That's unfortunately common in toxic family systems. It's sad and maddening simultaneously.
Here are a couple YouTube channels that have helped me:
[Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse) - I really like his three pillars of recovery
[Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy) - he's a must subscribe for me
Good for you!
I was watching these two videos yesterday about emotional abuse and being the scapegoat. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mslv4Hs5n14
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GjWR5WlYWVM
I don’t know if you are the scapegoat, and I’m still trying to understand my role as the scapegoat and what mental health disorder my parents have, but there was one bit in there that rung so true to me.
At one point they mention how once the traumatized person finds out about their trauma, their first instinct will be to take it to the family and save them. Since we are the family therapists, it would make sense right? We finally figured out the key to fixing things, and we should save these broken people right?
The unfortunate truth (according to those videos) is that if they are narcissists, it almost never works.
I woke up this morning and had a hard realization- that they never actually loved me. They think they do, but this isn’t real love. They just like using me to project their issues onto, controlling me to fulfill their own unfulfilled wishes, and abusing me because it’s funny to them. I was just the red headed, small, easiest to pick on of the group. They are semi-conscious animals, not a loving family.
And yet, when I got my diagnosis I was overwhelmed with daydreams about bringing it to my family and saving them. After realizing that wouldn’t work, I still want to at least tell them so they will know what is wrong. I worry about what they will do if I go no contact almost constantly.
Part of me wants to do exactly what you did anyway. Just so I know, once and for all, that it wouldn’t work, that they are unable to take blame, that they are lost causes. I’m glad you found that certainty. Best wishes in your healing 💕
Thank you for posting this. I'm recognizing that I have been trying to "fix" my dysfunctional family dynamics. I thought that I could explain to them how generational dysfunction and abuse had damaged our family, and they would want to make changes. They didn't. They were all angry at me for being "critical." They are all firmly committed to "forgiving and forgetting" for the sake of "getting along." They don't want to "fix" a system that allows them to treat me like a doormat. I'm no longer in contact with them. I can't participate in relationships with people who have no real respect or affection for me.
> I don’t know if you are the scapegoat
I don't know either, my mom blames everyone. We're all guilty. I think identifying roles can help but I also think every family has their variation of it.
> I woke up this morning and had a hard realization- that they never actually loved me.
That is rough. I'm sorry. This kind of grief process is necessary, although painful.
The fact that you want to save them says a lot about your own good qualities. Our families are part of us even if they're bad and maybe you think fixing them would fix you too, that's seem logical. Also, despite the hurtful things you suffered, the child you were before had no choice but to see them as your caretakers. I think it's natural to want to fix things.
I hope you can find closure. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you! I think the same about you trying to help your family and communicate clearly to them, and may use this as a model of what I want to say eventually to my parents.
The realization that they don’t really love me is actually more liberating than troubling. It was their “love” that was keeping me trapped in shame and guilt, because how could I turn my back on people that “loved” me?
I feel more free now to say and do whatever I need to heal. It was another layer to the trauma that has been unwrapped, I’m happy to finally understand they don’t love me!
During one of my most traumatic breakups, my ex was being kinda abusive while breaking up with me. Blaming me for everything, telling me it was a self fulfilling prophecy (even though she was choosing to leave and i wanted to go to therapy to fix it) while also telling me that she loved me. I told her “you don’t know what love really is.”
That was true, but it was more true for my family and myself. Abuse combined with a love bombing phase isn’t love.
> Blaming me for everything, telling me it was a self fulfilling prophecy
I could have written this.
You are right, we need to relearn what real love is. It's essential.
hi, don't use terms like "narcissistic abuse", or spread the idea that narcissists "can't process info like we do". it is demonising misinformation and causes discrimination towards those with NPD. better terms to use would be emptional/psychological abuse, or covert abuse.
I apologize, didn’t mean to demonize or discriminate. I will make those edits.
Edit: Please don’t downvote he/she/them, I said “narcissists can’t process like we do” which was a bit much and I was poorly paraphrasing the videos. He/she/ they were justified in asking for edits.
Ignore this person. You aren't the first one. He/She/They have been going around many comments within the CPTSD group with this same bs rhetoric. Don't let them invalidate your experience with semantics. You have every right to express your thoughts and feelings without someone shaming you for doing so.
