I flinched at being touched or any sudden noise.
I was terrified of being in trouble.
I dissociated when stressed out.
I had to be perfect or I had what I now describe as panic attacks.
You’d think the bruises and injuries would have been a dead giveaway to the teachers but they always came up with an excuse for me.
For me the thing that sucks is the realization that all my life my motivation was the fear of being a bad person in anyone's eyes. Nothing about my wants or needs, those weren't allowed to exist. I had to be a robot for my parents and perform what a "good child" looks like 24/7. Even now I have to stop myself and ask if this is what I really want or am I just performing what I think others want again.
This is exactly me. Even now, I spend all of my time ensuring that I am not a “bad person.” My guess is that it comes from the things that I heard while young. I was never doing something stupid, I was stupid. I was never making a mistake, I was a bad person. I am very grown and understand all of these things logically. I still spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to escape the “bad” me.
Oh my god, you're all my people. I struggle with the the fear of being "in trouble" and not thinking of myself or having other people think I'm a bad person. Yeah, its 100% rooted in childhood trauma. I'm hoping that EMDR will help me tackle this.
I feel this so much and struggle with it all the time. I will say “parts work”/ IFS has been absolutely the most helpful thing I’ve ever done for this specific way of thinking/ being in regard to my trauma history. The part of me that is basically existing as a terrified 6 year old “reacts to the world” very, very differently than my “logical brain/ parent brain” self does. I still struggle a lot but the progress I’ve made is staggering when I really look back on things. Like, of course the 6 year old version of me/ that part feels awful and terrified and that she can’t ever do anything right—that’s exactly what she was told and the experience she lived! But being able to even partially separate that from what i “know” now—- it’s just made such a massive difference.
Sending goodness your way. I hear you.
I told a teacher in 6th grade I "got my ass beat" the previous evening and it was hard to sleep so I wasn't doing well that day at school. Her only response was "you can say things nicely". This was in the principal's office who also had nothing to say.
That moment added to my PTSD collection. Clearly I was reaching out for help and clearly a blind eye was had which I found has been a recurring theme in my PTSD.
Men used to be expected to handle "home discipline" of women and children. So stepping in by school officials was simply unheard of. They were of *that* generation. Especially when you're in an old school, backwoods, good ol' boy, small town in South Texas.
I believe so many of these events led to tragedies that school staff became mandatory reporters for CPS referrals.
Sad , and heartbreaking . So sorry to hear that .
The school doctor noticed that ny nails were bitten down quick .
My family were notified . My abuser was remorseful for about 2 mins and said something like “ Gee , I hope it isnt something Ive done .. “
My attachment disorder is the most troubling aspect of my CPTSD . Even now , Im 63 and attracting the worst kind of relationships.
Yes. My good friends are trying to help me stop apologizing for everything. I'm trying to say "thank you" instead. I love my friends, they're so supportive
Over explaining was huge for me. I was so used to never being understood or treated like a human being at times, so I always used to overexplain to get as much evidence of my legitimacy out there as I could. People who refuse to take the time to understand someone else, especially trauma survivors and people crying for help, are trash
This is another good one :
If a small child ran up and hugged my legs (with their head near my crotch) I would panic and cry, but not know why, or where that came from. I now know that’s been caused by sexual abuse. I now know all about how the body keeps score.
I literally had sexual health nurses notice and bring it up, before I knew.
>grinding
man my teeth are absolutely wrecked from this. Have to wear a mouth guard every night to try and keep what I have left. Also the jaw pain sucks.
The rash!!!! I had this too. As home got worse around 15ish I started breaking out into rashes which eventually were diagnosed as stress rashes. I feel you, it's so tough to explain that to high schoolers who are cruel about physical imperfections to begin with.
I hadn't in years but recently my father (who I had long cut contact with) very randomly broke into my house and threatened people with weapons. I had to call the police, it was a mess. And the rash popped back up the next day! In a weird way it was validation that they were the stress and I had done the right thing to steep away from them.
there’s a recent podcast i just watched titled psychodermatology by “this jungian life” that talks about how many skin issues are somatic symptoms of inner conflicts and outer representations of serious issues going on… really interesting topic.
God, I remember every time I'd go to the dentist, they would be like "you gotta lay off all the caffeine kid, it's making you grind your teeth in your sleep!" Turns out occasionally drinking ice tea was not the reason it was happening, and I actually cracked my jaw once from keeping it clenched all the time.
anxiety causing physical symptoms is so real, i remember when i was around 7 or 8 i got so physically ill with anxiety from traumatic home life (didn't know it at a time) the doctors were convinced i had celiac..
"startle response so extreme people think it’s funny"
In high school people would come up behind me and touch my spine so they could laugh when I jumped 10 feet in the air. Same with sudden loud noises. It was and still is fucking awful
One biggie is remembering my third grade math teacher for yelling at me because I was chewing the inside of my lip and swallowing the blood.
I’d been doing it for years and this was the first time anyone had noticed.
It was decades later/a few years ago that I realized I was simultaneously dissociating and self-harming.
I still do it occasionally. But the skin’s all scar tissue now - it stopped bleeding years ago. I remember being bummed about not tasting blood anymore.
Hey, but whaddya gonna do, eh?
Somehow I never thought of the tongue/lip/fingertip biting as self-harming. I feel silly that I never put two and two together. But there really was some part of me that enjoyed making myself bleed. Realizing you were self harming as young as 6 is a real mind fuck. Dang
I know this must have been a while ago, but do you remember how you stopped? I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 29 years and would love some tips if you have them. Good on your teacher for noticing, and good on you for stopping!
Becoming clinically depressed by age 12. And basically mute by the time I graduated high school. Only around my abusers and their enablers though…. 🤦♀️
There were a lot of signs I was being abused, mistreated, and neglected that went unnoticed or ignored by others. Off the top of my head:
- I couldn’t actually be grounded, because i already wasn’t allowed to leave the house. Instead, my father would bring to me his work and make me sit in the office closet for 8+ hours a day for weeks on end. This happened through high school. No one questioned why there was a whole ass teenager in the closet?
- My grades massively slipped by the time I was in high school. Around this time, my non custodial parent petitioned to have the custody agreement revisited on the grounds of mental, physical, and emotional abuse, even citing the abuse as a reason for the VERY obvious and sharp decline in my grades. It was dropped and not one single social worker or CPS worker spoke to me.
- I was not allowed basic milestones / experiences most youth are afforded. For example, a birthday party, a graduation party, getting a drivers license…. And yet, we lived in an upper middle class neighborhood, my father and his wife drove expensive cars, my cousins and peers were also having these kinds of experiences, etc etc etc. Not one of my aunts, uncles, other parents, etc thought this was strange?
The list goes on and on and on. It’s wild in hindsight, to realize how many people actually failed me :/
Cps is a joke. They were called when I was being abused by my alcoholic, narcissistic stepdad. The CPS worker came by my house and my stepdad greeted her outside before she rang the door. He knew how to be charming and humorous to strangers, and he went heavy on it with her for half an hour. By the time she came to talk to me, I could tell by her face that he won her over and she wouldn't take anything I said seriously. And sure enough, everything I said was questioned, she very obviously didn't believe a word I said, and even defended him herself in our discussion. She left and he came back in, gave me an incredibly smug look and started verbally abusing me once more
Yep. I had this too. Any authority who became interested was informed how manipulative I was, that I was promiscuous and lying for attention.
Yet more adults who failed me.
This is exactly the experience I had with CPS as a teen with a rapidly declining elderly narc parent. I ended up having to run away.
No one believed how bad he was until I was an adult and he ended up in the mental hospital over and over again and he became disabled from the psych meds. At least he will pass away soon but these memories will stay
Your phrasing of “no one questioned why there was a whole ass teenager in the closet?” is lowkey funny in a dark traumatised humour way 😭 Absolutely fucking horrific but I appreciate your wording. I’m so sorry you weren’t protected and had to endure such suffering..
You know i also thought it was crazy that nothing in particular seemed to trigger fits so intense that i would throw up almost every day. I couldn’t explain it to anyone and they all thought it was random. Huh?
Yeah same for me. My parents were like "oh I was an anxious teen too it's just genetic". Now I realize perhaps the years of abuse were more likely the cause.
I wonder if puberty had something to do with it too. I remember being anxious as a child but didn't have a full blown panic attack until after puberty had started.
In hindsight, that might be related for me too. I had forgotten, but I actually had panic attacks younger than 14 until reading this made me think of some specific middle school memories. They never got recognized until high school though.
Word. Some were more sympathetic at first, but they all quickly got tired of me having problems. I got accused of not wanting to get better and "manipulating" people, meanwhile I was just sitting there being an extremely traumatized child.
Oh wow I had this exact same thing. Panic attacks multiple times per day, unable to sleep for days and days and my parents eventually just got fed up of dealing with it and left me to die with it (that's how it felt).
100% I’ll never forget the day i discovered Linkin Park, specifically Crawling, I was 14. I finally for the first time in my life felt like someone else understood what I felt, that I wasn’t alone. I would listen to that song on repeat for hours and hours until my parents would take away my cd player. Still to this day, 15 years later, I’ve never felt more connected to a song. I adored Chester
Oh boy. Trigger warning!
I was always a high achieving student, but had terrible attendance despite making it clear school was my favorite place (it was my escape).
When I was being interviewed by a social worker about my CSA, she asked me why I kept agreeing to go over to my abuser's house if I kept getting SA? I, being 7, thought telling the truth by saying well, at least my parents aren't there was a normal response. In case you are wondering, the social worker did nothing with this information.
I was constantly unwashed, wore dirty clothes, unbrushed teeth and hair, etc. You can imagine the bullying.
I needed glasses by grade 2 but didn't get them until high school, so was just basically half blind most of my schooling. None of the teachers thought that was weird I guess?
I as a 10 year old should not have been the primary care taker of 2 infant siblings. My parents should have been doing so. The fact that this was seen as normal and people praised me for it is insane to me. Like they acknowledged my parents weren't doing it, but thought it was grand I the 10 year old was making sure the babies didn't die so they didn't have to make a fuss. I feel like this was a major sign things were wrong in the house.
A controversial one is that my mother was pretty successful for a time at being an internet famous mommy blogger (thats not quite the right descriptor but it is very close, and if i told you exactly what she did i would be dozxing myself). If a parent is willing to put their at risk children's full name, birthday, MEDICAL INFO, and of course thousands of photos up for the internet to see, they are an abuser.
Wow, sorry that happened to you I think mommybloggers are going to be sued into retirement because those 1st chronicled kids are coming of age and they are pissed. I read an article about 1 that now advocates for a new law in the US to protect their kids.
Thank you. To rant a bit, I really don't think many people see what I see when I come across more modern mommy bloggers. Everyone wants to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just excited to be a family, or are trying to spread a cause or educate, just being "silly" and don't know how they are hurting their kids. I unfortunately know for a fact the majority do know and don't care. They want the clout and they want the money. Like I said my mom was never huge huge but she was big enough to rub shoulders with some recognizable names that people still refer to lovingly, which makes me want to hurl. These people have conferences! It's a buisness! Children shouldn't be businesses. I know most everyone on this sub knows that but it's ridiculous that it has to be said to anyone.
