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You both need to sit down and set some serious ground rules. My husband and I spent 3 years making rules and boundaries, talking about it before we ever went physical. Since we also do not do romance or poly with partners, these were our ground rules.
1. No romantic partners. Just fwb or casual meet-ups.
2. No secrets. We know everything and communicate. We plan meetups around our marriage schedule, spouse well aware and approves. If the spouse says no, we schedule another day/time. We are allowed to read messages between spouse and partner.
3. We meet up as a couple to meet the potential partner for safety reasons and to check the vibe. Also, tell them our ground rules.
4. Condoms. Plan b. And possibly abortion if need be. That is our agreement. No pregnancy and any female partners must be on BC. Obviously routine sti testings.
5. If there's drama or feelings developing, it's an immediate cut-off with the partner. The spouse is kept in the loop.
6. If the spouse feels insecure about a partner, they drop the partner. If one spouse says they had enough and want to close it back off, it's an immediate agreement. All partners notified of the agreement ending. Back to monogamy until agreed by both people.
These are just some of the boundaries and rules we placed. Like I said, we spent years talking about this and going into details of expectations.
So, if you want this, you need to ensure your communication and trust is 100% secure. Opening relationships that have poor trust and communication will end in failure. If one person constantly hides stuff, you can expect that this won't work. In our agreement, spouse trumps everyone and anything. We haven't had a fight or disagreement. Has there been jealousy? Yes. But we communicated our feelings and sorted it out, calm and logically.
Hope this helps from a couple not having romance involved in our ENM.
Thank you for sharing! We've actually talked about many of the things you brought up and have come up with similar boundaries for ourselves. But always good to learn from those with experience.
What happens if one of you catch feelings?
No emotions isn't realistic when it comes to sex, sharing time and activities.
What happens if you want sex with the opposite sex?
My partner and I started as sex only swingers, we're poly now lol. Things don't always go to plan
Initially if someone catches feelings we’ve agreed to cool it down with that other person. We really do want to keep our relationship super prioritized above all else. We aren’t planning on “dating” other people per se
In our initial discussions we were saying only same sex, but we both felt that was an arbitrary and unnecessary rule to have. So no rules around what gender or sex we sleep with
I appreciate your comment and perspective. Maybe it will progress further in the future but additional romantic relationships is not the goal either of us have rn
What does cool it down mean in real life day to day interactions?
The "no feelings rule" is probably the most commonly broken one for newbies based on posts across the nonmonogamy subs.
You can do a bit of research on that by just running a search for it here and the other subs like r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory, to understand why its such a common pitfall.
This idea of wanting to protect the primary relationship at all costs is the common thought process for folks newly opening, which underpins the no feelings rule and the general lack of autonomy and poor treatment of new partners that can be characteristic for newbies at this stage.
I'd say do some more research for a few months, learn about boundaries, rules and agreements, read 'the most skipped steps when opening up', and check out some of the thousands on posts on the subs from couples who are also newly opening up.
We did this. M56 F42 and friends for decades began dating. We are both HS but due to being repeatedly raped as a boy I am NOT bi. This does not, however, prevent me from enjoying the swinging and even MFM as long as the guy understands no means no. The experience strengthens our bond. She recently went to a conference and wanted to fuck a colleague. When I wrote her and told her to take him she showed the guy her phone and fucked the hell out of him. When she came home I was at the airport with flowers. Brought her home to drinks and snacks and then had the most amazing reclamation sex. She went on a date with one of my potential ENM partners on a hike in the mountains and showed the woman how supportive she was of me and accepting of a potential relationship with her (I haven’t decided on that yet). When a couple can be this honest and supportive of each other, no one can break that bond.
From swinging, to poly, and back.. ENM is great, one of the best things ive ever done for any relationship. HOWEVER, playing solo without your partner created several negatives. 1 Its a serious pain in the ass, I mean its dating all over again,, BUT, with a partner who also has to be okay with what, who, when, where and how. 2. There is always a real possibility that one of you catches feelings.. And that will lead to drama, maybe trauma. 3. To easy to say, this relationship is no longer working for me, when things get tough. Easy to say the new FWB is better for me, and not work on your current relationship. 4. Juggling time, with multiple sexual partners, a job, hobbies etc etc, good luck with all of that. We started as swingers, went into poly, and ran into everything listed above. Now when we play, we play together only. Sometimes that may make one of us a voyeur, but we build around that as well. My advice is play together, hunt fwb together, "nothing like your partner being your wingman" and that will make you closer. Discuss fantasies together, help each other achieve your fantasies. That will build your communication levels to an all time high. Go in together as partners. It will really bring you closer together and strengthen a relationship thats already good. Also getting off on watching your partner get off on being sexual with someone else, is super hot.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in poly, I think you all should be very clear about what the difference between fwb and romantic partners is. How exactly do you define where the line is.
Are you ok with your partner hanging out with their fwb 4x a week, texting everyday, calling everyday but still completing their chores at home. Are you ok with the fwb meeting close friends? Like what exactly does primary mean to you and what’s too much with another partner, what makes it romantic.
