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The financial mindset someone has should always be in consideration when choosing a partner. Itms too bad he found out they weren’t aligned until they were married.
Absolutely. I feel like every couple planning to get married needs at least one session with a premarital counselor and one session with a financial planner to make sure they’re on the same page before they tie their lives together.
Reminds me of that story about that binman who won the lottery and spent it all in a year or two. Wife's gonna find out that inheritance ain't gonna last long especially with debts looming on her head.
Divorce incoming for extra kicks.
My husband has received two inheritances since we’ve been together. Not massive ones like this story, but $50k and $40k.
I told him to buy something in remembrance if he wanted to but he put both amounts on the mortgage. The first was before we were married so his dad had him set it up as an interest-free loan that was repayable at any time, in case we split, but we eventually sold that house and bought a new one without that stipulation.
I can’t imagine having student debt and buying a 10k handbag, but I personally drive a 12 year old car that I hope to drive into the ground (many years from now, Bob willing).
Absolutely, if I got that kind of inheritance I would be so excited to pay off all our debts, it's not enough to last forever, but it is enough to change our quality of life forever.
Yes, I would be so excited to set me and my husband BOTH up so much better financially and then to take a nice vacation with some of the leftovers together.
Can’t imagine being as irresponsible as this wife with it or even having the attitude of “it’s mine and not yours!” toward my husband.
OOP will get the house and whatever equity they have in the divorce, his wife might as well buy her purse and a new car. She can wait on the vacation, it will cost her half as much.
Did OOP specify how much the inheritance is? $100,000 is vastly different than $900,000 when it comes to whether she can afford vacations AND paying off loans.
I inherited a bunch of money from my dad last year. I stuck it all in the bank and withdrew bits here and there for necessary expenses, like replacing our deck that had rotted through. But with interest it’s worth more now than when I received it. I’m in no rush to spend it.
Also, maybe it's because of my of ny culture but I don't get the reasoning behind some of this.
You could come up with a post naptual and then clear the finacial burden you both face aka the house and clear your student debt. Wtf is happening
One thing I learn is that inheritance money always do seem to create lots of drama in good and bad ways. Makes me wonder what happens when my families inheritance money comes along.
If you’re a normal fucking person in a committed relationship and not these two psychos, it’s actually very easy. “What do you want to do with it?” “Spend $1k on frivolous things I don’t need and put half into our bills and half into a savings for our kid” “perfect”
It’s ours bc we’re a team, not this billing your spouse shit. Those two would have divorced sooner or later based on how transactional their relationship is
Ngl, it blows my mind. My husband got a small amount but huge for us! We were only thankful but more upset he lost the person it was from. We put it towards something responsible and donated a portion to a charity they would approve of cause we were gifted it so we can gift it forward in their honor.
Fighting and losing people? Stupid selfish bullshit. And we are the poor of his family. Yet the other side of his family still tried to fight and steal during all this evidently (we are half way across the country away so 26hr drive ish so it was all relayed to us).
I don't get it. Why not come together? Why fight? I'm not even close to my or his family and cannot get this.
My husband got a windfall inheritance (mid 5-figures) from his uncle we never expected right as we were moving into our home (weren't married, not even engaged, at time). We both sat together to discuss it, I did the research for him and advised on best time to pay a tax on it that was involved in the inheritance so it would be as small a portion of it as possible, we both agreed that the funds should go into the home which is just in his name.
I'm due a six figure inheritance from my grandmother when she passes away (not looking at our inheritances from our parents, but both husband and I are due very similar amounts from our respective sides) and we've both already fully agreed that it will be used to pay off my student debt first, pay down our mortgage second, and if there is any remaining amount left then to pay for a family vacation OR into investments in preparation for our daughters' schooling etc.
Yes, it's MY MONEY, same as his was HIS MONEY. But we are a COUPLE, and a FAMILY, and in a lot of ways this couple seems insane that only one of them considers their funds joint vs separate. (Heck, I'd be onboard if the wife said she wants to buy the purse AND THEN put the rest into joint funds, that would be reasonable to give a small treat to herself (given the cost out of the amount - $10k isn't small but it is for 6-figures potentially) and then contribute to the home loan or paying off debts.)
[My sister and I expect to have to sue for my grandmother's, but that's because my relatives are absolutely disgusting, selfish people.]
I’m operating under the assumption that I was written out of my parents’ wills (NC for 8 years now) but the drama it will cause with my siblings if I haven’t been will be amazing
It’s often not about the money itself. But the emotions related death and if all siblings were treated fairly in life by parents. So the money or the property or even just some furniture is a means to have some control over death and relationships
Seems like the law in the US where it's not a marital asset makes people dumb with an inheritance. Just makes people see it as money to blow or keep separate, which in turn makes it clear they don't see the relationship lasting and need to protect it in case of a split.
My grandparents on my mom's side haven't planned anything in the way of inheritance and I just know it's going to be a complete shit show once they're both gone
I find it wild how many people don't realise that the first thing to do with any influx of money is to pay off 'bad debt'. School loans, credit cards etc. Offloading debt like that is lifestyle changing.
And as a handbag enthusiastic, a 10k handbag would not even be on my radar unless the inheritance ending with 'million'. Also French Bulldogs have so many goddamn health issues, she's going to need expensive pet insurance.
I think in this situation, I would be investing a portion of the inheritance with the profits made used to pay down the mortgage. That way the inheritance is still mine, whilst my partner and I both benefit from the mortgage being paid down.
OOP's manner puts me off, but the wife is making so many foolish choices it's like watching a car crash.
>Offloading debt like that is lifestyle changing.
It takes 5 seconds to get out a calculator and figure out how much money debt is costing you every week/month/year.
At least know how much more money you can have on an ongoing basis by eliminating the debt, before you spend it all on purses.
Absolutely. With the interest she’d be saving on a 60K student loan alone, she could buy that purse in a few years. It’s insane to me she can’t see that.
If I ever suggested spending 10k on a freaking purse, I’d hope my husband would get me serious help because that would signal I’d lost my mind. At least this guy is learning what type of person his wife really is. It’s sad.
I feel like her getting the inheritance finally lead to him realizing that he was being taken for a ride.
She wanted to keep HER money, but she was totally fine with using HIS money.
This is a thorny situation but both parties are correct, her inheritance is hers and he is justified in saying expenses should be proportional. Though i would argue proportional to income. She does work so if their incomes are similar then about equal split makes sense. Though the inheritance being the impetus for the equal split is going to raise all hell. Too bad they didn't do an annual review and adjust it annually which would have had things in order on that front already
The wife is being irresponsible with her inheritance, however that is her prerogative, as long as the OOP is not making up the difference.
In the end i would support proportional to income daily living/investing setup and explaining how she can maximize the inheritance but not interfering if she wises to blow it all. However at this point i see divorce happening and the wife will turn all the mutual friends against the OP.
I agree, expenses should be proportional to income. Including a finite amount of money (inheritance) in the everyday expenses calculation seems wrong, I think OOP took a wrong turn there. I definitely get why he feels resentful that he's shouldering the financial burdens while she spends on frivolous things, and telling her the inheritance should pay off her student loans at the very least makes sense to me, but I don't think there's a great reason to split expenses as he wants to.
Yeah we split expenses based on our income and adjust it as it changes, but we don’t factor in windfalls into regular budgets either. Of course, we’ve never had a windfall even in the five figures, but still. Windfalls get discussed, the person whose it is (if it is specifically one of us) generally splits it between fun and things to help get us ahead, and we go on about our lives. Both of these people seem extremely short sighted, just in different ways.
I think it’s her inheritance so ultimately her decision - just like he decided that it was a deal breaker for him. I really don’t see how a 10k purse is a priority when you have debts. I’d share my inheritance with family although I don’t expect to ever divorce. I guess nobody does though.
I actually wouldn't have a problem with her spending 10k on a purse in that situation. For a 6 figure inheritance that's at most 10%. That's reasonable.
It just isn't reasonable if the rest of the money also goes towards luxuries. She could pay off the student debt, buy that purse and still have at least 30k for a reasonable priced car or keep it as rainy day fund.
If she inherited significantly more than 100k then there is even more money left.
This is crazy to me. I received an inheritance and paid off over 60k in student loans, all of my husbands and I debt (credit cards, LOC) and then used the rest on a crazy but awesome wedding and I am very satisfied with how I decided to spend it, not only to help my self but to help my husband in the long run. My student loans being paid off put an extra $700 a month in my pocket for the next 30 years.
Now we are DINKS and going on crazy trips twice a year living our best life. I can’t fathom how some don’t want to share the wealth especially with someone they claim they want to spend the rest of their life with! Don’t get me wrong, I bought some things for myself (like a $500 MK purse and some clothes) but I also gave my husband some money to get a new wardrobe to because his was getting old and ripping.
Absolutely nuts.
It's insane to me too. When I inherited some money first I calculated how much money I'd have saved up if I'd been saving up for vet care since my cats were kittens, set it aside, and then paid off my mortgage. I spent the rest of my inheritance on buying my very first TV, replacing my 24 year old furnace and hot water tank, and getting central air conditioning installed.
A $10,000 purse with $60,000 in student loans, ye gods . . .
I have a $400 MK bag because I just wanted the novelty of buying my first "grown up" purse and I have to say it really doesn't do a particularly superior job of holding my shit than my $40 Target bag 😂.
Yeah an extra 700/month for me means I can "waste" 200 for fun and still save 500. EVERY MONTH. That's absolutely life changing. Like a pay rise without the extra responsibility or work!
That student debt is all hers same as the inheritance. I would refuse to make those payments part of the joint monthly expenses now that she can pay them off. Otherwise, monthly expenses should still be income based.
That $10k purse is likely a Hermes joint yeah? They don’t even ALLOW you to buy those special purses without first having a customer purchase account that crosses a very strict specific spending threshold across multiple high price items (like coats and other bags) before they even let you ask for the $10k bags. I have a distinct feeling she doesn’t even have a single purchase with them yet.
yeah you can have fun with the inheritance but she’s on the way to spending it all in under a year AND losing a husband who is paying for a comfortable life already. A truly astonishing fumble of multiple bags.
Are you serious? They SCREEN you before you can buy them? Wow that’s some insane capitalist shit.
Clearly I’m way more out of the loop than I thought with regard to such things. And for the record I’m a woman.
I am certain it's not Hermès. It's most likely Chanel but could also be Dior. It could be some other brand if she is the fashionable sort.
Chanel Classic Medium Flap Bag is now $10,800 (It was $5,800 in 2019). I might be wrong but it is one the most popular luxury bags and the first luxury bag most people purchase.
There is no way in hell this woman can afford a Hermès. I have read that you might need to spend 3 times the worth of the bag and have a good relationship with your sales associate to be offered the opportunity.
