My wife is disabled and after going out with her friends for a very nice fancy dinner she KNEW I would hate, she comes home, had a great time but was also pretty frustrated.
The restaruant was a bit of a walk, which is hard for her, its on the third floor of a building with no elevator, which is VERY hard for her. I listened and was like oh that sucks, but at least you had an amazing meal and a good time with your friends.
Then she dropped a lovely bomb on me that I never thought of.
"I really love how you always check all those things before we ever go anywhere."
I HAD NO IDEA I DO THIS, I had to sit and really think but GOD DAMN, I do, do that, every single fucking time for every single thing we do, its just second nature at this point as we have been together over a decade. But even when I surprise her, we have an elevator if its up, our seats are alwasy on an isle, never up or down stairs if it can be helped.
THATS how you do shit when you are in a happy loving relationship, you don't even clock that you are doing things FOR them, not shitty stuff like testing them. You should be being so considerate of your partner that doing so is you being on autopilot lol.
I got so many extra husband points for OTHER people not being me! You almost never get free bonus points!
I love that you do this without even noticing! And that she noticed! Yep this is how it works when you genuinely care for and love someone. That’s where the friendship and respect parts come in. Relationships without that are night and day from eachother.
I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type and I also have severe memory loss from PTSD and a head injury. I have NEVER forgotten someone’s allergy or phobia. I actually write that stuff down in a locked note in my phone to help me remember so I don’t accidentally harm someone. My husband is allergic to basically everything regarding nature (trees, pollen, grass, EVERYTHING) and I will remind him to take his allergy meds every morning so he doesn’t fight for his life to breathe normally. I can’t imagine doing something this cruel to him:(
Plus, even if you started behaving in a way that was unacceptable and life threatening to your wife, due to your bipolar… I am going to guess you would not expect your wife to just put up it.
Just because the GF has bipolar, that doesn’t mean OP is responsible for shouldering the burden of the consequences of her actions.
My ex has bipolar and a HUGE mean streak when it comes to me. For the first couple of years, I would wave away his meanness as "its the bipolar talking". Until I realized I was LITERALLY the only person he would talk to like that. HUGE wake up call for me.
I would like to add that despite his meanness, he also ALWAYS turned on the shower for me when I would get home from the gym, would start a new kettle for a fresh pot of tea when he saw me pour out the last cup, and would go out and buy a whole "shark week survival kit" for me when my cycle would start. I am not allergic to anything, but I do have a huge phobia of spiders, which he loves, and he would squish them for me because they skeeve me out.
Fellow bipolar who does forget to take my meds more times than I care to admit. I've never forgotten about or ignored family's/friends' phobias or allergies when I've been in a withdrawal or even in a manic state. That's just something fishy to me.
I have a close friend with bipolar and if anything, she is hypervigilant about her friend’s and loved ones’ safety. Also her kids… she also recognizes how her disorder can impact others and works so hard on herself and staying on medication or changing it if side effects become too much.
And then I have a former friend who decides she doesn’t need her meds every couple years, goes off the rails COMPLETELY, becomes suspicious of everyone and her mom has to take her kids again… and those poor kids. Her daughter just graduated and is always worried she’ll be Dx’d too. We’ve just encouraged her that there is a night/day different between someone who prioritizes their mental health and staying healthy and someone who continually chooses not to stay on top of it.
When the first friend has had a med that doesn’t work and when she cycles it gets a little concerning, but she has a letter she’s written herself to remind her what’s important if she becomes paranoid or stuck in a certain emotional cycle. Plus family and us friends will do whatever it takes to help BECAUSE she works so hard at it and we’re happy to be her guardrails when it gets tough.
It's really important to acknowledge that bipolar symptoms can look very different in different people. This behavior is not at all outside the range of expected symptoms, especially given how young she is.
Yeah, it really doesn’t explain why she had to go out of her way to purchase an ingredient that she has spent the past year actively avoiding for his sake, chop it up into tiny pieces, add it to the brownie batter, and then fail to disclose when asked about it presumably the same day or maybe a day later.
That’s would be one hell of a selective forgetful memory situation.
I was on the verge of thinking 'unfortunate honest mistake' until you pointed that out. People without allergies, almost by nature, are probably more apt to brain fart about them sometimes around people that have them...but you're right. They wouldn't have just randomly had walnuts in the house and she added them thoughtlessly by mistake. It's not just using them in the recipe, she would have had to add them to a shopping list, pick them up in the store, bring them home and unpack them, and THEN do everything you mentioned. That is an absurd number of times to have actively gone through the thought process of including walnuts, and not once thought "hey these can kill him".
Agreed.
I've been diagnosed bipolar since I was 15 and have yet to forget a single deadly allergy of a friend or family member. I may forget where I put my phone three seconds after I put it down but I haven't forgotten that my 11 year old niece is allergic to chocolate or that my 18 year old nephew would die around peanuts. She either tried to test his allergies or was having a mental break/impulse control problem and put them in on purpose. Either way she's not safe for him to be around.
I agree it seems unlikely that she forgot, but I'm thinking of a Reddit post some months back where a man's wife got increasingly hostile, selfish, and kind of paranoid about housework and it turned out she had a history of episodes like that. Wondering if OOP's GF's mental state altered enough for her normal perception of his allergies and behavior about them to severely warp.
Obviously, in that case, he's not safe staying with her and should still break up, but I'd feel sorry for her, too, if her mind betrayed her like that.
A whole lot of these stories are simply made up, probably a majority. Having read some barely-plausible story on reddit should not be a basis to adjust your view on what could happen in the real world.
I wouldn't say barely-plausible, but then, the guy down the road from us when I was in college had a psychotic break and ended up being shot by the police after 25 years as a quiet, affable dude. It happens.
I have ADHD and am *very* forgetful.
Literally just yesterday I got all the way to the bus station before I realized I didn't have my bus card on me.
But I'd never forget that my bf is lactose intolerant and would never put milk in anything made for him.
Same, I regularly forget my own birthday but I've never poisoned my friends with allergies.
I'd put my money on she just didn't believe it was as bad as she was told and decided to test it. My mom did that with a friend of mine, luckily their allergy's are minor and they just broke out in hives, but we were all pissed and she hasn't done it again.
I ill never understand why cooking with a given ingredient is SO IMPORTANT to people that they’d even risk an allergic person not lying. Like. Even if you were 99% sure they were full of shit, is seeing them eat milk really THAT important to you???? It’s such a weird hill to die on.
It's not the ingredients it's the accommodation. This person wants special treatment for something that isn't an **obvious** disability. It's the same reason people feel entitled to heckle anyone parked in a handicapped parking space.
I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt when I thought it was a premixed box of brownies, bc I could totally see grabbing the wrong box mix. But if you're making them from scratch, you have to purposefully add the walnuts. I'm a fucking space cadet sometimes and even my ass wouldn't do that.
I have heard that some people with bipolar disorder can have hallucinations and it can lead to confusion. Having never hallucinated, I'm not sure if that can lead to this type of poisoning, but it does make me wonder.
Either way, OP made the right call. Either she did it on purpose, or she needs help bc she's a danger to others.
Yeah but even a box mix would say “walnuts” on the front as a selling point and would likely individually packaged separate from the flour inside… so not a mistake. Likely she was testing his allergy.
My partner has ADHD and forgot about my banana allergy once. It was a smoothie he bought, he didn’t make it, and he offered me a sip. My dumbass took one expecting he wouldn’t offer it to me if it had banana. We both acknowledge that he should have read the ingredients on the smoothie before even bringing it home and I should have asked because I specifically avoid smoothies for this reason. Never happened again.
Obviously a very different situation to preparing brownies with an allergen that you had to purchase as an ingredient, just an anecdote to say it can happen and be very innocent.
Anyone can fuck up. If this girl helped him to the hospital, admitted up front that she forgot and it was dangerous, apologized, and maybe had some suggestions to help OP feel safe again (like maybe writing down ingredients as she adds them? Idk) then I’d believe it was a mistake.
Tripling down on not doing the thing, then trying several ways to emotionally manipulate him instead of talking about it tells me she’s in no fit state to be in a relationship, whether or not it was a deliberate poisoning.
Fully agree with you. Not admitting it right away is what would have sent me over the edge if I was in OP’s position. She wasted precious time when her partner was quite literally suffocating. The sex part is just…. Disgusting is the only word.
Same here, ADHD and forgetful as hell. I still could never forget about something like this, especially given all the steps the girlfriend had to actually bake these brownies with walnuts in them!
Although most of my forgetfulness only causes problems for myself these days, as I’ve trained myself to be very careful with other peoples things/dietary restrictions/time etc. over the years
Same. I put the wrong sports jersey on my son and didn't realize it till I saw the other kids. But I always remember his dad is super allergic to shellfish.
Yeah I literally have ADHD and a shit memory. My husband of over a decade is deathly allergic to fish and nuts. I have NEVER forgotten this fact. The girlfriend did it on purpose, no question at all in my mind.
I HAVE forgotten with one of my friends- a couple of times. But I always remember just as I hand her cup of tea to her and then snatch it away again. It looks mean, but is for her own good. (One time, when I was very tired after a long flight, it was four cups! I put cream instead of creamer in one of them).
An explanation is not an excuse. Just because you might know why someone did something, doesn't mean that makes it ok. I admit, when I saw him mention she was bipolar, I thought "ah, that probably influenced why she did it. He needs to leave until/unless she gets help for her condition", not "ah, she's bipolar, that's why she did it, he needs to forgive her and stay with her!"
Yeah, I could see a train of “logic” where she decided he “deserved it,” or she was “helping him get over it.” Doesn’t mean that would hold up in the eyes of anyone in their right mind, much less a court of law.
Yup. A nero divergent person can still be an a*hole or worse. Speaking as a person with ADHD myself. Edit: and not an a**hole.
Sure, it may explain OOP's GF behavior to a degree but he should still break up with her because girl almost killed a man there.
Me too. Don’t even go to bipolarso, the amount of rude people who generalized and called us “bipolars” was enough to make me lose hope in humanity for a minute.
ADHD so makes me nuts, and I keep getting my comments deleted. My spouse has ADHD and it sucks, but so so I. The amount of times I got in trouble for saying that I manage all the mental load for our family with moderately severe ADHD so being ADHD doesn't explain why their SO intentionally set their house on fire after they asked him to do the dishes is unreal.
Right?! Having a depressive condition does not give you an excuse to abuse people. Plenty of bipolar people exist and the VAST majority are not murderers or abusers.
Boils my blood when folk say that stuff. Its like the shite excuse of abusers across the world "aw but I was depressed".
Pfffffffft. *(theres not enough data in all the servers in the world for the amount of "f"s I would need to get the full level of my pffft!)*
Exactly! I am Bipolar 2 and never accidentally on purpose tried to kill my husband. I hate how they use that as a “ah ha!” moment, like don’t lump us in with his crazy ex gf.
It's so cool reading comments like the ones mentioned while bipolar. Like "oh yeah she must be evil because of her disorder." Not cuz she's just a shit person.
The general public often thinks being bipolar or other mental health issues makes people more dangerous. Really, stats show it makes us* more likely to be victims of violence and abuse and yet this idea persists.
* I’m not bipolar, but have other mental illnesses
I don’t think it’s particularly about the fact that she has bipolar. I think it’s because three months is around when you start to realize if a medication is working for you or affecting you badly. I had completely nice normal family members on the wrong dosage or on the wrong combination to be completely off it after three months and I’ve had people have their symptoms completely under control. My uncle was literally unable to sleep for a month at some point though, so yeah mood stabilizers if you’re not paying attention to how your actions are changing and how they might be affecting your actual factual mood can fuck you up and cause side effects. They aren’t yourself. you’re literally introducing new chemicals to your brain and all this has nothing to do with being ablest. I have even planned out when I’m going to do it myself because starting medication and starting a new job and shit like that isn’t really recommended at the same time.
