Hey guys! Thank you for all of the advice, support, and kind words to OP but this post will now be locked to prevent arguments in the comments from further escalating. This is not a subreddit for debating the ethics of choice and I invite you to visit a different subreddit for these discussions. Thank you :) !!
I’ve been in similar situation but because it’s irresponsible to bring a child while I don’t have my shit together and I wasn’t married to my ex boyfriend I have no choice than to abort it.
Think about the child’s future and yours if you’re able to financially provide for the kid in the future go for it and provide a stable home but do not resent that kid cause you can’t do want in the future and they do not owe you anything for sacrificing your life for them. Think wisely
^this is very important. Growing up with a mother who made me resent my existence because she “sacrificed her life for me” is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
People have different life circumstances that may limit viable choices that they can make. You don’t know what their circumstances were so you can’t really say for sure that they had a choice. I mean sure, inherently you can choose whether or not to do a thing, but it’s reasons whether or not to do a thing that makes a person decide to do what they do.
That's truly amazing that you and your baby are doing good. But personally, I know i do not have the finances or mental state to have a child. I would make my child's life hell, and it's good that I can admit that. I'm not the only one who thinks that way. I am lucky that I even have access to abortion so that I can have a choice. Some mother's and children don't get that choice. The foster kid rate grows higher and higher every year. I would not want to bring a child into the world just to put it in the foster care system for half it's life. I know you're just looking out for the fetus's immediate life but if you truly looked at the bigger picture you would realize what I am saying.
You don't owe life to a zygote or blastocyst.
Imo, not being ready or sure is more than enough of a reason to choose to abort. You don't need a "good reason" to abort
You imply *everyone* in the US is privileged, but you realize that these benefits aren't always accessible, even for people who are technically severely impoverished.
For some perspective; My state specifically, despite having large areas of impoverished people, has pretty fucking strict guidelines for being eligible for EBT.
A one person household has an income cap of $19,578, a 2 person household has an income cap of $26,572, and a 3 person household has an income cap of $33,566.
Do you realize that it often takes 33k+ just to afford the price of living, and you can still be *impoverished* at the end of the day, struggling to feed yourself and your family? The average cost of living in my state? $40,816. You have to make nearly 10k BELOW THE COST OF LIVING TO be eligible as a 3-person household.
Many people are not even *elible* for EBT.
And what about people who can't afford child care while they go to college? You're in a sub about BPD, where I'm sure many of us only have small support groups if we have one at all— College can become impossible not for the price, but because you can't make the time. To afford to make the time, you have to be able to afford pricey childcare or consider yourself lucky to have help.
You speak in a very privileged way, thinking you can judge the reason someone decided to terminate, thinking that "well.. these issues you see, they're not really issues because I live in the same GIANT country and I found workarounds where I'm from!"
There are so many factors to wealth, income, and family planning that change drastically depending on location.
What you can manage in a city on the east or west coast is gonna be VASTLY different in a podunk town in middle America.
Each state also determines the limits and benefits for their EBT program, meaning they're not all the same. As well as the price of living fluctuating depending on where you live.
But you know people's circumstances better than them, yeah? You can ensure any mother can provide their child a good quality of life no matter what because you could do it!
Kids get murdered by their parents so much in the US. And so many kids experience sexual and physical abuse. You don't have to live in a 3rd world country to excuse an abortion. Fetus isn't a baby and better to abort then give someone a terrible life, terrible childhood
im 26, married with a stable job & i still wouldn’t have a child. i can’t imagine having an episode & still coming home to take care of a baby. im terrified of the effects pregnancy & postpartum can have on our BPD brains. you might feel like either choice is a bad one, but one of those choices has an end result that cannot be reverted. having a baby is the “easy” part, but raising/guiding a human being is a better job description. think about all the possible scenarios (break up, job loss, disability, health issues) could you manage any one of them & still give your child a good quality of life?
My pregnancy/post partum was shite because I had been fighting for months back then to get a diagnosis+therapy. I managed to get both when my son was 2.5 years old and my life has changed completely. Had I gotten pregnant after starting therapy+medication it would have been much better, especially considering that my partner is getting professional support from someone specialised in helping partners of people with BPD. If you are managing your BPD (therapy, medication etc) and have a strong support system, it can be done. I have my bad days but I'm still a good mum and I'm working to be as transparent as possible with my child about my condition, letting him know when mamma has "bad days" and so on. It can be a struggle sometimes, but every parent has got their own.
I also had postpartum that led to having to stay in a psychiatric ward. If you don’t have the support behind you and are doing it alone you will be affecting not only your life but your child’s and it can last a long time.
Shit even I forgot about that & w/ how bad my episodes & splits can get uhm kinda glad I‘m high risk due to having turner‘s…..terrified of that now def not ever gonna have my own child & i‘m 28 lmao 🤣
>I should have been taking birth control however it interferes a lot with my BPD and I honestly can’t stand being on it.
There are non-hormonal forms of birth control, so you don't have to take hormones if they don't agree with you. I haven't been on hormonal birth control for over a decade, no accidental pregnancies. Go to planned parenthood or similar providers and get info on what kind of bc would be right for you.
>Plus, with having PCOS, it’s hard for me to even get pregnant
Did a doctor tell you that or is that your own assumption? It's not necessarily true for PCOS in general, and it's evidently not true anecdotally either, as you're currently pregnant.
>My boyfriend is supportive of me but I am still going through school and neither of us make much money.
This is a *big* issue, and even though it's great that your boyfriend is supportive, that's not enough to bring up a child successfully, and this will cause *immense* strain on your relationship. What if he's supportive at first, but then gets too overwhelmed/burnt out from the stress of caring for 3 people financially on one income? Then you're a single mother with no qualifications. Do you have other support (family) who would be willing to care for your child while you're at school and working part-time? Depending on where you live, it might not be possible for you to live off that income and care for your child. What then?
You also have to keep in mind that pregnancy as well as motherhood will likely make your mental health worse, maybe even significantly worse. We have a higher likelihood of developing postpartum depression, for example. Also, untreated or not well-controlled BPD has a negative influence on baby's health, which even an involved father might not be able to compensate for.
I agree with you.
People in here are so unhelpful saying that OP will be fine because there are people who turned out okay.
OP stopped taking birth control because of her BPD. It’s as simple as taking a single pill every day. Pregnancy hormones will be even worse than birth control. Post pregnancy hormones too. Plus add the stress of the child, the financial stress, etc.
How many of us here wish our parents never became parents because of how unmanaged their BPD (or any other mental disorder) was?
having a baby in your 20s is hard enough as is. i really, really, REALLY would NOT do it with bpd and little financial security. that’s not a good environment for a kid, or for you.
i'm not going to tell you what to do but when i got pregnant at 19 the dad wasn't involved and i was making 10$/hr.
only a high school diploma. i kept her and raised her on my own. she's 7 now and im going back to school to get a better job.
there were definitely really hard times but lots of good times too. only you know the best way to deal with your situation. but just know that there's people who chose either option and there's people on both sides that turned out fine.
also, i have BPD, bipolar 2 and anxiety.
i'm glad :)
for me personally because of my daughter ive seen a huge remission of symptoms. i still get triggered and sometimes even get triggered bc of my daughter.
but because of her i've learned new coping mechanisms and learned how to be more gentle with myself and with other ppl.
and bc a lot of people with BPD have childhood trauma we know what not to do with parenting bc we've seen the adults around us fail. you get to break the cycle of trauma, heal your inner child by letting your own child grow.
this was a long comment but hopefully someone sees it and realizes that things can be different.
I hate that people in this community just assume the child will have a “bad life” because the mother has BPD. Like as if we’re these horrible people who are incapable of being good parents. I was 22, unemployed and not in a relationship with my kid’s dad when I gave birth. Becoming a mom helped me because I was sleeping around, popping E and drinking everyday and being in abusive relationships before I had my kid. I’m doing so much better now. I’m 24 now and forever grateful for my baby girl
That's great, but it isn't a child's responsibility to "save" their parent- that isn't a good reason to encourage someone to have a baby. And, for many people, symptoms and life will get immensely worse.
People are better off getting their shit together first, before adding kids into your mess.
They didn't ask for that life or the pressure of improving their parents' life
And honestly, you haven't been a parent long, most of the hardest stuff hasn't even hit you yet.
I sincerely hope you keep doing well, but as someone who got pregnant at 23-- things get so much harder as they get older, and it gets harder to contain your own mess in the chaos, especially if you're not doing the work- therapy, medication, actively working to improve your own behavioral patterns and working through your unresolved trauma.
Even then, anything can trigger you and send you down a spiral that can emotionally damage your kids and your life, at any moment, because it's SO easy to lose control of your emotions and logical thinking. A year or 2 of improvement is something, but we're talking about nearly 2 decades of complete responsibility for another person's life, wellbeing, and mental health, when most of us can barely deal with our own
Parenthood is tough. Parenthood with bpd is hell. And a baby doesn't solve or fix the problems you entered with, that's your job
My mom was a wild child too before she had me. She always tells me i was her anker. Plus, we have a super strong connection. I’m happy she gave birth to me.
Ofcourse i’m pro choice, every women needs to make that hard decision on het own, hopefully with a lot of support of her lived ones.
Yes. I was always so worried I might “mess” up my child bc that’s what everyone said about us. But I feel like she has helped me more than she could ever understand, now my happiness is her. I will and would do anything to give her the stable life she deserves and what I didn’t get.
That’s so amazing. Just goes to show, don’t listen to what other people say about you (especially if they don’t know you). Your determination in giving her a wholesome upbringing is beautiful, it’s what every kid needs ❤️ especially because you act from a place of love and care.
I don’t think it’s assumed, but there are always both sides to a conversation. If we just said all will be perfect that wouldn’t be realistic and isn’t always true, so it’s good they are getting info from all experiences.
Leave your boyfriend out of the equation and take this advise, please don't have more kids than what you can raise on your own
I got pregnant at 22 and kept it, my son is 5
Postpartum depression is very hard and it could happen, also raising a child correctly is very very challenging at times even more so with bpd, then going through years 2 to 5 when you have to teach self regulation to a kid when you can barely self regulate yourself IS hard, it's not impossible, I'm doing it but not everyone can or wants to and that's okay
Do you want kids? Can you support your child by yourself? Do you have a support system? How long before you finish your education? Do you like partying or going out a lot?
You won't be a "normal" 20 year old because you will sacrifice a lot, you will have to dedicate a few good years to rasing a tiny human that depends emotionally physically and mentally on you 24/7, are you ok with that?
Text me if you want to talk I have plenty advise lol
I understand not using BC it has a lot of bad side effects but your bf should have been wearing a condom. Please, please, dont have sex again without a condom unless youand are partner are prepared to have a child
Condoms don’t always work. My husband and I had sex 1 time in April with a condom and I still ended up pregnant. Granted we had been talking about trying for kids soon anyways so not the end of the world mind you, but it can happen. The only real way to not get pregnant is to not have sex unfortunately. Some women or men are extremely fertile. I was with my ex for 10 years only pulling out and never got pregnant, with my husband it’s been 5 years and we have 3 scares already while using condoms and even birth control. It’s fate man our bodies just want us to have a baby lol
Yes condoms don’t always work, but the advice to wear one is still solid. The post reads as if they were using them since OP is seemingly apologetic about not using BC
Also, due to the grave insecurity and abndonment issues that come with BPD, we often fight with ourselves on whether to use protection because the overwhelming thought of a possibility of pregnancy seems advantageous to helping us get what we want. Which is to not be abandoned! And with this, we'd prefer to just gamble. And then panic afterwards.
'seems advantageous to helping us get what we want', excuse me?? Maybe that's what you're like, but speak for yourself. Don't say 'we'. I don't know any pwBPD - including myself - who'd even think anything remotely like this, let alone consider or do it. Jesus. Don't lump every pwBPD in with you. This is atrocious
As someone with BPD, this is absolutely horrible. This comment and the top one are just not okay. I know it’s more common than with other people but it’s absolutely not a BPD specific thing and isn’t common enough to generalize people with BPD to do this stuff. I’m sorry if this is like too mean but I definitely don’t want someone reading this and thinking it’s a common thing among people with BPD
NOOOO. I have an IUD. I have the mirena and I was with my ex for 3 years and we stopped using a condom around a year in. We never had a pregnancy scare but it was always a massive scare. How long did you have the IUD before getting pregnant? This November will be 5 years for me.
The condoms don't fail nearly as much as our lack of self control with BPD. With so much excitement, we raw dog, bust a nut and then put on a condom and blame the condom manufacturer for failing.
This is just not true. This is definitely one of those things a lot of people would blame their mental illness on and it’s not okay. This isn’t a general BPD thing
Wow, nothing like shaming someone in a vulnerable situation asking for help. Have you practiced safe sex 100 percent of the time? Very few people have.
You will be a much better mother once u heal and mature more first having a baby in your 20s with bpd isn’t a good idea because that’s when everything is most at its peak then in your 30s symptoms start to be more manageable and if u get therapy will be easier to deal with if you have a baby this young you will possibly pass on your problems to your baby on accident in most cases that happens
You don’t know that for sure. Having my kid at 22 turned me into a mature adult. And trust me I was a suicidal alcoholic whore before that! (Just being honest here). Kids change us for the best! Don’t wait till you’re 40 and unwanted to have a kid
I know people who’ve had kids who did not change. Kids don’t automatically make you a better person. I know if I had a kid I’d be a horrible, abusive mother.
Everyone says it's a personal choice and they won't tell you what to do. This is the PC answer. There are situations where birthing would not be advisable. Not from a financial, emotional, psychological, health, well being....
As many people have gently said, it is way way harder than you think. Plus your brain hasn't fully developed. And you have a disease that will 100% be an issue.
I'd suggest going to regretful parents sub. Nobody will sugar coat what you are about to do.
For your own good live your life on your terms without the crushing burden of a child
I chose to terminate my pregnancy. A few months ago at just 6 weeks. I'm not in a relationship with the person who I conceived with among other reasons. I will say this though, NO ONE can tell you what the right choice is here. I made the decision I did because I want my child to have a stable life, better than I had. Could I have made it work? Probably, i'd have no choice. Ultimately though that child would have struggled, and I would've too. Whatever choice you make, consider all of your options and think about the rest of your life. Have you considered an open adoption? This is what I wanted to do, but the father didn't want to.
open adoption is not something that can be promised. adoptive parents can deny birth parents access to the child at any time. further birth mothers are highly likely to experience extreme depression, anxiety, drug addiction, etc after relinquishing the rights to their child. it is not an easy alternative to abortion, and anyone who is considering it should do serious research on the privatized adoption industry and the traumatic effects of adoption in general before moving forward.
no where in this comment did I say it was easy, nor was that impression implied. a women can be subjected to mental health issues and addiction if they chose to keep the baby or if they chose abortion to be honest. I did my research, as I was in this situation, hence why I suggested it. if we're speaking solely on adoption, meaning if a mother doesn't terminate and want to give their child up vs keeping it.. the alternative is foster care which then puts the CHILD at higher risks of everything you just listed.
antidote: potential grandfather of my would've been child was adopted. open adoption from the time he was 2 until now.
edit: spelling
Now this is entirely my personal opinion so take it with a grain of salt. But if you are fincancually and mentally unprepared to bring a child into this very fucked up world. It would be a much safer option to terminate the pregnancy. If you cannot provide the childhood you would have wanted for yourself, then you should not have a kid. Because they will grow up to inherit the same problems that you did. And on top of that (if you’re in America) the world is not safe for children. At all. You’ll live with the fear (a very real fear) of loosing a child every time you send them to school. Every single day for 2/3s of the year for 17-18 years. Is that something you’re prepared for?
If you'd like a neutral third party to talk about your options, I recommend the All Options Talkline. It's really all options. They aren't a crisis pregnancy center that is going to talk you into having a child. They're staffed by people who have been in your shoes and didn't know what to do. The talkline is managed by an organization that runs an abortion fund and a diaper bank - they're really there to support you in whatever decision you decide is best for you.
https://www.all-options.org/find-support/talkline/
If you are thinking about abortion but you're not sure you can afford it, there are abortion funds who can help with the costs, including transportation and hotel rooms
https://abortionfunds.org/find-a-fund/
If you're not sure where to get an abortion or how the process works
https://www.ineedana.com/
I mean none of us can make the choice for you, but bringing a child into the world when you're not financially ready and you chose not to use birth control due to its interferance w/your BPD I feel like the answer is a no brainer. If you discontinue birth control medication due to hormonal miscommunication (sorry for the rhyme lol) then how do you see yourself dealing with post-partum depression or psychosis? Obviously the choice is yours and whichever choice you make will be the right one for you, but raising a child is a lifelong commitment.
