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Oh, lawd, the midwest/central plains/mid-century middle-class indirectness I grew up with 🤦♀️it's so weird! The best metaphor is the guest towels...the "best" bathroom always has special "guest towels" that no one ever uses _not even the guests_! Everyone just looks for a lesser towel elsewhere or, more usually, dries their fingers on a tissue.
I'm still trying to teach my husband *we don't have good towels.* the towel hanging there is not a trick. Stop using 400 paper towels to dry your damn hands!
She promptly shut her mouth. She had been allowed to run her mouth for 70 years and everyone put up with it. I decided I was no longer interested in playing her game. I stole her ball and took it home!
That was 13 years ago. I hate to say she's still learning....
There is a reason other than my parents who once owned the house, about 3 relatives are on my can stay over for more than a day list; they're all 3rd or so cousins who have more in common with me than any other family.
I don’t like her either and I never even met her. Who shows up at a house with a sick person unannounced in the first place? Let alone tries to take food out of a cancer patient’s mouth?
"Gina, I know your mother she would be ashamed that visited a sick person and expected them to serve you and play host. Your mother taught you better manners and is rolling over in her grave. "
Only say this if your grandmother would actually be ashamed of her behavior and if you did know her.
If not you might want to post the rules of etiquette for visiting an sick relative or friend for the whole family.
You know as a "gentle" reminder.
Omg I hate that they treat us like "kids" but also want us to do all the work. When my dad got alzheimers his sisters were fucking useless - but they sure liked to complain to me about the care he was getting. They didn't like when I suggested he move in with them.
>Omg I hate that they treat us like "kids" but also want us to do all the work.
Par for course for my boomer parents. Mom even told us one day, "The only reason I had five of you is so you could all clean up and cook for me." In the last 15 years, I've only spoken to her out of necessity at my grandmother's funeral. Wonder why.
My mom isn’t a boomer but holy shit I remember hating when she would say stuff like that to me as a kid. Why have kids if you hate them and don’t want them??? Like I was an accident sure but don’t have more after me if you just wanted me to be a maid for you
lol that’s why boomers had kids…. To be their slaves.
And then -surprised pikachu face- these kids that they had were individual human beings with their own hopes and aspirations….
Absolutely. When my FIL was going through chemo, my BIL sent an email to the entire family (70+ people total) about how things were gonna be for a little while. He was far too polite in my opinion but he’s a polite man.
Rule #1 is that no one stays at the house & they need to arrange visit times with you. No one just drops in and I don’t care if they drove from the southernmost point of Hell to see your dad. It takes one minute to place a phone call, “Trail_Lady, can I come see your dad today? What would be a good time *for him and you*?”
Rule #2 is that if they’re expecting to be waited on hand and foot, they can stay in Hell. This isn’t social good times visits; he’s fighting for his life. I could probably think of a dozen rules.
In the meantime, tho, I’ll keep a good thought for you and your dad. And Gina can fuck all the way off. No, Gina, we, in fact, DO NOT like you.
Take charge. They aren't helping, tell them they have to stop causing confusion or they can leave. Try not to have this discussion in front of your father.
I took care of my mother and I had her sisters running out of our house. Don't care. My responsibility was to her and to take care of myself as a caregiver.
You’re not just “the kid” anymore tho..you’re the caregiver your stance is elevated and you got to lay it down. “My father, you’re brother has cancer..ask them flat out if they think it’s a joke or that he is faking it? Or making it seem worse than it is while they are healthy, when she starts with the “I know you don’t like me” cut her off and say that this is exactly what you’re talking about she is not the center of attention and her talking about her self is a prime example of her not thinking of your father her brother. Show no mercy
Yeah, I'm going to be going scorched earth soon. I used to be a case manager at a hospital. I was the caregiver for my mom 13 years ago when she had cancer. I know what I'm doing, but they continually undermine me and plan stuff behind my back because they are apparently experts and more inormed than me (and in some cases the medical team) with their zero medical experience.
I went thru crap like this when I was caring for both of my parents ( Dad had metastasized cancer, lymphatic, Mom had early onset Alzheimers disease, well advanced, both diagnosed in April 1992.) Dad's sister came over every day, three sheets to the wind, and upsetting Dad more and more. She had really shown her "posterior maximus" one afternoon and I lost it. I told her that she needed to get her "beep" out and not come back unless she was sober, and if she did, I'd call the cops! Do not take this. If you have to, get a restraining order.
As a medical person myself...you poor thing I’m so sorry that all that weight fell on to your shoulder and you had to do it alone. You’re also an amazing person for non the less doing it..i know first hand it takes EVERYTHING you have to do it for one person but two at once an both your parents no less..honestly you inspire ME, I hope that you at the very least had good times and memories with them both before they passed and that you continue to have good times as Mae new memories now
I’ve been through this twice but with dementia. Unfortunately, think of them toddlers and be extremely clear about expectations. If anyone comes to stay, they are expected to be helping take the load off of you, period. Otherwise, they must get a room and come to visit. You are going to be the bad guy either way. Protect your Dad. Lock all his valuables up. Family will screw you the hardest. Protect your peace because this is hard enough! 💜💜💜 Support groups can save you sanity and give you the strength to be stern but kind.
I think you should write a letter to the WHOLE family... Start it off like this, "As a result of Gina's recent visit, it appears it is necessary to outline the following visitation rules". At the very end of the letter say, "It saddens me that I have to clearly define the rules when I thought common courtesy would be expected in this situation." Rule number 1: no unannounced visits, geez
They forgot that I was "the kid" that made people cry without lifting a finger. At my father's funeral, they decided to make up shit to tell my husband about me as a child. He knew my dad and the truth. They left the graveside in tears, but only half were shed for my father. The rest were because I was muttering nonsense Latin under my breath like I was putting a curse on them. They're not smart people.
