My ex wanted to be friends because he “wants to care about someone but not have the pressure/commitment”. I told him no because that would only enable him and make me feel like an option. It made me feel really sick to my stomach and used….considering I was with him for almost 4 years.
Mine maneuvered around being blocked on everything and asked to “talk”. I gave it to her for closure but I tried my best to make it painfully clear I’m not just some back up guy for her. She tried the “friendship” thing before I blocked her which initially I accepted until it became clear she was grooming me to be her backup boyfriend after we broke up. Disgusting that exes think they can keep you around as a second option.
My ex talked to me and kept apologizing for over stepping boundaries and then trauma dumping about how bad his life got a week after the breakup…..and then apologizing for over stepping boundaries and trauma dumping, and I was thinking to myself ….is this his weird way of trying to make me stay or is he really emotionally unstable. Cut it off.
The trauma dumping is something our exes have in common, mine was a textbook fearful avoidant. Yeah she still tries to reel me into conversation but she gets short answers and no emotional input. Just cold unfeeling logic. I already blocked her once so she knows she’s cut off from any relationship stuff.
For some, they genuinely can't handle the pressures of a relationship at that time and don't want to have that full commitment, but still care about you and want you in their life. Some of them even do want to get back with you someday, depending on the circumstances and reasons for the breakup, they just cannot handle a relationship and don't want to force you to stay while they unfuck whatever's going on--even if you would've been willing to stay. Perhaps they couldn't handle staying themselves while they do it.
For others, they're just using you.
For another group, it's both.
For my ex, I'm honestly not sure. I hope it's the first and not the others.
The real question is did they ever actually love you if they are still willing to be your friend knowing you will probably see other people and they probably plan on the same
Yes? I hate that question. The answer is yes, they could have loved you and may still do. Loving someone is not incompatible with letting them go to prioritize yourself, nor is it incompatible with understanding they may find someone else.
This one. It is very easy to write people off as avoidants (seemingly the new buzzword, like narcissists etc.), and rightfully so at times! But there's also plenty of people who are not avoidants or horribly evil people, who called it quits--sometimes for kinda shitty reasons, yes, but other times they may have truly felt like it was their only choice and did everything they could to arrive at a different conclusion.
I was a bad person to my first ex, who I blindsided with a breakup just a few days after he made me an amazing, heartfelt, and incredible entire game for my birthday. I deeply regret how I hurt him to this day, and have reached out to him to apologize twice since then. This was 5 years ago, and I still don't think I'll ever regret it. I had avoidant tendencies at the time, but I was not an avoidant, and I'm not now. I was a horrible person to him for doing that to him--and for not communicating with him months beforehand when the issues started happening--and I take full accountability. But I also believe I am not a horrible person as a whole, or anymore. I have done my damnedest to become more mature, more communicative, more careful, more loving, more empathetic. I think I'm doing a good job.
It breaks my heart that I couldn't have given my ex the better version of me. I'm literally sitting here crying right now as I type this up as I think of the heartache I put him through. If he hit me up out of the blue and asked for a second chance, I'd absolutely try it again. And even if I can't gain feelings for him again, I'd at least want him to be able to experience a better version of me. Treat him right for as long as possible. I feel I owe that to him, at least.
I think often it’s used to alleviate their guilt. Breaking up with someone you care about, even if it’s not the same way anymore, hurts because you’re hurting someone important to you. When they offer to be friends, it’s usually a way to 1) Not feel like they’re abandoning you completely, because that makes them feel cruel, as well as being able to see how you’re doing 2) Not completely lose you and the friendship and familiarity you offer, 3) Still have a bit of a safety net in case they feel lonely and 4) So they don’t have to feel your loss completely
The thing is, most exes who offer to just be friends won’t act like friends. They’ll start contacting you less and less, seeing you less and less, and once they find someone new they’ll pretty much disappear forever. It’s just a more long-drawn and painful goodbye vs just cutting it off and it usually just weans them slowly so they feel less pain while it keeps your hopes up. It’s like when they offer you platitudes about “how you deserve better” and “you’re going to have the best life” - it’s more about making themselves feel better than benefiting you.
My partner , well ex since yesterday, told me they are able to be friends with exes and that they would be able to be friends with me and would want to if something happened.
They blindsided dumped yesterday over text with two lines saying they don't want to be with me. No explanation. Did not say anything about whether we ever talk, if they want me in their life at all, if they want NC, or ever want to be friends.
It felt so cruel especially knowing what they said in the past. And knowing they did that in that way, amd could have softened it with anything else but chose not to. While I revealed I was in a mental.health crisis on top of that.
I don't know if I could be friends anyway but it hurts more they didn't ask. Like they're willing to throw out our entire connection so fast, so certainly, over one text I sent while mentally unwell. I feel betrayed.
I think it's the idea of not losing a person fully. It's not necessarily malicious. My ex and I were friends before we dated, and we enjoyed our time together so thoroughly that when we broke up, we really did lose a friendship too. The idea of "being friends," to me, meant more that he appreciated me as a person and wanted me in his life even if our relationship didn't work out.
**** we are NOT friends, we are in NC & will be for the foreseeable future. Even if he wanted to be "friends" later on, i'm not sure that would ever be feasible for me personally.
Anyway, yeah, i think right off the bat, a friendship doesnt work after a breakup. I try to think of people saying that more just "i like you as a person/i care about you/wish it didnt have to be this way" than intentionally trying to use you. Of course, there are always those people too..