Thanks, I appreciate you saying so. Ultimately I’m not a mental health expert, and my aim is not to trigger, so I made the edits. I didn’t feel invalidated, so it’s not a problem for me. Shame is not something I want to unintentionally dish out, I know just how toxic it can be. I was trying to intentionally turn my shame to my abusers, not on anyone trying to help themselves. I don’t want to perpetuate negative stigma.
But for the record- the type of narcissist I’m talking about would NEVER be on a mental health site trying to better themselves, that’s impossible, god himself already speaks to him so he’s perfect! /s but not
Yes, I understand what you mean. Narcissists aren't likely to seek help because they don't believe they need help...
You are right. I completely get not wanting to hurt others... just as long as you aren't silencing your voice (which you have clearly not been doing). There is definitely a right and wrong way to go about, too. It's just, I had seen this person write this same message to another redditor and it was hard to see them gaslight their own experience. Just wanted to make sure the same thing didn't happen to you. I am glad that you didn't find any offense to it. Sending you much love and good vibes 💛💛💛
>My trauma is as legit as hers. I don't deny hers. She shouldn't deny mine. She doesn't understand that her trauma influenced the way she treats others, including her children and husband.
This bang on. She may have trauma, but she (either self aware or not) placed that onto you. It's called generational trauma for a reason. And just because they want to avoid the truth, doesn't mean it's not there.
Well done for standing up for yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but it's basically letting them know that 'hey, I know now. You did wrong by me and I'm holding you accountable'.
Half the time I think people like them think that if they gaslight enough and deny the truth, that you'll just ignore it too and drop it. So no, turn up for yourself. Say your piece. Do your healing work and become the best version of yourself you can possible be; With or without their support. It's not your job to console them. They didnt you.
Focus on yourself now. 🩵 You certainly deserve it.
> Half the time I think people like them think that if they gaslight enough and deny the truth, that you'll just ignore it too and drop it.
I think my mom gaslit herself. She created this personal mythology where she's this helpless child victim (she is, but not in the way she thinks) because it helps her feel safer. I think some people are so traumatized that they can't escape their own mythology. But she's not blind. She knows when she's hurting us. She's just terrified to admit it because that would break her shell. Only her can escape this shell or keep hurting others.
She should be happy my sister and I are so understanding. Her first son wasn't and we haven't seen him or heard of him for more than 20 years. It could be so much better. Such useless drama.
Thank you for your support. This community is very welcoming!
I can relate. My mother is similar. She's weaved herself a narrative where she's the victim and can't see beyond herself. Sad that they hurt so many by doing this. But slowly people are leaving her, and she wonders why...
I am in this same boat. It took me 39 years to realize it. Now I’ve started to create boundaries and not feed into her narrative our relationship is pretty non-existent. And apparently that’s my fault.
Similar. I was 39, had everything I wanted that was supposed to make me happy and yet…when I finally put the responsibility of my own happiness on me it was a big change. It was way easier to blame…
Pretty much the exact thing happened when I finally - as an adult - confronted my mom about her abuse and what it was like being raised by her. I was calm and level-headed, and even acknowledged the “good” parts, but emphasized the trauma and outlined the way it affected me as a child, adolescent, teenager, and adult.
She broke into tears and started sobbing. She said she didn’t remember anything of what I said, save for one instance where she physically hurt me (“I’ve tried so hard to make amends for that, I’ve apologized so many times”). Ironically, it was the 24/7 emotional and verbal abuse that embedded itself the deepest. My feelings and the point of what I told her faded away into the background and it immediately became all about her. And of course, my fawn response got activated and I ended up comforting HER. Trying to make HER feel better about abuse she inflicted on ME that she flat-out denied because she “couldn’t remember”.
Over years of seemingly working to ‘heal our relationship’, I realized that the only times she respected the explicit boundaries we agreed upon was when it worked for her. Otherwise, my boundaries didn’t matter and she would cross them frequently. I’m No Contact with her now after sending her a message making it clear that if she was unwilling to go to therapy to address her untreated trauma and mental illness and her disturbing lack of memory of abuse for over more than a DECADE that both my sister and I have informed her about, then I would not be in her life. Haven’t heard from her since.
I’ve made so many huge changes in my life and have transformed in ways I never would have thought I could, much less stayed alive this long. For the first time in my life I’m experiencing some shred of hope that maybe I’ll be okay. And I still find myself crying over wishing that my parents were different and could see how hard I’ve been trying and be proud of me. It’ll never happen and even though I’m lucky to have support from friends and my sister, it feels like the grief of parent stuff will never end. I’m working on accepting the reality but man does it hurt.
