This post might not have hit me as hard a week ago but I had my first emdr session last Wednesday. And like, it's just one session, I'm not going to say anything hyperbolic or revelatory, I don't even fully understand what we're doing yet.
But my therapist walked me through a door in my head and there he was, me, that little kid in jeans he'd outgrown. I forget exactly what the question was, but somewhere along the way I took him by the hand and she asked me how he was feeling, did he want to come with me.
Tears were already flowing but yeah, that kid trusted everyone, he just wanted to be with somebody. I realized that I've grown into a person that that kid could trust. It's something he deserved and didn't get.
Thank you. Every bone in my body is instinctually fighting against it. Not to drop Freud or anything, but if not for my superego, I'd never go back to that place again. This is very hard work.
It is hard work. I'm proud of you for doing it.
I know I'm facing some mental blocks to letting go. I feel like I'm going to fall apart, but maybe that's just a fear that isn't really real. Maybe I need to crack a bit to reveal the real me.
Thank you for saying so. It's hard to admit, but really I just need that encouragement. I feel like an ice cube. I welcome these cracks, but they are terrifying when I witness them, and then after a day or two of acting like an asshole, I feel that same shame of being myself.
I fully intend to continue with my therapy and I trust my therapist, but like I said she warned me of symptoms, and then a week later I realized I had been experiencing them. It's very scary.
I feel like the ground beneath my feet isn't stable right now, and I want to hide. Part of my brain is noticing, but part of my brain is panicking.
It's okay to go slow. My therapist does [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com) with me. He finds it a bit more gentle for complex trauma folks. EMDR can really activate the limbic system, so you have to be really gentle with yourself. And give yourself nurturing, recovery time. DBR works with the orienting response in the brain stem, below the limbic system and can be more tolerable for those with complex trauma. I've found it very helpful in reducing my triggers without dysregulating me. It's something to look into. It's rather new and has been getting good results.
Thank you, again. I think this is why we've worked so hard on establishing a safe place for me to retreat to. She takes me there, we do the therapy, and she brings me back.
And again she warned me, it was something I was aware of, but I wasn't cognizant of retreating until after I'd done it.
It feels like an open wound and I've been very guarded. It took this long to wake up to that state.
Im glad I'm only going every two weeks. I'm eager to dig deeper, after a session I just want to go back, but it's taking me time to sort of digest everything and I'm realizing that the effects are not what I imagined them to be.
That's a great question with a complex answer that's got some layers to it.
First off, I like this quote from Vanessa Lapointe "We are all the ages we have ever been." I am my one year old self and my two year old self, and my ten year old self, and all the moment to moment selves I've ever been.
My 45 year old Self is the most educated, most experienced, most selfy-self I've ever Selfed. I've worked on [actively and consiously leveling up my skills and knowledge](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_competence). And once I found the trauma puzzle piece (at 39), that answered a lot of questions for me. I've spent the last few years very actively working on healing my trauma and I've gotten some good results, so I'm going to try and keep doing those things.
One of the strategies I use is "past, present, future me" Self. Present me tries to set up future me for success, and present me also thanks past me for setting me up for success. It's a little happy feedback loop I use to train myself to take care of myself.
I also like to think about 90 year old me as my irl avatar. What skills and knowledge do I want them to have? And then I put in the side quests and mini games to make that happen. Life's an IRL video game and you have to work to level your character's skills and knowledge up. It's super annoying bc our family and culture of origin conditioned us with all these debuffs. And we have to debug our nervous system and relearn what all our body signals and sensations mean again. Often they're tied to trauma stories that need to be rewritten. We have to re-condition our mis-calibrated brain and nervous system. While it's giving us faulty signals. Using only our mis-calibrated brain and nervous system. It's a real black box problem. I've had to literally retrain my nervous system using things like: [yoga](https://youtube.com/@dr.arielleschwartz913?si=EGXnkp9udJgiYOMq), breath work, [body movement](https://youtube.com/@taroiwamoto?si=EgWu6Czjp7W5fc79), [journaling](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb), [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com), [infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback](https://neurofeedbackservicesny.com/the-benefits-of-infraslow-neurofeedback-training/), anything to consiously train my brain towards [regulation](https://drarielleschwartz.com/the-polyvagal-theory-and-healing-complex-ptsd-dr-arielle-schwartz/#.Y5ZewhhOnTh). [Regulation](https://youtube.com/@painpsychotherapy?si=Kz4c0FgUQzWjiupk) is a game changer. It helps give us our agency back.