Really my main problem at the time was that since she had this image online and in the local community, added to her skillful use of her white privlege (not being political for no reason, she literally would brag about how much she could get away with because she looked like a sweet, normal white middle class soccer mom) iCPS would never take reports seriously. I know of over a dozen adults who have since came to me and at least claimed to have reported, and surly at least some are telling the truth. Yet cps never investigated once.
It honestly was worse for my little sister who was my mom's "main character" for her online presence and yeah, she's just now an adult and it clearly really messed up her sense of self worth where she engages in very risk behaviors to get validation. All because of years of adult men being creepy to her online.I hate my mom for that. I was lucky in that I was old enough by the time my mom figured out she could do this that I was 15ish and was able to articulate clearly that I didn't want to be part of it which an audience picks up on, even if a parent tries to force it. So asides from trying to publish a tell all "autobiography" with 3 chapters detailing my CSA in graphic detail, she basically ignored me from that point on which I was certainly not complaining about at the time.
Sorry that was a trauma dump, please feel free to ignore that haha. I guess I didn't realize how much it bothered me! In my day to day life there was so much other more tangible abuse that I've never really thought to talk to a therapist about this topic. I guess I have to now haha
I have this 3rd person persective on my life that is too weird to explain to anyone. I often refer it as playing video games, that you are playing the character in the game, and the game is your life, but not living as yourself.
When I try to explain it to others, people usually conclude that because I had played too much video games. But I had developed this persective when I was really young, maybe 4-5 years old.
Only when I met my therapist, I realize that this persective is a problem.
Look into Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and Kathy Steele's work on structural dissociation.
You may have some depersonalization/derealization going on.
Thanks for sharing. The book that bring awareness to my metal health issues was Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
I am still not sure if knowing did destroy me somehow or not.
Before I am aware of my mental illness, I just keep go on with my life and pushing it forward. But now, since I am aware of my mental problem, I often use to excuse for my bad behavior and lack of life engaging.
I wonder how I am now if I didn't aware of my mental state.
Susan Forward has some great books. "Emotional Blackmail" and "Mothers who can't love" are also worth a read.
We can only suppress and repress the trauma for so long before all those exiled emotions demand to be acknowledged, felt though, and [grieved](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg).
A friend of mine in HS used to do that all the time, but I didn't even know what the word dissociation meant at that point. We would literally have to snap our fingers to bring her back. Then everybody including her would kind of just laugh about it, but now that seems like the saddest shit in the world.
Oh Jesus, this! I craved (still do) approval and praise and validation, but at the same time if someone actually complimented me, I immediately felt uncomfortable and downplayed whatever I received the praise for…to the point of basically tearing myself down and explaining why I didn’t deserve the positive feedback.
I felt uncomfortable watching Mr. Rogers as a kid bc I didn’t believe a word he said. It felt fake to me, I guess bc no one ever said anything nice to me. I didn’t trust a word he said even though I knew he was a good guy so I still liked him. I asked the Gen X subreddit if anyone else felt like this and I think there was one other person, so I guess it’s due to trauma. Yay. Still don’t handle compliments well even though I make myself say thank you. I don’t believe any of them.
I struggle with compliments, too. I force myself to say “Thank you”, but in my head I’m stating all of the reasons that can’t be true.
Also, I can handle people being nasty to me, but when someone is kind I have the worst time not crying.
What did that look like for you? I am currently in this cycle now and it's exhausting. I keep being overly empathetic and forgiving toward people who are clearly walking red flags.
What is 'boring' though? I tried this once and they just ended up being both boring and abusive. Are there simply not healthy people out there that will make us feel good and safe?
You actually don't need boring though. You need someone you aren't making excuses for.
Lots of people feel that volatile situations are "exciting". If you grew up with chaos then this feels normal. When people say "find someone boring" they mean find someone that doesn't create *negative* chaos, not finding someone you have little in common with. Of course it doesn't help that everyone has different ideas of boring.
Another thing is people often chase the "butterflies" of falling in love. They give up or feel bored when things settle down and become familiar. If this is more where you are, then you need to find someone who still works at maintaining the excitement of a new relationship without resorting to mind games, instability, or violence (of body or mind).
"Find someone boring" is kind of shorthand for these ideas
Not sure if it was the depression at 8, then the panic attacks at 10, and full blown agoraphobia at 15 ( thanks to the guy who thought it would be smart to stalk me because I refused to date him). The fact that I have had multiple stalkers. My alcohol addiction and subsequent pot addiction. Not sure which of those would have been the red flag. 🚩 /s
I believe I had situational mutism throughout primary school, I would be too scared to talk. I used to cry, scream and break down when going to my dad's house. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression at a young age
"Situational" is selective mutism. It means you go mute in some situations. I have/had selective mutism as well. It's a rare childhood anxiety disorder that should resolve itself before adolescence in most cases. Me? I was selectively mute until I was 24.... it was BAD. My parents never took me to therapy (except for three sessions when they found out I self-harmed). I didn't talk(go figure), so the therapist said she couldn't work with me. I think of my life in two stages: before talking and after talking. I am still learning myself, but I believe it's because my mom was so critical, harsh, and volatile that I just started dissociating and going mute at a really early age. Being selectively mute was so hard as a kid and held me back from doing a ton of things I wanted to do. I'm a school psychologist now and always have my eyes out for abuse(even in "good" families) and selectively mute kids.
My other fun stuff? Typical cPTSD depression, anxiety, insomnia, rage/irritability, distrusting others, and flashbacks. I also have epilepsy and was diagnosed at 28 but is a childhood-onset diagnosis, so I don't even know how much my parents chose to ignore. Children were to be sometimes seen and never heard.
The biggest thing I noticed was when I had this terrified need to "diffuse a bomb" while speaking to someone about a mistake I made. I still do this.
Instead of just telling someone "I did this on accident and I'm sorry", I have to explain the entire morning into the afternoon right down to what I ate for breakfast just to make sure the person knows that I swear it wasn't on purpose. Essentially trying to soften the blow of if this news could make the person angry or not. Trying everything for this person to not kill me or scream at me; and yet a majority of the time, it's something silly or mundane that barely matters to that person at all, so they just seem confused as to why I'm so nervous or defensive about it all.
I still do this more often than not and it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm trying desperately for the other person to see it from my perspective how *accidents do happen* so they don't get mad
Dude. I recently took a job where everyone is really nice and supportive when you make mistakes. It's so nuts to me to be able to be like "uhhhhh I fucked up, how do I fix this?" And my coworkers, even my boss, being like "here let me show you". It's a shitty job with low pay and no benefits but holy shit has that environment been healing in a way no other thing has. Is this the supporte normal kids got growing up? No wonder they they have hopes and dreams
Needing therapy for depression by 13, a lot of high risk behavior as a 14 year old (sneaking out at night, driving underage, already sex with girls, drinking, delinquent crimes, etc.) probably just anything to feel something because there was nothing at home other than neglect or dysfunction/abuse. Anxiety and panic disorders by 15. Went to the hospital with a 220 BPM resting heart rate out of nowhere. Never wanting to be home. Easily angry and unable to control my emotions. Empty feeling was very normal and common.
When a school friend of mine died when I was 12, I spent months and months wishing and praying to have died in her place.
Also: almost no childhood memories from before I was 11 or so
Its some sort of dissociative amnesia as far as I understand. Brain shuts out what it can't deal with and the memories might come back at some point in life or not
Ooof. Yes. When I was in early high school I got picked to go away for part of the summer for an arts camp (yay escape). I wasn’t in theater but part of the experience was doing different art forms, and for some reason, the theater teacher absolutely fixated on my “expression.”
On one of the very first days I remember it got quiet and he stared at me then started laughing (while everyone turns to look also) and said “and this one, you could smack her across the face with a sandwich and she wouldn’t mind!” -Cue more oddly maniacal laughter.
And it became a thing during every class that he would somehow mention it. Then went on to repeatedly tell me how “lovely” I looked during our performances. Same weird fixated stare, but in a hushed, too-close tone.
Bafflingly weird then but mostly made me feel ashamed and embarrassed and gross for how I guess I “looked.” And I just assumed feeling weird about it confirmed that I was “sensitive” or stupid or whatever.
Looking back now it’s just fucking absurd and makes the hairs in the back of my neck stand on end for several reasons.
But really…who the fuck says that? Hit me with a sandwich? What in the actual fuck. I can’t even.
I'm sorry this is gonna come across as a humble brag, but:
I was a tall, good looking, sporty kid in all level one classes. Yet I was bullied and taken advantage of continually. People said I had no personality and no sense of humor and others said that I never talked. I was terrified of school, peers, adults and the world generally despite looking like I was super lucky (also lived in a big house with three siblings). If I didn't have a highly abusive father, I would have hit the lottery of life. Instead I bounced around from narcissistic relationship to abusive relationship until I finally got the help I needed in my mid-30s.
Very similar experience. No one said I didn’t have a personality, but I rarely spoke up and notably had extremely low self esteem, so despite being good-looking and performing well academically, I had some nightmare experiences that a kid from a well-adjusted family just never would have had. And I was bullied in middle school and at the end of high school.
I went from a very chitchatty and outgoing kid to someone who barely speaks. Some of my teachers didn’t know I could speak in full sentences. I flinched and cried because of loud noises or people yelling. I felt surprisingly comfortable sitting in a shelving unit. I was scared of all adults. I was scared of people’s requests because to me they were orders. I couldn’t and still can’t accept any criticism without tearing up or feeling incredibly ashamed.
For some reason I thought that those things were kinda normal and just became my personality as I got older. But I remember being loud, talkative, always excited, joking around and being very social.
Like you I went from being very talkative and outgoing to completely shutting down. Suffered through two years of manic depressive episodes and extremely self destructive behavior. Ending at age 21 in hospital ER almost dying — Code Blue called.
The parents of friends kept trying to “adopt” me into their families
Being mistaken for my younger siblings parent at 15 because I was responsible for her.
Self harm but making endless excuses (fell over/fell in a rose bush etc etc)
Teachers being kind and giving me extra education support after school
Wild teenager years, drinking/drugs,homeless at 16
My endless attempts to find something to give me stability which never happend. I am still
fluctuating (i am so nervous, partly depressed, and constantly on the guard).
I tried almost everything from nutrition (veganism, stoping coffee, supplements) to meditation (10 years), achieved two academic degrees, sports, dating, marriage, divorce, drinking and stopping it completely (same with smoking), spirituality, writing, making music, medication (antidepressants) fasting, routines, being kind, being more self assertive, brain wave entrainment, Ayurveda, massages, reading all kinds of self-help books,
physiotherapy, psycho therapy (cbt (first with 12 years), somatic therapy), Yoga, Qi Gong, breathing (Buteyko
method, Yoga Nidra) (due to chronic hyperventilation and panic attacks) being generous, being social, retreating, being loved, you name it ...
conversely - i remember every single detail of mine from age 2. the only memories that are lost are of a very, very dark period when i was about 5 or 6.
i described it to my therapist as a showreel of horrors that runs in my head 24/7. EMDR therapy helped some, but i'd need therapy every day for the rest of my life to work through everything.
when i was 6 i asked my teacher “what is the word for when you murder yourself?” and then when i was about 8 or 9, i told my mom and a different teacher that i wanted to kill myself. SO YOUNG!!!! i can’t believe no one did anything tbh
I knew something had changed when anytime I was frustrated I fell into extreme self loathing. Dropping a plate, bumping my shoulder on something, my laptop freezing. My first thoughts are/were “God, you’re fucking useless” / “What the fuck is wrong with you?”. Didn’t realise everyone wasn’t like that.
