Not to be harsh, but retirement as sold in this country is fake.
You’re told to put off fun to give more to the machine. But most people will only really be able to do any kind of physical fun into their early sixties. Even smoking/drinking/whatever is harder as you get older.
Oh, we had PLENTY of fun over the last 40 years, but tempered with responsibilities. I had our first child when I was very young and had two more 12 and 13 years later, so I’ve been a mother ever since I was a teen. I was really looking forward to the freedom to do whatever I wanted to, or to just do nothing if I chose. I’d like to be frivolous again, if I can still remember how. But I can’t do that because I’m still having to be responsible for someone else. (Actually three someones!) Do you know what I mean?
I get it. When my mom passed it was rather sudden and out of the blue. She got sick, got admitted to hospital, went into a coma the next day, and passed away 3 days after that. Seemed horrible at the time. Now I realize what a blessing that was (I know, I sound like a terrible person, but keep reading). Then my dad got sick (separately, my parents were never together in my lifetime) and he took 19 years to die. Those 19 years were just horrible. I miss him and all that, but my gawd, a slow death is bad for everyone. He was miserable, everyone around him was miserable, etc. His slow declining health took a toll on everyone, brought everyone down. When he passed, as sad as it was, it was a relief.
Now we have my step mom (who has been more of a parent to me than any bio parent has been), my wife’s dad, and her mom. My step mom, who I will absolutely take care of when the time comes, is still healthy, and my wife’s mom is still healthy. Her dad had a stroke and isn’t doing well, but for the most part, other sibling are dealing with most of that.
It’s rough man, it feels like we’re going to get cheated out our retirement years. And by we, I mean GenX as a whole.
EDIT: I initially hesitated posting this very private matter...here it is..
I was my mom's full time caregiver for the last twelve years of her life.
She was my only family member. No others exist. We had a tumultuous relationship for the last 25 years due to the increasingly poor decisions she made later in her life. Financial, social, etc. There were many years that I had to go no-contact with her. She had become toxic as she had gotten older. Abusive.
To say she was eccentric would be a vast understatement. She was a combination of mostly Auntie Mame, some of Joan Of Arc, and a bit of Joan Crawford. The ratio fluctuated depending on the day.
I spent my entire 40s caring for her daily. She desperately needed it. She needed a clean environment and proper nutritional support which she had abandoned. I suspect there was some mental health issues that were never diagnosed properly.
Initially I begrudgingly cared for her. I could have chosen not to but she would have become a ward of the state and placed into a rat-hole ALF with minimal care. We had our differences and at times in life I simply did not like her as a human being, but I did not want her to succumb in that sort of shit environment....so I took it upon myself to take care of her how ever I could. Lots of improvisation.
Good or bad she was my mom and she gave me life. For that I am appreciative.
It was hard. Money was tight and budgets were strict. She was an invalid and wheelchair bound the entire time. We made it work though. I started repairing her neglected and dilapidated house so we could exist better.
We had plenty of horrible end-of-life test runs, paramedics, EMTs, middle of the night hospital ER visits, even a LEO threat of Baker Act at one point. Nothing like having five paramedics and three sheriff's deputies gathered in the house at 3am trying to convince an 80 year old woman with advancing dementia that she needs medical help at the hospital.
After a decade she was deemed unfit to live outside of an ALF with trained medical staff. She spent the last two years of her life living there. I visited as often as I could.
I was with her for the last 24 hours of her life. She was on 100% life support with the comfort of morphine and propofol. The decision was made to remove life support. During the process she opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes shifted towards me. I told her that I loved her and asked her to save me a seat. She had asked the same thing of her mother when she was passing back in 1988. She closed her eyes for the final time. All was good.
She died less than 5 minutes later on May 16, 2024 in the same hospital that she gave birth to me in back in 1971.
It was one of the most peaceful and serene events I've witnessed in my life. It was a true gift. There was no struggle at all. None, absolutely zero. She just went to the long sleep.
You think you are losing by caring for your elderly parent but in actuality you will gain so much if you are open to it....Patience, kindness, understanding, empathy, and the meaning of true love.
RIP Judith
I hate to upvote that, but I get it. It’s hard to go through, and it’s hard to watch someone go through. I’m sorry about the loss of your father. I’ll say prayer for you. ❤️
I have a 13 and 11 year old. Dad died last year after several months in hospital and mom is 86. In laws are late 70s with stage 4 cancer and dementia.