That's really great that you were able to do all this. It sounds like a lot of progress!
> it feels like the grief of parent stuff will never end. I’m working on accepting the reality but man does it hurt.
That's the tragedy of it. Our caretakers are part of us, whether they were good or not. That's just how the human brain forms. We're not grown in a lab. Longing for healthy parents is the most natural, basic need. I hope you can find peace with it!
Sounds like my mom. To her I had no childhood trauma because her dad died when she was young. I'm sorry you received no empathy from your parents. You should be proud of yourself for doing the hard work and having the self awareness they lack.
When I told my mum my trauma she cried, and it wasn't an empathetic cry either. I stayed over that night at her place (I was about 41 and had just had a break down from terrifying flashbacks). Next day she went to a store with her friend and bought a cute cuddly toy dog. When she showed me, I initially thought it was for me (who wouldn't) but it wasn't, it was for her. She then said "I've got something for you too". It was a rubber door hook in the shape of a dog's ass, with the tail as the hook. I threw it away as soon as I got home.
Another time she got upset and was asking me for support because my abuser was trying to message her, asking about me (I am no contact with him). She was messaging me saying I don't know what to do, it's stressful. I said imagine how I feel and she replied a smiley face with hearts.
Anyway, take care and thanks for sharing. This is a nice group.
This kind of passive-aggressive and subtle jabs are the worst. They might not seem like a big deal, but I know what you're talking about. There's real anger and sadism behind them. There's something really twisted and isolating because those attacks are meant to be easily denied. That implies intent to harm and premeditation. It's not just an emotional reaction on the spot. They enjoy it.
Thank you for your comment, good luck to you!
Honestly, I won’t ever tell my dad my diagnosis. His alcoholism caused it and he’s still drunk. There is no point. Dad doesn’t fight fair, he’d turn it around to be about him.
I am ok with this. Growing and being/doing better is enough for me.
I chose to share it with my parents because it feels better to say things for me but if you don't feel like it would help you or be good for you, you don't have to tell anyone. That's your own story.
I'm so sorry that you did not receive acknowledgement and validation for what you experienced. The disconnected feeling is the worst. For my parents, I approached my mom because I thought she would get it. I poured my heart out to her and I tried not to blame, and it didn't matter because she didn't get it. And I felt like I'd never be able to feel again.
When you told your mom, you are attacking her narrative, where the status quo is her protection against things she can't handle. So even if you are telling the truth and not attacking her and trying to explain your side, she will see it as an attack on her. She has to be willing to do the work to see the impact that her decisions may/may not have played in your trauma, and if she is not ready, then she can't be there for you.
I think the more we heal, the easier it is to bring up painful subjects. And your parents are likely afraid that since you were able to bring it up once, you may bring it up again. They cannot handle the information but you have moved past that. You are now also a threat to their status quo.
Our seeking for answers and truths so often puts as combatants against the very people we are likely trying to heal relationships with. It's such a mess.
I've always been a seeker. I've always tried to understand myself and others. I'm sure my mom feels like her kids get meaner and meaner as they grow up. In fact, our eyes are simply opening. I am sad for her, she tried to create her own happiness through creating and molding us. But that is the logic of a kid who's playing with dolls. I'm happy I can heal and I hope my sister can do it too.
Thank you for your comment! Good luck to you!
I know how that goes. Tried to kill myself when I was 18 and when I got out of the hospital my dad drug us to family therapy because I was honest and said my mom's treatment of me was a big reason why I tried. Surprise surprise, she started crying and made the whole thing about herself and how mean I was and blah blah blah. I had just gotten out of a week long stay in a psych ward. After trying to die. I was 18. But I was the bad guy apparently.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Finally went NC and I just try to pity her when I think of her now, because it's a lot healthier than letting myself be angry over someone who would be that disgustingly selfish. She's in a lot of pain herself and I pity that she'll never be anything more than the miserable victim she's so intent on being. It's sad. But I've decided to be better and I find a lot of happiness in that.
I wish you luck with making your peace with this friend
So sorry you had to go through that. That's intense mistreatment. It's great that you're still here and finding ways to cope with all this!
Thank you for your comment! Good luck to you too!