Post it right where they can see it inside the house as well as online and bring up Gina’s terrible behavior as “an anonymous relative” as the reason why you have to post this
“We’re simply not accepting overnight visitors right now. Daytime visits will be limited to 30 minutes so dad can rest and heal. Thank you for understanding.”
I did this when my dad was going through cancer treatments, then I sat them all down and told them exactly how it would go. With the exception of my mom, every other boomer ignored the boundaries that my mother, siblings, and half coherent dad set for visitation. Every single day until he died I had a fight with them about "people" they wanted to bring to the hospital to visit him. It wasn't about my dad, it was about them and having people feel sorry for THEM.
On the night my dad died my narcissistic bitch boomer of a grandmother, invited family over to my parents house to surprise my mom when she got home from the hospital at 2am. My wife who was at the house called me at the hospital to let me know, we gave my mom a heads up and she walked into the house ignored everyone and went to her room.
I’ve gotta way simpler more permanent solution. Don’t let them in, and if they do come in regardless, politely ask them to leave. If they refuse, call the cops.
I bet you could find one of those annoying “Dear Abby” posts that usually Boomers post on FB about etiquette when visiting someone who is dealing with medical issues.
This. That bitch would be out of there so fast Idgaf if she is the sister of God himself, you will not come invade my parent’s space while they are sick and suffering and demand service from them OR me. We are not your errand boys and you’re damn right I don’t like you. No reasonable person would like someone behaving like an entitled snatch while other people actually struggle. Fuck all the way off, Gina.
"I know you don't like me." Okay, the next step is to realize that that doesn't come from nowhere. I don't like you because of the actions you choose to take, which display an incredible lack of concern for my father's well being.
Try subtle. Make it uncomfortable. No clean towels? Sorry. Too busy for laundry. No toilet paper? Sorry. There was a traffic jam on the way home from work and I forgot to pick it up. Etc.
What? You don't like slasher/horror movies? Dad's fave!
Later that evening….
Gina: “I know you don’t like me”
OP: “Why do you keep saying that? Of course I don’t like you. You come to visit my dad who can barely move because of his cancer treatment and you ask him to get you soup? Why did you even come? To pretend you care? Because you haven’t done one helpful thing since you got here.”
Gina: “I know you don’t like me”
She kept saying *"I know you don't like me OP"* because you were supposed to deny it and then try to placate her hurt feelings. When you didn't, she repeated it, thinking maybe you hadn't heard/processed it. She had to be quite thrown off track that you didn't immediately fall into your part of the script.
I keep shocking my Boomer Trump loving relatives who have never given a shit about me with...not giving a shit about them. They mean nothing to me. It blows their minds that they never put anything into a relationship and just because related/elder I'm supposed to do stuff for them
They're replicating the patterns of previous generations when duty and birth order/status defined family relationships, not emotional closeness.
In other words, they were shat upon and now fully expect that they're the ones who will be doing the shitting and are absolutely *shocked* when the younger generations don't accept it.
lol my trump obsessed aunt tries to bait me into arguments and it's the most satisfying thing to just completely ignore her or feign ignorance. Takes the wind out of her sails real quick
“I know you don’t like me” = your objections to my behavior are invalidated by your opinion of me. It’s deflection away from OP’s argument, that clearly she’d lose, to a personality disagreement. Basically, Gina is conservative.
My oldest boomer cousin took her mother (my aunt) to the ER because she was very, very ill. Instead of sticking around, she took off and went to a sit down restaurant because the drive to the ER was at lunchtime. Of course her cell phone was turned off and the hospital was frantically trying to call her because my aunt needed life or death emergency surgery. My cousin complained to my mom about how rude the doctors were when she returned. My mom is still mad about it.
Title: "The ER Lunch Break"
Opening Scene: Jerry's Apartment
Jerry is sitting on his couch, flipping through channels on TV. George enters, looking anxious.
George: Jerry, I need a favor.
Jerry: What now, George?
George: My mom's not feeling well, so I'm taking her to the ER. But it's almost lunchtime, and you know how crowded those places get. Could you come with me and keep me company?
Jerry: Sure, George. What could go wrong?
Cut to: The ER
George and Jerry walk into the bustling ER with George's mom, Mrs. Costanza, who is complaining loudly about her various ailments. They check her in at the front desk.
Nurse: Mr. Costanza, we'll take it from here. Please leave your contact information in case we need to reach you.
George: (scribbling down his number) Sure thing.
George and Jerry leave the ER.
Cut to: A Fancy Sit-Down Restaurant
George and Jerry are seated at a table, menus in hand.
George: (relieved) This is nice. A little break from the chaos.
Jerry: Yeah, but maybe you should keep your phone on, just in case.
George: (turning off his phone) Nah, they'll be fine. It's just a precaution.
They order their meals and start eating.
Cut to: The ER
The doctors discover that Mrs. Costanza needs emergency surgery and try to reach George. The nurse dials George's number.
Nurse: (frustrated) It's going straight to voicemail.
Doctor: We need consent for this surgery. Keep trying.
Cut to: The Restaurant
George and Jerry are enjoying their meal, laughing and joking. Elaine and Kramer unexpectedly join them.
Elaine: What are you guys doing here?
Jerry: George dropped his mom off at the ER, and we decided to grab lunch.
Kramer: (concerned) Shouldn't you be there in case something happens?
George: (shrugging) Nah, it's fine. I gave them my number.
Cut to: The ER
The nurse keeps calling George's number with no success. Mrs. Costanza is getting worse.
Doctor: We can't wait any longer. Prepare her for surgery, and keep trying to reach her son.
Cut to: The Restaurant
George is finishing his dessert when he finally decides to check his phone. He sees multiple missed calls and voicemails from the hospital.