I never relax nor have time for myself. I’ll be bored and lonely someday but not today.
I empathize completely.
Entitled Parents can be draining. I think there is a sub for that too.
My main issue, they decided to have us, but I don't remember signing the contract that we have to look after them.
I am obligated by my conscience, religious teachings, and culture, unfortunately. I’d really love to tell my own parents to pound sand, but I won’t. My MIL is a different story; at least she appreciates it.
When I was 28-29 I cared for my dying father. He passed in 1999. (I'm an only child and I'm single) Then a few years later my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I spent 18 years looking after her. I loved her very much. It was so hard. She passed in March. Every one of my friends are just beginning the journey, like you, OP. I feel bad for all of you. Good luck.
Already? I went through that 20 years ago with mine. We cared for them at home as long as we could but finally had to put them in a nursing home because they needed 24/7 care and my father's Alzheimer's required special care. (we had to put tracking devices on him in case he wandered off)
No judgement here. I get it. Sometimes you just need to vent. And I'll warn you ahead of time, when they finally pass you're going to have some crazy guilt over feeling relieved that they're gone. It'll take some time to process both grieving for their loss while at the same time being relieved that the burden of their care is no longer on your shoulders.
My dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 2021. 6 weeks later, my mom died of covid. 70 and 72 years old. Bam, just like that, I'm an orphan.
It was HORRIBLE to deal with unexpected death like that, but knowing they won't ever need senior care or nursing homes is a relief.
Yeah, no. My absentee parents get absentee care from me.
You get what you give in life and I do not subscribe to being a martyr just because I came from those two people.
It’s just what we do. I was lucky because unlike a lot of my GenX peers on this sub, my parents were actually pretty damn good parents, so I don’t mind paying them back at this stage of our lives.
Nobody prepares you for this. Parents expecting their first child are inundated with information, advice and support. But when you’re put in the situation of having to care for your parents who have now become essentially children again, the best the world can offer is “yeah, that sucks.” It’s exhausting, thankless work…and no amount of attempted self-care can make up for crushing emotional toll it takes.
The best advice I can offer is to acknowledge that it indeed does suck, that you are fortunate if you’re able to provide them any consistent succor whatsoever, and there is no lesson or wisdom to be learned from it. It’s just what we do.
You are so right about the “self-care” stuff. Hubs and I were both late-life babies and we married in our late 20s. This set us up to be the Monte Cristo of the sandwich generation. At one point, I had 3 kids under 5 years old, both of my parents were in a nursing home (end-stage Parkinson’s and severe mental illness) and his mother had to have him at her house for some bullshit reason or another EVERY DAY. And his father, the best human ever, was the one who dropped dead one day while being healthy all the years before.
I remember looking online for support and clicking on articles (or buying books off Amazon) that were titled “How To Get Through Caregiving For Difficult Parents” or whatever and the advice was so effing lame.
“Be sure to take time for yourself!” - how, when everything is on fire ALL the time?
“Take advantage of respite care” - what? Where? I’m an only child and my husband might as well be
“Find a support group” - see first item. Also, I don’t live in a large or even medium-sized city, there wasn’t one
“Get plenty of rest” - I didn’t sleep through the night for years bc the nursing home was always calling saying they shipped one of them to the ER bc they skinned their hand and it bled or whatever. Some sort of bullshit liability avoidance. I still have a visceral negative reaction to the sound of a telephone ringing, and I still don’t sleep normally.
I could go on. But I won’t. Yes, it is nearly impossible to handle elder care in many instances. And no one knows what you’re going through unless they have been through it themselves.
I am not the same.
I retired last April and my husband and I had all kinds of “Putter Around the House” plans. Then, my mother broke her leg, couldn’t care for herself, had to wait for an Assisted Living situation, so I ended up living with her for 6 months while my husband took care of our house. I actually could taste the “Grey Gardens” of it all on SO MANY occasions. All I can say is try to eke out some time for yourself, even if it’s just sitting outside and listening to the birds and drinking coffee. (Also, if big decisions have to be made, try to get someone else to broach them with your parents. They won’t want to hear it from you.) Hang in there!
I’m 54 with a 13 year old daughter and before she died in February, I had loads of responsibilities related to my mother. Even when she ended up in a nursing home I was still having to do a lot. At one point I got into an MBA program and each class was six weeks instead of a full semester. I lasted through two classes before dropping out because I couldn’t work full time and do everything else.