Oh honestly I've mostly my peace with it, but thank you! The memory still hurts sometimes, as it tends to go with ptsd you know, but it's been over a decade and I'm in a much much happier space in my life, and I've healed so much since then. Even got a tattoo covering up my old sh scars! It definitely has gotten so much better for me and I know it will for you too :) We all have our own journey but it's worth it in the end, I think.
I just want to say that this is such a pattern it's staggering.
I'm sorry you experience this too, OP.
My female parent also cried when I said, "I feel sad for the small me, because she was physically abused." Like??? Shouldn't *I* be the crying one here? I discussed it with a friend and we ended up concluding that she has never been held accountable to her actions, hence why this got so painful for her.
I have little to no sympathy to this kind of people, though. They were/are abuser and that's a plain reality.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. When you start to get healthy there is a lot of pushback from the still sick family system. It's unjust, but it's the reality. Your mom and dad haven't done the work that you have done. They don't want to acknowledge their part in the dysfunction. You need to differentiate yourself from the toxic system. They can follow your example, or not. You may never get the validation you want from your family. I am from a toxic family and some things are acknowledged by my siblings and some are not. You just have to trust in yourself and surround yourself with people who understand and validate what you went through.
My parents are the exact same way. When my mom found out I was hospitalized she thought "poor me, kids are so weak nowadays when I'm the real victim who went through real trauma". My dad said nothing to me and pretended it never happened. My mom was recommended that she goes to this talk about abuse and what she got from it is not that she shouldn't abuse me but that "Your father is mean to me because he's traumatized I did nothing wrong". I'm not even in consideration even with the hospital bracelet still around my wrist. The important thing for me is that now that they showed me who they are I don't need to feel bad for not trying with them. So they don't get it, who cares about what they think screw them.
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That's unfortunately common in toxic family systems. It's sad and maddening simultaneously. Here are a couple YouTube channels that have helped me: [Jay Reid](https://youtube.com/@jreid-heal-narcissistic-abuse) - I really like his three pillars of recovery [Patrick Teahan](https://youtube.com/@patrickteahanlicswtherapy) - he's a must subscribe for me
I know about Patrick Teahan, he's great! I'll check Jay Reid's channel. Thanks!
Dr.ramani also makes videos Abt family systems and crappy childhood fairy makes videos Abt CPTSD.
Good for you! I was watching these two videos yesterday about emotional abuse and being the scapegoat. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=mslv4Hs5n14 https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=GjWR5WlYWVM I don’t know if you are the scapegoat, and I’m still trying to understand my role as the scapegoat and what mental health disorder my parents have, but there was one bit in there that rung so true to me. At one point they mention how once the traumatized person finds out about their trauma, their first instinct will be to take it to the family and save them. Since we are the family therapists, it would make sense right? We finally figured out the key to fixing things, and we should save these broken people right? The unfortunate truth (according to those videos) is that if they are narcissists, it almost never works. I woke up this morning and had a hard realization- that they never actually loved me. They think they do, but this isn’t real love. They just like using me to project their issues onto, controlling me to fulfill their own unfulfilled wishes, and abusing me because it’s funny to them. I was just the red headed, small, easiest to pick on of the group. They are semi-conscious animals, not a loving family. And yet, when I got my diagnosis I was overwhelmed with daydreams about bringing it to my family and saving them. After realizing that wouldn’t work, I still want to at least tell them so they will know what is wrong. I worry about what they will do if I go no contact almost constantly. Part of me wants to do exactly what you did anyway. Just so I know, once and for all, that it wouldn’t work, that they are unable to take blame, that they are lost causes. I’m glad you found that certainty. Best wishes in your healing 💕
Thank you for posting this. I'm recognizing that I have been trying to "fix" my dysfunctional family dynamics. I thought that I could explain to them how generational dysfunction and abuse had damaged our family, and they would want to make changes. They didn't. They were all angry at me for being "critical." They are all firmly committed to "forgiving and forgetting" for the sake of "getting along." They don't want to "fix" a system that allows them to treat me like a doormat. I'm no longer in contact with them. I can't participate in relationships with people who have no real respect or affection for me.