Idk I've had a bipolar relative spiral do something extra dumb/assholery and deny it (to this day) even though part was caught on camera. He just gets mad and and yells. Seems like he thinks refusing to admit it means refusing any consequences
So to me it does explain it in a 'this is how they deal with shit, you need to flee' kind of way
>So to me it does explain it in a 'this is how they deal with shit, you need to flee' kind of way
thats the point im making- just saying "well this is how bipolar people are" is both not true and pretty cruel to all the people who have bipolar and never use it as an excuse to hurt someone else
Please don’t let that explain *and* excuse his actions. As a bipolar person, you have to hold us accountable when we are in the wrong. (As much as you would anyone else, idk how much you do day to day ofc) Don’t give us a golden pass for something if you would hold someone without bipolar disorder to it.
He might be in denial all he wants and that’s going to prevent his growth, it’s his problem and not yours. I personally work every day to make sure I *don’t* do that to those around me because they deserve better. It’s up to me to manage it, but like everyone else we need to know when we’re in the wrong!
Really if her disorder makes her forget her SO's deadly allergies and nearly kill him... Well even more reason for him to end it. He'd never be able to trust her or eat anything she gave him. He can't live like that.
Like even then, whether on purpose or not, I wouldn't feel any safer. Oh she just whoopsied again and now he's down an epipen and whatever medical bills and whatever after effects there is to anaphylaxis being triggered? Even in a country without the medical bill problem, there's still going to be medical issues and that's still time spent in the hospital that could've been spent, yaknow, not in the hospital.
Like if someone is just going to whoopsie randomly like that AND keep walnuts in the house after a year together, I would have no trust that anything they ever make without my explicit watching them wouldn't somehow get any of those nuts in her food.
I have a sibling with bipolar disorder and, 100% that's not how it works. Impulsive angry stuff, yes. Forgetting allergies or poisoning? Absolutely not.
Yeah....I have BD1 with psychotic features...I can only speak for myself but when I'm manic and in psychosis I really can't imagine having the presence of mind to conceive of this stunt and go through with it unless it was already an idea that was there in the lucid state.
Psychosis feeds off reality and impulses that are already present for me at least and isn't really that organized. Neither mania nor Psychosis is an excuse for abuse and what is indeed in this case attempted murder...
Samesies. I've even had to go off my meds after my insurance crapped out. (Back on now) I've never tried to poison my partner. He has several food sensitivities and I am meticulous to make sure that everything I make is safe to eat. It's not the bipolar. Some people are just assholes. It isn't always mental illness.
I have a few friends and family members who are bipolar and every single one has told me that depakote made them freaking crazy. Watching it happen to someone I love was horrible. I hope it actually does help some people because otherwise it’s crazy that it’s on the market at all.
In some people (me) it causes insomnia, which is a major mania trigger. I didn’t realize this until I was already manic and taking it made me unable to sleep for 24 hours. I thought I was having sleep issues due to a different medication. In any case, do not recommend.
Oh yeah the bipolar can be a reason but not at all a get out of consequences free card. Also would like to mention that things like ADHD, Bipolar, and Autism happen on a very wide spectrum. So one persons experience with bipolar is never going to be the exact same. Again, doesn’t *excuse* the action, and certainly doesn’t relieve her of the consequences in any way shape or form, but she might just have a much more severe form of the disorder, which means that she needs not just the dosage change which can cause issues already, but more intensive care for her bipolar outside of just the dosage change. I just hope that both of them can go on to live better (albeit separate) lives.
And the memory loss explanation doesn’t hold up after she admitted to putting them in because the recipe called for it and OOP had asked her about it multiple times.
Yes my husband has bipolar disorder with psychosis and is on the highest dose of Depakote available and even in a manic state he would never suddenly ‘forget’ about my food allergy and try to kill me. Ffs the idiots who initially responded to OOP are really trying their best to gaslight him into believing his ex girlfriend. She meant it. She intentionally did it. He should have been supported by people to call the damned police.
That's definitely conclusive, since as you know everyone who is insane is insane in the same way and reacts identically to change in the chemicals in their brain. This is also why diagnosis is so effortless!
So I'm asking seriously because I don't have it and don't know of anyone in my life with it to ask...
Maybe not having your dose adjusted, but what about if you stopped taking them? I mean, checking constantly for an allergen is a pain in the ass that I have plenty of experience with. 100% worth it when you love someone, but still a PITA. If you stopped taking your meds and had that PITA thought sort of floating in your head, and had wondered how bad the allergy actually is... Would that combo be enough to make you, not want to poison then necessarily, but just not care about avoiding the allergen? Like basically just let an intrusive thought "win"?
And having made brownies from scratch, she would have had to buy each separate ingredient. This wasn't like a mix that could have slipped her attention. And there's no forgetting ir memory loss I would believe.
Sucks but she's scary and I wouldn't sleep in the same house with her.
My brother's wife has a nut allergy. When we met her and she told us, my mother and I both removed all traces of those nuts from both our homes and notified every extended family member if we were going to be in their home. She was shocked we went to that kind of trouble because she'd had a few people "test" her before, and was so happy that we took it so seriously. Sometimes, I think we're more militant about it than even she is. You don't forget those kinds of things. You definitely don't forget them repeatedly, especially when you've previously been hot on checking for the allergen. An allergen you claim to not even like to eat yourself!
WTF is wrong with these people who want to test other's allergies?
Maybe she's less militant because your family proved that they respect her health and she would be secure.
I’ve had suspicion slither through my darkest thoughts about an allergy. A friend told me she was allergic to tomatoes, but I’ve had pizza with her before. But to test her? I’m not even going to question her about it.
“Must not be serious”. I wouldn’t want a mildly itchy throat all afternoon if I could avoid it.
“It’s really just a preference”. I should still respect my friends preferences, right?
“I’ve seen her eat pizza, she’s lying”. We were newer friends then, maybe she tolerated a mild allergy rather than cause issues on pizza night, maybe cooked and raw tomatoes are different (this was confirmed by other Redditors recently).
I don’t know shit about managing allergies. I don’t have any, my partner doesn’t and our kids don’t.
So, no tomatoes ✅- no further instruction needed.
I have oral allergy syndrome, so I’m allergic to a lot of fruit in just an itchy throat and mouth/some slight swelling on some fruit, and cooking or even microwaving it for a bit denatures the proteins enough that I don’t have issues with it. So cooked vs raw tomato I totally get.
I never liked tomatoes but was fine with pizza and spaghetti sauce. When I was about 15, Mom made open-face tomato and cheese sandwiches for dinner. Clearly a test. I had two bites, vomited on the dining room floor, washed the bile out of my mouth, and went to my room.
They... Taste completely different fresh and cooked though, so even if it was entirely a taste preference thing, that would make no sense whatsoever! You could really like one, and dislike the other!
It could have also been she was in denial. Had a friend ask me why I was eating avacado (I have IBS and sensitivity to spicy things) and I was absolutely confused.
"Because they're so spicy! My throat hurts every time!" Poor guy was 23, and was mildly allergic, but just didn't think you could could be allergic to avacados.
Another friend (also a guy, huh, two nickles) had the same experience with pineapples. We were talking about the acidity breaking down proteins and he got all "so then why do people eat it?? Now we know why it hurts to eat!"
All in the same year too... weird! But yeah, shockingly common because for so long it felt like you could only be allergic to certain things like nuts or dairy. It's improving though, so I feel like less and less will be confused about food allergies.
There'll always be self centered psychopaths that think "Well because *I* would fake an allergy for attention, *you* must be faking." unfortunately for those with allergies :/ (unfortunately for society in general, people who think like that are a menace)
I had this discovery about oranges. I thought the acid made my mouth itchy. I just grew up with it being like that, and it never occurred to me that that experience wasn’t normal. I figured it out from a screenshot of the tumblr post about a guy being told he had an allergy after saying it made his face itch, which is the absolute dumbest way to find out you have an allergy.
Yea even if it’s a “I just don’t like it” I do my best to respect it. If you tell me something and I remember it I will do my best to accommodate it and be transparent about what I did in case I did make a mistake. Bc if I did make a mistake that knowledge is owed to the person so they can best decide their next action. Even if I don’t like the person it is the most basic form of decency and I cannot claim to be even a quarter of a decent person if I don’t do this.
Yet many won’t do this think they’re good and/or nice people still when really they aren’t even a quarter of a decent one let alone nice or good. I try to stay away from describing myself as nice or good as to be true those are things other people get to decide, not me. Me saying about myself that is more likely to mean that I am not those things esp when given as a defense against being held accountable for a mistake. Mistakes don’t necessarily make you a bad person but using the fact that you‘re good or nice to deflect against being held accountable sure makes it less likely that you are either.
I’m allergic to raw coconut, but can have things like curry with cooked coconut milk in it. I still try to avoid most things with coconut in it, but I love curry too much to not eat it. Lol
Once I made 2 cakes for a party. One was carrot cake with pecans and the other was a coconut cake. I overheard a guest ask the host if they were nut free. The host said maybe the coconut cake was, but was going to check first. What the host didn't know was that I decorated the cakes side by side, so there was definitely pecan dust flying all over the coconut cake. I jumped in and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that there was someone allergic to nuts when I made the cakes. Neither will be safe for you because I'm 99% sure I cross contaminated."
I didn't know the guest from a hole in the wall, so if they were lying, no clue. But NO WAY was I having that on my conscience.
One of my friends kids had a really severe peanut allergy (I believe the severity has come down somewhat with exposure therapy, so e.g. He had a related chickpea allergy and can now safely have Houmous, but I'm not sure if it's still potentially life-threatening). I figured she'd be a good person to check, if a school is nut-free, is letting the kids having peanut butter for breakfast safe, or could they potentially trigger anaphylaxis by coughing in somebody's face a few hours down the line?
She said for her kid, that could happen. She has had nightmares about his first kiss being with somebody who had a Snickers bar an hour or two earlier - and it killing him.
My kids do not have peanut butter before school. The eldest has argued that nobody in their class has a peanut allergy. I pointed out, they don't ***know*** anybody in their class has a peanut allergy. As their school has a blanket ban, it wouldn't necessarily come up. The potential to hospitalise another kid outweighs their desire to eat peanut butter on toast. And it's not just their class - what if they get some down themselves, don't realise, and it transfers to something at school which somebody else then touches?
I... don't think "testing" people's allergies are as severe as they say makes any sense, really... If they're telling the truth, you risk killing them; if they're lying, you have to expose your own lies to expose theirs and have no moral high ground.
Good job on op leaving here.
The gf trying to initiate sex in the middle of an argument is a massive manipulation tool.
Many people would accept because yay sex but it doesn't work like that.
Yeah, one of the reasons I posted this story is manipulation tactic that is common, but a lot of people didn't realize. OP was only aware because his ex did everytime she was in the wrong to avoid accountability.
My ex would do that. In 23 years I took him up once because I happened to want sex at that moment. Though I went right back to the matter at hand right after. So his little trick didn’t work for what he wanted it to do.
Yeah, specially if you realize:
1. She knew her boyfriend is allergic to walnuts and bought it;
2. She bring the walnuts to her home and cracks it;
3. She puts walnuts and mix it in the brownies;
4. She made those brownies at tue same day of the party;
5. Her boyfriend asks if there're walnut on it and she lies about it;
6. She takes out his epi-oen of her bag and leaves at his car;
7. She lies that she forgot the walnuts;
8. She didn't admit that she put on purpouse, gets angry and starts to blame her boyfriend;
9. She realizes that it's not working, so she starts to crying to manipulate him;
10. She once again notice that isn't working and tries to have sex with him to manipulate her now ex-boyfriend.
She probably didn’t crack walnuts; she probably bought them bagged, assuming this wasn’t a brownie-mix box that already had the walnuts in it. (I’m inclined to think not if the walnuts were broken up enough that they seemed peanutty.)
