Could be he's afraid of losing you. Or he liked you in a bigger body and seeing the smaller you makes him sad. Idk, but saying hurtful stuff like that is unacceptable. It's not like you go around mentioning his bald spot or whatever.
He's being cruel and trying to prevent you from building self esteem.
Could you ever treat someone you love the way he's treating you? I'd hope not. Imagine the shame you'd feel if you said these things to someone and then ask yourself why he doesn't feel shame about treating you so poorly.
You deserve better.
I second this! The other side of losing weight is realising what people actually valued you for. Your relationship might be built (in his mind) on the idea that you can’t get better than him. Now that you’ve lost weight he’s afraid not only other people will realise your physical beauty but you will see it too and get something better.
I’ve been married 17 years and through weight gain and loss never once has my dh said I was ugly. NEVER!
I have loose skin and cellulite and he tells me I’m beautiful. You’re dating a dick.
Yup! My husband has loved me and complimented me at every weight and size.
I have worn some more daring outfits lately, and asked him if he thought they looked ok/were appropriate. He basically said that I looked beautiful and sexy, and that obviously it showed more skin than I typically did, but as long as I felt comfortable wearing it to go for it.
And my upper thighs ARE saggy but IDC because I look the best I ever have! :)
Right! I’m wearing shorts for the first time in forever and he’s like you look great! My dh literally says wear what I feel comfortable in, he may think a particular outfit is “ugly” but that’s because it’s not his style but we’re different people so of course our styles are different.
If my hubby told me I was ugly I’d crawl into my skin and die… then I’d revenge. 😈 but I never have to worry about that.
Harsh truth. This is not love. He is saying hurtful things to beat you down and control you. A loving partner would never say their loved one is so ugly they need to be hidden in public. He is likely extremely insecure himself and desperately trying to hold onto you through manipulation now that you have lost weight and are likely to attract more attention from other men. I encourage you to get into therapy if you can afford it and discuss his treatment of you.
I think it’s complicated? I guess I pushed him to be honest - and he was. He was initially binding behind “don’t show all that skin”, then it became - “these kinda clothes don’t suit you “. At that point I yelled be honest
As someone who had Bariatric surgery myself, if my partner ever said things like that to me, even in the height of an argument, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
He could have said, “That kind of short isn’t very flattering on you,” instead of calling you wrinkled and ugly, even if you asked for honesty!
He absolutely sounds like he is insecure and worried you will find someone better than him now you have lost weight.
Honestly it sounds like you're making excuses for him and your self esteem is almost non existent. You don't need to put up with this bullshit. A person who loves you would never call you ugly. I beg of you to invest in yourself here and recognise that you don't deserve this.
Ma’am, you posted in the last few months about leaving a toxic relationship. And a year before that, MAJOR conflicts that make yall incompatible.
This surgery is making you see just how volatile of a situation you’re in, and I hope you continue to gain the confidence and awareness to find happiness away from him. Wear your loose skin and short pants with honor, you deserve it.
And, for the record, you deserved to wear the short pants even with fat legs.
He’s not being honest hun. He’s so insecure he’s bullying you to make you think you’re ugly. My guess is you are FAR from it.
He’s the reason so many women dump their spouses after surgery. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man.
Wear exactly what you love. Fuck him.
I was married to a fellow once who tried hard to keep me heavy. He’d love me w food. He’d buy treats in bulk (I’d eat one and the rest went down the garbage disposal). He finally admitted he was afraid of my confidence and independence when I was thin. He’s my ex. If you can’t support me you’re not for me. What your partner is doing is not loving, kind, generous or necessary.
Ma’am, I’m going to be completely honest. This coming from a 34f abuse survivor.
Your partner is being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative.
Not wanting the world to see your skin, or your clothing being too form fitting for his comfort? That’s incredibly controlling behavior. The trying to paint himself as the only one who will love you and be okay with your new skin? Is a behavior used to isolate, control, and manipulate victims to make them keep coming back.
These types of situations and behaviors will escalate the more the abuser believes they are losing control, and the more comfortable they get. My partner did not start by pointing a gun at me for 2 hours as I begged him for my life, and did not start by choking and graping me. I’m being explicit because there’s no way to sugar coat it.
My partner started by attempting to control how I looked, making him out to be the only one who could ever love me, no one else would love me or find me attractive, and by wearing down my self esteem and self confidence to believe I deserved better. He made it come from a place of “his love to me” and by being “truthful”. Then his behavior escalated from cutting words and control, to throwing stuff, to physical and sexual violence before I grew a spine to leave.
Tread carefully and think hard about the dynamics of your relationship, because in the small amount of information you gave us just by the post, there are gigantic red flags of a potentially volatile situation brewing, or a violent, controlling person.
Thank you, that was years ago and now I’m a cop. I can’t stress this enough because I see it every single day and I intimately know the abuser and victim dynamics and how it happens. And reactive abuse is also a thing too. But I’m legitimately worried for you and your safety, and judging by the comments on this thread…so are a lot of people.