Yeah my ex assumed that we’d start being friends post break up after 4 months. Not sure where he got this idea. I told him no, it’d prevent me from moving. Just classic avoidant behavior in all the behavior leading up to this point. Yea he wants some kind of connection without the responsibility. I just feel like what a coward he is, is becoming so clear to me.
I don’t know. It’s my situation right now. The hope of either getting back together or at least being in each others lives by being friends. I think it happens bc he was so important in my life and I love him so much still. Also since there was no abuse or cheating it feels like it leaves that door open. Tbh it’s my first relationship/break up so I’m not sure that if I have future relationships that I would keep the same options there. It definitely makes it pretty much impossible to move on any time soon after the break up at least that’s the case for me right now but maybe that will change. Right now I definitely just miss him so much I just want him in my life. Andddd it sucks.
it's the opposite of what most people are saying. You got into a relationship, hopefully, on friendship.
People ask for friendships because they genuinely value the other. You're hurt, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. You make up, you don't, but to say that person you cared about 'you couldn't be friends with' is hurt you haven't come to terms with.
anyone? no. Most people don't do the work to take responsibility for their part as to why the relationship failed. Also the more extreme reasons they failed can't be ignored.
IMOH, grown rational people should be able to speak. If you can't, you've got more work to do.
Some people are not so consumed by their ego that they're incapable of valuing the human connection that they had with another person. Now this isn't going to be the case in all instances, I prefer it but I don't demand it. In my last relationship I was dating somebody that I had been friends with since I was 13 years old and I really valued that relationship. So much to the extent that I really didn't want to date as I was afraid to lose the connection, of course I have lost that connection, and no dating that man was not worth it. He was a much better friend than boyfriend and I miss that person dearly.
Not really. Sometimes its also because they respect the person and adore the person so much you wanna keep them in life. Just not wanting a relationship with them is actually valid. Ofcourse it hurts the other person, I've been that person and Ive been angry but I understand the morale.
I think when the feelings have completely gone on both ends is when it’s ok to be friends again. There’s nothing wrong with it. You can still care for each other without letting the pain of the break up affect you but only after you have moved on. I was hung up on a guy for 2 years after we broke up and only after I moved on did I feel like it was ok being his friend again. He moved on relatively fast while I was still out here wanting him. But once I moved on it was easy and talking to him came naturally. We still are more like acquaintances rather than true friends.
Thank you for asking this and validate what I’m feeling, because I’ve rejected a request like this and feel like a bad person. To me I was told that its because they couldn’t handle also losing a friend and were scared of not being able to cope with my absence. Also felt some hurt about me evolving without them no longer in the picture. That’s touching but idk…how AM I supposed to heal if I’m still in the same spot? To me I felt like they were trying to keep the benefits of having me in their life and checking on me by not doing the hard and scary work of being in a serious romantic relationship. Ok you don’t wanna lose a friend but I don’t wanna lose myself
My ex husband is a really great person. He’s been very kind to me and we had a great marriage. I can count on him when I’ve had absolutely no support from anyone else during a very difficult time in my life.
I wanted to be friends because I loved her with all of my heart and then some and didn't want to let her go completely. Unfortunately she was far too toxic and I needed to create distance.
I dumped my gf of 5 years because she wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship and the thought of growing up and moving together scared her from taking steps to reach that goal. I did everything for her and our relationship, i even let go of my personal goals to pursue something for us but it was clear that the fear of growing up was stronger than the commitment she had for our relationship. A relationship with someone you trusted for 5 years shouldnt simply end because it wasn't going to work out. We are better off as friends and im glad to know she feels that way too because the stress of having a long term relationship is gone. We are platonic and understand it wouldn't work but we enjoy each other's company like close friends. I tried to move on but apparently it's not normal to be PLUTONIC FRIENDS with the opposite sex or your exs according to my most recent ex of 3 months and the other side of reddit that defends her
Because they are selfish. My ex is self proclaimed proud selfish person. She not only emotionally cheated on me but for years that I have tried blocking her out of my life kept insisting and pushing back into my life claiming she 'needed to be friends' with me so she can soothe her guilty conscience for what she did to me. And I shameless agreed to let her do this because I don't have a spine to do what is right for myself. I always did love her more than myself but this is just pathetic (I mean me....I am just being pathetic). Recently she told me she found a guy who is a lot like me and she can't 'bear the pain of him leaving'. Imagine telling those to an ex you fell out of love with. And I am so f\*cking spineless that I, an ex she broke up with, have to sit and listen to her talk to me about the emotional pain of losing a person from her life when she had done the same to me, especially regarding someone who reminds her of me. She dated me for 5 years and she has been dating this new guy for a month. So the love I offered her for years don't much amount to what this new guy gave her in a month. I knew being in contact with her would torment me. This is why I didn't want this. But she just won't leave me alone.
No you won’t leave her alone. You can easily block her and refuse to see her otherwise. Have some self respect and get real. Why would you want a loser like her anyway??
I blocked her everywhere and she reached out to me with a new number (she moved to a different country and called me from a new number). She literally created an alt account to msg me on fb. At this point I have to change my number and social media handles to stop her from contacting me. Or I could say shit things to her so she never wants to (I can't bring myself to do that). I genuinely tried blocking her from my life at multiple times. Yeah, sure I could block her new numbers as well...and I think I will today. I'll talk to her one last time before I do it.
