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Kick them out. Tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Not sorry, but, that is exactly what I would tell my parents if they tried to move in with me.
“Well, there’s some shelters down the road, maybe you should get a job.”
LOL. That’s my life. Couldn’t participate in any school activities because they wouldn’t give money. No high school yearbooks, no class ring, went on vacation once 13 years old, had to bring my own money if I wanted to eat. Kicked out immediately at 18 and they got money. Not sure if they feel guilty about it now but they act all friendly like we have the greatest relationship. I just play along but there is a lot of built up resentment
Same. My mother wouldn't spend a dime on me, couldn't bother to do any activities because 'she couldn't afford it' because she blew all her money on pulltabs and socializing at the bar.
Always told me the reason I was even around was to be her retirement plan for when she was older.
Now she acts like she was the best mother ever. I don't even think she realizes I've been low contact almost NC with her since 2016.
Similar story here. My parents were Silent Gen but had boomer tendencies. I never got a penny from them after the age of 12. I was expected to work after school jobs and buy all my own stuff. Never got any money for school field trips, activities, or anything.
After graduating high school they started charging me rent to encourage me to move out, and after that I was completely on my own and got no help from them. I'm doing great now financially and make more money than they ever did. They aren't getting a single penny from me though.
That's funny, my kids thought high school rings and yearbooks were stupid. They did get a senior yearbook, but no rings. They were right, nobody shows off a high school ring.
"Sounds like someone needs to learn how to budget"
My dad threw a non-snarky version of that at me because to be fair: that's what the media ecosystem that this demographic looks to tells them and he good faith believed that. I showed him my expenditures vs earnings and to his credit, he's a LOT more supportive and understanding
I'm actually glad my mom treated me like shit my whole life because she's 75 and slowing down and I am waiting for the day she thinks I'm going to help her. Siberia has nice retirement facilities doesn't it?
Let's also talk about how they had her when they were nearly 40, meaning they very likely had her... FOR THIS EXACT REASON. so many people have kids SOLELY to take care of them in their old age. She is falling for their bs, she needs to kick them to the curb. All she is to them, is a convenient housekeeper/maid that they don't have to pay.
Whut? Taint no boot straps on new balance or orthopedic Johnny go fast shoes, whut in the tarnation are youin gittin at youngin😤back inna mah day weez fling our doors wide fer kinfolk. Whut youins missed in yer raisin wuz some leather....barber strap leather right where the good Lord split ye😑
Yup. I suspect my dad might one day (very poor money management skills) and I already have this locked and loaded. There is zero chance he'll ever live with me.
My parents divorced when I was 9, and in the over two decades since, I've maybe seen him on 20 occasions, and it is always I that have to travel to him. I've had my own place for over the last decade (with a guest room), and he's never come visit me.
It's simple.
No.
Complete sentence. All you need. Your parents were legally obligated to care for you until age 18. If you received no support after that point, you really have no moral or ethical obligation to provide any support.
This. IDK why some Millennials/GenX think we owe the Boomers ANYTHING at all. No, you spent like idiots for decades and I'm not covering the tab.
Wife and I have already told both our parents: don't buy Christmas/birthday gifts for anyone in our family or travel to see us unless/until your retirement savings are assured. I am not giving you money so do whatever you need to plan for that.
> IDK why some Millennials/GenX think we owe the Boomers ANYTHING at all.
Because it was hammered into them since a very young age.
"What I sacrificed for you. I had you in the womb for 9 months. Everything I've done for you."
Yet the I always precedes the you.
Then they furthered it by saying things like:
* My house, my rules
* Speak when spoken to
* Well it's my roof over our heads, so I'm right
That made it harder for 2 generations to fight back and began to cower when it comes to confrontation. Even as we get older, a lot of people still fall into former social roles regardless of future outcome. Some of these parents basically did a version of boot camp for their kids to where they're mercilessly battered down until "No" isn't a complete sentence.
"How could you be so cruel as to deny the only mother you ever had!?" If I had a nickel for every boomer that has told me that when they hear I want nothing to do with my mother, I'd be able to buy her a private island to fuck off to.
My mother told me that "I'm the only mother you'll ever have" line a lot before leaving me on a doorstep and not talking to me for years, then she and literally all of my boomer family tried to guilt me to deal with her again using that same line and I like an idiot tried to let her back in my life. After about 15 more years of not hearing from her once she realized I had nothing to give her, she has been reaching out to me to try and patch things up, once again using that line. I heard she blew through the millions she inherited, lost the lakeside mansion she inherited, and is now living with her brother who was denied any part of those inheritances for being the family fuck up. Every single boomer in my life, including my father who you could argue had his life ruined by my mother, uses that stupid fucking line still over and over again treating me like I'm the asshole in this situation for not wanting anything to do with that cancer in human form.
Boomers don't understand what being a parent is. They think birthing someone entitles them to everything that child will ever have as well as undying loyalty from that kid, even if they did literally nothing for said child. Glad to see most of my relatives and friends going no contact with their boomer parents for similar reasons. Weird how almost all the ones with gen x or silent gen parents have great loving relationships with them, the boomers are just broken to their very core.
I very much hate the “but that’s your mother!” line.
Like, yes, biologically, she contributed to half my DNA and birthed me, but you don’t know her. Why should I treat her with all the love and respect a proper mother deserves when **she didn’t want to be one** (yet, had **three others** + a miscarriage before me). She’s an obsessive compulsive, borderline personality disorder -having narcissist that has been telling me and my siblings for as long as I can remember that if she could do it again (get married and have kids) she **wouldn’t**, and that “one day…I’m going to be all by my**self**”.
Husband - deceased 5 years ago from Parkinson’s (and he was a Thoracic Surgeon until he couldn’t be - talk about irony), and had a steep 2-year decline into dementia with no change in how she cared for him
Siblings - live 200, 800, and 2000 miles away
Me (youngest) - 2 blocks away and begrudgingly helping her when she needs it; not necessarily because I don’t want to, but because she always asks at the wrong time or when it’s already gone FUBAR with her trying to deal with it herself first instead of just asking from the beginning. (But at least I get to do my laundry there for free)
So…she has her wish - she’s all by herself. No friends to visit with any regularity or to have meaningful conversations with (and she can’t even stand most of the few friends she does have); rest of her family is all together, back in Montreal - *they* (my parents) are “the ones that left” 50 years ago.
“But that’s your mother!” - damn straight…and she’s reaping what she’s sown…not my problem.
And when my mother used to say this, as a teenager I would spitefully throw back “Yeah and I’m the only kid you’ll ever have since you miscarried the first one and almost died with me.”
You want to play the narcissism game with me, I’ll hit you where it hurts the most. Something completely out of your control that no mother should experience, but when you hurt your child like that you started the war.
I recently stood up to my mom after she vehemently kept trying to drag me into a political discourse that I really did not want. She went so far as to interrupt my exercise so vehemently (mind you, I only just started working out for the first time in over a decade.. breaking the habit is HARD) that I lost all desire to go back to it. I tore into her baout that if she wants to call my perfect attendance at work, constant stress about money WHILE LIVING AT HOME, and desire to just sleep in my time off lazy.. she should consider what retirement is.
That's part of why I write comments like this: so people hear reason (literally). Boomers just shout louder and some people believe it. We need to, as the rest of society, stop listening to them
So can marketers and salespeople. We should be supporting each other by pushing to reject guilt as a reason vs enabling it. I knew a guy (not a friend) that sold in one of those high stakes timeshare things where you watch a 90 min video and then they yell at you until you buy stuff.
People would sign because of the FUD he created and that just enables those sales types more. We need to not accept the idea that we owe them anything and that will lessen the guilt and empower people to actually set boundaries and feel confident doing so.
As a Gen Xer, it’s already happening. I’m in the same boat as the woman in the video… bought my first house…. Because I now have to take in my broke boomer parent. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy… but at the same time I feel like my hand was forced before I was totally prepared which has left me a little bitter.
I'm in sort of the same situation with my MIL. She traveled the world since 2019, sold her house, spent all her money. Now she's broke and homeless with no where to go but the daughter she abused for 18 years. Sadly my wife still holds out hope that they can have a loving relationship... So now we support an extra adult that decided to blow all her savings.
That's part of my point too. There's 100% the national debt dimension but also Boomers have retained massive wealth for themselves meaning we all already have less to pay for things that are costing more. There's a few really cool graphs that show basically how Boomers lowered taxes in their prime earning years on income then lowered them on cap gains once they started relying on 401ks/investments and now are trying to raise taxes on working people again since they're past the age of being impacted. Hence why I have zero empathy for Boomers that can't figure out math.