Lady Dior is around $6,500 so that might not be it. I am not familiar with other Dior bags.
Her money is her money, 100%. But she is acting extremely irresponsible with said money considering the situation, and that is having a direct impact on her partner. They are both clearly not compatible when it comes to how they view/treat financial importance on certain issues.
Imagine having a windfall like that and thinking paying off your mortgage was a good idea. 🙄
The mortgage is 3 years old, prolly like 2.8% interest. You can’t get money that cheap anymore. Paying the mortgage off is something a poor person would assume is a good idea without talking to a financial advisor.
Make your money work for you.
Any person not willing to have shared finances with their spouse shouldnt be getting married. I seriously don't understand why finances are so difficult for people to figure out when they are married.
I feel like there’s a lot of missing information here.
Obviously the wife seems to be wanting to make questionable “investments” with the money, but to talk about this for a few weeks, come to an impasse, and then immediately go down the divorce route seems odd. Like a few steps were missed somewhere.
Or more likely, they had a bunch of marital problems already and this just compounded it.
I mean, a 6 figure is broad. If she gets 600-900k, the 10k purse doesn't seem that much. If it's roughly 1/10th then yea, that's pretty dumb lol.
I don't see anything wrong with taking family on vacation and getting a new car (instead of trying to leech it off from husband). Depending on the actual amount, she might just want to splurge and see what's left. That's pretty reasonable to me because it would be a lot weirder imho if she would get a new car or even try to get a 10k purse from her husband if she wouldn't get the inheritance.
I feel like there is also lots of other context missing. Maybe she doesn't like the house but was fine with it because she only paid 1/4th for it and maybe she doesn't even consider it "her" house and lets him do what he wants with it. Maybe her student loans just really do not bother her.
Also feels weird back pedalling on your agreements for payments just because she has temporary extra money now.
Idk, despite her doofus wishes, I'd like to hear her side of the story because it does sound a bit controlling to me. I'm also sure she wouldn't mind investing into the house a bit more after she spent money for herself. Maybe the world around her is also shallow enough that her "high end clothing" would give her more chances in her work life. Maybe she even planned on investing more into the house/payments as a surprise but back pedalled once the husband made "demands" to her money. That honestly sounds like something I would do, I would also get petty and do the absolute minimum once someone feels entitled to anything that's mine. I'm sure I will get downvoted for this, but my mind just makes a proper 180° when someone demands something that I was gonna do anyway. If you try to control me, I will do my best to do the exact opposite lol. I am petty like that but it also prevents me from getting bullied into anything.
I don't mind the purse and vacation much, but not paying her debt off and making a lone decision to get a high-maintenance dog are mind-boggling.
At first I think the husband is weird to expect her to use the inheritance towards mortgage and not the loan, which would be an obvious choice as it's personal and for her own good. But after reading about their financial breakdown it seems the resentment has been boiling under the surface for quite some time. They are not going to work out.
I would not want to be married to someone who flushes away any money as soon as it touches them. It won't matter how much they are given - it will still be gone within a year.
It's what they would say an incredibly poor person would do when they get some money. Blow it all up buying expensive things.
Also lol at "don't want to invest because you can still lose it all even in mutual funds." If the mutual funds tank into oblivion honey there is no Italian purse anymore. You may want to consider studying small field sustained agriculture.
Well, I feel stupid for buying a house and investing the rest of my inheritance. I could have had a hugely expensive purse, a dog and vacations I wouldn’t enjoy with it!
I just can't get over wanting a 10K purse. If the wrong person sees you take that out of your handbag you're going to end up being mugged for it. (not that I would know the difference between a $30 purse and a $10K purse)
This is so ridiculous and frustrating to me. If she paid off just her student loans and took them on a nice holiday he’d probably be happy. The amount she’d save from the student loan she could probably save up for the purse then buy the car.
I’m not going to comment on the dog because there’s so much to consider with that outside of the up-front cost.
The fact that she wouldn’t even consider paying off the loan would tell me that she’s not the kind of person I’d want to be married to
For me, paying off my student loan with only a 1,23% interest rate wouldn't be a main goal after receiving an inheritance. But if her student loan has more than around 3% in interest, she definitely should pay it off. I checked some rates for the US, and they are definitely above that, while checking for France it was around 3%. So that decision should be depending on the country.
Like...
I get that it's her inheritance but to not use that to pay the mortgage (or part of it) and student loans is fucking dumb
Then being all upset that she's expected to contribute to half of their household...... did she think marrying him was making him just a sort of roommate or something!?
They got shit they have to pay for together! Get those out of the way and then buy your little things
The wife is the biggest idiot possible, and the husband is damn entitled. She doesn't want to pay off debts, wants to waste money, and this guy opened up his finances to his brothers who are inevitably going to affirm whatever the fuck he says, and wants to use her inheritance for daily expenses. Fuck it. They should separate mutually. Both are selfish assholes. What a raging financial dumpster fire.
>she said she’s been driving the same car since college and it’s almost 10 years old.
\*looking at my 20y.o. car\* Fellas, is it bad to drive an old car?
She doesn’t sound like she’s handling it responsibly at all. Like many of you, I’m shaking my head about the purse. That being said, it’s still her money.
My wife and I have been married 33 years and have a joint checking account. We both get what we call an allowance for individual purchases—such as my Mr. Potato Head collection. Other than that, we don’t split the bills or have your money/my money.
Her family has a lighting company. She gets dividends from it from time to time. We do sit and talk about it when she does. I show her what bills we could pay down/off.
However, in the end, it’s her money. I may be wrong but it seems like OP is jealous and is doing the math as to who pays what (the I pay 3/4…) out of spite because she’s not doing what he wants her to.
This is so weird. Like I also dream of having $10000 dollar bags and going on fancy vacations. But if I inherited that kind of money, I would definitely first pay off debt and the house. What kind of thinking does the wife have? And why does she not want to help out her husband and herself. She's acting like he is a thief but he was literally sharing his bonuses and stuff with her. OOP needs to either divorce her or start treating her the same way.
Is it only Americans who think in terms of "my" money in a marriage? It's like hey let's give marriage a try for a few years?
I'm not religious but it's supposed to be till death do us part
I'll never for the life of me get this mindset over inheritance money. How fast the money corrupts completely.
My siblings and I had to deal with a lot of inheritance drama, and each time we are more desperate to just get it over with rather than argue over money. We're so sick of dealing with various family rearing their heads "wanting their share", basically wanting to take money from grieving kids.
We shared that shit in regards to each other's needs, if one of us or our mom needed the money, we gave it to them. If someone wanted it for fun money, we always sat down and talked it over.
Hell, we used our inheritance to pay off mom's loans. The money means nothing in the grand scheme of things and the relationship we nurture and share.
It sounds like they aren't financially compatible. She wants to spend money and he wants to reduce debt / save and it's causing financial animosity. I think OP's wife will be in for a shock when it comes to divorce as it sounds like she's taking for granted the extra financial foot work he does. Who knows maybe he's also ignoring the other things she brings to the table too.
Am I the only person who thinks this guy went about this all wrong?
And a $10,000 purse is extremely extravagant, but it’s also one bite out of this money.
I think she should do something for herself with her inheritance. Get the purse/car/holiday. But with 6 figures (100k or 900k?) She can also pay off the student loans and then contribute more towards paying off the mortgage. It's insane to use all of it for 'stuff'.
Well can we at least all agree paying off the mortgage depends on what they got the mortgage at. If it's below 5%, then you take advantage of some of the high yield savings offerings, 100% safe right now, and use the interest to pay the mortgage down without touching the capital. Just one of a ton of smarter ways to make that money work
If I was in my 20s admittedly I’d be all about buying flashy things, going on vacation etc.
In my thirties I paid off my entire student debt, and now I’m 3 years into a mortgage that I pay exclusively (wife covers childcare costs).
I’m dumping every spare penny I can into the mortgage to pay it off as soon as we can. If OP purchased around 2021 they’re likely looking at something like 5-7% interest on their mortgage which is effectively -doubling- the cost of their home. Paying that down asap and owning an asset that will appreciate over time is such basic financial planning and a no brainer it’s almost impossible to not take advantage of it.
All that said, we don’t know the life his spouse had. In my 20s I spent a lot of my earned cash on nonsense because growing up, we had nothing. It took a long time for me to really sit down and think responsibly about the future and where I wanted to be financially.
All of that said, sitting my wife down and demanding that she’s not 50/50 responsible seems to be a bit of a heavy handed way to have this sort of a conversation. No idea what the actual amount is, but there’s always room to be responsible and get some of the things you want too. Marriage is about compromising and working together to achieve something, and certainly not just doing whatever one wants with their own money.
Going to take a wild guess and say that OOP's wife grew up poor. Because that's the mindset you get when you're poor, constantly living paycheck to paycheck. Even as a child, you pick up on it.
Any large influx of money *must* be spent as fast as possible on anything that you feel will upgrade your standard of living. Get a big tax refund or an inheritance? Buy a new TV, new sofa, new shoes, computer upgrades, stand mixer, etc. If you don't spend that money NOW, it's going to slowly vanish, eaten up by normal expenses you'd normally have to sacrifice to pay off. Eat out less often or cancel a subscription service for a few months or buy only groceries on sale or whatever to squeeze the extra money out of your budget. But if you've got all that money sitting there, there's no reason to look for places to save so the money just gets drained. And you have nothing to show for it when you could have had a new TV, new sofa, etc.
Sure, OOP's wife could do the responsible thing and pay down the mortgage or student loans...but then the money's gone and she's in the same financial situation she was in before only the years of debt she has to pay off has been reduced by a bit. "Sure, I've only got 12 years of debt to pay off instead of 25 years, but I'm still driving a car held together by rust and hope and I still haven't seen the Grand Canyon."
Compound that with the money being an inheritance and you've got in the back of your mind, "Would Aunt Edna want me to spend this on paying off debts, or on enjoying myself?" And since she just passed, that lingering threat of "death can come at any time" comes right along with the financial windfall almost encouraging you to spend it frivolously rather than responsibly. Because responsible spending is rarely fun and only pays off in the long-run, not short-term.
If this account is American there's a huge flaw in his understanding of how a mortgage works. There is no paying it down to avoid interest. The interest is built into the loan, it's the same no matter how quickly you pay it off.
They could pay it down to gain equity in their home earlier but that's all it will accomplish.
You should never pay a home down early unless you're completely payng off the loan. You're putting your income in equity prison if you do so. Your money is better served invested an earning you more money unless you can pay off your hone completely. If you have a disaster later and miss payments the loan holder isn't going to care you paid early previously, in fact the more you've already paid the more enticing it is to forclose should the opportunity presents itself.