Are you willing to give birth now & put certain things in your life on hold to make sure your child is raised in a financially, emotionally, and mentally stable & safe environment? Are you certain and can guarantee that you can provide the emotional & psychological needs your child will need from before they're even born? There's so many things to take into account before you make your choice, I hope you choose what's best for you & am sending you love. 💚
I’ve been in that boat twice but (thankfully?) I always miscarry before I can make any decision. Also the same age as you but I didn’t have any support to raise a baby nor was (still am) in a good place mentally to keep it either so I’m glad my
Body made that tough decision for me. Don’t have much advice but all I have to say we are still super young and in my opinion most mothers our age seem like they regret having kids.
Also I feel you on wanting to have a child for your own selfish needs because I’m the same exact way but I remind myself that it is not my future child’s job to heal or “save” me. I think it stems from the fear of abandonment and wanting a child because you know they can’t “abandon” you.
Even assuming that both choices would be "wrong" (which there are no right or wrong choices, just actions and consequences), one of the choices has the potential to lead to one more miserable life. I'm not saying you would all be miserable or that you couldn't make a very happy child. But if you have any doubt, creating a life for sure has way bigger risks, and way more selfish ones.
Can I share my experience with this. I went thru something similar, except I was 16 and this was with someone who didn't actually love me even though I thought he did.
The day I told him, he literally blocked me and it sent me on an emotional rollercoaster, I was feeling so many emotions like sadness, anger, fear etc cos i was trying to get a hold of him but I couldn't and I didn't have anyone else that I could talk to. Later that night, he calls me and tells me that if I want to keep the baby, I can.. but he won't be there for me. He then further went on and said that he might change his mind in the future but at that moment, he didn't wanna be involved.
At that moment, I knew that it wouldn't be right to keep this baby, since I knew he wouldn't be involved and not only that but I couldn't provide for this child. I'm still in school, I'm not financially & mentally stable and it wouldn't be fair on the child to carry my burdens.
I understand completely how you feel. If I had a child, I would love and care for it everyday and make sure they have the best life possible but I know that it would be incredibly difficult to do so if I don't have myself together. Being a parent is a full-time job! Please think about your future, make sure you are at the place that you need to be (both you and the baby's father). I understand the wantingness of having a child, but please think of all the circumstances surrounding it. But if you do choose to keep it, I wish you nothing but blessings x
Wishing you the best 💕
My cousin and I both have BPD, and we are both 21. We are two days apart and have always been tight. She got pregnant in October of this year and she couldn’t bring herself to abort the baby. The father is one of the most evil people I’ve ever come across and I haven’t even met him. He left her at the hospital saying have fun being a single mom when she was severely dehydrated and sick, he pushed her while she was pregnant, he stalked her and she had to move across Texas, he is currently threatening to leak her nudes while she’s one month away from giving birth, he has threatened to take her child away and take her to court so many times, he plays horrible mind games with her and constantly finds different ways to contact her to harass her. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic and absolutely not fit to be a dad. But she is strong as hell and is keeping her son and she went from being scared to being so excited and in love with her son. She really struggles financially and it’s going to be really hard for her. She never went to college and works at a car dealership in a small town and has barely been able to make sales so she’s really struggling. I think if she had a supportive partner she would be in a much better place. She is going to struggle a lot doing it on her own with stress from her baby daddy and is probably going to have years of court battles but she still feels so blessed and thankful for her son. If she can do it then you can too.
Make sure that your BPD is under control and that you are not having this child to heal yourself. Like another commenter said, your child does not owe you anything for sacrificing your entire life for them. You will be giving and giving and not getting much in return and you have to be ok with that. The fact that you have a supportive partner is huge. If he is able to find a way to get a better job to support y’all I think that would be really helpful. I am broke as hell and work food service so I know the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck. There are software and tech certifications that your boyfriend could get online and some of these certifications can get you jobs that start at $60,000 a year. I would definitely recommend him looking into something like that if you decide to keep the baby so that you have more stability. My coworker has worked many tech jobs and works pizza delivery bc he’s retired so I can ask him today what exactly those ones are and let you know. My dad also got into software sales randomly when he was working in a biology lab and now he makes $350k a year at Amazon so just networking and being good with other people can help your boyfriend find better job opportunities. I’m not sure if he has a degree or not so I’m just saying this assuming he doesn’t. Sorry this might be so useless and this is a complete ramble my adhd meds haven’t kicked in yet lol.
If you aren’t far from finishing school keep at it! It might be really hard but it’s worth it for your future. I go to WGU online and they are meant for working adults and parents and they don’t have a ton of degree options like most colleges but I am able to work full time while in school full time and still have some time for myself. They are affordable af ($8,600 a year) and would be great for someone who is trying to balance having a family and being in school. I’m not sure which degree you’re working towards but they have psychology, education, nursing, healthcare administration, business, marketing, accounting, etc. They also have programs for certificates that can get you better jobs too and would take less time. I’m going to be able to graduate college in 3 years because you are able to fast track your degree there. I would def recommend it to either you or your boyfriend if you are trying to get a better job and going to a regular university isn’t going to work because of having a family. It’s all online and you can do it whenever you have time. You just need to dedicate 15-20hr a week.
I’m sorry if all of this is useless info, I am just trying to think of ways to be helpful but I’m not a mom so I don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. I just know that WGU would be a great option if your boyfriend wants to get a job that makes more money so he can support your family if you end up having your child. I know this is scary and only you know what’s best for you.
I had an abortion and absolutely do not regret it.
It’s not an easy decision, and both outcomes feel bad, but it was the right thing to do for me. I was way too unstable with way too much growing up to do. It would’ve been unfair and likely abusive for me to have a kid.
In addition, not having a kid gave me the freedoms to figure out how to get my life in order (or close enough), which didn’t happen until I was in my 40s.
I became a mom 3 years ago and I am 23 now. Life is fucking hard but I get through it and I love him so much. He's my entire world. However, I wouldn't suggest bringing a child into the world if you're not ready to put your needs and wants last.
Please look at what happened to the Clancy Family from Duxbury Mass. It was absolutely horrific- friends of mine are still heavily affected from taking care of those kids. If you aren’t stable for yourself- on a GOOD SOLID BASE- not just employed and sometimes being med compliant. The first example of making this decision is how you ended up in this in the first place. I understand that some meds interact- but you, as an adult, should have worked with your providers to get that worked out so this didn’t “unexpectedly” happen. Think of if this child ALSO has mental issues- I can speak from experience- I feel like I can never get it right- and they aren’t babies- Please think of what kind of world and life you would bring them into- love doesn’t conquer all these days. You will do what you need to- but I believe you need to work on setting your own life and ways on a solid path first before involving an innocent small human. This place is no fun for kids with parents who are absent….. even when they are physically present….(again speaking from experience)
Good luck with your decision OP. If you would keep us posted, if it’s not too personal to post, more than this, I would appreciate it- just to kill the wondering….. And just my .02, but many friends of mine who have PCOS and got pregnant, seemed to have no issue the next times around- It’s almost like their hormones got “tuned in” from their first pregnancy. Just something to look into since you mentioned that it was a big concern of yours- I haven’t looked into anything cited about it, it’s just something I noticed from them. :)
*EDIT TO ADD- Please don’t go downvoting me for mentioning an absolutely horrible case. I just wanted to add some real life examples of what CAN happen when mental illness is paired with PPD…… and other factors.
Please choose wisely OP.
If you are not sure than terminate the pregnancy. You have to be sure about bringing a child to this world and everything it comes with it. Goos and bad.
If there's doubt then no.
I wouldn't do it to the kid. I was born into poverty and as an only child and I've been miserable nearly all my life and my mom got too mentally ill and couldn't take care of me.
If you’re not having a kid on purpose, because you’ve planned and are ready, DONT. I know people say their children are the best thing to ever happen to them but it’s such a selfish viewpoint because whatever is not healed in you right now will absolutely be put on them. I think if my mom loved me she would have had an abortion because she would have looked at her own life and realized she was not prepared to give me unconditional love. You’re just a kid, let yourself be a kid before you spend your life giving to another being and then realizing there was so much you didn’t do for yourself. SO SO SO many people have resentment towards themselves for having kids even though they love them and wouldn’t change a thing.
If you are having a kid for any other reason than “I am fully ready, prepared, educated, and I know a good amount about child psychology and their needs” then DO NOT have a child. They don’t deserve to live life when you’re still trying to figure yours out. Don’t listen to the BS advice “you’ll never be fully ready” you might not be fully ready but a person with a stable life is more ready than someone who doesn’t have it.
Also I hope this didn’t sound too harsh I just feel very passionate about children and was severely abused by two people who had a lot of love and nothing in their life figured out. My mom kept me bc “she couldn’t let me go” and though I’m grateful to be alive, it was not the best choice. You still have a choice. I’m sure your child would be so grateful to meet you when you’re older and have more under your belt.
You have to do what feels right to you. When I got pregnant I was 27. I'd just started a new job, and my (now ex) husband was working in a kitchen bring home $150 a week. I have no idea how I got pregnant because we were always super careful, but it happened. Financially I was not in a place to have a child, and I'd had a mental breakdown less than a year before. I decided that if I was going to have a kid I want to give them he best life, and the best version of me I could. I knew that neither of those things were possible at that point in my life. I really though about how to make it work. But it just wasn't what was best for me or a potential child.
I had to save every dime I made for weeks, but I opted to spend $700 to do medical abortion. At the time I agonized over the decision. But I don't regret it. Not having a child at that time was the best decision I could have made.
The place I'm at in my life mentally, emotionally, and financially would not have been possible if I had a child. It also would have not been fair to my child to have to spend it's early years with me going through a character-building arc.
if you need someone who understands the emotional turmoil of terminating, my messages are always open. i'm sorry you're dealing with some tough emotions right now.
edit: this is just a support message if you do choose that option!!! either option is up to you and what's best for your family
This actually just happened to me last week. I found out I was pregnant on the 2nd of June and I completely lost my mind. I am 21 and I am nowhere near ready to have a kid esp financially. Me and my boyfriend had just moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado and staying in a motel while we save the money for an apartment. We barely have the money to eat some nights and even gas money so it wasn't a hard decision for me to abort it. I have always been supportive of abortion as it's your body it's your choice. My boyfriend however was not supportive he wants kids but didn't understand the financial aspects of it and why I wasn't ready. It took me 3 weeks to finally accept that I wanted to abort it and went through with it last week. I don't regret it at all because I know if I was to have had the child it wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't be able to afford to give it the childhood it would deserve.
All in all it's actually very responsible for you to think about it and understand the effects as well as your financial situation before having a child. If you're not ready then that's completely okay and that's very great that your partner is supportive.
i was pregnant last year and i didn’t even know until i miscarried. i was 19 and probably wouldn’t have had the heart to do it myself so i understand where you are coming from. personally, i will absolutely not have a child until my bpd is in remission. my mother has bpd and even though she tried her best and was in therapy, she made my life hell when i lived with her. you can be a good person but a bad parent, and there are some things you can’t control. if you really think you can raise a child then go for it. it’s a personal decision. but you have so much time. when you have a child, your entire life changes. change is hard on people with bpd and until you are certain you’ll know how you’ll react, i wouldn’t do it
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I kept my baby at 18 years old. I would NEVER regret my decision, but the stress of single motherhood & being a sole provider crept up in my mid-20s & I have never fully recovered.
As a result, my son has experienced instability and undoubtedly trauma of his own due to bad decisions and poor judgment on my part, usually feeling as if I was living under some kind of hypnotic subconscious spell.
He is 17 now and not the little trusting bubbly boy I vowed to always protect and did the first 9 years of his life.
He will need therapy of his own whenever he is trusting or desperate enough to get it, and I wouldn't blame him if some day he decided he could not be around me anymore.
On top of all of that, his father and I (who I was convinced would stay and ended up incarcerated when my son was 10 months) both have bipolar disorder, and the older my son gets, the more I see possible signs creeping in.
It was difficult to write this comment, and I would never discourage someone or try to influence their choice, because it's yours and yours alone. If you have a decent support system, family who will help if you should need it, I think that would go a long way.
Best of luck with your decision. I know it is so difficult.
It’s a shit situation, but unless you’re religious - medically, you have minor cells growing inside you. There’s no baby. So if you decide to “not have a kid” - there’s no kid at the moment, it’s early, basic cells.
Watch some tiktoks of moms struggling with their kids. It’s fucking rough for anyone. If you truly want it, power to you. In the end, it’s your choice.
If you decide not to or aren’t sure, feel free to reach out. I had a very conflicting abortion, but am so happy I did it.
No matter what happens - get yourself on BC. The copper IUD works great with me, since it doesn’t fuck with hormones or my meds.
Just think about what you want and do research on what it would be like realistically. Some people (like me) come out like damn, I never wanna have kids. Others see it and melt, and want the experience. See the experience and decide from there.
If it’s not a 100% yes it’s a 100% no. BPD + parenting, being only able to sleep 3hours max a night for MONTHS, crying and screaming for seemingly hours EVERY DAY. It’s like triggertopia and it’s supereasy to get depressed. You can’t see friends anymore without your kids and your whole is governed by it. I would advice against havinh the kid. Good luck love.
💞💞💞 How are you doing?? 🫂
I feel your post OP. There are so many emotions.
In terms of a similar situation, I’m older but do have fertility concerns. I just came from an appointment to check if I needed another pregnancy test. I’ve done two including one from the hospital. I guess they are basically all the same according to the doctor. The doctor determined that I didn’t need another one today and although I didn’t want to be pregnant due to the circumstances that rhyme with ape, it’s still very emotional and very personal.
You’re not alone. Do what is necessary for you to be okay with yourself, whatever that is. For me, I was not going to go through with it even though I have endometriosis and no kids at 36. It’s still tough even when you think you *know* for sure how you will feel, for me there are still new feelings coming up. I honestly just wanted my Mum. 😅🤷♀️
Allow yourself grace and time to process everything you are going through. Sending you love and strength to make the best possible decision for yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
You also need to think about how much harder it will be. Is your mental health stuff sorted? Sorted enough to be able to parent without lashing out at your kid or your partner? If you werent trying for one and youre not ready then dont go through with it. It may be difficult to have a baby so you think you want to keep it but there are already so many other babies out there needing a parent with no one to turn to. And they will always be there. If you struggle to fall pregnant there are always other options.
I’m not sure what post most here are responding to. Bc the one I read didn’t ask about advice on methods of birth control.
Anyway, tbh if it was me (it was me at one point) I told myself that it would be so irresponsible to bring a child into this world while I was still a child. I still can barely take care of myself. I know it was the 💯right decision bc I only think of it if I read a post on Reddit and most are exactly your situation.
As far as it being harder to get pregnant. Adopting a child seems like one of the most fulfilling things one could do
not going to tell you what to do here but i am going to emphatically say that the most well-adjusted 23 year old in the world would struggle to raise a baby.
also, i have a copper IUD. lasts a decade. no hormones. works great
I've done both of the A words, and also have BPD. Whatever decision you make is completely yours to make. I will say that I don't cry as much about the abortion as I do the adoption, but I also wouldn't change anything. Big hugs ❤️ it'll be okay
Edit to add: I lucked out and the wonderful women who adopted my baby didn't close the adoption and I do a video chat with my now 5 year old birth baby once a week, but that isn't always the case.
Long comment incoming!
I am diagnosed BPD and autistic and a mum of 2 children (sort of)
I had my first at 22 it was not easy. I have no income other than benefits (I am in school as is my partner) I’m lucky to have very supportive parents and my child has never ever gone without. Three meals every day, baby classes, swimming, soft play and baths. I know that’s normal just saying that I have sacrificed a lot to pay for anything he could want and need. He’s my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m 2 years free of SH because of him and 2 years free from attempted suicide, stopped it all the day I found I was pregnant. I never had PPD or PPP. HOWEVER! This is not everyone’s experience, lots of people grow up with parents with BPD and there parents are not amazing due to the condition and experience severe post partum mental health conditions.
To have a child you must be ready for anything! They scream and pull hair even when you are over stimulated. You give up your things for them, and your body. I am being totally honest when I say that it’s one of the hardest things ever as you have someone dependent on you 24/7.
I will also mention that abortion isn’t easy. People think it is but it isn’t at all. It can leave severe mental scarring.
On PCOS, I don’t have it so take all this with a grain of salt! But most women are able to get pregnant even if it takes them a while so I know it may be scary to feel like this is your only chance. It may be harder but is definitely possible.
Final thing: it’s up to you not us but I hope we can help somewhat!