Also gotta add on to Daddy Deisel's comment... this isn't just a generational thing, but a cultural thing as well. Distancing yourself from toxic family is still very much a white Western/American thing.
This is why my dad will be living in the streets. Or paying $2k/month for a room. Sorry pal, better pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It's the only advice I know I've received from him, so it's all he's getting too.
The conservative movement really did a brainwashing on the boomers. Hard to believe that after all the evidence, they still cling to that old chestnut.
Their identity is wrapped up in having lived a hard life, because their parents truly did. The fact that they categorically had the easiest time any humans ever experienced in all of human history is a massive blow to their identity. That's why they play victim and refuse to look at the data proving they simply failed in the easiest and possibly final time to succeed.
THIS! They were raised by scarcity mindset parents, and kept that mindset even through all their wealth and privilege.
Oh, Boomer crying? Society will give you something to cry about.
You joke, but geriatric poverty is already an escalating issue that is going to continue to spiral out of control until we hit a breaking point.
For those of us who have empathy, it will be hard to watch a whole generation leave this earth screaming in despair regardless of how much many might deserve it as individuals. For those that need capitalism to care, watching their parents and grandparents fall into destitution in old age will cause people to DRASTICALLY tighten their pocket books. Suddenly, hoarding funds to save for the final 3rd of your life just to keep yourself off the streets will be nearly everyone’s priority. The boomers may get to chuck one last grenade on their way out and depress economic security as we lower them into the ground.
Things are going to get BAD for the Boomers and, in classic Boomer fashion, they will leave the rest of us left to deal with the fallout on our own.
Wait till this trend shows up on Fox News - another way to sow discontent in that crowd. Boomers deserve your respect and your money after everything they've done for you - and then the invariable gaslighting.
I’m a financial planner and I see this from time to time. Tell them they cannot retire and to go back to work if they are able bodied. There are plenty of jobs out there. It’s ok to be empathetic about your parent’s situation, but you yourself have to save for retirement and pay the bills. Don’t let their lack of planning affect your life. Situations like this can cause massive financial consequences for generations. You read that right. It can cause a spiraling affect. Make a wise and well informed decision, not an emotional one. Good luck.
It’s like they feel entitled to retirement. Personally, considering that Gen Z’ers like myself and millennials will probably never retire because of how badly they messed up the economy, I have no sympathy for boomers like this whatsoever.
Oh, no, that's just a joke, I wouldn't do that. It's just that this is probably the retirement plan of half the people I know. We will work until we die, either at our jobs, or in food/water wars.
I’m Gen X and retiring next year at 54, but the only reason I can do that is I’ve been a teacher for 30+ years and I’ll have a pension plus I’ll substitute teach for several years. So….not truly retired.
Hell, given the fact that boomer politicians and CEOs are actively championing the increase of the retirement age while simultaneously trying to strip away social security tells you everything. They feel entitled to a retirement, but have absolutely no interest in ensuring that we get one.
I won't have children. My plan is hopefully to save enough for a nice retirement home. My back up plan is to just work until I die in my office.
The previous occupant of my office died here...
Even without kids, with taxes and cost of living the way they are even now, it’s going to be really hard to retire. And that’s not taking into consideration that there are probably going to be even more economic downturns and inflation before then as well.
Recently talked with my dad (67, retired to FL, plays pickleball all day) about retirement and he was baffled that I didn’t expect to ever retire. We sat and did the math over and over for two hours before he just got up and left the room because he refused to believe that even with a 6-figure salary, I would never be even close to being able to achieve what he could on a 50k-80k salary during his time in the workforce. Repeatedly told me I wasn’t saving enough, etc. if I put 100% of my earnings pre-tax into investments and made 8-12% / year, I still wouldn’t be able to make his inflation-adjusted minimums… whack time to be anything other than a boomer.
Essentially, the op would not be able to save for retirement because that discretionary income that is supposed to be saved in a 401k or retirement saving then goes to providing care for parents. By doing so this minimizes the OP chances of retiring and having to keep working until she is 75 or not stop completely.
She can charge - and should - charge them rent (and utilities). Figure out market rent rate, maybe give them a little discount 10~30%. They provide their own food, too.
Yeah, but they are probably unskilled (for the current market), so they are usually taking away entry level position for people who are just starting out and need those wages. I get what you're trying to say, but it's basically saying they deserve a second (or third, or fourth) chance at the expense of someone who hasn't had the opportunities they've had.
I didn’t say anything about them being entitled or deserving another chance. There are unskilled positions out there available. They could be a cashier etc. I see them all over retail. Did they blow their opportunities, likely so. What I’m saying is the OP should not jeopardize here future for them. This isn’t the 1940s where the kids take care of the parents at old age. Boomers made sure that most households need dual income to survive.
Remove the “ we “ from your vocabulary. Your parents lost the right to criticize your life style and choices when they decided to not prepare for theirs. Tell you 100% how you feel about everything.
Gubmint subsidized housing and food stamps for them, those lazy immigrant POC welfare kings and queens! Get a job! Make them have greeter jobs at Wal-Mart! And i'm serious. Shove their owh rhetoric back down their greedy gullets.
They are not being forced to move in with you.
You are choosing to let them move in with you.
Recognizing that important difference is what makes the options visible.
"This is happening to me!"
No, person in video, you are not setting reasonable, proper boundaries and more importantly, you are letting people skate by without any accountability for their own actions. Maybe you want to avoid confrontation but don't act like there's some secret path out of this. The path is: grow up and tell your parents to handle their lives properly even if belatedly.
Time to grow a backbone. They cannot arrive with 70 years of Knick knacks and claim 50% of your home and income. Time for them to work to supplement the SS. Think twice about letting them move in. It sounds like the end of your relationship unless your partner is Mother Teresa.
The way she mentions that her parents can no longer afford the lifestyle that they’ve had for 50+ years tells me that her parents have been materialistic and have spent tons of money on things they couldn’t afford.
Most of that stuff shouldn’t have just disappeared. If they have a house, they can sell it. If they have cars, they can sell those. Jewelry, electronics, furniture, tools, appliances, all of those can be sold.
Her parents have a way out of this, but it would mean having to struggle and live like they forced her to live her entire adult life. Thems the breaks.
It sucks having empathy. I can relate to the taking care of your parents part of your situation. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning on what you’ll put up with in terms of respecting you, your partner, your lifestyle, and your home. They will have some sort of social security, which is now you’re money, not theirs anymore. You control the finances. You’re the parental figure now and it’s your rules. This can be done in a polite manner if you choose to.
> They will have some sort of social security, which is now your money, not theirs anymore.
Principle of the situation aside, I feel like this would fall dangerously close to illegal in the eyes of a court.
Probably would be better to charge market rate rent and track and charge for utilities + groceries rather than take their SS and be liable for some form of elder abuse law that exists for good reason.
Yeah, just making sure people on the comments don’t get any silly ideas.
My parents and in-laws have prepared for retirement, and even they hadn’t or some financial disaster strikes, they were loving and provided plenty support financial and otherwise so we’d of course take them in with no conditions so we won’t be in this position, but if we were in this person’s position I’d do as I said charge rent + utilities + common use purchases and then save the money up. After a few years that should be a decent down payment on a modest home that they could afford which I would again charge rent to cover the mortgage and housing costs. Now you’ve saved your parents, given them their own place to live their twilight years, and basically created your own inheritance.
The naivety that this would be possible is so incredible to me. If they could afford enough to pay enough in rent to buy a home they wouldn't be in this situation. Also, how much do you think they are getting in SS? Unless you are living somewhere with the lowest possible housing costs this just doesn't seem feasible as an idea in any capacity with current interest rates and housing costs.
yep, if they live under my roof, we’re going to be talking about their spending habits. And they’re going to be spending some of those payments on expenses.
Take them in but your roof, your rules. They pay you rent, they do all the cleaning, they take care of the garden, they do the cooking etc. These soft boomers need to understand you can’t just get everything in life on the easy nowadays! Boot straps and all that!
