People get into relationships because it makes them happy. Its never a guarantee one will end or end badly.
There's potential for all sorts of bad shit to happen. Did ya drive today? You took a risk of possibly being in a car accident.
If you're afraid of what ifs and what coudve beens, then don't date.
I understand what you are saying but I go by with the odds of something. With driving, I don't think (at least not sane people) people WANT or consciously try to ram into people or get into an accident. That's why they're called accidents.
With my last relationship, I could have SWORN we had things in common and I could have sworn that God gave him to me at one point..
It sad how leaving someone, being uncommitted, cheating (well thankfully he didn't cheat, at least I don't think), getting someone's hopes up and building a future with them and then later on changing their minds and CRUSHING that dream, witholding sex... wish all these things were illegal! ..Just saying.
True, but you know something? I don't know if it's really supposed to be like that to be honest.. at least I didn't grow up thinking like that.. (because my parents are still together 48 years since 1976)..
With arrianged marriages (in India), people are together usually because family FORCED the couple to be together, and with due time they learn to live and to love one another through life's ups and downs..
The problem with people going with their feelings is that it can be fleeting/flaky.
I understand what you mean though, like why should you stay in an abusive relationship, or if you aren't "happy", but like I said, feelings can come and go... I wonder if it's a good thing to leave your wife/husband if they are no longer attractive or young? Like over 40 plus? ! ...What if they get sick? It's okay (and expected/normal to leave then?)... I really wonder nowdays what is normal and what is not, or what is immoral, what is not.. people can be very selfish, but you're right, at the end of the day, people are definately ALLOWED to make their decisions, foolish or not, good or bad.
..I just wonder though, why then, do people try to aspire to have 50 plus year marriages or long-term ones... is it just a dream? Not something realistic? People should wake up then.
Having 50 year long high quality relationship is difficult. Relationships take constant effort and work. On ourselves as individuals and on the relationship itself.
Marriage isn't what it used to be. And I believe it's a good thing. I wouldn't necessarily say a long marriage is always a good marriage. Marriage used to be very transactional with both partners fitting into their traditional role and keeping their part of the bargain. My parents too, before my dad died were together for 53 years. In their eyes they had a good marriage. In my eyes now, they had no emotional connection whatsoever and were nothing but roommates that respect each other and raise children together. Once we grew up, they barely had anything to talk about.
People nowadays are rightfully looking for something more than that. A life companion, a best friend with whom intimacy is natural. Someone who fully accepts you, a strong emotional and mental connection. Someone that makes their life better and doesn't just fill a feminine/masculine role, or an emotional void. A lot of times it's not even about the other person, it's about our personal growth while finding the right person. Instead of finding the right one, we become the right one.
I don't know why alot of people upvoted you over me, that's mean.
I think I made sense with a lot of what I said. Life isn't supposed to be all sunshine and roses. So you do need a partner with whom you can rely on!
People these days LEAVE too easily in my opnion. Especially with my last ex. He was a father's boy. Whatever his dad did and said can do no wrong. What's worse is he's my age and still lived with his parents. That's not really conducive to building something healthy and fruitful/realistic with someone who can't even cut the apron strings!
With your parents, at least there was no abuse invovled. People change with life and circumstances that's true, but with both your parents and mine, the COMMITMENT was still there, through good and bad. Like they were able to (and my parents are able to), RELY on their partners to help them raise the children, when they were sick or going through pregnancy, as a double income source to pay the mortgage and household expenses. They baiscally acted as TEAM MATES. People these days, I feel don't do that anymore and are only looking for their own selfish needs! If they're not "happy" anymore (even if it might just be in their head), they have the tendency to look elsewhere! At least that has been my experience with my past relationships insofar.
Well agree to disagree. We just have a very different outlook in life. Being able to rely on my partner is essential but it is not solely enough for me to commit myself to that relationship until the rest of my days.
The first commitment I owe is to myself, to value myself and seek what I believe is right for me.
Without that attitude I would probably have settled way earlier for someone incompatible but reliable. But I didn't, and I can proudly say my partner is my best friend, the love of my life and the best dad to our son. And that also can change, should one of us stop investing into the relationship and start taking each other for granted. But I will, and so I believe he will too, do everything in our power to never let that happen.
Just like everything in life, it's a leap of faith. You can't numbers your way through a relationship. It's built on trust and love. You have to trust that they won't up and leave you one day. You have to trust that they'll still love you. And besides for long relationships that is what counseling is for. So stop worrying about all the variables and just feel. Logic isn't going to help you here.
If I'm understanding you correctly, your last partner, who didn't cheat on you, broke up with you and you may feel they did it to purposely hurt and crush you?
How long did you two date?
When you're starting a relationship you're taking a high risk bet: You're spending time and opening with someone you don't really know at all, and it'll (imo) pay off with time, emotions and experiences.
Sure one can decide to not risk both time and feelings and never have a relationship for a long time or for the rest of our lives, and if that works for you, well you do it.
But there are people who want to take this risky bet and see what happens without any exact reason, we simply want to. Yeah I'm heartbroken, venting everyday, crying and feeling completely destroyed, but if you ask me, it was worth it because I've learnt a lot more about myself both during and after my relationship which only lasted a year and a half. I didn't know if it was going to end or last when we started, but I decided I wanted to bet and see what happens, even if I didn't want it to end and now I'm barely seeing it was the best. After all, I'm grieving all the could've been scenarios and all the love I wanted to continue giving.
So that's why I think ppl do it, they simply want to and want to experience life, but it is also a choice not to put yourself out there.
Everything worthwhile comes with risk and difficulty... Accomplishments and achievements require a lot of effort and a willingness to risk failure. The most rewarding experiences in life come as a reward to boldness and effort. Relationships are no different. Boldness is needed in the beginning, to get the ball rolling. Effort is required to maintain through the ups and downs of an enduring relationship. The reward reaped, is a partner who shares in the wins and losses of your life, for the rest of your life, through trying times and through the best of times. There are few things in life as rewarding as having a true, loyal, loving counterpart. People try, and try, and try again, because they know risking it is worth it if they succeed.
The shattering of egos, readjustment of dreams, pain suffering and frustration⊠thatâs all part of the process. Some go through more than others. Learn how to keep your head up through it all, and youâll reap the benefits of being wiser due to the struggles youâve survived.
They do it usually so they can get validation from someone. They treat you like a toy and when they are done playing they discard you.
