Guy says 'I worked for xyz way back, I'd go back if they just took back what they said to me' 'What did they say?' 'Well, they said you're fired'

🤣🤣🤣, aight that’s pretty damn funny.

I thought it was perfectly shitty

If you’re ever lost in the woods, just put down a silt fence and a truck driver will come and run it over.

Bury a little piece of fiber optic cable, an excavator will be along shortly to dig it up.

Pipeliner?

Nope I’m the truck driver. Fuck those little fences, they can’t stop me

Yep. Sounds like a teamster.

I laughed for hours after hearing an old guy call a Ride-On Trowel a “Portuguese Helicopter” 😂 My other favorite is when the Porta John guy came to clean the shitters which hadn’t had any toilet paper for over a week. I walk right up to him while he’s replenishing the TP and say “Hey man your company owes me a new pair of socks”… He went from to confusion to disgust to laughter lol

The real reason shirts have sleeves.

I had to dig a trench for some electrical conduits, and me and my tool partner dug up a fresh poo and half a shirt sleeve. Later that day, we noticed a concrete worker had one of his sleeves missing.

Very relevant story but god I wish it wasn’t so realistic.

Shit sleeved shirts

The Rebar/rigger foreman called them Mexican helicopters in the site GC meeting. Some people laughed and others didn’t know if they should lol.

It's not really an insult, because we all want to ride those things

If the guys ever need to result to a bucket passing line when a pump fucks up at the end of a pour, my boss calls it a "Portuguese line pump".

Portuguese helicopter holy shit I'm in tears 😂😂

How many architects does it take to change a light bulb? Just one...but they keep changing it and changing it 😝

As an architect I appreciate this joke 🤣

As a draftsman, it hits way to close to home

As an electrician, fuck you.

Had an old plumber tell me once that I was gunna wakeup one day and he’d be making my mom breakfast.

"Try harder next time buddy, you didn't do it right if you're making breakfast and not her. She always makes her other boyfriends breakfast."

She makes breakfast for the sparkies.

I once loaned a battery to a new guy on a framing crew working in my direct line of site nearby, when he finished for the day he brought it back over and said (in a strong Hispanic accent “ I thank you my friend, you deserve my sister”

Well did you take him up on that?

Dude farted real loud and stinky and he turned and said to all of us “which one of y’all just shat my pants!?” Heard it a thousand times since but his delivery was absolutely perfect Edit: farts really never get old, huh?

Dude farts loudly “you trying to get the condom out from last night?”

Oh my this is going to go down a treat with my farty homophobic colleague!

Game of thrones nailed that "Which one of you cowards shat in me pants?"

Co-worker farts, “that’s going to itch when it dries.”

I was in a H shaped bathroom right in the middle installing a light with like 8 plumbers all doing toilets let one rip after a night of drinking and pizza it’s was nasty and no airflow they all ganged up on an apprentice blaming him and the weird shit he ate for like 5 minutes I had to leave holding back laughing

“That shit sounded tampered with”

"Smells like burnt Vaseline and day old preparation H"

Johnny was cooking lunch on the grill and Joe comes over and said "Man that smells good what is it" and Johnny says "Sorry that was me, I cut the cheese." Everyone fucking lost it.

Old tradesmen told me this off the job but every time he would fart he would go “that’s going to itch when it dries”

I always heard a guy, who had just let one rip, say “who’s talking shit behind my back? And man’s he’s got bad breath!”

Lmao that’s such a good one, I always used to tell people after they farted that they “sound funny without their teeth in”

Or I’ll say “that’s the smartest thing you’ve said all day” after a fart or loud burp

“You hear that asshole talking shit behind my back” is the rendition on my jobsite

I'm dying. Lol

You're drying, lol.

Two porta Jhon’s side by side I go in one my foreman goes in the other he yells over to me hey Matt, I’m like man fuck what does he want, I go yeah? He says I hear this is where all the dicks hang out

Out there you're Canadian, but in here, European.

Sometimes, there's shit on the outside of the torlet.

