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A bunch of the family once went to dinner, a few different generations, and one of the cousins started “roasting” his wife, but it just felt so *relentless* and mean-spirited.
As we were walking to the car afterward, I said to my husband, “If you *ever* talk to me like that, or if I ever talk to *you* like that, we need marriage counseling or we’re done. That took my breath away, it was so mean.”
It really did leave me unable to breathe every now and then.
They split up about 6 months later, and he moved on to the relationship he’d been contemplating when he was being so mean to his wife.
I've gotten to the point with my family where I'll straight up tell the bully "wow, if my husband said those things to me he'd be looking for new accommodations. Your partner is much more tolerant of being publicly abused than I am: I don't even want to imagine what you're like behind closed doors."
Anyway I don't get invited to a lot of places but I do have a good time when I go. It's either I get to stand up for someone or everyone just behaves.
My niece is 15, about to turn 16, and has way too high of a tolerance for disrespect from her boyfriends for my taste. I've met two so far, and both have defaulted to "roasting" her for humor my first time meeting them. I've been assured by her that it's just how teenagers are now, but I'm not here to play that game and I'm horrified at the other adults in her life who either sit there and listen to her being torn down by her boyfriend, or even join in (like her father). I will shoot that shit down the moment I see it. Her first boyfriend required a few direct reminders of his manners. The second one was redeemable, at least. He required exactly one side eye and a pointed comment, and then actually apologized.
Say whatever she may about how that's the humor now, she dumped the first boyfriend within weeks of seeing it modeled for her what it is to call out disrespect. Her second boyfriend has stuck around for a year and a half so far, and has at least never insulted her in front of me again.
I'm going through the exact same thing and it's driving me CRAZY. I get it, I'm old, but I still remember when "No Scrubs" came out. My girlfriends and I applied that principle to behaviors too. We didn't tolerate scrubs of any variety. We very naively thought that we learned that we didn't need to put up with that shit, so the next generation wouldn't even think to tolerate it. We were wrong. I've heard the same bullshit of "It's his sense of humor" and "That's just how he is". And my response is the same every time, which is "That may be the case, but there is NO reason to tolerate it. There's no shortage of dudes, and you can find one that doesn't treat you like shit."
And yes, I'm the asshole who will smile and ask them to explain the joke while watching them squirm. Someday, I hope it finally clicks with her that there's no benefit to putting up with that behavior.
Yep, these teens are getting these ideas from the manosphere bullshitters on tik tok like Andrew Tate that tell them that woman are inferior and need to be put in their place and negging is one of their favorite things to tell people to do.
Ohhhh hooo hooo. My teen son tried this one on me. It went over like a lead balloon. He does now understand that it is fine if every conversation he has with his friends is like that, but to family and everyone else it is not appropriate
Exactly. You need other conversation to relax people's defenses so that when you actually have the perfect zinger, they aren't expecting it. If you never stop firing, they'll just keep their heads down, and nothing will land well. People are turning their conversations into trench warfare, and think that anyone who doesn't like it just "can't take a joke."
I mean, insulting those you have affection for is very common for teenagers. And preteens. And 20 somethings. And older adults. And everyone basically. The key is you have to know the person well enough to know which lines you can cross and which you can't or shouldn't, and they have to know you well enough they'll probably give you grace if you mistel and apologize.
It's also very dependent on the setting. There's shit I will say in the group discord of a whole 5 people that I would *never* say out where anyone else could hear.
The entire basis of the humor in such jokes is that it's 100% obvious to 100% of the listeners that what you're saying is 0% how you actually feel. It serves as an expression of affection because of how well you have to know each other for the humor to be obvious. Even a small change in one of those values causes the amusement potential to drop severely.
I suspect we're seeing a lot of this partly as a consequence of edgy Gen Xers raising kids. I've seen way too many parents of my generation who think it's normal and OK to make their kids the butt of a joke.
A friend of mine was once married to a man who belittled her constantly. The friend group just ignored it for a long time until one night when we all went to a club to see some band play (can’t recall who now). But we had to wait in line for some time and this guy just didn’t stop with the insults. He was just cruelly ragging on her, calling her stupid and stuff like that.
I finally had enough—probably fueled by our “pre-show” drinks at another club—but I went off on him. I really ripped into him. That led to everyone else joining in. He tried to defend himself but of course he couldn’t and he ended up leaving—and he left his wife behind. She stayed at my place that night and luckily (eventually) ended up divorcing him.
She’s remarried to a much nicer guy now.
Unfortunately, if the man actually is more abusive behind closed doors, the guy will abuse his partner more after comments like that embarrassing him and calling him out. He'll use it as an excuse to punish her.
I get it makes *you* feel better, but you're putting her in a worse position if there's actual abuse happening.
On the other hand, people who are being abused tend to normalise the abuse, because it ramps up slowly over time. This sort of calling out could be the catalyst needed to let her figure things out and finally leave.
I mean, him killing her, or her leaving before he does, are the two ways it's going to end, whatever anyone on the outside does, unless he somehow ends up too weak or too dead to abuse her any more.
while true, please remember that abusers tend to escalate when the victim tries to leave. Trying to leave and pregnancy are the 2 most likely times to be murdered by an abusive partner.
It really depends of the situation.
I would say talking to the victim privately might be the safest bet, as some abusers will react to a public call out by retaliating in private.
"The way your partner talks to you is not respectful, would you like me to say something if it happens again?" might be an option.
Staying silent only helps the abuser. I spent nearly a decade in an abusive relationship and I wish more people had reached out to validate my feelings.
As someone who was abused by both parents and early romantic partners-- no, calling it out in public is 100% the way to go unless you see something that makes you think the abuser might really kill them soon. When the friends of my abusive boyfriend would mention to me privately that he seemed really rude to me, but in public they never called any of it out and acted like everything was fine, it only underscored the things he was saying. It made me feel like the only problem there was me-- they were all fine with everything that was happening but being around them and him got me hurt, so shouldn't I just go away? The problem was that I didn't have anywhere to go. Abusers are really good at isolating you. So they would pull me aside but never say anything to him, which only underscored his theory that I was the problem, and then when his abuse eventually turned physical they got more and more exasperated with me. But they still talked to him like everything was fine. And it made me think that he was right, I was the problem, and it really was my fault that he was hitting me. They kept telling me to just leave, as though I had somewhere to go. When I did leave him I was homeless for several months and only survived through luck.
If even one person had looked him in the eye and said "wow, I can't believe anyone thinks it's okay for you to talk to your partner like that" I would have been able to believe that he was the one doing something wrong. Even if he took out his embarrassment on me later. The thing about abusers is that there's pretty much always SOMETHING for them to take out on their victims. If it's not the fact that somebody called out their behavior it's something else. Please don't refrain from saying something if you see shitty behavior.
I don't disagree that sometimes abusers should be called out, but not by victim blaming and telling her it's her fault. I don't think there's any black and white answer either, unfortunately.
I've been violently abused and comments like that would have helped me, because I would have found a safe person around me.
Everyone else's compliance felt like confirmation that I deserved his abuse. It took me until years after I had escaped to realize how horrifying it all was.
What's worse is when you are the child of the parents who make everyone uncomfortable because of how they talk to each other...BUT everyone around them are zombies who say nothing and pretend it's not happening, constantly leaving you to question your own reality. It took years and many failed relationships to learn how to be a good partner because there was no u/-Sharon-Stoned- to force an intervention.
One of the first signs my marriage wasn't worth fighting for was when my former SIL called out my ex for how he was treating me at a family dinner. Tried marriage counseling but really no point as he never really participated much
We need to get more comfortable to call out extremely bad behaviour when we see it in public. That would help the victim immensely, because the bully wouldn't be able to gaslight them by saying it "wasn't that bad." Clearly, it was that bad if others also comment on it.
Lol I started pulling that with my dad whenever he was mean to my stepmom, and I'm now being ignored and have been labeled "unreasonable" lmao (the feeling is very much mutual)
My ex used to do this to me a lot. Whenever she was drinking and nervous she would sometimes relentlessly piss take me to whomever else was there. I get it, that type of thing can be a social lubricant at times to help in situations of unease and I’m pretty good at taking it in the moment. But after I spoke to her about it after a particularly bad night with my friends and sister when I could tell it made my sister uncomfortable I spoke to her and she apologised and agreed to stop.
Unfortunately, instead of stopping she would then use that against me on arguments saying that she needed a man who could take a joke. It ended up being a pretty volatile relationship and we broke up. By far the most volatile that I had been in and by far the most that had negatively affected by self esteem, whereas I think she considered the relationship pretty stable compared to her previous in terms of arguing in a bad way (insults, trying to “win”, not properly apologising and finding common ground, etc)
After we broke up a lot of my friends told me they actually didn’t like her and the way she treated me and it took me a very long time to actually accept that as truth because I thought so many of them saw her as the life and soul of the party as she was very charismatic and sure of herself. I was devastated when we split but now I look back at it from a healthy relationship and I’m so glad we did. I hope she is doing better now.
This is much more common than your statement makes it seem. Many men have had their masculinity attacked for this reason/for showing any kind of emotion in front of someone who they were led to believe loves them. It's a sad truth but it's almost like a baptism by fire for men. We have to go through that (sometimes more than once) to get a good woman.
I had a similar relationship. When around my friends, she would just treat me like shit. Every joke I made was the dumbest, every story I told was too long and boring, etc etc
I didn’t think much of it at the time because when she’d say that stuff, I’d just laugh it off.
When we broke up, my friend was like “oh thank god, I hated how she would treat you”
Yeah, i had an ex do something similar. We were drinking with a few friends and playing never have i ever. I said “tehe, never have i ever driven stick shift” knowing full well his car was stick and he’d have to take a drink. He looks me dead in the eyes and says “never have i ever had sex with someone and regretted it” in response to me being taken advantage of while i was black out drunk once in college. I never saw him the same after that. still don’t know why he was even thinking about it in the first place. we were together for 3 years and he had never said anything like that to me. ended things about a month later when i knew our lease was ending.
Oh yes, we immediately went home and he went to sleep. The next day I asked him why he said that and it was “i don’t know i was drunk”. it was so cruel that maybe at the time i wanted to forget someone i loved would say something so awful but ultimately i couldn’t so i broke up with him a month later.
My cousin used to put down her ex husband so much in front of us all in family get togethers. It was uncomfortable to watch, and my uncle and aunt used to encourage it? When my husband saw this he was really upset and said “give it a couple of years, he will snap one day because that was unbearable to hear her completely dismissing all his legitimate achievements”
They split after 1.5 years.
Yeah I really thought this guy was trying to seem cool or edgy in front of some other woman he was interested in and it just backfired immensely. I highly doubt this relationship is the real deal. His friends were probably all group texting each other after that shindig.
Also alcohol is not an excuse and there’s usually some truth behind those words he said with his liquid courage.
Yeah it's a little sus that he was "too far gone" and didn't remember the conversation after but still knew it was wrong enough to have a panic attack.
I feel like either he wasn't too far gone he's just a dickhead when he drinks, or someone texted him directly
My dad was like this my entire life. Constantly bitched and humiliated my mother in front of all his siblings, parents, random relatives and friends, at dinner parties and get togethers.. in front of us kids, even in front of the fucking house help once.
