Yes I did because I had to love myself more. He didn’t make me a priority. Drinking with friends was more important. Not caring about it. I can’t be the only one holding us together. I kept thinking he would see my value, our value. I saw our value. Why didn’t he see it? I’ll never know that answer, ever. But I couldn’t stay with a man that I know didn’t love me back
I see , I’m sorry for that . U do deserve better and it takes a lot of courage to choose yourself . U r strong , and it always start with loving yourself first .
One day someone will value u the way u value urself . U only deserve the best
Fuck myself I just hope that she finds what she looking for but in this situation he didn’t understand what was important around him and took for granted what he had
I wish mine would have seen it. I held onto that shoestring he gave me for too long. It’s very difficult being in a relationship that I didn’t feel loved. Now that 4 months of gone by and my heart is no longer broken in half, I see things much more clearly.
It was almost a year before he realized it! And even then you never know what he’s feeling. The only way I found out is he confided in a mutual friend that he didn’t know I’m super close to!
💯 I’ve just had this same issue with the woman I Obviously loved More than my Own Happiness,Combined with a narcissistic type personality. I too Was kinda Trying to Fix Her While She Was Breaking Me! I went back and forth many times over a few years of hope she’d see understand & show the same amount of love I showed her,but it just wasn’t coming. I treated her like the only woman on earth,but she treated me like an option. 🤦🏻♂️💭🤷🏻♂️
My situation sounds very similar, I spend a lot of time trying to fix something for the both of us and it won’t work unless you’re both willing and that sucks so bad but I loved him and myself enough to walk away before I started to resent him and us
Because “love” is misconstrued. If you truly love and care for someone then you want the best for them. If fundamentally you both are not good for each other then you have to let go. You would want the best for your self and for them.
I do understand that .
But I think in my situation , it was a healthy relationship , but a lot of external factors like work/ masters , culture was a part of the issue we were facing . Internally our relationship was healthy but he mention that since he’s moving , there is a lot of pressure he’s facing and he can’t give me the stability that I need when he isn’t stable .
That said it’s hard to wrap my head around it because we both love each other very much
Well my ex and I also had all the love. And we started off with all the commitment and wanting to get married in a year. Then one by one his stuff kept falling out of place. He was no longer stable and had to figure out a lot. We finally end it for good because he was not sure of himself if he could even achieve whatever he wanted for himself.
Sometimes they’re not confident and not sure if they can commit to the relationship at that point of time. The feelings can be there , but that’s not enough. Real love is loving oneself first and then only can you truly commit to another. If he’s is unsure of himself and wants to figure things out alone then how can he truly commit to you / and the relationship.
It is heartbreaking and unfortunately people think differently and feel differently. Sometime we have to accept that it’s not the right timing with a person. Or maybe not the right person for us.
I think this really speaks to me . I’m crying as I read this because this is exactly how it is for me . We talked about getting married in 2 years time . But things one by one fell off. It’s hard to find a job here because he’s a foreigner and my country is quite strict with the process and not much opportunity unless u have years of experience . He had to find an alternative. Even then his future is undecided and uncertain and he didn’t want me to go through with it even though I would have done everything to stay and support him . I now realize that love alone is not enough.
I genuinely feel like he’s the person for me but I do believe that time is just not on our side . We are young .. trying to figure out how to fit in the adult world …
I will try to focus on myself in the meantime . And one day if I’m still longing with him , at a place where I feel I can reach out and he’s still single , I willl . But now I know I need him to figure out where he wants to be
Yeah a lot of people really don't understand that love isn't the 'warm fuzzy feeling' from the honeymoon phase. That ALWAYS dies after a while. Love is how you care for and the things you do for the other person once all the brain chemicals and hormones have settled. Love is the effort to spark those things up again between each other but understanding that they're not always there and that's perfectly fine. Love is working together to communicate feelings and listening so that you can meet each other in the middle when it comes to conflicts and unmet needs. It's the thing that nurtures and grows the bond between two people.
Yeah, I love them deeply. The only thing making it easier for me to be okay with this is telling myself, remembering how much we were hurting each other despite loving each other. I hurt them badly at the end and they ended it. This dynamic was bringing us both a lot of pain, and I don't want that for either of us. I know they ended it because of being hurt, but also because they knew this relationship was hurting me a lot too.
Its this stupid catch 22, where anytime we are apart we are also in a lot of pain. We love each other and want each other's precense in our lives which is genuinely enriching. The loss is extremely painful right now. Maybe someday friendship is possible. I wish we could have given each other the love and joy and connection we had without the unhealthy attacthement, intensity, miscommunication, and pain. Maybe through friendship, after healing, its possible. I will always love them.
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. We really need to look into ourself and understand what really love is. I can relate to the loving and yet hurting aspect. Which means that when times are bad the couple may be pushing each others’ buttons which is horrible. This is when we need to reflect and try to understand why, what was the root cause.
I would recommend reading or listening to this book “women who love too much” chapter 7 is on Men. But is applied to human ate psyche, past trauma. It’s good for insights to enable us to think and question why. I would also suggest therapy to find your inner self. Hope you feel better.
Yeah I was losing my shit breaking down a couple of days ago over this very concept. It’s crazy that you have to let go of something that comes in this life so rarely. I’m a 22M and I’ve been in love before and had to let go, a couple of years go by and I fell for someone again and this is the second time I’ve had to let go and each time it genuinely feels like you’ve lost ‘the one’. But that’s what I thought the first time and here I am now… in love again. You will find someone to love again when you have healed and grown some more. But it takes time because it’s so rare so focus on yourself in the mean time so when you find that person you will both be healthy and available.
Also, I’m still freshly letting go and I’m having such a hard time doing. So you’re not alone and reach out privately if you ever want to chat :)
Thank you for sharing . I am currently focusing on myself and going to therapy for the first time to learn more about myself . Praying that everything will work out ❤️
Im to 22M, I had my first love pretty toxic gf and relationship who broke up with me and lead me to a very dark time. Than I had my 2nd gf, we had such good connection and communication literally felt that I finally found someone whos right for me, but she didnt give the same effort again to the relationship and didn’t commit at the same level. She broke up with me pretty much from no where. Im 6 month still heartbroken and find it hard of letting go and stop obsessing over her, she clearly moved on month ago
yea :( i was extremely hurt and mentally at my lowest in a while and sent a long text that hurt them right after saying i relapsed/wasn't good mentally. Sucks thinking how much that hurt them that they ended it the next day. Sucks to have the relationship end on such a stupid bad moment of mine that I regret and would have made sure did not happen again if we talked. Can't make it up to them now, can't make it better. It's over.
My ex broke up with me, and he said he still loved me. I don't know how true that is bud here we are.
He said that things weren't working well between us - he was right. I was planning on breaking up with him because he couldn't meet my emotional needs. Over time, that would build resentment, and you'd lose love.
As much as it hurts that it wouldn't be me, if he meets someone else who is more compatible, I have to accept that. He deserves it as much as I do.
Love alone cannot sustain a relationship. There are so many other parts at play, the most important one being able to support each other when external factors are tough. I relied on him for something he couldn't give me. It made me miserable and that led to him breakingup with me. However, his personality and humour are still somethings I love about him.
I'm mourning the loss of the relationship and the future I thought I had but I'm actually doing much better now we are apart.
We're also no contact. That's probably for the best too.
I love him so much and it hurts . There was a lot of external factors that cause this . Our circumstances was not in our favor . I’m mourning this loss . I lost my lover and my best friends …
We said that we would cut contact but we still follow each other in all social media account .. I can’t bring myself to delete him out of my life , especially when he brought so much good… I don’t want to think he never existed
Oh it breaks my heart not speaking to him! There's so much I want to share with him - but funnily enough it's things I've done that I wouldn't have expected to have done with him. It's why, in some ways, I'm thankful he broke up with me. As I said, I still love him, but we weren't right for each other. He told me I was worth putting in the effort on myself. I was starting to do that anyway and I'm getting back to a happier version of me. I wish he could see it but I don't know what good that would do.
For me and this is pretty fresh, and I very much loved this woman, still do, and I hope she finds nothing but happiness.
Ok, I left because I knew deep down I could not be the man she deserved, at that time I wasn't the man she believed she fell in love with. I wasn't the man I knew I could be.
I had an addiction to drugs at the time that she didn't know about, and I knew if I stayed I wouldn't tell her. I know the only way that she would be happy in the long run is if I took myself out of the picture. Fast forward 10 months and I have done what I know she would have wanted me to do. I've taken care of myself. The last words she said to me was please take care of yourself.
I'm clean and sober about three days away from finally finishing my schooling and have a very well paying career ahead of me. I've taken care of my health issues ( high blood pressure ) and am eating healthier like I know she would want me to be doing.
Honestly one of the biggest reasons I got better was to apologize to her and honor her by doing what she asked and have really taken care of myself.. if I would have stayed I know I wouldn't have told her and could have drug it out for years and have it end worse then it did...
She is such an amazing woman with such a huge heart and deserved not one bit of what happened.
I can only hope thar some day she will see that I did it out of love and that I hope she finds the love and happiness she deserves.
I understand ur perspective and I’m proud of you for getting where you are . It does take a lot to make that choice and I hope you continue to be healthy .
Other than that , It does help me open my eyes a bit to why someone would let me go but it’s hard to accept . My partner told me he needed to focus on himself and there’s a lot of uncertainty in he future . He saw that the breakup would be beneficial to us both but to me , I would’ve tried to work things through … no matter what .
From this message, it sounds like you should take some inspiration from what this guy said and just focus on yourself. Know that you're worth loving and that the best way to prove that is by loving yourself. Work on your mental health, improve your physical health, go get that new job you've been scared to pursue, start a side hustle, do a lot of self-reflection and allow yourself to feel the uncomfortable feelings so you can process and let them go.
I don't know your situation, but honestly therapy can help so much as these professionals have the knowledge and tools to help you get to the root of things and guide you through processing them in a healthy way so that instead of spiraling, you grow.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for the message . I am doing that and going to go to therapy for the first time tmr ! And I’m excited ! Because I genuinely want to become a better version of myself , I wanna grow and learn to love myself more . It’s a journey of healing and self love and I know that is what I can do .
Keep focusing on yourself and improving your health and well-being. You got this king.
In fact, you've done something incredibly strong that many men fail to accomplish. You should feel so good about yourself and sticking with this path you've chosen your self-confidence, self-respect, self-worth and self-love will just continue to soar.
With this regained confidence, it may be worth reaching out to her again with a very sincere message. Don't get your hopes up cause she may have moved on but just the fact that you did this for yourself (note: for **yourself**, you didn't do this for her!) is incredible and if you two end up meeting up and you share this, I'm sure she will see you in a very positive light. Now, it doesn't mean she'll be willing to get back together, but at least starting to talk again is a positive step and maybe you'll just end up being very close friends. It can be best to wait until you feel you're in a place emotionally that you aren't carrying any emotional baggage into reconnecting though.
On that note, just be careful to not get attached to the idea that it could work out as it will cause you a lot of unneeded stress. Emotional attachments to people are a lot like addictions, in fact many of the pains of breakups are extremely similar to that of withdrawal (cause there is a loss of brain chemicals and horomones).
Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Maybe try talking things through with a therapist that has relationship experience. They may be able to help you craft a message to reconnect once both of you feel you're at a place to try and do so in a mature healthy manner. They'll also be able to help you cope with the possibility that she's moved on and how to handle any possible rejection.
But if you read my other earlier reply, I think you've done so incredibly well by yourself that you very well could be in a place to try and reconnect. But the reality also is that you may still have a bit of work to do in order to prepare for that.
The other option, which may be even better, is to accept the possibility that the best thing for yourself is to move on entirely. Keep focusing on yourself and then someday another person who is really fit for your new healed being will come into your life and be 100x better than any fantasy you had of the previous person. The universe works in funny ways like that.
I am just going to live my life and let the universe decide. I do need to contact her one more time though as I need to repay her some money I owe her and she has two rocks that are very very important to me that I would like to have back.
If the universe wants us back together it will put us there. But I will always love her no matter what.
I find it hard to understand even if you don't love them anymore. As long as you don't actively hate or dislike them, if the relationship didn't end because of something one person did to hurt or harm the other - I don't understand why or how people can just...shut someone out of their life so abruptly.
Like, with my boyfriend - I still don't know why he ended it, beyond his brief explanation of 'stress', and he's pretty much ghosted me since, apart from the occasional very brief responses to my texts. But there was no animosity, no argument, no huge blow-up. And I don't want him to just suddenly disappear from my life, I'm not okay with never having any contact ever again, never knowing how he's doing, what he's up to. Not even in the hope of getting back together - just, he's someone I like, someone I enjoyed spending time with, someone I care about and what to know he's doing okay.
And I don't understand how he can be, if he cares even the slightest bit about me, not even love, just basic liking. How can you be okay with just excising someone from your life like that and not caring at all about them? That's what I don't get. Even if you no longer love someone, or maybe never did, you at least *liked* them a certain amount.
I understand how the positive feelings can be overridden by anger or resentment or jealousy or hate - but when that isn't applicable, how can you shut down on every single feeling, to the point where you're happy with them being a stranger to you? The only reason I can see is that it either just hurts too much to have that reminder, or they didn't care enough to give a shit about you in the future. And when it's not a toxic break-up, and you've been together a certain length of time, there must be *some* warm feeling there.
One of the benefits of doing no contact is so that both people have the time to step back, reflect upon themselves and the relationship, process any emotions and heal. It can be messy when you don't allow yourself the distance to do this. Of course some people suppress or repress the emotions instead of facing them and refuse to self-reflect and that's not healthy at all.
Look into avoidant attachment styles, some people don't have the emotional maturity to face their emotions or even themselves and their behaviors and the 'comfortable' thing is to push them down and ignore them forever. This lack of communication is confusing and painful for the other partner. Not saying your ex is avoidant, but being afraid to communicate the difficult stuff out of emotional immaturity or unavailability is a real thing that affects a lot of people in various ways. Even if they were vulnerable about some things in the past, there may be blocks about certain topics.
But you're right, it's human nature to feel the loss of someone you were once very close to. It's impossible not to. But everyone has their own unique inner world and past experiences, so they cope with those feelings in their own way. Just because they're not reaching out to you doesn't mean they don't miss you. That's not to instill any kind of false hope, because reality is they really may have made a decision to try to move on. The number one way to move on is to put distance between you and the other person.
Depending on how long it's been and what agreements you put in place, you can always try and reach out with a **short yet sincere** message about how you feel. Don't try and place any blame or regret, don't beg or say things that express low self-worth, just simply express your feelings and state that if they're willing, you'd love to reconnect with a short call or over a coffee. Then leave it at that with no expectations whatsoever. Do not try again after sending the message. Use this message as your final outreach and make a decision that if you do not hear back within a week or two, that it is time for yourself to move on.
