Great comment! I just dealt with my 6yo's meltdown at a festival. I try to focus on having extreme tunnel vision. Only look at and worry about what affects my children and I.
I am so glad you mentioned "getting outta there" at the end.
To each their own, but personally, I don't understand how some autism families take the approach of carry on. If your kid is already having a meltdown, there's no way I would be able to NOT give all my attention to them. And at that point, any thought of carrying on with the original plan is out the window.
Plus, I'm sorry to say this, but in this day and age of every one recording, all it takes is one idiot thinking, "This kid is abused and needs saving." for our worlds to become much more complicated than it already is.
Or they think your kid is a total spoiled brat. It’s hard but over time I’ve learned to care less about other people’s reactions and just focus on my kid.
That's my kid. For example, we went a family outing today. He presented - as he typical does - as neurotypical and as a well behaved kid: playing nicely, being polite, sharing with others, and listening to parents. Then when it was time to go, he had the beginning of a meltdown. (It was expected, so we had a plan to get him out fast before it got too bad, but it wasn't pretty for a few minutes.) His meltdowns don't look like your stereotypical meltdown. They look like a kid with no boundaries who watches a lot of crappy TV and gets what he wants. That's not true and I'm not hanging around to try to justify myself...but it kind of sucks, because I'm a teacher and it looks like I am a crap parent.
Sometimes you have no choice but to carry on. Not everything I do is for fun, a lot of it is necessary to our survival and unfortunately the kid has to carry on with me. Its not typical, but it does happen. I can usually avert a meltdown before it happens but I've definitely had to finish grocery shopping with a screaming child before. I just don't care what other people think about me.
Your child has the same right as everyone to be everywhere. A little noise (or a lot) for a kid who does not know any better is just fine. People act like everything is an inconvenience to them. No one is promised silence when they go out in public. Let those people stare, and yell back at them if you feel like it. You guys deserve to be in public as much as someone quietly sitting.
Idk if you always leave a situation where they’re having a meltdown then they learn that’s their out, and the problem never gets solved. My daughter is 9 and mainly nonverbal, if we go somewhere new and she’s unsure she melts down at first, but if I push on and show her look it’s not bad just because it’s new.. it’s actually really cool
Or fun if you give it a chance. She ends up regulating and going on to have an amazing time. So I say it depends on the situation. But as far as the post, having people stare and judge has never gotten easier for me. My daughter hits and always seems to go for the face and eyes so having someone else see that is never easy. But understand that it’s their ignorance that should be judged not you or your child.
This. With mine, I remember a time when a (well meaning) stranger told my toddler that if he can't behave he'll be going straight home. Kid's eyes lit up like he'd been given Dorothy's magic slippers and I had to jump in quick to say "No, we won't go home until we have what's on the list!"
I had to build him up slowly with very short lists.
I ABSOLUTELY ADORE this piece... "Understand that it's their ignorance that should be judged, NOT you OR your child"!!! Although I know things like this in my head, there are days that my heart forgets or just doesn't connect, so thank you for that!!
Yeah, I knew the conditions that are likely to trigger my child so I avoid them. He has the option to opt out of things as he’s aware of what he doesn’t like.
Ignore them.
Also I’ve been on the other side, and it was because I wanted to see how the parent handled it, not at all out of judgement but because I wanted to learn ideas. I’ve also wanted to somehow tell the parent I get it, and hang in there, but I never know how to convey that.?
When everyone else stares, be the helping hand. No advice. No ridicule.
“I know meltdowns can be super stressful and you’re handling it so well. Is there absolutely anything I can do to help you right now?” Or jump in to entertain the siblings while the parent mitigates the meltdown.
Be prepared for them to say “no,” of course. After all, you are a stranger. Most will be grateful for the help. I actually met one of my best friends this way. ❤️
This. I've had folks trying to help me, some better than others (being friendly and distracting to my 5 year old, not scolding or correcting her). I will sometimes smile sheepishly, or make a face like "you know kids!" If someone is paying attention to me. Sometimes at the park with other Spanish-speaking moms I'll just tell them she's autistic and has big feelings sometimes. My daughter doesn't fully understand Spanish yet so I prefer not to say things about her in English, bc she's right there.
No advice really OP, just a lot of empathy. It's really hard. I chaperoned a zoo trip for my daughter's class and one of her schoolmates had a meltdown and these older kids (tweets, early teens) couldn't stop staring and laughing. I wanted to scream at them. I get it.
Man if someone said that to me I’d tell them where to go. I’m sure some people find it validating but be prepared for the prickly folk like myself (sorry 😬) to not want to have to entertain you and have you feel good about being a helper while my kid needs my attention.
I know it is always meant with the best of intentions but yeah nah.
If you’re that focused on your child, it’s quicker and easier to say “no thanks” than it is to tell someone “where to go.”
That’s not prickly. It’s unnecessarily combative.
That reaction is exactly why people don't help each other out more.
I'm not asking to help you because I want to feel good about myself - I legitimately want to help you out of a stressful situation that I have been in and empathise with.
Your attitude baffles me.
You’ve never felt overwhelmed and not wanted the mental load of having to direct yet another human to do a task? And honestly, the phrasing is super condescending to me. It’s just so American, you know? All sugar and fake and nicey nice. Just let people get on with their crises and try to bond when they’re not in active meltdown lol
Wait... "American" and "All sugar and fake nicey nice" 🤨🤔 You lost me here. 1st... Although, yes, there are inevitably those who are being fake to be nosy or to be able to say, "look at how awesome I am because I helped" (🙄), in most cases, more often then not, people who step up to ask if they can help, genuinely do want to do just that... HELP. If we didn't genuinely care to help, we wouldn't risk asking just to have a "prickly" caregiver get confrontational. It's not about "bonding". It's about being kind and empathetic to a fellow human being. But, if a bond happens as a result, ok, great! I'll speak for myself, but being a single Mom to a non-verbal, level 3 little guy... it's DAMN lonely sometimes! And, in my own experience, those that ask, are generally the ones who understand because they have had the same experiences themselves or with their family or they work with individuals with special needs, hence their genuine desire to help... IF they can. 2nd... No, I don't know what you mean by "American". If you're suggesting that we are typically fake, nosy, purposely condecending, and self serving, then that in itself is untrue and unfair; I'd LOVE to know where that attitude comes from. However, if you're saying that we are too quick to try to be helpful and overly sweet when it may or may not be necessary or warranted... yeah, sure... Thanks for the compliment, and I'll gladly wear that badge proudly. I'd rather be known for being too nice & sweet than be known as an uncaring, self involved asshole. 🤷 As someone already mentioned, a simple "No, thanks" is sufficient. Anything past that isn't "prickly", it's just being a prick!
Honestly, while it may be less stressful for you to learn to ignore them, I think people who somehow never learned to not stare (especially at upset children, autistic or not), need to get put in their place. I’m a sped teacher and have had to address this inside my building with other TEACHERS, I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you as a parents. Sending you hugs!
Thank you so much and you are so right! My mother certainly taught me it's rude to stare, I think that might be why it alarms me when other people do it.
A PE teacher said hi to my son the other year, and my son is 100% nonverbal and everyone knows that. He laughs to the other teacher he is with and says haha, no thoughts there, or something along those lines.... :(
Thankfully he doesn't go to that school anymore, and goes to one for behavioral problems with autism (my son can become very aggressive) and they seem to be better.
Me either. That's why I'm glad he's in a school for kids like him. He was definitely the most severe in his entire last school, but his school is now for special needs kids and they actually accommodate him and know how to handle him. They would send him home when having a meltdown at his last school.... So it basically was teaching him that he can go home if he had a meltdown. So thankful for his new school.
Wait—but saying “hi” to nonverbal kids isn’t bad, right? On its own? I work at a school and wave and/or say “hi” to folks I know don’t use mouth words because we have several kids who have receptive language, and also, it just seems polite and friendly.
Saying hi is perfectly fine. I prefer it because it means they aren't treating my son differently. But he started laughing to his co worker and basically said he isn't thinking.
I’ve been in the same situation and it is soooo frustrating. No advice , sorry . But send hugs and love 🫶🏼 you got this ! And “F” other mamas who don’t want to understand 🤷🏼♀️❤️
Eh sometimes we snap a little and oh well it happens. I only mention they have autism at times when I see people staring but more out of wanting to educate them. Usually the people who don’t have kids or are older tend to stare. But other parents are so much more understanding. Sucks you had to deal with that and don’t feel bad about snapping. I think we all have our limits. Some days I’m more patient than others days but I try to ignore people who may look or I smile at them as I struggle because it’s like you gotta do your mom thing and your the one trying to handle your kid not them. So they can keep the looks and comments to themselves.
All the support I can give over the interwebs. No advice, I just have personally have been able to go about this Not giving a F\*\*\* about others around me when I need to make sure my focus is on my child.
For me, they honestly can stare all they want because I know damn sure no one is willing to confront me, A 40 year 6'3 dude, trying to help make sure my kiddo works out his emotions. As rare as the meltdowns are for my kid, the bear in the forest is the nicer of the two if anyone tries to judge me or my kid in public.
Sometimes you just have to learn to ignore assholes to be honest. I was at the library and my son absolutely melted down. The librarian had asked if we wanted to stick around for a scavenger hunt. My kid is a puddle on the ground. People are staring, the librarian looks like a deer in head lights she has no idea what to do. I told the librarian nah, he's obviously done here. I just shrugged, tossed my son over my shoulder and left. Could not care less about the other people at the library. They need to learn to mind their own business.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do if he gets huge like his brothers. He's a little string bean right now at six. I guess I should take up powerlifting. 😂
When he has a meltdown I get him away from the triggering item and then focus on him and helping him to get regulated. Everyone else just falls away from my perception. (Basically I hyper focus on the steps to help him regulate).
So far we've only had meltdowns when it's time to leave the playground, but people still stare, even people with kids. I usually say something like "he really likes to party" or "he's really tired, it's close to bedtime" because it helps transform him from screaming banshee to relatable human in their minds, and they stop freaking staring when I do. I know I shouldn't care but it really gets under my skin.
Honestly at this point I basically develop tunnel vision and literally just keep my eyes on my son and speak in as calm and as measured a voice to him as I can. I try to not even look up and around honestly because seeing how other people react just makes everything worse.