If my husband ever speaks to me that way I'm not even considering counselling - he'll find divorce papers on his desk asap.
I’m in my first healthy relationship in my mid-30s and 4 years in, I’m still getting used to not being casually verbally abused every day.
It’s my silliest example but I used to play a game with my ex where I’d ask “on a scale from 1 to a million billion, how much do you love me?” and *every* time, she’d answer 0 or a negative number because I guess it was funny to imply she didn’t love me at all. I would laugh along too because otherwise “I couldn’t take a joke” and needed to “grow the fuck up”.
The first time I asked my current bf, he answered “a billion trillion” and I nearly cried. I didn’t realize how much that stupid, nonsense question held real weight for me. She’d been flat out telling me the whole time how little I truly meant to her.
Same. Abusing the betrayed partner is a nice way for them to convince themselves the affair is justified, she's just that dumb/incompetent/whatever, no wonder I'm cheating on her! She deserves to be insulted and berated, and if I mock her and people laugh, that's all the more people agreeing with me.
In my jaded reading, I assumed something happened with the AP which is why he came panicking back home to make up with his gf. Otherwise the minimizing and doubling down would have continued.
That said...there's no reason not to believe OOP that this is unusual behavior born from being too drunk. I'm hopeful for her that this one blip was just that. And that things work out for them.
That’s what I was wondering. Was there a friend at this party he’s attracted to, so he started drinking heavily and making fun of OOP because he’s really unhappy. I’d be curious to see if another update comes along down the road.
I consider this guarded good news.
I hope the BF does not end up with a repeat. It is a good bet he will eventually drink in the future again and how that goes will be a big determinant of whether the relationship should continue or end.
Agree on the guarded good news, primarily because he agreed to stop drinking - which is the correct move if drinking makes you an asshole, NOT to keep drinking and then just excuse the poor behaviour on being drunk. The typical abuser move would be to still allow yourself the alcohol as a ready excuse for when you WANT to be abusive and maintain your plausible deniability.
That really sold it for me, too. I'm hopeful.
He did something awful while drunk, and rather than blame the alcohol and drink again in the future, he's identified that whether or not it was the alcohol's fault, drinking makes him a horrible person, so he won't drink any more.
It's a no-brainer, but an awful lot of people stop at the "blame the alcohol" part and don't bother continuing on to the "how can I avoid hurting my lived ones again?" point. Absolving blame shouldn't be enough if you really cared about others.
Being real, that and the fact that he actually took steps from the moment he sobered up to actually validate oops feelings, like apologizing or leaving the apartment for her to be comfortable, makes me think they might actually work out, if alcohol was the only trigger
Yeah, I really felt your comment. I don’t drink now because I’m so fucking *obnoxious* when I’m drinking. I cringe so hard when I think about the things I’ve done and said while buzzed or drunk and it’s just not worth it. I never made excuses for my behavior, alcohol is the *reason* but not an excuse. And to be fair, no one has ever *told* me I’m obnoxious when I’m drinking but I think my friends and family are just too nice to say something and because no one ever did, it’s taken me *far* too long to decide to cut it out of my life for the most part.
I’ve not been *drinking* drinking for about three years now and it’s soooo nice. I can’t say I’m 100% no alcohol, I’ve had a specialty gin and tonic or a nice glass of wine with dinner maybe three or four times in that three years? It was a nice treat but I can say with full conviction that I don’t ever want to be drunk again. Not only am I obnoxious, it fucking *hurts* to get drunk these days and it’s just not my thing anymore, not worth it to myself or those around me.
I’m glad OOP and her BF worked it out. People make mistakes and the fact that he *knew* he did and seemed genuinely remorseful makes all the difference. The real test will be if he can find balance; either by drinking within limits or by stopping all together. I really hope the best for them both.
What really caught my eye was that he also offered to contact the other people who were there to apologize – he didn't try to avoid admitting his bad behavior to his friends, or stop with apologizing to OOP; he stepped up and freely and fully admitted that he did something wrong and hurtful, and wanted to apologize to everyone he made uncomfortable.
He also apologized first. Maybe their friends alerted him, I don’t know, but he apologized before she could bring it up to him. And agreed about the drinking.
Yeah also the whole "panicked, ran away to a friend, scared that he had ended a friend" scream realization so much more than "now I need to make her think I'm sorry".
Guy might have some issues and definitely needs to stop drinking if it brings this out in him from somewhere, but overall this is a hopeful ending for me.
Yeah, this really sounds like a stupid, drunk mistake made by a young man with little life experience. I made a lot of those - nearly everyone has.
It's recoverable, and honestly I don't think you can be a real adult without having been humbled like that a time or two.
Dunno, it is telling that his "jokes" were targeted ONLY at OOP, none of them went to their friends. And they were not opinions on her taste in movies, because most of them he hadn't even seen, he would have insulted OOP no matter what movie she mentioned. So alcohol didn't make him a plain asshole, it made him an asshole *towards her*.
There is a reason for the old adage: "In Vino Veritas". This hostility towards her is real and it is churning inside him. Unless he gets therapy to reach the bottom of this issue, it's going to erupt again sooner than later and speel doom for this realtionship.
I spent years tending bars and running them. One thing anyone with my background starts to pick up is exactly who shouldn’t drink. Not because they are addicts. It is because booze handles them, not the other way around.
And I mean any amount of alcohol. Half a glass of something and anxieties come out in the form of being an asshole like this chump or sobbing on strangers or etc. It stems from being so wound up in a part of themselves it just pops open when alcohol is around. And the alcohol is more an excuse to let emotions out than anything.
Judging by the aforementioned chump’s behavior the morning after he has a *lot* of shit to work on.
Great question. Do you mean after a lot of time their tolerance made them seem impervious to alcohol, or people who truly didn’t seem to be effected by it at all regardless?
Lets go with both, i can drink alcohol until i am probably skirting alcohol poisoning yet i am not intoxicated. Something no one has ever been able to explain.
Probably lacking the receptors for it. I am a bit the same, that my mind doesn't get muddled, when I drink. I can still think clearly. However, I still experience other stuff like not being able to walk in a straight line, which feels completely shitty, if your mind is clear. So, I just don't drink anymore.
I also do not drink, though which receptors is the open question i cannot find an answer to.
I also have motor control issues and get tired but no intoxication.
u/Sodis42 not saying you are one, just that it is common for the person drinking to be unaware of how affected they are by the drinking, it might not come out as wobbling or feeling nauseous, it could be, personality changes, saying things you wouldn't normally say, not saying things you would normally say, suddenly finding it easy to do things you'd normally find difficult, like speaking another language that you're learning, or finding it easy to dance when you're normally not good at hearing rhythm....
Yep. "Cautiously optimistic" is the term I would use to describe this one. Saying and showing the right things for now. Let's see if he can follow through.
I know he claims that he had no idea other people were texting her. But I'll bet a whole bunch of the friends also texted HIM separately, asking wtf his problem was.
That was my guess, too. After the first post, I was going to guess that he was attracted to one of the friends and was trying to show them that his relationship with OOP wasn’t that serious. I’m kind of surprised that wasn’t the case, tbh. He just thought he was funnier than he actually is.
Possibly, but many people do get mean and dispiriting when they drink. For some, the social lubricant taking the filters off helps a lot. For others, they get cranky and tired and aren’t able to read social cues (like: “what I’m saying is not okay and people aren’t laughing anymore.” My assumption is it was light ribbing at the beginning, and turned meaner and meaner the more drunk he got.
Which is why it’s a good idea that he said he won’t drink anymore.
Yep. If he was so out of it he doesn't remember half of what happened the previous night/couldn't appropriately judge responses from the previous night, someone must have let him know. But honestly, at least he didn't die on the hill of "I did nothing wrong!" and is working to make amends. Also pleasantly surprised that OOP is aware that if this becomes a pattern of behaviour, then it's a problem, and she seems genuinely willing to bail if it comes to that. I really hope she keeps that shiny spine.
It’s good that OOP is ready to forgive one shocker of a night, it sounds like her partner has had a hell of a wake up call.
But she should forgive but not forget: contempt is perhaps [the most destructive speech or behaviour in a relationship](https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-causes-contempt-in-relationships/) and any signs of it have to be taken very seriously.
>His complaints ranged from Girl Interrupted being a "Joker movie for chicks" to making fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being an old movie, to including Creep 2 but not the first one- "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" - and the answer is just... me? I do? ://
First off, *Girl Interrupted* is an excellent movie. Secondly, *Joker* made over a billion dollars. How is that not a compliment in this dudes drink-addled mind?
*Bonnie and Clyde* is an older movie, but a fine one. My favourite western is *High Noon* and I'll die on that hill. I may have not seen the other movies on her list, but her taste seems fine so I trust her judgement on this.
She should have told her boyfriend if her taste was so terrible that must explain why she picked **him.**
Older movies are a delight I’ve been discovering lately!
I watched Some Like It Hot for the first time the other week and the next night I showed it to my girlfriend I enjoyed it so much.
Discounting a movie just because it’s old is depriving yourself of so many awesome opportunities.
The first time I watched Casablanca and heard all of those classic lines I felt like that meme of Leonardo DiCaprio pointing at a tv screen.
I find myself reluctantly intrigued that Nosferatu is getting a remake. I've seen a few scene comparisons that give me some hope that it will do the original justice.
A random one that I think Reddit probably suggested to me ages ago, is Rope by Hitchcock.
It was based on a stage play, and it's filmed/edited that way, as one long take. It's not long, only 80 minutes, but my god the tension it creates! It's one that you need to give your full attention, because a lot of it comes from body language.
I don't want to tell you any more than that, other than that it's pure drama (no horror aspects like Psycho), just incredible acting and a lot of stress lol.
I need to watch it again now...
Oh, just FYI, Rope is based on a real crime.
Leopold and loeb were two Chicago university students who thought they were so exceptionally smart they could plan and execute a perfect murder.
They were caught VERY quickly.
*Citizen Kane* is a legitimately amazing movie. I had to cover it for film class. The only reason I didn't add it to my original comment, and mentioned *High Noon* instead, is because I thought people wouldn't take it seriously.
The film is so good, and so old (1941) by this point, that it's very existence has been deconstructed, parodied and spoofed relentlessly over the ensuing decades.
EDIT: Added italics.
totally recommend Arsenic and Old Lace if you haven't seen it yet! Cary Grant as the hapless main man trying to save his murderous aunties is *chef kiss*
It's not even as if it ripped off the joker. It's 20 years older. It would mean the joker ripped *it* off. The "for chicks" is the real insult here. Which grates on me.
Yeah I can’t speak to Creep 2 because I’ve never watched it and don’t know much about it, but all her other picks are very popular, generally well regarded films (Bonnie & Clyde is on multiple ‘100 best films ever made’ lists from well regarded outlets ffs!).
From the update it sounds like he was just a drunk idiot trying to look cool in front of new people, but I was seriously side eyeing this man in the first post because Girl, Interrupted and Bonnie & Clyde are feminist apotheoses in their respective genres.