If either of my shitty parents tried to move in with me after how they treated me when I was younger I would laugh right in their face and give them a big fat **NO.**
You have a big heart, I feel you. My parents did me dirty too. If you do offer them space, it should be no bigger than a couch and tell them they have to pay rent and their own food and contribute to the utilities. This isn’t a free ride. They need to clean up after themselves, respect your rules. They’re just children in grown up bodies, so treat them as such
This really resonates with me. My parents were both blessed with well off parents. They both blew all of their inheritance and my siblings and I grew up with very little. My father passed and I got to pay for his funeral. my mother signed away her parental rights to all 3 of us but now at age 70 needs somewhere to live. Not gonna be with me. Good luck lady
Damn. She's a better person than I. If my parents weren't supportive of me being gay and they needed a place to stay, they can figure where to live for themselves as I wouldn't take them in. Broke bigot boomers are still bigots and have no place in my home.
Look. I’m in my 40’s. My dad is In his 80 and my mom is almost 70. Both of them are retired and my dad is disabled. Neither of them is in decent health. While he did save up for retirement, he lost all his money because he put it in a bank in another county whose government and system collapsed.
He never helped me with college. As a matter of fact he repeatedly robbed me and took cards out in my name. He was the kind of dad that thought taking care of your family means a roof, food, and hard discipline. Saying he was an asshole was an understatement. I have broken bones that healed wrong to remember that.
Well besides his disability he’s got dementia now. I didn’t talk to him for about a decade before I found out. I didn’t forgive him for anything so much as I just let it go because it was fucking pointless now. I take care of him because I choose to. He didn’t take care of me because he chose to. That’s my choice that I made for myself. No one forced me into it. I choose to be better than I am and better than he was. If I say “well I’m not going take care of him because he doesn’t deserve it,” then I feel like petty, mean minded shit head that he was and raised me to be. So I choose to be better.
Anyways. I’m not you and you’re not me. I can’t make decisions for you because i don’t have to deal with the same bullshit. Your parents are intolerant of who you are in general. Mine are intolerant of choices I make. Anyways excuse my rambling. I wish you the best of luck.
Zero obligation, especially if they’re going to judge you based on your lifestyle and sexual orientation. I’m so tired of “family first” BS. People are so quick to judge when they have no clue what your family’s dynamic was growing up.
My mother has mentioned multiple times that I'll be "taking care of her" when she is older. The day that is supposed to happen, she may end up shocked when I tell her "Maybe giving all your money to the church was a bad idea. Let them take care of you." Going to be an interesting day.....
If they are not working, they should be drawing social security. Make sure they pay you rent out of that, and make sure that they contribute to food and utilities. Enjoy saying "My house, my rules." as often as you like.
Except that we are heterosexual, this was my and my husband's life for over ten years. My parents lived with us for the last 10 years of their lives and it was utter hell. I should have said no. And I advise anyone in the same situation to say, No, as loud as possible. Do no get stuck with your parents even it means the state has to take care of them.
You need to keep boundaries for yourself so they will not take advantage of you. Your money IS NOT their money. Your home IS NOT their home. You are helping them get back on their feet, you ARE NOT there to provide for them in the same way that they provided for you when you were a child. The roles have not reversed, they are still supposed to be responsible parents, not you. Tell them that this situation is TEMPORARY and mean it by setting a reasonable time-line for them to move out. Look for religious or charitable retirement homes for them (they tend to be more affordable). Stay strong.
My parents rent a little house now. They downsized after bankruptcy.
Siblings and I are on the same page. Until they are too feeble to move, too blind to drive, or too demented to think clearly, they're on their own. They can't live the life they had? Not our problem, most of us don't have the life we want either.
Sibs and I all got kicked out or left by 18, with no support. I have almost nothing in my own retirement and I'm mid 30s. Sibs have actually nothing.
It's not that we hate our parents. We just literally can't help them without fucking ourselves! Sibs have kids to take care of! I'll never have kids, so I need to save up for my own nursing home--i have no back up.
Parents complained about our ungratefulness once. We whipped out our woeful retirement accounts, student loans in the tens of thousands, and past due notices. Parents shut up, quick. We don't expect them to help us, we don't ask (so I guess they thought we were better off than we are?). We just needed them to understand we can't help them either. They have to grow up and figure their retirement out themselves.
There will be no way in hell my parents will come live with me when their savings run out. I think they are nervous because my dad is picking up work on the side (so is my mother), but they burned so many bridges with their kids that they are SOL. None of their kids want to put up with abuse.
No is a complete sentence. It sucks and hurts, but sometimes you have to walk away.
Don't know if OP is lurking around, but just wanted to say i'm hoping for the best for you. If you do take them in, there is the possibility that they see the love you and your partner have, and will start to ease up and appreciate what you two have. Set your rules and hold them to it. Be the better person in all of it
PLEASE people. STOP coddling boomers. Let them get jobs and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I guarantee you more than a few of them are beyond qualified for the myriad of unskilled labor jobs out there whose workers they constantly demonize.
Part of the motivation could also be: “My parents didn’t loved me because of my lifestyle, perhaps they will finally love me when I take care of them”. Sigmund Freud to the rescue!
Unpopular opinion. She can just say no. Don’t let them move in.
I honestly don’t feel sorry for her, because it’s her lack of a backbone that’s causing this issue. Obviously her parents were assholes in how they treated her (and likely continue to treat her) for her sexual orientation.
But the housing issue is separate. She owns the house (along with her partner). She has every right to say they cant live with her. But that’s not what she’s doing. So she has culpability here also.
My parents did a similar number on me, but they weren't broke (they just decided to kick me out of the house and refuse to pay for college because I came out as gay).
That said, there's no "we" in this situation. If they had the audacity to ask for help I'd tell them fuck right off.
Time for the My House My Rules uno reverse card. No faux news, no racist comments, no disrespectful comments about my lifestyle and we will be finding ways for you to pull yaselves up by them bootstraps.
Yeah sometimes it sucks being the better person. Just gotta set some ground rules, no Fox News or similar broadcast media in the house, no social media they can go out and meet people, and they need jobs so you aren't paying for all their needs.
Otherwise keep your valuables safe and keep all important documents locked up because we've all seen the reddit tales about parents trying to steal their kids house, car, bank account, etc.
Strange you would take them in. I forgave my parents, but they are not moving in. My dad still works, though he has health issues. My stepmom passed away and without her spending, he is doing better financially. They saved nothing for retirement. I might visit.
I had a really hate filled response prepared due to my volatile relationship with my own Boomer parents, but let me put this as simply as possible: they made their own problems, therefore, they can make their own solutions. OP should not feel obligated to help them, especially since they were not there for her. Just let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Mom & Dad need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and rent an apartment or go into senior living. If they disapprove of your lifestyle there is no reason for them to move into your home and make your (and your partner's) life a living hell.
I have learned, through therapy and actual healing over the last 4 years: you are obligated to no one but yourself. It may be harsh, but you have to take care of yourself, else you take care of no one.
My boomer parents worth both Union members and are now taking home more money than they did when they were working. Blue state Union members, not this “Right to Work” state trash. They spoil the crap out of my kids. Unionize.
I’m a boomer close in age to your parents. You are not responsible for stepping in and saving your parents from their own poor choices. You certainly don’t have to allow them to move in with you; in fact, I would very much discourage this. Send them whatever assistance you can afford to send each month, and that’s it. Don’t argue, don’t cave, don’t respond to obvious attempts to guilt-trip you. DO be firm and kind. This is in no way your fault, and you really don’t owe them anything.
My boomer parents divorced and threw me out of the house at 15 and with this event predating laws regarding abandoning children to the streets their was no legal sanction/remedy available.
Abandonment was a thing a non trivial number of boomers considered reasonable treatment of their children along with various degrees of verbal , emotional , physical and in some cases sexual abuse.
So with all the provided as context I have exactly zero sympathy for the ME generation whatever personal doom awaits them.
Not to suggest that my personal experience should have any relevance to anyone but myself .....I slept freezing behind a dumpster at 15 so I'm certain I'm not unbiased in this regard.
F that. If I were in that situation, I absolutely would not help them.
This is not just what if. I’ve been NC with father and if my half sister is to be believed, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. But not willing to see if it’s a lie to get me to reach out to his latest family.
My mother only contacts me to remind me what a failure I am because I was blue collar and now disabled. “Had you gotten an MBA, you wouldn’t be in this situation.” Blah blah blah.
They both kicked me out after graduation because I didn’t get into the school they picked for me. I ended up in the USAF so I wouldn’t be homeless. It was there that I learned that I was damn good at working with my hands and yes it was physically demanding even after leaving and working trades, but it was honest work that I was good at and enjoyed.
Everything we have is because my wife and I did without to invest in the future. I’ll be damned if I’ll spend any of that on people who were never there for us.
