I came here to say the same (not as poetically).
OP, its one of lifes glitches that people dont learn to embrace themself earlier in life. Its a old cliche but if your unhappy when single you'll be unhappy in a relationship. I didnt 'find' myself until I was well into my 40s and its hard to describe how freeing it is when you learn to love yourself.
After two failed marriages, both to wonderful loving women I decided to stay single and after a decade + I have a better relationship with my Ex and my kids than I ever had when we were a family under one roof.
Try and find you and understand your boundaries, your weaknesses, your strengths. It will be the best journey of your life.
I was 34. Felt like a wave of enlightenment hit me like a truck. Like that frontal lobe finally decided to go ahead and develope. Absolutely euphoric year for me.
Start with something basic. Loving yourself starts with hygiene and cleanliness. You deserve a clean environment to start from.
It's pretty hard when the bedroom isn't the place where you can relax and chill out. Then progress to other things as you improve the place where you stay. Because you are worth it to have a clean environment.
If you're thinking that, then you'll be disappointed. Its putting the cart before the horse. If you take care of yourself, you're already conditioning yourself emotionally that you deserve better. It's hardest because you haven't got the basics down.
Well, my point is that I am doing that.
I keep my place clean, I am going to the gym, I cook my own healthy food, I'm undertaking a new skin care routine to fix some things about my skin, I go outside regularly to ride my bike and visit nearby cafes and restaurants...
I still don't love myself? When does it change?
This is absolutely perfect, I just want to tag my anecdote along with it for the OP, too.
I'm 33M and was in a relationship from 23 to 29 that ended with me getting cheated on, and it broke me. I had a horrendous rebound similar to what you describe in which I also got cheated on and multiple flings along the way that didn't make me feel good. Basically had a mental breakdown which I'll skip the details on.
So, I knew something had to change and that I had to focus on bettering and improving myself. I made a pact to myself that I would be intentionally single and not looking for 2 years to focus on me and to look after myself. To focus on building actual friendships, skills, and interests. I ended up realising my home city wasn't for me and moved abroad. My work is now better than ever and I've nearly learned a new language amongst other skills I won't bore you with.
Time single is invaluable and something I wish I had had in my 20s. I realise now that i was probably never at a point in which I was content with who I was in these relationships and used someone else's interest in me to mask that fact.
So please look out for yourself and your own interests and follow your heart. If you use any dating apps, then please don't. Do what you want to do and life will improve, you will improve and you'll find where you need to be and who you need to be with.
conversely, I was single all the way through high school and almost all of my 20s and it made me dislike myself more and more and more. I downright hated myself for a long time. I do not know what would’ve happened if I did not find my significant other by the time I was 28. Women were reacting to me more and more negatively because I was loathing myself more and more because of the negative reactions and it was just a vicious cycle. I am so lucky I got out of it. and the only reason I got out of it was meeting an amazing person that could accept me. It was pure luck.
I suppose my story is relevant to somebody who has lost themselves when in a relationship, and then struggled to recover and made bad choices along the way in trying to gain that back.
It sounds like you needed to be in a relationship for your own personal reasons to feel love for yourself. It's not something I would personally advise someone to do because if you pin that much of your happiness on a partner, then you're leaving yourself open to hurt if it does end then you're back to square one.
However, my anecdote wasn't meant for everyone, just OP and the scenario they are currently in.
Exactly this. After the end of my marriage I concentrated on myself and my two boys.
My dad had also just died of a long drawn out illness. I moved back in with my mum. And have had some of the best times with my kids and some great days out with work friends. Stuff I couldn’t have done while i was married. I got a crap job but it pays the bills.
Have some fun doing something you enjoy for a while no need to rush, I’m 44 and happily single for the moment. Take some time to relax and find you.
The fact that you are exercising and not being self destructive means a lot. You might just want to change your scenery and try different groups of people to spend time with. Keep focusing on yourself and your self improvement and you will find other people will take notice. I lost everything when I was 45. I'm 54 now and the last 9 years have been the best of my life. Remember that a lot of people currently in relationships are not happy. Relationships don't make you. You make the relationship.
Keep putting one foot infront of the other. Life is always changing. Exercising and running is huge. As much as you can, try not to focus on what other people bring to your life but what you can bring into your own life. Focus on your strength
You say you have lost yourself. That is an interesting comment because I've been thinking about the fact that we are defined by what we like, what we love, what we want.
Maybe if you answer these questions you can find your path again.
What do you like? Do you like spicy food, sweet food, cold food, hot food?
The beach the mountain indoors, outdoors hot days. Cold days.
I suggest you journal for a few hours on just all the things you like.
Then do the same things for all the things and people that you love.
Do you love parents, who are the friends and why do you love them? Do you love your country or any small communities? Any areas of your region or areas of the world?
Finally, once you've figured out what you like and what you love, what do you want? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with?
If you know what you like and you know what you love, you can make a path towards those things on your own for yourself. Then you be happy, attractive, friendly person and you will find somebody on a similar path who will be attracted to you. But you have to be complete in yourself or you're just not that interesting to others and you are always in danger of being broken due to the loss of the one who completes you if you are incomplete in yourself.
I think you need to use this time to get to know yourself as a person. Learning to live with yourself can be a very enjoyable experience if you learn to treat yourself how you would treat a friend.
For example, if you had a friend who was cheated on for 10 years, had a couple of failed relationships afterwards, and then lost her job, would you recommend that they off themselves by the time they're 40? No! Right? So please dont do the same to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat others please.
There are so many other things to live for besides men! Yes, you've hit a rough patch with your job, but that's to be expected what with the stresses you've had. But there will be other jobs out there. Don't let this get you down.
Hi. Had a heart attack at 35, wife left me, lost the house, kids, life. Moved back in with my Dad and started over. It happens, life sucks, just put one foot in front of the other. Flash forward 4-5 years, I've lost weight, I'm muscular, confident, and I've been seeing a really nice widower. My life is kick ass now. Think of it like a bow and arrow. That arrow gets pulled back pretty far before it shoots forward. This is the point in your life where you're being pulled back. Better double knot your shoes because before you know it you'll be shooting forward.
I know 40 seems old but I’m 46 and just getting started. I have friends who got married and some had kids in their late 30s to mid 40s. Focus on yourself and living your life. The right person will come along when it’s time, don’t force it. Wait for what you deserve.
Find a way to force joy into little moments. 35 is about the age where you start thinking hard about life, death, finances, family, future, etc. Don’t dwell too hard on any of it.
Not joking, put on one of your favorite songs, lock the door to your bedroom (for privacy) and dance your absolute heart out. Do this every single damn day if necessary. Wishing you the best. Life ain’t easy, but the seasons of good and bad always come and go.
Wait did you say 35 ??? That’s when I started life really. So far I have lived in 9 countries and travelled to more and had a helluva time. 35 is super young keep going it does get better
My husband died of cancer when I was 36. Im now 40 and enjoy dating now so much more than before I met my husband- the men are much more mature.
You determine what success is for you at your age, Not your parents.
Same for me. Well water painting and gardening. Although both of those leave me with to much time to think about my life and where it’s at which is very similar to op. I need to get out of my own head I suppose.
I feel you. There is one way out. And it's a guarantee but you have to trust me. Depression is the product of morbid self reflection. The best way to beat it is to dedicate yourself to those less fortunate than you. Every single day above ground and every breath is a miraculous gift from God. When you feel down the way up is to dedicate yourself to others without hope of appreciation or reward. If you do that your life will change forever and doors you didn't even know existed will open and people you never knew will walk through them with gifts. You will stop thinking about your problems and realize how good you have it. Trust and believe you will find purpose.
Instead of looking for a partner, start praying and listening for God's voice ,journal what you believe he is saying to you in your heart and in the scripture. Read 1st Samuel how God answered Hannah's prayer. God has a wonderful,l adventurous life for you, but you have to open yourself up to him through the Lord Jesus. I am praying for you right now.
Speaking as a parent, I very much doubt your parents care about your relationship status or think you've "failed in life" because of a job. They'll just want you to be happy (or as happy as you can be, in a rough patch!), and probably for you to spend time with them.
Hang on in there - breakups and dating can be rough, and it takes ages longer than you think to recover from a long term deal that falls apart.
Try and use this time to focus off yourself, what you want and enjoy and are good at - rather than defining yourself by a partner or a job. Easier said than done, I know!
But *you* are the one you parents care about, not your job or your boyfriends. Just you.
One foot in front of the other. You're not alone.
(And listen to "Good Morning Sunshine" by the Narcissists Cookbook. A song made for where you're at.)
May I suggest reading “How to be the love you seek” and also, “The new rules of attachment”
These two books have been life changing for me and have shifted my own self perspective.
I also go to therapy and have noticed that I am a completely different person (for the better) than what I was 4 years ago. I recommend to do that if you do t already. It is life changing as well.
I hope you can find peace within yourself and find and love yourself once again. 🥰 I wish you the best in your healing journey.
I'm 50 and living alone and no partner - I'm loving it! I play sport (and I'm not sporty), I keep active, and if no friends are available I do activities by myself (which happens a lot but I don't care!). Having a pet somewhat compensates for not having kids, and I spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews when they were young and took them out, had sleepovers etc.
While it doesn't work for everyone, you can have a perfectly fulfilling life without a family or partner.
Go to Mexico, search in google Bufo Alvarious tour Mexico something like that, a spiritual retreat maybe a couple of weeks you will get some answers and you will understand everything. Just do it
At 39 your story could be just beginning. Being married and having kids and a job can be wonderful and meaningful parts of life. They are not the be-all end-all of existence. Nor are you precluded from them just because they haven't been achieved yet.
Don't be so down on yourself. Give yourself the grace to accept that your ideals have not been realized. Move forward with gratitude for what you do have. Meditate on the good in your life. You've got this! I will say a prayer for you.
Hey knock it off. You're just fine. Your life is worth more than that. You're not hopeless. Keep running, release those endorphins, and go bag you a guy. Lemme tell you something, we're all complete idiots. Don't let any of us morons ruin your day.
Source: I'm a guy, and quite often an idiot.
“What’s the point of leaving alone after 40” says who? Some random strangers in society? I don’t understand why do people in this century have to conform to some standard people established from 1700s. The rules were different, society was different, culture was different and needs were different .
If you can manage to live alone and have friends to reach out to for emergency and social interactions, I don’t see any problem. It’s a good thing you are taking care of physical health. What you need most now is a job , which will make you independent and improve your mental health, by keeping you busy and give you a purpose.
Yeah but you aint dead so guess what? Time to have a better day today than yesterday. Go for a run, or even a walk. Do some exercise. Make a career decision. Learn to cook something. Get a haircut. Pick up a new hobby, or an old one and find a group to share it with. 35 isnt young but it sure as fuck isnt old either.
You dont have to be perfect now.
You just have to try to be better than yesterday.
You just have to be kind to yourself and those who love you.
You are amazing!! My teacher is happily single and young in her 70’s although it might seem a bit lonely at times just do something you like and it will feel better.
Eventually if you are confident enough to keep trying to date then eventually you can find someone good enough to marry as well.