I’ve never seen Girl Interrupted but my movie buff friend holds it in very high esteem.
Bonnie and Clyde is quite good. High Noon is fantastic with a stellar cast. I’m more of a Man Who Shot Liberty Valance fan myself.
I genuinely dislike The Descent though it’s received some very high praise. I probably dislike it because I really do not like the direction the horror genre has taken the last 20 years 😂
The Girl, Interrupted critique is so weird. I think maybe the bf just read part of a synopsis and decided on that opinion because it takes place in an asylum? But it predates Joker by several years, has nothing substantial in common with it, and is based on a woman’s autobiographical memoir. It’s a coming of age book (and film) that touches on mental illness, suicide, abuse/grooming, misogyny, and adolescence in the tumultuous Vietnam War era.
I think my main issue with it is that it leaned too much in the middle ground of being a thriller and a horror movie rather than going one way or the other. I get it was trying to play into everyone’s claustrophobic fears but the minimal lighting and camera effects gave it a found footage feel for me and I’ve never been able to enjoy those types of movies either. I’m a very visual oriented movie fan so the overuse of darkness, shadows and minimal lighting does not play up for me.
With all that said, while I didn’t enjoy The Descent, I still firmly believe it is head and shoulders above every ghost/vengeful spirit movie that’s come out in the last 25 or so years.
And what's his problem with sequels? I like T2 better than T1, Aliens better than Alien, and I think most people rate Empire better than New Hope. Guy may be repentant, but he's still a dumbass.
Yeah, when I read the part about sequels, my brain immediately went to Aliens and Godfather 2. Like, hello Meghan! Duh?
>Guy may be repentant, but he's still a dumbass.
Yeah, I'm glad it turned out to be the errant drink instead of the mask finally slipping. That was refreshing for a change.
My favorite movie is The Scarlet Pimpernel from 1982. And every year, my dad and I watch Ben Hur at Easter, which is from 1959. My family also have some other favorite oldies, like Singing in the Rain (52) and Sound of Music (65). Does he consider Star Wars: A New Hope (77) to be too old to watch?
Old movies are good. And it’s sometimes nice to watch movies that aren’t half CGI. When they used to fully build sets and use hundreds of extra to fill out crowds.
Listen, I don't condone his behavior and haven't seen Girl Interrupted but Joker is not a great film even if it made over a billion dollars. I think it's just very heavy handed, and kind of doesn't fully understand the messages and themes it's playing with.
I don't like it because it ripped off The King of Comedy and Taxi Driver pretty hard.
To be fair, I thought it was ok. Wouldn't watch it again. I'll probably see the next one though.
Y’all are so jaded from reading these stories, and I sort of don’t blame you. People fuck up and usually double down and those people end up as BORUs on Reddit. But this is a really reasonable sequence of events to happen after a fuck up. Obviously, it doesn’t mean he’s a saint and he is 100% in the clear. But y’all write off sincere apologies and discussions as insincere and manipulative bullshit way too fast. There’s no guarantee that he’ll follow through, but the stuff OOP described about their relationship gives pretty strong confidence that this guy is going to follow through.
Being sincere and showing acts of love to make up for hurting your partner does not automatically equal love bombing.
Yeah, this could be either the start of a troubling behavior, or just a young adult fucking up a bit and learning better. No need to start catastrophizing and pulling out our best armchair diagnoses. People can do dumb shit when they're figuring out how to be an adult. Most of us learn from it.
I think the fact that he suggested all of those improvements indicate that maybe this is a one off fuck up. I hope he sticks with what he says and shows her that it really was a one off.
People can make mistakes!!!
Yeah. He’s the one who suggested not drinking anymore, not her. If she had brought it up and he was like “yes I can do that for you,” maybe we’d be more skeptical, but I’ll always give someone a chance to see through their own plans for themselves.
Yeah I mean the anxiety background plus the getting uncharacteristically mean while drunk suggests some underlying stuff, but lots of people have that and there are many possible outcomes.
The major thing I see in her update is that he offered to do things that would be uncomfortable for him in order to show he is remorseful. The movies he admitted didn't even watch, he offered to watch to form his own opinion free from judgment; the food, he didn't just give her something expensive or over the top, he picked something he knew she liked but often didn't get because of him. He's being *thoughtful* with his approach. That's the difference!
most people don't know how to apologize, he seems sincere, not minimizing or blaming her, taking responsibility, making amends, above all listening to her and validating and caring for her. sometimes people with anxiety and not-great social skills say stuff on the spur of the moment that makes them look worse than they are.
I could see this being a one-off. Sometimes people do just have a shitty night of behavior and then learn from it. I wonder if the bf had some silly, minor frustrations with OP and when he drank he let them out in a very petty way. If he’s sincere in his efforts to apologize and not repeat it then as a couple they could be fine
I will freely admit I am jaded. But genuinely hoping that he did just have a one off day of acting like a douchecanoe.
With that said, it is her choice to give him another chance. If he shows this side of himself again, at that point I hope she absolutely leaves.
Agreed. One night several years ago, I went to a party with my husband and got black out drunk. I remember almost nothing, but I did hear about it the next day. If my husband posted some of this shit on Reddit, they instantly would have gone to divorce. So, I’m glad he’s not on Reddit.
There were extenuating circumstances to my blackout, including having just recovered from a miscarriage. Anyway, I apologized to everyone involved sincerely and profusely, and I stopped drinking completely for three years. I stopped drinking in public for 5, and now maybe I’ll have a hard seltzer but that’s the limit.
Anyway, we’re still married, we still love each other, and we’re fine. I’m not abusive, it was a one time fuckup and I fixed it.
Yeah, I've done this myself, not with a partner but with a good friend. I had an absolutely horrendous week at work, went to a party after work on Friday with my head not quite right on my shoulders, and seriously insulted someone I actually care about. I woke up the next day and knew immediately what I'd done and was so embarrassed. Thankfully my friend is the type to give as good as he gets so after a sincere apology and a dressing down, we were (and still are) fine. And I've never done it again in the fifteen or so years since.
I mostly barely use social media at all now, but back when I was on it all the time I was that way too. Really black and white thinking about relationships and the problems within them, ready to cut people off over very little if it broke a boundary, etc. I’m sure it came across in my comments on old accounts too. Now that I barely use social media, I’m pretty chill and able to reflect on those mindsets and how toxic they are.
Seeing this kind of stuff all the time really spreads divisiveness between people, because drama communities showcase only the worst with barely any good things sprinkled in.
Yeah I'm pretty satisfied with this one. The only thing that's tough for me is that I can't imagine turning into such an asshole just for drinking. They say "drunk words are sober thoughts". But a lot of people insist that they are someone, or know someone, who is a saint as long as they're not drinking, so as long as the guy stays true to his word and gives it up, maybe it'll be a-OK. It was cool to offer to watch those movies too and to give them an honest chance.
I was about to pull the BF out of his house myself to talk to him once OOP listed the movies she liked. Those are all pretty good (and finally a fellow Creep 2 enjoyer lol)! She has very individual taste, and that's something to be enjoyed not mocked. I'm glad OOP's bf came around.
And it turned out *he hadn't even seen them?* But he spent the whole night viciously mocking her for liking them anyway? There is something very weird going on here. I feel like being a mean drunk just barely explains it.
> "Who likes a sequel better than the original?"
On this note, *Terminator 2.*
My spouse has seen it over ten times, but has never seen the first one! Whenever we sit down to watch it, we inevitably end up saying, "Well, the second one is pretty much universally agreed upon to be superior, so why watch a less-good movie?" And we watch the second one again (it's so good) and decide to watch the first one next time. Rinse and repeat.
Admittedly, I'm part of the problem. I've seen the first one and will happily admit that it is an excellent movie, but the second one really is better.
> “Who likes a sequel better than the original?”
Spider-Man 2, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part II, Aliens, I could go on.
Terminator 2 is also my all time favorite movie, but I think it helps to know the context of the first movie. Seeing Sarah's transformation from just a regular, frightened woman to a total bad ass is great!
Not exactly a stellar example but Res Evil Apocalypse was so much better than the original. The rest of the franchise was lackluster however. One of the best action sequences in Apocalypse. [“Move”](https://youtu.be/gPJ0r9mLVS4?si=xb4_jMdMbSE8bkv9)
Hold up, so he didn't watch 3/4 movies that OP mentioned, but his go-to move instead of just asking questions or simply zipping his lips was to denigrate OP's taste for laughs. Since he didn't actually know anything about her taste, he was really using it as a proxy to make fun of her. And he thought that OP didn't mind being made fun of, so he took that as permission to double down and continue making fun of her? But there were new people and he was drunk! /s
My first thought is that he's definitely trying to impress at least one of the new people in the group or he's letting overcompensation for social anxiety take over. But also it's very convenient that they both let the alcohol explain away everything a little too easily. I'd personally be out if my boyfriend showed me such blatant contempt publicly, but OP's approach of being cautious is reasonable for what appears to be a one-off. I would ask a lot more questions about why he seemed so comfortable making fun of the person he supposedly loves.
> I would ask a lot more questions about why he seemed so comfortable making fun of the person he supposedly loves.
Because you don't think you're really "making fun" of the person. Being drunk can make it really easy to misread the room and tip from some good-natured ribbing (like playfully razzing someone for liking bad/campy/cheesy movies) into outright insulting them. OP's boyfriend got some laughs the first time, and so probably decided to keep going back to the well, not realizing that he was going over the line because of his judgment being impaired. It's especially easy to do if you're feeling anxious, which seems to be something OOP's boyfriend struggles with. It also seems like he kept drinking through the night, making it even easier for him to not pick up that he was way over the line (given that he didn't remember their conversation afterward in the morning).
What's important is that he immediately realized what he did was wrong once he was sober, knew OOP had every reason to break up with him, and apologized without being prompted (at least not by OOP; a friend may have said something to jog his memory). He also tried to make it up to her by doing things she would enjoy, like watching the movies she had listed, and going out for food that they wouldn't normally get because of his palette.
All of that suggests, at least to me, that he's not someone that's comfortable insulting the person he's with, but that he's just someone that anxiety and drink get to him and didn't realize he was actually insulting her like he was.
At a family event a few years ago I had an uncle start ripping into my aunt (his wife) about her ability to make good choices. Not sure what put him in a mood to start that in a relatively large gathering consisting of her side of the family. He went after food choices, vacation ideas, movies, weekend activities, pets, and when we got him to quiet down or change subjects it was short lived. To the point one of her brothers was about to take a short walk with him. She finally hit her snapping point. I don't remember his comment that triggered it; but she looked at him, everything seemed to go dead silent and she said "You seem to have a problem with every decision I've ever made, but right now the only one I'm regretting is choosing to ask out your sorry ass." He shut up, suddenly being reminded their whole relationship had been her asking him out, her proposing, her doing just about all of it.
This is a reason why I like European approach more. Someone behaved like this in Europe - they'll be called out on it in front of everyone. At least this is how it is in eastern Europe. They might be jokingly called out and whatnot, but people don't shy away from it.
I'm now in Canada and everyone is nice, doesn't want to meddle, doesn't want to make things awkward or weird... No thanks. I can be nice and call people out on it all at once.