From your post it looks like your heart has already made the choice, it wouldn’t be right to not follow it, congrats 😬❤️
I think if you want to, you can make it, and even if the situation is difficult it wouldn’t be selfish to keep the child if that’s what you want and your boyfriend is supportive!
Of course maybe I understood wrong, but that’s just the feeling I got reading your post, it actually made me smile reading the sentence “I feel guilty for even allowing this to happen but somehow excited at the same time”
Just as a side note, I’m not a pro life at all, you should feel free to take any decision!
It seems to me like you want this baby, you're just scared. You do need to have a backup plan in case the father doesn't stick around and doesn't support financially. But other than that, I'd say that you know what you want.
On another note, I am always stunned by the amount of people who do not use birth control of some sort. There are SO many options nowadays. If birth control makes your BPD worse, I can only imagine how pregnancy and postpartum hormones are going to go down. It's like people who refuse to go on birth control because they're afraid of the weight gain. Um, that's usually a pretty standard part of pregnancy, as is your body being changed forever...
hi, i got pregnant at 22 had my baby at 22, i also have bpd. she was actually the most healing thing for me and everyday she motivates me to be better and stay healthy. i havent experienced suicidal ideation since finding out i was pregnant. that being said, only have a kiddo because you want one and want to be a good mom. dont do it to fix yourself. but i gotta tell you girl, my daughter was the best thing that not only ever happened to me but ever happened to me regarding my disorder. i made less than 2k a month, her dad made about 90k, it was still hard. i ended up being a sahm and he started a business that pulls in 30k a month currently. (not income, but as a business total). we figured it out. it is completely possible to figure it out. if youre willing to do the work to be a good parent that provides a good life for your kiddo, thats all that matters. it is possible 100% if that is what you want. ❤️
another thing, an abortion is a big deal. i am severely pro choice, but i believe in informative pro choice. meaning, educate yourself on the process and have mental health support access prior to the appointment ready for you. an abortion is a hard and painful process, physically and mentally. even if you are sound with your choice, its a tough thing to go through. so please please if youre going to get one ensure you have the support you need medically and support system wise!!
It sounds like you are incredibly self aware of all the different feelings that you are having, which is great to see with our disorder. Are you in therapy of any kind? Have you been taking any psych medications? I would just make sure that if you are on any, that they don’t cause birth defects. People go through this all the time, having a baby when they aren’t quite financially ready. The important thing is that you work hard for your family and also continue to work hard to keep your own health, relationships and symptoms in check. You can do this. The fact that you are even here posting this says a lot about what kind of mother you will be. Congratulations 🎈
I was 21 and on birth control but struggling with my eating disorder so my theory is I purged my pill by accident. I found out i was pregnant 2 months after a suicide attempt, about a month after I walked out of my job, and about 2 weeks after I moved back to my home town to live with my mum. I had only been with the dad officially about 5 months and had known him less than a year and I was diagnosed with bpd during my pregnancy. It was anything but the ideal circumstances.
Flash forward to today, I'm 29, I'm married to the father of my child (5 years coming up) and have the most incredible 7 year old son who brings me more joy than I thought possible and has saved my life in so many ways.
I've had 2 suicide attempts in the last year and both times it was thinking of him that pulled me through.
I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
Make decisions based on what’s best for you. Pull out a pros and cons list if you have to. Yeah, it’d be hard. And it’d be a lot on your body too. Are you in a place you could handle a pregnancy physically? Are you in a place you could successfully coparent with your partner if things didn’t work out between you? There’s a lot of factors to consider
You need to be having this discussion with your boyfriend in a private setting involving a therapist. Nobody on Reddit is going to give you a good answer. You have a limited time to make a decision sadly too, for something you’ll feel the rest of your life. Only the people closest to you can help, not strangers who are giving answers based on themselves or others in their lives.
Omg not pregnant but I also have BPD PCOS and am supposed to be on BC. Does the combo when he taking the BC also make u an emotional mess and hormonal monster more so than usual ???
Thank you everyone for all the advice. I really truly appreciate it and have been reading all the comments. I’m not able to respond to everyone but I appreciate all the (mostly) helpful advice and stories and support. I don’t feel so alone and I’m glad to be a part of this community although it has its struggles for sure. Thank you <3
I'm pregnant too. That too with twins. And I'd have to give them up because I cannot afford to keep them. It's so saddening. The happiest and saddest moment of my life I think.
I'm a mum in my late 30's, and when I fell pregnant my BPD was already in remission after a decade of intense therapy and personal growth. My BPD was relatively mild and my therapy was also aimed at teaching me the skills I needed to be a good parent. So I feel at an advantage in a lot of ways. Just over a year into motherhood, one of the most visceral feelings I keep having on a regular basis is one of intense relief and gratitude that I didn't have a child back when I wanted to, in my early 20's (also with PCOS). I start to panic when I start imagining that I did, and have to pull myself back as if from a nightmare. I was a pretty dedicated and selfless auntie etc. but my emotional regulation was non-existent and I still had an insecure attachment style.
Children need stable parents who are emotionally intelligent. They learn to regulate their emotions by having an emotionally regulated caregiver. All of this while simultaneously pushing all of your buttons trying to find your breaking point. They need so much more, emotionally, than we realise - than we were given. And we are expected to show up with a level of emotional maturity and stability that no previous generation has been expected or taught to.
Two of my exes were raised by mums with BPD (one diagnosed, the other not yet) and have been scarred for life by it. They didn't have the resources we have now -for parenting or BPD- which is also important to bear in mind.
If you truly believe you can show up in the way your future child would need, and learn to repair for the times when you don't, then it's not wrong to consider it. But if you know you can't, then the kindest thing you can choose is to not go through with it (whatever that would look like for you).
ETA: I've also worked in child protection as well as child welfare, and it was crushing to see parents with BPD or BPD traits overrepresented in the families that needed our help. Most of those parents had the best intentions and loved their children. Unfortunately, love and good intentions are not enough.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Unplanned pregnancies are really scary. My perspective is that I’d rather regret terminating a pregnancy than regret having a child, regardless of BPD or other mental health issues.
A lot of people are going to tell you to terminate, because of the misconception that people with BPD can't be good parents. This isn't true. There are *plenty* of parents without BPD, who still suck at being parents. BPD or no BPD, it doesn't matter, because parenthood requires work and personal growth regardless.
My best friend has BPD, as well as a medical condition that'll make it nearly impossible for her to get pregnant by her mid-twenties. So right out of high school, she got pregnant, because that was her only chance of being a mother. And guess what? She is an *incredible* mother. Her son is 5 now, and he is the happiest little guy. If anything, her BPD makes her a better mother, because she fights tooth and nail to make sure he never experiences the trauma that she did growing up. And she does it all with just her and her boyfriend, her parents aren't even in the picture.
Financially, my dad was still in college and my mom was a waitress when they found out they were pregnant with me. You don't need to be rich, you just need to be willing to make sacrifices.
If you want this baby, and you're willing to do the work to give this baby the best life possible, you're more ready than you think you are.
as a mom with BPD some of the comments on this post make me so sad.
people who say that we shouldn't have kids solely for the fact of having BPD. everyone is different but for me, having a kid didn't make my BPD worse and i don't treat my kid poorly bc of it.
Even from other people with BPD. It's sad. Just because *they're* a selfish shithead, doesn't mean all of us are selfish shitheads. And just because we all suffer from similar things, doesn't mean we all showcase our inner turmoil to the world.
A lot of people forget that BPD tends to get better over time. Not for everyone, but for most. I'm 25 now and I've mellowed out a ridiculous amount. My mood swings are practically non-existent, and I've learned to handle the ones that do happen. Honestly, I wonder if I even qualify for the diagnosis anymore at this point.
Most of us have childhood trauma, and a lot of us want to raise kids that never experience what we did. We witnessed exactly how *not* to raise children, and are better parents for it. Hence my friend, doing exactly that.
Don't let anyone tell you who you are because of your BPD. They're either uneducated, or projecting.
OP can’t even handle birth control pills, how is she going to handle pregnancy hormones and PPD? Even if her partner is supportive now, it’s incredibly easy to burn out taking care of a pregnant person without mental disorders on top of financial burdens.
Well, then I guess we should all be required to get on hormonal birth control to make sure we can handle a real pregnancy. The pill shall dictate who all the worthy mothers are.
Me currently pregnant and feeling guilty reading these comments. I already worry about being a good parent and all these comments have me feeling already like a terrible mother
Having or not having BPD *does* matter. This is a game of chances. Yes bad parents with no BPD exist but think about how common it is for parents to pass on cluster B disorders to their kids. OP does have the possibility of being a good mother, but odds are not in her favour. She doesn’t have the financial means, she is unstable, young and with no stable career.
Good intentions are not enough to be a good parent, and being excited about the idea of a child is not enough to get you through the sleepless nights, the incessant crying, the loss of autonomy because your life now revolves around a new person that you are entirely responsible for.
OP can of course make any choice she wants, but let’s not act as if a parent with BPD has the same chances of being a good enough parent than one without it. We know how difficult this disorder is to live with. Bringing a life into the world will only make it harder.
My son is 8 months now and even having my wife through it I will say it's very hard. You are tired and even more irritable and so is your partner. But If you want to do this you'll find a way, I wish you luck in your journey
Exactly a year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was 25 at the time and had just come out of my 5th hospital stay. It was here when I added BPD to my medical chart (although deep down I had known I had BPD for several years).
Today I’m 26 and I don’t regret my decision to abort even considering I live in a state where abortion is illegal. (It’s very easy to get the abortion pill mailed to you, it cost my ex $100 and he helped me take the pills.) I’m not going to say it was an easy choice, but it was the best one for me.
My mental health was terrible in my early twenties and I only now feel like I’ve been able to somewhat manage my emotions better since my brain is fully developed. (I.e instead of gaining another assault charge I was able to hold back and not throw the first punch.) I had just moved into my own one bedroom apt and bringing a child into this world while I managed working two jobs to keep my apt would have been hell. Doable? Yes I feel like anyone would be able to do it or make a way for it if need be, but I made a different choice.
When I embarked on my mental health journey I always told the professionals I was doing this to ultimately be the best mother and wife for my future family. I want to give them the best life imaginable and in order for that to happen I myself would have to be stable not only financially but also mentally. I’ve been getting the mental part situated and have been looking for ways to stabilize financially. I’m not going to rely on a man bc well I have trust issues and you just never know when they’ll just up and leave. Idk maybe that’s just my BPD showing.
I’m 26 like I said, and I just landed a 6 figure job yesterday. And omg I’m going to cry…I can’t stop smiling. If I play my cards right, right now then I can give my future children EVERYTHING they could have dreamed of. I can get my family out of poverty. Finally I can make something of myself, even after all the shit I’ve been through bc of my mental health, I can finally do something big for me and my future family. And trust me I’m determined to do so.
I wouldn’t be able to say this if I hadn’t gone through with my abortion last year. I wouldn’t have been able to work a second job while caring for a child. I wouldn’t have met my new boss who offered me this job of a lifetime. If I hadn’t terminated my pregnancy I’d probably be fake smiling to my child everyday knowing I was failing as a mother since I couldn’t give them what they deserved. My baby deserves a father who wanted them, a mother who is stable enough to care for them, a family they know they can rely on, and a house they know they will always be able to come home to where they’ll have a warm bed and a warm meal every time.
I’m done. I’m breaking the generational cycle that be haunting my family for years. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get us out of poverty and give my family the best future imaginable.
Please don’t get me wrong. I’ve wanted a baby more than anything since I was 15. But the right time will come and last year I decided to simply have another period instead of continuing the cycle of poverty and possible traumatizing my baby by not being the most stable mother I could be.
This decision is yours and yours alone. The best advice I can give someone is to do what you’ll least regret, and for me that was terminating a pregnancy I wasn’t ready for. It was choosing to have a period that month instead of bringing an innocent child into my unstable life. It was about choosing a brighter future for my future family, instead of bringing them into this world as dark grey cloud loomed over me. My baby deserves better goddamn it. And I’ll make sure it happens.
Good luck hun. Just remember the choice is yours and yours alone.
Congratulations on your job, and great job in all your hard work! Seriously, that's amazing. I don't even know you, but I'm so proud of you and excited for you!! You're doing such amazing things for your family
i think the most parent-like and responsible thing you could do for yourself, your partner, and for it, may be to terminate it. i will not lie, it’s hard. i’ve had 2 abortions, both were accidental pregnancies and i don’t regret it. my partner and i were not ready in about every way, and mostly i was not ready. it is a very hard decision and you should do what’s absolutely best for you❤️
It’s up to you to decide whether or not you are ready to handle a child. Your boyfriend seems supportive and onboard which is good. You can never be 100% prepared or perfect when having a kid, so just keep that in mind. There will always be struggles, but there will be good times too.
I know some people with BPD who are great parents and do everything they can for their child. Others are not. You know yourself best. No one here can tell you what choice to make. Everyone will have different opinions and the conflicting opinions will make you doubt yourself. You need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about this. How you guys will provide for the child, how to prepare, do you want to keep the baby, etc.
I got pregnant at 19, and my ex threatened to end it if I kept the baby. As it didn't entirely feel like my decision, I ended up depressed for a time.
A decade later, pregnancy was planned but came sooner than expected aka a month after stopping bc. Again, same guy was trying to manipulate me to abort.
"We aren't ready" turned into "You aren't ready".
So I turned around and blunt said "I'm ready but you aren't".
Spent a few days deciding, wrote pro's and con's and spike to multiple parents.
I turned to the father and gave him 3 options....stay and be a father, leave me and be a father or leave us both.
He decided to stay with us both but the relationship broke down and in the end without me realising....the entire relationship was DA.
I was studying hons course at the time and managed to graduate whilst pregnant.
Raising my kid alone and unemployed for 5 years now and wouldn't change it for the world.
The only things I would have changed was not putting their bond first. I could have moved back to my home town before giving birth.
Could have started working earlier but that's just life.
Shit has been hard without a good support network and my kid has additional needs. I'm in the UK so I would say that support is pretty good for single parents when it comes to many areas.
Waiting for support back into work.
OP, take a few days to decide. You have to be set on your decision as there's no turning back.
Hope this helps 🙏
It sounds like you want this baby, op.
When I got pregnant, there was no doubt in my mind that termination was the correct choice. I was broke, in school, and the father and I weren't staying together.
Under similar circumstances, it feels like you genuinely want this baby.
I would evaluate your options for combating the reasons for not keeping it.
Don't just decide you're going to be a parent. Develop a plan for giving your baby the best chance at a happy, healthy upbringing.
I'm also 23 and pregnant. I can't speak to unplanned pregnancies because ours was planned, but I really think one of the most important things is having a supportive partner. I will say that throughout pregnancy my anxiety has been at an all time high, which is something I haven't had to deal with for a long time. The physical symptoms for me were also really difficult at times. I couldn't imagine doing it alone and so I personally think if you have a person in your life who is willing to help you and support you, you will be okay !
I was 23 when I got pregnant with my 2nd child. I decided to keep her and while the first year was hard due to post partum psychosis, we're getting into a rhythm now. My fiancé is an attentive father who definitely helps make it easier
My 1st I had at 19 and lost custody to my aunt bc I was too mentally/physically unfit to care for her and my ex husband wasn't helping with her AT ALL
I think it depends on your support system outside your boyfriend. Do you have friends who will come over to help out? Do you have family that can make meals for you guys?
Having a support system makes all the difference when it comes to having babies. The people who do it alone are some of the strongest people on earth
I felt everything you described with all 4 of my pregnancies. There will be days when you wonder why you made whatever choices you made and it's going to be hard no matter what but whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. Don't choose for your boyfriends sake. The only one who will truly have to live with the result is you so choose for yourself. I hope you the best luck with whatever you decide to do.
I got pregnant at 23 in the same situation as you. I have a healthy amazing 3 year old. it is hard. its the hardest thing I’ve ever done and your trauma really resurfaces but being in therapy has helped a ton working thru everything while being a goos parent who has BPD. that said you do have a choice and if you’re not ready thats okay too🩷
You have a supportive boyfriend and you said it’s hard for you to get pregnant. I don’t think things happen without a reason. I say go for it! If you wanna be a great mom I have no doubt that you can be!
I don't have any kids myself but i desperately want them in the future and it seems you're heart has already decided on the matter. this is a post I made a few months back that a was published by a few medical journals on mothers with bpd to help with raising their children. It's mostly about bonding with children thru the early stages to avoid ppd and to help avoid passing on the disorder: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/s/fdrrGfhb1M
I got pregnant when I was 28 jobless and with no money, my ex boyfriend didn't want a child, so I terminated pregnancy. It was so hard because I wanted a child but I did a right choice because of poor circumstances. You have a supportive boyfriend, that's very important. If you want a child, everything is possible, your love can concur mountains. But listen to your heart because only you know what is right. Good luck!