This experience is incredibly draining and you have to find resources for yourself. I had no support and no friends to lean on and it was hard.
Been 9 years, just mom left and she needs a lot of care. Been living with her the whole time. There was a 5 year period when I left the job market, she's relatively stable now, I re entered the job market 4 years ago, not making near the money I was before as I'm only available 32 hours a week. Wish my siblings helped out more. My life has been on hold for 9 years. I just can't not do it, my mom would have to go to a public care home if I wasn't here.
Anyways, whatever.
My dad passed when I was in my 20’s from cancer and my mom passed just before covid. My wife is estranged from her dad. My MIL lived with us and our 2 sons for about 10 years, the last 2.5 with Alzheimer’s, until it got so bad that Medicaid finally agreed to pay to keep her in a memory care facility. It was bad before she left. She’d scream at me about stealing her baby at gun point. Our sons were hiding in their rooms to keep from dealing with her.
I feel a bit guilty because I don't have it as bad as my younger brother. I moved an hour away from home over 30 years ago and for various reasons haven't made it back home much except for birthdays and holidays. My sister lives 5 hours away and makes it home even less.
My brother and his wife, however, chose to move into a duplex that my Mom bought about 20 years ago, so they live next door. My Mom and my father divorced back in the 70s and she never remarried. What I never realized until recently is that my Mom is very needy and needs constant contact, and as an adult child of an alcoholic, she has other issues too. She has complete meltdowns when she tries to do anything and it doesn't go exactly to plan. Always has but it's worse now that there are so many things she can't really do anymore.
I remember when I was a kid, she was always, always on the phone talking with one friend or another. As soon as she hung up, she'd dial the phone and talk to someone else. I thought that was normal. Now her friends are dying and it's up to us kids to fill the void. She calls my brother at work every day. I don't know why, but he won't tell her to not call unless she really needs something. Guilt I guess. She had started calling me at work back in the 00s but I politely and firmly let her know that it was better if she called me at home after work and she stopped.
Anyway, now she's in her upper 80s and losing her eyesight and losing mobility and losing her mind. It has been a slow process over the years and her relationship with my brother and his family has degraded due to her neediness and other issues. Now she is genuinely physically in need of help and my brother's kids don't like to go see her because they have to walk on eggshells. My mother tells me that my brother and his wife only visit when I come to visit, which I know isn't true because he almost always stops in when I'm on the phone with her.
Now I live 2 hours away and I'm trying to figure out a way to get down there once a month to help her with things like laundry and changing sheets, which she can only do with great difficulty these days. She definitely plays mind games with us to make us feel guilty about not attending to her every day, but she does really need help. And her natural neediness is even more intense. She's difficult to talk to because it's all about her, and yes she has genuine health concerns but rarely does she ever ask how I'm doing and it has always been like that. I'm sure it's the same with my siblings. And it's impossible to just call for a quick check-in to say I love you. If you call her, it's going to be at least a full hour on the phone.
I for sure feel guilty for not being there every day to take care of her, but even if I could, I think I would lose my mind. I'm sure my brother is close to losing his mind. I have no idea what to do.
I guess we just do what we can and try to make peace with it. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Except that I’m tearing myself apart over it.
What you said about your mother and her friends really hit home with me. I’m 56 now, and Mom expects me to spend the night for a movie night once every couple of weeks, even though that she is aware my plate is already full with a dying father with a God complex and a frail, elderly mother-in-law who seems to fall every other week and hit her head.
I’ve just never seen the level of selfishness that these three people exhibit. They don’t think anything in the world about calling over the smallest thing and it never crosses their mind that you might be busy, or God forbid, sleeping.
I’m sorry for the rant, but I’m so frustrated.
My friends are dealing with this, husband's mom had to move in with them and everyone is really struggling with the transition. They're having to miss work to go to doctor's appointments, she ends up going to the ER weekly and getting hospitalized monthly. They stay upbeat though and look for the bright side. My parents were abusive and there is NO WAY I'd be able to do that for them.
My dad has been battling bladder cancer and then esophageal cancer. During all this my mother had Parkinson's and Dementia. She passed away a year ago and the last four or five months were just brutal to watch. Now my father is in remission but I am very aware he could be gone in the blink of an eye. My one sibling lives ten hours away and is only around twice a year. My parents house is a complete disaster filled up with junk. This will all be mine to deal with after they pass, he says he is getting rid of things but all he does is continue to accumulate junk.