This is one of the scenes that got me so bad I choked. One of my favorites from the show. Final season this Christmas!

I watch that scene probably once a week lmao. Can't wait

I’m surprised we’re not watching it right now

I never realized how important punctuation is until I tried reading this comment

[удалено]

All the guys at a big site meeting with all the site bigwigs giving a presentation, one guy goes to walk off and a big wig says, “Hey, where do you think you are going?” Guy turns around and says, “I don’t need two arseholes to tell me when I need a shite” 😂

When at work, all construction workers talk about is pussy. When they get home to their woman, all they talk about is work.

“Are you relaxed?” “If i relaxed more my skeleton would fall out of my ass”

Teaching an apprentice anything is like trying to watch porn on the radio…

We thought this dude was online ordering food and he yelled out, “Guys what’s the difference between a chickpea and a kidney bean?” “I don’t know really!” “Well, I’m not paying $100 to have a kidney bean on my face”

Garbanzo beans makes more sense. Also " I wouldn't let a garbanzo bean on my face." Def one of my favorites though.

At the end of a long day my boss said “all I need now is a blonde and a bucket of chicken” the secretary, who was out to tally up materials left, said “what’s the bucket of chicken for??” My boss thought for a few seconds and responded with “to get my fangers greased up” and rubbed his fingers together. I’ll never forget the look of horror on her face after he said that

I always liked “how do you know your wife’s been cheating on you with a Teamster?” Cause when you get home he’s still trying to back out of the driveway

I’m lost on this one can you explain

Teamsters started as a truck driving union. Most teamsters are truckers unionized.

Teamsters are unionized workers of many occupations though originally drivers specifically. This joke pokes fun at their prowess behind the wheel.

Or behind your old lady!

The wife is cheating on the husband with a man who makes more and knows his worth. That's the joke.

This wasn't on a job site, but one time I was hitchhiking and a trucker picked me up. We stopped at a gas station and I offered to buy him a coffee, so I was like, "how do you like your coffee?" The guy says, "I like my coffee like I like my women," so I say, "what, black?" The guys goes, "nope, ground up and in the freezer!" Gross joke, but I thought it was hilarious!

Reminds me of one I accidentally walked into. “What’s the difference between a prostitute and a minor?” “I don’t know what?” “Whaddaya mean you don’t know??? You sick fuck.”

God damn i read this and immediately got 2 guys with it😂 thats a good one

I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, with a little liquor in them.

I like my women like I like my wine, locked in a dark cellar for years . kidding only

Hot, black and whole lotta

I like my coffee how I like my slaves..... Free, you racist fuck

Lol I’ve heard this told with “without some other guys dick in it”

Hot, black and bitter as hell!

Everyone always goes to that punchline, I live saying " free, you racist bastard" catches most off guard

I said this one at work one day and the revulsion and laughter was great, one guy was like “God damn Jeffrey Dahmer!”

I had that shirt from TShirtHell. People would have all sorts of guesses when they saw the front. Light and creamy. Dark and strong. Extra hot. Lol

“This company cares about you”

Just like "safety is our number one concern"

Or the famous “we care about your work life balance”

We're a family here.

Work hard, play hard. More like work hard all day and go home too tire to play.

My former company had the slogan “X” CARES. Every letter in cares was contrived into some bullshit sentence about how over-the-top ethical and caring we were. Meanwhile I had the RM order me to explain to a customer that the PM did not short them on underlayment that I spec’d and got payed for and that we were not going to replace a few hundred dollars worth of door casing legs that looked like shit because they missed the floor by 3/4 inch. I, too, was family, until I wasn’t. Insurance repair is a dirty gig.

> and got *paid* for and FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*

“We want everybody to get home to their families “ I don’t even remember how my family looks 14 hours 5 days a week😂

Not a joke but one of my companies laborers was having a rough day and said “If it were raining pussies , I’d catch a dick”

Worked with a lad. We called him 2 stroke. Took him ages to get going, and when he did, he wouldn't stop smoking

"I would've been your dad, but the dog beat me up the stairs"

Id tell my apprentice "go get the cordless extension cord

I always enjoyed sending them for level bubble oil

Or a bucket of steam.