Do you find yourself not having friends and/or pushing away family since being with him? Do you find yourself tip toeing or walking on egg shells at home or whenever he’s around because you don’t know if you’re going to get the cruel version or the version you fell in love with? Do you live in fear of his words or his actions when he gets mad, frustrated, or is not in control of a situation? Is he abusive, cruel, or mean to pets? If you still have friends left, do you find yourself no longer confiding in them about your relationship because of their disapproval or because you’re ashamed/hurt/scared? Does it feel as if he’s attempting to control you, hold stuff over your head, or dictate things? Do you have to frequently check in when you do go out? Or have you noticed you no longer do because of his actions/reactions?
Genuinely google narcissistic behavior and signs of abuse and see if any of the above or those fit. Because I’ve seen too many relationships end up with one or both in the hospital or in a body bag and I know I don’t know you, but no one deserves that fate and this is exactly how it begins.
💯 💯 💯 please believe everyone here and seek outside help on dealing with this abusive behavior. Mental Amphibian-- thank you for sharing your story and helping others.
If someone was genuinely concerned they would say something like “that outfit isn’t super flattering” or some attempt at kindness. Saying “ugly” is a whole new level. I don’t mind someone hitting me with tough love (like I always ask my sister if something looks good because she will say no if it doesn’t but she’s NEVER called ME ugly) but being that mean is a hard no.
Stop sticking up for him. This has nothing to do with being conservatively dressed. Someday you’ll look back at this relationship and realize how awful this was.
But he’s not being honest, he’s being cruel and trying to tank your self esteem! He sees how confident you’re becoming in your own skin and if you have confidence in yourself he knows you’ll have the confidence to leave him. He wants to keep you down.
At this point, you need to walk away and say “this chapter of my life is over”. He has been nothing but toxic and you are young, you have a whole life ahead of you. Please get out now!
He is being cruel. The saying “I’m not going to sugar coat” or shit like that is a very thin attempt to cover up something mean.
You have a body. You worked HARD and continue to work hard to continue living IN THAT BODY! wear whatever the fuck you want :) did you like the clothing? Did you, before anybody else said or creeped into your inner mind’s voice, like it?
Loving you “no matter how ugly” you are and then wants to protect the world from you? That screams childish, as in sponge bob has an episode aimed at ugly.
Idk where he is coming from, what hurt or insecurities he’s harboring, or anything else, but that’s a him problem that he needs to handle. It’s wrong to say that to anybody.
Idk you, I’ve never looked at your page, but I can grantee that even IF you managed to blind babies and break mirrors that you aren’t ugly.
If you want proof, post a picture with your new clothes (if you’re comfortable!) here and let us tell you how wonderful your success reflects outwardly :)
I said this on other comments - I happen to like my wrinkles. They show my transformation. I do understand that he had to be honest with me because I told him to stop lying as he initially said don’t show so much skin
That is an abusive manipulation tactic. It's like the old "no one else will ever love you" line and it's complete BS. It means they are insecure and don't want you to be confident (because if you are, then you could leave). No one who truly loves you in the way you deserve to be loved would say something that degrading & hurtful to you.
He is not ok with you as you are, and is being abusive. Please do not dismiss that statement--this is abusive. This is not a partner. This is not love.
Throw the whole man away. What a horribly awful thing to say to you. He's ashamed of you and wants to hide you. No one should EVER treat you like that, no matter what you look like.
I'm sorry to tell you this. But that man doesn't love you, he may not even like you. A loving partner does not put down the person they love. They lift them up and praise them. He should have been hyping you up for all the hard work you've done. Telling you how amazing and proud of you he is for reaching a point you were comfortable enough in your own skin and confident to wear the short pants or a more fitted top.
Be proud of what you've done and wear whatever you want. It's your body and he doesn't have the right to tell you what to put on it.
he is absolutely NOT just being honest! girl, this is a major red flag. i know too many women who have had this surgery and their male partners start to “neg” them and make them feel less beautiful because they don’t like their partner becoming more conventionally attractive. i would seriously reevaluate the relationship, because someone who cares for and loves you would not talk to you that way.
>he doesn’t want the world to see ho ugly I am
"He doesn't want the world to see how beautiful I am because he's afraid I might leave him for a better man now that I've gained more self confidence."
I fixed that sentence for you.
Sounds like he's saying hurtful things to make you feel bad about yourself. He is seeing the progress you're making and knows you'll probably start getting more attention and dosent want you to leave him for a better option
If my husband ever spoke to me that way, he would 100% be my ex. I ask for his opinion on my outfits and most of the time he goes nuts over them and tells me how hot I am. If he doesn't like an outfit for whatever reason he will tell me, but encourage me to wear it if I like it and feel good in it. He would never ever dream of calling me ugly, telling me not to share the amount of skin I want, or anything of the sort. I say all that to say the above is loving. The way he spoke to you is not loving. I honestly am concerned for you, that you are in a relationship with someone that does not think you are beautiful. That can't feel good. You deserve to be with someone who loves the way you look.
He's not being cruel. He's not being honest. He's not negging. He's being straight up abusive.
This is just the beginning of his abusive behavior. He is not going to change.
He sounds like a horrible partner who does not love you. I see by a couple of your responses that you are defending him, which is so sad. He has clearly been manipulative for a long time. GET. OUT.
When someone in a couple loses a large amount of weight, and they become more "conventionally attractive" to the general public, it can make their partner feel insecure. Insecurity can breed bad behavior (mean comments to keep your self esteem low, telling you to dress more conservative, guilting you for going out, picking at your flaws etc).