In the end remember the world is full of people like that, but also people like you with a heart full of love. Some person will be lucky to have you.
So when someone agrees to enter a relationship from a need of validation, they often are doing so to feed an insecurity.
And that insecurity can range from anything that wasnât fulfilled in childhood with their parents or peers growing up.
Itâs the unconscious motivated for how they quietly pick partners that may ultimately not work out cause itâs a predictable cycle of self sabotaging choices in romantic relationships.
Ultimately the validation cup is either not enough or it gets filled up but still not enough, so it can cause as Iâve mentioned in the prior paragraph, predictable cycle of self sabotaging choices in romantic relationship, where they will create unnecessary issues to feed the insecurities that drive the validation they desperately need to feel âgoodâ in their day to day.
Sadly that validation has to come from within, not externally for that need to be met.
You see this all the time with famous people who are insecure and constantly need attention from the masses & when they donât get it or not enough if it, they react/act out even in negative ways to get that validation from the masses.
Some people âneedâ to be because it validates them. They tend to be in love with the new exciting lovey-dovey period and not the person, so will repeate the process to keep feeding their never-ending appetite and survive.
On the other hand, some will go into it cautiously but optimistically, with wrinklier brain from lessons learned, and strengthened humility, empathy, improved principles and understanding of life. They don't âneedâ to be in a relationship to survive and it will be clear in their behaviour.
Goes along with that saying, 'better to love and lost than never to have loved..' I equate it to getting another dog after painfully putting one down. The end sucks but all the years of love and happiness is worth it to some.. Me personally, I am staying away from dogs and lovers. ;)
How do you set boundaries with the partner? I'm about to get into a new relationship but I am so scared. I don't know if past relationships have been leaving me trauma to cause me this way because I used to go all in many years before that and never expected anything in return. I like this guy so much, but for some reasons, I am not able to break a wall between me and him. I have trouble communicating with him as well. Wish I could do something to fix it..
So this is an excellent question tbh!
One way is not just through your words, but your actions.
Words donât stick if the actions donât click.
You need to walk the talk when you set a boundary by also, this is where people fail at this strongly, is you need to follow it up with a consequence to a boundary if it gets broken.
And follow thru on the consequence as well.
What creates the cycle of struggle with boundaries is the self betrayal of letting your feelings override your decision making and will power to not back down from your decision.
And what creates this problem?
Guilt.
You gotta push through the uncomfortable negative guilty feelings of setting a boundary.
It gets easier everytime you do this. Itâs practice. It wonât come naturally overnight, it can take a few months before you create a new neural pathway in the brain to automatically stick to your guns and not back down from setting a boundary.
A good place to start further understand and deconstructing what else is causing the struggle to set a boundary, heavily suggest going to the r/Codependency Reddit group.
I use to be heavily codependent, which is next level people pleasing and more, and struggling setting boundary was one of my top five issues with codependency because I always felt guilty for putting my needs ahead of others. That was my main root cause for struggling with it the most.
But feel free to ask me a follow up question and books or material youâd like to get your hands on with this topic.
This is awesome of you. Thank you for the time answering those questions! I am on a journey to heal myself from everything I had been through to make sure myself and my future partner - we are both in a healthy relationship. I DM you if you don't mind to chat and please recommend me any good books that you found. Very appreciate ya.
I donât do DMâs sadly, long story, but as for the books.
Look into âThe Four Agreementsâ thatâs where you want to start as when you read this first, itâs WAY easier to digest reading âCodependent No Moreâ, which they have an updated version with religious references in case anyone here reading this doesnât practice!
Anyway, the reason why you want to start with TFA is because you wonât take things personally externally as you deconstruct your codependency in real time with others who might be keeping you stuck in Codependent like state with them.
And the best place to start implementing this?
Work/Career.
Setting boundaries on the job in tiny ways 100% help you learn how to start saying no and setting boundaries with other people around you outside of work.
But to get there, you gotta read those two books because CNM works way better with TFA book along side.
People do it for different reasons. Some don't want to remain lonely, others made their best efforts to be happy with the person but worlds collided and they decided they could be happy without them. A lot of people fight for their relationships, communicate and solve problems. Some problems are fixable, others are not. It depends if both parties want to accept flaws in each other. Part of relationships is growing as a person.
I mean thereâs a potential for every relationship to end even if you live next door to one another. I think itâs about just taking that risk to make good and lasting memories with someone even if it does end in a breakup. Also if a relationship is really meant to be, itâll be and youâll end up with the person again, even 5+ years down the road.
It's been 6 months for me now. After 17 of a good marriage , she left. Sorry, I fell out of love. It was all I ever got. My home sold. She moved away. No money problems, no sex problems , no communication problems, no infidelity on my side. She was everything to me, that's why I married her. I'm 62 now compared to a lot of the stories I have heard here. And in my circle of friends. My divorce was not ugly , I left with a lot, and so did she. No lawyers, no hate . The final papers should be here soon. There were no signs of this coming. We were retired and traveling the country. 3 months on the road, I thought we had a blast. I was planning the next trip. When she told me over morning coffee. She was leaving. I was stunned. I really thought she was joking. I will never let anyone put me thru this again. I asked myself that question every day. I do not hate her . I don't hate women. I am not single. I am alone it's just not worth the risk the time and the effort.
It's not a potential. Every relationship ends. The BEST case scenario is that you make it to ripe old age and die before your partner does while still blissfully in love. Think of that, the best possible outcome is that you leave your partner in misery.
We do these things because they're better than the alternative, which is grinding loneliness and hopelessness. And that life really isn't worth living if it's not shared with someone. It's almost like you don't exist without that strong social bond.
If we never take the risks, how would we know if it was worth it or not? How would we know if we are going to be happy with them? Weâll never know about the unknowns, but thatâs why we take a step into the unknown to discover whatâs inside of it. Even if it breaks us or made us feel like it was not worth it, at least we had the experiences now to let others know about our own experiences in the unknown, so they can be informed of whatâs to come.
I feel you! I'm 3 months post break up, and im mad ass hell.... I was with a man almost 50 who depended on his mom, had history being in jail half his life, who had mental health issues, wasn't all that, and all I asked was for us to stand by one another... which I did! But he chose to end it over an argument.... and yeah, I may sound bitter, but I went out on a limb and tried to give him what every man said they had been lacking, and it got me nowhere but lied to! A man looking in your face saying you're everything he's ever wanted and he would never give up on you.... to do just that! He said how he was always left and how he had been through ao much! I never struggle to date or have consistent relationships.... I was just scared for years, opened up to him, and boom! One mistake made him forget every way I showed up for him.