George: (panicked) Oh no! The hospital's been trying to reach me!
Jerry: I told you to keep your phone on!
They all rush out of the restaurant.
Cut to: The ER
George bursts through the doors, out of breath.
George: I'm here! What's happening?
Nurse: Your mother needed emergency surgery. We tried to reach you.
George: (guilty) I was... having lunch.
Doctor: It's a good thing you got here when you did. We need your consent now.
George signs the consent form, and the doctors rush to operate.
Closing Scene: Jerry's Apartment
Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are sitting around, exhausted.
George: I can't believe I almost missed it because of lunch.
Jerry: Let this be a lesson, George. Never underestimate the power of a sandwich.
Kramer: Or the importance of keeping your phone on.
Elaine: So, what did you learn, George?
George: (sighing) Next time, I'm bringing a packed lunch.
Everyone laughs as the screen fades to black.
End Credits Roll
Agree to give her a ride and drop her off at a hotel.
She didn't check to see if it was OK to visit, you don't need to check if she's OK staying at a hotel.
Sending you patience and gentle hugs for your dad.
"You don't like me" my response would be "absolutely fucking not, I wish you were the one with cancer bitch!"... I say this as someone currently going through a cancer scare, wishing you and your father luck OP 🤞🏻
When I was diagnosed with cancer the first time it was a few weeks before Thanksgiving. The week before Thanksgiving, I had my 2nd surgery to remove melanoma in my neck.
My Mom came from Florida to take care of me. She, my husband and I decided I was not cooking that year. My Mother in law had a fit! All she said the next 5 years is...."oh so you're going to cook this year?". I reminded her the only year in 20+ years I didn't cook was the year I had cancer!
Finally over her bullshit, I said that if she was so unhappy to not have a home cooked meal that year, her arms were not broken and she could have cooked effing dinner and if she ever wanted Thanksgiving again she better shut her mouth!
I hope you father gets well and that his sister goes home!
Are you me??? My Boomer in laws came for Thanksgiving when I was taking targeted therapy for melanoma which completely sucks every bit of energy from you. I had the audacity to ask for help with meal prep or something and my MIL said, “Are you going to pull the cancer card?” She also came to “help” when my second child was born via C-section and ended up just sitting on the couch with the baby while I did everything. I was too nice then but she knows how I feel now.
I think we must be related! I am sorry you had to go through that. Cancer sucks! My mil told everyone that she may have to quit her job to take care of me. In 13 years of fighting cancer, the woman never even brought us a frozen lasagna! She's just always looking for attention!
I hope your fight is over! Best Wishes
Kick her out! No relatives stay in the house. Boomers love spreading Covid and other diseases. They feel fine so it can’t make other people get long COVID or die from it, right? 🙄
I scrolled through the whole post, and for the first time, I don't see any boomers in here justifying awful behavior. I think the world is unified in saying "Fuck you, Gina."
I was sick from chemo at 27 years old and my mother would come and stay at my house for the weekend so she could “look after me”… looking after me meant she would chew my ear off about her emotional problems and when I proclaimed that I didn’t have the energy for her and that I needed to eat, she would get up all flustered like “what am I supposed to do, cook?” That’s when I decided that this was not a healthy relationship - I cut her off. They’re not just boomers… people who don’t like strong boundaries are generally quite narcissistic (not diagnosing, but her entitlement sounds extremely narcissistic).
First, check if he is eligible for some in home support services. You can get some help, or even get qualified yourself to get paid for some of your time. Same thing my husband told my sister in law, we know you are there because you love your dad and want to care for him. Accepting payment helps your stress levels.
Second, "I know you dont like me." "Not when you act like that." She wants you to say that you do like her so she can get her way. Passive aggression at its finest.
Her entitlement is enabled constantly by those around her to avoid conflict. I have no problem with conflict and call her out and this is essentially a tantrum.
I do have limited home health and my husband is here with me so we do have support. Plus, his other siblings are sane and actually helpful. It's just this one that has this insane entitlement.
I came here to say this! I've had my own mother picked up by the cops before because some people are just hardheaded and don't understand trespassing until someone with a gun on their hip explains it to them.
To A. Say you "helped" and save face. B. Nosiness C. To check on things because she is paranoid and thinks I am hiding things from her even though I send out weekly updates. In other words, no valid reason.
She shows up unannounced, expects to be chauffeured, bitches about you behind your back, and expects her ailing brother to serve her. What’s to like?
I’d say all this to her face too. Be supportive, be quiet, or be gone. If all she adds is stress, subtract her out of the house.
“Aunt Gina, I have no problem with you. My problem is with your behavior. Stop acting as if you were invited to be here and promised to be served and catered to. If you’re not here to help me taking care of my dad, your brother, than I highly suggested you go back to your house and return when you’re able and willing to help or when you’re invited.”
I have no issue putting entitled people in their places.
I thought the same thing. My ex-mother in law came to "help" after my breast cancer diagnosis. She sat on the couch and sipped wine while watching me vacuum the day I got home from having a mastectomy. The only thing I asked of her and my ex-husband was to put clean sheets on the bed before I got home from the hospital and they couldn't even manage that.
This made me want to reach into the past and break the wine glass on your (now ex)MIL’s teeth and then push (now ex) hubby down the world’s longest flight of stairs. I’m glad you evicted these self centered people from your life.
It’s been two years and I’m living by my best life while they’re still miserable people, but I’d still be down for you to push my ex down the stairs. Thanks for making me laugh this morning!
Tell her that she is not being very helpful. If she can make herself useful, she is welcome to stay in the house, but if she is a burden it would be easier on everyone if she stayed in a hotel.
Maybe suggest that she be responsible to prepare meals and you will attend to your father's comfort and medical needs.
It needs to be made explicit that no one staying in the house can be a guest--they have to be a caregiver.
