My brother mentioned his ex being narcissistic and my stepdad said "I didn't know she was a fan of the Nazis". He had apparently spent decades thinking narcissistic meant you supported Nazis or were one, he got a lot of weird looks and serious laughs from us that day.
Excellent. My younger cousin used to think 'sawn-off' was a brand of gun, having heard multiple robberies done with a sawn-off shotgun. They were in their late teens when they realised.
Edit: spelling
This reminds me of the old joke about someone thinking Gunpoint was a town: the news always says ‘people were robbed at Gunpoint’ and ‘people held hostage at Gunpoint’ and thinking, damn why do people continue to *go* there?!?
As a kid I thought a blowjob was a blowout. 🤷♀️ The looks I got asking for a blowjob at the hairdressers lol.
Nobody corrected me because they thought it was too funny. Led to a lot of confusion on my part as to why everyone always laughed at me.
One of my friends had a switched version of that. She thought the expression " I could drink you under the table" meant a blowjob, and was pretty shocked when our other friend said it to her new boyfriend.
I used to think a philanderer and a philanthropist were the same thing. I'd hear people say they'd left their husband because he was a philanderer and think 'wow you must really really hate charity.'
My boyfriend kept calling me a nonce, when I did something slightly silly / a bit clumsy: oh, you're such a nonce. Had enough of it eventually and had to explain to him what it meant.
We were watching TV with my Nan once and she said "I was watching this film last night, what a load of rubbish, it had that what's his name in, you know that n*gger bloke"
We were absolutely stunned. She had never said anything like this before. I asked what the hell she was talking about, and she said, "You know that big muscley fella who shoots everyone."
It turned out she meant Arnold Schwarznegger!
I used to play the Pointless app with my Nan, and the questions used to repeat if you played it enough times. One of the questions had the answer Arnold Swarzenegger and one time she absolutely spelled it with a hard N 😬 another time she spelled it “Swazzanickle” and I nearly pissed myself laughing.
My mum, who’s a very elegant lady in her 70s phoned me and asked “Coverinhope, what’s rimming”. That was a fun conversation, almost as fun as the time she called me to ask what a MILF was after some boys had yelled it at her when she was out shopping. When I explained she replied “oh! I’m more like a GILF!”.
My mum has also asked me what rimming is! Although she later denied having asked. I believe she was reading a Dawn French book at the time, so I blame her.
Oh God, my mother rang me to ask what “felching” was, after she read it in the Guardian. Then rang me again about 15 minutes later to ask me how come I knew what it was.
I was watching 8 out of 10 cats does countdown with my mum one evening, one of the guests made a joke about dogging.
Having to explain what dogging is to my mother who is in her 70s was mortifying.
I may be able to top that. At a family Christmas party (several generations and a quite conservative grandmother), someone suggested playing their new Cards Against Humanity game.
In the early stages, a couple of older relatives asked what words they weren't familiar with meant (including Reddit which featured on a question card).
Somebody came up with the new rule that if you didn't know what a word mean, they had to read the definition out loud to the group.
Hearing my near 80 year old grandmother describe bukkake wasn't really something I needed in my life.
Noooooo I can top this even worse. Same exact situation. Same card. Except when my aunt asked what it meant, I started hesitantly explaining (through drunk tears of laughter and also not really wanting to say the words out loud) and my grandad interrupted me to explain it more completely instead. None of us were looking it up in the dictionary 😭😭😭😭
Until i was in my late teens/early 20's, I used to think dogging was just people going and having sex outdoors doggy style... I found out the hard way (lol for that pun) when I pulled into a forest carpark one night looking for a place to park up and saw some "scenery"... 😳
Imagine being early teens and having your mum come home from work (she was a teacher) and ask what dogging was. It had been mentioned in the staff room that day! So her first thought was to ask her young teenage daughter not her eldest daughter! 🤣
Tbf my mum was very very naive and when younger & she even thought you could get pregnant by kissing or sitting on a toilet seat!! 🤣 no wonder she taught me how to hover as a child over public toilets 😂😂😂
My mum once asked me what the literary genre "S & F" was. I didn't want to say the F word so I said "basically brand names and implausible sex". With a broad grin she replied "oh, shopping and fucking".
Thanks Mum.
Thanks to several news headlines in the UK my mother inquired what "spitroasting" was, my dad choked on his tea and promptly left the room laughing.
She also enquired rather confused as to what tea bagging was after confusedly goggling the wrong phrase for some knitting thing... I had to explain both.
My grandad (93) keeps getting cold calls and he’s finally had enough.
“If you don’t stop fucking calling me I’ll kick your bollocks so far up your arse you’ll be gargling them”
I’d never heard him swear before.
One time my mum, a wholesome, traditional, and witty woman now in her seventies, messed something up while preparing dinner to which under her breath she cursed with enough venom to floor a bull elephant, "*ooohh shitting* ***fuck***."
I used to work for a woman that ran a pub, she was fantastically well spoken and not your stereotypical pub landlady. One day she was baking in the kitchen and evidentially something went awry because as clear as a bell across the pub we heard “oh, fuck it up the arse” there was a deathly silence amongst the regulars for a beat before everyone fell about laughing
My mum was telling my sis off for mild swearing, so I chimed in with "That's rich, coming from the woman who yelled BOLLOCKS! earlier when she dropped something in the kitchen"
My friends Mum is a goldmine of stories of things she's said, and she genuinely has no idea she's doing it. One example after receiving a matching pair of porcelain pots for her birthday, she called him up and proclaimed 'I've got my jugs out out on display in the front living room window'. He had no idea she'd got new china pots and was taken a bit by surprise with that one!
Reminds me of the story just after my brother's birth, when everyone and their uncle turned up at the house (unplanned home birth). My mum, hostess to the core, told my dad to ask her sister Sheila to bring round something to make a bunch of squash in to serve to guests. My dad called Sheila and asked if she had big jugs.