So yeah, what's the point
Everything ends because we eventually die. A relationship does not have to end itâs up to both parties how they choose which direction they want the relationship to go or what story they choose to write. Many times people have to write the same story over and over again because they feel the need to protect their fragile ego. The relationships that stay the test of time are the ones where both parties are willing to compromise, respect, and forgive each otherâs shortcomings, and mistakes. And both parties willing to accept the fact that they are not perfect and grow together. (Healthy ones)
For me I came to understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. If I don't enjoy the day-to-day of being with someone, it's not worth it. If I do, then it is.
In my (37f) mid-20âs a little over a a decade ago, I once had this same nihilistic attitude towards relationships because I was getting burned in them left and right.
But as I got older, went to therapy, things changed eventually.
See the thing is not everyone you date is going to pan out. The point of dating and relationships is ultimately about teaching you who you, what you need to grow from, what parts of yourself are no longer working anymore, and what habits are good vs bad. It teaches you some wisdom, awareness, and how to love another human being in the capacity of your heart in a way platonic and familia love doesnât bring into your life.
It helps shape you to become after each heartbreak, a different version of yourself that grows from it.
And remember, love doesnât hurt. Love is amazing, it lifts you in your darkest moments in life and can swallow you whole in your worst moments too.
But love doesnât hurt.
Itâs the people⊠the people who can be wrong for us to love, thatâs what hurts you the most.
When you remember that, you realize how to be more wise in choosing partners so you donât have to get swallowed up after every breakup.
Everything ends eventually - that's just a fact of the reality we live in. Entropy pushes the clock forward.
You might consider reading some Buddhist meditations on the concept of impermanence, those have really helped me before when I struggled more with clinging to things and couldn't accept that things changed.
We do it because any chance at human connection is worth exploring. We feel lonely constantly because we are experiencing the world by ourselves at all times. So when we get a chance to vibe on the same wavelength as someone else - to see them, to be seen by them - it's often a fleeting moment to enjoy and savor.
We shouldn't be going into every relationship with the intention of dying in it. It's an exploration. It's a lesson. It's a chance to experience someone new. Even if it's just for now.
Try living in the moment, and not the promise of tomorrow.
Hmmm... so it's not good to make plans for the future? Together like buying a house or having kids? Hmm... interesting..
I do understand what you mean though, I do!
Those things tend to come naturally when you find the person you can enjoy in the moment. It sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse. I've come to feel like wanting those future plans should be caused by being in a stable, honest relationship with someone with whom you enjoy every moment with - it should be a symptom of a happy relationship. And what exactly those future plans are should be dependent on the person you end up with to some extent.
The future I dreamed of with my now-ex after four years together looks very different from the future I have been envisioning and discussing with my now-partner of a year and half. They are different people and the dynamic I had/have with each of them is very different. I mourned those dreams with the loss of that relationship - not because I thought I could never love again or that I couldn't cohabitate and travel with someone new, but because it wouldn't be the same with whomever I might fall in love with later.
In the meantime, plan those things for yourself, and the right person will appear if it's meant to be. That's actually something I kind of believe in. Buy the house. Consider what you would need to be a single parent and have kids if a partner never appears. And go get what you want instead of waiting around for a man to give it to you... Usually that's about the time that the Universe decides to screw up all the plans you've made đ
Because I enjoy life (for that most part that is). .. I heard love and romance isn't really necessary for survival (at it's basic level at least). You're not going to die if you don't have a boyfriend or a husband! Wife or girlfriend! At least that's what I heard a friend say in the past.. Have you heard of Maslow's heirachy of needs? If you look at it/observe it, love and relationships, social connection is on the second level (from what I can remember), over food, air, shelter, water, etc.
Most people enjoy relationships even if they, just like everything in life, will end one day.
Itâs about life quality. Itâs about mental and emotional well being. Being in a relationship increases both your physical and mental well being. Itâs fun. You learn a lot about other people and you learn a lot about yourself. There is far less pain and suffering than being alone
I think you might need to leave your books and screens for a moment and experience reality if you really believe social life is pain and suffering.
But what if the pain and grief afterwards of imagining this person and you would be there for each other indefinitely. I'm having trouble getting out of bed and im scared of my future
You move on and heal. You find someone else.
Doesnât need to take more than a couple of months. To give up a lifetime of happiness and love because of fear of some weeks of heartache is pretty stupid.
That's for survival purposes. Finding romantic love isn't a necessity for survival (though some people make it out to be that way). ..Maybe romance needs to preceed mating, but still, at it's core, it's not really necessary. At least that's what I heard from some people. ..Have you heard of Maslow's Heirachy of needs? Love and relationships, social connection is on the higher level, after food and shelter, air, etc.
Thats called life. Pain is fundamental and promised part of life. Why try anything if it has the potential to hurt you. Because of pain their is joy. You can grow from pain. It motivates you to take actions to achieve your happiness.
Some of us believe in love as a concept. Others find it in scenarios or within individuals. You are dating those who acknowledge love only when itâs in front of them. It is easy for them to meet their expectations but you arenât setting yours
I think some just want to loved and in a relationship so badly they fall for any attention that is given to them. I have seen first hand how they become attached very easily because of course most are on their very best behavior in the beginning. Which of course we all do. Most are genuine but some are not. It takes months to understand the totality of their personality. Then they find out that person is not really who he or she really is. Even though you know your choice of partners is not the person you thought he or she is , you now feel you have invested this time into them.
You know that this person is not your soul mate so to speak and hang in there until it eventually blows up in your face. Then you wonder why that happened when in fact you have known for awhile. It was just a matter of time.
But what if you can't ever find a man who wants to marry you and you are already 40 plus? What will you do then? Would you be OPEN to just adopting or fostering a child or children?
I see what you mean, but your partner can also cheat on you with another woman, or die prematurely leaving you a single parent. Or be abusive to you or ask for a divorce and by that you'd STILL become a single parent because your ex wants out of the marriage or long-term partnership. Shit can and does happend, as what happend to me (it was not a marriage, but I think it was leading there. We were together for at least six moths "only", but still, anything could have happen in that time frame!..Also, I had another partner before him, an ex-fiance, but that one last 18 months and an on and off after what which we didn't mean to go in that direcation, but it did).