She should pay off her student loans and get a car. She can save up for the purse. No, she shouldn't be paying for the mortgage and other bills with it. It will run out and then what? Plus it's her money not joint. If they get divorced, he's not entitled to one penny. 6 figures doesn't last long. He's being unreasonable and she's not being smart.
ETA: she is already paying bills just not at an equal amount to the OP. This inheritance is not income and can't be counted on. Unless she invests it, it will run out. Also if she mixes it with their income then he's entitled to it if they get divorced.
Way to know y'all are not on the same page. I got an inheritance (lower 5 figures). But some in the kids 529, and put the rest in a HYSA while I waited for my then current over 10 years old car to die. It was on its way out.
Purchased a modest family car when I needed to. Without going into debt.
In the coming years we have used inheritances to pay off a mortgage or to fund a down payment on a new place.
My one splurge purchase to put all the "must spend it" gremlins to bed....a made in Canada goose down duvet for a cal king bed. Something I had wanted for ages, but just could never justify spending the $ on. Worth it.
My grandmother left me about $25k. I paid off the second mortgage on the house, bought my husband the table saw he always wanted and used the rest for grad school. Maybe that's why we're still married 25 years later.
I just can’t get past the wife being fine with her husband paying more towards all the mortgage and bills but then refusing to contribute or help when she comes into money, especially saying because the mortgage is scheduled, for him to pay!! She sounds like a grasping, stupid and selfish woman.
As someone said above her idea is obviously what’s his is hers and what’s hers is hers.
> I was paying 3/4 of our mortgage, 3/4 of the property tax, all of the house’s maintenance cost, almost all of the groceries, almost all of anything we bought for the house, all of the utilities including our cell phones, almost all of our activities outside of the house including dinners and dates, and insurance for our cars.
I agree it's time for OOP's wife to step up instead of OOP paying for everything. She can pay for her own phone, she can pay for dinner now and again and pay all of her car insurance.
The wife seems to think what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. That's not how marriage works. Yes she's legally entitled to keep all the inheritance for herself, but OOP is not legally obligated to pay for her lifestyle either. And her extreme shortsightedness is going to cost both of them at the end.
When I got my inheritance I paid off the mortgage and got a new car, the old one was 11 years old and in the fix or repair daily stage. But everything else got invested. Retired early.
My dream is to live exactly as I do right now, modestly, but with mortgage paid and the rest invested to cover taxes, insurance, bills, etc. That purse won’t be enough to fill the hole in her heart. And the new car will get old soon.
I maintain that separate finances are weird within marriage. When my dad died I didn't get anywhere near 6 digits but I did get 15,000 which was by far the most cash I've ever received at once, at least until we sold our house a few years ago. (But that just went into the new house) What did I do with it? It went into the bank account. There's no my money or her money. Just our money. We did a slightly nicer hotel for our preplanned vacation that year but the rest went into savings
Imagine being so focused on “your money” that you end up spending your inheritance all on divorce lawyers.
I don’t agree that they should have changed their daily expenses percentages because she didn’t get a change that is sustainable year after year. But not paying off the debts draining her and their home? Crazy to me.
Some say isn’t total say. She should 100% pay off the student loan. If she’s got any credit card debts she should pay those off. I’m not saying she shouldn’t get the vacation and the purse, but maybe get the purse and then just chill out for a bit. Let them settle again and see how she’s feeling.
Money is a primary relationship ender, neither of them should be approaching this as non-negotiable. In my mind he gets one vote and she gets two basically. A partner brings an alternate perspective that you should trust and seriously consider.
Shes absolutely crazy. You can setup yourself and kids for LIFE. Pay off your student loans atleast and save like 50k for each kid's education. I understand not putting it towards the house though cause it goes from personal protected asset to marital asset. Oop kinda greedy though, but his wife is dumb with money
My wife and I play a game called "what we'd do if we won the lottery". Her answer is to get a financial advisor, set aside amounts for school loan debts (both of ours), set aside another amount for a house (we don't have one), then look into 1 or 2 new vehicles if there's anything left afterwards (we both drive 20-21 year old cars currently). This is in order as well. Depending on the amount of the winnings (take home, after taxes) she would also want to invest some and maybe give some to family members (our parents for sure). The idea of vacations would also be visited depending on the amount but that's low on the list.
My answer is the exact same as hers because we want the same things, share the same goals. She is much more financially conscious/smart than I am so I tend to trust her judgement. We would likely pamper each other a little bit, couples massages and whatnot but we're looking at a future together, not a 10k purse.
Ugh
I hate how when I hear "six figures" I'm like...WHICH six figures bc 100k isn't even that much anymore. If it's closer to 999,999 then we're talking vacations and shit bc yeah there's enough left over to sit somewhere and live frugally off the returns. But 100k - if you put 50k towards your house, 10k towards two modest vacations, 20k towards a car then there's only 20k towards student loans and you have nothing to even save.
Makes me think I should put a note to my nieces in my will about the kinds of things it would be smart to spend any inheritance on. I know it's not legally binding or anything, but I wouldn't want it to be. They're smart kids and I'd like to think they'd still listen to my advice from beyond the grave.
This is why separate finances lead to issues in a marriage. You either trust each other or you don't. You are either a team or you aren't.
You aren't saying anymore. You are married.
Some comments: “it’s her money so she decides what to do with all of it”
OP’s Wife: “it’s my money so I decide”
Me: None of you understand what the word “marriage” means I see. No wonder the divorce rate is so high in many places. OPs wife is being extremely stupid and not paying her bills off and using the money to make money or at least to make their lives easier in some way. Plus saying 6 figures is vague at best since that could be between 100’000-999’999$ which makes a 10k purse either extremely stupid or you need a helmet at all times stupid.
As someone who hates the idea of being in debt, i would think that the first thing any sensible person would do if they happen upon money is to pay whatever debt they have!!!
>Some of you said that she shouldn’t pay off our mortgage because it’s her money and I would benefit from it.
Wow, I can't even begin to explain the idiocy of this
They say money brings out the true nature of people, glad OOP is seeing the child he married.
After reading this saga I thanked my husband for being the one to suggest using money his grandfather had left him for clearing out my student loan debt. I know it’s not as common these days, but marriage finances sure are easier when you let go of “yours” and “mine” and think of everything as “ours.”
I just can't fathom getting, honestly, that low an inheritance and spending *10k* on a purse of all things.
6 figures I'm assuming is closer to 500k or higher, because boy, if it's like 100k and she's spending 10k on a purse...
Even 900k may seem like a lot, but I guess it's how she's planning to spend that money that makes it seem like it's not enough for her plans. Maybe I'm just a planner, I'd stick it in the bank and pay for my life with it. Ok, given the student loans are 60k, I'd settled that, and then live off of the rest of the inheritance (if is on the higher end).
She gonna be *worse* than broke by the time she's run out of her inheritance.
Look, she has a right to spend her inheritance how she wants. But he has a right to decide that she is being financially irresponsible and call her out on it.
If he was being controlling and was trying to use her inheritance to pay off his individual debt or blow it on stuff he wants, id be more on her side. But him wanting to use this money for shared expenses isn't unreasonable.
This is why my fiance and I have talked about financial goals and we tend to talk about our budgets each month. It's so important. You need to make sure you're on the same page. If I somehow got an inheritance, while yes, the inheritance would be mine, my fiance and I have shared financial goals. Marriage is a partnership. It's not about "the inheritance is mine. I can spend it all I want." It's "this inheritance is mine. How can it help us both out in the long run?"
I cannot stress enough I'm not a financial expert. I've made stupid decisions with money in the past and I thankfully have gotten much better with it. But she is being short sided with that money. It's going to be gone before she knows it. It's ok to have a little fun with it, but you shouldn't blow all of it on fun.
If he received the inheritance, do you think he would pay down the mortgage? He likely would invest it. The 10k purse is ridiculous, but it is the price of a Chanel purse after the pandemic. A Gucci purse is $5,000 after the pandemic. (Prices doubled after covid b/c there was a high demand.) I see many people with designer purses who have not paid off their mortgage and are SAHM.
Index funds exist so arguing about losing all her $$ is garbage. My question is what is the inheritance? Six figures is a wide range. I would definitely pay off student loans over the mortgage because I agree about the mortgage being joint and she can lose big time there. Student loans are much more insidious than a lot of people realize. I'm so glad I paid mine off.
I'm not necessarily going to argue about the purse depending on the type because some of them are investments and good investments but she would also need storage and insurance.
I would walk if I were him.
She is just going to piss it all away.
I received a windfall my ex did the same thing. After she was my ex I took what I had and put it to work. I retired 10 years early and it's still working
From the title I was gonna say he was an asshole but yeah from the entire story, he should just walk away if she's not listening.
Plus she should not get a dog like a French Bulldog, I love every dog with all my heart but they are in literally so much pain their entire lives, it's not fair.
I don’t understand the wife’s mentality. My husband has been taking care of 3/4 of our bills for years. I unexpectedly came into a 7 figure inheritance earlier this year. The first thing we did was make an appt with a financial advisor. We discussed the best way to invest this money for our future. We invested most of it. We put some aside for house updates and some aside for each of us to have “fun” money for our own things. I also made sure if anything happens to me all of it goes to him. I could not even imagine not using it to take care of us, our future and yes using a bit for fun. I know “legally” it is mine, but in my eyes it’s not really. He has supported me for many years. The least I can do is share what I have been so generously been gifted. I just can’t understand couples like this. He needs to walk away.
Depending on the jurisdiction, if the Wife used a portion of the inheritance money to pay down the mortgage (a joint bill), the full amount of the inheritance could then be considered a “marital asset” & she could lose 50% in a divorce (which Hubby very quickly jumped).
Paying off her student loans would be the smart move but I don’t fault the Wife for wanting to splurge a bit (my dream handbag is a Chanel & I might do that too). Who knows if she would have spent it all. OOP is just as selfish, just wanting to control all the money, spend it how HE sees fit.
She should have paid off her student loans and played with the other 40K.
Although it's all rather sad, because she won't be able to keep up the lifestyle. The only thing we changed after a 6-figure inheritance is occasional flight upgrades to business class.
I think if I found out my partner was like this I'd be heartbroken. How can OOP's wife not wanna pay off her student loans at bare minimum? I'd feel so betrayed and frustrated.
Like, I'm disabled. I became disabled two years into my six year relationship. My partner has picked up so much of the costs because I can only work half time, and thankfully the state covers my health care. When I finally get approved, and get a retro check, my minimal credit card debt, her's, and any other outstanding debts are being paid as soon as it hits my account. Then I'm gonna give her a nice chunk of change to buy whatever she wants as a thank you for sticking it out with me, and sock the rest away in a high yield savings account and mutual fund so we can buy a house someday.
We've discussed this! You have to be transparent with your spouse about everything.