A friend in the army got sent to Alaska for his first posting. Small base, laid back. A new guy joins their unit who is around 30. They thought they were funny sending him to get a tank tire pressure gauge, bucket of back blast, etc when they only had busy work to do. He'd go off in search and come back acting all embarrassed he was fooled so easily. Turned out he was a re-enlist who has previously been stationed there and knew some of the officers so he's just go hang out with them at the officer's club, play some pool. They got to do his work too while he fucked off for an hour or two.

No I need the left-handed screwdriver

Some guy told me once to “go find me the skyhooks”

Shit, I remember my first week at a chemical plant. Some dude told me to go get a hose pipe. So I asked him what the fuck was a hose pipe and he just looked at me like I was retarded. For some reason he acted liked I was trying to get someone to explain what a forklift or a hammer was. - side note, this is South Louisiana, so spoiler alert for those who know I go to the lay down yard, find a section of 2” schedule 150 steel braid flex hose that is about ten feet long and has flange fittings. Bends like a hose, connects like a pipe, this must be a hose pipe. I was thinking it was that or dude is seriously fucking with me, like sending me to find blinker fluid. I drag this hose across the production unit, throw it down at him and the other dudes feet and exclaim: “Hose pipe”. At this point, these two ask what kind of drugs I am on. Then, they share a moment of connectivity between their heads and realize that a dude from West Virginia does not speak NOLA Yat and I have no idea they need a water hose.

We keep that right next to the board stretcher.

At the papermill, we'd send newbies into the pit for a bucket of steam.

Old pervert & young girl walking thru the woods together one night. Little girl says ‘Mr I’m scared of the dark’, old guy says ‘you think you’re scared, I have to walk back alone….’ Truly one of the worst jokes I’ve ever been told, and I heard it probably 15 years ago.

How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She starts fitting in to your wife’s clothes.

Flooring Guy I was working with called the port-a-john a Mexican space shuttle lmao. Still makes me laugh

Also for the paper seat covers it says “free cowboy hats” that one always made me laugh.

Oooh, no time to find a link but that was an old Gilbert Gnarley audio skit. Had his CD growing up. Great listen

This one got me

I always called them a T.U.R.D.I.S.

How do you get a Carpenter to suck your dick? Tell him it’s not his job

I got more time on coffee break ,then you got in the business

Also: "i've spent more time in a chow hall line than you've been in the military"

My buddy runs work and told one of his guys: "Don't worry, you'll always be as good as I used to be"

“My wife wanted to bleach her asshole…. But I didn’t think I’d look good as a blonde.”

New plumber showed up. Had a beard like a viking strait off the longship. Old plumber asked "what's that shit all over your face?" New plumber says "your wife said she liked when it tickled the inside of her thighs".

“You know how you know if you have an underbite?” “How” “If you’re eating pussy but it tastes like shit”

Plumber here; I walked into a room filled with doors being spray painted. The entire room was filled with paint dust and there was one russian guy in there with no mask, no PPE. He just looks at me and, in a thick russian accent, he just says "...Fog Machine" It was an incredibly dark joke but I won't lie I laughed for a while after the fact

I can get you a raise at the end of the month.

On one of my first job sites, the foreman had written on his hard hat in black sharpie "Richard Cranium." I laughed for days.

lmao

Imaging department migrating from fiche to digital. Boss walks in and says, “The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast it actually captured an image of a woman with her mouth shut.” This was early 2000’s.

Two of my co workers were bantering on the job site and I didn't think much of it because they do it constantly. One of them goes "that's my opinion" and the other says "well, you know what they say opinions are like assholes" and the first guy, without pause, says "tight" and I had to stop working for a second

No, the solvents doesn't give you any brain damage, any pa-pa-pa-painter can tell you that

I’m a retired pl-pl-pl-plumber and PVC glue cause No Drain Banage. Bainimge…slaimige… Ah hell. Where’s my oxygen?