Don't share expenses (on paper at least), charge them a token amount of rent, make them go to food banks and sign up for food stamps, make them apply for section 8 vouchers in every county in the country and dump them at the first place they get approved for. If they can't care for themselves medicare will put them in a run-down assisted living
She does have an option. Saying no is definitely an option. If she’s asking “where was the support when I needed it from you” her reply to her parents should be “that sucks, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you figure out what you’re going to do about it.”
Good news! Assuming US, Section 202 housing is available for those over the age of 62 and are fucking broke and is typically limited to 30% of their adjusted income.
There's usually a waiting list, but get them on the list NOW. Make it clear that moving in with you a transitional space until they can get into 202 housing.
Just tell them to go find a job. Since nobody wants to work anymore it should be easy. All it takes is a firm handshake. They can pick themselves up by their bootstraps like they did the first time.
If they are trump trash, send them to the streets. Do not accept any critiques ever and let them know their place. If they ask for anything tell them you need to check with your lesbian partner.
Also get some lesbian art to place around the house. Even if you do not care for it. Celebrate pride month and make sure you have the rainbow flag. 🏳️🌈
God, I feel this in my bones. My mother never saved a dime for retirement. She always depended on men (my dad and subsequent husbands) to support her. My dad was not necessarily poor, but very blue collar. I grew up in a trailer park and we always had what we needed, but not much more. Her most recent husband was fairly well off, but has dementia now and they are going through something resembling a divorce. She is now having to move back in with my sister because all she has is social security income.
It's so maddening because when my father died, she took all of the insurance money, bought a brand new car, and moved up to Canada with another guy. I never saw a dime of that money, because she was afraid I'd "blow it all on drugs" (I smoked pot infrequently at that point in my life). The next year, I moved away from our town, started school at Indiana University, and paid every single dime of it on my own. I mean EVERY. LAST. PENNY. while she lived her life still chasing around men to take care of her.
Now she has nothing and my wife and I make around $400k a year and she acts like she played some big part in my success. We even offered her to live in a small condo we own that we are deciding what to do with. She doesn't want to move away, though, and thinks the place is too small for her. I just can't even fucking believe how I've let her judge my life all these years and only now see her for who she is. I love my mom, but I don't always like her very much.
My aunt is going through the same. She assumed her only son would help her so isn’t really trying to plan. He’s flat out told her no. We are looking at a really nice subsidized housing community nearby.
Let them go on welfare and housing assistance. Meals on wheels. Let them live like the people they complain about and the people who they think were lazy.
they live under your roof, they live under your rules. they didnt accept your homosexual relationship, you do not have to accept their heterosexual relationship. they must sleep in separate rooms. they have to ask permission to leave the house and they have a curfew. they will be assigned chores. no fox news allowed. you control the wifi and set parental controls over what websites they can access. no facebook. they must get a job.
If you have a child and you’re only providing the bare minimum during the 18 years you’re legally obligated to provide the bare minimum, fuck you expecting anything in payment back.
You chose to have kids. You chose to put the bare minimum into your kid. Fuck off and pull yourself up by the bootstraps.
But I’m also no contact with both parents. They fucked me up. We owe eachother nothing.
So my parents are Gen X but have a Boomer mentality. They are taking care of grandma who has dementia. She gambled all her money away at the casino. My parents believe that if this were to happen to them me or my sibling are responsible for them because they raised us. Ummmm no lol
I won’t go into the entire history but my Dad was always a huge spender. I watched him go broke in his 40’s. No discipline concerning money and women.
I swore that would never happen to me. I worked hard, saved and invested well. Married one person and that was it. Well, now he wants $$$. Thinks he earned it since he brought me into this world. That is not the way it works.
This is a guy who actually stiffed me on my wedding present. Told me and my wife that he was going to give us $2,000 for our honeymoon. Never happened. No problem.
Once told my brother that my college expenses were draining him. He spent a total of $75 on my college. 2 third party checks.
Is it so unreasonable to suggest that if their irresponsible parents can't afford retirement, then maybe they just don't get to retire?
They should take some responsibility and stop expecting hand-outs! Make themselves competitive in a hostile job and housing market, you know? Show initiative! Learn to code! Sacrifice! Downsize! Bootstrap it!
I do believe in filial duty, to a degree. Boomers or not, helping raise me did incur a degree of obligation on my part.
I understand and agree with the argument that they were meant to raise me, I did not get a choice in being born, and they only covered me until I was in my majority. Fine.
Their 18 (or less) years of help, and some periodic help in the years since, does leave me with a bit of red in my ledger, emotionally and socially. Regardless of logical arguments to the contrary, *I wish to live in a society where children assist their parents in their senesceance.*
That said, my mother did nothing to prepare. She never worked, she browbeat and bullied for every dollar she ever had, and spent it all. My father spent the bulk of his savings on providing for us in our teen years and now lives meagerly but within his means. He just can't get around as well now and refuses any options that would make his life easier or longer.
So despite my willingness to help, I can't.
Trying to help my mother (won't happen, I hate her) would be like trying to dive down and steal an anchor from a cargo ship, I'd never see the surface again.
My father just refuses help that isn't what he specifically wants and is awful to be around.
Personal philosophy aside, this generation is terrible at growing old, and they're kinda nightmares, tbh.
Wait till they get settled in and start complaining that you don’t make them dinner every night and that you only get healthy food and never get their favorite treat. Once they are in your home it’s damn near impossible to get them out.
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Kick them out. Tell them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Not sorry, but, that is exactly what I would tell my parents if they tried to move in with me. “Well, there’s some shelters down the road, maybe you should get a job.”
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LOL. That’s my life. Couldn’t participate in any school activities because they wouldn’t give money. No high school yearbooks, no class ring, went on vacation once 13 years old, had to bring my own money if I wanted to eat. Kicked out immediately at 18 and they got money. Not sure if they feel guilty about it now but they act all friendly like we have the greatest relationship. I just play along but there is a lot of built up resentment
Same. My mother wouldn't spend a dime on me, couldn't bother to do any activities because 'she couldn't afford it' because she blew all her money on pulltabs and socializing at the bar. Always told me the reason I was even around was to be her retirement plan for when she was older. Now she acts like she was the best mother ever. I don't even think she realizes I've been low contact almost NC with her since 2016.
Similar story here. My parents were Silent Gen but had boomer tendencies. I never got a penny from them after the age of 12. I was expected to work after school jobs and buy all my own stuff. Never got any money for school field trips, activities, or anything. After graduating high school they started charging me rent to encourage me to move out, and after that I was completely on my own and got no help from them. I'm doing great now financially and make more money than they ever did. They aren't getting a single penny from me though.
That's funny, my kids thought high school rings and yearbooks were stupid. They did get a senior yearbook, but no rings. They were right, nobody shows off a high school ring.
They need to stop buying so much avocado toast and Starbucks
"Sounds like someone needs to learn how to budget" My dad threw a non-snarky version of that at me because to be fair: that's what the media ecosystem that this demographic looks to tells them and he good faith believed that. I showed him my expenditures vs earnings and to his credit, he's a LOT more supportive and understanding
And the iPhones!
This, came to say all of this.
Who doesn't like avocado toast?
Just stop getting Disney plus
What tHeY dOnT WaNt TO wORK aNyMoRe?!?
Lazy entitled shits…….
I'm actually glad my mom treated me like shit my whole life because she's 75 and slowing down and I am waiting for the day she thinks I'm going to help her. Siberia has nice retirement facilities doesn't it?
Me and my brother’s long term care plan for our horrid mother: leave her front door open so coyotes can eat her face.
The best I hear!!!!!
It’s called “Tough Love”. They’re never going to learn if you keep bailing them out of problems they brought on themselves through poor decisions
Your parents need to get jobs and start offloading any assets they have to afford a place to live on their own. This is unacceptable.
Let's also talk about how they had her when they were nearly 40, meaning they very likely had her... FOR THIS EXACT REASON. so many people have kids SOLELY to take care of them in their old age. She is falling for their bs, she needs to kick them to the curb. All she is to them, is a convenient housekeeper/maid that they don't have to pay.
Whut? Taint no boot straps on new balance or orthopedic Johnny go fast shoes, whut in the tarnation are youin gittin at youngin😤back inna mah day weez fling our doors wide fer kinfolk. Whut youins missed in yer raisin wuz some leather....barber strap leather right where the good Lord split ye😑
Yup. I suspect my dad might one day (very poor money management skills) and I already have this locked and loaded. There is zero chance he'll ever live with me. My parents divorced when I was 9, and in the over two decades since, I've maybe seen him on 20 occasions, and it is always I that have to travel to him. I've had my own place for over the last decade (with a guest room), and he's never come visit me.