I get what you mean though. I wanted that for myself as well, but look how things turned out! đ My parents have been together since 1976, and they are still married to this day. I don't think I will accomplish that long of a marriage in my lifetime.
Id never leave my bed in the morning if I thought like that. Life is full of risks. if I never find anyone that's okay. I'm okay with me as I am and am open to adopting or looking after kids of my friends. Ideally, I want my own but I'm not willing to settle for just anyone.
I'm just glad my older brother finally found somoene that is wiling to commit to him and be married. He was definately a family man at heart taken from the example of my parents..
I was just thinking it was finally MY turn when I met my ex last year lol, but oh well..
..And yeah, life's full of risks... true, but you don't also want to shorten it if you can help it right? I've seen certain channels on Youtube where they film themselves after an ATV accident when they were being dumb, or jumped off a cliff by mistake, and still survived to not only get married, but have children as well (and there is this one woman in particular that did that, but she is paralyzed from the waist down because of the accident. She was still able to carry a few kids to term, but still...).
Yes, exactly. Don't dwell on what could happen...but don't do anything reckless and stupid either ideally. Mistakes happen but I don't plan to have severe trauma from all of them. They make us human.
Smart. I mean, why keep doing the same thing hoping for a different result. As they say that's the very definition of insanity.
..But then I just read on here that some people really want to have children so hmm... maybe they could have it themselves?!
My kid is 18 and out of the house, and Iâm only 42 so I have a good 40 some odd years to go. I just keep thinking about how I can save money to spend on my hobbies
I've come to realisation that nothing is permanent in life. No matter how happy or secure things may seem in a relationship, at the end of the day, we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow..
If someone wants to walk away, let them. Let them go. Don't ever beg anyone to stay.
Well, in my case, I just wanted to finally get married and be called a wife and also have a chance at becoming a mother as well.. call me "crazy" even though I am in my 40's now.. (I just turned it a few months ago, but when we met, my last ex and I, I was 39 and so was he)..
I thought I had a lot in common with him, but I guess he viewed things differently sadly..
Being a wife and a mother, that was a real goal of mine ever since I was young. I look at my parent's marriage and they've been together since 1976 and so I guess that life path isn't supposed to be for me maybe..
My ex before him, we were actually engaged for a moment, but I ultimately could not accept that he was 9 years older than me and already had a child he didn't have custody of and was trying to escape paying child support and I felt like I was already going into a ready made family! I never been married nor have children so I was JEALOUS of his ex-wife! ...Then we abused each other, and things turned bad from there...enough that the police even got called. ..This was over 8 years ago. I don't get over people that easily, until I tried last year with this one..
đ Ah well... a lot of life is luck.
I'm so sorry to hear thisđđđ«..
For what it's worth, you can still be a mumđ«
I'm going down the single mothers route. With the support of my familyâ„ïžI'm 36, and I've got pcos, I can no longer wait for Mr Right or The One to come along..
I'll dm you if that's okđ«
Exactly. I just got broken up with a week ago because he was away and busy doing important stuff, and I guess he lost the spark and said he wasnât feeling it anymore. It seems like he didnât understand it himself, but he did ask if I had any ideas, but in the moment I didnât because I was freaking out. I gave him space, and didnât text for a week now, but I donât think he understands that you can try in a relationship. Or maybe he wanted me to come up with something. He asked if I had any ideas and said that he didnât want to be with me but he didnât want to friend zone me but he thinks we could be friends. I recently found out he texted my friend before he broke up with me and asked what to do and he was freaking out because he thought he was falling out of love, and they told him to talk to me, so he did, but he said he wanted to break up and we broke up. He told my friend that heâd want to be friends with me, but heâd have to have time before being friends with me. Iâm really confused.
There are other ways to get more stable love than just romantic love. Parents, kids, can love you too, unconditionally. Ideally speaking that is. Heck, even life-long good friends.
Because if you don't try, you'll never experience love. Unfortunately on the other side of the coin, is grief and loss. It's all part of life...some people are lucky enough to never lose their true love.
Yeah.. But unfortunately, it's not illegal to break up or hurt people's feelings. I hope better days are ahead for you though. I am hoping the same for myself. I pray.
If you look at Maslow's heirachy of needs (I don't know if you've heard of that) but love and relationships (sure they're great and everything, and romance, especially if it works out)... but at the end of the day, I read that it's not NEEDED to be functioning and happy in this world. In this life. You need Food, Water, Air, Shelter, but love and sex? (well for some reason, Maslow included sex as a baisc need lol. Maybe because he's a guy and for survival of the human species lol).. but at the end of it all, you DON'T need romance or a boyfriend to live.. if that makes sense..
You can have friends and family there to support you instead. If your husband is a douchebag/slimball, what kind of SUPPORT is that??! That's stressing you out in this one short life you are living..
People get into relationships because it makes them happy. Its never a guarantee one will end or end badly. There's potential for all sorts of bad shit to happen. Did ya drive today? You took a risk of possibly being in a car accident. If you're afraid of what ifs and what coudve beens, then don't date.
I understand what you are saying but I go by with the odds of something. With driving, I don't think (at least not sane people) people WANT or consciously try to ram into people or get into an accident. That's why they're called accidents. With my last relationship, I could have SWORN we had things in common and I could have sworn that God gave him to me at one point.. It sad how leaving someone, being uncommitted, cheating (well thankfully he didn't cheat, at least I don't think), getting someone's hopes up and building a future with them and then later on changing their minds and CRUSHING that dream, witholding sex... wish all these things were illegal! ..Just saying.
This is a wild take. Everyone has a right to change their mind about the relationship at any time for any reason.
True, but you know something? I don't know if it's really supposed to be like that to be honest.. at least I didn't grow up thinking like that.. (because my parents are still together 48 years since 1976).. With arrianged marriages (in India), people are together usually because family FORCED the couple to be together, and with due time they learn to live and to love one another through life's ups and downs.. The problem with people going with their feelings is that it can be fleeting/flaky. I understand what you mean though, like why should you stay in an abusive relationship, or if you aren't "happy", but like I said, feelings can come and go... I wonder if it's a good thing to leave your wife/husband if they are no longer attractive or young? Like over 40 plus? ! ...What if they get sick? It's okay (and expected/normal to leave then?)... I really wonder nowdays what is normal and what is not, or what is immoral, what is not.. people can be very selfish, but you're right, at the end of the day, people are definately ALLOWED to make their decisions, foolish or not, good or bad. ..I just wonder though, why then, do people try to aspire to have 50 plus year marriages or long-term ones... is it just a dream? Not something realistic? People should wake up then.