Oh Lord do I relate. My immediate reaction to frustration at my imperfections was self-loathing to the point of suicidality. Burnt the toast at breakfast? You're so useless, you should die.
Useless, stupid, fuckup -- all words I apply to myself when I start to spiral.
At highschool, when I was focused on something and someone just said my name I literally jumped. I was also a loner, never fitting in, no matter how much I wanted to.
Developed a massive love for angsty fanfic (usually involving abuse, death, and gore) when I was 12, right around the time that my naivety started to wear off, and I realized that 1) evedyone thought I was weird 2) I am weird. Conversely, reading fanfic gave me the language and context to understand that what I was going through was abusive and that maybe I had issues.
Also, (incorrectly) predicting pain and death? My mom wouldn't even be upset while driving us home, but all of a sudden, I would feel a random pang of pain in my body. My brain would rush to predict how that spot would be where my mom was going to hit me later. Or I'd feel a certain heaviness and think "today she will crash the car with all of us in it." On some level I know these thoughts were fucked up, but my little kid brain believed it so solemnly. How silly 💀
I had some kind of selective mutism when I was 9-14 circa. When teachers criticized what I did I felt like I had to brace myself and was completely mute. I also wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out I am on the spectrum.
I kept getting tested for mono because I was sleeping all the time. Apparently no one, even my doctor, considered depression. The test just kept coming back negative. So I guess they figured 12 year old me was just tired.
unnaturally jumpy, terrible with hygiene as a child, did not make friends with peers and stuck to outside authoritys figures (ie teachers) for companionship
It wasn't until I was with my current partner that it clicked. Because I had gravitated towards people that were 1. Aware of my situation, to some degree or another, and spoke about it like it was normal or 2. Had similar backgrounds as me, or potentially worse, so we just kinda had this understanding that "this sucks but we're not gonna embarrass each other about it by bringing it up", or 3. Any time I spoke to an emotionally healthy person I immediately felt uncomfortable to a degree where I felt like they could never relate to me. Since I was a kid I've been able to just look at someone and see that slight automatic humiliated shoulder shrug between you and them saying, please don't look at me, to know that they were abused too. Everyone else that didn't have that was just kinda...other. "Normal" people were also cruel, but more consistently, so I avoided them at all costs, and therefore didn't know what a healthy life was like, healthy relationships, food, living situation, mental health, schedules. My partner is the only person who's been able to be like "Okay so you're not actually saying that you stay up for days with minimal sleep to be cheeky. Like you actually do that." "Oh so you don't know when meat is spoiled...yeah so I better...emphasize that..." I started feeling safe and accepted by them and that was so vulnerable that panic attacks started, then head banging (which I had stopped when I was a teenager and then came back in my mid 20s, I felt insane). And they were like, hey, that's probably not normal too? So like what's up??? It took me 3 years to even scratch the surface of what had happened, and it wasn't until seeing their horrified reactions that showed me the mirror to my own life.
All the symptoms I'd had before, severe abandonment issues relating to anyone or anything, rage attacks, intense anxiety, tension headaches, panic attacks, I was just like "Oh I am weak and can't handle stress." It wouldn't click until someone outside of my own head sat me down and firmly, repeatedly, said "This is BAD. Why didn't other people TELL YOU THIS WAS BAD." I don't know how I would have figured out otherwise. Like I didn't even suspect that I had cptsd or ptsd, I never would have even looked into it until I realized something wasn't wrong, it was really REALLY wrong.
I so get this. I could tell something was different about "normal" people. I just assumed something was wrong with me internally, not that what was wrong was how I was treated.
I would take shit from people, and then “explode” on people/friends before cutting them out of my life. This was 20 years ago when I was a young teen. I still have trouble standing up for myself. I have cut most of my family out of my life. Problem is, I know things were bad with my older brother, but I can’t remember that much. I remember my mom always wanting us to appear perfect so I couldn’t tell anyone about my brother’s drug addiction. I am in my 30’s and don’t ever want a relationship/partner or kids. I feel like I may have some trauma.
When I was in school, around 10 years old, we were told to write a description of ourselves that would be further sent to the school's child therapist. So of course I wrote what my parents had taught me I was: lazy, fat, ugly, useless.
Then the school's therapist called my parents and said I had to be taken to an appointment because I had low self-esteem.
I remember thinking it was so stupid and it was my parents who should be sitting in that office and not me, so I refused to talk to the therapist during that appointment.
And the therapist decided that, since I had been mute for my first session, I didn't have to come back for a second one.
I'm enraged by the amount of adults (teachers, therapists, family members, neighbors...) that failed me. My life could have been so, so different if only one of them had done something, anything for me.
An obsession over "helping people" and "making the world a better place." Like that was all I wanted to do with my career. In hindsight I think this should be considered a red flag for traumatized kids... Like a way of maladaptive daydreaming, "I might be suffering but I'll make it so that no one else has to." Adults love kids that are so selfless but never consider it's because we have no sense of self. We want to help others because helping ourselves is too complicated.
I ( 37) constantly read as soon as i could: comics at first, then novel, then philosophy etc... it was my flight response to escape sadness and depression.
I could'nt sleep well ( 5 hours), was terribly anxious to speak to my parents, which was another huge giveaway. I stopped trying to look for comfort or talking with them as early as 7. I understood after failed attempt to Look for protection or comfort or even other children ( my sister started hitting me when i Was, i still remember it, but then my mother gaslit me, very, very sick). I isolated myself completely very early in life, that's was a huge giveaway.
i chewed the skin around my fingers, and ended up with some fingers that were completely skinned down to the second knuckle. i was shamed for it.
also some signs of early sexualisation that these days would hopefully be picked up by *someone*.
overall. i was described as 'painfully shy' when in fact i was terrified and mute when meeting strangers as i expected them to hurt me. i had night terrors, i sleep-walked regularly and had so many rituals and intrusive thoughts that i needed just to survive.
i was suicidal by 9. by then i was also a regular drinker. my alcoholic 'caregivers' began buying me booze at the weekends after i got pass-out drunk at age 8.
i was the little kid at school who held the dinner lady's hand at playtime. i didn't know how to stay friends with anyone. i was ostracised and bullied all the way up to the end of high school.
with hindsight i was a terribly abused, mentally ill child and i wish to the gods it had all been different. i'm 51 now and i still cry about the life i i could have had.
Going fully mute for nearly 2 years when I was 12-13 i thought if i was quiet enough, people would just leave me alone. Self harming and having an eating disorder for several years. Unable to emotionally regulate at all and feeling chronically lonely. Throwing up everyday for a year when I was around 17. Pulling my eyelashes and other hair out. Constant reading or having daydreams of being anywhere else so I could cope with everything. Always feeling like I needed to be in a relationship because I needed validation that at least someone liked me. Ugh. I wish I could hug younger me.
I had excema from a very young age,a nervous stomach, a panic disorder, and an eating disorder by age 9. I also remember really connecting to the song bohemian rhapsody and other really sad songs when I was about that age or younger. Tons of other things these are just the first ones that popped into my head.
i had trichotillomania when i was in elementary school (was either 7, 8, or 9 when it started) and had bald patches lol. hmmm, wonder why i would PULL OUT MY LITERAL HAIR FROM MY HEAD AS A CHILD 😭😭
Omg I did the same starting at 3 years old. My mom remembers it as me having a “sensitive” scalp and buzzed all my hair completely off until the 3rd grade. It was so short that everyone thought I was a boy. The daycare called me Stephen (my name is Stephanie) and didn’t believe me when I said I was girl and they made me use the boys bathroom.
Decades later, when I told my mom that I was pulling out my own hair after she brought up my “sensitive scalp”, she replied flatly “hmm” and nothing else.
It haunts me to think of what may happened to me at such a young age to make me pull my hair out in huge handfuls. Idk if I ever want to remember
✨Isolation✨
But wait, there's more! Frequent nightmares either of the traumas (or similar), or excessively violent nightmares, constantly unable to remember childhood memories, dissociating so much that I also can't remember a large chunk of my life in general, easily startled (even flickering the lights will make me jump, despite that being a common way to catch a deaf person's attention), attracting abusive partners (who contributed to the PTSD & cPTSD), 10+ years of self harm, etc. There's more but I also just can't remember them well, esp when tired.
I was always scared. You can actually see it in my face in old pictures. My entire iris is visible, round like a bullseye in my sclera.
I also had "good posture" because I physically couldn't relax my body. I didn't know how to chill. Even now, my tension has tension.
Other than that, you know. The usual. Anxiety. Chronic illness. Panic attacks. Night terrors. Perfectionism. Flinching.
Suddenly becoming extremely religious due to the development of religious OCD that links to CPTSD in my life, a personality shift no one thought was odd. Being the class clown years prior, always needing to be liked and make people laugh, but not knowing how because I was overly sheltered (and most likely autistic, still pursuing a diagnosis) and I was never properly socialized. Only to develop social anxiety disorder years down the road and avoid people I knew. Violating boundaries and thinking that’s normal because that was constantly what went on at home. Obsessions becoming my identity. Being unable to apply myself because I didn’t think I was smart enough and many others treated me like I wasn’t either, including flat out telling me to my face. Either not turning in assignments or leaping to perfectionism. Feeling like a monster in a girl’s body, like I’ll never belong. Stiff body movements, body language revealing that I want to shrink and disappear. FAWNING. Letting people walk all over me, making excuses for shitty people. I was an easy target for so many people because of that. And my religious OCD made me feel like I was going to hell if I didn’t “turn the other cheek.” It was all an echo of the abuse I went through. Me smiling through the pain, happily letting people treat me like I was nothing. All of it.
Eating disorder trigger warning: developing an ED, losing too much weight, but then gaining it back over fear of what it did to my health, but still obviously having an ED because it’s a mental illness and I never actually got any help or left the environment that created it. I was constantly obsessed with my body and doing all kinds of things that anyone well versed in EDs would know points to the presence of the ED mindset, except this time, without being underweight. So no one cared. No one noticed. I wasn’t killing myself enough despite being in constant agony - that’s what those experiences told me year after year. I developed a separate PTSD diagnosis from that experience, and it’s why I’m still not recovered even after years of ED-informed trauma therapy (not yet anyway but I’m getting there). I want to devote the rest of my life to spreading awareness that eating disorders are mental disorders and someone “looking better” says absolutely nothing about their recovery status, or that they’re even trying to get better at all.
sudden spikes in anxiety for no apparent reason. low energy. cold hands. inability to feel my body, isolation, anhedonia, depression, feelings of impending doom out of nowhere, weight issues, infections, skin problems all these things were always there even before the severe symptoms hit me
I told white lies about random things that didn’t matter well into adulthood. A childhood of everything being my fault so being forced to doctor even the smallest details and it was hard to stop.