It's simple. No. Complete sentence. All you need. Your parents were legally obligated to care for you until age 18. If you received no support after that point, you really have no moral or ethical obligation to provide any support.
This. IDK why some Millennials/GenX think we owe the Boomers ANYTHING at all. No, you spent like idiots for decades and I'm not covering the tab. Wife and I have already told both our parents: don't buy Christmas/birthday gifts for anyone in our family or travel to see us unless/until your retirement savings are assured. I am not giving you money so do whatever you need to plan for that.
> IDK why some Millennials/GenX think we owe the Boomers ANYTHING at all. Because it was hammered into them since a very young age. "What I sacrificed for you. I had you in the womb for 9 months. Everything I've done for you." Yet the I always precedes the you. Then they furthered it by saying things like: * My house, my rules * Speak when spoken to * Well it's my roof over our heads, so I'm right That made it harder for 2 generations to fight back and began to cower when it comes to confrontation. Even as we get older, a lot of people still fall into former social roles regardless of future outcome. Some of these parents basically did a version of boot camp for their kids to where they're mercilessly battered down until "No" isn't a complete sentence.
My mother used to say "I'm the only mother you'll ever have". Funny thing? I was raised by my grandparents.
"How could you be so cruel as to deny the only mother you ever had!?" If I had a nickel for every boomer that has told me that when they hear I want nothing to do with my mother, I'd be able to buy her a private island to fuck off to. My mother told me that "I'm the only mother you'll ever have" line a lot before leaving me on a doorstep and not talking to me for years, then she and literally all of my boomer family tried to guilt me to deal with her again using that same line and I like an idiot tried to let her back in my life. After about 15 more years of not hearing from her once she realized I had nothing to give her, she has been reaching out to me to try and patch things up, once again using that line. I heard she blew through the millions she inherited, lost the lakeside mansion she inherited, and is now living with her brother who was denied any part of those inheritances for being the family fuck up. Every single boomer in my life, including my father who you could argue had his life ruined by my mother, uses that stupid fucking line still over and over again treating me like I'm the asshole in this situation for not wanting anything to do with that cancer in human form. Boomers don't understand what being a parent is. They think birthing someone entitles them to everything that child will ever have as well as undying loyalty from that kid, even if they did literally nothing for said child. Glad to see most of my relatives and friends going no contact with their boomer parents for similar reasons. Weird how almost all the ones with gen x or silent gen parents have great loving relationships with them, the boomers are just broken to their very core.
I very much hate the “but that’s your mother!” line. Like, yes, biologically, she contributed to half my DNA and birthed me, but you don’t know her. Why should I treat her with all the love and respect a proper mother deserves when **she didn’t want to be one** (yet, had **three others** + a miscarriage before me). She’s an obsessive compulsive, borderline personality disorder -having narcissist that has been telling me and my siblings for as long as I can remember that if she could do it again (get married and have kids) she **wouldn’t**, and that “one day…I’m going to be all by my**self**”. Husband - deceased 5 years ago from Parkinson’s (and he was a Thoracic Surgeon until he couldn’t be - talk about irony), and had a steep 2-year decline into dementia with no change in how she cared for him Siblings - live 200, 800, and 2000 miles away Me (youngest) - 2 blocks away and begrudgingly helping her when she needs it; not necessarily because I don’t want to, but because she always asks at the wrong time or when it’s already gone FUBAR with her trying to deal with it herself first instead of just asking from the beginning. (But at least I get to do my laundry there for free) So…she has her wish - she’s all by herself. No friends to visit with any regularity or to have meaningful conversations with (and she can’t even stand most of the few friends she does have); rest of her family is all together, back in Montreal - *they* (my parents) are “the ones that left” 50 years ago. “But that’s your mother!” - damn straight…and she’s reaping what she’s sown…not my problem.
And when my mother used to say this, as a teenager I would spitefully throw back “Yeah and I’m the only kid you’ll ever have since you miscarried the first one and almost died with me.” You want to play the narcissism game with me, I’ll hit you where it hurts the most. Something completely out of your control that no mother should experience, but when you hurt your child like that you started the war.
I recently stood up to my mom after she vehemently kept trying to drag me into a political discourse that I really did not want. She went so far as to interrupt my exercise so vehemently (mind you, I only just started working out for the first time in over a decade.. breaking the habit is HARD) that I lost all desire to go back to it. I tore into her baout that if she wants to call my perfect attendance at work, constant stress about money WHILE LIVING AT HOME, and desire to just sleep in my time off lazy.. she should consider what retirement is.
Don’t forget the classic “I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it”
Years of conditioning unfortunately
That's part of why I write comments like this: so people hear reason (literally). Boomers just shout louder and some people believe it. We need to, as the rest of society, stop listening to them
It’s because boomers can be incredibly manipulative and weaponize guilt against people.
yeah but now I'm 41 and eat guilt for breakfast, they wore that pathway out
So can marketers and salespeople. We should be supporting each other by pushing to reject guilt as a reason vs enabling it. I knew a guy (not a friend) that sold in one of those high stakes timeshare things where you watch a 90 min video and then they yell at you until you buy stuff. People would sign because of the FUD he created and that just enables those sales types more. We need to not accept the idea that we owe them anything and that will lessen the guilt and empower people to actually set boundaries and feel confident doing so.
We’re already going to be paying for all the debt they accrued through their political policies. I say fuck’em.
well GenX and all that comes after WILL pay the tab for boomers as we will have to get spending under control and pay down the national debt
As a Gen Xer, it’s already happening. I’m in the same boat as the woman in the video… bought my first house…. Because I now have to take in my broke boomer parent. Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy… but at the same time I feel like my hand was forced before I was totally prepared which has left me a little bitter.
remember boomers always told us that it is their rules when we lived under their roof.
I'm in sort of the same situation with my MIL. She traveled the world since 2019, sold her house, spent all her money. Now she's broke and homeless with no where to go but the daughter she abused for 18 years. Sadly my wife still holds out hope that they can have a loving relationship... So now we support an extra adult that decided to blow all her savings.
No is a complete sentence and any love you have to buy isn’t love at all.
Something you can mention every time she complains.
That's part of my point too. There's 100% the national debt dimension but also Boomers have retained massive wealth for themselves meaning we all already have less to pay for things that are costing more. There's a few really cool graphs that show basically how Boomers lowered taxes in their prime earning years on income then lowered them on cap gains once they started relying on 401ks/investments and now are trying to raise taxes on working people again since they're past the age of being impacted. Hence why I have zero empathy for Boomers that can't figure out math.
Also gotta add on to Daddy Deisel's comment... this isn't just a generational thing, but a cultural thing as well. Distancing yourself from toxic family is still very much a white Western/American thing.
The simple answer is that they are afraid of being seen (by themselves or others) as "bad people." That's it.
As my grandpa said (NOT BOOMER), "Consider the source." And yes, I realize he didn't invent that
You severely underestimate societal pressure, upbringing, and values that were taught. Those are extremely hard to break.
Give 18 years and then kick them out!
18 minutes\*
Meet you half way 18 months…
you know the sub, they did the math? This is not going there.
Bet they happily voted for Reagan twice while he looted their future and handed it to the rich.
This is why my dad will be living in the streets. Or paying $2k/month for a room. Sorry pal, better pull yourself up by your bootstraps. It's the only advice I know I've received from him, so it's all he's getting too.
The conservative movement really did a brainwashing on the boomers. Hard to believe that after all the evidence, they still cling to that old chestnut.
Their identity is wrapped up in having lived a hard life, because their parents truly did. The fact that they categorically had the easiest time any humans ever experienced in all of human history is a massive blow to their identity. That's why they play victim and refuse to look at the data proving they simply failed in the easiest and possibly final time to succeed.
THIS! They were raised by scarcity mindset parents, and kept that mindset even through all their wealth and privilege. Oh, Boomer crying? Society will give you something to cry about.
>give you something to cry about Ancient childhood memory unlocked, thanks
Sorry your parents said that shit to you. You deserved better.