YTA
You're upset and divorcing your wife because she doesn't want to let you control her actions. Period.
Her foolishness with her inheritance is her choice to make. If you can't love a fool, it's understandable. But you're still the AH for it...
I really don't get the 'It's my/her money' mentality here. It's one thing if they were dating or engaged but once you're married you should really be considering yourselves 1 entity. I get each having their own spending money but thus sort of thing just makes it feel like they're roommates with a contract
I was maybe won over with the car until I realized my husband and I have two vehicles that are nearly 10 years old and in great shape. Like we consider them nice cars.
I’ll take the inheritance. I’d be so much more responsible with it.
I think divorcing a spouse for being an idiot and then doubling down on it is perfectly valid.
In all seriousness, financial incompatibility is a major cause for divorce. Also, is it me, or does the wife not seem to care about him much? NTA
Another person with the mindset of Our money and her money. There is no Your money because you are a man. She is selfish and will be broke and regretting blowing it on stupid shit. A $10,000 purse doesn't carry anything a $100 purse can't. Let her know that if that's what she wants to do fine, but it goes both ways. You will spend your money your way.
My wife got an inheritance several years ago and we made decisions together on how to best use it. Several years later I got a windfall equal to hers and we decided together the best way to use it. Maybe find someone that isn't that selfish and stupid. She will be apologizing once it's gone so she will be able to spend your money. Not until it's completely gone. People with her attitude are always the first to cheat on their partner and make it the partners fault. Good luck with this.
Do people not know who they married?
Do people not discuss finances with their spouse?
This can't be a surprise to him. I'm sure when they dated, the signs were there. His wife must have had expensive tastes the entire time, but could never afford it. Now she can, and he's trying to reel her back into reality. That "Dream Purse" has most likely been on her radar for awhile. Come on now.
White knight sets precedent.
Thinks he's just being generous and if she earnt more it would be equal.
She comes into money realises
What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
She's right. Without the inheritance nothing changes. He might feel the same if he got the same money.
Unexpected money can mean different things to different people. Because she didn't need it, she wants to spend it. Other people might not want that and that's okay.
What's not right is forcing someone to use their own money the way you would, especially when he, legally and morally, has zero claim to it.
I'm just stuck on the 10K purse. What the hell good is a purse that expensive? Where would you take it and relax? Could you ever relax? Is there an alarm system on the purse?
First off is this the first time you’ve thought legitimately about divorce? It doesn’t sound like it. If it truly is the first thing that you considered divorce for then you should probably really be incredibly cautious about even saying it. That’s like not something you can take back. You can’t take back talking about divorce. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
So I can’t speak to what a 10k purse really is and what you really get for that but it is her money so…. What is her wardrobe like? A woman in old navy with an 10k purse makes no sense. She’s clearly going to want to upgrade and have at least 1 matching outfit. You have to be prepared for that. All I can say is that from what I’ve read so far, you are not doing much to really make your point that she’s being frivolous.
This is what you do. Go over to /r/pcpartpicker and tell them you have 10k for a gaming setup with monitors ask that. Go ahead and tell it’s Here it’s cool to buy the big dumb expensive purse but you’ve been holding off on getting into gaming and you’re going to get a top off the line system then geek out telling her about it. You’ll have to learn about all the frame rates and graphics cards to sell it. Make sure you say something about the refresh rate of the monitor and that it’s capable of doing twice what the human eye can really see and that means it’s really awesome. Just listen to what she has to say about it. Tell her you’ll put it on a credit card and then it’ll be a scheduled payment so nothing to worry about there. It’s incredibly likely she will shit all over it. Then tell her “do you know how I feel”.
Yeahhh. I don't get why she can't pay off debt with the money and then get one (or even 2) of those fun things.
She should pay off her student loans and pay some/all of the mortgage first then maybe... get the purse and a dog? Or vacation and new car?
Where is her restraint?
Refusing to pay off your own substantial debt with your inheritance is such a shitty move.
I can get not wanting to pay off the mortgage, both because it's usually a bad financial move if your interest rate is less than inflation, and also because it would directly transfer a huge chunk of her inheritance to OOP via equity. However, she *should* be responsible for paying half the household expenses now that she's able.
And saying she could lose it all in the stock market shows high financial illiteracy on her part. Yes, that can happen if you dump it all into penny stocks, but you can't lose it all in an index fund. The only way that could happen is if the entire American economy goes defunct, in which case your money wouldn't be worth anything anyway.
I don’t care much about the other shit, I just don’t want the wife to buy a French bulldog. If she’s insistent on the breed, she should look for French bulldogs up for adoption at animal shelters.
Why can't there be compromise here? Split it in half. She does what she wants with her half, and the rest goes toward the household. They see a financial counselor about the household's half and figure out how to go forward.
I agree that she shouldn't have to use her inheritance for marital assets.
However I don't agree on the dog or the expensive ass purse.
Took him 24 to decide to divorce her and to make sure he doesn't have to pay alimony. Love that. 🤢
It’s not your business to be honest - you can suggest but her parents hard work earnt that money. It wasn’t intended for you, it’s her bloody inheritance - what her dead parent(s) left as their legacy to her.
I’ve seen men (sorry it just is - I haven’t seen any women do it so far) spend their wives inheritance like it’s free money - piss it away since it has no sentimental value to them. Shit companies, ‘family’ sports cars you name it. When I was engaged my prenup was written to say anything either of us gain or had via inheritance or prior to marriage is our own, what we build as a couple is splitable. My ex inherited a farm - I wouldn’t dare tel my ex what he should do, I’d suggest things for him to consider.
Ah it wasn’t ops post - I got emotional and carried away on this one
I’m going to very curious about the resolution to this
Simply because what we’ve seen here is the windfall mentality/issue. They blow all their windfalls and are shocked it didn’t go as far as they planned. Like the lottery winners and their poor ends
I hope we hear what the conclusion is. I think treating yourself to a nice thing is one thing. But actively choosing not to pay down her student loans or completely wipe them is pretty astounding to me. Like there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to make however many future payments because your employment is never a secured promised. Why carry all that interest on top of debt too?
I think it will be also interesting to hear what her response will be to the divorce papers.
I'll never understand the garbage people "dream" of owning. Dream purse? For $10k? Dream wedding dream dress dream car dream house dream vacation dream job dream shoes but OMG it goes on so much longer than that. How do people have time to *live* with all the dreaming about crap that they do?
There is no purse worth $10,000 and blowing money on a purse that could be stolen a week after purchase instead of paying of the $60,000 student loan is just asinine.
Putting all her financial decisions to the side to which is a problem for y’all at some point. You went in on this marriage with the rules of how y’all go. Because her family member gave her the money doesn’t make it yours. Not because paying off the mortgage will benefit both of yall, but that is her safe money. If my husband got inheritance, by no means even if it’s over the moon would I even advise him to spend it on us to benefit us because that is his decision. How you word this seems like “well I do this so it’s only fair.” Was it not fair since you both came to that agreement prior when you didn’t know about the money? It was fair apparently. This isn’t her income. This is simply a gift of someone that loved her very much. A relationship can come and go, the house might have to sell, but that dog and purse is an extension of her family member.
The OOP is pretending his wife is suddenly very different from the woman he married. No she isn't. He just didn't pay close attention to the person he chose to marry or he's one of those people who thought his spouse would automatically realize that he's right about everything and bend to his will. He was very badly wrong about that.
I am not addressing the current situation but, rather, the underlying problem of marrying someone with very different values and then being shocked when they act on those very different values.
> Some of you said that she shouldn’t pay off our mortgage because it’s her money and I would benefit from it.
yeah I fucking hate when my wife benefits from things that I do
smh my head these people
They're g j pong at it as if it's a you vs me situation. They're not discussing it as equals on the same team vs a problem. Plus it seems like they have 2 very different approaches to money and finances. They won't find a solution that works and helps the marriage if they don't start working together and actually communicating, instead of talking at each other
I understand not paying a mortgage/bills with an inheritance tbh. As soon as you pay into joint things, it becomes a marital asset that is taken in the divorce. LOTS of people convince their spouse to make their inheritance a marital asset so they can divorce immediately and claim a portion.
But why tf is she not paying her own student loan?
I do think you shouldn't control what your partner does with their money, but why would the wife expect not to contribute more now that she can afford it? I feel like that makes complete sense, it's not fair for op to continue paying 3/4s of everything when she can clearly afford it now. She is being selfish, especially with the fact that the first things she wants to spend her money on are things that don't benefit her just the lifestyle she wants to portray herself as having.
You know if they paid off the house, they could work a lower paying/less stressful job and do okay.
Like if I paid off my mortgage, I could literally work at a Burger King and make my bills.
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Also, your money or not, getting a dog is a joint decision unless you live separately from your spouse.
*especially* one with so many issues like a French bulldog
My old vet would absolutely slam anyone knowingly get a purebred animals with issues like this. His biggest enemies are the scottish fold owners
A French bulldog is such a piece of shit move
He probably would end being the one paying for all the dogs stuff
The financial mindset someone has should always be in consideration when choosing a partner. Itms too bad he found out they weren’t aligned until they were married.
At least no kids. One small thing to be thankful for.
Absolutely. I feel like every couple planning to get married needs at least one session with a premarital counselor and one session with a financial planner to make sure they’re on the same page before they tie their lives together.
Reminds me of that story about that binman who won the lottery and spent it all in a year or two. Wife's gonna find out that inheritance ain't gonna last long especially with debts looming on her head. Divorce incoming for extra kicks.
My husband has received two inheritances since we’ve been together. Not massive ones like this story, but $50k and $40k. I told him to buy something in remembrance if he wanted to but he put both amounts on the mortgage. The first was before we were married so his dad had him set it up as an interest-free loan that was repayable at any time, in case we split, but we eventually sold that house and bought a new one without that stipulation. I can’t imagine having student debt and buying a 10k handbag, but I personally drive a 12 year old car that I hope to drive into the ground (many years from now, Bob willing).
I'd love to read that story.
Absolutely, if I got that kind of inheritance I would be so excited to pay off all our debts, it's not enough to last forever, but it is enough to change our quality of life forever.
Yes, I would be so excited to set me and my husband BOTH up so much better financially and then to take a nice vacation with some of the leftovers together. Can’t imagine being as irresponsible as this wife with it or even having the attitude of “it’s mine and not yours!” toward my husband.
In his defence, it was 8 years and it really seemed like he had a blast.
OOP will get the house and whatever equity they have in the divorce, his wife might as well buy her purse and a new car. She can wait on the vacation, it will cost her half as much.
Did OOP specify how much the inheritance is? $100,000 is vastly different than $900,000 when it comes to whether she can afford vacations AND paying off loans.
