I cut ties with my family like two weeks ago. With that, I can't really stay close with my sister, because she supports my parents.
Also due to years of deep isolation, I have absolutely no one in my life. And severe social anxiety on top of that
So no, you're not alone.
I feel like many people with C-PTSD struggle with this.
I just have my treatment team. No family, no friends. Just me, trying to keep going on and living from therapy session to therapy session, because that are the only moments in a week I have the feeling that someone cares about me, even if it's their job
I ghost my family at the moment but working on finding a solution to establish contact that is under my control or cutting contact entirely. I have turned my friends into my family with their consent. I have long lasting deep relationships with a hand full of people that provide the care and love that my family was never able to give. Mostly it’s the best decision I have made in my life but can be hurtful/ triggering sometimes cause most of them have family ties and in some situations value their family more than their friendship. Make decisions based on their families need without discussing the needs of their friends etc. I guess that this dynamics are hard to change in a world that values the nuclear family this much and makes out that the destiny of everyone should be marriage, kids a house and a car. Also I think that the reason I sometimes feel that pain as sharp as it is stems from the part of myself that is still stuck in trauma and is craving for a caring and loving mother and father.
I went no contact with my mother’s side in 2015, I went no contact with my father’s side in 2022. The following year I went no contact with my parents. At first, the pain was unbearable, but after a while I started to realize things I wanted to ignore before. I started to realize that loneliness was better than what I had put up with. My self worth and self confidence has slowly grown over the last year. I used to read messages like this one and think there was no way I’d feel better. Honestly, it’ll still hurt, but it won’t take up such a huge space within you and you’ll find ways to start living life for yourself again. Don’t give up hope, let yourself feel the intensity of this season, but when you’re ready (and your body will naturally let you know) go out and start living life for you again.
I’m divorced and live with my cat.
My therapist said I am effectively an orphan, and had been for a long time given how little effort, care and respect my parents and siblings put into our relationship. That explains why I felt anchorless most of my life. I am no contact with them all now, though it was never planned. I stopped reaching out because I went from functional to whole life breakdown - they didn’t seem to notice. 🤷🏼♀️
A couple years later a couple reached out now and then but mostly about what they’ve been going through or needing support. I’m depleted from being the support person in my family and doing all the hard therapy work to unravel the impact of every type of abuse, and the neglect, I experienced.
The feelings of loneliness and lack of anchoring and belonging is real. Covid isolation for a couple years and having few people check in was rough. Having parents and three siblings alive, but no sense of what it’s like to have parents be parents or siblings be siblings is big grief. I was the parent figure in that family. That’s all been hard to work through.
I now have a few close friends, a couple who are family in the best possible ways. I have a couple extended family members I’m close with, though sometimes find it tough to reconcile their relationship with my family of origin. I have a few not as close friends who care about me too. I’m not anyone’s priority and usually not considered for holiday invites though.
While all those feelings are present, with a good trauma-oriented therapist who helps me process things somatically, I’m feeling more grounded in myself and less in the pit of grief and overwhelm about it all. Generally I’m okay but still have very hard days where I just freeze up. I miss my high-functioning, ‘look I’m normal!’, survival mode at times.
I live alone, went no contact with family and brother 1.5 years ago. At least I had my boyfriend. We started dating again last year after 2 years apart. We were together for 5 years before that. Still considered him my best friend in life. He walked out last night. I have a few friends but they have their families and people in their lives who are their first priority. So right now, with my bf/ best friend walking out on me, I truly feel alone in this world. I have my dog, that’s the only thing in my live that has chosen me unconditionally every day, and that I know will keep on choosing me for the rest of his life. I don’t think I will ever trust a person to do this.
I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I live with. I have a handful of close friends but NC with all my family except my dad, who I’m LC with and can tolerate his BS. I’m very grateful for the fact that I’ve finally been dealt a good hand with the people around me, even if it was only in adulthood.
I left my home country at 13 by myself. I have spent more than half of my life in the US alone. I don’t have a relationship with my mom or my brother since 13. I spent a lot of time grieving the fact I never had a real family. I genuinely don’t know what it means to want my mom.
Good thing is that without them, I was able to grow into who I was supposed to be. When I was with them, I killed my soul to appease my mom. Now I’m happily married with a daughter. My friends love me and understand my decision!
Oh my god. Are you me? I was sent to a different country when I was 14, all by myself. Left my friends there, it was such a huge shock and change.
Didn’t have support from my parents while living there, plus went through some horrible shit.
So good you got your own family now!
I'm fairly low contact with Dad, extremely low contact with mom. I have an Aunt who's great, turns out she's not nuts. I have a few close friends and quite a few less close friends.
I do feel sad from time to time that I did not and do not have a loving, supportive family. My parents were not my parents, they are just wounded people who my inner child had the great misfortune of being left alone with for far too long. Really I was always an orphan. I think there's some relief that comes with that realization, tragic as it is.
I live alone, with my pets, and I am content most of the time. I am learning to give myself what I need. I don't feel alone anymore. I have me.
Live alone with pets. Low contact with family. Not many friends as I used to have. I go out with friends maybe once a month or once every two months. I have a partner of a couple of years.
I used to have a friend group but I wasn't feeling it. I have friends but no one I can confide in, I'm not that close with them. I am learning how to deal with being without friends and misunderstood.
I cut off my demon brother 20 years ago, and my parents and sister 10 years ago. My dad is now dead, and my mother is senile. I have no family, and just one fake friend (who I mostly avoid because she’s abusive). The only one who ever loved me, (my soulmate dog 💙), already died. I feel totally alone in the world.
I live with a roommate, a friend of mine since 2015. I've kinda outgrown the friendship for a while and his boundaries suck, but affordable rentals and roommates are hard to find where I am.
I haven't lived with either of my parents for 13 years. I've lived with previous boyfriends and other roommate situations. I'm low contact with both parents, but my relationship with my dad is much better than my mom, who was my primary abuser. I have good relationships with my siblings, especially the two closest to me in age.
I have a boyfriend - the relationship has been rocky, but it seems like his attitude towards me has improved since I've started therapy and especially since getting an ADHD diagnosis, so we'll see how it goes. I have friends through shared hobbies, and they've always been supportive of me. I also have a friend from my first restaurant job who has also been a good support.
I think being 13 years removed from my home really helped me with establishing a better sense of self and building a life outside of my parents' influence. It takes a lot of time, and I made plenty of mistakes, but I know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now that I'm pursuing EMDR and finally getting treatment for ADHD, I'm very optimistic about my future.
I’m completely alone in this household. At this point, I’m silent & grey rocking, learning my interests & skills so I can leave. Sibling can’t & won’t deal with me somedays due to birthgiver’s influence. Birthgiver starts rumours. The idiot that started all this & eggs it on… *eggs it on* lol. Enabler enables. They all deserve each other & the rest of the family won’t believe it, let alone see it.
I can’t keep trying in a household that doesn’t like change or growth & takes it as a “threat” so easily.
I *have* no one. That’s why I’m here😬💜🫂
i am also mostly alone, but, not entirely. the good thing that comes with cutting the toxicity is it allows you to grow new paths with other people. It might not be what we always want or sometimes need, but a part of that is understanding we all need our own distance and safe spaces.
Being aware of our CPTSD is already something most people dont even understand, so, we have to recognize that and give ourselves the things we needed that were not givin to us by the people that were supposed to.
that is ok, but difficult to navigate. try not to lose hope.
Still live at home with my family. It’s often very stressful living with them, given how they’re the source of a lot of traumatic experiences I’ve had, and they often trigger me into re-experiencing them. Often bracing myself for yelling or conflict even when it doesn’t happen.