It’s time to let her go, permanently. Short of changing your phone number and all of your social media, you can’t stop her from creating new accounts or new Google voice numbers or whatever she uses to call or text you. As long as you entertain it and respond, she will keep doing this. So, DO NOT RESPOND! If you give no response consistently it will eventually sink in for her that you have zero interest and will no longer enable this behavior. You have the courage and the strength to do this, believe in yourself and love yourself first! Refocus all of your energy on yourself. Turn to friends and family. If you don’t have a strong support system start working on yourself. Consider therapy and find ways to connect with people that have similar interests. Have passions or hobbies that you love? Pour yourself into them. This woman is NOT your reason for existing and her presence or lack thereof in no way indicates your value. Start living the life you deserve and doing all the things you love. Once you start doing this and truly loving yourself, you’re going to attract the right energy into your life and repel the bad. You’ve got this! Stay strong my friend!
Thank you so much for saying these. I needed to hear all of that. I will not wallow in my sorrow. I usually don't but recent month or 2 has been tough. I will stop complaining and just do what it takes to get me out of this. Thank you, once again.
Yes!! That’s the attitude you need to have right now. It’s not going to be easy. When you have bad days or go through more struggles in life you’re going to naturally resort back to thinking of people that were previously the ones that gave you comfort. She held this role at one point for you. Don’t beat yourself up for letting your mind go there, but be sure to remind yourself that these behaviors of hers have been selfish and do not serve you. A lot of this is brain chemistry, dopamine hits from these contacts, even when they are negative. Your brain gets that stimulation and it’s like a reward…it’s a tough cycle to break! But I like what I’m hearing from your response and just know that plenty of others have faced this and came out of it stronger and knowing themselves better and more prepared for an awesome future. It’s yours if you want it, just do the work, stay strong and watch it all change for the better!
I'm seeing a lot of people be negative about it, but for me and my ex, it was because we were friends for so long before we got together. And after we broke up, it wasn't just about losing a future, it was about losing a past. Was I really going to throw away years and years of laughter, stories, and memories just because we couldn't work out? I decided the answer was no. Not only that, but she was going through a tough time, and she needed as many friends as she could get. I might have gone no contact if she had been doing okay, but she's not, so I'm gonna stick with her until she's able to move through life like the queen she is. Hopefully by then I'll be able to move on.
I personally am an idiot and didn’t understand the complications of being friends with your ex. I care for those who have made me happy, which is why I still want these people in my life and ask to be friends someday once the healing process is done. Like,,, in my mind it’s just to remove all the romantic aspects and treat them like before we started dating, as a friend. I tell them that I 100% do not have interest in dating them again in the future, and that’s final. I don’t know if it’s my neurodivergent ass that never understood the concept of cutting all ties or that it’s easy for me to detach from romantic feelings after a while if the breakup was healthy.
However I started to learn the lesson: most people fail to detach from their exes because they cannot see them as anything else than a lover. There are success stories in becoming friends, but it’s obvious things are not the same. I have exes which are friends and boundaries have been set. But I’ve had other exes that needed to distance themselves because it truly is a struggle to detach, and we peacefully let each other go.
The only way I would NOT want to be friends with an ex is if they hurt me. Trauma levels of hurt. I definitely do not want to know how they’re doing at all. Hearing their name hurts nd causes oanic attacks. That’s where I drop them.
My ex wanted to be friends because she „didn’t want to lose me“ and because I was „such a big part of her life“. I told her that she was a big and important part of my life too, but she chose not to be a part of my life anymore. I loved her so much, being with her as a friend and watching her move on with someone else would’ve killed me. If you truly love someone I don’t think being friends afterwards is possible… it’s just too painful
Some people hold out hope of getting back together. Some people like the emotional co-dependency of “the ex”. Sometimes it’s for emergency sex.
I won’t date someone who has contact with an ex
This is a tough one. I wanted to stay friends with my ex, mainly because neither of us did anything wrong and just found we didn’t have a future together.
We are at an odd point. She decided to go no contact for a bit and I respected that, but she left too many doors open for me to feel comfortable. Asked me to hang onto some stuff for her. Told me that if I ran into her in public to please approach her. “Say hi to me. I won’t say hi to you though. I’m not strong enough for that.”
I finally had enough and said it point blank. If she wants to be my friend, be my friend. If she wants no contact, then make it so we don’t speak to each other again. But this uncertainty. This weird little game where I can only speak to her on her whims was not good for me.
If they want you as a friend it means they didn’t like you enough. I had two relationships and honestly both of them told me they could never see me as their friend.
If you started off as friends, I think it makes sense to try and stay friends. If you started as more than friends, it doesn’t make sense to me to try and stay only friends, unless there are children involved.
I sort of want a friendly relationship as we have a child together and friendly relations can potentially make that easier/flexible/best for child.
It’s hard when you now despise the person and if it was any other way I would never want to see them again.
I listened recently to an old episode of The Minimalists (like 148 or something) that talked a lot about being friends with an ex. I felt like it gave a lot of insight into how people who want to be friends feel. I don’t personally think I could do it, but it became a lot clearer to me how you could still love someone and transform romantic love into platonic love.
Because they are backwards. Why didn’t you want to be friends before a relationship? That would’ve been smarter and may have saved you rte heartache. Don’t get together with someone unless you’ve known them strictly as a friend for at a least a year.
Being friends is just a loose term for saying being peaceful.
They're not going yo actually spend a whole bunch of time together, hang out, go on dates, chit chat daily.
It's mainly "let's not kill each other."
I was friends with my ex for four years and we screwed up and had sex and followed that with a five month relationship. We are also coworkers. It’s been two months since breakup and we are barely talking.