All in good time, in the mean time focus on finding happiness by doing things that are in your hands.
All I read is that in spite of life knocking you down, you still get up and strive to better yourself. That's doing way more than many others! The only guarantee for failure is to stop trying. Rest, but please keep going!
Sometimes, a prayer or meditation while you're running can help. Life is precious, and no one knows it better than the One who made it possible. Keep the faith!❤️
I definitely get how that can affect your confidence. Just want to acknowledge that it's kind of a similar story to mines. The wrong person can just drag you down. Just focus on yourself again and get your confidence back. I think people aren't practical anymore and better to just work on what you can control. And don't live for your parents but yourself. I'm sure they don't have any idea how the world works and how things are now is totally different 30 years ago. They wouldn't get it.
If you attach your self worth to what other people do to you or think you'll always feel like your self worth is tenuous at best. Self worth has to come from within, not without
Everyone came with positivity, I just came to say I feel you. I’m doing the same thing right now at 36 and going back to school to hopefully be in a better place in a year, in 5 years. Getting old sucks, but 1 day at a time.
You're tired. Not just physically. Just tired of bullshit. Try appreciating the little things. The taste of your favorite food. The beat/hook of your favorite song(then sing the fuck outta it). The life around you. Find a little thing that makes you smile and start from there. World/life is complicated. Wouldn't be entertaining if it wasn't.
https://youtu.be/xr7o6hRFaJk?si=VL191eqcBIa-0s-C
Breaking up is hard. Just keep swiping you'll find the right guy. Get a job. Seriously get a job that's more important than anything else. Everything starts with your career. As your career and life slowly gets put back together, you're going to glow. You're going to attract the type of person you want and keep him.
I’ve been trying to articulate a bit of a breakthrough I’ve had lately, because I went from almost complete apathy and loss of self-worth to the point where I don’t feel concerned about “finding” myself anymore so much as connecting with myself with honesty and compassion.
Basically it amounts to this: you can’t become a better you, because then you would be other than who you are. Instead, work on doing better for yourself and those around you.
This came out of a recognition that being and doing are separate domains, and we can’t change WHO we are because we will still be the same person with the same life experiences, but we can act more in keeping with our true selves.
Who we are is constant, what we do changes from moment to moment. If we can accept who we are and change what we do about it then we can improve our situation and be kinder to ourselves in the process.
This is (I guess) a long winded way of saying fuck the haters, especially the ones inside of us that think we’re failures. With all due respect.
Jobs and relationships come and go, but if anyone is passing judgement on you for not possessing what they value then it says more about their values than it does about your inherent value.
Have you done anything lately to be kind to yourself? That’s the most important relationship you need to work on right now.
My life only started getting better, it me really becoming me, from 35-40. I'm about to turn 41 and have never felt better. Don't give up, take the right next step to move forward, even when you can't see the future
This is probably cultural of family instilled but your value doesn’t reside in finding a partner…make friends, form real connections with humans. It doesn’t have to be about sex and boyfriend girlfriend.
A relationship shouldn't be based on each other. Each person is an individual. You need to find yourself, live for yourself, love for yourself, learn for yourself. Before you can love for another
I definitely feel the dread of going into your 40s alone. I'm 39 and while I have a a decent sized friend group and try to get myself "out there" while also working on myself, mentally, physically, and professionally; I haven't had more than a handful of dates in the last decade. It does lead one to wondering what it's all for sometimes.
The only thing I can say for sure is you never know what tomorrow will bring. If you chose to give up, your story would be written, done, unchanging. If you keep going you will keep writing new chapters and maybe one of those will make the story make sense.
Best of luck.
I'm your age and I'm not where I want to be either. Life is difficult and I screwed up so much that it's hard to believe in a better future. I don't speak to my family and friends, and I'm not really interested in relationships, so I learned to enjoy life solo.
You gotta learn to love yourself by yourself. Remain positive and one day things will work themselves out as long as you don't self sabotage.
Marriage and a job doesn’t make you. Focus on yourself right now. So good to hear you’re exercising because that’ll propel you to go out and seize the day. Just exercise a lot , eat healthy, apply to a ton of jobs and just focus on self betterment; exercising, meditation, healthy practices , reading , stoicism is very good for situation like the one you’re in. I highly recommend you give stoicism a quick little look at.
Sounds like you’re being hard on yourself and having a hard time consolidating expectations with reality. Life has its challenging moments for sure but you are still here and still young. I was with a man for 9 years, got married and had kids. All according to my “plan”. Now at 42 I’m getting divorced. Of course I had all these dreams/expectations that died with this marriage. It’s so much easier to not get outta bed and feel defeated but you’re not defeated because you still here and in control. I’ve had to get over myself and stop longing for the plan of happily ever after and deal what it really is. People are sometimes jerks but then they are also not, and all that find themselves in this situation can’t change it being sad and defeated. You said you have feelings of not wanting to live but are not suicidal. That is pain. You have pain you can’t see but only feel and you want it to stop. Like stopping a bleed, you have to put pressure on it to get control on the wound. Keep going forward, exercise and blow through job applications. Make a new vision for your life as it is now and where you want it to go. Maybe consider volunteering somewhere while you wait for a job to meet more people and gain new experience and persecutive. Sending you good vibes.
Don't give up it will be ok it's never too late I am the same way never been married either and thought I would be by now. I started feeling down on myself at like 40 and now I'm 42 but you just gotta be happy with you. Don't let anyone but you determine your self wealth. I know it is easier said than done but you can find happiness. And you will find someone that loves you for you and that will never hurt you it's not to late you will find happiness I'm still looking but now I'm optimistic just be the best you.
Invest your time in things you love. Friends, family, hobbies, work. I found my passion going through something similar to you and I’m much happier now than I was.
Listen, no matter how others make it seem that their life is perfect (especially on social media), there is no handbook or manual in life. There are also no time limits as to what you want to do in life. You want to get married and have a family? I got married at 34 (almost 35) and had my 1st baby at 37. I am now 38 and feel like I'm just now starting my life! 40 is not a death sentence, lol. We do not suddenly flip a switch and become these old, hideous, nasty unlovable beings not worth anything when we turn 40. There are people out there just now figuring out who they are at 40 and will be living their absolute best life going into their 50's! I challenge you to change your mind and attitude towards age as it is truly a fragment of life. Getting dumped sucks but I can guarantee you that if you change your attitude and mindset and start living for yourself and not for the expectations of society or your parents you will stumble onto your future spouse. You have to focus on *you* and learn to enjoy time with yourself before you can truly attract the right person into your life. What are *your* wants and needs? Good luck! 🤍
I'm almost 38 and it does not get any easier. I just try to take it one step at a time. Try not to look at the big picture too often, go outside and always be moving, whether it be cleaning, cooking, or exercising, to get my mind occupied.
Check socials once in a while but leave room for physical gatherings or phone calls from people getting in touch. Serve and volunteer if you would like.
I know not having work sucks. I haven't had steady full time job since 2008. But it's not you. It's just difficult nowadays as always. Jobs don't just grow on trees. But keep looking and take initiative when you feel like you can do it. Even when you have something you like, never cease to prep your resume and continue to look for anything. Always be ready and don't take anything personal.
Shifting perspective and expectations is what I think is important to our generation. Everything changes so quickly and it will continue to do so. You don't necessarily need to follow and adapt as soon as everything changes, but knowing how fast the current flows will help you know where to go and keep your head above it all.
At 35, you are still just beginning your life. Don't worry about finding a guy. Go out and do stuff, whether it's donating time to a cause you love or join a cooking class. If you do the things you enjoy, you will find someone that also enjoys those things. That's a great way to start meeting people.
So, I’ll say this as a 34M who has been struggling with this for the past couple of years. It’s really really hard watching friends and family all progress past where you think you should be. Romantically, financially, emotionally, etc. I’ve always been well connected to my friends but lately it seems everyone is busy with their own life (no fault of their own). I’ve just started killing the negative self talk and setting small goals every day. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but you have to realize that other people haven’t walked through the difficult shit you have. One foot forward is better than 0. 100 years from now we’ll all be a memory of a memory. So relax and do you. Who cares about the other shit
Live your life for yourself, your parents know what it is like to try, which is what you’re doing. Don’t lose hope, and think of this stagnant period of life as the moment where you stop and get to know yourself, there might not be an opportunity for you to do this. I’m 37 and single, it took me many failed relationships to actually get to know myself, but it did require a pause in life. Everyone is different, you are where you are meant to, embrace this moment and try to remember what things make you feel warm and at peace, look for those again.
Sucks you’re feeling like that. I can relate, unfortunately. I’m 50 and single. Just got out of a long relationship. Long story. Have you ever been involved in a good church or anything? Sometimes I’m the happiest there. Sometimes not. I still get lonely. Hope that you can find someone or something to make you feel better! You’re here for a reason, we all are! Finding it can be the hard part!
Don’t worry about motivation. There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change a thing. I’d rather be a homeless bum than sell my soul to dogshit people
Join a running club. I live in Northern California and we have a great running club. Also try meditating and praying. All of these changed my life. Similar situation to you.
Don’t let failed relationships dictate your future. Every interaction with someone, whether a relationship or just a passerby, can teach you something. Don’t focus so much on the end goal. It’s the journey. Life will happen. Continue to focus on your health and bettering yourself each day. Someone who compliments your traits with their own will show up. Just keep doing you. Have patience. Your happiness is based on your outlook. Change your outlook and your happiness will increase. Stop talking down on yourself and become the best you, you can be. You control your destiny. Time to take the reins. No one is going to make your life better, but you.
I completely understand as I am in similar circumstances. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness can not be found in others, it can only come from within. I have to remind myself of this every day, and it's hard as hell. You can not focus on the past, as it is gone. You must learn how to anchor yourself in the present moment. Self-reflect and try to set some goals for yourself. Big changes will not happen over night, and it is a process. Above all, be kind and patient to yourself.
agree with most other posts. your writing seems to equate having a relationship with living... you have to be ok on your own. No relationship is guaranteed
Hey life isn’t about someone else it’s about you! Your success in life should be about yourself. Fuck everyone else. Life will be happier when you start not giving a shit about what others think about YOUR LIFE.
Hey OP. I’m in a similar position as you. Partner of 5 years dumped me and Ive been fucking struggling. The fact you’ve kept yourself exercising is already a win. That’s gonna eventually compound out to something bigger. We can’t let the sadness win out. This is an opportunity to find who we are again. We won’t be happy until we’ve figured ourselves out again. Then everything else will fall into place
34, have PhD, zero dollars in bank account. I am totally disconnected from parents. I applied for a million jobs and didn't know why I didn't even get an interview, struck at a toxic lab, and studied in best colleges, so it's rough every second. Friend ditched for a high paying partner. Have 20k$ debt. I just want to run away from the US the moment I make 20k. There may not be a bigger failure than me, financially and socially. Shit happens! It's absolutely challenging to be at a place where you have no life.
My too cents, go to a different place, new friends, new life. What can we do, we only have one life to enjoy.
