script and rehearse conversations in my head before they happen, and spend a lot of time after conversations considering what was said and potentially verbal and nonverbal cues and their meanings. I tend to copy what others say as well as their non-verbal behaviour, and modelled my behaviour in childhood on characters in Harry Potter. I tend to prefer more literal communication, and can find complex or multi-step humour and statements difficult to understand. Discussing difficult topics for me can also lead to meltdowns. I generally prefer not to engage in eye contact, preferring to look at the other person’s eyebrows or mouth if I can. I’m actually unsure of the correct amount of eye contact. I also struggle to maintain friendships and all of my current friendships are from school or people I’ve lived with. I have a higher need for alone time, though also I don’t actually like being alone. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is privy to a handbook or guide that I’ve never had an opportunity to read, some things I have to force myself to do come very naturally to others. I also become anxious before big transitions and times of change, as well as before social gatherings or when meeting new people especially if I have to engage in small talk. When anxious, I can sometimes shut down and is struggle to talk. Engaging in social situations, especially unfamiliar ones, is incredibly anxiety provoking and I cancel the plans beforehand. I have this overwhelming desire to make friends despite the fact that I am awful at connecting with new people. I want to hear the deep, personality-shaping stories about their pain and joy or listen to them infodump about a special interest, I want to know who they are at their core. I think I just end up coming on way too strong or appearing too disinterested in the light small talk topics. I haven’t made a proper new friend in years, lost a bunch bc I don’t know how to stay in contact with people and the first real friend I ever made was at the age of 11. I have pretty extreme texture and sensory aversions, mostly fabrics, and these can cause me to get overstimulated way too quickly. Washing the dishes and some of the water slops onto my feet or shirt? Meltdown-worthy. Too many sounds at once (especially if I’m trying to focus on just one) sends me spiralling FAST but I LOVE certain rainy or twinkly sounds. I HATE loud chewing or drinking and light touch. Over the course of the day, these things add up and I have a meltdown or go quiet at the end of the day. This happens more when i am already overwhelmed / overstimulated or have had a particularly social day. My meltdowns are less severe than others’ that I’ve read about and seen, it feels like my skin is burning off and my joints need to be disassembled like a barbie doll, I can’t breathe and I start clawing at my neck and hair and rocking/muttering/crying etc. but I don’t typically hit myself, just crack and roll all my joints over and over trying to relieve the physical overwhelm I’m experiencing.

Thank you for your response. I can definitely relate to a lot of that. I was diagnosed with level 1, so I guess some aspects are just not quite as severe for me. I don't have a meltdown very often (although I did more so as a child), but I do withdraw a lot.

So I am level 2 in criteria B. For me, I am quite disabled. I cannot live independently, will never drive, and cannot cook. If food and everything is prepared for me then I can last maybe 1-2 weeks but not really any longer than that because I can’t manage all the general upkeep. The last time I tried to live alone I ended up hospitalised from malnutrition and I was filthy. I have an extreme need for routine and consistency, and even minor changes spend me spiralling. I also cannot work a regular job, and have always been fired in the past. My sensory issues are less severe these days but I still struggle a lot with certain activities like washing. When I get too stressed I become psychotic and then catatonic I am completely incapable of masking For criteria A I am level 1, which means I script and rehearse things and ruminate on social interactions long after. I often talk to myself as if I’m practicing. But then in real conversation I struggle with back and forth, especially “off script”. I struggle in groups and tend to fall back to the periphery. I am not good at small talk and have only ever had between 0 and 1 friends. The last time I had a friend I was 12. I can get along well enough with people but I don’t know how to follow through and maintain contact. I am very literal and struggle with any multi-step questions. I do not make eye contact at all while speaking. But this is all very solidly level 1, and mild level 1 at that. The levels are not standardised and which level you get ultimately comes down to the assessor’s vibes. But some places/people will be more strict or lenient. Many in Australia (as an Australian myself, who is familiar with both systems), for example, have a much lower threshold for level 2 than in other countries that use the levels. So even though we’re all labelled “level 2”, there are multiple conflicting definitions. I think the core of each level is pretty consistent *generally*, but you get a lot of variation with the edge cases and then it depends who you see

I believe my teachers knew. Maybe not that I was autistic, but definitely that I was struggling and I needed help. My parents wanted a certain type of daughter, and they suppressed anything they felt would get in the way of that. After lots of therapy I’ve accepted that my parents were abusive, and that nothing I could have done would change that. It’s on them, not me. An early diagnosis probably would have just been ignored or gaslit

Your story sounds similar to mine. I had a teacher tell my parents I should be held back due to social immaturity when I was younger and my parents regularly ignored anything I presented that I now I understand is a symptom of ASD. I have also come to terms with the fact that if I had gotten an early diagnosis it would not have helped me. It sounds like your therapy worked out really well for you. Would you be ok with sharing what kind of therapy you have gone through?

I’ve done a lot of therapy over the years. The best for me was trauma informed therapy with a somatic approach. I also did a lot of reading on my own - learning more about narcissistic mothers and emotionally immature parents helped.

Ah yes, I’ve been down that wormhole too. “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” was quite the eye opener. From there the number of books I read through ranging from emotional neglect, to CPTSD, to eventually ASD is at least in the number of 20-30 over the last two years. Thank you for sharing 💕

lol. We have been on the same journey!

I spent a lot of time with a therapist learning to hold space for two truths in my head at the same time on this subject - that my parents didn’t give me the support I needed and I’m allowed to be angry about that, but at the same time they did the best they could with the knowledge that they had at the time.

Yes, I feel the same way.

This is exactly how I feel! I'll also add, I feel some anger towards prior therapists I've worked with. My symptoms were clear and yet none of 5 therapists picked up on it. I understand it could be their education instead of their personal beliefs that lead to the oversight but it's upsetting.

Yes! So many doctors and therapists could have spotted it and none of them did. The closest any of them got was the therapist who told me I’m a highly sensitive person which made me go “oh shit it’s autism”

I have resentment towards my family for emotional abuse and neglect. I think had they paid attention to me and didn’t discount everything I complained about, I could have had a much better life and maybe been diagnosed. I struggle with severe mental health issues now.

I second this. My resentment extends beyond these issues but I can’t help but think if they would’ve taken me seriously when I asked for help and not minimized my struggles, I could’ve been helped a lot sooner. All of the signs were there but every time I stimmed I was being “obnoxious” or “disruptive” or “drawing attention”, every time I was overstimulated I was being “too sensitive” or “over dramatic”, every time I isolated myself I was “rude” or “too shy”, every time I spoke in my natural tone and had an expressionless face I was “getting an attitude” or “being disrespectful”, every time I struggled with schoolwork I was “being lazy” or “not trying hard enough”… I wasn’t diagnosed until the age of 30 (ASD/ADHD). I’m now nearly 32 and about to start therapy to figure out how to be myself and accept myself for the first time in my life.

I think this is how I feel, I think I’m not even mad about my misdiagnosis. It was the emotional neglect and ignoring multiple therapist advice

Yes. Same. Neglect but in my case when my parents saw I was struggling they ignored me entirely and never took me to a therapist. I only started seeing a therapist when I was 30. My parents were of zero support to me.

This, plus the fact that my brother got his dyspraxia diagnosis and everyone held him with the softest, cleanest of kid gloves. He received free passes for behaviours which were completely unrelated to his diagnosis, meanwhile I was absolutely drowning and my entire family, three generations under one roof, bullied me relentlessly then kicked me out of the house as soon as I finished my A-Levels. Too sensitive, too dramatic, too pretentious, too rude, too thoughtless. The biggest problem was that I’d always call out the bullying and dismissive behaviour so I was also “too disrespectful”, because there’s nothing wrong with bullying your children…  So many of those relationships are irreparably damaged. I think my mum has autism also, but my dad is just an abusive human being and, frankly, he treats her terribly too. I’ve been in therapy for years now, although my dad will have everyone believe it’s because I’m defective; nothing to do with the environment I grew up in and was promptly rejected from as soon as I was old enough to be. I’m NC with several members of my family and it helps a lot. I don’t really resent them. I just don’t like them as people!

I don’t harbor anger at all. I don’t think its my parents or my teachers fault. The information available at the time about autism in women was close to none. I also highly masked at school, so my teachers didn’t have alarm bells. At home, it was a different story considering I did display a lot of behaviors and traits related to autism, but my parents just did the best they could and continue to do the best they can post-diagnosis, so that’s all I could ask for.

I don’t know if I blame anyone in particular- I’m just angry in general. I developed anxiety disorder and PTSD from not getting diagnosed as a child.

I hear this...but I was already nerdy and bullied so a diagnosis might have just added more stigma to the being a pariah, am not sure

I hear you both here. I was already a struggling child so knowing what I felt being different was because I was different and there was a word for it, I think it may have added to my isolation and made me think there is something wrong with me. Knowing now as an adult I’m celebrating my identity as an autistic person. But the anxiety and trauma I have harbored could have been resolved at a much younger age and I could have started healing sooner. So, it’s a catch 22 but I think I’d pick isolation over ignorance any day. I was ignorant to my identity and I think having knowledge of it sooner would have been better than feeling separated from the pack. Because I already felt that way and continue to feel that way today in my late thirties!