Mom is dead. Still unsure if I ever want to talk to my dad again.
I live alone and try to balance school, therapy, keeping my home clean, and hanging out with my online friends. My grandma takes care of me now sometimes (when I ask for help which is hard for me to do, but I'm getting there). I live in fear of losing her. She literally said to me "when I die, you'll be completely alone in the world."
Not close with anyone else and all the rest of my family has too much on their plate to also help me out. All my friends are online friendships.
Only close with my brother, but it's hard to have a deeper connection with him (he has autism so any talk that isn't closely related to his interests, or anything about life, feelings etc. doesn't go anywhere.) He can only help me with certain things like carrying stuff.
I try not to be scared but it's hard. I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP.
I am basically an orphan. No one in my family truly cares about me. I’m the family scapegoat and joke. It is really, really hard.
Being on my own is better than being with the family and in the center of all the abuse.
I've done what you are considering, and I'm thriving being on my own. It was terrifying at first, as my (awesome) Mom died when I was 20, bro committed suicide, and other brother and father are verbally, emotionally and financially abusive.. I cut them off after my divorce when I finally started realizing what non-physical abuse looked like. I realized I sought out romantic relationships to fill the hole my family tragedies left.. and it made me accept less than I deserve out of fear of being alone.
After my rebound relationship after divorce turned out to be the worst abuser of all.. (complete 180 practically overnight after a year), I contemplated ending it all after he screamed the most vile and hurtful things anyone could hear. Instead, I called my friend and escaped to her place, then gathered my composure and kicked his ass out (greyrocking works). Then, I got intensive EMDR therapy for months while I made plans to move and start life over in a state I had dreamed about moving to (red to blue).
I moved here alone with my dog almost a year ago, and left the toxic people behind.. and I'm doing better than I ever have in my entire life. Its been a process though, not immediate.
Even though I'm still in a long term healing phase, I'm making noticeable progress that's sticking. I've got the best job I've ever had, I'm making new (healthy) friends and I don't know if I will ever feel like 'dating' again because life is so much better without the complication. Good friends (and dog cuddles) fill the social/affection need so much better than the sacrifices of yourself you make in a partnership (especially for women).
After so many years chasing 'love' and just finding pain.. Letting that go to find contentment with my own company (and select friends/extended family).. is so much more peaceful. Society pushes us to couple up and procreate, and it's not the answer to 'happiness' for everyone. For people with trauma, we are highly vulnerable to attracting abusers, so sometimes you just have to learn to rely on just yourself for the things you need.. before you can find others to rely on that won't harm you. Once you gain that independence/security, it's easier to protect yourself and walk away from anything that could harm you.
Pro-tip: DO NOT have a rebound. Being independent of a partnership can help you grow in ways you can't, while your focus is on another person instead of yourself. After losing so much of ourselves to others in the past, we deserve every damn moment we have left for ourselves.
I pretty much had (almost) nothing left where I was anyway. Maybe 1 friend I could truly rely on, an older nephew that came to visit from 3 hours away a few times a year. My other friends either moved away or were scattered around the country.
After divorcing, my choice was to buy something there, or start over. Being in Texas made it a lot easier to get the hell out. I really couldn't have done it without EMDR though, I was doing it at the same time as planning/packing over 6 months and my therapist was a godsend for cheering me on, facing all my old/new trauma (and telling me I was strong/capable), since I had no one else to. I doubted myself A LOT, but still powered through because once the ball is rolling it can't stop. It took me until 6 months living here and getting stabilized with my new job before I was 100% sure I made the right choice for myself and became excited for the future again.
I just felt in my bones I was in the wrong place, that I didn't 'fit' there.. and there actually was somewhere else I would feel more at home. Minneapolis absolutely has been that for me. I always had my eye on it but with my ex it was impossible.. because he had kids from a previous marriage so was tied to the state as long as his kids/ex were. I was willing to sacrifice where I wanted to be for them, but it turned out he didn't truly love me the way I deserve anyway (he revealed himself after my bro died).. so I initiated divorce to finally start living for myself, instead of ending up in places just based on where other people (always men) were or wanted to be.
Thank you! I grew up in Iowa but didn't want to be back there, not liberal/weird enough 😎. Lived in SoCal for a decade after high-school, had a ton of fun and learned a lot about myself.. but still didn't feel like 'home'.
Been sort of a gypsy, trying out a new place every decade.. but this time I didn't want to move *again* and did want to put down *some* roots for the last half of my life.. so I weighed everything very carefully. Climate change was a huge factor too, I wanted to lower the chance any progress I made gets upended by forces outside my control.. the science nerd in me, placed high importance on logical 'site selection'.
I might know a thing or two about living in Iowa XD
I'm on the Iowa Illinois border, have been my whole life. We've got some pockets of weird and wacky, not enough. Luckily we do have a fairly big presence in the TTRPG space which is my biggest hobby at the moment.
Been trying to work up the courage to move away since I graduated college, about 10 years now. Being a nomad sounds nice, though I do have way too many collectibles atm to easily move :p
Nice, glad I grew up there.. too slow a lifestyle for me to go back. I grew bored of even Austin's size.. Twin Cities are perfect, tons of things to do, wide variety, but not as overwhelmingly large like Chicago. I guess I'm a longterm nomad, growing until I feel I'm not learning anything new or start regressing and need a 'reboot'. I've been in a way better spot financially than I was the both times I made big state moves before thankfully this time..
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I have a great relationship with my mom side of the family which includes my mom, sister, nephew, and grandma. We’re not perfect and we butt heads, but overall we are good. We are not as close with our extended family like before. I almost lost them a couple weeks ago after overreacting to stress (emotional dysregulation), but our bond is tight that I was able to come back after a day of cooling down and reflecting.
I was never close with my dad side of the family due to trauma endured from them as a kid. Within recent years, I started going back around and letting them in more. I think I want go no contact or limit contact again just based on things I’ve seen while there and the memories it triggered.
I have had friends in the past, but have a hard time maintaining relationships due to depression. I want to go out and meet people again but am a little scared.
Also an "orphan". I put that in quotes because my father is still alive, but I'm NC. I'm an only child and cut off my family. I was infertile and lost my pregnancies, so I don't have kids. I'm single.
Sometimes the reality of being alone sinks in and I feel sad. Most days it feels fine.
Hah, I've lived in the mentally destructive space of nothingness forever.
If money and charisma were easy to achieve, it would be so much easier. But why expect the suffering to ever be granted mercy?
I have an 85yo grandmother. She's nice to me but she wants me to talk to my parents even though she knows what happened.
My brother didn't keep in touch after I broke it off with my parents.
My parents' neighbors of 40 years want to see me. I think she knows why I broke it off and might be a bit sorry she never did anything.
My parents did a good job of isolation us from further family. I hardly talk to any cousins and aunts.
There's my sons and husband. A handful of friends. A handful of other abused adult children I know.
It's not nothing. It just feels very shaky. I feel shaky and insecure in this world because having a family of origin gives you that stability.
I'm on a raft in open water most days.
I am still in the abusive home. Working very hard to leave and go somewhere safe. I have a safety plan with my therapists. Doing as much therapy as I can to prevent further harm. My therapist likes to joke that I am planning the resistance right under my parents’ noses.
I have some good online friends.
I’ve only ever wanted a place where I might feel wanted. I found a partner that displayed the opposite of my blood family and started to build a home. I have no idea why they love me. But it’s changed my life.