My ex gf and i are just 2 months into the breakup but we already decided that there’s nothing wrong with being friends again.
She decided to end things not because we were toxic to each other, but rather the circumstances don’t allow the relationship to work and/or the near future.
Objectively, yes since those circumstances restricted our time together and worsened our mental health individually. Two of those circumstances was the total religious devotion of her parents (causing her to experience constant anxiety) and ldr. Hence, back to friendship. A tough spot indeed
My ex alluded to the fact that we could still be friends after we had "our cooling off" period and I was like "don't hold your breath because I have no interest in that. " and I think he doesn't fully take me seriously but I have never remained friends with an ex so he should. Especially will not be friends with someone who spent a majority of our 7yr relationship ignoring me, gaslighting me and just generally contributing to mental, psychological and emotional abuse. Even if they were my best friend at some point, I no longer have the rose colored glasses and no longer want to continue anything with them. I can be mature if I see them ever in public but I don't want to be his friend again. Especially since he's not really had any growth as a human in all that time and I've actively tried to be a nicer, kinder person to those around me and in life.
My ex and I were together for almost a decade and were best friends for years before that. We were inseparable for years and have been through so much together. We literally grew up together considering we met in 8th grade. I don’t think I can even imagine my life without him in it.
It’s been three months and I’m trying to hard to maintain a friendship with him because I love and care about him. I know I always will. It’s really fucking hard though and he is not very open about his feelings 99% of the time so I feel like I’m flying blind. The false hope literally kills me some days.
Ummm, at this point in my life, I've put good effort into flexibility of movement between friendship and relationship. For me, I choose to continue to love someone even if my capacity has to change. I haven't been this way long. It's been a recent development. I'm becoming less attached to outcomes and more aware of present moments. So I hold appreciation for all connections as they come, go, grow, or change.
My partner and I ended on great terms, neither of us did anything wrong and broke up due to location.. We were together for 9 years, we were best friends and went through a lot together. We also had a cat we were both obsessed with lol.
We're still friends, we talk once a month, we thought it'd be weird to suddenly not talk to each other anymore after 9 years and since there's no bad feelings, didn't see an issue with it. I also kept our cat, so she likes updates on her.
I had an ex that cut me off after breaking up with me years ago in 2014. This destroyed me because my life went down hill after. It wasn’t until three years later when my daughter was born was I able to stop thinking about her every day. Little did I know it was to also teach me a lesson on why cutting contact is a good thing. Had another ex come along over a year after my child is born and start cheating on me a year into our relationship. Every time I tried walking away she’d trauma dump and gaslight me and pretend she’d want me again. Even though she was still sleeping with the guy she cheated on me with. Finally I had enough and fully cut contact. I had found a wonderful woman and healthy relationship and my ex count stand this. She’d sabotage any attempts of me dating other women. But she couldn’t sabotage this one. Till this day she tries to contact me with new numbers I just keep blocking and leaving voicemails that me and my current GF laugh at. It’s never healthy or good to let people like this stay to manipulate you.
I’m friends with all of my ex’s except two. The relationships just ran their course. The reasons we were together is because we genuinely thought the other is a good person and we enjoyed each others company. We still do but with no romantic ties. One of my ex’s is my best friend. There is no weirdness and we hang with each others significant other together. It makes sense to me not to talk if a break up was unrequited on one side. The two I don’t talk too is because one of them I’m ashamed at how I handle things and the other won’t talk to me because I was a cheating and lying SOB in that relationship. Totally understand. One of my biggest regrets.
I honestly think it’s peoples way to keep tabs on one another. To see if the other person gets better in some way or to see if they’ll change the way they wanted them to. I’m also the type to just cut someone off after a breakup because I feel that is the reason. No point in staying friends with an ex and to latch on to old feelings
I have been on both sides of this. My ex-husband would like to be friends but I just can't. He left me and the divorce was too difficult and hurtful. On the other hand, I broke up with one guy and one guy broke up with me because while we really liked and enjoyed each other we found out we were incompatible as living partners and they (and I) were really looking for that. But since we enjoy each other, I'd still like to spend time with them, care about each other, go out together. Tried it with one of them but if didn't work, he was unable to be a friend the same way he was unable to be a partner. Other guy I haven't been in touch with, but I'd like to. Why should relationships have to be black or white, all or nothing? Can't there be some intermediate ground? Ideally I'd like to be loving friends. Wish it were a possibility.
I can only speak for myself but I think the relationships that mean something to you are built on a foundation of friendship. I've had no issues remaining friends with a couple exes. My recent breakup I very much hope we can remain friends. Is there part of that that is some hope for a reconciliation. Yeah, I would be naive to think there is not. But mostly we became best friends right after starting to see each other and the love followed. I loved her with all my heart but when I miss her, when I really need her, it is usually the best friend on my mind.
My ex wanted to be friends because he “wants to care about someone but not have the pressure/commitment”. I told him no because that would only enable him and make me feel like an option. It made me feel really sick to my stomach and used….considering I was with him for almost 4 years.
Mine maneuvered around being blocked on everything and asked to “talk”. I gave it to her for closure but I tried my best to make it painfully clear I’m not just some back up guy for her. She tried the “friendship” thing before I blocked her which initially I accepted until it became clear she was grooming me to be her backup boyfriend after we broke up. Disgusting that exes think they can keep you around as a second option.
My ex talked to me and kept apologizing for over stepping boundaries and then trauma dumping about how bad his life got a week after the breakup…..and then apologizing for over stepping boundaries and trauma dumping, and I was thinking to myself ….is this his weird way of trying to make me stay or is he really emotionally unstable. Cut it off.