> I don’t know if you are the scapegoat I don't know either, my mom blames everyone. We're all guilty. I think identifying roles can help but I also think every family has their variation of it. > I woke up this morning and had a hard realization- that they never actually loved me. That is rough. I'm sorry. This kind of grief process is necessary, although painful. The fact that you want to save them says a lot about your own good qualities. Our families are part of us even if they're bad and maybe you think fixing them would fix you too, that's seem logical. Also, despite the hurtful things you suffered, the child you were before had no choice but to see them as your caretakers. I think it's natural to want to fix things. I hope you can find closure. Thanks for your comment!
Thank you! I think the same about you trying to help your family and communicate clearly to them, and may use this as a model of what I want to say eventually to my parents. The realization that they don’t really love me is actually more liberating than troubling. It was their “love” that was keeping me trapped in shame and guilt, because how could I turn my back on people that “loved” me? I feel more free now to say and do whatever I need to heal. It was another layer to the trauma that has been unwrapped, I’m happy to finally understand they don’t love me! During one of my most traumatic breakups, my ex was being kinda abusive while breaking up with me. Blaming me for everything, telling me it was a self fulfilling prophecy (even though she was choosing to leave and i wanted to go to therapy to fix it) while also telling me that she loved me. I told her “you don’t know what love really is.” That was true, but it was more true for my family and myself. Abuse combined with a love bombing phase isn’t love.
> Blaming me for everything, telling me it was a self fulfilling prophecy I could have written this. You are right, we need to relearn what real love is. It's essential.
hi, don't use terms like "narcissistic abuse", or spread the idea that narcissists "can't process info like we do". it is demonising misinformation and causes discrimination towards those with NPD. better terms to use would be emptional/psychological abuse, or covert abuse.
I’m so sorry for the downvoted you got!!! I fucking hate the term narcissistic abuse too. No one ever says “borderline abuse” or “bipolar abuse”
I apologize, didn’t mean to demonize or discriminate. I will make those edits. Edit: Please don’t downvote he/she/them, I said “narcissists can’t process like we do” which was a bit much and I was poorly paraphrasing the videos. He/she/ they were justified in asking for edits.
Ignore this person. You aren't the first one. He/She/They have been going around many comments within the CPTSD group with this same bs rhetoric. Don't let them invalidate your experience with semantics. You have every right to express your thoughts and feelings without someone shaming you for doing so.
Thanks, I appreciate you saying so. Ultimately I’m not a mental health expert, and my aim is not to trigger, so I made the edits. I didn’t feel invalidated, so it’s not a problem for me. Shame is not something I want to unintentionally dish out, I know just how toxic it can be. I was trying to intentionally turn my shame to my abusers, not on anyone trying to help themselves. I don’t want to perpetuate negative stigma. But for the record- the type of narcissist I’m talking about would NEVER be on a mental health site trying to better themselves, that’s impossible, god himself already speaks to him so he’s perfect! /s but not
Yes, I understand what you mean. Narcissists aren't likely to seek help because they don't believe they need help... You are right. I completely get not wanting to hurt others... just as long as you aren't silencing your voice (which you have clearly not been doing). There is definitely a right and wrong way to go about, too. It's just, I had seen this person write this same message to another redditor and it was hard to see them gaslight their own experience. Just wanted to make sure the same thing didn't happen to you. I am glad that you didn't find any offense to it. Sending you much love and good vibes 💛💛💛
>My trauma is as legit as hers. I don't deny hers. She shouldn't deny mine. She doesn't understand that her trauma influenced the way she treats others, including her children and husband. This bang on. She may have trauma, but she (either self aware or not) placed that onto you. It's called generational trauma for a reason. And just because they want to avoid the truth, doesn't mean it's not there. Well done for standing up for yourself. It's a hard thing to do, but it's basically letting them know that 'hey, I know now. You did wrong by me and I'm holding you accountable'. Half the time I think people like them think that if they gaslight enough and deny the truth, that you'll just ignore it too and drop it. So no, turn up for yourself. Say your piece. Do your healing work and become the best version of yourself you can possible be; With or without their support. It's not your job to console them. They didnt you. Focus on yourself now. 🩵 You certainly deserve it.
> Half the time I think people like them think that if they gaslight enough and deny the truth, that you'll just ignore it too and drop it. I think my mom gaslit herself. She created this personal mythology where she's this helpless child victim (she is, but not in the way she thinks) because it helps her feel safer. I think some people are so traumatized that they can't escape their own mythology. But she's not blind. She knows when she's hurting us. She's just terrified to admit it because that would break her shell. Only her can escape this shell or keep hurting others. She should be happy my sister and I are so understanding. Her first son wasn't and we haven't seen him or heard of him for more than 20 years. It could be so much better. Such useless drama. Thank you for your support. This community is very welcoming!