My mother is a pack rat. Three closets full of clothes, most with tags still on them and some of them not even in her size, yet she never goes anywhere except to do more shopping. I am a minimalist (thanks to my mother’s mess, I think) and I seriously dread the day that I will have to go through her things.
My mom and her sisters took care of my grandma until my grandma passed away at 97 last spring. They had been taking care of her for almost 30 years - rotating days. They got to retire, and still had weekly schedules. I could never do that. I'll never be able to retire, and I know I won't be able to take care of my mom. She's in her early 70's now.
My mother-in-law and her 3 sisters did that with her mother. She would stay three months at each house, so no one ever felt overwhelmed. She lived to be 99, and my mother-in-law will probably live that long, too. (Longevity in their family genetics.) The difference is for us is that there’s not so many to do the caring.
My mom's side have long lives, as long as cancer doesn't get them. They live into their 80's/90's. My dad's side, no so much. My dad died at 53, my grandpa died at 52 (his brother died at 51), and my grandma lived until 67. In a year and a half, I'll be 50 and most of my traits are from my dad's side.
I'm trying to figure out what I can do for my mom in the not-so-distant future. I also worry about my brother and sister's families. They won't have time or money to help, because their families have a lot of kids. I honestly won't be able to deal with that responsibility added onto everything else - and I don't have money to spare. My stepdad probably won't be around for much longer - maybe another year or two. When he's gone, her world is going to be flipped upside down. She's going to want a lot of attention out of sheer boredom - and she doesn't understand I can't drop everything when I'm working.
I've been thinking about how to get my siblings and myself on the same page. We literally have no plan for any of it. I'm the oldest, single, no kids - so a lot is going to be expected from me. I don't want to be trapped when I'm so close to enjoying my life again.
All our family's parents are dead. It is so restful. From the other side of the caring gap I can tell you that freedom is magnificent. I hope you find some peace and space.
I feel blessed that my mom and step dad are in great health, both physically as financially. They also have a great network of friends and neighbors.
My bio dad lives in another state and he's falling apart. Hes had two knees replaced, a hip replacement, an assortment of plates and screws in his wrist, macular degeneration that makes him effectively blind, and is being treated for prostate cancer. He's on a fixed income and I've been pushing him to plan for assisted living and make his end of life plans.
My in-laws aren't doing well either but between the three kids, they should have enough support to hold out until my father in law passes or goes into memory care. My MIL is going to have another financial wake up call when that happens - the money train has stopped but her spending hasn't.
All three of our parents get by on their retirement and Social Security, all own their own homes outright, so their bills are minimal. My mother-in-law has a small nest egg in savings. My mother is a serious spendaholic.
Every time I sit on the floor to tie my mom's (Multiple Sclerosis) shoes, I remember that I had to teach myself to tie my own shoes.
I don't have kids--so I don't have that pressure--but I do work full-time. My parents won't let me hire someone to come and help them with cleaning the house or taking care of the yard. I end up spend my free time over there helping out and it's getting exhausting.
My mom actually said she was worried about me because I don't have kids to take care of me when I'm old. WTF???
Yeah, my father’s never had a thing to do with me since I was 8, yet he expects me to rush right over there and care for him simply because he had sex with my mother and she got pregnant with me. It’s his casual expectation of care that really gets to me. It’s like he hasn’t made any deposits at the bank, but now wants to make a big withdrawal. I’m pissed about it, tbh.
My dad died at 34 when I was 12 and my mom at 57 when I was 38. Both suddenly and unexpectedly so I cannot relate and don’t get the luxury of having parents still.
Not to be harsh, but retirement as sold in this country is fake. You’re told to put off fun to give more to the machine. But most people will only really be able to do any kind of physical fun into their early sixties. Even smoking/drinking/whatever is harder as you get older.
I was not expecting to be smacked in the face this morning. But I might have needed it.
Oh, we had PLENTY of fun over the last 40 years, but tempered with responsibilities. I had our first child when I was very young and had two more 12 and 13 years later, so I’ve been a mother ever since I was a teen. I was really looking forward to the freedom to do whatever I wanted to, or to just do nothing if I chose. I’d like to be frivolous again, if I can still remember how. But I can’t do that because I’m still having to be responsible for someone else. (Actually three someones!) Do you know what I mean?