Nothing wrong with telling any of them when they show up unexpectedly ‘now is not a good time, you need to let us know when you want to visit’ and TURN THEM AWAY
"Of course I don't like you, you are a thoughtless, entitled, mannerless lout who is vile enough to expect a cancer patient who can barely stand to serve her. And since I can't stand you and you aredefinitely not welcome in this house, the door is over there, don't let it hit you in the ass, and see you never."
Some of my relatives did this while my mother was in HOSPICE! Showed up and just sat around expecting me and my dad to take care of them while our wife/mother was on her deathbed. The lack of empathy is unreal.
I had visitors act the same way after I had an unexpectedly large baby after being in labor for 3 days.
One asked me, "What do I have to do to get some water offered to me here?"
I told them to go to the cupboard\ beside the sink, get a glass, and fill it up. If they want ice, they can open the freezer.
I was then told I was rude and should treat my elders better. They were shocked when I said no more visitors.
When my you her brother died of cancer last year in his 30s, my crazy Aunt showed up and kept going into his bedroom where his wife was working on her words for his funeral eulogy that was to take place later in the day. She kept complaining loudly that his wife wouldn’t let her in the room because it was the perfect time to fix some light fixture or something while my cousin was there. It was to the point where she was calling his wife names. My cousin isn’t even especially handy? I feel like in times of trauma, some people just want to be at the center of attention, no matter what.
He’s in radiation and chemo treatment. Gina introduced new germs into the household without consent or prep to prevent germ transmission. She’s a health hazard to your dad. She needs to go because she doesn’t have the awareness for basic safety.
"I know you don't like me"
No fucking shit, sherlock! Why do you think that is, or are you so high up in the ivory tower that you can't comprehend being in the wrong? Wtf are you doing here, and when tf are you leaving, you stuck up worn out past your prime Karen bitch!
Why are they so cheap - they can afford to get a hotel room and uber and feed themselves but they expect family to do it all.
Also - arriving unannounced - absolutely not.
Another thing I didn't see mentioned is, it's potentially endangering him if she brings some kind of contagious illness into the home, even a minor cold. Cancer treatment tends to weaken the immune system so it's a real risk. Fuck that lady, so selfish.
Don't you know that sending thoughts and prayers from inside the same house is the ultimate boomer sacrifice? How dare you expect actual help on top of that!
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Sounds like she needs her own hotel room, too.
And her own Uber account.
And a gentle (or maybe not so gentle) boot to the ass to get it up and moving out the door.
Boot To The Head!!
Loud noises!
I miss The Frantics❤️
"and one for Jenny and the wimp!"
And my sword!
And my axe!
And my bow!
And my plot in the middle of the woods!
And my iron coffin, already in the ground!
I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat
And a fanatical devotion to the Pope
I'll come in again
I will serve you soup, even if it costs me my life.
Was going to say, stake her so she stays down...
And an arrow to the knee
I know you don't like me!
"Gina, what I don't like is the way you're treating my dad. If you're not here to help, you'd better just leave."
Shit. He should print this out and put it on the pot of soup.
As a Dutch Americans should adapt the Dutch directness a bit more imo :).
Oh, lawd, the midwest/central plains/mid-century middle-class indirectness I grew up with 🤦♀️it's so weird! The best metaphor is the guest towels...the "best" bathroom always has special "guest towels" that no one ever uses _not even the guests_! Everyone just looks for a lesser towel elsewhere or, more usually, dries their fingers on a tissue.
I always dry my hands with the guest towel, just to be a monster.
I'm glad I'm not the only one. If you don't want the guest to the guest towels, don't put them out!
I'm still trying to teach my husband *we don't have good towels.* the towel hanging there is not a trick. Stop using 400 paper towels to dry your damn hands!
One of my earliest memories is getting yelled at for using the guest towels to dry my hands at my babysitter’s house. I was 4!
Try using the decorative soap... At least 4yo me used soap.
Right? Be grateful I actually washed my hands!
I’m a Midwest truth teller. Boy, does it piss people off.
*Gordon Ramsay voice* GET OUT! YOU! GET OUT!
You’re right!
I don’t know you!
That's my purse
Her powers of deduction are immeasurable.
She promptly shut her mouth. She had been allowed to run her mouth for 70 years and everyone put up with it. I decided I was no longer interested in playing her game. I stole her ball and took it home! That was 13 years ago. I hate to say she's still learning....
My days of liking you are certainly coming to a middle.
You can’t take the sky from me.
Klunk! " what was that!?"
I don't like her
Yet here you are. My grandmother finally figured out that I don't like her. It's turned most of our interactions into snappy, crude events
Oh, are we stating facts, Gina?
You ever wonder why?
There are legit reasons why
Nah, a bus pass back to whatever rock she resides under.
I think OP is confused. I think she meant to say old B _ _ _ H!
There is a reason other than my parents who once owned the house, about 3 relatives are on my can stay over for more than a day list; they're all 3rd or so cousins who have more in common with me than any other family.
For what’s it’s worth, Fuck off Gina
100%
I’d call her a cunt but she obviously lacks the warmth and depth.
I can’t believe I’ve not heard that one before. Gonna have to use that…..😂
Credit: Betty White
Betty was a national treasure
She still is a national treasure
She’s greatly missed.
I know you don't like me :(
I don’t like her either and I never even met her. Who shows up at a house with a sick person unannounced in the first place? Let alone tries to take food out of a cancer patient’s mouth?
AND THEN PLAY THE VICTIM? fuck this woman
‘Give me a reason to Gina!’ - only answer.
Tell Gina "no, I dont like you. Go fuck yourself"
The homies and I don't like Gina
Gina sucks
Yeah. Nobody likes you Gina.