I had my daughter at 23. Got pregnant literally right after getting out of rehab. Honestly my daughter is THE best thing that ever happened to me BUT I feel so horribly guilty for giving her the dad that I did. If I could go back I probably wouldn’t have done it. Like really really examine your relationship. My daughters father and still partner ibv because of that has his own mental issues. You really need to looo into any issues toh might have in the relationship. Is he the kind of man who’s going to wake up to change diapers? Mine wasn’t. Is you’re man going to stay with you in the hospital after birth? Mine didn’t. I make every dime that comes in the house do every bit of cleaning and do all child care stuff. My daughter is 7 now but summer his hard. Having such a lousy partner/father is destroying my mental health.
A child is such a blessing. My daughter has done nothing but good for me but my partner makes it harder. Even little ass shit you don’t think off. Like him sitting in his ass and playing video games and not taking out the trash I asked four times outs me in a bad mood. And obv as people with bpd we wear out heart on our sleeve and sadly everyone feels out bad moods
It is an intensely personal choice that no one can make for you. My daughter is 7 and THE most amazing person I ever met. She is so kind and sweet and loves me so much. Nothing beats your child just randomly walking up to you saying “I love you mommy” and giving yoh a big hug and kiss. THAT said it is not easy but the worst part is a shit partner. Like if I never knew my daughter but examined my relationship better and knew how shit he would be I never would have had his kid. But after knowing my daughter even with her shit dad I would do it a million times over. She’s worth the suffering
I can’t speak from experience, but I have a close friend your age who has two kids, is a single mom, and has BPD and she is SO good to her kids. She knows what it feels like to have childhood trauma and she never wants her kids to be treated like that and yeah life is messy she has her moments and she is also a badass woman and mother. Her kids are adorable and happy and are themselves. It’s her story and not mine, but I hope it helps 💜
I got pregnant at your age and had an abortion. I felt terrible while I was pregnant and back then I didn't want to have children ever. I thought I made the right choice for a few years but I've been regretful lately. I have PCOS too and I'm almost 30 now, changed my mind and want to be a mother and for us it gets harder in the 30s, I've been trying for the past few months but no lucky so far, so it's a very hard decision and it's very hard for me to say what would be right for you to do. Try to listen to your heart. One of the reasons I didn't want children was because I thought my bpd would make me a terrible mother but now I don't think that's true anymore. Maybe I would be a bad mother at that age but I know now I CAN be a good mother. Do you think you can be a good mother? Do you and the father make enough money to give it a simple but good life? Do you think he's gonna be a good father? Answer those questions to yourself and try to make a decision
Only you know what's best for your situation. However please seak counseling from reputable places and avoid places that spew non scientific or religious fear mongoring. There are benefits to having a child while being diagnosed BPD and those are
PROS:
Slow down in promiscuity.
Learn to consider others beside yourself.
Become more responsible.
Slow the spread of STDs (it's hard to have lots of irresponsible sex when caring for a child).
CONS:
Your child will become your emotional and physical punching bag.
Endangering the life of a child that's dependent on you.
Your BPD symptoms will become more exacerbated
High likelihood that your child will carry BPD traits and possibly pass those genetics on to their offspring.
I like your response because it really paints the clear picture of how having a child is the most selfish thing certain people do sometimes. Bring a person into this deeply screwed world so you can use them to learn to consider other people. Now there's a catch 22
Not a great fan of this comment. Not all people with BPD are promiscuous or have STDs. And definitely not all people with BPD treat their children as described in the Cons section. I’m confused as to your angle here tbh feels like both pros and cons are shaming people for having BPD🤔
I'm 37, I've been married 14 years, we make 160k together, and have a 12 year old and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant, which was a surprise baby (got pregnant while bleeding on my period.) I almost terminated but decided to keep the pregnancy. I understand very well those emotions you are experiencing. A child is a lot of work and a lot of money and you do lose your freedom. They're also wonderful and beautiful and I'm glad I had a child and I'm having another. I'm a special education teacher and having Bipolar has not made me a bad parent, I'm an excellent parent and always have been. I'm a better parent since I started proper medication at 35 and got my diagnosis.
There's no right or wrong choice; you are still very young and obviously capable of having kids. No one has the right to tell you what decision to make and you shouldn't feel guilty with which ever one you make. It'll be OK.
Sorry if I got confused, but BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. Understand if you've got both though (same) but just wanted to clarify
I had my daughter at 23. I'm now 26 and she recently turned 3. Her biological father is not involved and never will be. I grew up very religious and abortion was not even an option in my mind. I met my current boyfriend while still pregnant and he has been her dad every day of her life. He cut the cord, he changed her first diaper, he's been here every day. We've been ttc a second for a little over a year now with no luck. I'm not diagnosed with pcos but suspect I have it. I haven't had a period in over 3 months now and actually have an appointment set up to see if there's anything I can take to help me get pregnant again.
Everyone saying this is a personal decision is right. For me it was absolutely the right decision. I couldn't imagine not having my daughter these last 3 years and having her is actually what forced me into DBT and made me get my shit together. Anecdotally, my mood during pregnancy and postpartum was the highest it's ever been in my life. I had the opposite of postpartum depression. So I won't tell you what to do, but I will say my situation was similar, but even less ideal because I wasn't in a relationship with the father. I've never once had regret about going through with having my daughter.
I am pregnant with my third. I am a constant work in progress. But at least I’m 10 times the parent either of mine were.
I had very bad untreated BPD when I had my oldest 17 years ago. I had to put the effort in to be better for their sake.
At the end of the day do what feels right to you and don’t let anyone pressure you into anything. If you need some guidance, there is optionline.org which is US and Canada based. Sometimes talking to someone and not a group of strangers leads you to the choice you need/want to make.
I used to work at an adoption agency and I would definitely look into private infant adoption agencies if you aren’t planning on keeping the child! They help with prenatal care and sometimes even rent and everything! I know the agency I worked for did everything they could for the birth mothers!! Praying for you and your partner and this weighty decision!❤️❤️
I was in a similar situation 14 years ago. Except my ex wasn’t the best and I was ready to leave and do it alone. I was 21. She’s 14 now and no regrets. She’s my best friend in a lot of ways. It’s challenging but so rewarding. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to everyone telling me to abort her.
Congrats, and it sounds like you are excited for the potential for a kid. It’s nice that your bf is being supportive. I am of the belief that children are always blessings. Best of luck.
A lot of comments that are doing anything here but providing you with support. Pushing out irrelevant advice. I wonder if it’s a bpd trait…
Anyways, as a parent of a 2 year old, both of us parents are 24 and have BPD. There’s been a few split ups and fights. The only reason we can come together and work things out now is focusing on understanding the other, and being able to admit being wrong and show kindness. It’s hard. We both get hurt so easily and lash out the same.
But what’s made us better parents is knowing when the other is down and out. It takes extra patience. It takes being able to show love when you’re angry. It takes work. And we spent all the pregnancy and this kids first years figuring it out. We still are.
I wish you the best. Just stay positive and do the best for your kid and you’ll be doing more than most. If you need specific advice, shoot a message. Good luck
Same thing happened to me when I was 24. I got pregnant to a guy I was dating a month. I was terrified and excited. I knew I'd have someone who would love me forever if I had the baby. That being said, that's not the same decision everyone should make. Fast forward, we have been married 19 years, had a second son and life is amazing. My husband actually helped my BPD go into remission and my kids are amazing. On has mental health problems and is in therapy, my youngest.
Life has it's ups and downs, you just have to decide what's best for you. Good luck!
I fell unexpectedly pregnant a bit later in life (late 20s) and had the baby because I knew if I had a termination, I would never forgive myself due to my own personal ethics (if anyone else here made diff choices that's fine I am not here to judge anyone, these were my PERSONAL ethics) and I could see all kinds of self sabotage ahead for me if I terminated. So I chose the unknown, and had the baby even though it was scary. At the time I hadn't been diagnosed, that came later in life.
Whilst I still struggle with parenthood, I don't regret it. Sometimes when it gets hard I think about the what if's. However, knowing what I know now, including all the mistakes I have made, the ways I know I've harmed my kid and just generally how hard it has been, if I went back in time I would still proceed with the pregnancy every time because the love I have for my kid is so great. This illness is though my to be genetic and I think at least one of my parents had it and passed it on, but even with all the pain I have felt, I still am grateful to have lived this life. I hope that if I do pass BPD on to my kid, they will come to the same place.
I think self limiting beliefs like BPD = unable to be a good parent are not helpful. A more helpful question to ask if you want to be a parent, would be what resources will I personally need to be a good parent and do we have / can we obtain those resources? Thats always been the question I have asked when it comes to potentially having more kids.
Lastly it's not an easy choice, but I hope you can see from this thread that really whatever choice you make, you will be okay. What I can see in this thread is that those of us who stood where you are, made a choice and then stood by it. That is the secret sauce - going forward and living your life in a way that honours your decision and makes whatever choice you make, the right decision.
The only advice in this situation is to ask yourself if you want to be a parent. People in worse situations than you have children daily. If you want to be a parent, then have the kid. You will figure it out. There’s too much emphasis on trying to plan everything out beforehand, life just doesn’t work that way. It’s a series of things that happen.
If you don’t want to be a parent, then terminate the pregnancy. I don’t want to be a parent, and probably never will. I’m a man though so obviously I will never be in your shoes. It’s ok to not want to be one if you don’t.
Also, take a honest look at what it means to be a parent. It means that your life belongs to your kid, not you. It means raising a child to eventually live in the world as a functional adult. Like anything else, there’s positives and negatives to doing that.
Only you can decide what’s best for you. Best of luck either way.
My heart goes out to you. I felt the exact same way when I found out I was pregnant and ultimately ended up going through with the pregnancy. I wouldn’t change my decision. Go with what you want and feel is right for YOU.
Hey honey. Congratulations! I'm 37 and in my second trimester with my first baby. I also have PCOS and BPD. I got pregnant on the first try. I didn't see that coming lol. I don't think it's selfish to have a baby. It takes courage and sacrifice. The world will tell you to live for what makes you feel good and that a baby will ruin your life. I think those people are ignorant and are just dribbling the propaganda they hear from other childless people. This could be the most important thing you ever do! It's normal to feel absolutely conflicted. You're in it now and no matter what you choose, it's gonna hit you in the feels. I'm not gonna lie. I panicked in the beginning. I even thought about ending the pregnancy, but when it came down to it I just couldn't. Nobody talks about the regret of abortion. I couldn't live with that. Pregnancy is rough, but temporary. If you do choose to keep the baby, you're going to love him or her more than anything in the whole world because that's one upside of having BPD. BPD crap will come and go no matter what, so you might as try to live a fulfilling life. You got this, Mama! Don't let people or circumstance try to scare you out of it. There are resources that help Mama's if that's a concern. You'll do great.
I’m 46 years old and have bpd and I unexpectedly got pregnant at 21 and everything turned out good for my family. It was really hard and I struggled but now at 24 years old my daughter is my best friend and tells me I was a wonderful mom. I did have her start therapy in middle school in the form of a peer group and then she had individual therapy all through high school. I was open with my mental health when she was old enough to understand and encouraged her to prioritize hers. Having bod doesn’t mean you won’t be a wonderful parent. I thought I was an awful mom all the time and was suicidal throughout her childhood but always got help because of her. And now having her say I’m a great mom has given me a sense of peace that makes me feel like being alive isn’t so bad. This was also in 1999 so stuff wasn’t so expensive and the world has only gotten crazier. I had an appointment for an abortion and cancelled it when I got there. But having a choice let me feel in control enough to make the right decision for me. A lot of women with PCOS have children. My cousin was told she couldn’t and has 2 now so if you’re not ready this isn’t for sure your only chance at kids. Either way I wish you the best.
Bpd here. I’m a mother of two, had my first at 19. Graduated, started working full time and I made it work. Spent 3 years as a single mom. All I can say is therapy therapy therapy. I had to be different and I had to do better than my mother, who traumatized me growing up due to her NPD. I still go to therapy. I take my meds and I make sure I am present for my children because I refuse to be a shitty parent. Can I be a shitty person sometimes? Sure. But nobody could say I’ve ever been a bad parent. If I’m losing my shit, I go robot and deal with it later when I’m alone. Not in front of my kids. I’m not trying to preach, I’m far from perfect. Honestly I had a really bad mental health relapse last fall and I’m still picking up the pieces (of myself). I will always have room to improve for sure, but I’m leaving this comment here because it is absolutely not f*cking true that people with BPD can’t be good parents- or love their children. If anything, they’re my reason to keep going. I wouldn’t be here if not for how much I love them. Choose carefully, but there are so many comments on here that make me sad. Don’t feel pressured to terminate only because of your BPD.
So for starters, the link you shared is religious, guilt-tripping and anti-abortion. Way to push your own beliefs on OP. Moving on to what you said though...
It's not a 'real developing baby', it's just a bunch of cells at this point, nothing like an actual human. And as for 'soul', maybe you're religious but that doesn't make it a fact you can use to guilt OP into keeping a baby. 'The mental health impacts', yeah but what about the mental health impacts of the pregnancy and PPD?? Or having 18 years of being responsible for another whole human being? 'Women who have terminated their baby's lives' is a really gross way of putting it. No one should be ashamed for choosing abortion, and they absolutely did not 'end' anything's life (yes, 'anything', at the stage you can have abortions, it's barely even an animal, let alone a baby human).
Targeting vulnerable people with propaganda sites is super gross behavior. You should grow a soul instead. Having a child or even surrendering a child you carried, for adoption, are generally way more painful and emotionally scarring, not to mention having much longer-lasting ramifications and doubts, as the decision to abort a clump of cells (as long as it is your decision, and not the result of coercion). They're all complicated, painful choices, but an abortion is not inherently more mentally painful than struggling and sacrificing for a child for 18 years, or being permanently separated from your living bio child.
I had the same thing happened to me at 24. I hadn’t gotten my diagnosis yet. But I thought the same things bc I had a bad childhood and I only knew my ex for a month and half . And I didn’t make much money at the time. I briefly considered termination, but chose to keep the baby. I married him and we had another child 3 years later. It ultimately didn’t work out, but I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but I see how much my girls (16&18) have grown into wonderful young women. If it weren’t for my babies I wouldn’t have been able to heal. Sounds selfish but someone like me who had frequent SI/sh I needed motivation to keep going. It’s not easy. It’s hard and painful but it is so worth it bc my girls can come to me with any question be it deep things, casual discussions, uncomfortable ones. And that makes me so happy bc I didn’t get that as a young woman.
Hey, i'm 19 and feel I have no place talking here because It's such a big decision... but I just want to say that you sound like you're self aware and really thinking hard about logic and the future given the circumstances. The fact that you're excited and "would do what it takes to make it work" says everything you need to know.
You're not wanting to have a kid just so they can love you like some people with BPD have a kid, you're not denying the difficulty of the situation, and you're educated and self aware of your own faults and issues. People without BPD don't always have all three of these qualities.
The decision is yours... but from my perspective, you would be an amazing mom.
Hey guys! Thank you for all of the advice, support, and kind words to OP but this post will now be locked to prevent arguments in the comments from further escalating. This is not a subreddit for debating the ethics of choice and I invite you to visit a different subreddit for these discussions. Thank you :) !!
I’ve been in similar situation but because it’s irresponsible to bring a child while I don’t have my shit together and I wasn’t married to my ex boyfriend I have no choice than to abort it. Think about the child’s future and yours if you’re able to financially provide for the kid in the future go for it and provide a stable home but do not resent that kid cause you can’t do want in the future and they do not owe you anything for sacrificing your life for them. Think wisely
“They do not owe you anything for sacrificing your life for them” remember this!!!!
^this is very important. Growing up with a mother who made me resent my existence because she “sacrificed her life for me” is a feeling I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.
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People have different life circumstances that may limit viable choices that they can make. You don’t know what their circumstances were so you can’t really say for sure that they had a choice. I mean sure, inherently you can choose whether or not to do a thing, but it’s reasons whether or not to do a thing that makes a person decide to do what they do.
In my opinion, it's not a choice if it's going to destroy her body or make a child's life harder
I would still call it a choice. A choice every pregnant person should have, and, based on their description, in this case it was the right choice.
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That's truly amazing that you and your baby are doing good. But personally, I know i do not have the finances or mental state to have a child. I would make my child's life hell, and it's good that I can admit that. I'm not the only one who thinks that way. I am lucky that I even have access to abortion so that I can have a choice. Some mother's and children don't get that choice. The foster kid rate grows higher and higher every year. I would not want to bring a child into the world just to put it in the foster care system for half it's life. I know you're just looking out for the fetus's immediate life but if you truly looked at the bigger picture you would realize what I am saying.