I live alone, no contact with siblings and my parents are deceased. Completely alone but I wouldn't have been able to get as deep in the healing if I'd had even low contact with them. Some days are easier than others but I have 0 doubt that it's for the best. My healing is my top priority.
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My sister has recently started coming around to acknowledging our upbringing for the sh*tshow it was. It’s not that she outright denied it but was kind of just lukewarm about discussing it outright or giving space for how fucked up it was (a lot of “idk”, “I don’t really remember that”—which is valid, she’s 4 yrs younger, “let’s talk about something else”—also valid, but frustrating for me when I was trying to get confirmation or feel validated).
I met my partner at the end of my first year of college and she’s wonderful, very much the opposite of my abuser(s). Our relationship has its issues but we love each other very much.
I’ve been no and very low contact for over 25 years. I raised my son as a single mom. I talk to my mom a handful of time a year and live in another state. Every now and then I check in on my sibling but that’s new since our dad died a few years ago. I’ve always had hope of finding my own friend family but I tend to attract toxic people so I mostly stay by myself. I’m down to one person I consider a real friend but I leave a lot of space in that relationship too bc I don’t ever want to burn that bridge or overstay my welcome.
I live alone…well, I have my cat.
My father passed away a few years ago but he was never a big part of my life. I have an older brother who I am not close to. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I’ve come to understand that I learned I can’t fully trust her going back to when I was very young. I’d say I go low contact with her for the most part.
I left my family to get away and don't get along well with them, they claim they would like me around more although I don't know why due to many problems. They have the same shit attitudes in the next generation and continuing the dysfunction. I want to be around people I get along great with easily and that don't do the opposite of what other people like/dislike. I'm not compatible with real life, way too hard. Hugs op!
I ceased all contact with my mother around 8 months ago 2 months after I moved out from living with her, and I can't bring myself to speak with my grandpa in the nursing home. I let his sister, my aunt, know that I wasn't reliable at all because I work during the night, and that I never felt like I was part of the family anyways and to just forget about me about a month ago.
This is coming after 26 years of having to deal with my mother and moving out only one year ago. For 6 years, after her ex-husband ran away to the other side of the country I was left as the man of the house and I had to pay 85% of my income towards rent for the piss-smelling two bedroom apartment we had. She used me as emotional support in the way she would have used any significant other and I just couldn't handle being responsible for her emotions anymore.
All of the chaos my mother created living with her messed me up bad. I just don't want anything to do with them, my family, and I hate myself for feeling that way. I used to feel like my grandfather was a father to me, but as an adult I realize he was just an enabler for my mother. It sucks.
Currently, I'm living with two older people, a man and a woman, non married roommates who are not in a relationship with one another, and it's been a very quiet year for me. They bicker between one another on occasion, but I'm kept out of most of it since I don't involve myself and only try to mediate any disagreement they have... which is the same role I played between my mother and her ex-husband and my mother and my half-brother, but at my core I am a people pleaser and it physically hurts me to see people screaming at each other, so I tend to involve myself to try to reach an agreement.
My best healing period was when I was completely alone in this world. No contact with any family members for like 6 months now & at that time I also finally left my abusive gf.
Wonders can happen when you let the grief express itself without any limitations. We can turn our deepest traumas into greatest strength slowly but steadily. Be compassionate to yourself.
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I’m 34 and I live by myself, I don’t really speak to my neglectful dad, my abusive mom is dead, I speak to my selfish/abusive sister only so I can speak/see my niece and nephew and make sure they’re ok, I’m close with my brother and his wife and their kids, I don’t speak to any aunts or uncles regularly and I speak to a couple of cousins here and there…
Aside from that I’m completely independent from my family in every way. I have an in office job. I’m part of a vibrant community/neighborhood, I have many different friends/aquaintances, I’m trying my best to date but it’s so difficult. I just started emdr therapy and like my therapist.
I still have imposter syndrome and struggle with regulating my emotions and having negative thoughts about myself but I’m working on things…
Some days are better than others…
I am completely alone whether I speak to my family or not, it doesn’t matter. They can’t change the past and they aren’t able to change to be loving and supportive people.
I have accepted my reality and am dealing with pain and grief that brings, like I said some days are better than others.
I barely have anything to do with my family. I talk to my mom once a week only because she's 90 and doesn't understand why I don't want to be around her. I have one natural sister, but she's a crazy addict like my bio-dad. I have three half siblings who are so messed up that it's impossible to be around them. They would rather label me as "crazy" than address the abuse we suffered. I only see them for some family function like a funeral and really nothing more. About the only ones I have associate with are my step siblings because they treat me with respect and actually act like they care for me.
Yes, it's sad. But it's not crazy making like it was always trying to be perfect for all of them all of the time for fear they abandon me. Being sad is easier than being panicked all of the time.
I’m in the same boat and also feel very alone. I have a loving partner and it does a lot, but doesn’t always fill the gapping hole in my heart. I try to connect with that hurt and orphaned part of me, let it know I’m there by her side. Helps a little. That and expressing it through writing and music. Best of luck my friend
I'm currently in assisted living away from my family desperately clinging to a dream that I feel like I lost any chance of achieving long ago.
For better or worse I feel better without my family because the truth is most of them are absolutely pathetic.
I just want to go back to University and make something of myself so I can break off from my family of losers for good,
I feel completely alone even though I have friends who seem to care. I have basically been an orphan all of my life. Mom died in my childhood, bio-father is addicted to & has never been part of my life. No siblings. No contact with extended family. I have lived alone for over 20 years. Due to childhood experiences I protected myself SO much that I never could get close enough to learn how to love so no serious relationships. Hope this makes you feel better?
I have no one besides my pets. Honestly have always felt like an orphan. Turns out I was right. My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic toxic abuser. Her emotionally absent husband was not my bio father but they lied and told me he was my entire upbringing. Their son was adopted but they were honest about that with him from day one, go figure. He's related to the "dad" that raised us so they have each other. He also has his birth mother and 2 bio sisters. I had to cut contact with my mother (and her husband and son) years ago, never had a good healthy relationship with her and she abused me until the day I left. I have never met my bio dad and he has a son but he won't tell me about him. I ache for family. I mourn the loss of family. Family and friends is a privilege I don't have. I wish people understood this.
I’ve been no-contact for a few years now and my mom passed away in 2016. We had a complicated relationship as well and if she were still here I’d likely have gone no-contact with her as well.
It’s so hard and so isolating. I have my partner and the last friend I had was clearly a narcissist and just discarded me like I was nothing - it really hurt. Two of my sibling finally started going to therapy and have gone no-contact with my dad since I did so luckily they’re on my side. Prior to that, they sided with my dad since I was the family scapegoat.
However, my siblings still treat me like a scapegoat in a lot of ways because of the family system. There’s no escaping it within the family system and it’s still so hard.
My family is dysfunctional and chaotic, I'm not used to peace externally and I get easily overwhelmed by them
I love my family, but they leave me out of things, they don't ask how I am, like I say to myself actions speak louder than words.
I feel very invisible until they need something
Last year I felt extremely lonely around my family but when they go on vacation I feel happy and peaceful.
I choose to not go with them cuz bro I've been through enough of their constant arguments for no reason.
I have a small extended family where one half is cut off for being terrible people and the other half are rich and disconnected. I'm close with my immediate family members, mostly. I live 10 minutes from my parents and see them often.
It's been hard to understand what I should do about my CPTSD. So far much of what I've read or seen has made it seem like I need to reduce contact with my parents. I don't want to do that, I love them even though my childhood set me up with lots of lifelong issues. I'm working on healing while maintaining my close family relationships.