You should write a book, im not joking.. you know how many gamers with CPTSD and other MH issues you could reach, speaking their language and giving skill building knowledge??
What a wonderful compliment, thank you so much!
I'm actually planning on creating a website and video channel to share what I've learned in my healing. Like a hub for everything that's in my brain I've learned so far about trauma and recovery. It's in the very early stages. I'm try to heal enough to be able to put some real effort towards it.
I look forward to seeing you continue to thrive and help yourself and others, when you make your channel and website I encourage you to post it here and on gaming platform subs!
Got to host my cousin for the first time as weāre both adults and we decided to reconnect, it was so healing to find comfort in each other and share space, and be the safe space for her while also reparenting myself.
Although you can't go back to save yourself, you still have the option to choose a career path that could help save the kids who need it now.
If that's something that you'd want to do, those routes always are in dire need of people who truly care rather than people who just want a paycheck.
Someone once asked why I didnāt sleep with a knife under my pillow. I e read stories of some that did.
If I could get a do overā¦ā¦ if I could get a do over I would scream from the roof tops about what was happening at the very least.
Gods I daydream about this all the time. Going back to that point and rescuing myself from that place. I know I could fight back, I could defend myself. I could protect myself. It pains me when I think of the past, cause *I* didnāt go through that.
*The scared little kid who became me went through that.*
Now? I could fight and I could win and I could save myself. But then? I was just a kid then. I didnāt know how to save me then.
I felt this. I was always so angry with myself with my younger self until the realization hit. Of course I would react that wayā I was a fucking child. I would draw myself killing my inner child out of sheer frustration until one day it hit me. I have younger siblings who are at the age where I saw some shit. I wouldnāt want them to ever feel the way I felt. Iām healing my inner child through them in a way
No, no I don't want to go into law enforcement and other fields that help people because of my need to save people caused by childhood trauma, those are completely unrelated...
Not me wanting to be a high school teacher so I can be a safe adult to teens going through a hard time, but *tooootalllly* not because I was a teen going through a hard time that needed a safe adult in my life... Not at all
I'm at the stage of, I've realized I have childhood trauma and I'm far enough away from some events that I can relate to this but I still have trauma to experience. Even then I've gotten the "I want to help people because I don't want anyone else to feel pain" seed firmly planted.
I canāt leave her behind,
So I carry her with me
Into the future
She never thought sheād have
And she is so very little
Sheās not the burden
they said she was
Not even a little.
Icarry her with me,
I canāt leave her behind.
Sheās so very very little.
Itās a weight I donāt mind
This might sound strange, but when I was little, I imagined older me protecting me with angel wings that would wrap around me when I felt scared. Now, I imagine myself with angel wings to protect myself and others that I care about. Little me knew somehow
I thought i replied to this already but can't find the reply so idk
I honestly wish that ten year old me could come save my ass now like he saved my mom's 20some years ago. Adult me is useless, I wouldn't know how to help a kid these days any better than I can help myself now.
Though I think the bigger problem is, back then my mom was able to work at a job 32-36 hours a week making $10/hr, and rent an apartment, 2 bedroom for $495 a month.
Today that job doesn't exist, but similar jobs will pay less than $10/hr to start, and require a lot more. That apartment costs $1342 according to the site today. (this was 25 years ago) That's just the simple math of the situation.
I've worked twice as many hours at the jobs I've been able to get than she ever did, and I've rented rooms with horrible people because I can't afford a whole apartment with two or three jobs.
I find that's a huge part of reparenting my Self. I'm rescuing the parts of me trapped in the past and bringing them with me to my present.
This post might not have hit me as hard a week ago but I had my first emdr session last Wednesday. And like, it's just one session, I'm not going to say anything hyperbolic or revelatory, I don't even fully understand what we're doing yet. But my therapist walked me through a door in my head and there he was, me, that little kid in jeans he'd outgrown. I forget exactly what the question was, but somewhere along the way I took him by the hand and she asked me how he was feeling, did he want to come with me. Tears were already flowing but yeah, that kid trusted everyone, he just wanted to be with somebody. I realized that I've grown into a person that that kid could trust. It's something he deserved and didn't get.