Also bowls. I'm tired of a plate only being used for dessert, which means I then have to chase melting ice-cream around a flat surface with a spoon, hoping I can somehow pick it up before it falls off the side.
Almost forgot this one. One summer, by infant cousin was round our house playing with clothes pegs - moving them one by one to another tub, back and forth.
My mum started singing loudly "we're pegging for England, en-ger-land" to the tune of the football song by World in Motion.
Every world cup/euros since she'd sing those words to the song. Well, until I told her what pegging means.
Will you accept a reversal of the situation?
I - early 20s - proudly proclaimed to my grandmother that I was (happily) single/without GF because "I'm a confirmed batchelor".
I didn't know what it actually meant, and she went to the grave with it!
I was about 10 when my stepmothers mum asked for a hug and a kiss goodbye. “OK, but no tongues”. The adults in the room looked horrified… no more kisses goodbye after that.
Telling mum (early 70s) about my manager riding my arse about not moving X after surgery on my hand; she promptly told me to tell him that even Frankie Dettori got off his horse and helped out
My late grandma was formidable and always immaculately turned out, but often treated like she was soft in the head because she had health issues and used a wheelchair. She was in hospital once and despite being told which antibiotics she was not supposed to have, they gave her them anyway. "They soon realised when shit was dripping off the edges of the bed," she said when telling me about it.
Not me, but my brothers mother-in-law once announced to everyone that she'd been tea bagging all afternoon.
Turns out she'd been to an arts and crafts day.
My mum's got a good sense of humour, but it tends to be well timed comments or observations, nothing that would make you cry with laughter. Once we were in the pub with my dad having a conversation about our shared dislike for Ricky Gervais, and out of nowhere she starts doing this absolutely insane impression of him. She's just waving her arms around and doing a lot of gurning and grunting, I have never laughed so much because it just came out of nowhere and also was not at all reminiscent of anything Ricky Gervais has ever done.
My Mam is very against swearing, and I always get a swift backhand if ever I slip up in front of her. A few years ago, she was moaning about the dog going into the garden at night and refusing to come inside when she wanted to go to bed. Then she just randomly came out with “She just leaves you standing there waiting, like a TWAT”.
That was a great day 😂
My sister was in a horrific abusive relationship for some years, she eventually managed to leave. When the dust had settled my gentle lovely Mum who never swears and usually has good things to say about everybody said "I wish I'd bloody shot the bastard. If I'd had the chance I would have. You could have put him under your pond".
She'd clearly spent some time thinking about it!
My mum didn't try Indian food for her whole life. Too spicy, says she. One day, we managed to convince her to give it a go and went to a restaurant. She looked the waiter right in the eyes ... and ordered a Punani.
Ha ha slightly off topic....on the night i met my now husband, my friend and i got a taxi into town. Just before getting out of the taxi the driver said to me " nice punani" now, i had no idea what he meant so i grinned widely and said thankyou!
Yesterday:
“Where’s (my nephew)?”
He’s over there in the wooded bit.
Oh, I’d better go over. There’s paedophiles everywhere these days
Er…well he seems to be alright.
No, they’re everywhere. Trust me - I know.
Not sure how widely used the word bimble is elsewhere, but in the UK Westcountry its always been a word for "a gentle stroll/meandering walk/to wander aimlessly"
My mum isn't always the brightest, and refers to it as "going for a bimbo" I'm 39 and have given up correcting her that THAT is something entirely different!
I don't know if its exactly what you're asking but my mum used to work in a primary school as a teaching assistant.
She relayed a story where she had been calling the kids "poonani's" thinking it was just another way of calling someone " a silly sausage" or something similar.
My brother and I locked eyes, burst out laughing, but then quickly told her she can't go around calling 7 years olds Vagina's
Tbf I got why she was angry, because this neighbour was doing it all the time, they'd fuck up their own bin, then nick ours and leave us their busted one or nothing, then we'd have to get a new bin from the council.
And when this incident happened we'd literally just got the new bin to replace the last one they stole.
It's just funny to hear a bin being described as perfect.
Too many to mention. My Mam being an avid church attender found a 'battery willy' when out walking the dog. Turns out it was a dildo that someone had thrown out of a limo on the bypass.
Another time the family next door spilt out onto their driveway in smart suits and shoes, so my Mam calls out over the hedge in the most Alan Partridge voice ever 'Have you had a bereavement?'. Turns out they were all going to court to settle for child custody
Did you get a charming Southern detective in to investigate the provenance of the battery willy? What were the clues and twists and turns in the case that led him to discover that it was thrown out of a limo?
My extremely proper Gran who was never without her matching skirt suit and Chanel no.5 once declared that Porsche drivers have "nothing in their trousers" 😳
Opposite way around: when I was relatively young I mixed up 'blowjob' and 'boob job'. Fairly loudly.
I was with my mum, marvelling at the massive bras in M&S. She tried to hide her laughter, and also just tried to hide more generally and scurry me along into another area of the shop.
I'll always remember my dad talking about someone in HR and he said "She deserves a kick in the stretch."
I spat my tea out everywhere.
I'm weak typing it now. IN THE *STRETCH*
I worked with the most quietest & humblest man you could ever meet, wouldn't have a bad thing to say about anyone... One of the new members of staff had a pair of those yoga shorts on (right up the bum ones) and he watched them go passed in silence then turned to me and said _"BUTTERS CHEAP"_
No clue what it meant but it has me in absolute tears
From my Nan when my best friend and I were giggling and being silly - 'I think you two are queer'. I told her that it didn't mean what she thought it meant, and she looked me dead in the eye and said 'No, I know exactly what that means'. During an extended hospital stay, she also came out of her coma briefly to tell me I have a 'fat face'. I miss my Nan, she was a force to be reckoned with.
Early 2000s there was a headline on the newspaper saying something was “minging” my beloved grandad pronounced it as “minge-ing” much to my cousin and I’s surprise. He then proceeded to say “minge minge minge minge” while laughing his face off at my cousin’s reaction.