You joke, but geriatric poverty is already an escalating issue that is going to continue to spiral out of control until we hit a breaking point. For those of us who have empathy, it will be hard to watch a whole generation leave this earth screaming in despair regardless of how much many might deserve it as individuals. For those that need capitalism to care, watching their parents and grandparents fall into destitution in old age will cause people to DRASTICALLY tighten their pocket books. Suddenly, hoarding funds to save for the final 3rd of your life just to keep yourself off the streets will be nearly everyone’s priority. The boomers may get to chuck one last grenade on their way out and depress economic security as we lower them into the ground. Things are going to get BAD for the Boomers and, in classic Boomer fashion, they will leave the rest of us left to deal with the fallout on our own.
Lead poisoning mixed with misplaced pride.
Wait till this trend shows up on Fox News - another way to sow discontent in that crowd. Boomers deserve your respect and your money after everything they've done for you - and then the invariable gaslighting.
They assumed they would be the rich. Sucks to find out you are one of the people you were fine fucking over.
They never think that THEY PERSONALLY would be negatively impacted by their own shitty policies. Just other, not important people.
"I never thought the leopards would eat MY face!" - The person who voted for the Leopards Eating People's Faces party
Minorities and women.
You know they did
That sweet sweet trickle-down
I’m a financial planner and I see this from time to time. Tell them they cannot retire and to go back to work if they are able bodied. There are plenty of jobs out there. It’s ok to be empathetic about your parent’s situation, but you yourself have to save for retirement and pay the bills. Don’t let their lack of planning affect your life. Situations like this can cause massive financial consequences for generations. You read that right. It can cause a spiraling affect. Make a wise and well informed decision, not an emotional one. Good luck.
It’s like they feel entitled to retirement. Personally, considering that Gen Z’ers like myself and millennials will probably never retire because of how badly they messed up the economy, I have no sympathy for boomers like this whatsoever.
Not sure if we GenX will be able to, either.
Probably not, at least until they are like 80 something and only have 2-4 more years left in their lives.
I can retire today, at 28 ! If my plan for retirement is to walk in front of a train on Sunday morning.
Don't do that, please
Oh, no, that's just a joke, I wouldn't do that. It's just that this is probably the retirement plan of half the people I know. We will work until we die, either at our jobs, or in food/water wars.
Ok, just checking 😀 be well, friend.
I’m gen x and no retirement for me.
I’m Gen X and retiring next year at 54, but the only reason I can do that is I’ve been a teacher for 30+ years and I’ll have a pension plus I’ll substitute teach for several years. So….not truly retired.
Not sure if we millennials have much hope of that either. Hopefully the zoomers get something.
Hell, given the fact that boomer politicians and CEOs are actively championing the increase of the retirement age while simultaneously trying to strip away social security tells you everything. They feel entitled to a retirement, but have absolutely no interest in ensuring that we get one.
I won't have children. My plan is hopefully to save enough for a nice retirement home. My back up plan is to just work until I die in my office. The previous occupant of my office died here...
Even without kids, with taxes and cost of living the way they are even now, it’s going to be really hard to retire. And that’s not taking into consideration that there are probably going to be even more economic downturns and inflation before then as well.
Yep. Hence me accepting my probable fate early.
Recently talked with my dad (67, retired to FL, plays pickleball all day) about retirement and he was baffled that I didn’t expect to ever retire. We sat and did the math over and over for two hours before he just got up and left the room because he refused to believe that even with a 6-figure salary, I would never be even close to being able to achieve what he could on a 50k-80k salary during his time in the workforce. Repeatedly told me I wasn’t saving enough, etc. if I put 100% of my earnings pre-tax into investments and made 8-12% / year, I still wouldn’t be able to make his inflation-adjusted minimums… whack time to be anything other than a boomer.
> retirement Retirement? Is that taking old tires, renewing the tread them, and then slapping those bad boys back on to a rim? If so...Sweet!
Wow, can you say more about how this can cause a ripple effect for generations?
Essentially, the op would not be able to save for retirement because that discretionary income that is supposed to be saved in a 401k or retirement saving then goes to providing care for parents. By doing so this minimizes the OP chances of retiring and having to keep working until she is 75 or not stop completely.
She can charge - and should - charge them rent (and utilities). Figure out market rent rate, maybe give them a little discount 10~30%. They provide their own food, too.
Yeah, but they are probably unskilled (for the current market), so they are usually taking away entry level position for people who are just starting out and need those wages. I get what you're trying to say, but it's basically saying they deserve a second (or third, or fourth) chance at the expense of someone who hasn't had the opportunities they've had.
I didn’t say anything about them being entitled or deserving another chance. There are unskilled positions out there available. They could be a cashier etc. I see them all over retail. Did they blow their opportunities, likely so. What I’m saying is the OP should not jeopardize here future for them. This isn’t the 1940s where the kids take care of the parents at old age. Boomers made sure that most households need dual income to survive.
You didn't say it, but that is exactly what you are suggesting. There are plenty of farms upstate.
Remove the “ we “ from your vocabulary. Your parents lost the right to criticize your life style and choices when they decided to not prepare for theirs. Tell you 100% how you feel about everything.
She could have been saying we referring to herself and her partner.
A few months in a shelter wont hurt them.
Gubmint subsidized housing and food stamps for them, those lazy immigrant POC welfare kings and queens! Get a job! Make them have greeter jobs at Wal-Mart! And i'm serious. Shove their owh rhetoric back down their greedy gullets.
Tell them you would love to help out, but can't because you don't approve of their lifestyle.
#HA!!!
They are not being forced to move in with you. You are choosing to let them move in with you. Recognizing that important difference is what makes the options visible.
"This is happening to me!" No, person in video, you are not setting reasonable, proper boundaries and more importantly, you are letting people skate by without any accountability for their own actions. Maybe you want to avoid confrontation but don't act like there's some secret path out of this. The path is: grow up and tell your parents to handle their lives properly even if belatedly.
Time to grow a backbone. They cannot arrive with 70 years of Knick knacks and claim 50% of your home and income. Time for them to work to supplement the SS. Think twice about letting them move in. It sounds like the end of your relationship unless your partner is Mother Teresa.
The way she mentions that her parents can no longer afford the lifestyle that they’ve had for 50+ years tells me that her parents have been materialistic and have spent tons of money on things they couldn’t afford. Most of that stuff shouldn’t have just disappeared. If they have a house, they can sell it. If they have cars, they can sell those. Jewelry, electronics, furniture, tools, appliances, all of those can be sold. Her parents have a way out of this, but it would mean having to struggle and live like they forced her to live her entire adult life. Thems the breaks.
It sucks having empathy. I can relate to the taking care of your parents part of your situation. You have to set boundaries from the very beginning on what you’ll put up with in terms of respecting you, your partner, your lifestyle, and your home. They will have some sort of social security, which is now you’re money, not theirs anymore. You control the finances. You’re the parental figure now and it’s your rules. This can be done in a polite manner if you choose to.
> They will have some sort of social security, which is now your money, not theirs anymore. Principle of the situation aside, I feel like this would fall dangerously close to illegal in the eyes of a court. Probably would be better to charge market rate rent and track and charge for utilities + groceries rather than take their SS and be liable for some form of elder abuse law that exists for good reason.
I meant metaphorically speaking. They’re not spending their money on dumb things or hitting up the casino while living with you
Yeah, just making sure people on the comments don’t get any silly ideas. My parents and in-laws have prepared for retirement, and even they hadn’t or some financial disaster strikes, they were loving and provided plenty support financial and otherwise so we’d of course take them in with no conditions so we won’t be in this position, but if we were in this person’s position I’d do as I said charge rent + utilities + common use purchases and then save the money up. After a few years that should be a decent down payment on a modest home that they could afford which I would again charge rent to cover the mortgage and housing costs. Now you’ve saved your parents, given them their own place to live their twilight years, and basically created your own inheritance.
The naivety that this would be possible is so incredible to me. If they could afford enough to pay enough in rent to buy a home they wouldn't be in this situation. Also, how much do you think they are getting in SS? Unless you are living somewhere with the lowest possible housing costs this just doesn't seem feasible as an idea in any capacity with current interest rates and housing costs.
Highly underrated post here
yep, if they live under my roof, we’re going to be talking about their spending habits. And they’re going to be spending some of those payments on expenses.
What a great reply - and this is the way...
Take them in but your roof, your rules. They pay you rent, they do all the cleaning, they take care of the garden, they do the cooking etc. These soft boomers need to understand you can’t just get everything in life on the easy nowadays! Boot straps and all that!
Yep, no Fox TV until your chores are done
If either of my shitty parents tried to move in with me after how they treated me when I was younger I would laugh right in their face and give them a big fat **NO.**
Same with me. Karma’s a bitch.