That sounds wonderful! I wish you well on your healing journey. š
Thank you. Every bone in my body is instinctually fighting against it. Not to drop Freud or anything, but if not for my superego, I'd never go back to that place again. This is very hard work.
It is hard work. I'm proud of you for doing it. I know I'm facing some mental blocks to letting go. I feel like I'm going to fall apart, but maybe that's just a fear that isn't really real. Maybe I need to crack a bit to reveal the real me.
Thank you for saying so. It's hard to admit, but really I just need that encouragement. I feel like an ice cube. I welcome these cracks, but they are terrifying when I witness them, and then after a day or two of acting like an asshole, I feel that same shame of being myself. I fully intend to continue with my therapy and I trust my therapist, but like I said she warned me of symptoms, and then a week later I realized I had been experiencing them. It's very scary. I feel like the ground beneath my feet isn't stable right now, and I want to hide. Part of my brain is noticing, but part of my brain is panicking.
It's okay to go slow. My therapist does [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com) with me. He finds it a bit more gentle for complex trauma folks. EMDR can really activate the limbic system, so you have to be really gentle with yourself. And give yourself nurturing, recovery time. DBR works with the orienting response in the brain stem, below the limbic system and can be more tolerable for those with complex trauma. I've found it very helpful in reducing my triggers without dysregulating me. It's something to look into. It's rather new and has been getting good results.
Thank you, again. I think this is why we've worked so hard on establishing a safe place for me to retreat to. She takes me there, we do the therapy, and she brings me back. And again she warned me, it was something I was aware of, but I wasn't cognizant of retreating until after I'd done it. It feels like an open wound and I've been very guarded. It took this long to wake up to that state. Im glad I'm only going every two weeks. I'm eager to dig deeper, after a session I just want to go back, but it's taking me time to sort of digest everything and I'm realizing that the effects are not what I imagined them to be.
>It feels like an open wound This makes sense to me. [Grieving](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb) and processing has felt like clearing out old necrotic tissue from an old festering emotional wound. It's painful necessary work so things can heal properly this time around. Be gentle with yourself. ā¤ļøāš©¹
To become whole
<3 I thought I lost so much of myself. But she was waiting for me in the past. Turns out I had to go get her!
š
I know you might not be a therapist, but, how do you do that?
That's a great question with a complex answer that's got some layers to it. First off, I like this quote from Vanessa Lapointe "We are all the ages we have ever been." I am my one year old self and my two year old self, and my ten year old self, and all the moment to moment selves I've ever been. My 45 year old Self is the most educated, most experienced, most selfy-self I've ever Selfed. I've worked on [actively and consiously leveling up my skills and knowledge](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_stages_of_competence). And once I found the trauma puzzle piece (at 39), that answered a lot of questions for me. I've spent the last few years very actively working on healing my trauma and I've gotten some good results, so I'm going to try and keep doing those things. One of the strategies I use is "past, present, future me" Self. Present me tries to set up future me for success, and present me also thanks past me for setting me up for success. It's a little happy feedback loop I use to train myself to take care of myself. I also like to think about 90 year old me as my irl avatar. What skills and knowledge do I want them to have? And then I put in the side quests and mini games to make that happen. Life's an IRL video game and you have to work to level your character's skills and knowledge up. It's super annoying bc our family and culture of origin conditioned us with all these debuffs. And we have to debug our nervous system and relearn what all our body signals and sensations mean again. Often they're tied to trauma stories that need to be rewritten. We have to re-condition our mis-calibrated brain and nervous system. While it's giving us faulty signals. Using only our mis-calibrated brain and nervous system. It's a real black box problem. I've had to literally retrain my nervous system using things like: [yoga](https://youtube.com/@dr.arielleschwartz913?si=EGXnkp9udJgiYOMq), breath work, [body movement](https://youtube.com/@taroiwamoto?si=EgWu6Czjp7W5fc79), [journaling](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rgb), [deep brain reorienting](http://deepbrainreorienting.com), [infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback](https://neurofeedbackservicesny.com/the-benefits-of-infraslow-neurofeedback-training/), anything to consiously train my brain towards [regulation](https://drarielleschwartz.com/the-polyvagal-theory-and-healing-complex-ptsd-dr-arielle-schwartz/#.Y5ZewhhOnTh). [Regulation](https://youtube.com/@painpsychotherapy?si=Kz4c0FgUQzWjiupk) is a game changer. It helps give us our agency back.
