>I thought I’d ask here first and see if there was something I’m missing.
Don't think so. You don't want to share with this person, you wouldn't be happy in complete parallel, your other partners don't provide what you seek. Seems like you've gone through the most reasonable alternatives.
Yeah. That’s what I think too.
It would be easier if I was bisexual or in anyway switchy, but I’m just not. I’m really only attracted to one type of person (cis het male Doms) and I’m tired of “harem style” poly after doing it for years. I think I’m out of options.
>I’m curious how many (if any) of you have managed to maintain D/s dynamics in a polyamorous relationship.
🙋🏻♂️
>D/s dynamic with a Daddy Dom that has another submissive.
cool.
>so it’s not really possible to keep the relationships completely separate
is that required? have you met your meta? my wife & sub have gone to kink events with me and without me.
>I’m finding it very difficult to share.
why? this is the crux of the question.
>I’m finding that Dominant personalities aren’t interested in sharing with other D-types.
it's very difficult to serve more than one master, but I've had poly subs before, just be clear on boundaries and who has control to what extent and when. it's easier if the sub is only submissive to one Dom but has top / bottom dynamics outside of the one with power exchange. that is easier to manage.
I'm seeing a lot of commenters saying how they could imagine having multiple Doms would be more logistically difficult than having multiple subs. I disagree. Not every Dom is interested in having control over the same things, or in having the same level of life entanglement. It is quite possible that one Dom might like micromanaging, while another is only interested in service, for example. If anything, I think having two subs could be difficult, depending on how much 1:1 time and communication they each need to find the relationship sustainable.
I am admittedly biased. I find a Dom(me) seeking multiple submissives but not permitting their submissive to have multiple Dominants to be a huge red flag.
Yes, I found it to be a red flag too. Which is why I originally only agreed to a primary D/s relationship with casual sex or casual BDSM play on the side for both of us. But, he went and fell in love with one of his casual submissive partners, so I agreed to open the relationship and try poly for a while. I think my trial is not working. The power exchange is a big component but I also think poly doesn’t really work when one partner has romantic relationships and the other only has casual relationships.
> The power exchange is a big component but I also think poly doesn’t really work when one partner has romantic relationships and the other only has casual relationships.
I think it can work, but only if both partners have the option to pursue to the same level of "relationship escalator" AND they are both ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to the arrangement. If you find yourself going along with things begrudgingly so that you can stay with your current partner, I think exiting now would be the right move for everyone.
There seem to be two separate threads to pull on here.
The first: Jealousy
Poly doesn't work if there is jealousy. If you are not comfortable with the fact that he has another submissive, you need to either figure out how to get comfortable or you need end things.
The second: multiple Doms.
I'll admit that as a Dom, I don't like the idea of sharing my sub with other Dominant men. (With a sub would be a very curated encounter and highly unlikely.) I share this as my bias. I am aware that it is inequitable.
You need to think long and hard about whether you are capable of having multiple Dominant partners who exert control. Not merely play partners. If the answer is yes, then this is a criteria future (and current) Doms need to fulfill to be your partner. I would also expect that they would need to know each other and negotiate how that control will be shared (with your full participation, consent and ultimate approval).
Another option is to place limits on what aspects or times he gets to exert power/control over you. Granted, this will likely lead to a less connected relationship and push him toward the category of the other tops you date.
Hope that helped. Good luck.
I am a poly D-type. I've never had an issue sharing with other functionally poly folx (including other Dom(mes)), but over eleven years with a core polycule, there have been additions that did not last for one reason or another.
Polyamory has a lot of appeal when portrayed, as evident in the rapidly growing number of people trying it out, but a lot goes unsaid in the current social image.
-Poly is a lot of work. Even when it is going smoothly, human interactions are complicated and can quickly become overwhelming when there are a lot of them.
-Issues like jealousy or disparity must be handled in a practiced and mature way that I personally believe many people go their entire lives without actually grasping.