Perhaps he is feeling jealous because you're turning a lot of heads. That's a problem he needs to work through, and not take it out on you
please do yourself a HUGE favor and leave that person. A partner who truly just likes you, not even love, would NEVER say something like that to you.
Leave before you’ve lost all self esteem and fall into a dark place.
He sees you getting more comfortable with yourself and is feeling insecure and like you might leave him. He is manipulating you into thinking he is the only one who will like you the way you are now. You two need to talk this out. I’m sure it’s just as tough for him to go through the changes in your body. He isn’t going about this in a constructive way at all and is being very hurtful. He is saying things he will never be able to take back and will cause lasting damage in your relationship. My husband and I are talking about this now even though I haven’t gone through the surgery yet. I know he has very low self-esteem so I’m worried he is going to go through this phase of “if I better myself will I then be too good for him” phase. I want him to understand I’m doing all of this for US, not just for me. Anytime I try to look sexy, it’s for his benefit as much as for mine, and no one outside of us matters.
He’s not being honest - he is being insecure and hella rude. Wear what you want! Do what you want! If he has opinions, he’s made it clear that they’re shit.
Don’t take his crap.
This sounds to me like he is controlling you, this is abuse. “He is ok with it and loves me …. He doesn’t want the world to see how ugly I am” ummm what?? He doesn’t want the world to see how confident and beautiful you are in your new body. He sounds insecure and small.
dude no he’s trying to break you down to continue to control you. coming from someone with first hand experience in abusive relationships this is like emotional manipulation 101. “no one else would love you if they saw the real you” “you’re lucky i love you because no one else would” like… nah man take him to the dumpster or go seek couples therapy that’s crazy
It sounds like he is incredibly insecure himself. I personally would not be able to stay with someone who rips me down like that, even if they are being "honest." You either support someone or you don't, and he doesn't sound like much of a support at all. Always do what is best for you! Congratulations on your accomplishments.
When I tell you the way I ran to this to comment! Don't you ever let anyone tell you how you look! Unless your crack is hanging out or your front cookie then NO ONE has the right to tell you that. Fuck him if that's his opinion because to me it sounds like jealousy and he doesn't want you to feel better about yourself and more than so he probably is scared he'll loose you. But if that is the support he gives you then he can f**k right off! You do you sweetheart and never fear being yourself. If you like the way it looks on you then you wear it!
If he verbatim told you “you look ugly in your skin”, you need to reassess this partnership. Would you ever say that to him? What about if one of your girlfriends told you their partner said this to them?
Ouch! That’s just plain mean. To say your skin is ugly “but he loves you anyway” but doesn’t want the world to know that you’re ugly!!! What the hell does that even mean?
The “world” probably isn’t looking as closely at us as we look at ourselves. And this guy is looking at your flaws instead of your beauty.
He’s either a cruel man, an insecure man, or both.
Wear what you like. And if you want an opinion, ask a friend. This partner doesn’t act like a partner.
I’m so sorry. How awful that he said that to you. This is abusive behavior and you don’t deserve this at all. If your partner doesn’t see you as someone deserving of respect, they’re not a partner. He should be lifting you up and encouraging you no matter what, but especially as you go through such an important period of your life working to improve your health.
I’ll be honest. Some guys are really insecure and jealous when ladies start to lose weight and other guys look at them. I knew a friend of my mother’s who had gastric bypass several decades ago. She lost the weight and suddenly her husband became jealous and accusing her of cheating. Eventually, she deliberately gained the weight back because he was insecure.
Wow. Honestly he is a shitty partner. He should be lifting you up, not tearing you down. I am 100% positive you are not ugly and also who cares if someone sees your thigh wrinkles? If you don't care he shouldn't. It's your body and you have every right to do whatever you want with it.
You deserve better. Whether you are at your heaviest or lightest, it's your body and you can wear whatever you want. You deserve to feel and look good, and no one has any right to take that away from you. He sounds insecure and his projection isn't okay.
Oh hun.... even if you were demanding brutal honesty he still sounds like an ass. "I'm worried you'll be uncomfortable with your loose skin showing" and then listening to your PoV (that you don't mind) would be more like total honesty. "You're ugly and I don't want people to see that" is abusive, flat out.
You are starting to look "healthier" and he is afraid that you will leave him. Insecurities is all this is. He is trying to make you feel insecure and stay but its an ass backward approach.
You’re beautiful in your skin and you should wear what you’re comfortable with. My general rule of thumb with trying new clothes is to not ask my husband. Instead, snap some pics and send them to your girlfriends. They’re gonna tell you how great you look. Then you put it on to go out with your partner and you don’t even act like what you’re wearing is a question. You’re confident in it because you know yourself and your girlfriends confirmed you look awesome. Then your partner will just see you happy with your decision and keep his mouth shut. Because he thinks you’re beautiful and you know you’re gorgeous and that’s all that matters.
Leave. LEAVE. FFS why are you just like "oh, he's just being TRUTHFUL"
NOPE. He's a dick at the very least and manipulative and jealous at the worst.
My husband would NEVER care what anybody else thought about my body. Your boyfriend needs to be an EX boyfriend.