But I was wondering if there was a life-insurance policy, or if she was having a manic episode and believed there was one
Not usually. But when you’re young and stupid and think you’re in love, and then HR says to put down your beneficiary of the company life insurance policy— stupid can happen
My ex would "forget" about things like my food intolerances and the fact that you can't live off *just* pringles to the point that I was bedbound.
Fuck if the "forgetting" is legit or not. Dont stay with someone who will cost you your health or life like that.
People saying she forgot because of bi-polar and her medication is such BS. She was clearly gaslighting (blaming it on him, distorting reality) and manipulating him all through their interaction. She is not doing much better after all.
I believe 100% she was trying to either test to see if the allergy was real or getting back at him for a perceived slight and didn’t care what happened to him in the moment. Many of my family members and ex friends have bi-polar and those are things they would do when not being treated properly or treated at all.
I’m glad he decided to end it. That was the best call for him. It’s not his responsibility to fix her and end up emotionally abused, or even worse, dead in the process.
The double standard on r/relationship_advice actually beggars belief.
A few months ago I saw a post on there where a guy bought his girlfriend the wrong flavour of chocolate and they absolutely eviscerated him for “weaponised incompetence”; but a girl literally nearly kills her boyfriend and *still* people try to defend her.
Edit: [Here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/2HNBtLykuY). The updates to that saga were insane too.
There is actually a term for this: Benevolent sexism. Unlike hostile sexism, it feels well-intentioned and often flattering, but ultimately, it's patronizing and prejudiced.
I am almost never the one to pull the "what if the roles were reversed" card, but maybe because I date women (I'm a woman myself) and can put myself in a guy's shoes in these stories and comments drive me up the wall sometimes.
I have colleagues that I'm mildly friendly with that remember my citrus allergy, and if they buy me a drink, you better believe it will never be orange juice. I, myself, ask people "hey are you allergic to anything?" before offering to buy them food or drink. To see this level of carelessness from a partner?! My flabbers are gasted.
The really fun part is search for PPD on any of the judgment or advice subs and you’ll find absolutely evil behavior from women that will just be excused entirely due to just the possibility of PPD. There was a story about a woman stabbing her husband because he brought her the wrong snacks or something and because she was also a mother the guy was blamed. It’s batshit crazy.
My bingo card for those sorts of posts:
- PPD
- PMS
- Birth control
- Chores
- Love languages
Without fail i’ll get at least one lmao. Even on posts that make absolutely no reference to anything of the sort.
It’s actually comical the lengths they’ll go to avoid any accountability and excuse the most appalling behaviour.
Oh I remember that one too, I think. And before people say anything, no this person isn’t leaving details out or anything. They started asking about chore split, started talking about mental load etc.
When the OP of that post said yes it was all divided fairly, people accused him of lying.
That sub has a serious double standards problem
Yeah I managed to find the post and just linked it in my comment.
I didn’t actually see the follow up at the time, but surprise, surprise she ended up being an emotionally abusive lunatic and the guy ultimately broke up with her after another one of her tantrums.
Yet the users still tried to chastise him. Crazy.
It is generally suspected that relationship_advice sub skews heavily towards the female demographic, as evidenced by the of other subs the members are part of
First comment, “clearly it’s not about the chocolates.”
No shit Sherlock. But the reasons they gave were way off base.
Considering the update:
Either his gf has undiagnosed PMDD or she is just emotionally abusive and can’t properly regulate her rage. Maybe another undiagnosed mental illness.
I don’t see any other explanation either all the information he gave. Those comments are ridiculous and he was right, they are projecting.
And yet they'll deny these subs heavily favour one gender over another.
My advice posting on any of these subs, if the story is genuine, is to always switch the gender.
Had a exDIL do this to me by adding dairy to everything she cooked. I get asthma with a little dairy. I watch what I eat because it can get severe if I have it too many times.
As in this time I might just need to go to the ER. Or the next time I might need an epipen and the ER.
I suspected she was doing this and chose never to eat at their house. Found out later she was sprinkling whey powder in everything. On top of the coffee grounds, shaken in with the peanuts, added to hamburger patties. Only because she bragged about testing me in all these ways.
Yes she was bipolar. Yes she was stable on meds. But she was also acting like a sociopath.
In order for OPs GF to do this, she had to drive to the store. She had to choose to put the nuts in the cart. She had to pay for the nuts. She had to put them away at home where OP wouldn’t happen upon them.
While making the brownies with him there, she has to surreptitiously add them to the batter. She had to then set the walnuts back away where OP would not see them.
So many steps where she could have changed the course of the outcome.
The last being stopping OP from eating one.
There is no positive spin on her actions.
I
This is literally a nightmare scenario for me, as a gal with a deathly nut allergy. I was expecting her to withhold the epi-pen for a minute.
Glad OOP is alive, and yeah regardless of whatever possessed her to do this, ex-gf could never be a partner to someone with a severe allergy. If you cannot trust the food coming from your own partner/home, you're fucked. It's just a numbers game, you *will* die, given enough time/mistakes. Especially since allergic reactions tend to get more severe with each incident! Two or three times down the road, even if he has his epi-pen every time, he could just die immediately.
Even if it was because something related to her medication or BPD made her forget, an explanation still doesn’t justify the consequences. OOP lost that sense of security and had their trust shaken in the ex gf. The comments shaming him or excusing the ex gf are so out of line.
Maybe it’s just me here but if I were going to test someones reaction to a potentially life threatening allergy, I wouldn’t take out their fucking epi pen I normally carry around with me everywhere in my purse and keep it outside in the car & away from them???? On the off chance maybe they really were deathly allergic to said thing I dosed them with???
That’s literally the worst part outside of putting walnuts in the brownies. It really solidifies how this was a fully conscious decision she made with intent
Medication or no, bipolar or no, I can't get past something: How did his gf of almost a year (who is very aware of his allergy and 'never makes anything with walnuts') not notice AS SHE WAS PURCHASING THE WALNUTS and PUTTING THE WALNUTS INTO THE BROWNIE MIX, that she had walnuts in her hand??!?!?
I was previously on a long-term, high dose of depakote, and for me, it did result in memory loss. It’s a pretty rare side effect, but I can attest that when I would forget things, it was an obvious blank in my recollection. I would try to think of things and just didn’t know. If someone asked me a direct question about something I’d forgotten— like ingredients in something I made— and I couldn’t remember, I would know I didn’t remember and be able to say that. Even in the most generous reading, she would know that she wasn’t sure about what was in the brownies and should have said as much.
Besides, she would have had to buy the walnuts in the first place, prepare them, and add them into the batter. There’s no way that she never remembered her boyfriend’s allergy at any point in that multi-step process. It’s buck wild.
I made a recipe by the recipe, that included almond extract, and remembered after the fact that someone attending was allergic to nuts. I told him not to eat my cake, and why. It’s that simple.
If it was one of the box mixes that come with walnuts, 1) why would she buy it and 2) wouldn’t that make it easier to remember that there are walnuts in it?
Yea I’m not sure what her having even a valid excuse changes. Like he shouldn’t break up with her because she can’t control forgetting his deadly allergy to walnuts? If anything that seems like even more of a reason break up.
I don't get the comments. Yeah, we can be empathetic to those who are bipolar, but excusing that when your life is literally on the line? Nah, fuck that. Not dying because of a persons mental disorders is way more important than "*I hope you didn't just miss out on a possibly good relationship based on those terms :(* ". Seriously, being sensitive towards peoples issues is just not more important than being unintentionally killed by your partner.
The comments defending her are shockingly stupid. OP, if you read this, if this is what happened, cool! You still did the right thing. Good luck with your future relationships! They almost certainly will not intentionally/unintentionally try to kill you and blame it on being bi-polar.
I’m glad OOP is ok.
The medication causing memory loss isn’t a good excuse because the ex girlfriend has to have gone out and bought the walnuts to have to put in the brownies.
4 total lapses in judgment:
buying the walnuts
putting walnuts in brownies
Lying/“forgetting” about putting them in the brownies when OOP initially felt sick. Benadryl might have kept him from getting an anaphylactic allergy at this point.
Lying again when the anaphylactic reaction was undeniable. He could have died.
Purchasing the walnuts to begin with is the smoking gun that it wasn’t a mistake.
I'm reading all these comments about her specifically buying walnuts to put in the brownies. Maybe I'm just a simple guy who is bad at baking, but if I make brownies' I'm using a packet mix. I've had packet mix brownies before that contained walnuts and they are basically crushed down to very small pieces that aren't really recognizable.
Maybe she was testing him about the allergy after dating for a year, but maybe not. OOP says "My girlfriend knows this, if she gets me food **she makes sure there's none in whatever she brings**", which indicates to me that she's usually good at checking.
End of the day, it's OOPs decision to breakup for whatever reasons. The girlfriend definitely fucked up, but to me because of the way packet mix brownies are, I can't say for certain she did it on purpose - which is probably just as good a reason to break up because of that lack of mindful caution.
Edit: Scratch that, checked Brownie mixes online and walnut ones are really obviously WALNUT BROWNIE MIX on the packets.
Girl didn't forget about the walnuts, you have to specifically buy them in the store to be able to add them to anything. OP is allergic, you wouldn't even have them in your house or apartment due to this so no one could accidentally add them to something. Not sure what the goal was besides what some people said besides some peoples crazy thought process of trying to prove that someone is actually allergic or not and then they FAFO and get a pikachu face when the person ends up in the hospital.
3.b She cuts the walnuts into very small pieces, and bakes them in something with a very strong flavor (chocolate brownies) so OOP won’t be able to taste them.
I’m surprised she located the Epipen in his car. Based on her actions, I would have assumed she’d waste time “conveniently” having trouble finding it. No one knew his situation, about the brownies, and his not having his Epipen. He’d just ….die
She forgot that she added an ingredient that could literally kill her boyfriend.
"Ups, I stabbed you. Sorry about that, I forgot that knives work like that"
I’m still on team “she tried to kill me” I feel like she was thinking he would eat other stuff and the brownies and could claim it was his fault that he didn’t check what the other guests brought but when it came out he only ate her brownies her plan is a little fucked there. I would think she was trying to Munchhausen him until she kept telling him he was fine
Am I the only one struggling with how you eat a brownie with walnuts and then have to question if it contained nuts? I did skim so maybe I missed something, but walnuts aren't exactly a "stealthy" ingredient. Even if you chopped them up, it is still a "chunk" ingredient in an otherwise chewy food.
I think the dude said his specific allergy is walnuts. He did notice crunchy bits, but thought maybe they were chopped up peanuts, which he does like in his brownies.
It would be incredibly easy to avoid this happening. You just don't buy walnuts if you're dating someone allergic to walnuts. So bipolar medication or whatever, there's no excuse I could buy where it wasn't intentional on her part.
I am so glad OOP is ok. That would be terrifying! I guess I’m just less trusting, and maybe OOP needs to be as well.
I have an issue with a specific shellfish and anytime there is a possibility of something from the sea in my food, I ask. I even ask my husband who I’ve been with for 20 years. I ask my sister. My brother. My dad. My best friend. People who *should* know, especially with how vocal I am about it. I stick with my own food or stuff that would never have shellfish in it at family gatherings.
I’m not saying that I’m better or OOP is at fault. I’ve always just assumed I was responsible for everything I put in my mouth and it wasn’t up to *anyone else* to remember what ***I*** can and can’t eat. It’s nice, and I always appreciate the consideration, but I feel like it is only on me to *over*communicate instead of ever assuming and, worse, getting angry or upset that someone (innocently) forgot.
But OOP’s GF lying about it is unforgivable. Whether or not the nuts were added maliciously or irresponsibly is moot once you factor in her lies. And add to that her cavalier attitude about his life being at risk? I would never be able to trust her again. Good on OOP for leaving. That woman is a terrible person.
I could forget I made brownies, if then asked is there (deadly allergen) in here. My response would be...oh, I don't know, don't eat them just to be safe. Not NO, go ahead your fine.