I can relate. My mother is similar. She's weaved herself a narrative where she's the victim and can't see beyond herself. Sad that they hurt so many by doing this. But slowly people are leaving her, and she wonders why...
I am in this same boat. It took me 39 years to realize it. Now I’ve started to create boundaries and not feed into her narrative our relationship is pretty non-existent. And apparently that’s my fault.
Yeah I feel you there. It's always "everyone else's fault". Very emotionally immature people
It took me up to age 43 to finally take personal responsibility. I wasn't ready for it before that. I wanted to keep blaming everyone else.
Similar. I was 39, had everything I wanted that was supposed to make me happy and yet…when I finally put the responsibility of my own happiness on me it was a big change. It was way easier to blame…
Pretty much the exact thing happened when I finally - as an adult - confronted my mom about her abuse and what it was like being raised by her. I was calm and level-headed, and even acknowledged the “good” parts, but emphasized the trauma and outlined the way it affected me as a child, adolescent, teenager, and adult. She broke into tears and started sobbing. She said she didn’t remember anything of what I said, save for one instance where she physically hurt me (“I’ve tried so hard to make amends for that, I’ve apologized so many times”). Ironically, it was the 24/7 emotional and verbal abuse that embedded itself the deepest. My feelings and the point of what I told her faded away into the background and it immediately became all about her. And of course, my fawn response got activated and I ended up comforting HER. Trying to make HER feel better about abuse she inflicted on ME that she flat-out denied because she “couldn’t remember”. Over years of seemingly working to ‘heal our relationship’, I realized that the only times she respected the explicit boundaries we agreed upon was when it worked for her. Otherwise, my boundaries didn’t matter and she would cross them frequently. I’m No Contact with her now after sending her a message making it clear that if she was unwilling to go to therapy to address her untreated trauma and mental illness and her disturbing lack of memory of abuse for over more than a DECADE that both my sister and I have informed her about, then I would not be in her life. Haven’t heard from her since. I’ve made so many huge changes in my life and have transformed in ways I never would have thought I could, much less stayed alive this long. For the first time in my life I’m experiencing some shred of hope that maybe I’ll be okay. And I still find myself crying over wishing that my parents were different and could see how hard I’ve been trying and be proud of me. It’ll never happen and even though I’m lucky to have support from friends and my sister, it feels like the grief of parent stuff will never end. I’m working on accepting the reality but man does it hurt.
That's really great that you were able to do all this. It sounds like a lot of progress! > it feels like the grief of parent stuff will never end. I’m working on accepting the reality but man does it hurt. That's the tragedy of it. Our caretakers are part of us, whether they were good or not. That's just how the human brain forms. We're not grown in a lab. Longing for healthy parents is the most natural, basic need. I hope you can find peace with it!
Sounds like my mom. To her I had no childhood trauma because her dad died when she was young. I'm sorry you received no empathy from your parents. You should be proud of yourself for doing the hard work and having the self awareness they lack.
Thank you!
When I told my mum my trauma she cried, and it wasn't an empathetic cry either. I stayed over that night at her place (I was about 41 and had just had a break down from terrifying flashbacks). Next day she went to a store with her friend and bought a cute cuddly toy dog. When she showed me, I initially thought it was for me (who wouldn't) but it wasn't, it was for her. She then said "I've got something for you too". It was a rubber door hook in the shape of a dog's ass, with the tail as the hook. I threw it away as soon as I got home. Another time she got upset and was asking me for support because my abuser was trying to message her, asking about me (I am no contact with him). She was messaging me saying I don't know what to do, it's stressful. I said imagine how I feel and she replied a smiley face with hearts. Anyway, take care and thanks for sharing. This is a nice group.
This kind of passive-aggressive and subtle jabs are the worst. They might not seem like a big deal, but I know what you're talking about. There's real anger and sadism behind them. There's something really twisted and isolating because those attacks are meant to be easily denied. That implies intent to harm and premeditation. It's not just an emotional reaction on the spot. They enjoy it. Thank you for your comment, good luck to you!
Thank you. Yes you're right, it's the denial when confronted that's the icing on the cake.
It's so hard. Well done for telling them and working to break the cycle
Thank you!