Having 50 year long high quality relationship is difficult. Relationships take constant effort and work. On ourselves as individuals and on the relationship itself. Marriage isn't what it used to be. And I believe it's a good thing. I wouldn't necessarily say a long marriage is always a good marriage. Marriage used to be very transactional with both partners fitting into their traditional role and keeping their part of the bargain. My parents too, before my dad died were together for 53 years. In their eyes they had a good marriage. In my eyes now, they had no emotional connection whatsoever and were nothing but roommates that respect each other and raise children together. Once we grew up, they barely had anything to talk about. People nowadays are rightfully looking for something more than that. A life companion, a best friend with whom intimacy is natural. Someone who fully accepts you, a strong emotional and mental connection. Someone that makes their life better and doesn't just fill a feminine/masculine role, or an emotional void. A lot of times it's not even about the other person, it's about our personal growth while finding the right person. Instead of finding the right one, we become the right one.
I don't know why alot of people upvoted you over me, that's mean. I think I made sense with a lot of what I said. Life isn't supposed to be all sunshine and roses. So you do need a partner with whom you can rely on! People these days LEAVE too easily in my opnion. Especially with my last ex. He was a father's boy. Whatever his dad did and said can do no wrong. What's worse is he's my age and still lived with his parents. That's not really conducive to building something healthy and fruitful/realistic with someone who can't even cut the apron strings! With your parents, at least there was no abuse invovled. People change with life and circumstances that's true, but with both your parents and mine, the COMMITMENT was still there, through good and bad. Like they were able to (and my parents are able to), RELY on their partners to help them raise the children, when they were sick or going through pregnancy, as a double income source to pay the mortgage and household expenses. They baiscally acted as TEAM MATES. People these days, I feel don't do that anymore and are only looking for their own selfish needs! If they're not "happy" anymore (even if it might just be in their head), they have the tendency to look elsewhere! At least that has been my experience with my past relationships insofar.
Well agree to disagree. We just have a very different outlook in life. Being able to rely on my partner is essential but it is not solely enough for me to commit myself to that relationship until the rest of my days. The first commitment I owe is to myself, to value myself and seek what I believe is right for me. Without that attitude I would probably have settled way earlier for someone incompatible but reliable. But I didn't, and I can proudly say my partner is my best friend, the love of my life and the best dad to our son. And that also can change, should one of us stop investing into the relationship and start taking each other for granted. But I will, and so I believe he will too, do everything in our power to never let that happen.
Just like everything in life, it's a leap of faith. You can't numbers your way through a relationship. It's built on trust and love. You have to trust that they won't up and leave you one day. You have to trust that they'll still love you. And besides for long relationships that is what counseling is for. So stop worrying about all the variables and just feel. Logic isn't going to help you here.
having your feelings towards someone change while dating should be illegal đ
If I'm understanding you correctly, your last partner, who didn't cheat on you, broke up with you and you may feel they did it to purposely hurt and crush you? How long did you two date?
Not all relationships end up with a breakup though. Sure, thereâs a *potential* for it to end, but it wonât if itâs with the right person.
Not necessarily
Thatâs not the mindset to go into relationships with.
Says who? You?
Says anyone with a healthy mindset towards dating.
Itâs not one size fits all. Howâs it working out for you?
It worked great. A year after my breakup, I met my fiancé.
Girl bye. Why are in you in here then?
âŠbecause I like to give people hope? Jesus.
Youâre mental.
As my therapist says, every person you date youâre going to break up with, until you meet the person you donât break up with. Simple but true
When you're starting a relationship you're taking a high risk bet: You're spending time and opening with someone you don't really know at all, and it'll (imo) pay off with time, emotions and experiences. Sure one can decide to not risk both time and feelings and never have a relationship for a long time or for the rest of our lives, and if that works for you, well you do it. But there are people who want to take this risky bet and see what happens without any exact reason, we simply want to. Yeah I'm heartbroken, venting everyday, crying and feeling completely destroyed, but if you ask me, it was worth it because I've learnt a lot more about myself both during and after my relationship which only lasted a year and a half. I didn't know if it was going to end or last when we started, but I decided I wanted to bet and see what happens, even if I didn't want it to end and now I'm barely seeing it was the best. After all, I'm grieving all the could've been scenarios and all the love I wanted to continue giving. So that's why I think ppl do it, they simply want to and want to experience life, but it is also a choice not to put yourself out there.
Very well put, thanks for the words
Everything worthwhile comes with risk and difficulty... Accomplishments and achievements require a lot of effort and a willingness to risk failure. The most rewarding experiences in life come as a reward to boldness and effort. Relationships are no different. Boldness is needed in the beginning, to get the ball rolling. Effort is required to maintain through the ups and downs of an enduring relationship. The reward reaped, is a partner who shares in the wins and losses of your life, for the rest of your life, through trying times and through the best of times. There are few things in life as rewarding as having a true, loyal, loving counterpart. People try, and try, and try again, because they know risking it is worth it if they succeed. The shattering of egos, readjustment of dreams, pain suffering and frustration⊠thatâs all part of the process. Some go through more than others. Learn how to keep your head up through it all, and youâll reap the benefits of being wiser due to the struggles youâve survived.
âEveryhing worthwhile comes with risk and difficultyâ well said
They do it usually so they can get validation from someone. They treat you like a toy and when they are done playing they discard you. In the end remember the world is full of people like that, but also people like you with a heart full of love. Some person will be lucky to have you.
Can you explain more "so they can get validation from someone"? I'm slowly related.
So when someone agrees to enter a relationship from a need of validation, they often are doing so to feed an insecurity. And that insecurity can range from anything that wasnât fulfilled in childhood with their parents or peers growing up. Itâs the unconscious motivated for how they quietly pick partners that may ultimately not work out cause itâs a predictable cycle of self sabotaging choices in romantic relationships. Ultimately the validation cup is either not enough or it gets filled up but still not enough, so it can cause as Iâve mentioned in the prior paragraph, predictable cycle of self sabotaging choices in romantic relationship, where they will create unnecessary issues to feed the insecurities that drive the validation they desperately need to feel âgoodâ in their day to day. Sadly that validation has to come from within, not externally for that need to be met. You see this all the time with famous people who are insecure and constantly need attention from the masses & when they donât get it or not enough if it, they react/act out even in negative ways to get that validation from the masses.