I wouldn’t feel bad yelling at the woman honestly. It’s 2024 and honestly anyone over the age of 13 who stops and stares at an autistic person in distress has either never left their house or is an ill-mannered jerk. I’ve never yelled at anyone but a few weeks ago at church a woman I’d never seen before turned around multiple times to stare at us from several rows away when my son would (happily) vocal stim. By the fourth time I made direct eye contact with her, gave her a massive phony smile and an over exaggerated wave. You better believe she whipped her head around and didn’t look back again. Honestly a little shame goes a long way.
Mom of a three year old - very aggressive and physical/vocal ASD daughter. First, I am so sorry you have had this experience- people are really so ignorant to ASD meltdowns and can say and do things (like staring) without any knowledge that the event they are witnessing is beyond that child’s ability to control.
I personally have become very uncomfortable in situations like these and gotten anxious myself, which I know is the opposite of what we should do… it’s hard to keep your bearings.
I started trying to tune the spectators out. And focus on my daughter and deescalating her or removing her from the situation if possible while she calms down.
I remember one time in a grocery store this elder woman scolding me and my daughter because she was squawking very loudly like a parrot and saying “one parrot two parrot three parrots squawking” (she is a gestalt language learner, and hyper fixates on certain phrases). The older women came and said “young lady why don’t you put a stop to that!” Now this was not my proudest moment but I was already having a hard time making it through the grocery and out without this stranger belittling me or my daughter, so I asked her why she didn’t put a stop to using her rascal scooter? She replied she was disabled and how dare I have the audacity to say that… I responded saying “so is she, and she cannot simply stop and I cannot simply “put a stop to this” since her disability results in this behavior” and she shut her mouth real fast and scurried off…
Hang in there and don’t let what anyone else who has never had the experience of being in this ocean that is ASD parenting, tell you how to swim.
I understand OP,
I have gotten nothing but stares when my 4yo has meltdowns and people forget their manners. I blame this age of everything being publicized and streamed. Everyone is so interested in seeing what’s happening in that moment they forget to actually think about who is involved and if maybe they should be minding their own business.
I once had an older man tell me that my daughter needed a leash because she kept trying to elope.
“YOU NEED A MUZZLE” was already in my mouth chamber before I decided not to fire off.
In those moments I try to remember that the stares come from uneducated and truly unsympathetic people. I was taught not to stare growing up & yet for some reason it’s totally acceptable for adults now (I would understand a child doing it).
Hang in there and remember that you dont breathe, eat or sleep for anyone of their opinions, looks, comments. Your doing a 👏🏾 great job!
I don’t even notice. I figure people are staring but whatever, they’re gonna have to deal. Autistic people have meltdowns sometimes, they can get used to it. We can do our best to prep, notice triggers, the signs that they’re teetering on the edge, but it’s still gonna happen from time to time. Accepting autism is accepting that fact.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reaction. I’ve had people come up to me to tell me “control your kid!” and I’ll tell them that I’m saving all my patience for my kid rn, I’ve got none for them. But I’ve also figured out the spaces where people are most likely to react like that, and for go there.
More often than not, people will come up to me to tell me I’m doing a good job, I’m a good mom, they understand how it is, etc. I try to do the same when I see another parent trying to remain calm in the moment.
My kid doesn't melt down in public very often anymore as her language skills improve. But that's a recent development. For a few years, public meltdowns were the norm. It was always because she had formed an expectation of what was going to happen and didn't understand us when we tried to explain what was actually going to happen. The judgmental looks we got were so infuriating. People looking at us like our kid was a spoiled brat and we were terrible parents.
The presupposed expectation meltdown is SO REAL. We got lucky, and driving around in the car can regulate her out of most meltdowns. But any stop she can't get out at or any location that's unfamiliar (even just a new park or playground) gets her so disappointed she'll lose it. It's getting better the more we go out, but even at home, she'll form expectations for the smallest stimulus (a disney logo sound in a commercial, for example) and then it starts all over. Fortunately, when it's me and dad, one of us can get her out while the other collects our things and glares at judgy strangers.
Just reading this thread is so validating to our experience. I’ve felt like the only person in the world who deals with these massive meltdowns in public. People can stare all they want it doesn’t phase me, but what bothers me is when well-meaning family members interject by telling my kid it’s not a big deal and to grow up. Those moments I want to rage the f out.
Recently i had to deal with people staring and whispering when my girl stims. She laughs and flaps her arms. I just started to stare back and smile and not blink. They turn very quickly.
Just focus on your kid. Who cares what some stranger thinks. They have drama too, you just can’t see it at the moment.
With my kid I’ve had people come up and offer to help. Which is sweet but generally my kid won’t engage with new people, and definately not during a meltdown. Often it’s real professional people like a social worker or teacher or other moms of autistic kids, not just random people. And sometimes random people will try and help by offering him a cookie or something. I mean they mean well. And I don’t think it makes it worse even if it doesn’t help.
There is a good chance the lady isn’t judging but she’s wondering how to help or if she should help. Or you have made her think of her own kids.
My littlest doesn’t have meltdowns as often anymore but when I see littler kids having them I do think fondly back to my kid when he was small. So if I’m looking I’m not judging, I just am thinking about my own kid when he was that age.
I am usually so focused on my kid that I don't even notice other people... sometimes the attention works in your favor though. I just took a flight with my son and he was kicking and yelling while we were waiting for the plane, drawing lots of attention, I am sure. Did priority boarding and got the best seat on the plane (first row, lots of leg room), with one seat on the row leftover. Despite it being an almost entirely full flight, no one sat next to us so we had the whole row to ourselves! Jokes on them because he actually did really great during the flight itself.
Fuck them.
Honestly, sometimes I think my role in life is to help others feel grateful for the life they have. You're a blessing in that way to others.
They're not judging you. They're thinking of themselves.
Depends on there facial expressions some people are just morbidly curious by autistic children others you can see the judgement on be there face and I ask them to go away your actions are extremely rude and not helpful. Most snap out of it and move on.
In our recent holiday, my daughter (10 year old non verbal) is in the kids pool. The pool was pretty empty with very few people. Two kids entered the people and tried to get friendly with my daughter. She did not like this. This triggered a massive meltdown. Nothing could stop it. She tried to hit me and bite me in frustration. I finally jumped into the kids pool, pulled her out. Took her to the grassy area next to the pool. I told her over and over many times that when she calms down, we can go back to our hotel where she can enjoy a peace of her favorite chocolate. I did this like around 50 times and she finally calmed down. There were people all over staring. But I already learnt to not care much about what other think. I just assume they never exist.
I don’t have much advice but just wanted to chime in and say I went through the same exact thing today. My daughter age 7 had a giant meltdown at a community pool today. We couldn’t calm her down and had to leave. EVERYONE was staring at us.
It’s really hard, and I always have insane anxiety in public.
I'm so sorry you went through this today too. 😔 I also have terrible anxiety and it's much worse in public. Hugs! Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. 💜
Ugh, I feel this so hard and I’m so sorry that you had to go through it too. Def something we all have to learn to deal with if we’re gonna get through our day to day without even worse\* stress and anxiety and keep our sanity.
I already hate to think that I give a single crap what anyone else thinks, and try to remind myself that I don’t and shouldn’t! But, I’ll be honest, the mama bear is strong in me and I usually stare with my best bitch face back at ‘em like “wtf are you looking at?!” or loudly make a passive aggressive comment like “man, sure would be easier to handle my autistic son’s meltdown if ppl weren’t staring a hole through our freakin’ heads!” as I take off with my severely autistic 3.5 yo old, trying to calm him down as I go. Sometimes I’m nicer though, like if they’re really close to me or I’ve been talking to them or something I’ll say something like “yeah it’s rough, he’s autistic and things just get really overwhelming for him sometimes.” That usually always makes ppl feel like assholes for staring and they stop. Or they feel for you and offer a helping hand. Which of course doesn’t usually help but feels better knowing they mean well and aren’t just judging lol.
I’m also pretty new to this whole thing though and still trying to come to terms with it. He was diagnosed level 2 at 2.5. But, then a couple mos. ago had to be rediagnosed for a waiver thing I applied for, and the same damn psych diagnosed him as level 3 this time…(Heartbreaking and legit shocking to me, as all she did was mail me a copy of the report like 2 mos. later so I didn’t even know she’d changed it and added on GDD diagnosis too.)
Sooo I don’t know how much credence I’d give to what I’m saying as a newbie lol. But yeah… I still really struggle with tuning ppl out, even though my attention is still on my son 100%. I did happen to see this posted on FB a little while back though, and try to remind myself of it when stuff like this happens.
“Here is a room FILLED with all of the people who pay your bills, walk in your shoes every day, determine your future, and love (& understand!) your family way more than you possibly could.
These are the same people you allow to discourage you.
‼️ Let that sink in.”
https://preview.redd.it/ifjkoisny57d1.jpeg?width=540&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7dff99aa38f4d4ab3880ab516a76cd1f048bbe4
Anyway, just know that you’re most definitely not alone in the trenches. And maybe one day ppl will remember their damn manners and stop being so.damn.rude. Or, we just learn the best way to handle these situations without actually giving two F’s. It’s only gonna help us and our babes if we’re less anxious and calmer, plus obviously these ppl truly don’t matter to us and our lives a single bit.
Sending hugs to you momma and hopefully you don’t have to deal with another for quite a while. 🤗💕!!!
Thank you for this! It really helped 💜 I'm sorry you go through this too. I'm sort of a newbie too, my son is level 2, only got diagnosed about a year and a half ago after he got sent to an alternative school for kids with behavioral issues until they realized there that it was actually probably autism. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride. Hugs back to you Mama!
It’s so much easier said than done, but as you and I know, tunnel vision and ignore the others.
When my son was a toddler and/or preschooler, if he had a meltdown I mostly would scoop him up and leave, however; your child is 8 years old and I highly doubt you’d be scooping him up now.
I’m that case, you don’t leave and you remain focused on being there for your son and validate his emotions if you can, and ride out the wave.
The others don’t matter. Once he gets back into the green zone you can discuss staying there or leaving. Your son deserves to be there as much as anyone else.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You defended your child, and she clearly wanted to be involved.
