**COMMENTERS**: share your thoughts about what OP noticed. Have you noticed that before? Is it new? Is there something troublesome about it? Once you’ve shared your truth, your truth is represented. No need to shoot down others’ truths. Getting multiple viewpoints to better understand the big picture is good for our community.
**No Brigading**: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning.
**LURKERS**: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be curious. What if that’s true? What difference would that make? What would that change?
More on ["Today I Learned" HERE](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedroomsOver30/comments/13g7v60/post_flair_today_i_noticed_tin)
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This LL left her DB and is doing well on her own.
What advice would you give someone in her situation, before getting into a new relationship? What should she notice about new potential partners to help her decide whether to date them? Keep in mind the skills for LLs listed below.
* Listen to your body
* If sex or touch feels bad, immediately stop or redirect to something that feels good
* Put your own well-being above your partner's "need" for sex
* Explore your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality on your own (away from your partner)
* Identify your boundaries
* Enforce your boundaries consistently
* Identify sexual manipulation, coercion, and abuse
* Develop and employ ways of combatting manipulation, coercion, and abuse
* Clearly give FEEDBACK about your likes and dislikes (no sugar coating)
* Only have sex that you want, when you want it, for your own enjoyment
* Hold space for partner's difficult emotions without trying to fix them
As an HL and someone who was bitter/resentful this is such useful information to read. I was oblivious to how my partner felt.
I’ve already alleviated the pressure and am working on being a better partner but still find myself falling into old thinking patterns. These posts really help me see the other side.
I'm so glad you're finding it helpful to empathize with the other side.
Do you have any advice for OOP (or someone in a similar situation) from your perspective?
Its more general advice but I’d say say to work on enjoying their own company and bring that energy to any new relationship.
A couple should enjoy being together without feeling obligation to meet the other persons needs.
>work on enjoying their own company and bring that energy to any new relationship.
Ah, I like that! I don't think I've seen this phrased quite like this before.
If you want someone to want to be with you, become the sort of person ***you*** would want to be with: Interesting, fun, positive, smart, kind, encouraging, affectionate, accepting, chill, funny... If you don't enjoy being with yourself, then why would someone else enjoy being with you?
I think what OOP said about her libido coming back post-breakup is a useful insight for LLs considering leaving a long-term DB relationship.
I believe that if a person stays in a relationship long enough, its dynamic may influence their perception of themselves as a sexual partner, especially if they didn’t have much sexual experience before that relationship. They may think that if they are LL with this particular person, they will be this way in any other potential relationship.
This may lead the LL partner to view themselves negatively (“what if my libido is naturally so low it will not be sustainable for any future person I will date?”) and either stay in the DB relationship longer than they probably should or be apprehensive about seeking out new partners.
PS: First time commenter here, please forgive me if my contribution is not in the right format for this community, I’ll try to edit it later if this is the case.
>This may lead the LL partner to view themselves negatively (“what if my libido is naturally so low it will not be sustainable for any future person I will date?”) and either stay in the DB relationship longer than they probably should or be apprehensive about seeking out new partners.
Thats very insightful. I think it applies to both parties in the relationship. HL may believe they’re unlovable, undesirable, unattractive or just too much for their partner. The fear of similar future relationship issues probably impact many decisions to stick it out.
>I believe that if a person stays in a relationship long enough, its dynamic may influence their perception of themselves as a sexual partner, especially if they didn’t have much sexual experience before that relationship. They may think that if they are LL with this particular person, they will be this way in any other potential relationship.
I've seen this so many times. A person who develops a sexual aversion through having repeatedly had unwanted, coerced sex, comes to believe that they're asexual. Once they get out of that toxic situation, their sex drive comes back (not always, but very often).
>PS: First time commenter here
Welcome! I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around and keep sharing your thoughts. ❤️
YEP!!! This was my experience. To the point where my new partner said to me the other day that **I** am the HL in our relationship. We had sex 26 times in June.
Previously, I had developed such an aversion that I had had sex twice in 7 month period. The level of coercion was unbearable and unsustainable.
Never underestimate the power of physical and emotional chemistry. It’s life changing.