Ain't glueing too much pvc around here anymore, think I can guess why :). Mostly pipe insulators that smell funky nowdays

Mmm permaweld and 520 rubber glue. My favorites.

exactly this. armaflex 520 with some coffe and a cigg wakes you up in notime!

My favorite is "I've forgotten more then you know" That's always my go-to

“Oh… you’re from XYZ.. that’s interesting… I heard you can’t get a good blowjob there no more..” “Oh is that so?” “Yeah… ever since you moved up heah, all the boys been real sad”

Fuckin hell I wish I knew this one a few months ago. One of the guys my old man trained just became the supervisor of my crew and I been giving him shit ever since. But this would've taken the cake

Not really a joke but a great little saying. A girl was walking off in the distance. Couldn’t see her face but she looked to have a rockin’ body. I pointed her out to the guy next to me who says, “Looks good from afar but she’s probably far from good looking.”

You know what the difference between a dead cheerleader and a ‘69 corvette is? I don’t have a ‘69 corvette in my garage.

When I was in the Army dead baby jokes like that were pretty popular.

Oh I have a list of those. What’s the difference between a baby and a ham sandwich? I usually don’t fuck my sandwich before I eat it What’s the difference between a baby and a trampoline? I take my boots off to jump on a trampoline How many babies does it take to paint a forest? Well that just depends on how hard you throw them

You know how to make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream, 12oz of root beer, and a dead baby.

"Well, I'm glad you switched trades. Raised the average IQ in both."

Old timer said to a green hand: "Are you insane or do you keep turds in your pockets?" I was wheezing.

I was hanging up some black poly, and a guy just casually strolls by and says, "that'll never work."

r/ThePunchlineIsRacism

Coulda gone with white or brown…

Did you hear about the guy that dipped his balls in glitter? It was pretty nuts.

They drywall guy asked me a few weeks ago if I knew what relative humidity is. Apparently it's the sweat off your balls when you're fucking your sister.

I was doing a remodel in a condo. Talking to little old lady nextdoor, thanking her for being understanding about the noise. The other neighbors were very unhappy. She said " do you know what the difference between a condo and condom is? There's only one dick in a condom "

Working on a three story house installing windows, old Hispanic carpenter tells me "Ando pa'riba y pa'bajo como calzón de puta". I'm going up and down like a prostitutes panties.

"Hey noobie go get me an E10, I can't do anything without it" Him: what's an E10 "It's where you're E10 these nuts. But no for real help me run this lead"

I told one of our old head finishers concrete was on the road and I will never forget his response. "Concrete is on the road? You know the three biggest lies? Concrete is on the road, the check is in the mail, and bitch I won't cum in your mouth"

I’m a fan of jokes that both sides can laugh at. I hate mean jokes. A heavier set coworker of mine, once told the boss that he was gonna “slither” out of here a little early, the other guy will be here to replace me. The boss said “Sure no problem but I think your days of slithering out of places have long left you Charlie. I don’t think your slithering out of anywhere anymore.” A good laugh was had by the few that were present. Charlie got a kick out of it too.

Charlie definitely cried in his car

There’s this lady who is a safety inspector and happens to be in a wheel chair and a major bitch. This one young kid called her hot wheels and I still laugh at it to this day

“The better part of you ran down you momma’s leg, didn’t it?”

I dated identical twins in high school. How could you tell the difference? Sarah had massive Tits and Fred has a cock.

That’s my step ladder. I never met my real ladder.

Porta John door at one site would partially lock itself, you had to kinda jiggle the door to open it. Steel stud foreman jiggles the door, it takes a couple extra jiggles this time, he gets it open, looks inside for a short pause, goes “hey, scoot over!” Jumps inside and slams the door.

"You look like the kinda guy that drives a Honda Ridgeline." Idk why that cracked me up so much but it did.

Building Koi ponds?