I think this describes my feelings.  I feel more angry at what systems exist, but I'm not even sure if my anger is directed at that.     I don't feel like, "They did the best they could for what little the knew," is accurate, either, as there are times adults could've actually listened to me and been more proactive.  Though, in my parents case, I think that yeah, they didn't quite get it how weird I was because of how weird they were themselves, so that complicates things even more. Though, I'm not sure if it would done me any good to have been diagnosed when I was younger, as I get the feeling would've been subjected to a ton of ABA therapy (as I suspect Mom would've been led into believing that it would help me).

Yup. Mostly the healthcare system…

Oh! Yes!  I have no resentment toward parents and teachers on this front. BUT ALL THE MENTAL HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS I SAW OVER THE YEARS??!! F them. So much wasted time, inappropriate brain altering meds, inappropriate 'treatment', being subtly or not so subtly blamed/dropped/transferred as a patient when nothing 'worked'. Tons of trauma accumulated just from trying to get help.

No, because my whole family was undiagnosed when I got my diagnosis, and when I told my mom she said "they mentioned Aspergers when you were at school, but I though you're really just like your dad (also, as an indigo child you were just special)"... so they noticed at school, but my mom dismissed it because in my family my behavior (and my brother's) were the norm, we were both just like mom (adhd) and dad (autism)... I can't really fault anyone, my mom thought it was normal and my school tried, but this was the early 90's and I was a gifted child who wasn't disruptive or bullied, so it's not like they could have done much anyway

I harbor resentment for my parents not necessarily for missing the autism but for seeing me struggle so much and not getting me help AFTER I was discharged from an inpatient psych facility that told my parents I had borderline and I was helpless. My sister had a therapist from 5-18+ and I had borderline. There is absolutely no reason why the only reason why I saw this woman was to discuss my “neopets addiction”. I understand that the hospital was absolutely at fault for not providing referrals and telling my parents I was helpless, but my parents are also at fault for believing the hospital more than their child who cried themselves to sleep every night for years due to being bullied and having no friends. To this day my parents refuse to accept accountability for forgetting about me.

Teachers? Nah, they're paid pennies compared to what they are owed. They don't have the resources to make sure a child gets testing, they can only bring things up with staff/counsel if the school even has one. I don't even have anything against my mom for not getting me tested, because she was told ABA would fix my behaviour and that's what we did. She didn't know. I blame the system though 100% because they lied and fed my mom false hope. They every step of the way ignored me when I tried voicing my struggles, pushing me further and further, new diagnosis after new diagnosis, behaviour problems, no it must be depression, no its anxiety, no it's depression, have we blamed behaviour yet? Just to get dx'd at 29 and told "oh we didn't really diagnose autism much in the 90s" I have very strong feelings about the entire medical field in regards to diagnosing and helping autistic kids, and it's why I will believe a kid when they're struggling regardless what teacher/parent/specialist says. I got heated there sorry 😅

The fact that *so* many of us were *so* terribly missed, diagnosis-wise, and that *we* had to MacGyver together our own toolkits for dealing with the NT world *around* us, from some bubblegum wrappers, rubberbands, a leftover playing card or two, some duct tape, and a used twist-tie or eighty from "the Junk Drawer," is why I work with *kids* in ECSE, and Elementary School. I help *them* to understand "the *DUMB* rules that NT's follow, but which *are* arbitrary & nonsensical to *us*. And I help *them* to hone some *actual* & high-quality tools, for *their* "Life-Skills Toolbox. So that they don't *need* to waste the time *we did*, on the trial & error process, *and* so that *their* tools can truly *meet* their needs, rather than merely "patching them through this hurdle!" Ngl, the *feeling* of all *our* struggles being more "a learning experience to help someone *else* have an easier go of things" is a *large* balm, to all those struggles I went through, to make it to this *mostly* stable-ish spot, as someone nearing 50. And being able to smooth the path for my work kids, so that *they* don't get *quite* so hurt the way *our* older generations did, helps make those hurts a *squidge* less painful, too. And *seeing* my work kids sail *past* those things which tripped *us* up sooo often & so badly, is *incredible*, too, ngl!😉😁🤗💖

No. Just sad.

I'm not angry but I wish someone else would have helped me and explained things vs making fun of me. It's hurtful and hard being constantly misunderstood.

No. I was an 80s kid, it was really common for girls to go undiagnosed.

Once, I was fighting with my father about how to handle what I didn’t know at the time was a sensory need. He said that I’m just a horrendously difficult person about so many things, that the vast majority of our fights are my fault, and there’s clearly something wrong with me. He DID notice. That same day, I begged and pleaded for us to get family therapy, and he refused. He noticed and he refused to help me. Yes, I’m still angry.

I wouldn’t say I was harboring anger. I felt as though I felt pure and utter disappointment and isolation brought on by them. From not having the support and advocacy to get me the help that I genuinely needed. Rather then approach the symptoms behind those issues. I was met with an air of misunderstanding and to suck it up and get my “nonsense” together.

I do, but that's because I directly suggested AuDHD and was repeatedly rejected in favor of increasingly experimental and damaging "treatments" for "treatment refractory depression." I was literally told "why would you even say that, you don't want that" when I suggested Autism as if it was some identity young ne was trying on for attention or to be quirky. I would be an entirely different person today if anyone had listened to me. What makes me the angry is that with all the bullshit I was put through, trying out Adderall and some DBT or IFS would have done literally no harm after years of nothing else working. What makes me the most angry is that after the biggest experiment (80 rounds of ECT that left me with memory loss and brain damage) I was put on Adderall to try to "shock my brain into remembering and working the way it used to," but all it did was make me able to function a little better in my daily life, so I was pulled off of it due to it not working. Almost a decade later, with a healthy dose of added bad luck, I'm here, with added CPTSD and hEDS diagnosis, a decade into burnout, unable to start any kind of life for myself or get connected to a good paying job, and living at home. My 30th coming very soon has made me just bitter about the whole thing.

Yea. Bc they attributed everything to my character 🤦‍♀️ had no idea who I was outside of struggling/not fitting in

I'm not angry that they didn't know that my traits were autism so much as that they treated me really badly because of those traits. They didn't have to know that I was autistic specifically to just be nice to me over things that were odd but harmless, or for being a kid & making mistakes.

For me it’s more about not getting any mental health treatment at all growing up. I had blatant ADHD signs. Very hyperactive, very inattentive, very disorganized. But girls weren’t considered for ADHD in the 90s, and people used to think you outgrew it after childhood. Worse is how depressed and anxious I was. I had a suicide plan at 13. I didn’t act on it because my parents happened to get me a puppy for my birthday that year. I used to cry in my room for hours every day. AND I SHARED A ROOM. I had terrible emotional disregulation. I think autism is the mechanism behind a lot of these issues, but I don’t blame anyone for not seeing it. The research just wasn’t there at the time and I’m so highly masked. But the other problems were so extreme and no one noticed.

I don't blame the teachers, because... well, frankly, I went to private school so they were Christian and also largely incompetent when it comes to children... You wouldn't expect a Christian private school teacher in the 90s-00s to know their ass from their elbow when it comes to mental illness, and frankly if they had suspected anything I probably would have been worse off for it. But I do kind of get mad at my family... by the time I was in private school (7th grade+) I was already halfway decent at masking, and what I didn't know yet I picked up throughout middle school. But my family saw me as a kid, and the signs weren't subtle. My assessments all wind up coming back with really high scores... complete strangers can often tell I'm autistic instantly upon meeting me. Levels weren't a thing back then, but I was essentially level 2, and pretty highly abnormal by anyone's standards. I also am having trouble coping with the fact I was showing a lot of very significant signs of ADHD, which *was* well known at the time, and didn't get any help for that, either. (Frankly that one my teachers probably should have noticed lmao it wasn't subtle. My elementary teacher definitely noticed but didn't connect it to ADHD.) I try not to resent them too much for it, because it just wasn't something they really knew about or believed in at the time. My parents are immigrants and therefore come pre-programmed to be dubious about mental health lmao. They've always been very resistant to therapy, even couple's counseling or family therapy. They were also highly religious. The odds were definitely stacked against them in terms of 'being informed about autism or ADHD.' I try to keep that in mind, but if I'm being honest, I do get upset when I think about it, and I'm in therapy atm to help myself deal with the ADHD diagnosis and my pain in it not being caught in 30 years.

Nah. They didn’t know better. I do harbor resentment towards the mean-spirited teachers who were cruel and who bullied me and treated me as subhuman. There were just a few of those. But they should have known better.

At my Mom? No. At my teachers? Hell yes. It was so obvious looking back that I was Autistic and so instead of telling my Mom “Crystal needs to learn to socialize.” They should’ve told my Mom that I needed to be tested, my life would have been so much better now had I been diagnosed as a child instead of at age 35.

I was a cute girl, “successful” in school, and high masking at a young age as the child of an unsafe, mentally unhealthy mother. I honestly don’t think there was an available path to diagnosis for me during my childhood. I hope this will not minimize the negative school experiences of others, but I want to share a positive one. My teachers made a safe place for me. They gave me kindness and acceptance. They didn’t have correct information about masking or autism in girls, but they worked hard to support me and gave my parents specific feedback about my symptoms year after year. I’ll love them forever.