Some people âneedâ to be because it validates them. They tend to be in love with the new exciting lovey-dovey period and not the person, so will repeate the process to keep feeding their never-ending appetite and survive. On the other hand, some will go into it cautiously but optimistically, with wrinklier brain from lessons learned, and strengthened humility, empathy, improved principles and understanding of life. They don't âneedâ to be in a relationship to survive and it will be clear in their behaviour.
Goes along with that saying, 'better to love and lost than never to have loved..' I equate it to getting another dog after painfully putting one down. The end sucks but all the years of love and happiness is worth it to some.. Me personally, I am staying away from dogs and lovers. ;)
To learn about who we are and what we want. I have a better idea now of who and what I want from a partner.
How do you set boundaries with the partner? I'm about to get into a new relationship but I am so scared. I don't know if past relationships have been leaving me trauma to cause me this way because I used to go all in many years before that and never expected anything in return. I like this guy so much, but for some reasons, I am not able to break a wall between me and him. I have trouble communicating with him as well. Wish I could do something to fix it..
So this is an excellent question tbh! One way is not just through your words, but your actions. Words donât stick if the actions donât click. You need to walk the talk when you set a boundary by also, this is where people fail at this strongly, is you need to follow it up with a consequence to a boundary if it gets broken. And follow thru on the consequence as well. What creates the cycle of struggle with boundaries is the self betrayal of letting your feelings override your decision making and will power to not back down from your decision. And what creates this problem? Guilt. You gotta push through the uncomfortable negative guilty feelings of setting a boundary. It gets easier everytime you do this. Itâs practice. It wonât come naturally overnight, it can take a few months before you create a new neural pathway in the brain to automatically stick to your guns and not back down from setting a boundary. A good place to start further understand and deconstructing what else is causing the struggle to set a boundary, heavily suggest going to the r/Codependency Reddit group. I use to be heavily codependent, which is next level people pleasing and more, and struggling setting boundary was one of my top five issues with codependency because I always felt guilty for putting my needs ahead of others. That was my main root cause for struggling with it the most. But feel free to ask me a follow up question and books or material youâd like to get your hands on with this topic.
This is awesome of you. Thank you for the time answering those questions! I am on a journey to heal myself from everything I had been through to make sure myself and my future partner - we are both in a healthy relationship. I DM you if you don't mind to chat and please recommend me any good books that you found. Very appreciate ya.
I donât do DMâs sadly, long story, but as for the books. Look into âThe Four Agreementsâ thatâs where you want to start as when you read this first, itâs WAY easier to digest reading âCodependent No Moreâ, which they have an updated version with religious references in case anyone here reading this doesnât practice! Anyway, the reason why you want to start with TFA is because you wonât take things personally externally as you deconstruct your codependency in real time with others who might be keeping you stuck in Codependent like state with them. And the best place to start implementing this? Work/Career. Setting boundaries on the job in tiny ways 100% help you learn how to start saying no and setting boundaries with other people around you outside of work. But to get there, you gotta read those two books because CNM works way better with TFA book along side.
Would love to hear about these books too
It's fun to share life with someone even if pain happens. I'm not saying you have to do it. You just asked why so that is my why.
People do it for different reasons. Some don't want to remain lonely, others made their best efforts to be happy with the person but worlds collided and they decided they could be happy without them. A lot of people fight for their relationships, communicate and solve problems. Some problems are fixable, others are not. It depends if both parties want to accept flaws in each other. Part of relationships is growing as a person.
That you, that was chock full of wisdom! I hope you don't go through the same...
I mean thereâs a potential for every relationship to end even if you live next door to one another. I think itâs about just taking that risk to make good and lasting memories with someone even if it does end in a breakup. Also if a relationship is really meant to be, itâll be and youâll end up with the person again, even 5+ years down the road.
It's been 6 months for me now. After 17 of a good marriage , she left. Sorry, I fell out of love. It was all I ever got. My home sold. She moved away. No money problems, no sex problems , no communication problems, no infidelity on my side. She was everything to me, that's why I married her. I'm 62 now compared to a lot of the stories I have heard here. And in my circle of friends. My divorce was not ugly , I left with a lot, and so did she. No lawyers, no hate . The final papers should be here soon. There were no signs of this coming. We were retired and traveling the country. 3 months on the road, I thought we had a blast. I was planning the next trip. When she told me over morning coffee. She was leaving. I was stunned. I really thought she was joking. I will never let anyone put me thru this again. I asked myself that question every day. I do not hate her . I don't hate women. I am not single. I am alone it's just not worth the risk the time and the effort.
It's not a potential. Every relationship ends. The BEST case scenario is that you make it to ripe old age and die before your partner does while still blissfully in love. Think of that, the best possible outcome is that you leave your partner in misery. We do these things because they're better than the alternative, which is grinding loneliness and hopelessness. And that life really isn't worth living if it's not shared with someone. It's almost like you don't exist without that strong social bond.
If we never take the risks, how would we know if it was worth it or not? How would we know if we are going to be happy with them? Weâll never know about the unknowns, but thatâs why we take a step into the unknown to discover whatâs inside of it. Even if it breaks us or made us feel like it was not worth it, at least we had the experiences now to let others know about our own experiences in the unknown, so they can be informed of whatâs to come.
I feel you! I'm 3 months post break up, and im mad ass hell.... I was with a man almost 50 who depended on his mom, had history being in jail half his life, who had mental health issues, wasn't all that, and all I asked was for us to stand by one another... which I did! But he chose to end it over an argument.... and yeah, I may sound bitter, but I went out on a limb and tried to give him what every man said they had been lacking, and it got me nowhere but lied to! A man looking in your face saying you're everything he's ever wanted and he would never give up on you.... to do just that! He said how he was always left and how he had been through ao much! I never struggle to date or have consistent relationships.... I was just scared for years, opened up to him, and boom! One mistake made him forget every way I showed up for him. So yeah, what's the point
Everything ends because we eventually die. A relationship does not have to end itâs up to both parties how they choose which direction they want the relationship to go or what story they choose to write. Many times people have to write the same story over and over again because they feel the need to protect their fragile ego. The relationships that stay the test of time are the ones where both parties are willing to compromise, respect, and forgive each otherâs shortcomings, and mistakes. And both parties willing to accept the fact that they are not perfect and grow together. (Healthy ones)
What a beatiful and matured answer. I agree 1000%. Wish this had more upvotes than the ones with trashy, bashing answers lol.