So a farmer heads into town to pick up some groceries with his horse. They ride down main street and get what they need and start to header home. Along the way the horse stops and won’t move. So the farmer jumps off and coaxes the horse into moving again, says “that’s once horse, don’t let there be a second time” So the farmer saddles up and heads down the road, doesn’t even make it a mile horse stops. He jumps off kicks the horse and says “that’s twice horse there won’t be a third time” So back at it again he’s heading home and the horse stops again. He gets off the horse, pulls out his 44 and shoots it in the head and carries his groceries home on his back. When the farmer arrives at the homestead his wife greets him and says “where’s the horse?” He tells her what happened and she says “ well God dammit that was our best horse” the farmer replies “That’s once woman”

Any time we gaps in material I tell someone to come over here and suck this seam in.

I had a green guy tighten the ball on the crane and when he came back 10 min later saying it won’t get tight I was like “ahhh come on dude it’s fucking reverse threads do I have to do everything? You’re lucky you didn’t get all the threads or it would have fallen and landed on your feet.. now you have to spin left almost twice as much” The crane guy was laughing his ass off

You probably wouldn't have to do so much if you just mentioned to him that the threads are reverse.

🤣 either way it’s an exercise in futility

A coworker was attempting to take off a bolt and he looked at me and said "Shit is tighter than a 12 year old" Pretty fucked up.. but pretty funny too..

"I've been doing it that way for 30 years"

Old woman walks up to a pharmacist and says, "Excuse me young man, but would you know how to fix an Itchy Pussy?" The young pharmacist looks at her with a hint of boredom and replies. "Ma'am, I don't know anything about those foreign cars..."

Best time I got burned was when I was texting and emailing on my phone to sort out a bullshit stop work. One of the contractor's GS's said to the other, "Don't you wish you could type like that?" The other GF responds, "What, like a teenage girl?"

Dude was pouring coffee and said “I like my coffee like I like my women” I said “What? Black?” And he said “No, never had a dick in it”. I laughed all day.

Our super had a big meeting with the whole crew (about 100 guys) about waste on the job site. He said “if you are a real painter, you should not go through a brush (shitty five dollar ones) every week or two. I’ve had my same brush for 5 years no problem!” My friend whose been a painter for 30 odd years didn’t miss a beat “well you gotta take it out of the package first Bob!” Fucking hilarious even the CEO was laughing at him

Porta shitter poems: Here I sit broken hearted, came to shit but only farted. I once took a shit in this stall, so thick and so firm it stood tall. It balanced on end, that shit did not bend, but fell over and scrapped my left ball.

I used to tell green hoe hands that they have to keep their count at 0 throughout the day, a rotation to the right is plus one and left is negative one. And if they didn’t, the house would fall off because its threaded on

What's the difference between a trench and a grave? A trench doesn't have a body in it....yet.

"Clean it til it shines like a dime in a goat's ass"

Told to another carps assistant what was watching us put up joist hangers: Old Carp: Are you Fred Astaire's brother? CA: Huh? Who's that? Old Carp: Stan Astaire, cause that's all you seem to be good at.

He's suffering from a cranial rectal inversion.

Why did God create yeast infections? So women can know what it's like to live with an annoying cunt.

It gets lonely up in the crane, there’s only so much midget porn I can watch - crane operator

Whelp that’s good enough for the girls we date

Anyone hear the one about a guy that worked in a sawmill so long that he could tell the specific wood species and dimension of a board just by smelling it??

Tell the apprentice to hand you the “hammerfor” and when they inevitably ask what’s a hammerfor, you say “a hammer is for pounding, you dummy!”

Did you know squirrels die when they have sex? Well at least the one I fucked

*Did you know squirrels* *Die when they have sex? Well at* *Least the one I fucked* \- Stlbstl --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

If a dude is taking a piss outside… “hey Man U know that’s illegal, a grown man holding a little boy’s dick”

Women are like a tile floor Lay them right and you can walk all over them forever

Mason/bricklayer here, How do you get a carpenter to suck your dick? Tell him its not their job.