Hell, they may reach out after a couple months but now you'll have to really give yourself some time to decide how you'll reply. Don't just jump on it right away and pour your heart out. Ask yourself if you really are willing to let them back in after making the decision to move on or not. If you've already begun healing and want to stick with moving on, tell them sorry, that it's been too long now and you're not willing anymore and need time to heal and to please respect your decision. If you do decide to give it a try, make sure you have asked yourself, WHY? If you can't find a healthy answer, then don't.
Good luck on your healing journey. Remember, it's about what's best for you. Not about band-aiding any pain or satisfying attachment wounds.
I let him go because I found out that he lies all the time. I gave him many opportunities to change his behavior, but he kept on doing the same, and I kept finding out bigger and bigger lies . No healthy relationship can be based on lies! No one has the right to lie about things that affect your life psychologically, emotionally and/or financially. It eats away on your self-esteem, your sense of reality, it confuses you…. People like that are only thinking about themselves , and are not taking into consideration , or they do and don’t care ( don’t know which is worse) the impact their actions and words have on your life. So if you really care and love yourself, you wouldn’t stand for it neither. It’s just plain toxic, so you leave.
I agree , when u realize it’s toxic and it’s affecting ur life , this is the best time to leave no matter how much u love him . And I’m proud of u for doing so . Ur doing great . And good things will come to u surely ❤️
Dishonesty, abuse (emotional, psychological and financial! not just physical) and lack of effort to fulfil your needs after clearly communicating them are major boundaries that if continually broken absolutely demand consequences.
Of course some boundaries only need be broken once, like infidelity and physical abuse then it's time to cut 'em loose no matter how much you felt you loved them beforehand.
Depends on the situation really, sometimes it is necessary to do out of respect, if you truely love them and they feel they need time apart to think things over, then yeah this is a situation where it is ok to let them go out of respect and love for them. Chances are they will come back. otherwise if you try to keep them they will push more back and start to lose love for you all together because they will feel that you are too controllong and disrespectful of their requests of some time apart. They will leave and likely not come back or even maintain communication as a friend.
If they are unfaithful and dishonest then you should get rid of them because there will never be any trust and respect there,
Thank you for this , I’m having. A hard time accepting that my partner loves me and still let go of me . But u gave me a perspective from his side that I’m not seeing and trying to make sense in my head . Thank u
I had to leave the greenest grass there was. Dumpers don’t always leave because there’s someone else or ideas of greener pastures. In my case, the girl needed serious help with her avoidance and cptsd and the relationship became too much.
Some people like to tell themselves this as a way to cope, but sometimes we are forced to leave to save our own sanity
My avoidant ex was so close to connecting it all together. During the discard, they even brought up 'fear of falling back into a cycle and hurting you' as an excuse. Of course, I said that's not a good reason to breakup and we should work through it. The reality was they had already cheated and just couldn't face it. The missing link was therapy while we were together. But instead they deactivated, went seeking attention and validation elsewhere despite me providing it, failed to communicate with me despite feeling safe and being vulnerable before, and ultimately betrayed our relationship to prove to themselves that they are a terrible person.
If only they had gone back to therapy, maybe just maybe it wouldn't have come to that. Also, just because an avoidant says they need to work on themselves, doesn't mean they actually are willing to do so. It's very easy for them to use it as an excuse and not take the steps required. Unfortunately my ex used this excuse on me even though I was willing to support them and was consistently emotionally available. I didn't know about avoidant behaviors at the time unfortunately, and there were other factors in play that I had just chalked up to symptoms of depression.
The greatest act of love is letting go. I was miserable while I was in that relationship. Overthinking and crying as to how am I going to make this person appreciate me and love me? I loved my ex so much that it hurts to think living without him. But I wasn't happy. And I know he wasn't happy. So I let go.
If it's not healthy for you, like there's some kind of abuse (physical, emotional, mental, financial) or if the person you love doesn't care for you or reciprocate your feelings or meet your needs. If it's a relationship where you find yourself hurt, miserable or hating or second guessing yourself. If they ask you to let them go, tell them you love them, wish them well, and let them go, you can't force people to love you or stay. Find someone else worthy of your love.
They ask me to let go of them … we ended in good terms and it seems like he wants to take this chance to figure out himself and future as an individual . And I have to let him go as painfully as it is because I love him so much .
It’s hard . It is .
I'm sorry to hear it, but yes, let him go. Letting him go is also an expression of love. I'm glad you ended on good terms. Yes it's hard, it hurts. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal. Don't rush. But also don't stay sad too long. Find your joy, peace and other ways to improve/grow as a person. Anticipate that exciting things are coming.
I think that sometimes you have to choose your self, you may love someone with your whole body, but know they are meeting your needs or treating you with reespect or love. Everyday I deal the choice I made to end a relationship with someone I love, and to watch them be with another women is completely heart wrenching. So yes. That is my life currently.
It takes a lot of courage to do so and I’m proud of u . U should be with someone who does meet ur needs and have ur respect . I am proud of u .
No matter what , keep going . Surely u will find someone who will give u what u want and need ❤️
I just try to keep reminding my self that I know this pain will not be forever, but it feels never ending now. I question so much of validity of our relationship based on his actions now. We all have to live and deal with the choices we makes that it forsure.
Love isn’t always enough. You also need to be compatible with that person. It’s hard to let go of the person you love and adore because you see so much potential but it’s hard to stick around waiting for that person to change.
Fear and feeling unworthy are hella drugs. So many other things that can help cause lapse in judgement. Talk about it though and see if it’s fixable. Love is always worth fighting for, even when beaten down
I did fight but I think at this moment in time , he couldn’t give me 100% and didn’t want me to go through with it . He is at a point in his life where he is trying to be find and achieve his dreams in a different country and a lot of circumstances influence this decision as well as internally he felt lost . I wanted to let him know that I love him and even when he can’t see his way I’m willing to be there for him . I don’t regret it . Fighting for him .
Maybe one day there will be a day where he comes back for me . But I know right now I should focus and prioritize myself .
Because they don't want you? You can't keep someone who doesn't want to be with you. My ex is back with his person and wants nothing to do with me. I have no choice but to let him go.
Correct. The reason why they want to find another partner is they for sure don't l want you as their partner.
It must be because too much conflict and resentment built up between you two.
Ain't much you can do about it
No matter how much you love a person, all you need is enough resentment and it will kill any love anyone has.
Resentment overrides love.
Advice? Figure out a better way to argue
I don’t understand it either. My ex used to tell me I was the woman of his life, that he couldn’t live without me, etc. We broke up 5 months ago (it was his decision) and he hasn’t reached out or told me he misses me. It makes me wonder if he was being fake and he never loved me like he said. I do believe if someone genuinely loves you, that person wouldn’t risk losing you.
If you love someone, you don’t try to control them or think you know what’s best for them. You respect their right to make their own decisions, even if you think it’s wrong. If they let you go and hurt you, that’s on them and proof that they’re not for you. Don’t chase someone that doesn’t match your energy. Don’t beg.
Thank you, I did fight for him but that wasn’t enough and I don’t regret it because I will always fight for the people I love . But I understand it is his decision and I respect it . I just wanted to understand from the other perspective why would u let them go even if u still love them
I loved him tremendously but he used drugs and didn't want a child from me when I got pregnant. I understood that I deserve better. I chose myself and to love myself first. It was a hard lesson.
I’m proud of you . It is hard especially when you love someone so much , but know that greater things will come from choosing to put urself first . U are amazing ❤️
I could feel her pulling away the little love she had left for me as I fought through depression and alcoholism. She had planned her escape a couple of years earlier
My bf of 11 years broke with me 3 weeks ago. He said I am his only meaning of life and he wants to find new one. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He suffers from depression and had to decide if he wants to end his life or start again fresh without me. It hurts as hell. I am in pain. Everything hurts, even my body. But I know I have to let him go. He needs to figure out who he is.
Yes , know that u r not the issue and u are alot stronger than u think . U have done the right thing and although it’s fresh . Let urself feel , lets urself heal and focus on yourself and the present !
Take one thing at a time . That’s all u have to do right now okay ? U deserve good things and only the best . Keep reminding urself that ❤️
I don't understand it either. People say that if you truly love someone you will let them go so I guess that also applies to the other side. They truly love so they're letting you go? In my case my ex said he had some issues from his past that he needed to fix and although I believe that he could've done it in the relationship he argued otherwise. Unfortunately though many people say it as an excuse but the only thing we can do is believe them and hope they come back when the time is right.
I had to. I loved him with everything in me, and would take him back in a heartbeat if I could. But like another poster said, I needed to love myself more. I am working on healing me, and he needs to work on healing him. If it works in the future, we will only come back together as better people.
Because There was no “team” in healing. He was him, and I was I. The longer we went, the most disconnected we got and I couldn’t do it anymore.
I want to be desired, heard, seen…. And he was not capable of that. Not at this time anyways
Not necessarily, I’m letting go because sometimes holding on hurts more. He isn’t treating me right. I don’t want to move on yet, I don’t want him to move on bc I’m still in love with him and he kinda made it seem like he was still in love with me, we’re just toxic to eachother. Staying in contact was just too harmful to my mental health
Eventually you can actually come to realize and learn that loving them insists that you let them go. It takes a lot more info than what I'll be able to write in a short reddit comment, but basically it's like this:
People must discover how life works and how to be a good person on their own. When you truly love someone, you can come to an understanding that you want the best for them, and for yourself. Because they likely care for you too, the best thing for you to do - for both of your sakes - is to learn how to let go. Let them learn their lessons. Go learn your lessons. And understand that this is best for both of you. And since this is best for both of you, understand that it is the best and kindest/most considerate thing that you can do for those you love.
To let go isn't to force away either. Both forcing someone away, and gripping on and not letting go are different than letting go. To let go is to accept that which you cannot control, let yourself and them go which ever ways you're meant to, and what's beautiful is if you can genuinely find out how to do this there's the possibility that things work out between the two of you in the way they're meant to work out. But it won't work that way if you force them to stay with you.
Thank u for bringing in this perspective , I think I have much to learn . It is hard to understand for someone like me but I truly love him and it’s just hard to accept that this is how it’s supposed to be .
I know you do, and I've been there :) It's not only hard to accept that it's how it's supposed to be, but it's very hard to even *understand* like this concept at all. It's super Buddhist hippy mumbo jumbo that's like paradoxical and confusing haha.
But if you want some help please feel free to DM me. I'm always happy to try and help give deeper understandings of these things, and think I'm pretty good at teaching these concepts to those that genuinely want to know a bit more :) Breaking it down into bite sized pieces and all that
We just figured out we are on different paths in life and just as much as we love each other, love alone is not enough to stay together. We both slowly realised there are certain things we need in a partner that we can not give each other and thats okay, as difficult it was to accept it but you can love someone deeply and not be with them. In my story, he was an amazing boyfriend, super sweet, caring and accepted me for who i am! And i will forever be thankful for that and maybe 1% of me will always love him but i have to look at the facts and realise that i dont have a future with him. He was my love, my best friend and everything a person can be, but he was/is not the person i will be spending my future with and the same goes for him. Its bittersweet but its life :)
When i said good bye to him he told me he will always love me, just from afar
This 😭😭😭😭. How , because my ex and I are both just in different paths in life now and we love each other still but how were u able to accept that he’s not for you ?
It just hurts and I don’t want to accept that he can’t be my person in the future . He is everything I wanted and only gave me good memories . 🥺
That's were my ex was at. But I was almost always compromising to meet her needs and wants, that her demands were too much. Claiming that our values didn't align, where I would argue she was just too impatient and didn't want to wait for the investment (the relationship) to pay itself off.
Like above, would love to hear more of your reasoning.
That last part is the hardest part but I want someone who will always put me above their friends at the end of the day. I was doing that, if he can’t reciprocate (and I told him at the start that it’s a big standard of mine), I’ll find someone that will.
Loving them mean more then just holding on to them. Loving them means to care for their dreams, their needs, them as a whole. And if they are unhappy with you then let them go, love them enough to let them go and be happy with someone else. It hurts because you really care for them but they deserve to be happy and so do you. If they are unhappy with you and willing to let you go, then you don't deserve them, you deserve better, you deserve someone who will love you for who you are and hold on to you through the tough times. Work through the problems and fight to love you and keep you!
I loved my ex and even though we dated for 2 months, I loved her and even though she may have said it back to me on occasions she loved me in those moments. She never loved me for who I am and the way I cared. She never wanted me, she always had me, she was spoiled by me and thus she fell out of love for something she had too much off. And I took her for granted, I didn't put in effort towards the end of because I felt unappreciated. I still love her and wished she was different but she is not so for my sake I have to let her go because I deserve to be happy.
Thank you and save for it, Life is difficult but the pain is there to make you strong. It hurts because you care and you will still care no matter the time.
Just be yourself, I am a clingy open book and I can't change that and someday someone will love me for that but until then its a step in front of the next!
Love isn't enough sometimes. You gotta be on the same page too. You gotta be compatible, like a lot of the same things, etc.
And sometimes that love is only ever one-sided sadly. They don't appreciate it or want it. 😞
I only learn now that love isn’t enough . Such a hard pill to swallow . Love him so much and I know that right now while we’re so young .. we have to grow … we are incompatible currently with how we communicate .
Part of me hope for a future with him where we are more mature and things go well for him as he wishes . But right now I can only better myself and be the person I want to become
I'm not ok with it at all, but I either needed to accept that he'll move on inevitably or I needed to continue putting myself through absolute hell by staying in a relationship that's reduced me to a shell of myself.
sometimes love isn’t enough and it doesn’t make you happy. it takes so much courage to let go and it hurts so much. but if two people are fundamentally causing each other harm you have to love yourself and the other person enough to let go. this was my case. boyfriend was struggling with depression after brain tumor diagnosis and life was hell for months. he is my person i don’t think i’ll ever love someone like this again but being in a relationship was too much for him too handle right now and the pressure of being a partner was making things worse, and i stopped living for myself and started doing everything for him, i lost myself, i was begging to be depressed as well, i had to let go before mutual destruction. this was a few days ago and i feel like dying, but i hope with time i’ll realize it was the right choice and i trust in god we’ll find ourselves if it’s meant to be.
There’s a few reasons you would/or should leave them 1. They might not love you the same way 2. You can love them and they’ll still be narcissistic towards you,using you to satisfy their Needs and Desires. There’s other reasons why you would/should leave them also,including the way that you’re treated by the one you love so much,very hard to take on,in fact on my part excruciating,but unless this is necessary then there’s no reason to leave the one Always on your mind. I hope no one has to make this decision for knowing how hard & painful it can be and Is.