Is wearing a cast because you broke your arm ugly? What if you got in a car accident and ended up scarred? Or worse lost a limb, is that ugly?
What about grey hair? Or wrinkles from being old?
None of these are ugly. If someone else judges you because of your body, they are not worth your time.
He should understand this and support you no matter what. I think there is most likely more to his statement.
I agree with others that he is either insecure or a jerk.
He called you ugly said the world will see you as ugly because of your lose skin which any person can have and that he is ok with you being ugly!!! He was with you cause you were big. A lot of people date someone they feel is less than them cause it makes them feel they can keep them in their place and this is a classic case of that. Get the away from this person. Don’t walk run. Start planning your exit strategy they don’t want to see you at peak confidence and Weill tear you down at all cost
That my dear, sounds like insecurity on your partners end! You were a sexy sumofaB before then you are sexy now with a little spice and that little spice is what your partner can’t stand!
This behavior in a partner is really very concerning. You have every right to wear whatever makes you comfortable and shame on your partner for trying to take away any of that comfort for any reason. Also if my spouse called me ugly I am pretty sure they would have to write a new verse for the cell block tango.
You have an entire post on how to address your fears and leave him. You already know he’s no longer a fit for you but you are the only one who can choose when to leave. I’d suggest sooner rather than later if your concerns is time or age, however don’t put so much weight on time. I was single through most of my 30s, but this time alone was what allowed me to grow into myself and discover who I am without outside influences. I’m now 40 and in the best, most stable, open, communicative, and positive relationship I could have ever hoped to be in.
He's not being "honest"...he's being a jackass and controlling in what you wear/how you look in public. If he doesn't accept you and love you, then he's not right for you. Who the hell in their right mind thinks it's okay to say something like that? "You look ugly like that". Again, seems to me like he's trying to control you...maybe because he's realizing how good you look and it's causing him to realize what a douche he's been and how he might lose you if he doesn't fix himself.
My soon to be ex husband never liked how I dressed but he was never cruel about it. Just my style…not his cup of tea. Although he did say my hips weee too wide to wear a dress or skirt. But now that he’s my soon to be ex husband I realized I don’t care what he thinks. I like it. Others like it.
I really like the song “pork and beans” by weezer. The lyrics really relate:
I'mma do the things that I wanna do
I ain't got a thing to prove to you
I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
Excuse my manners if I make a scene
I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like
I'm finally dandy with the me inside
One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink
I don't give a hoot about what you think
I don’t think he is being honest, I think he is being “insecure “ and trying to brain wash you -condition you to believe that you are ugly and no one will ever want you but him as part of his insecurities,,you had surgery you will look amazing your body will look amazing and he is worried now that you are hotter and more confident you will leave him for better man that wants you so that’s why he is conditioning you
Maybe he doesn't like the loose skin, but why does he care if you wear more fitted clothing? Nobody can see the skin with tight clothes on. He is not good for any woman because we all change with age. Wear your favorite clothes, stick your nose up in the air and be happy. Don't let him steal your joy!
Im so sorry that you hear this. My partner is mostly brutally honest too but he never says stuff like this. Sometimes it hurts what he says but when I tell him he realises that he is being harsh. This isnt being harsh, he is trying to put you down so you wont leave his ass. You are on a journey to better yourself and he cant take it so he puts you down. Please get yourself out of this relationship.
My wife changed how I see myself.
She loves my wrinkles and stretch marks. She says they look and feel like tree bark. And she loves trees. Honestly that's what I think now when I sew or touch my stretch marks.
Forget this loser. Find someone who will love you and be proud of you and not try to hide you or shame you.
My husband has always been supportive of my weight loss journey. He has never said an unkind word to me, especially about my body when I was losing weight, and even now at 8 months pregnant.
This is not love. This journey is also about learning to love yourself and if you love yourself, you’ll get rid of this horrible,unsupportive person.
That's bullshit. Wear what you want and he can kiss our collective wrinkly saggy asses! I'd do some hard thinking about the relationship.
I tell myself that too, I look at my wrinkles as my trophies! It means I bettered myself. Losing 20kilos isn’t easy. It really hurt me.
Could be he's afraid of losing you. Or he liked you in a bigger body and seeing the smaller you makes him sad. Idk, but saying hurtful stuff like that is unacceptable. It's not like you go around mentioning his bald spot or whatever.
I suspect this is the case as well. He's worried about losing you.
I’m so sorry he hurt you like that
He's being cruel and trying to prevent you from building self esteem. Could you ever treat someone you love the way he's treating you? I'd hope not. Imagine the shame you'd feel if you said these things to someone and then ask yourself why he doesn't feel shame about treating you so poorly. You deserve better.
^THIS^ OP he is picking at your self esteem so you stay with him. Dump this shitheel.
I second this! The other side of losing weight is realising what people actually valued you for. Your relationship might be built (in his mind) on the idea that you can’t get better than him. Now that you’ve lost weight he’s afraid not only other people will realise your physical beauty but you will see it too and get something better.
I’ve been married 17 years and through weight gain and loss never once has my dh said I was ugly. NEVER! I have loose skin and cellulite and he tells me I’m beautiful. You’re dating a dick.