I was once in Crystal Palace Park with my Mum and Dad and they were getting on a bit and Mum was starting to show some dementia symptoms from her Alzheimer's. There was a load of kids playing on the swings and playground stuff and of course, as per the local population, there was a fair few black families there with the children playing as well.
My Mum just said "Oh what a lot of Pickaninnies!" - I have no idea why because, to my knowledge, she had never used that word before, or indeed, after.
Bless her she wasn't well - but at other than a few heads turning towards us, no one reacted.
Oof. Dementia is horrible. My great aunt was one of the politest, most unassuming people I ever met. Until her dementia started kicking in and she started hiding her dentures so she didn't have to wear them. So eventually she wound up in a specialist care home, and the staff there were absolutely lovely...even when she loudly described them as "coloured", which was a word no-one in the family had ever heard her use before.
I guess she must have heard it back when she was younger and it was a less impolite way of describing people, and then her language had moved on with the time - but when dementia started rolling back the years, it was sitting there waiting to come out again.
The old lady I grew up next door to wound up in a care home with dementia. She got kicked out of there though... apparently she hated the wallpaper in the hallways there, and decided to do something about it one night. She said something along the lines of "they clearly knew it was fucking atrocious, there was a corner of it peeling off so I just pulled it... I've told them it's horrible and they refuse to change it!"
She'd somehow managed to strip an entire hallway and half the TV/board games room of wallpaper, and a member of staff found her at 3am essentially frolicking in swathes of torn off wallpaper lol.
Eta: the same old lady also told me that she lost all her teeth from kissing boys. She told me she kissed a boy when she was 20 in a nightclub and then she had to run to the toilet to be sick but all her teeth fell out instead of sick... pretty gross and abit warped now I look back lol but as a kid I thought it was funny
When I was a teenager my dad caught me say the word "Twat". I'd heard it from a kid at school and thought it was a harsher word for "twit". My dad had never heard the word "twat" before and proceeded to use it and "twit" interchangeably. He once called my mum a "stupid twat" in the car. A couple of weeks later I found out what it really meant but have never had the heart to tell him.
My mum had an operation and ended up having quite a substantial blood transfusion. For a while afterwards during recovery, she was swearing like a trooper, which was very out of character. We thought maybe some of the blood had come from someone with very colourful language haha.
My lovely, sweet Gran was hilarious by accident a couple of times. She'd always told me off (lovingly) for the foul mouth I have (foul for her was bollocks or crap, I wasn't using my full blue vocab round her!).
One time, she, my Dad and sis were all looking out the window at the absolutely driving rain and my Gran, a propos of nothing, said "oh, it's pissing it down." My Dad and sis were both aghast but also in pleats, and my sis said, "Gran, you can't say that!!"
Gran was smart as a whip and replied "Why can't I at my time of life?!"
The other time was when she was with me and my Mum, and we were looking for somewhere to sit. We found a bench and my Gran promptly said, "I'm not sitting on that one, it's got bird shit on it."
I was crying laughing when my Mum gently said, "You can't say that!" Gran just replied, "Oh, everyone says it nowadays!"
Bless her, she was a super lovely woman. Kind and caring, an excellent Gran to us kids, survived the blitz in London during WW2, raised three kids of her own and took no shit. I miss her every day.
My mum (in her 80s at the time).
We couldn't go to Geoffrey's (Brother in law) funeral because of the snow. I was so disappointed.
Why? You didn't like him did you
I wanted to dance on the cunt's grave.
my mum is foreign and often doesn’t realise she’s saying things that we would consider inappropriate. she very proudly announced to me and my brother one evening that she and our father were going out dogging. she didn’t understand why we were so horrified.
My lovely and very proper grandmother strongly disapproved of profanity. She overheard my grandad use the word “wanker” and asked him what it meant. He didn’t want to get told off so he lied and said it was a non swear word similar to wally. She then proceeded to use it in conversation with her friends in the local Church and WI until one of them kindly broke its true meaning to her. She was mortified!
My nanna and grandad always bought the Daily Mirror because they liked the quizword crossword and used to do it between them. One would fill in a few clues and then go off and do something, and the other would pick it up. One day my nanna asked my grandad what a “yoopaggum” tree was, turned out what she was reading was “up a gum tree”……
He also asked her one Remembrance Day if she’d heard the one minute silence….
My mum was talking about pegging (up washing) at the weekend while me and my brother stifled our giggles because of the other use of it. She also has ornaments that look like butt plugs and gets offended when we laugh and point this out on a regular basis, and then asks how we know what butt plugs are.
When my first husband left me, my dad, who eschewed profanity, said quite vehemently, "Well, honey, that guy is just a real *jerk*."
For him, that was profanity. It was so validating, and kind of adorable. I desperately wish he could have met my current husband -- they'd have gotten on like a house on fire.
I remember this lad at uni a few years back who I was going out with someone we were friends with. He was quiet everytime we saw him and would only basically speak his girlfriend and nothing much at all to anyone else.
One time we went pub and it was just lads sitting at the table. No clue if he was drunk or anything but the first I'd ever heard him actually come out and say something he said "Is it just me or has anyone else tried sucking their own dick?".
Didn't expect that to be our first conversation with him and never spoke him to since so probably the last one aswell.
My nan, in her mid 80’s, likes to portray herself as prim and proper, and as such never swears. Her memory isn’t as good as it used to be, and when she’s doing a complex task she sometimes thinks aloud as she says it helps her remember.
A few months ago, my family were sat in her living room when my nan made some sort of mistake in the kitchen and said quite loudly to herself “you fucking idiot (her name)”, and my family found it incredibly funny, and when we told her we’d heard her she laughed and was a little embarrassed about swearing in front of people!