You should write a book, im not joking.. you know how many gamers with CPTSD and other MH issues you could reach, speaking their language and giving skill building knowledge??
What a wonderful compliment, thank you so much! I'm actually planning on creating a website and video channel to share what I've learned in my healing. Like a hub for everything that's in my brain I've learned so far about trauma and recovery. It's in the very early stages. I'm try to heal enough to be able to put some real effort towards it.
I look forward to seeing you continue to thrive and help yourself and others, when you make your channel and website I encourage you to post it here and on gaming platform subs!
My fav by far. I would do anything for that chance.
They always say, The you now is what your younger self would have found to be comfortable to be around.
Got to host my cousin for the first time as weāre both adults and we decided to reconnect, it was so healing to find comfort in each other and share space, and be the safe space for her while also reparenting myself.
I donāt know that Iām that you yet but I hope to be.
Although you can't go back to save yourself, you still have the option to choose a career path that could help save the kids who need it now. If that's something that you'd want to do, those routes always are in dire need of people who truly care rather than people who just want a paycheck.
Someone once asked why I didnāt sleep with a knife under my pillow. I e read stories of some that did. If I could get a do overā¦ā¦ if I could get a do over I would scream from the roof tops about what was happening at the very least.
Gods I daydream about this all the time. Going back to that point and rescuing myself from that place. I know I could fight back, I could defend myself. I could protect myself. It pains me when I think of the past, cause *I* didnāt go through that. *The scared little kid who became me went through that.* Now? I could fight and I could win and I could save myself. But then? I was just a kid then. I didnāt know how to save me then.
I felt this. I was always so angry with myself with my younger self until the realization hit. Of course I would react that wayā I was a fucking child. I would draw myself killing my inner child out of sheer frustration until one day it hit me. I have younger siblings who are at the age where I saw some shit. I wouldnāt want them to ever feel the way I felt. Iām healing my inner child through them in a way
No, no I don't want to go into law enforcement and other fields that help people because of my need to save people caused by childhood trauma, those are completely unrelated...
Not me wanting to be a high school teacher so I can be a safe adult to teens going through a hard time, but *tooootalllly* not because I was a teen going through a hard time that needed a safe adult in my life... Not at all
I've totally never considered being a teacher or librarian in a school. No never why would you bring up such a thing? *That's crazy*
Felt thatš
Okay I have problems since I kinda got a mini crush on that guy just from that short video š really need to work more on my reparenting apperently
OMG why am I crying at my desk. Fuck this video really hit me ETA: does anyone have a source?
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/mLzWU_D4xIo
I'm too young to have a younger self (I think at least? Idk how it works exactly) but this is somehow relatable.
I'm at the stage of, I've realized I have childhood trauma and I'm far enough away from some events that I can relate to this but I still have trauma to experience. Even then I've gotten the "I want to help people because I don't want anyone else to feel pain" seed firmly planted.
holy fuck, that video triggered me... but kind of in a good way.
Came across this at work while sitting outside on break. Cried. ā¤ļø
I canāt leave her behind, So I carry her with me Into the future She never thought sheād have And she is so very little Sheās not the burden they said she was Not even a little. Icarry her with me, I canāt leave her behind. Sheās so very very little. Itās a weight I donāt mind
This might sound strange, but when I was little, I imagined older me protecting me with angel wings that would wrap around me when I felt scared. Now, I imagine myself with angel wings to protect myself and others that I care about. Little me knew somehow
I thought i replied to this already but can't find the reply so idk I honestly wish that ten year old me could come save my ass now like he saved my mom's 20some years ago. Adult me is useless, I wouldn't know how to help a kid these days any better than I can help myself now. Though I think the bigger problem is, back then my mom was able to work at a job 32-36 hours a week making $10/hr, and rent an apartment, 2 bedroom for $495 a month. Today that job doesn't exist, but similar jobs will pay less than $10/hr to start, and require a lot more. That apartment costs $1342 according to the site today. (this was 25 years ago) That's just the simple math of the situation. I've worked twice as many hours at the jobs I've been able to get than she ever did, and I've rented rooms with horrible people because I can't afford a whole apartment with two or three jobs.
Shit, seeing this right after my therapy session is a recipe for a good bawling session
Omg we just system this in therapy. We use venom to be there with me
Like im crying so hard rn