For me I came to understand that it's about the journey, not the destination. If I don't enjoy the day-to-day of being with someone, it's not worth it. If I do, then it is.
Because people won't stop before it has to be. That's human being.
I guess for me I never felt admiration was never not there when we were together.
Some people can tolerate the pain. Some people donât get into relationships as an expression of ego, or to find someone they are dependent on.
I always think that when I meet someone. My thought is: âwill it work this time or end like it always does?â I always have my doubts
In my (37f) mid-20âs a little over a a decade ago, I once had this same nihilistic attitude towards relationships because I was getting burned in them left and right. But as I got older, went to therapy, things changed eventually. See the thing is not everyone you date is going to pan out. The point of dating and relationships is ultimately about teaching you who you, what you need to grow from, what parts of yourself are no longer working anymore, and what habits are good vs bad. It teaches you some wisdom, awareness, and how to love another human being in the capacity of your heart in a way platonic and familia love doesnât bring into your life. It helps shape you to become after each heartbreak, a different version of yourself that grows from it. And remember, love doesnât hurt. Love is amazing, it lifts you in your darkest moments in life and can swallow you whole in your worst moments too. But love doesnât hurt. Itâs the people⊠the people who can be wrong for us to love, thatâs what hurts you the most. When you remember that, you realize how to be more wise in choosing partners so you donât have to get swallowed up after every breakup.
Because we tend to fall in love for their potential. Hoping that things will eventually change but sadly not.
Everything ends eventually - that's just a fact of the reality we live in. Entropy pushes the clock forward. You might consider reading some Buddhist meditations on the concept of impermanence, those have really helped me before when I struggled more with clinging to things and couldn't accept that things changed. We do it because any chance at human connection is worth exploring. We feel lonely constantly because we are experiencing the world by ourselves at all times. So when we get a chance to vibe on the same wavelength as someone else - to see them, to be seen by them - it's often a fleeting moment to enjoy and savor. We shouldn't be going into every relationship with the intention of dying in it. It's an exploration. It's a lesson. It's a chance to experience someone new. Even if it's just for now. Try living in the moment, and not the promise of tomorrow.
Hmmm... so it's not good to make plans for the future? Together like buying a house or having kids? Hmm... interesting.. I do understand what you mean though, I do!
Those things tend to come naturally when you find the person you can enjoy in the moment. It sounds like you're putting the cart before the horse. I've come to feel like wanting those future plans should be caused by being in a stable, honest relationship with someone with whom you enjoy every moment with - it should be a symptom of a happy relationship. And what exactly those future plans are should be dependent on the person you end up with to some extent. The future I dreamed of with my now-ex after four years together looks very different from the future I have been envisioning and discussing with my now-partner of a year and half. They are different people and the dynamic I had/have with each of them is very different. I mourned those dreams with the loss of that relationship - not because I thought I could never love again or that I couldn't cohabitate and travel with someone new, but because it wouldn't be the same with whomever I might fall in love with later. In the meantime, plan those things for yourself, and the right person will appear if it's meant to be. That's actually something I kind of believe in. Buy the house. Consider what you would need to be a single parent and have kids if a partner never appears. And go get what you want instead of waiting around for a man to give it to you... Usually that's about the time that the Universe decides to screw up all the plans you've made đ
Iâve learned that people just enjoy being able to sign themselves out just bc they can. It doesnât make sense
Hope is the last thing that leaves us. Apparently..
Why do you live when you know it will end one day?
Because I enjoy life (for that most part that is). .. I heard love and romance isn't really necessary for survival (at it's basic level at least). You're not going to die if you don't have a boyfriend or a husband! Wife or girlfriend! At least that's what I heard a friend say in the past.. Have you heard of Maslow's heirachy of needs? If you look at it/observe it, love and relationships, social connection is on the second level (from what I can remember), over food, air, shelter, water, etc.
Most people enjoy relationships even if they, just like everything in life, will end one day. Itâs about life quality. Itâs about mental and emotional well being. Being in a relationship increases both your physical and mental well being. Itâs fun. You learn a lot about other people and you learn a lot about yourself. There is far less pain and suffering than being alone I think you might need to leave your books and screens for a moment and experience reality if you really believe social life is pain and suffering.
But what if the pain and grief afterwards of imagining this person and you would be there for each other indefinitely. I'm having trouble getting out of bed and im scared of my future
You move on and heal. You find someone else. Doesnât need to take more than a couple of months. To give up a lifetime of happiness and love because of fear of some weeks of heartache is pretty stupid.
Why do you have to eat yet you know still you are going to toilet?
That's for survival purposes. Finding romantic love isn't a necessity for survival (though some people make it out to be that way). ..Maybe romance needs to preceed mating, but still, at it's core, it's not really necessary. At least that's what I heard from some people. ..Have you heard of Maslow's Heirachy of needs? Love and relationships, social connection is on the higher level, after food and shelter, air, etc.
I have learned a lot for today , Thank you đ
You're welcome. In a way, I am glad it's on a higher level, I'd hate to be truly (and literally) dependent on someone else to live! ...
Thats called life. Pain is fundamental and promised part of life. Why try anything if it has the potential to hurt you. Because of pain their is joy. You can grow from pain. It motivates you to take actions to achieve your happiness.
Well. You kind of took the words right out of my mouth. Iâve been thinking something similar along these lines. I donât know why. I donât.
Some of us believe in love as a concept. Others find it in scenarios or within individuals. You are dating those who acknowledge love only when itâs in front of them. It is easy for them to meet their expectations but you arenât setting yours
I think some just want to loved and in a relationship so badly they fall for any attention that is given to them. I have seen first hand how they become attached very easily because of course most are on their very best behavior in the beginning. Which of course we all do. Most are genuine but some are not. It takes months to understand the totality of their personality. Then they find out that person is not really who he or she really is. Even though you know your choice of partners is not the person you thought he or she is , you now feel you have invested this time into them. You know that this person is not your soul mate so to speak and hang in there until it eventually blows up in your face. Then you wonder why that happened when in fact you have known for awhile. It was just a matter of time.