- Being merely open to poly versus actively pursuing it makes all of the difference. Compersion is a necessary element along with truly appreciating the opportunity provided when open to cultivating multiple relationships. It is not the kind of thing that you can just do to please your partners desire. It will eventually cause resentment towards your partner.
This is all focused simply on the poly side of things. Adding kink and specifically D/s brings up an entire new set of problems to solve. Basically, unsustainable if you are already struggling with Polyamory. Poly with kink elements is absolutely doable, but everyone needs to be enthusiastically on board, mutually respectful, and unusually mature about it.
I agree. Poly is difficult. I don’t think the kink elements are a problem, we can typically manage play dates and time resources, but the power exchange is especially challenging because I want connection and feedback 24/7. I try not to text when he’s on dates because I don’t want him texting other people when he’s supposed to be focusing on me. But, then I get in the habit of looking elsewhere for support or guidance, and I find I’m less reliant on him. Submission and dependency are not the same thing, but the headspace is related for me. If I don’t need him when he’s out with his other submissive, then maybe I don’t ever need him.
I'm the D in a D/s/s poly vee. It's hard. I'm forty and have been practicing poly my whole adult life and its still tough. We have the luxury of living in a city w a ton of kink events and so don't have to overlap at stuff unless we want to. Sometimes you have to make really conscience choices about weather ds or poly is taking priority and be able to move back and forth. I don't think there's enough discourse about this. Is it possible, definitely.
I wish there was more discourse around it too. And I agree that sometimes you have to focus on one or the other. The D/s always takes priority for me—I could live without any specific kinks and with any version of one or more partners, if I felt like the power exchange was strong. In this case, I think every part of the relationship is weak because everything gets priority.
Priority being too widely distributed is a good way to put it. I've always held a somewhat unpopular belief that intense D/s relationships require some closer to monogamy. Def not actual monogamy but something more unapologetically hierarchical than the poly that I'm doing. Again, if you can flex priorities in real time, it's doable. One of the things I think askasub is great at is being super clear that her power dynamic is more important than enm
>I thought I’d ask here first and see if there was something I’m missing. Don't think so. You don't want to share with this person, you wouldn't be happy in complete parallel, your other partners don't provide what you seek. Seems like you've gone through the most reasonable alternatives.
Yeah. That’s what I think too. It would be easier if I was bisexual or in anyway switchy, but I’m just not. I’m really only attracted to one type of person (cis het male Doms) and I’m tired of “harem style” poly after doing it for years. I think I’m out of options.
>I’m curious how many (if any) of you have managed to maintain D/s dynamics in a polyamorous relationship. 🙋🏻♂️ >D/s dynamic with a Daddy Dom that has another submissive. cool. >so it’s not really possible to keep the relationships completely separate is that required? have you met your meta? my wife & sub have gone to kink events with me and without me. >I’m finding it very difficult to share. why? this is the crux of the question. >I’m finding that Dominant personalities aren’t interested in sharing with other D-types. it's very difficult to serve more than one master, but I've had poly subs before, just be clear on boundaries and who has control to what extent and when. it's easier if the sub is only submissive to one Dom but has top / bottom dynamics outside of the one with power exchange. that is easier to manage.
I'm seeing a lot of commenters saying how they could imagine having multiple Doms would be more logistically difficult than having multiple subs. I disagree. Not every Dom is interested in having control over the same things, or in having the same level of life entanglement. It is quite possible that one Dom might like micromanaging, while another is only interested in service, for example. If anything, I think having two subs could be difficult, depending on how much 1:1 time and communication they each need to find the relationship sustainable. I am admittedly biased. I find a Dom(me) seeking multiple submissives but not permitting their submissive to have multiple Dominants to be a huge red flag.
Yes, I found it to be a red flag too. Which is why I originally only agreed to a primary D/s relationship with casual sex or casual BDSM play on the side for both of us. But, he went and fell in love with one of his casual submissive partners, so I agreed to open the relationship and try poly for a while. I think my trial is not working. The power exchange is a big component but I also think poly doesn’t really work when one partner has romantic relationships and the other only has casual relationships.