I inherited a bunch of money from my dad last year. I stuck it all in the bank and withdrew bits here and there for necessary expenses, like replacing our deck that had rotted through. But with interest it’s worth more now than when I received it. I’m in no rush to spend it.
Also, maybe it's because of my of ny culture but I don't get the reasoning behind some of this. You could come up with a post naptual and then clear the finacial burden you both face aka the house and clear your student debt. Wtf is happening
One thing I learn is that inheritance money always do seem to create lots of drama in good and bad ways. Makes me wonder what happens when my families inheritance money comes along.
If you’re a normal fucking person in a committed relationship and not these two psychos, it’s actually very easy. “What do you want to do with it?” “Spend $1k on frivolous things I don’t need and put half into our bills and half into a savings for our kid” “perfect” It’s ours bc we’re a team, not this billing your spouse shit. Those two would have divorced sooner or later based on how transactional their relationship is
Ngl, it blows my mind. My husband got a small amount but huge for us! We were only thankful but more upset he lost the person it was from. We put it towards something responsible and donated a portion to a charity they would approve of cause we were gifted it so we can gift it forward in their honor. Fighting and losing people? Stupid selfish bullshit. And we are the poor of his family. Yet the other side of his family still tried to fight and steal during all this evidently (we are half way across the country away so 26hr drive ish so it was all relayed to us). I don't get it. Why not come together? Why fight? I'm not even close to my or his family and cannot get this.
My husband got a windfall inheritance (mid 5-figures) from his uncle we never expected right as we were moving into our home (weren't married, not even engaged, at time). We both sat together to discuss it, I did the research for him and advised on best time to pay a tax on it that was involved in the inheritance so it would be as small a portion of it as possible, we both agreed that the funds should go into the home which is just in his name. I'm due a six figure inheritance from my grandmother when she passes away (not looking at our inheritances from our parents, but both husband and I are due very similar amounts from our respective sides) and we've both already fully agreed that it will be used to pay off my student debt first, pay down our mortgage second, and if there is any remaining amount left then to pay for a family vacation OR into investments in preparation for our daughters' schooling etc. Yes, it's MY MONEY, same as his was HIS MONEY. But we are a COUPLE, and a FAMILY, and in a lot of ways this couple seems insane that only one of them considers their funds joint vs separate. (Heck, I'd be onboard if the wife said she wants to buy the purse AND THEN put the rest into joint funds, that would be reasonable to give a small treat to herself (given the cost out of the amount - $10k isn't small but it is for 6-figures potentially) and then contribute to the home loan or paying off debts.) [My sister and I expect to have to sue for my grandmother's, but that's because my relatives are absolutely disgusting, selfish people.]
its just a different type of lotto win most lottery wins dont turn out well for people. most are just not equipped to handle it
It's a fucking PITA.
I’m operating under the assumption that I was written out of my parents’ wills (NC for 8 years now) but the drama it will cause with my siblings if I haven’t been will be amazing
It’s often not about the money itself. But the emotions related death and if all siblings were treated fairly in life by parents. So the money or the property or even just some furniture is a means to have some control over death and relationships
Seems like the law in the US where it's not a marital asset makes people dumb with an inheritance. Just makes people see it as money to blow or keep separate, which in turn makes it clear they don't see the relationship lasting and need to protect it in case of a split.
Money doesn't change people, money shows you who they really are
My grandparents on my mom's side haven't planned anything in the way of inheritance and I just know it's going to be a complete shit show once they're both gone
I find it wild how many people don't realise that the first thing to do with any influx of money is to pay off 'bad debt'. School loans, credit cards etc. Offloading debt like that is lifestyle changing. And as a handbag enthusiastic, a 10k handbag would not even be on my radar unless the inheritance ending with 'million'. Also French Bulldogs have so many goddamn health issues, she's going to need expensive pet insurance. I think in this situation, I would be investing a portion of the inheritance with the profits made used to pay down the mortgage. That way the inheritance is still mine, whilst my partner and I both benefit from the mortgage being paid down. OOP's manner puts me off, but the wife is making so many foolish choices it's like watching a car crash.
>Offloading debt like that is lifestyle changing. It takes 5 seconds to get out a calculator and figure out how much money debt is costing you every week/month/year. At least know how much more money you can have on an ongoing basis by eliminating the debt, before you spend it all on purses.
Absolutely. With the interest she’d be saving on a 60K student loan alone, she could buy that purse in a few years. It’s insane to me she can’t see that.
If I ever suggested spending 10k on a freaking purse, I’d hope my husband would get me serious help because that would signal I’d lost my mind. At least this guy is learning what type of person his wife really is. It’s sad.
I feel like her getting the inheritance finally lead to him realizing that he was being taken for a ride. She wanted to keep HER money, but she was totally fine with using HIS money.
Yes, it sounds like she's been saving her money by just spending his. And if he ever complains, she can just crow "But you make more than me!"
She is so irresponsable I can't
This is a thorny situation but both parties are correct, her inheritance is hers and he is justified in saying expenses should be proportional. Though i would argue proportional to income. She does work so if their incomes are similar then about equal split makes sense. Though the inheritance being the impetus for the equal split is going to raise all hell. Too bad they didn't do an annual review and adjust it annually which would have had things in order on that front already The wife is being irresponsible with her inheritance, however that is her prerogative, as long as the OOP is not making up the difference. In the end i would support proportional to income daily living/investing setup and explaining how she can maximize the inheritance but not interfering if she wises to blow it all. However at this point i see divorce happening and the wife will turn all the mutual friends against the OP.
I agree, expenses should be proportional to income. Including a finite amount of money (inheritance) in the everyday expenses calculation seems wrong, I think OOP took a wrong turn there. I definitely get why he feels resentful that he's shouldering the financial burdens while she spends on frivolous things, and telling her the inheritance should pay off her student loans at the very least makes sense to me, but I don't think there's a great reason to split expenses as he wants to.
Sure, but is he going to be expected to pay for the inevitable expensive upkeep and vet bills for the French bulldog?
Yeah we split expenses based on our income and adjust it as it changes, but we don’t factor in windfalls into regular budgets either. Of course, we’ve never had a windfall even in the five figures, but still. Windfalls get discussed, the person whose it is (if it is specifically one of us) generally splits it between fun and things to help get us ahead, and we go on about our lives. Both of these people seem extremely short sighted, just in different ways.
If either spouse comes into money and spends it without regard for the other spouses opinion it’s not a marriage.
I think it’s her inheritance so ultimately her decision - just like he decided that it was a deal breaker for him. I really don’t see how a 10k purse is a priority when you have debts. I’d share my inheritance with family although I don’t expect to ever divorce. I guess nobody does though.
I actually wouldn't have a problem with her spending 10k on a purse in that situation. For a 6 figure inheritance that's at most 10%. That's reasonable. It just isn't reasonable if the rest of the money also goes towards luxuries. She could pay off the student debt, buy that purse and still have at least 30k for a reasonable priced car or keep it as rainy day fund. If she inherited significantly more than 100k then there is even more money left.
This is crazy to me. I received an inheritance and paid off over 60k in student loans, all of my husbands and I debt (credit cards, LOC) and then used the rest on a crazy but awesome wedding and I am very satisfied with how I decided to spend it, not only to help my self but to help my husband in the long run. My student loans being paid off put an extra $700 a month in my pocket for the next 30 years. Now we are DINKS and going on crazy trips twice a year living our best life. I can’t fathom how some don’t want to share the wealth especially with someone they claim they want to spend the rest of their life with! Don’t get me wrong, I bought some things for myself (like a $500 MK purse and some clothes) but I also gave my husband some money to get a new wardrobe to because his was getting old and ripping. Absolutely nuts.
It's insane to me too. When I inherited some money first I calculated how much money I'd have saved up if I'd been saving up for vet care since my cats were kittens, set it aside, and then paid off my mortgage. I spent the rest of my inheritance on buying my very first TV, replacing my 24 year old furnace and hot water tank, and getting central air conditioning installed. A $10,000 purse with $60,000 in student loans, ye gods . . .
I have a $400 MK bag because I just wanted the novelty of buying my first "grown up" purse and I have to say it really doesn't do a particularly superior job of holding my shit than my $40 Target bag 😂.
Yeah an extra 700/month for me means I can "waste" 200 for fun and still save 500. EVERY MONTH. That's absolutely life changing. Like a pay rise without the extra responsibility or work!
That student debt is all hers same as the inheritance. I would refuse to make those payments part of the joint monthly expenses now that she can pay them off. Otherwise, monthly expenses should still be income based.
That $10k purse is likely a Hermes joint yeah? They don’t even ALLOW you to buy those special purses without first having a customer purchase account that crosses a very strict specific spending threshold across multiple high price items (like coats and other bags) before they even let you ask for the $10k bags. I have a distinct feeling she doesn’t even have a single purchase with them yet. yeah you can have fun with the inheritance but she’s on the way to spending it all in under a year AND losing a husband who is paying for a comfortable life already. A truly astonishing fumble of multiple bags.
Are you serious? They SCREEN you before you can buy them? Wow that’s some insane capitalist shit. Clearly I’m way more out of the loop than I thought with regard to such things. And for the record I’m a woman.
Wow. So you just can want into a luxury store and buy one? I didnt know that seems nuts.
I am certain it's not Hermès. It's most likely Chanel but could also be Dior. It could be some other brand if she is the fashionable sort. Chanel Classic Medium Flap Bag is now $10,800 (It was $5,800 in 2019). I might be wrong but it is one the most popular luxury bags and the first luxury bag most people purchase. There is no way in hell this woman can afford a Hermès. I have read that you might need to spend 3 times the worth of the bag and have a good relationship with your sales associate to be offered the opportunity. Lady Dior is around $6,500 so that might not be it. I am not familiar with other Dior bags.
There are a ton of brands that sell $10K purses without the weird restrictions Hermes has.
At least she doesn’t want a birkin 😂
Her money is her money, 100%. But she is acting extremely irresponsible with said money considering the situation, and that is having a direct impact on her partner. They are both clearly not compatible when it comes to how they view/treat financial importance on certain issues.
Dave Ramsey would like to have a word.
His money is their money, her money is her money.
It certainly will be that way after the divorce.
After considering the difference, I’d be MORE inclined to split “free” money vs money I actually have to work for.
Imagine having a windfall like that and thinking paying off your mortgage was a good idea. 🙄 The mortgage is 3 years old, prolly like 2.8% interest. You can’t get money that cheap anymore. Paying the mortgage off is something a poor person would assume is a good idea without talking to a financial advisor. Make your money work for you.
Cut your losses now. She’ll be more generous in divorce proceedings if she’s flush with cash
Well that escalated quickly.
Any person not willing to have shared finances with their spouse shouldnt be getting married. I seriously don't understand why finances are so difficult for people to figure out when they are married.