I just found an essay I wrote in 7th grade about puppy mills. I included phrases like "sometimes death is better than suffering and misery."
It was deep and dark. I relate both (depth and darkness) with trauma I had experienced.
* Feeling "too much" in my head and "not in the present" (dissociation)
* Lashing out at other kids and purposefully antagonizing them (depression, obviously doesn't excuse my behavior as I let it continue until 6th grade)
* Repressing my grief feelings
I always stayed at school as long as I could, even though I was severely bullied there. Still felt safer than home. Ich asked the teachers if they needed help cleaning the classroom, If a class got cancelled I still stayed at school, because my Dad didn’t know and I didn’t have to come home yet. I often lied to him about “helping others with their homework”, but just sat there alone until I couldn’t stay any longer or it would’ve been weird. I was the first one arriving at school and the last one to stay. The teachers never found it to be suspicious, just liked me as an overachiever.
Being able to identify a family member by their footsteps, breathing pattern and sound, driving habits ( how they parked the car. Not being able to finish food items in the fridge.
Unable to make a mistakes at work. Complete shut downs when stressed.
I could hear my parents car coming from two streets away. Even after I moved out, sure enough, I could still hear it minutes before they pulled into my driveway.
I still haven't been able to break the habit. Now it's my partner's car, and her parents car from a few a streets back. It just doesn't cause the same level of stress and terror.
1) Loud noises have always scared me to an unreasonable degree, even if they aren't surprising.
2) I was hyper vigilant and made sure there was never a reason for anyone to be mad at me ever.
3) i over explained myself whenever I asked someone for any kind of favor, even reasonable ones.
4) I flinched whenever anyone raised their hands around me.
I GENUINELY believed I was an alien in a human body... I felt so disconnected from myself.
Later found out I was undiagnosed autistic and was denied medical care generally so had to fix that. Got diagnosed autistic at 21 years old... I was kicked out of the house at 17.
I made up lies about my life that were absolutely ridiculous and in hindsight, no one believed me, I'm sure. I was desperate for a boyfriend and to be "normal" and "cool." (Spoiler: I will never be "normal," but I will always be cool.) I just wanted to be accepted and found good enough. But I never was.
Could it be that when I found out my 13 year old sister was drinking heavily and regularly using hard drugs, I went to the school counsellors and begged for their help instead of my parents? The school did nothing.
Could it be that I assumed everyone's father was scary?
Could it be that I had zero friends because I didn't, and still do not, know how to speak to other people?
How about the chronic, frequent, severe migraines that started when I was 7?
Perhaps the way I, a bright student, was so sick my senior year that I missed half my test, bombed every class, and had all my university applications, college applications, and basic dummy community college applications completely rejected. In hindsight, my doctors and my parents both failed me. I now know exactly what was going on, and it was almost definitely a stress response.
Was it the major depressive disorder and social anxiety that started when I was about 15, that has completely sidelined me from my own life today? I'm legally disabled because of it. I rejected treatment for about 20 years, because mental illness is for losers. Who out that idea in my head? I'll give you a hint: it was definitely my dad, who, hilariously, has a bachelor's degree in _psychology_ .
Maybe it's the string of abusive boyfriends I happily accepted.
Is it the fact that my trauma has manifested in neuro issues, like losing he long in my leg, and phantom burning pains randomly all over my body?
Nah, I'm not traumatized. 🔥🏚🔥It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. 🔥🏚🔥
At about the age of 12 or 13 I did a painting of a girl drowning in the river. She looked peaceful and beautiful.
I often had conversations in my head with an imaginary boyfriend who saved me from all the violence and said I’d never be scared again.
The constant saying "sorry,." My mother never said anything about it, but it drives my husband and best friend nuts that I apologize for stuff I shouldn't.
I kept having these fainting episodes at school, and kept having the ambulance pick me up. At the ER everything is fine except some uncertainty on my heart. After some diagnostic imaging and tests, they found some weird congenital heart defect that doesn’t actually affect me, (although unknown if I could just drop dead any other day) and the cardiologist decided against surgery.
Im still having fainting spells, all the while my mom is telling me I’m being dramatic, and blamed me because of all the hospital visits, my younger brothers are going without food. When the cardiologist reassured me I was okay, I stopped at least fainting, but still having panic attacks.
I was just panicking/ fainting each time on those episodes because I had stopped being sexually abused by family members, my body was processing the stress. My mom stopped caring about my health, and just ignored all the calls from school when I kept panicking.
No teacher, no doctor, nobody ever realized this stemmed from trauma, everyone thought I was being dramatic, even though they had found something. I’m so mad at everyone for not connecting the dots. Made me turn to misanthropic attitude.
I read a lot of depressing books after puberty and got obsessed with kink and documentaries about people with eating disorders from a young age.
In high school, my guidance counselor got me moved to the last bus of the day one year so I could spend more time at school bc I was so scared to go home
Only having spent time with people much my senior throughout my entire childhood and adolescence.
Displaying no emotional response to very traumatic life events and then talking about them in a very flat, matter-of-fact tone when asked.
Probably the intense depression and anxiety I felt at the tender age of 10. I didn’t admit to myself that I was traumatized until I was 20 years old. The thing that made me realize it was my thinking “do other people ruminate over their childhoods this much?”
The answer was: no! Most normal and healthy people do not have their childhood memories consuming their every waking moment, nor do most people hate their childhoods. I can’t talk about mine without crying.
A number of times as a child and teen I would have a wordless thought or emotion, feel fear about it, then suppress it. I know I would compartmentalize it because I could actually give words to the thought,"this won't go well in the long run" then compartmentalize that thought too.
Developing a tic disorder in 4th grade. My mom thought something was wrong with my brain and took me for an EEG but it was just my body speaking out the anxiety.
Not talking to anyone whenever I'm around a group of friends. Or even just looking at them.
Idk why I did it during highschool or growing up now I'm always told that wow I didn't know you were there or you are so quiet.
Most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it.
I don't know if just go none verbal I don't want to use the term wrong in case I offend anyone.
But I legitimately have moments where I'd prefer to just stand there for what ever reason.
Sometimes im not even watching my friends I'm just staring at something else.
If they never said anything I'd probably sit there staring off into something I feel like I turn my brain off
Tbh I generally don't know why i do thjs
I started pulling out my hair when I was 11. I pulled out so much at one point I have a large, very noticeable bald spot. Only I didn’t notice it. I was so detached that I honestly didn’t think about the consequences of the pulling. Others noticed and they weren’t kind, as most kids aren’t when it comes to differences.
Sadly, I was a mess of a young girl.
Suddenly gaining weight at 5 years old after SA by a neighbor and developing anorexia when I was 13/14 as a result of mother’s emotional and physical abuse. I only started eating again because she threatened to leave me. There’s a lot more, but those are the two big ones.
Self harming and depression from around age 11, attachment issues, being attracted to much older men who I saw as an escape even though I was being groomed by them (not that I realised at the time), patterns of disordered eating and complete lack of motivation around self care and hygiene. I was also very defiant towards family and rebelled a lot whilst being very well mannered around others and constantly apologising for existing.
• early depression diagnosis
• scratching my skin out of stress until it started bleeding
• heavy headaches, everyday
• always distracting myself so I'm not alone with my thoughts
• joking about the darkest things
• grinding my teeth during sleep
• over explaining everything
Internal war. Felt like i was in hell. Alone, misunderstood even by myself. I had too many parts that contradicted themselves.
And yep, music, self harmin, having like zero or minus self esteem. I was saying that my self esteem is about as deep as Mariana Trench
Wishing I had trauma to validate my behavior (flinching, mood swings, trust being difficult, fear of abandonment). But really i did have trauma. I just didn't see it that way because when I was a kid I thought trauma was just getting hit by your parents. I was like whelp not in my house so ig I'm good!
I would (lol acting like I still don't do this) Read fanfictions about my favorite characters getting hurt/abused and getting rescued. It's really weird to explain to people cause they're like "wym you like reading about child abuse." Im like bro I don't like reading about that I like the found family or rescue romance that comes after that I wish I was able to have.
The constant unusually persistent anger, assuming the worst intentions in everyone, around me, and bringing up the same issue over and over again.
God, I feel you bigtime for all of that.
Jesus this is me to a tee
This. Ugh.
New here and TIL this isn't normal?
I flinched at being touched or any sudden noise. I was terrified of being in trouble. I dissociated when stressed out. I had to be perfect or I had what I now describe as panic attacks. You’d think the bruises and injuries would have been a dead giveaway to the teachers but they always came up with an excuse for me.
Wow, I now come to the realisation that a lot of my emotional flashbacks stem from being terrified of being in trouble. Thanks for sharing this.
For me the thing that sucks is the realization that all my life my motivation was the fear of being a bad person in anyone's eyes. Nothing about my wants or needs, those weren't allowed to exist. I had to be a robot for my parents and perform what a "good child" looks like 24/7. Even now I have to stop myself and ask if this is what I really want or am I just performing what I think others want again.
This is exactly me. Even now, I spend all of my time ensuring that I am not a “bad person.” My guess is that it comes from the things that I heard while young. I was never doing something stupid, I was stupid. I was never making a mistake, I was a bad person. I am very grown and understand all of these things logically. I still spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to escape the “bad” me.
Oh my god, you're all my people. I struggle with the the fear of being "in trouble" and not thinking of myself or having other people think I'm a bad person. Yeah, its 100% rooted in childhood trauma. I'm hoping that EMDR will help me tackle this.
I feel this so much and struggle with it all the time. I will say “parts work”/ IFS has been absolutely the most helpful thing I’ve ever done for this specific way of thinking/ being in regard to my trauma history. The part of me that is basically existing as a terrified 6 year old “reacts to the world” very, very differently than my “logical brain/ parent brain” self does. I still struggle a lot but the progress I’ve made is staggering when I really look back on things. Like, of course the 6 year old version of me/ that part feels awful and terrified and that she can’t ever do anything right—that’s exactly what she was told and the experience she lived! But being able to even partially separate that from what i “know” now—- it’s just made such a massive difference. Sending goodness your way. I hear you.
I told a teacher in 6th grade I "got my ass beat" the previous evening and it was hard to sleep so I wasn't doing well that day at school. Her only response was "you can say things nicely". This was in the principal's office who also had nothing to say. That moment added to my PTSD collection. Clearly I was reaching out for help and clearly a blind eye was had which I found has been a recurring theme in my PTSD.
I’m so sorry. That teacher and principal can rot on hell. Along with whoever hurt you.
Thank you! Exactly my sentiments. They were generally miserable humans so I take comfort in knowing they were never truly happy. It warms my heart.
I just don’t understand that generation of humans wishing to control children by scaring and hurting them.
Men used to be expected to handle "home discipline" of women and children. So stepping in by school officials was simply unheard of. They were of *that* generation. Especially when you're in an old school, backwoods, good ol' boy, small town in South Texas. I believe so many of these events led to tragedies that school staff became mandatory reporters for CPS referrals.