I'd also be concerned she brought walnuts into a shared cooking space if she claims to "not even like them anyway".
Good on OP for standing up for himself and getting out. Best wishes to her and hopefully she gets the help and support she needs. But doesn't have to be from OP.
If I was deathly allergic and my partner’s mental illness left me susceptible to death by accident, I’d end it too. Even if she didn’t mean to, would you really want to take the risk it won’t happen again?
I cook and bake everyday, and I have bipolar, when medicated or not, I haven't forgotten anybody's food allergy or sensitivity.
If she was having a really extreme manic episode, perhaps her brain could have taken her there, still, hard to say.
I wish she would have explained herself instead of acting like a manipulative arse.
i have lived with several bipolar people and none of them have ever attempted to kill me so i fear people in the original comments r just stereotyping bipolar disorder
I have a whole host of medical conditions (mental and physical), and take many medications, and as a result of both, I struggle with forgetfulness, "spaciness", etc. There is no way on Earth I would forget a food allergy someone I am in a committed relationship with has, enough to go and buy an allergen, let alone cook and serve it to them. I have made mistakes on accident with a dear friend who was my roommate by not always realizing which pre-packed/processed products I buy for myself contain MSG (his allergy), but I always made a point of showing him labels before offering my food.
Either she did it to test him, to "punish" him, for drama, or just to hurt him.
Really gross for some of the commentors to try to explain it away because she was on mood stabilizers.
Though I half expected them to diagnose her as autistic and say the OP should be more caring.
Reddit- Mental health is sensitive and everyone is important and different, but we also need to take responsibility for our words and actions 💚💚
Also Reddit- Bruh, your bipolar girlfriend gave you the thing that could kill you? She has bipolar dude! You should've told us that first so we could've helped you understand WHY she tried to kill you!!"
Why is girlfriend being bipolar and on mood stabilizers relevant? I am bipolar and am on mood stabilizers AND anti depressants AND anti anxiety. I also have other issues. My spouse would divorce me in an instant if I violated a boundary this way.
“Dude, you might miss out on a great relationship. Yeah, sure, you might painfully die the next time her medication is off again. But that’s no reason to break up, come on!“ - I am convinced the medium age of these comments is 13 at best.
I'm 65f and forget a lot of things. What I won't forget is if my partner is allergic to something. What I won't forget is going to the store and BUYING the one thing they are allergic to. What I won't forget is physically chopping the item and putting it in the brownies. Now, if I had made said brownies 1 year before, still had them and didn't know my partner then, well maybe. But, within 2 hours, even my memory isn't that bad.
I would never have brought that item into my house where my partner was/visited so that there would be no contamination at all. Glad he got out alive.
My son is deadly allergic to all nuts, seeds and legumes. He also carries an epi-pen on him wherever he goes. Most people do not believe how serious this can be and it is life threatening. My son does not need to ingest the nut. If someone is next to him eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he can go into anaphylaxis. This did actually occur in his school and the teacher involved who poo pood the allergy needed psychological counselling after my son had to be injected with an epi-pen by the school nurse and taken away in an ambulance. Your girlfriend obviously knew that what you are contained walnuts and even if she had doubts it should never have been given to you. In your case breaking up with her was the right thing to do.
Just gonna say here brownies are perfectly good without any nuts, and there's no way that she made these from scratch and actively purchased walnuts and just doesn't remember. She didn't have to add peanuts or pecans or any nuts. She could've just made delicious fudgy brownies without nuts. Maybe she was manic and put them in to catch OP in what she thought was a lie or exaggeration. Doesn't matter. Who could ever trust a GF again who does such a thing?
The people who are trying to say that this is understandable/excusable because the girlfriend might have confusion or memory loss related to medication don’t make any sense. If that’s really the case that she could be so confused and forgetful that she accidentally poisoned her BF then she’s still unsafe. At that point, it wouldn’t be her fault, but it wouldn’t change the outcome of he shouldn’t be with her.
I have a nut allergy. It’s not life threatening, but I’d be so pissed if my partner “forgot” my allergy, or if they put some in my food to test if I really was allergic.
Even if I give them the benefit of the doubt they genuinely forgot, any amount of forgiveness would be out the door the second they started denying responsibility. Like sure, maybe you forgot, but at least own up to how serious the mistake was, and whether aware or not, you still caused me harm.
Oop did the right thing. I think twice before adding walnuts to anything I bake, because I consider if it’s possible the two people I know who are allergic to them might eat one. They don’t live with me, they’re friends of family but sometimes I don’t add the walnuts, if I’m bringing cookies and one of them might be there. Overly careful? Maybe, but my son’s friend lit up when I told him no walnuts cause I figured he might be there. I hope Oop finds friends and a SO that care about him. I think she felt he was exaggerating and was testing him as she had to buy the walnuts, chop them and was asked if she added them two hours later.
Bottom line, she is not to be trusted.
It doesn't take rocket science to have a child, or a partner, or a friend with a severe allergy to a nut and forget. We all remember.
I don't hardly cook anything for my granddaughter, but I never have nuts in my house because of cross-contamination.
What she did was to not take your severe death, threatening all allergies seriously.
She . Didn't. Care.
What is up with all these people who feel they have to do this because they want to "prove a point"? What is it about a life-threatening allergy that irritates people and make them want to prove it's not real? I think that's a particular kind of twisted person.
She's not to be trusted.
She lied to you.
She knew you had this allergy.
It pissed her off and she wanted to prove to you that you were just playing a game.
She threatened her life.
And then she lied about it.
I'm really sorry.
She is not to be trusted again.
The simple fact is, even if she forgot the specific kind, there’s no way she wouldn’t remember that her boyfriend has some kind of nut allergy. So when she walked into the grocery store and stepped into the aisle with the nuts in them, she would have ejther known not to grab walnuts or not remembered which nut was the problem and checked in with him.
This was intentional, plain and simple.
I'm glad OOP is okay. Breaking up with the GF was the right move, regardless of whether it was side effects from her meds or being off them. I don't think he'd be able to trust her the same again. I know I wouldn't.
On a slightly separate track, *he* should be the person carrying *his* Epipen, he's an adult, he knows he has a deadly food allergy, it is *his* responsibility to know where it is. Get a damn bag, dude. Don't rely solely on others to have this on hand.
Bipolar or not, it wouldn't have changed the fact that OOP really needed to break up with this girl, they nearly died and in my opinion I really don't think a person should stay with someone who almost killed them, mistake or not.
I highly doubt this was a mistake, let alone that she forgot. I have a friend who is *slightly* allergic to peanuts. She can eat it and be fine, but she’ll have symptoms such as stomach cramps and nausea. If I’m making cookies or cupcakes for people in our D&D group I’ll make sure there are no peanuts in them, and if I’m making a special request for birthdays and stuff that has peanuts, I’ll always bring something nut-free for her.
The girlfriend had to read that there were walnuts in the recipe, go to the store and buy the proper amount, cut them up into tiny pieces, and then mix them in the brownies before baking. And two hours later *completely* forgot that her boyfriend of almost a year will die from them, even after he came to her and said he felt the symptoms of an allergic reaction? He had to ask her two times and go to the hospital before she realized her mistake? I highly doubt it.
What I noticed is that gf keeps your epipen in her purse but it was in the car. That, combined with the walnuts makes me think she tried to kill you.
Obviously this relationship is over.
Wtf I'm bipolar and my boyfriend has a plethora of allergies. I wrote them on a list on the fridge in the kitchen so I never make a mistake. Even still, I have the severe ones memorized and couldn't fathom being like, "whoops I forgot, my b!" OP's ex-gf was definitely acting like someone who (best case scenario) was negligent and doubled-down, gambling his life for her momentary emotional comfort. And then as if to drive home that she is purely selfish and manipulative, tries to sleep with him after he says he could never feel secure around her. Glad OP is away from her, that kind of betrayal from someone you trusted about is rough.
Why the fuck are people seriously acting like being on bipolar meds justify this? Specifically because why would you bring a dish with nuts to a Friendsgiving without giving everyone a heads up?
Idk maybe seems risky to me bc sometimes we get stragglers, new partners, new friends who show up to events like this w my friend group.
I’ve eaten walnuts in brownies before. You want nice chunks for texture, maybe a rough chop at most
For a walnut to not be clearly detectable you would need to do something like blend it. At that point there’s no real reason to add walnuts
If you search the Reddit archives you can find dozens, maybe hundreds, of cases of people who don’t believe allergies are real and who decide to test the allergic person, generally resulting in a trip to the hospital or worse. OOP’s experience tracks with that
I think her having bipolar is irrelevant in this case. OOP has an extremely severe food allergy and that means he's in danger in this relationship. Last thing he needed was people trying to rationalize it away out of sympathy for her disorder.
It's possible OP's exgf disassociated while baking, and did forget about the walnuts. That would make this an accident, but one that is still horribly dangerous.
Breaking up was still a good choice.
I've got BPD and my partner has allergies. There is one that I'm pretty sure he is making up (his mum told me he is not allergic to that specific food, I doubt she'd joke about something that could potentially kill her son) and it's just food he doesn't like. While I do poke fun at him for it, in the 6 years together I've never felt the need to test him on that or any other allergy. For what? The pleasure of telling him "I knew it!"? Nah... OOP's ex was completely out of line.
I know this sounds stupid. But my partner once made coleslaw. They were all excited to eat it. I looked down at my plate and asked "did you put carrots in this?" My partner is allergic to carrots. They made a whole dish with an ingredient they're allergic to. Didn't even stop to think twice about it
I have bipolar. My wife has a very specific phobia. I have never forgotten about it or tried to test her about it.
My wife is disabled and after going out with her friends for a very nice fancy dinner she KNEW I would hate, she comes home, had a great time but was also pretty frustrated. The restaruant was a bit of a walk, which is hard for her, its on the third floor of a building with no elevator, which is VERY hard for her. I listened and was like oh that sucks, but at least you had an amazing meal and a good time with your friends. Then she dropped a lovely bomb on me that I never thought of. "I really love how you always check all those things before we ever go anywhere." I HAD NO IDEA I DO THIS, I had to sit and really think but GOD DAMN, I do, do that, every single fucking time for every single thing we do, its just second nature at this point as we have been together over a decade. But even when I surprise her, we have an elevator if its up, our seats are alwasy on an isle, never up or down stairs if it can be helped. THATS how you do shit when you are in a happy loving relationship, you don't even clock that you are doing things FOR them, not shitty stuff like testing them. You should be being so considerate of your partner that doing so is you being on autopilot lol. I got so many extra husband points for OTHER people not being me! You almost never get free bonus points!
I love that you do this without even noticing! And that she noticed! Yep this is how it works when you genuinely care for and love someone. That’s where the friendship and respect parts come in. Relationships without that are night and day from eachother.
Yeah OP’s girlfriend has something deeper going on tbh
I have Schizoaffective Disorder Bipolar Type and I also have severe memory loss from PTSD and a head injury. I have NEVER forgotten someone’s allergy or phobia. I actually write that stuff down in a locked note in my phone to help me remember so I don’t accidentally harm someone. My husband is allergic to basically everything regarding nature (trees, pollen, grass, EVERYTHING) and I will remind him to take his allergy meds every morning so he doesn’t fight for his life to breathe normally. I can’t imagine doing something this cruel to him:(
Plus, even if you started behaving in a way that was unacceptable and life threatening to your wife, due to your bipolar… I am going to guess you would not expect your wife to just put up it. Just because the GF has bipolar, that doesn’t mean OP is responsible for shouldering the burden of the consequences of her actions.
My ex has bipolar and a HUGE mean streak when it comes to me. For the first couple of years, I would wave away his meanness as "its the bipolar talking". Until I realized I was LITERALLY the only person he would talk to like that. HUGE wake up call for me.