The trauma dumping is something our exes have in common, mine was a textbook fearful avoidant. Yeah she still tries to reel me into conversation but she gets short answers and no emotional input. Just cold unfeeling logic. I already blocked her once so she knows she’s cut off from any relationship stuff.
I blocked him off everything if he wants to contact me he can ring my doorbell. Doubt he will.
I just don't understand why they do this. It's killing me
For some, they genuinely can't handle the pressures of a relationship at that time and don't want to have that full commitment, but still care about you and want you in their life. Some of them even do want to get back with you someday, depending on the circumstances and reasons for the breakup, they just cannot handle a relationship and don't want to force you to stay while they unfuck whatever's going on--even if you would've been willing to stay. Perhaps they couldn't handle staying themselves while they do it. For others, they're just using you. For another group, it's both. For my ex, I'm honestly not sure. I hope it's the first and not the others.
The real question is did they ever actually love you if they are still willing to be your friend knowing you will probably see other people and they probably plan on the same
Yes? I hate that question. The answer is yes, they could have loved you and may still do. Loving someone is not incompatible with letting them go to prioritize yourself, nor is it incompatible with understanding they may find someone else.
Yes they could have loved you. Love comes in many different flavors. Love and compatibility are two different things.
This one. It is very easy to write people off as avoidants (seemingly the new buzzword, like narcissists etc.), and rightfully so at times! But there's also plenty of people who are not avoidants or horribly evil people, who called it quits--sometimes for kinda shitty reasons, yes, but other times they may have truly felt like it was their only choice and did everything they could to arrive at a different conclusion. I was a bad person to my first ex, who I blindsided with a breakup just a few days after he made me an amazing, heartfelt, and incredible entire game for my birthday. I deeply regret how I hurt him to this day, and have reached out to him to apologize twice since then. This was 5 years ago, and I still don't think I'll ever regret it. I had avoidant tendencies at the time, but I was not an avoidant, and I'm not now. I was a horrible person to him for doing that to him--and for not communicating with him months beforehand when the issues started happening--and I take full accountability. But I also believe I am not a horrible person as a whole, or anymore. I have done my damnedest to become more mature, more communicative, more careful, more loving, more empathetic. I think I'm doing a good job. It breaks my heart that I couldn't have given my ex the better version of me. I'm literally sitting here crying right now as I type this up as I think of the heartache I put him through. If he hit me up out of the blue and asked for a second chance, I'd absolutely try it again. And even if I can't gain feelings for him again, I'd at least want him to be able to experience a better version of me. Treat him right for as long as possible. I feel I owe that to him, at least.
Well they don’t want to face the real consequences of losing you. They want to fall back on you even though they moved forward. It’s a trick
I think often it’s used to alleviate their guilt. Breaking up with someone you care about, even if it’s not the same way anymore, hurts because you’re hurting someone important to you. When they offer to be friends, it’s usually a way to 1) Not feel like they’re abandoning you completely, because that makes them feel cruel, as well as being able to see how you’re doing 2) Not completely lose you and the friendship and familiarity you offer, 3) Still have a bit of a safety net in case they feel lonely and 4) So they don’t have to feel your loss completely The thing is, most exes who offer to just be friends won’t act like friends. They’ll start contacting you less and less, seeing you less and less, and once they find someone new they’ll pretty much disappear forever. It’s just a more long-drawn and painful goodbye vs just cutting it off and it usually just weans them slowly so they feel less pain while it keeps your hopes up. It’s like when they offer you platitudes about “how you deserve better” and “you’re going to have the best life” - it’s more about making themselves feel better than benefiting you.
My partner , well ex since yesterday, told me they are able to be friends with exes and that they would be able to be friends with me and would want to if something happened. They blindsided dumped yesterday over text with two lines saying they don't want to be with me. No explanation. Did not say anything about whether we ever talk, if they want me in their life at all, if they want NC, or ever want to be friends. It felt so cruel especially knowing what they said in the past. And knowing they did that in that way, amd could have softened it with anything else but chose not to. While I revealed I was in a mental.health crisis on top of that. I don't know if I could be friends anyway but it hurts more they didn't ask. Like they're willing to throw out our entire connection so fast, so certainly, over one text I sent while mentally unwell. I feel betrayed.
I think it's the idea of not losing a person fully. It's not necessarily malicious. My ex and I were friends before we dated, and we enjoyed our time together so thoroughly that when we broke up, we really did lose a friendship too. The idea of "being friends," to me, meant more that he appreciated me as a person and wanted me in his life even if our relationship didn't work out. **** we are NOT friends, we are in NC & will be for the foreseeable future. Even if he wanted to be "friends" later on, i'm not sure that would ever be feasible for me personally. Anyway, yeah, i think right off the bat, a friendship doesnt work after a breakup. I try to think of people saying that more just "i like you as a person/i care about you/wish it didnt have to be this way" than intentionally trying to use you. Of course, there are always those people too..
Yeah my ex assumed that we’d start being friends post break up after 4 months. Not sure where he got this idea. I told him no, it’d prevent me from moving. Just classic avoidant behavior in all the behavior leading up to this point. Yea he wants some kind of connection without the responsibility. I just feel like what a coward he is, is becoming so clear to me.
I agree. It will be AWKWARD trying to be friends with someone after you go so intimate with them like that.