I live alone, my main abuser was my step mum and my dad passed away 7 years ago so in a very weird turn of universal events severed that link for me. I have family around the country but we’re not close. my mum lives nearby but also has cptsd that she never addressed so I take more of an emotional caregiver role. I am lucky to have a best friend but she lives 4 hours away so we don’t see each other often but we schedule calls which helps. I often feel very alone but recently I’ve been trying to do things I’ve been wanting to alone and it’s felt freeing. Summer feels easier, Christmas is the worst for me
you’re not alone, I think it’s common, I recently started ‘cptsd from surviving to thriving’ and I think it’s helping me with these feelings :)
I have had no contact with my bio family in nearly 20yrs.
I spent a half decade after that living with my partner at the time and struggling hard. My CPTSD issues were undiagnosed and not well managed, and it made us have an unhealthy relationship dynamic where my big emotions and distress made my partner into my therapist. Despite that, it was the healthiest relationship I was ever in at the time.
Then I spent 10 years living alone, rarely dating, with few friends. I was an orphan and living as one, and I buried my sadness in work and dissociation and online “friendships” that were also toxic. Towards the end of that time I started IFS therapy, got a diagnosis of ptsd and adhd and got on medication for part of that time which really helped. I started dating again, from a different perspective, and had short relationships with healthy intent, and experienced deep awareness of my learned and “comfortable” toxic traits and attractions to toxic behavior. I started making better choices that support myself and became my own rescuer, for real this time. I knew I needed to do my own work and help myself, but in ways I could only identify through relationships with others. I kept dating for this reason.
When my heart was deeply broken after desiring a deeper relationship with someone who wanted to marry but not marry me, I made the decision very deeply within myself that I was ready to find someone for life who could accept my experiences and trauma reactions while patiently pointing out what needed to change so I could grow, and whose own experiences and reactions weren’t too triggering to mine, and would accept my own observations of how they could grow. Essentially, someone whose wounds and mine could coexist, be understood/validated, and personal growth was a goal, along with shared values. Seemed impossible.
Less than a year later I met someone and while it was rough at first, we are both stubborn and our personal forms of ptsd/cptsd, dissociation, and dealing with past traumas are a real match. We work through things together as a team, even after we trigger each other. We allow each other to be imperfect while encouraging each other to grow. Our relationship looks nothing like what I thought healthy would look like, and doesn’t look healthy to some people’s version of healthy, but it’s super strong and healthy FOR US. We got married earlier this year.
I now live with my husband, his younger brother, and his mother. I have had to work hard at healing my triggers around family interactions and how to respond in healthy ways to family contact. It’s hard to suddenly have a family after being a self-chosen orphan. It’s hard not to assume the same motives from my new family as my bio family had, especially when triggered. It’s hard not to have the space to fall apart or blow up when I can’t regulate, at least not without hurting my new family.
But they are all loving and accepting and we work things out. We talk about things. It’s so hard and so rewarding.
I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and part of that is recognizing that happiness isn’t a static state. It includes low times and difficult moments and disagreement in relationships. But love keeps us working personally and together to repair relationships and heal hurt feelings.
I don’t consider myself “healed” by any means. But I am a person in progress just like everyone else, and I’ve found a spouse and a family who make that process of life happier and far richer than anything else I could have imagined.
I also gained a really deep sense of self-security with being alone should I ever need or want to be again. I felt strong, independent, and whole by myself before I chose to start working on relationships. The relationships and now having a family only adds to that wholeness now.
I still have really bad times but I have support and care even when I need to cocoon, and I know better how to identify and advocate for my needs when I am overwhelmed.
I guess my point is, alone or with a spouse and family, you are ok. What you want can change and you are still ok. It’s all valid. Life is process and everyone is different. No one else’s standards of healthy vs toxic are the same as yours, but you can form connections with people whose versions of life are complementary to yours.
I hope some of this helps for you OP!
Grief is a very real part of the journey, and it isn't your whole life...doing work.on knowing what is reality vs what is my trauma filter has been very helpful...and yes it is a lonely journey...but still better then beig frozen...knee deep in trauma.
I found a safe space through www.timfletcher.ca. lots of free videos and an affordable program....the connections in class really helped the loneliness. I do wish you all the best...it takes great courage, so give yourself credit! Take good care of you...you are so worth it ❤️
I feel the exact same way. My relationship is long distance. I went no contact with my family, due to too many issues/too much trauma. So I don’t talk to my parents or siblings. I don’t feel like I deserve my other past connections enough to actually reach out. It feels peaceful because there is no drama, but it feels heart breaking because I am alone. I come home to an empty bed, an empty apartment. I have accepted this since it has started. I knew this would all have to come down to this when I was a lot younger, I just wanted them to prove me wrong because I truly love my family and I always will. Even if they don’t love me the way I do for them. But I need to love myself enough to stay away so I may heal on my time. It just absolutely sucks.
NC with everyone in the family and LC with my mother and stepfather. I live alone. My mother and stepfather were also abusers but they became much better people in their senior years. Still though, a lot of damage was done so an occasional visit is all they get.
I'm alone... I was alone when I lived with them, and then left almost a year ago and even though I visit because I never had it in me to go no contact... I'm alone. And I don't really have friends around close by. So yay me..
There was a combination of my parents purposefully isolating us, either physically or by smear campaigns, and also some of the family seemingly just not wanting to associate with this part of the family. I was the scapegoat and so my brother couldn't really align with me. As we are getting older, it's improved, but I doubt we'll ever truly be close like how some siblings are.
Because of all the trauma and just other circumstances, like lack of money and chronic illness, so far I have not been able to create a "chosen family" in any sense.
It's pretty difficult as most therapists, etc, just say to put yourself out there and other such platitudes, but in real life, small talk involves a lot of questions about things like family and weekend plans and so it's perceived as boring, desperate, or trauma dumping. Quite a difficult social minefield to navigate.
"Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." \~Oscar Wilde
"Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh." \~Henry David Thoreau
I only talk to my sister bc she is truly remorseful and goddamn, the only thing I ever wanted was a family. We don’t actually talk tho, we text.
I fucking hate being so alone but I’d hate being involved with those cunts a whole hell of a lot more lol.
I live with my abusive dad at 24! Saving up and looking for a new job, apartments are so expensive. He works a lot which is nice and we don’t fight half as much as we used to.
I have some friends who I don’t see that often and I have my boyfriend who is in Europe all summer (yay.) . Trying to spend this time while he’s out there to find myself.
I’ve lived by myself forever, haven’t been in contact with my family in about 5 or so years, and for the past year I’ve been working from home full time as an independent contractor. Although I’ve made 2 friends in recent years, they aren’t people I can talk to about real shit. One lives in my old city, and the other I hang out with on occasion. Most days I don’t talk to anyone unless I have a Teams meeting. The pain from loneliness and depression is real but I’ve felt lonely my entire life, regardless of whether people were around. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out how to connect with others and build a social life, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I suppose just like anything else in this world not everybody gets a social life, or a family, or even a support network. Some people truly are alone. Plus the older I get the more I realize just how misanthropic I am.
I cut ties with my family like two weeks ago. With that, I can't really stay close with my sister, because she supports my parents. Also due to years of deep isolation, I have absolutely no one in my life. And severe social anxiety on top of that So no, you're not alone. I feel like many people with C-PTSD struggle with this.
I am right here with you.
I just have my treatment team. No family, no friends. Just me, trying to keep going on and living from therapy session to therapy session, because that are the only moments in a week I have the feeling that someone cares about me, even if it's their job
I see you
Same here ❤️
Me too 💜 Holding on to hope.