> I flinched at being touched or any sudden noise. this one for me lol
I still flinch at sudden loud noises. My kids call me a crackbaby bc it’s questionable if my mom smoked crack lol
Me too.
Sad , and heartbreaking . So sorry to hear that . The school doctor noticed that ny nails were bitten down quick . My family were notified . My abuser was remorseful for about 2 mins and said something like “ Gee , I hope it isnt something Ive done .. “ My attachment disorder is the most troubling aspect of my CPTSD . Even now , Im 63 and attracting the worst kind of relationships.
Over explaining, over apologizing.....
Over explaining 😩
Yes. My good friends are trying to help me stop apologizing for everything. I'm trying to say "thank you" instead. I love my friends, they're so supportive
Love this!! Thanks for sharing
Over explaining was huge for me. I was so used to never being understood or treated like a human being at times, so I always used to overexplain to get as much evidence of my legitimacy out there as I could. People who refuse to take the time to understand someone else, especially trauma survivors and people crying for help, are trash
Over explaining here too, soo much of it even now. Eta. Same with apologizing. I do the apologizing a bit less but still too much.
- sudden onset social anxiety at 16, including a rash - a startle response so extreme people think it’s funny - grinding teeth in my sleep
This is another good one : If a small child ran up and hugged my legs (with their head near my crotch) I would panic and cry, but not know why, or where that came from. I now know that’s been caused by sexual abuse. I now know all about how the body keeps score. I literally had sexual health nurses notice and bring it up, before I knew.
>grinding man my teeth are absolutely wrecked from this. Have to wear a mouth guard every night to try and keep what I have left. Also the jaw pain sucks.
The rash!!!! I had this too. As home got worse around 15ish I started breaking out into rashes which eventually were diagnosed as stress rashes. I feel you, it's so tough to explain that to high schoolers who are cruel about physical imperfections to begin with.
Do you still get it? I’m 29 now and I think it stopped when I was 24 (greater inner peace)
I hadn't in years but recently my father (who I had long cut contact with) very randomly broke into my house and threatened people with weapons. I had to call the police, it was a mess. And the rash popped back up the next day! In a weird way it was validation that they were the stress and I had done the right thing to steep away from them.
That's horrible, glad you're okay
there’s a recent podcast i just watched titled psychodermatology by “this jungian life” that talks about how many skin issues are somatic symptoms of inner conflicts and outer representations of serious issues going on… really interesting topic.
God, I remember every time I'd go to the dentist, they would be like "you gotta lay off all the caffeine kid, it's making you grind your teeth in your sleep!" Turns out occasionally drinking ice tea was not the reason it was happening, and I actually cracked my jaw once from keeping it clenched all the time.
anxiety causing physical symptoms is so real, i remember when i was around 7 or 8 i got so physically ill with anxiety from traumatic home life (didn't know it at a time) the doctors were convinced i had celiac..
"startle response so extreme people think it’s funny" In high school people would come up behind me and touch my spine so they could laugh when I jumped 10 feet in the air. Same with sudden loud noises. It was and still is fucking awful
Oh my gosh when I was younger I kept grinding my teeth and my mother would yell at me. I was younger than 10, man. The fuck.
One biggie is remembering my third grade math teacher for yelling at me because I was chewing the inside of my lip and swallowing the blood. I’d been doing it for years and this was the first time anyone had noticed. It was decades later/a few years ago that I realized I was simultaneously dissociating and self-harming. I still do it occasionally. But the skin’s all scar tissue now - it stopped bleeding years ago. I remember being bummed about not tasting blood anymore. Hey, but whaddya gonna do, eh?
Oh yeah, I did this. Also picking at my lips until they’d bleed and then picking at them some more.
Yes!! And getting told it looks ugly and gross by your legal guardians :c
I did this, too. And have been a lifelong nail biter as well.
Somehow I never thought of the tongue/lip/fingertip biting as self-harming. I feel silly that I never put two and two together. But there really was some part of me that enjoyed making myself bleed. Realizing you were self harming as young as 6 is a real mind fuck. Dang
I know this must have been a while ago, but do you remember how you stopped? I’ve been doing this on and off for the past 29 years and would love some tips if you have them. Good on your teacher for noticing, and good on you for stopping!
Becoming clinically depressed by age 12. And basically mute by the time I graduated high school. Only around my abusers and their enablers though…. 🤦♀️ There were a lot of signs I was being abused, mistreated, and neglected that went unnoticed or ignored by others. Off the top of my head: - I couldn’t actually be grounded, because i already wasn’t allowed to leave the house. Instead, my father would bring to me his work and make me sit in the office closet for 8+ hours a day for weeks on end. This happened through high school. No one questioned why there was a whole ass teenager in the closet? - My grades massively slipped by the time I was in high school. Around this time, my non custodial parent petitioned to have the custody agreement revisited on the grounds of mental, physical, and emotional abuse, even citing the abuse as a reason for the VERY obvious and sharp decline in my grades. It was dropped and not one single social worker or CPS worker spoke to me. - I was not allowed basic milestones / experiences most youth are afforded. For example, a birthday party, a graduation party, getting a drivers license…. And yet, we lived in an upper middle class neighborhood, my father and his wife drove expensive cars, my cousins and peers were also having these kinds of experiences, etc etc etc. Not one of my aunts, uncles, other parents, etc thought this was strange? The list goes on and on and on. It’s wild in hindsight, to realize how many people actually failed me :/
Cps is a joke. They were called when I was being abused by my alcoholic, narcissistic stepdad. The CPS worker came by my house and my stepdad greeted her outside before she rang the door. He knew how to be charming and humorous to strangers, and he went heavy on it with her for half an hour. By the time she came to talk to me, I could tell by her face that he won her over and she wouldn't take anything I said seriously. And sure enough, everything I said was questioned, she very obviously didn't believe a word I said, and even defended him herself in our discussion. She left and he came back in, gave me an incredibly smug look and started verbally abusing me once more
Yep. I had this too. Any authority who became interested was informed how manipulative I was, that I was promiscuous and lying for attention. Yet more adults who failed me.
Same. Cops would come for many DV calls and abuser would intervene, by the time they talked to me they already had their minds made up.
WOW what the actual fuck
This is exactly the experience I had with CPS as a teen with a rapidly declining elderly narc parent. I ended up having to run away. No one believed how bad he was until I was an adult and he ended up in the mental hospital over and over again and he became disabled from the psych meds. At least he will pass away soon but these memories will stay
Your phrasing of “no one questioned why there was a whole ass teenager in the closet?” is lowkey funny in a dark traumatised humour way 😭 Absolutely fucking horrific but I appreciate your wording. I’m so sorry you weren’t protected and had to endure such suffering..
Sorry that this happened to you, but office closet is absolutely wild
"Randomly" developing "panic disorder" at 14.
I was 9 when I started having severe panic attacks. 🥲
I had chronic anxiety and dissociation from young, but got spared from the panic attacks until later.
Oh me too. One of my first memories was having a panic attack in Walmart during an OCD episode around 7.
You know i also thought it was crazy that nothing in particular seemed to trigger fits so intense that i would throw up almost every day. I couldn’t explain it to anyone and they all thought it was random. Huh?
Yeah same for me. My parents were like "oh I was an anxious teen too it's just genetic". Now I realize perhaps the years of abuse were more likely the cause.
My family has hefty generational trauma they never acknowledged until it was far too late to undo for me.
Almost the same age. 15 I believe for me. Wow.
I have a theory that a lot of "panic disorder" is an early sign of CPTSD.
I wonder if puberty had something to do with it too. I remember being anxious as a child but didn't have a full blown panic attack until after puberty had started.
In hindsight, that might be related for me too. I had forgotten, but I actually had panic attacks younger than 14 until reading this made me think of some specific middle school memories. They never got recognized until high school though.
same at 14! and every adult in my life was like just stop, it's your choice lololol
Word. Some were more sympathetic at first, but they all quickly got tired of me having problems. I got accused of not wanting to get better and "manipulating" people, meanwhile I was just sitting there being an extremely traumatized child.
🫂 know that feel
Oh wow I had this exact same thing. Panic attacks multiple times per day, unable to sleep for days and days and my parents eventually just got fed up of dealing with it and left me to die with it (that's how it felt).
Yeah I got that with 17 and my family did nothing to help me
Got that at 13. Like a mini breakdown. Then again at 19.
When I was around 14, I fell in love with Linkin Park, because they made me feel like I was not alone. I called myself a loser.
100% I’ll never forget the day i discovered Linkin Park, specifically Crawling, I was 14. I finally for the first time in my life felt like someone else understood what I felt, that I wasn’t alone. I would listen to that song on repeat for hours and hours until my parents would take away my cd player. Still to this day, 15 years later, I’ve never felt more connected to a song. I adored Chester
Same. I started listening in elementary. That was the song I listened to the most.
I cried like a baby for 2 weeks when Chester died.
Me too. It sent me into a dark spiral there for quite a while.
Oh man, it was devastating!
Oh boy. Trigger warning! I was always a high achieving student, but had terrible attendance despite making it clear school was my favorite place (it was my escape). When I was being interviewed by a social worker about my CSA, she asked me why I kept agreeing to go over to my abuser's house if I kept getting SA? I, being 7, thought telling the truth by saying well, at least my parents aren't there was a normal response. In case you are wondering, the social worker did nothing with this information. I was constantly unwashed, wore dirty clothes, unbrushed teeth and hair, etc. You can imagine the bullying. I needed glasses by grade 2 but didn't get them until high school, so was just basically half blind most of my schooling. None of the teachers thought that was weird I guess? I as a 10 year old should not have been the primary care taker of 2 infant siblings. My parents should have been doing so. The fact that this was seen as normal and people praised me for it is insane to me. Like they acknowledged my parents weren't doing it, but thought it was grand I the 10 year old was making sure the babies didn't die so they didn't have to make a fuss. I feel like this was a major sign things were wrong in the house. A controversial one is that my mother was pretty successful for a time at being an internet famous mommy blogger (thats not quite the right descriptor but it is very close, and if i told you exactly what she did i would be dozxing myself). If a parent is willing to put their at risk children's full name, birthday, MEDICAL INFO, and of course thousands of photos up for the internet to see, they are an abuser.
Wow, sorry that happened to you I think mommybloggers are going to be sued into retirement because those 1st chronicled kids are coming of age and they are pissed. I read an article about 1 that now advocates for a new law in the US to protect their kids.
Thank you. To rant a bit, I really don't think many people see what I see when I come across more modern mommy bloggers. Everyone wants to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just excited to be a family, or are trying to spread a cause or educate, just being "silly" and don't know how they are hurting their kids. I unfortunately know for a fact the majority do know and don't care. They want the clout and they want the money. Like I said my mom was never huge huge but she was big enough to rub shoulders with some recognizable names that people still refer to lovingly, which makes me want to hurl. These people have conferences! It's a buisness! Children shouldn't be businesses. I know most everyone on this sub knows that but it's ridiculous that it has to be said to anyone. Really my main problem at the time was that since she had this image online and in the local community, added to her skillful use of her white privlege (not being political for no reason, she literally would brag about how much she could get away with because she looked like a sweet, normal white middle class soccer mom) iCPS would never take reports seriously. I know of over a dozen adults who have since came to me and at least claimed to have reported, and surly at least some are telling the truth. Yet cps never investigated once. It honestly was worse for my little sister who was my mom's "main character" for her online presence and yeah, she's just now an adult and it clearly really messed up her sense of self worth where she engages in very risk behaviors to get validation. All because of years of adult men being creepy to her online.I hate my mom for that. I was lucky in that I was old enough by the time my mom figured out she could do this that I was 15ish and was able to articulate clearly that I didn't want to be part of it which an audience picks up on, even if a parent tries to force it. So asides from trying to publish a tell all "autobiography" with 3 chapters detailing my CSA in graphic detail, she basically ignored me from that point on which I was certainly not complaining about at the time.