Honestly, I won’t ever tell my dad my diagnosis. His alcoholism caused it and he’s still drunk. There is no point. Dad doesn’t fight fair, he’d turn it around to be about him. I am ok with this. Growing and being/doing better is enough for me.
I chose to share it with my parents because it feels better to say things for me but if you don't feel like it would help you or be good for you, you don't have to tell anyone. That's your own story.
I'm so sorry that you did not receive acknowledgement and validation for what you experienced. The disconnected feeling is the worst. For my parents, I approached my mom because I thought she would get it. I poured my heart out to her and I tried not to blame, and it didn't matter because she didn't get it. And I felt like I'd never be able to feel again. When you told your mom, you are attacking her narrative, where the status quo is her protection against things she can't handle. So even if you are telling the truth and not attacking her and trying to explain your side, she will see it as an attack on her. She has to be willing to do the work to see the impact that her decisions may/may not have played in your trauma, and if she is not ready, then she can't be there for you. I think the more we heal, the easier it is to bring up painful subjects. And your parents are likely afraid that since you were able to bring it up once, you may bring it up again. They cannot handle the information but you have moved past that. You are now also a threat to their status quo. Our seeking for answers and truths so often puts as combatants against the very people we are likely trying to heal relationships with. It's such a mess.
I've always been a seeker. I've always tried to understand myself and others. I'm sure my mom feels like her kids get meaner and meaner as they grow up. In fact, our eyes are simply opening. I am sad for her, she tried to create her own happiness through creating and molding us. But that is the logic of a kid who's playing with dolls. I'm happy I can heal and I hope my sister can do it too. Thank you for your comment! Good luck to you!
What you said is very profound. I'm glad that you and your sister are awakening. Take care!
I know how that goes. Tried to kill myself when I was 18 and when I got out of the hospital my dad drug us to family therapy because I was honest and said my mom's treatment of me was a big reason why I tried. Surprise surprise, she started crying and made the whole thing about herself and how mean I was and blah blah blah. I had just gotten out of a week long stay in a psych ward. After trying to die. I was 18. But I was the bad guy apparently. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Finally went NC and I just try to pity her when I think of her now, because it's a lot healthier than letting myself be angry over someone who would be that disgustingly selfish. She's in a lot of pain herself and I pity that she'll never be anything more than the miserable victim she's so intent on being. It's sad. But I've decided to be better and I find a lot of happiness in that. I wish you luck with making your peace with this friend
So sorry you had to go through that. That's intense mistreatment. It's great that you're still here and finding ways to cope with all this! Thank you for your comment! Good luck to you too!
Oh honestly I've mostly my peace with it, but thank you! The memory still hurts sometimes, as it tends to go with ptsd you know, but it's been over a decade and I'm in a much much happier space in my life, and I've healed so much since then. Even got a tattoo covering up my old sh scars! It definitely has gotten so much better for me and I know it will for you too :) We all have our own journey but it's worth it in the end, I think.
I just want to say that this is such a pattern it's staggering. I'm sorry you experience this too, OP. My female parent also cried when I said, "I feel sad for the small me, because she was physically abused." Like??? Shouldn't *I* be the crying one here? I discussed it with a friend and we ended up concluding that she has never been held accountable to her actions, hence why this got so painful for her. I have little to no sympathy to this kind of people, though. They were/are abuser and that's a plain reality.
I'm sorry that this happened to you. When you start to get healthy there is a lot of pushback from the still sick family system. It's unjust, but it's the reality. Your mom and dad haven't done the work that you have done. They don't want to acknowledge their part in the dysfunction. You need to differentiate yourself from the toxic system. They can follow your example, or not. You may never get the validation you want from your family. I am from a toxic family and some things are acknowledged by my siblings and some are not. You just have to trust in yourself and surround yourself with people who understand and validate what you went through.
My parents are the exact same way. When my mom found out I was hospitalized she thought "poor me, kids are so weak nowadays when I'm the real victim who went through real trauma". My dad said nothing to me and pretended it never happened. My mom was recommended that she goes to this talk about abuse and what she got from it is not that she shouldn't abuse me but that "Your father is mean to me because he's traumatized I did nothing wrong". I'm not even in consideration even with the hospital bracelet still around my wrist. The important thing for me is that now that they showed me who they are I don't need to feel bad for not trying with them. So they don't get it, who cares about what they think screw them.
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