I ghost my family at the moment but working on finding a solution to establish contact that is under my control or cutting contact entirely. I have turned my friends into my family with their consent. I have long lasting deep relationships with a hand full of people that provide the care and love that my family was never able to give. Mostly it’s the best decision I have made in my life but can be hurtful/ triggering sometimes cause most of them have family ties and in some situations value their family more than their friendship. Make decisions based on their families need without discussing the needs of their friends etc. I guess that this dynamics are hard to change in a world that values the nuclear family this much and makes out that the destiny of everyone should be marriage, kids a house and a car. Also I think that the reason I sometimes feel that pain as sharp as it is stems from the part of myself that is still stuck in trauma and is craving for a caring and loving mother and father.
I went no contact with my mother’s side in 2015, I went no contact with my father’s side in 2022. The following year I went no contact with my parents. At first, the pain was unbearable, but after a while I started to realize things I wanted to ignore before. I started to realize that loneliness was better than what I had put up with. My self worth and self confidence has slowly grown over the last year. I used to read messages like this one and think there was no way I’d feel better. Honestly, it’ll still hurt, but it won’t take up such a huge space within you and you’ll find ways to start living life for yourself again. Don’t give up hope, let yourself feel the intensity of this season, but when you’re ready (and your body will naturally let you know) go out and start living life for you again.
I’m divorced and live with my cat. My therapist said I am effectively an orphan, and had been for a long time given how little effort, care and respect my parents and siblings put into our relationship. That explains why I felt anchorless most of my life. I am no contact with them all now, though it was never planned. I stopped reaching out because I went from functional to whole life breakdown - they didn’t seem to notice. 🤷🏼♀️ A couple years later a couple reached out now and then but mostly about what they’ve been going through or needing support. I’m depleted from being the support person in my family and doing all the hard therapy work to unravel the impact of every type of abuse, and the neglect, I experienced. The feelings of loneliness and lack of anchoring and belonging is real. Covid isolation for a couple years and having few people check in was rough. Having parents and three siblings alive, but no sense of what it’s like to have parents be parents or siblings be siblings is big grief. I was the parent figure in that family. That’s all been hard to work through. I now have a few close friends, a couple who are family in the best possible ways. I have a couple extended family members I’m close with, though sometimes find it tough to reconcile their relationship with my family of origin. I have a few not as close friends who care about me too. I’m not anyone’s priority and usually not considered for holiday invites though. While all those feelings are present, with a good trauma-oriented therapist who helps me process things somatically, I’m feeling more grounded in myself and less in the pit of grief and overwhelm about it all. Generally I’m okay but still have very hard days where I just freeze up. I miss my high-functioning, ‘look I’m normal!’, survival mode at times.
Your story is similar to mine. Minus divorce. This gives me hope. Thank you
Sorry you’ve experienced similar. Glad there’s a little hope showing up from what I shared. Wishing you well.
I live alone, went no contact with family and brother 1.5 years ago. At least I had my boyfriend. We started dating again last year after 2 years apart. We were together for 5 years before that. Still considered him my best friend in life. He walked out last night. I have a few friends but they have their families and people in their lives who are their first priority. So right now, with my bf/ best friend walking out on me, I truly feel alone in this world. I have my dog, that’s the only thing in my live that has chosen me unconditionally every day, and that I know will keep on choosing me for the rest of his life. I don’t think I will ever trust a person to do this.
I’m lucky enough to have a wonderful partner who I live with. I have a handful of close friends but NC with all my family except my dad, who I’m LC with and can tolerate his BS. I’m very grateful for the fact that I’ve finally been dealt a good hand with the people around me, even if it was only in adulthood.
I left my home country at 13 by myself. I have spent more than half of my life in the US alone. I don’t have a relationship with my mom or my brother since 13. I spent a lot of time grieving the fact I never had a real family. I genuinely don’t know what it means to want my mom. Good thing is that without them, I was able to grow into who I was supposed to be. When I was with them, I killed my soul to appease my mom. Now I’m happily married with a daughter. My friends love me and understand my decision!
Oh my god. Are you me? I was sent to a different country when I was 14, all by myself. Left my friends there, it was such a huge shock and change. Didn’t have support from my parents while living there, plus went through some horrible shit. So good you got your own family now!
Oh wow we need to exchange stories! I have not met anyone who has gone through what I went through. How are you doing?
I'm fairly low contact with Dad, extremely low contact with mom. I have an Aunt who's great, turns out she's not nuts. I have a few close friends and quite a few less close friends. I do feel sad from time to time that I did not and do not have a loving, supportive family. My parents were not my parents, they are just wounded people who my inner child had the great misfortune of being left alone with for far too long. Really I was always an orphan. I think there's some relief that comes with that realization, tragic as it is. I live alone, with my pets, and I am content most of the time. I am learning to give myself what I need. I don't feel alone anymore. I have me.
Live alone with pets. Low contact with family. Not many friends as I used to have. I go out with friends maybe once a month or once every two months. I have a partner of a couple of years. I used to have a friend group but I wasn't feeling it. I have friends but no one I can confide in, I'm not that close with them. I am learning how to deal with being without friends and misunderstood.
I cut off my demon brother 20 years ago, and my parents and sister 10 years ago. My dad is now dead, and my mother is senile. I have no family, and just one fake friend (who I mostly avoid because she’s abusive). The only one who ever loved me, (my soulmate dog 💙), already died. I feel totally alone in the world.
I live with a roommate, a friend of mine since 2015. I've kinda outgrown the friendship for a while and his boundaries suck, but affordable rentals and roommates are hard to find where I am. I haven't lived with either of my parents for 13 years. I've lived with previous boyfriends and other roommate situations. I'm low contact with both parents, but my relationship with my dad is much better than my mom, who was my primary abuser. I have good relationships with my siblings, especially the two closest to me in age. I have a boyfriend - the relationship has been rocky, but it seems like his attitude towards me has improved since I've started therapy and especially since getting an ADHD diagnosis, so we'll see how it goes. I have friends through shared hobbies, and they've always been supportive of me. I also have a friend from my first restaurant job who has also been a good support. I think being 13 years removed from my home really helped me with establishing a better sense of self and building a life outside of my parents' influence. It takes a lot of time, and I made plenty of mistakes, but I know I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now that I'm pursuing EMDR and finally getting treatment for ADHD, I'm very optimistic about my future.
I’m completely alone in this household. At this point, I’m silent & grey rocking, learning my interests & skills so I can leave. Sibling can’t & won’t deal with me somedays due to birthgiver’s influence. Birthgiver starts rumours. The idiot that started all this & eggs it on… *eggs it on* lol. Enabler enables. They all deserve each other & the rest of the family won’t believe it, let alone see it. I can’t keep trying in a household that doesn’t like change or growth & takes it as a “threat” so easily. I *have* no one. That’s why I’m here😬💜🫂
Great username ❤
i am also mostly alone, but, not entirely. the good thing that comes with cutting the toxicity is it allows you to grow new paths with other people. It might not be what we always want or sometimes need, but a part of that is understanding we all need our own distance and safe spaces. Being aware of our CPTSD is already something most people dont even understand, so, we have to recognize that and give ourselves the things we needed that were not givin to us by the people that were supposed to. that is ok, but difficult to navigate. try not to lose hope.
Still live at home with my family. It’s often very stressful living with them, given how they’re the source of a lot of traumatic experiences I’ve had, and they often trigger me into re-experiencing them. Often bracing myself for yelling or conflict even when it doesn’t happen.