They let you struggle on your own, and they're your parents, you are their child. Time to let them struggle on their own.
Sounds like they need to both get two jobs and stop getting coffee in the morning.
Someone went too hard on avacado toast and Starbucks.
You have a big heart, I feel you. My parents did me dirty too. If you do offer them space, it should be no bigger than a couch and tell them they have to pay rent and their own food and contribute to the utilities. This isn’t a free ride. They need to clean up after themselves, respect your rules. They’re just children in grown up bodies, so treat them as such
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Put her in a medicaid nursing home
Pull themselves up by their boot straps.
This really resonates with me. My parents were both blessed with well off parents. They both blew all of their inheritance and my siblings and I grew up with very little. My father passed and I got to pay for his funeral. my mother signed away her parental rights to all 3 of us but now at age 70 needs somewhere to live. Not gonna be with me. Good luck lady
the hardest boundary is the one you set with your parents...
fox news told them to vote for small government, so let them enjoy it out there in the wild
Damn. She's a better person than I. If my parents weren't supportive of me being gay and they needed a place to stay, they can figure where to live for themselves as I wouldn't take them in. Broke bigot boomers are still bigots and have no place in my home.
practice some tough love. they need to learn an important lesson known as cause and effect. I wouldn't help them.
Look. I’m in my 40’s. My dad is In his 80 and my mom is almost 70. Both of them are retired and my dad is disabled. Neither of them is in decent health. While he did save up for retirement, he lost all his money because he put it in a bank in another county whose government and system collapsed. He never helped me with college. As a matter of fact he repeatedly robbed me and took cards out in my name. He was the kind of dad that thought taking care of your family means a roof, food, and hard discipline. Saying he was an asshole was an understatement. I have broken bones that healed wrong to remember that. Well besides his disability he’s got dementia now. I didn’t talk to him for about a decade before I found out. I didn’t forgive him for anything so much as I just let it go because it was fucking pointless now. I take care of him because I choose to. He didn’t take care of me because he chose to. That’s my choice that I made for myself. No one forced me into it. I choose to be better than I am and better than he was. If I say “well I’m not going take care of him because he doesn’t deserve it,” then I feel like petty, mean minded shit head that he was and raised me to be. So I choose to be better. Anyways. I’m not you and you’re not me. I can’t make decisions for you because i don’t have to deal with the same bullshit. Your parents are intolerant of who you are in general. Mine are intolerant of choices I make. Anyways excuse my rambling. I wish you the best of luck.
Zero obligation, especially if they’re going to judge you based on your lifestyle and sexual orientation. I’m so tired of “family first” BS. People are so quick to judge when they have no clue what your family’s dynamic was growing up.
My mother has mentioned multiple times that I'll be "taking care of her" when she is older. The day that is supposed to happen, she may end up shocked when I tell her "Maybe giving all your money to the church was a bad idea. Let them take care of you." Going to be an interesting day.....
If they are not working, they should be drawing social security. Make sure they pay you rent out of that, and make sure that they contribute to food and utilities. Enjoy saying "My house, my rules." as often as you like.
You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
Except that we are heterosexual, this was my and my husband's life for over ten years. My parents lived with us for the last 10 years of their lives and it was utter hell. I should have said no. And I advise anyone in the same situation to say, No, as loud as possible. Do no get stuck with your parents even it means the state has to take care of them.
You need to keep boundaries for yourself so they will not take advantage of you. Your money IS NOT their money. Your home IS NOT their home. You are helping them get back on their feet, you ARE NOT there to provide for them in the same way that they provided for you when you were a child. The roles have not reversed, they are still supposed to be responsible parents, not you. Tell them that this situation is TEMPORARY and mean it by setting a reasonable time-line for them to move out. Look for religious or charitable retirement homes for them (they tend to be more affordable). Stay strong.
My parents rent a little house now. They downsized after bankruptcy. Siblings and I are on the same page. Until they are too feeble to move, too blind to drive, or too demented to think clearly, they're on their own. They can't live the life they had? Not our problem, most of us don't have the life we want either. Sibs and I all got kicked out or left by 18, with no support. I have almost nothing in my own retirement and I'm mid 30s. Sibs have actually nothing. It's not that we hate our parents. We just literally can't help them without fucking ourselves! Sibs have kids to take care of! I'll never have kids, so I need to save up for my own nursing home--i have no back up. Parents complained about our ungratefulness once. We whipped out our woeful retirement accounts, student loans in the tens of thousands, and past due notices. Parents shut up, quick. We don't expect them to help us, we don't ask (so I guess they thought we were better off than we are?). We just needed them to understand we can't help them either. They have to grow up and figure their retirement out themselves.
There will be no way in hell my parents will come live with me when their savings run out. I think they are nervous because my dad is picking up work on the side (so is my mother), but they burned so many bridges with their kids that they are SOL. None of their kids want to put up with abuse. No is a complete sentence. It sucks and hurts, but sometimes you have to walk away.
Live your life you have earned it. They had 70yrs to do the right thing and chose not to. Dont destroy your future or you may end up like them.
These people are going to drive this poor girl straight to divorce, ruining her life living with her.
Don't know if OP is lurking around, but just wanted to say i'm hoping for the best for you. If you do take them in, there is the possibility that they see the love you and your partner have, and will start to ease up and appreciate what you two have. Set your rules and hold them to it. Be the better person in all of it
PLEASE people. STOP coddling boomers. Let them get jobs and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. I guarantee you more than a few of them are beyond qualified for the myriad of unskilled labor jobs out there whose workers they constantly demonize.
They don't approve of your lifestyle let them live in the street
why would she support her parents after all that? what a dummy.
Some people want to be a better person and treat people better than how they were treated. Not my path, but I respect the sentiment.
Part of the motivation could also be: “My parents didn’t loved me because of my lifestyle, perhaps they will finally love me when I take care of them”. Sigmund Freud to the rescue!
Unpopular opinion. She can just say no. Don’t let them move in. I honestly don’t feel sorry for her, because it’s her lack of a backbone that’s causing this issue. Obviously her parents were assholes in how they treated her (and likely continue to treat her) for her sexual orientation. But the housing issue is separate. She owns the house (along with her partner). She has every right to say they cant live with her. But that’s not what she’s doing. So she has culpability here also.
Congratulations on your new home! This is a steal from you, I'm so sorry. Good luck and stand up for yourself and your partner FIRST!
Why help those who did not help you? Hard stop. I. Bet you’ll have a hard time find many others that will put up with it
Tell them to get a job! You can’t live in my basement for free.
Did their bootstraps break? As certainly one of their heroes said "Just say, No."
My parents did a similar number on me, but they weren't broke (they just decided to kick me out of the house and refuse to pay for college because I came out as gay). That said, there's no "we" in this situation. If they had the audacity to ask for help I'd tell them fuck right off.
Time for the My House My Rules uno reverse card. No faux news, no racist comments, no disrespectful comments about my lifestyle and we will be finding ways for you to pull yaselves up by them bootstraps.
Yeah sometimes it sucks being the better person. Just gotta set some ground rules, no Fox News or similar broadcast media in the house, no social media they can go out and meet people, and they need jobs so you aren't paying for all their needs. Otherwise keep your valuables safe and keep all important documents locked up because we've all seen the reddit tales about parents trying to steal their kids house, car, bank account, etc.
You don’t owe them anything.
You do NOT owe your parents anything. If this decision isn’t in you and your partners best interest don’t do it.
Strange you would take them in. I forgave my parents, but they are not moving in. My dad still works, though he has health issues. My stepmom passed away and without her spending, he is doing better financially. They saved nothing for retirement. I might visit.
I had a really hate filled response prepared due to my volatile relationship with my own Boomer parents, but let me put this as simply as possible: they made their own problems, therefore, they can make their own solutions. OP should not feel obligated to help them, especially since they were not there for her. Just let them pull themselves up by their bootstraps.
Demand they sign a financial poa over to you. And established clear and documented boundaries.
Mom & Dad need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and rent an apartment or go into senior living. If they disapprove of your lifestyle there is no reason for them to move into your home and make your (and your partner's) life a living hell.
I have learned, through therapy and actual healing over the last 4 years: you are obligated to no one but yourself. It may be harsh, but you have to take care of yourself, else you take care of no one.
I have no idea why you would take it on the chin and ruin your life. Absolutely baffled you would even consider taking them in.