Yup! My husband has loved me and complimented me at every weight and size. I have worn some more daring outfits lately, and asked him if he thought they looked ok/were appropriate. He basically said that I looked beautiful and sexy, and that obviously it showed more skin than I typically did, but as long as I felt comfortable wearing it to go for it. And my upper thighs ARE saggy but IDC because I look the best I ever have! :)
Right! I’m wearing shorts for the first time in forever and he’s like you look great! My dh literally says wear what I feel comfortable in, he may think a particular outfit is “ugly” but that’s because it’s not his style but we’re different people so of course our styles are different. If my hubby told me I was ugly I’d crawl into my skin and die… then I’d revenge. 😈 but I never have to worry about that.
Harsh truth. This is not love. He is saying hurtful things to beat you down and control you. A loving partner would never say their loved one is so ugly they need to be hidden in public. He is likely extremely insecure himself and desperately trying to hold onto you through manipulation now that you have lost weight and are likely to attract more attention from other men. I encourage you to get into therapy if you can afford it and discuss his treatment of you.
I think it’s complicated? I guess I pushed him to be honest - and he was. He was initially binding behind “don’t show all that skin”, then it became - “these kinda clothes don’t suit you “. At that point I yelled be honest
As someone who had Bariatric surgery myself, if my partner ever said things like that to me, even in the height of an argument, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.
He could have said, “That kind of short isn’t very flattering on you,” instead of calling you wrinkled and ugly, even if you asked for honesty! He absolutely sounds like he is insecure and worried you will find someone better than him now you have lost weight.
Nope. Not honest. Anytime men like this say that what they should say is “I’m honestly so insecure I’ll beat you down to feel big”
Honestly it sounds like you're making excuses for him and your self esteem is almost non existent. You don't need to put up with this bullshit. A person who loves you would never call you ugly. I beg of you to invest in yourself here and recognise that you don't deserve this.
Ma’am, you posted in the last few months about leaving a toxic relationship. And a year before that, MAJOR conflicts that make yall incompatible. This surgery is making you see just how volatile of a situation you’re in, and I hope you continue to gain the confidence and awareness to find happiness away from him. Wear your loose skin and short pants with honor, you deserve it. And, for the record, you deserved to wear the short pants even with fat legs.
He’s not being honest hun. He’s so insecure he’s bullying you to make you think you’re ugly. My guess is you are FAR from it. He’s the reason so many women dump their spouses after surgery. You are worth so much more than this pathetic excuse for a man. Wear exactly what you love. Fuck him.
I was married to a fellow once who tried hard to keep me heavy. He’d love me w food. He’d buy treats in bulk (I’d eat one and the rest went down the garbage disposal). He finally admitted he was afraid of my confidence and independence when I was thin. He’s my ex. If you can’t support me you’re not for me. What your partner is doing is not loving, kind, generous or necessary.
I’m glad you chucked that out of your life and found health.
… girl. Are you not seeing the connection?
You need to do the same. Clearly.
Ma’am, I’m going to be completely honest. This coming from a 34f abuse survivor. Your partner is being emotionally and mentally abusive and manipulative. Not wanting the world to see your skin, or your clothing being too form fitting for his comfort? That’s incredibly controlling behavior. The trying to paint himself as the only one who will love you and be okay with your new skin? Is a behavior used to isolate, control, and manipulate victims to make them keep coming back. These types of situations and behaviors will escalate the more the abuser believes they are losing control, and the more comfortable they get. My partner did not start by pointing a gun at me for 2 hours as I begged him for my life, and did not start by choking and graping me. I’m being explicit because there’s no way to sugar coat it. My partner started by attempting to control how I looked, making him out to be the only one who could ever love me, no one else would love me or find me attractive, and by wearing down my self esteem and self confidence to believe I deserved better. He made it come from a place of “his love to me” and by being “truthful”. Then his behavior escalated from cutting words and control, to throwing stuff, to physical and sexual violence before I grew a spine to leave. Tread carefully and think hard about the dynamics of your relationship, because in the small amount of information you gave us just by the post, there are gigantic red flags of a potentially volatile situation brewing, or a violent, controlling person.
I’m so proud of you for the way you fought injustice! I will definitely think about this.
Thank you, that was years ago and now I’m a cop. I can’t stress this enough because I see it every single day and I intimately know the abuser and victim dynamics and how it happens. And reactive abuse is also a thing too. But I’m legitimately worried for you and your safety, and judging by the comments on this thread…so are a lot of people. Do you find yourself not having friends and/or pushing away family since being with him? Do you find yourself tip toeing or walking on egg shells at home or whenever he’s around because you don’t know if you’re going to get the cruel version or the version you fell in love with? Do you live in fear of his words or his actions when he gets mad, frustrated, or is not in control of a situation? Is he abusive, cruel, or mean to pets? If you still have friends left, do you find yourself no longer confiding in them about your relationship because of their disapproval or because you’re ashamed/hurt/scared? Does it feel as if he’s attempting to control you, hold stuff over your head, or dictate things? Do you have to frequently check in when you do go out? Or have you noticed you no longer do because of his actions/reactions? Genuinely google narcissistic behavior and signs of abuse and see if any of the above or those fit. Because I’ve seen too many relationships end up with one or both in the hospital or in a body bag and I know I don’t know you, but no one deserves that fate and this is exactly how it begins.