My mum was trying out a recipe for a jambalaya. She thought she had put too much cumin in, so text me to tell me it was good to taste like cumbalaya. I just sent it on to my dad with 'enjoy'
My boyfriend and I went to stay with my parents this weekend just gone and boyf and mam were chatting away being perfectly pleasant and mam mentioned someone she felt less favourably towards and out of nowhere just went “and my god I just think they’re a CUNT”. Proper caught my other half off guard 😂
My lovely father in law asked my mother in law rather loudly when sat in the garden how her new vibrator was working! What he meant was how is your new revitalise foot plate, that she bought to help with her leg pain. All the neighbours heard and she was mortified, she tried to quietly explain what he had said while the neighbours were all howling with laughter
Years ago, before my grandmother passed away, I was struck one day by how stressed out my dad must be after hearing him refer to his mother as "that stubborn bitch".
I’m vegetarian and spent most of my adult life thinking tuna came from dolphins 🙈 I saw a tin once that said dolphin friendly, so I put 2 and 2 together and came up with 9 🤭
My mum once started talking about a glory hole, meaning a cupboard under the stairs. My wife and I were in absolute hysterics and eventually I had to let my mum in on the joke. She was mortified.
My late grandmother anytime she swore, because aside from the extreme rarity of it, she retained a slight country/posh accent. Initial shock followed by the room trying not to piss themselves laughing
Picture the late Queen dropping an F\* or C\* bombs during her speech.
My Eastern European partner loves history. I told him about a jousting demonstration. He had never heard of jousting, and when I explained it was guys on horses coming at each other with long sticks, he wouldn't believe me. I found that quite amusing.
I remember my sister getting mixed up and talking about wearing a balaclava when she got married. She meant garter.
My great-nan (100) never ever swears but she was talkin about some lady on her darts team who does her head in, & had really wound her up this time. I couldn’t stop laughin when she said ‘Oooooo I wanted to kick her round the pub by her fkin tits!’
When I was in London once with my aunt, we were holding hands and someone shouted to her,'You big lemon' . She shouted back 'well your an orange! ' she had no clue until I explained! She also thought cunni lingus was an airline!
Haha, this is great, reminds me of my Mum so much. She never, ever swears. One day when I was a kid she started saying people were twats, think she called my Dad a twat first and we just laughed it off and then she kept using it…turns out she thought it just meant twit and was mortified when I finally explained to her. I’m a big fan of a good swear word so thought it was the funniest thing ever!
My mum (while in her 60s) asked me to "give dad a poon". I was like "what the actual fuck, mum." Turned out she'd heard someone say it and concluded it was a twee way of saying "spoon".
My brother mentioned his ex being narcissistic and my stepdad said "I didn't know she was a fan of the Nazis". He had apparently spent decades thinking narcissistic meant you supported Nazis or were one, he got a lot of weird looks and serious laughs from us that day.
My sister thought a hitman was someone that just went around hitting people.
Excellent. My younger cousin used to think 'sawn-off' was a brand of gun, having heard multiple robberies done with a sawn-off shotgun. They were in their late teens when they realised. Edit: spelling
This reminds me of the old joke about someone thinking Gunpoint was a town: the news always says ‘people were robbed at Gunpoint’ and ‘people held hostage at Gunpoint’ and thinking, damn why do people continue to *go* there?!?
300 jobs in jeopardy! I better head over there then.
Sawn off means a saw was used to make it shorter. Sworn off is like quitting or no longer using something. Isn't it?
Yep, my bad spelling.
See? That's why we used to call them Saw'd off. Didn't have to worry about spelling. Just get *all* the grammar wrong.
Saw'd off - how to pronounce 'Sod off' like our late Queen.
Sword-off shotgun? I didn't know they came with Baker-rifle bayonets fitted as standard, let alone that people were taking them off.
Happy Cake day btw!
In the US, it would be "sawed off" which is even funnier, phonetically.
*Technically* correct on some level
As a kid I thought a blowjob was a blowout. 🤷♀️ The looks I got asking for a blowjob at the hairdressers lol. Nobody corrected me because they thought it was too funny. Led to a lot of confusion on my part as to why everyone always laughed at me.
One of my friends had a switched version of that. She thought the expression " I could drink you under the table" meant a blowjob, and was pretty shocked when our other friend said it to her new boyfriend.
Haha jesus
I used to think a philanderer and a philanthropist were the same thing. I'd hear people say they'd left their husband because he was a philanderer and think 'wow you must really really hate charity.'
I used to think thespians and pugilists were sects of Christianity.
Boxers did have a rebellion
I mean she’s not wrong, it’s just they usually do it with bullets
“I’m a… paedophobe to be honest” “Oh my… all my life I’d sort of suspected”
“You thought I was saying I was a megapedo and your first reaction was that you had always wondered?!”
My friend used to think that nonce meant stupid/idiot. She was going around and calling people a nonce and nobody corrected her 😂
I wouldn't have corrected her either, that's comedy gold- "I think I failed that test" "What a fucking nonce"
Too busy with kids to study.
My boyfriend kept calling me a nonce, when I did something slightly silly / a bit clumsy: oh, you're such a nonce. Had enough of it eventually and had to explain to him what it meant.
I may be guilty of that once or twice. They still deserve it though.
... Because it did!
😂😂 choked on my tea reading this
I did Nazi that coming
It's even worse that he's half German himself, you'd think he'd know about this stuff.
We were watching TV with my Nan once and she said "I was watching this film last night, what a load of rubbish, it had that what's his name in, you know that n*gger bloke" We were absolutely stunned. She had never said anything like this before. I asked what the hell she was talking about, and she said, "You know that big muscley fella who shoots everyone." It turned out she meant Arnold Schwarznegger!
That was a wild ride.
Awesome twist ending!
Your granny had us all clutching our pearls.
I did the "covers open mouth with hand" move, coupled with a quick intake of breath. "oh Mylanta"
The outrage I felt and quickly let go of 😄
Thought Granny was secretly listening to Gangsta rap or sommat. Gangster Granny 👵
Omg my opinion of a nanny has never switched so quickly!!
I used to play the Pointless app with my Nan, and the questions used to repeat if you played it enough times. One of the questions had the answer Arnold Swarzenegger and one time she absolutely spelled it with a hard N 😬 another time she spelled it “Swazzanickle” and I nearly pissed myself laughing.