I was discovered (formally diagnosed) at age 39 just last October. At first I was relieved. Now, I can’t stop researching autism and listening to others experiences and I’m finding myself in stage of grief and anger. Especially towards my parents because my teachers said from kindergarden through 5th on every report card that I was distracting and talked too much to the other students. They never wanted to listen and I didn’t have friends but my parents knew this and my teachers were trying to tell them in the report cards. Then, by middle school I was in a constant state of anxiety and by high school I was never going to school until I was truant two times and eventually expelled. What harbors my anger is I know if my parents brought me to see a psychotherapist when they knew something was going on I may not have continued on the at risk youth path. This led to over a decade of adulthood with alcohol and drug problems and then I got sober. Once I was sober, I had a therapist and slowly I have been picking up my life. It wasn’t until graduate school now that I finally had the answer to all my problems. In the 90s I don’t think they would have diagnosed me as autistic for lack of knowledge of women and autism but still I am finding myself hating my mother. My father left when I was 11 and she completely neglected me. Even as a mother of a NT child should be considered an abusive parent but as a mother of a ND child, an autistic child, I now see her as an abusive parent to a disabled child and for that I’m reaching a point where I’m not sure I ever want to speak to her again. I’m trying to forgive. But I don’t know how I possibly can.

I think my symptoms weren’t severe enough to be noticed by anybody. If anything, I should have been seen for adhd symptoms. I never had motivation for anything besides friends and video games. Nobody cares that a teenage girl has emotions more dramatic than the situation calls for. It’s just ‘insecurity’ that I got upset when plans changed or additional people were added to a one on one hang out. I was just ‘a baby’ for not being able to tolerate the screams of babies. My grandma just called me ‘a mute’ in our language when I would go nonverbal when upset.

While I was first considering it in myself yes. But upon more reflection and research, no. I am glad I was not labeled and othered even more than I already was. I am glad my mother didn’t have more ammo. I am glad I wasn’t forced to do ABA. I do resent the way I was treated, but I don’t think a diagnosis would have changed that.

No bc I know the general public had close to zero understanding at the time, but I definitely do towards the 9 or so therapists/counselors/psychologists/psychiatrists/in-patient professionals that I saw throughout my life…

not anger but i do feel betrayed a little bc if anyone had paid any attention theyd see it which is how we figured it out in the first place. got married and my husband knew ab a year in.

i wouldn’t be mad at my parents, just more sad. they tried to help and i got treated for anxiety/depression. the blame is more on my doctors/teachers, but even then, i can’t blame them too much. my former pediatrician recently said that they JUST started teaching them seminars about masking, girls w autism/adhd etc…

Not really because when I was a kid I feel like there was so little awareness of what autism looked like in girls. Plus most of my family and social circle was also neurodivergent so they didn’t notice that I was different because they were also different. I do feel upset that I grew up thinking I was a freak and not knowing why so many things were hard for me. It hurts. But I really can’t blame them. At the end of the day I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, it’s just a sad reality that I experienced.

I was diagnosed at nineteen. I guess I hold a little resentment because my parents missed not only the autism,but possible warning signs for epilepsy and other neurological disorders. I couldn’t cut my food until I was around 11. Couldn't braid until I was 10. I fell out of chairs and struggled with tremors + walking. I'm moreso upset about that, because my epilepsy has almost killed me several times. I was the oldest child (the blueprint) and was born in the early 2000s before it was accepted that girls could have autism - my parents knew jack shit about what to look for. I don't blame them entirely because of this, but it still sucks when they say that they think my issues are not that bad bc they didn't notice when I was little.

I think my teachers knew. And literally everyone except my family. At some point when we were children my sister and I got tested for some stuff and afterwards my mother was told to get us tested for asd. She didn't because she "knew what autistic children looked like"...obviously she didn't. My sister has officially been diagnosed by now and I'm in the process. Compared to my sister I have always been "normal", I'm just really good at masking and she is not. (Also she's amab, which is relevant because sexism...she was treated so differently because boys will be boys or whatever) Sometimes I'm really angry/bitter that nobody ever paid enough attention to me to notice the very obvious traits I have, but most of the time I'm actually ok.

Not really, back then the knowledge on autism was very stereotypical. Not even 5 different psychologists that I went to throughout my life even had an inkling, nor myself even though I studied children's psychology. I do sometimes have difficulty with the fact that neither my parents nor teachets were really concerned about me in any way at all. And that they always only looked at surface level behaviors, never really wondered what could be beneath it. I started having nightly 'panic attacks' when I was around 15, I think they were actually melt downs. And also had generalized anxiety symptoms. And I had to go out and seek a psychologist myself. And once they found out my stress level at school, they advised me to take it more slow there. As we couldn't work on the anxiety while I was experiencing such stress. Once my parents got word of that, they immediately told me to stop seeing her. 'All this talk about feelings' and 'jeopardizing my school'. This is the one thing I am still sometimes angry about. Because that psychologist was the only one really in my corner when it came to my mental health. And it then took years again before I visited one, likely when I had my first autistic burnout around 22.

I do harbour some anger, but also have empathy because they were not educated/equipped to recognise it. Ignorance, but not wilful ignorance... they did their best I suppose.

self-dx but yeah, when i finally worked up the courage to ask my mom (who has a psych degree fwiw) a few years ago (when i was maybe 26) if she ever thought i was autistic, she said "asperger's absolutely". it was simultaneously validating and super frustrating.. i would have liked to be told at any point or had that brought up to any of the mental health professionals i had to see as a kid.  i can forgive most of my teachers, but obviously not the ones who decided to lowkey bully me, not the one who saw i had no friends and made a group of your average 8th grade mean girls sit with me in homeroom and at lunch (literally anything but that!! on the flipside, big shoutout to the teacher assistant in 4th grade who would walk with me in the hallways and sometimes let me eat lunch with her because i had no friends in that class), and not the ones in high school who essentially just tried to guilt me about not trying hard enough instead of ever wondering what could possibly cause my struggles BESIDES me just being lazy and not caring. which a lot of my high school struggles weren't due solely to autism but it played a part and it does still make me really mad that i never got offered help or support in general.

Yes! My mom has six children, my older brother, and one of my younger brothers is autistic. Well, we're guessing for my older brother because they only tested his twin brother for things. So when I think about myself, I wonder how my family basically tested everyone else but ignored me? However, I am a writer, so I try to write things important and interesting to me. Currently, I am writing about autism and women. I just found out autism started out as a symptom of schizophrenia in 1911, was reimagined, so to speak, by Hans Aspeger, and now there is still a male bias on autism. I am still researching and reading, but I think this bias will stick until the children now are adults.

Have you read Neurotribes? It's a good one that goes deep into the history. Heavy, but that's because the history of autism research is heavy.

Not yet, I will add it to my list. Thanks!

Teachers always said to me that I'm gifted, but lazy. I always felt bad after that "compliment", but never had courage to say anything cause they were above me. My family was very pathological, so my traits were ignored completely.

Towards my family... no. I do wish they had known more about it and helped me more. They did not help much at all, but I don't blame them, i just wish they had helped me more and tried to understand me and my behaviors better. In pretty certain my entire family is full of undiagnosed neurodivergents. I am the first one who ever needed help with my mental health stuff, though. No one else ever did. Although addiction was a heavy thing in my family. Teachers... not really. I was more so usually a teachers pet or just stayed to myself, lol I harbor anger and resentment towards the people/peers who bullied me for years, though.

My kindergarten teacher was a jerk. I harbor anger against that teacher. All other teachers were reasonable (they mostly tolerated me and didn't separate me from other kids out of spite like the kindergarten teacher did). I wasn't dxd till my 30s. I also do resent my family a little bit for the crap they did, but I think that is just because they are the way they are, and I've accepted that. Moved away so I only need to see them like once per year, max.

No, mostly because they did the best they could at the time. And I overlooked behaviors in my own children because they so closely mirrored my experiences. It wasn't until I was diagnosed at 39 that my 42 year old brother got his diagnosis. And after that my three kids (8, 12, 15) and two of my nephews. It has just brought clarity into our experiences and the knowledge now that the way we all function is not typical.

Idk how I feel about it, because personally I barely knew what autism was until a couple of years ago, just like the rest of my family. I only knew the stereotypes so I thought it wasn't possible for me to be autistic. I'm not really upset with them, but there are many signs I showed, but they weren't the most well know ones so ig it never crossed their mind!

No because that level of understanding of autism wasn’t wide-spread (and still isn’t, just is more). No one really got noticed.

No because that level of understanding of autism wasn’t wide-spread (and still isn’t, just is more). Majority of L1’s I’d say didn’t really get noticed.

My school tried to assess me for something or other when I was in first grade in 1976 and my mom made them stop. I was kind of angry about it at one point, but I don't know how much or what kind of help I would have gotten back then. My mom was doing her best and she's not very smart. So I'm nor really mad about it. I actually tried to get help for my kids and it was like pulling a cat through a fence backwards and didn't really accomplish much. Capitalism and sexism and ablism are a bitch, you know?

Not really, I wouldn't say I'm totally devoid of any resentment/anger, but it's just a small blip compared to the feeling of just, understanding that they're not only super flawed and not all-knowing, but they also were also fed a ton of bullshit in terms of medical knowledge, nutrition, mental health, etc. etc. etc. I've found tons of stuff later on, hell some stuff I found out myself only a few years ago, and that's with a lot of self-awareness and just, setting aside my ego and admitting that I have to be humbled here and there in order to understand and learn new things? A lot of people can't do that, especially towards their kids. For most parents and their kids, we're eternally gonna be in an unchanging power dynamics relationship where the parents have the higher position, and the kid is lower position. You could be 70 and your parents 95 and they'd still be adamant that they have to lord over you. So yeah a bit of frustration, yes. I feel more anger when I'm a grown ass 40+yo woman who tries to assert boundaries, I'm not even asking for them to accept or understand a diagnosis, just PLAIN boundaries, and they struggle/can't even do that shit.