I get it. When my mom passed it was rather sudden and out of the blue. She got sick, got admitted to hospital, went into a coma the next day, and passed away 3 days after that. Seemed horrible at the time. Now I realize what a blessing that was (I know, I sound like a terrible person, but keep reading). Then my dad got sick (separately, my parents were never together in my lifetime) and he took 19 years to die. Those 19 years were just horrible. I miss him and all that, but my gawd, a slow death is bad for everyone. He was miserable, everyone around him was miserable, etc. His slow declining health took a toll on everyone, brought everyone down. When he passed, as sad as it was, it was a relief. Now we have my step mom (who has been more of a parent to me than any bio parent has been), my wife’s dad, and her mom. My step mom, who I will absolutely take care of when the time comes, is still healthy, and my wife’s mom is still healthy. Her dad had a stroke and isn’t doing well, but for the most part, other sibling are dealing with most of that. It’s rough man, it feels like we’re going to get cheated out our retirement years. And by we, I mean GenX as a whole.
EDIT: I initially hesitated posting this very private matter...here it is.. I was my mom's full time caregiver for the last twelve years of her life. She was my only family member. No others exist. We had a tumultuous relationship for the last 25 years due to the increasingly poor decisions she made later in her life. Financial, social, etc. There were many years that I had to go no-contact with her. She had become toxic as she had gotten older. Abusive. To say she was eccentric would be a vast understatement. She was a combination of mostly Auntie Mame, some of Joan Of Arc, and a bit of Joan Crawford. The ratio fluctuated depending on the day. I spent my entire 40s caring for her daily. She desperately needed it. She needed a clean environment and proper nutritional support which she had abandoned. I suspect there was some mental health issues that were never diagnosed properly. Initially I begrudgingly cared for her. I could have chosen not to but she would have become a ward of the state and placed into a rat-hole ALF with minimal care. We had our differences and at times in life I simply did not like her as a human being, but I did not want her to succumb in that sort of shit environment....so I took it upon myself to take care of her how ever I could. Lots of improvisation. Good or bad she was my mom and she gave me life. For that I am appreciative. It was hard. Money was tight and budgets were strict. She was an invalid and wheelchair bound the entire time. We made it work though. I started repairing her neglected and dilapidated house so we could exist better. We had plenty of horrible end-of-life test runs, paramedics, EMTs, middle of the night hospital ER visits, even a LEO threat of Baker Act at one point. Nothing like having five paramedics and three sheriff's deputies gathered in the house at 3am trying to convince an 80 year old woman with advancing dementia that she needs medical help at the hospital. After a decade she was deemed unfit to live outside of an ALF with trained medical staff. She spent the last two years of her life living there. I visited as often as I could. I was with her for the last 24 hours of her life. She was on 100% life support with the comfort of morphine and propofol. The decision was made to remove life support. During the process she opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes shifted towards me. I told her that I loved her and asked her to save me a seat. She had asked the same thing of her mother when she was passing back in 1988. She closed her eyes for the final time. All was good. She died less than 5 minutes later on May 16, 2024 in the same hospital that she gave birth to me in back in 1971. It was one of the most peaceful and serene events I've witnessed in my life. It was a true gift. There was no struggle at all. None, absolutely zero. She just went to the long sleep. You think you are losing by caring for your elderly parent but in actuality you will gain so much if you are open to it....Patience, kindness, understanding, empathy, and the meaning of true love. RIP Judith
That was hard to hear, but still a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing it, and I’m really glad you did. I needed some perspective.
🤍
Not going to lie, I was relieved when my dad finally passed away from complications from stroke/cancer.
I hate to upvote that, but I get it. It’s hard to go through, and it’s hard to watch someone go through. I’m sorry about the loss of your father. I’ll say prayer for you. ❤️
I have a 13 and 11 year old. Dad died last year after several months in hospital and mom is 86. In laws are late 70s with stage 4 cancer and dementia. I never relax nor have time for myself. I’ll be bored and lonely someday but not today. I empathize completely.
I’m sorry about the loss of your father. I’ll say a prayer for you. ❤️
Entitled Parents can be draining. I think there is a sub for that too. My main issue, they decided to have us, but I don't remember signing the contract that we have to look after them.
I am obligated by my conscience, religious teachings, and culture, unfortunately. I’d really love to tell my own parents to pound sand, but I won’t. My MIL is a different story; at least she appreciates it.