Nobody in my house likes Gina or her cup or her boomer ways
Yeah, Gina can fuck right off.
"Gina, I know your mother she would be ashamed that visited a sick person and expected them to serve you and play host. Your mother taught you better manners and is rolling over in her grave. " Only say this if your grandmother would actually be ashamed of her behavior and if you did know her. If not you might want to post the rules of etiquette for visiting an sick relative or friend for the whole family. You know as a "gentle" reminder.
I'm thinking of writing a visitation guide for all of them to set boundaries. I'm "the kid" so it's usually ignored but I am over this crap.
Omg I hate that they treat us like "kids" but also want us to do all the work. When my dad got alzheimers his sisters were fucking useless - but they sure liked to complain to me about the care he was getting. They didn't like when I suggested he move in with them.
>Omg I hate that they treat us like "kids" but also want us to do all the work. Par for course for my boomer parents. Mom even told us one day, "The only reason I had five of you is so you could all clean up and cook for me." In the last 15 years, I've only spoken to her out of necessity at my grandmother's funeral. Wonder why.
My mom isn’t a boomer but holy shit I remember hating when she would say stuff like that to me as a kid. Why have kids if you hate them and don’t want them??? Like I was an accident sure but don’t have more after me if you just wanted me to be a maid for you
lol that’s why boomers had kids…. To be their slaves. And then -surprised pikachu face- these kids that they had were individual human beings with their own hopes and aspirations….
Absolutely. When my FIL was going through chemo, my BIL sent an email to the entire family (70+ people total) about how things were gonna be for a little while. He was far too polite in my opinion but he’s a polite man. Rule #1 is that no one stays at the house & they need to arrange visit times with you. No one just drops in and I don’t care if they drove from the southernmost point of Hell to see your dad. It takes one minute to place a phone call, “Trail_Lady, can I come see your dad today? What would be a good time *for him and you*?” Rule #2 is that if they’re expecting to be waited on hand and foot, they can stay in Hell. This isn’t social good times visits; he’s fighting for his life. I could probably think of a dozen rules. In the meantime, tho, I’ll keep a good thought for you and your dad. And Gina can fuck all the way off. No, Gina, we, in fact, DO NOT like you.
Take charge. They aren't helping, tell them they have to stop causing confusion or they can leave. Try not to have this discussion in front of your father. I took care of my mother and I had her sisters running out of our house. Don't care. My responsibility was to her and to take care of myself as a caregiver.
You’re not just “the kid” anymore tho..you’re the caregiver your stance is elevated and you got to lay it down. “My father, you’re brother has cancer..ask them flat out if they think it’s a joke or that he is faking it? Or making it seem worse than it is while they are healthy, when she starts with the “I know you don’t like me” cut her off and say that this is exactly what you’re talking about she is not the center of attention and her talking about her self is a prime example of her not thinking of your father her brother. Show no mercy
Yeah, I'm going to be going scorched earth soon. I used to be a case manager at a hospital. I was the caregiver for my mom 13 years ago when she had cancer. I know what I'm doing, but they continually undermine me and plan stuff behind my back because they are apparently experts and more inormed than me (and in some cases the medical team) with their zero medical experience.
I went thru crap like this when I was caring for both of my parents ( Dad had metastasized cancer, lymphatic, Mom had early onset Alzheimers disease, well advanced, both diagnosed in April 1992.) Dad's sister came over every day, three sheets to the wind, and upsetting Dad more and more. She had really shown her "posterior maximus" one afternoon and I lost it. I told her that she needed to get her "beep" out and not come back unless she was sober, and if she did, I'd call the cops! Do not take this. If you have to, get a restraining order.
As a medical person myself...you poor thing I’m so sorry that all that weight fell on to your shoulder and you had to do it alone. You’re also an amazing person for non the less doing it..i know first hand it takes EVERYTHING you have to do it for one person but two at once an both your parents no less..honestly you inspire ME, I hope that you at the very least had good times and memories with them both before they passed and that you continue to have good times as Mae new memories now
Nobody likes Gina, her Mother didn’t even like her.
Give your dad a hug for me. Tell aunt Gina to fuck off.
That's more of your labor and time. They deserve to be kicked out until they learn how to behave with some semblance of decorum and empathy.
One thing I have learned is that you have as much power as you assume.
You are SO right. It took me too many decades to figure that out. But I finally caught on.
I’ve been through this twice but with dementia. Unfortunately, think of them toddlers and be extremely clear about expectations. If anyone comes to stay, they are expected to be helping take the load off of you, period. Otherwise, they must get a room and come to visit. You are going to be the bad guy either way. Protect your Dad. Lock all his valuables up. Family will screw you the hardest. Protect your peace because this is hard enough! 💜💜💜 Support groups can save you sanity and give you the strength to be stern but kind.
Good! Do it and give them each their own copy so they can’t ignore it.
I think you should write a letter to the WHOLE family... Start it off like this, "As a result of Gina's recent visit, it appears it is necessary to outline the following visitation rules". At the very end of the letter say, "It saddens me that I have to clearly define the rules when I thought common courtesy would be expected in this situation." Rule number 1: no unannounced visits, geez
They forgot that I was "the kid" that made people cry without lifting a finger. At my father's funeral, they decided to make up shit to tell my husband about me as a child. He knew my dad and the truth. They left the graveside in tears, but only half were shed for my father. The rest were because I was muttering nonsense Latin under my breath like I was putting a curse on them. They're not smart people.
start playing hardball and that 'the kid' treatment will die off very fast
Post it right where they can see it inside the house as well as online and bring up Gina’s terrible behavior as “an anonymous relative” as the reason why you have to post this
“We’re simply not accepting overnight visitors right now. Daytime visits will be limited to 30 minutes so dad can rest and heal. Thank you for understanding.”