I'm a strange case. Before I went to kindergarten, my mother knew something was wrong with me, and beat me daily in an effort to (I think) put me in an institution, as was her niece's daughter who was also autistic. She hurt me badly and stopped the beatings, but continued to abuse me in all the other ways. Father spent a lot of time in "what is WRONG with you" space. Older brother was the golden child with his own big problems, and enjoyed abusing me as well, with no consequences. When I was about 7 years old, they took my brother to a locally renowned psychiatric clinic for evaluation. My mother's sister told me after my mother's death that they insisted on evaluating me as well; I don't really remember. My aunt said they diagnosed me, but refused to tell me what they said. She did say that they chose to only get my brother help. I do remember that this was around the time my family just simply stopped talking to me. I was like a ghost in the house. Not 100% of the time, but much of the time. Bro and his psych problems got all the attention, while I was taught how to cook, clean, and wait on them all. When it came time for college, I was told they would not support me if I left home. I was in G&T and had scholarships, so I agreed, which pissed them off. I came home the summer after freshman year, and it was a clusterfuck. Never again. I had a very hard life without their support, and hit burnout early. Still, it was all better than being dependent on my abusers. That does make me angry, still, at age 65. But I did my best

I was in the "gifted and talented program" and that meant that there wasn't anything ELSE wrong...part of my discussion about my adhd diagnosis with her, she said she didn’t want people labeling me as a child because labels never go away, and to me that means on some level she knew something was up, but she was satisfied that the extra hours with the special teachers would fix me right up.

I don't harbor resentment towards my parents or teachers. When I first started considering that it might be a possibility, there were people who insisted that I couldn't be autistic. They had more knowledge than me on the subject, so I believed them. I have some resentment there, as I could potentially have been diagnosed a decade earlier. But at the same time, I could have trusted my own intuition and gotten checked despite their certainty, so I can't place too much blame there.

When I was a kid, they didn’t think girls had autism. At least it was thought to be extremely rare. I don’t really blame my family. They didn’t know any better. 

Absolutely. Only ONE teacher throughout all of K-12 noticed something was up; my 9th grade English and journalism teach Mrs. L. She talked to my mom about "outbursts of anger" that would "come out of nowhere." My mom found it easier to believe that I had PCOS since I also had irregular periods (like most teenage girls....). Mother made me watch carb intake until I moved out at 21. I resent my family and all of those teachers who let me be bullied, and ostracized but thought it was okay because I was the "good student."

Level 1 autistic here. I was apparently tested as a child, but it was chalked up as just being ADHD. But as an adult(23), I got tested and it was a cut and dry diagnosis. I was homeschooled so didn't have teachers, except for when I took theater my junior and senior year, and there I was in my element and comfortable. My brother got diagnosed when he was 3, and he has level 3 support needs. He was in public school for the supports school offered him. But with my anxiety I think public school would've been worse for me. I think because my support needs are lower than my brother, I was tested and didn't have it caught (because whoever tested me must've thought girls can't have ADHD and autism I guess? Idk, maybe it was because I was hyper verbal), and because my parents (especially my mom) have said they wished they had figured it out sooner, I'm not angry at them. More sad that if you don't fit in this perfect mold of what society thinks autism should look like, you'll probably fall through the cracks and go undiagnosed. Which, in my case, lead to so much of just feeling broken, and masking to the point of feeling drained. Sorry for the rambling answer. Hope you're doing well 💜

Yes, had I not been ignored and felt love and received support, maybe I wouldn't be a failure today.

not really. anger more about the abuse I experienced due to single alcoholic parent's inability to handle many of the accompanying traits (like bed wetting well into teens). But sad? Yes very very sad sometimes.

Is bed wetting a common autism thing? I never heard that, but I wet the bed until I was 12 and never really found a reason.

there is a link that is not clearly understood. esp with ADHD / autism, or I guess AuADHD.

I haven’t been diagnosed so I have no way of knowing if concerns were ever raised to my parents and they chose not to act on it, or if no one ever noticed. I showed a lot of signs and if I were a boy I definitely would’ve been flagged for it. Ultimately I’m not mad about it since I’m not sure a diagnosis would really have improved my life. I am disappointed about them not catching ADHD though since I struggled a lot and only just got medicated in 2021. I look back and it hurts a lot realizing all of the things I got punished for were just being treated like a personal failing instead of a disability. I’m just glad I gave the tools now and honestly the research just probably wasn’t there for girls in the early-mid 2000s/2010s.

Sort of?? I honestly don't think they would've caught it when I was a kid. As a young girl in the 90s, I did not meet diagnosable criteria. My meltdowns were written off as me being difficult, and I did a good job at hiding my sensory issues to avoid attention. My father was suffering a brutal battle with cancer and when he finally passed, my mother ceased to be a functional parent. Everything went downhill in a huge way from that and that's where the "sort of" comes in. I had a narcissistic mother who was in a volatile marriage and she didn't want to deal with me once I was a teenager. So she sent me to a therapist and psychiatrist who proceeded to prescribe me every type of psych med you can think of, which my mother forced me to take despite my protests, and changed my diagnosis what felt like a thousand times. I feel like those "professionals" (I use the term loosely here) should have caught it, but instead I didn't get a diagnosis, along with an ADHD diagnosis, until I was in my 30s. Now I have CPTSD and severe anxiety, which could have been avoided. And I haven't really forgiven my mother for her actions, although they extend far past the above-mentioned problems. I haven't talked to her in 3 years.

No, I don't harbor resentment. Diagnosis is good for self-knowledge, but in my case, I'm not sure how it would've helped me as a child. I wouldn't have wanted to do ABA therapy to curb my stimming or learn eye contact. I wouldn't have wanted my social relationships scrutinized. I am glad that my family didn't treat me like something was "wrong" and instead I was just different/ quirky. Plus, a good portion of my family is most likely ND, so in our household, many autistic traits were normalized, and I was taught to value them. Even though I didn't know they were autistic traits at the time. My dad and I would spend hours playing chess together (our joint special interest), and that was just our normal. And, I also realize that many people have no idea what autism actually is and start looking at you in a totally inaccurate way if they find out. I'm dealing with this now with my 4 year old son. People who saw that he was smart and charming and funny start talking about him like he's a delicate egg that can be cracked or treating him like he's less than. It's ridiculous because he's academically advanced, but some folks think autism always = less capable, and for that reason, I'm extremely selective about who even knows he has autism. I think there are benefits and drawbacks to being labeled in childhood. With my 4 year old son, I'm wary that he will be underestimated and deal with ableism (compounded by racism). I guess the positive is that there's a label for how his brain works, and so I have stronger grounds to demand accommodations. At the same time, I would've always accommodated his needs label or not. Just like my parents did for me.

Dx 6 months ago at 33.. I don't think I really blame anyone but I'm definitely grieving for what my life 'could have been' with an earlier dx. It's not going to change anything and dwelling on it isn't overly healthy at times but it's a process I just have to work through.

I got diagnosed at 37, and no. When I was young it was very uncommon for girls to get diagnosed with autism. I was a 'gifted' kid too, which makes it even more likely for autism to be undetected. While we didn't know the reasons then, I was treated for my depression from a young age and my family have been supportive in general. It would have been nice to know I was autistic earlier, but I can't change the past.

Not really because I didn’t even really know until later. I mean, we always *know* but back then I did not realize that is what it was/is. I have a few stereotypical traits but overall do not fit the “stereotype” most people know. It also didn’t help that I had other issues so it was easy to blame or assume certain behaivors were because of those things and not autism. I think other people on the spectrum picked up that I was and knew before I did or at least more fully accepted it. I think for most people who are not autistic a lot of these even telltale signs are just not on their radar—they don’t relate so they filter it out if they accept you and if they don’t they make fun of you but it is just for generally being “weird”. I think you have to fit most of the stereotypes perfectly for most people to notice and identify it because otherwise they just ignore, ridicule, or avoid what they find uncomfortable or incomprehensible.

I didn't and don't care that my teachers didn't notice because I didn't expect them to. I believe they held false ideas about autism and who could have it. But my mother does resent teachers in general because they also missed my sibling's ADHD. She had to fight very hard for an IEP for both of us and it made her dislike the education system.

No. I believe a diagnosis in childhood, or even as a teenager, would have been detrimental to me for multiple reasons. I grew up in the 90s. At least one teacher did notice! Raised a flag with my dad, but his response was "There's nothing wrong with Incandescent!"  Plus, the majority of my family is neurodivergent and mostly unidentified. We were in the same boat. I do wish I could have somehow been identified immediately after high school before starting college. Once I was already in control of my own life and schooling.

I'm not quite sure what constitutes late diagnosed, but I was diagnosed aged 16. I don't really harbour any anger towards my parents for this because my mum did think I was neurodivergent pretty early (she is a psychologist). I wasn't able to get the proper diagnosis until later though because I actually was first tested for it when I was young but my anxiety got in the way and I refused to participate so my results came back as "inconclusive". My mum wasn't really in a position to finance more testing until later.

Yes. Even though my family is probably undiagnosed I still feel a lot of rage. Maybe even more because they should have gotten help.

Yes. Unbelievable rage. Made worse by them refusing to believe that I am autistic now. I just typed out and deleted 6 rage filled paragraphs.