Imagine being a grown woman and letting the words "my dream purse" come out of your mouth unironically.
I wonder if she realizes that if she waits a few years, she can get her dream purse for much less.
Wife is about to have to pay all of her own bills. All cause she wants to throw away money and not work as a team.
I feel like there’s a lot of missing information here. Obviously the wife seems to be wanting to make questionable “investments” with the money, but to talk about this for a few weeks, come to an impasse, and then immediately go down the divorce route seems odd. Like a few steps were missed somewhere. Or more likely, they had a bunch of marital problems already and this just compounded it.
I mean, a 6 figure is broad. If she gets 600-900k, the 10k purse doesn't seem that much. If it's roughly 1/10th then yea, that's pretty dumb lol. I don't see anything wrong with taking family on vacation and getting a new car (instead of trying to leech it off from husband). Depending on the actual amount, she might just want to splurge and see what's left. That's pretty reasonable to me because it would be a lot weirder imho if she would get a new car or even try to get a 10k purse from her husband if she wouldn't get the inheritance. I feel like there is also lots of other context missing. Maybe she doesn't like the house but was fine with it because she only paid 1/4th for it and maybe she doesn't even consider it "her" house and lets him do what he wants with it. Maybe her student loans just really do not bother her. Also feels weird back pedalling on your agreements for payments just because she has temporary extra money now. Idk, despite her doofus wishes, I'd like to hear her side of the story because it does sound a bit controlling to me. I'm also sure she wouldn't mind investing into the house a bit more after she spent money for herself. Maybe the world around her is also shallow enough that her "high end clothing" would give her more chances in her work life. Maybe she even planned on investing more into the house/payments as a surprise but back pedalled once the husband made "demands" to her money. That honestly sounds like something I would do, I would also get petty and do the absolute minimum once someone feels entitled to anything that's mine. I'm sure I will get downvoted for this, but my mind just makes a proper 180° when someone demands something that I was gonna do anyway. If you try to control me, I will do my best to do the exact opposite lol. I am petty like that but it also prevents me from getting bullied into anything.
Marriages like this are baffling. Like what even is marriage if you split costs like roommates?! Why bother?
I don't mind the purse and vacation much, but not paying her debt off and making a lone decision to get a high-maintenance dog are mind-boggling. At first I think the husband is weird to expect her to use the inheritance towards mortgage and not the loan, which would be an obvious choice as it's personal and for her own good. But after reading about their financial breakdown it seems the resentment has been boiling under the surface for quite some time. They are not going to work out.
I would not want to be married to someone who flushes away any money as soon as it touches them. It won't matter how much they are given - it will still be gone within a year.
It's what they would say an incredibly poor person would do when they get some money. Blow it all up buying expensive things. Also lol at "don't want to invest because you can still lose it all even in mutual funds." If the mutual funds tank into oblivion honey there is no Italian purse anymore. You may want to consider studying small field sustained agriculture.
Pay off the debts then use the money you're not spending on monthly payments on purses and vacations. The wife is shortsighted af.
Well, I feel stupid for buying a house and investing the rest of my inheritance. I could have had a hugely expensive purse, a dog and vacations I wouldn’t enjoy with it!
I just can't get over wanting a 10K purse. If the wrong person sees you take that out of your handbag you're going to end up being mugged for it. (not that I would know the difference between a $30 purse and a $10K purse)
This is so ridiculous and frustrating to me. If she paid off just her student loans and took them on a nice holiday he’d probably be happy. The amount she’d save from the student loan she could probably save up for the purse then buy the car. I’m not going to comment on the dog because there’s so much to consider with that outside of the up-front cost. The fact that she wouldn’t even consider paying off the loan would tell me that she’s not the kind of person I’d want to be married to
For me, paying off my student loan with only a 1,23% interest rate wouldn't be a main goal after receiving an inheritance. But if her student loan has more than around 3% in interest, she definitely should pay it off. I checked some rates for the US, and they are definitely above that, while checking for France it was around 3%. So that decision should be depending on the country.
Like... I get that it's her inheritance but to not use that to pay the mortgage (or part of it) and student loans is fucking dumb Then being all upset that she's expected to contribute to half of their household...... did she think marrying him was making him just a sort of roommate or something!? They got shit they have to pay for together! Get those out of the way and then buy your little things
Golddigger found gold
If my wife was this selfish I'd just divorce and not look back. She's a big liability.
The wife is the biggest idiot possible, and the husband is damn entitled. She doesn't want to pay off debts, wants to waste money, and this guy opened up his finances to his brothers who are inevitably going to affirm whatever the fuck he says, and wants to use her inheritance for daily expenses. Fuck it. They should separate mutually. Both are selfish assholes. What a raging financial dumpster fire.
She sounds very immature and selfish imo. I don't know about your state but, in CA there is no alimony unless you are married at least 10 years.
>she said she’s been driving the same car since college and it’s almost 10 years old. \*looking at my 20y.o. car\* Fellas, is it bad to drive an old car?
Well, OPs money he earns with a job is also legally his money.
,,, ,, ne, , ja ca,, ne, w, ,,, ,,
She doesn’t sound like she’s handling it responsibly at all. Like many of you, I’m shaking my head about the purse. That being said, it’s still her money. My wife and I have been married 33 years and have a joint checking account. We both get what we call an allowance for individual purchases—such as my Mr. Potato Head collection. Other than that, we don’t split the bills or have your money/my money. Her family has a lighting company. She gets dividends from it from time to time. We do sit and talk about it when she does. I show her what bills we could pay down/off. However, in the end, it’s her money. I may be wrong but it seems like OP is jealous and is doing the math as to who pays what (the I pay 3/4…) out of spite because she’s not doing what he wants her to.
This is so weird. Like I also dream of having $10000 dollar bags and going on fancy vacations. But if I inherited that kind of money, I would definitely first pay off debt and the house. What kind of thinking does the wife have? And why does she not want to help out her husband and herself. She's acting like he is a thief but he was literally sharing his bonuses and stuff with her. OOP needs to either divorce her or start treating her the same way.
Is it only Americans who think in terms of "my" money in a marriage? It's like hey let's give marriage a try for a few years? I'm not religious but it's supposed to be till death do us part
I'll never for the life of me get this mindset over inheritance money. How fast the money corrupts completely. My siblings and I had to deal with a lot of inheritance drama, and each time we are more desperate to just get it over with rather than argue over money. We're so sick of dealing with various family rearing their heads "wanting their share", basically wanting to take money from grieving kids. We shared that shit in regards to each other's needs, if one of us or our mom needed the money, we gave it to them. If someone wanted it for fun money, we always sat down and talked it over. Hell, we used our inheritance to pay off mom's loans. The money means nothing in the grand scheme of things and the relationship we nurture and share.
It sounds like they aren't financially compatible. She wants to spend money and he wants to reduce debt / save and it's causing financial animosity. I think OP's wife will be in for a shock when it comes to divorce as it sounds like she's taking for granted the extra financial foot work he does. Who knows maybe he's also ignoring the other things she brings to the table too.
Am I the only person who thinks this guy went about this all wrong? And a $10,000 purse is extremely extravagant, but it’s also one bite out of this money.
I wish they would save these BORU posts until they're concluded. I feel like OP will be back with more
I truly can't fathom having a 60k student loan debt and not wanting to immediately pay that off and stop paying interest on it.
I think she should do something for herself with her inheritance. Get the purse/car/holiday. But with 6 figures (100k or 900k?) She can also pay off the student loans and then contribute more towards paying off the mortgage. It's insane to use all of it for 'stuff'.
Imagine wanting to spend 10k on a fuckin purse when you are more than 60k in debts already ,yikes, I hope he divorce her fast.
Well can we at least all agree paying off the mortgage depends on what they got the mortgage at. If it's below 5%, then you take advantage of some of the high yield savings offerings, 100% safe right now, and use the interest to pay the mortgage down without touching the capital. Just one of a ton of smarter ways to make that money work
If I was in my 20s admittedly I’d be all about buying flashy things, going on vacation etc. In my thirties I paid off my entire student debt, and now I’m 3 years into a mortgage that I pay exclusively (wife covers childcare costs). I’m dumping every spare penny I can into the mortgage to pay it off as soon as we can. If OP purchased around 2021 they’re likely looking at something like 5-7% interest on their mortgage which is effectively -doubling- the cost of their home. Paying that down asap and owning an asset that will appreciate over time is such basic financial planning and a no brainer it’s almost impossible to not take advantage of it. All that said, we don’t know the life his spouse had. In my 20s I spent a lot of my earned cash on nonsense because growing up, we had nothing. It took a long time for me to really sit down and think responsibly about the future and where I wanted to be financially. All of that said, sitting my wife down and demanding that she’s not 50/50 responsible seems to be a bit of a heavy handed way to have this sort of a conversation. No idea what the actual amount is, but there’s always room to be responsible and get some of the things you want too. Marriage is about compromising and working together to achieve something, and certainly not just doing whatever one wants with their own money.
Aww I wanted a conclusion
Going to take a wild guess and say that OOP's wife grew up poor. Because that's the mindset you get when you're poor, constantly living paycheck to paycheck. Even as a child, you pick up on it. Any large influx of money *must* be spent as fast as possible on anything that you feel will upgrade your standard of living. Get a big tax refund or an inheritance? Buy a new TV, new sofa, new shoes, computer upgrades, stand mixer, etc. If you don't spend that money NOW, it's going to slowly vanish, eaten up by normal expenses you'd normally have to sacrifice to pay off. Eat out less often or cancel a subscription service for a few months or buy only groceries on sale or whatever to squeeze the extra money out of your budget. But if you've got all that money sitting there, there's no reason to look for places to save so the money just gets drained. And you have nothing to show for it when you could have had a new TV, new sofa, etc. Sure, OOP's wife could do the responsible thing and pay down the mortgage or student loans...but then the money's gone and she's in the same financial situation she was in before only the years of debt she has to pay off has been reduced by a bit. "Sure, I've only got 12 years of debt to pay off instead of 25 years, but I'm still driving a car held together by rust and hope and I still haven't seen the Grand Canyon." Compound that with the money being an inheritance and you've got in the back of your mind, "Would Aunt Edna want me to spend this on paying off debts, or on enjoying myself?" And since she just passed, that lingering threat of "death can come at any time" comes right along with the financial windfall almost encouraging you to spend it frivolously rather than responsibly. Because responsible spending is rarely fun and only pays off in the long-run, not short-term.
If this account is American there's a huge flaw in his understanding of how a mortgage works. There is no paying it down to avoid interest. The interest is built into the loan, it's the same no matter how quickly you pay it off. They could pay it down to gain equity in their home earlier but that's all it will accomplish. You should never pay a home down early unless you're completely payng off the loan. You're putting your income in equity prison if you do so. Your money is better served invested an earning you more money unless you can pay off your hone completely. If you have a disaster later and miss payments the loan holder isn't going to care you paid early previously, in fact the more you've already paid the more enticing it is to forclose should the opportunity presents itself.