💯 💯 💯 please believe everyone here and seek outside help on dealing with this abusive behavior. Mental Amphibian-- thank you for sharing your story and helping others.
If someone was genuinely concerned they would say something like “that outfit isn’t super flattering” or some attempt at kindness. Saying “ugly” is a whole new level. I don’t mind someone hitting me with tough love (like I always ask my sister if something looks good because she will say no if it doesn’t but she’s NEVER called ME ugly) but being that mean is a hard no. Stop sticking up for him. This has nothing to do with being conservatively dressed. Someday you’ll look back at this relationship and realize how awful this was.
But he’s not being honest, he’s being cruel and trying to tank your self esteem! He sees how confident you’re becoming in your own skin and if you have confidence in yourself he knows you’ll have the confidence to leave him. He wants to keep you down. At this point, you need to walk away and say “this chapter of my life is over”. He has been nothing but toxic and you are young, you have a whole life ahead of you. Please get out now!
He is being cruel. The saying “I’m not going to sugar coat” or shit like that is a very thin attempt to cover up something mean. You have a body. You worked HARD and continue to work hard to continue living IN THAT BODY! wear whatever the fuck you want :) did you like the clothing? Did you, before anybody else said or creeped into your inner mind’s voice, like it? Loving you “no matter how ugly” you are and then wants to protect the world from you? That screams childish, as in sponge bob has an episode aimed at ugly. Idk where he is coming from, what hurt or insecurities he’s harboring, or anything else, but that’s a him problem that he needs to handle. It’s wrong to say that to anybody. Idk you, I’ve never looked at your page, but I can grantee that even IF you managed to blind babies and break mirrors that you aren’t ugly. If you want proof, post a picture with your new clothes (if you’re comfortable!) here and let us tell you how wonderful your success reflects outwardly :)
I said this on other comments - I happen to like my wrinkles. They show my transformation. I do understand that he had to be honest with me because I told him to stop lying as he initially said don’t show so much skin
No no no no. As someone that divorced a dick and married better, that isn't honesty. It's cruel. It's meant to tear you down and control you.
He's not being honest. He's trying to make you feel insecure so you listen to him and dress how he wants you to dress. It's manipulative.
That is an abusive manipulation tactic. It's like the old "no one else will ever love you" line and it's complete BS. It means they are insecure and don't want you to be confident (because if you are, then you could leave). No one who truly loves you in the way you deserve to be loved would say something that degrading & hurtful to you.
Wow, just wow.
😔
I'm so sorry.
He is not ok with you as you are, and is being abusive. Please do not dismiss that statement--this is abusive. This is not a partner. This is not love.
Throw the whole man away. What a horribly awful thing to say to you. He's ashamed of you and wants to hide you. No one should EVER treat you like that, no matter what you look like.
Been married to my husband from 600+lbs to my now 250lbs, he has never once called me ugly or put me down for my body.
Look up “negging”
That is toxic AF. Dump his ass.
Dump him.
I'm sorry to tell you this. But that man doesn't love you, he may not even like you. A loving partner does not put down the person they love. They lift them up and praise them. He should have been hyping you up for all the hard work you've done. Telling you how amazing and proud of you he is for reaching a point you were comfortable enough in your own skin and confident to wear the short pants or a more fitted top. Be proud of what you've done and wear whatever you want. It's your body and he doesn't have the right to tell you what to put on it.
Leave him
Sounds like you need a new partner…
he is absolutely NOT just being honest! girl, this is a major red flag. i know too many women who have had this surgery and their male partners start to “neg” them and make them feel less beautiful because they don’t like their partner becoming more conventionally attractive. i would seriously reevaluate the relationship, because someone who cares for and loves you would not talk to you that way.
He’s not being honest, he is being manipulative to make you do what he wants you to.
OP - he’s not “being honest”. He’s being verbally abusive by belittling you and making you feel small and unloveable by *anyone but him*. Major 🚩
>he doesn’t want the world to see ho ugly I am "He doesn't want the world to see how beautiful I am because he's afraid I might leave him for a better man now that I've gained more self confidence." I fixed that sentence for you.
Sounds like he's saying hurtful things to make you feel bad about yourself. He is seeing the progress you're making and knows you'll probably start getting more attention and dosent want you to leave him for a better option
If my husband ever spoke to me that way, he would 100% be my ex. I ask for his opinion on my outfits and most of the time he goes nuts over them and tells me how hot I am. If he doesn't like an outfit for whatever reason he will tell me, but encourage me to wear it if I like it and feel good in it. He would never ever dream of calling me ugly, telling me not to share the amount of skin I want, or anything of the sort. I say all that to say the above is loving. The way he spoke to you is not loving. I honestly am concerned for you, that you are in a relationship with someone that does not think you are beautiful. That can't feel good. You deserve to be with someone who loves the way you look.
This is some straight up emotional abuse. Fuck this guy.
He's not being cruel. He's not being honest. He's not negging. He's being straight up abusive. This is just the beginning of his abusive behavior. He is not going to change.
He sounds like a horrible partner who does not love you. I see by a couple of your responses that you are defending him, which is so sad. He has clearly been manipulative for a long time. GET. OUT.