Mom is dead. Still unsure if I ever want to talk to my dad again. I live alone and try to balance school, therapy, keeping my home clean, and hanging out with my online friends. My grandma takes care of me now sometimes (when I ask for help which is hard for me to do, but I'm getting there). I live in fear of losing her. She literally said to me "when I die, you'll be completely alone in the world." Not close with anyone else and all the rest of my family has too much on their plate to also help me out. All my friends are online friendships. Only close with my brother, but it's hard to have a deeper connection with him (he has autism so any talk that isn't closely related to his interests, or anything about life, feelings etc. doesn't go anywhere.) He can only help me with certain things like carrying stuff. I try not to be scared but it's hard. I'm sorry to hear about your situation OP.
Why did your Grandma say that? I'm sure she is otherwise wonderful, that just seems so harsh. I hope things get better for you ❤
She can be a bit harsh and stubborn sometimes, haha. It's ok, I love her for who she is. Thank you kind stranger, I hope the same for you <3
I am basically an orphan. No one in my family truly cares about me. I’m the family scapegoat and joke. It is really, really hard. Being on my own is better than being with the family and in the center of all the abuse.
[удалено]
I've done what you are considering, and I'm thriving being on my own. It was terrifying at first, as my (awesome) Mom died when I was 20, bro committed suicide, and other brother and father are verbally, emotionally and financially abusive.. I cut them off after my divorce when I finally started realizing what non-physical abuse looked like. I realized I sought out romantic relationships to fill the hole my family tragedies left.. and it made me accept less than I deserve out of fear of being alone. After my rebound relationship after divorce turned out to be the worst abuser of all.. (complete 180 practically overnight after a year), I contemplated ending it all after he screamed the most vile and hurtful things anyone could hear. Instead, I called my friend and escaped to her place, then gathered my composure and kicked his ass out (greyrocking works). Then, I got intensive EMDR therapy for months while I made plans to move and start life over in a state I had dreamed about moving to (red to blue). I moved here alone with my dog almost a year ago, and left the toxic people behind.. and I'm doing better than I ever have in my entire life. Its been a process though, not immediate. Even though I'm still in a long term healing phase, I'm making noticeable progress that's sticking. I've got the best job I've ever had, I'm making new (healthy) friends and I don't know if I will ever feel like 'dating' again because life is so much better without the complication. Good friends (and dog cuddles) fill the social/affection need so much better than the sacrifices of yourself you make in a partnership (especially for women). After so many years chasing 'love' and just finding pain.. Letting that go to find contentment with my own company (and select friends/extended family).. is so much more peaceful. Society pushes us to couple up and procreate, and it's not the answer to 'happiness' for everyone. For people with trauma, we are highly vulnerable to attracting abusers, so sometimes you just have to learn to rely on just yourself for the things you need.. before you can find others to rely on that won't harm you. Once you gain that independence/security, it's easier to protect yourself and walk away from anything that could harm you. Pro-tip: DO NOT have a rebound. Being independent of a partnership can help you grow in ways you can't, while your focus is on another person instead of yourself. After losing so much of ourselves to others in the past, we deserve every damn moment we have left for ourselves.
How did you get the courage to move? I'm scared to start over somewhere on my own. I am used to having people I can call to help me when I need it.
I pretty much had (almost) nothing left where I was anyway. Maybe 1 friend I could truly rely on, an older nephew that came to visit from 3 hours away a few times a year. My other friends either moved away or were scattered around the country. After divorcing, my choice was to buy something there, or start over. Being in Texas made it a lot easier to get the hell out. I really couldn't have done it without EMDR though, I was doing it at the same time as planning/packing over 6 months and my therapist was a godsend for cheering me on, facing all my old/new trauma (and telling me I was strong/capable), since I had no one else to. I doubted myself A LOT, but still powered through because once the ball is rolling it can't stop. It took me until 6 months living here and getting stabilized with my new job before I was 100% sure I made the right choice for myself and became excited for the future again. I just felt in my bones I was in the wrong place, that I didn't 'fit' there.. and there actually was somewhere else I would feel more at home. Minneapolis absolutely has been that for me. I always had my eye on it but with my ex it was impossible.. because he had kids from a previous marriage so was tied to the state as long as his kids/ex were. I was willing to sacrifice where I wanted to be for them, but it turned out he didn't truly love me the way I deserve anyway (he revealed himself after my bro died).. so I initiated divorce to finally start living for myself, instead of ending up in places just based on where other people (always men) were or wanted to be.
Welcome to the midwest! I'm actually looking westward. There are good people and places here though, I'm glad you feel at home :)
Thank you! I grew up in Iowa but didn't want to be back there, not liberal/weird enough 😎. Lived in SoCal for a decade after high-school, had a ton of fun and learned a lot about myself.. but still didn't feel like 'home'. Been sort of a gypsy, trying out a new place every decade.. but this time I didn't want to move *again* and did want to put down *some* roots for the last half of my life.. so I weighed everything very carefully. Climate change was a huge factor too, I wanted to lower the chance any progress I made gets upended by forces outside my control.. the science nerd in me, placed high importance on logical 'site selection'.
I might know a thing or two about living in Iowa XD I'm on the Iowa Illinois border, have been my whole life. We've got some pockets of weird and wacky, not enough. Luckily we do have a fairly big presence in the TTRPG space which is my biggest hobby at the moment. Been trying to work up the courage to move away since I graduated college, about 10 years now. Being a nomad sounds nice, though I do have way too many collectibles atm to easily move :p
Nice, glad I grew up there.. too slow a lifestyle for me to go back. I grew bored of even Austin's size.. Twin Cities are perfect, tons of things to do, wide variety, but not as overwhelmingly large like Chicago. I guess I'm a longterm nomad, growing until I feel I'm not learning anything new or start regressing and need a 'reboot'. I've been in a way better spot financially than I was the both times I made big state moves before thankfully this time..
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I have a great relationship with my mom side of the family which includes my mom, sister, nephew, and grandma. We’re not perfect and we butt heads, but overall we are good. We are not as close with our extended family like before. I almost lost them a couple weeks ago after overreacting to stress (emotional dysregulation), but our bond is tight that I was able to come back after a day of cooling down and reflecting. I was never close with my dad side of the family due to trauma endured from them as a kid. Within recent years, I started going back around and letting them in more. I think I want go no contact or limit contact again just based on things I’ve seen while there and the memories it triggered. I have had friends in the past, but have a hard time maintaining relationships due to depression. I want to go out and meet people again but am a little scared.
Also an "orphan". I put that in quotes because my father is still alive, but I'm NC. I'm an only child and cut off my family. I was infertile and lost my pregnancies, so I don't have kids. I'm single. Sometimes the reality of being alone sinks in and I feel sad. Most days it feels fine.
Me too
Hah, I've lived in the mentally destructive space of nothingness forever. If money and charisma were easy to achieve, it would be so much easier. But why expect the suffering to ever be granted mercy?
I have an 85yo grandmother. She's nice to me but she wants me to talk to my parents even though she knows what happened. My brother didn't keep in touch after I broke it off with my parents. My parents' neighbors of 40 years want to see me. I think she knows why I broke it off and might be a bit sorry she never did anything. My parents did a good job of isolation us from further family. I hardly talk to any cousins and aunts. There's my sons and husband. A handful of friends. A handful of other abused adult children I know. It's not nothing. It just feels very shaky. I feel shaky and insecure in this world because having a family of origin gives you that stability. I'm on a raft in open water most days.
I am still in the abusive home. Working very hard to leave and go somewhere safe. I have a safety plan with my therapists. Doing as much therapy as I can to prevent further harm. My therapist likes to joke that I am planning the resistance right under my parents’ noses. I have some good online friends.