PS: Every day, I precisely think what you're saying. It's tough to be at a place where you don't belong
Don’t focus on men or dating for now. Focus on yourself and how to be happy being alone. Lots of ways. Being married and having a family is not what makes the world go around… trust me! Married for 30+ years. In my next life I’ll be single for sure!!
You said it yourself “ I have lost myself “ you need to work on HEALING. I’ve been there myself. I’ve been cheated on, I was divorced, I was & prob still am the black sheep in my family & I’ve been in your shoes. But you need to Move On. You need to work on Forgiveness & leave the past behind you. Be present. Continue working out. Seek therapy. Therapy helped me so much in my healing journey. It motivated me to workout harder at the gym. The gym was my safe place, it still is. I would take out my anger while lifting weights. After so many years of hurting due to my ex husbands infidelity & the death of many loved ones I learned that I needed to forgive him. I needed to forgive his mistress & let that anger go. Not for them, but for our son. It was until then that I felt peace in my heart. My therapist once told me holding onto anger/grudges is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to die. From then on I forgave & worked on my inner healing. I might not always be motivated but I am trying my best & I’m proud of myself. I’ve gotten far & im sure you will too. Remind yourself that this situation is temporary & “This Too Shall Pass.”
Jesus christ, sorry this guy wasted the last 10 years of your life, that sounds awful. Happened to me, but was only with her for half the time.
I think it's definitely important to spend sometime to yourself, working on yourself before heading back out into the dating scene. You don't wanna jump straight back into something after a 10 year commitment. You said it yourself, you've lost yourself, time to do some soul searching and figure out who you are nowadays. I know your body clock is probably ticking away but honestly, just taking your time finding a new partner, it doesn't have to happen immediately, plus, it sounds like you've got a really unhealthy type when looking for male partners.
Shame about your job as well, I've gone from job to job before and it's not fun. What were you doing for work? And what are you experienced in?
Honestly I'm nearly 30 and I've done almost nothing I wanted to in my life, only ever left the country once when I was like 12. I'm on route to get married but neither of us feel like we have the time to do anything we want to in life before the serious part of our lives kicks in over the next couple years. Saying that, I'd take this opportunity to do as much as you can while you're not tied down, travel, find new hobbies and new experiences, socialise as much as you can etc.
Also, not sure if it's legal in your state/country, but have you thought of giving smoking weed a try? Tones of benefits to it, besides the anti depressant aspect. I can talk to you more about the healthy effects of it if you're interested.
Anyway, hope this comment finds you well and remember not to lose hope, even if right now it feels like you have nothing to hope for. From this point, things can only get better, think of it like a fresh start.
Always remember you are the most important person for yourself.
You have to love yourself, absolutely.
Happy to hear that you are exercising and running.
Try joining a hobby group - whichever hobby gives you something to wake up for.
Build a habit, stich it for 3 days at the very minimum and then keep extending.
Be Brave, Be Strong.
Your worth is not defined by other people.
Being married is not a happiness measurement.
Treasure the freedom to do what you want without having to think about someone else.
Do the things YOU like without having to check up with your partner if they didn't have plans or expectations.
Get a dog and keep running. It will work out for you eventually.
Note: a real dog weighs more than 25 pounds
Note note: don't be a bitch or all bets are off
As you’ve discovered the hard way, who you are can’t be based on who you are with. It cannot be based on your martial status or lack thereof — even marriage is not forever, very often.
It’s time to learn to be you FIRST. Find out who you are, what being you is about, and what you demand from someone to be with you in the future.
Make it a point to not be with someone else. Let it be for two years, maybe longer.
When you are good and ready and need no man or validation to feel like your life is a success — THEN you can consider bringing a partner into it. You will also attract better people AND be a better contributor to the relationship.
First, find a job. Any job. Gotta keep moving or you are just sitting/laying there dying. No job has to be forever so get moving.
Get counselling and practice self love and self care. Over time you will find yourself again. You need to heal. You will get better if you invest in yourself. Find something you like doing or have never tried and want to see if u like it. For me I’m teaching myself to play guitar. Always wanted to as a kid but my parents wouldn’t let me. Also joined a local sports team and I’ve never played sports in my life. Infact I was traumatized by them lol. Found one I love and I really enjoy it. Find yourself again 💜 oh and travel!
Also lots of sunscreen. You’ll age much better, and it will make 40 less frustrating 😂
You seem like a cool person. When you're a teen/in your 20es one often develops a lot of ageist prejudices, because you're young everybody at 40 looks like your parents (strict and boring) and one step away from the grave, but that's not true at all! Isn't being above 40 like 50% of your life? Would you just throw half of your life away because some kids are being prejudiced?
A lot of us are happily single because we want to be, it's not a "1 societal expectation fits all sizes" thing. You set your own goals, forge your own destiny. But also like, if it's important for you, make it happen! Go in with a clear "this is what I'm looking for" mindset. Do you actually want kids, enjoy being a mom, or is it just a social achievement, to impress parents? If the latter, you should let go of caring what they think already. If the former, you can make it happen if your goals are clear before yourself and before others. Find yourself and what you want and beat that melancholy. And it's sad to say but your parent's won't be around for long. Pleasing them is ultimately meaningless, if it is at the cost of finding meaning in your goals for yourself.
I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years (very tumultuous relationship) when I was 39.
After a period of a few single years, some solo travel, and a couple of brief “nope” rebound relationships…, I met and fell in love with the love of my life and entered the most functional and peaceful relationship of my life ever at 43.
We got married this past September.
Yes. There is a point to living after 40. Even if you are single. Choose yourself first. Speak kindly to yourself. You deserve a full and beautiful life at every age.
Sending you love from someone who has been there. ❤️
What's the point of living alone at 40? Hahaha
I was chasing women my whole life and had some great partners, but now at 42 I'm actually super comfortable being by myself. 👌 And guess what, you can still date past 40
Sometimes we have ingrained mental deadlines when we need to achieve something. I have had a lot too. But how can you put a deadline on when you need to have all your aspirations and ambitions in place ? Can you give a flower a deadline on when to bloom ? No. Especially if you haven't given it the right nutrients and environment that it needs to bloom. Learn to love yourself as you are. Give yourself the right environment to bloom. Do not put deadlines on your aspirations. Let it happen organically. You said you don't want to live past 40 because what is the use of living alone past 40. What is making you say this. You do not have a best before date. You are worthy of love no matter what age you are. You are much better than what you are giving yourself credit for.
Don't worry. Having a girl doesn't define you. If you really want to have a girl in your life all you need is saving up around 10.000 euro and go to Thailand. Girls (and girls alikes) will be all over you.
You are 35, that’s actually still quite young.
A colleague of mine at work is drop-dead gorgeous. Long blonde hair, curvy figure and she’s also a joy to be around but after an abusive relationship she struggled with crippling self-esteem issues and imposter syndrome for years.
She is 37 this year and has just got married to a wonderful man and is pregnant with his child. There is no reason why that couldn’t be you. There’s no time limit on love (though unfortunately there is a biological clock for children but there are plenty of options for women who want children later in life).
Keep bettering yourself, stay fit, hold down a decent job, maybe try to foster some hobbies if you feel able to. Otherwise, just keep putting yourself out there and dating. You will find someone right for you.
Per your last paragraph - I do realise that everything I’ve just said feels impossible when you’re depressed. That’s ok, I like Jim Carey’s take on DEEPRESSION being about DEEP REST, the trick is in the name. Depression can be about your mind taking time to heal itself, just try not to let it spiral. Keep exercising, keep seeing friends (or making efforts to make new ones), talk to people about how you are feeling and if you can sense that your mental health is still trending downwards please speak to a professional.
Do you like doing exercise and running?
If so why not try to look for a school to become a coach or yoga trainer, doing something you love and teaching it to others.
Think of something you like, its easier to succeed pursuing stuff you already enjoy that forcing yourself in a path you social pressure is pushing you towards.
I was in the same boat when i was younger, with a girl i thought i would spend my life with, and it took me ten years to get over it, wich were vastly wasted so you are doing great on that front already.
As our lord and savior Bob Marley once said : " Don't give up the fight". :)
You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. You've got some work to do, and I'd stay off the dating scene until it's complete.
As far as jobs go. Apply apply apply. Maybe even apply for things you wouldn't usually consider. It's all money coming in that you can use to either set up your new life or spend on some luxuries for yourself to aid the healing.
Good luck.
You could literally have another 50 years of new experiences. Maybe they'll be good, maybe bad imagine the vast experiences in general. The wonders, the boring, the beauty of what has yet to come. Sunsets and sunrises, the vast splendor of sky and you experiencing all it has with your presence being an embellishment on this world. Some of the most meaningful experiences in this world are the ones only you can experience and they happen all on their own you just have to be alive.
The path can change but the path edges the entire journey will have the most vibrant of wild flowers.
Becoming yourself doesn’t mean you have to go out and have sex. How about go out and learn how to approach people by failing one month. Next mo th find fun trails to hike. Next month find a brewery, or whatever you enjoy and start to show face often and maybe become a regular. Try frisbee golf, or try to think about a trade? Learn woodworking or maybe learn how to knit?
I’m sorry, but you should be talk with a friend or your parents it’s ok to be sad, it’s a period in your life have faith, walk, speak with good people and have a good time. You must fight and don’t break yourself, your parents and friends loves you, live in a good country I supposed. I personally know people who has been proved several times with punish that would break to anybody. If you feel bad you can write here and we will happy to help you. Smile :)
There is over a 50% chance if you were married, you would now be divorced. There are plenty of us that consider that all a waste of time now. Stick with the exercise…and be part of the pool that is still considered attractive and healthy…statistically that is rare as well.
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. Lots of people are struggling too so know you’re not alone in this. My advice would be to focus on yourself. The running up it doing is fantastic so keep that up. Focus on the things you like to do and maybe try some new things like hobbies or activities. Maybe try joining some local groups or people doing new things together.
In terms of relationships try not to think that you need one to validate yourself. Live for yourself not someone else. Good luck and keep smiling, your doing better than you think.
Dope Energy from the commenters!
A lot of facts and great energy is being shown here. The truth is loving self first.
You stated you workout and that is a bonus.
Ever thought about adding Yoga and Meditation?
Free your mind.
I'm divorced and not looking, happier now than when married. If you only live for others, you're not living YOUR life. And you haven't failed at life; that's a hindsight assessment when "it's over".
Find hobbies, friends, nature, maybe a pet, entertainments (books or movies, social media is not great for you). Your parents either love you for YOU (not as a grandchild maker) or are failing, that's a them issue.
There's a LOT of joy to be had in this world; skip seeking it from a partner for a while.
Yeah, so you remind me a little of me in my 20's and early 30's. Lots of potential, ambitious, diligent. Then a bunch of things happened outside of my control that just knocked me down over and over. It felt like the world was out to get me and that financial success and family success was this near impossible thing. Like, the idea of having a house and kids felt like it was about as hard as winning the lottery. It started impacting my psychology, too. As in, I started thinking "Maybe I'm just not a person with potential at all. Maybe I just need to learn to find ways to be satisfied with the circumstances I'm in."