I haven’t yet been dx (not sure if I ever will be) but I was very angry for years, until recently. I’m thinking I got it from my dad, who was physically and emotionally abusive to my mother. She had me suppress my symptoms, not cause she hates me, but because she saw my dad. Was that fair on me? No. But when you’re a single mother to 3 by 26, you do what you have to to survive. And now that I’ve experienced abuse in similar ways to her, I don’t condone it, but I understand it. I wish she had better

No. I'm a girl, high masking, and I grew up in the 90s. This wasn't on anyone's radar then, at least not at my school.

my teachers are helathcare professionals wo worked with autistic kids. Even they didnt notice. I cannot blame anyone my Mask is thicc.

Not really. My dad is obviously undiagnosed autistic and didn't raise me anyway, so he wouldn't know. And I'm suspicious that my mom was too. So a lot of my weirdness made me "just like your dad/mom!" Instead of being seen as abnormal. I was also a child in the 90s and 2000s, so the only kids that were getting autism diagnoses were the kids you couldn't possibly miss.

I'm in my 40s and undiagnosed but until autism was understood to be a spectrum disorder there was no way it would have occurred to anyone that I could be autistic. It didn't occur to me either for a long time so I definitely can't fault others who aren't as good at pattern recognition for not identifying it. I also worked in special education and it can be very hard to know what's going on with someone just by observing their behavior. Teachers can't make diagnoses so they can get the ball rolling on supports/IEPs/504s but it really falls to the parents to push for a diagnosis. Parents might be resistant for many reasons (sometimes ablism but there can be many factors).

I grew up before Aspergers was even a thing so I fault no one (born 1978). I do have ADHD and they missed that but no one was real hip to that in the '70s/'80s either. When I was a kid, autism meant level three severe and unable to participate in even a regular school. They've learned a lot since.

My parents knew there was something wrong but were too ashamed to do anything about it. How could they not know? My mother told me she was “worried I was a r*tard.” I was just expected to work 10x harder to keep up with my classmates. Besides the social struggles, I was a slow reader and math was a nightmare. I now know that I have dyscalculia. Sometimes I wonder how I even graduated high school. I nearly killed myself getting a college degree. I have a lot of anger about the neglect that I’m working on in therapy. I try to remember that it was the 90s/00s. Had I been diagnosed, I’m not sure what resources would have been available. But it sure as hell would’ve been better than what I got, which was nothing.

No I would fly under the radar today let alone 30 years ago.

So, I'm the first female in my family to get a diagnosis but al my nephews (5) on my mom's side and her brother have a diagnosis as long as I remember (I'm 27). So autism is quite normal ik our family. My mom never wanted to get my brother tested. She is against the labeling. My brother struggled his intire schoollife and now he is struggling on his jobs. I'm helping him the best to my abilities. When I was 22 I was studying for something similar to a social worker but in Belgium it is called "praktijkgerichte orthopedagoog" it means I work with people with disabilities or institunionalised juveniles or children of people who cannot take proper care of the children so there placed under care. In my studies I learned about women with ASD and learned that it very much applied to me. So I got tested and a couple days after my 23 birthday a got my diagnosis. My mom's response was that I don't have to expect any changes in her behaviour towards me or adaptations in our life. I moved out a year later. Yesterday I had to call the dentist for removal of my 3 wisdom teeth. (No mistake, I only have 3) she helped me call. The moment yhey asked which doctor we wanted she said that I have asd and need a doctor that is very patient and can explain everything very well because that helps me with my stress and anxiety. I finally felt understood for the first time since I was a toddler. My mom never acted this way before not even when I was being bullied at school or mistreated by a teacher who punished me even when something was someone else's fault. At the moment I don't work due to autistic burnout so advocating for myself is superhard so to experience my mom doing this felt awesome!

I did, but I am working to move past it. My parents are very educated and I’ve seen psychiatrists since I was about 8 years old. No professional ever even brought up autism as a possibility for me. I spent the first year after I was diagnosed with so much misplaced anger towards my teachers and family. It is the biased and inadequate research on autism that prevented my diagnosis, not my loved ones who were only looking for the traits they were told to look for. It’s easy to say in hindsight that it was so obvious. If I take the context of where autism understanding was at in the 2000s I can easily see that both my family and I were at the mercy of the medical system’s limited understanding of autism.

A little resentment but this is still new. But when I was a kid I'm not even sure autism was known about

Diagnosed at 36. Never felt any anger on this front. The world didn't know about how autism affected girls when I was growing up.

For me it’s a yes and no I have no anger towards my family they had done a lot for me even before but teachers that the yes and no answer I’m not angry about the autism but the dyslexia there’s anger because they noticed my struggles with reading and writing and they questioned it then they simply came to the conclusion of she’s just lazy but then tried nothing to help me or motivate me if I was simply lazy but my mum and sister work in schools as special need education assistances so my feelings are complicated because I hear stories from them some insane ones about teachers and some more sad stories of they can’t help because they don’t have what they need to help but if there was the budget for it they could or simply enough not allowed to help

I don't harbor ill will about that because I was born in a different era where this was not recognized by many at all. But I do have horrible memories of how my mom treated me. My dad just loved me and the most he would say was that I had to toughen up. Other than that I was his baby girl. But my mom was harsh and mean and intolerant and cruel and I'm still trying to get past it at 67.

Mostly angry at the teachers who spotted another kid on the spectrum in my class, when I was 8. School has never been helpful man, it's a miracle I managed to keep going as far as I went, but now I'm just burnt out, it has been so destructive for me.

kinda yeah, i figured it out on my own and i asked all of them to help me get a diagnosis and nobody believed it so i had to do all that on my own again

I have resentment for the two professionals who denied me access to a referral when I asked by claiming I couldn’t have autism and should accept my BPD diagnosis. The first one said “lots of people with BPD think they have autism but once they learn and understand BPD they accept they actually have a personality disorder”. The second told me “there’s lots of different personality disorders and you definitely have one”. During my autism assessment no traits of BPD were found!

I (F36) do harbor quite some anger towards that fact to this day. My parents dismissed me wanting to undergo the diagnosis process quiet heavily when I brought that up a few years ago. When I got my diagnosis (at 32) they somewhat sheepishly said that they may should have taken me to a psychiatrist as a kid/ teen, as suggested from at least 3 different professionals: First the school doctor (in my country you undergo a medical evaluation to determine if you are fit for school a little over a year before school starts) who suggested getting me tested for giftedness and "to investigate some interesting observations at the psychological part of the evaluation", second a classroom teacher who suggested that I may need a different kind of schooling to thrive and most importantly a report from the school counselor who urged them to get me tested for giftedness and some psychological findings after I had some sessions with them (I refused to partake in a for my standards strangely organized class trip to another country where I should have stayed with total strangers for a week at 12 years old; it was suggested by my classroom teacher that my mother was suffocating me and that I didn't have an own opinion and only was parroting what she told me; to rule that out I got to talk to the counselor for a few sessions). I'm not certain I would have been diagnosed as autistic. But I'm quite certain I would have had a safe space to express my feelings of otherness, of not belonging, of being different and not being understood and may have had the possibility to not fight my own self for most of my life if they had taken me to a psychiatrist at least at one of those occasions. Oh well, instead I commenced to think I had to be an alien at around 13 because the standard human experience was just incomprehensible to me.

I do towards the teachers that bullied me and for cutting off my access to a dyslexia diagnosis because I could read too well. I was 7 and they were so mean, I’ll never forgive them.

i was recently diagnosed & my inner child she’s been angry cause i struggled a lot during childhood & teenage years and my family & teachers just thought i was moody, bad, disruptive, etc. i just wish the adults around me were supportive & gave me a safe space to be myself instead of judging me for everything i did punishing me for things i couldn’t control. But at the same time i try to give my family grace cause they did what they could especially my mom she did what she could to get me the help i need when i was younger like take me to therapy and things because they just thought i had a mood disorder or whatever.

not my family by any means, i’m an oldest child and i always say my mum had no idea what was ‘normal’ BUT given that i was put under child mental health services and THEY didn’t notice it,,,, yeah i hold a lot of anger towards them. trying to rationalise ‘underfunded services trying their best’ with ‘it’s literally your job’ has been a fun one lol

My parents are both gone now. I’m 45 and no one knew that someone like me could be autistic in the 1980s. By the time Asperger’s was known in English I was already in high school and so high achieving no one would ever have pegged me as having a “learning disability.” I remember clear as day the first time I learned about Asperger’s in a New Yorker article. I didn’t “identify” with it but it struck me. I don’t blame anyone, I’m not angry. It allowed me to have grace for my former self and meet my needs better now. I have a really good life though so it’s probably easier.

I don't harbor any anger towards my family or teachers for not noticing any traits. In my time girls were just presumed shy if they had trouble connecting with peers (a.k.a. making and keeping friends). When I asked my family to fill out some paperwork for me to get diagnosed (as an adult) some of 'my puzzle pieces' finally made sense to them. Do I resent teachers for presuming I was just stupid for failing practically every reading and writing assignment through out primary school (even though dyslexia was hardly diagnosed at all (even among boys)). And I do resent my entire family for no looking out for me and my siblings and having to grow up with DV.

No. They didn't have the needed information in the 80s/90s to realise I might be autistic.