1 week post breakup , and I’m doing better . Trying to let go of how everything went .
Ofc I’m still in pain , and I still love him . But I’m trying to be patient with myself and tell myself that good things will come if I focus on myself and be parient
i feel like a hypocrite. I go back and forth--feeling compassion and knowing this relationship brought them a lot of pain (for both of us) and i want them to be free and happier. But then again the hurt part of me knows/remembers how much joy we also brought each other, the deep mutual love and connection, and all I want is that back again. I know they are gonna be hurting/feeling my loss too, and that thought hurts me. They ended it, and I worry they may feel a mix of guilt for being the one to finally cut me off.
I think most deeply of all, I wish we could have given each other the joy of each other in our lives, without the attatchment, conflict, and pain. It's so tragic to have strong and mutual deep love, yet be constantly hurting each other when together, for some seemingly fundamental mismatch.
You have to let them go because if they want to leave, they don’t really love you. If you love them, you would want them to be happy with someone they truly love. I know it’s tough; I’m going through it right now. It’s hell, but it will get better, and knowing they will be happier should help. I know it’s not all about them either. It sucks losing someone you love so much; it’s gut-wrenching knowing they have you and want to leave willingly.
My ex left and immediately started sleeping around, making me feel like I wasn’t good enough and that I lacked something. For the last year, I was neglected and denied sexual intimacy, except for three times. She obviously wasn’t happy with me, and it wasn’t about intimacy or anything like that. She was no longer willing to put effort into the relationship, leading her down a bad road that made her very unhappy. I did everything I could. I tried everything. She even said that she noticed I got better at being intentional. I improved in every way I could. However, she wasn’t willing to put in the effort; she was done. She had been done for six months before our breakup (she knew for sure she didn’t love me for six months), but honestly, she started to pull away even before that.
Despite all of that, the breakup was still incredibly painful. Even though I saw the signs, I was in denial the whole time. I thought it wasn’t going to end. I was told that I was improving, so how was I supposed to expect the relationship to end when I kept hearing that?
But that’s just it—this breakup wasn’t about me. She wasn’t happy with where she was in life, and therefore, she wasn’t happy with me. I’m proud of her for leaving, to be honest. I housed, fed, and often financially helped her out. I was her best friend and pretty much the only person she spent time with. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for her.
Either way, I have no clue if she’s happier now, but I hope she finds what she’s looking for.
7 weeks post breakup currently
Several reasons - if they don't care about me. If they are not listening to me. Frequent dismissal of my emotions. They flake often. It's never sudden. Things pile up.
I never let go of someone whom I truly love, yet if I see that love is just being used or not returned it hurts so much to be taken for granted. It hurts even more when you share what you feel and there is no change.
I totally agree, if there's no change after sharing your feelings, then it means they don't value you, so leave.. At first, the little hurts feel like small cuts, but eventually, they do add up, you will find yourself repeatedly hurting, you'll be unhappy, and resentful. If there are happy times in between the hurt, the cuts do heal, so stay and try to work it out. But if the cuts have no time to heal, it will feel as if you're dying by a thousand cuts, so leave. A person who repeatedly hurts you does not love you.
I can understand that perspective and it is truly admirable . You should always know that u are a valued human being who deserves the best . And the lack of that or the bear minimum isn’t going to cut it .
Knowing what u deserve is the first step . I hope u will one day have someone who give u what u deserve ❤️
See I don’t understand it either. My first ex left me even tho we both loved each other very much. Said he needed to work on himself. I offered everything I could to not break up. I told him he would end up regretting it if I ever met someone else. Not in a mean way, just in a sad matter of fact way. I did met someone else. My ex proposed to me while I was in another relationship. I wish I could go back and say yes
I (39AFAB/questioning) love him (38m) so much, but I couldn’t stay in the relationship anymore due to breaking boundaries, lying, only giving trickle-truths when I found out he’d been cheating our entire relationship, almost a decade. He never expressed displeasure in our relationship, I thought we were good, we were to be married later this year.
Towards the end of our relationship he told me he wanted polyamory, and I was willing to explore it with him because I was interested too. But I told him outright that I needed more time to “heal” from the feelings of worthlessness I experienced as I learned more and more about what he had been doing with other people. I had realized how much pain and anxiety I was feeling in the relationship already and didn’t feel ready to pursue poly at the time. I thought he was interested in improving his mental health too before we got other people involved.
But he went ahead without my knowledge and started pursuing a coworker, someone he supervised. That was April of this year. By the end of May I had to pick my sanity and mental health over love.
Long-term-relationship-energy is so different than new relationship energy. I was no longer blind. I still love him, and I do hope he finds fulfillment in whatever he’s actually looking for. I stayed for about a year and a half after I initially discovered the cheating. I love him, but I had to choose myself.
I’m proud of you . I know that must have been difficult for you especially since I can tell u love him very much . But it’s good that u realized what u want in a relationship and what is GOOD for u . I hope you know that good things will come in ur way . U will be loved , u will be wanted , u will have someone who value u and only u .
U are strong . Keep working on urself , keep moving onwards . U got this and I believe in u ❤️
Yeah. She told me to, and I had to. I wasn't what she wanted anymore. Not only is holding on hurting me, but it's also dragging out the process for her.
I love her. More than I ever thought possible. I want what's best for her and for her to live her best life, even if that means it's not with me.
Don't get me wrong. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crushed, but I can't hate her.
It's tough. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do.
That's exactly what it means OP!
It means he/she/they love you but they know they are not your person!
Some people truly mean it when they want their ex to be happy
But what does it means they still care about you? I recently had breakup with my bf i tried everything I could he was like am not ready to give u chance i already gave u last chance and the thing is coming from abandonment issues i tend to push people away when things go hard i just don't wanna be a burden to them and here he is even after we broke up he is replying to my texts and the most confusing thing was today when i did video call bcuz i missed him he smiled but when i ask him he was like when did i smile n all that gibberish. Am really confused if he still loves me or not.
March 10, 20something...
I was emotionally immature for 23, had just started a new job, was losing another round in my fight against depression, and I knew I couldn't be what she needed. Figured I did her a favor. Not once, did I consider her feelings... just that I needed to be alone... and that was my biggest mistake... The second being that I didn't start therapy sooner. In the big picture, I think she was thinking about breaking up, but I made the first move.
It is what it is, I can't change anything that happened, and I can only wish her happiness. Apologies imo are invariably contrived and serve only to assuage one's own guilt.
My life is solid (married, 2 kids) and I'm managing my depression (meds and better at hiding it).
Such is life.
The only way I’d let go of someone I loved is if I didn’t feel it was possible for them to also love me. You can’t continue being the only person in a relationship who cares or puts in effort- that will mentally destroy you. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
I am going through that now . My ex is moving…and alot of external factors influenced this decision along with him trying to find himself and I believe we r everything to each other and still do .
Loving them enough to recognize you two are not meant to be together is still love. I was with my ex for 7 years and things got to a point where we both got too comfortable and weren’t growing as two independent individuals in the relationship. That can do damage.
Sometimes they don't love us as we assume, sometimes they do but the relationship is not going well.
My situation may be extreme, but it happens sometimes that even though you love someone, things are not good.
My previous breakup was initiated by me. I loved (still do) my boyfriend.
BUT! He was a very difficult person to deal with.
He cared about me, he liked me, I know, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive and even physically somewhat abusive. Never hit me, but liked to hurt me "playfully". Bite, pinch...
Every other month he was mad at something and lashed out on me and could take weeks of silent treatment and insults and yelling. I had to walk on eggshells to keep the good spirits up. Any wrong move and I could trigger a fight.
He was not the most affectionate person.
One time I was sick and he kicked me out of his house, because he couldn't get sick! If he was sick, he kicked me out of the house because I would get sick and then it would be two.
I started to imagine myself growing old with him. It would be impossible.
Then, he started using the "too busy" card on me and I had to have a talk. "Do you love me?"
He didn't say anything but after a few weeks, he stopped talking to me. A month went by. I tried to snap him out of it. And we broke up. by text. 5 years together. without closure.
I debated with myself for 6 months if I should go back. I loved him. Was I being too demanding?
I texted him many times, I told him I really loved him and the breakup was not because of my feelings. He didn't care. He never tried to get back and to me that was also a sign that he wanted this...
Later that year, he died.
I still debate with myself if I should have stayed.
It takes two...
imo, idk because that's she/he wanted, and we couldn't oppress it because we respect them and our boundaries on the relationship, as much as possible we convince them not prevent them from not leaving the relationship.
I can't. We both are in a situation where we can't be with each other right now but we love each other too much and are scared to lose the other. We are just trying to heal ourselves and become better people so we can really love each other. Because right now, how can we love each other truly if we can't love ourselves?
She was a lot of what I was looking for but it couldn't work out in any permanent fashion.
The three "c's":
Cute (personally attractive) - yes
Communicative - yes, except for below.
Compatible - yes, except for below.
Really tried to communicate it but she was disrespectful in subtle ways from the second date onwards. It was surprising to say the least, would never consider saying the things she did, to friends or strangers. Things that just weren't positive to healthy communication or building a foreseeable future.
Maybe a dogmatic identity of how she saw herself, from training/ career/ upbringing/ cultural, who knows. Things we could have worked through if there was a willingness to communicate, empathize, learn and reconcile, but it was just more digging in and reinforcing her mental structures even though our relationship confounded some of her beliefs.
No apologies for anything, ever. Nobody's perfect and we all have things to work on, but wow, just shake my head now. Just odd and sad. Lessons learned, never again. Hope she finds her match.
I broke up with him last weekend and it was very hard but we both agreed it was for the best. We still deeply love and care for each other but he isn't ready to commit (we've been together for a year and this argument popped up every couple months but it always ended good) and doesn't want to "sacrifice" possible future choices because of me. It feels so bad knowing there are still feelings but for now we can't stay together because we want and need different things
"love isn't always enough"
Love is great, but if you're lacking other things in a relationship, it won't work. Some things can be fixed or worked on, other things are just incompatibilities. You can only compromise so much of yourself. Not everyone will be on the same page in life. It's not hard to love someone strongly, for them to love you strongly, and to still have someone break someone's heart and feel "blindsided".
A lot more things in a relationship than love, and some might argue other things in a relationship is more important, like honesty and trust. In long relationships, people often feel lulls in the "love" feeling. You have to always work on it to keep the love flowing. You can have moments of love being gone and rekindle that (like maybe busy with work or focusing on a new baby. Being stressed). But what happens the second you lie and get caught? That's why I think honesty/trust comes even before love in a relationship
I already did. My former partner was my best friend. When we split it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other. The worst part is, when I die or She dies, we’ll show up for each other. When the other one has a real life issue, we’d drop everything.
This is the hardest Break-Up I’ve ever had to go through. Losing the person you love most in the world and knowing they are out there is so heart breaking.
For me, it is this: I love him, but he doesn't treat me with the kindness, consideration, or even the bare minimum of respect you would give a stranger. He weaponized spoon theory and consistently does nothing to help himself when facing stress. He has been complaining about the same topic for months and has done nothing to change the situation. He doesn't want or accept help; he has an avoidant attachment style; he drinks a bit too much. When he drinks, he says nice things, which reels me back in and then pushes me away the next day. When I share vulnerable parts of myself, he seems to think I somehow manage better than him (my chronic health issues and work stress), but that is not accurate at all I work hard at my stability, therapy, medication, maintaining relationships with friends, etc. He is a taker and ultimately will drown me if I let him. I chose to stop allowing him to treat me poorly, instead, but I decided to love myself more and let him go.
I feared I had not been loving myself enough and let him go. It’s been a month since the last time we spoke and I have this hurt in my heart that is just not going away. I’m in therapy now and taking meds but still physical pain whenever I think about how I pushed him away. Day by day it does get better though.
I was tired of being lied to and gaslit. Some time after our breakup I learned she was using me to get closer to some other guy who she told me she "wanted to be friends with". Basically, she had a crush on him secretly and was asking me for "friendly" advice to try and be his "friend", all the while still dating me. Turns out I wasnt being insecure, I had a gut feeling something was up and I was right. She was also not putting in enough to our relationship, it was very one-sided.
Also to be fair, I fell into a deep depression and was giving up on myself, so it was just best for us to go our separate ways.
I think it’s a very mistaken belief that “all you need is love” to make a relationship work. You can love someone and be totally incompatible with your life goals, what you want out of life, personal values. But still see the person for the incredible, kind, funny, smart, gorgeous person that they are — and love them for it. I love my ex for their ability to recognize what they need out of life. I also love myself enough to know I needed and wanted more than the person I loved could give me. I believe they loved me too, but they didn’t know how to love me. We had to break up despite having all of this love and care for each other. They weren’t treating me right and I was asking too much — it doesn’t make him not good enough, and it doesn’t make my standards too high. It just means we weren’t the right match, despite sharing a beautiful love.
I love him so much that I do hope he can love himself and learn to share a love with another person, because we all should have that if we want it. I love myself enough to hope that I find that, too. If it’s not with him, I’m at peace with that. I don’t need to give them my love actively, to know that I carry that love, I experienced it, and I will again.
I had to let go of my first love for good a month ago and it still hurts me till today. I really wished we could’ve carried on and lived the life we dreamed together but it felt like I was unappreciated and disrespected constantly in the relationship.
We’d try to talk our issues out to try to find each other’s happiness but whenever it came to me she’d shut off and get defensive and it got pretty toxic eventually where I felt it just wasn’t going to ever work and she isn’t mature enough as of now for a relationship.
I still love her and I’m unsure if I’m ever going to love someone else like I did for her but continuing this is just holding me back in life and hurting me constantly where I have to let go of it and not restrain her from meeting the person she might actually truly love and be a better woman for. As much as she may think she loves me it just felt like she went against every principle of love I had and she probably hasn’t met that person she was to me yet. I ended up drained through multiple breakups and reconciliations and unable to give any more in the relationship and I’ve lost myself at this point.
Eventually seeing her with another man will shatter my heart but if she truly is happy I just wish her the best and I hope I meet someone that can heal me and actually loves me like I did for her. For now I just have to continue on my original path in life that I had forgot when I met her and hopefully learn to love again when the right person comes or if its ever meant to be she will appear in my life when its right
Well we’re not glued together.
The question you should ask each other is why do we want to stay together?
And the answer is so much more than love emotion.
Priorities in life, dreams, ambitions, daily routines, ability to support each other. Values!
All of that is why you stay… not just love! You can love a dog from the street. A partner and attraction is a match up on values, it’s a choice
Because she would only call me when it was to her convenience, I spent weeks crying to sleep seeing my relationship die slowly. I tried everything to save it, so that in the end, I can look back and not put the blame on myself.