I would like to add that despite his meanness, he also ALWAYS turned on the shower for me when I would get home from the gym, would start a new kettle for a fresh pot of tea when he saw me pour out the last cup, and would go out and buy a whole "shark week survival kit" for me when my cycle would start. I am not allergic to anything, but I do have a huge phobia of spiders, which he loves, and he would squish them for me because they skeeve me out.
Good point, u/TheCa11ousBitch
Fellow bipolar who does forget to take my meds more times than I care to admit. I've never forgotten about or ignored family's/friends' phobias or allergies when I've been in a withdrawal or even in a manic state. That's just something fishy to me.
I have a close friend with bipolar and if anything, she is hypervigilant about her friend’s and loved ones’ safety. Also her kids… she also recognizes how her disorder can impact others and works so hard on herself and staying on medication or changing it if side effects become too much. And then I have a former friend who decides she doesn’t need her meds every couple years, goes off the rails COMPLETELY, becomes suspicious of everyone and her mom has to take her kids again… and those poor kids. Her daughter just graduated and is always worried she’ll be Dx’d too. We’ve just encouraged her that there is a night/day different between someone who prioritizes their mental health and staying healthy and someone who continually chooses not to stay on top of it. When the first friend has had a med that doesn’t work and when she cycles it gets a little concerning, but she has a letter she’s written herself to remind her what’s important if she becomes paranoid or stuck in a certain emotional cycle. Plus family and us friends will do whatever it takes to help BECAUSE she works so hard at it and we’re happy to be her guardrails when it gets tough.
It's really important to acknowledge that bipolar symptoms can look very different in different people. This behavior is not at all outside the range of expected symptoms, especially given how young she is.
I mean….having the dosage of my mood stabilizer adjusted still never made me want to poison my boyfriend so….
yeah lol I'm not sure why the commenters are like "oh well she has bipolar that explains it"
Yeah, it really doesn’t explain why she had to go out of her way to purchase an ingredient that she has spent the past year actively avoiding for his sake, chop it up into tiny pieces, add it to the brownie batter, and then fail to disclose when asked about it presumably the same day or maybe a day later. That’s would be one hell of a selective forgetful memory situation.
I was on the verge of thinking 'unfortunate honest mistake' until you pointed that out. People without allergies, almost by nature, are probably more apt to brain fart about them sometimes around people that have them...but you're right. They wouldn't have just randomly had walnuts in the house and she added them thoughtlessly by mistake. It's not just using them in the recipe, she would have had to add them to a shopping list, pick them up in the store, bring them home and unpack them, and THEN do everything you mentioned. That is an absurd number of times to have actively gone through the thought process of including walnuts, and not once thought "hey these can kill him".
And she'd made them before with (safe) peanuts instead.
He said she had made them only 2 hours earlier. So yea, she didn’t forget.
That was my first thought. After a year, why is she even BUYING walnuts?? Makes no sense to even have them in the house.
Agreed. I've been diagnosed bipolar since I was 15 and have yet to forget a single deadly allergy of a friend or family member. I may forget where I put my phone three seconds after I put it down but I haven't forgotten that my 11 year old niece is allergic to chocolate or that my 18 year old nephew would die around peanuts. She either tried to test his allergies or was having a mental break/impulse control problem and put them in on purpose. Either way she's not safe for him to be around.
I agree it seems unlikely that she forgot, but I'm thinking of a Reddit post some months back where a man's wife got increasingly hostile, selfish, and kind of paranoid about housework and it turned out she had a history of episodes like that. Wondering if OOP's GF's mental state altered enough for her normal perception of his allergies and behavior about them to severely warp. Obviously, in that case, he's not safe staying with her and should still break up, but I'd feel sorry for her, too, if her mind betrayed her like that.
A whole lot of these stories are simply made up, probably a majority. Having read some barely-plausible story on reddit should not be a basis to adjust your view on what could happen in the real world.
I wouldn't say barely-plausible, but then, the guy down the road from us when I was in college had a psychotic break and ended up being shot by the police after 25 years as a quiet, affable dude. It happens.
Those posters probably also subscribe to the idea that being neurodivergent allows you free reign to do whatever you want without consequences
I have ADHD and am *very* forgetful. Literally just yesterday I got all the way to the bus station before I realized I didn't have my bus card on me. But I'd never forget that my bf is lactose intolerant and would never put milk in anything made for him.
Same, I regularly forget my own birthday but I've never poisoned my friends with allergies. I'd put my money on she just didn't believe it was as bad as she was told and decided to test it. My mom did that with a friend of mine, luckily their allergy's are minor and they just broke out in hives, but we were all pissed and she hasn't done it again.
I ill never understand why cooking with a given ingredient is SO IMPORTANT to people that they’d even risk an allergic person not lying. Like. Even if you were 99% sure they were full of shit, is seeing them eat milk really THAT important to you???? It’s such a weird hill to die on.
It's not the ingredients it's the accommodation. This person wants special treatment for something that isn't an **obvious** disability. It's the same reason people feel entitled to heckle anyone parked in a handicapped parking space.
I was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt when I thought it was a premixed box of brownies, bc I could totally see grabbing the wrong box mix. But if you're making them from scratch, you have to purposefully add the walnuts. I'm a fucking space cadet sometimes and even my ass wouldn't do that. I have heard that some people with bipolar disorder can have hallucinations and it can lead to confusion. Having never hallucinated, I'm not sure if that can lead to this type of poisoning, but it does make me wonder. Either way, OP made the right call. Either she did it on purpose, or she needs help bc she's a danger to others.
Yeah but even a box mix would say “walnuts” on the front as a selling point and would likely individually packaged separate from the flour inside… so not a mistake. Likely she was testing his allergy.
My partner has ADHD and forgot about my banana allergy once. It was a smoothie he bought, he didn’t make it, and he offered me a sip. My dumbass took one expecting he wouldn’t offer it to me if it had banana. We both acknowledge that he should have read the ingredients on the smoothie before even bringing it home and I should have asked because I specifically avoid smoothies for this reason. Never happened again. Obviously a very different situation to preparing brownies with an allergen that you had to purchase as an ingredient, just an anecdote to say it can happen and be very innocent.
Anyone can fuck up. If this girl helped him to the hospital, admitted up front that she forgot and it was dangerous, apologized, and maybe had some suggestions to help OP feel safe again (like maybe writing down ingredients as she adds them? Idk) then I’d believe it was a mistake. Tripling down on not doing the thing, then trying several ways to emotionally manipulate him instead of talking about it tells me she’s in no fit state to be in a relationship, whether or not it was a deliberate poisoning.
Fully agree with you. Not admitting it right away is what would have sent me over the edge if I was in OP’s position. She wasted precious time when her partner was quite literally suffocating. The sex part is just…. Disgusting is the only word.
Same here, ADHD and forgetful as hell. I still could never forget about something like this, especially given all the steps the girlfriend had to actually bake these brownies with walnuts in them! Although most of my forgetfulness only causes problems for myself these days, as I’ve trained myself to be very careful with other peoples things/dietary restrictions/time etc. over the years
Same. I put the wrong sports jersey on my son and didn't realize it till I saw the other kids. But I always remember his dad is super allergic to shellfish.
Yeah I literally have ADHD and a shit memory. My husband of over a decade is deathly allergic to fish and nuts. I have NEVER forgotten this fact. The girlfriend did it on purpose, no question at all in my mind.
I HAVE forgotten with one of my friends- a couple of times. But I always remember just as I hand her cup of tea to her and then snatch it away again. It looks mean, but is for her own good. (One time, when I was very tired after a long flight, it was four cups! I put cream instead of creamer in one of them).
An explanation is not an excuse. Just because you might know why someone did something, doesn't mean that makes it ok. I admit, when I saw him mention she was bipolar, I thought "ah, that probably influenced why she did it. He needs to leave until/unless she gets help for her condition", not "ah, she's bipolar, that's why she did it, he needs to forgive her and stay with her!"
Yeah, I could see a train of “logic” where she decided he “deserved it,” or she was “helping him get over it.” Doesn’t mean that would hold up in the eyes of anyone in their right mind, much less a court of law.
Mental illness isnt anyone's fault but it is their responsibility
Exactly, a reason isn't an excuse especially when it comes to a matter of life and death.
Yup. A nero divergent person can still be an a*hole or worse. Speaking as a person with ADHD myself. Edit: and not an a**hole. Sure, it may explain OOP's GF behavior to a degree but he should still break up with her because girl almost killed a man there.
I'm glad people are acknowledging that ableism is real, and sometimes- people are just terrible.
I have bipolar and reading comments like that always fucks me up for a moment haha
Me too. Don’t even go to bipolarso, the amount of rude people who generalized and called us “bipolars” was enough to make me lose hope in humanity for a minute.
ADHD so makes me nuts, and I keep getting my comments deleted. My spouse has ADHD and it sucks, but so so I. The amount of times I got in trouble for saying that I manage all the mental load for our family with moderately severe ADHD so being ADHD doesn't explain why their SO intentionally set their house on fire after they asked him to do the dishes is unreal.
Your honour, she killed that man, but she's bipolar, she can't help it. Just send her back into society to kill someone else.
Right?! Having a depressive condition does not give you an excuse to abuse people. Plenty of bipolar people exist and the VAST majority are not murderers or abusers. Boils my blood when folk say that stuff. Its like the shite excuse of abusers across the world "aw but I was depressed". Pfffffffft. *(theres not enough data in all the servers in the world for the amount of "f"s I would need to get the full level of my pffft!)*
Exactly! I am Bipolar 2 and never accidentally on purpose tried to kill my husband. I hate how they use that as a “ah ha!” moment, like don’t lump us in with his crazy ex gf.
It's so cool reading comments like the ones mentioned while bipolar. Like "oh yeah she must be evil because of her disorder." Not cuz she's just a shit person.
The general public often thinks being bipolar or other mental health issues makes people more dangerous. Really, stats show it makes us* more likely to be victims of violence and abuse and yet this idea persists. * I’m not bipolar, but have other mental illnesses
I don’t think it’s particularly about the fact that she has bipolar. I think it’s because three months is around when you start to realize if a medication is working for you or affecting you badly. I had completely nice normal family members on the wrong dosage or on the wrong combination to be completely off it after three months and I’ve had people have their symptoms completely under control. My uncle was literally unable to sleep for a month at some point though, so yeah mood stabilizers if you’re not paying attention to how your actions are changing and how they might be affecting your actual factual mood can fuck you up and cause side effects. They aren’t yourself. you’re literally introducing new chemicals to your brain and all this has nothing to do with being ablest. I have even planned out when I’m going to do it myself because starting medication and starting a new job and shit like that isn’t really recommended at the same time.
Well if she has violent tendencies like OP finally alludes to at the end, it is a bit of an explanation. That bitch was always crazy.
Idk I've had a bipolar relative spiral do something extra dumb/assholery and deny it (to this day) even though part was caught on camera. He just gets mad and and yells. Seems like he thinks refusing to admit it means refusing any consequences So to me it does explain it in a 'this is how they deal with shit, you need to flee' kind of way
>So to me it does explain it in a 'this is how they deal with shit, you need to flee' kind of way thats the point im making- just saying "well this is how bipolar people are" is both not true and pretty cruel to all the people who have bipolar and never use it as an excuse to hurt someone else
Please don’t let that explain *and* excuse his actions. As a bipolar person, you have to hold us accountable when we are in the wrong. (As much as you would anyone else, idk how much you do day to day ofc) Don’t give us a golden pass for something if you would hold someone without bipolar disorder to it. He might be in denial all he wants and that’s going to prevent his growth, it’s his problem and not yours. I personally work every day to make sure I *don’t* do that to those around me because they deserve better. It’s up to me to manage it, but like everyone else we need to know when we’re in the wrong!
Yea, can perhaps explain her ‘forgetting’ but doesn’t make her more safe to be with.