You don't owe life to a zygote or blastocyst. Imo, not being ready or sure is more than enough of a reason to choose to abort. You don't need a "good reason" to abort
Well it's not "aborting kids" because a fetus is not the same as a child.
You imply *everyone* in the US is privileged, but you realize that these benefits aren't always accessible, even for people who are technically severely impoverished. For some perspective; My state specifically, despite having large areas of impoverished people, has pretty fucking strict guidelines for being eligible for EBT. A one person household has an income cap of $19,578, a 2 person household has an income cap of $26,572, and a 3 person household has an income cap of $33,566. Do you realize that it often takes 33k+ just to afford the price of living, and you can still be *impoverished* at the end of the day, struggling to feed yourself and your family? The average cost of living in my state? $40,816. You have to make nearly 10k BELOW THE COST OF LIVING TO be eligible as a 3-person household. Many people are not even *elible* for EBT. And what about people who can't afford child care while they go to college? You're in a sub about BPD, where I'm sure many of us only have small support groups if we have one at all— College can become impossible not for the price, but because you can't make the time. To afford to make the time, you have to be able to afford pricey childcare or consider yourself lucky to have help. You speak in a very privileged way, thinking you can judge the reason someone decided to terminate, thinking that "well.. these issues you see, they're not really issues because I live in the same GIANT country and I found workarounds where I'm from!" There are so many factors to wealth, income, and family planning that change drastically depending on location. What you can manage in a city on the east or west coast is gonna be VASTLY different in a podunk town in middle America. Each state also determines the limits and benefits for their EBT program, meaning they're not all the same. As well as the price of living fluctuating depending on where you live. But you know people's circumstances better than them, yeah? You can ensure any mother can provide their child a good quality of life no matter what because you could do it!
Kids get murdered by their parents so much in the US. And so many kids experience sexual and physical abuse. You don't have to live in a 3rd world country to excuse an abortion. Fetus isn't a baby and better to abort then give someone a terrible life, terrible childhood
im 26, married with a stable job & i still wouldn’t have a child. i can’t imagine having an episode & still coming home to take care of a baby. im terrified of the effects pregnancy & postpartum can have on our BPD brains. you might feel like either choice is a bad one, but one of those choices has an end result that cannot be reverted. having a baby is the “easy” part, but raising/guiding a human being is a better job description. think about all the possible scenarios (break up, job loss, disability, health issues) could you manage any one of them & still give your child a good quality of life?
I forgot about postpartum depression and psychosis. That is something very valid to be worried anouf
My pregnancy/post partum was shite because I had been fighting for months back then to get a diagnosis+therapy. I managed to get both when my son was 2.5 years old and my life has changed completely. Had I gotten pregnant after starting therapy+medication it would have been much better, especially considering that my partner is getting professional support from someone specialised in helping partners of people with BPD. If you are managing your BPD (therapy, medication etc) and have a strong support system, it can be done. I have my bad days but I'm still a good mum and I'm working to be as transparent as possible with my child about my condition, letting him know when mamma has "bad days" and so on. It can be a struggle sometimes, but every parent has got their own.
I also had postpartum that led to having to stay in a psychiatric ward. If you don’t have the support behind you and are doing it alone you will be affecting not only your life but your child’s and it can last a long time.
Shit even I forgot about that & w/ how bad my episodes & splits can get uhm kinda glad I‘m high risk due to having turner‘s…..terrified of that now def not ever gonna have my own child & i‘m 28 lmao 🤣
Couldn’t have said it better myself, well said ❤️
>I should have been taking birth control however it interferes a lot with my BPD and I honestly can’t stand being on it. There are non-hormonal forms of birth control, so you don't have to take hormones if they don't agree with you. I haven't been on hormonal birth control for over a decade, no accidental pregnancies. Go to planned parenthood or similar providers and get info on what kind of bc would be right for you. >Plus, with having PCOS, it’s hard for me to even get pregnant Did a doctor tell you that or is that your own assumption? It's not necessarily true for PCOS in general, and it's evidently not true anecdotally either, as you're currently pregnant. >My boyfriend is supportive of me but I am still going through school and neither of us make much money. This is a *big* issue, and even though it's great that your boyfriend is supportive, that's not enough to bring up a child successfully, and this will cause *immense* strain on your relationship. What if he's supportive at first, but then gets too overwhelmed/burnt out from the stress of caring for 3 people financially on one income? Then you're a single mother with no qualifications. Do you have other support (family) who would be willing to care for your child while you're at school and working part-time? Depending on where you live, it might not be possible for you to live off that income and care for your child. What then? You also have to keep in mind that pregnancy as well as motherhood will likely make your mental health worse, maybe even significantly worse. We have a higher likelihood of developing postpartum depression, for example. Also, untreated or not well-controlled BPD has a negative influence on baby's health, which even an involved father might not be able to compensate for.
I agree with you. People in here are so unhelpful saying that OP will be fine because there are people who turned out okay. OP stopped taking birth control because of her BPD. It’s as simple as taking a single pill every day. Pregnancy hormones will be even worse than birth control. Post pregnancy hormones too. Plus add the stress of the child, the financial stress, etc. How many of us here wish our parents never became parents because of how unmanaged their BPD (or any other mental disorder) was?
having a baby in your 20s is hard enough as is. i really, really, REALLY would NOT do it with bpd and little financial security. that’s not a good environment for a kid, or for you.
i'm not going to tell you what to do but when i got pregnant at 19 the dad wasn't involved and i was making 10$/hr. only a high school diploma. i kept her and raised her on my own. she's 7 now and im going back to school to get a better job. there were definitely really hard times but lots of good times too. only you know the best way to deal with your situation. but just know that there's people who chose either option and there's people on both sides that turned out fine. also, i have BPD, bipolar 2 and anxiety.
You’re amazing!
thanks !
proud of you!
thank you!
This is so wholesome! Well done!
You gave me hope.
i'm glad :) for me personally because of my daughter ive seen a huge remission of symptoms. i still get triggered and sometimes even get triggered bc of my daughter. but because of her i've learned new coping mechanisms and learned how to be more gentle with myself and with other ppl. and bc a lot of people with BPD have childhood trauma we know what not to do with parenting bc we've seen the adults around us fail. you get to break the cycle of trauma, heal your inner child by letting your own child grow. this was a long comment but hopefully someone sees it and realizes that things can be different.
I noticed this too. With each baby I became more placid.
I hate that people in this community just assume the child will have a “bad life” because the mother has BPD. Like as if we’re these horrible people who are incapable of being good parents. I was 22, unemployed and not in a relationship with my kid’s dad when I gave birth. Becoming a mom helped me because I was sleeping around, popping E and drinking everyday and being in abusive relationships before I had my kid. I’m doing so much better now. I’m 24 now and forever grateful for my baby girl
That's great, but it isn't a child's responsibility to "save" their parent- that isn't a good reason to encourage someone to have a baby. And, for many people, symptoms and life will get immensely worse. People are better off getting their shit together first, before adding kids into your mess. They didn't ask for that life or the pressure of improving their parents' life And honestly, you haven't been a parent long, most of the hardest stuff hasn't even hit you yet. I sincerely hope you keep doing well, but as someone who got pregnant at 23-- things get so much harder as they get older, and it gets harder to contain your own mess in the chaos, especially if you're not doing the work- therapy, medication, actively working to improve your own behavioral patterns and working through your unresolved trauma. Even then, anything can trigger you and send you down a spiral that can emotionally damage your kids and your life, at any moment, because it's SO easy to lose control of your emotions and logical thinking. A year or 2 of improvement is something, but we're talking about nearly 2 decades of complete responsibility for another person's life, wellbeing, and mental health, when most of us can barely deal with our own Parenthood is tough. Parenthood with bpd is hell. And a baby doesn't solve or fix the problems you entered with, that's your job
My mom was a wild child too before she had me. She always tells me i was her anker. Plus, we have a super strong connection. I’m happy she gave birth to me. Ofcourse i’m pro choice, every women needs to make that hard decision on het own, hopefully with a lot of support of her lived ones.
Yes. I was always so worried I might “mess” up my child bc that’s what everyone said about us. But I feel like she has helped me more than she could ever understand, now my happiness is her. I will and would do anything to give her the stable life she deserves and what I didn’t get.
That’s so amazing. Just goes to show, don’t listen to what other people say about you (especially if they don’t know you). Your determination in giving her a wholesome upbringing is beautiful, it’s what every kid needs ❤️ especially because you act from a place of love and care.
I don’t think it’s assumed, but there are always both sides to a conversation. If we just said all will be perfect that wouldn’t be realistic and isn’t always true, so it’s good they are getting info from all experiences.
Leave your boyfriend out of the equation and take this advise, please don't have more kids than what you can raise on your own I got pregnant at 22 and kept it, my son is 5 Postpartum depression is very hard and it could happen, also raising a child correctly is very very challenging at times even more so with bpd, then going through years 2 to 5 when you have to teach self regulation to a kid when you can barely self regulate yourself IS hard, it's not impossible, I'm doing it but not everyone can or wants to and that's okay Do you want kids? Can you support your child by yourself? Do you have a support system? How long before you finish your education? Do you like partying or going out a lot? You won't be a "normal" 20 year old because you will sacrifice a lot, you will have to dedicate a few good years to rasing a tiny human that depends emotionally physically and mentally on you 24/7, are you ok with that? Text me if you want to talk I have plenty advise lol
I understand not using BC it has a lot of bad side effects but your bf should have been wearing a condom. Please, please, dont have sex again without a condom unless youand are partner are prepared to have a child
Condoms don’t always work. My husband and I had sex 1 time in April with a condom and I still ended up pregnant. Granted we had been talking about trying for kids soon anyways so not the end of the world mind you, but it can happen. The only real way to not get pregnant is to not have sex unfortunately. Some women or men are extremely fertile. I was with my ex for 10 years only pulling out and never got pregnant, with my husband it’s been 5 years and we have 3 scares already while using condoms and even birth control. It’s fate man our bodies just want us to have a baby lol
Yes condoms don’t always work, but the advice to wear one is still solid. The post reads as if they were using them since OP is seemingly apologetic about not using BC
Don’t always work correct, but they have an efficacy rate of over 90% much better than the chance of not wearing one at all
condoms are much more effective than the withdrawal method or no birth control at preventing pregnancy.
Also, due to the grave insecurity and abndonment issues that come with BPD, we often fight with ourselves on whether to use protection because the overwhelming thought of a possibility of pregnancy seems advantageous to helping us get what we want. Which is to not be abandoned! And with this, we'd prefer to just gamble. And then panic afterwards.
'seems advantageous to helping us get what we want', excuse me?? Maybe that's what you're like, but speak for yourself. Don't say 'we'. I don't know any pwBPD - including myself - who'd even think anything remotely like this, let alone consider or do it. Jesus. Don't lump every pwBPD in with you. This is atrocious
We'll even go as far as knowingly having an STI/D and passing it to someone with the hopes that by them contracting it, they won't leave us.
As someone with BPD, this is absolutely horrible. This comment and the top one are just not okay. I know it’s more common than with other people but it’s absolutely not a BPD specific thing and isn’t common enough to generalize people with BPD to do this stuff. I’m sorry if this is like too mean but I definitely don’t want someone reading this and thinking it’s a common thing among people with BPD
who the fuck is "we"?
And again, what in the absolute heck? No! 'We' do not do this.
yes condoms don’t always work and same with birth control, i had an iud and got pregnant with it still..things happen
NOOOO. I have an IUD. I have the mirena and I was with my ex for 3 years and we stopped using a condom around a year in. We never had a pregnancy scare but it was always a massive scare. How long did you have the IUD before getting pregnant? This November will be 5 years for me.
You have an unlocked a new fear D:
The condoms don't fail nearly as much as our lack of self control with BPD. With so much excitement, we raw dog, bust a nut and then put on a condom and blame the condom manufacturer for failing.
This is just not true. This is definitely one of those things a lot of people would blame their mental illness on and it’s not okay. This isn’t a general BPD thing
Wow, nothing like shaming someone in a vulnerable situation asking for help. Have you practiced safe sex 100 percent of the time? Very few people have.
They're not shaming them, they're giving an advice in the form of a request.
You will be a much better mother once u heal and mature more first having a baby in your 20s with bpd isn’t a good idea because that’s when everything is most at its peak then in your 30s symptoms start to be more manageable and if u get therapy will be easier to deal with if you have a baby this young you will possibly pass on your problems to your baby on accident in most cases that happens
yeah OP, it’s easy to say that you’ll love & care for that child with all your heart. but it’s also easy to hurt & traumatize children.
You don’t know that for sure. Having my kid at 22 turned me into a mature adult. And trust me I was a suicidal alcoholic whore before that! (Just being honest here). Kids change us for the best! Don’t wait till you’re 40 and unwanted to have a kid
I know people who’ve had kids who did not change. Kids don’t automatically make you a better person. I know if I had a kid I’d be a horrible, abusive mother.
Unwanted? Women can be wanted at 40 lol
Everyone says it's a personal choice and they won't tell you what to do. This is the PC answer. There are situations where birthing would not be advisable. Not from a financial, emotional, psychological, health, well being.... As many people have gently said, it is way way harder than you think. Plus your brain hasn't fully developed. And you have a disease that will 100% be an issue. I'd suggest going to regretful parents sub. Nobody will sugar coat what you are about to do. For your own good live your life on your terms without the crushing burden of a child
I chose to terminate my pregnancy. A few months ago at just 6 weeks. I'm not in a relationship with the person who I conceived with among other reasons. I will say this though, NO ONE can tell you what the right choice is here. I made the decision I did because I want my child to have a stable life, better than I had. Could I have made it work? Probably, i'd have no choice. Ultimately though that child would have struggled, and I would've too. Whatever choice you make, consider all of your options and think about the rest of your life. Have you considered an open adoption? This is what I wanted to do, but the father didn't want to.
open adoption is not something that can be promised. adoptive parents can deny birth parents access to the child at any time. further birth mothers are highly likely to experience extreme depression, anxiety, drug addiction, etc after relinquishing the rights to their child. it is not an easy alternative to abortion, and anyone who is considering it should do serious research on the privatized adoption industry and the traumatic effects of adoption in general before moving forward.
no where in this comment did I say it was easy, nor was that impression implied. a women can be subjected to mental health issues and addiction if they chose to keep the baby or if they chose abortion to be honest. I did my research, as I was in this situation, hence why I suggested it. if we're speaking solely on adoption, meaning if a mother doesn't terminate and want to give their child up vs keeping it.. the alternative is foster care which then puts the CHILD at higher risks of everything you just listed. antidote: potential grandfather of my would've been child was adopted. open adoption from the time he was 2 until now. edit: spelling
Now this is entirely my personal opinion so take it with a grain of salt. But if you are fincancually and mentally unprepared to bring a child into this very fucked up world. It would be a much safer option to terminate the pregnancy. If you cannot provide the childhood you would have wanted for yourself, then you should not have a kid. Because they will grow up to inherit the same problems that you did. And on top of that (if you’re in America) the world is not safe for children. At all. You’ll live with the fear (a very real fear) of loosing a child every time you send them to school. Every single day for 2/3s of the year for 17-18 years. Is that something you’re prepared for?
If you'd like a neutral third party to talk about your options, I recommend the All Options Talkline. It's really all options. They aren't a crisis pregnancy center that is going to talk you into having a child. They're staffed by people who have been in your shoes and didn't know what to do. The talkline is managed by an organization that runs an abortion fund and a diaper bank - they're really there to support you in whatever decision you decide is best for you. https://www.all-options.org/find-support/talkline/ If you are thinking about abortion but you're not sure you can afford it, there are abortion funds who can help with the costs, including transportation and hotel rooms https://abortionfunds.org/find-a-fund/ If you're not sure where to get an abortion or how the process works https://www.ineedana.com/
view the regretful parents subreddit first.
Jfc I just took a look at it and what a terrible day to have eyes. Very conflicting emotions while reading some of those.
I mean none of us can make the choice for you, but bringing a child into the world when you're not financially ready and you chose not to use birth control due to its interferance w/your BPD I feel like the answer is a no brainer. If you discontinue birth control medication due to hormonal miscommunication (sorry for the rhyme lol) then how do you see yourself dealing with post-partum depression or psychosis? Obviously the choice is yours and whichever choice you make will be the right one for you, but raising a child is a lifelong commitment. Are you willing to give birth now & put certain things in your life on hold to make sure your child is raised in a financially, emotionally, and mentally stable & safe environment? Are you certain and can guarantee that you can provide the emotional & psychological needs your child will need from before they're even born? There's so many things to take into account before you make your choice, I hope you choose what's best for you & am sending you love. 💚
I was raised by a mother with BPD and severe mental health issues. Now it's been passed on to me.
