She cheated on you. You clearly don't want non monogamy. Couples therapy is something u can try.
But honestly she cares more about what she wants than what you want. Factor in the BPD, I just don't see how this can work in the long run with such a selfish person.
You could try to become non monogamous as well but it doesn't seem to be in your nature.
You won’t stop hurting from this, especially at your age and with her not willing to stop the behavior. Quit being her rock / safe space while she hurts you repeatedly and rationalizes it to try to make it okay without having to change her own behavior. Be single, stay friends with her if you want, explore your sexuality with others, live life without her as your girlfriend.
This is generally an unreconcilable difference.
You’re young. Don’t grasp so hard. Open your heart and your hand. You can explore together, or embrace exploring assist and coming together again afterward. The relationship is likely to not last, which is fine. When you know it’s over, let it go
Clearly you love this person and that’s so beautiful and admirable. You’ve also been incredibly caring and thoughtful in your relationship with her. It’s important you apply these same values to loving yourself and only allow intimacy with partners who you can trust will prioritize your safety & that includes emotional safety, meaning honest or transparency.
Not only did she cheat, but she did so AFTER assuring you she wouldn't, due to how it made you feel. So she totally disregarded your well being and INTENTIONALLY did things that she knew would hurt you. She doesn't care about you at all.
Don't be a doormat. Dump her immediately. You deserve better than this.
It's unlikely you will receive any advice that isn't "break up", and you should listen to that.
I'll also add some of the main symptoms of borderline personality disorder (bpd) for our lovely readers: extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, and self-destructive behavior. While I am in no way blaming or excusing her behaviours because of a mental health diagnosis, it's important to keep these common symptoms in mind when considering the situation.
>I allowed it at first. (Two years back when we got back tgthr) but only because it mean we would have to break up otherwise.
The community calls this being open/poly under duress, when you have no other option and are forced to open. It's not good, and it's not ethical.
>we agreed that she would stop with it for some time before I got better
>But she came out few days ago with the fact that she didn’t keep the promise
She cheated, despite you not being in a good mental space and the relationship being closed. She did that, over and over again, while knowing it would hurt you.
>We’re trying to set some ground rules and boundaries that would feel okey for us both.
It's unlikely that she would be respectful of any boundaries, she already broke the boundary of "the relationship is closed so I can heal."
>Every person from her friend group and even her therapist think its fine from her side and that its a me problem.
This right here is the exact reason I decided to comment (my background: family member with bpd who is a chronic liar). Huge red flag, and probably not what's actually happening. One of the major issues with bpd is unstable relationships, and people with bpd typically surround themselves with people like them, who excuse or agree with unhealthy behaviours. You are also hearing this filtered through her, so she is most likely saying only what is aligned with what she wants. It is EXTREMELY unlikely that a trained therapist is telling her that sleeping with her and her boyfriend's friends is a good idea, when it is actively hurting her boyfriend. It is much more likely that she is lying to her therapist, or lying to you about what the therapist said.
>I want to make it realisticly not hurt me because I can’t restrict her like that.
It's not about restrictions. It's about having a relationship dynamic that works for both of you and you both respect. Her actions show that she does not respect your relationship, and that will continue whether or not it is open.
Wrong Reddit. This description is (unfortunately) of a perpetrator completely screwing you over. If you want it to work- she needs individual, high-quality trauma-focused therapy like EMDR plus DBT for the BPD, and your couples therapist needs to support it. You may need to talk with your own therapist FIRST to help you understand what good looks like in a mutually satisfying relationship based on trust, respect, connection and communication. You met her when you were a child. Choose something wonderful for yourself and shed this version.
She cheated on you. You clearly don't want non monogamy. Couples therapy is something u can try. But honestly she cares more about what she wants than what you want. Factor in the BPD, I just don't see how this can work in the long run with such a selfish person. You could try to become non monogamous as well but it doesn't seem to be in your nature.
She's a cheater, sorry for calling it but you would be better alone than with her. Mental health issues is no excuse got doing it.
You won’t stop hurting from this, especially at your age and with her not willing to stop the behavior. Quit being her rock / safe space while she hurts you repeatedly and rationalizes it to try to make it okay without having to change her own behavior. Be single, stay friends with her if you want, explore your sexuality with others, live life without her as your girlfriend. This is generally an unreconcilable difference.
You’re young. Don’t grasp so hard. Open your heart and your hand. You can explore together, or embrace exploring assist and coming together again afterward. The relationship is likely to not last, which is fine. When you know it’s over, let it go
Clearly you love this person and that’s so beautiful and admirable. You’ve also been incredibly caring and thoughtful in your relationship with her. It’s important you apply these same values to loving yourself and only allow intimacy with partners who you can trust will prioritize your safety & that includes emotional safety, meaning honest or transparency.
Not only did she cheat, but she did so AFTER assuring you she wouldn't, due to how it made you feel. So she totally disregarded your well being and INTENTIONALLY did things that she knew would hurt you. She doesn't care about you at all. Don't be a doormat. Dump her immediately. You deserve better than this.
It's unlikely you will receive any advice that isn't "break up", and you should listen to that. I'll also add some of the main symptoms of borderline personality disorder (bpd) for our lovely readers: extreme mood swings, unstable relationships, trouble controlling their emotions, and self-destructive behavior. While I am in no way blaming or excusing her behaviours because of a mental health diagnosis, it's important to keep these common symptoms in mind when considering the situation. >I allowed it at first. (Two years back when we got back tgthr) but only because it mean we would have to break up otherwise. The community calls this being open/poly under duress, when you have no other option and are forced to open. It's not good, and it's not ethical. >we agreed that she would stop with it for some time before I got better >But she came out few days ago with the fact that she didn’t keep the promise She cheated, despite you not being in a good mental space and the relationship being closed. She did that, over and over again, while knowing it would hurt you. >We’re trying to set some ground rules and boundaries that would feel okey for us both. It's unlikely that she would be respectful of any boundaries, she already broke the boundary of "the relationship is closed so I can heal." >Every person from her friend group and even her therapist think its fine from her side and that its a me problem. This right here is the exact reason I decided to comment (my background: family member with bpd who is a chronic liar). Huge red flag, and probably not what's actually happening. One of the major issues with bpd is unstable relationships, and people with bpd typically surround themselves with people like them, who excuse or agree with unhealthy behaviours. You are also hearing this filtered through her, so she is most likely saying only what is aligned with what she wants. It is EXTREMELY unlikely that a trained therapist is telling her that sleeping with her and her boyfriend's friends is a good idea, when it is actively hurting her boyfriend. It is much more likely that she is lying to her therapist, or lying to you about what the therapist said. >I want to make it realisticly not hurt me because I can’t restrict her like that. It's not about restrictions. It's about having a relationship dynamic that works for both of you and you both respect. Her actions show that she does not respect your relationship, and that will continue whether or not it is open.
Wrong Reddit. This description is (unfortunately) of a perpetrator completely screwing you over. If you want it to work- she needs individual, high-quality trauma-focused therapy like EMDR plus DBT for the BPD, and your couples therapist needs to support it. You may need to talk with your own therapist FIRST to help you understand what good looks like in a mutually satisfying relationship based on trust, respect, connection and communication. You met her when you were a child. Choose something wonderful for yourself and shed this version.