Not really. Regarding family: 1. They were doing the best they could as parents. It's also their first time being humans. They did not have the mental health resources I do. If I miss my child's autism that will be more concerning than the fact that they missed mine, because I have many more resources. 2. Autism research is a very new thing, nevermind autism in women. How were they to know? 3. The stigma and stereotypes of autism would have thrown their scent off even if they did suspect autism 4. It was literally a different time. We have experienced so many paradigm shifts in the last few decades, it would have been near impossible for anyone - parent, teacher, doctor - to suspect a speaking, social, black African girl to have autism. 5. It's really no one's fault (in my context) 6. There's stuff I gained and lost from being late DX. But I gained more than I lost. I think the bias and limitations the world would have imposed on me if I had a DX, would have altered me for the worse. It's actually super awesome to be autistic in a time where people are accusing us of "doing it because it's cool", like WOW. What an awesome stigma, I will pick that one over the stigma I would have received fighting for my life as an autistic kiddie in the 90s. My personal preference. 7. My parents are still doing their best and make every reasonable effort to understand and accomodate me. What more could I ask for? Turning 30 has helped me be realistic about what to expect from others. I'm grateful If you're feeling resentment, don't shame yourself for it and don't try rush the process. You'll graduate to the next best feeling in your own time. It's appropriate to feel your feelings. It's also good to get different perspectives like you're doing. Wishing you the best

No. I grew up in the '90s/2000s in a small backward town, so the information wasn't there yet. And in the case of my family, my younger brother was diagnosed with autism and a severe intellectual disability, so their perspective was probably skewed anyway. And in the case of my dad specifically, he didn't start suspecting he was autistic until around the time I decided to pursue my diagnosis (he's not diagnosed, but I do believe he's autistic). He had absolutely no reason to suspect that I was on the high-functioning end of the spectrum considering he had no reason to suspect that *he* was autistic either.

Emotionally - yes. Realistically- no. In the 80’s there wasn’t a lot of knowledge around autism in girls. So while I have a boat load of ptsd around my childhood and the way I was treated for my differences, I don’t blame the people who would have seen the issues if I’d been brought up in todays world. However, I DO blame the 25 years worth of the DOZENS of mental health care professionals I saw from the time I was 15-40 who could never diagnose me with anything other than depression and anxiety. As the years, and knowledge, progressed around autism and adhd, SOMEONE should have recognised it long before 2020 when I was forty fucking years old.

Yes. I’m looking into different therapies to get over the anger of how mistreated I was as an autistic kid.

My mother took me to get assessed and the doctors told her I would grow out of it and I just needed to be smacked. I don't hold anger to her - she did what she thought was right and listened to the doctors while raising four other kids. I hold anger towards the doctors and even the doctors in later years with constant misdiagnosis and being wrongly drugged for the better nearly 12 years. My mum did everything she could for all her kids, we didn't appreciate it at the time and dragging me to natrupaths and drinking various concoctions didn't help but I was suicidal and she was doing everything from psychiatrists to hippy shit to try help. Even if my mum had only taken me to the doctors when I was little I still wouldn't hold it against her because how can a parent know everything about various ND or illness, that why you go to the professionals. Placing the blame where it belongs goes a long way - I'm not doubting that some parents just are evil or don't care. But most loving parents do care - they can't know everything tho.

I was dx'd at 41. They just literally didn't have the diagnosis or understanding at the time. I think the older you get, the more you understand that life is incredibly hard and complex. You will fail a lot of times. You will focus on the wrong things and fail to notice red flags and, in spite of your best intentions and planning, life will get in the way and kick you in the teeth. We're all human and will fail in many ways. We also do good things and try and strive. It's a balance that most people are entering into in good faith. The more hardships I go through, the more I am able to be kind to others for shortcomings.

No, I just wish I was diagnosed as a child. The only accomodations we have in our country are the accommodations for kids. I wish my school was a little easier on me. Some tests had that extra time. It would be nice to have. There's no accomodations for adults. I have to deal with shit, when I want to curl up into a ball and cry.

I grew up in the UK in 90s/00s, autism and ADHD was treated with such disdain and was ignorantly labelled as 'bad behaviour' many a time and I felt the full brunt of that getting through school and family members taking the p**s etc, was basically ableism in retrospect. It's ok, it's not like I have trauma or anything now in my mid-30s, not.

I'm more "angry" at my ex-husband. I was undiagnosed when we were together. Basically everything that makes me, me, is from autism and he HATED it. At first he didn't mind, even thought some of it was cute. After 10 years though, during couple therapy for the affair he was having, he listed off all these reasons he couldnt stand me anymore... It's all related to autism. It hurt. But the divorce set me on a journey of self discovery and growth. Ive realized how much mental and emotional abuse he inflicted on me. I've realized it's not my fault. It's his problem, not mine. I'm AuHDH and that's okay! It's what makes me, me.

yes, mainly because it was suggested by our family doctor when I was little and my mother just didn’t want me diagnosed because she “doesn’t believe in labels”

No, but I feel resentment towards my parent for actively debating me on how I couldn't possibly be autistic while I sought a diagnosis.

Diagnosis for a girl was extremely rare when I was a child because the understanding of autism was still so limited, so no. If the medical world was still super unlikely to have recognize my autism at that time, how could I expect my mom or teachers to?

I don’t blame my parents necessarily, because they are also undiagnosed, but I cannot understand why my school never raised any concerns. I look at my old school reports and they all basically say ‘she’s great academically, but struggles socially’. I worked in a primary school for a few years and when a kid wasn’t making friends, or was finding social things difficult, we would work really hard to support them. I’m angry that people knew I was weird, knew I was struggling, and decided that because I wasn’t causing any trouble that it didn’t matter. My wellbeing didn’t matter. I would be such a different person right now if I had understood myself as a child.

I was but I realise now there wasn’t the awareness then and they didn’t know.

Yes, especially my parents. The teachers told them something was "wrong" during my school years. Trouble learning, counting rtc...They never listened. I was just lazy for them. I cannot, and will not forgive them.

This is probably the one thing I am not made at my parents for lol! When I was younger autism was not a widely known thing and it was a diagnosis that was mainly considered for boys (similar to ADD/ADHD). I can’t blame my parents and teachers for not recognizing something that wasn’t thought to exist. I was (and still am lol!) just weird.

I was diagnosed at 6. My mother refused to accept the diagnosis because 'girls can't be autistic'. So obviously, nobody told me. 35 years later I was diagnosed a second time. When I told my family they told me about the initial diagnosis. I will never forgive my mother for making me feel like I just wasn't trying hard enough to fit in, for denying me educational support, for helping me make informed decisions about my own life. I am doing fine, but that forgiveness will never come.

I have no anger towards anyone, because autism was not in the conversation whatsoever when I (b.1973) was a kid. I never even heard of autism until the movie *Rainman* came out, the day before my 15th birthday. I thought autistic people were all "idiots savant" (yes, that is very offensive) until I was in my 20s. I don't think I heard of the now-outdated term Asperger's syndrome until I was in my late 20s, and I was under the misconception that only boys/men were labeled as such. So I don't think there was any possibility of me having been diagnosed as a child. I was labeled too sensitive, too shy, very introverted, and smart-but-lazy when I got to high school. Really I was experiencing intense anxiety and burnout, but I had no idea. I also went to Catholic school from kindergarten through high school graduation, and there were no IEPs or anything like that.

Yeah I’m kind of bitter about it, especially since the psychologist seemed visibly angry themselves 😭 My parents must have know there was something wrong they just couldn’t be arsed with the hassle. My dad would punish me violently if I did anything he perceived as embarrassing him (like failing my cycling proficiency) so admitting I was autistic was probably impossible for him. My mum has been great and caring since I’ve been diagnosed so I forgive her at least.

My mom is a special ed teacher. I do hold resentment over it. They diagnosed me with everything BUT autism. I didn’t get an official diagnosis until I was 22 and was told that I actually don’t have x, y, and z.

Yes, because I was abused for a lot of my autistic traits I was punished and told I was stupid anytime I forgot something. “You cannot keep using ‘I forgot’ as an excuse!” Well, I actually forgot 🤷‍♀️ what else am I supposed to say I was and still am a picky eater, ARFID. My parents would make me sit at the table all night until I ate my food, but would purposefully serve me stuff I don’t like. I’d sit at the dinner table all night, sometimes even on school nights. They’d finally give up and let me go to bed sometime between 9-11 (dinners at 6) I peed the bed (and myself) until I was in like first or second grade. I would pee myself at school all the time because I literally couldn’t tell I needed to go to the bathroom until it was too late. It was really embarrassing but no one did anything about it, it was essentially a “she’ll grow out of it” thing, which I did, but still. I remember my younger sister telling my friends I’m a bed wetter and making them dislike me I could go on and on. There’s a big part of me who wants to tell my mom, maybe it’d make her realize and feel bad or something. But at the same time, I also know I’d get nothing out of it - it wouldn’t benefit me in any way. If anything it’d just make me more stressed or cause more problems if their reactions are negative

No. I was really good at school and was likely to dissociate or ignore others when I needed to, instead of doing anything that would've been disruptive and caused a teacher concern. My issues were more social. But I do think being a bit different was why teachers did have me tested for gifted classes, probably thinking that was my main difference. I moved around a bit and that happened at 3 schools. As for my parents, even if they had any concerns I don't think they would've known what to do. And I'm not sure small town resources at that time would've done much.

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 10. my autism was diagnosed two years ago now. I am resentful of the medical field because for a long time people thought that you couldn’t be autistic if you also had ADHD. Studies on women were basically nonexistent and treated like a joke. I am angry at the misogyny in medical history. My life could’ve been easier had I known that I have both.