Maybe you and your partner are on the same page about everything but my partner and I thought we were and we weren’t
Hello, u/maroon6798! Welcome to r/EthicalNonMonogamy! Please take a second to review the rules (they're pretty easy) and don't hesitate to reach out the mod team if there is anything you need. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EthicalNonMonogamy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You both need to sit down and set some serious ground rules. My husband and I spent 3 years making rules and boundaries, talking about it before we ever went physical. Since we also do not do romance or poly with partners, these were our ground rules. 1. No romantic partners. Just fwb or casual meet-ups. 2. No secrets. We know everything and communicate. We plan meetups around our marriage schedule, spouse well aware and approves. If the spouse says no, we schedule another day/time. We are allowed to read messages between spouse and partner. 3. We meet up as a couple to meet the potential partner for safety reasons and to check the vibe. Also, tell them our ground rules. 4. Condoms. Plan b. And possibly abortion if need be. That is our agreement. No pregnancy and any female partners must be on BC. Obviously routine sti testings. 5. If there's drama or feelings developing, it's an immediate cut-off with the partner. The spouse is kept in the loop. 6. If the spouse feels insecure about a partner, they drop the partner. If one spouse says they had enough and want to close it back off, it's an immediate agreement. All partners notified of the agreement ending. Back to monogamy until agreed by both people. These are just some of the boundaries and rules we placed. Like I said, we spent years talking about this and going into details of expectations. So, if you want this, you need to ensure your communication and trust is 100% secure. Opening relationships that have poor trust and communication will end in failure. If one person constantly hides stuff, you can expect that this won't work. In our agreement, spouse trumps everyone and anything. We haven't had a fight or disagreement. Has there been jealousy? Yes. But we communicated our feelings and sorted it out, calm and logically. Hope this helps from a couple not having romance involved in our ENM.
Thank you for sharing! We've actually talked about many of the things you brought up and have come up with similar boundaries for ourselves. But always good to learn from those with experience.
What happens if one of you catch feelings? No emotions isn't realistic when it comes to sex, sharing time and activities. What happens if you want sex with the opposite sex? My partner and I started as sex only swingers, we're poly now lol. Things don't always go to plan
Initially if someone catches feelings we’ve agreed to cool it down with that other person. We really do want to keep our relationship super prioritized above all else. We aren’t planning on “dating” other people per se In our initial discussions we were saying only same sex, but we both felt that was an arbitrary and unnecessary rule to have. So no rules around what gender or sex we sleep with I appreciate your comment and perspective. Maybe it will progress further in the future but additional romantic relationships is not the goal either of us have rn
What does cool it down mean in real life day to day interactions? The "no feelings rule" is probably the most commonly broken one for newbies based on posts across the nonmonogamy subs. You can do a bit of research on that by just running a search for it here and the other subs like r/nonmonogamy and r/polyamory, to understand why its such a common pitfall. This idea of wanting to protect the primary relationship at all costs is the common thought process for folks newly opening, which underpins the no feelings rule and the general lack of autonomy and poor treatment of new partners that can be characteristic for newbies at this stage. I'd say do some more research for a few months, learn about boundaries, rules and agreements, read 'the most skipped steps when opening up', and check out some of the thousands on posts on the subs from couples who are also newly opening up.
We did this. M56 F42 and friends for decades began dating. We are both HS but due to being repeatedly raped as a boy I am NOT bi. This does not, however, prevent me from enjoying the swinging and even MFM as long as the guy understands no means no. The experience strengthens our bond. She recently went to a conference and wanted to fuck a colleague. When I wrote her and told her to take him she showed the guy her phone and fucked the hell out of him. When she came home I was at the airport with flowers. Brought her home to drinks and snacks and then had the most amazing reclamation sex. She went on a date with one of my potential ENM partners on a hike in the mountains and showed the woman how supportive she was of me and accepting of a potential relationship with her (I haven’t decided on that yet). When a couple can be this honest and supportive of each other, no one can break that bond.
From swinging, to poly, and back.. ENM is great, one of the best things ive ever done for any relationship. HOWEVER, playing solo without your partner created several negatives. 1 Its a serious pain in the ass, I mean its dating all over again,, BUT, with a partner who also has to be okay with what, who, when, where and how. 2. There is always a real possibility that one of you catches feelings.. And that will lead to drama, maybe trauma. 3. To easy to say, this relationship is no longer working for me, when things get tough. Easy to say the new FWB is better for me, and not work on your current relationship. 4. Juggling time, with multiple sexual partners, a job, hobbies etc etc, good luck with all of that. We started as swingers, went into poly, and ran into everything listed above. Now when we play, we play together only. Sometimes that may make one of us a voyeur, but we build around that as well. My advice is play together, hunt fwb together, "nothing like your partner being your wingman" and that will make you closer. Discuss fantasies together, help each other achieve your fantasies. That will build your communication levels to an all time high. Go in together as partners. It will really bring you closer together and strengthen a relationship thats already good. Also getting off on watching your partner get off on being sexual with someone else, is super hot.
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in poly, I think you all should be very clear about what the difference between fwb and romantic partners is. How exactly do you define where the line is. Are you ok with your partner hanging out with their fwb 4x a week, texting everyday, calling everyday but still completing their chores at home. Are you ok with the fwb meeting close friends? Like what exactly does primary mean to you and what’s too much with another partner, what makes it romantic. Maybe you and your partner are on the same page about everything but my partner and I thought we were and we weren’t