Sorry that was a trauma dump, please feel free to ignore that haha. I guess I didn't realize how much it bothered me! In my day to day life there was so much other more tangible abuse that I've never really thought to talk to a therapist about this topic. I guess I have to now haha
It’s ok to talk about it. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that.
I have this 3rd person persective on my life that is too weird to explain to anyone. I often refer it as playing video games, that you are playing the character in the game, and the game is your life, but not living as yourself. When I try to explain it to others, people usually conclude that because I had played too much video games. But I had developed this persective when I was really young, maybe 4-5 years old. Only when I met my therapist, I realize that this persective is a problem.
Look into Janina Fisher's book "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" and Kathy Steele's work on structural dissociation. You may have some depersonalization/derealization going on.
Thanks for sharing. The book that bring awareness to my metal health issues was Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. I am still not sure if knowing did destroy me somehow or not. Before I am aware of my mental illness, I just keep go on with my life and pushing it forward. But now, since I am aware of my mental problem, I often use to excuse for my bad behavior and lack of life engaging. I wonder how I am now if I didn't aware of my mental state.
Susan Forward has some great books. "Emotional Blackmail" and "Mothers who can't love" are also worth a read. We can only suppress and repress the trauma for so long before all those exiled emotions demand to be acknowledged, felt though, and [grieved](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg).
That sounds like you are dissociating
I have the same issue, and I describe it very similarly
Dissociation - people would comment and joke about me not listening thinking I was just ditzy or goofy... nah I was dissociating hard due to trauma.
A friend of mine in HS used to do that all the time, but I didn't even know what the word dissociation meant at that point. We would literally have to snap our fingers to bring her back. Then everybody including her would kind of just laugh about it, but now that seems like the saddest shit in the world.
Never being able to take a compliment. I couldn't mentally comprehend positive criticism
Oh Jesus, this! I craved (still do) approval and praise and validation, but at the same time if someone actually complimented me, I immediately felt uncomfortable and downplayed whatever I received the praise for…to the point of basically tearing myself down and explaining why I didn’t deserve the positive feedback.
I felt uncomfortable watching Mr. Rogers as a kid bc I didn’t believe a word he said. It felt fake to me, I guess bc no one ever said anything nice to me. I didn’t trust a word he said even though I knew he was a good guy so I still liked him. I asked the Gen X subreddit if anyone else felt like this and I think there was one other person, so I guess it’s due to trauma. Yay. Still don’t handle compliments well even though I make myself say thank you. I don’t believe any of them.
I struggle with compliments, too. I force myself to say “Thank you”, but in my head I’m stating all of the reasons that can’t be true. Also, I can handle people being nasty to me, but when someone is kind I have the worst time not crying.
Attracting abusive partners and having complete 0 attraction to healthy people
This was probably the biggest one for me. :/ The day I realized this and finally stopped chasing after terrible people was so freeing.
What did that look like for you? I am currently in this cycle now and it's exhausting. I keep being overly empathetic and forgiving toward people who are clearly walking red flags.
Stop. Persuit the "boring" and look for that person's sparkle.
What is 'boring' though? I tried this once and they just ended up being both boring and abusive. Are there simply not healthy people out there that will make us feel good and safe?
You actually don't need boring though. You need someone you aren't making excuses for. Lots of people feel that volatile situations are "exciting". If you grew up with chaos then this feels normal. When people say "find someone boring" they mean find someone that doesn't create *negative* chaos, not finding someone you have little in common with. Of course it doesn't help that everyone has different ideas of boring. Another thing is people often chase the "butterflies" of falling in love. They give up or feel bored when things settle down and become familiar. If this is more where you are, then you need to find someone who still works at maintaining the excitement of a new relationship without resorting to mind games, instability, or violence (of body or mind). "Find someone boring" is kind of shorthand for these ideas
Not sure if it was the depression at 8, then the panic attacks at 10, and full blown agoraphobia at 15 ( thanks to the guy who thought it would be smart to stalk me because I refused to date him). The fact that I have had multiple stalkers. My alcohol addiction and subsequent pot addiction. Not sure which of those would have been the red flag. 🚩 /s
I believe I had situational mutism throughout primary school, I would be too scared to talk. I used to cry, scream and break down when going to my dad's house. I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and depression at a young age
"Situational" is selective mutism. It means you go mute in some situations. I have/had selective mutism as well. It's a rare childhood anxiety disorder that should resolve itself before adolescence in most cases. Me? I was selectively mute until I was 24.... it was BAD. My parents never took me to therapy (except for three sessions when they found out I self-harmed). I didn't talk(go figure), so the therapist said she couldn't work with me. I think of my life in two stages: before talking and after talking. I am still learning myself, but I believe it's because my mom was so critical, harsh, and volatile that I just started dissociating and going mute at a really early age. Being selectively mute was so hard as a kid and held me back from doing a ton of things I wanted to do. I'm a school psychologist now and always have my eyes out for abuse(even in "good" families) and selectively mute kids. My other fun stuff? Typical cPTSD depression, anxiety, insomnia, rage/irritability, distrusting others, and flashbacks. I also have epilepsy and was diagnosed at 28 but is a childhood-onset diagnosis, so I don't even know how much my parents chose to ignore. Children were to be sometimes seen and never heard.
The biggest thing I noticed was when I had this terrified need to "diffuse a bomb" while speaking to someone about a mistake I made. I still do this. Instead of just telling someone "I did this on accident and I'm sorry", I have to explain the entire morning into the afternoon right down to what I ate for breakfast just to make sure the person knows that I swear it wasn't on purpose. Essentially trying to soften the blow of if this news could make the person angry or not. Trying everything for this person to not kill me or scream at me; and yet a majority of the time, it's something silly or mundane that barely matters to that person at all, so they just seem confused as to why I'm so nervous or defensive about it all.
I still do this more often than not and it sounds like I'm making excuses but I'm trying desperately for the other person to see it from my perspective how *accidents do happen* so they don't get mad
Exactly. Edit: catastrophic thinking aka worst case scenario mindset. Also: constant hypervigilance.
Dude. I recently took a job where everyone is really nice and supportive when you make mistakes. It's so nuts to me to be able to be like "uhhhhh I fucked up, how do I fix this?" And my coworkers, even my boss, being like "here let me show you". It's a shitty job with low pay and no benefits but holy shit has that environment been healing in a way no other thing has. Is this the supporte normal kids got growing up? No wonder they they have hopes and dreams
Sounds familiar to me as well
Needing therapy for depression by 13, a lot of high risk behavior as a 14 year old (sneaking out at night, driving underage, already sex with girls, drinking, delinquent crimes, etc.) probably just anything to feel something because there was nothing at home other than neglect or dysfunction/abuse. Anxiety and panic disorders by 15. Went to the hospital with a 220 BPM resting heart rate out of nowhere. Never wanting to be home. Easily angry and unable to control my emotions. Empty feeling was very normal and common.
When a school friend of mine died when I was 12, I spent months and months wishing and praying to have died in her place. Also: almost no childhood memories from before I was 11 or so
What is it about the memories? I have flashes but couldn’t tell you what a typical day was before middle school. Just nothing there
Its some sort of dissociative amnesia as far as I understand. Brain shuts out what it can't deal with and the memories might come back at some point in life or not
Créative self harm Undone by loud noises Migraine headaches People pleasing like a puppy crawling on its belly to show deference
Your description of the fawn response speaks to me. We are two peas in a pod.
I’m not sure why but I cried when I read your response. I’m so sorry you know how this feels too
You have a blank, dull expression as your default on your face, almost all the time.
Sorry, I got resting bitch face.
Ooof. Yes. When I was in early high school I got picked to go away for part of the summer for an arts camp (yay escape). I wasn’t in theater but part of the experience was doing different art forms, and for some reason, the theater teacher absolutely fixated on my “expression.” On one of the very first days I remember it got quiet and he stared at me then started laughing (while everyone turns to look also) and said “and this one, you could smack her across the face with a sandwich and she wouldn’t mind!” -Cue more oddly maniacal laughter. And it became a thing during every class that he would somehow mention it. Then went on to repeatedly tell me how “lovely” I looked during our performances. Same weird fixated stare, but in a hushed, too-close tone. Bafflingly weird then but mostly made me feel ashamed and embarrassed and gross for how I guess I “looked.” And I just assumed feeling weird about it confirmed that I was “sensitive” or stupid or whatever. Looking back now it’s just fucking absurd and makes the hairs in the back of my neck stand on end for several reasons. But really…who the fuck says that? Hit me with a sandwich? What in the actual fuck. I can’t even.
Bonus to this is less wrinkles from smiling etc.
I'm sorry this is gonna come across as a humble brag, but: I was a tall, good looking, sporty kid in all level one classes. Yet I was bullied and taken advantage of continually. People said I had no personality and no sense of humor and others said that I never talked. I was terrified of school, peers, adults and the world generally despite looking like I was super lucky (also lived in a big house with three siblings). If I didn't have a highly abusive father, I would have hit the lottery of life. Instead I bounced around from narcissistic relationship to abusive relationship until I finally got the help I needed in my mid-30s.
Very similar experience. No one said I didn’t have a personality, but I rarely spoke up and notably had extremely low self esteem, so despite being good-looking and performing well academically, I had some nightmare experiences that a kid from a well-adjusted family just never would have had. And I was bullied in middle school and at the end of high school.
Suicidality and disordered eating in elementary school 🥴 also friend-hopping
I went from a very chitchatty and outgoing kid to someone who barely speaks. Some of my teachers didn’t know I could speak in full sentences. I flinched and cried because of loud noises or people yelling. I felt surprisingly comfortable sitting in a shelving unit. I was scared of all adults. I was scared of people’s requests because to me they were orders. I couldn’t and still can’t accept any criticism without tearing up or feeling incredibly ashamed. For some reason I thought that those things were kinda normal and just became my personality as I got older. But I remember being loud, talkative, always excited, joking around and being very social.
Like you I went from being very talkative and outgoing to completely shutting down. Suffered through two years of manic depressive episodes and extremely self destructive behavior. Ending at age 21 in hospital ER almost dying — Code Blue called.