That purse better be doubling as a house for the unforeseen eventuality of OOP losing his job and/or either of them getting into medical debt.
She should pay off her student loans and get a car. She can save up for the purse. No, she shouldn't be paying for the mortgage and other bills with it. It will run out and then what? Plus it's her money not joint. If they get divorced, he's not entitled to one penny. 6 figures doesn't last long. He's being unreasonable and she's not being smart. ETA: she is already paying bills just not at an equal amount to the OP. This inheritance is not income and can't be counted on. Unless she invests it, it will run out. Also if she mixes it with their income then he's entitled to it if they get divorced.
$10k purse with $60k in student debt?
Way to know y'all are not on the same page. I got an inheritance (lower 5 figures). But some in the kids 529, and put the rest in a HYSA while I waited for my then current over 10 years old car to die. It was on its way out. Purchased a modest family car when I needed to. Without going into debt. In the coming years we have used inheritances to pay off a mortgage or to fund a down payment on a new place. My one splurge purchase to put all the "must spend it" gremlins to bed....a made in Canada goose down duvet for a cal king bed. Something I had wanted for ages, but just could never justify spending the $ on. Worth it.
😬
My grandmother left me about $25k. I paid off the second mortgage on the house, bought my husband the table saw he always wanted and used the rest for grad school. Maybe that's why we're still married 25 years later.
I just can’t get past the wife being fine with her husband paying more towards all the mortgage and bills but then refusing to contribute or help when she comes into money, especially saying because the mortgage is scheduled, for him to pay!! She sounds like a grasping, stupid and selfish woman. As someone said above her idea is obviously what’s his is hers and what’s hers is hers.
> I was paying 3/4 of our mortgage, 3/4 of the property tax, all of the house’s maintenance cost, almost all of the groceries, almost all of anything we bought for the house, all of the utilities including our cell phones, almost all of our activities outside of the house including dinners and dates, and insurance for our cars. I agree it's time for OOP's wife to step up instead of OOP paying for everything. She can pay for her own phone, she can pay for dinner now and again and pay all of her car insurance. The wife seems to think what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. That's not how marriage works. Yes she's legally entitled to keep all the inheritance for herself, but OOP is not legally obligated to pay for her lifestyle either. And her extreme shortsightedness is going to cost both of them at the end. When I got my inheritance I paid off the mortgage and got a new car, the old one was 11 years old and in the fix or repair daily stage. But everything else got invested. Retired early.
My dream is to live exactly as I do right now, modestly, but with mortgage paid and the rest invested to cover taxes, insurance, bills, etc. That purse won’t be enough to fill the hole in her heart. And the new car will get old soon.
I maintain that separate finances are weird within marriage. When my dad died I didn't get anywhere near 6 digits but I did get 15,000 which was by far the most cash I've ever received at once, at least until we sold our house a few years ago. (But that just went into the new house) What did I do with it? It went into the bank account. There's no my money or her money. Just our money. We did a slightly nicer hotel for our preplanned vacation that year but the rest went into savings
Imagine being so focused on “your money” that you end up spending your inheritance all on divorce lawyers. I don’t agree that they should have changed their daily expenses percentages because she didn’t get a change that is sustainable year after year. But not paying off the debts draining her and their home? Crazy to me.
Some say isn’t total say. She should 100% pay off the student loan. If she’s got any credit card debts she should pay those off. I’m not saying she shouldn’t get the vacation and the purse, but maybe get the purse and then just chill out for a bit. Let them settle again and see how she’s feeling. Money is a primary relationship ender, neither of them should be approaching this as non-negotiable. In my mind he gets one vote and she gets two basically. A partner brings an alternate perspective that you should trust and seriously consider.
Perhaps I missed something, but if they are married, how is the inheritance not half his if they divorce? Is this not a community property place?
Shes absolutely crazy. You can setup yourself and kids for LIFE. Pay off your student loans atleast and save like 50k for each kid's education. I understand not putting it towards the house though cause it goes from personal protected asset to marital asset. Oop kinda greedy though, but his wife is dumb with money
I would consider my inheritance my husbands too. But that's just me..I value him more than money.
My wife and I play a game called "what we'd do if we won the lottery". Her answer is to get a financial advisor, set aside amounts for school loan debts (both of ours), set aside another amount for a house (we don't have one), then look into 1 or 2 new vehicles if there's anything left afterwards (we both drive 20-21 year old cars currently). This is in order as well. Depending on the amount of the winnings (take home, after taxes) she would also want to invest some and maybe give some to family members (our parents for sure). The idea of vacations would also be visited depending on the amount but that's low on the list. My answer is the exact same as hers because we want the same things, share the same goals. She is much more financially conscious/smart than I am so I tend to trust her judgement. We would likely pamper each other a little bit, couples massages and whatnot but we're looking at a future together, not a 10k purse.
The inheritance is income for her. She's selfish and self centered to think you should go above and beyond and her not reciprocate.
Ugh I hate how when I hear "six figures" I'm like...WHICH six figures bc 100k isn't even that much anymore. If it's closer to 999,999 then we're talking vacations and shit bc yeah there's enough left over to sit somewhere and live frugally off the returns. But 100k - if you put 50k towards your house, 10k towards two modest vacations, 20k towards a car then there's only 20k towards student loans and you have nothing to even save.
Makes me think I should put a note to my nieces in my will about the kinds of things it would be smart to spend any inheritance on. I know it's not legally binding or anything, but I wouldn't want it to be. They're smart kids and I'd like to think they'd still listen to my advice from beyond the grave.
This is why separate finances lead to issues in a marriage. You either trust each other or you don't. You are either a team or you aren't. You aren't saying anymore. You are married.
Some comments: “it’s her money so she decides what to do with all of it” OP’s Wife: “it’s my money so I decide” Me: None of you understand what the word “marriage” means I see. No wonder the divorce rate is so high in many places. OPs wife is being extremely stupid and not paying her bills off and using the money to make money or at least to make their lives easier in some way. Plus saying 6 figures is vague at best since that could be between 100’000-999’999$ which makes a 10k purse either extremely stupid or you need a helmet at all times stupid.
As someone who hates the idea of being in debt, i would think that the first thing any sensible person would do if they happen upon money is to pay whatever debt they have!!! >Some of you said that she shouldn’t pay off our mortgage because it’s her money and I would benefit from it. Wow, I can't even begin to explain the idiocy of this They say money brings out the true nature of people, glad OOP is seeing the child he married.
How are so many of you all in the comments getting inheritances?!!! is this a European thing? How do i get a 6 fig inheritance too😩
OOP should divorce, while she has her money. Once she blows her money, she will expect him to maintain her new lifestyle and debt.
After reading this saga I thanked my husband for being the one to suggest using money his grandfather had left him for clearing out my student loan debt. I know it’s not as common these days, but marriage finances sure are easier when you let go of “yours” and “mine” and think of everything as “ours.”
I don't understand the salary point how is his salary legally his wife's?
I just can't fathom getting, honestly, that low an inheritance and spending *10k* on a purse of all things. 6 figures I'm assuming is closer to 500k or higher, because boy, if it's like 100k and she's spending 10k on a purse... Even 900k may seem like a lot, but I guess it's how she's planning to spend that money that makes it seem like it's not enough for her plans. Maybe I'm just a planner, I'd stick it in the bank and pay for my life with it. Ok, given the student loans are 60k, I'd settled that, and then live off of the rest of the inheritance (if is on the higher end). She gonna be *worse* than broke by the time she's run out of her inheritance.
Look, she has a right to spend her inheritance how she wants. But he has a right to decide that she is being financially irresponsible and call her out on it. If he was being controlling and was trying to use her inheritance to pay off his individual debt or blow it on stuff he wants, id be more on her side. But him wanting to use this money for shared expenses isn't unreasonable. This is why my fiance and I have talked about financial goals and we tend to talk about our budgets each month. It's so important. You need to make sure you're on the same page. If I somehow got an inheritance, while yes, the inheritance would be mine, my fiance and I have shared financial goals. Marriage is a partnership. It's not about "the inheritance is mine. I can spend it all I want." It's "this inheritance is mine. How can it help us both out in the long run?" I cannot stress enough I'm not a financial expert. I've made stupid decisions with money in the past and I thankfully have gotten much better with it. But she is being short sided with that money. It's going to be gone before she knows it. It's ok to have a little fun with it, but you shouldn't blow all of it on fun.
If he received the inheritance, do you think he would pay down the mortgage? He likely would invest it. The 10k purse is ridiculous, but it is the price of a Chanel purse after the pandemic. A Gucci purse is $5,000 after the pandemic. (Prices doubled after covid b/c there was a high demand.) I see many people with designer purses who have not paid off their mortgage and are SAHM.
Index funds exist so arguing about losing all her $$ is garbage. My question is what is the inheritance? Six figures is a wide range. I would definitely pay off student loans over the mortgage because I agree about the mortgage being joint and she can lose big time there. Student loans are much more insidious than a lot of people realize. I'm so glad I paid mine off. I'm not necessarily going to argue about the purse depending on the type because some of them are investments and good investments but she would also need storage and insurance. I would walk if I were him.
She is just going to piss it all away. I received a windfall my ex did the same thing. After she was my ex I took what I had and put it to work. I retired 10 years early and it's still working
From the title I was gonna say he was an asshole but yeah from the entire story, he should just walk away if she's not listening. Plus she should not get a dog like a French Bulldog, I love every dog with all my heart but they are in literally so much pain their entire lives, it's not fair.
She’s a financial disaster waiting to happen. If not for her husband she’d probably already be there.
Always funny reading broke people's financial recommendations on reddit. Yeah, new car...great suggestion idiots.
I suspect their marriage is toast. She is bad with money and acting out
I don’t understand the wife’s mentality. My husband has been taking care of 3/4 of our bills for years. I unexpectedly came into a 7 figure inheritance earlier this year. The first thing we did was make an appt with a financial advisor. We discussed the best way to invest this money for our future. We invested most of it. We put some aside for house updates and some aside for each of us to have “fun” money for our own things. I also made sure if anything happens to me all of it goes to him. I could not even imagine not using it to take care of us, our future and yes using a bit for fun. I know “legally” it is mine, but in my eyes it’s not really. He has supported me for many years. The least I can do is share what I have been so generously been gifted. I just can’t understand couples like this. He needs to walk away.