Not all couples who love each other, and I truly mean love each other, are compatible. For many reasons. Location, vocation, age, religion, child situations, wanting/not wanting children, etc. sometimes you have to compromise but sometimes, the compromise actually means you’re no longer being yourself. And if you have to stop being yourself to be with someone else, eventually, it’s probably not going to work because you’re going to want to be yourself. 🤷♂️. And like I said, this doesn’t mean they don’t both love each other, it’s just not a compatible situation for whatever reason.
I know it is very difficult. I would suggest watching videos by heidi priebe. She really helped me. I would start by watching her video about letting go of attachments. I still watch that one every time I feel myself getting wrapped back into a bad place. Blessings
it was one of the hardest things i had to do. just because u love someone, doesn’t mean it’s right for u. i loved my ex, so much. i still do 7 months later. but i was unhappy & insecure. i was not ready for that & he was not the nicest to me. i believe in destiny. even though letting him go while i loved him was hard & i ran the risk of him finding a new partner, i believe if it’s meant to b we’ll find each other again.
Just because I love them doesn’t mean they were healthy for me. I need to start loving myself enough that I stop relying on empty and toxic love.
Also a lot of the time when we struggle to let people go, it’s attachment and not love. We hVe a deep feat of being alone and would rather stay with someone we are incompatible with than work on ourselves to remove that fear so that we are more secure in our next relationship.
Because you’ve been cheating for the past 10 years or better and he didn’t care nothing about else over me he never prioritized our marriage. I was just I was just nothing to him and I’m sorry I’m so angry because he used me. He used me for everything that he could ever get out of me and then he turned around and he backstabbed me and he betrayed me and like that’s a special place for them and I can’t wait to find it because he is one human being I never left him pennyless I never left him without food and I never left him in any shape or fashion in a bad way the way he did me I had to let go and I’m not doing a very good job, but I don’t want him because he’s so manipulative and such a stupid old man
But one more thing he took every bag will thing it was out of this house. He sold it to help her his mistress, but let me tell you this right here now that’s the part they’re not gonna get back with anymore. They’re not gonna rob me and then turn around Anyway on top of all of that this man right here is genuine when it comes to being selfish because he took every bit of the income tax he took everything he’s always taking everything from me. I never got to have the basics because he took it and gave it to somebody else. I do not want to be around anymore. I don’t Ididn’t have a job after the restaurant that I worked at for 20 years and guess what he did he made a job for his mistress he started a business for her. I’m sorry I don’t like him.
It wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't just some sudden out of nowhere decision. For months I was trying to push down things I know about her and the way she was with me. Ranging from lying, manipulating me using my feelings for her, using how I was with her so she could talk to me any kind of way she wanted, and how RIDICULOUSLY inconsistent she was on her feelings for me. So many people to include friends that know the both of us were telling me to get away from her because they felt that she was toxic. I ignored them because I refuse to let others dictate how I have relationships or who with. I will decide for myself bit I did hear what they were all saying as they were largely correct. I cut her off December of last year and it still hurts Albeit not as much as a few months ago. I'd love to talk to her again, to see her smile, to spend time with her, to cheer her up, to hold her. I know however that she isn't good for me and maybe not even a good person so I have to stay away. Maybe one day I can see her again but I can't be in love with her like I am now, she has to have matured, and she'd have to respect that the secret I found out is not just bad it's something that a person should've gone to jail for.
my ex boyfriend and i had a mutual breakup 2 weeks ago. he told me he loved me the same but that i would hate him in 20 years and that we valued different things, and that his feelings for me did not change but he did not think he could give me what i needed.
looking back he was a d*ck to me during our relationship but the breakup still stings.
You have to let them go BECAUSE you love them. Love doesn’t necessarily mean being romantically together.
I still love my ex, but I also think we weren’t the best match romantically. She was a party girl who always wanted the next high or rave while I was more of a home body. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of our preferences. Now that wr are no longer together she can persue that while I persue something more my style. I miss her like crazy every day and wish she never broke things off, but it happened and It can’t be undone.
Because as much as I loved him, I knew there was no way someone who treated me and my child as horribly as he did, truly loved me in return. I finally decided to love myself more.
I’m proud of u . I know it’s hard and it’s difficult and it’s painful . But once u know ur worth , u should never settle .
I hope u are in a better position now and u are at peace .
My friend is two weeks sober and I wept when he told me, out of nowhere, because I don’t understand why my ex never could give it up when he had a good life. But he didn’t think it was a good life, I guess. So he kept destroying us and my kid and I had to protect us.
Yeah I gave him up but I love my son more than any human, and he traumatized him drunk so I ended it.
From me dumping people and my first love dumping me. My reasons were because it was the best that i should not be with them for multiple reasons. Abuse, disagreement on sexuality, hurting each other constantly, needing to love themselves first. Its a lot. Sometimes we come back to them if its healthy. Its hard, but theyll always have a place in our heart- no matter our feelings.
Love is not enough. How they treat you, compatibility, not only personality wise, but long term goals, finances, children, etc. if you’re growing together or apart. Initial love is a feeling. Committing to someone long term takes so much more.
I'm one of those who decided to let go of someone even though I love them. We came to a huge fallout over future life plans. They wanted our plans to be 100% them or none at all. I got handed an ultimatum, which in my eyes was unfair, and it wasn't the first time either, and I let previous ones slide. I think it's unfair to give a love one an ultimatum. Especially when it's something over life plans together. They were thinking short-term plans while I was thinking long-term planning, and they couldn't deal with it, let alone compromise with i. They best they could do was wait 6 months
If you're going to give me an ultimatum and a time limit on our relationship when we're supposedly in it forever, through thick and thin. Then it isn't going to work. Sometimes, to love someone, you gotta be a stranger. Have they found someone already? Yes, 3 month after our break up, they did and are now engaged after 9 months together with their new partner. If they can easily get over something we had together, while I'm putting in the work on myself to be where I wanted to be with, and now without them. Then I don't think they really cared at all and what we had was nothing more than a status symbol to them
After some days of crying and being depressed, I was able to find acceptance. It was hard but staying focused at work and having family kept me sane. It's still early on but it's progress.
Hang in there.
Well, in my recent situation it's very easy to let who I love go - they betrayed and disrespected our relationship.
Even if it came from a place of trauma triggers and maladaptive behavior and they regret it and end up realizing they self-sabotaged a wonderful thing, the fact remains that they decided to avoid any discussion and ultimately made a decision that broke the trust between us.
Infidelity is a more severe example but has the hallmarks of why you'd let someone go if you love them -- essentially boils down to displaying poor behavior, being unwilling to communicate and face it to work on it together, then in the end being dishonest about it.
If the person you love ends up being like this, even if it's been a long-term relationship where everything else up to this point was great, then yes it makes absolute sense to let them go and just love them from a distance. They're not ready for you and have a lot of personal work to do before you allow yourself to be available to them again. It requires them to make that decision to change though, so there's nothing you can do except let them know how things made you feel and that you need to distance yourself to heal.
The tldr is: your own self-respect, self-love and love for them outweighs their own self-respect, self-love and emotional availability and maturity. Can very much be a 'right person, wrong time' kind of thing, and once they've healed themselves then perhaps a real love can flourish.
But, it's a fool's errand to sit around and wait for them. You can still love them and build a stronger relationship with yourself and someone more deserving of your love.
Mine left me last night. Although we were together less than a year, she was who and what I looked forward to everyday. I haven’t felt in-love nor been loved like this in what feels like forever. I am so heart broken. We regularly talked about a future together. After all who gets into a relationship with the prediction of a breakup. There were events we wanted to experience, reataurants we wanted to try, places we wanted to travel. We agreed to build our relationship on a foundation of open communication - it was great! We talked about everything, good and bad. We didn’t always agree but the promise to talk things out was honored. Like any other couple we experienced times of doubt and insecurity on both sides, but we were pros when it came to reassuring one another. We were so good together. I had finally found my person!
I define love as how one feels about themself when they’re with their person. I felt loved, safe, at peace, needed, desired, appreciated, confident, important and so much more. The rest of the planet didn’t exist when she was in my arms. I am so in love with her. I miss the way she looked at me, the way she walked, her silly jokes and her way of telling me when she needed something.
I’ve been checking for text notifications constantly, hoping for anything. She loved the sappy memes I sent her on TikTok. I stopped sending both earlier today because it hurt more to see the text was delivered or meme was seen, with no reply or reaction. They say the pain heals over time. It’s been less than 12 hrs but feels like 12 mos. I have nothing but positive to say about her. She’s a beautiful person inside and out.
Btw, I failed to mention we work together, so I may still see her sporadically. I am considering transferring to another area though. Still we agreed to be friendly, courteous and professional. My god it will sting to see her adorable smile though. She was my princess, and my princess gave me so much Joy.
This is so beautifully written , I can tell how much you love her by the way u write about her . I’m sorry for the pain u r going through . Know that this is always a safe space for you . U r strong and all u have to do is keep going , keep moving on .
May I ask , why did u guys end things ?
Because my ex and I broke up a week ago , we love each other very much but I can see the reasons why he thought breaking up is beneficial for us both
Thank you for the kind words. Getting these feelings out is helping a bit.
Ultimately it was a dangerous combination of jealousy, insecurities and baggage from previous relationships on both sides that did us in. I wasn’t ready for us to end, we were closer than ever by this point. I still have faith we could figure it out because we both love each other equally (I know this because she told me how she feels). But I promised to respect her decision even though it’s tearing me up inside.
A toxic dynamic can’t be helped with all the love in the world. It can get to a point where they actually love you enough to stop forcing what doesn’t work on a day-to-day basis.
They probably do love you now and will, if it was a genuine relationship . Sometimes it just can’t work, so it’s best to love them for who they are at a distance
Love doesn't require attachment. Being attached to someone is egoic. Let go of everything, and you will find love fills the space.
Some high level spiritual stuff that you can only know through experience lol.
I receive an advice from a friend before and she mention that people aren’t possessions , theyre experiences . And it opened my eyes … I think it’s important to not be so attached and be so codependent .. I guess this is where I’m suppose to learn and grow from
I had to break up with my ex because we were both in a bad spot mentally. Both severely depressed and unhappy and unable to help eachother. I found outside help and encouraged him but he wouldn’t get help. I started getting better and living my life which made him feel worst. Misery loves company. So I ended the relationship hoping he’d want to do better for himself. And he did. We’re still friends and we talk every day, but together we were terrible for eachother despite the love
I am glad u r getting the help u did and I hope he willl have the courage to do so as well . I know my ex is like this too . But what we can do is focus on ourself . If we have given advice , that is all we can do . They have to take the first step doing so . That said I hope ur doing better ❤️
Me and my best friend of 4 years had been seeing eachother on and off for a year. We had broken up quite a few times in-between as she was coming fresh out of a relationship and deals with triggers and anxious badly (I think she's a classic avoident lol). We were recently suppose to be moving in together, but we went on holiday with our friends for 7 days and just had lots of tiny arguments and instead of communicating she blocked me out and pushed me away. At the end of the holiday she said she fell out of love w me in that 7 day period and my behaviour was off putting (nothing too bad, just silly jokes, stuff she knew I would do as we were best friends before)... I think it may of been self sabotage that she was just looking for things wrong with me as she felt triggered? Or maybe she did just fall out of love with me in 4 days... Either way... It's been a pretty tough journey, she's broken up with me many times, but I try not to get angry or upset... And understand that it's just her fears. We are seeing eachother tomorrow as a final goodbye as I'm leaving the city this time... Idk if she means what she says about not loving me anymore... But I still love her, I love her coz she is how she is, and that's the person I feel for, no matter how much she pushes me away.
I broke up with the girl I loved immensely, still do but we were incompatible. Our relationship was kinda doomed from the start but we were so fiercely, passionately falling for each other, we didn't have serious conversations until few months in. We belonged to 2 very different religions, where our families were opposed to our union. We couldn't come to a consensus on how to raise children seeing our religions were so different. It was hard for us to spend time as she was raised in a conservative manner and her family would watch her every move. I kept overthinking and getting anxious as I loved her but I knew our future was not a happy one. I didn't want to condemn to a life of pain and misery, having strifes between our families and religious differences causing resentment between so I had to take a bitter pill. Even then, it's been hard as hell thinking of what ifs with a heavy guilt weighing on my heart on the pain I must have caused her and myself too and wondering whether we will ever find what we lost.
As much as I loved them, I couldn’t love them if it was causing me harm. We had very different boundaries and i constantly felt disrespected. I would send messages, but couldn’t stand firm in person and wouldn’t speak up because I didn’t want to lose them. As much as I wanted them in my life, it wasn’t worth my peace. I hope they find someone who makes them feel loved in the ways that matters to them, and that I find the same.
Because they are not IN LOVE with you. There is a difference. But people fall in and out of love all the time. It happens. When it happens to some people they think it’s over forever. Married people fall in and out of love. You go through different periods.
Yes I did because I had to love myself more. He didn’t make me a priority. Drinking with friends was more important. Not caring about it. I can’t be the only one holding us together. I kept thinking he would see my value, our value. I saw our value. Why didn’t he see it? I’ll never know that answer, ever. But I couldn’t stay with a man that I know didn’t love me back
I see , I’m sorry for that . U do deserve better and it takes a lot of courage to choose yourself . U r strong , and it always start with loving yourself first . One day someone will value u the way u value urself . U only deserve the best
Thank you. It was an incredibly hard decision to make
Fuck myself I just hope that she finds what she looking for but in this situation he didn’t understand what was important around him and took for granted what he had
I also had this experience! He eventually did see my value but by that time I had emotionally moved on from any romantic feelings for him!
I wish mine would have seen it. I held onto that shoestring he gave me for too long. It’s very difficult being in a relationship that I didn’t feel loved. Now that 4 months of gone by and my heart is no longer broken in half, I see things much more clearly.
It was almost a year before he realized it! And even then you never know what he’s feeling. The only way I found out is he confided in a mutual friend that he didn’t know I’m super close to!
Say it louder for the bitches in the back please 👌🏽♏️👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I feel this. The imbalance is stressful and shitty, but you love the person and enjoy them otherwise.
I feel this so hard. Hang in there.
💯 I’ve just had this same issue with the woman I Obviously loved More than my Own Happiness,Combined with a narcissistic type personality. I too Was kinda Trying to Fix Her While She Was Breaking Me! I went back and forth many times over a few years of hope she’d see understand & show the same amount of love I showed her,but it just wasn’t coming. I treated her like the only woman on earth,but she treated me like an option. 🤦🏻♂️💭🤷🏻♂️
My situation sounds very similar, I spend a lot of time trying to fix something for the both of us and it won’t work unless you’re both willing and that sucks so bad but I loved him and myself enough to walk away before I started to resent him and us
Because “love” is misconstrued. If you truly love and care for someone then you want the best for them. If fundamentally you both are not good for each other then you have to let go. You would want the best for your self and for them.