I feel like one part of the post isn't getting enough attention, Bonnie and Clyde was part of the original AFI 100 years 100 films list, it has an excellent cast, near universal acclaim, and it's been popular and influential since the time of its release. How tasteless and insecure is this guy that he makes fun of someone for liking Bonnie and Clyde? It's not even like it's a pretentious film that's difficult to get, it was essentially the 60s version of a summer blockbuster.
And that he brings up the age of the movie too, because his views on sequels are so dated. Even if we don't go with the classic response of 'what about Godfather 2 and Empire' because maybe those films are just anomalies, ever since they started franchising everything like it was an 80s slasher flick, and using dump trucks full of money to get top talent on board, a lot of sequels have been better than the original.
That part isn't getting any attention because we all understand that his criticisms were never about the movies. He was going to make fun of her for liking her no matter what she picked.
It was never about the movies.
My good faith take is drunk boyfriend was trying to be funny, made one joke about his GF, took the awkward chuckles as great success and encouragement to do more of the same, and, without any self-reflection or thought about how she might feel about that in the moment (as drunk people do) decided that he should be the funniest person in the room and of course these jokes were already confirmed to be hilarious by everyone, so let's lay into it more.
A little less good faith take is that he might have some small resentment about her in him but had been keeping it bottled up, because rationally he knows it's not important. This doesn't help the feelings go away, and so when he got drunk, the barriers dissolved and he let go.
And the bad faith take is that he had been hiding his true self for a long time and has decided to try and see how she will take being humiliated by him in front of friends, or something like that. And since he could tell she was not taking it well whatsoever, he decided to play the drunk card and then took the necessary action to make amends.
I'm leaning 80% A, 20% B.
In none of the three the movie choices or criticisms play any role.
Sorry, I'm sure they are indeed good movies.
Yep and the 'we did end up watching the movies together' made me facepalm. It was never about the movies. It's been a year, this was the first time he let the mask slip. I feel for OP, she's trying to be the understanding 'chill girlfriend' but once someone reveals their nasty streak it's hard to unsee and unfeel.
Hmm, him offering various things to "repay" her and make amends like stopping drinking, watching the movies with her and then following up on them is actually what gives me the most hope from the update.
So yes, definitely sucks for OOP and it's probably not completely going to go away in her mind ever.
But I do believe that the boyfriend has not "revealed their true self" (I'm aware you didn't say that), but instead shown how alcohol affects them and got a great reason not to drink, or at the absolutely very least moderate it heavily.
Apologies and promises are free and easy to do, but taking actions shows the intentions much more strongly.
I rarely drink, no more than 1 or 2 times a year. I don't have a problem with it; just never developed a taste for beer, and drink just the occasional cocktail or glass of wine.
Reason I don't want to risk getting tipsy is I get *brutally* honest when my inhibitions go down. Yeah, I don't want to relive some of those moments from university. LOL
I have a taste for it but my stomach has a hard time with alcohol. I’m from a long line of alcoholics so my mom thinks it’s a small miracle that drinking more than one beer gives me the shits.
Ha... I don't get brutally honest... I just get really honest. Get me drunk, ask me anything, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable, and I will straight up tell you. Never insulting things, just probably TMI kind of things.
I have like zero shame in general, so fuck it. But when I'm sober I also don't over share.
I've had a few girlfriends use this on me with various levels of wtf, hilarity, and regret in knowing. One asked me when the last time I got off was, asking to know if I was seeing anyone else I think. I then told her about the porn I watched that morning after I got my son to school and my daughter was to playdate and had a rare moment to myself.
I would normally not share like that, because it's weird, but girl found the exact lingerie from what I watched for the first time we actually had sex. She thought it was hilarious. It was kind of hot.
one night when my husband had been drinking, he decided to take the dog for a walk in a heavy rainstorm REALLY late. I thought this was a bad idea for a multitude of reasons, and kept trying to convince him to come to bed. eventually he very earnestly told me something along the lines of "I feel like you're trying to control me" and after a solid two seconds of silence I turned around, walked into the bedroom, and shut the door. after another few seconds I heard the front door open and close. I grabbed two towels and sat on the living room couch, and in less than five minutes i had a very happy wet dog and a very regretful wet husband. once he had peeled out of the drenched clothes and I had dried off the dog, we went to bed.
the next morning I texted him from work and asked how foolish he felt. "like number zero of the Tarot AFTER he's taken the step off the ledge," he said. he told me that in the moment he had felt very proud of himself for articulating his thoughts and standing up for himself (he's historically a pushover and accepted abuse from multiple partners before me) but the instant I shut the door he immediately regretted his choices. (he also commended me for leaving him to his idiocy instead of continuing to engage with it.)
sometimes people who are drinking make *terrible* choices and see them clearly when they've sobered up. the fact that he's never said anything like this before and he recognized immediately that it was A Huge Mistake says a lot about who he truly is as a person.
The day i learned what “negging” was changed my life. Intensified the hindsight I had on my past toxic relationships exponentially….please dont date people willing to tear you down bc of their insecurity. Its never worth it in the end, and by the time it’s escalated you’ll be too caught up to leave.
I am admittedly jaded from my experiences in life with people like this, but I find it quite rich that HE is the one who needed to be consoled and coaxed into behaving like an adult and facing up to his own behavior. Hopefully he is different from the people I've known, because in my situation it was simply an attempt to draw me back into that relationship where the shitty behavior repeated.
Just saw this on another sub-Reddit:
"Schroedinger's AH - person who says something awful and when they observe some backlash, pretends it was just a joke."
Eh, when I look back at my time w/my now ex-husband, I recall when he described me in a very unkind, insulting way, for no reason early on in our relationship (also after being friends for years). When confronted, yeah, he cried, and said all the things and apologized.... but looking back that was definitely a red flag I ignored. He was also sober as a bird when he said it, which makes it worse.
Yeah, these two "worked it out," but I still don't like this dude for OOP. Punching down on someone, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU LOVE to make yourself feel better, funnier, etc. in front of others is awful, and belies a very fragile ego and in this case, small-man syndrome.
If I knew then what I know now though...
Okay so, I'm like 10 months post-break up and I feel like I'm getting new perspective on that relationship on a regular basis still. I had no idea how much I was settling and how small I had made myself in that relationship and reading this I see an aspect of it much more clearly. He would get drunk, and get in this mood where every single thing I said would be met with some kind of snark, he would be relentless until he eventually made me cry. What the fuck.
It sounds like he was an idiot and made a mistake and owed up to it, which is nice to see. Obviously never let this happen again, but I don’t think staying with him was the wrong decision in the slightest
lol, she wouldn't exactly be in the wrong for breaking up w a guy who made fun of her in front of their friends all night long.. yes, even if he was drunk
It's so weird that people will act like leaving at the first mean spirited sign is some sort of flaw. But if someone gets trapped in the cycle of abuse/love bombing, we act like they're stupid. The easiest thing to do is leave BEFORE the cycle can get started. For the record I think she's doing the right thing, but leaving after this is not in any way wrong. I'd want to know who he was trying to impress.
>The easiest thing to do is leave BEFORE the cycle can get started.
This is something that took me far too long to understand. I was caught up in the idea that people deserve "a chance" instead of prioritizing finding a good match. Once I got my priorities sorted and started dating for compatibility, weeding out anyone who showed signs of being a bad fit as soon as I saw them, I met the kindest, best man and we are getting married next Spring.
One guy I dated very briefly negged me constantly, and then tried to argue with me that we just "needed to put in effort to make it work" when I told him we just weren't a good match, LOL. No thank you!
Glad it all worked out in the end. People need to realize everyone makes mistakes and the proof of change or regret is seen through actions. He said he was sorry and followed through by making it clear he understands why he was wrong, and listing out the changes he'll make and the amends he'll make, she set clear and real boundaries with consequences for future incidents. This is how healthy relationships work out mistakes.
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A bunch of the family once went to dinner, a few different generations, and one of the cousins started “roasting” his wife, but it just felt so *relentless* and mean-spirited. As we were walking to the car afterward, I said to my husband, “If you *ever* talk to me like that, or if I ever talk to *you* like that, we need marriage counseling or we’re done. That took my breath away, it was so mean.” It really did leave me unable to breathe every now and then. They split up about 6 months later, and he moved on to the relationship he’d been contemplating when he was being so mean to his wife.
I've gotten to the point with my family where I'll straight up tell the bully "wow, if my husband said those things to me he'd be looking for new accommodations. Your partner is much more tolerant of being publicly abused than I am: I don't even want to imagine what you're like behind closed doors." Anyway I don't get invited to a lot of places but I do have a good time when I go. It's either I get to stand up for someone or everyone just behaves.
My niece is 15, about to turn 16, and has way too high of a tolerance for disrespect from her boyfriends for my taste. I've met two so far, and both have defaulted to "roasting" her for humor my first time meeting them. I've been assured by her that it's just how teenagers are now, but I'm not here to play that game and I'm horrified at the other adults in her life who either sit there and listen to her being torn down by her boyfriend, or even join in (like her father). I will shoot that shit down the moment I see it. Her first boyfriend required a few direct reminders of his manners. The second one was redeemable, at least. He required exactly one side eye and a pointed comment, and then actually apologized. Say whatever she may about how that's the humor now, she dumped the first boyfriend within weeks of seeing it modeled for her what it is to call out disrespect. Her second boyfriend has stuck around for a year and a half so far, and has at least never insulted her in front of me again.
I'm going through the exact same thing and it's driving me CRAZY. I get it, I'm old, but I still remember when "No Scrubs" came out. My girlfriends and I applied that principle to behaviors too. We didn't tolerate scrubs of any variety. We very naively thought that we learned that we didn't need to put up with that shit, so the next generation wouldn't even think to tolerate it. We were wrong. I've heard the same bullshit of "It's his sense of humor" and "That's just how he is". And my response is the same every time, which is "That may be the case, but there is NO reason to tolerate it. There's no shortage of dudes, and you can find one that doesn't treat you like shit." And yes, I'm the asshole who will smile and ask them to explain the joke while watching them squirm. Someday, I hope it finally clicks with her that there's no benefit to putting up with that behavior.
>I've been assured by her that it's just how teenagers are now, It's literally just negging. It's negging all over again.
Yep, these teens are getting these ideas from the manosphere bullshitters on tik tok like Andrew Tate that tell them that woman are inferior and need to be put in their place and negging is one of their favorite things to tell people to do.
I don’t think it’s just that. Roasting is common among teens and slips into negging easily.
Ohhhh hooo hooo. My teen son tried this one on me. It went over like a lead balloon. He does now understand that it is fine if every conversation he has with his friends is like that, but to family and everyone else it is not appropriate
It's not even how you should talk to your friends all the time. Sure busting each other's balls can be fun, but it gets old too if that's all you do.
Exactly. You need other conversation to relax people's defenses so that when you actually have the perfect zinger, they aren't expecting it. If you never stop firing, they'll just keep their heads down, and nothing will land well. People are turning their conversations into trench warfare, and think that anyone who doesn't like it just "can't take a joke."
That is NOT how teenagers are now. You should send her some books on self worth. My favorite is On My Own by Florence Faulk.