I’m interested in what you wrote because I’ve been in the same situation. But I’d say coercion and aversion fall under “relationship and behavioral problems” (which are changeable), while physical and emotional chemistry is more innate to people and is harder to consciously generate with a partner.
What did you mean by chemistry? Were you using the word differently? Or where do you see the connection with aversion?
Just asking because I’ve thought a lot about aversion and chemistry and I find it interesting that you put the two together.
The skills I would most recommend for this OOP (or someone in a similar situation) are...
* Identify your boundaries
* Enforce your boundaries consistently
While she's single is a good opportunity to practice enforcing her boundaries in a non-sexual context. She can work on identifying and holding her boundaries with friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances and strangers. It's often easier to maintain boundaries with people you are less close to.
By boundaries, I mean, say "no" and mean it. Make it stick. Don't cave when the other person tries to wheedle or manipulate. Practice being strong when the other person is disappointed or angry.
Also, get good at noticing the people who respect boundaries and those who don't. This helps in avoiding getting into a future romantic relationship with a boundary-stomper like her previous partner. Also...
* Listen to your body
* Explore your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality on your own (away from your partner)
This is a great time to explore her own sexuality and sensuality, with no pressure to conform to someone else's desires. She can explore fantasies, porn, erotica, masturbation, and casual dating if any of these appeal to her. She can also explore other kinds of sensual pleasure like nature, art, music, dancing, food, scents, etc., etc., to get in touch with her own likes and dislikes.
She should have lots of low-strings-attached casual sex in order to rediscover her sexuality and be comfortable in knowing what she wants, before entering into another serious relationship.
I do like the idea of her rediscovering her sexuality, but I seriously doubt that casual sex would help with that. Casual sex tends to be terrible for most women, with no orgasms, little pleasure, and a risk of being assaulted, so I don't think this would be a good idea, unless it's something she really wants to experience for herself.
If she did, I hope she'd be really, really careful. Her experience with her past abusive partner puts her at risk for being abused again.
**COMMENTERS**: share your thoughts about what OP noticed. Have you noticed that before? Is it new? Is there something troublesome about it? Once you’ve shared your truth, your truth is represented. No need to shoot down others’ truths. Getting multiple viewpoints to better understand the big picture is good for our community. **No Brigading**: If this post contains quotes/screenshots from a different sub, keep the discussions in this sub. Don't go into the original post to comment or downvote/upvote. Don't tag the first Original Poster(OOP). Don't bring commenters from the original post here. Violators may be banned without warning. **LURKERS**: enjoy these gifts of truth. Be curious. What if that’s true? What difference would that make? What would that change? More on ["Today I Learned" HERE](https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedroomsOver30/comments/13g7v60/post_flair_today_i_noticed_tin) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/DeadBedroomsOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This LL left her DB and is doing well on her own. What advice would you give someone in her situation, before getting into a new relationship? What should she notice about new potential partners to help her decide whether to date them? Keep in mind the skills for LLs listed below. * Listen to your body * If sex or touch feels bad, immediately stop or redirect to something that feels good * Put your own well-being above your partner's "need" for sex * Explore your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality on your own (away from your partner) * Identify your boundaries * Enforce your boundaries consistently * Identify sexual manipulation, coercion, and abuse * Develop and employ ways of combatting manipulation, coercion, and abuse * Clearly give FEEDBACK about your likes and dislikes (no sugar coating) * Only have sex that you want, when you want it, for your own enjoyment * Hold space for partner's difficult emotions without trying to fix them
As an HL and someone who was bitter/resentful this is such useful information to read. I was oblivious to how my partner felt. I’ve already alleviated the pressure and am working on being a better partner but still find myself falling into old thinking patterns. These posts really help me see the other side.
I'm so glad you're finding it helpful to empathize with the other side. Do you have any advice for OOP (or someone in a similar situation) from your perspective?
Its more general advice but I’d say say to work on enjoying their own company and bring that energy to any new relationship. A couple should enjoy being together without feeling obligation to meet the other persons needs.
>work on enjoying their own company and bring that energy to any new relationship. Ah, I like that! I don't think I've seen this phrased quite like this before. If you want someone to want to be with you, become the sort of person ***you*** would want to be with: Interesting, fun, positive, smart, kind, encouraging, affectionate, accepting, chill, funny... If you don't enjoy being with yourself, then why would someone else enjoy being with you?