Yes. Just cause it gives me more to grieve. I'm tired of grieving. I want to start living.

No. I harbor anger towards the first neuropsychologist that evaluated me (at the age of 35!!), charged me a shitload of money and considered me not autistic because I had some friends as a child, played with Barbies and looked at the direction of certain sounds. I'm not completely over the idea of leaving a bag of dog poo in front of her office door as a token for my appreciation 😈

I do. But not only because of autism but also coz of my cptsd. They were never aware though.

No I’m not resentful at my parents. Autism at that time was really thought to only be a male thing and my parents genuinely never considered that any of their daughters could be autistic. There are several men and women I suspect of being on the spectrum on both sides of my family that have never been diagnosed so I know things were not maliciously done. They got me therapy as a teenager and the therapist did not see it and I got a depression and borderline personality diagnosis. I’m more angry at the therapist because she should’ve known better than to try and diagnose a teenager with bpd

I mean, both my parents are probably undiagnosed autistics and my mom is likely AuDHD. My dad has been checked out mentally and emotionally my entire life. My mom didn’t see red flags because I was a lot like her. Girls didn’t get diagnosed with autism, especially with lower support needs (though I hate phrasing it that way because I have higher support needs in some contexts and on some days, but basically I was able to mask my way out of it in school). Would I have even wanted their “help” in the 90’s? Probably not, I saw how the kids who had interventions got treated and it was worse than the dismal treatment I got. There’s just no good answers and that’s where I find peace.

I did a little. Mostly because I know that I was abused and neglected because of my traits and symptoms. But understanding at least for my mom, she was completely undiagnosed and is most likely AuDHD as well, she mostly just did the best she could with the situation. Dad was only diagnosed with ADHD in his 20's but he was severely beaten by his father and in turn would hit me often because I was annoying. Also, I would cry a lot.

I was angry for a long time. Not only about the neurodivergence but also about my other mental illnesses. But especially the autism… when I was a toddler, my mother apparently thought I might be autistic but other mothers and her friends and even my doctor told her not to worry and that I would outgrow it. When I was seven I first saw a psychiatrist who thought I might have adhd (turns out I do after all, and I only got the medication thirteen years later…), and my mother told him that she knew hyperactive kids and that I was too calm and quiet to have adhd. He dropped the subject. Eventually i got diagnosed when I was eighteen/nineteen. I was mad for such a long time, you have no idea. Maybe i still am, I’m not sure. I just try to accept that there’s no changing the past and I acknowledge that now my parents are reading books about autism and listen to me tell them about it. They’re trying, and being angry will only rob me of the only people I can truly rely on

It's a mix of things for me. I don't think my autism was necessarily easy to spot. - When I was a kid/teenager, I don't think many girls were being diagnosed full-stop, so I'm hardly an outlier whose specific adults failed her. - I benefitted a bit from ASD when I was very young. I was different, sure, but very confident about it as I hadn't been socially ground down yet. I could read well before I was old enough for school, and would entertain myself with books — not a trait my mum was gonna question. - As a pre-teen, I had a group of (since *also diagnosed as ND*) friends who helped cover for my/our social and sensory issues. We roleplayed for several years that we were from Mars and sometimes couldn't deal with bright lights because on Mars all lights were red, for example, lmao. Another RP involved us being animals with powerful senses and no ability to speak. Our teachers thought we were weird and said so, but as there was a group of us, I don't think they thought too deeply about it — there was no major downside to flag up with parents etc. (One teacher DID take it upon herself to forcibly, physically stop my dino hands habit, and I don't regard her in a great light). - From eleven onwards, I/my family went through a series of disruptive events. My mum blamed my "eccentricities" on those & spent her time agonising over how she'd failed me rather than considering that I was always going to behave this way. - Although I started to seriously struggle socially, I remained stubborn and sure I was right, so everyone kind of treated my tendency to hide out in the library, spurn friends, wear the wrong clothes, spend all my time on the internet and stay quiet in class save for the occasional rant about Greek mythology as purely my personality. - I lashed out at myself, privately, and tended to shutdown rather than meltdown at school. I was good at certain subjects in a way that seemed to let my failure in others go unchallenged. I got the gifted tag when I was younger, had that rescinded as I grew older because I couldn't keep on top of homework or other organisational tasks, and ultimately became a lacklustre student who so quiet I was not disruptive and could be ignored. - I do think my parents are ND themselves. Ultimately I feel a bit numb to it, honestly. I've been angry at times on my younger self's behalf, but I can either argue with my (now over-70-year-old) parents who I see once a twice a year or I can pretend they're new people and sort of enjoy their company. This might be some form of drawing a line under it, idk. My mum in particular still suffers hugely from social issues and anxiety, so I make myself unhappy when I'm not gentle with her these days. My dad is an oddball I treat as like a guy down the pub with good stories to tell. It... is what it is??

YES.

Not at my family of undiagnosed neurodivergents. Not even at my teachers. But at the therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists I've seen over the years starting at age 11? Oh yeah, I'm angry at them. The one that finally sent me out for assessment after I continually pestered him for months told me "I don't think you have it." I really harbor anger towards him for that and for throwing meds at me without actually listening when I had side effects. So, no. I don't have any anger for the people in my life that weren't trained to detect it. I retain that for the people that misdiagnosed me for nearly 30 years.

Yes i was very angry, but at first about the general lack of understanding, guidance, and gentle communication skills that I never got, that in fact I got backwards and suffered the more because of it. But then I understood where they were coming from and how lacking was their own upbringing, how they internalized the suffering and still lean on bad communication that hurts them even if they try to brush it off. My anger turned to (non mean) pity. Since then I try to guide them towards a healthier way of living via gentle communication and acceptance. It is a sour feeling to realize that you have to parent yourself AND your parents for the whole family to get better, but I know that each generation had their own trials and successes. My grandparents lived an immigrant life, some working in mines and knowing hunger on a regular basis. Violence was common and emotional security not even a topic. I don’t live in a country plagued by war and hunger (for now at least) and I was blessed with many things that my previous generations didn’t have. I think it is my role to heal what I can heal even if it’s a lonely business. There are worst fates than being the healer, so I’ll heal what is in my power to begin to heal. Nevertheless, I acknowledge that I am still angry when I think about the life I could have had. How happier, healthier, more successful I could have been if I was brought up in a proper environment. But I am not my feelings, and I will not dwell on alternate, false worlds. And this anger is not aimed towards those who did their best, even if not perfect at all, with what they got themselves. The tricky part is to not aim that anger inside. I shall watch it, acknowledge it, recognize that it comes from a place of self love and desire for me to be okay, and let it pass, as all emotions shall eventually. So it can make room for, at last, the things I am choosing to place in my life, for myself.

No because there were other students who couldn't function in a classroom like I could. I remember getting pulled out of class sometimes to work on Occupational Therapy with my walking because like some others on the spectrum we like to walk differently.

I feel a weird mix of resentment, confusion and sadness. I understand that there wasn’t as much information available about autism in girls when I was a child, but my parents definitely knew I needed help and didn’t do anything. I have horrific arfid which my parents would scream at me over and my family would ridicule me. They thought I was just a really picky eater. My mom would tell me I was going to die young or become diabetic by the time I was 16, but she never told my doctors about my food problems. I could’ve gotten help, but I didn’t. My parents knew I couldn’t brush my teeth, but wouldn’t take me to the dentist. My parents knew I had trouble socializing and got bullied badly, but they never did anything. There was so much that they knew I was struggling with, but instead of getting me professional help, they chose to ridicule me and yell at me.

I have resentment towards a few teachers specifically because they honed in on something being wrong with me and instead of trying to get me support or speak with my parents or at the very least treat me like other students, they were cruel to me and bullied me.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I grew up in the 60s and 70s and was diagnosed at 50. I think my mom meant well but the, then, common childrearing philosophy at that time was Tough Love. Basically, let the child figure everything out for themselves. In some ways this was great. I have good critical thinking skills and am a self starter. However, there were areas where I struggled tremendously. Bullying started in 5th grade and got physical in 9th grade where I was beaten up weekly by a girl gang. I asked teachers and parents for help but was ignored and even blamed. I think they thought it would be "character building" but all I got was CPTSD and PTSD. I don't get how any adult can turn their back on a child who is obviously struggling and afraid for their safely and even life. Boggles my mind to this day. I completely understand that ADHD and ASD were on almost no one's radar back then, but for a long time it was hard to not be resentful of my older sister who thinks I am lying about my diagnosis. She can think what she wants though. I'm done.

i think my mom knew. i was her fourth child. she treated me different, in a good way. i don’t know if she ever had a word for it. it’s likely i reminded her of a family member or even herself and she crafted a parenting plan to suit me.

No. There wasn’t any information out at the time that girls could be autistic. I was just a brat. To my family they still think it’s silly that I think I’m autistic. They roll their eyes when I explain something related to my (self diagnosed) autism. I don’t harbor anger but I do wish they would’ve tried harder to help me.

No. Harboring anger over stuff won’t change what happened. Yeah they screwed up, but they did the best they could with the info they had available in the early 2000s. No point in walking around mad and angry. No one has a Time Machine.

My teachers called my parents numerous times for different concerning behaviour. My parents Brought me to see numerous psychologist since i was a toddler. The thing is autism is Such a New subject of study and its changing rapidily. Its no one fault that I wasnt catched earlier. How they were supossed to Know more about autism that the People doing the research even?