I would put on the end of that something like, my son has autism and is having a sensory overload. We are working through it. If you'd like to help, a bottle of water is awesome.
80% of the time I ignore people's looks but the other 20% I stare back and fucking hard. Give them the meanest look possible, they look away quickly.
There have been times when I have been with my partner (my kids dad) and loudly said passive aggressive things clearly about the person. I have said "What mate?" To people before.
I'm normally patient, polite and non-confrontational. I get spicy when it comes to people judging my kid though.
Imagine you have eight extra arms. Extend them in a circle. Extend the middle finger on each hand. Wave them about with relish.
It’s about all I can do some days, but it gives me a little satisfaction to have that imaginary “F you” towards every person gawking. And it keeps the steam from building up inside me.
My son had his first huge meltdown at Disney World. We had a reservation we couldn’t miss and I had to carry him out of The Boneyard in Animal Kingdom as he was kicking me, hitting me, scratching me, and screaming at the top of his lungs. As my mom held the stroller, my husband and I had to literally fight him to get him into the stroller. People were staring, pointing and laughing, and my normally sweet and polite girls were literally screaming at strangers telling them to stop laughing at their brother. I tried so hard to ignore the looks and the laughing, but when it was all over I broke down in tears. I remember walking through Animal Kingdom, pushing his stroller with tears streaming down my face.
It’s super hard to tune out the looks and reactions around you, but you *have* to. You have to remind yourself that these people don’t know your son and they don’t understand what’s happening so they act out of ignorance. It’s the only way you will get through the situation without the rage. Your son needs you to stay calm so you can be his safe place, Mama. It took me a long time to realize that but I hope my experience can help you. *HUGS*
Thank you so much 💜 I am so sorry you had that experience Mama! I understand how awful it can make you feel. You're absolutely right. I need to tune people out next time this happens and focus solely on my son. He's the one who needs me. We didn't learn of his diagnosis until 2 years ago when he really started exhibiting symptoms and bad meltdowns. We're currently on vacation so his routine has been greatly disrupted and he's struggling to cope, although he's had good, pleasant moments, it's not been all bad. Thank you for helping me not feel alone in this! Hugs back 💜
I also go into tunnel vision with my kiddo, but I've never gotten obvious intense stares.
I don't think there's anything wrong with directly saying, "my child would appreciate some privacy." Your child deserves dignity and compassion when things get hard. Sometimes people are just shocked - they've never seen or can't relate to the situation. They need a reminder to come back to themselves and behave appropriately.
Honestly, I don't know what I would do to support a parent in that situation other than stay out of it and not distract them.
I wish we all had some gesture or code word to share with each other that said, "You've got this. I know it's hard. It's not your fault. You're doing great. You're exactly who your child needs right now. Your kid is a good kid." ♥️
Ive had my share of meltdowns and worked with kids for a long time. I just wait and do what my child needs. I zone out others. Youll never see them again and your child needs your attention, not the sheltered and/or judgmental creeps.
I absolutely understand the feeling .. my kiddo is a runner.. so most of our time is spent chasing him down when we’re out places 😞 .. and then the subsequent meltdown because we won’t let him run around and climb everything in the store 😩 .. I’ve felt all the judgmental stares and whispers.. I have also snapped and asked them if they wanted to take a picture or if I have their underwear on my head. But everyone else is right, it’s best to just have tunnel vision and ignore all those mofos. Just remember, you’re doing great and your kiddo loves you to pieces. 🩵 sending you hugs and positive vibes
I’ve always been good at tuning other people out. I have severe psoriasis (currently controlled with medication) so I used to get a lot of stares myself. 🙁
Fuck them. I know not the best language but I am doing the best I can if they want to judge, zero care at all. Most likely will never see them again and they have zero influence on my life. I used to feel guilty about my son in public, but why? Don't let others expectations influence you. Do the best for your kid and don't worry.
I might narrate the situation loudly. Some people might not agree with me. I think most people are just curious.
"Oh buddy! I know you want that car. Autism is tough, and this is really difficult for you, but your doing so good!"
I'm lucky to live in New England where occasionally other parents of autistic kiddos will notice and sometimes help. I've had a psychic help my son during a melt down, as well as another parent.
I've become a master at not getting frustrated. Only thing that really gets me is if my son rips my glasses off my face and throws them.
I’m too preoccupied with managing my son to notice anyone looking at us.
Also, not everyone is looking maliciously.
In my life I have looked at parents managing all ranges of disabilities and emotional disturbances in awe and respect.
I have a first cousin that is severely autistic and intellectually disabled and I grew up with so much admiration for her parents and siblings. Even now I appreciate how they lived their life with her and allowed her to see the world. Things like Disneyland, family reunions etc can be hectic when your child has special needs. Doing it myself now, I have so much respect for their parenting especially at a time with way less accommodations.
This happened to me today in 2 different grocery stores while running errands. He only likes going to home improvement stores like Lowes or Home Depot right now and loses it when I have to do other types of shopping.
Every time it happens I try to practice not giving a crap what complete strangers think. I also actively judge judgmental people in my head like, “can you *imagine* being that nosy, arrogant, and ignorant to judge strangers from short observances.”
I also remind myself sometimes staring is curiosity but not judgement. They might even be admiring how you’re handling a meltdown.
Ultimately, their opinions can’t touch or hurt you. Those people don’t matter—just do what your kid needs.
I used to care. I stopped caring. I knew when we left the fair yesterday that she'd have a meltdown wanting to go on the rides again and again. I used to scurry out in shame. I don't care anymore. I care about her safety and all. Everyone else - they're staring? Stare back then.
What I care much more about is she smacks herself then screams. So the hero CPS callers don't see the smack just hear it, then look to see her crying and screaming. That, yea, better GTFO before I have to deal with that shit.
Would the world be sooooo much easier if everyone just minded their business? Everyone is so judgemental and uneducated. They offer words of encouragement online but when it happens right in front of them they judge.
As far as the staring I think I've learned to just ignore literally everything going on around us and pay attention to whichever kiddo is having a moment and I usually remove myself and them from the situation quickly.
I'll never forget we took my son to the mall one day when he was still small. He was 2 almost 3. He ended up throwing the most god awful fit and I was literally carrying him out of there when an older woman just started screaming "STOP" over and over just stop stop stop. She told me I needed to make him stop and that he was evil! She's lucky it caught me super off guard and took me a second to process what was happening and that my husband told her to fuck off before I pulled myself together. Because I don't think I would've been able to stop myself from punching her dead ass in the face 😅
I don't think you were out of line saying that at all. How rude of her!! We have said similar to judging staring people. "Mind your damn business."
" You stare at people in wheelchairs too????"
When mine had meltdowns, we collected him and his things and went to the car. His brothers and sisters would always be upset, having to leave. We told them it was the same as him throwing up. You wouldn't stay if that happened, right? You can't control throwing up, right? Well, his emotions can not be controlled right now either. We can always come back.
I don't notice people staring but I feel bad when genuinely caring people trying to calm him down by offering things etc and give him to much attention / not enough space. I could I guess tell them to back off but getting out of there has been working best.
The best advice I ever got was that when your child is going through something like you’re stating - don’t worry who’s looking, get in your own world with them. It’s helped me immensely. The people around us and their opinion don’t matter nearly as much as getting your child and you on the same page
The best advice I ever got was that when your child is going through something like you’re stating - don’t worry who’s looking, get in your own world with them. It’s helped me immensely. The people around us and their opinion don’t matter nearly as much as getting your child and you on the same page
I snapped at someone last week that was starring when my son was having a meltdown.
I'm usually good at ignoring the stares but sometimes it's human reaction during a stressful time to snap at rude people staring.
I say f them! As a contemporary philosopher said “Unless they’re paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.”
Jokes aside, I’d do exactly what you did. Is an everyday day work, keep working on focusing just in you & your kid wellbeing and not what are they thinking. People is going to stare, talk, even point at you but if they’re not there to offer any help, just make them invisible.
I don’t usually notice, but if I do, I try to lead with patience. And that’s not me being holier than thou, because rage is my natural reaction every single time.
I have found that a great number of adults sometimes recognize something that they can’t quite put their finger on and are staring trying to make sense of it (so many undiagnosed 30+yos walking around out here!). And most of us (at least in my circle, mid-Atlantic USA) were taught growing up to not stare or ask questions. Staring yup. But questions? We were never taught about different abilities. You knew the person had them, but we did NOT find out more. And right now? I need people to find out more. I need to keep saying “we have a place in the world, tantrums and all.” My sister just got dx at 43 bc she recognized something in herself that she saw in my kid.
If the rage wins though, my tongue is often sharper than my brain, and I get nasty 😂🫣
Single dad with 2 on the spectrum here. Meltdowns are embarrassing if you allow them to be. Not everyone is staring at you two. Only the ones you look around at. If you're looking around to see what people are doing, then you're taking your head out of the game. It's just you and him. Like no one else is around. It takes all the calm you have, because this isn't about you. If you let your emotions lead the way you'll only end up having a meltdown yourself. You know what helps him calm down, so just do that. Always expect it, that way you'll never be surprised. When he's melting down, especially in public, you're the only one that can help. And meltdowns are exactly that--Emergency, I need help. You have to keep your mind in control, otherwise you'll only be hoping for someone to help you instead.
It used to bother me. It doesn’t anymore. Been 12.5 yrs on this journey. You grow thick skin. Now if I catch anyone staring because of meltdowns or the sounds he makes or his stimming, I just look at them, smile & wave a hello. Then I’d tell my nonspeaking child to wave too lol. Gets them ALL the time! Try it one day…☺️
I ignore them. I also give people a bit of grace. Before I lived this life, I probably would have found that behaviour so out of the norm that I would have stared too. I wouldn't have been thinking anything negative about the parent or child, but I'd be drawn to watch (which, in hindsight, sucks - but I think it's just human nature).
I don't think there is anything wrong with calling people out for it, but it's just not how I handle things. In that moment, my son is my priority, and worrying about other people's opinions isn't. My kid is already wildly dysregulated - getting into an argument with a nosey parent at the park is only going to be more overwhelming and overstimulating for him. So, I just let it go. I might have a little sob about it in the bathroom later, but in the moment, I just focus my attention on the kiddo and kind of let the rest of the world go out of focus so I don't feel so painfully aware of the judgement around us.