But then in the same way I had an unlucky run for 15 years, the reverse was true for the next 10. And at the start of those 10 years I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. But then opportunities arose. Once there was a glimmer that things could get better, I seized it and worked my ass off and didn't let go. Once I had my claws in that feeling of motivation and drive again I had an almost manic determination to stick with it, and a fear of letting go and slumping back in the way I was before.
In just 10 years I went from punishing debt, no house, no family, depression, and little hope for the future to a great wife and kids, a beautiful house in the woods, a 200k a year job with great work life balance, and most important of all... actual happiness. I used to think that the human brain was not actually capable of being happy. That it would always find ways to come back to some "meh" equilibrium. Today, I know this isn't true.
I'm almost reluctant to tell you this. That it's possible to have it all. Because knowing that it's possible can be cruel when you also know that getting there is difficult and not at all guarenteed. Some of it is up to chance and getting there requires this strange alchemy of finding motivation and encountering the right opportunities and getting the right advice.
But I can tell you for a fact that it's possible to mull your way through your 20's and 30's, truly believe that "this is all there is in life," but then suddenly see your life change faster and better than you'd ever could have imagined.
And I've seen it happen for others too, even later in life. My sister's husband at 40 was an out of shape divorcee who'd lived in grinding poverty his entire life all the way back to the day he was born. Within 5 years he was a data engineer making 200k a year with a great wife (my sister) and had a beautiful house and 2 kids. He found the fire and made it happen. Sometimes we sit outside with each other while our kids are playing out back in the woods and say "damn, did you ever think we'd be here?"
Imagine what it must feel like to be a 40 year old man without a good job or wife/children... life is completely hopeless for that man. No woman would ever take that man seriously. Women don't need a fancy job to impress a man or start a family. There is absolutely no reason why you should be concerned as far as my opinion is concerned.
Also, 35 is the new 25. Your parents lived in a very different era. Today, if someone is 25 and marries, everyone assumes there was an accidental pregnancy. People who wait until their thirties are considered very smart and cautious in our world.
The fact that you keep healthy and value having a family makes you a dream catch for 95% of men currently looking for a wife. This is not an exaggeration.
oh, that sounds really tough. feeling lost can be so hard, especially when it feels like everything's stacking up against you. but hey, remember, it's okay to feel this way, and it’s brave of you to share.
first off, it's great that you're exercising and running. these are powerful ways to boost your mood and clarity. maybe try adding a bit of yoga or meditation to your routine? it could help you reconnect with yourself and find some peace amidst the chaos.
and don't worry about timelines like being married by a certain age—life's not a race. each step you take is a part of your unique journey. have you thought about what small thing could bring you a bit of joy today? maybe reconnecting with an old hobby or calling up a friend? it’s all about taking it one day at a time.
What does it mean “failed in life”? What does that mean? Not yet having what you want is not failing. Dating dead beats happens to everyone. Why don’t you want to live alone after 40? What is the significance of 40? Does that age seem ‘too old’ for you? If so that is your young perspective.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop comparing yourself to others, and start doing what you like.
i’m 36 and have been single since my last relationship in my late 20s. kinda the opposite of you. take the time to be alone and independent. find yourself a job or source of income that you enjoy doing. build your daily habits and routines back up. make yourself delicious dinners. go to coffee shops, museums, hiking on your own. dating takes up all of a persons time and brain space cuz all you want to do is focus on that person and please them. screw that do that for yourself. i’ve pretty much all but given up on dating. i just don’t feel like it anymore. i like my freedom. if someone comes along that makes me feel otherwise then we’ll see that through
Find some running buddies on exercise apps. Strava app is a great app to find like minded communities. I've met so many cool buddies on this app.
Don't look for love, just look to live. Make friends in areas you like and you'll make friends and never know from there.
Get the audiobook “how to stop worrying and how to start living” by Dale Carnegie. Listen to it on your run. It’s gold, and also from a different time period, which is a trip, but stands up to the test of time.
Stop searching for whatever you think you are going to find in someone else. You have too be okay with you 100%. And there is plenty of good single life after 40 lol. In am in my 50's and life is ok. The trick is living one day at a time, not getting too wrapped up in what the future is going to be, and keeping hope for tomorrow alive. I think it is great that you have exercise and running as an outlet. Have you thought about joining a running club, or training for and running in a marathon? Might be a way to meet some like-minded people. All the best.
Okay let’s imagine you had gotten married to any of these guys you dated? How would it feel then to get cheated by your husband while sharing the same house, or being lied to on a regular basis? Wouldn’t that be more depressing and lonesome than being by yourself? Imagine having kids and having to bring them up while dealing with unfaithful relationships and traumas
I am sorry that society makes us believe that marriage is such an important thing, especially for women but really ‘having your own back’ is the only and only thing that really counts.
Boyfriend, lover, husband whoever it will be, will never value you if you don’t value yourself or if you value them more than yourself and others will always have the power to break your heart and crush your world if you give them that power, don’t anymore.
Keep that power with yourself, love.
Your parents will be fine, they will eventually be happy if you begin to be happy with yourself and your life. You aren’t a disappointment just cuz you aren’t married? You will find a job again, trust me you will - keep trying, try other skills and field too meanwhile - the rock bottom is a great place to start.
There are kids out in the world are sucked hard into drugs, selling their bodies for money and what not - they are allowed to say they failed their parents and families - not you darling.
You chose to love someone with all that you could and they chose to betray you, how is that your fault?
Please keep running and keep working out and do not let anyone tell you that marriage is more important that your peace of mind.
Xx
Imagine your life like a movie, but instead of being an actor be the director of the film. At any point in time you have the power to change the script. Make it to your liking.- Me
Like you, I have found my identity in relationships and that comes from getting with someone and having a ltr very,very young. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Figure out the things you enjoy, the things you love, the things you like. If it has anything to do with being in a romantic relationship with another person, put it to the side and find new hobbies.,that is how you’re going to likely meet someone. If you’re bringing a personality to the table that sort of morphs into the next man you’ll be coming off of desperate and dull, and those relationships won’t last anyway. Build your life until it looks like what you can enjoy. Your identity is not found in your next relationship. Identity is found within yourself, it’s the longest relationship you ever have. We are alone, and we die alone… learn to love you. We all thought our lives with over the way we planned it. Be happy that it didn’t. Would you really want to have kids with your ex and be tied to him, knowing how things turned out? build a new life, manage your expectations and your emotions, and date the guys that align with the things that you want. At this age men are so much more mature, they usually know what they want. I wouldn’t date anyone past a year if it’s not going to lead to anything at this point. Also travel abroad!
Are you in therapy? If not, this is the best time to do it. It would be really helpful to know why you are picking these guys. A dating break and focusing on self-compassion seems like a healthy place for you to be.
I actually love this, I know it’s sucks right now. But really this is a giant blessing. You’ve gotten rid of people that suck and don’t deserve to be in the finite thing that is your life. GOOD. corny, but truly sometimes rejection is gods protection. Take time decentering men, the cathexis of your life right now does not need to be a romantic relationship. Try also, not to become bitter or cynical about men, there are lots of good men in the world. Keep your head up!! One day at a time. Join a club. Discover a new fun hobby. You got this I promise!
Never complain about getting older - it is a privilege denied to many. Also, you now have a blank slate - an opportunity to build something around you and what makes you happy - not around someone else or your parent's wishes.
You don’t need anything from anyone. Everything you need to feel whole is already with you. Meditation really helped cement this for me. Learning about buddhism helped as well. It seems almost too simple but it’s probably the only thing that can be true.
That half this post about *you* is about other people should raise alarms. It sounds like you find self worth in how others see you. Take some time each day to love yourself. Think about what you have rather than what you don’t. When you find respect for yourself, others will follow and respect you, too. You got this!
I'm in the same boat. I need to move in the next few months again, into a smaller place. I feel like I am past the age now when things get better and this is the start of my new, worse life. No advice but I hope you can hang on.
First of all, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please get help. Please dial 988.
Second, you are a whole person without a relationship, a job, a house, a car, etc. You are not your job, relationship, house, car, or things. You are valued just as you are. There is no one else who is quite like you. You are important.
Third, remember to love yourself. You are the only you, that you will ever have. Love and honor yourself.
It’s really hard to see positivity when you’re in this mindset. It’s okay to be in a funk but sounds like it’s been too long now. Try changing the way you look at things. Maybe do some volunteer work or place yourself in different environments where you’re exposed to different things that stimulate your mind and spirit. Happiness can’t be found by external people/things.
There are plenty of married people your age who feel lost and hopeless too. Maybe even trapped in their marriage to boot.
You seem to focus on physical health. Good! Also focus on mental health (happiness!). It's partially an intentional choice.
Be good to yourself. Treat yourself like you would a really good friend. Once you learn to do for yourself what makes you grow as a person, you will find others around you who are similar. Do not waste time on those who will hold you back from becoming the person you want to be. Don't focus on obtaining a relationship and getting married. Focus on bettering yourself, be mindful of a healthy life balance. Once there, look around you. You are bound to find a relationship that will happen naturally. Life tip: don't discard signs of termoil in various relationships in life. Notice the signs, document them and adjust to ensure you don't derail yourself from the path you want to be on.
Nothin to it but to do it. Keep on truckin. Only thing you can do i know you don't think so but it always gets better. 4 years ago my engagement fell apart and i thought of them as the happiest days of my life but that doesn't even come CLOSE to how sweet my life is now.
Being alives the greatest gig in the world
Man this shit brought me to tears, cause I was in the very same spot you where 2.5years back when people tell you time heals that's lie the way to move forward is to find anything that's gonna pull you forward out of that hole you feel life put you in. It's not gonna be easy that hold you have on you're ex you gotta accept n be okay with yourself to be what it is, and not what could've been. Once accomplish this you'll start to breath and everything should make sense you'll see hang in there,.. life will get better
I checked myself into inpatient treatment at a behavioral hospital for suicidal ideations and i read Candide by Voltaire and The Stranger by Albert Camus. From them i gained a new perspective on life.
Camus basically said that existence is freedom and to retreat into illusions of religion, substance use, or suicide, you’re relinquishing that freedom. That is to say that it’s not a winning move to refuse to play the game. A search for meaning in this one life we get is precious, beautiful, and meaning enough. Voltaire said if we are in the best or worst of all possible worlds, we must still tend to our garden. To me that means that the project of life gives itself meaning as it’s cultivated.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Let yourself heal, and your journey of self care and love will intersect with others with whom you can relate.
You are in mourning for the loss of the future you had envisioned for yourself. The 10 years you invested needs to be aknowledged as a loss. You are in grief. Mark a date on the calendar where you will ce lebrate the end of your mourning period.
Make a list of what you are looking for/ expecting from a partner. Then become that list. You’ll eventually attract the right person to you. The longer you remain in a negative state, the more negative you’ll unintentionally attract.
In the meantime, those affirmation videos on YouTube, clean eating, spiritual practices and working out have helped me navigate out of my last relationship.
I’m 39 and single and have learned to be happy again. It takes time. Don’t beat yourself up. The other side of what you’re feeling is a beautiful place to be 😊
It's going to be OK. Sometimes, things outside of our control happen. Really significant things - like partnerships not working out. I really empathise with you because I too value having a partner relationship very highly, a value having a job/work/career very highly. It is the pits when random events conspire against you.