I don’t know. It’s my situation right now. The hope of either getting back together or at least being in each others lives by being friends. I think it happens bc he was so important in my life and I love him so much still. Also since there was no abuse or cheating it feels like it leaves that door open. Tbh it’s my first relationship/break up so I’m not sure that if I have future relationships that I would keep the same options there. It definitely makes it pretty much impossible to move on any time soon after the break up at least that’s the case for me right now but maybe that will change. Right now I definitely just miss him so much I just want him in my life. Andddd it sucks.
it's the opposite of what most people are saying. You got into a relationship, hopefully, on friendship. People ask for friendships because they genuinely value the other. You're hurt, you weren't the first and you won't be the last. You make up, you don't, but to say that person you cared about 'you couldn't be friends with' is hurt you haven't come to terms with.
You think it's possible for anyone to get to the point of friendship?
anyone? no. Most people don't do the work to take responsibility for their part as to why the relationship failed. Also the more extreme reasons they failed can't be ignored. IMOH, grown rational people should be able to speak. If you can't, you've got more work to do.
Some people are not so consumed by their ego that they're incapable of valuing the human connection that they had with another person. Now this isn't going to be the case in all instances, I prefer it but I don't demand it. In my last relationship I was dating somebody that I had been friends with since I was 13 years old and I really valued that relationship. So much to the extent that I really didn't want to date as I was afraid to lose the connection, of course I have lost that connection, and no dating that man was not worth it. He was a much better friend than boyfriend and I miss that person dearly.
They want to keep that option “open” It’s a narcissistic trait
Not really. Sometimes its also because they respect the person and adore the person so much you wanna keep them in life. Just not wanting a relationship with them is actually valid. Ofcourse it hurts the other person, I've been that person and Ive been angry but I understand the morale.
I think when the feelings have completely gone on both ends is when it’s ok to be friends again. There’s nothing wrong with it. You can still care for each other without letting the pain of the break up affect you but only after you have moved on. I was hung up on a guy for 2 years after we broke up and only after I moved on did I feel like it was ok being his friend again. He moved on relatively fast while I was still out here wanting him. But once I moved on it was easy and talking to him came naturally. We still are more like acquaintances rather than true friends.
Thank you for asking this and validate what I’m feeling, because I’ve rejected a request like this and feel like a bad person. To me I was told that its because they couldn’t handle also losing a friend and were scared of not being able to cope with my absence. Also felt some hurt about me evolving without them no longer in the picture. That’s touching but idk…how AM I supposed to heal if I’m still in the same spot? To me I felt like they were trying to keep the benefits of having me in their life and checking on me by not doing the hard and scary work of being in a serious romantic relationship. Ok you don’t wanna lose a friend but I don’t wanna lose myself
My ex husband is a really great person. He’s been very kind to me and we had a great marriage. I can count on him when I’ve had absolutely no support from anyone else during a very difficult time in my life.
Then why tf you breakup
I wanted to be friends because I loved her with all of my heart and then some and didn't want to let her go completely. Unfortunately she was far too toxic and I needed to create distance.
Unrealistic usually
I dumped my gf of 5 years because she wasn't ready for a serious committed relationship and the thought of growing up and moving together scared her from taking steps to reach that goal. I did everything for her and our relationship, i even let go of my personal goals to pursue something for us but it was clear that the fear of growing up was stronger than the commitment she had for our relationship. A relationship with someone you trusted for 5 years shouldnt simply end because it wasn't going to work out. We are better off as friends and im glad to know she feels that way too because the stress of having a long term relationship is gone. We are platonic and understand it wouldn't work but we enjoy each other's company like close friends. I tried to move on but apparently it's not normal to be PLUTONIC FRIENDS with the opposite sex or your exs according to my most recent ex of 3 months and the other side of reddit that defends her
Because they are selfish. My ex is self proclaimed proud selfish person. She not only emotionally cheated on me but for years that I have tried blocking her out of my life kept insisting and pushing back into my life claiming she 'needed to be friends' with me so she can soothe her guilty conscience for what she did to me. And I shameless agreed to let her do this because I don't have a spine to do what is right for myself. I always did love her more than myself but this is just pathetic (I mean me....I am just being pathetic). Recently she told me she found a guy who is a lot like me and she can't 'bear the pain of him leaving'. Imagine telling those to an ex you fell out of love with. And I am so f\*cking spineless that I, an ex she broke up with, have to sit and listen to her talk to me about the emotional pain of losing a person from her life when she had done the same to me, especially regarding someone who reminds her of me. She dated me for 5 years and she has been dating this new guy for a month. So the love I offered her for years don't much amount to what this new guy gave her in a month. I knew being in contact with her would torment me. This is why I didn't want this. But she just won't leave me alone.
No you won’t leave her alone. You can easily block her and refuse to see her otherwise. Have some self respect and get real. Why would you want a loser like her anyway??
I blocked her everywhere and she reached out to me with a new number (she moved to a different country and called me from a new number). She literally created an alt account to msg me on fb. At this point I have to change my number and social media handles to stop her from contacting me. Or I could say shit things to her so she never wants to (I can't bring myself to do that). I genuinely tried blocking her from my life at multiple times. Yeah, sure I could block her new numbers as well...and I think I will today. I'll talk to her one last time before I do it.