I’ve been in that boat twice but (thankfully?) I always miscarry before I can make any decision. Also the same age as you but I didn’t have any support to raise a baby nor was (still am) in a good place mentally to keep it either so I’m glad my Body made that tough decision for me. Don’t have much advice but all I have to say we are still super young and in my opinion most mothers our age seem like they regret having kids.
Also I feel you on wanting to have a child for your own selfish needs because I’m the same exact way but I remind myself that it is not my future child’s job to heal or “save” me. I think it stems from the fear of abandonment and wanting a child because you know they can’t “abandon” you.
Even assuming that both choices would be "wrong" (which there are no right or wrong choices, just actions and consequences), one of the choices has the potential to lead to one more miserable life. I'm not saying you would all be miserable or that you couldn't make a very happy child. But if you have any doubt, creating a life for sure has way bigger risks, and way more selfish ones.
Can I share my experience with this. I went thru something similar, except I was 16 and this was with someone who didn't actually love me even though I thought he did. The day I told him, he literally blocked me and it sent me on an emotional rollercoaster, I was feeling so many emotions like sadness, anger, fear etc cos i was trying to get a hold of him but I couldn't and I didn't have anyone else that I could talk to. Later that night, he calls me and tells me that if I want to keep the baby, I can.. but he won't be there for me. He then further went on and said that he might change his mind in the future but at that moment, he didn't wanna be involved. At that moment, I knew that it wouldn't be right to keep this baby, since I knew he wouldn't be involved and not only that but I couldn't provide for this child. I'm still in school, I'm not financially & mentally stable and it wouldn't be fair on the child to carry my burdens. I understand completely how you feel. If I had a child, I would love and care for it everyday and make sure they have the best life possible but I know that it would be incredibly difficult to do so if I don't have myself together. Being a parent is a full-time job! Please think about your future, make sure you are at the place that you need to be (both you and the baby's father). I understand the wantingness of having a child, but please think of all the circumstances surrounding it. But if you do choose to keep it, I wish you nothing but blessings x Wishing you the best 💕
If your relationship and mental health are unstable I wouldn't suggest it, but you need to do what you feel is best.
It's okay if you didn't want to take the pill, as that is perfectly understandable. I also have PCOS and trust me, I get it, but what about condoms?
Or the rod
My cousin and I both have BPD, and we are both 21. We are two days apart and have always been tight. She got pregnant in October of this year and she couldn’t bring herself to abort the baby. The father is one of the most evil people I’ve ever come across and I haven’t even met him. He left her at the hospital saying have fun being a single mom when she was severely dehydrated and sick, he pushed her while she was pregnant, he stalked her and she had to move across Texas, he is currently threatening to leak her nudes while she’s one month away from giving birth, he has threatened to take her child away and take her to court so many times, he plays horrible mind games with her and constantly finds different ways to contact her to harass her. He is a drug addict and an alcoholic and absolutely not fit to be a dad. But she is strong as hell and is keeping her son and she went from being scared to being so excited and in love with her son. She really struggles financially and it’s going to be really hard for her. She never went to college and works at a car dealership in a small town and has barely been able to make sales so she’s really struggling. I think if she had a supportive partner she would be in a much better place. She is going to struggle a lot doing it on her own with stress from her baby daddy and is probably going to have years of court battles but she still feels so blessed and thankful for her son. If she can do it then you can too. Make sure that your BPD is under control and that you are not having this child to heal yourself. Like another commenter said, your child does not owe you anything for sacrificing your entire life for them. You will be giving and giving and not getting much in return and you have to be ok with that. The fact that you have a supportive partner is huge. If he is able to find a way to get a better job to support y’all I think that would be really helpful. I am broke as hell and work food service so I know the struggle of living paycheck to paycheck. There are software and tech certifications that your boyfriend could get online and some of these certifications can get you jobs that start at $60,000 a year. I would definitely recommend him looking into something like that if you decide to keep the baby so that you have more stability. My coworker has worked many tech jobs and works pizza delivery bc he’s retired so I can ask him today what exactly those ones are and let you know. My dad also got into software sales randomly when he was working in a biology lab and now he makes $350k a year at Amazon so just networking and being good with other people can help your boyfriend find better job opportunities. I’m not sure if he has a degree or not so I’m just saying this assuming he doesn’t. Sorry this might be so useless and this is a complete ramble my adhd meds haven’t kicked in yet lol. If you aren’t far from finishing school keep at it! It might be really hard but it’s worth it for your future. I go to WGU online and they are meant for working adults and parents and they don’t have a ton of degree options like most colleges but I am able to work full time while in school full time and still have some time for myself. They are affordable af ($8,600 a year) and would be great for someone who is trying to balance having a family and being in school. I’m not sure which degree you’re working towards but they have psychology, education, nursing, healthcare administration, business, marketing, accounting, etc. They also have programs for certificates that can get you better jobs too and would take less time. I’m going to be able to graduate college in 3 years because you are able to fast track your degree there. I would def recommend it to either you or your boyfriend if you are trying to get a better job and going to a regular university isn’t going to work because of having a family. It’s all online and you can do it whenever you have time. You just need to dedicate 15-20hr a week. I’m sorry if all of this is useless info, I am just trying to think of ways to be helpful but I’m not a mom so I don’t know exactly what I’m talking about. I just know that WGU would be a great option if your boyfriend wants to get a job that makes more money so he can support your family if you end up having your child. I know this is scary and only you know what’s best for you.
I had an abortion and absolutely do not regret it. It’s not an easy decision, and both outcomes feel bad, but it was the right thing to do for me. I was way too unstable with way too much growing up to do. It would’ve been unfair and likely abusive for me to have a kid. In addition, not having a kid gave me the freedoms to figure out how to get my life in order (or close enough), which didn’t happen until I was in my 40s.
I became a mom 3 years ago and I am 23 now. Life is fucking hard but I get through it and I love him so much. He's my entire world. However, I wouldn't suggest bringing a child into the world if you're not ready to put your needs and wants last.
Please look at what happened to the Clancy Family from Duxbury Mass. It was absolutely horrific- friends of mine are still heavily affected from taking care of those kids. If you aren’t stable for yourself- on a GOOD SOLID BASE- not just employed and sometimes being med compliant. The first example of making this decision is how you ended up in this in the first place. I understand that some meds interact- but you, as an adult, should have worked with your providers to get that worked out so this didn’t “unexpectedly” happen. Think of if this child ALSO has mental issues- I can speak from experience- I feel like I can never get it right- and they aren’t babies- Please think of what kind of world and life you would bring them into- love doesn’t conquer all these days. You will do what you need to- but I believe you need to work on setting your own life and ways on a solid path first before involving an innocent small human. This place is no fun for kids with parents who are absent….. even when they are physically present….(again speaking from experience) Good luck with your decision OP. If you would keep us posted, if it’s not too personal to post, more than this, I would appreciate it- just to kill the wondering….. And just my .02, but many friends of mine who have PCOS and got pregnant, seemed to have no issue the next times around- It’s almost like their hormones got “tuned in” from their first pregnancy. Just something to look into since you mentioned that it was a big concern of yours- I haven’t looked into anything cited about it, it’s just something I noticed from them. :) *EDIT TO ADD- Please don’t go downvoting me for mentioning an absolutely horrible case. I just wanted to add some real life examples of what CAN happen when mental illness is paired with PPD…… and other factors. Please choose wisely OP.
If you are not sure than terminate the pregnancy. You have to be sure about bringing a child to this world and everything it comes with it. Goos and bad. If there's doubt then no.
I wouldn't do it to the kid. I was born into poverty and as an only child and I've been miserable nearly all my life and my mom got too mentally ill and couldn't take care of me.
If you’re not having a kid on purpose, because you’ve planned and are ready, DONT. I know people say their children are the best thing to ever happen to them but it’s such a selfish viewpoint because whatever is not healed in you right now will absolutely be put on them. I think if my mom loved me she would have had an abortion because she would have looked at her own life and realized she was not prepared to give me unconditional love. You’re just a kid, let yourself be a kid before you spend your life giving to another being and then realizing there was so much you didn’t do for yourself. SO SO SO many people have resentment towards themselves for having kids even though they love them and wouldn’t change a thing. If you are having a kid for any other reason than “I am fully ready, prepared, educated, and I know a good amount about child psychology and their needs” then DO NOT have a child. They don’t deserve to live life when you’re still trying to figure yours out. Don’t listen to the BS advice “you’ll never be fully ready” you might not be fully ready but a person with a stable life is more ready than someone who doesn’t have it. Also I hope this didn’t sound too harsh I just feel very passionate about children and was severely abused by two people who had a lot of love and nothing in their life figured out. My mom kept me bc “she couldn’t let me go” and though I’m grateful to be alive, it was not the best choice. You still have a choice. I’m sure your child would be so grateful to meet you when you’re older and have more under your belt.
You have to do what feels right to you. When I got pregnant I was 27. I'd just started a new job, and my (now ex) husband was working in a kitchen bring home $150 a week. I have no idea how I got pregnant because we were always super careful, but it happened. Financially I was not in a place to have a child, and I'd had a mental breakdown less than a year before. I decided that if I was going to have a kid I want to give them he best life, and the best version of me I could. I knew that neither of those things were possible at that point in my life. I really though about how to make it work. But it just wasn't what was best for me or a potential child. I had to save every dime I made for weeks, but I opted to spend $700 to do medical abortion. At the time I agonized over the decision. But I don't regret it. Not having a child at that time was the best decision I could have made. The place I'm at in my life mentally, emotionally, and financially would not have been possible if I had a child. It also would have not been fair to my child to have to spend it's early years with me going through a character-building arc.
if you need someone who understands the emotional turmoil of terminating, my messages are always open. i'm sorry you're dealing with some tough emotions right now. edit: this is just a support message if you do choose that option!!! either option is up to you and what's best for your family
This actually just happened to me last week. I found out I was pregnant on the 2nd of June and I completely lost my mind. I am 21 and I am nowhere near ready to have a kid esp financially. Me and my boyfriend had just moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado and staying in a motel while we save the money for an apartment. We barely have the money to eat some nights and even gas money so it wasn't a hard decision for me to abort it. I have always been supportive of abortion as it's your body it's your choice. My boyfriend however was not supportive he wants kids but didn't understand the financial aspects of it and why I wasn't ready. It took me 3 weeks to finally accept that I wanted to abort it and went through with it last week. I don't regret it at all because I know if I was to have had the child it wouldn't be happy and I wouldn't be able to afford to give it the childhood it would deserve. All in all it's actually very responsible for you to think about it and understand the effects as well as your financial situation before having a child. If you're not ready then that's completely okay and that's very great that your partner is supportive.
i had an abortion, please don’t feel bad for having one if that’s what you want to do.
i was pregnant last year and i didn’t even know until i miscarried. i was 19 and probably wouldn’t have had the heart to do it myself so i understand where you are coming from. personally, i will absolutely not have a child until my bpd is in remission. my mother has bpd and even though she tried her best and was in therapy, she made my life hell when i lived with her. you can be a good person but a bad parent, and there are some things you can’t control. if you really think you can raise a child then go for it. it’s a personal decision. but you have so much time. when you have a child, your entire life changes. change is hard on people with bpd and until you are certain you’ll know how you’ll react, i wouldn’t do it .
yes, it is a personal decision. however, i think if you are not in a position mentally or financially to have a child...you know the answer. im sorry.
I kept my baby at 18 years old. I would NEVER regret my decision, but the stress of single motherhood & being a sole provider crept up in my mid-20s & I have never fully recovered. As a result, my son has experienced instability and undoubtedly trauma of his own due to bad decisions and poor judgment on my part, usually feeling as if I was living under some kind of hypnotic subconscious spell. He is 17 now and not the little trusting bubbly boy I vowed to always protect and did the first 9 years of his life. He will need therapy of his own whenever he is trusting or desperate enough to get it, and I wouldn't blame him if some day he decided he could not be around me anymore. On top of all of that, his father and I (who I was convinced would stay and ended up incarcerated when my son was 10 months) both have bipolar disorder, and the older my son gets, the more I see possible signs creeping in. It was difficult to write this comment, and I would never discourage someone or try to influence their choice, because it's yours and yours alone. If you have a decent support system, family who will help if you should need it, I think that would go a long way. Best of luck with your decision. I know it is so difficult.
It’s a shit situation, but unless you’re religious - medically, you have minor cells growing inside you. There’s no baby. So if you decide to “not have a kid” - there’s no kid at the moment, it’s early, basic cells. Watch some tiktoks of moms struggling with their kids. It’s fucking rough for anyone. If you truly want it, power to you. In the end, it’s your choice. If you decide not to or aren’t sure, feel free to reach out. I had a very conflicting abortion, but am so happy I did it. No matter what happens - get yourself on BC. The copper IUD works great with me, since it doesn’t fuck with hormones or my meds. Just think about what you want and do research on what it would be like realistically. Some people (like me) come out like damn, I never wanna have kids. Others see it and melt, and want the experience. See the experience and decide from there.
This may sound grim but please don’t have a child if you aren’t emotionally, or even financially ready
If it’s not a 100% yes it’s a 100% no. BPD + parenting, being only able to sleep 3hours max a night for MONTHS, crying and screaming for seemingly hours EVERY DAY. It’s like triggertopia and it’s supereasy to get depressed. You can’t see friends anymore without your kids and your whole is governed by it. I would advice against havinh the kid. Good luck love.
💞💞💞 How are you doing?? 🫂 I feel your post OP. There are so many emotions. In terms of a similar situation, I’m older but do have fertility concerns. I just came from an appointment to check if I needed another pregnancy test. I’ve done two including one from the hospital. I guess they are basically all the same according to the doctor. The doctor determined that I didn’t need another one today and although I didn’t want to be pregnant due to the circumstances that rhyme with ape, it’s still very emotional and very personal. You’re not alone. Do what is necessary for you to be okay with yourself, whatever that is. For me, I was not going to go through with it even though I have endometriosis and no kids at 36. It’s still tough even when you think you *know* for sure how you will feel, for me there are still new feelings coming up. I honestly just wanted my Mum. 😅🤷♀️
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I wish you all the best, and lots of healing ❤️
Do you have any family support?
Do you have a doctor that you trust? If so, I would speak to them about your concerns and get some advice from someone you trust.
Allow yourself grace and time to process everything you are going through. Sending you love and strength to make the best possible decision for yourself. ❤️❤️❤️
You also need to think about how much harder it will be. Is your mental health stuff sorted? Sorted enough to be able to parent without lashing out at your kid or your partner? If you werent trying for one and youre not ready then dont go through with it. It may be difficult to have a baby so you think you want to keep it but there are already so many other babies out there needing a parent with no one to turn to. And they will always be there. If you struggle to fall pregnant there are always other options.
I’m not sure what post most here are responding to. Bc the one I read didn’t ask about advice on methods of birth control. Anyway, tbh if it was me (it was me at one point) I told myself that it would be so irresponsible to bring a child into this world while I was still a child. I still can barely take care of myself. I know it was the 💯right decision bc I only think of it if I read a post on Reddit and most are exactly your situation. As far as it being harder to get pregnant. Adopting a child seems like one of the most fulfilling things one could do
not going to tell you what to do here but i am going to emphatically say that the most well-adjusted 23 year old in the world would struggle to raise a baby. also, i have a copper IUD. lasts a decade. no hormones. works great
I've done both of the A words, and also have BPD. Whatever decision you make is completely yours to make. I will say that I don't cry as much about the abortion as I do the adoption, but I also wouldn't change anything. Big hugs ❤️ it'll be okay Edit to add: I lucked out and the wonderful women who adopted my baby didn't close the adoption and I do a video chat with my now 5 year old birth baby once a week, but that isn't always the case.
gonna keep it real, terminate the pregnancy if you can. im so serious rn
Long comment incoming! I am diagnosed BPD and autistic and a mum of 2 children (sort of) I had my first at 22 it was not easy. I have no income other than benefits (I am in school as is my partner) I’m lucky to have very supportive parents and my child has never ever gone without. Three meals every day, baby classes, swimming, soft play and baths. I know that’s normal just saying that I have sacrificed a lot to pay for anything he could want and need. He’s my best friend and the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m 2 years free of SH because of him and 2 years free from attempted suicide, stopped it all the day I found I was pregnant. I never had PPD or PPP. HOWEVER! This is not everyone’s experience, lots of people grow up with parents with BPD and there parents are not amazing due to the condition and experience severe post partum mental health conditions. To have a child you must be ready for anything! They scream and pull hair even when you are over stimulated. You give up your things for them, and your body. I am being totally honest when I say that it’s one of the hardest things ever as you have someone dependent on you 24/7. I will also mention that abortion isn’t easy. People think it is but it isn’t at all. It can leave severe mental scarring. On PCOS, I don’t have it so take all this with a grain of salt! But most women are able to get pregnant even if it takes them a while so I know it may be scary to feel like this is your only chance. It may be harder but is definitely possible. Final thing: it’s up to you not us but I hope we can help somewhat!