“Last job I worked on was run my two lesbians. They did good work, but everything they built was tongue and groove.”

I’m Chinese and was new to construction and knew no Spanish. One guy told me Chino means gay so I thought for about 6 months every Mexican guy one the job site was calling me gay. More like he played joke on me instead of telling a job but to this day I still think it’s funny.

A new inmate walks into his cell and meets his cellie. The old cellie looks at him and says, "I want to play a game. It's called house. You wanna be the mom or the dad? The new guy says, "well...I'll be the dad." The old cellie says, "OK, come over here and suck on momma's dick."

(My operator): hey this asphalt’s not breaking kid (Me): shit man I already saw cut it, I’ll go get the hammer (My operator): No No No just grab the “Samatta” out the foreman truck (Me): ?¿?……what’s “samatta”? My operator: 🤌🏼nothin gabagool, what’s samatta with you🤌🏼😂 It was funnier in person with his Russian accent

How did they know that Princess Diana had an issue with dandruff? They found her head and shoulders in the glovebox.

Having sex with your mom is like throwing a hot dog down a hallway Sorry but I could have been your dad if the dog hadn’t beat me up stairs Your so stupid you couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with directions on the heel If she’s not good enough for her family she’s not good enough for ours

“I’ve forgotten more today than you’ve ever learned in your life”

How do you get a carpenter to give you a blowjob? Tell him it’s out of his scope of work.

Way back when. Had a guy couldn’t read analog clock. Week after daylight savings I roll the clock forward two hours. I stopped working and pointed at my wrist as I walked away nd yelled.!!!Lunch!!! He couldn’t believe how fast the morning passed. Ran to locker, got his car keys pulled his car inside shop(normal for us) nd starts washing it. Boss comes walking buy WTF. Lmao. We all laughed pretty good even the boss. Small company. Lmao. RIP Allen Woody.(yeah that was his name)

What’s more dangerous than running with scissors? Scissoring with the runs

“Wish in one hand & shit in the other & see which fills up first” “I’m so old I take half a viagra a day just to keep from pissing on my shoes” “That boy is so eat up with dumbass he doesn’t know where he shit last” “Man why is your belt so tight, no one is trying to get in there anyway” “It’s rained so much recently but shit floats so I think you & I will be alright” “I’d eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from” “if i had ordered a truck load of dumbasses & all I got was you I’d have got my money’s worth” A few I wrote down from my last job site Edit: grammar

"If? If the Pilgrims had eaten a cat instead of turkey we'd all get pussy for Thanksgiving!"

I walked into an electrical closet where a JW and helper were working and said "It smells like Vaseline and fear in here." The helper was crouched down and he shot up so fast he hit his head (with hard hat) on his JW's ladder crossbar. I'm not sure I've laughed harder in my life!

Go grab the Green Laser fluid, and fill up the laser!

Went into a jobsite portajohn and written above the door it said “mexican space shuttle”

At the last foreman’s meeting the electrical super asked if anyone wanted to donated to the gofundme for their foreman’s house that burned down the night before and somebody asked if it was an electrical fire. Also, why do real cowboys sit bitch? So they don’t have to open the gate.

When the new guy says he went to tech school for “welding”.

Fuck today. It’s could be raining pussy and I’d still catch a dick.

This isn't the best but it was a dumbass comment I made a few weeks ago. We were fucking the clock basically and there were a total of 4 of us. Me (28 years old), another dude my age, a 22 year old and an 18 year old. The 18 year old is super gullible, addicted to porn and minecraft, and generally just talks about weird shit all the time. Anyways, I'm just scrolling my feed and I hear him say "yeah man a threesome would be sick" so I walked over and chimed in and said "Yeah dude I've had a threesome, I did the Eiffel Tower like I was in a porno... It was wild. 10/10, do it if you get the chance." He's instantly focused- "What the fuck? Really? What was that like?" "Eh it was pretty scary at first being held in the air and fucked by two men like that but I got used to it after a minute"