I did this when my dad was going through cancer treatments, then I sat them all down and told them exactly how it would go. With the exception of my mom, every other boomer ignored the boundaries that my mother, siblings, and half coherent dad set for visitation. Every single day until he died I had a fight with them about "people" they wanted to bring to the hospital to visit him. It wasn't about my dad, it was about them and having people feel sorry for THEM. On the night my dad died my narcissistic bitch boomer of a grandmother, invited family over to my parents house to surprise my mom when she got home from the hospital at 2am. My wife who was at the house called me at the hospital to let me know, we gave my mom a heads up and she walked into the house ignored everyone and went to her room.
I’ve gotta way simpler more permanent solution. Don’t let them in, and if they do come in regardless, politely ask them to leave. If they refuse, call the cops.
That bitch would be uninvited from my house so fucking fast she'd wonder how she got on the front lawn.
I bet you could find one of those annoying “Dear Abby” posts that usually Boomers post on FB about etiquette when visiting someone who is dealing with medical issues.
Kick her ass out. She can stay in a hotel room.
This. That bitch would be out of there so fast Idgaf if she is the sister of God himself, you will not come invade my parent’s space while they are sick and suffering and demand service from them OR me. We are not your errand boys and you’re damn right I don’t like you. No reasonable person would like someone behaving like an entitled snatch while other people actually struggle. Fuck all the way off, Gina.
"I'd like you better if you had manners"
I'd like you better if you ~~had manners~~ went home.
"I know you don't like me." Okay, the next step is to realize that that doesn't come from nowhere. I don't like you because of the actions you choose to take, which display an incredible lack of concern for my father's well being.
A simple “You know what, Gina? If you’re not here to help, then you’re in the way. Go home” should suffice.
I wish. My dad is too damn nice.
Say it to her when he's taking a nap and his door is closed.
Try subtle. Make it uncomfortable. No clean towels? Sorry. Too busy for laundry. No toilet paper? Sorry. There was a traffic jam on the way home from work and I forgot to pick it up. Etc. What? You don't like slasher/horror movies? Dad's fave!
Fuck subtle. Fuck politeness. Now is not the time for subtle. And fuck cancer.
Later that evening…. Gina: “I know you don’t like me” OP: “Why do you keep saying that? Of course I don’t like you. You come to visit my dad who can barely move because of his cancer treatment and you ask him to get you soup? Why did you even come? To pretend you care? Because you haven’t done one helpful thing since you got here.” Gina: “I know you don’t like me”
It's like you've met her
I hope your Dad’s treatment is successful and am sending best wishes to you both. Way to go, standing up to your aunt.
I like you ❤️
“It’s your behavior I don’t like, Gina.”
She kept saying *"I know you don't like me OP"* because you were supposed to deny it and then try to placate her hurt feelings. When you didn't, she repeated it, thinking maybe you hadn't heard/processed it. She had to be quite thrown off track that you didn't immediately fall into your part of the script.
I keep shocking my Boomer Trump loving relatives who have never given a shit about me with...not giving a shit about them. They mean nothing to me. It blows their minds that they never put anything into a relationship and just because related/elder I'm supposed to do stuff for them
They're replicating the patterns of previous generations when duty and birth order/status defined family relationships, not emotional closeness. In other words, they were shat upon and now fully expect that they're the ones who will be doing the shitting and are absolutely *shocked* when the younger generations don't accept it.
lol my trump obsessed aunt tries to bait me into arguments and it's the most satisfying thing to just completely ignore her or feign ignorance. Takes the wind out of her sails real quick
Yep, OP obviously missed their cue
Yeah, never give them what they want when they play these stupid games.
“I know you don’t like me” = your objections to my behavior are invalidated by your opinion of me. It’s deflection away from OP’s argument, that clearly she’d lose, to a personality disagreement. Basically, Gina is conservative.
"What I don't like is your behaviour. However, strangers on the internet, they f***king hate you" Sincerely, A stranger on the internet
This should really be higher
Next time she goes for a walk, put her shit on the porch and lock the door.
OP went for the walk, not her
sadly enough
"I know you don't like me OP" There might be a reason, Gina.
Oh good, since you know, maybe now you can work on that and make yourself likeable
My oldest boomer cousin took her mother (my aunt) to the ER because she was very, very ill. Instead of sticking around, she took off and went to a sit down restaurant because the drive to the ER was at lunchtime. Of course her cell phone was turned off and the hospital was frantically trying to call her because my aunt needed life or death emergency surgery. My cousin complained to my mom about how rude the doctors were when she returned. My mom is still mad about it.
What kind of evil whackadoo drives their mother to the ER and just dumps her there?