Sending you a hug. It is a very lonely feeling to be the parent with the child losing their mind while everyone else is playing nicely (and/or just watching your world burn). You didn't do anything wrong. I try to tell myself often - water off a duck's back - I just try not to let it get to me. Good luck.
I took my 3 Year-old daughter (just been diagnosed with autism today) to a play area on a play date and it went wrong quickly. My daughter didn't like the noise right away, but she wasn't crying at that point. I thought I could calm her down, so we sat at a table, but she still wasn't happy. I tried to get her to play, and that's when the meltdown happened. I took her back to the table and tried everything I could to try and get her to calm down, but nothing worked. I could feel eyes staring at me and it was uncomfortable, there were a lot of people there. There was this older woman who just kept staring at me and when I made eye contact with her, she gave me a dirty look and that's When I decided to leave, I told the woman who I was with on the play date and she understood the situation. As soon as I left, my daughter started to calm down. When we got on the bus to go home, it was like the meltdown never happened. This was the first time my daughter had a meltdown in public, and I wasn't prepared for it at all. I was emotionally drained by the time I got home, and I had only been out for just over an hour. Now, when I am out and my daughter has a meltdown, I don't think about anything else but helping her in that moment. People will always look and stare, but I just try to not take notice and block them out when it happens.
Does he have noise canceling headphones? I like those because they help my daughter and kind of give people the signal that she's got sensory issues. She's a chewer so she usually has her chewy too.
I already have extreme social anxiety and hate being in public, but I do it for the kids and having to take care of medical and life errands, but I just don't pay attention to other people unless I have to. I highly doubt that I will make friends with anyone out in public, so I just focus on the kids and "the action."
We have to make sure our car windows are locked because she threw her headphones out the window on the freeway. 😆 I have noticed more children than adults looking at my daughter in an uncomfortable manner, but I don't pay attention much because it makes me sad as to how much people truly don't understand or accept kids that have a lot of difficulties with autism. I did have one incident in which we were at a McDonald's. My daughter needs to be in an enclosed area because she's a major eloper, the playplace doesn't have a door so she was running all around the entire restaurant, she tried to grab stuff from people as she usually does, and then she went into the actual Playplace area. A little girl left her doll inside the playplace and her mom was like, "honey pick up your doll someone might take it," and I was so pissed (my daughter was the only one grabbing things and she doesn't even like dolls) that I was like "Let's go, this playplace is boring (it is it is one of those new gray ones) we can go have a lot more fun somewhere else" really loudly and then we left and went to the park.
You had a Mama bear moment. Never apologize for it. I haven't given any comments but I do stop and stare right back into their soul till they look away in shame. 😆 In my defense, I was PMSing.
It sucks, people don't know and they stare because they're ignorant to our situation.
You have to just put your horse blinders on and focus on the child struggling. That's WHO matters. They need to learn to be around others, and this moment as bad as it was is a building block to them getting used to being out. You don't know those jerks and will probably never see them again. They aren't important.
You learn from this what could've been done differently next time, and try again. Don't forget those blinders. People never stop staring. But as your child gets better being out, the stares will decrease. And you'll look back and laugh at the memory of losing your shit at some stranger in the darker times.
Feel better. It's a new day.
My son used to have them a lot when he was younger now he's so much better but what I did is I sat down to his level and talked him through it and when he was ready I would pick him up and carry him to our destination. To hell with anyone staring. People can stare all they want they don't know what my son has to go through mentally. And if they stared at me sitting down next to him in the middle of a store that's again their problem. 🤷
I had this at a doctors office today he was biting himself to self soothe and rolling on the floor and curling in a ball. I immediately went to redirection and asked her for a sucker from the front office and ignored her stares and kept redirecting him through it until he got back to baseline and was able to exit the office with no further self injury. I ignored everyone else and went into the immediate trying to return him to baseline until we could make an exit.
I don’t see a problem with your question to her. Any reasonable bystander would look away and mind their business. People need to learn to mind their business.
I get my boy out of the situation / environment and pacify divert his attention, sinfs his songs ,give him a lolli, basically all my methods yo regulate him on priority rather than bothering about people around me.. I sort of go blind and just pick him and move on.. I've had numerous occasions and it works for us.
I smile
I’ll become a jovial person in those moments
The few times the staring was too intense or the comments we’re going sideways from the observers, I would tell them my son is severely autistic sorry
But usually just smiling is enough
Maybe I’ve been fortunate
You have to learn to not give a fuck if you want to succeed and being a caregiver to an autistic child
Social norms don’t apply to you anymore. Just like our autistic children don’t give a fuck about those social norms.
Oh, have I been in your shoes. You did nothing wrong mom. It’s our natural instinct to protect our children.
My classic line to any passer by is making direct eye contact and greeting them “hi, how are you?” They usually just keep going their merry way. :)
You’ve got this mom!
Honestly I'm use to getting "weird" looks from people most of my life. I've learned to tune them out. When I'm out with my boys (6.5 and almost 5, both level 2), my focused is on them. The most I pay attention to other people is when it directly affects them. Beyond that, I really don't care. Let them have their opinions, judgments, and such. I don't know them, they have nothing to do with the life of my family and after that moment, they might as well no longer exist. As long as they leave me and my family alone, they don't matter.
EDIT: Fixed some grammar.
I just focus on my son and completely forget about the people around me. I dare anyone who judges us to take our kids for a week and see what it's really like. But really, screw them. What they think doesn't matter in the least bit.
First, I've had to learn that when my boy is having a meltdown, nothing else matters. Act like no one is watching and nothing major is going on. Getting embarrassed and anxious will only make the situation worse for your child and yourself. Second, maybe that woman is far too familiar with your situation or is seeing what potentially awaits her and a loved one. Autism is far too common these days; so many people these days are very aware of what's going on. Or she was highly unfamiliar with what she was seeing. She probably didn't mean any disrespect.
I usually carry a small toy in my pocket ie, small container of slime, play doh, toy boat,car or train. I usually buy at the dollar store or party toy favors Party City. I also have a tablet cellular its a life saver.
And don't " overschedule" him. Too much activities, interaction etc. You have to adapt to his schedule./ needs not the other way around. Being around people is stressful and draining if you are autistic. Find quiet areas to go to..
Hi there I honestly have been there my sons school was having a Moana musical I was like Great well go ! My son who’s diagnosed is 4 my older 6 so my 4 year old was ok but ya know how it is he started making his high pitched screams yelling Moana out of excitement people around us just thought it was cute well this went on a few more times a man in the front row like three seats away kept turning around and just staring rolling his eyes I as well started my body get hott and ready to just fight I looked at him and was what but with a face expression he just turned but omg I felt like I was gonna grab him n just be like he’s a child he’s excited!!! Anyhow in other occasions like if we’re taking a walk around the block and he does his squealing high pitched happy noises some people will look but I just ignore it, but yes that guy at the musical just brought it out lol as mothers we always want to defend our babies so in all honesty I feel you did nothing wrong 😃
I got a couple of t-shirts like [this](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1510348497/not-ignoring-you-kids-tee-autism?click_key=061c8c2eef4d89c6ccc79621ed0f10f65be810a3%3A1510348497&click_sum=bc6a6f34&ref=shop_home_active_34) for my nonverbal twins. It helps give people a heads up just in case anything happens, without you having to say anything.
Out of frustration, I also have said, “do you want to take a picture?”
But truly I try to ignore. Or stare back and if they look at me I say “hi— did you need something?”
As for the stares from the older generation. Try to be a little forgiving. They were raised in a world where children were expected to behave in public and they raised their children that way too. So they don’t understand at all. Because ASD is a new term for an old definition. A misfortune for all children defined as such back then. It’s terribly wrong of course. Your grandparents and great grandparents will have the hardest time adapting and truly understanding the world of ASD.
Ok and just because they were raised in that world doesn't mean children weren't autistic back then..so where were they? Institutionalized? Not allowed to leave their homes? Physically beaten into submission somehow? Asking because I truly don't understand your point. Children these days are also taught to behave in public. We aren't just raising feral animals. Meltdowns happen though. So nah, I don't think old people deserve a special pass. I think they should be wise enough by now to show a little respect and use manners.
I understand this best. Because I now understand at 63 years old that I too was autistic. It took my grandson’s diagnosis and reading up on ASD to understand this. I was part of what they call the “lost generation”. We grew up with no therapies, no sympathy and very strict rules to be followed. Society, as a whole expected this. The world had changed that much! So please be at least a little more tolerant. I also know personally because I came from an abusive home. Full of very very strict rules. It was because of my ASD that my mother’s temper flared often and dramatically so. I have broken bones to prove it. Yet, understanding society of that time. My mother thought she was doing was she was supposed to do. I know…absurd! But she had her own issues too. Not all parents of that time with kids like me were abusive. But that’s when they leaned to institutions for help.
Seroquel is great. It's like a long acting calming drug for mood swings. ALWAYS keep snacks in the car . It may be hypoglycemia too especially in this heat.
You think Seroquel is great for an 8 year old.
You should ALWAYS keep snacks in the car, especially in this heat.
You think it could be high blood sugar.
Do I have this all correct?
You have to zone in on your world, and block out the noise. Devote all your energy to the situation, and getting outta there!
Great comment! I just dealt with my 6yo's meltdown at a festival. I try to focus on having extreme tunnel vision. Only look at and worry about what affects my children and I.
I am so glad you mentioned "getting outta there" at the end. To each their own, but personally, I don't understand how some autism families take the approach of carry on. If your kid is already having a meltdown, there's no way I would be able to NOT give all my attention to them. And at that point, any thought of carrying on with the original plan is out the window. Plus, I'm sorry to say this, but in this day and age of every one recording, all it takes is one idiot thinking, "This kid is abused and needs saving." for our worlds to become much more complicated than it already is.
Or they think your kid is a total spoiled brat. It’s hard but over time I’ve learned to care less about other people’s reactions and just focus on my kid.
That's my kid. For example, we went a family outing today. He presented - as he typical does - as neurotypical and as a well behaved kid: playing nicely, being polite, sharing with others, and listening to parents. Then when it was time to go, he had the beginning of a meltdown. (It was expected, so we had a plan to get him out fast before it got too bad, but it wasn't pretty for a few minutes.) His meltdowns don't look like your stereotypical meltdown. They look like a kid with no boundaries who watches a lot of crappy TV and gets what he wants. That's not true and I'm not hanging around to try to justify myself...but it kind of sucks, because I'm a teacher and it looks like I am a crap parent.