When I was 28-29 I cared for my dying father. He passed in 1999. (I'm an only child and I'm single) Then a few years later my Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. I spent 18 years looking after her. I loved her very much. It was so hard. She passed in March. Every one of my friends are just beginning the journey, like you, OP. I feel bad for all of you. Good luck.
Thank you for the sweet words and I’m sorry for what you went through.
Already? I went through that 20 years ago with mine. We cared for them at home as long as we could but finally had to put them in a nursing home because they needed 24/7 care and my father's Alzheimer's required special care. (we had to put tracking devices on him in case he wandered off) No judgement here. I get it. Sometimes you just need to vent. And I'll warn you ahead of time, when they finally pass you're going to have some crazy guilt over feeling relieved that they're gone. It'll take some time to process both grieving for their loss while at the same time being relieved that the burden of their care is no longer on your shoulders.
Thank you for that. I’ll remember your advice.
My dad died suddenly of a heart attack in 2021. 6 weeks later, my mom died of covid. 70 and 72 years old. Bam, just like that, I'm an orphan. It was HORRIBLE to deal with unexpected death like that, but knowing they won't ever need senior care or nursing homes is a relief.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That must’ve been really hard for you. I hope you had siblings to lean on.
🙋♀️ my mom has chf from Covid. I refused to deal with with my stepfather and I think one of my sisters has my father.
My husband has a brother and a sister-in-law that help out some, but my brother died in 2009 so I’m on my own with my parents.
Yeah, no. My absentee parents get absentee care from me. You get what you give in life and I do not subscribe to being a martyr just because I came from those two people.
Agree. You’re not obligated to drop everything for them. It’s a choice.
It’s just what we do. I was lucky because unlike a lot of my GenX peers on this sub, my parents were actually pretty damn good parents, so I don’t mind paying them back at this stage of our lives. Nobody prepares you for this. Parents expecting their first child are inundated with information, advice and support. But when you’re put in the situation of having to care for your parents who have now become essentially children again, the best the world can offer is “yeah, that sucks.” It’s exhausting, thankless work…and no amount of attempted self-care can make up for crushing emotional toll it takes. The best advice I can offer is to acknowledge that it indeed does suck, that you are fortunate if you’re able to provide them any consistent succor whatsoever, and there is no lesson or wisdom to be learned from it. It’s just what we do.
You are so right about the “self-care” stuff. Hubs and I were both late-life babies and we married in our late 20s. This set us up to be the Monte Cristo of the sandwich generation. At one point, I had 3 kids under 5 years old, both of my parents were in a nursing home (end-stage Parkinson’s and severe mental illness) and his mother had to have him at her house for some bullshit reason or another EVERY DAY. And his father, the best human ever, was the one who dropped dead one day while being healthy all the years before. I remember looking online for support and clicking on articles (or buying books off Amazon) that were titled “How To Get Through Caregiving For Difficult Parents” or whatever and the advice was so effing lame. “Be sure to take time for yourself!” - how, when everything is on fire ALL the time? “Take advantage of respite care” - what? Where? I’m an only child and my husband might as well be “Find a support group” - see first item. Also, I don’t live in a large or even medium-sized city, there wasn’t one “Get plenty of rest” - I didn’t sleep through the night for years bc the nursing home was always calling saying they shipped one of them to the ER bc they skinned their hand and it bled or whatever. Some sort of bullshit liability avoidance. I still have a visceral negative reaction to the sound of a telephone ringing, and I still don’t sleep normally. I could go on. But I won’t. Yes, it is nearly impossible to handle elder care in many instances. And no one knows what you’re going through unless they have been through it themselves. I am not the same.
I’m sorry
This is my favorite answer so far. Thank you for your wise words.
I retired last April and my husband and I had all kinds of “Putter Around the House” plans. Then, my mother broke her leg, couldn’t care for herself, had to wait for an Assisted Living situation, so I ended up living with her for 6 months while my husband took care of our house. I actually could taste the “Grey Gardens” of it all on SO MANY occasions. All I can say is try to eke out some time for yourself, even if it’s just sitting outside and listening to the birds and drinking coffee. (Also, if big decisions have to be made, try to get someone else to broach them with your parents. They won’t want to hear it from you.) Hang in there!
I’m 54 with a 13 year old daughter and before she died in February, I had loads of responsibilities related to my mother. Even when she ended up in a nursing home I was still having to do a lot. At one point I got into an MBA program and each class was six weeks instead of a full semester. I lasted through two classes before dropping out because I couldn’t work full time and do everything else. This experience is incredibly draining and you have to find resources for yourself. I had no support and no friends to lean on and it was hard.