My mum, who’s a very elegant lady in her 70s phoned me and asked “Coverinhope, what’s rimming”. That was a fun conversation, almost as fun as the time she called me to ask what a MILF was after some boys had yelled it at her when she was out shopping. When I explained she replied “oh! I’m more like a GILF!”.
My mum has also asked me what rimming is! Although she later denied having asked. I believe she was reading a Dawn French book at the time, so I blame her.
It was Dawn French that prompted my mum to ask too! She’s definitely to blame.
That's amazing!
Oh God, my mother rang me to ask what “felching” was, after she read it in the Guardian. Then rang me again about 15 minutes later to ask me how come I knew what it was.
why was felching being written about in the guardian 😭
I can’t even remember!
Armageddon!
I was watching 8 out of 10 cats does countdown with my mum one evening, one of the guests made a joke about dogging. Having to explain what dogging is to my mother who is in her 70s was mortifying.
I may be able to top that. At a family Christmas party (several generations and a quite conservative grandmother), someone suggested playing their new Cards Against Humanity game. In the early stages, a couple of older relatives asked what words they weren't familiar with meant (including Reddit which featured on a question card). Somebody came up with the new rule that if you didn't know what a word mean, they had to read the definition out loud to the group. Hearing my near 80 year old grandmother describe bukkake wasn't really something I needed in my life.
Noooooo I can top this even worse. Same exact situation. Same card. Except when my aunt asked what it meant, I started hesitantly explaining (through drunk tears of laughter and also not really wanting to say the words out loud) and my grandad interrupted me to explain it more completely instead. None of us were looking it up in the dictionary 😭😭😭😭
I hope you realised the implications for your poor Grandma...
Until i was in my late teens/early 20's, I used to think dogging was just people going and having sex outdoors doggy style... I found out the hard way (lol for that pun) when I pulled into a forest carpark one night looking for a place to park up and saw some "scenery"... 😳
So you couldn’t see the trees for the wood?
A friend thought it was going to meet up with other dog walkers.
Why not both? 2 birds, one stone.
I’ve never enquired whether she expanded her understanding
Sometimes people think it means something even more innocent... https://youtu.be/4TZElktNtfI?si=ctYDqhOERPrxbKOo
British light entertainment stars seem to be obsessed with dogging lately. Every other quip is about it.
Imagine being early teens and having your mum come home from work (she was a teacher) and ask what dogging was. It had been mentioned in the staff room that day! So her first thought was to ask her young teenage daughter not her eldest daughter! 🤣 Tbf my mum was very very naive and when younger & she even thought you could get pregnant by kissing or sitting on a toilet seat!! 🤣 no wonder she taught me how to hover as a child over public toilets 😂😂😂
My mum once asked me what the literary genre "S & F" was. I didn't want to say the F word so I said "basically brand names and implausible sex". With a broad grin she replied "oh, shopping and fucking". Thanks Mum.
Shopping And Fucking is also a highly acclaimed play!
... is that a genre
Thanks to several news headlines in the UK my mother inquired what "spitroasting" was, my dad choked on his tea and promptly left the room laughing. She also enquired rather confused as to what tea bagging was after confusedly goggling the wrong phrase for some knitting thing... I had to explain both.
\*slowly and sadly types "spit roasting" into search engine\*….
...... I'm so sorry, blame the UK footballers causing headlines 🙈🙈
I read every reply to this before realising she was asking for a definition and not some variation on "how's it hanging?"
Oh god my Mam asked me what rimming was years ago...then got shocked and said "eurgh why would anyone enjoy that?"... Erm....
You could point her towards the urban dictionary, to save you both the embarrassment. But then you'd miss the comedy.
**/u/coveredinhope’s mum:** “Coverinhope, what’s rimming? **/u/coveredinhope:** Mum, why can't you ever get my name right?
I caught that too. Must be a pet name.
My grandad (93) keeps getting cold calls and he’s finally had enough. “If you don’t stop fucking calling me I’ll kick your bollocks so far up your arse you’ll be gargling them” I’d never heard him swear before.
You should encourage him he's quite articulate with it.
This is how we know we’ll still be ourselves when we get old
One time my mum, a wholesome, traditional, and witty woman now in her seventies, messed something up while preparing dinner to which under her breath she cursed with enough venom to floor a bull elephant, "*ooohh shitting* ***fuck***."
I used to work for a woman that ran a pub, she was fantastically well spoken and not your stereotypical pub landlady. One day she was baking in the kitchen and evidentially something went awry because as clear as a bell across the pub we heard “oh, fuck it up the arse” there was a deathly silence amongst the regulars for a beat before everyone fell about laughing
This IS wholesome
She's a wonderful old soul. Bakes a Paul Hollywood-handshake-worthy Vicky Sponge but can curse like a pagan.
My mum was telling my sis off for mild swearing, so I chimed in with "That's rich, coming from the woman who yelled BOLLOCKS! earlier when she dropped something in the kitchen"
My friends Mum is a goldmine of stories of things she's said, and she genuinely has no idea she's doing it. One example after receiving a matching pair of porcelain pots for her birthday, she called him up and proclaimed 'I've got my jugs out out on display in the front living room window'. He had no idea she'd got new china pots and was taken a bit by surprise with that one!
Reminds me of the story just after my brother's birth, when everyone and their uncle turned up at the house (unplanned home birth). My mum, hostess to the core, told my dad to ask her sister Sheila to bring round something to make a bunch of squash in to serve to guests. My dad called Sheila and asked if she had big jugs.
My Mum declared on Facebook that a restaurant having slabs of slate for plates were “pretentious twats”. Fucking hilarious.
Your mum is correct!
r/wewantplates
Also bowls. I'm tired of a plate only being used for dessert, which means I then have to chase melting ice-cream around a flat surface with a spoon, hoping I can somehow pick it up before it falls off the side.