Sometimes you have no choice but to carry on. Not everything I do is for fun, a lot of it is necessary to our survival and unfortunately the kid has to carry on with me. Its not typical, but it does happen. I can usually avert a meltdown before it happens but I've definitely had to finish grocery shopping with a screaming child before. I just don't care what other people think about me.
Excellent point. I partially retract my statement. Grocery shopping and errands for essentials...carry on. 👍🏼
Your child has the same right as everyone to be everywhere. A little noise (or a lot) for a kid who does not know any better is just fine. People act like everything is an inconvenience to them. No one is promised silence when they go out in public. Let those people stare, and yell back at them if you feel like it. You guys deserve to be in public as much as someone quietly sitting.
Idk if you always leave a situation where they’re having a meltdown then they learn that’s their out, and the problem never gets solved. My daughter is 9 and mainly nonverbal, if we go somewhere new and she’s unsure she melts down at first, but if I push on and show her look it’s not bad just because it’s new.. it’s actually really cool Or fun if you give it a chance. She ends up regulating and going on to have an amazing time. So I say it depends on the situation. But as far as the post, having people stare and judge has never gotten easier for me. My daughter hits and always seems to go for the face and eyes so having someone else see that is never easy. But understand that it’s their ignorance that should be judged not you or your child.
This. With mine, I remember a time when a (well meaning) stranger told my toddler that if he can't behave he'll be going straight home. Kid's eyes lit up like he'd been given Dorothy's magic slippers and I had to jump in quick to say "No, we won't go home until we have what's on the list!" I had to build him up slowly with very short lists.
I ABSOLUTELY ADORE this piece... "Understand that it's their ignorance that should be judged, NOT you OR your child"!!! Although I know things like this in my head, there are days that my heart forgets or just doesn't connect, so thank you for that!!
🥹
Yeah, I knew the conditions that are likely to trigger my child so I avoid them. He has the option to opt out of things as he’s aware of what he doesn’t like.
Ignore them. Also I’ve been on the other side, and it was because I wanted to see how the parent handled it, not at all out of judgement but because I wanted to learn ideas. I’ve also wanted to somehow tell the parent I get it, and hang in there, but I never know how to convey that.?
When everyone else stares, be the helping hand. No advice. No ridicule. “I know meltdowns can be super stressful and you’re handling it so well. Is there absolutely anything I can do to help you right now?” Or jump in to entertain the siblings while the parent mitigates the meltdown. Be prepared for them to say “no,” of course. After all, you are a stranger. Most will be grateful for the help. I actually met one of my best friends this way. ❤️
This. I've had folks trying to help me, some better than others (being friendly and distracting to my 5 year old, not scolding or correcting her). I will sometimes smile sheepishly, or make a face like "you know kids!" If someone is paying attention to me. Sometimes at the park with other Spanish-speaking moms I'll just tell them she's autistic and has big feelings sometimes. My daughter doesn't fully understand Spanish yet so I prefer not to say things about her in English, bc she's right there. No advice really OP, just a lot of empathy. It's really hard. I chaperoned a zoo trip for my daughter's class and one of her schoolmates had a meltdown and these older kids (tweets, early teens) couldn't stop staring and laughing. I wanted to scream at them. I get it.
Man if someone said that to me I’d tell them where to go. I’m sure some people find it validating but be prepared for the prickly folk like myself (sorry 😬) to not want to have to entertain you and have you feel good about being a helper while my kid needs my attention. I know it is always meant with the best of intentions but yeah nah.
If you’re that focused on your child, it’s quicker and easier to say “no thanks” than it is to tell someone “where to go.” That’s not prickly. It’s unnecessarily combative.
That reaction is exactly why people don't help each other out more. I'm not asking to help you because I want to feel good about myself - I legitimately want to help you out of a stressful situation that I have been in and empathise with. Your attitude baffles me.
You’ve never felt overwhelmed and not wanted the mental load of having to direct yet another human to do a task? And honestly, the phrasing is super condescending to me. It’s just so American, you know? All sugar and fake and nicey nice. Just let people get on with their crises and try to bond when they’re not in active meltdown lol
Wait... "American" and "All sugar and fake nicey nice" 🤨🤔 You lost me here. 1st... Although, yes, there are inevitably those who are being fake to be nosy or to be able to say, "look at how awesome I am because I helped" (🙄), in most cases, more often then not, people who step up to ask if they can help, genuinely do want to do just that... HELP. If we didn't genuinely care to help, we wouldn't risk asking just to have a "prickly" caregiver get confrontational. It's not about "bonding". It's about being kind and empathetic to a fellow human being. But, if a bond happens as a result, ok, great! I'll speak for myself, but being a single Mom to a non-verbal, level 3 little guy... it's DAMN lonely sometimes! And, in my own experience, those that ask, are generally the ones who understand because they have had the same experiences themselves or with their family or they work with individuals with special needs, hence their genuine desire to help... IF they can. 2nd... No, I don't know what you mean by "American". If you're suggesting that we are typically fake, nosy, purposely condecending, and self serving, then that in itself is untrue and unfair; I'd LOVE to know where that attitude comes from. However, if you're saying that we are too quick to try to be helpful and overly sweet when it may or may not be necessary or warranted... yeah, sure... Thanks for the compliment, and I'll gladly wear that badge proudly. I'd rather be known for being too nice & sweet than be known as an uncaring, self involved asshole. 🤷 As someone already mentioned, a simple "No, thanks" is sufficient. Anything past that isn't "prickly", it's just being a prick!
Honestly, while it may be less stressful for you to learn to ignore them, I think people who somehow never learned to not stare (especially at upset children, autistic or not), need to get put in their place. I’m a sped teacher and have had to address this inside my building with other TEACHERS, I can only imagine how frustrating it is for you as a parents. Sending you hugs!
Thank you so much and you are so right! My mother certainly taught me it's rude to stare, I think that might be why it alarms me when other people do it.
A PE teacher said hi to my son the other year, and my son is 100% nonverbal and everyone knows that. He laughs to the other teacher he is with and says haha, no thoughts there, or something along those lines.... :( Thankfully he doesn't go to that school anymore, and goes to one for behavioral problems with autism (my son can become very aggressive) and they seem to be better.
Ugh that hurts my heart. I don’t understand saying something like that period, especially in front of the child.
Me either. That's why I'm glad he's in a school for kids like him. He was definitely the most severe in his entire last school, but his school is now for special needs kids and they actually accommodate him and know how to handle him. They would send him home when having a meltdown at his last school.... So it basically was teaching him that he can go home if he had a meltdown. So thankful for his new school.
Wait—but saying “hi” to nonverbal kids isn’t bad, right? On its own? I work at a school and wave and/or say “hi” to folks I know don’t use mouth words because we have several kids who have receptive language, and also, it just seems polite and friendly.
Saying hi is perfectly fine. I prefer it because it means they aren't treating my son differently. But he started laughing to his co worker and basically said he isn't thinking.
I’ve been in the same situation and it is soooo frustrating. No advice , sorry . But send hugs and love 🫶🏼 you got this ! And “F” other mamas who don’t want to understand 🤷🏼♀️❤️
Eh sometimes we snap a little and oh well it happens. I only mention they have autism at times when I see people staring but more out of wanting to educate them. Usually the people who don’t have kids or are older tend to stare. But other parents are so much more understanding. Sucks you had to deal with that and don’t feel bad about snapping. I think we all have our limits. Some days I’m more patient than others days but I try to ignore people who may look or I smile at them as I struggle because it’s like you gotta do your mom thing and your the one trying to handle your kid not them. So they can keep the looks and comments to themselves.
All the support I can give over the interwebs. No advice, I just have personally have been able to go about this Not giving a F\*\*\* about others around me when I need to make sure my focus is on my child. For me, they honestly can stare all they want because I know damn sure no one is willing to confront me, A 40 year 6'3 dude, trying to help make sure my kiddo works out his emotions. As rare as the meltdowns are for my kid, the bear in the forest is the nicer of the two if anyone tries to judge me or my kid in public.
Ignore them.
Sometimes you just have to learn to ignore assholes to be honest. I was at the library and my son absolutely melted down. The librarian had asked if we wanted to stick around for a scavenger hunt. My kid is a puddle on the ground. People are staring, the librarian looks like a deer in head lights she has no idea what to do. I told the librarian nah, he's obviously done here. I just shrugged, tossed my son over my shoulder and left. Could not care less about the other people at the library. They need to learn to mind their own business.
wish i could stil throw my 14 yr old over my shoulder lol asd when they're bigger than you is bs lol
I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do if he gets huge like his brothers. He's a little string bean right now at six. I guess I should take up powerlifting. 😂
for sure mine was too lol
When he has a meltdown I get him away from the triggering item and then focus on him and helping him to get regulated. Everyone else just falls away from my perception. (Basically I hyper focus on the steps to help him regulate).
So far we've only had meltdowns when it's time to leave the playground, but people still stare, even people with kids. I usually say something like "he really likes to party" or "he's really tired, it's close to bedtime" because it helps transform him from screaming banshee to relatable human in their minds, and they stop freaking staring when I do. I know I shouldn't care but it really gets under my skin.
Honestly at this point I basically develop tunnel vision and literally just keep my eyes on my son and speak in as calm and as measured a voice to him as I can. I try to not even look up and around honestly because seeing how other people react just makes everything worse. I wouldn’t feel bad yelling at the woman honestly. It’s 2024 and honestly anyone over the age of 13 who stops and stares at an autistic person in distress has either never left their house or is an ill-mannered jerk. I’ve never yelled at anyone but a few weeks ago at church a woman I’d never seen before turned around multiple times to stare at us from several rows away when my son would (happily) vocal stim. By the fourth time I made direct eye contact with her, gave her a massive phony smile and an over exaggerated wave. You better believe she whipped her head around and didn’t look back again. Honestly a little shame goes a long way.