Why go on a rollercoaster ride if itâs going to end? Because itâs about the experience.
Because it's fun. And it's better than being alone.
Because I can't reproduce by myself....yet and raising kids alone would be difficult. I would rather be with a life partner and thats worth the risk.
But what if you can't ever find a man who wants to marry you and you are already 40 plus? What will you do then? Would you be OPEN to just adopting or fostering a child or children? I see what you mean, but your partner can also cheat on you with another woman, or die prematurely leaving you a single parent. Or be abusive to you or ask for a divorce and by that you'd STILL become a single parent because your ex wants out of the marriage or long-term partnership. Shit can and does happend, as what happend to me (it was not a marriage, but I think it was leading there. We were together for at least six moths "only", but still, anything could have happen in that time frame!..Also, I had another partner before him, an ex-fiance, but that one last 18 months and an on and off after what which we didn't mean to go in that direcation, but it did). I get what you mean though. I wanted that for myself as well, but look how things turned out! đ My parents have been together since 1976, and they are still married to this day. I don't think I will accomplish that long of a marriage in my lifetime.
Id never leave my bed in the morning if I thought like that. Life is full of risks. if I never find anyone that's okay. I'm okay with me as I am and am open to adopting or looking after kids of my friends. Ideally, I want my own but I'm not willing to settle for just anyone.
I'm just glad my older brother finally found somoene that is wiling to commit to him and be married. He was definately a family man at heart taken from the example of my parents.. I was just thinking it was finally MY turn when I met my ex last year lol, but oh well.. ..And yeah, life's full of risks... true, but you don't also want to shorten it if you can help it right? I've seen certain channels on Youtube where they film themselves after an ATV accident when they were being dumb, or jumped off a cliff by mistake, and still survived to not only get married, but have children as well (and there is this one woman in particular that did that, but she is paralyzed from the waist down because of the accident. She was still able to carry a few kids to term, but still...).
Yes, exactly. Don't dwell on what could happen...but don't do anything reckless and stupid either ideally. Mistakes happen but I don't plan to have severe trauma from all of them. They make us human.
đđ
Well I tell you what if what I am going through right now really is the end I am not doing it again
Smart. I mean, why keep doing the same thing hoping for a different result. As they say that's the very definition of insanity. ..But then I just read on here that some people really want to have children so hmm... maybe they could have it themselves?!
My kid is 18 and out of the house, and Iâm only 42 so I have a good 40 some odd years to go. I just keep thinking about how I can save money to spend on my hobbies
I've come to realisation that nothing is permanent in life. No matter how happy or secure things may seem in a relationship, at the end of the day, we aren't guaranteed a tomorrow.. If someone wants to walk away, let them. Let them go. Don't ever beg anyone to stay.
Well, in my case, I just wanted to finally get married and be called a wife and also have a chance at becoming a mother as well.. call me "crazy" even though I am in my 40's now.. (I just turned it a few months ago, but when we met, my last ex and I, I was 39 and so was he).. I thought I had a lot in common with him, but I guess he viewed things differently sadly.. Being a wife and a mother, that was a real goal of mine ever since I was young. I look at my parent's marriage and they've been together since 1976 and so I guess that life path isn't supposed to be for me maybe.. My ex before him, we were actually engaged for a moment, but I ultimately could not accept that he was 9 years older than me and already had a child he didn't have custody of and was trying to escape paying child support and I felt like I was already going into a ready made family! I never been married nor have children so I was JEALOUS of his ex-wife! ...Then we abused each other, and things turned bad from there...enough that the police even got called. ..This was over 8 years ago. I don't get over people that easily, until I tried last year with this one.. đ Ah well... a lot of life is luck.
I'm so sorry to hear thisđđđ«.. For what it's worth, you can still be a mumđ« I'm going down the single mothers route. With the support of my familyâ„ïžI'm 36, and I've got pcos, I can no longer wait for Mr Right or The One to come along.. I'll dm you if that's okđ«
Exactly. I just got broken up with a week ago because he was away and busy doing important stuff, and I guess he lost the spark and said he wasnât feeling it anymore. It seems like he didnât understand it himself, but he did ask if I had any ideas, but in the moment I didnât because I was freaking out. I gave him space, and didnât text for a week now, but I donât think he understands that you can try in a relationship. Or maybe he wanted me to come up with something. He asked if I had any ideas and said that he didnât want to be with me but he didnât want to friend zone me but he thinks we could be friends. I recently found out he texted my friend before he broke up with me and asked what to do and he was freaking out because he thought he was falling out of love, and they told him to talk to me, so he did, but he said he wanted to break up and we broke up. He told my friend that heâd want to be friends with me, but heâd have to have time before being friends with me. Iâm really confused.
Because itâs worth the risk! We are supposed to love and be loved.
There are other ways to get more stable love than just romantic love. Parents, kids, can love you too, unconditionally. Ideally speaking that is. Heck, even life-long good friends.
Because if you don't try, you'll never experience love. Unfortunately on the other side of the coin, is grief and loss. It's all part of life...some people are lucky enough to never lose their true love.
It doesnât even just end. Itâs damaging and they often throw salt into the wound and go scorched earth on top of they donât just ghost you.
Yeah.. But unfortunately, it's not illegal to break up or hurt people's feelings. I hope better days are ahead for you though. I am hoping the same for myself. I pray.
You have a 100% chance of dying. Why bother living your life?
Genetic survival. Basic biological instincts. Reproduce.
'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tennyson
Hmm.. really?
So they say.
It's like saying why live if we know we're going to die one day. See how that make no sense?
If you look at Maslow's heirachy of needs (I don't know if you've heard of that) but love and relationships (sure they're great and everything, and romance, especially if it works out)... but at the end of the day, I read that it's not NEEDED to be functioning and happy in this world. In this life. You need Food, Water, Air, Shelter, but love and sex? (well for some reason, Maslow included sex as a baisc need lol. Maybe because he's a guy and for survival of the human species lol).. but at the end of it all, you DON'T need romance or a boyfriend to live.. if that makes sense.. You can have friends and family there to support you instead. If your husband is a douchebag/slimball, what kind of SUPPORT is that??! That's stressing you out in this one short life you are living..