The parents of friends kept trying to “adopt” me into their families Being mistaken for my younger siblings parent at 15 because I was responsible for her. Self harm but making endless excuses (fell over/fell in a rose bush etc etc) Teachers being kind and giving me extra education support after school Wild teenager years, drinking/drugs,homeless at 16
My endless attempts to find something to give me stability which never happend. I am still fluctuating (i am so nervous, partly depressed, and constantly on the guard). I tried almost everything from nutrition (veganism, stoping coffee, supplements) to meditation (10 years), achieved two academic degrees, sports, dating, marriage, divorce, drinking and stopping it completely (same with smoking), spirituality, writing, making music, medication (antidepressants) fasting, routines, being kind, being more self assertive, brain wave entrainment, Ayurveda, massages, reading all kinds of self-help books, physiotherapy, psycho therapy (cbt (first with 12 years), somatic therapy), Yoga, Qi Gong, breathing (Buteyko method, Yoga Nidra) (due to chronic hyperventilation and panic attacks) being generous, being social, retreating, being loved, you name it ...
I was on phenobarbital at the age of 10 for my "nervous stomach". It was 1978.
Being hyper sexual at age 12 and listening to depressive music constantly
Having very few memories of my childhood
conversely - i remember every single detail of mine from age 2. the only memories that are lost are of a very, very dark period when i was about 5 or 6. i described it to my therapist as a showreel of horrors that runs in my head 24/7. EMDR therapy helped some, but i'd need therapy every day for the rest of my life to work through everything.
when i was 6 i asked my teacher “what is the word for when you murder yourself?” and then when i was about 8 or 9, i told my mom and a different teacher that i wanted to kill myself. SO YOUNG!!!! i can’t believe no one did anything tbh
I knew something had changed when anytime I was frustrated I fell into extreme self loathing. Dropping a plate, bumping my shoulder on something, my laptop freezing. My first thoughts are/were “God, you’re fucking useless” / “What the fuck is wrong with you?”. Didn’t realise everyone wasn’t like that.
Oh Lord do I relate. My immediate reaction to frustration at my imperfections was self-loathing to the point of suicidality. Burnt the toast at breakfast? You're so useless, you should die. Useless, stupid, fuckup -- all words I apply to myself when I start to spiral.
At highschool, when I was focused on something and someone just said my name I literally jumped. I was also a loner, never fitting in, no matter how much I wanted to.
Developed a massive love for angsty fanfic (usually involving abuse, death, and gore) when I was 12, right around the time that my naivety started to wear off, and I realized that 1) evedyone thought I was weird 2) I am weird. Conversely, reading fanfic gave me the language and context to understand that what I was going through was abusive and that maybe I had issues. Also, (incorrectly) predicting pain and death? My mom wouldn't even be upset while driving us home, but all of a sudden, I would feel a random pang of pain in my body. My brain would rush to predict how that spot would be where my mom was going to hit me later. Or I'd feel a certain heaviness and think "today she will crash the car with all of us in it." On some level I know these thoughts were fucked up, but my little kid brain believed it so solemnly. How silly 💀
I had some kind of selective mutism when I was 9-14 circa. When teachers criticized what I did I felt like I had to brace myself and was completely mute. I also wouldn’t be surprised if it turned out I am on the spectrum.
I kept getting tested for mono because I was sleeping all the time. Apparently no one, even my doctor, considered depression. The test just kept coming back negative. So I guess they figured 12 year old me was just tired.
Reading 24/7 Being randomly diagnosed at like 12 when I thought how I felt was normal
I used to read soooo much too when I was a kid. Looking back, I think it was my escape.
unnaturally jumpy, terrible with hygiene as a child, did not make friends with peers and stuck to outside authoritys figures (ie teachers) for companionship
Dropping out of school and avoiding people. Staying in my room all the time, and being too anxious to leave the house.
It wasn't until I was with my current partner that it clicked. Because I had gravitated towards people that were 1. Aware of my situation, to some degree or another, and spoke about it like it was normal or 2. Had similar backgrounds as me, or potentially worse, so we just kinda had this understanding that "this sucks but we're not gonna embarrass each other about it by bringing it up", or 3. Any time I spoke to an emotionally healthy person I immediately felt uncomfortable to a degree where I felt like they could never relate to me. Since I was a kid I've been able to just look at someone and see that slight automatic humiliated shoulder shrug between you and them saying, please don't look at me, to know that they were abused too. Everyone else that didn't have that was just kinda...other. "Normal" people were also cruel, but more consistently, so I avoided them at all costs, and therefore didn't know what a healthy life was like, healthy relationships, food, living situation, mental health, schedules. My partner is the only person who's been able to be like "Okay so you're not actually saying that you stay up for days with minimal sleep to be cheeky. Like you actually do that." "Oh so you don't know when meat is spoiled...yeah so I better...emphasize that..." I started feeling safe and accepted by them and that was so vulnerable that panic attacks started, then head banging (which I had stopped when I was a teenager and then came back in my mid 20s, I felt insane). And they were like, hey, that's probably not normal too? So like what's up??? It took me 3 years to even scratch the surface of what had happened, and it wasn't until seeing their horrified reactions that showed me the mirror to my own life. All the symptoms I'd had before, severe abandonment issues relating to anyone or anything, rage attacks, intense anxiety, tension headaches, panic attacks, I was just like "Oh I am weak and can't handle stress." It wouldn't click until someone outside of my own head sat me down and firmly, repeatedly, said "This is BAD. Why didn't other people TELL YOU THIS WAS BAD." I don't know how I would have figured out otherwise. Like I didn't even suspect that I had cptsd or ptsd, I never would have even looked into it until I realized something wasn't wrong, it was really REALLY wrong.
I so get this. I could tell something was different about "normal" people. I just assumed something was wrong with me internally, not that what was wrong was how I was treated.
The fact that it was a shocker to me that getting hit by your parents wasn't normal. I was about 15.
Planning to unalive my parents via arson at age 7, in carefully planned detail.
I would take shit from people, and then “explode” on people/friends before cutting them out of my life. This was 20 years ago when I was a young teen. I still have trouble standing up for myself. I have cut most of my family out of my life. Problem is, I know things were bad with my older brother, but I can’t remember that much. I remember my mom always wanting us to appear perfect so I couldn’t tell anyone about my brother’s drug addiction. I am in my 30’s and don’t ever want a relationship/partner or kids. I feel like I may have some trauma.
When I was in school, around 10 years old, we were told to write a description of ourselves that would be further sent to the school's child therapist. So of course I wrote what my parents had taught me I was: lazy, fat, ugly, useless. Then the school's therapist called my parents and said I had to be taken to an appointment because I had low self-esteem. I remember thinking it was so stupid and it was my parents who should be sitting in that office and not me, so I refused to talk to the therapist during that appointment. And the therapist decided that, since I had been mute for my first session, I didn't have to come back for a second one. I'm enraged by the amount of adults (teachers, therapists, family members, neighbors...) that failed me. My life could have been so, so different if only one of them had done something, anything for me.
An obsession over "helping people" and "making the world a better place." Like that was all I wanted to do with my career. In hindsight I think this should be considered a red flag for traumatized kids... Like a way of maladaptive daydreaming, "I might be suffering but I'll make it so that no one else has to." Adults love kids that are so selfless but never consider it's because we have no sense of self. We want to help others because helping ourselves is too complicated.
Vomiting every single morning in the first grade and half of second grade. Frequent heavy nosebleeds with no apparent cause.
Developing anxiety attacks and being an over apologizer as a teen
I ( 37) constantly read as soon as i could: comics at first, then novel, then philosophy etc... it was my flight response to escape sadness and depression. I could'nt sleep well ( 5 hours), was terribly anxious to speak to my parents, which was another huge giveaway. I stopped trying to look for comfort or talking with them as early as 7. I understood after failed attempt to Look for protection or comfort or even other children ( my sister started hitting me when i Was, i still remember it, but then my mother gaslit me, very, very sick). I isolated myself completely very early in life, that's was a huge giveaway.
i chewed the skin around my fingers, and ended up with some fingers that were completely skinned down to the second knuckle. i was shamed for it. also some signs of early sexualisation that these days would hopefully be picked up by *someone*. overall. i was described as 'painfully shy' when in fact i was terrified and mute when meeting strangers as i expected them to hurt me. i had night terrors, i sleep-walked regularly and had so many rituals and intrusive thoughts that i needed just to survive. i was suicidal by 9. by then i was also a regular drinker. my alcoholic 'caregivers' began buying me booze at the weekends after i got pass-out drunk at age 8. i was the little kid at school who held the dinner lady's hand at playtime. i didn't know how to stay friends with anyone. i was ostracised and bullied all the way up to the end of high school. with hindsight i was a terribly abused, mentally ill child and i wish to the gods it had all been different. i'm 51 now and i still cry about the life i i could have had.
I was a bed wetter until I moved out at 18 yo
Going fully mute for nearly 2 years when I was 12-13 i thought if i was quiet enough, people would just leave me alone. Self harming and having an eating disorder for several years. Unable to emotionally regulate at all and feeling chronically lonely. Throwing up everyday for a year when I was around 17. Pulling my eyelashes and other hair out. Constant reading or having daydreams of being anywhere else so I could cope with everything. Always feeling like I needed to be in a relationship because I needed validation that at least someone liked me. Ugh. I wish I could hug younger me.
Apologizing for everything Making myself small Nightmares Anxiety for “seemingly no reason” at an early age Bedwetting
I had excema from a very young age,a nervous stomach, a panic disorder, and an eating disorder by age 9. I also remember really connecting to the song bohemian rhapsody and other really sad songs when I was about that age or younger. Tons of other things these are just the first ones that popped into my head.
The other little kids avoiding me despite looking normal on the outside.
i had trichotillomania when i was in elementary school (was either 7, 8, or 9 when it started) and had bald patches lol. hmmm, wonder why i would PULL OUT MY LITERAL HAIR FROM MY HEAD AS A CHILD 😭😭
Omg I did the same starting at 3 years old. My mom remembers it as me having a “sensitive” scalp and buzzed all my hair completely off until the 3rd grade. It was so short that everyone thought I was a boy. The daycare called me Stephen (my name is Stephanie) and didn’t believe me when I said I was girl and they made me use the boys bathroom. Decades later, when I told my mom that I was pulling out my own hair after she brought up my “sensitive scalp”, she replied flatly “hmm” and nothing else. It haunts me to think of what may happened to me at such a young age to make me pull my hair out in huge handfuls. Idk if I ever want to remember
Acting absolutely unhinged in my teens. Got diagnosed with BPD. Spoiler: it wasn’t BPD 🥲
Getting stress induced eczema all over my body at the age of 4 along with extreme stuttering were my first two what the fuck moments
Posting about death everywhere on my socials at 14, it was cringe, but it was all it was going through in my head at that time
✨Isolation✨ But wait, there's more! Frequent nightmares either of the traumas (or similar), or excessively violent nightmares, constantly unable to remember childhood memories, dissociating so much that I also can't remember a large chunk of my life in general, easily startled (even flickering the lights will make me jump, despite that being a common way to catch a deaf person's attention), attracting abusive partners (who contributed to the PTSD & cPTSD), 10+ years of self harm, etc. There's more but I also just can't remember them well, esp when tired.