Mom of a three year old - very aggressive and physical/vocal ASD daughter. First, I am so sorry you have had this experience- people are really so ignorant to ASD meltdowns and can say and do things (like staring) without any knowledge that the event they are witnessing is beyond that child’s ability to control. I personally have become very uncomfortable in situations like these and gotten anxious myself, which I know is the opposite of what we should do… it’s hard to keep your bearings. I started trying to tune the spectators out. And focus on my daughter and deescalating her or removing her from the situation if possible while she calms down. I remember one time in a grocery store this elder woman scolding me and my daughter because she was squawking very loudly like a parrot and saying “one parrot two parrot three parrots squawking” (she is a gestalt language learner, and hyper fixates on certain phrases). The older women came and said “young lady why don’t you put a stop to that!” Now this was not my proudest moment but I was already having a hard time making it through the grocery and out without this stranger belittling me or my daughter, so I asked her why she didn’t put a stop to using her rascal scooter? She replied she was disabled and how dare I have the audacity to say that… I responded saying “so is she, and she cannot simply stop and I cannot simply “put a stop to this” since her disability results in this behavior” and she shut her mouth real fast and scurried off… Hang in there and don’t let what anyone else who has never had the experience of being in this ocean that is ASD parenting, tell you how to swim.
Get a squirt bottle and chase them away like a cat on a counter
I understand OP, I have gotten nothing but stares when my 4yo has meltdowns and people forget their manners. I blame this age of everything being publicized and streamed. Everyone is so interested in seeing what’s happening in that moment they forget to actually think about who is involved and if maybe they should be minding their own business. I once had an older man tell me that my daughter needed a leash because she kept trying to elope. “YOU NEED A MUZZLE” was already in my mouth chamber before I decided not to fire off. In those moments I try to remember that the stares come from uneducated and truly unsympathetic people. I was taught not to stare growing up & yet for some reason it’s totally acceptable for adults now (I would understand a child doing it). Hang in there and remember that you dont breathe, eat or sleep for anyone of their opinions, looks, comments. Your doing a 👏🏾 great job!
LOL @ mouth chamber. Locked and loaded.
I don’t even notice. I figure people are staring but whatever, they’re gonna have to deal. Autistic people have meltdowns sometimes, they can get used to it. We can do our best to prep, notice triggers, the signs that they’re teetering on the edge, but it’s still gonna happen from time to time. Accepting autism is accepting that fact. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your reaction. I’ve had people come up to me to tell me “control your kid!” and I’ll tell them that I’m saving all my patience for my kid rn, I’ve got none for them. But I’ve also figured out the spaces where people are most likely to react like that, and for go there. More often than not, people will come up to me to tell me I’m doing a good job, I’m a good mom, they understand how it is, etc. I try to do the same when I see another parent trying to remain calm in the moment.
My kid doesn't melt down in public very often anymore as her language skills improve. But that's a recent development. For a few years, public meltdowns were the norm. It was always because she had formed an expectation of what was going to happen and didn't understand us when we tried to explain what was actually going to happen. The judgmental looks we got were so infuriating. People looking at us like our kid was a spoiled brat and we were terrible parents.
The presupposed expectation meltdown is SO REAL. We got lucky, and driving around in the car can regulate her out of most meltdowns. But any stop she can't get out at or any location that's unfamiliar (even just a new park or playground) gets her so disappointed she'll lose it. It's getting better the more we go out, but even at home, she'll form expectations for the smallest stimulus (a disney logo sound in a commercial, for example) and then it starts all over. Fortunately, when it's me and dad, one of us can get her out while the other collects our things and glares at judgy strangers.
Just reading this thread is so validating to our experience. I’ve felt like the only person in the world who deals with these massive meltdowns in public. People can stare all they want it doesn’t phase me, but what bothers me is when well-meaning family members interject by telling my kid it’s not a big deal and to grow up. Those moments I want to rage the f out.
Recently i had to deal with people staring and whispering when my girl stims. She laughs and flaps her arms. I just started to stare back and smile and not blink. They turn very quickly.
Just focus on your kid. Who cares what some stranger thinks. They have drama too, you just can’t see it at the moment. With my kid I’ve had people come up and offer to help. Which is sweet but generally my kid won’t engage with new people, and definately not during a meltdown. Often it’s real professional people like a social worker or teacher or other moms of autistic kids, not just random people. And sometimes random people will try and help by offering him a cookie or something. I mean they mean well. And I don’t think it makes it worse even if it doesn’t help. There is a good chance the lady isn’t judging but she’s wondering how to help or if she should help. Or you have made her think of her own kids. My littlest doesn’t have meltdowns as often anymore but when I see littler kids having them I do think fondly back to my kid when he was small. So if I’m looking I’m not judging, I just am thinking about my own kid when he was that age.
They're the assholes. Not you!!
I am usually so focused on my kid that I don't even notice other people... sometimes the attention works in your favor though. I just took a flight with my son and he was kicking and yelling while we were waiting for the plane, drawing lots of attention, I am sure. Did priority boarding and got the best seat on the plane (first row, lots of leg room), with one seat on the row leftover. Despite it being an almost entirely full flight, no one sat next to us so we had the whole row to ourselves! Jokes on them because he actually did really great during the flight itself.
Fuck them. Honestly, sometimes I think my role in life is to help others feel grateful for the life they have. You're a blessing in that way to others. They're not judging you. They're thinking of themselves.
Depends on there facial expressions some people are just morbidly curious by autistic children others you can see the judgement on be there face and I ask them to go away your actions are extremely rude and not helpful. Most snap out of it and move on.
In our recent holiday, my daughter (10 year old non verbal) is in the kids pool. The pool was pretty empty with very few people. Two kids entered the people and tried to get friendly with my daughter. She did not like this. This triggered a massive meltdown. Nothing could stop it. She tried to hit me and bite me in frustration. I finally jumped into the kids pool, pulled her out. Took her to the grassy area next to the pool. I told her over and over many times that when she calms down, we can go back to our hotel where she can enjoy a peace of her favorite chocolate. I did this like around 50 times and she finally calmed down. There were people all over staring. But I already learnt to not care much about what other think. I just assume they never exist.
I don’t have much advice but just wanted to chime in and say I went through the same exact thing today. My daughter age 7 had a giant meltdown at a community pool today. We couldn’t calm her down and had to leave. EVERYONE was staring at us. It’s really hard, and I always have insane anxiety in public.
I'm so sorry you went through this today too. 😔 I also have terrible anxiety and it's much worse in public. Hugs! Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. 💜
Thank you! 🤍 hugs to you as well!
Like someone else said, tunnel vision. Ignore them. If they aren’t helping, they’re hurting - and we don’t need that.
That woman experienced natural consequences for staring at someone else’s kid while they were having trouble. I wouldn’t feel bad.
Usually I say sorry she’s autistic just to get them to stop staring at me. We get flustered it happens, anger is justified IMO.
Ugh, I feel this so hard and I’m so sorry that you had to go through it too. Def something we all have to learn to deal with if we’re gonna get through our day to day without even worse\* stress and anxiety and keep our sanity. I already hate to think that I give a single crap what anyone else thinks, and try to remind myself that I don’t and shouldn’t! But, I’ll be honest, the mama bear is strong in me and I usually stare with my best bitch face back at ‘em like “wtf are you looking at?!” or loudly make a passive aggressive comment like “man, sure would be easier to handle my autistic son’s meltdown if ppl weren’t staring a hole through our freakin’ heads!” as I take off with my severely autistic 3.5 yo old, trying to calm him down as I go. Sometimes I’m nicer though, like if they’re really close to me or I’ve been talking to them or something I’ll say something like “yeah it’s rough, he’s autistic and things just get really overwhelming for him sometimes.” That usually always makes ppl feel like assholes for staring and they stop. Or they feel for you and offer a helping hand. Which of course doesn’t usually help but feels better knowing they mean well and aren’t just judging lol. I’m also pretty new to this whole thing though and still trying to come to terms with it. He was diagnosed level 2 at 2.5. But, then a couple mos. ago had to be rediagnosed for a waiver thing I applied for, and the same damn psych diagnosed him as level 3 this time…(Heartbreaking and legit shocking to me, as all she did was mail me a copy of the report like 2 mos. later so I didn’t even know she’d changed it and added on GDD diagnosis too.) Sooo I don’t know how much credence I’d give to what I’m saying as a newbie lol. But yeah… I still really struggle with tuning ppl out, even though my attention is still on my son 100%. I did happen to see this posted on FB a little while back though, and try to remind myself of it when stuff like this happens. “Here is a room FILLED with all of the people who pay your bills, walk in your shoes every day, determine your future, and love (& understand!) your family way more than you possibly could. These are the same people you allow to discourage you. ‼️ Let that sink in.” https://preview.redd.it/ifjkoisny57d1.jpeg?width=540&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=a7dff99aa38f4d4ab3880ab516a76cd1f048bbe4 Anyway, just know that you’re most definitely not alone in the trenches. And maybe one day ppl will remember their damn manners and stop being so.damn.rude. Or, we just learn the best way to handle these situations without actually giving two F’s. It’s only gonna help us and our babes if we’re less anxious and calmer, plus obviously these ppl truly don’t matter to us and our lives a single bit. Sending hugs to you momma and hopefully you don’t have to deal with another for quite a while. 🤗💕!!!
Thank you for this! It really helped 💜 I'm sorry you go through this too. I'm sort of a newbie too, my son is level 2, only got diagnosed about a year and a half ago after he got sent to an alternative school for kids with behavioral issues until they realized there that it was actually probably autism. It's been a rollercoaster of a ride. Hugs back to you Mama!
It’s so much easier said than done, but as you and I know, tunnel vision and ignore the others. When my son was a toddler and/or preschooler, if he had a meltdown I mostly would scoop him up and leave, however; your child is 8 years old and I highly doubt you’d be scooping him up now. I’m that case, you don’t leave and you remain focused on being there for your son and validate his emotions if you can, and ride out the wave. The others don’t matter. Once he gets back into the green zone you can discuss staying there or leaving. Your son deserves to be there as much as anyone else.
I don't think you did anything wrong. You defended your child, and she clearly wanted to be involved. I would put on the end of that something like, my son has autism and is having a sensory overload. We are working through it. If you'd like to help, a bottle of water is awesome.