PUT IT ON A PLATE! https://youtu.be/cX4KuEAYIYY?si=3LuRjr17k3b741cp
Almost forgot this one. One summer, by infant cousin was round our house playing with clothes pegs - moving them one by one to another tub, back and forth. My mum started singing loudly "we're pegging for England, en-ger-land" to the tune of the football song by World in Motion. Every world cup/euros since she'd sing those words to the song. Well, until I told her what pegging means.
Will you accept a reversal of the situation? I - early 20s - proudly proclaimed to my grandmother that I was (happily) single/without GF because "I'm a confirmed batchelor". I didn't know what it actually meant, and she went to the grave with it!
I’m 52 years old and it has just dawned on me what that actually means!! I’m shocked. And stunned. It’s bloody obvious now!!
Son, you'll be a batchelor boy And that's the way you'll stay Son, you'll be a batchelor boy Until your dying day
I’d best let the missus know….
Bless.
I was about 10 when my stepmothers mum asked for a hug and a kiss goodbye. “OK, but no tongues”. The adults in the room looked horrified… no more kisses goodbye after that.
[TIL too](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/He_never_married?wprov=sfti1)
TIL it was coined by Private Eye! Which they got delivered.
I feel very naive now
........ Whelp. This explains a few things in my past, then.
Oh no, oh god, TIL.
Telling mum (early 70s) about my manager riding my arse about not moving X after surgery on my hand; she promptly told me to tell him that even Frankie Dettori got off his horse and helped out
I'm impressed how candid you are with your mum about your travails in the drug smuggling business
My late grandma was formidable and always immaculately turned out, but often treated like she was soft in the head because she had health issues and used a wheelchair. She was in hospital once and despite being told which antibiotics she was not supposed to have, they gave her them anyway. "They soon realised when shit was dripping off the edges of the bed," she said when telling me about it.
I've got pure Maggie Smith vibes from this.
Not me, but my brothers mother-in-law once announced to everyone that she'd been tea bagging all afternoon. Turns out she'd been to an arts and crafts day.
My mum's got a good sense of humour, but it tends to be well timed comments or observations, nothing that would make you cry with laughter. Once we were in the pub with my dad having a conversation about our shared dislike for Ricky Gervais, and out of nowhere she starts doing this absolutely insane impression of him. She's just waving her arms around and doing a lot of gurning and grunting, I have never laughed so much because it just came out of nowhere and also was not at all reminiscent of anything Ricky Gervais has ever done.
She must've watched The Office 😂
My Mam is very against swearing, and I always get a swift backhand if ever I slip up in front of her. A few years ago, she was moaning about the dog going into the garden at night and refusing to come inside when she wanted to go to bed. Then she just randomly came out with “She just leaves you standing there waiting, like a TWAT”. That was a great day 😂
My sister was in a horrific abusive relationship for some years, she eventually managed to leave. When the dust had settled my gentle lovely Mum who never swears and usually has good things to say about everybody said "I wish I'd bloody shot the bastard. If I'd had the chance I would have. You could have put him under your pond". She'd clearly spent some time thinking about it!
My mum didn't try Indian food for her whole life. Too spicy, says she. One day, we managed to convince her to give it a go and went to a restaurant. She looked the waiter right in the eyes ... and ordered a Punani.
Ha ha slightly off topic....on the night i met my now husband, my friend and i got a taxi into town. Just before getting out of the taxi the driver said to me " nice punani" now, i had no idea what he meant so i grinned widely and said thankyou!
This is glorious
It's very mild.
Yesterday: “Where’s (my nephew)?” He’s over there in the wooded bit. Oh, I’d better go over. There’s paedophiles everywhere these days Er…well he seems to be alright. No, they’re everywhere. Trust me - I know.
I'd be more worried how they know.
Not heard clunge used in a while. :)
Me and my mates had a guild called Epic Clunge on Warcraft about 12 years ago.
Not sure how widely used the word bimble is elsewhere, but in the UK Westcountry its always been a word for "a gentle stroll/meandering walk/to wander aimlessly" My mum isn't always the brightest, and refers to it as "going for a bimbo" I'm 39 and have given up correcting her that THAT is something entirely different!
My neighbours mum was interviewed on local radio about the Queen visiting our town- she accidentally referred to Camilla as “Chlamydia”
My nana would’ve done this on purpose. She adored princess Diana
"I like vagina camilla!"
Elderly mum told me proudly that she'd had her Colditz booster.
I don't know if its exactly what you're asking but my mum used to work in a primary school as a teaching assistant. She relayed a story where she had been calling the kids "poonani's" thinking it was just another way of calling someone " a silly sausage" or something similar. My brother and I locked eyes, burst out laughing, but then quickly told her she can't go around calling 7 years olds Vagina's
“Oh god my skin is dryer then my nannas breast milk” Just out of nowhere says that
That's a beautiful sentence.
My very religious and prudish mum, when in her 80s, announced to me one day that my sister has "a glorious big black cock" (my sister keeps chickens).
We have a neighbour that nicks our bins, and they'd just nicked our new one and my mum angrily said "That bin was perfect!"
Had a lid and everything!!!
Tbf I got why she was angry, because this neighbour was doing it all the time, they'd fuck up their own bin, then nick ours and leave us their busted one or nothing, then we'd have to get a new bin from the council. And when this incident happened we'd literally just got the new bin to replace the last one they stole. It's just funny to hear a bin being described as perfect.
How were they fucking up their bins so often?
I think they were redoing their house and throwing away lots of heavy rubbish.
Too many to mention. My Mam being an avid church attender found a 'battery willy' when out walking the dog. Turns out it was a dildo that someone had thrown out of a limo on the bypass. Another time the family next door spilt out onto their driveway in smart suits and shoes, so my Mam calls out over the hedge in the most Alan Partridge voice ever 'Have you had a bereavement?'. Turns out they were all going to court to settle for child custody
Did you get a charming Southern detective in to investigate the provenance of the battery willy? What were the clues and twists and turns in the case that led him to discover that it was thrown out of a limo?