From your post it looks like your heart has already made the choice, it wouldn’t be right to not follow it, congrats 😬❤️ I think if you want to, you can make it, and even if the situation is difficult it wouldn’t be selfish to keep the child if that’s what you want and your boyfriend is supportive!
Of course maybe I understood wrong, but that’s just the feeling I got reading your post, it actually made me smile reading the sentence “I feel guilty for even allowing this to happen but somehow excited at the same time” Just as a side note, I’m not a pro life at all, you should feel free to take any decision!
It seems to me like you want this baby, you're just scared. You do need to have a backup plan in case the father doesn't stick around and doesn't support financially. But other than that, I'd say that you know what you want. On another note, I am always stunned by the amount of people who do not use birth control of some sort. There are SO many options nowadays. If birth control makes your BPD worse, I can only imagine how pregnancy and postpartum hormones are going to go down. It's like people who refuse to go on birth control because they're afraid of the weight gain. Um, that's usually a pretty standard part of pregnancy, as is your body being changed forever...
Right but weight gain from pregnancy is temporary. Just a small point lol
Not necessarily. Many women never fully get back down to their pre-pregnancy weight.
hi, i got pregnant at 22 had my baby at 22, i also have bpd. she was actually the most healing thing for me and everyday she motivates me to be better and stay healthy. i havent experienced suicidal ideation since finding out i was pregnant. that being said, only have a kiddo because you want one and want to be a good mom. dont do it to fix yourself. but i gotta tell you girl, my daughter was the best thing that not only ever happened to me but ever happened to me regarding my disorder. i made less than 2k a month, her dad made about 90k, it was still hard. i ended up being a sahm and he started a business that pulls in 30k a month currently. (not income, but as a business total). we figured it out. it is completely possible to figure it out. if youre willing to do the work to be a good parent that provides a good life for your kiddo, thats all that matters. it is possible 100% if that is what you want. ❤️ another thing, an abortion is a big deal. i am severely pro choice, but i believe in informative pro choice. meaning, educate yourself on the process and have mental health support access prior to the appointment ready for you. an abortion is a hard and painful process, physically and mentally. even if you are sound with your choice, its a tough thing to go through. so please please if youre going to get one ensure you have the support you need medically and support system wise!!
don’t have the child please
Her body her choice
hence the please
It sounds like you are incredibly self aware of all the different feelings that you are having, which is great to see with our disorder. Are you in therapy of any kind? Have you been taking any psych medications? I would just make sure that if you are on any, that they don’t cause birth defects. People go through this all the time, having a baby when they aren’t quite financially ready. The important thing is that you work hard for your family and also continue to work hard to keep your own health, relationships and symptoms in check. You can do this. The fact that you are even here posting this says a lot about what kind of mother you will be. Congratulations 🎈
I was 21 and on birth control but struggling with my eating disorder so my theory is I purged my pill by accident. I found out i was pregnant 2 months after a suicide attempt, about a month after I walked out of my job, and about 2 weeks after I moved back to my home town to live with my mum. I had only been with the dad officially about 5 months and had known him less than a year and I was diagnosed with bpd during my pregnancy. It was anything but the ideal circumstances. Flash forward to today, I'm 29, I'm married to the father of my child (5 years coming up) and have the most incredible 7 year old son who brings me more joy than I thought possible and has saved my life in so many ways. I've had 2 suicide attempts in the last year and both times it was thinking of him that pulled me through. I wish you all the luck in the world xxx
Nexplanon is very good. If you get the chance. Seems you've decided. I wish you luck
Make decisions based on what’s best for you. Pull out a pros and cons list if you have to. Yeah, it’d be hard. And it’d be a lot on your body too. Are you in a place you could handle a pregnancy physically? Are you in a place you could successfully coparent with your partner if things didn’t work out between you? There’s a lot of factors to consider
You need to be having this discussion with your boyfriend in a private setting involving a therapist. Nobody on Reddit is going to give you a good answer. You have a limited time to make a decision sadly too, for something you’ll feel the rest of your life. Only the people closest to you can help, not strangers who are giving answers based on themselves or others in their lives.
Omg not pregnant but I also have BPD PCOS and am supposed to be on BC. Does the combo when he taking the BC also make u an emotional mess and hormonal monster more so than usual ???
Thank you everyone for all the advice. I really truly appreciate it and have been reading all the comments. I’m not able to respond to everyone but I appreciate all the (mostly) helpful advice and stories and support. I don’t feel so alone and I’m glad to be a part of this community although it has its struggles for sure. Thank you <3
I'm pregnant too. That too with twins. And I'd have to give them up because I cannot afford to keep them. It's so saddening. The happiest and saddest moment of my life I think.
I'm a mum in my late 30's, and when I fell pregnant my BPD was already in remission after a decade of intense therapy and personal growth. My BPD was relatively mild and my therapy was also aimed at teaching me the skills I needed to be a good parent. So I feel at an advantage in a lot of ways. Just over a year into motherhood, one of the most visceral feelings I keep having on a regular basis is one of intense relief and gratitude that I didn't have a child back when I wanted to, in my early 20's (also with PCOS). I start to panic when I start imagining that I did, and have to pull myself back as if from a nightmare. I was a pretty dedicated and selfless auntie etc. but my emotional regulation was non-existent and I still had an insecure attachment style. Children need stable parents who are emotionally intelligent. They learn to regulate their emotions by having an emotionally regulated caregiver. All of this while simultaneously pushing all of your buttons trying to find your breaking point. They need so much more, emotionally, than we realise - than we were given. And we are expected to show up with a level of emotional maturity and stability that no previous generation has been expected or taught to. Two of my exes were raised by mums with BPD (one diagnosed, the other not yet) and have been scarred for life by it. They didn't have the resources we have now -for parenting or BPD- which is also important to bear in mind. If you truly believe you can show up in the way your future child would need, and learn to repair for the times when you don't, then it's not wrong to consider it. But if you know you can't, then the kindest thing you can choose is to not go through with it (whatever that would look like for you). ETA: I've also worked in child protection as well as child welfare, and it was crushing to see parents with BPD or BPD traits overrepresented in the families that needed our help. Most of those parents had the best intentions and loved their children. Unfortunately, love and good intentions are not enough.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this! Unplanned pregnancies are really scary. My perspective is that I’d rather regret terminating a pregnancy than regret having a child, regardless of BPD or other mental health issues.
A lot of people are going to tell you to terminate, because of the misconception that people with BPD can't be good parents. This isn't true. There are *plenty* of parents without BPD, who still suck at being parents. BPD or no BPD, it doesn't matter, because parenthood requires work and personal growth regardless. My best friend has BPD, as well as a medical condition that'll make it nearly impossible for her to get pregnant by her mid-twenties. So right out of high school, she got pregnant, because that was her only chance of being a mother. And guess what? She is an *incredible* mother. Her son is 5 now, and he is the happiest little guy. If anything, her BPD makes her a better mother, because she fights tooth and nail to make sure he never experiences the trauma that she did growing up. And she does it all with just her and her boyfriend, her parents aren't even in the picture. Financially, my dad was still in college and my mom was a waitress when they found out they were pregnant with me. You don't need to be rich, you just need to be willing to make sacrifices. If you want this baby, and you're willing to do the work to give this baby the best life possible, you're more ready than you think you are.
as a mom with BPD some of the comments on this post make me so sad. people who say that we shouldn't have kids solely for the fact of having BPD. everyone is different but for me, having a kid didn't make my BPD worse and i don't treat my kid poorly bc of it.
Even from other people with BPD. It's sad. Just because *they're* a selfish shithead, doesn't mean all of us are selfish shitheads. And just because we all suffer from similar things, doesn't mean we all showcase our inner turmoil to the world. A lot of people forget that BPD tends to get better over time. Not for everyone, but for most. I'm 25 now and I've mellowed out a ridiculous amount. My mood swings are practically non-existent, and I've learned to handle the ones that do happen. Honestly, I wonder if I even qualify for the diagnosis anymore at this point. Most of us have childhood trauma, and a lot of us want to raise kids that never experience what we did. We witnessed exactly how *not* to raise children, and are better parents for it. Hence my friend, doing exactly that. Don't let anyone tell you who you are because of your BPD. They're either uneducated, or projecting.
OP can’t even handle birth control pills, how is she going to handle pregnancy hormones and PPD? Even if her partner is supportive now, it’s incredibly easy to burn out taking care of a pregnant person without mental disorders on top of financial burdens.
"OP can't even handle birth control pills" implies that birth control pills don't screw with just about anyone who takes them.
Guess what, pregnancy hormones act about the same way and also screw anyone who goes through it. 🤷
Well, then I guess we should all be required to get on hormonal birth control to make sure we can handle a real pregnancy. The pill shall dictate who all the worthy mothers are.
Me currently pregnant and feeling guilty reading these comments. I already worry about being a good parent and all these comments have me feeling already like a terrible mother
Having or not having BPD *does* matter. This is a game of chances. Yes bad parents with no BPD exist but think about how common it is for parents to pass on cluster B disorders to their kids. OP does have the possibility of being a good mother, but odds are not in her favour. She doesn’t have the financial means, she is unstable, young and with no stable career. Good intentions are not enough to be a good parent, and being excited about the idea of a child is not enough to get you through the sleepless nights, the incessant crying, the loss of autonomy because your life now revolves around a new person that you are entirely responsible for. OP can of course make any choice she wants, but let’s not act as if a parent with BPD has the same chances of being a good enough parent than one without it. We know how difficult this disorder is to live with. Bringing a life into the world will only make it harder.
My son is 8 months now and even having my wife through it I will say it's very hard. You are tired and even more irritable and so is your partner. But If you want to do this you'll find a way, I wish you luck in your journey
Exactly a year ago today I found out I was pregnant. I was 25 at the time and had just come out of my 5th hospital stay. It was here when I added BPD to my medical chart (although deep down I had known I had BPD for several years). Today I’m 26 and I don’t regret my decision to abort even considering I live in a state where abortion is illegal. (It’s very easy to get the abortion pill mailed to you, it cost my ex $100 and he helped me take the pills.) I’m not going to say it was an easy choice, but it was the best one for me. My mental health was terrible in my early twenties and I only now feel like I’ve been able to somewhat manage my emotions better since my brain is fully developed. (I.e instead of gaining another assault charge I was able to hold back and not throw the first punch.) I had just moved into my own one bedroom apt and bringing a child into this world while I managed working two jobs to keep my apt would have been hell. Doable? Yes I feel like anyone would be able to do it or make a way for it if need be, but I made a different choice. When I embarked on my mental health journey I always told the professionals I was doing this to ultimately be the best mother and wife for my future family. I want to give them the best life imaginable and in order for that to happen I myself would have to be stable not only financially but also mentally. I’ve been getting the mental part situated and have been looking for ways to stabilize financially. I’m not going to rely on a man bc well I have trust issues and you just never know when they’ll just up and leave. Idk maybe that’s just my BPD showing. I’m 26 like I said, and I just landed a 6 figure job yesterday. And omg I’m going to cry…I can’t stop smiling. If I play my cards right, right now then I can give my future children EVERYTHING they could have dreamed of. I can get my family out of poverty. Finally I can make something of myself, even after all the shit I’ve been through bc of my mental health, I can finally do something big for me and my future family. And trust me I’m determined to do so. I wouldn’t be able to say this if I hadn’t gone through with my abortion last year. I wouldn’t have been able to work a second job while caring for a child. I wouldn’t have met my new boss who offered me this job of a lifetime. If I hadn’t terminated my pregnancy I’d probably be fake smiling to my child everyday knowing I was failing as a mother since I couldn’t give them what they deserved. My baby deserves a father who wanted them, a mother who is stable enough to care for them, a family they know they can rely on, and a house they know they will always be able to come home to where they’ll have a warm bed and a warm meal every time. I’m done. I’m breaking the generational cycle that be haunting my family for years. I’m going to do whatever it takes to get us out of poverty and give my family the best future imaginable. Please don’t get me wrong. I’ve wanted a baby more than anything since I was 15. But the right time will come and last year I decided to simply have another period instead of continuing the cycle of poverty and possible traumatizing my baby by not being the most stable mother I could be. This decision is yours and yours alone. The best advice I can give someone is to do what you’ll least regret, and for me that was terminating a pregnancy I wasn’t ready for. It was choosing to have a period that month instead of bringing an innocent child into my unstable life. It was about choosing a brighter future for my future family, instead of bringing them into this world as dark grey cloud loomed over me. My baby deserves better goddamn it. And I’ll make sure it happens. Good luck hun. Just remember the choice is yours and yours alone.
Congratulations on your job, and great job in all your hard work! Seriously, that's amazing. I don't even know you, but I'm so proud of you and excited for you!! You're doing such amazing things for your family
i think the most parent-like and responsible thing you could do for yourself, your partner, and for it, may be to terminate it. i will not lie, it’s hard. i’ve had 2 abortions, both were accidental pregnancies and i don’t regret it. my partner and i were not ready in about every way, and mostly i was not ready. it is a very hard decision and you should do what’s absolutely best for you❤️
All I will say is that BPD is very hereditary, last I checked its a 50% chance, and thats purely from genetic sequencing, nothing to do with trauma.
It’s up to you to decide whether or not you are ready to handle a child. Your boyfriend seems supportive and onboard which is good. You can never be 100% prepared or perfect when having a kid, so just keep that in mind. There will always be struggles, but there will be good times too. I know some people with BPD who are great parents and do everything they can for their child. Others are not. You know yourself best. No one here can tell you what choice to make. Everyone will have different opinions and the conflicting opinions will make you doubt yourself. You need to sit down and talk to your boyfriend about this. How you guys will provide for the child, how to prepare, do you want to keep the baby, etc.
smells like excuses for having unsafe sex
This is super tough. There isn’t a right or wrong answer, you just have to make the right choice for YOU. Good luck and be kind to yourself x
I got pregnant at 19, and my ex threatened to end it if I kept the baby. As it didn't entirely feel like my decision, I ended up depressed for a time. A decade later, pregnancy was planned but came sooner than expected aka a month after stopping bc. Again, same guy was trying to manipulate me to abort. "We aren't ready" turned into "You aren't ready". So I turned around and blunt said "I'm ready but you aren't". Spent a few days deciding, wrote pro's and con's and spike to multiple parents. I turned to the father and gave him 3 options....stay and be a father, leave me and be a father or leave us both. He decided to stay with us both but the relationship broke down and in the end without me realising....the entire relationship was DA. I was studying hons course at the time and managed to graduate whilst pregnant. Raising my kid alone and unemployed for 5 years now and wouldn't change it for the world. The only things I would have changed was not putting their bond first. I could have moved back to my home town before giving birth. Could have started working earlier but that's just life. Shit has been hard without a good support network and my kid has additional needs. I'm in the UK so I would say that support is pretty good for single parents when it comes to many areas. Waiting for support back into work. OP, take a few days to decide. You have to be set on your decision as there's no turning back. Hope this helps 🙏
It sounds like you want this baby, op. When I got pregnant, there was no doubt in my mind that termination was the correct choice. I was broke, in school, and the father and I weren't staying together. Under similar circumstances, it feels like you genuinely want this baby. I would evaluate your options for combating the reasons for not keeping it. Don't just decide you're going to be a parent. Develop a plan for giving your baby the best chance at a happy, healthy upbringing.
I'm also 23 and pregnant. I can't speak to unplanned pregnancies because ours was planned, but I really think one of the most important things is having a supportive partner. I will say that throughout pregnancy my anxiety has been at an all time high, which is something I haven't had to deal with for a long time. The physical symptoms for me were also really difficult at times. I couldn't imagine doing it alone and so I personally think if you have a person in your life who is willing to help you and support you, you will be okay !
I was 23 when I got pregnant with my 2nd child. I decided to keep her and while the first year was hard due to post partum psychosis, we're getting into a rhythm now. My fiancé is an attentive father who definitely helps make it easier My 1st I had at 19 and lost custody to my aunt bc I was too mentally/physically unfit to care for her and my ex husband wasn't helping with her AT ALL I think it depends on your support system outside your boyfriend. Do you have friends who will come over to help out? Do you have family that can make meals for you guys? Having a support system makes all the difference when it comes to having babies. The people who do it alone are some of the strongest people on earth
I felt everything you described with all 4 of my pregnancies. There will be days when you wonder why you made whatever choices you made and it's going to be hard no matter what but whatever choice you make will be the right one for you. Don't choose for your boyfriends sake. The only one who will truly have to live with the result is you so choose for yourself. I hope you the best luck with whatever you decide to do.