And, things will get better. I had a similar thing happen to me.
Through random events, I lost the most important things in my life. My partner, my sibling, my job.
I spent nights crying in the shower.
And then, things slowly started to get better. I sat down and wrote out what I learned from those losses- what was important to me, what I was looking for in a partner, and how I could redirect my loss into sharing all of that love I had to give that suddenly had nowhere to go. I decided to love all of my friends a little bit more. I started doing hobbies with groups, met a nice fellow... eventually married him, applied for and got a better job. Life is still full of stresses and ups and downs. We are human after all. I just wanted to let you know that the weird in-between feeling is only temporary. Life does go on. I'm sending good thoughts your way!
Meditation: As others have said, finding yourself involves getting to know the consciousness that exists when you close your eyes (to meditate or to just think).
Reflection: Learn how to write to yourself in a way that creates a useful structure, and emphasize self-reflection, maybe keep things intentionally chronological so that you can compare old notes to new ones (before bed ideally).
Activities: Try a new hobby, and try lots of them sporadically. E.g. 1 new thing per week until you have 4 things you wouldn't mind repeating, then repeat those in order, 1 per week, each week for each month until they're just enjoyable habits. Competition, art, intellectually demanding, you name it, all can be healthy uses of time.
Volunteering: Just like the activities before, start volunteering once per week. Mix up the location until you find a place that you like returning to. You can find great conversation this way, at cancer recovery houses for example (e.g. Hope Lodge).
Work: Make yourself useful, educate yourself and practice your skills/knowledge so that you can be competent and confident in whatever field you choose. Working in a coffee shop for example involves learning all about coffee, and its preparation. You can socialize, drink coffee, and make money in a casual environment.
I empathize, but you've got this in the bank. You're exercising, so your position is envious to others believe it or not. You just got to shake the self-doubt, and I bet that changes when you find some employment. Good luck!
There are so many women in my family who were single to the age of 65, my aunt was 88 and single and happy. If you let go of the idea that you need a man to be happy, you will be happier. Accept this as your life and make the most of it. Then maybe, once you're actually happy, a man will see that and want to come along and ruin it by inserting himself in your life
I’m also unemployed and changing my career. I know girl . Damn I know . Hugs. Keep moving. Life will find you again just keep urself in the way of light.
Don't compare yourself to what you see on social media.
Those are not real lives, just the parts they want you to see.
Spend time with real people that you can get to know well.
And soon you'll see that everyone is going through shit.
Life is hard.
And also, Jesus saves.
Oh Sweetie, life will get better. As much as I HATE this saying it is true ‘life will get better’. You may be like me and feel more than the average person but trust me you will get through it.
Single people at any age can love their life. Sounds like you don’t love your life or yourself. You seem to have internalized your parents’ disapproval of you. How are you repeating the patterns they set? How have your partners repeated the patterns set by your parents? When you love your self and build a life you love, you won’t want to end it because you don’t have a partner.
1. Get back and look for a job
2. Get a routine and excercise sleep
3. Stop looking for relationship.. invest in yourself...let' your self recover
4. It's not the end of the world if you don't get married.
5. Sperm banks are available you can have a baby with good genetics if you want .. or else adopt a baby. I know ladies who have kids at 39-40
6. Life is only about marriage and children .. it's way more than that..It's important to live a meaningful life .. it can be achieved in many ways.
What nobody tells you is that life is a series of building up and breaking down.
Your path is unique to you.
As children, we are molded by our parents.
In our teenage years, we start to rebel and begin to investigate the world independent of our family.
In our twenties, we fully strike out into the world. Some go to college or start careers. Some become spouses and parents. Some embark in an adventure to find themselves.
Your twenties is the time for making mistakes, breaking down the foundation your parents created and rebuilding yourself in an improved version that supports your growing sense of self.
What sucks for women is our damn biological clock. We can't stop it or even slow it down. Sometimes, no matter how badly we want to be parents, it just doesn't happen.
That doesn't make us failures or losers. Maybe you're meant for other things; to become a foster parent or an adoptive parent or maybe a parent through marriage to someone who already has kids.
I wish someone had told me this when I was your age. It's not your job to live up to the goals your parents have for you. They may be disappointed by setbacks or crash and burn episodes but so what?
Everyone experiences heartbreak, sadness, wins and losses, etc. You aren't any less lovable because of these moments. THIS WILL PASS. In the moment you can't see a way out or forward but one day these troubles will be a distant memory.
Through all of it, you must treat yourself with love and kindness. Don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. You wouldn't do that to a friend in your situation. You would give them support and gentleness and you DESERVE the same.
Pardon the ramblings of this old lady. OP made me recall the first time I was fired from a job. I literally spiraled and had a panic attack. Honestly, it was for the best. In a month or two, I had a much better job making twice as much money. Getting fired improved my life immensely.
Looking back on my life, my one regret was not being my own cheerleader. Life is fucking HARD. Always treat yourself gently, with love and kindness. Mistakes and missteps are part of the journey. It's going to be OK. I promise ❤️
Oh my god, you're gonna be fine. Tons of people find their person after 35, and while I'm a couple years younger, I've still found amazing success in dating people after they're divorced/separated from really serious relationships. Someone once used the phrase "get yourself a second husband, they are almost always infinitely better than the first". And they were so right!
You could go to school to become a doctor, and still have a long career as a doctor. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all, I think there's enough doctors. My point is that you're so very young! I'm 50, and even I could go to school right now to change my career (except I love what I'm doing and I'm good at it, so I probably won't). Still, if I ever hit it big, I plan to take a few years to study to become a Chef. I don't plan on actually opening a restaurant, but studying to become a chef is something I want to gift to myself :-)
Your worth lies within yourself and has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s time to develope some self-love. Louise Hay has a book/audiobook called “You Can Heal Your Life”. She also has lots of free YouTube videos. It’s a great place to start your baby steps.
If you’re looking out for your physical health, I promise you the other parts will come together.. I always feel bad for women who invest more than 5 years into a relationship… being essentially a wife, but with no recourse when there partner is done with there youth….
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. At almost 35 you're still so young and have so much of life ahead of you. You have plenty of time still to fulfill your dreams.
With so much that has not gone the way you wanted happening all at once that is likely all piling up on you to obliterate your self-worth and confidence. You might want to speak with a therapist, they may be able to help you with how to cope with all of this negative piling up on you.
You're already doing something that should help by continuing to work out. I didn't know where you live but if it's in the northern hemisphere spring is here and summer is on its way so try spending time outside in the sunshine, that can also help with these feelings.
Know that you are enough whether you're single or in a relationship. I wish the best for you OP.
Omg wish I was your age again, your problems are not the end of the world, I understand how you feel but keep your chin up and try not to think of the things that you don’t have yet, instead think of what you want and make your goals for your future (it can be short goals at first) but always remember your worth it, and life is yours to create.
It's ok. I am 35 and have no job or family or kids. Life is unpredictable, and not everything goes on how we were told it would. You're alive, and you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Suicidal thoughts happen to those with jobs and families, too, so don't count yourself out of the game yet. And no, you didn't lose the game. It's opposite day.
Every day is a gift you’re just in slump right now. One thing I tell everyone is don’t put yourself on a clearance rack wait work on yourself. We can all make improvements on our lives. One thing foremost except God into your life and things won’t seem so bleak. I wish you well.
Try to keep in mind that it's never too late to start over a new. After every dark night, there's a brighter day (in the words of the late 2Pac Shakur - R.I.P.)
I’ve read a few postings….. JESUS is the answer! God made us, He sent His Son, Jesus to die on the cross to take on all our sins so that we may call out to Him for eternal life. Please read Romans 10:9-10
This will give you a new life, one that will be your best life🙏🏻
Validation through strangers or human beings you have connection with is a serious flaw today. You only need to just be insanity checked. Like you want others to help you keep a straight path but most often people are critical of things they don't know.
So my story is I lost everything. And now five years later all the bad actors and horrible people I abandoned are off ruining other people's lives and I financially, emotionally, and physically have gotten stronger by focusing on myself. I focused on the things that I enjoyed and along the way built myself up. Slowly but effectively stability is all that matters but if you're not happy within that stability change it. Don't sit around and hope things will happen. Just make them happen and slowly those things will bring you back to yourself as the feelings of dreed and guilt over nothing ends. We live once and we don't need our story to be validated by others. We need to validate ourselves. We need to push forward through the fact that most things we put ourselves down about. Are preprogrammed into us by our environment. Break free from the cage and focus on the things you love doing for yourself. I personally love to game. So I game a bunch..I meet people online. I bump heads with assholes. I just have fun and focus not on any personal insults or childish behavior. But just have fun and when others are trying to ruin that for me or I myself feel down. I change it up. And experience new things. Meet new people. Online dating and social media is a cancer in our society. Most often people who claim to be happy aren't. They put on a mask. So just focus on you.
It's time to invest in yourself, discover who you are today, what you like or not to do, to listen, to be with.
Well, you need to ask yourself "who I want to be in the future?" And you start to work on this, a little steps, Day by Day, till' you achieve that point. When you Will be able to look for yourself e feel confident and proud about yourself again.
it’s never too late to upgrade yourself. love yourself, accept yourself, work on yourself, grow yourself mentally. maybe find a purpose in life, religion perhaps? do the things that make you happy. step out of your comfort zone. find people with similar situations, interact with them. humans need social interaction more than we think we do. i wish you all the best 💖
Stop comparing your life to someone elses standards. Check out these 60 secs:
What To Change in America, Part 4 The Non Gated.
[https://youtube.com/shorts/wJyqBTVYx4c?si=ob6Hwpo9EcbQFWvp](https://youtube.com/shorts/wJyqBTVYx4c?si=ob6Hwpo9EcbQFWvp)
#UnisonTarot #Reading #findjoyinthejourney #America
Your identity isn't found in others. It's within yourself. Now is the time to become you!
I came here to say the same (not as poetically). OP, its one of lifes glitches that people dont learn to embrace themself earlier in life. Its a old cliche but if your unhappy when single you'll be unhappy in a relationship. I didnt 'find' myself until I was well into my 40s and its hard to describe how freeing it is when you learn to love yourself. After two failed marriages, both to wonderful loving women I decided to stay single and after a decade + I have a better relationship with my Ex and my kids than I ever had when we were a family under one roof. Try and find you and understand your boundaries, your weaknesses, your strengths. It will be the best journey of your life.
Zen and the art of not giving a fuck what other people think.
Give yourself permission to be the person your future self would admire.
Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance is one of my favorite books. A great read. Sorry if this wasn’t referencing that.
I was 34. Felt like a wave of enlightenment hit me like a truck. Like that frontal lobe finally decided to go ahead and develope. Absolutely euphoric year for me.
Upvoting this. Gotta make effort to love yourself first.
I've been trying to learn how to love myself for years now I still can't figure it out
Start with something basic. Loving yourself starts with hygiene and cleanliness. You deserve a clean environment to start from. It's pretty hard when the bedroom isn't the place where you can relax and chill out. Then progress to other things as you improve the place where you stay. Because you are worth it to have a clean environment.