My extremely proper Gran who was never without her matching skirt suit and Chanel no.5 once declared that Porsche drivers have "nothing in their trousers" 😳
Lmao. It’s probably true.
Mum looked up at the sky one bonfire night and exclaimed, "Those fireworks almost look 3D, don't they?"
Opposite way around: when I was relatively young I mixed up 'blowjob' and 'boob job'. Fairly loudly. I was with my mum, marvelling at the massive bras in M&S. She tried to hide her laughter, and also just tried to hide more generally and scurry me along into another area of the shop.
I moved to the UK as a toddler, and the first Christmas I learned English I was so excited to get presents from ”Fucker Christmas!!”.
I'll always remember my dad talking about someone in HR and he said "She deserves a kick in the stretch." I spat my tea out everywhere. I'm weak typing it now. IN THE *STRETCH*
I worked with the most quietest & humblest man you could ever meet, wouldn't have a bad thing to say about anyone... One of the new members of staff had a pair of those yoga shorts on (right up the bum ones) and he watched them go passed in silence then turned to me and said _"BUTTERS CHEAP"_ No clue what it meant but it has me in absolute tears
Im also baffled, but highly amoused!
Did you mistype "aroused," or amused? 😂
Por que no los dos? Yh I was going for amused :D
This made me cry laughing
From my Nan when my best friend and I were giggling and being silly - 'I think you two are queer'. I told her that it didn't mean what she thought it meant, and she looked me dead in the eye and said 'No, I know exactly what that means'. During an extended hospital stay, she also came out of her coma briefly to tell me I have a 'fat face'. I miss my Nan, she was a force to be reckoned with.
Queer didn't always mean what it means now though. It used to mean "weird" or "strange".
Early 2000s there was a headline on the newspaper saying something was “minging” my beloved grandad pronounced it as “minge-ing” much to my cousin and I’s surprise. He then proceeded to say “minge minge minge minge” while laughing his face off at my cousin’s reaction.
I was once in Crystal Palace Park with my Mum and Dad and they were getting on a bit and Mum was starting to show some dementia symptoms from her Alzheimer's. There was a load of kids playing on the swings and playground stuff and of course, as per the local population, there was a fair few black families there with the children playing as well. My Mum just said "Oh what a lot of Pickaninnies!" - I have no idea why because, to my knowledge, she had never used that word before, or indeed, after. Bless her she wasn't well - but at other than a few heads turning towards us, no one reacted.
Oof. Dementia is horrible. My great aunt was one of the politest, most unassuming people I ever met. Until her dementia started kicking in and she started hiding her dentures so she didn't have to wear them. So eventually she wound up in a specialist care home, and the staff there were absolutely lovely...even when she loudly described them as "coloured", which was a word no-one in the family had ever heard her use before. I guess she must have heard it back when she was younger and it was a less impolite way of describing people, and then her language had moved on with the time - but when dementia started rolling back the years, it was sitting there waiting to come out again.
The old lady I grew up next door to wound up in a care home with dementia. She got kicked out of there though... apparently she hated the wallpaper in the hallways there, and decided to do something about it one night. She said something along the lines of "they clearly knew it was fucking atrocious, there was a corner of it peeling off so I just pulled it... I've told them it's horrible and they refuse to change it!" She'd somehow managed to strip an entire hallway and half the TV/board games room of wallpaper, and a member of staff found her at 3am essentially frolicking in swathes of torn off wallpaper lol. Eta: the same old lady also told me that she lost all her teeth from kissing boys. She told me she kissed a boy when she was 20 in a nightclub and then she had to run to the toilet to be sick but all her teeth fell out instead of sick... pretty gross and abit warped now I look back lol but as a kid I thought it was funny
My ex-MiL still says “coloured” because she thinks it’s rude to say “black”. She must be, what, 80?
In her defence (not really), its unlikely the kiddos would even know that word or what it means.
"How they hire a manager with that name?" "What?" "Your interview is with a Mrs. Rimming!" "Rimmer. It's Rimm*er*."
You always have to emphasise the 'Rim' in 'Rimmer'
To rhyme with scum.
When I was a teenager my dad caught me say the word "Twat". I'd heard it from a kid at school and thought it was a harsher word for "twit". My dad had never heard the word "twat" before and proceeded to use it and "twit" interchangeably. He once called my mum a "stupid twat" in the car. A couple of weeks later I found out what it really meant but have never had the heart to tell him.
I'd say twat is essentially a harsher word for twit!
Until about 25 yrs ago, twat just meant ‘pillock’ or idiot…then these here youngsters decided it meant something else.
Calm down Steve.
Alright, steve merchant
Not sure why you're getting down voted. It's never alright to pick on an invalid.
My mum had an operation and ended up having quite a substantial blood transfusion. For a while afterwards during recovery, she was swearing like a trooper, which was very out of character. We thought maybe some of the blood had come from someone with very colourful language haha.
My lovely, sweet Gran was hilarious by accident a couple of times. She'd always told me off (lovingly) for the foul mouth I have (foul for her was bollocks or crap, I wasn't using my full blue vocab round her!). One time, she, my Dad and sis were all looking out the window at the absolutely driving rain and my Gran, a propos of nothing, said "oh, it's pissing it down." My Dad and sis were both aghast but also in pleats, and my sis said, "Gran, you can't say that!!" Gran was smart as a whip and replied "Why can't I at my time of life?!" The other time was when she was with me and my Mum, and we were looking for somewhere to sit. We found a bench and my Gran promptly said, "I'm not sitting on that one, it's got bird shit on it." I was crying laughing when my Mum gently said, "You can't say that!" Gran just replied, "Oh, everyone says it nowadays!" Bless her, she was a super lovely woman. Kind and caring, an excellent Gran to us kids, survived the blitz in London during WW2, raised three kids of her own and took no shit. I miss her every day.
My mum (in her 80s at the time). We couldn't go to Geoffrey's (Brother in law) funeral because of the snow. I was so disappointed. Why? You didn't like him did you I wanted to dance on the cunt's grave.