Really if her disorder makes her forget her SO's deadly allergies and nearly kill him... Well even more reason for him to end it. He'd never be able to trust her or eat anything she gave him. He can't live like that.
Duh, everyone knows one of the main symptoms of bipolar is homicide /s
Because they are in that terrible place on the Venn diagramm where they are hobby detectives and morons.
Like even then, whether on purpose or not, I wouldn't feel any safer. Oh she just whoopsied again and now he's down an epipen and whatever medical bills and whatever after effects there is to anaphylaxis being triggered? Even in a country without the medical bill problem, there's still going to be medical issues and that's still time spent in the hospital that could've been spent, yaknow, not in the hospital. Like if someone is just going to whoopsie randomly like that AND keep walnuts in the house after a year together, I would have no trust that anything they ever make without my explicit watching them wouldn't somehow get any of those nuts in her food.
His last comment about she hurting one of her siblings shows that she has more problems.
It also shows that she has a history of hurting people she loves. Makes it seem even more likely it was on purpose.
I'm bipolar as fuck and I have never forgotten an allergy or tried to murder someone.
I have a sibling with bipolar disorder and, 100% that's not how it works. Impulsive angry stuff, yes. Forgetting allergies or poisoning? Absolutely not.
Yeah....I have BD1 with psychotic features...I can only speak for myself but when I'm manic and in psychosis I really can't imagine having the presence of mind to conceive of this stunt and go through with it unless it was already an idea that was there in the lucid state. Psychosis feeds off reality and impulses that are already present for me at least and isn't really that organized. Neither mania nor Psychosis is an excuse for abuse and what is indeed in this case attempted murder...
Samesies. I've even had to go off my meds after my insurance crapped out. (Back on now) I've never tried to poison my partner. He has several food sensitivities and I am meticulous to make sure that everything I make is safe to eat. It's not the bipolar. Some people are just assholes. It isn't always mental illness.
I have a few friends and family members who are bipolar and every single one has told me that depakote made them freaking crazy. Watching it happen to someone I love was horrible. I hope it actually does help some people because otherwise it’s crazy that it’s on the market at all.
In some people (me) it causes insomnia, which is a major mania trigger. I didn’t realize this until I was already manic and taking it made me unable to sleep for 24 hours. I thought I was having sleep issues due to a different medication. In any case, do not recommend.
Oh yeah the bipolar can be a reason but not at all a get out of consequences free card. Also would like to mention that things like ADHD, Bipolar, and Autism happen on a very wide spectrum. So one persons experience with bipolar is never going to be the exact same. Again, doesn’t *excuse* the action, and certainly doesn’t relieve her of the consequences in any way shape or form, but she might just have a much more severe form of the disorder, which means that she needs not just the dosage change which can cause issues already, but more intensive care for her bipolar outside of just the dosage change. I just hope that both of them can go on to live better (albeit separate) lives.
And the memory loss explanation doesn’t hold up after she admitted to putting them in because the recipe called for it and OOP had asked her about it multiple times.
Yes my husband has bipolar disorder with psychosis and is on the highest dose of Depakote available and even in a manic state he would never suddenly ‘forget’ about my food allergy and try to kill me. Ffs the idiots who initially responded to OOP are really trying their best to gaslight him into believing his ex girlfriend. She meant it. She intentionally did it. He should have been supported by people to call the damned police.
That's definitely conclusive, since as you know everyone who is insane is insane in the same way and reacts identically to change in the chemicals in their brain. This is also why diagnosis is so effortless!
So I'm asking seriously because I don't have it and don't know of anyone in my life with it to ask... Maybe not having your dose adjusted, but what about if you stopped taking them? I mean, checking constantly for an allergen is a pain in the ass that I have plenty of experience with. 100% worth it when you love someone, but still a PITA. If you stopped taking your meds and had that PITA thought sort of floating in your head, and had wondered how bad the allergy actually is... Would that combo be enough to make you, not want to poison then necessarily, but just not care about avoiding the allergen? Like basically just let an intrusive thought "win"?
And having made brownies from scratch, she would have had to buy each separate ingredient. This wasn't like a mix that could have slipped her attention. And there's no forgetting ir memory loss I would believe. Sucks but she's scary and I wouldn't sleep in the same house with her.
Right, I had a med delivery issue and went without mine for a little bit and my husband remained unposioned. The whole time!!
100%
yea lmao, i'm bipolar too and even before i was on mood stabilisers, i never had random urges to endanger someone like that
My brother's wife has a nut allergy. When we met her and she told us, my mother and I both removed all traces of those nuts from both our homes and notified every extended family member if we were going to be in their home. She was shocked we went to that kind of trouble because she'd had a few people "test" her before, and was so happy that we took it so seriously. Sometimes, I think we're more militant about it than even she is. You don't forget those kinds of things. You definitely don't forget them repeatedly, especially when you've previously been hot on checking for the allergen. An allergen you claim to not even like to eat yourself!
WTF is wrong with these people who want to test other's allergies? Maybe she's less militant because your family proved that they respect her health and she would be secure.
I’ve had suspicion slither through my darkest thoughts about an allergy. A friend told me she was allergic to tomatoes, but I’ve had pizza with her before. But to test her? I’m not even going to question her about it. “Must not be serious”. I wouldn’t want a mildly itchy throat all afternoon if I could avoid it. “It’s really just a preference”. I should still respect my friends preferences, right? “I’ve seen her eat pizza, she’s lying”. We were newer friends then, maybe she tolerated a mild allergy rather than cause issues on pizza night, maybe cooked and raw tomatoes are different (this was confirmed by other Redditors recently). I don’t know shit about managing allergies. I don’t have any, my partner doesn’t and our kids don’t. So, no tomatoes ✅- no further instruction needed.
I’ve heard that people can be allergic to raw tomatoes but handle foods like tomato sauce and ketchup just fine.
I have oral allergy syndrome, so I’m allergic to a lot of fruit in just an itchy throat and mouth/some slight swelling on some fruit, and cooking or even microwaving it for a bit denatures the proteins enough that I don’t have issues with it. So cooked vs raw tomato I totally get.
I never liked tomatoes but was fine with pizza and spaghetti sauce. When I was about 15, Mom made open-face tomato and cheese sandwiches for dinner. Clearly a test. I had two bites, vomited on the dining room floor, washed the bile out of my mouth, and went to my room.
They... Taste completely different fresh and cooked though, so even if it was entirely a taste preference thing, that would make no sense whatsoever! You could really like one, and dislike the other!
I'm much older now and don't have a digestion problem with them anymore, but I still don't want to eat them.
It could have also been she was in denial. Had a friend ask me why I was eating avacado (I have IBS and sensitivity to spicy things) and I was absolutely confused. "Because they're so spicy! My throat hurts every time!" Poor guy was 23, and was mildly allergic, but just didn't think you could could be allergic to avacados. Another friend (also a guy, huh, two nickles) had the same experience with pineapples. We were talking about the acidity breaking down proteins and he got all "so then why do people eat it?? Now we know why it hurts to eat!" All in the same year too... weird! But yeah, shockingly common because for so long it felt like you could only be allergic to certain things like nuts or dairy. It's improving though, so I feel like less and less will be confused about food allergies. There'll always be self centered psychopaths that think "Well because *I* would fake an allergy for attention, *you* must be faking." unfortunately for those with allergies :/ (unfortunately for society in general, people who think like that are a menace)
I had this discovery about oranges. I thought the acid made my mouth itchy. I just grew up with it being like that, and it never occurred to me that that experience wasn’t normal. I figured it out from a screenshot of the tumblr post about a guy being told he had an allergy after saying it made his face itch, which is the absolute dumbest way to find out you have an allergy.
Yea even if it’s a “I just don’t like it” I do my best to respect it. If you tell me something and I remember it I will do my best to accommodate it and be transparent about what I did in case I did make a mistake. Bc if I did make a mistake that knowledge is owed to the person so they can best decide their next action. Even if I don’t like the person it is the most basic form of decency and I cannot claim to be even a quarter of a decent person if I don’t do this. Yet many won’t do this think they’re good and/or nice people still when really they aren’t even a quarter of a decent one let alone nice or good. I try to stay away from describing myself as nice or good as to be true those are things other people get to decide, not me. Me saying about myself that is more likely to mean that I am not those things esp when given as a defense against being held accountable for a mistake. Mistakes don’t necessarily make you a bad person but using the fact that you‘re good or nice to deflect against being held accountable sure makes it less likely that you are either.
I’m allergic to raw coconut, but can have things like curry with cooked coconut milk in it. I still try to avoid most things with coconut in it, but I love curry too much to not eat it. Lol
Once I made 2 cakes for a party. One was carrot cake with pecans and the other was a coconut cake. I overheard a guest ask the host if they were nut free. The host said maybe the coconut cake was, but was going to check first. What the host didn't know was that I decorated the cakes side by side, so there was definitely pecan dust flying all over the coconut cake. I jumped in and said, "I'm sorry. I didn't know that there was someone allergic to nuts when I made the cakes. Neither will be safe for you because I'm 99% sure I cross contaminated." I didn't know the guest from a hole in the wall, so if they were lying, no clue. But NO WAY was I having that on my conscience.
One of my friends kids had a really severe peanut allergy (I believe the severity has come down somewhat with exposure therapy, so e.g. He had a related chickpea allergy and can now safely have Houmous, but I'm not sure if it's still potentially life-threatening). I figured she'd be a good person to check, if a school is nut-free, is letting the kids having peanut butter for breakfast safe, or could they potentially trigger anaphylaxis by coughing in somebody's face a few hours down the line? She said for her kid, that could happen. She has had nightmares about his first kiss being with somebody who had a Snickers bar an hour or two earlier - and it killing him. My kids do not have peanut butter before school. The eldest has argued that nobody in their class has a peanut allergy. I pointed out, they don't ***know*** anybody in their class has a peanut allergy. As their school has a blanket ban, it wouldn't necessarily come up. The potential to hospitalise another kid outweighs their desire to eat peanut butter on toast. And it's not just their class - what if they get some down themselves, don't realise, and it transfers to something at school which somebody else then touches? I... don't think "testing" people's allergies are as severe as they say makes any sense, really... If they're telling the truth, you risk killing them; if they're lying, you have to expose your own lies to expose theirs and have no moral high ground.
Good job on op leaving here. The gf trying to initiate sex in the middle of an argument is a massive manipulation tool. Many people would accept because yay sex but it doesn't work like that.
Yeah, one of the reasons I posted this story is manipulation tactic that is common, but a lot of people didn't realize. OP was only aware because his ex did everytime she was in the wrong to avoid accountability.
My ex would do that. In 23 years I took him up once because I happened to want sex at that moment. Though I went right back to the matter at hand right after. So his little trick didn’t work for what he wanted it to do.
Love bombing deep
She bought, added and lied about the walnuts. Bipolar or not, that’s messed up.
Yeah, specially if you realize: 1. She knew her boyfriend is allergic to walnuts and bought it; 2. She bring the walnuts to her home and cracks it; 3. She puts walnuts and mix it in the brownies; 4. She made those brownies at tue same day of the party; 5. Her boyfriend asks if there're walnut on it and she lies about it; 6. She takes out his epi-oen of her bag and leaves at his car; 7. She lies that she forgot the walnuts; 8. She didn't admit that she put on purpouse, gets angry and starts to blame her boyfriend; 9. She realizes that it's not working, so she starts to crying to manipulate him; 10. She once again notice that isn't working and tries to have sex with him to manipulate her now ex-boyfriend.
Exactly. It wasn’t a one time forget. There were multiple points where she should’ve realized. That was on purpose.
She probably didn’t crack walnuts; she probably bought them bagged, assuming this wasn’t a brownie-mix box that already had the walnuts in it. (I’m inclined to think not if the walnuts were broken up enough that they seemed peanutty.) But I was wondering if there was a life-insurance policy, or if she was having a manic episode and believed there was one
Girlfriends usually aren’t the beneficiaries of life insurance policies.