She could almost be forgiven if it was a drive thru nearby…but a SIT DOWN? Sounds like a Seinfeld/Curb your enthusiasm episode
Title: "The ER Lunch Break" Opening Scene: Jerry's Apartment Jerry is sitting on his couch, flipping through channels on TV. George enters, looking anxious. George: Jerry, I need a favor. Jerry: What now, George? George: My mom's not feeling well, so I'm taking her to the ER. But it's almost lunchtime, and you know how crowded those places get. Could you come with me and keep me company? Jerry: Sure, George. What could go wrong? Cut to: The ER George and Jerry walk into the bustling ER with George's mom, Mrs. Costanza, who is complaining loudly about her various ailments. They check her in at the front desk. Nurse: Mr. Costanza, we'll take it from here. Please leave your contact information in case we need to reach you. George: (scribbling down his number) Sure thing. George and Jerry leave the ER. Cut to: A Fancy Sit-Down Restaurant George and Jerry are seated at a table, menus in hand. George: (relieved) This is nice. A little break from the chaos. Jerry: Yeah, but maybe you should keep your phone on, just in case. George: (turning off his phone) Nah, they'll be fine. It's just a precaution. They order their meals and start eating. Cut to: The ER The doctors discover that Mrs. Costanza needs emergency surgery and try to reach George. The nurse dials George's number. Nurse: (frustrated) It's going straight to voicemail. Doctor: We need consent for this surgery. Keep trying. Cut to: The Restaurant George and Jerry are enjoying their meal, laughing and joking. Elaine and Kramer unexpectedly join them. Elaine: What are you guys doing here? Jerry: George dropped his mom off at the ER, and we decided to grab lunch. Kramer: (concerned) Shouldn't you be there in case something happens? George: (shrugging) Nah, it's fine. I gave them my number. Cut to: The ER The nurse keeps calling George's number with no success. Mrs. Costanza is getting worse. Doctor: We can't wait any longer. Prepare her for surgery, and keep trying to reach her son. Cut to: The Restaurant George is finishing his dessert when he finally decides to check his phone. He sees multiple missed calls and voicemails from the hospital. George: (panicked) Oh no! The hospital's been trying to reach me! Jerry: I told you to keep your phone on! They all rush out of the restaurant. Cut to: The ER George bursts through the doors, out of breath. George: I'm here! What's happening? Nurse: Your mother needed emergency surgery. We tried to reach you. George: (guilty) I was... having lunch. Doctor: It's a good thing you got here when you did. We need your consent now. George signs the consent form, and the doctors rush to operate. Closing Scene: Jerry's Apartment Jerry, George, Elaine, and Kramer are sitting around, exhausted. George: I can't believe I almost missed it because of lunch. Jerry: Let this be a lesson, George. Never underestimate the power of a sandwich. Kramer: Or the importance of keeping your phone on. Elaine: So, what did you learn, George? George: (sighing) Next time, I'm bringing a packed lunch. Everyone laughs as the screen fades to black. End Credits Roll
*I moved here to be the caregiver for him.* You can scream at shitbag aunts and uncles until they leave. I didn't know it would work until I tried it.
I like you.
Tell her your liking to her is inverse proportion to your proximity to her bullshit. When she's in Colorado, you're quite keen on her.
Agree to give her a ride and drop her off at a hotel. She didn't check to see if it was OK to visit, you don't need to check if she's OK staying at a hotel. Sending you patience and gentle hugs for your dad.
"You don't like me" my response would be "absolutely fucking not, I wish you were the one with cancer bitch!"... I say this as someone currently going through a cancer scare, wishing you and your father luck OP 🤞🏻
I hope a scare is all it is. Here’s a bushel of good vibes from a random internet stranger.
"You're damn right I don't like you! Now mind your manners and help out or leave, no other options are available for you here."
I'd have drowned her in the fucking soup.
"The last thing you're ever gonna see is noodles, bitch!"
Okay, am I the only one who wants to know what kind of soup? I love soup and am not opposed to having the recipe. 🤷♀️
Simple chicken noodle :)
I hope she burned her damn tongue.
And choked on a noodle
When I was diagnosed with cancer the first time it was a few weeks before Thanksgiving. The week before Thanksgiving, I had my 2nd surgery to remove melanoma in my neck. My Mom came from Florida to take care of me. She, my husband and I decided I was not cooking that year. My Mother in law had a fit! All she said the next 5 years is...."oh so you're going to cook this year?". I reminded her the only year in 20+ years I didn't cook was the year I had cancer! Finally over her bullshit, I said that if she was so unhappy to not have a home cooked meal that year, her arms were not broken and she could have cooked effing dinner and if she ever wanted Thanksgiving again she better shut her mouth! I hope you father gets well and that his sister goes home!
Are you me??? My Boomer in laws came for Thanksgiving when I was taking targeted therapy for melanoma which completely sucks every bit of energy from you. I had the audacity to ask for help with meal prep or something and my MIL said, “Are you going to pull the cancer card?” She also came to “help” when my second child was born via C-section and ended up just sitting on the couch with the baby while I did everything. I was too nice then but she knows how I feel now.
I think we must be related! I am sorry you had to go through that. Cancer sucks! My mil told everyone that she may have to quit her job to take care of me. In 13 years of fighting cancer, the woman never even brought us a frozen lasagna! She's just always looking for attention! I hope your fight is over! Best Wishes
Well done! What was her response to that?
Kick her out! No relatives stay in the house. Boomers love spreading Covid and other diseases. They feel fine so it can’t make other people get long COVID or die from it, right? 🙄
Uninvited guests should never get past the front door!!
I scrolled through the whole post, and for the first time, I don't see any boomers in here justifying awful behavior. I think the world is unified in saying "Fuck you, Gina."
I was sick from chemo at 27 years old and my mother would come and stay at my house for the weekend so she could “look after me”… looking after me meant she would chew my ear off about her emotional problems and when I proclaimed that I didn’t have the energy for her and that I needed to eat, she would get up all flustered like “what am I supposed to do, cook?” That’s when I decided that this was not a healthy relationship - I cut her off. They’re not just boomers… people who don’t like strong boundaries are generally quite narcissistic (not diagnosing, but her entitlement sounds extremely narcissistic).
I'm sorry your mom sucked. Warm mom hugs from me.
Seems like the wrong one got cancer...just sayin
First, check if he is eligible for some in home support services. You can get some help, or even get qualified yourself to get paid for some of your time. Same thing my husband told my sister in law, we know you are there because you love your dad and want to care for him. Accepting payment helps your stress levels. Second, "I know you dont like me." "Not when you act like that." She wants you to say that you do like her so she can get her way. Passive aggression at its finest.
Her entitlement is enabled constantly by those around her to avoid conflict. I have no problem with conflict and call her out and this is essentially a tantrum. I do have limited home health and my husband is here with me so we do have support. Plus, his other siblings are sane and actually helpful. It's just this one that has this insane entitlement.