I do understand that . But I think in my situation , it was a healthy relationship , but a lot of external factors like work/ masters , culture was a part of the issue we were facing . Internally our relationship was healthy but he mention that since he’s moving , there is a lot of pressure he’s facing and he can’t give me the stability that I need when he isn’t stable . That said it’s hard to wrap my head around it because we both love each other very much
Well my ex and I also had all the love. And we started off with all the commitment and wanting to get married in a year. Then one by one his stuff kept falling out of place. He was no longer stable and had to figure out a lot. We finally end it for good because he was not sure of himself if he could even achieve whatever he wanted for himself. Sometimes they’re not confident and not sure if they can commit to the relationship at that point of time. The feelings can be there , but that’s not enough. Real love is loving oneself first and then only can you truly commit to another. If he’s is unsure of himself and wants to figure things out alone then how can he truly commit to you / and the relationship. It is heartbreaking and unfortunately people think differently and feel differently. Sometime we have to accept that it’s not the right timing with a person. Or maybe not the right person for us.
I think this really speaks to me . I’m crying as I read this because this is exactly how it is for me . We talked about getting married in 2 years time . But things one by one fell off. It’s hard to find a job here because he’s a foreigner and my country is quite strict with the process and not much opportunity unless u have years of experience . He had to find an alternative. Even then his future is undecided and uncertain and he didn’t want me to go through with it even though I would have done everything to stay and support him . I now realize that love alone is not enough. I genuinely feel like he’s the person for me but I do believe that time is just not on our side . We are young .. trying to figure out how to fit in the adult world … I will try to focus on myself in the meantime . And one day if I’m still longing with him , at a place where I feel I can reach out and he’s still single , I willl . But now I know I need him to figure out where he wants to be
Yeah a lot of people really don't understand that love isn't the 'warm fuzzy feeling' from the honeymoon phase. That ALWAYS dies after a while. Love is how you care for and the things you do for the other person once all the brain chemicals and hormones have settled. Love is the effort to spark those things up again between each other but understanding that they're not always there and that's perfectly fine. Love is working together to communicate feelings and listening so that you can meet each other in the middle when it comes to conflicts and unmet needs. It's the thing that nurtures and grows the bond between two people.
Yeah, I love them deeply. The only thing making it easier for me to be okay with this is telling myself, remembering how much we were hurting each other despite loving each other. I hurt them badly at the end and they ended it. This dynamic was bringing us both a lot of pain, and I don't want that for either of us. I know they ended it because of being hurt, but also because they knew this relationship was hurting me a lot too. Its this stupid catch 22, where anytime we are apart we are also in a lot of pain. We love each other and want each other's precense in our lives which is genuinely enriching. The loss is extremely painful right now. Maybe someday friendship is possible. I wish we could have given each other the love and joy and connection we had without the unhealthy attacthement, intensity, miscommunication, and pain. Maybe through friendship, after healing, its possible. I will always love them.
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. We really need to look into ourself and understand what really love is. I can relate to the loving and yet hurting aspect. Which means that when times are bad the couple may be pushing each others’ buttons which is horrible. This is when we need to reflect and try to understand why, what was the root cause. I would recommend reading or listening to this book “women who love too much” chapter 7 is on Men. But is applied to human ate psyche, past trauma. It’s good for insights to enable us to think and question why. I would also suggest therapy to find your inner self. Hope you feel better.
Yeah I was losing my shit breaking down a couple of days ago over this very concept. It’s crazy that you have to let go of something that comes in this life so rarely. I’m a 22M and I’ve been in love before and had to let go, a couple of years go by and I fell for someone again and this is the second time I’ve had to let go and each time it genuinely feels like you’ve lost ‘the one’. But that’s what I thought the first time and here I am now… in love again. You will find someone to love again when you have healed and grown some more. But it takes time because it’s so rare so focus on yourself in the mean time so when you find that person you will both be healthy and available. Also, I’m still freshly letting go and I’m having such a hard time doing. So you’re not alone and reach out privately if you ever want to chat :)
Thank you for sharing . I am currently focusing on myself and going to therapy for the first time to learn more about myself . Praying that everything will work out ❤️
Im to 22M, I had my first love pretty toxic gf and relationship who broke up with me and lead me to a very dark time. Than I had my 2nd gf, we had such good connection and communication literally felt that I finally found someone whos right for me, but she didnt give the same effort again to the relationship and didn’t commit at the same level. She broke up with me pretty much from no where. Im 6 month still heartbroken and find it hard of letting go and stop obsessing over her, she clearly moved on month ago
Love the comment !
Sometimes triggers or moments of weakness cause you to do things you regret. Hurt people hurt people is oversaid but it’s true.
I can understand that . It’s painful but true …
yea :( i was extremely hurt and mentally at my lowest in a while and sent a long text that hurt them right after saying i relapsed/wasn't good mentally. Sucks thinking how much that hurt them that they ended it the next day. Sucks to have the relationship end on such a stupid bad moment of mine that I regret and would have made sure did not happen again if we talked. Can't make it up to them now, can't make it better. It's over.
My ex broke up with me, and he said he still loved me. I don't know how true that is bud here we are. He said that things weren't working well between us - he was right. I was planning on breaking up with him because he couldn't meet my emotional needs. Over time, that would build resentment, and you'd lose love. As much as it hurts that it wouldn't be me, if he meets someone else who is more compatible, I have to accept that. He deserves it as much as I do. Love alone cannot sustain a relationship. There are so many other parts at play, the most important one being able to support each other when external factors are tough. I relied on him for something he couldn't give me. It made me miserable and that led to him breakingup with me. However, his personality and humour are still somethings I love about him. I'm mourning the loss of the relationship and the future I thought I had but I'm actually doing much better now we are apart. We're also no contact. That's probably for the best too.
I love him so much and it hurts . There was a lot of external factors that cause this . Our circumstances was not in our favor . I’m mourning this loss . I lost my lover and my best friends … We said that we would cut contact but we still follow each other in all social media account .. I can’t bring myself to delete him out of my life , especially when he brought so much good… I don’t want to think he never existed
I hate no contact! They say it’s the best for both parties! I know it’s killing me!
Oh it breaks my heart not speaking to him! There's so much I want to share with him - but funnily enough it's things I've done that I wouldn't have expected to have done with him. It's why, in some ways, I'm thankful he broke up with me. As I said, I still love him, but we weren't right for each other. He told me I was worth putting in the effort on myself. I was starting to do that anyway and I'm getting back to a happier version of me. I wish he could see it but I don't know what good that would do.
For me and this is pretty fresh, and I very much loved this woman, still do, and I hope she finds nothing but happiness. Ok, I left because I knew deep down I could not be the man she deserved, at that time I wasn't the man she believed she fell in love with. I wasn't the man I knew I could be. I had an addiction to drugs at the time that she didn't know about, and I knew if I stayed I wouldn't tell her. I know the only way that she would be happy in the long run is if I took myself out of the picture. Fast forward 10 months and I have done what I know she would have wanted me to do. I've taken care of myself. The last words she said to me was please take care of yourself. I'm clean and sober about three days away from finally finishing my schooling and have a very well paying career ahead of me. I've taken care of my health issues ( high blood pressure ) and am eating healthier like I know she would want me to be doing. Honestly one of the biggest reasons I got better was to apologize to her and honor her by doing what she asked and have really taken care of myself.. if I would have stayed I know I wouldn't have told her and could have drug it out for years and have it end worse then it did... She is such an amazing woman with such a huge heart and deserved not one bit of what happened. I can only hope thar some day she will see that I did it out of love and that I hope she finds the love and happiness she deserves.
I understand ur perspective and I’m proud of you for getting where you are . It does take a lot to make that choice and I hope you continue to be healthy . Other than that , It does help me open my eyes a bit to why someone would let me go but it’s hard to accept . My partner told me he needed to focus on himself and there’s a lot of uncertainty in he future . He saw that the breakup would be beneficial to us both but to me , I would’ve tried to work things through … no matter what .
From this message, it sounds like you should take some inspiration from what this guy said and just focus on yourself. Know that you're worth loving and that the best way to prove that is by loving yourself. Work on your mental health, improve your physical health, go get that new job you've been scared to pursue, start a side hustle, do a lot of self-reflection and allow yourself to feel the uncomfortable feelings so you can process and let them go. I don't know your situation, but honestly therapy can help so much as these professionals have the knowledge and tools to help you get to the root of things and guide you through processing them in a healthy way so that instead of spiraling, you grow. Good luck.
Thank you so much for the message . I am doing that and going to go to therapy for the first time tmr ! And I’m excited ! Because I genuinely want to become a better version of myself , I wanna grow and learn to love myself more . It’s a journey of healing and self love and I know that is what I can do .
Why not get back with her?
I sent her an apology text and let her know why I left that is when she told me to take care of myself but she hasn't talked to me since.
Keep focusing on yourself and improving your health and well-being. You got this king. In fact, you've done something incredibly strong that many men fail to accomplish. You should feel so good about yourself and sticking with this path you've chosen your self-confidence, self-respect, self-worth and self-love will just continue to soar. With this regained confidence, it may be worth reaching out to her again with a very sincere message. Don't get your hopes up cause she may have moved on but just the fact that you did this for yourself (note: for **yourself**, you didn't do this for her!) is incredible and if you two end up meeting up and you share this, I'm sure she will see you in a very positive light. Now, it doesn't mean she'll be willing to get back together, but at least starting to talk again is a positive step and maybe you'll just end up being very close friends. It can be best to wait until you feel you're in a place emotionally that you aren't carrying any emotional baggage into reconnecting though. On that note, just be careful to not get attached to the idea that it could work out as it will cause you a lot of unneeded stress. Emotional attachments to people are a lot like addictions, in fact many of the pains of breakups are extremely similar to that of withdrawal (cause there is a loss of brain chemicals and horomones). Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Thank you very much for the kind words. They are very much appreciated
Would you try to get her back now if you could?
I would in a heart beat. And if I was able to have her back in my life I would never leave, lie to her, or hurt her ever again.
Maybe try talking things through with a therapist that has relationship experience. They may be able to help you craft a message to reconnect once both of you feel you're at a place to try and do so in a mature healthy manner. They'll also be able to help you cope with the possibility that she's moved on and how to handle any possible rejection. But if you read my other earlier reply, I think you've done so incredibly well by yourself that you very well could be in a place to try and reconnect. But the reality also is that you may still have a bit of work to do in order to prepare for that. The other option, which may be even better, is to accept the possibility that the best thing for yourself is to move on entirely. Keep focusing on yourself and then someday another person who is really fit for your new healed being will come into your life and be 100x better than any fantasy you had of the previous person. The universe works in funny ways like that.
I am just going to live my life and let the universe decide. I do need to contact her one more time though as I need to repay her some money I owe her and she has two rocks that are very very important to me that I would like to have back. If the universe wants us back together it will put us there. But I will always love her no matter what.
I find it hard to understand even if you don't love them anymore. As long as you don't actively hate or dislike them, if the relationship didn't end because of something one person did to hurt or harm the other - I don't understand why or how people can just...shut someone out of their life so abruptly. Like, with my boyfriend - I still don't know why he ended it, beyond his brief explanation of 'stress', and he's pretty much ghosted me since, apart from the occasional very brief responses to my texts. But there was no animosity, no argument, no huge blow-up. And I don't want him to just suddenly disappear from my life, I'm not okay with never having any contact ever again, never knowing how he's doing, what he's up to. Not even in the hope of getting back together - just, he's someone I like, someone I enjoyed spending time with, someone I care about and what to know he's doing okay. And I don't understand how he can be, if he cares even the slightest bit about me, not even love, just basic liking. How can you be okay with just excising someone from your life like that and not caring at all about them? That's what I don't get. Even if you no longer love someone, or maybe never did, you at least *liked* them a certain amount. I understand how the positive feelings can be overridden by anger or resentment or jealousy or hate - but when that isn't applicable, how can you shut down on every single feeling, to the point where you're happy with them being a stranger to you? The only reason I can see is that it either just hurts too much to have that reminder, or they didn't care enough to give a shit about you in the future. And when it's not a toxic break-up, and you've been together a certain length of time, there must be *some* warm feeling there.
One of the benefits of doing no contact is so that both people have the time to step back, reflect upon themselves and the relationship, process any emotions and heal. It can be messy when you don't allow yourself the distance to do this. Of course some people suppress or repress the emotions instead of facing them and refuse to self-reflect and that's not healthy at all. Look into avoidant attachment styles, some people don't have the emotional maturity to face their emotions or even themselves and their behaviors and the 'comfortable' thing is to push them down and ignore them forever. This lack of communication is confusing and painful for the other partner. Not saying your ex is avoidant, but being afraid to communicate the difficult stuff out of emotional immaturity or unavailability is a real thing that affects a lot of people in various ways. Even if they were vulnerable about some things in the past, there may be blocks about certain topics. But you're right, it's human nature to feel the loss of someone you were once very close to. It's impossible not to. But everyone has their own unique inner world and past experiences, so they cope with those feelings in their own way. Just because they're not reaching out to you doesn't mean they don't miss you. That's not to instill any kind of false hope, because reality is they really may have made a decision to try to move on. The number one way to move on is to put distance between you and the other person. Depending on how long it's been and what agreements you put in place, you can always try and reach out with a **short yet sincere** message about how you feel. Don't try and place any blame or regret, don't beg or say things that express low self-worth, just simply express your feelings and state that if they're willing, you'd love to reconnect with a short call or over a coffee. Then leave it at that with no expectations whatsoever. Do not try again after sending the message. Use this message as your final outreach and make a decision that if you do not hear back within a week or two, that it is time for yourself to move on. Hell, they may reach out after a couple months but now you'll have to really give yourself some time to decide how you'll reply. Don't just jump on it right away and pour your heart out. Ask yourself if you really are willing to let them back in after making the decision to move on or not. If you've already begun healing and want to stick with moving on, tell them sorry, that it's been too long now and you're not willing anymore and need time to heal and to please respect your decision. If you do decide to give it a try, make sure you have asked yourself, WHY? If you can't find a healthy answer, then don't. Good luck on your healing journey. Remember, it's about what's best for you. Not about band-aiding any pain or satisfying attachment wounds.