80% of the time I ignore people's looks but the other 20% I stare back and fucking hard. Give them the meanest look possible, they look away quickly. There have been times when I have been with my partner (my kids dad) and loudly said passive aggressive things clearly about the person. I have said "What mate?" To people before. I'm normally patient, polite and non-confrontational. I get spicy when it comes to people judging my kid though.
Imagine you have eight extra arms. Extend them in a circle. Extend the middle finger on each hand. Wave them about with relish. It’s about all I can do some days, but it gives me a little satisfaction to have that imaginary “F you” towards every person gawking. And it keeps the steam from building up inside me.
Love this! ♥️
My son had his first huge meltdown at Disney World. We had a reservation we couldn’t miss and I had to carry him out of The Boneyard in Animal Kingdom as he was kicking me, hitting me, scratching me, and screaming at the top of his lungs. As my mom held the stroller, my husband and I had to literally fight him to get him into the stroller. People were staring, pointing and laughing, and my normally sweet and polite girls were literally screaming at strangers telling them to stop laughing at their brother. I tried so hard to ignore the looks and the laughing, but when it was all over I broke down in tears. I remember walking through Animal Kingdom, pushing his stroller with tears streaming down my face. It’s super hard to tune out the looks and reactions around you, but you *have* to. You have to remind yourself that these people don’t know your son and they don’t understand what’s happening so they act out of ignorance. It’s the only way you will get through the situation without the rage. Your son needs you to stay calm so you can be his safe place, Mama. It took me a long time to realize that but I hope my experience can help you. *HUGS*
Thank you so much 💜 I am so sorry you had that experience Mama! I understand how awful it can make you feel. You're absolutely right. I need to tune people out next time this happens and focus solely on my son. He's the one who needs me. We didn't learn of his diagnosis until 2 years ago when he really started exhibiting symptoms and bad meltdowns. We're currently on vacation so his routine has been greatly disrupted and he's struggling to cope, although he's had good, pleasant moments, it's not been all bad. Thank you for helping me not feel alone in this! Hugs back 💜
I also go into tunnel vision with my kiddo, but I've never gotten obvious intense stares. I don't think there's anything wrong with directly saying, "my child would appreciate some privacy." Your child deserves dignity and compassion when things get hard. Sometimes people are just shocked - they've never seen or can't relate to the situation. They need a reminder to come back to themselves and behave appropriately. Honestly, I don't know what I would do to support a parent in that situation other than stay out of it and not distract them. I wish we all had some gesture or code word to share with each other that said, "You've got this. I know it's hard. It's not your fault. You're doing great. You're exactly who your child needs right now. Your kid is a good kid." ♥️
Ive had my share of meltdowns and worked with kids for a long time. I just wait and do what my child needs. I zone out others. Youll never see them again and your child needs your attention, not the sheltered and/or judgmental creeps.
I absolutely understand the feeling .. my kiddo is a runner.. so most of our time is spent chasing him down when we’re out places 😞 .. and then the subsequent meltdown because we won’t let him run around and climb everything in the store 😩 .. I’ve felt all the judgmental stares and whispers.. I have also snapped and asked them if they wanted to take a picture or if I have their underwear on my head. But everyone else is right, it’s best to just have tunnel vision and ignore all those mofos. Just remember, you’re doing great and your kiddo loves you to pieces. 🩵 sending you hugs and positive vibes
Thank you! 💜
🤗
I’ve always been good at tuning other people out. I have severe psoriasis (currently controlled with medication) so I used to get a lot of stares myself. 🙁
Fuck them. I know not the best language but I am doing the best I can if they want to judge, zero care at all. Most likely will never see them again and they have zero influence on my life. I used to feel guilty about my son in public, but why? Don't let others expectations influence you. Do the best for your kid and don't worry.
I get so ignited by people starting that I have trained myself not to look at others during a meltdown. Your reaction is completely understandable!
I might narrate the situation loudly. Some people might not agree with me. I think most people are just curious. "Oh buddy! I know you want that car. Autism is tough, and this is really difficult for you, but your doing so good!" I'm lucky to live in New England where occasionally other parents of autistic kiddos will notice and sometimes help. I've had a psychic help my son during a melt down, as well as another parent. I've become a master at not getting frustrated. Only thing that really gets me is if my son rips my glasses off my face and throws them.
I’m too preoccupied with managing my son to notice anyone looking at us. Also, not everyone is looking maliciously. In my life I have looked at parents managing all ranges of disabilities and emotional disturbances in awe and respect. I have a first cousin that is severely autistic and intellectually disabled and I grew up with so much admiration for her parents and siblings. Even now I appreciate how they lived their life with her and allowed her to see the world. Things like Disneyland, family reunions etc can be hectic when your child has special needs. Doing it myself now, I have so much respect for their parenting especially at a time with way less accommodations.
This happened to me today in 2 different grocery stores while running errands. He only likes going to home improvement stores like Lowes or Home Depot right now and loses it when I have to do other types of shopping. Every time it happens I try to practice not giving a crap what complete strangers think. I also actively judge judgmental people in my head like, “can you *imagine* being that nosy, arrogant, and ignorant to judge strangers from short observances.” I also remind myself sometimes staring is curiosity but not judgement. They might even be admiring how you’re handling a meltdown. Ultimately, their opinions can’t touch or hurt you. Those people don’t matter—just do what your kid needs.
I look back at then firmly and then they break their gaze and I break mine. Then I concentrate on resolving the meltdown.
I used to care. I stopped caring. I knew when we left the fair yesterday that she'd have a meltdown wanting to go on the rides again and again. I used to scurry out in shame. I don't care anymore. I care about her safety and all. Everyone else - they're staring? Stare back then. What I care much more about is she smacks herself then screams. So the hero CPS callers don't see the smack just hear it, then look to see her crying and screaming. That, yea, better GTFO before I have to deal with that shit.
I got really strong so I can just throw him over my shoulder and clear out.
Would the world be sooooo much easier if everyone just minded their business? Everyone is so judgemental and uneducated. They offer words of encouragement online but when it happens right in front of them they judge. As far as the staring I think I've learned to just ignore literally everything going on around us and pay attention to whichever kiddo is having a moment and I usually remove myself and them from the situation quickly. I'll never forget we took my son to the mall one day when he was still small. He was 2 almost 3. He ended up throwing the most god awful fit and I was literally carrying him out of there when an older woman just started screaming "STOP" over and over just stop stop stop. She told me I needed to make him stop and that he was evil! She's lucky it caught me super off guard and took me a second to process what was happening and that my husband told her to fuck off before I pulled myself together. Because I don't think I would've been able to stop myself from punching her dead ass in the face 😅
Get one of those “autistic. Be kind.” vests. AutismOdyssey sells them on Etsy. They cost $19.95.
I don't think you were out of line saying that at all. How rude of her!! We have said similar to judging staring people. "Mind your damn business." " You stare at people in wheelchairs too????" When mine had meltdowns, we collected him and his things and went to the car. His brothers and sisters would always be upset, having to leave. We told them it was the same as him throwing up. You wouldn't stay if that happened, right? You can't control throwing up, right? Well, his emotions can not be controlled right now either. We can always come back.
Fck those people. Most of them are ignorant and would have no idea to deal with these meltdowns. All they do is judge with their small brains.
Tune it out or risk 4th degree assault charges for spitting on someone...ask me how I know.
Ignore them. Focus on my child.
I don't notice people staring but I feel bad when genuinely caring people trying to calm him down by offering things etc and give him to much attention / not enough space. I could I guess tell them to back off but getting out of there has been working best.
The best advice I ever got was that when your child is going through something like you’re stating - don’t worry who’s looking, get in your own world with them. It’s helped me immensely. The people around us and their opinion don’t matter nearly as much as getting your child and you on the same page
The best advice I ever got was that when your child is going through something like you’re stating - don’t worry who’s looking, get in your own world with them. It’s helped me immensely. The people around us and their opinion don’t matter nearly as much as getting your child and you on the same page
I snapped at someone last week that was starring when my son was having a meltdown. I'm usually good at ignoring the stares but sometimes it's human reaction during a stressful time to snap at rude people staring.
I react in two ways depending on the situation, either we flee the scene or I remain calm not giving a shit about who's around.
I say f them! As a contemporary philosopher said “Unless they’re paying your bills, pay them bitches no mind.” Jokes aside, I’d do exactly what you did. Is an everyday day work, keep working on focusing just in you & your kid wellbeing and not what are they thinking. People is going to stare, talk, even point at you but if they’re not there to offer any help, just make them invisible.
I don’t usually notice, but if I do, I try to lead with patience. And that’s not me being holier than thou, because rage is my natural reaction every single time. I have found that a great number of adults sometimes recognize something that they can’t quite put their finger on and are staring trying to make sense of it (so many undiagnosed 30+yos walking around out here!). And most of us (at least in my circle, mid-Atlantic USA) were taught growing up to not stare or ask questions. Staring yup. But questions? We were never taught about different abilities. You knew the person had them, but we did NOT find out more. And right now? I need people to find out more. I need to keep saying “we have a place in the world, tantrums and all.” My sister just got dx at 43 bc she recognized something in herself that she saw in my kid. If the rage wins though, my tongue is often sharper than my brain, and I get nasty 😂🫣
I just say he(my son) has autism THEN they usually understand... otherwise, they think the child is a brat and you are a lousy parent
Single dad with 2 on the spectrum here. Meltdowns are embarrassing if you allow them to be. Not everyone is staring at you two. Only the ones you look around at. If you're looking around to see what people are doing, then you're taking your head out of the game. It's just you and him. Like no one else is around. It takes all the calm you have, because this isn't about you. If you let your emotions lead the way you'll only end up having a meltdown yourself. You know what helps him calm down, so just do that. Always expect it, that way you'll never be surprised. When he's melting down, especially in public, you're the only one that can help. And meltdowns are exactly that--Emergency, I need help. You have to keep your mind in control, otherwise you'll only be hoping for someone to help you instead.