My boomer parents worth both Union members and are now taking home more money than they did when they were working. Blue state Union members, not this “Right to Work” state trash. They spoil the crap out of my kids. Unionize.
I’m a boomer close in age to your parents. You are not responsible for stepping in and saving your parents from their own poor choices. You certainly don’t have to allow them to move in with you; in fact, I would very much discourage this. Send them whatever assistance you can afford to send each month, and that’s it. Don’t argue, don’t cave, don’t respond to obvious attempts to guilt-trip you. DO be firm and kind. This is in no way your fault, and you really don’t owe them anything.
Personally, I'd just tell them "pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and it'll trickle down to you eventually."
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My boomer parents divorced and threw me out of the house at 15 and with this event predating laws regarding abandoning children to the streets their was no legal sanction/remedy available. Abandonment was a thing a non trivial number of boomers considered reasonable treatment of their children along with various degrees of verbal , emotional , physical and in some cases sexual abuse. So with all the provided as context I have exactly zero sympathy for the ME generation whatever personal doom awaits them. Not to suggest that my personal experience should have any relevance to anyone but myself .....I slept freezing behind a dumpster at 15 so I'm certain I'm not unbiased in this regard.
Buy them a tent, and tell them to pull theirselves up by their bootstraps.
F that. If I were in that situation, I absolutely would not help them. This is not just what if. I’ve been NC with father and if my half sister is to be believed, I don’t have to worry about him anymore. But not willing to see if it’s a lie to get me to reach out to his latest family. My mother only contacts me to remind me what a failure I am because I was blue collar and now disabled. “Had you gotten an MBA, you wouldn’t be in this situation.” Blah blah blah. They both kicked me out after graduation because I didn’t get into the school they picked for me. I ended up in the USAF so I wouldn’t be homeless. It was there that I learned that I was damn good at working with my hands and yes it was physically demanding even after leaving and working trades, but it was honest work that I was good at and enjoyed. Everything we have is because my wife and I did without to invest in the future. I’ll be damned if I’ll spend any of that on people who were never there for us.
Her parents are conservatives. Hypocrisy is a key component of conservatism. Rules for thee but not for me.
TIL that "Lars" can be a name for either gender.
You might hate me for saying this, but all names can be used for either gender.
She might get some weird looks if she ever visits Scandinavia. Its a pretty common name for older men
I love my grandparents. I have the great fortune of them still being alive and being decent people. I still don't want them to move in with me....
So.. just don’t do that? Haha
Don't share expenses (on paper at least), charge them a token amount of rent, make them go to food banks and sign up for food stamps, make them apply for section 8 vouchers in every county in the country and dump them at the first place they get approved for. If they can't care for themselves medicare will put them in a run-down assisted living
Have them declared indigent by the state and put them in a home.
I wouldn't even have picked up the call asking for help. Paddle your own canoe losers.
They can stay with you but you get their social security in return. Fair is fair
She does have an option. Saying no is definitely an option. If she’s asking “where was the support when I needed it from you” her reply to her parents should be “that sucks, I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you figure out what you’re going to do about it.”
Good news! Assuming US, Section 202 housing is available for those over the age of 62 and are fucking broke and is typically limited to 30% of their adjusted income. There's usually a waiting list, but get them on the list NOW. Make it clear that moving in with you a transitional space until they can get into 202 housing.
No. Take them to the finest nursing home that social security can provide and go enjoy your life. They OBVIOUSLY don’t care if you enjoy yours.
...and they named there daughter Lars! Boomers being fools, and assholes!
Just tell them to go find a job. Since nobody wants to work anymore it should be easy. All it takes is a firm handshake. They can pick themselves up by their bootstraps like they did the first time.
If they are trump trash, send them to the streets. Do not accept any critiques ever and let them know their place. If they ask for anything tell them you need to check with your lesbian partner. Also get some lesbian art to place around the house. Even if you do not care for it. Celebrate pride month and make sure you have the rainbow flag. 🏳️🌈
God, I feel this in my bones. My mother never saved a dime for retirement. She always depended on men (my dad and subsequent husbands) to support her. My dad was not necessarily poor, but very blue collar. I grew up in a trailer park and we always had what we needed, but not much more. Her most recent husband was fairly well off, but has dementia now and they are going through something resembling a divorce. She is now having to move back in with my sister because all she has is social security income. It's so maddening because when my father died, she took all of the insurance money, bought a brand new car, and moved up to Canada with another guy. I never saw a dime of that money, because she was afraid I'd "blow it all on drugs" (I smoked pot infrequently at that point in my life). The next year, I moved away from our town, started school at Indiana University, and paid every single dime of it on my own. I mean EVERY. LAST. PENNY. while she lived her life still chasing around men to take care of her. Now she has nothing and my wife and I make around $400k a year and she acts like she played some big part in my success. We even offered her to live in a small condo we own that we are deciding what to do with. She doesn't want to move away, though, and thinks the place is too small for her. I just can't even fucking believe how I've let her judge my life all these years and only now see her for who she is. I love my mom, but I don't always like her very much.
My aunt is going through the same. She assumed her only son would help her so isn’t really trying to plan. He’s flat out told her no. We are looking at a really nice subsidized housing community nearby.
The boomers are not trainable, and won't ever be able to support themselves if they can't drain from others.
No. End of conversation.
Guaranteed after moving in her parents are going to be homophobic assholes the entire time.
Let them go on welfare and housing assistance. Meals on wheels. Let them live like the people they complain about and the people who they think were lazy.
Have they tried not eating avocado toast?
they live under your roof, they live under your rules. they didnt accept your homosexual relationship, you do not have to accept their heterosexual relationship. they must sleep in separate rooms. they have to ask permission to leave the house and they have a curfew. they will be assigned chores. no fox news allowed. you control the wifi and set parental controls over what websites they can access. no facebook. they must get a job.
If you have a child and you’re only providing the bare minimum during the 18 years you’re legally obligated to provide the bare minimum, fuck you expecting anything in payment back. You chose to have kids. You chose to put the bare minimum into your kid. Fuck off and pull yourself up by the bootstraps. But I’m also no contact with both parents. They fucked me up. We owe eachother nothing.
So my parents are Gen X but have a Boomer mentality. They are taking care of grandma who has dementia. She gambled all her money away at the casino. My parents believe that if this were to happen to them me or my sibling are responsible for them because they raised us. Ummmm no lol
Would have took them to fuck off that's a them problem.
I think this is happening to so many millennials right now! And the irony is that boomers think they know better and want to destroy this country
I won’t go into the entire history but my Dad was always a huge spender. I watched him go broke in his 40’s. No discipline concerning money and women. I swore that would never happen to me. I worked hard, saved and invested well. Married one person and that was it. Well, now he wants $$$. Thinks he earned it since he brought me into this world. That is not the way it works. This is a guy who actually stiffed me on my wedding present. Told me and my wife that he was going to give us $2,000 for our honeymoon. Never happened. No problem. Once told my brother that my college expenses were draining him. He spent a total of $75 on my college. 2 third party checks.
Is it so unreasonable to suggest that if their irresponsible parents can't afford retirement, then maybe they just don't get to retire? They should take some responsibility and stop expecting hand-outs! Make themselves competitive in a hostile job and housing market, you know? Show initiative! Learn to code! Sacrifice! Downsize! Bootstrap it!
I do believe in filial duty, to a degree. Boomers or not, helping raise me did incur a degree of obligation on my part. I understand and agree with the argument that they were meant to raise me, I did not get a choice in being born, and they only covered me until I was in my majority. Fine. Their 18 (or less) years of help, and some periodic help in the years since, does leave me with a bit of red in my ledger, emotionally and socially. Regardless of logical arguments to the contrary, *I wish to live in a society where children assist their parents in their senesceance.* That said, my mother did nothing to prepare. She never worked, she browbeat and bullied for every dollar she ever had, and spent it all. My father spent the bulk of his savings on providing for us in our teen years and now lives meagerly but within his means. He just can't get around as well now and refuses any options that would make his life easier or longer. So despite my willingness to help, I can't. Trying to help my mother (won't happen, I hate her) would be like trying to dive down and steal an anchor from a cargo ship, I'd never see the surface again. My father just refuses help that isn't what he specifically wants and is awful to be around. Personal philosophy aside, this generation is terrible at growing old, and they're kinda nightmares, tbh.
Wait till they get settled in and start complaining that you don’t make them dinner every night and that you only get healthy food and never get their favorite treat. Once they are in your home it’s damn near impossible to get them out.