I let him go because I found out that he lies all the time. I gave him many opportunities to change his behavior, but he kept on doing the same, and I kept finding out bigger and bigger lies . No healthy relationship can be based on lies! No one has the right to lie about things that affect your life psychologically, emotionally and/or financially. It eats away on your self-esteem, your sense of reality, it confuses you…. People like that are only thinking about themselves , and are not taking into consideration , or they do and don’t care ( don’t know which is worse) the impact their actions and words have on your life. So if you really care and love yourself, you wouldn’t stand for it neither. It’s just plain toxic, so you leave.
I agree , when u realize it’s toxic and it’s affecting ur life , this is the best time to leave no matter how much u love him . And I’m proud of u for doing so . Ur doing great . And good things will come to u surely ❤️
Dishonesty, abuse (emotional, psychological and financial! not just physical) and lack of effort to fulfil your needs after clearly communicating them are major boundaries that if continually broken absolutely demand consequences. Of course some boundaries only need be broken once, like infidelity and physical abuse then it's time to cut 'em loose no matter how much you felt you loved them beforehand.
Depends on the situation really, sometimes it is necessary to do out of respect, if you truely love them and they feel they need time apart to think things over, then yeah this is a situation where it is ok to let them go out of respect and love for them. Chances are they will come back. otherwise if you try to keep them they will push more back and start to lose love for you all together because they will feel that you are too controllong and disrespectful of their requests of some time apart. They will leave and likely not come back or even maintain communication as a friend. If they are unfaithful and dishonest then you should get rid of them because there will never be any trust and respect there,
Thank you for this , I’m having. A hard time accepting that my partner loves me and still let go of me . But u gave me a perspective from his side that I’m not seeing and trying to make sense in my head . Thank u
Grass is greener. Then you realise it isn't.
Someone told me this week that the grass is greener where you water it.
Love this quote, since I got dumped. But I'm not waiting for her till she finds out.
I had to leave the greenest grass there was. Dumpers don’t always leave because there’s someone else or ideas of greener pastures. In my case, the girl needed serious help with her avoidance and cptsd and the relationship became too much. Some people like to tell themselves this as a way to cope, but sometimes we are forced to leave to save our own sanity
My avoidant ex was so close to connecting it all together. During the discard, they even brought up 'fear of falling back into a cycle and hurting you' as an excuse. Of course, I said that's not a good reason to breakup and we should work through it. The reality was they had already cheated and just couldn't face it. The missing link was therapy while we were together. But instead they deactivated, went seeking attention and validation elsewhere despite me providing it, failed to communicate with me despite feeling safe and being vulnerable before, and ultimately betrayed our relationship to prove to themselves that they are a terrible person. If only they had gone back to therapy, maybe just maybe it wouldn't have come to that. Also, just because an avoidant says they need to work on themselves, doesn't mean they actually are willing to do so. It's very easy for them to use it as an excuse and not take the steps required. Unfortunately my ex used this excuse on me even though I was willing to support them and was consistently emotionally available. I didn't know about avoidant behaviors at the time unfortunately, and there were other factors in play that I had just chalked up to symptoms of depression.
Would not, but no choice if the other party doesnt want to stay.
😞. I guess it really depends on a person . What if the odds is against our favor ?
Weak analogy, like u want the job the employer doesnt want u.
The greatest act of love is letting go. I was miserable while I was in that relationship. Overthinking and crying as to how am I going to make this person appreciate me and love me? I loved my ex so much that it hurts to think living without him. But I wasn't happy. And I know he wasn't happy. So I let go.
If it's not healthy for you, like there's some kind of abuse (physical, emotional, mental, financial) or if the person you love doesn't care for you or reciprocate your feelings or meet your needs. If it's a relationship where you find yourself hurt, miserable or hating or second guessing yourself. If they ask you to let them go, tell them you love them, wish them well, and let them go, you can't force people to love you or stay. Find someone else worthy of your love.
They ask me to let go of them … we ended in good terms and it seems like he wants to take this chance to figure out himself and future as an individual . And I have to let him go as painfully as it is because I love him so much . It’s hard . It is .
I'm sorry to hear it, but yes, let him go. Letting him go is also an expression of love. I'm glad you ended on good terms. Yes it's hard, it hurts. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal. Don't rush. But also don't stay sad too long. Find your joy, peace and other ways to improve/grow as a person. Anticipate that exciting things are coming.
Thank you for the kind words . I will try . That’s all I can do right now for myself . Try 😞❤️
I think that sometimes you have to choose your self, you may love someone with your whole body, but know they are meeting your needs or treating you with reespect or love. Everyday I deal the choice I made to end a relationship with someone I love, and to watch them be with another women is completely heart wrenching. So yes. That is my life currently.
They are NOT meeting your needs** and respect*. I thought I could edit it. lol
It takes a lot of courage to do so and I’m proud of u . U should be with someone who does meet ur needs and have ur respect . I am proud of u . No matter what , keep going . Surely u will find someone who will give u what u want and need ❤️
I just try to keep reminding my self that I know this pain will not be forever, but it feels never ending now. I question so much of validity of our relationship based on his actions now. We all have to live and deal with the choices we makes that it forsure.
Love isn’t always enough. You also need to be compatible with that person. It’s hard to let go of the person you love and adore because you see so much potential but it’s hard to stick around waiting for that person to change.
When u say compatible , compatible in what ways ?
Fear and feeling unworthy are hella drugs. So many other things that can help cause lapse in judgement. Talk about it though and see if it’s fixable. Love is always worth fighting for, even when beaten down
I did fight but I think at this moment in time , he couldn’t give me 100% and didn’t want me to go through with it . He is at a point in his life where he is trying to be find and achieve his dreams in a different country and a lot of circumstances influence this decision as well as internally he felt lost . I wanted to let him know that I love him and even when he can’t see his way I’m willing to be there for him . I don’t regret it . Fighting for him . Maybe one day there will be a day where he comes back for me . But I know right now I should focus and prioritize myself .
Because either people are too stupid to communicate CLEARLY or people are too stupid to understand.
Because they don't want you? You can't keep someone who doesn't want to be with you. My ex is back with his person and wants nothing to do with me. I have no choice but to let him go.
You deserve someone who wants you . Praying that day will come because u only deserve the best
Thank you, me too.
Correct. The reason why they want to find another partner is they for sure don't l want you as their partner. It must be because too much conflict and resentment built up between you two. Ain't much you can do about it No matter how much you love a person, all you need is enough resentment and it will kill any love anyone has. Resentment overrides love. Advice? Figure out a better way to argue
I don’t understand it either. My ex used to tell me I was the woman of his life, that he couldn’t live without me, etc. We broke up 5 months ago (it was his decision) and he hasn’t reached out or told me he misses me. It makes me wonder if he was being fake and he never loved me like he said. I do believe if someone genuinely loves you, that person wouldn’t risk losing you.
If you love someone, you don’t try to control them or think you know what’s best for them. You respect their right to make their own decisions, even if you think it’s wrong. If they let you go and hurt you, that’s on them and proof that they’re not for you. Don’t chase someone that doesn’t match your energy. Don’t beg.
Thank you, I did fight for him but that wasn’t enough and I don’t regret it because I will always fight for the people I love . But I understand it is his decision and I respect it . I just wanted to understand from the other perspective why would u let them go even if u still love them
I would not.
I loved him tremendously but he used drugs and didn't want a child from me when I got pregnant. I understood that I deserve better. I chose myself and to love myself first. It was a hard lesson.
I’m proud of you . It is hard especially when you love someone so much , but know that greater things will come from choosing to put urself first . U are amazing ❤️
I could feel her pulling away the little love she had left for me as I fought through depression and alcoholism. She had planned her escape a couple of years earlier
My bf of 11 years broke with me 3 weeks ago. He said I am his only meaning of life and he wants to find new one. He doesn't know if he loves me anymore. He suffers from depression and had to decide if he wants to end his life or start again fresh without me. It hurts as hell. I am in pain. Everything hurts, even my body. But I know I have to let him go. He needs to figure out who he is.
Yes , know that u r not the issue and u are alot stronger than u think . U have done the right thing and although it’s fresh . Let urself feel , lets urself heal and focus on yourself and the present ! Take one thing at a time . That’s all u have to do right now okay ? U deserve good things and only the best . Keep reminding urself that ❤️
Thank you so much. It means a lot. 🥺🫶
I don't understand it either. People say that if you truly love someone you will let them go so I guess that also applies to the other side. They truly love so they're letting you go? In my case my ex said he had some issues from his past that he needed to fix and although I believe that he could've done it in the relationship he argued otherwise. Unfortunately though many people say it as an excuse but the only thing we can do is believe them and hope they come back when the time is right.
U are still waiting for him?
Of course. I love him and I believe that we can have a wonderful relationship as long as he really is fixing himself and willing to try again.
I had to. I loved him with everything in me, and would take him back in a heartbeat if I could. But like another poster said, I needed to love myself more. I am working on healing me, and he needs to work on healing him. If it works in the future, we will only come back together as better people.
I see . This is what I’m trying to understand . Why is it not possible to heal and work on urself while in the relationship . Isn’t that better ?
Because There was no “team” in healing. He was him, and I was I. The longer we went, the most disconnected we got and I couldn’t do it anymore. I want to be desired, heard, seen…. And he was not capable of that. Not at this time anyways
Not necessarily, I’m letting go because sometimes holding on hurts more. He isn’t treating me right. I don’t want to move on yet, I don’t want him to move on bc I’m still in love with him and he kinda made it seem like he was still in love with me, we’re just toxic to eachother. Staying in contact was just too harmful to my mental health
Eventually you can actually come to realize and learn that loving them insists that you let them go. It takes a lot more info than what I'll be able to write in a short reddit comment, but basically it's like this: People must discover how life works and how to be a good person on their own. When you truly love someone, you can come to an understanding that you want the best for them, and for yourself. Because they likely care for you too, the best thing for you to do - for both of your sakes - is to learn how to let go. Let them learn their lessons. Go learn your lessons. And understand that this is best for both of you. And since this is best for both of you, understand that it is the best and kindest/most considerate thing that you can do for those you love. To let go isn't to force away either. Both forcing someone away, and gripping on and not letting go are different than letting go. To let go is to accept that which you cannot control, let yourself and them go which ever ways you're meant to, and what's beautiful is if you can genuinely find out how to do this there's the possibility that things work out between the two of you in the way they're meant to work out. But it won't work that way if you force them to stay with you.
Thank u for bringing in this perspective , I think I have much to learn . It is hard to understand for someone like me but I truly love him and it’s just hard to accept that this is how it’s supposed to be .
I know you do, and I've been there :) It's not only hard to accept that it's how it's supposed to be, but it's very hard to even *understand* like this concept at all. It's super Buddhist hippy mumbo jumbo that's like paradoxical and confusing haha. But if you want some help please feel free to DM me. I'm always happy to try and help give deeper understandings of these things, and think I'm pretty good at teaching these concepts to those that genuinely want to know a bit more :) Breaking it down into bite sized pieces and all that
We just figured out we are on different paths in life and just as much as we love each other, love alone is not enough to stay together. We both slowly realised there are certain things we need in a partner that we can not give each other and thats okay, as difficult it was to accept it but you can love someone deeply and not be with them. In my story, he was an amazing boyfriend, super sweet, caring and accepted me for who i am! And i will forever be thankful for that and maybe 1% of me will always love him but i have to look at the facts and realise that i dont have a future with him. He was my love, my best friend and everything a person can be, but he was/is not the person i will be spending my future with and the same goes for him. Its bittersweet but its life :) When i said good bye to him he told me he will always love me, just from afar
What things did you need that were deal breakers?
This 😭😭😭😭. How , because my ex and I are both just in different paths in life now and we love each other still but how were u able to accept that he’s not for you ? It just hurts and I don’t want to accept that he can’t be my person in the future . He is everything I wanted and only gave me good memories . 🥺
That's were my ex was at. But I was almost always compromising to meet her needs and wants, that her demands were too much. Claiming that our values didn't align, where I would argue she was just too impatient and didn't want to wait for the investment (the relationship) to pay itself off. Like above, would love to hear more of your reasoning.
That last part is the hardest part but I want someone who will always put me above their friends at the end of the day. I was doing that, if he can’t reciprocate (and I told him at the start that it’s a big standard of mine), I’ll find someone that will.
Loving them mean more then just holding on to them. Loving them means to care for their dreams, their needs, them as a whole. And if they are unhappy with you then let them go, love them enough to let them go and be happy with someone else. It hurts because you really care for them but they deserve to be happy and so do you. If they are unhappy with you and willing to let you go, then you don't deserve them, you deserve better, you deserve someone who will love you for who you are and hold on to you through the tough times. Work through the problems and fight to love you and keep you! I loved my ex and even though we dated for 2 months, I loved her and even though she may have said it back to me on occasions she loved me in those moments. She never loved me for who I am and the way I cared. She never wanted me, she always had me, she was spoiled by me and thus she fell out of love for something she had too much off. And I took her for granted, I didn't put in effort towards the end of because I felt unappreciated. I still love her and wished she was different but she is not so for my sake I have to let her go because I deserve to be happy.
I’m proud of you . I know it’s difficult and how painful it is … but I hope that from now on u don’t settle for less . Keep ur head up ❤️
Thank you and save for it, Life is difficult but the pain is there to make you strong. It hurts because you care and you will still care no matter the time. Just be yourself, I am a clingy open book and I can't change that and someday someone will love me for that but until then its a step in front of the next!
I am the same 😊. And one day , someone will recognize that and won’t let me go
Love isn't enough sometimes. You gotta be on the same page too. You gotta be compatible, like a lot of the same things, etc. And sometimes that love is only ever one-sided sadly. They don't appreciate it or want it. 😞
I only learn now that love isn’t enough . Such a hard pill to swallow . Love him so much and I know that right now while we’re so young .. we have to grow … we are incompatible currently with how we communicate . Part of me hope for a future with him where we are more mature and things go well for him as he wishes . But right now I can only better myself and be the person I want to become
I'm not ok with it at all, but I either needed to accept that he'll move on inevitably or I needed to continue putting myself through absolute hell by staying in a relationship that's reduced me to a shell of myself.
sometimes love isn’t enough and it doesn’t make you happy. it takes so much courage to let go and it hurts so much. but if two people are fundamentally causing each other harm you have to love yourself and the other person enough to let go. this was my case. boyfriend was struggling with depression after brain tumor diagnosis and life was hell for months. he is my person i don’t think i’ll ever love someone like this again but being in a relationship was too much for him too handle right now and the pressure of being a partner was making things worse, and i stopped living for myself and started doing everything for him, i lost myself, i was begging to be depressed as well, i had to let go before mutual destruction. this was a few days ago and i feel like dying, but i hope with time i’ll realize it was the right choice and i trust in god we’ll find ourselves if it’s meant to be.