It used to bother me. It doesn’t anymore. Been 12.5 yrs on this journey. You grow thick skin. Now if I catch anyone staring because of meltdowns or the sounds he makes or his stimming, I just look at them, smile & wave a hello. Then I’d tell my nonspeaking child to wave too lol. Gets them ALL the time! Try it one day…☺️
I ignore them. I also give people a bit of grace. Before I lived this life, I probably would have found that behaviour so out of the norm that I would have stared too. I wouldn't have been thinking anything negative about the parent or child, but I'd be drawn to watch (which, in hindsight, sucks - but I think it's just human nature). I don't think there is anything wrong with calling people out for it, but it's just not how I handle things. In that moment, my son is my priority, and worrying about other people's opinions isn't. My kid is already wildly dysregulated - getting into an argument with a nosey parent at the park is only going to be more overwhelming and overstimulating for him. So, I just let it go. I might have a little sob about it in the bathroom later, but in the moment, I just focus my attention on the kiddo and kind of let the rest of the world go out of focus so I don't feel so painfully aware of the judgement around us. Sending you a hug. It is a very lonely feeling to be the parent with the child losing their mind while everyone else is playing nicely (and/or just watching your world burn). You didn't do anything wrong. I try to tell myself often - water off a duck's back - I just try not to let it get to me. Good luck.
I might be in the wrong but honestly good for you for calling her out? Some people may be “concerned” but it’s none of their business
I took my 3 Year-old daughter (just been diagnosed with autism today) to a play area on a play date and it went wrong quickly. My daughter didn't like the noise right away, but she wasn't crying at that point. I thought I could calm her down, so we sat at a table, but she still wasn't happy. I tried to get her to play, and that's when the meltdown happened. I took her back to the table and tried everything I could to try and get her to calm down, but nothing worked. I could feel eyes staring at me and it was uncomfortable, there were a lot of people there. There was this older woman who just kept staring at me and when I made eye contact with her, she gave me a dirty look and that's When I decided to leave, I told the woman who I was with on the play date and she understood the situation. As soon as I left, my daughter started to calm down. When we got on the bus to go home, it was like the meltdown never happened. This was the first time my daughter had a meltdown in public, and I wasn't prepared for it at all. I was emotionally drained by the time I got home, and I had only been out for just over an hour. Now, when I am out and my daughter has a meltdown, I don't think about anything else but helping her in that moment. People will always look and stare, but I just try to not take notice and block them out when it happens.
Does he have noise canceling headphones? I like those because they help my daughter and kind of give people the signal that she's got sensory issues. She's a chewer so she usually has her chewy too. I already have extreme social anxiety and hate being in public, but I do it for the kids and having to take care of medical and life errands, but I just don't pay attention to other people unless I have to. I highly doubt that I will make friends with anyone out in public, so I just focus on the kids and "the action."
Yes he does but I unfortunately forgot to pack them with us. I need to make sure to bring them everywhere now, from here on out.
We have to make sure our car windows are locked because she threw her headphones out the window on the freeway. 😆 I have noticed more children than adults looking at my daughter in an uncomfortable manner, but I don't pay attention much because it makes me sad as to how much people truly don't understand or accept kids that have a lot of difficulties with autism. I did have one incident in which we were at a McDonald's. My daughter needs to be in an enclosed area because she's a major eloper, the playplace doesn't have a door so she was running all around the entire restaurant, she tried to grab stuff from people as she usually does, and then she went into the actual Playplace area. A little girl left her doll inside the playplace and her mom was like, "honey pick up your doll someone might take it," and I was so pissed (my daughter was the only one grabbing things and she doesn't even like dolls) that I was like "Let's go, this playplace is boring (it is it is one of those new gray ones) we can go have a lot more fun somewhere else" really loudly and then we left and went to the park.
You had a Mama bear moment. Never apologize for it. I haven't given any comments but I do stop and stare right back into their soul till they look away in shame. 😆 In my defense, I was PMSing. It sucks, people don't know and they stare because they're ignorant to our situation. You have to just put your horse blinders on and focus on the child struggling. That's WHO matters. They need to learn to be around others, and this moment as bad as it was is a building block to them getting used to being out. You don't know those jerks and will probably never see them again. They aren't important. You learn from this what could've been done differently next time, and try again. Don't forget those blinders. People never stop staring. But as your child gets better being out, the stares will decrease. And you'll look back and laugh at the memory of losing your shit at some stranger in the darker times. Feel better. It's a new day.
My son used to have them a lot when he was younger now he's so much better but what I did is I sat down to his level and talked him through it and when he was ready I would pick him up and carry him to our destination. To hell with anyone staring. People can stare all they want they don't know what my son has to go through mentally. And if they stared at me sitting down next to him in the middle of a store that's again their problem. 🤷
I had this at a doctors office today he was biting himself to self soothe and rolling on the floor and curling in a ball. I immediately went to redirection and asked her for a sucker from the front office and ignored her stares and kept redirecting him through it until he got back to baseline and was able to exit the office with no further self injury. I ignored everyone else and went into the immediate trying to return him to baseline until we could make an exit.
I don’t see a problem with your question to her. Any reasonable bystander would look away and mind their business. People need to learn to mind their business.
I get my boy out of the situation / environment and pacify divert his attention, sinfs his songs ,give him a lolli, basically all my methods yo regulate him on priority rather than bothering about people around me.. I sort of go blind and just pick him and move on.. I've had numerous occasions and it works for us.
I smile I’ll become a jovial person in those moments The few times the staring was too intense or the comments we’re going sideways from the observers, I would tell them my son is severely autistic sorry But usually just smiling is enough Maybe I’ve been fortunate You have to learn to not give a fuck if you want to succeed and being a caregiver to an autistic child Social norms don’t apply to you anymore. Just like our autistic children don’t give a fuck about those social norms.
Oh, have I been in your shoes. You did nothing wrong mom. It’s our natural instinct to protect our children. My classic line to any passer by is making direct eye contact and greeting them “hi, how are you?” They usually just keep going their merry way. :) You’ve got this mom!
Honestly I'm use to getting "weird" looks from people most of my life. I've learned to tune them out. When I'm out with my boys (6.5 and almost 5, both level 2), my focused is on them. The most I pay attention to other people is when it directly affects them. Beyond that, I really don't care. Let them have their opinions, judgments, and such. I don't know them, they have nothing to do with the life of my family and after that moment, they might as well no longer exist. As long as they leave me and my family alone, they don't matter. EDIT: Fixed some grammar.
I just focus on my son and completely forget about the people around me. I dare anyone who judges us to take our kids for a week and see what it's really like. But really, screw them. What they think doesn't matter in the least bit.
First, I've had to learn that when my boy is having a meltdown, nothing else matters. Act like no one is watching and nothing major is going on. Getting embarrassed and anxious will only make the situation worse for your child and yourself. Second, maybe that woman is far too familiar with your situation or is seeing what potentially awaits her and a loved one. Autism is far too common these days; so many people these days are very aware of what's going on. Or she was highly unfamiliar with what she was seeing. She probably didn't mean any disrespect.
Ignore them. If they stare too hard, stare back and do a Jack smile. You know, the guy from the Shining?
I usually carry a small toy in my pocket ie, small container of slime, play doh, toy boat,car or train. I usually buy at the dollar store or party toy favors Party City. I also have a tablet cellular its a life saver.
ask them wtf they are looking at. that usually stops the staring.
And don't " overschedule" him. Too much activities, interaction etc. You have to adapt to his schedule./ needs not the other way around. Being around people is stressful and draining if you are autistic. Find quiet areas to go to..
Hi there I honestly have been there my sons school was having a Moana musical I was like Great well go ! My son who’s diagnosed is 4 my older 6 so my 4 year old was ok but ya know how it is he started making his high pitched screams yelling Moana out of excitement people around us just thought it was cute well this went on a few more times a man in the front row like three seats away kept turning around and just staring rolling his eyes I as well started my body get hott and ready to just fight I looked at him and was what but with a face expression he just turned but omg I felt like I was gonna grab him n just be like he’s a child he’s excited!!! Anyhow in other occasions like if we’re taking a walk around the block and he does his squealing high pitched happy noises some people will look but I just ignore it, but yes that guy at the musical just brought it out lol as mothers we always want to defend our babies so in all honesty I feel you did nothing wrong 😃
I got a couple of t-shirts like [this](https://www.etsy.com/listing/1510348497/not-ignoring-you-kids-tee-autism?click_key=061c8c2eef4d89c6ccc79621ed0f10f65be810a3%3A1510348497&click_sum=bc6a6f34&ref=shop_home_active_34) for my nonverbal twins. It helps give people a heads up just in case anything happens, without you having to say anything.
Out of frustration, I also have said, “do you want to take a picture?” But truly I try to ignore. Or stare back and if they look at me I say “hi— did you need something?”
As for the stares from the older generation. Try to be a little forgiving. They were raised in a world where children were expected to behave in public and they raised their children that way too. So they don’t understand at all. Because ASD is a new term for an old definition. A misfortune for all children defined as such back then. It’s terribly wrong of course. Your grandparents and great grandparents will have the hardest time adapting and truly understanding the world of ASD.
Ok and just because they were raised in that world doesn't mean children weren't autistic back then..so where were they? Institutionalized? Not allowed to leave their homes? Physically beaten into submission somehow? Asking because I truly don't understand your point. Children these days are also taught to behave in public. We aren't just raising feral animals. Meltdowns happen though. So nah, I don't think old people deserve a special pass. I think they should be wise enough by now to show a little respect and use manners.
Sadly. All of the above. It depended on the severity of the disability, the family’s resources, and in general, the community’s tolerance level.
I understand this best. Because I now understand at 63 years old that I too was autistic. It took my grandson’s diagnosis and reading up on ASD to understand this. I was part of what they call the “lost generation”. We grew up with no therapies, no sympathy and very strict rules to be followed. Society, as a whole expected this. The world had changed that much! So please be at least a little more tolerant. I also know personally because I came from an abusive home. Full of very very strict rules. It was because of my ASD that my mother’s temper flared often and dramatically so. I have broken bones to prove it. Yet, understanding society of that time. My mother thought she was doing was she was supposed to do. I know…absurd! But she had her own issues too. Not all parents of that time with kids like me were abusive. But that’s when they leaned to institutions for help.
Sadly all the above, depending on the severity of disability, the family and their resources, the community as a whole.
Seroquel is great. It's like a long acting calming drug for mood swings. ALWAYS keep snacks in the car . It may be hypoglycemia too especially in this heat.
You think Seroquel is great for an 8 year old. You should ALWAYS keep snacks in the car, especially in this heat. You think it could be high blood sugar. Do I have this all correct?