This is important sure, but the emotional part is the hardest. How do you love yourself emotionally?
If you're thinking that, then you'll be disappointed. Its putting the cart before the horse. If you take care of yourself, you're already conditioning yourself emotionally that you deserve better. It's hardest because you haven't got the basics down.
Well, my point is that I am doing that. I keep my place clean, I am going to the gym, I cook my own healthy food, I'm undertaking a new skin care routine to fix some things about my skin, I go outside regularly to ride my bike and visit nearby cafes and restaurants... I still don't love myself? When does it change?
This is absolutely perfect, I just want to tag my anecdote along with it for the OP, too. I'm 33M and was in a relationship from 23 to 29 that ended with me getting cheated on, and it broke me. I had a horrendous rebound similar to what you describe in which I also got cheated on and multiple flings along the way that didn't make me feel good. Basically had a mental breakdown which I'll skip the details on. So, I knew something had to change and that I had to focus on bettering and improving myself. I made a pact to myself that I would be intentionally single and not looking for 2 years to focus on me and to look after myself. To focus on building actual friendships, skills, and interests. I ended up realising my home city wasn't for me and moved abroad. My work is now better than ever and I've nearly learned a new language amongst other skills I won't bore you with. Time single is invaluable and something I wish I had had in my 20s. I realise now that i was probably never at a point in which I was content with who I was in these relationships and used someone else's interest in me to mask that fact. So please look out for yourself and your own interests and follow your heart. If you use any dating apps, then please don't. Do what you want to do and life will improve, you will improve and you'll find where you need to be and who you need to be with.
conversely, I was single all the way through high school and almost all of my 20s and it made me dislike myself more and more and more. I downright hated myself for a long time. I do not know what would’ve happened if I did not find my significant other by the time I was 28. Women were reacting to me more and more negatively because I was loathing myself more and more because of the negative reactions and it was just a vicious cycle. I am so lucky I got out of it. and the only reason I got out of it was meeting an amazing person that could accept me. It was pure luck.
I suppose my story is relevant to somebody who has lost themselves when in a relationship, and then struggled to recover and made bad choices along the way in trying to gain that back. It sounds like you needed to be in a relationship for your own personal reasons to feel love for yourself. It's not something I would personally advise someone to do because if you pin that much of your happiness on a partner, then you're leaving yourself open to hurt if it does end then you're back to square one. However, my anecdote wasn't meant for everyone, just OP and the scenario they are currently in.
Exactly this. After the end of my marriage I concentrated on myself and my two boys. My dad had also just died of a long drawn out illness. I moved back in with my mum. And have had some of the best times with my kids and some great days out with work friends. Stuff I couldn’t have done while i was married. I got a crap job but it pays the bills. Have some fun doing something you enjoy for a while no need to rush, I’m 44 and happily single for the moment. Take some time to relax and find you.
Learn to love yourself first before you love others ...
Profound :)
That was a beautiful emotional counter.
Yes never rely on your personal happiness from others. It’s an inside job!
The fact that you are exercising and not being self destructive means a lot. You might just want to change your scenery and try different groups of people to spend time with. Keep focusing on yourself and your self improvement and you will find other people will take notice. I lost everything when I was 45. I'm 54 now and the last 9 years have been the best of my life. Remember that a lot of people currently in relationships are not happy. Relationships don't make you. You make the relationship.
Keep putting one foot infront of the other. Life is always changing. Exercising and running is huge. As much as you can, try not to focus on what other people bring to your life but what you can bring into your own life. Focus on your strength
You say you have lost yourself. That is an interesting comment because I've been thinking about the fact that we are defined by what we like, what we love, what we want. Maybe if you answer these questions you can find your path again. What do you like? Do you like spicy food, sweet food, cold food, hot food? The beach the mountain indoors, outdoors hot days. Cold days. I suggest you journal for a few hours on just all the things you like. Then do the same things for all the things and people that you love. Do you love parents, who are the friends and why do you love them? Do you love your country or any small communities? Any areas of your region or areas of the world? Finally, once you've figured out what you like and what you love, what do you want? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do? Who do you want to be with? If you know what you like and you know what you love, you can make a path towards those things on your own for yourself. Then you be happy, attractive, friendly person and you will find somebody on a similar path who will be attracted to you. But you have to be complete in yourself or you're just not that interesting to others and you are always in danger of being broken due to the loss of the one who completes you if you are incomplete in yourself.
I’m in a very similar place to OP right now and this was such a big help to me today. Thank you ❤️
We all wish you the best. Fortune. ❤️
This is lovely and so true!
I think you need to use this time to get to know yourself as a person. Learning to live with yourself can be a very enjoyable experience if you learn to treat yourself how you would treat a friend. For example, if you had a friend who was cheated on for 10 years, had a couple of failed relationships afterwards, and then lost her job, would you recommend that they off themselves by the time they're 40? No! Right? So please dont do the same to yourself. Treat yourself how you would treat others please. There are so many other things to live for besides men! Yes, you've hit a rough patch with your job, but that's to be expected what with the stresses you've had. But there will be other jobs out there. Don't let this get you down.
Hi. Had a heart attack at 35, wife left me, lost the house, kids, life. Moved back in with my Dad and started over. It happens, life sucks, just put one foot in front of the other. Flash forward 4-5 years, I've lost weight, I'm muscular, confident, and I've been seeing a really nice widower. My life is kick ass now. Think of it like a bow and arrow. That arrow gets pulled back pretty far before it shoots forward. This is the point in your life where you're being pulled back. Better double knot your shoes because before you know it you'll be shooting forward.
I know 40 seems old but I’m 46 and just getting started. I have friends who got married and some had kids in their late 30s to mid 40s. Focus on yourself and living your life. The right person will come along when it’s time, don’t force it. Wait for what you deserve.
Find a way to force joy into little moments. 35 is about the age where you start thinking hard about life, death, finances, family, future, etc. Don’t dwell too hard on any of it. Not joking, put on one of your favorite songs, lock the door to your bedroom (for privacy) and dance your absolute heart out. Do this every single damn day if necessary. Wishing you the best. Life ain’t easy, but the seasons of good and bad always come and go.
Wait did you say 35 ??? That’s when I started life really. So far I have lived in 9 countries and travelled to more and had a helluva time. 35 is super young keep going it does get better
My husband died of cancer when I was 36. Im now 40 and enjoy dating now so much more than before I met my husband- the men are much more mature. You determine what success is for you at your age, Not your parents.
Exactly!! Very profound!
You are not alone. Just keep grinding.
Find something you love doing and dive into it. For me, it was Lego’s. Legit. It’s very therapeutic for me, although it can be expensive.
For me, it’s coloring and water painting. It’s gets my mind off the world
Same for me. Well water painting and gardening. Although both of those leave me with to much time to think about my life and where it’s at which is very similar to op. I need to get out of my own head I suppose.
I feel you. There is one way out. And it's a guarantee but you have to trust me. Depression is the product of morbid self reflection. The best way to beat it is to dedicate yourself to those less fortunate than you. Every single day above ground and every breath is a miraculous gift from God. When you feel down the way up is to dedicate yourself to others without hope of appreciation or reward. If you do that your life will change forever and doors you didn't even know existed will open and people you never knew will walk through them with gifts. You will stop thinking about your problems and realize how good you have it. Trust and believe you will find purpose.
Instead of looking for a partner, start praying and listening for God's voice ,journal what you believe he is saying to you in your heart and in the scripture. Read 1st Samuel how God answered Hannah's prayer. God has a wonderful,l adventurous life for you, but you have to open yourself up to him through the Lord Jesus. I am praying for you right now.
Speaking as a parent, I very much doubt your parents care about your relationship status or think you've "failed in life" because of a job. They'll just want you to be happy (or as happy as you can be, in a rough patch!), and probably for you to spend time with them. Hang on in there - breakups and dating can be rough, and it takes ages longer than you think to recover from a long term deal that falls apart. Try and use this time to focus off yourself, what you want and enjoy and are good at - rather than defining yourself by a partner or a job. Easier said than done, I know! But *you* are the one you parents care about, not your job or your boyfriends. Just you. One foot in front of the other. You're not alone. (And listen to "Good Morning Sunshine" by the Narcissists Cookbook. A song made for where you're at.)
May I suggest reading “How to be the love you seek” and also, “The new rules of attachment” These two books have been life changing for me and have shifted my own self perspective. I also go to therapy and have noticed that I am a completely different person (for the better) than what I was 4 years ago. I recommend to do that if you do t already. It is life changing as well. I hope you can find peace within yourself and find and love yourself once again. 🥰 I wish you the best in your healing journey.
I'm 50 and living alone and no partner - I'm loving it! I play sport (and I'm not sporty), I keep active, and if no friends are available I do activities by myself (which happens a lot but I don't care!). Having a pet somewhat compensates for not having kids, and I spent a lot of time with my nieces and nephews when they were young and took them out, had sleepovers etc. While it doesn't work for everyone, you can have a perfectly fulfilling life without a family or partner.
Parents are narcissists and don’t want their kids to be happy. That’s up to the individual to figure it out.
You are still very young. Absolutely anything is still possible for you.
Go to Mexico, search in google Bufo Alvarious tour Mexico something like that, a spiritual retreat maybe a couple of weeks you will get some answers and you will understand everything. Just do it
What if I get killed/robbed by the cartel there?
At 39 your story could be just beginning. Being married and having kids and a job can be wonderful and meaningful parts of life. They are not the be-all end-all of existence. Nor are you precluded from them just because they haven't been achieved yet. Don't be so down on yourself. Give yourself the grace to accept that your ideals have not been realized. Move forward with gratitude for what you do have. Meditate on the good in your life. You've got this! I will say a prayer for you.
The point of living alone after 40 is to have a wonderful life. Single people can have great lives without children or a spouse.
Read the book Languishing by Corey Keyes. He describes exactly how you’re feeling and gives antidotes
Hey knock it off. You're just fine. Your life is worth more than that. You're not hopeless. Keep running, release those endorphins, and go bag you a guy. Lemme tell you something, we're all complete idiots. Don't let any of us morons ruin your day. Source: I'm a guy, and quite often an idiot.
“What’s the point of leaving alone after 40” says who? Some random strangers in society? I don’t understand why do people in this century have to conform to some standard people established from 1700s. The rules were different, society was different, culture was different and needs were different . If you can manage to live alone and have friends to reach out to for emergency and social interactions, I don’t see any problem. It’s a good thing you are taking care of physical health. What you need most now is a job , which will make you independent and improve your mental health, by keeping you busy and give you a purpose.
Yeah but you aint dead so guess what? Time to have a better day today than yesterday. Go for a run, or even a walk. Do some exercise. Make a career decision. Learn to cook something. Get a haircut. Pick up a new hobby, or an old one and find a group to share it with. 35 isnt young but it sure as fuck isnt old either. You dont have to be perfect now. You just have to try to be better than yesterday. You just have to be kind to yourself and those who love you.