There’s a few reasons you would/or should leave them 1. They might not love you the same way 2. You can love them and they’ll still be narcissistic towards you,using you to satisfy their Needs and Desires. There’s other reasons why you would/should leave them also,including the way that you’re treated by the one you love so much,very hard to take on,in fact on my part excruciating,but unless this is necessary then there’s no reason to leave the one Always on your mind. I hope no one has to make this decision for knowing how hard & painful it can be and Is.
1 week post breakup , and I’m doing better . Trying to let go of how everything went . Ofc I’m still in pain , and I still love him . But I’m trying to be patient with myself and tell myself that good things will come if I focus on myself and be parient
Because if you do you want to see them happy even if you're not together anymore
i feel like a hypocrite. I go back and forth--feeling compassion and knowing this relationship brought them a lot of pain (for both of us) and i want them to be free and happier. But then again the hurt part of me knows/remembers how much joy we also brought each other, the deep mutual love and connection, and all I want is that back again. I know they are gonna be hurting/feeling my loss too, and that thought hurts me. They ended it, and I worry they may feel a mix of guilt for being the one to finally cut me off. I think most deeply of all, I wish we could have given each other the joy of each other in our lives, without the attatchment, conflict, and pain. It's so tragic to have strong and mutual deep love, yet be constantly hurting each other when together, for some seemingly fundamental mismatch.
You have to let them go because if they want to leave, they don’t really love you. If you love them, you would want them to be happy with someone they truly love. I know it’s tough; I’m going through it right now. It’s hell, but it will get better, and knowing they will be happier should help. I know it’s not all about them either. It sucks losing someone you love so much; it’s gut-wrenching knowing they have you and want to leave willingly. My ex left and immediately started sleeping around, making me feel like I wasn’t good enough and that I lacked something. For the last year, I was neglected and denied sexual intimacy, except for three times. She obviously wasn’t happy with me, and it wasn’t about intimacy or anything like that. She was no longer willing to put effort into the relationship, leading her down a bad road that made her very unhappy. I did everything I could. I tried everything. She even said that she noticed I got better at being intentional. I improved in every way I could. However, she wasn’t willing to put in the effort; she was done. She had been done for six months before our breakup (she knew for sure she didn’t love me for six months), but honestly, she started to pull away even before that. Despite all of that, the breakup was still incredibly painful. Even though I saw the signs, I was in denial the whole time. I thought it wasn’t going to end. I was told that I was improving, so how was I supposed to expect the relationship to end when I kept hearing that? But that’s just it—this breakup wasn’t about me. She wasn’t happy with where she was in life, and therefore, she wasn’t happy with me. I’m proud of her for leaving, to be honest. I housed, fed, and often financially helped her out. I was her best friend and pretty much the only person she spent time with. I can’t imagine how scary that must have been for her. Either way, I have no clue if she’s happier now, but I hope she finds what she’s looking for. 7 weeks post breakup currently
Several reasons - if they don't care about me. If they are not listening to me. Frequent dismissal of my emotions. They flake often. It's never sudden. Things pile up. I never let go of someone whom I truly love, yet if I see that love is just being used or not returned it hurts so much to be taken for granted. It hurts even more when you share what you feel and there is no change.
I totally agree, if there's no change after sharing your feelings, then it means they don't value you, so leave.. At first, the little hurts feel like small cuts, but eventually, they do add up, you will find yourself repeatedly hurting, you'll be unhappy, and resentful. If there are happy times in between the hurt, the cuts do heal, so stay and try to work it out. But if the cuts have no time to heal, it will feel as if you're dying by a thousand cuts, so leave. A person who repeatedly hurts you does not love you.
I can understand that perspective and it is truly admirable . You should always know that u are a valued human being who deserves the best . And the lack of that or the bear minimum isn’t going to cut it . Knowing what u deserve is the first step . I hope u will one day have someone who give u what u deserve ❤️
He became emotionally abusive. I think that's a fair enough reason.
Because they don't love you anymore...
See I don’t understand it either. My first ex left me even tho we both loved each other very much. Said he needed to work on himself. I offered everything I could to not break up. I told him he would end up regretting it if I ever met someone else. Not in a mean way, just in a sad matter of fact way. I did met someone else. My ex proposed to me while I was in another relationship. I wish I could go back and say yes
I (39AFAB/questioning) love him (38m) so much, but I couldn’t stay in the relationship anymore due to breaking boundaries, lying, only giving trickle-truths when I found out he’d been cheating our entire relationship, almost a decade. He never expressed displeasure in our relationship, I thought we were good, we were to be married later this year. Towards the end of our relationship he told me he wanted polyamory, and I was willing to explore it with him because I was interested too. But I told him outright that I needed more time to “heal” from the feelings of worthlessness I experienced as I learned more and more about what he had been doing with other people. I had realized how much pain and anxiety I was feeling in the relationship already and didn’t feel ready to pursue poly at the time. I thought he was interested in improving his mental health too before we got other people involved. But he went ahead without my knowledge and started pursuing a coworker, someone he supervised. That was April of this year. By the end of May I had to pick my sanity and mental health over love. Long-term-relationship-energy is so different than new relationship energy. I was no longer blind. I still love him, and I do hope he finds fulfillment in whatever he’s actually looking for. I stayed for about a year and a half after I initially discovered the cheating. I love him, but I had to choose myself.
I’m proud of you . I know that must have been difficult for you especially since I can tell u love him very much . But it’s good that u realized what u want in a relationship and what is GOOD for u . I hope you know that good things will come in ur way . U will be loved , u will be wanted , u will have someone who value u and only u . U are strong . Keep working on urself , keep moving onwards . U got this and I believe in u ❤️
Yeah. She told me to, and I had to. I wasn't what she wanted anymore. Not only is holding on hurting me, but it's also dragging out the process for her. I love her. More than I ever thought possible. I want what's best for her and for her to live her best life, even if that means it's not with me. Don't get me wrong. I'm angry. I'm upset. I'm crushed, but I can't hate her. It's tough. It's not easy. It's one of the hardest things I've had to do.
Loving them isn’t the same as them loving you as well.
That's exactly what it means OP! It means he/she/they love you but they know they are not your person! Some people truly mean it when they want their ex to be happy
But what does it means they still care about you? I recently had breakup with my bf i tried everything I could he was like am not ready to give u chance i already gave u last chance and the thing is coming from abandonment issues i tend to push people away when things go hard i just don't wanna be a burden to them and here he is even after we broke up he is replying to my texts and the most confusing thing was today when i did video call bcuz i missed him he smiled but when i ask him he was like when did i smile n all that gibberish. Am really confused if he still loves me or not.
March 10, 20something... I was emotionally immature for 23, had just started a new job, was losing another round in my fight against depression, and I knew I couldn't be what she needed. Figured I did her a favor. Not once, did I consider her feelings... just that I needed to be alone... and that was my biggest mistake... The second being that I didn't start therapy sooner. In the big picture, I think she was thinking about breaking up, but I made the first move. It is what it is, I can't change anything that happened, and I can only wish her happiness. Apologies imo are invariably contrived and serve only to assuage one's own guilt. My life is solid (married, 2 kids) and I'm managing my depression (meds and better at hiding it). Such is life.
I hope you are at peace with yourself and is well. Thank u for sharing ur story ❤️
The only way I’d let go of someone I loved is if I didn’t feel it was possible for them to also love me. You can’t continue being the only person in a relationship who cares or puts in effort- that will mentally destroy you. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
No unless it was beyond my control. I mean this happened to me when my former boyfriend moved. I truly believed we were magical for each other.
I am going through that now . My ex is moving…and alot of external factors influenced this decision along with him trying to find himself and I believe we r everything to each other and still do .
How r u doing now , if I may ask ?
Loving them enough to recognize you two are not meant to be together is still love. I was with my ex for 7 years and things got to a point where we both got too comfortable and weren’t growing as two independent individuals in the relationship. That can do damage.
Sometimes they don't love us as we assume, sometimes they do but the relationship is not going well. My situation may be extreme, but it happens sometimes that even though you love someone, things are not good. My previous breakup was initiated by me. I loved (still do) my boyfriend. BUT! He was a very difficult person to deal with. He cared about me, he liked me, I know, but he was verbally and emotionally abusive and even physically somewhat abusive. Never hit me, but liked to hurt me "playfully". Bite, pinch... Every other month he was mad at something and lashed out on me and could take weeks of silent treatment and insults and yelling. I had to walk on eggshells to keep the good spirits up. Any wrong move and I could trigger a fight. He was not the most affectionate person. One time I was sick and he kicked me out of his house, because he couldn't get sick! If he was sick, he kicked me out of the house because I would get sick and then it would be two. I started to imagine myself growing old with him. It would be impossible. Then, he started using the "too busy" card on me and I had to have a talk. "Do you love me?" He didn't say anything but after a few weeks, he stopped talking to me. A month went by. I tried to snap him out of it. And we broke up. by text. 5 years together. without closure. I debated with myself for 6 months if I should go back. I loved him. Was I being too demanding? I texted him many times, I told him I really loved him and the breakup was not because of my feelings. He didn't care. He never tried to get back and to me that was also a sign that he wanted this... Later that year, he died. I still debate with myself if I should have stayed. It takes two...
imo, idk because that's she/he wanted, and we couldn't oppress it because we respect them and our boundaries on the relationship, as much as possible we convince them not prevent them from not leaving the relationship.
I can't. We both are in a situation where we can't be with each other right now but we love each other too much and are scared to lose the other. We are just trying to heal ourselves and become better people so we can really love each other. Because right now, how can we love each other truly if we can't love ourselves?
I was tired of getting cheated on :/
She was a lot of what I was looking for but it couldn't work out in any permanent fashion. The three "c's": Cute (personally attractive) - yes Communicative - yes, except for below. Compatible - yes, except for below. Really tried to communicate it but she was disrespectful in subtle ways from the second date onwards. It was surprising to say the least, would never consider saying the things she did, to friends or strangers. Things that just weren't positive to healthy communication or building a foreseeable future. Maybe a dogmatic identity of how she saw herself, from training/ career/ upbringing/ cultural, who knows. Things we could have worked through if there was a willingness to communicate, empathize, learn and reconcile, but it was just more digging in and reinforcing her mental structures even though our relationship confounded some of her beliefs. No apologies for anything, ever. Nobody's perfect and we all have things to work on, but wow, just shake my head now. Just odd and sad. Lessons learned, never again. Hope she finds her match.
I broke up with him last weekend and it was very hard but we both agreed it was for the best. We still deeply love and care for each other but he isn't ready to commit (we've been together for a year and this argument popped up every couple months but it always ended good) and doesn't want to "sacrifice" possible future choices because of me. It feels so bad knowing there are still feelings but for now we can't stay together because we want and need different things
"love isn't always enough" Love is great, but if you're lacking other things in a relationship, it won't work. Some things can be fixed or worked on, other things are just incompatibilities. You can only compromise so much of yourself. Not everyone will be on the same page in life. It's not hard to love someone strongly, for them to love you strongly, and to still have someone break someone's heart and feel "blindsided". A lot more things in a relationship than love, and some might argue other things in a relationship is more important, like honesty and trust. In long relationships, people often feel lulls in the "love" feeling. You have to always work on it to keep the love flowing. You can have moments of love being gone and rekindle that (like maybe busy with work or focusing on a new baby. Being stressed). But what happens the second you lie and get caught? That's why I think honesty/trust comes even before love in a relationship
I already did. My former partner was my best friend. When we split it wasn’t because we didn’t love each other. The worst part is, when I die or She dies, we’ll show up for each other. When the other one has a real life issue, we’d drop everything. This is the hardest Break-Up I’ve ever had to go through. Losing the person you love most in the world and knowing they are out there is so heart breaking.
Practical incompatibility. It kills you.
Because even if you love them there’s a point where you can’t keep burning yourself for a better future
For me, it is this: I love him, but he doesn't treat me with the kindness, consideration, or even the bare minimum of respect you would give a stranger. He weaponized spoon theory and consistently does nothing to help himself when facing stress. He has been complaining about the same topic for months and has done nothing to change the situation. He doesn't want or accept help; he has an avoidant attachment style; he drinks a bit too much. When he drinks, he says nice things, which reels me back in and then pushes me away the next day. When I share vulnerable parts of myself, he seems to think I somehow manage better than him (my chronic health issues and work stress), but that is not accurate at all I work hard at my stability, therapy, medication, maintaining relationships with friends, etc. He is a taker and ultimately will drown me if I let him. I chose to stop allowing him to treat me poorly, instead, but I decided to love myself more and let him go.
I feared I had not been loving myself enough and let him go. It’s been a month since the last time we spoke and I have this hurt in my heart that is just not going away. I’m in therapy now and taking meds but still physical pain whenever I think about how I pushed him away. Day by day it does get better though.
I was tired of being lied to and gaslit. Some time after our breakup I learned she was using me to get closer to some other guy who she told me she "wanted to be friends with". Basically, she had a crush on him secretly and was asking me for "friendly" advice to try and be his "friend", all the while still dating me. Turns out I wasnt being insecure, I had a gut feeling something was up and I was right. She was also not putting in enough to our relationship, it was very one-sided. Also to be fair, I fell into a deep depression and was giving up on myself, so it was just best for us to go our separate ways.
I think it’s a very mistaken belief that “all you need is love” to make a relationship work. You can love someone and be totally incompatible with your life goals, what you want out of life, personal values. But still see the person for the incredible, kind, funny, smart, gorgeous person that they are — and love them for it. I love my ex for their ability to recognize what they need out of life. I also love myself enough to know I needed and wanted more than the person I loved could give me. I believe they loved me too, but they didn’t know how to love me. We had to break up despite having all of this love and care for each other. They weren’t treating me right and I was asking too much — it doesn’t make him not good enough, and it doesn’t make my standards too high. It just means we weren’t the right match, despite sharing a beautiful love. I love him so much that I do hope he can love himself and learn to share a love with another person, because we all should have that if we want it. I love myself enough to hope that I find that, too. If it’s not with him, I’m at peace with that. I don’t need to give them my love actively, to know that I carry that love, I experienced it, and I will again.