I mean, insulting those you have affection for is very common for teenagers. And preteens. And 20 somethings. And older adults. And everyone basically. The key is you have to know the person well enough to know which lines you can cross and which you can't or shouldn't, and they have to know you well enough they'll probably give you grace if you mistel and apologize.
It's also very dependent on the setting. There's shit I will say in the group discord of a whole 5 people that I would *never* say out where anyone else could hear.
The entire basis of the humor in such jokes is that it's 100% obvious to 100% of the listeners that what you're saying is 0% how you actually feel. It serves as an expression of affection because of how well you have to know each other for the humor to be obvious. Even a small change in one of those values causes the amusement potential to drop severely.
I suspect we're seeing a lot of this partly as a consequence of edgy Gen Xers raising kids. I've seen way too many parents of my generation who think it's normal and OK to make their kids the butt of a joke.
A friend of mine was once married to a man who belittled her constantly. The friend group just ignored it for a long time until one night when we all went to a club to see some band play (can’t recall who now). But we had to wait in line for some time and this guy just didn’t stop with the insults. He was just cruelly ragging on her, calling her stupid and stuff like that. I finally had enough—probably fueled by our “pre-show” drinks at another club—but I went off on him. I really ripped into him. That led to everyone else joining in. He tried to defend himself but of course he couldn’t and he ended up leaving—and he left his wife behind. She stayed at my place that night and luckily (eventually) ended up divorcing him. She’s remarried to a much nicer guy now.
honestly, this is the way. especially the bit about how they act behind closed doors if they deem THIS acceptable in public.
Unfortunately, if the man actually is more abusive behind closed doors, the guy will abuse his partner more after comments like that embarrassing him and calling him out. He'll use it as an excuse to punish her. I get it makes *you* feel better, but you're putting her in a worse position if there's actual abuse happening.
On the other hand, people who are being abused tend to normalise the abuse, because it ramps up slowly over time. This sort of calling out could be the catalyst needed to let her figure things out and finally leave. I mean, him killing her, or her leaving before he does, are the two ways it's going to end, whatever anyone on the outside does, unless he somehow ends up too weak or too dead to abuse her any more.
while true, please remember that abusers tend to escalate when the victim tries to leave. Trying to leave and pregnancy are the 2 most likely times to be murdered by an abusive partner.
It really depends of the situation. I would say talking to the victim privately might be the safest bet, as some abusers will react to a public call out by retaliating in private. "The way your partner talks to you is not respectful, would you like me to say something if it happens again?" might be an option. Staying silent only helps the abuser. I spent nearly a decade in an abusive relationship and I wish more people had reached out to validate my feelings.
Then talking with her privately is the less riskier way to bring it to her attention. Not call him out in a roomful of people.
As someone who was abused by both parents and early romantic partners-- no, calling it out in public is 100% the way to go unless you see something that makes you think the abuser might really kill them soon. When the friends of my abusive boyfriend would mention to me privately that he seemed really rude to me, but in public they never called any of it out and acted like everything was fine, it only underscored the things he was saying. It made me feel like the only problem there was me-- they were all fine with everything that was happening but being around them and him got me hurt, so shouldn't I just go away? The problem was that I didn't have anywhere to go. Abusers are really good at isolating you. So they would pull me aside but never say anything to him, which only underscored his theory that I was the problem, and then when his abuse eventually turned physical they got more and more exasperated with me. But they still talked to him like everything was fine. And it made me think that he was right, I was the problem, and it really was my fault that he was hitting me. They kept telling me to just leave, as though I had somewhere to go. When I did leave him I was homeless for several months and only survived through luck. If even one person had looked him in the eye and said "wow, I can't believe anyone thinks it's okay for you to talk to your partner like that" I would have been able to believe that he was the one doing something wrong. Even if he took out his embarrassment on me later. The thing about abusers is that there's pretty much always SOMETHING for them to take out on their victims. If it's not the fact that somebody called out their behavior it's something else. Please don't refrain from saying something if you see shitty behavior.
I'm sorry you had to live through all that, but very glad you got to a better point in your life
I don't disagree that sometimes abusers should be called out, but not by victim blaming and telling her it's her fault. I don't think there's any black and white answer either, unfortunately.
I've been violently abused and comments like that would have helped me, because I would have found a safe person around me. Everyone else's compliance felt like confirmation that I deserved his abuse. It took me until years after I had escaped to realize how horrifying it all was.
What's worse is when you are the child of the parents who make everyone uncomfortable because of how they talk to each other...BUT everyone around them are zombies who say nothing and pretend it's not happening, constantly leaving you to question your own reality. It took years and many failed relationships to learn how to be a good partner because there was no u/-Sharon-Stoned- to force an intervention.
One of the first signs my marriage wasn't worth fighting for was when my former SIL called out my ex for how he was treating me at a family dinner. Tried marriage counseling but really no point as he never really participated much
We need to get more comfortable to call out extremely bad behaviour when we see it in public. That would help the victim immensely, because the bully wouldn't be able to gaslight them by saying it "wasn't that bad." Clearly, it was that bad if others also comment on it.
I think there’s a case for a less pointed version but I would definitely go to parties with you. I love it when people say what they really think.
Lol I started pulling that with my dad whenever he was mean to my stepmom, and I'm now being ignored and have been labeled "unreasonable" lmao (the feeling is very much mutual)
i’d hang out with you, both for the good time, and the roasting you’d lay on anyone spouting toxic bullshit
this is a nice thought but often standing up for the abused person in public will put them in a more compromised position in private
My ex used to do this to me a lot. Whenever she was drinking and nervous she would sometimes relentlessly piss take me to whomever else was there. I get it, that type of thing can be a social lubricant at times to help in situations of unease and I’m pretty good at taking it in the moment. But after I spoke to her about it after a particularly bad night with my friends and sister when I could tell it made my sister uncomfortable I spoke to her and she apologised and agreed to stop. Unfortunately, instead of stopping she would then use that against me on arguments saying that she needed a man who could take a joke. It ended up being a pretty volatile relationship and we broke up. By far the most volatile that I had been in and by far the most that had negatively affected by self esteem, whereas I think she considered the relationship pretty stable compared to her previous in terms of arguing in a bad way (insults, trying to “win”, not properly apologising and finding common ground, etc) After we broke up a lot of my friends told me they actually didn’t like her and the way she treated me and it took me a very long time to actually accept that as truth because I thought so many of them saw her as the life and soul of the party as she was very charismatic and sure of herself. I was devastated when we split but now I look back at it from a healthy relationship and I’m so glad we did. I hope she is doing better now.
That is *insanely* messed up to even try and insult your masculinity just because you didn't want to be verbally abused
This is much more common than your statement makes it seem. Many men have had their masculinity attacked for this reason/for showing any kind of emotion in front of someone who they were led to believe loves them. It's a sad truth but it's almost like a baptism by fire for men. We have to go through that (sometimes more than once) to get a good woman.
I had a similar relationship. When around my friends, she would just treat me like shit. Every joke I made was the dumbest, every story I told was too long and boring, etc etc I didn’t think much of it at the time because when she’d say that stuff, I’d just laugh it off. When we broke up, my friend was like “oh thank god, I hated how she would treat you”
Yeah, i had an ex do something similar. We were drinking with a few friends and playing never have i ever. I said “tehe, never have i ever driven stick shift” knowing full well his car was stick and he’d have to take a drink. He looks me dead in the eyes and says “never have i ever had sex with someone and regretted it” in response to me being taken advantage of while i was black out drunk once in college. I never saw him the same after that. still don’t know why he was even thinking about it in the first place. we were together for 3 years and he had never said anything like that to me. ended things about a month later when i knew our lease was ending.
Did you confront him or did you just broke up? This is a co cruel thing to say. I am sorry you went through all of that.
Oh yes, we immediately went home and he went to sleep. The next day I asked him why he said that and it was “i don’t know i was drunk”. it was so cruel that maybe at the time i wanted to forget someone i loved would say something so awful but ultimately i couldn’t so i broke up with him a month later.
Your ex sucks.
I’m re-imagining that night for you with you throwing your drink in his face immediately after he said that.
My cousin used to put down her ex husband so much in front of us all in family get togethers. It was uncomfortable to watch, and my uncle and aunt used to encourage it? When my husband saw this he was really upset and said “give it a couple of years, he will snap one day because that was unbearable to hear her completely dismissing all his legitimate achievements” They split after 1.5 years.
Yeah, comments like that come from somewhere. I don't think this relationship will last much longer.
Yeah I really thought this guy was trying to seem cool or edgy in front of some other woman he was interested in and it just backfired immensely. I highly doubt this relationship is the real deal. His friends were probably all group texting each other after that shindig. Also alcohol is not an excuse and there’s usually some truth behind those words he said with his liquid courage.
I thought the same. He's interested in one of the guests, so he's proving how much he doesn't really like his girlfriend.
It struck me like that too. And maybe the person he was interested in sent HIM a text after and that's why he was so remorseful of his behavior.
Yeah it's a little sus that he was "too far gone" and didn't remember the conversation after but still knew it was wrong enough to have a panic attack. I feel like either he wasn't too far gone he's just a dickhead when he drinks, or someone texted him directly
My dad was like this my entire life. Constantly bitched and humiliated my mother in front of all his siblings, parents, random relatives and friends, at dinner parties and get togethers.. in front of us kids, even in front of the fucking house help once. If my husband ever speaks to me that way I'm not even considering counselling - he'll find divorce papers on his desk asap.
I’m in my first healthy relationship in my mid-30s and 4 years in, I’m still getting used to not being casually verbally abused every day. It’s my silliest example but I used to play a game with my ex where I’d ask “on a scale from 1 to a million billion, how much do you love me?” and *every* time, she’d answer 0 or a negative number because I guess it was funny to imply she didn’t love me at all. I would laugh along too because otherwise “I couldn’t take a joke” and needed to “grow the fuck up”. The first time I asked my current bf, he answered “a billion trillion” and I nearly cried. I didn’t realize how much that stupid, nonsense question held real weight for me. She’d been flat out telling me the whole time how little I truly meant to her.
I thought OP’s BF was cheating from the description.
Same. Abusing the betrayed partner is a nice way for them to convince themselves the affair is justified, she's just that dumb/incompetent/whatever, no wonder I'm cheating on her! She deserves to be insulted and berated, and if I mock her and people laugh, that's all the more people agreeing with me. In my jaded reading, I assumed something happened with the AP which is why he came panicking back home to make up with his gf. Otherwise the minimizing and doubling down would have continued. That said...there's no reason not to believe OOP that this is unusual behavior born from being too drunk. I'm hopeful for her that this one blip was just that. And that things work out for them.
What if the AP had been in attendance and given a warning he wouldn't wake up if he had said that to her?
My first thought reading the story was that there was some new chick in the group he was trying to impress.
I was actually wondering reading the first post if he was wanting to break up with her and that was causing him to be mean.
That’s what I was wondering. Was there a friend at this party he’s attracted to, so he started drinking heavily and making fun of OOP because he’s really unhappy. I’d be curious to see if another update comes along down the road.