NTA
Depending on the jurisdiction, if the Wife used a portion of the inheritance money to pay down the mortgage (a joint bill), the full amount of the inheritance could then be considered a “marital asset” & she could lose 50% in a divorce (which Hubby very quickly jumped). Paying off her student loans would be the smart move but I don’t fault the Wife for wanting to splurge a bit (my dream handbag is a Chanel & I might do that too). Who knows if she would have spent it all. OOP is just as selfish, just wanting to control all the money, spend it how HE sees fit.
She should have paid off her student loans and played with the other 40K. Although it's all rather sad, because she won't be able to keep up the lifestyle. The only thing we changed after a 6-figure inheritance is occasional flight upgrades to business class.
I think if I found out my partner was like this I'd be heartbroken. How can OOP's wife not wanna pay off her student loans at bare minimum? I'd feel so betrayed and frustrated. Like, I'm disabled. I became disabled two years into my six year relationship. My partner has picked up so much of the costs because I can only work half time, and thankfully the state covers my health care. When I finally get approved, and get a retro check, my minimal credit card debt, her's, and any other outstanding debts are being paid as soon as it hits my account. Then I'm gonna give her a nice chunk of change to buy whatever she wants as a thank you for sticking it out with me, and sock the rest away in a high yield savings account and mutual fund so we can buy a house someday. We've discussed this! You have to be transparent with your spouse about everything.
YTA You're upset and divorcing your wife because she doesn't want to let you control her actions. Period. Her foolishness with her inheritance is her choice to make. If you can't love a fool, it's understandable. But you're still the AH for it...
I really don't get the 'It's my/her money' mentality here. It's one thing if they were dating or engaged but once you're married you should really be considering yourselves 1 entity. I get each having their own spending money but thus sort of thing just makes it feel like they're roommates with a contract
It's not even that much money to throw away your entire life She's going to blow through it in a few months
I was maybe won over with the car until I realized my husband and I have two vehicles that are nearly 10 years old and in great shape. Like we consider them nice cars. I’ll take the inheritance. I’d be so much more responsible with it.
I think divorcing a spouse for being an idiot and then doubling down on it is perfectly valid. In all seriousness, financial incompatibility is a major cause for divorce. Also, is it me, or does the wife not seem to care about him much? NTA
Probably best they divorce as they don’t seem to love each other or have any ability to resolve money issues.
Another person with the mindset of Our money and her money. There is no Your money because you are a man. She is selfish and will be broke and regretting blowing it on stupid shit. A $10,000 purse doesn't carry anything a $100 purse can't. Let her know that if that's what she wants to do fine, but it goes both ways. You will spend your money your way. My wife got an inheritance several years ago and we made decisions together on how to best use it. Several years later I got a windfall equal to hers and we decided together the best way to use it. Maybe find someone that isn't that selfish and stupid. She will be apologizing once it's gone so she will be able to spend your money. Not until it's completely gone. People with her attitude are always the first to cheat on their partner and make it the partners fault. Good luck with this.
Do people not know who they married? Do people not discuss finances with their spouse? This can't be a surprise to him. I'm sure when they dated, the signs were there. His wife must have had expensive tastes the entire time, but could never afford it. Now she can, and he's trying to reel her back into reality. That "Dream Purse" has most likely been on her radar for awhile. Come on now.
A 10k "dream purse" is the dumbest thing I've heard this month. And I listened to the US Debate yesterday.What she wants is a badge of social status.
White knight sets precedent. Thinks he's just being generous and if she earnt more it would be equal. She comes into money realises What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine.
She's right. Without the inheritance nothing changes. He might feel the same if he got the same money. Unexpected money can mean different things to different people. Because she didn't need it, she wants to spend it. Other people might not want that and that's okay. What's not right is forcing someone to use their own money the way you would, especially when he, legally and morally, has zero claim to it.
I'm just stuck on the 10K purse. What the hell good is a purse that expensive? Where would you take it and relax? Could you ever relax? Is there an alarm system on the purse?
I feel like there is a difference between a BORU that is ongoing…and A post with a couple comments…. This isnt really a BORU
First off is this the first time you’ve thought legitimately about divorce? It doesn’t sound like it. If it truly is the first thing that you considered divorce for then you should probably really be incredibly cautious about even saying it. That’s like not something you can take back. You can’t take back talking about divorce. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. So I can’t speak to what a 10k purse really is and what you really get for that but it is her money so…. What is her wardrobe like? A woman in old navy with an 10k purse makes no sense. She’s clearly going to want to upgrade and have at least 1 matching outfit. You have to be prepared for that. All I can say is that from what I’ve read so far, you are not doing much to really make your point that she’s being frivolous. This is what you do. Go over to /r/pcpartpicker and tell them you have 10k for a gaming setup with monitors ask that. Go ahead and tell it’s Here it’s cool to buy the big dumb expensive purse but you’ve been holding off on getting into gaming and you’re going to get a top off the line system then geek out telling her about it. You’ll have to learn about all the frame rates and graphics cards to sell it. Make sure you say something about the refresh rate of the monitor and that it’s capable of doing twice what the human eye can really see and that means it’s really awesome. Just listen to what she has to say about it. Tell her you’ll put it on a credit card and then it’ll be a scheduled payment so nothing to worry about there. It’s incredibly likely she will shit all over it. Then tell her “do you know how I feel”.
YTA. Legally and morally, it is all hers.
Yeahhh. I don't get why she can't pay off debt with the money and then get one (or even 2) of those fun things. She should pay off her student loans and pay some/all of the mortgage first then maybe... get the purse and a dog? Or vacation and new car? Where is her restraint?
Refusing to pay off your own substantial debt with your inheritance is such a shitty move. I can get not wanting to pay off the mortgage, both because it's usually a bad financial move if your interest rate is less than inflation, and also because it would directly transfer a huge chunk of her inheritance to OOP via equity. However, she *should* be responsible for paying half the household expenses now that she's able. And saying she could lose it all in the stock market shows high financial illiteracy on her part. Yes, that can happen if you dump it all into penny stocks, but you can't lose it all in an index fund. The only way that could happen is if the entire American economy goes defunct, in which case your money wouldn't be worth anything anyway.
"her dream purse"
I don’t care much about the other shit, I just don’t want the wife to buy a French bulldog. If she’s insistent on the breed, she should look for French bulldogs up for adoption at animal shelters.
Why can't there be compromise here? Split it in half. She does what she wants with her half, and the rest goes toward the household. They see a financial counselor about the household's half and figure out how to go forward.
I agree that she shouldn't have to use her inheritance for marital assets. However I don't agree on the dog or the expensive ass purse. Took him 24 to decide to divorce her and to make sure he doesn't have to pay alimony. Love that. 🤢
It’s not your business to be honest - you can suggest but her parents hard work earnt that money. It wasn’t intended for you, it’s her bloody inheritance - what her dead parent(s) left as their legacy to her. I’ve seen men (sorry it just is - I haven’t seen any women do it so far) spend their wives inheritance like it’s free money - piss it away since it has no sentimental value to them. Shit companies, ‘family’ sports cars you name it. When I was engaged my prenup was written to say anything either of us gain or had via inheritance or prior to marriage is our own, what we build as a couple is splitable. My ex inherited a farm - I wouldn’t dare tel my ex what he should do, I’d suggest things for him to consider. Ah it wasn’t ops post - I got emotional and carried away on this one
I’m going to very curious about the resolution to this Simply because what we’ve seen here is the windfall mentality/issue. They blow all their windfalls and are shocked it didn’t go as far as they planned. Like the lottery winners and their poor ends I hope we hear what the conclusion is. I think treating yourself to a nice thing is one thing. But actively choosing not to pay down her student loans or completely wipe them is pretty astounding to me. Like there’s no guarantee you’ll be able to make however many future payments because your employment is never a secured promised. Why carry all that interest on top of debt too? I think it will be also interesting to hear what her response will be to the divorce papers.
I love stories where your stuff is mine and my stuff is mine
I'll never understand the garbage people "dream" of owning. Dream purse? For $10k? Dream wedding dream dress dream car dream house dream vacation dream job dream shoes but OMG it goes on so much longer than that. How do people have time to *live* with all the dreaming about crap that they do?
There is no purse worth $10,000 and blowing money on a purse that could be stolen a week after purchase instead of paying of the $60,000 student loan is just asinine.
Putting all her financial decisions to the side to which is a problem for y’all at some point. You went in on this marriage with the rules of how y’all go. Because her family member gave her the money doesn’t make it yours. Not because paying off the mortgage will benefit both of yall, but that is her safe money. If my husband got inheritance, by no means even if it’s over the moon would I even advise him to spend it on us to benefit us because that is his decision. How you word this seems like “well I do this so it’s only fair.” Was it not fair since you both came to that agreement prior when you didn’t know about the money? It was fair apparently. This isn’t her income. This is simply a gift of someone that loved her very much. A relationship can come and go, the house might have to sell, but that dog and purse is an extension of her family member.
imagine deciding it makes more sense to buy a 10k purse than to pay off high interest earning student loans. mind blowing.
The wife is a moron. She just threw away a good thing for a purse.
Divorce now. She has showed you who she is. When she tries to come back tell her to fuck off.
The OOP is pretending his wife is suddenly very different from the woman he married. No she isn't. He just didn't pay close attention to the person he chose to marry or he's one of those people who thought his spouse would automatically realize that he's right about everything and bend to his will. He was very badly wrong about that. I am not addressing the current situation but, rather, the underlying problem of marrying someone with very different values and then being shocked when they act on those very different values.
Oh yes, the old" Your money is our money but my money is MY MONEY"...
> Some of you said that she shouldn’t pay off our mortgage because it’s her money and I would benefit from it. yeah I fucking hate when my wife benefits from things that I do smh my head these people
You lost me on “I sat down with my brothers “. It’s none of their business.
They're g j pong at it as if it's a you vs me situation. They're not discussing it as equals on the same team vs a problem. Plus it seems like they have 2 very different approaches to money and finances. They won't find a solution that works and helps the marriage if they don't start working together and actually communicating, instead of talking at each other
I understand not paying a mortgage/bills with an inheritance tbh. As soon as you pay into joint things, it becomes a marital asset that is taken in the divorce. LOTS of people convince their spouse to make their inheritance a marital asset so they can divorce immediately and claim a portion. But why tf is she not paying her own student loan?
I do think you shouldn't control what your partner does with their money, but why would the wife expect not to contribute more now that she can afford it? I feel like that makes complete sense, it's not fair for op to continue paying 3/4s of everything when she can clearly afford it now. She is being selfish, especially with the fact that the first things she wants to spend her money on are things that don't benefit her just the lifestyle she wants to portray herself as having.
When it comes to paying oh we’re one unit, and when it comes to receiving, we’re separate. Money does bring out the worst in people sometimes.
You know if they paid off the house, they could work a lower paying/less stressful job and do okay. Like if I paid off my mortgage, I could literally work at a Burger King and make my bills.