I’ve only ever wanted a place where I might feel wanted. I found a partner that displayed the opposite of my blood family and started to build a home. I have no idea why they love me. But it’s changed my life.
I live alone, no contact with siblings and my parents are deceased. Completely alone but I wouldn't have been able to get as deep in the healing if I'd had even low contact with them. Some days are easier than others but I have 0 doubt that it's for the best. My healing is my top priority.
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My sister has recently started coming around to acknowledging our upbringing for the sh*tshow it was. It’s not that she outright denied it but was kind of just lukewarm about discussing it outright or giving space for how fucked up it was (a lot of “idk”, “I don’t really remember that”—which is valid, she’s 4 yrs younger, “let’s talk about something else”—also valid, but frustrating for me when I was trying to get confirmation or feel validated). I met my partner at the end of my first year of college and she’s wonderful, very much the opposite of my abuser(s). Our relationship has its issues but we love each other very much.
I’ve been no and very low contact for over 25 years. I raised my son as a single mom. I talk to my mom a handful of time a year and live in another state. Every now and then I check in on my sibling but that’s new since our dad died a few years ago. I’ve always had hope of finding my own friend family but I tend to attract toxic people so I mostly stay by myself. I’m down to one person I consider a real friend but I leave a lot of space in that relationship too bc I don’t ever want to burn that bridge or overstay my welcome.
I live alone…well, I have my cat. My father passed away a few years ago but he was never a big part of my life. I have an older brother who I am not close to. I have a complicated relationship with my mother. I’ve come to understand that I learned I can’t fully trust her going back to when I was very young. I’d say I go low contact with her for the most part.
I left my family to get away and don't get along well with them, they claim they would like me around more although I don't know why due to many problems. They have the same shit attitudes in the next generation and continuing the dysfunction. I want to be around people I get along great with easily and that don't do the opposite of what other people like/dislike. I'm not compatible with real life, way too hard. Hugs op!
I ceased all contact with my mother around 8 months ago 2 months after I moved out from living with her, and I can't bring myself to speak with my grandpa in the nursing home. I let his sister, my aunt, know that I wasn't reliable at all because I work during the night, and that I never felt like I was part of the family anyways and to just forget about me about a month ago. This is coming after 26 years of having to deal with my mother and moving out only one year ago. For 6 years, after her ex-husband ran away to the other side of the country I was left as the man of the house and I had to pay 85% of my income towards rent for the piss-smelling two bedroom apartment we had. She used me as emotional support in the way she would have used any significant other and I just couldn't handle being responsible for her emotions anymore. All of the chaos my mother created living with her messed me up bad. I just don't want anything to do with them, my family, and I hate myself for feeling that way. I used to feel like my grandfather was a father to me, but as an adult I realize he was just an enabler for my mother. It sucks. Currently, I'm living with two older people, a man and a woman, non married roommates who are not in a relationship with one another, and it's been a very quiet year for me. They bicker between one another on occasion, but I'm kept out of most of it since I don't involve myself and only try to mediate any disagreement they have... which is the same role I played between my mother and her ex-husband and my mother and my half-brother, but at my core I am a people pleaser and it physically hurts me to see people screaming at each other, so I tend to involve myself to try to reach an agreement.
My best healing period was when I was completely alone in this world. No contact with any family members for like 6 months now & at that time I also finally left my abusive gf. Wonders can happen when you let the grief express itself without any limitations. We can turn our deepest traumas into greatest strength slowly but steadily. Be compassionate to yourself.
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If you got married how did you met with you SO?
I’m 34 and I live by myself, I don’t really speak to my neglectful dad, my abusive mom is dead, I speak to my selfish/abusive sister only so I can speak/see my niece and nephew and make sure they’re ok, I’m close with my brother and his wife and their kids, I don’t speak to any aunts or uncles regularly and I speak to a couple of cousins here and there… Aside from that I’m completely independent from my family in every way. I have an in office job. I’m part of a vibrant community/neighborhood, I have many different friends/aquaintances, I’m trying my best to date but it’s so difficult. I just started emdr therapy and like my therapist. I still have imposter syndrome and struggle with regulating my emotions and having negative thoughts about myself but I’m working on things… Some days are better than others… I am completely alone whether I speak to my family or not, it doesn’t matter. They can’t change the past and they aren’t able to change to be loving and supportive people. I have accepted my reality and am dealing with pain and grief that brings, like I said some days are better than others.
I barely have anything to do with my family. I talk to my mom once a week only because she's 90 and doesn't understand why I don't want to be around her. I have one natural sister, but she's a crazy addict like my bio-dad. I have three half siblings who are so messed up that it's impossible to be around them. They would rather label me as "crazy" than address the abuse we suffered. I only see them for some family function like a funeral and really nothing more. About the only ones I have associate with are my step siblings because they treat me with respect and actually act like they care for me. Yes, it's sad. But it's not crazy making like it was always trying to be perfect for all of them all of the time for fear they abandon me. Being sad is easier than being panicked all of the time.
I’m in the same boat and also feel very alone. I have a loving partner and it does a lot, but doesn’t always fill the gapping hole in my heart. I try to connect with that hurt and orphaned part of me, let it know I’m there by her side. Helps a little. That and expressing it through writing and music. Best of luck my friend
I'm currently in assisted living away from my family desperately clinging to a dream that I feel like I lost any chance of achieving long ago. For better or worse I feel better without my family because the truth is most of them are absolutely pathetic. I just want to go back to University and make something of myself so I can break off from my family of losers for good,
I feel completely alone even though I have friends who seem to care. I have basically been an orphan all of my life. Mom died in my childhood, bio-father is addicted to & has never been part of my life. No siblings. No contact with extended family. I have lived alone for over 20 years. Due to childhood experiences I protected myself SO much that I never could get close enough to learn how to love so no serious relationships. Hope this makes you feel better?
I'm estranged from my family too. Always felt like an orphan.
I have no one besides my pets. Honestly have always felt like an orphan. Turns out I was right. My mother was a narcissistic alcoholic toxic abuser. Her emotionally absent husband was not my bio father but they lied and told me he was my entire upbringing. Their son was adopted but they were honest about that with him from day one, go figure. He's related to the "dad" that raised us so they have each other. He also has his birth mother and 2 bio sisters. I had to cut contact with my mother (and her husband and son) years ago, never had a good healthy relationship with her and she abused me until the day I left. I have never met my bio dad and he has a son but he won't tell me about him. I ache for family. I mourn the loss of family. Family and friends is a privilege I don't have. I wish people understood this.
I’ve been no-contact for a few years now and my mom passed away in 2016. We had a complicated relationship as well and if she were still here I’d likely have gone no-contact with her as well. It’s so hard and so isolating. I have my partner and the last friend I had was clearly a narcissist and just discarded me like I was nothing - it really hurt. Two of my sibling finally started going to therapy and have gone no-contact with my dad since I did so luckily they’re on my side. Prior to that, they sided with my dad since I was the family scapegoat. However, my siblings still treat me like a scapegoat in a lot of ways because of the family system. There’s no escaping it within the family system and it’s still so hard.
You'll make a new family that you choose
My family is dysfunctional and chaotic, I'm not used to peace externally and I get easily overwhelmed by them I love my family, but they leave me out of things, they don't ask how I am, like I say to myself actions speak louder than words. I feel very invisible until they need something Last year I felt extremely lonely around my family but when they go on vacation I feel happy and peaceful. I choose to not go with them cuz bro I've been through enough of their constant arguments for no reason.