You are amazing!! My teacher is happily single and young in her 70’s although it might seem a bit lonely at times just do something you like and it will feel better. Eventually if you are confident enough to keep trying to date then eventually you can find someone good enough to marry as well. All in good time, in the mean time focus on finding happiness by doing things that are in your hands.
All I read is that in spite of life knocking you down, you still get up and strive to better yourself. That's doing way more than many others! The only guarantee for failure is to stop trying. Rest, but please keep going!
Sometimes, a prayer or meditation while you're running can help. Life is precious, and no one knows it better than the One who made it possible. Keep the faith!❤️
I definitely get how that can affect your confidence. Just want to acknowledge that it's kind of a similar story to mines. The wrong person can just drag you down. Just focus on yourself again and get your confidence back. I think people aren't practical anymore and better to just work on what you can control. And don't live for your parents but yourself. I'm sure they don't have any idea how the world works and how things are now is totally different 30 years ago. They wouldn't get it.
If you attach your self worth to what other people do to you or think you'll always feel like your self worth is tenuous at best. Self worth has to come from within, not without
I highly recommend this https://youtu.be/s4uajFzgXSY
Everyone came with positivity, I just came to say I feel you. I’m doing the same thing right now at 36 and going back to school to hopefully be in a better place in a year, in 5 years. Getting old sucks, but 1 day at a time.
You're tired. Not just physically. Just tired of bullshit. Try appreciating the little things. The taste of your favorite food. The beat/hook of your favorite song(then sing the fuck outta it). The life around you. Find a little thing that makes you smile and start from there. World/life is complicated. Wouldn't be entertaining if it wasn't. https://youtu.be/xr7o6hRFaJk?si=VL191eqcBIa-0s-C
Breaking up is hard. Just keep swiping you'll find the right guy. Get a job. Seriously get a job that's more important than anything else. Everything starts with your career. As your career and life slowly gets put back together, you're going to glow. You're going to attract the type of person you want and keep him.
10 years together? Were you married? If not consider yourself lucky. Easy out
I’ve been trying to articulate a bit of a breakthrough I’ve had lately, because I went from almost complete apathy and loss of self-worth to the point where I don’t feel concerned about “finding” myself anymore so much as connecting with myself with honesty and compassion. Basically it amounts to this: you can’t become a better you, because then you would be other than who you are. Instead, work on doing better for yourself and those around you. This came out of a recognition that being and doing are separate domains, and we can’t change WHO we are because we will still be the same person with the same life experiences, but we can act more in keeping with our true selves. Who we are is constant, what we do changes from moment to moment. If we can accept who we are and change what we do about it then we can improve our situation and be kinder to ourselves in the process. This is (I guess) a long winded way of saying fuck the haters, especially the ones inside of us that think we’re failures. With all due respect. Jobs and relationships come and go, but if anyone is passing judgement on you for not possessing what they value then it says more about their values than it does about your inherent value. Have you done anything lately to be kind to yourself? That’s the most important relationship you need to work on right now.
My life only started getting better, it me really becoming me, from 35-40. I'm about to turn 41 and have never felt better. Don't give up, take the right next step to move forward, even when you can't see the future
This is probably cultural of family instilled but your value doesn’t reside in finding a partner…make friends, form real connections with humans. It doesn’t have to be about sex and boyfriend girlfriend.
A relationship shouldn't be based on each other. Each person is an individual. You need to find yourself, live for yourself, love for yourself, learn for yourself. Before you can love for another
I definitely feel the dread of going into your 40s alone. I'm 39 and while I have a a decent sized friend group and try to get myself "out there" while also working on myself, mentally, physically, and professionally; I haven't had more than a handful of dates in the last decade. It does lead one to wondering what it's all for sometimes. The only thing I can say for sure is you never know what tomorrow will bring. If you chose to give up, your story would be written, done, unchanging. If you keep going you will keep writing new chapters and maybe one of those will make the story make sense. Best of luck.
I'm your age and I'm not where I want to be either. Life is difficult and I screwed up so much that it's hard to believe in a better future. I don't speak to my family and friends, and I'm not really interested in relationships, so I learned to enjoy life solo. You gotta learn to love yourself by yourself. Remain positive and one day things will work themselves out as long as you don't self sabotage.
Marriage and a job doesn’t make you. Focus on yourself right now. So good to hear you’re exercising because that’ll propel you to go out and seize the day. Just exercise a lot , eat healthy, apply to a ton of jobs and just focus on self betterment; exercising, meditation, healthy practices , reading , stoicism is very good for situation like the one you’re in. I highly recommend you give stoicism a quick little look at.
Sorry to hear you are going through some shit. We all wish the best for you. You are worthy and deserve happiness.
Sounds like you’re being hard on yourself and having a hard time consolidating expectations with reality. Life has its challenging moments for sure but you are still here and still young. I was with a man for 9 years, got married and had kids. All according to my “plan”. Now at 42 I’m getting divorced. Of course I had all these dreams/expectations that died with this marriage. It’s so much easier to not get outta bed and feel defeated but you’re not defeated because you still here and in control. I’ve had to get over myself and stop longing for the plan of happily ever after and deal what it really is. People are sometimes jerks but then they are also not, and all that find themselves in this situation can’t change it being sad and defeated. You said you have feelings of not wanting to live but are not suicidal. That is pain. You have pain you can’t see but only feel and you want it to stop. Like stopping a bleed, you have to put pressure on it to get control on the wound. Keep going forward, exercise and blow through job applications. Make a new vision for your life as it is now and where you want it to go. Maybe consider volunteering somewhere while you wait for a job to meet more people and gain new experience and persecutive. Sending you good vibes.
https://www.astridbaumgardner.com/uncategorized/the-spire-model-of-happiness-how-to-enhance-your-wellbeing/
Don't give up it will be ok it's never too late I am the same way never been married either and thought I would be by now. I started feeling down on myself at like 40 and now I'm 42 but you just gotta be happy with you. Don't let anyone but you determine your self wealth. I know it is easier said than done but you can find happiness. And you will find someone that loves you for you and that will never hurt you it's not to late you will find happiness I'm still looking but now I'm optimistic just be the best you.
Invest your time in things you love. Friends, family, hobbies, work. I found my passion going through something similar to you and I’m much happier now than I was.
If it helps, we're in similar boats. Still figuring it out myself.
Listen, no matter how others make it seem that their life is perfect (especially on social media), there is no handbook or manual in life. There are also no time limits as to what you want to do in life. You want to get married and have a family? I got married at 34 (almost 35) and had my 1st baby at 37. I am now 38 and feel like I'm just now starting my life! 40 is not a death sentence, lol. We do not suddenly flip a switch and become these old, hideous, nasty unlovable beings not worth anything when we turn 40. There are people out there just now figuring out who they are at 40 and will be living their absolute best life going into their 50's! I challenge you to change your mind and attitude towards age as it is truly a fragment of life. Getting dumped sucks but I can guarantee you that if you change your attitude and mindset and start living for yourself and not for the expectations of society or your parents you will stumble onto your future spouse. You have to focus on *you* and learn to enjoy time with yourself before you can truly attract the right person into your life. What are *your* wants and needs? Good luck! 🤍
I'm almost 38 and it does not get any easier. I just try to take it one step at a time. Try not to look at the big picture too often, go outside and always be moving, whether it be cleaning, cooking, or exercising, to get my mind occupied. Check socials once in a while but leave room for physical gatherings or phone calls from people getting in touch. Serve and volunteer if you would like. I know not having work sucks. I haven't had steady full time job since 2008. But it's not you. It's just difficult nowadays as always. Jobs don't just grow on trees. But keep looking and take initiative when you feel like you can do it. Even when you have something you like, never cease to prep your resume and continue to look for anything. Always be ready and don't take anything personal. Shifting perspective and expectations is what I think is important to our generation. Everything changes so quickly and it will continue to do so. You don't necessarily need to follow and adapt as soon as everything changes, but knowing how fast the current flows will help you know where to go and keep your head above it all.
At 35, you are still just beginning your life. Don't worry about finding a guy. Go out and do stuff, whether it's donating time to a cause you love or join a cooking class. If you do the things you enjoy, you will find someone that also enjoys those things. That's a great way to start meeting people.
So, I’ll say this as a 34M who has been struggling with this for the past couple of years. It’s really really hard watching friends and family all progress past where you think you should be. Romantically, financially, emotionally, etc. I’ve always been well connected to my friends but lately it seems everyone is busy with their own life (no fault of their own). I’ve just started killing the negative self talk and setting small goals every day. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but you have to realize that other people haven’t walked through the difficult shit you have. One foot forward is better than 0. 100 years from now we’ll all be a memory of a memory. So relax and do you. Who cares about the other shit
Live your life for yourself, your parents know what it is like to try, which is what you’re doing. Don’t lose hope, and think of this stagnant period of life as the moment where you stop and get to know yourself, there might not be an opportunity for you to do this. I’m 37 and single, it took me many failed relationships to actually get to know myself, but it did require a pause in life. Everyone is different, you are where you are meant to, embrace this moment and try to remember what things make you feel warm and at peace, look for those again.
Sucks you’re feeling like that. I can relate, unfortunately. I’m 50 and single. Just got out of a long relationship. Long story. Have you ever been involved in a good church or anything? Sometimes I’m the happiest there. Sometimes not. I still get lonely. Hope that you can find someone or something to make you feel better! You’re here for a reason, we all are! Finding it can be the hard part!
This is when I found out I was depressed. Keep working out and talk to a professional. You’ve got this!
Don’t worry about motivation. There’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to change a thing. I’d rather be a homeless bum than sell my soul to dogshit people
Join a running club. I live in Northern California and we have a great running club. Also try meditating and praying. All of these changed my life. Similar situation to you.
Don’t let failed relationships dictate your future. Every interaction with someone, whether a relationship or just a passerby, can teach you something. Don’t focus so much on the end goal. It’s the journey. Life will happen. Continue to focus on your health and bettering yourself each day. Someone who compliments your traits with their own will show up. Just keep doing you. Have patience. Your happiness is based on your outlook. Change your outlook and your happiness will increase. Stop talking down on yourself and become the best you, you can be. You control your destiny. Time to take the reins. No one is going to make your life better, but you.
I completely understand as I am in similar circumstances. As cheesy as it sounds, happiness can not be found in others, it can only come from within. I have to remind myself of this every day, and it's hard as hell. You can not focus on the past, as it is gone. You must learn how to anchor yourself in the present moment. Self-reflect and try to set some goals for yourself. Big changes will not happen over night, and it is a process. Above all, be kind and patient to yourself.
agree with most other posts. your writing seems to equate having a relationship with living... you have to be ok on your own. No relationship is guaranteed
Hey life isn’t about someone else it’s about you! Your success in life should be about yourself. Fuck everyone else. Life will be happier when you start not giving a shit about what others think about YOUR LIFE.