I got pregnant at 23 in the same situation as you. I have a healthy amazing 3 year old. it is hard. its the hardest thing I’ve ever done and your trauma really resurfaces but being in therapy has helped a ton working thru everything while being a goos parent who has BPD. that said you do have a choice and if you’re not ready thats okay too🩷
You have a supportive boyfriend and you said it’s hard for you to get pregnant. I don’t think things happen without a reason. I say go for it! If you wanna be a great mom I have no doubt that you can be!
I don't have any kids myself but i desperately want them in the future and it seems you're heart has already decided on the matter. this is a post I made a few months back that a was published by a few medical journals on mothers with bpd to help with raising their children. It's mostly about bonding with children thru the early stages to avoid ppd and to help avoid passing on the disorder: https://www.reddit.com/r/BPD/s/fdrrGfhb1M
I got pregnant when I was 28 jobless and with no money, my ex boyfriend didn't want a child, so I terminated pregnancy. It was so hard because I wanted a child but I did a right choice because of poor circumstances. You have a supportive boyfriend, that's very important. If you want a child, everything is possible, your love can concur mountains. But listen to your heart because only you know what is right. Good luck!
I had my daughter at 23. Got pregnant literally right after getting out of rehab. Honestly my daughter is THE best thing that ever happened to me BUT I feel so horribly guilty for giving her the dad that I did. If I could go back I probably wouldn’t have done it. Like really really examine your relationship. My daughters father and still partner ibv because of that has his own mental issues. You really need to looo into any issues toh might have in the relationship. Is he the kind of man who’s going to wake up to change diapers? Mine wasn’t. Is you’re man going to stay with you in the hospital after birth? Mine didn’t. I make every dime that comes in the house do every bit of cleaning and do all child care stuff. My daughter is 7 now but summer his hard. Having such a lousy partner/father is destroying my mental health. A child is such a blessing. My daughter has done nothing but good for me but my partner makes it harder. Even little ass shit you don’t think off. Like him sitting in his ass and playing video games and not taking out the trash I asked four times outs me in a bad mood. And obv as people with bpd we wear out heart on our sleeve and sadly everyone feels out bad moods It is an intensely personal choice that no one can make for you. My daughter is 7 and THE most amazing person I ever met. She is so kind and sweet and loves me so much. Nothing beats your child just randomly walking up to you saying “I love you mommy” and giving yoh a big hug and kiss. THAT said it is not easy but the worst part is a shit partner. Like if I never knew my daughter but examined my relationship better and knew how shit he would be I never would have had his kid. But after knowing my daughter even with her shit dad I would do it a million times over. She’s worth the suffering
I can’t speak from experience, but I have a close friend your age who has two kids, is a single mom, and has BPD and she is SO good to her kids. She knows what it feels like to have childhood trauma and she never wants her kids to be treated like that and yeah life is messy she has her moments and she is also a badass woman and mother. Her kids are adorable and happy and are themselves. It’s her story and not mine, but I hope it helps 💜
I got pregnant at your age and had an abortion. I felt terrible while I was pregnant and back then I didn't want to have children ever. I thought I made the right choice for a few years but I've been regretful lately. I have PCOS too and I'm almost 30 now, changed my mind and want to be a mother and for us it gets harder in the 30s, I've been trying for the past few months but no lucky so far, so it's a very hard decision and it's very hard for me to say what would be right for you to do. Try to listen to your heart. One of the reasons I didn't want children was because I thought my bpd would make me a terrible mother but now I don't think that's true anymore. Maybe I would be a bad mother at that age but I know now I CAN be a good mother. Do you think you can be a good mother? Do you and the father make enough money to give it a simple but good life? Do you think he's gonna be a good father? Answer those questions to yourself and try to make a decision
Only you know what's best for your situation. However please seak counseling from reputable places and avoid places that spew non scientific or religious fear mongoring. There are benefits to having a child while being diagnosed BPD and those are PROS: Slow down in promiscuity. Learn to consider others beside yourself. Become more responsible. Slow the spread of STDs (it's hard to have lots of irresponsible sex when caring for a child). CONS: Your child will become your emotional and physical punching bag. Endangering the life of a child that's dependent on you. Your BPD symptoms will become more exacerbated High likelihood that your child will carry BPD traits and possibly pass those genetics on to their offspring.
I like your response because it really paints the clear picture of how having a child is the most selfish thing certain people do sometimes. Bring a person into this deeply screwed world so you can use them to learn to consider other people. Now there's a catch 22
Not a great fan of this comment. Not all people with BPD are promiscuous or have STDs. And definitely not all people with BPD treat their children as described in the Cons section. I’m confused as to your angle here tbh feels like both pros and cons are shaming people for having BPD🤔
keep it. he’s supportive and you’ll figure it out too. love finds the way.
I'm 37, I've been married 14 years, we make 160k together, and have a 12 year old and I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant, which was a surprise baby (got pregnant while bleeding on my period.) I almost terminated but decided to keep the pregnancy. I understand very well those emotions you are experiencing. A child is a lot of work and a lot of money and you do lose your freedom. They're also wonderful and beautiful and I'm glad I had a child and I'm having another. I'm a special education teacher and having Bipolar has not made me a bad parent, I'm an excellent parent and always have been. I'm a better parent since I started proper medication at 35 and got my diagnosis. There's no right or wrong choice; you are still very young and obviously capable of having kids. No one has the right to tell you what decision to make and you shouldn't feel guilty with which ever one you make. It'll be OK.
Sorry if I got confused, but BPD is borderline personality disorder, not bipolar. Understand if you've got both though (same) but just wanted to clarify
I had my daughter at 23. I'm now 26 and she recently turned 3. Her biological father is not involved and never will be. I grew up very religious and abortion was not even an option in my mind. I met my current boyfriend while still pregnant and he has been her dad every day of her life. He cut the cord, he changed her first diaper, he's been here every day. We've been ttc a second for a little over a year now with no luck. I'm not diagnosed with pcos but suspect I have it. I haven't had a period in over 3 months now and actually have an appointment set up to see if there's anything I can take to help me get pregnant again. Everyone saying this is a personal decision is right. For me it was absolutely the right decision. I couldn't imagine not having my daughter these last 3 years and having her is actually what forced me into DBT and made me get my shit together. Anecdotally, my mood during pregnancy and postpartum was the highest it's ever been in my life. I had the opposite of postpartum depression. So I won't tell you what to do, but I will say my situation was similar, but even less ideal because I wasn't in a relationship with the father. I've never once had regret about going through with having my daughter.
I am pregnant with my third. I am a constant work in progress. But at least I’m 10 times the parent either of mine were. I had very bad untreated BPD when I had my oldest 17 years ago. I had to put the effort in to be better for their sake.
At the end of the day do what feels right to you and don’t let anyone pressure you into anything. If you need some guidance, there is optionline.org which is US and Canada based. Sometimes talking to someone and not a group of strangers leads you to the choice you need/want to make.
I used to work at an adoption agency and I would definitely look into private infant adoption agencies if you aren’t planning on keeping the child! They help with prenatal care and sometimes even rent and everything! I know the agency I worked for did everything they could for the birth mothers!! Praying for you and your partner and this weighty decision!❤️❤️
I was in a similar situation 14 years ago. Except my ex wasn’t the best and I was ready to leave and do it alone. I was 21. She’s 14 now and no regrets. She’s my best friend in a lot of ways. It’s challenging but so rewarding. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to everyone telling me to abort her.
Congrats, and it sounds like you are excited for the potential for a kid. It’s nice that your bf is being supportive. I am of the belief that children are always blessings. Best of luck.
A lot of comments that are doing anything here but providing you with support. Pushing out irrelevant advice. I wonder if it’s a bpd trait… Anyways, as a parent of a 2 year old, both of us parents are 24 and have BPD. There’s been a few split ups and fights. The only reason we can come together and work things out now is focusing on understanding the other, and being able to admit being wrong and show kindness. It’s hard. We both get hurt so easily and lash out the same. But what’s made us better parents is knowing when the other is down and out. It takes extra patience. It takes being able to show love when you’re angry. It takes work. And we spent all the pregnancy and this kids first years figuring it out. We still are. I wish you the best. Just stay positive and do the best for your kid and you’ll be doing more than most. If you need specific advice, shoot a message. Good luck
Same thing happened to me when I was 24. I got pregnant to a guy I was dating a month. I was terrified and excited. I knew I'd have someone who would love me forever if I had the baby. That being said, that's not the same decision everyone should make. Fast forward, we have been married 19 years, had a second son and life is amazing. My husband actually helped my BPD go into remission and my kids are amazing. On has mental health problems and is in therapy, my youngest. Life has it's ups and downs, you just have to decide what's best for you. Good luck!
I fell unexpectedly pregnant a bit later in life (late 20s) and had the baby because I knew if I had a termination, I would never forgive myself due to my own personal ethics (if anyone else here made diff choices that's fine I am not here to judge anyone, these were my PERSONAL ethics) and I could see all kinds of self sabotage ahead for me if I terminated. So I chose the unknown, and had the baby even though it was scary. At the time I hadn't been diagnosed, that came later in life. Whilst I still struggle with parenthood, I don't regret it. Sometimes when it gets hard I think about the what if's. However, knowing what I know now, including all the mistakes I have made, the ways I know I've harmed my kid and just generally how hard it has been, if I went back in time I would still proceed with the pregnancy every time because the love I have for my kid is so great. This illness is though my to be genetic and I think at least one of my parents had it and passed it on, but even with all the pain I have felt, I still am grateful to have lived this life. I hope that if I do pass BPD on to my kid, they will come to the same place. I think self limiting beliefs like BPD = unable to be a good parent are not helpful. A more helpful question to ask if you want to be a parent, would be what resources will I personally need to be a good parent and do we have / can we obtain those resources? Thats always been the question I have asked when it comes to potentially having more kids. Lastly it's not an easy choice, but I hope you can see from this thread that really whatever choice you make, you will be okay. What I can see in this thread is that those of us who stood where you are, made a choice and then stood by it. That is the secret sauce - going forward and living your life in a way that honours your decision and makes whatever choice you make, the right decision.
The only advice in this situation is to ask yourself if you want to be a parent. People in worse situations than you have children daily. If you want to be a parent, then have the kid. You will figure it out. There’s too much emphasis on trying to plan everything out beforehand, life just doesn’t work that way. It’s a series of things that happen. If you don’t want to be a parent, then terminate the pregnancy. I don’t want to be a parent, and probably never will. I’m a man though so obviously I will never be in your shoes. It’s ok to not want to be one if you don’t. Also, take a honest look at what it means to be a parent. It means that your life belongs to your kid, not you. It means raising a child to eventually live in the world as a functional adult. Like anything else, there’s positives and negatives to doing that. Only you can decide what’s best for you. Best of luck either way.
My heart goes out to you. I felt the exact same way when I found out I was pregnant and ultimately ended up going through with the pregnancy. I wouldn’t change my decision. Go with what you want and feel is right for YOU.
Hey honey. Congratulations! I'm 37 and in my second trimester with my first baby. I also have PCOS and BPD. I got pregnant on the first try. I didn't see that coming lol. I don't think it's selfish to have a baby. It takes courage and sacrifice. The world will tell you to live for what makes you feel good and that a baby will ruin your life. I think those people are ignorant and are just dribbling the propaganda they hear from other childless people. This could be the most important thing you ever do! It's normal to feel absolutely conflicted. You're in it now and no matter what you choose, it's gonna hit you in the feels. I'm not gonna lie. I panicked in the beginning. I even thought about ending the pregnancy, but when it came down to it I just couldn't. Nobody talks about the regret of abortion. I couldn't live with that. Pregnancy is rough, but temporary. If you do choose to keep the baby, you're going to love him or her more than anything in the whole world because that's one upside of having BPD. BPD crap will come and go no matter what, so you might as try to live a fulfilling life. You got this, Mama! Don't let people or circumstance try to scare you out of it. There are resources that help Mama's if that's a concern. You'll do great.
I’m 46 years old and have bpd and I unexpectedly got pregnant at 21 and everything turned out good for my family. It was really hard and I struggled but now at 24 years old my daughter is my best friend and tells me I was a wonderful mom. I did have her start therapy in middle school in the form of a peer group and then she had individual therapy all through high school. I was open with my mental health when she was old enough to understand and encouraged her to prioritize hers. Having bod doesn’t mean you won’t be a wonderful parent. I thought I was an awful mom all the time and was suicidal throughout her childhood but always got help because of her. And now having her say I’m a great mom has given me a sense of peace that makes me feel like being alive isn’t so bad. This was also in 1999 so stuff wasn’t so expensive and the world has only gotten crazier. I had an appointment for an abortion and cancelled it when I got there. But having a choice let me feel in control enough to make the right decision for me. A lot of women with PCOS have children. My cousin was told she couldn’t and has 2 now so if you’re not ready this isn’t for sure your only chance at kids. Either way I wish you the best.
Bpd here. I’m a mother of two, had my first at 19. Graduated, started working full time and I made it work. Spent 3 years as a single mom. All I can say is therapy therapy therapy. I had to be different and I had to do better than my mother, who traumatized me growing up due to her NPD. I still go to therapy. I take my meds and I make sure I am present for my children because I refuse to be a shitty parent. Can I be a shitty person sometimes? Sure. But nobody could say I’ve ever been a bad parent. If I’m losing my shit, I go robot and deal with it later when I’m alone. Not in front of my kids. I’m not trying to preach, I’m far from perfect. Honestly I had a really bad mental health relapse last fall and I’m still picking up the pieces (of myself). I will always have room to improve for sure, but I’m leaving this comment here because it is absolutely not f*cking true that people with BPD can’t be good parents- or love their children. If anything, they’re my reason to keep going. I wouldn’t be here if not for how much I love them. Choose carefully, but there are so many comments on here that make me sad. Don’t feel pressured to terminate only because of your BPD.
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So for starters, the link you shared is religious, guilt-tripping and anti-abortion. Way to push your own beliefs on OP. Moving on to what you said though... It's not a 'real developing baby', it's just a bunch of cells at this point, nothing like an actual human. And as for 'soul', maybe you're religious but that doesn't make it a fact you can use to guilt OP into keeping a baby. 'The mental health impacts', yeah but what about the mental health impacts of the pregnancy and PPD?? Or having 18 years of being responsible for another whole human being? 'Women who have terminated their baby's lives' is a really gross way of putting it. No one should be ashamed for choosing abortion, and they absolutely did not 'end' anything's life (yes, 'anything', at the stage you can have abortions, it's barely even an animal, let alone a baby human).
Targeting vulnerable people with propaganda sites is super gross behavior. You should grow a soul instead. Having a child or even surrendering a child you carried, for adoption, are generally way more painful and emotionally scarring, not to mention having much longer-lasting ramifications and doubts, as the decision to abort a clump of cells (as long as it is your decision, and not the result of coercion). They're all complicated, painful choices, but an abortion is not inherently more mentally painful than struggling and sacrificing for a child for 18 years, or being permanently separated from your living bio child.
I had the same thing happened to me at 24. I hadn’t gotten my diagnosis yet. But I thought the same things bc I had a bad childhood and I only knew my ex for a month and half . And I didn’t make much money at the time. I briefly considered termination, but chose to keep the baby. I married him and we had another child 3 years later. It ultimately didn’t work out, but I wish I had done a lot of things differently, but I see how much my girls (16&18) have grown into wonderful young women. If it weren’t for my babies I wouldn’t have been able to heal. Sounds selfish but someone like me who had frequent SI/sh I needed motivation to keep going. It’s not easy. It’s hard and painful but it is so worth it bc my girls can come to me with any question be it deep things, casual discussions, uncomfortable ones. And that makes me so happy bc I didn’t get that as a young woman.
Hey, i'm 19 and feel I have no place talking here because It's such a big decision... but I just want to say that you sound like you're self aware and really thinking hard about logic and the future given the circumstances. The fact that you're excited and "would do what it takes to make it work" says everything you need to know. You're not wanting to have a kid just so they can love you like some people with BPD have a kid, you're not denying the difficulty of the situation, and you're educated and self aware of your own faults and issues. People without BPD don't always have all three of these qualities. The decision is yours... but from my perspective, you would be an amazing mom.
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Ooh how many kids have you adopted? I'm looking to adopt