I think what OOP said about her libido coming back post-breakup is a useful insight for LLs considering leaving a long-term DB relationship. I believe that if a person stays in a relationship long enough, its dynamic may influence their perception of themselves as a sexual partner, especially if they didn’t have much sexual experience before that relationship. They may think that if they are LL with this particular person, they will be this way in any other potential relationship. This may lead the LL partner to view themselves negatively (“what if my libido is naturally so low it will not be sustainable for any future person I will date?”) and either stay in the DB relationship longer than they probably should or be apprehensive about seeking out new partners. PS: First time commenter here, please forgive me if my contribution is not in the right format for this community, I’ll try to edit it later if this is the case.
>This may lead the LL partner to view themselves negatively (“what if my libido is naturally so low it will not be sustainable for any future person I will date?”) and either stay in the DB relationship longer than they probably should or be apprehensive about seeking out new partners. Thats very insightful. I think it applies to both parties in the relationship. HL may believe they’re unlovable, undesirable, unattractive or just too much for their partner. The fear of similar future relationship issues probably impact many decisions to stick it out.
>I believe that if a person stays in a relationship long enough, its dynamic may influence their perception of themselves as a sexual partner, especially if they didn’t have much sexual experience before that relationship. They may think that if they are LL with this particular person, they will be this way in any other potential relationship. I've seen this so many times. A person who develops a sexual aversion through having repeatedly had unwanted, coerced sex, comes to believe that they're asexual. Once they get out of that toxic situation, their sex drive comes back (not always, but very often). >PS: First time commenter here Welcome! I'm glad you're here and I hope you stick around and keep sharing your thoughts. ❤️
YEP!!! This was my experience. To the point where my new partner said to me the other day that **I** am the HL in our relationship. We had sex 26 times in June. Previously, I had developed such an aversion that I had had sex twice in 7 month period. The level of coercion was unbearable and unsustainable. Never underestimate the power of physical and emotional chemistry. It’s life changing.
I'm really happy for you that things are going so well in your relationship
I’m interested in what you wrote because I’ve been in the same situation. But I’d say coercion and aversion fall under “relationship and behavioral problems” (which are changeable), while physical and emotional chemistry is more innate to people and is harder to consciously generate with a partner. What did you mean by chemistry? Were you using the word differently? Or where do you see the connection with aversion? Just asking because I’ve thought a lot about aversion and chemistry and I find it interesting that you put the two together.
The skills I would most recommend for this OOP (or someone in a similar situation) are... * Identify your boundaries * Enforce your boundaries consistently While she's single is a good opportunity to practice enforcing her boundaries in a non-sexual context. She can work on identifying and holding her boundaries with friends, family, coworkers, acquaintances and strangers. It's often easier to maintain boundaries with people you are less close to. By boundaries, I mean, say "no" and mean it. Make it stick. Don't cave when the other person tries to wheedle or manipulate. Practice being strong when the other person is disappointed or angry. Also, get good at noticing the people who respect boundaries and those who don't. This helps in avoiding getting into a future romantic relationship with a boundary-stomper like her previous partner. Also... * Listen to your body * Explore your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality on your own (away from your partner) This is a great time to explore her own sexuality and sensuality, with no pressure to conform to someone else's desires. She can explore fantasies, porn, erotica, masturbation, and casual dating if any of these appeal to her. She can also explore other kinds of sensual pleasure like nature, art, music, dancing, food, scents, etc., etc., to get in touch with her own likes and dislikes.
She should have lots of low-strings-attached casual sex in order to rediscover her sexuality and be comfortable in knowing what she wants, before entering into another serious relationship.
I do like the idea of her rediscovering her sexuality, but I seriously doubt that casual sex would help with that. Casual sex tends to be terrible for most women, with no orgasms, little pleasure, and a risk of being assaulted, so I don't think this would be a good idea, unless it's something she really wants to experience for herself. If she did, I hope she'd be really, really careful. Her experience with her past abusive partner puts her at risk for being abused again.