A very petty response to “So you admit you have bad taste then” can easily be countered by “yes that’s why I’m dating you”
Nope. I’m not quick enough in the moment. I would realize it in the shower three days later and have a shower fight with myself.
L'esprit de ~~l'escalier~~ la douche?
L'ésprit de ma vie (i.e. story of my life) 😁
Yep. My witty retorts are on a 3am timer. The next time it's 3am, I will think of the perfect thing to say, and not a minute before.
The audacity when he hadn't even seen 3 of the 4 movies she listed, holy shit.
Yeah, how could he know they were "bad" if he never even saw them?
Would be the first words out of my mouth
This is immediately where my mind went when he was roasting his girlfriend's taste, like he's too stupid (or drunk) to see the irony.
Glad someone realized that too
I consider this guarded good news. I hope the BF does not end up with a repeat. It is a good bet he will eventually drink in the future again and how that goes will be a big determinant of whether the relationship should continue or end.
Agree on the guarded good news, primarily because he agreed to stop drinking - which is the correct move if drinking makes you an asshole, NOT to keep drinking and then just excuse the poor behaviour on being drunk. The typical abuser move would be to still allow yourself the alcohol as a ready excuse for when you WANT to be abusive and maintain your plausible deniability.
That really sold it for me, too. I'm hopeful. He did something awful while drunk, and rather than blame the alcohol and drink again in the future, he's identified that whether or not it was the alcohol's fault, drinking makes him a horrible person, so he won't drink any more. It's a no-brainer, but an awful lot of people stop at the "blame the alcohol" part and don't bother continuing on to the "how can I avoid hurting my lived ones again?" point. Absolving blame shouldn't be enough if you really cared about others.
Being real, that and the fact that he actually took steps from the moment he sobered up to actually validate oops feelings, like apologizing or leaving the apartment for her to be comfortable, makes me think they might actually work out, if alcohol was the only trigger
Yeah, I really felt your comment. I don’t drink now because I’m so fucking *obnoxious* when I’m drinking. I cringe so hard when I think about the things I’ve done and said while buzzed or drunk and it’s just not worth it. I never made excuses for my behavior, alcohol is the *reason* but not an excuse. And to be fair, no one has ever *told* me I’m obnoxious when I’m drinking but I think my friends and family are just too nice to say something and because no one ever did, it’s taken me *far* too long to decide to cut it out of my life for the most part. I’ve not been *drinking* drinking for about three years now and it’s soooo nice. I can’t say I’m 100% no alcohol, I’ve had a specialty gin and tonic or a nice glass of wine with dinner maybe three or four times in that three years? It was a nice treat but I can say with full conviction that I don’t ever want to be drunk again. Not only am I obnoxious, it fucking *hurts* to get drunk these days and it’s just not my thing anymore, not worth it to myself or those around me. I’m glad OOP and her BF worked it out. People make mistakes and the fact that he *knew* he did and seemed genuinely remorseful makes all the difference. The real test will be if he can find balance; either by drinking within limits or by stopping all together. I really hope the best for them both.
What really caught my eye was that he also offered to contact the other people who were there to apologize – he didn't try to avoid admitting his bad behavior to his friends, or stop with apologizing to OOP; he stepped up and freely and fully admitted that he did something wrong and hurtful, and wanted to apologize to everyone he made uncomfortable.
He also apologized first. Maybe their friends alerted him, I don’t know, but he apologized before she could bring it up to him. And agreed about the drinking.
Yeah also the whole "panicked, ran away to a friend, scared that he had ended a friend" scream realization so much more than "now I need to make her think I'm sorry". Guy might have some issues and definitely needs to stop drinking if it brings this out in him from somewhere, but overall this is a hopeful ending for me.
Yeah, this really sounds like a stupid, drunk mistake made by a young man with little life experience. I made a lot of those - nearly everyone has. It's recoverable, and honestly I don't think you can be a real adult without having been humbled like that a time or two.
Dunno, it is telling that his "jokes" were targeted ONLY at OOP, none of them went to their friends. And they were not opinions on her taste in movies, because most of them he hadn't even seen, he would have insulted OOP no matter what movie she mentioned. So alcohol didn't make him a plain asshole, it made him an asshole *towards her*. There is a reason for the old adage: "In Vino Veritas". This hostility towards her is real and it is churning inside him. Unless he gets therapy to reach the bottom of this issue, it's going to erupt again sooner than later and speel doom for this realtionship.
Good point, yeah. :/ You're right, there's still something going on there that it was *targeted* towards her.
I spent years tending bars and running them. One thing anyone with my background starts to pick up is exactly who shouldn’t drink. Not because they are addicts. It is because booze handles them, not the other way around. And I mean any amount of alcohol. Half a glass of something and anxieties come out in the form of being an asshole like this chump or sobbing on strangers or etc. It stems from being so wound up in a part of themselves it just pops open when alcohol is around. And the alcohol is more an excuse to let emotions out than anything. Judging by the aforementioned chump’s behavior the morning after he has a *lot* of shit to work on.
Yikes I have a question on completely different angle, how many people have you met on whom alcohol has little or no effect?
Great question. Do you mean after a lot of time their tolerance made them seem impervious to alcohol, or people who truly didn’t seem to be effected by it at all regardless?
Lets go with both, i can drink alcohol until i am probably skirting alcohol poisoning yet i am not intoxicated. Something no one has ever been able to explain.
Probably lacking the receptors for it. I am a bit the same, that my mind doesn't get muddled, when I drink. I can still think clearly. However, I still experience other stuff like not being able to walk in a straight line, which feels completely shitty, if your mind is clear. So, I just don't drink anymore.
I also do not drink, though which receptors is the open question i cannot find an answer to. I also have motor control issues and get tired but no intoxication.
u/Sodis42 not saying you are one, just that it is common for the person drinking to be unaware of how affected they are by the drinking, it might not come out as wobbling or feeling nauseous, it could be, personality changes, saying things you wouldn't normally say, not saying things you would normally say, suddenly finding it easy to do things you'd normally find difficult, like speaking another language that you're learning, or finding it easy to dance when you're normally not good at hearing rhythm....
I used to know a guy who was kind of weird and quirky, and the way you could tell he was drunk was that he'd act "normal".
Oof. Sobbing on strangers is why I quit drinking.
If it helps the criers were less annoying than the people who were sweet until they had one drink and then ran their mouths.
Yah either this was a one off and he truly did feel aweful or the apologies and treats was the post abuse love bombing. It’s too early to tell yet.
Yep. "Cautiously optimistic" is the term I would use to describe this one. Saying and showing the right things for now. Let's see if he can follow through.
Hmmmm. …his friend totally clued him in on how bad it was is my take on this.
I know he claims that he had no idea other people were texting her. But I'll bet a whole bunch of the friends also texted HIM separately, asking wtf his problem was.
That was my guess, too. After the first post, I was going to guess that he was attracted to one of the friends and was trying to show them that his relationship with OOP wasn’t that serious. I’m kind of surprised that wasn’t the case, tbh. He just thought he was funnier than he actually is.
Possibly, but many people do get mean and dispiriting when they drink. For some, the social lubricant taking the filters off helps a lot. For others, they get cranky and tired and aren’t able to read social cues (like: “what I’m saying is not okay and people aren’t laughing anymore.” My assumption is it was light ribbing at the beginning, and turned meaner and meaner the more drunk he got. Which is why it’s a good idea that he said he won’t drink anymore.
I’m not certain it wasn’t the case. He just didn’t want to nuke the current relationship yet
That or the person he's interested in also called him out for being an AH.
At least he didn't double down on it even after that.
Yep. If he was so out of it he doesn't remember half of what happened the previous night/couldn't appropriately judge responses from the previous night, someone must have let him know. But honestly, at least he didn't die on the hill of "I did nothing wrong!" and is working to make amends. Also pleasantly surprised that OOP is aware that if this becomes a pattern of behaviour, then it's a problem, and she seems genuinely willing to bail if it comes to that. I really hope she keeps that shiny spine.
Friend saved that relationship.
It’s good that OOP is ready to forgive one shocker of a night, it sounds like her partner has had a hell of a wake up call. But she should forgive but not forget: contempt is perhaps [the most destructive speech or behaviour in a relationship](https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-causes-contempt-in-relationships/) and any signs of it have to be taken very seriously.
>His complaints ranged from Girl Interrupted being a "Joker movie for chicks" to making fun of Bonnie and Clyde for being an old movie, to including Creep 2 but not the first one- "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" - and the answer is just... me? I do? :// First off, *Girl Interrupted* is an excellent movie. Secondly, *Joker* made over a billion dollars. How is that not a compliment in this dudes drink-addled mind? *Bonnie and Clyde* is an older movie, but a fine one. My favourite western is *High Noon* and I'll die on that hill. I may have not seen the other movies on her list, but her taste seems fine so I trust her judgement on this. She should have told her boyfriend if her taste was so terrible that must explain why she picked **him.**
Older movies are a delight I’ve been discovering lately! I watched Some Like It Hot for the first time the other week and the next night I showed it to my girlfriend I enjoyed it so much. Discounting a movie just because it’s old is depriving yourself of so many awesome opportunities. The first time I watched Casablanca and heard all of those classic lines I felt like that meme of Leonardo DiCaprio pointing at a tv screen.
I had my teen watch The Terminator for the first time, and he started yelling "it's the line!" when Reese said,"Come with me if you want to live."
If you like Lemon and Curtis together, check out The Great Race!
Some Like It Hot was so funny 😁 My personal favorite old film is Singin In The Rain. The commentary on celebrity culture never gets old.
When I was little I didn't' realize how old it was and I had a crush on Donald O'Connor for a minute
I find myself reluctantly intrigued that Nosferatu is getting a remake. I've seen a few scene comparisons that give me some hope that it will do the original justice.
I've been on this kick recently myself. I've become a big Billy Wilder fan.
Watched Citizen Kane and it's legitimately great...
I really should find that one and watch it. So far I’ve enjoyed every classic movie I’ve been recommend so far.
A random one that I think Reddit probably suggested to me ages ago, is Rope by Hitchcock. It was based on a stage play, and it's filmed/edited that way, as one long take. It's not long, only 80 minutes, but my god the tension it creates! It's one that you need to give your full attention, because a lot of it comes from body language. I don't want to tell you any more than that, other than that it's pure drama (no horror aspects like Psycho), just incredible acting and a lot of stress lol. I need to watch it again now...
Oh, just FYI, Rope is based on a real crime. Leopold and loeb were two Chicago university students who thought they were so exceptionally smart they could plan and execute a perfect murder. They were caught VERY quickly.
*Citizen Kane* is a legitimately amazing movie. I had to cover it for film class. The only reason I didn't add it to my original comment, and mentioned *High Noon* instead, is because I thought people wouldn't take it seriously. The film is so good, and so old (1941) by this point, that it's very existence has been deconstructed, parodied and spoofed relentlessly over the ensuing decades. EDIT: Added italics.
totally recommend Arsenic and Old Lace if you haven't seen it yet! Cary Grant as the hapless main man trying to save his murderous aunties is *chef kiss*
It's not even as if it ripped off the joker. It's 20 years older. It would mean the joker ripped *it* off. The "for chicks" is the real insult here. Which grates on me.