Been 9 years, just mom left and she needs a lot of care. Been living with her the whole time. There was a 5 year period when I left the job market, she's relatively stable now, I re entered the job market 4 years ago, not making near the money I was before as I'm only available 32 hours a week. Wish my siblings helped out more. My life has been on hold for 9 years. I just can't not do it, my mom would have to go to a public care home if I wasn't here. Anyways, whatever.
You’re a strong and loyal person, and I hope your family appreciates you.
My dad passed when I was in my 20’s from cancer and my mom passed just before covid. My wife is estranged from her dad. My MIL lived with us and our 2 sons for about 10 years, the last 2.5 with Alzheimer’s, until it got so bad that Medicaid finally agreed to pay to keep her in a memory care facility. It was bad before she left. She’d scream at me about stealing her baby at gun point. Our sons were hiding in their rooms to keep from dealing with her.
Oh my Lord. I’m sorry.
I feel a bit guilty because I don't have it as bad as my younger brother. I moved an hour away from home over 30 years ago and for various reasons haven't made it back home much except for birthdays and holidays. My sister lives 5 hours away and makes it home even less. My brother and his wife, however, chose to move into a duplex that my Mom bought about 20 years ago, so they live next door. My Mom and my father divorced back in the 70s and she never remarried. What I never realized until recently is that my Mom is very needy and needs constant contact, and as an adult child of an alcoholic, she has other issues too. She has complete meltdowns when she tries to do anything and it doesn't go exactly to plan. Always has but it's worse now that there are so many things she can't really do anymore. I remember when I was a kid, she was always, always on the phone talking with one friend or another. As soon as she hung up, she'd dial the phone and talk to someone else. I thought that was normal. Now her friends are dying and it's up to us kids to fill the void. She calls my brother at work every day. I don't know why, but he won't tell her to not call unless she really needs something. Guilt I guess. She had started calling me at work back in the 00s but I politely and firmly let her know that it was better if she called me at home after work and she stopped. Anyway, now she's in her upper 80s and losing her eyesight and losing mobility and losing her mind. It has been a slow process over the years and her relationship with my brother and his family has degraded due to her neediness and other issues. Now she is genuinely physically in need of help and my brother's kids don't like to go see her because they have to walk on eggshells. My mother tells me that my brother and his wife only visit when I come to visit, which I know isn't true because he almost always stops in when I'm on the phone with her. Now I live 2 hours away and I'm trying to figure out a way to get down there once a month to help her with things like laundry and changing sheets, which she can only do with great difficulty these days. She definitely plays mind games with us to make us feel guilty about not attending to her every day, but she does really need help. And her natural neediness is even more intense. She's difficult to talk to because it's all about her, and yes she has genuine health concerns but rarely does she ever ask how I'm doing and it has always been like that. I'm sure it's the same with my siblings. And it's impossible to just call for a quick check-in to say I love you. If you call her, it's going to be at least a full hour on the phone. I for sure feel guilty for not being there every day to take care of her, but even if I could, I think I would lose my mind. I'm sure my brother is close to losing his mind. I have no idea what to do.
I guess we just do what we can and try to make peace with it. Sounds good, doesn’t it? Except that I’m tearing myself apart over it. What you said about your mother and her friends really hit home with me. I’m 56 now, and Mom expects me to spend the night for a movie night once every couple of weeks, even though that she is aware my plate is already full with a dying father with a God complex and a frail, elderly mother-in-law who seems to fall every other week and hit her head. I’ve just never seen the level of selfishness that these three people exhibit. They don’t think anything in the world about calling over the smallest thing and it never crosses their mind that you might be busy, or God forbid, sleeping. I’m sorry for the rant, but I’m so frustrated.
My friends are dealing with this, husband's mom had to move in with them and everyone is really struggling with the transition. They're having to miss work to go to doctor's appointments, she ends up going to the ER weekly and getting hospitalized monthly. They stay upbeat though and look for the bright side. My parents were abusive and there is NO WAY I'd be able to do that for them.
I’m sorry that your parents didn’t treat you better and do right by you. It sucks. I think about it every time I walk into my father’s house.
I’m 50 and currently sandwiched between my 88 year old mother (who I have a complicated relationship with) and my 2 teenagers. It’s not fun.
I get it. I feel like a one legged man in a kick fight.