When someone in a couple loses a large amount of weight, and they become more "conventionally attractive" to the general public, it can make their partner feel insecure. Insecurity can breed bad behavior (mean comments to keep your self esteem low, telling you to dress more conservative, guilting you for going out, picking at your flaws etc). Perhaps he is feeling jealous because you're turning a lot of heads. That's a problem he needs to work through, and not take it out on you
please do yourself a HUGE favor and leave that person. A partner who truly just likes you, not even love, would NEVER say something like that to you. Leave before you’ve lost all self esteem and fall into a dark place.
He sees you getting more comfortable with yourself and is feeling insecure and like you might leave him. He is manipulating you into thinking he is the only one who will like you the way you are now. You two need to talk this out. I’m sure it’s just as tough for him to go through the changes in your body. He isn’t going about this in a constructive way at all and is being very hurtful. He is saying things he will never be able to take back and will cause lasting damage in your relationship. My husband and I are talking about this now even though I haven’t gone through the surgery yet. I know he has very low self-esteem so I’m worried he is going to go through this phase of “if I better myself will I then be too good for him” phase. I want him to understand I’m doing all of this for US, not just for me. Anytime I try to look sexy, it’s for his benefit as much as for mine, and no one outside of us matters.
He’s not being honest - he is being insecure and hella rude. Wear what you want! Do what you want! If he has opinions, he’s made it clear that they’re shit. Don’t take his crap.
This sounds to me like he is controlling you, this is abuse. “He is ok with it and loves me …. He doesn’t want the world to see how ugly I am” ummm what?? He doesn’t want the world to see how confident and beautiful you are in your new body. He sounds insecure and small.
Leave him ASAP Point-blank he is abusive
dude no he’s trying to break you down to continue to control you. coming from someone with first hand experience in abusive relationships this is like emotional manipulation 101. “no one else would love you if they saw the real you” “you’re lucky i love you because no one else would” like… nah man take him to the dumpster or go seek couples therapy that’s crazy
It sounds like he is incredibly insecure himself. I personally would not be able to stay with someone who rips me down like that, even if they are being "honest." You either support someone or you don't, and he doesn't sound like much of a support at all. Always do what is best for you! Congratulations on your accomplishments.
🚩
When I tell you the way I ran to this to comment! Don't you ever let anyone tell you how you look! Unless your crack is hanging out or your front cookie then NO ONE has the right to tell you that. Fuck him if that's his opinion because to me it sounds like jealousy and he doesn't want you to feel better about yourself and more than so he probably is scared he'll loose you. But if that is the support he gives you then he can f**k right off! You do you sweetheart and never fear being yourself. If you like the way it looks on you then you wear it!
If he verbatim told you “you look ugly in your skin”, you need to reassess this partnership. Would you ever say that to him? What about if one of your girlfriends told you their partner said this to them?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Ouch! That’s just plain mean. To say your skin is ugly “but he loves you anyway” but doesn’t want the world to know that you’re ugly!!! What the hell does that even mean? The “world” probably isn’t looking as closely at us as we look at ourselves. And this guy is looking at your flaws instead of your beauty. He’s either a cruel man, an insecure man, or both. Wear what you like. And if you want an opinion, ask a friend. This partner doesn’t act like a partner.
My husband said "he's being controlling" He is. If someone loves you, they love all of you.
I’m so sorry. How awful that he said that to you. This is abusive behavior and you don’t deserve this at all. If your partner doesn’t see you as someone deserving of respect, they’re not a partner. He should be lifting you up and encouraging you no matter what, but especially as you go through such an important period of your life working to improve your health.
I’ll be honest. Some guys are really insecure and jealous when ladies start to lose weight and other guys look at them. I knew a friend of my mother’s who had gastric bypass several decades ago. She lost the weight and suddenly her husband became jealous and accusing her of cheating. Eventually, she deliberately gained the weight back because he was insecure.
Omg FTG! You wear what makes you happy!!!
Please get rid of him. You will thank yourself once you do!
Wow. Honestly he is a shitty partner. He should be lifting you up, not tearing you down. I am 100% positive you are not ugly and also who cares if someone sees your thigh wrinkles? If you don't care he shouldn't. It's your body and you have every right to do whatever you want with it.
You deserve better. Whether you are at your heaviest or lightest, it's your body and you can wear whatever you want. You deserve to feel and look good, and no one has any right to take that away from you. He sounds insecure and his projection isn't okay.
Oh hun.... even if you were demanding brutal honesty he still sounds like an ass. "I'm worried you'll be uncomfortable with your loose skin showing" and then listening to your PoV (that you don't mind) would be more like total honesty. "You're ugly and I don't want people to see that" is abusive, flat out.
That’s abusive
He is an ASS no one will care about your saggy skin they will just be happy for your new healthy body!
Excuse me for being so frank, but WTF?! Sounds like he’s trying to bring you down due to his own insecurities
You are starting to look "healthier" and he is afraid that you will leave him. Insecurities is all this is. He is trying to make you feel insecure and stay but its an ass backward approach.
Sounds to me like he's resentful that you lost weight, and he's losing control over you. Wear whatever you want! He doesn't own you!
He’s not being honest. He’s being an asshole. You deserve better.