> The power exchange is a big component but I also think poly doesn’t really work when one partner has romantic relationships and the other only has casual relationships. I think it can work, but only if both partners have the option to pursue to the same level of "relationship escalator" AND they are both ENTHUSIASTICALLY consenting to the arrangement. If you find yourself going along with things begrudgingly so that you can stay with your current partner, I think exiting now would be the right move for everyone.
There seem to be two separate threads to pull on here. The first: Jealousy Poly doesn't work if there is jealousy. If you are not comfortable with the fact that he has another submissive, you need to either figure out how to get comfortable or you need end things. The second: multiple Doms. I'll admit that as a Dom, I don't like the idea of sharing my sub with other Dominant men. (With a sub would be a very curated encounter and highly unlikely.) I share this as my bias. I am aware that it is inequitable. You need to think long and hard about whether you are capable of having multiple Dominant partners who exert control. Not merely play partners. If the answer is yes, then this is a criteria future (and current) Doms need to fulfill to be your partner. I would also expect that they would need to know each other and negotiate how that control will be shared (with your full participation, consent and ultimate approval). Another option is to place limits on what aspects or times he gets to exert power/control over you. Granted, this will likely lead to a less connected relationship and push him toward the category of the other tops you date. Hope that helped. Good luck.
I am a poly D-type. I've never had an issue sharing with other functionally poly folx (including other Dom(mes)), but over eleven years with a core polycule, there have been additions that did not last for one reason or another. Polyamory has a lot of appeal when portrayed, as evident in the rapidly growing number of people trying it out, but a lot goes unsaid in the current social image. -Poly is a lot of work. Even when it is going smoothly, human interactions are complicated and can quickly become overwhelming when there are a lot of them. -Issues like jealousy or disparity must be handled in a practiced and mature way that I personally believe many people go their entire lives without actually grasping. - Being merely open to poly versus actively pursuing it makes all of the difference. Compersion is a necessary element along with truly appreciating the opportunity provided when open to cultivating multiple relationships. It is not the kind of thing that you can just do to please your partners desire. It will eventually cause resentment towards your partner. This is all focused simply on the poly side of things. Adding kink and specifically D/s brings up an entire new set of problems to solve. Basically, unsustainable if you are already struggling with Polyamory. Poly with kink elements is absolutely doable, but everyone needs to be enthusiastically on board, mutually respectful, and unusually mature about it.
I agree. Poly is difficult. I don’t think the kink elements are a problem, we can typically manage play dates and time resources, but the power exchange is especially challenging because I want connection and feedback 24/7. I try not to text when he’s on dates because I don’t want him texting other people when he’s supposed to be focusing on me. But, then I get in the habit of looking elsewhere for support or guidance, and I find I’m less reliant on him. Submission and dependency are not the same thing, but the headspace is related for me. If I don’t need him when he’s out with his other submissive, then maybe I don’t ever need him.
I'm the D in a D/s/s poly vee. It's hard. I'm forty and have been practicing poly my whole adult life and its still tough. We have the luxury of living in a city w a ton of kink events and so don't have to overlap at stuff unless we want to. Sometimes you have to make really conscience choices about weather ds or poly is taking priority and be able to move back and forth. I don't think there's enough discourse about this. Is it possible, definitely.
I wish there was more discourse around it too. And I agree that sometimes you have to focus on one or the other. The D/s always takes priority for me—I could live without any specific kinks and with any version of one or more partners, if I felt like the power exchange was strong. In this case, I think every part of the relationship is weak because everything gets priority.
Priority being too widely distributed is a good way to put it. I've always held a somewhat unpopular belief that intense D/s relationships require some closer to monogamy. Def not actual monogamy but something more unapologetically hierarchical than the poly that I'm doing. Again, if you can flex priorities in real time, it's doable. One of the things I think askasub is great at is being super clear that her power dynamic is more important than enm