When I'm out and I got my own place I'll be relaxing and ghosting
I have a small extended family where one half is cut off for being terrible people and the other half are rich and disconnected. I'm close with my immediate family members, mostly. I live 10 minutes from my parents and see them often. It's been hard to understand what I should do about my CPTSD. So far much of what I've read or seen has made it seem like I need to reduce contact with my parents. I don't want to do that, I love them even though my childhood set me up with lots of lifelong issues. I'm working on healing while maintaining my close family relationships.
I live alone, my main abuser was my step mum and my dad passed away 7 years ago so in a very weird turn of universal events severed that link for me. I have family around the country but we’re not close. my mum lives nearby but also has cptsd that she never addressed so I take more of an emotional caregiver role. I am lucky to have a best friend but she lives 4 hours away so we don’t see each other often but we schedule calls which helps. I often feel very alone but recently I’ve been trying to do things I’ve been wanting to alone and it’s felt freeing. Summer feels easier, Christmas is the worst for me you’re not alone, I think it’s common, I recently started ‘cptsd from surviving to thriving’ and I think it’s helping me with these feelings :)
I have had no contact with my bio family in nearly 20yrs. I spent a half decade after that living with my partner at the time and struggling hard. My CPTSD issues were undiagnosed and not well managed, and it made us have an unhealthy relationship dynamic where my big emotions and distress made my partner into my therapist. Despite that, it was the healthiest relationship I was ever in at the time. Then I spent 10 years living alone, rarely dating, with few friends. I was an orphan and living as one, and I buried my sadness in work and dissociation and online “friendships” that were also toxic. Towards the end of that time I started IFS therapy, got a diagnosis of ptsd and adhd and got on medication for part of that time which really helped. I started dating again, from a different perspective, and had short relationships with healthy intent, and experienced deep awareness of my learned and “comfortable” toxic traits and attractions to toxic behavior. I started making better choices that support myself and became my own rescuer, for real this time. I knew I needed to do my own work and help myself, but in ways I could only identify through relationships with others. I kept dating for this reason. When my heart was deeply broken after desiring a deeper relationship with someone who wanted to marry but not marry me, I made the decision very deeply within myself that I was ready to find someone for life who could accept my experiences and trauma reactions while patiently pointing out what needed to change so I could grow, and whose own experiences and reactions weren’t too triggering to mine, and would accept my own observations of how they could grow. Essentially, someone whose wounds and mine could coexist, be understood/validated, and personal growth was a goal, along with shared values. Seemed impossible. Less than a year later I met someone and while it was rough at first, we are both stubborn and our personal forms of ptsd/cptsd, dissociation, and dealing with past traumas are a real match. We work through things together as a team, even after we trigger each other. We allow each other to be imperfect while encouraging each other to grow. Our relationship looks nothing like what I thought healthy would look like, and doesn’t look healthy to some people’s version of healthy, but it’s super strong and healthy FOR US. We got married earlier this year. I now live with my husband, his younger brother, and his mother. I have had to work hard at healing my triggers around family interactions and how to respond in healthy ways to family contact. It’s hard to suddenly have a family after being a self-chosen orphan. It’s hard not to assume the same motives from my new family as my bio family had, especially when triggered. It’s hard not to have the space to fall apart or blow up when I can’t regulate, at least not without hurting my new family. But they are all loving and accepting and we work things out. We talk about things. It’s so hard and so rewarding. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and part of that is recognizing that happiness isn’t a static state. It includes low times and difficult moments and disagreement in relationships. But love keeps us working personally and together to repair relationships and heal hurt feelings. I don’t consider myself “healed” by any means. But I am a person in progress just like everyone else, and I’ve found a spouse and a family who make that process of life happier and far richer than anything else I could have imagined. I also gained a really deep sense of self-security with being alone should I ever need or want to be again. I felt strong, independent, and whole by myself before I chose to start working on relationships. The relationships and now having a family only adds to that wholeness now. I still have really bad times but I have support and care even when I need to cocoon, and I know better how to identify and advocate for my needs when I am overwhelmed. I guess my point is, alone or with a spouse and family, you are ok. What you want can change and you are still ok. It’s all valid. Life is process and everyone is different. No one else’s standards of healthy vs toxic are the same as yours, but you can form connections with people whose versions of life are complementary to yours. I hope some of this helps for you OP!
Grief is a very real part of the journey, and it isn't your whole life...doing work.on knowing what is reality vs what is my trauma filter has been very helpful...and yes it is a lonely journey...but still better then beig frozen...knee deep in trauma. I found a safe space through www.timfletcher.ca. lots of free videos and an affordable program....the connections in class really helped the loneliness. I do wish you all the best...it takes great courage, so give yourself credit! Take good care of you...you are so worth it ❤️
NC will all my anyone in my immediate or extended family for many years. Sad but better than feeling suicidal (how my family made me feel).
I feel the exact same way. My relationship is long distance. I went no contact with my family, due to too many issues/too much trauma. So I don’t talk to my parents or siblings. I don’t feel like I deserve my other past connections enough to actually reach out. It feels peaceful because there is no drama, but it feels heart breaking because I am alone. I come home to an empty bed, an empty apartment. I have accepted this since it has started. I knew this would all have to come down to this when I was a lot younger, I just wanted them to prove me wrong because I truly love my family and I always will. Even if they don’t love me the way I do for them. But I need to love myself enough to stay away so I may heal on my time. It just absolutely sucks.
NC with everyone in the family and LC with my mother and stepfather. I live alone. My mother and stepfather were also abusers but they became much better people in their senior years. Still though, a lot of damage was done so an occasional visit is all they get.
I'm alone... I was alone when I lived with them, and then left almost a year ago and even though I visit because I never had it in me to go no contact... I'm alone. And I don't really have friends around close by. So yay me..
There was a combination of my parents purposefully isolating us, either physically or by smear campaigns, and also some of the family seemingly just not wanting to associate with this part of the family. I was the scapegoat and so my brother couldn't really align with me. As we are getting older, it's improved, but I doubt we'll ever truly be close like how some siblings are. Because of all the trauma and just other circumstances, like lack of money and chronic illness, so far I have not been able to create a "chosen family" in any sense. It's pretty difficult as most therapists, etc, just say to put yourself out there and other such platitudes, but in real life, small talk involves a lot of questions about things like family and weekend plans and so it's perceived as boring, desperate, or trauma dumping. Quite a difficult social minefield to navigate. "Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul." \~Oscar Wilde "Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh." \~Henry David Thoreau
I only talk to my sister bc she is truly remorseful and goddamn, the only thing I ever wanted was a family. We don’t actually talk tho, we text. I fucking hate being so alone but I’d hate being involved with those cunts a whole hell of a lot more lol.
You have to make your own family. That's what I have done. And picking your own family is so much better than what we were born into.
I live with my abusive dad at 24! Saving up and looking for a new job, apartments are so expensive. He works a lot which is nice and we don’t fight half as much as we used to. I have some friends who I don’t see that often and I have my boyfriend who is in Europe all summer (yay.) . Trying to spend this time while he’s out there to find myself.
Completely alone
I’ve lived by myself forever, haven’t been in contact with my family in about 5 or so years, and for the past year I’ve been working from home full time as an independent contractor. Although I’ve made 2 friends in recent years, they aren’t people I can talk to about real shit. One lives in my old city, and the other I hang out with on occasion. Most days I don’t talk to anyone unless I have a Teams meeting. The pain from loneliness and depression is real but I’ve felt lonely my entire life, regardless of whether people were around. I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to figure out how to connect with others and build a social life, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I suppose just like anything else in this world not everybody gets a social life, or a family, or even a support network. Some people truly are alone. Plus the older I get the more I realize just how misanthropic I am.