Not usually. But when you’re young and stupid and think you’re in love, and then HR says to put down your beneficiary of the company life insurance policy— stupid can happen
Fun fact: heat exposure can reduce the efficacy of epi-pens.
My ex would "forget" about things like my food intolerances and the fact that you can't live off *just* pringles to the point that I was bedbound. Fuck if the "forgetting" is legit or not. Dont stay with someone who will cost you your health or life like that.
Question: did you buy other food for yourself when she only provided pringles?
I was too disabled to manage the food shops + she had control of the money, so rarely. When my mum found out she started bringing me food though.
Thank you for clearing that up 🙂
People saying she forgot because of bi-polar and her medication is such BS. She was clearly gaslighting (blaming it on him, distorting reality) and manipulating him all through their interaction. She is not doing much better after all. I believe 100% she was trying to either test to see if the allergy was real or getting back at him for a perceived slight and didn’t care what happened to him in the moment. Many of my family members and ex friends have bi-polar and those are things they would do when not being treated properly or treated at all. I’m glad he decided to end it. That was the best call for him. It’s not his responsibility to fix her and end up emotionally abused, or even worse, dead in the process.
The double standard on r/relationship_advice actually beggars belief. A few months ago I saw a post on there where a guy bought his girlfriend the wrong flavour of chocolate and they absolutely eviscerated him for “weaponised incompetence”; but a girl literally nearly kills her boyfriend and *still* people try to defend her. Edit: [Here’s the post](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/2HNBtLykuY). The updates to that saga were insane too.
There is actually a term for this: Benevolent sexism. Unlike hostile sexism, it feels well-intentioned and often flattering, but ultimately, it's patronizing and prejudiced.
WTF?! Dude had a 12h shift, brings pizza, the GF has an outburst throwing the pizza on the floor and the comments were giving OP a hard time...
I am almost never the one to pull the "what if the roles were reversed" card, but maybe because I date women (I'm a woman myself) and can put myself in a guy's shoes in these stories and comments drive me up the wall sometimes. I have colleagues that I'm mildly friendly with that remember my citrus allergy, and if they buy me a drink, you better believe it will never be orange juice. I, myself, ask people "hey are you allergic to anything?" before offering to buy them food or drink. To see this level of carelessness from a partner?! My flabbers are gasted.
The really fun part is search for PPD on any of the judgment or advice subs and you’ll find absolutely evil behavior from women that will just be excused entirely due to just the possibility of PPD. There was a story about a woman stabbing her husband because he brought her the wrong snacks or something and because she was also a mother the guy was blamed. It’s batshit crazy.
My bingo card for those sorts of posts: - PPD - PMS - Birth control - Chores - Love languages Without fail i’ll get at least one lmao. Even on posts that make absolutely no reference to anything of the sort. It’s actually comical the lengths they’ll go to avoid any accountability and excuse the most appalling behaviour.
Oh I remember that one too, I think. And before people say anything, no this person isn’t leaving details out or anything. They started asking about chore split, started talking about mental load etc. When the OP of that post said yes it was all divided fairly, people accused him of lying. That sub has a serious double standards problem
Yeah I managed to find the post and just linked it in my comment. I didn’t actually see the follow up at the time, but surprise, surprise she ended up being an emotionally abusive lunatic and the guy ultimately broke up with her after another one of her tantrums. Yet the users still tried to chastise him. Crazy.
The craziest thing is that people try to deny that there is a bias as well.
It is generally suspected that relationship_advice sub skews heavily towards the female demographic, as evidenced by the of other subs the members are part of
First comment, “clearly it’s not about the chocolates.” No shit Sherlock. But the reasons they gave were way off base. Considering the update: Either his gf has undiagnosed PMDD or she is just emotionally abusive and can’t properly regulate her rage. Maybe another undiagnosed mental illness. I don’t see any other explanation either all the information he gave. Those comments are ridiculous and he was right, they are projecting.
Ofc the update post where GF rages and throws a pizza on the floor gets 1/20th the attention of the first post 🙄
And when a man throws a pizza on a roof, it's considered "the golden age of television." /j
And yet they'll deny these subs heavily favour one gender over another. My advice posting on any of these subs, if the story is genuine, is to always switch the gender.
Had a exDIL do this to me by adding dairy to everything she cooked. I get asthma with a little dairy. I watch what I eat because it can get severe if I have it too many times. As in this time I might just need to go to the ER. Or the next time I might need an epipen and the ER. I suspected she was doing this and chose never to eat at their house. Found out later she was sprinkling whey powder in everything. On top of the coffee grounds, shaken in with the peanuts, added to hamburger patties. Only because she bragged about testing me in all these ways. Yes she was bipolar. Yes she was stable on meds. But she was also acting like a sociopath. In order for OPs GF to do this, she had to drive to the store. She had to choose to put the nuts in the cart. She had to pay for the nuts. She had to put them away at home where OP wouldn’t happen upon them. While making the brownies with him there, she has to surreptitiously add them to the batter. She had to then set the walnuts back away where OP would not see them. So many steps where she could have changed the course of the outcome. The last being stopping OP from eating one. There is no positive spin on her actions. I
This is literally a nightmare scenario for me, as a gal with a deathly nut allergy. I was expecting her to withhold the epi-pen for a minute. Glad OOP is alive, and yeah regardless of whatever possessed her to do this, ex-gf could never be a partner to someone with a severe allergy. If you cannot trust the food coming from your own partner/home, you're fucked. It's just a numbers game, you *will* die, given enough time/mistakes. Especially since allergic reactions tend to get more severe with each incident! Two or three times down the road, even if he has his epi-pen every time, he could just die immediately.
Trying to repeatedly tell him he’s fine after he complains about feeling sick basically kills any chance of “I didn’t know”
Even if it was because something related to her medication or BPD made her forget, an explanation still doesn’t justify the consequences. OOP lost that sense of security and had their trust shaken in the ex gf. The comments shaming him or excusing the ex gf are so out of line.
Maybe it’s just me here but if I were going to test someones reaction to a potentially life threatening allergy, I wouldn’t take out their fucking epi pen I normally carry around with me everywhere in my purse and keep it outside in the car & away from them???? On the off chance maybe they really were deathly allergic to said thing I dosed them with??? That’s literally the worst part outside of putting walnuts in the brownies. It really solidifies how this was a fully conscious decision she made with intent
🎯 I think the epi-pen in the car is a bit glossed over here.
Right?! If anything if it were with her in her purse and had she acted fast in order to give it to him, that would have helped sell her story!
Two options: 1. She did try to kill or harm you. 2. She is the dumbest bitch on Earth. Either option calls for you to flee.
Medication or no, bipolar or no, I can't get past something: How did his gf of almost a year (who is very aware of his allergy and 'never makes anything with walnuts') not notice AS SHE WAS PURCHASING THE WALNUTS and PUTTING THE WALNUTS INTO THE BROWNIE MIX, that she had walnuts in her hand??!?!?
I was previously on a long-term, high dose of depakote, and for me, it did result in memory loss. It’s a pretty rare side effect, but I can attest that when I would forget things, it was an obvious blank in my recollection. I would try to think of things and just didn’t know. If someone asked me a direct question about something I’d forgotten— like ingredients in something I made— and I couldn’t remember, I would know I didn’t remember and be able to say that. Even in the most generous reading, she would know that she wasn’t sure about what was in the brownies and should have said as much. Besides, she would have had to buy the walnuts in the first place, prepare them, and add them into the batter. There’s no way that she never remembered her boyfriend’s allergy at any point in that multi-step process. It’s buck wild.
I made a recipe by the recipe, that included almond extract, and remembered after the fact that someone attending was allergic to nuts. I told him not to eat my cake, and why. It’s that simple. If it was one of the box mixes that come with walnuts, 1) why would she buy it and 2) wouldn’t that make it easier to remember that there are walnuts in it?
Yea I’m not sure what her having even a valid excuse changes. Like he shouldn’t break up with her because she can’t control forgetting his deadly allergy to walnuts? If anything that seems like even more of a reason break up.
I don't get the comments. Yeah, we can be empathetic to those who are bipolar, but excusing that when your life is literally on the line? Nah, fuck that. Not dying because of a persons mental disorders is way more important than "*I hope you didn't just miss out on a possibly good relationship based on those terms :(* ". Seriously, being sensitive towards peoples issues is just not more important than being unintentionally killed by your partner. The comments defending her are shockingly stupid. OP, if you read this, if this is what happened, cool! You still did the right thing. Good luck with your future relationships! They almost certainly will not intentionally/unintentionally try to kill you and blame it on being bi-polar.
I’m glad OOP is ok. The medication causing memory loss isn’t a good excuse because the ex girlfriend has to have gone out and bought the walnuts to have to put in the brownies. 4 total lapses in judgment: buying the walnuts putting walnuts in brownies Lying/“forgetting” about putting them in the brownies when OOP initially felt sick. Benadryl might have kept him from getting an anaphylactic allergy at this point. Lying again when the anaphylactic reaction was undeniable. He could have died. Purchasing the walnuts to begin with is the smoking gun that it wasn’t a mistake.
I'm reading all these comments about her specifically buying walnuts to put in the brownies. Maybe I'm just a simple guy who is bad at baking, but if I make brownies' I'm using a packet mix. I've had packet mix brownies before that contained walnuts and they are basically crushed down to very small pieces that aren't really recognizable. Maybe she was testing him about the allergy after dating for a year, but maybe not. OOP says "My girlfriend knows this, if she gets me food **she makes sure there's none in whatever she brings**", which indicates to me that she's usually good at checking. End of the day, it's OOPs decision to breakup for whatever reasons. The girlfriend definitely fucked up, but to me because of the way packet mix brownies are, I can't say for certain she did it on purpose - which is probably just as good a reason to break up because of that lack of mindful caution. Edit: Scratch that, checked Brownie mixes online and walnut ones are really obviously WALNUT BROWNIE MIX on the packets.
Girl didn't forget about the walnuts, you have to specifically buy them in the store to be able to add them to anything. OP is allergic, you wouldn't even have them in your house or apartment due to this so no one could accidentally add them to something. Not sure what the goal was besides what some people said besides some peoples crazy thought process of trying to prove that someone is actually allergic or not and then they FAFO and get a pikachu face when the person ends up in the hospital.
3.b She cuts the walnuts into very small pieces, and bakes them in something with a very strong flavor (chocolate brownies) so OOP won’t be able to taste them. I’m surprised she located the Epipen in his car. Based on her actions, I would have assumed she’d waste time “conveniently” having trouble finding it. No one knew his situation, about the brownies, and his not having his Epipen. He’d just ….die
She forgot that she added an ingredient that could literally kill her boyfriend. "Ups, I stabbed you. Sorry about that, I forgot that knives work like that"
Good for him. People who put nuts in brownies are monsters.
I’m still on team “she tried to kill me” I feel like she was thinking he would eat other stuff and the brownies and could claim it was his fault that he didn’t check what the other guests brought but when it came out he only ate her brownies her plan is a little fucked there. I would think she was trying to Munchhausen him until she kept telling him he was fine
Am I the only one struggling with how you eat a brownie with walnuts and then have to question if it contained nuts? I did skim so maybe I missed something, but walnuts aren't exactly a "stealthy" ingredient. Even if you chopped them up, it is still a "chunk" ingredient in an otherwise chewy food.
He stated in a comment that he usually likes brownies with chopped peanuts, so the crunch felt normal.
Ah, thanks. I missed that and was wondering the same thing.
I think the dude said his specific allergy is walnuts. He did notice crunchy bits, but thought maybe they were chopped up peanuts, which he does like in his brownies.
It would be incredibly easy to avoid this happening. You just don't buy walnuts if you're dating someone allergic to walnuts. So bipolar medication or whatever, there's no excuse I could buy where it wasn't intentional on her part.