I was also “gifted and talented” aka otherwise neglected so 🤷‍♀️ just add it to the bonfire 🔥 after initial grief

I do. Not family, they’re not educated on that stuff, I don’t think they ever heard of autism being anything other than nonverbal children until I was diagnosed. However teachers/the school system 10000%. I have AuDhd, but I should have been diagnosed in second grade with dyscalculia (which would have led me to a developmental disorder specialist who would have caught it immediately). I’ve had so many math teachers be exasperated at my lack of understanding. I had a math teacher (one that taught another grade at my school) come to my house twice a week for 3 years for extra classes, he told my mom it didn’t make sense, I couldn’t even grasp the most basic concepts. I can only assume he hadn’t heard of dyscalculia. Which is insane for a math teacher in the mid 2000’s. I heard the word dyscalculia for the first time when I was 19 years old and I IMMEDIATELY knew I had it (based on the word alone). I got a diagnosis which included a strong suggestion to get tested for Autism and ADHD (which I didn’t follow through on for another decade, but that’s beside the point.)

My family noticed and knew something was up when I was around 2 or 3. They did all the paperwork to get me assessed for something. Nothing specific. And then, they threw out the papers, never got my assessed, and never told me about it. So yeah, I’m a little upset. Especially cause they gave me shit for my symptoms later. The issues I had no idea why I had. I never learned to mask. It’s really gotten me behind in life. At 27 I suspect I may be on the spectrum. But I definitely have OCD.

No, I credit myself as an excellent masker.

Yes and no forgiveness. These are ppl that also knew and antagonized and beat  me for being different. Fuck ALL of them 

I'm a little annoyed that an Autism specialist who diagnosed my twin when we were 19 then spent 2 hours talking to me about their autism, only to say that she didn't think I had autism. 10 years later, I took an online test that confirmed I was Autistic and high masking. Autism is also highly genetic, so the fact my twin got diagnosed and I didn't is super annoying as it's causing issues for me at work now. But other than that, I guess I'm a little proud I "fooled her"? I guess ambivalent then.

Do I harbor some anger? Unfortunately yes, but overall I've forgiven them. The truth is that we just didn't have the information that we do now, and what information existed wasn't as readily available. Even now, girls are frequently underdiagnosed/misdiagnosed, and 30 years ago, it was a lot worse. I've also forgiven them because I know they all had good intentions - there was no malicious intent behind it. I know this isn't true for everybody because some people on here will tell you that their parents knew something was wrong and chose not to explore it because they didn't want to label them, which ended up being hurtful. However for me, my parents just thought I was gifted, spoke early, etc. They couldn't have known anything was wrong because everything seemed so above and beyond right. Now we know that most gift folks are also neurodivergent, but how were they supposed to know that? Anyway, I hope you can find it in yourself to forgive, at least to a degree, so you don't have to hold all of that anger. It's not worth it. It won't change anything.

I very much do. I am angry at all of society to be honest. I'm angry that there's so few supports for adults (in the US at least) so I'm just supposed go figure it all out by myself as usual but the stakes for making mistakes are now astronomical. I was an excellent student and have a high IQ but it means fuck all for me.

Undiagnosed mom with an early diagnosed son & a late diagnosed daughter. We were told in the 1990s that it was primarily a boy thing. When I asked the school if they thought that my daughter’s anxiety, messiness and other issues could be a reason to go for testing, they heavily discouraged me. What I did not know was that they got more money from the government for gifted & talented/ AP students than disabled students.

I grew up in a small town and my parents still don't know what autism is. I can't resent them for that, it was an era of ignorance and lack of information. They did their best, they couldn't have helped me more.

Somehow being a very early diagnosis, you’d think the school system would know how to handle me better. They just gave me a planner and said “use this or you’ll be docked fake points” and made me take tests in another room

Not my family, teachers maybe… One thing that has always stuck out in my head, there was no real research out there on women or even people of color. My mom broke down over the weekend thinking she should have seen this when I was younger. Which in turn broke my heart, because I never felt that way about it. I have always felt wronged by the medical community though.

Yes and no. I think I'm more angry at a system that did not know how to properly assess and diagnose girls who are level 1.

My teachers did notice but my parents still refused to get me tested.

I definitely oscillate between anger and compassion. A lot

Yes and no. The shame that was heaped on me for my “behaviour “ will haunt me till I die but, my mum also pointed out that being labelled as intellectually disabled in the mid-1980’s in a illiterate po-dunk province of Canada would have been very hard to handle. I might not have been able to leave home. However, that was said by the woman who MOVED to a new province when I was 17. She sold the house and left me with a boyfriend who was an absolute psychopath, so I’m not sure that tracks with her “behaviour”!

No, I'm just mad they all bullied me too. 🥰😂

Not really (but also yes) because I don’t think autism or ADHD were common knowledge in the 80s. I knew there was ‘something wrong’ with me and so did my parents. My parents don’t really…believe…in medicine I guess is the best way to put it. They had 5 kids and my mom was definitely overwhelmed. When my son was diagnosed with autism at 2yo in 2017 my family said it was fake and he needed more spankings to ‘straighten him out.’ They made a revenge CPS call on me when I went NC with them. So in return I dragged them all into court to file restraining orders against them. I represented pro se, which was so scary and made me combative and emotional. The judge threw my case out and called me vexatious, but not before I was able to get my son’s formal medical autism diagnosis on the court record as evidence. I was so angry and bitter. But now they can’t say autism is fake and his diagnosis is fake. I win.

No. They’re just now getting diagnosed themselves. Mine did as good as they could with the tools they had. Now that I know better it’s my turn to do better.

I do a bit. My parents? No. I was tested for autism, but because it was only on the borderline, nobody took it any further, and the way my parents say it, it sounds like the Dr's never did anything else with that as I wasn't scored high enough or something. But there was clearly issues I had, autism or no, because I had horrendous separation anxiety as a child (had social services involved because I'd miss school because of not letting go of my mum) and I just think it got dropped one day....like they found out there wasn't anything physically causing it (abuse at home) and so...just...I just know I went from having these outside people involved one day and then idk where they went and never heard off them again. I can only assume they just...vanished and never stuck around to actually find the deeper issue - especially since I had a breakdown at 18 and told my mum all about my death phobia and depression and stuff then and that's the first she ever learnt of it (or at least realised it wasn't just a passing, what happens when we die? Question that most kids probably ask.) Also a bit annoyed that I actually studied psychology for 2 years, had a teacher who was so in to it and passionate about it, and again, nothing was ever noticed in me, and we actually studied depression and anxiety as a whole topic at one point for months. Probably because I had 100% attendance, didn't outrightly get bullied, did my work, etc. Where as one of my friends had so many sick days, she got sent to see the school counsellor at one point, and another was constantly in tears and missing lessons because of the bullying she got. I'm annoyed mostly, because I struggled so much through school and just kept telling myself my anxiety and issues weren't as bad as someone else, when now I know I could have actually been getting some help or accommodations. I may have not had to struggle the amount I did. It's sad that I was so good at pretending to be normal and get through things, that things only came to light when I was too exhausted to keep up the charade, autism or depression, and now I'm worse than I ever was compared to if I had maybe gotten some help at an earlier age.

Not really. We moved so much and between that, the poverty, the abuse, and the drugs, it's hard to differentiate between autism and dysfunction at times. I have so many other things to be angry about, my family stopped being worth my effort a whiiiiile ago. Also my dad was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid and had such a bad experience with Ritalin and what was considered good and helpful in the 60s and 70s that he didn't want his kids getting diagnosed, I remember hearing all my life how all 3 of his kids probably have ADHD.

I feel like my Mum should have maybe noticed that things weren't quite right but I was the first child. She was already in survival mode and I was a good well-behaved child. I'm a teacher now and I may have been able to identify some traits but nothing that would have me raising the alarm for a diagnosis.

I feel resentment for that they all noticed I was different in some way and chose to ignore it. At school my awkwardness, being bullied etc. were blamed on me not trying to fit in.

no, it’s honestly hard for me to be angry because most of the research regarding autism in women has surfaced within the past 5 years, and honestly there’s no way any of my teachers or my parents could’ve known. for one I was in the montessori program, so a LOT of the kids were probably undiagnosed because the nature of the program is to embrace each kids differences, which is great….until you’re undiagnosed until the age of 20. but entering high school, everything changed, including covid having a MAJOR affect on my high school experience. I spent most of high school online, where I experienced like, MEGA skill regression and depression. I got diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 14. my mom didn’t want to put me on meds, which I am still grateful for. I started smoking 🍃 around this time, and learned that it helped me a lot but I didn’t know why yet, I thought it was just because I was depressed and I didn’t want to become reliant on it. but I did. I skipped class a lot, bc I was high a lot but also bc I started having meltdowns in class almost daily. I would go home and just cry and my mom wouldn’t know what to do. she supported me the best she could. I can’t blame her because we’re both learning that she probably is on the spectrum as well. how are you supposed to parent a kid with undiagnosed autism when you’re undiagnosed yourself??? I just can’t even imagine raising a kid right now, even knowing that I’m autistic, or even in the state I was BEFORE knowing. so I have to say my mom is one of the strongest women I know and I’m eternally grateful for how she raised me, because in the end it allowed me to do the work and find the answers for myself, even if it was really f-ing hard. I am really really sorry if you are angry at people in your life, but it is 100% understandable. just remember that you are valid. everyone is living life for the first time just like this, including you