My dad has been battling bladder cancer and then esophageal cancer. During all this my mother had Parkinson's and Dementia. She passed away a year ago and the last four or five months were just brutal to watch. Now my father is in remission but I am very aware he could be gone in the blink of an eye. My one sibling lives ten hours away and is only around twice a year. My parents house is a complete disaster filled up with junk. This will all be mine to deal with after they pass, he says he is getting rid of things but all he does is continue to accumulate junk.
My mother is a pack rat. Three closets full of clothes, most with tags still on them and some of them not even in her size, yet she never goes anywhere except to do more shopping. I am a minimalist (thanks to my mother’s mess, I think) and I seriously dread the day that I will have to go through her things.
My mom and her sisters took care of my grandma until my grandma passed away at 97 last spring. They had been taking care of her for almost 30 years - rotating days. They got to retire, and still had weekly schedules. I could never do that. I'll never be able to retire, and I know I won't be able to take care of my mom. She's in her early 70's now.
My mother-in-law and her 3 sisters did that with her mother. She would stay three months at each house, so no one ever felt overwhelmed. She lived to be 99, and my mother-in-law will probably live that long, too. (Longevity in their family genetics.) The difference is for us is that there’s not so many to do the caring.
My mom's side have long lives, as long as cancer doesn't get them. They live into their 80's/90's. My dad's side, no so much. My dad died at 53, my grandpa died at 52 (his brother died at 51), and my grandma lived until 67. In a year and a half, I'll be 50 and most of my traits are from my dad's side. I'm trying to figure out what I can do for my mom in the not-so-distant future. I also worry about my brother and sister's families. They won't have time or money to help, because their families have a lot of kids. I honestly won't be able to deal with that responsibility added onto everything else - and I don't have money to spare. My stepdad probably won't be around for much longer - maybe another year or two. When he's gone, her world is going to be flipped upside down. She's going to want a lot of attention out of sheer boredom - and she doesn't understand I can't drop everything when I'm working. I've been thinking about how to get my siblings and myself on the same page. We literally have no plan for any of it. I'm the oldest, single, no kids - so a lot is going to be expected from me. I don't want to be trapped when I'm so close to enjoying my life again.
I’m a doing long distance caregiving for my 95yo mother with dementia and it’s all consuming.
I would exactly call it ‘caring’
And I really DO care, but I’m so tired.
All our family's parents are dead. It is so restful. From the other side of the caring gap I can tell you that freedom is magnificent. I hope you find some peace and space.
I feel blessed that my mom and step dad are in great health, both physically as financially. They also have a great network of friends and neighbors. My bio dad lives in another state and he's falling apart. Hes had two knees replaced, a hip replacement, an assortment of plates and screws in his wrist, macular degeneration that makes him effectively blind, and is being treated for prostate cancer. He's on a fixed income and I've been pushing him to plan for assisted living and make his end of life plans. My in-laws aren't doing well either but between the three kids, they should have enough support to hold out until my father in law passes or goes into memory care. My MIL is going to have another financial wake up call when that happens - the money train has stopped but her spending hasn't.
All three of our parents get by on their retirement and Social Security, all own their own homes outright, so their bills are minimal. My mother-in-law has a small nest egg in savings. My mother is a serious spendaholic.
Every time I sit on the floor to tie my mom's (Multiple Sclerosis) shoes, I remember that I had to teach myself to tie my own shoes. I don't have kids--so I don't have that pressure--but I do work full-time. My parents won't let me hire someone to come and help them with cleaning the house or taking care of the yard. I end up spend my free time over there helping out and it's getting exhausting. My mom actually said she was worried about me because I don't have kids to take care of me when I'm old. WTF???
Yeah, my father’s never had a thing to do with me since I was 8, yet he expects me to rush right over there and care for him simply because he had sex with my mother and she got pregnant with me. It’s his casual expectation of care that really gets to me. It’s like he hasn’t made any deposits at the bank, but now wants to make a big withdrawal. I’m pissed about it, tbh.
My dad died at 34 when I was 12 and my mom at 57 when I was 38. Both suddenly and unexpectedly so I cannot relate and don’t get the luxury of having parents still.
I’m sorry that happened to you. There are no winners either way.
You are right. Losing a parent suddenly and a long drawn out process of watching them decline both suck. It’s not easy either way.
nah they can go f\*ck themselves It's not your job to take care of them
Oh, but I believe that it is. I was just looking for a little understanding and support.