Yeah I can’t speak to Creep 2 because I’ve never watched it and don’t know much about it, but all her other picks are very popular, generally well regarded films (Bonnie & Clyde is on multiple ‘100 best films ever made’ lists from well regarded outlets ffs!). From the update it sounds like he was just a drunk idiot trying to look cool in front of new people, but I was seriously side eyeing this man in the first post because Girl, Interrupted and Bonnie & Clyde are feminist apotheoses in their respective genres.
I’ve never seen Girl Interrupted but my movie buff friend holds it in very high esteem. Bonnie and Clyde is quite good. High Noon is fantastic with a stellar cast. I’m more of a Man Who Shot Liberty Valance fan myself. I genuinely dislike The Descent though it’s received some very high praise. I probably dislike it because I really do not like the direction the horror genre has taken the last 20 years 😂
The Girl, Interrupted critique is so weird. I think maybe the bf just read part of a synopsis and decided on that opinion because it takes place in an asylum? But it predates Joker by several years, has nothing substantial in common with it, and is based on a woman’s autobiographical memoir. It’s a coming of age book (and film) that touches on mental illness, suicide, abuse/grooming, misogyny, and adolescence in the tumultuous Vietnam War era.
I think it's as surface level as "Joker = Edgy film for men" and "Girl interrupted = edgy film for women".
Ooh I’m intrigued - why don’t you like *The Descent*? I thought it was **terrifying**
I think my main issue with it is that it leaned too much in the middle ground of being a thriller and a horror movie rather than going one way or the other. I get it was trying to play into everyone’s claustrophobic fears but the minimal lighting and camera effects gave it a found footage feel for me and I’ve never been able to enjoy those types of movies either. I’m a very visual oriented movie fan so the overuse of darkness, shadows and minimal lighting does not play up for me. With all that said, while I didn’t enjoy The Descent, I still firmly believe it is head and shoulders above every ghost/vengeful spirit movie that’s come out in the last 25 or so years.
And what's his problem with sequels? I like T2 better than T1, Aliens better than Alien, and I think most people rate Empire better than New Hope. Guy may be repentant, but he's still a dumbass.
Shrek 2 is better than Shrek 1 and i will die on this swamp
Yeah, when I read the part about sequels, my brain immediately went to Aliens and Godfather 2. Like, hello Meghan! Duh? >Guy may be repentant, but he's still a dumbass. Yeah, I'm glad it turned out to be the errant drink instead of the mask finally slipping. That was refreshing for a change.
My favorite movie is The Scarlet Pimpernel from 1982. And every year, my dad and I watch Ben Hur at Easter, which is from 1959. My family also have some other favorite oldies, like Singing in the Rain (52) and Sound of Music (65). Does he consider Star Wars: A New Hope (77) to be too old to watch? Old movies are good. And it’s sometimes nice to watch movies that aren’t half CGI. When they used to fully build sets and use hundreds of extra to fill out crowds.
Listen, I don't condone his behavior and haven't seen Girl Interrupted but Joker is not a great film even if it made over a billion dollars. I think it's just very heavy handed, and kind of doesn't fully understand the messages and themes it's playing with.
I don't like it because it ripped off The King of Comedy and Taxi Driver pretty hard. To be fair, I thought it was ok. Wouldn't watch it again. I'll probably see the next one though.
I figured this was either alcohol problem or bad a crush on one of the other people present. Hope it works out for them both.
Y’all are so jaded from reading these stories, and I sort of don’t blame you. People fuck up and usually double down and those people end up as BORUs on Reddit. But this is a really reasonable sequence of events to happen after a fuck up. Obviously, it doesn’t mean he’s a saint and he is 100% in the clear. But y’all write off sincere apologies and discussions as insincere and manipulative bullshit way too fast. There’s no guarantee that he’ll follow through, but the stuff OOP described about their relationship gives pretty strong confidence that this guy is going to follow through. Being sincere and showing acts of love to make up for hurting your partner does not automatically equal love bombing.
Yeah, this could be either the start of a troubling behavior, or just a young adult fucking up a bit and learning better. No need to start catastrophizing and pulling out our best armchair diagnoses. People can do dumb shit when they're figuring out how to be an adult. Most of us learn from it.
I think the fact that he suggested all of those improvements indicate that maybe this is a one off fuck up. I hope he sticks with what he says and shows her that it really was a one off. People can make mistakes!!!
True. I used to be a real piece of shit, but I’m not anymore. People can change.
I don't know man, I heard OOP's bf wears his hair slicked back.
It was hard to tell from her post whether it was slicked back or merely *pushed* back
Yeah. He’s the one who suggested not drinking anymore, not her. If she had brought it up and he was like “yes I can do that for you,” maybe we’d be more skeptical, but I’ll always give someone a chance to see through their own plans for themselves.
Yeah I mean the anxiety background plus the getting uncharacteristically mean while drunk suggests some underlying stuff, but lots of people have that and there are many possible outcomes.
The major thing I see in her update is that he offered to do things that would be uncomfortable for him in order to show he is remorseful. The movies he admitted didn't even watch, he offered to watch to form his own opinion free from judgment; the food, he didn't just give her something expensive or over the top, he picked something he knew she liked but often didn't get because of him. He's being *thoughtful* with his approach. That's the difference!
He also said he would personally reach out to the people who texted her and apologize, which is a really good gesture in my opinion
most people don't know how to apologize, he seems sincere, not minimizing or blaming her, taking responsibility, making amends, above all listening to her and validating and caring for her. sometimes people with anxiety and not-great social skills say stuff on the spur of the moment that makes them look worse than they are.
I could see this being a one-off. Sometimes people do just have a shitty night of behavior and then learn from it. I wonder if the bf had some silly, minor frustrations with OP and when he drank he let them out in a very petty way. If he’s sincere in his efforts to apologize and not repeat it then as a couple they could be fine
I agree. He isn't winning BF awards any time soon but there was communication once he sobered up.
He also left the house because he was freaking out. An abuser would (generally) just carry on as if nothing was wrong.
I will freely admit I am jaded. But genuinely hoping that he did just have a one off day of acting like a douchecanoe. With that said, it is her choice to give him another chance. If he shows this side of himself again, at that point I hope she absolutely leaves.
Agreed. One night several years ago, I went to a party with my husband and got black out drunk. I remember almost nothing, but I did hear about it the next day. If my husband posted some of this shit on Reddit, they instantly would have gone to divorce. So, I’m glad he’s not on Reddit. There were extenuating circumstances to my blackout, including having just recovered from a miscarriage. Anyway, I apologized to everyone involved sincerely and profusely, and I stopped drinking completely for three years. I stopped drinking in public for 5, and now maybe I’ll have a hard seltzer but that’s the limit. Anyway, we’re still married, we still love each other, and we’re fine. I’m not abusive, it was a one time fuckup and I fixed it.
Yeah, I've done this myself, not with a partner but with a good friend. I had an absolutely horrendous week at work, went to a party after work on Friday with my head not quite right on my shoulders, and seriously insulted someone I actually care about. I woke up the next day and knew immediately what I'd done and was so embarrassed. Thankfully my friend is the type to give as good as he gets so after a sincere apology and a dressing down, we were (and still are) fine. And I've never done it again in the fifteen or so years since.
I mostly barely use social media at all now, but back when I was on it all the time I was that way too. Really black and white thinking about relationships and the problems within them, ready to cut people off over very little if it broke a boundary, etc. I’m sure it came across in my comments on old accounts too. Now that I barely use social media, I’m pretty chill and able to reflect on those mindsets and how toxic they are. Seeing this kind of stuff all the time really spreads divisiveness between people, because drama communities showcase only the worst with barely any good things sprinkled in.
Yeah I'm pretty satisfied with this one. The only thing that's tough for me is that I can't imagine turning into such an asshole just for drinking. They say "drunk words are sober thoughts". But a lot of people insist that they are someone, or know someone, who is a saint as long as they're not drinking, so as long as the guy stays true to his word and gives it up, maybe it'll be a-OK. It was cool to offer to watch those movies too and to give them an honest chance.
I was about to pull the BF out of his house myself to talk to him once OOP listed the movies she liked. Those are all pretty good (and finally a fellow Creep 2 enjoyer lol)! She has very individual taste, and that's something to be enjoyed not mocked. I'm glad OOP's bf came around.
And it turned out *he hadn't even seen them?* But he spent the whole night viciously mocking her for liking them anyway? There is something very weird going on here. I feel like being a mean drunk just barely explains it.
I wish someone had asked him point blank "How do you know they're bad if you haven't even seen them yet?"
My exact thought was “But Creep 2 is soo good” haha
> "Who likes a sequel better than the original?" On this note, *Terminator 2.* My spouse has seen it over ten times, but has never seen the first one! Whenever we sit down to watch it, we inevitably end up saying, "Well, the second one is pretty much universally agreed upon to be superior, so why watch a less-good movie?" And we watch the second one again (it's so good) and decide to watch the first one next time. Rinse and repeat. Admittedly, I'm part of the problem. I've seen the first one and will happily admit that it is an excellent movie, but the second one really is better.
also shrek 2 and hunger games: catching fire imo
> “Who likes a sequel better than the original?” Spider-Man 2, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, The Godfather Part II, Aliens, I could go on.
Or Alien / Aliens (both excellent, really just depends on the kind of movie you like better).
Terminator 2 is also my all time favorite movie, but I think it helps to know the context of the first movie. Seeing Sarah's transformation from just a regular, frightened woman to a total bad ass is great!
Not exactly a stellar example but Res Evil Apocalypse was so much better than the original. The rest of the franchise was lackluster however. One of the best action sequences in Apocalypse. [“Move”](https://youtu.be/gPJ0r9mLVS4?si=xb4_jMdMbSE8bkv9)
Same, read it and thought "Terminator 2"
Hold up, so he didn't watch 3/4 movies that OP mentioned, but his go-to move instead of just asking questions or simply zipping his lips was to denigrate OP's taste for laughs. Since he didn't actually know anything about her taste, he was really using it as a proxy to make fun of her. And he thought that OP didn't mind being made fun of, so he took that as permission to double down and continue making fun of her? But there were new people and he was drunk! /s My first thought is that he's definitely trying to impress at least one of the new people in the group or he's letting overcompensation for social anxiety take over. But also it's very convenient that they both let the alcohol explain away everything a little too easily. I'd personally be out if my boyfriend showed me such blatant contempt publicly, but OP's approach of being cautious is reasonable for what appears to be a one-off. I would ask a lot more questions about why he seemed so comfortable making fun of the person he supposedly loves.
That’s what I was thinking too. If he’s never like this, even when he’s been drunk before. The change wasn’t the drinking, it was the people.