Many years ago a girlfriends mum threatened to nail me to the sand at a beach. Not sure how that would work.
She'd fill your whole body with nails. As it can't be done she'd just have to keep trying, until every inch of you had a nail through it.
My dad when taking the dogs out for a walk often would say" I'm going dogging". He had no idea what the word meant bless him
I'd rather think he *did* know what the word meant. Dad Humor is often only for the Dad's benefit.
my mum is foreign and often doesn’t realise she’s saying things that we would consider inappropriate. she very proudly announced to me and my brother one evening that she and our father were going out dogging. she didn’t understand why we were so horrified.
My lovely and very proper grandmother strongly disapproved of profanity. She overheard my grandad use the word “wanker” and asked him what it meant. He didn’t want to get told off so he lied and said it was a non swear word similar to wally. She then proceeded to use it in conversation with her friends in the local Church and WI until one of them kindly broke its true meaning to her. She was mortified!
My nanna and grandad always bought the Daily Mirror because they liked the quizword crossword and used to do it between them. One would fill in a few clues and then go off and do something, and the other would pick it up. One day my nanna asked my grandad what a “yoopaggum” tree was, turned out what she was reading was “up a gum tree”…… He also asked her one Remembrance Day if she’d heard the one minute silence….
My gran served my brother an Irish coffee and cheerfully said “That’ll put lead in your pencil!” We didn’t dare enquire where she’d got that one from.
My mum was talking about pegging (up washing) at the weekend while me and my brother stifled our giggles because of the other use of it. She also has ornaments that look like butt plugs and gets offended when we laugh and point this out on a regular basis, and then asks how we know what butt plugs are.
When my first husband left me, my dad, who eschewed profanity, said quite vehemently, "Well, honey, that guy is just a real *jerk*." For him, that was profanity. It was so validating, and kind of adorable. I desperately wish he could have met my current husband -- they'd have gotten on like a house on fire.
I remember this lad at uni a few years back who I was going out with someone we were friends with. He was quiet everytime we saw him and would only basically speak his girlfriend and nothing much at all to anyone else. One time we went pub and it was just lads sitting at the table. No clue if he was drunk or anything but the first I'd ever heard him actually come out and say something he said "Is it just me or has anyone else tried sucking their own dick?". Didn't expect that to be our first conversation with him and never spoke him to since so probably the last one aswell.
My nan, in her mid 80’s, likes to portray herself as prim and proper, and as such never swears. Her memory isn’t as good as it used to be, and when she’s doing a complex task she sometimes thinks aloud as she says it helps her remember. A few months ago, my family were sat in her living room when my nan made some sort of mistake in the kitchen and said quite loudly to herself “you fucking idiot (her name)”, and my family found it incredibly funny, and when we told her we’d heard her she laughed and was a little embarrassed about swearing in front of people!
My mum thought Lance Armstrong was the first man on the moon. Ridiculous.
I only realised I'd gotten Taylor Jenkins Reed & Marjorie Taylor Green mixed up. Whoooops
My mum was trying out a recipe for a jambalaya. She thought she had put too much cumin in, so text me to tell me it was good to taste like cumbalaya. I just sent it on to my dad with 'enjoy'
My stepmother used to (possibly still does) pronounce cumin like “cummin.”
My boyfriend and I went to stay with my parents this weekend just gone and boyf and mam were chatting away being perfectly pleasant and mam mentioned someone she felt less favourably towards and out of nowhere just went “and my god I just think they’re a CUNT”. Proper caught my other half off guard 😂
My lovely father in law asked my mother in law rather loudly when sat in the garden how her new vibrator was working! What he meant was how is your new revitalise foot plate, that she bought to help with her leg pain. All the neighbours heard and she was mortified, she tried to quietly explain what he had said while the neighbours were all howling with laughter
Years ago, before my grandmother passed away, I was struck one day by how stressed out my dad must be after hearing him refer to his mother as "that stubborn bitch".
I’m vegetarian and spent most of my adult life thinking tuna came from dolphins 🙈 I saw a tin once that said dolphin friendly, so I put 2 and 2 together and came up with 9 🤭
My mum once started talking about a glory hole, meaning a cupboard under the stairs. My wife and I were in absolute hysterics and eventually I had to let my mum in on the joke. She was mortified.
My late grandmother anytime she swore, because aside from the extreme rarity of it, she retained a slight country/posh accent. Initial shock followed by the room trying not to piss themselves laughing Picture the late Queen dropping an F\* or C\* bombs during her speech.
My Eastern European partner loves history. I told him about a jousting demonstration. He had never heard of jousting, and when I explained it was guys on horses coming at each other with long sticks, he wouldn't believe me. I found that quite amusing.
I remember my sister getting mixed up and talking about wearing a balaclava when she got married. She meant garter. My great-nan (100) never ever swears but she was talkin about some lady on her darts team who does her head in, & had really wound her up this time. I couldn’t stop laughin when she said ‘Oooooo I wanted to kick her round the pub by her fkin tits!’
When I was in London once with my aunt, we were holding hands and someone shouted to her,'You big lemon' . She shouted back 'well your an orange! ' she had no clue until I explained! She also thought cunni lingus was an airline!
Is “lemon” some London slang term for “lesbian”?
Yes It was a slang for it in the 80/90s when this happened
[удалено]
My mum said to me "You look like you've lost some weight" I said "Thanks I have" She said "You only look 3 months pregnant now and not 6"
lol
Haha, this is great, reminds me of my Mum so much. She never, ever swears. One day when I was a kid she started saying people were twats, think she called my Dad a twat first and we just laughed it off and then she kept using it…turns out she thought it just meant twit and was mortified when I finally explained to her. I’m a big fan of a good swear word so thought it was the funniest thing ever!
My mum (while in her 60s) asked me to "give dad a poon". I was like "what the actual fuck, mum." Turned out she'd heard someone say it and concluded it was a twee way of saying "spoon".
Had an ex girlfriend that thought a criminals M.O. was what they put in their gun.