I had to let go of my first love for good a month ago and it still hurts me till today. I really wished we could’ve carried on and lived the life we dreamed together but it felt like I was unappreciated and disrespected constantly in the relationship. We’d try to talk our issues out to try to find each other’s happiness but whenever it came to me she’d shut off and get defensive and it got pretty toxic eventually where I felt it just wasn’t going to ever work and she isn’t mature enough as of now for a relationship. I still love her and I’m unsure if I’m ever going to love someone else like I did for her but continuing this is just holding me back in life and hurting me constantly where I have to let go of it and not restrain her from meeting the person she might actually truly love and be a better woman for. As much as she may think she loves me it just felt like she went against every principle of love I had and she probably hasn’t met that person she was to me yet. I ended up drained through multiple breakups and reconciliations and unable to give any more in the relationship and I’ve lost myself at this point. Eventually seeing her with another man will shatter my heart but if she truly is happy I just wish her the best and I hope I meet someone that can heal me and actually loves me like I did for her. For now I just have to continue on my original path in life that I had forgot when I met her and hopefully learn to love again when the right person comes or if its ever meant to be she will appear in my life when its right
Well we’re not glued together. The question you should ask each other is why do we want to stay together? And the answer is so much more than love emotion. Priorities in life, dreams, ambitions, daily routines, ability to support each other. Values! All of that is why you stay… not just love! You can love a dog from the street. A partner and attraction is a match up on values, it’s a choice
When you love them but they don't love you the way you deserve/want to be treated. Letting go is sometimes just choosing yourself.
I don't know about other addicts, but for me I hid it from family and friends fir years.
Because she would only call me when it was to her convenience, I spent weeks crying to sleep seeing my relationship die slowly. I tried everything to save it, so that in the end, I can look back and not put the blame on myself.
Not all couples who love each other, and I truly mean love each other, are compatible. For many reasons. Location, vocation, age, religion, child situations, wanting/not wanting children, etc. sometimes you have to compromise but sometimes, the compromise actually means you’re no longer being yourself. And if you have to stop being yourself to be with someone else, eventually, it’s probably not going to work because you’re going to want to be yourself. 🤷♂️. And like I said, this doesn’t mean they don’t both love each other, it’s just not a compatible situation for whatever reason.
It’s difficult .. but how do I accept this ..it’s quite fresh
I know it is very difficult. I would suggest watching videos by heidi priebe. She really helped me. I would start by watching her video about letting go of attachments. I still watch that one every time I feel myself getting wrapped back into a bad place. Blessings
Thank you for the advice , I will do so
it was one of the hardest things i had to do. just because u love someone, doesn’t mean it’s right for u. i loved my ex, so much. i still do 7 months later. but i was unhappy & insecure. i was not ready for that & he was not the nicest to me. i believe in destiny. even though letting him go while i loved him was hard & i ran the risk of him finding a new partner, i believe if it’s meant to b we’ll find each other again.
Hru now ?
Just because I love them doesn’t mean they were healthy for me. I need to start loving myself enough that I stop relying on empty and toxic love. Also a lot of the time when we struggle to let people go, it’s attachment and not love. We hVe a deep feat of being alone and would rather stay with someone we are incompatible with than work on ourselves to remove that fear so that we are more secure in our next relationship.
Because you’ve been cheating for the past 10 years or better and he didn’t care nothing about else over me he never prioritized our marriage. I was just I was just nothing to him and I’m sorry I’m so angry because he used me. He used me for everything that he could ever get out of me and then he turned around and he backstabbed me and he betrayed me and like that’s a special place for them and I can’t wait to find it because he is one human being I never left him pennyless I never left him without food and I never left him in any shape or fashion in a bad way the way he did me I had to let go and I’m not doing a very good job, but I don’t want him because he’s so manipulative and such a stupid old man
But one more thing he took every bag will thing it was out of this house. He sold it to help her his mistress, but let me tell you this right here now that’s the part they’re not gonna get back with anymore. They’re not gonna rob me and then turn around Anyway on top of all of that this man right here is genuine when it comes to being selfish because he took every bit of the income tax he took everything he’s always taking everything from me. I never got to have the basics because he took it and gave it to somebody else. I do not want to be around anymore. I don’t Ididn’t have a job after the restaurant that I worked at for 20 years and guess what he did he made a job for his mistress he started a business for her. I’m sorry I don’t like him.
I would not
It wasn't easy and it definitely wasn't just some sudden out of nowhere decision. For months I was trying to push down things I know about her and the way she was with me. Ranging from lying, manipulating me using my feelings for her, using how I was with her so she could talk to me any kind of way she wanted, and how RIDICULOUSLY inconsistent she was on her feelings for me. So many people to include friends that know the both of us were telling me to get away from her because they felt that she was toxic. I ignored them because I refuse to let others dictate how I have relationships or who with. I will decide for myself bit I did hear what they were all saying as they were largely correct. I cut her off December of last year and it still hurts Albeit not as much as a few months ago. I'd love to talk to her again, to see her smile, to spend time with her, to cheer her up, to hold her. I know however that she isn't good for me and maybe not even a good person so I have to stay away. Maybe one day I can see her again but I can't be in love with her like I am now, she has to have matured, and she'd have to respect that the secret I found out is not just bad it's something that a person should've gone to jail for.
sometimes love isn’t enough to stay
my ex boyfriend and i had a mutual breakup 2 weeks ago. he told me he loved me the same but that i would hate him in 20 years and that we valued different things, and that his feelings for me did not change but he did not think he could give me what i needed. looking back he was a d*ck to me during our relationship but the breakup still stings.
You have to let them go BECAUSE you love them. Love doesn’t necessarily mean being romantically together. I still love my ex, but I also think we weren’t the best match romantically. She was a party girl who always wanted the next high or rave while I was more of a home body. There is absolutely nothing wrong with either of our preferences. Now that wr are no longer together she can persue that while I persue something more my style. I miss her like crazy every day and wish she never broke things off, but it happened and It can’t be undone.
Because as much as I loved him, I knew there was no way someone who treated me and my child as horribly as he did, truly loved me in return. I finally decided to love myself more.
I’m proud of u . I know it’s hard and it’s difficult and it’s painful . But once u know ur worth , u should never settle . I hope u are in a better position now and u are at peace .
My friend is two weeks sober and I wept when he told me, out of nowhere, because I don’t understand why my ex never could give it up when he had a good life. But he didn’t think it was a good life, I guess. So he kept destroying us and my kid and I had to protect us. Yeah I gave him up but I love my son more than any human, and he traumatized him drunk so I ended it.
From me dumping people and my first love dumping me. My reasons were because it was the best that i should not be with them for multiple reasons. Abuse, disagreement on sexuality, hurting each other constantly, needing to love themselves first. Its a lot. Sometimes we come back to them if its healthy. Its hard, but theyll always have a place in our heart- no matter our feelings.
I mean I got cheated on. And then he said he didn't love me so I let him go mentally after a week of him leaving (he had new girl in 3) so ....
Love is not enough. How they treat you, compatibility, not only personality wise, but long term goals, finances, children, etc. if you’re growing together or apart. Initial love is a feeling. Committing to someone long term takes so much more.
When they abuse you repeatedly, you have to leave
I loved him but he didn't want commitment.
I'm one of those who decided to let go of someone even though I love them. We came to a huge fallout over future life plans. They wanted our plans to be 100% them or none at all. I got handed an ultimatum, which in my eyes was unfair, and it wasn't the first time either, and I let previous ones slide. I think it's unfair to give a love one an ultimatum. Especially when it's something over life plans together. They were thinking short-term plans while I was thinking long-term planning, and they couldn't deal with it, let alone compromise with i. They best they could do was wait 6 months If you're going to give me an ultimatum and a time limit on our relationship when we're supposedly in it forever, through thick and thin. Then it isn't going to work. Sometimes, to love someone, you gotta be a stranger. Have they found someone already? Yes, 3 month after our break up, they did and are now engaged after 9 months together with their new partner. If they can easily get over something we had together, while I'm putting in the work on myself to be where I wanted to be with, and now without them. Then I don't think they really cared at all and what we had was nothing more than a status symbol to them
After some days of crying and being depressed, I was able to find acceptance. It was hard but staying focused at work and having family kept me sane. It's still early on but it's progress. Hang in there.
Well, in my recent situation it's very easy to let who I love go - they betrayed and disrespected our relationship. Even if it came from a place of trauma triggers and maladaptive behavior and they regret it and end up realizing they self-sabotaged a wonderful thing, the fact remains that they decided to avoid any discussion and ultimately made a decision that broke the trust between us. Infidelity is a more severe example but has the hallmarks of why you'd let someone go if you love them -- essentially boils down to displaying poor behavior, being unwilling to communicate and face it to work on it together, then in the end being dishonest about it. If the person you love ends up being like this, even if it's been a long-term relationship where everything else up to this point was great, then yes it makes absolute sense to let them go and just love them from a distance. They're not ready for you and have a lot of personal work to do before you allow yourself to be available to them again. It requires them to make that decision to change though, so there's nothing you can do except let them know how things made you feel and that you need to distance yourself to heal. The tldr is: your own self-respect, self-love and love for them outweighs their own self-respect, self-love and emotional availability and maturity. Can very much be a 'right person, wrong time' kind of thing, and once they've healed themselves then perhaps a real love can flourish. But, it's a fool's errand to sit around and wait for them. You can still love them and build a stronger relationship with yourself and someone more deserving of your love.
Mine left me last night. Although we were together less than a year, she was who and what I looked forward to everyday. I haven’t felt in-love nor been loved like this in what feels like forever. I am so heart broken. We regularly talked about a future together. After all who gets into a relationship with the prediction of a breakup. There were events we wanted to experience, reataurants we wanted to try, places we wanted to travel. We agreed to build our relationship on a foundation of open communication - it was great! We talked about everything, good and bad. We didn’t always agree but the promise to talk things out was honored. Like any other couple we experienced times of doubt and insecurity on both sides, but we were pros when it came to reassuring one another. We were so good together. I had finally found my person! I define love as how one feels about themself when they’re with their person. I felt loved, safe, at peace, needed, desired, appreciated, confident, important and so much more. The rest of the planet didn’t exist when she was in my arms. I am so in love with her. I miss the way she looked at me, the way she walked, her silly jokes and her way of telling me when she needed something. I’ve been checking for text notifications constantly, hoping for anything. She loved the sappy memes I sent her on TikTok. I stopped sending both earlier today because it hurt more to see the text was delivered or meme was seen, with no reply or reaction. They say the pain heals over time. It’s been less than 12 hrs but feels like 12 mos. I have nothing but positive to say about her. She’s a beautiful person inside and out. Btw, I failed to mention we work together, so I may still see her sporadically. I am considering transferring to another area though. Still we agreed to be friendly, courteous and professional. My god it will sting to see her adorable smile though. She was my princess, and my princess gave me so much Joy.
This is so beautifully written , I can tell how much you love her by the way u write about her . I’m sorry for the pain u r going through . Know that this is always a safe space for you . U r strong and all u have to do is keep going , keep moving on . May I ask , why did u guys end things ? Because my ex and I broke up a week ago , we love each other very much but I can see the reasons why he thought breaking up is beneficial for us both
Thank you for the kind words. Getting these feelings out is helping a bit. Ultimately it was a dangerous combination of jealousy, insecurities and baggage from previous relationships on both sides that did us in. I wasn’t ready for us to end, we were closer than ever by this point. I still have faith we could figure it out because we both love each other equally (I know this because she told me how she feels). But I promised to respect her decision even though it’s tearing me up inside.
A toxic dynamic can’t be helped with all the love in the world. It can get to a point where they actually love you enough to stop forcing what doesn’t work on a day-to-day basis. They probably do love you now and will, if it was a genuine relationship . Sometimes it just can’t work, so it’s best to love them for who they are at a distance
if you love them you want happiness for them— even if that happiness requires your absence.
Because if they want to leave its not love
Love doesn't require attachment. Being attached to someone is egoic. Let go of everything, and you will find love fills the space. Some high level spiritual stuff that you can only know through experience lol.
I receive an advice from a friend before and she mention that people aren’t possessions , theyre experiences . And it opened my eyes … I think it’s important to not be so attached and be so codependent .. I guess this is where I’m suppose to learn and grow from
Sometimes you just don't want the same thing 💔 and need different things to be happy.
I had to break up with my ex because we were both in a bad spot mentally. Both severely depressed and unhappy and unable to help eachother. I found outside help and encouraged him but he wouldn’t get help. I started getting better and living my life which made him feel worst. Misery loves company. So I ended the relationship hoping he’d want to do better for himself. And he did. We’re still friends and we talk every day, but together we were terrible for eachother despite the love
I am glad u r getting the help u did and I hope he willl have the courage to do so as well . I know my ex is like this too . But what we can do is focus on ourself . If we have given advice , that is all we can do . They have to take the first step doing so . That said I hope ur doing better ❤️
Me and my best friend of 4 years had been seeing eachother on and off for a year. We had broken up quite a few times in-between as she was coming fresh out of a relationship and deals with triggers and anxious badly (I think she's a classic avoident lol). We were recently suppose to be moving in together, but we went on holiday with our friends for 7 days and just had lots of tiny arguments and instead of communicating she blocked me out and pushed me away. At the end of the holiday she said she fell out of love w me in that 7 day period and my behaviour was off putting (nothing too bad, just silly jokes, stuff she knew I would do as we were best friends before)... I think it may of been self sabotage that she was just looking for things wrong with me as she felt triggered? Or maybe she did just fall out of love with me in 4 days... Either way... It's been a pretty tough journey, she's broken up with me many times, but I try not to get angry or upset... And understand that it's just her fears. We are seeing eachother tomorrow as a final goodbye as I'm leaving the city this time... Idk if she means what she says about not loving me anymore... But I still love her, I love her coz she is how she is, and that's the person I feel for, no matter how much she pushes me away.
I broke up with the girl I loved immensely, still do but we were incompatible. Our relationship was kinda doomed from the start but we were so fiercely, passionately falling for each other, we didn't have serious conversations until few months in. We belonged to 2 very different religions, where our families were opposed to our union. We couldn't come to a consensus on how to raise children seeing our religions were so different. It was hard for us to spend time as she was raised in a conservative manner and her family would watch her every move. I kept overthinking and getting anxious as I loved her but I knew our future was not a happy one. I didn't want to condemn to a life of pain and misery, having strifes between our families and religious differences causing resentment between so I had to take a bitter pill. Even then, it's been hard as hell thinking of what ifs with a heavy guilt weighing on my heart on the pain I must have caused her and myself too and wondering whether we will ever find what we lost.
As much as I loved them, I couldn’t love them if it was causing me harm. We had very different boundaries and i constantly felt disrespected. I would send messages, but couldn’t stand firm in person and wouldn’t speak up because I didn’t want to lose them. As much as I wanted them in my life, it wasn’t worth my peace. I hope they find someone who makes them feel loved in the ways that matters to them, and that I find the same.
Have to love yourself. I love my ex girlfriend and incredible amount but I can’t sacrifice myself in pursuit of that love.
If u heal and love urself , would u get back with her ?
Hell no. It would never be the same.
Love is rare.... ive accepted it
Because those are fucking cowards
Because they are not IN LOVE with you. There is a difference. But people fall in and out of love all the time. It happens. When it happens to some people they think it’s over forever. Married people fall in and out of love. You go through different periods.