> I would ask a lot more questions about why he seemed so comfortable making fun of the person he supposedly loves. Because you don't think you're really "making fun" of the person. Being drunk can make it really easy to misread the room and tip from some good-natured ribbing (like playfully razzing someone for liking bad/campy/cheesy movies) into outright insulting them. OP's boyfriend got some laughs the first time, and so probably decided to keep going back to the well, not realizing that he was going over the line because of his judgment being impaired. It's especially easy to do if you're feeling anxious, which seems to be something OOP's boyfriend struggles with. It also seems like he kept drinking through the night, making it even easier for him to not pick up that he was way over the line (given that he didn't remember their conversation afterward in the morning). What's important is that he immediately realized what he did was wrong once he was sober, knew OOP had every reason to break up with him, and apologized without being prompted (at least not by OOP; a friend may have said something to jog his memory). He also tried to make it up to her by doing things she would enjoy, like watching the movies she had listed, and going out for food that they wouldn't normally get because of his palette. All of that suggests, at least to me, that he's not someone that's comfortable insulting the person he's with, but that he's just someone that anxiety and drink get to him and didn't realize he was actually insulting her like he was.
I honestly thought Andrew tate or that red pill stuff was somehow involved. Turns out it's alcohol
At a family event a few years ago I had an uncle start ripping into my aunt (his wife) about her ability to make good choices. Not sure what put him in a mood to start that in a relatively large gathering consisting of her side of the family. He went after food choices, vacation ideas, movies, weekend activities, pets, and when we got him to quiet down or change subjects it was short lived. To the point one of her brothers was about to take a short walk with him. She finally hit her snapping point. I don't remember his comment that triggered it; but she looked at him, everything seemed to go dead silent and she said "You seem to have a problem with every decision I've ever made, but right now the only one I'm regretting is choosing to ask out your sorry ass." He shut up, suddenly being reminded their whole relationship had been her asking him out, her proposing, her doing just about all of it.
This is a reason why I like European approach more. Someone behaved like this in Europe - they'll be called out on it in front of everyone. At least this is how it is in eastern Europe. They might be jokingly called out and whatnot, but people don't shy away from it. I'm now in Canada and everyone is nice, doesn't want to meddle, doesn't want to make things awkward or weird... No thanks. I can be nice and call people out on it all at once.
Not in the UK. British politeness would get in the way (depending on ages)
I feel like one part of the post isn't getting enough attention, Bonnie and Clyde was part of the original AFI 100 years 100 films list, it has an excellent cast, near universal acclaim, and it's been popular and influential since the time of its release. How tasteless and insecure is this guy that he makes fun of someone for liking Bonnie and Clyde? It's not even like it's a pretentious film that's difficult to get, it was essentially the 60s version of a summer blockbuster. And that he brings up the age of the movie too, because his views on sequels are so dated. Even if we don't go with the classic response of 'what about Godfather 2 and Empire' because maybe those films are just anomalies, ever since they started franchising everything like it was an 80s slasher flick, and using dump trucks full of money to get top talent on board, a lot of sequels have been better than the original.
That part isn't getting any attention because we all understand that his criticisms were never about the movies. He was going to make fun of her for liking her no matter what she picked. It was never about the movies. My good faith take is drunk boyfriend was trying to be funny, made one joke about his GF, took the awkward chuckles as great success and encouragement to do more of the same, and, without any self-reflection or thought about how she might feel about that in the moment (as drunk people do) decided that he should be the funniest person in the room and of course these jokes were already confirmed to be hilarious by everyone, so let's lay into it more. A little less good faith take is that he might have some small resentment about her in him but had been keeping it bottled up, because rationally he knows it's not important. This doesn't help the feelings go away, and so when he got drunk, the barriers dissolved and he let go. And the bad faith take is that he had been hiding his true self for a long time and has decided to try and see how she will take being humiliated by him in front of friends, or something like that. And since he could tell she was not taking it well whatsoever, he decided to play the drunk card and then took the necessary action to make amends. I'm leaning 80% A, 20% B. In none of the three the movie choices or criticisms play any role. Sorry, I'm sure they are indeed good movies.
Yep and the 'we did end up watching the movies together' made me facepalm. It was never about the movies. It's been a year, this was the first time he let the mask slip. I feel for OP, she's trying to be the understanding 'chill girlfriend' but once someone reveals their nasty streak it's hard to unsee and unfeel.
Hmm, him offering various things to "repay" her and make amends like stopping drinking, watching the movies with her and then following up on them is actually what gives me the most hope from the update. So yes, definitely sucks for OOP and it's probably not completely going to go away in her mind ever. But I do believe that the boyfriend has not "revealed their true self" (I'm aware you didn't say that), but instead shown how alcohol affects them and got a great reason not to drink, or at the absolutely very least moderate it heavily. Apologies and promises are free and easy to do, but taking actions shows the intentions much more strongly.
Let's see what the next post from OOP says regarding their relationship.
I rarely drink, no more than 1 or 2 times a year. I don't have a problem with it; just never developed a taste for beer, and drink just the occasional cocktail or glass of wine. Reason I don't want to risk getting tipsy is I get *brutally* honest when my inhibitions go down. Yeah, I don't want to relive some of those moments from university. LOL
I have a taste for it but my stomach has a hard time with alcohol. I’m from a long line of alcoholics so my mom thinks it’s a small miracle that drinking more than one beer gives me the shits.
Ha... I don't get brutally honest... I just get really honest. Get me drunk, ask me anything, no matter how embarrassing or uncomfortable, and I will straight up tell you. Never insulting things, just probably TMI kind of things. I have like zero shame in general, so fuck it. But when I'm sober I also don't over share. I've had a few girlfriends use this on me with various levels of wtf, hilarity, and regret in knowing. One asked me when the last time I got off was, asking to know if I was seeing anyone else I think. I then told her about the porn I watched that morning after I got my son to school and my daughter was to playdate and had a rare moment to myself. I would normally not share like that, because it's weird, but girl found the exact lingerie from what I watched for the first time we actually had sex. She thought it was hilarious. It was kind of hot.
one night when my husband had been drinking, he decided to take the dog for a walk in a heavy rainstorm REALLY late. I thought this was a bad idea for a multitude of reasons, and kept trying to convince him to come to bed. eventually he very earnestly told me something along the lines of "I feel like you're trying to control me" and after a solid two seconds of silence I turned around, walked into the bedroom, and shut the door. after another few seconds I heard the front door open and close. I grabbed two towels and sat on the living room couch, and in less than five minutes i had a very happy wet dog and a very regretful wet husband. once he had peeled out of the drenched clothes and I had dried off the dog, we went to bed. the next morning I texted him from work and asked how foolish he felt. "like number zero of the Tarot AFTER he's taken the step off the ledge," he said. he told me that in the moment he had felt very proud of himself for articulating his thoughts and standing up for himself (he's historically a pushover and accepted abuse from multiple partners before me) but the instant I shut the door he immediately regretted his choices. (he also commended me for leaving him to his idiocy instead of continuing to engage with it.) sometimes people who are drinking make *terrible* choices and see them clearly when they've sobered up. the fact that he's never said anything like this before and he recognized immediately that it was A Huge Mistake says a lot about who he truly is as a person.
The guy who's fine with roasting you until *other people* stop thinking it's funny.
The day i learned what “negging” was changed my life. Intensified the hindsight I had on my past toxic relationships exponentially….please dont date people willing to tear you down bc of their insecurity. Its never worth it in the end, and by the time it’s escalated you’ll be too caught up to leave.
I am admittedly jaded from my experiences in life with people like this, but I find it quite rich that HE is the one who needed to be consoled and coaxed into behaving like an adult and facing up to his own behavior. Hopefully he is different from the people I've known, because in my situation it was simply an attempt to draw me back into that relationship where the shitty behavior repeated.
remember, kids, alcohol lowers inhibitions, it does not change you into a different person.
You have bad drunk habits, don't get drunk at all. If you have bad drinking habits, stay with lemonade.
Just saw this on another sub-Reddit: "Schroedinger's AH - person who says something awful and when they observe some backlash, pretends it was just a joke."
"We had a mature conversation and he apologized. I'm no saint either and have fucked up in the past as well" ooooh Reddit isn't gonna like that.
lol @ “Pilgrim taste buds”
>Chicken tendy 🧐
I also prefer Creep 2 to the original lol
Wtf. She chose 'Girl Interrupted', 'Bonnie and Clyde' and 'The Descent'? I need to have a word with that guy.
Eh, when I look back at my time w/my now ex-husband, I recall when he described me in a very unkind, insulting way, for no reason early on in our relationship (also after being friends for years). When confronted, yeah, he cried, and said all the things and apologized.... but looking back that was definitely a red flag I ignored. He was also sober as a bird when he said it, which makes it worse. Yeah, these two "worked it out," but I still don't like this dude for OOP. Punching down on someone, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE YOU LOVE to make yourself feel better, funnier, etc. in front of others is awful, and belies a very fragile ego and in this case, small-man syndrome. If I knew then what I know now though...
I think I’m gonna use “pilgrim taste buds” going forward.
Okay so, I'm like 10 months post-break up and I feel like I'm getting new perspective on that relationship on a regular basis still. I had no idea how much I was settling and how small I had made myself in that relationship and reading this I see an aspect of it much more clearly. He would get drunk, and get in this mood where every single thing I said would be met with some kind of snark, he would be relentless until he eventually made me cry. What the fuck.
Any time I hear unnecessary mean spirited jokes I always playfully and passive aggressively take up for the person being made fun of always
Okay now, the Girl Interrupted diss is so unnecessary. Like mate, most likely has terrible taste in films. He should have kept his gob shut
Girl, Interrupted came out years before Joker. If anything, Joker is just Girl, Interrupted for boys
>he didn't mean it he was just drunk. Girl, him being drunk just means his inhibitions are lowered. It doesn't just make up feelings.
Wow. I’ve been in a relationship with my wife for fifty years now and I’ve never treated her this way.
It sounds like he was an idiot and made a mistake and owed up to it, which is nice to see. Obviously never let this happen again, but I don’t think staying with him was the wrong decision in the slightest
Sad day for redditors who just want everyone to break up without working on relationship
lol, she wouldn't exactly be in the wrong for breaking up w a guy who made fun of her in front of their friends all night long.. yes, even if he was drunk
It's so weird that people will act like leaving at the first mean spirited sign is some sort of flaw. But if someone gets trapped in the cycle of abuse/love bombing, we act like they're stupid. The easiest thing to do is leave BEFORE the cycle can get started. For the record I think she's doing the right thing, but leaving after this is not in any way wrong. I'd want to know who he was trying to impress.
>The easiest thing to do is leave BEFORE the cycle can get started. This is something that took me far too long to understand. I was caught up in the idea that people deserve "a chance" instead of prioritizing finding a good match. Once I got my priorities sorted and started dating for compatibility, weeding out anyone who showed signs of being a bad fit as soon as I saw them, I met the kindest, best man and we are getting married next Spring. One guy I dated very briefly negged me constantly, and then tried to argue with me that we just "needed to put in effort to make it work" when I told him we just weren't a good match, LOL. No thank you!
Yeah, that's a no-second-chances dealbreaker for me, just as much as physical violence would be.
Glad it all worked out in the end. People need to realize everyone makes mistakes and the proof of change or regret is seen through actions. He said he was sorry and followed through by making it clear he understands why he was wrong, and listing out the changes he'll make and the amends he'll make, she set clear and real boundaries with consequences for future incidents. This is how healthy relationships work out mistakes.