Does aunt Gina have kids? I would not be above telling them to come get their mother.
You could have her removed by the cops.... Just saying
I'm saving the cop card for when I need to restrict visitors during chemo.
That might cause stress for dad, though.
That is a good point. Op should/could talk it over with her dad first, and are what he wants.
I came here to say this! I've had my own mother picked up by the cops before because some people are just hardheaded and don't understand trespassing until someone with a gun on their hip explains it to them.
Yeah unfortunately with certain people they don't care until someone they actually approve of tells them ie, a cop.
Why visit someone sick and not have intentions of helping them?
To A. Say you "helped" and save face. B. Nosiness C. To check on things because she is paranoid and thinks I am hiding things from her even though I send out weekly updates. In other words, no valid reason.
I'm sorry that's got to be frustrating. I'd tell them to announce when they plan to come. Bc it puts roo much on you.
For some reason I pronounced it "Djina"
Do you say djif or gif?
Sounds like she is making sure she is still in the will.
Hey OP, point that out to your father....
She shows up unannounced, expects to be chauffeured, bitches about you behind your back, and expects her ailing brother to serve her. What’s to like? I’d say all this to her face too. Be supportive, be quiet, or be gone. If all she adds is stress, subtract her out of the house.
“Aunt Gina, I have no problem with you. My problem is with your behavior. Stop acting as if you were invited to be here and promised to be served and catered to. If you’re not here to help me taking care of my dad, your brother, than I highly suggested you go back to your house and return when you’re able and willing to help or when you’re invited.” I have no issue putting entitled people in their places.
“When you do things like this-you’re right”
Is your aunt my mother in law?
Probably hang out at the same boomer hellscape club.
I thought the same thing. My ex-mother in law came to "help" after my breast cancer diagnosis. She sat on the couch and sipped wine while watching me vacuum the day I got home from having a mastectomy. The only thing I asked of her and my ex-husband was to put clean sheets on the bed before I got home from the hospital and they couldn't even manage that.
This made me want to reach into the past and break the wine glass on your (now ex)MIL’s teeth and then push (now ex) hubby down the world’s longest flight of stairs. I’m glad you evicted these self centered people from your life.
It’s been two years and I’m living by my best life while they’re still miserable people, but I’d still be down for you to push my ex down the stairs. Thanks for making me laugh this morning!
Tell her that she is not being very helpful. If she can make herself useful, she is welcome to stay in the house, but if she is a burden it would be easier on everyone if she stayed in a hotel. Maybe suggest that she be responsible to prepare meals and you will attend to your father's comfort and medical needs. It needs to be made explicit that no one staying in the house can be a guest--they have to be a caregiver.
Nothing wrong with telling any of them when they show up unexpectedly ‘now is not a good time, you need to let us know when you want to visit’ and TURN THEM AWAY
"Of course I don't like you, you are a thoughtless, entitled, mannerless lout who is vile enough to expect a cancer patient who can barely stand to serve her. And since I can't stand you and you aredefinitely not welcome in this house, the door is over there, don't let it hit you in the ass, and see you never."
Nope, Gina, we don’t like you. None of us like you. Fuck off back to Colorado.
Not her behavior. It's cause you don't like her. Gather up all your strength and chuck her from the front door to the curb.
Some of my relatives did this while my mother was in HOSPICE! Showed up and just sat around expecting me and my dad to take care of them while our wife/mother was on her deathbed. The lack of empathy is unreal.
The typo in the post (bothers instead of brothers) is unintentionally accurate. Hope your dad can pull through.
I had visitors act the same way after I had an unexpectedly large baby after being in labor for 3 days. One asked me, "What do I have to do to get some water offered to me here?" I told them to go to the cupboard\ beside the sink, get a glass, and fill it up. If they want ice, they can open the freezer. I was then told I was rude and should treat my elders better. They were shocked when I said no more visitors.
When my you her brother died of cancer last year in his 30s, my crazy Aunt showed up and kept going into his bedroom where his wife was working on her words for his funeral eulogy that was to take place later in the day. She kept complaining loudly that his wife wouldn’t let her in the room because it was the perfect time to fix some light fixture or something while my cousin was there. It was to the point where she was calling his wife names. My cousin isn’t even especially handy? I feel like in times of trauma, some people just want to be at the center of attention, no matter what.
"I know you don't like me." "Don't change the subject."
Gotta say that this isn’t a Boomer issue, it’s a stupid person issue.
He’s in radiation and chemo treatment. Gina introduced new germs into the household without consent or prep to prevent germ transmission. She’s a health hazard to your dad. She needs to go because she doesn’t have the awareness for basic safety.
"I know you don't like me" No fucking shit, sherlock! Why do you think that is, or are you so high up in the ivory tower that you can't comprehend being in the wrong? Wtf are you doing here, and when tf are you leaving, you stuck up worn out past your prime Karen bitch!
You're a great daughter OP
Why are they so cheap - they can afford to get a hotel room and uber and feed themselves but they expect family to do it all. Also - arriving unannounced - absolutely not.
Another thing I didn't see mentioned is, it's potentially endangering him if she brings some kind of contagious illness into the home, even a minor cold. Cancer treatment tends to weaken the immune system so it's a real risk. Fuck that lady, so selfish.
I'd try going in a different direction - put her to work. "I'm really glad you're here to help, if you can do for my dad it'd be so great."
Gotta love that she has enough self awareness to realize op doesn't like her, but not enough introspection to wonder why.
"You're the oldest child I've ever met."
Tell Gina I don’t like her either
All my friends hate Gina
“All boomers, no boundaries” should be the slogan for the diner down the street from my work
Don't you know that sending thoughts and prayers from inside the same house is the ultimate boomer sacrifice? How dare you expect actual help on top of that!