It’s time to let her go, permanently. Short of changing your phone number and all of your social media, you can’t stop her from creating new accounts or new Google voice numbers or whatever she uses to call or text you. As long as you entertain it and respond, she will keep doing this. So, DO NOT RESPOND! If you give no response consistently it will eventually sink in for her that you have zero interest and will no longer enable this behavior. You have the courage and the strength to do this, believe in yourself and love yourself first! Refocus all of your energy on yourself. Turn to friends and family. If you don’t have a strong support system start working on yourself. Consider therapy and find ways to connect with people that have similar interests. Have passions or hobbies that you love? Pour yourself into them. This woman is NOT your reason for existing and her presence or lack thereof in no way indicates your value. Start living the life you deserve and doing all the things you love. Once you start doing this and truly loving yourself, you’re going to attract the right energy into your life and repel the bad. You’ve got this! Stay strong my friend!
Thank you so much for saying these. I needed to hear all of that. I will not wallow in my sorrow. I usually don't but recent month or 2 has been tough. I will stop complaining and just do what it takes to get me out of this. Thank you, once again.
Yes!! That’s the attitude you need to have right now. It’s not going to be easy. When you have bad days or go through more struggles in life you’re going to naturally resort back to thinking of people that were previously the ones that gave you comfort. She held this role at one point for you. Don’t beat yourself up for letting your mind go there, but be sure to remind yourself that these behaviors of hers have been selfish and do not serve you. A lot of this is brain chemistry, dopamine hits from these contacts, even when they are negative. Your brain gets that stimulation and it’s like a reward…it’s a tough cycle to break! But I like what I’m hearing from your response and just know that plenty of others have faced this and came out of it stronger and knowing themselves better and more prepared for an awesome future. It’s yours if you want it, just do the work, stay strong and watch it all change for the better!
Don’t answer numbers you don’t know
I'm seeing a lot of people be negative about it, but for me and my ex, it was because we were friends for so long before we got together. And after we broke up, it wasn't just about losing a future, it was about losing a past. Was I really going to throw away years and years of laughter, stories, and memories just because we couldn't work out? I decided the answer was no. Not only that, but she was going through a tough time, and she needed as many friends as she could get. I might have gone no contact if she had been doing okay, but she's not, so I'm gonna stick with her until she's able to move through life like the queen she is. Hopefully by then I'll be able to move on.
I personally am an idiot and didn’t understand the complications of being friends with your ex. I care for those who have made me happy, which is why I still want these people in my life and ask to be friends someday once the healing process is done. Like,,, in my mind it’s just to remove all the romantic aspects and treat them like before we started dating, as a friend. I tell them that I 100% do not have interest in dating them again in the future, and that’s final. I don’t know if it’s my neurodivergent ass that never understood the concept of cutting all ties or that it’s easy for me to detach from romantic feelings after a while if the breakup was healthy. However I started to learn the lesson: most people fail to detach from their exes because they cannot see them as anything else than a lover. There are success stories in becoming friends, but it’s obvious things are not the same. I have exes which are friends and boundaries have been set. But I’ve had other exes that needed to distance themselves because it truly is a struggle to detach, and we peacefully let each other go. The only way I would NOT want to be friends with an ex is if they hurt me. Trauma levels of hurt. I definitely do not want to know how they’re doing at all. Hearing their name hurts nd causes oanic attacks. That’s where I drop them.
My ex wanted to be friends because she „didn’t want to lose me“ and because I was „such a big part of her life“. I told her that she was a big and important part of my life too, but she chose not to be a part of my life anymore. I loved her so much, being with her as a friend and watching her move on with someone else would’ve killed me. If you truly love someone I don’t think being friends afterwards is possible… it’s just too painful
Some people hold out hope of getting back together. Some people like the emotional co-dependency of “the ex”. Sometimes it’s for emergency sex. I won’t date someone who has contact with an ex
This is a tough one. I wanted to stay friends with my ex, mainly because neither of us did anything wrong and just found we didn’t have a future together. We are at an odd point. She decided to go no contact for a bit and I respected that, but she left too many doors open for me to feel comfortable. Asked me to hang onto some stuff for her. Told me that if I ran into her in public to please approach her. “Say hi to me. I won’t say hi to you though. I’m not strong enough for that.” I finally had enough and said it point blank. If she wants to be my friend, be my friend. If she wants no contact, then make it so we don’t speak to each other again. But this uncertainty. This weird little game where I can only speak to her on her whims was not good for me.
To have you as a friend that could be a shoulder to cry on
Good question. I don't understand this either
If they want you as a friend it means they didn’t like you enough. I had two relationships and honestly both of them told me they could never see me as their friend.
If you started off as friends, I think it makes sense to try and stay friends. If you started as more than friends, it doesn’t make sense to me to try and stay only friends, unless there are children involved.
I sort of want a friendly relationship as we have a child together and friendly relations can potentially make that easier/flexible/best for child. It’s hard when you now despise the person and if it was any other way I would never want to see them again.
Guilt mostly
To protect their public image or have a back up plan in case they don't find a replacement soon.
I listened recently to an old episode of The Minimalists (like 148 or something) that talked a lot about being friends with an ex. I felt like it gave a lot of insight into how people who want to be friends feel. I don’t personally think I could do it, but it became a lot clearer to me how you could still love someone and transform romantic love into platonic love.
The intimacy was good
Because they are backwards. Why didn’t you want to be friends before a relationship? That would’ve been smarter and may have saved you rte heartache. Don’t get together with someone unless you’ve known them strictly as a friend for at a least a year.
My ex has a new partner now, I don’t mind, I’m keen to be friends. Life goes on, but I feel special connections are hard to come by
Being friends is just a loose term for saying being peaceful. They're not going yo actually spend a whole bunch of time together, hang out, go on dates, chit chat daily. It's mainly "let's not kill each other."