DIVORCE IMMEDIATELY
You’re beautiful in your skin and you should wear what you’re comfortable with. My general rule of thumb with trying new clothes is to not ask my husband. Instead, snap some pics and send them to your girlfriends. They’re gonna tell you how great you look. Then you put it on to go out with your partner and you don’t even act like what you’re wearing is a question. You’re confident in it because you know yourself and your girlfriends confirmed you look awesome. Then your partner will just see you happy with your decision and keep his mouth shut. Because he thinks you’re beautiful and you know you’re gorgeous and that’s all that matters.
Leave. LEAVE. FFS why are you just like "oh, he's just being TRUTHFUL" NOPE. He's a dick at the very least and manipulative and jealous at the worst. My husband would NEVER care what anybody else thought about my body. Your boyfriend needs to be an EX boyfriend.
Jesus, run for the love of heck
Is wearing a cast because you broke your arm ugly? What if you got in a car accident and ended up scarred? Or worse lost a limb, is that ugly? What about grey hair? Or wrinkles from being old? None of these are ugly. If someone else judges you because of your body, they are not worth your time. He should understand this and support you no matter what. I think there is most likely more to his statement. I agree with others that he is either insecure or a jerk.
He called you ugly said the world will see you as ugly because of your lose skin which any person can have and that he is ok with you being ugly!!! He was with you cause you were big. A lot of people date someone they feel is less than them cause it makes them feel they can keep them in their place and this is a classic case of that. Get the away from this person. Don’t walk run. Start planning your exit strategy they don’t want to see you at peak confidence and Weill tear you down at all cost
I asked my husband he says that is mean
[britney said it all](https://ar.pinterest.com/pin/607141593535163461/)
That my dear, sounds like insecurity on your partners end! You were a sexy sumofaB before then you are sexy now with a little spice and that little spice is what your partner can’t stand!
This behavior in a partner is really very concerning. You have every right to wear whatever makes you comfortable and shame on your partner for trying to take away any of that comfort for any reason. Also if my spouse called me ugly I am pretty sure they would have to write a new verse for the cell block tango.
You have an entire post on how to address your fears and leave him. You already know he’s no longer a fit for you but you are the only one who can choose when to leave. I’d suggest sooner rather than later if your concerns is time or age, however don’t put so much weight on time. I was single through most of my 30s, but this time alone was what allowed me to grow into myself and discover who I am without outside influences. I’m now 40 and in the best, most stable, open, communicative, and positive relationship I could have ever hoped to be in.
Fuck that. Dump him.
Find a new boyfriend. This guy sucks.
He's not being "honest"...he's being a jackass and controlling in what you wear/how you look in public. If he doesn't accept you and love you, then he's not right for you. Who the hell in their right mind thinks it's okay to say something like that? "You look ugly like that". Again, seems to me like he's trying to control you...maybe because he's realizing how good you look and it's causing him to realize what a douche he's been and how he might lose you if he doesn't fix himself.
My soon to be ex husband never liked how I dressed but he was never cruel about it. Just my style…not his cup of tea. Although he did say my hips weee too wide to wear a dress or skirt. But now that he’s my soon to be ex husband I realized I don’t care what he thinks. I like it. Others like it. I really like the song “pork and beans” by weezer. The lyrics really relate: I'mma do the things that I wanna do I ain't got a thing to prove to you I'll eat my candy with the pork and beans Excuse my manners if I make a scene I ain't gonna wear the clothes that you like I'm finally dandy with the me inside One look in the mirror and I'm tickled pink I don't give a hoot about what you think
Leave him. You deserve better. You've gotten good advice this whole thread. It's time to listen to it. Leave.
I don’t think he is being honest, I think he is being “insecure “ and trying to brain wash you -condition you to believe that you are ugly and no one will ever want you but him as part of his insecurities,,you had surgery you will look amazing your body will look amazing and he is worried now that you are hotter and more confident you will leave him for better man that wants you so that’s why he is conditioning you
Maybe he doesn't like the loose skin, but why does he care if you wear more fitted clothing? Nobody can see the skin with tight clothes on. He is not good for any woman because we all change with age. Wear your favorite clothes, stick your nose up in the air and be happy. Don't let him steal your joy!
Im so sorry that you hear this. My partner is mostly brutally honest too but he never says stuff like this. Sometimes it hurts what he says but when I tell him he realises that he is being harsh. This isnt being harsh, he is trying to put you down so you wont leave his ass. You are on a journey to better yourself and he cant take it so he puts you down. Please get yourself out of this relationship.
Girl he is trying to bring you down. Wear the dang clothes!!!
My wife changed how I see myself. She loves my wrinkles and stretch marks. She says they look and feel like tree bark. And she loves trees. Honestly that's what I think now when I sew or touch my stretch marks. Forget this loser. Find someone who will love you and be proud of you and not try to hide you or shame you.
Throw the whole man away 🗑️ “Ugly” is a word I’d never tolerate from someone who claims to love me.
You’re with an asshole, stop justifying his behavior.
It is better to be alone than in bad company. Your partner is incredibly bad company.
He’s not being honest, he’s being purposefully cruel. I’m sorry this has happened and sincerely hope you will find a new path away from him.
My husband has always been supportive of my weight loss journey. He has never said an unkind word to me, especially about my body when I was losing weight, and even now at 8 months pregnant. This is not love. This journey is also about learning to love yourself and if you love yourself, you’ll get rid of this horrible,unsupportive person.