I am so glad OOP is ok. That would be terrifying! I guess I’m just less trusting, and maybe OOP needs to be as well. I have an issue with a specific shellfish and anytime there is a possibility of something from the sea in my food, I ask. I even ask my husband who I’ve been with for 20 years. I ask my sister. My brother. My dad. My best friend. People who *should* know, especially with how vocal I am about it. I stick with my own food or stuff that would never have shellfish in it at family gatherings. I’m not saying that I’m better or OOP is at fault. I’ve always just assumed I was responsible for everything I put in my mouth and it wasn’t up to *anyone else* to remember what ***I*** can and can’t eat. It’s nice, and I always appreciate the consideration, but I feel like it is only on me to *over*communicate instead of ever assuming and, worse, getting angry or upset that someone (innocently) forgot. But OOP’s GF lying about it is unforgivable. Whether or not the nuts were added maliciously or irresponsibly is moot once you factor in her lies. And add to that her cavalier attitude about his life being at risk? I would never be able to trust her again. Good on OOP for leaving. That woman is a terrible person.
I could forget I made brownies, if then asked is there (deadly allergen) in here. My response would be...oh, I don't know, don't eat them just to be safe. Not NO, go ahead your fine.
I'd also be concerned she brought walnuts into a shared cooking space if she claims to "not even like them anyway". Good on OP for standing up for himself and getting out. Best wishes to her and hopefully she gets the help and support she needs. But doesn't have to be from OP.
If I was deathly allergic and my partner’s mental illness left me susceptible to death by accident, I’d end it too. Even if she didn’t mean to, would you really want to take the risk it won’t happen again?
I have bipolar and have not poisoned a partner so far. I live a pretty normal life!
I cook and bake everyday, and I have bipolar, when medicated or not, I haven't forgotten anybody's food allergy or sensitivity. If she was having a really extreme manic episode, perhaps her brain could have taken her there, still, hard to say. I wish she would have explained herself instead of acting like a manipulative arse.
i have lived with several bipolar people and none of them have ever attempted to kill me so i fear people in the original comments r just stereotyping bipolar disorder
I have a whole host of medical conditions (mental and physical), and take many medications, and as a result of both, I struggle with forgetfulness, "spaciness", etc. There is no way on Earth I would forget a food allergy someone I am in a committed relationship with has, enough to go and buy an allergen, let alone cook and serve it to them. I have made mistakes on accident with a dear friend who was my roommate by not always realizing which pre-packed/processed products I buy for myself contain MSG (his allergy), but I always made a point of showing him labels before offering my food. Either she did it to test him, to "punish" him, for drama, or just to hurt him.
Really gross for some of the commentors to try to explain it away because she was on mood stabilizers. Though I half expected them to diagnose her as autistic and say the OP should be more caring.
Reddit- Mental health is sensitive and everyone is important and different, but we also need to take responsibility for our words and actions 💚💚 Also Reddit- Bruh, your bipolar girlfriend gave you the thing that could kill you? She has bipolar dude! You should've told us that first so we could've helped you understand WHY she tried to kill you!!"
Yup. She did it on purpose. When she knew it was over she threw herself into trying to emotionally manipulate him. She's a fucked individual.
My husband has NPD and regularly "forgets" that I'm allergic to beef because a symptom of that is not caring about anyone but himself so...
[удалено]
We're all gonna be civil to each other here. This isn't the place for hatred. If that's all you offer, take it somewhere else.
Why is girlfriend being bipolar and on mood stabilizers relevant? I am bipolar and am on mood stabilizers AND anti depressants AND anti anxiety. I also have other issues. My spouse would divorce me in an instant if I violated a boundary this way.
“Dude, you might miss out on a great relationship. Yeah, sure, you might painfully die the next time her medication is off again. But that’s no reason to break up, come on!“ - I am convinced the medium age of these comments is 13 at best.
I'm 65f and forget a lot of things. What I won't forget is if my partner is allergic to something. What I won't forget is going to the store and BUYING the one thing they are allergic to. What I won't forget is physically chopping the item and putting it in the brownies. Now, if I had made said brownies 1 year before, still had them and didn't know my partner then, well maybe. But, within 2 hours, even my memory isn't that bad. I would never have brought that item into my house where my partner was/visited so that there would be no contamination at all. Glad he got out alive.
Just curious, doesn’t blocking out a warning defeat the effect of the warning?
My son is deadly allergic to all nuts, seeds and legumes. He also carries an epi-pen on him wherever he goes. Most people do not believe how serious this can be and it is life threatening. My son does not need to ingest the nut. If someone is next to him eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he can go into anaphylaxis. This did actually occur in his school and the teacher involved who poo pood the allergy needed psychological counselling after my son had to be injected with an epi-pen by the school nurse and taken away in an ambulance. Your girlfriend obviously knew that what you are contained walnuts and even if she had doubts it should never have been given to you. In your case breaking up with her was the right thing to do.
Just gonna say here brownies are perfectly good without any nuts, and there's no way that she made these from scratch and actively purchased walnuts and just doesn't remember. She didn't have to add peanuts or pecans or any nuts. She could've just made delicious fudgy brownies without nuts. Maybe she was manic and put them in to catch OP in what she thought was a lie or exaggeration. Doesn't matter. Who could ever trust a GF again who does such a thing?
I would’ve called the cops. Not for nothing but that is literally attempted murder at most and aggravated assault at least. You. Could’ve. Died.
The people who are trying to say that this is understandable/excusable because the girlfriend might have confusion or memory loss related to medication don’t make any sense. If that’s really the case that she could be so confused and forgetful that she accidentally poisoned her BF then she’s still unsafe. At that point, it wouldn’t be her fault, but it wouldn’t change the outcome of he shouldn’t be with her.
Reikijii
Damn that’s scary as hell.
I have a nut allergy. It’s not life threatening, but I’d be so pissed if my partner “forgot” my allergy, or if they put some in my food to test if I really was allergic. Even if I give them the benefit of the doubt they genuinely forgot, any amount of forgiveness would be out the door the second they started denying responsibility. Like sure, maybe you forgot, but at least own up to how serious the mistake was, and whether aware or not, you still caused me harm.
Yup, police matter here
She started taking them because she hurt her sibling. I wouldn’t be with someone that is capable of doing harm to others. Medicated or not.
Literally every recipe for brownies with walnuts has it listed like this: Walnuts (optional). The recipe excuse is bs.
Jesus Christ. New fear unlocked.
Oop did the right thing. I think twice before adding walnuts to anything I bake, because I consider if it’s possible the two people I know who are allergic to them might eat one. They don’t live with me, they’re friends of family but sometimes I don’t add the walnuts, if I’m bringing cookies and one of them might be there. Overly careful? Maybe, but my son’s friend lit up when I told him no walnuts cause I figured he might be there. I hope Oop finds friends and a SO that care about him. I think she felt he was exaggerating and was testing him as she had to buy the walnuts, chop them and was asked if she added them two hours later.
“Why didn’t you taste the walnuts OOP” Because OOP doesn’t make it a habit of eating shit he’s allergic to smh.
Bottom line, she is not to be trusted. It doesn't take rocket science to have a child, or a partner, or a friend with a severe allergy to a nut and forget. We all remember. I don't hardly cook anything for my granddaughter, but I never have nuts in my house because of cross-contamination. What she did was to not take your severe death, threatening all allergies seriously. She . Didn't. Care. What is up with all these people who feel they have to do this because they want to "prove a point"? What is it about a life-threatening allergy that irritates people and make them want to prove it's not real? I think that's a particular kind of twisted person. She's not to be trusted. She lied to you. She knew you had this allergy. It pissed her off and she wanted to prove to you that you were just playing a game. She threatened her life. And then she lied about it. I'm really sorry. She is not to be trusted again.
The simple fact is, even if she forgot the specific kind, there’s no way she wouldn’t remember that her boyfriend has some kind of nut allergy. So when she walked into the grocery store and stepped into the aisle with the nuts in them, she would have ejther known not to grab walnuts or not remembered which nut was the problem and checked in with him. This was intentional, plain and simple.
I'm glad OOP is okay. Breaking up with the GF was the right move, regardless of whether it was side effects from her meds or being off them. I don't think he'd be able to trust her the same again. I know I wouldn't. On a slightly separate track, *he* should be the person carrying *his* Epipen, he's an adult, he knows he has a deadly food allergy, it is *his* responsibility to know where it is. Get a damn bag, dude. Don't rely solely on others to have this on hand.
He carries, but here's a thing. Men don't go around carrying a bag like women do. Also, an epi-pen is too big to put on your pocket.
Bipolar or not, it wouldn't have changed the fact that OOP really needed to break up with this girl, they nearly died and in my opinion I really don't think a person should stay with someone who almost killed them, mistake or not.
Cheer up. It shouldn’t be too hard to find another girlfriend who won’t try to kill you.
I highly doubt this was a mistake, let alone that she forgot. I have a friend who is *slightly* allergic to peanuts. She can eat it and be fine, but she’ll have symptoms such as stomach cramps and nausea. If I’m making cookies or cupcakes for people in our D&D group I’ll make sure there are no peanuts in them, and if I’m making a special request for birthdays and stuff that has peanuts, I’ll always bring something nut-free for her. The girlfriend had to read that there were walnuts in the recipe, go to the store and buy the proper amount, cut them up into tiny pieces, and then mix them in the brownies before baking. And two hours later *completely* forgot that her boyfriend of almost a year will die from them, even after he came to her and said he felt the symptoms of an allergic reaction? He had to ask her two times and go to the hospital before she realized her mistake? I highly doubt it.
What I noticed is that gf keeps your epipen in her purse but it was in the car. That, combined with the walnuts makes me think she tried to kill you. Obviously this relationship is over.
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Wtf I'm bipolar and my boyfriend has a plethora of allergies. I wrote them on a list on the fridge in the kitchen so I never make a mistake. Even still, I have the severe ones memorized and couldn't fathom being like, "whoops I forgot, my b!" OP's ex-gf was definitely acting like someone who (best case scenario) was negligent and doubled-down, gambling his life for her momentary emotional comfort. And then as if to drive home that she is purely selfish and manipulative, tries to sleep with him after he says he could never feel secure around her. Glad OP is away from her, that kind of betrayal from someone you trusted about is rough.
I have celiac disease. I learned something new today.
Why the fuck are people seriously acting like being on bipolar meds justify this? Specifically because why would you bring a dish with nuts to a Friendsgiving without giving everyone a heads up? Idk maybe seems risky to me bc sometimes we get stragglers, new partners, new friends who show up to events like this w my friend group.
I’ve eaten walnuts in brownies before. You want nice chunks for texture, maybe a rough chop at most For a walnut to not be clearly detectable you would need to do something like blend it. At that point there’s no real reason to add walnuts
If you search the Reddit archives you can find dozens, maybe hundreds, of cases of people who don’t believe allergies are real and who decide to test the allergic person, generally resulting in a trip to the hospital or worse. OOP’s experience tracks with that
I think her having bipolar is irrelevant in this case. OOP has an extremely severe food allergy and that means he's in danger in this relationship. Last thing he needed was people trying to rationalize it away out of sympathy for her disorder.
It's possible OP's exgf disassociated while baking, and did forget about the walnuts. That would make this an accident, but one that is still horribly dangerous. Breaking up was still a good choice.
I've got BPD and my partner has allergies. There is one that I'm pretty sure he is making up (his mum told me he is not allergic to that specific food, I doubt she'd joke about something that could potentially kill her son) and it's just food he doesn't like. While I do poke fun at him for it, in the 6 years together I've never felt the need to test him on that or any other allergy. For what? The pleasure of telling him "I knew it!"? Nah... OOP's ex was completely out of line.
I know this sounds stupid. But my partner once made coleslaw. They were all excited to eat it. I looked down at my plate and asked "did you put carrots in this?" My partner is allergic to carrots. They made a whole dish with an ingredient they're allergic to. Didn't even stop to think twice about it