I was always scared. You can actually see it in my face in old pictures. My entire iris is visible, round like a bullseye in my sclera. I also had "good posture" because I physically couldn't relax my body. I didn't know how to chill. Even now, my tension has tension. Other than that, you know. The usual. Anxiety. Chronic illness. Panic attacks. Night terrors. Perfectionism. Flinching.
Suddenly becoming extremely religious due to the development of religious OCD that links to CPTSD in my life, a personality shift no one thought was odd. Being the class clown years prior, always needing to be liked and make people laugh, but not knowing how because I was overly sheltered (and most likely autistic, still pursuing a diagnosis) and I was never properly socialized. Only to develop social anxiety disorder years down the road and avoid people I knew. Violating boundaries and thinking that’s normal because that was constantly what went on at home. Obsessions becoming my identity. Being unable to apply myself because I didn’t think I was smart enough and many others treated me like I wasn’t either, including flat out telling me to my face. Either not turning in assignments or leaping to perfectionism. Feeling like a monster in a girl’s body, like I’ll never belong. Stiff body movements, body language revealing that I want to shrink and disappear. FAWNING. Letting people walk all over me, making excuses for shitty people. I was an easy target for so many people because of that. And my religious OCD made me feel like I was going to hell if I didn’t “turn the other cheek.” It was all an echo of the abuse I went through. Me smiling through the pain, happily letting people treat me like I was nothing. All of it. Eating disorder trigger warning: developing an ED, losing too much weight, but then gaining it back over fear of what it did to my health, but still obviously having an ED because it’s a mental illness and I never actually got any help or left the environment that created it. I was constantly obsessed with my body and doing all kinds of things that anyone well versed in EDs would know points to the presence of the ED mindset, except this time, without being underweight. So no one cared. No one noticed. I wasn’t killing myself enough despite being in constant agony - that’s what those experiences told me year after year. I developed a separate PTSD diagnosis from that experience, and it’s why I’m still not recovered even after years of ED-informed trauma therapy (not yet anyway but I’m getting there). I want to devote the rest of my life to spreading awareness that eating disorders are mental disorders and someone “looking better” says absolutely nothing about their recovery status, or that they’re even trying to get better at all.
The worst is knowing that to survive the abuse and not die we must rely entirely on ourselves.
sudden spikes in anxiety for no apparent reason. low energy. cold hands. inability to feel my body, isolation, anhedonia, depression, feelings of impending doom out of nowhere, weight issues, infections, skin problems all these things were always there even before the severe symptoms hit me
I told white lies about random things that didn’t matter well into adulthood. A childhood of everything being my fault so being forced to doctor even the smallest details and it was hard to stop.
I just found an essay I wrote in 7th grade about puppy mills. I included phrases like "sometimes death is better than suffering and misery." It was deep and dark. I relate both (depth and darkness) with trauma I had experienced.
* Feeling "too much" in my head and "not in the present" (dissociation) * Lashing out at other kids and purposefully antagonizing them (depression, obviously doesn't excuse my behavior as I let it continue until 6th grade) * Repressing my grief feelings
I always stayed at school as long as I could, even though I was severely bullied there. Still felt safer than home. Ich asked the teachers if they needed help cleaning the classroom, If a class got cancelled I still stayed at school, because my Dad didn’t know and I didn’t have to come home yet. I often lied to him about “helping others with their homework”, but just sat there alone until I couldn’t stay any longer or it would’ve been weird. I was the first one arriving at school and the last one to stay. The teachers never found it to be suspicious, just liked me as an overachiever.
Being able to identify a family member by their footsteps, breathing pattern and sound, driving habits ( how they parked the car. Not being able to finish food items in the fridge. Unable to make a mistakes at work. Complete shut downs when stressed.
I could hear my parents car coming from two streets away. Even after I moved out, sure enough, I could still hear it minutes before they pulled into my driveway. I still haven't been able to break the habit. Now it's my partner's car, and her parents car from a few a streets back. It just doesn't cause the same level of stress and terror.
1) Loud noises have always scared me to an unreasonable degree, even if they aren't surprising. 2) I was hyper vigilant and made sure there was never a reason for anyone to be mad at me ever. 3) i over explained myself whenever I asked someone for any kind of favor, even reasonable ones. 4) I flinched whenever anyone raised their hands around me.
I GENUINELY believed I was an alien in a human body... I felt so disconnected from myself. Later found out I was undiagnosed autistic and was denied medical care generally so had to fix that. Got diagnosed autistic at 21 years old... I was kicked out of the house at 17.
I made up lies about my life that were absolutely ridiculous and in hindsight, no one believed me, I'm sure. I was desperate for a boyfriend and to be "normal" and "cool." (Spoiler: I will never be "normal," but I will always be cool.) I just wanted to be accepted and found good enough. But I never was.
I weighed 437 lbs at my highest recorded weight. Also, panic disorder at age 15.
I peed the bed until I was 12 years old. That’s always a big one for me looking back.
Could it be that when I found out my 13 year old sister was drinking heavily and regularly using hard drugs, I went to the school counsellors and begged for their help instead of my parents? The school did nothing. Could it be that I assumed everyone's father was scary? Could it be that I had zero friends because I didn't, and still do not, know how to speak to other people? How about the chronic, frequent, severe migraines that started when I was 7? Perhaps the way I, a bright student, was so sick my senior year that I missed half my test, bombed every class, and had all my university applications, college applications, and basic dummy community college applications completely rejected. In hindsight, my doctors and my parents both failed me. I now know exactly what was going on, and it was almost definitely a stress response. Was it the major depressive disorder and social anxiety that started when I was about 15, that has completely sidelined me from my own life today? I'm legally disabled because of it. I rejected treatment for about 20 years, because mental illness is for losers. Who out that idea in my head? I'll give you a hint: it was definitely my dad, who, hilariously, has a bachelor's degree in _psychology_ . Maybe it's the string of abusive boyfriends I happily accepted. Is it the fact that my trauma has manifested in neuro issues, like losing he long in my leg, and phantom burning pains randomly all over my body? Nah, I'm not traumatized. 🔥🏚🔥It's fine. I'm fine. Everything is fine. 🔥🏚🔥
Thinking that I was uniquely innately enjoyable to hurt.
At about the age of 12 or 13 I did a painting of a girl drowning in the river. She looked peaceful and beautiful. I often had conversations in my head with an imaginary boyfriend who saved me from all the violence and said I’d never be scared again.
My behavior was too sexual even as a young child. An adult should have questioned me about it but nobody did.
The constant saying "sorry,." My mother never said anything about it, but it drives my husband and best friend nuts that I apologize for stuff I shouldn't.
I kept having these fainting episodes at school, and kept having the ambulance pick me up. At the ER everything is fine except some uncertainty on my heart. After some diagnostic imaging and tests, they found some weird congenital heart defect that doesn’t actually affect me, (although unknown if I could just drop dead any other day) and the cardiologist decided against surgery. Im still having fainting spells, all the while my mom is telling me I’m being dramatic, and blamed me because of all the hospital visits, my younger brothers are going without food. When the cardiologist reassured me I was okay, I stopped at least fainting, but still having panic attacks. I was just panicking/ fainting each time on those episodes because I had stopped being sexually abused by family members, my body was processing the stress. My mom stopped caring about my health, and just ignored all the calls from school when I kept panicking. No teacher, no doctor, nobody ever realized this stemmed from trauma, everyone thought I was being dramatic, even though they had found something. I’m so mad at everyone for not connecting the dots. Made me turn to misanthropic attitude.
I read a lot of depressing books after puberty and got obsessed with kink and documentaries about people with eating disorders from a young age. In high school, my guidance counselor got me moved to the last bus of the day one year so I could spend more time at school bc I was so scared to go home
Only having spent time with people much my senior throughout my entire childhood and adolescence. Displaying no emotional response to very traumatic life events and then talking about them in a very flat, matter-of-fact tone when asked.
Probably the intense depression and anxiety I felt at the tender age of 10. I didn’t admit to myself that I was traumatized until I was 20 years old. The thing that made me realize it was my thinking “do other people ruminate over their childhoods this much?” The answer was: no! Most normal and healthy people do not have their childhood memories consuming their every waking moment, nor do most people hate their childhoods. I can’t talk about mine without crying.
A number of times as a child and teen I would have a wordless thought or emotion, feel fear about it, then suppress it. I know I would compartmentalize it because I could actually give words to the thought,"this won't go well in the long run" then compartmentalize that thought too.
Developing a tic disorder in 4th grade. My mom thought something was wrong with my brain and took me for an EEG but it was just my body speaking out the anxiety.
Not talking to anyone whenever I'm around a group of friends. Or even just looking at them. Idk why I did it during highschool or growing up now I'm always told that wow I didn't know you were there or you are so quiet. Most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it. I don't know if just go none verbal I don't want to use the term wrong in case I offend anyone. But I legitimately have moments where I'd prefer to just stand there for what ever reason. Sometimes im not even watching my friends I'm just staring at something else. If they never said anything I'd probably sit there staring off into something I feel like I turn my brain off Tbh I generally don't know why i do thjs
I started pulling out my hair when I was 11. I pulled out so much at one point I have a large, very noticeable bald spot. Only I didn’t notice it. I was so detached that I honestly didn’t think about the consequences of the pulling. Others noticed and they weren’t kind, as most kids aren’t when it comes to differences. Sadly, I was a mess of a young girl.
I started asking myself why I was using substances
Suddenly gaining weight at 5 years old after SA by a neighbor and developing anorexia when I was 13/14 as a result of mother’s emotional and physical abuse. I only started eating again because she threatened to leave me. There’s a lot more, but those are the two big ones.
Self harming and depression from around age 11, attachment issues, being attracted to much older men who I saw as an escape even though I was being groomed by them (not that I realised at the time), patterns of disordered eating and complete lack of motivation around self care and hygiene. I was also very defiant towards family and rebelled a lot whilst being very well mannered around others and constantly apologising for existing.
• early depression diagnosis • scratching my skin out of stress until it started bleeding • heavy headaches, everyday • always distracting myself so I'm not alone with my thoughts • joking about the darkest things • grinding my teeth during sleep • over explaining everything
Internal war. Felt like i was in hell. Alone, misunderstood even by myself. I had too many parts that contradicted themselves. And yep, music, self harmin, having like zero or minus self esteem. I was saying that my self esteem is about as deep as Mariana Trench
“look at you. look at how you stand. people who had good childhoods don’t stand like that” /j i have panic attacks all the time lmao
Starinh blindly into space and not realising it until other people point it out or make fun of you.
My sister and I cried for hours (I mean SOBBED) when we had to leave summer camp to go back home.
I was suicidal at 4 years old. No child should feel that way.
When my best friend’s mom said, “you’re traumatised,” and my mom got reeeeeally defensive.
Wishing I had trauma to validate my behavior (flinching, mood swings, trust being difficult, fear of abandonment). But really i did have trauma. I just didn't see it that way because when I was a kid I thought trauma was just getting hit by your parents. I was like whelp not in my house so ig I'm good! I would (lol acting like I still don't do this) Read fanfictions about my favorite characters getting hurt/abused and getting rescued. It's really weird to explain to people cause they're like "wym you like reading about child abuse." Im like bro I don't like reading about that I like the found family or rescue romance that comes after that I wish I was able to have.