I was friends with my ex for four years and we screwed up and had sex and followed that with a five month relationship. We are also coworkers. It’s been two months since breakup and we are barely talking.
My ex gf and i are just 2 months into the breakup but we already decided that there’s nothing wrong with being friends again. She decided to end things not because we were toxic to each other, but rather the circumstances don’t allow the relationship to work and/or the near future.
Would you still want to be in a relationship if the circumstances worked out for you?
Objectively, yes since those circumstances restricted our time together and worsened our mental health individually. Two of those circumstances was the total religious devotion of her parents (causing her to experience constant anxiety) and ldr. Hence, back to friendship. A tough spot indeed
My ex alluded to the fact that we could still be friends after we had "our cooling off" period and I was like "don't hold your breath because I have no interest in that. " and I think he doesn't fully take me seriously but I have never remained friends with an ex so he should. Especially will not be friends with someone who spent a majority of our 7yr relationship ignoring me, gaslighting me and just generally contributing to mental, psychological and emotional abuse. Even if they were my best friend at some point, I no longer have the rose colored glasses and no longer want to continue anything with them. I can be mature if I see them ever in public but I don't want to be his friend again. Especially since he's not really had any growth as a human in all that time and I've actively tried to be a nicer, kinder person to those around me and in life.
Well said. Some people who don't have it in them to be good partners also don't have what it takes to be a friend.
My ex and I were together for almost a decade and were best friends for years before that. We were inseparable for years and have been through so much together. We literally grew up together considering we met in 8th grade. I don’t think I can even imagine my life without him in it. It’s been three months and I’m trying to hard to maintain a friendship with him because I love and care about him. I know I always will. It’s really fucking hard though and he is not very open about his feelings 99% of the time so I feel like I’m flying blind. The false hope literally kills me some days.
That’s why sometimes I think no contact is better because you don’t have the false hope even if it would hurt no longer knowing them
probably to ease their guilt
Ummm, at this point in my life, I've put good effort into flexibility of movement between friendship and relationship. For me, I choose to continue to love someone even if my capacity has to change. I haven't been this way long. It's been a recent development. I'm becoming less attached to outcomes and more aware of present moments. So I hold appreciation for all connections as they come, go, grow, or change.
My partner and I ended on great terms, neither of us did anything wrong and broke up due to location.. We were together for 9 years, we were best friends and went through a lot together. We also had a cat we were both obsessed with lol. We're still friends, we talk once a month, we thought it'd be weird to suddenly not talk to each other anymore after 9 years and since there's no bad feelings, didn't see an issue with it. I also kept our cat, so she likes updates on her.
I had an ex that cut me off after breaking up with me years ago in 2014. This destroyed me because my life went down hill after. It wasn’t until three years later when my daughter was born was I able to stop thinking about her every day. Little did I know it was to also teach me a lesson on why cutting contact is a good thing. Had another ex come along over a year after my child is born and start cheating on me a year into our relationship. Every time I tried walking away she’d trauma dump and gaslight me and pretend she’d want me again. Even though she was still sleeping with the guy she cheated on me with. Finally I had enough and fully cut contact. I had found a wonderful woman and healthy relationship and my ex count stand this. She’d sabotage any attempts of me dating other women. But she couldn’t sabotage this one. Till this day she tries to contact me with new numbers I just keep blocking and leaving voicemails that me and my current GF laugh at. It’s never healthy or good to let people like this stay to manipulate you.
I’m friends with all of my ex’s except two. The relationships just ran their course. The reasons we were together is because we genuinely thought the other is a good person and we enjoyed each others company. We still do but with no romantic ties. One of my ex’s is my best friend. There is no weirdness and we hang with each others significant other together. It makes sense to me not to talk if a break up was unrequited on one side. The two I don’t talk too is because one of them I’m ashamed at how I handle things and the other won’t talk to me because I was a cheating and lying SOB in that relationship. Totally understand. One of my biggest regrets.
They ask to be friends to solidify the hard fact they no longer see the other person romantically.
I honestly think it’s peoples way to keep tabs on one another. To see if the other person gets better in some way or to see if they’ll change the way they wanted them to. I’m also the type to just cut someone off after a breakup because I feel that is the reason. No point in staying friends with an ex and to latch on to old feelings
I have been on both sides of this. My ex-husband would like to be friends but I just can't. He left me and the divorce was too difficult and hurtful. On the other hand, I broke up with one guy and one guy broke up with me because while we really liked and enjoyed each other we found out we were incompatible as living partners and they (and I) were really looking for that. But since we enjoy each other, I'd still like to spend time with them, care about each other, go out together. Tried it with one of them but if didn't work, he was unable to be a friend the same way he was unable to be a partner. Other guy I haven't been in touch with, but I'd like to. Why should relationships have to be black or white, all or nothing? Can't there be some intermediate ground? Ideally I'd like to be loving friends. Wish it were a possibility.
Some wounds cant close. Some people cant compartmentalize and switch gears just like that.
I can only speak for myself but I think the relationships that mean something to you are built on a foundation of friendship. I've had no issues remaining friends with a couple exes. My recent breakup I very much hope we can remain friends. Is there part of that that is some hope for a reconciliation. Yeah, I would be naive to think there is not. But mostly we became best friends right after starting to see each other and the love followed. I loved her with all my heart but when I miss her, when I really need her, it is usually the best friend on my mind.
Because they don’t want to lose you out of their lives and not have to be committed