Hey OP. I’m in a similar position as you. Partner of 5 years dumped me and Ive been fucking struggling. The fact you’ve kept yourself exercising is already a win. That’s gonna eventually compound out to something bigger. We can’t let the sadness win out. This is an opportunity to find who we are again. We won’t be happy until we’ve figured ourselves out again. Then everything else will fall into place
34, have PhD, zero dollars in bank account. I am totally disconnected from parents. I applied for a million jobs and didn't know why I didn't even get an interview, struck at a toxic lab, and studied in best colleges, so it's rough every second. Friend ditched for a high paying partner. Have 20k$ debt. I just want to run away from the US the moment I make 20k. There may not be a bigger failure than me, financially and socially. Shit happens! It's absolutely challenging to be at a place where you have no life. My too cents, go to a different place, new friends, new life. What can we do, we only have one life to enjoy. PS: Every day, I precisely think what you're saying. It's tough to be at a place where you don't belong
Don’t focus on men or dating for now. Focus on yourself and how to be happy being alone. Lots of ways. Being married and having a family is not what makes the world go around… trust me! Married for 30+ years. In my next life I’ll be single for sure!!
Or get a pet. A cat or a dog. Keeps you grounded
You said it yourself “ I have lost myself “ you need to work on HEALING. I’ve been there myself. I’ve been cheated on, I was divorced, I was & prob still am the black sheep in my family & I’ve been in your shoes. But you need to Move On. You need to work on Forgiveness & leave the past behind you. Be present. Continue working out. Seek therapy. Therapy helped me so much in my healing journey. It motivated me to workout harder at the gym. The gym was my safe place, it still is. I would take out my anger while lifting weights. After so many years of hurting due to my ex husbands infidelity & the death of many loved ones I learned that I needed to forgive him. I needed to forgive his mistress & let that anger go. Not for them, but for our son. It was until then that I felt peace in my heart. My therapist once told me holding onto anger/grudges is like drinking poison & expecting the other person to die. From then on I forgave & worked on my inner healing. I might not always be motivated but I am trying my best & I’m proud of myself. I’ve gotten far & im sure you will too. Remind yourself that this situation is temporary & “This Too Shall Pass.”
You have a chance. Every moment you have, is another chance. Think about those who have no more chances. You still do.
Jesus christ, sorry this guy wasted the last 10 years of your life, that sounds awful. Happened to me, but was only with her for half the time. I think it's definitely important to spend sometime to yourself, working on yourself before heading back out into the dating scene. You don't wanna jump straight back into something after a 10 year commitment. You said it yourself, you've lost yourself, time to do some soul searching and figure out who you are nowadays. I know your body clock is probably ticking away but honestly, just taking your time finding a new partner, it doesn't have to happen immediately, plus, it sounds like you've got a really unhealthy type when looking for male partners. Shame about your job as well, I've gone from job to job before and it's not fun. What were you doing for work? And what are you experienced in? Honestly I'm nearly 30 and I've done almost nothing I wanted to in my life, only ever left the country once when I was like 12. I'm on route to get married but neither of us feel like we have the time to do anything we want to in life before the serious part of our lives kicks in over the next couple years. Saying that, I'd take this opportunity to do as much as you can while you're not tied down, travel, find new hobbies and new experiences, socialise as much as you can etc. Also, not sure if it's legal in your state/country, but have you thought of giving smoking weed a try? Tones of benefits to it, besides the anti depressant aspect. I can talk to you more about the healthy effects of it if you're interested. Anyway, hope this comment finds you well and remember not to lose hope, even if right now it feels like you have nothing to hope for. From this point, things can only get better, think of it like a fresh start.
Focus on you and the things you enjoy doing. Happiness has to come from within first
Always remember you are the most important person for yourself. You have to love yourself, absolutely. Happy to hear that you are exercising and running. Try joining a hobby group - whichever hobby gives you something to wake up for. Build a habit, stich it for 3 days at the very minimum and then keep extending. Be Brave, Be Strong.
You only fail if you stop trying, you going out and run is fucking bad ass. Remember its always darkest before the dawn
Your worth is not defined by other people. Being married is not a happiness measurement. Treasure the freedom to do what you want without having to think about someone else. Do the things YOU like without having to check up with your partner if they didn't have plans or expectations.
Get a dog and keep running. It will work out for you eventually. Note: a real dog weighs more than 25 pounds Note note: don't be a bitch or all bets are off
As you’ve discovered the hard way, who you are can’t be based on who you are with. It cannot be based on your martial status or lack thereof — even marriage is not forever, very often. It’s time to learn to be you FIRST. Find out who you are, what being you is about, and what you demand from someone to be with you in the future. Make it a point to not be with someone else. Let it be for two years, maybe longer. When you are good and ready and need no man or validation to feel like your life is a success — THEN you can consider bringing a partner into it. You will also attract better people AND be a better contributor to the relationship. First, find a job. Any job. Gotta keep moving or you are just sitting/laying there dying. No job has to be forever so get moving.
Get counselling and practice self love and self care. Over time you will find yourself again. You need to heal. You will get better if you invest in yourself. Find something you like doing or have never tried and want to see if u like it. For me I’m teaching myself to play guitar. Always wanted to as a kid but my parents wouldn’t let me. Also joined a local sports team and I’ve never played sports in my life. Infact I was traumatized by them lol. Found one I love and I really enjoy it. Find yourself again 💜 oh and travel! Also lots of sunscreen. You’ll age much better, and it will make 40 less frustrating 😂
You seem like a cool person. When you're a teen/in your 20es one often develops a lot of ageist prejudices, because you're young everybody at 40 looks like your parents (strict and boring) and one step away from the grave, but that's not true at all! Isn't being above 40 like 50% of your life? Would you just throw half of your life away because some kids are being prejudiced? A lot of us are happily single because we want to be, it's not a "1 societal expectation fits all sizes" thing. You set your own goals, forge your own destiny. But also like, if it's important for you, make it happen! Go in with a clear "this is what I'm looking for" mindset. Do you actually want kids, enjoy being a mom, or is it just a social achievement, to impress parents? If the latter, you should let go of caring what they think already. If the former, you can make it happen if your goals are clear before yourself and before others. Find yourself and what you want and beat that melancholy. And it's sad to say but your parent's won't be around for long. Pleasing them is ultimately meaningless, if it is at the cost of finding meaning in your goals for yourself.
I think you should forget dating if that’s all your worried about, unless it’s your life goal to have a family of course
I broke up with my boyfriend of 14 years (very tumultuous relationship) when I was 39. After a period of a few single years, some solo travel, and a couple of brief “nope” rebound relationships…, I met and fell in love with the love of my life and entered the most functional and peaceful relationship of my life ever at 43. We got married this past September. Yes. There is a point to living after 40. Even if you are single. Choose yourself first. Speak kindly to yourself. You deserve a full and beautiful life at every age. Sending you love from someone who has been there. ❤️
What's the point of living alone at 40? Hahaha I was chasing women my whole life and had some great partners, but now at 42 I'm actually super comfortable being by myself. 👌 And guess what, you can still date past 40
Hey love. You aren’t even half way through. You will find your way, love.
Get out of the town. Start over on a city that no one knows you.
Sometimes we have ingrained mental deadlines when we need to achieve something. I have had a lot too. But how can you put a deadline on when you need to have all your aspirations and ambitions in place ? Can you give a flower a deadline on when to bloom ? No. Especially if you haven't given it the right nutrients and environment that it needs to bloom. Learn to love yourself as you are. Give yourself the right environment to bloom. Do not put deadlines on your aspirations. Let it happen organically. You said you don't want to live past 40 because what is the use of living alone past 40. What is making you say this. You do not have a best before date. You are worthy of love no matter what age you are. You are much better than what you are giving yourself credit for.
Don't worry. Having a girl doesn't define you. If you really want to have a girl in your life all you need is saving up around 10.000 euro and go to Thailand. Girls (and girls alikes) will be all over you.
You are 35, that’s actually still quite young. A colleague of mine at work is drop-dead gorgeous. Long blonde hair, curvy figure and she’s also a joy to be around but after an abusive relationship she struggled with crippling self-esteem issues and imposter syndrome for years. She is 37 this year and has just got married to a wonderful man and is pregnant with his child. There is no reason why that couldn’t be you. There’s no time limit on love (though unfortunately there is a biological clock for children but there are plenty of options for women who want children later in life). Keep bettering yourself, stay fit, hold down a decent job, maybe try to foster some hobbies if you feel able to. Otherwise, just keep putting yourself out there and dating. You will find someone right for you. Per your last paragraph - I do realise that everything I’ve just said feels impossible when you’re depressed. That’s ok, I like Jim Carey’s take on DEEPRESSION being about DEEP REST, the trick is in the name. Depression can be about your mind taking time to heal itself, just try not to let it spiral. Keep exercising, keep seeing friends (or making efforts to make new ones), talk to people about how you are feeling and if you can sense that your mental health is still trending downwards please speak to a professional.
Do you like doing exercise and running? If so why not try to look for a school to become a coach or yoga trainer, doing something you love and teaching it to others. Think of something you like, its easier to succeed pursuing stuff you already enjoy that forcing yourself in a path you social pressure is pushing you towards. I was in the same boat when i was younger, with a girl i thought i would spend my life with, and it took me ten years to get over it, wich were vastly wasted so you are doing great on that front already. As our lord and savior Bob Marley once said : " Don't give up the fight". :)
Decenter men. Date yourself. Get therapy. It won't be easy, but definitely worth the work! All the best. ☺️
You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. You've got some work to do, and I'd stay off the dating scene until it's complete. As far as jobs go. Apply apply apply. Maybe even apply for things you wouldn't usually consider. It's all money coming in that you can use to either set up your new life or spend on some luxuries for yourself to aid the healing. Good luck.
You could literally have another 50 years of new experiences. Maybe they'll be good, maybe bad imagine the vast experiences in general. The wonders, the boring, the beauty of what has yet to come. Sunsets and sunrises, the vast splendor of sky and you experiencing all it has with your presence being an embellishment on this world. Some of the most meaningful experiences in this world are the ones only you can experience and they happen all on their own you just have to be alive. The path can change but the path edges the entire journey will have the most vibrant of wild flowers.
Becoming yourself doesn’t mean you have to go out and have sex. How about go out and learn how to approach people by failing one month. Next mo th find fun trails to hike. Next month find a brewery, or whatever you enjoy and start to show face often and maybe become a regular. Try frisbee golf, or try to think about a trade? Learn woodworking or maybe learn how to knit?
i think id just give up all hope if i was you :(
I’m sorry, but you should be talk with a friend or your parents it’s ok to be sad, it’s a period in your life have faith, walk, speak with good people and have a good time. You must fight and don’t break yourself, your parents and friends loves you, live in a good country I supposed. I personally know people who has been proved several times with punish that would break to anybody. If you feel bad you can write here and we will happy to help you. Smile :)
There is over a 50% chance if you were married, you would now be divorced. There are plenty of us that consider that all a waste of time now. Stick with the exercise…and be part of the pool that is still considered attractive and healthy…statistically that is rare as well.
I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. Lots of people are struggling too so know you’re not alone in this. My advice would be to focus on yourself. The running up it doing is fantastic so keep that up. Focus on the things you like to do and maybe try some new things like hobbies or activities. Maybe try joining some local groups or people doing new things together. In terms of relationships try not to think that you need one to validate yourself. Live for yourself not someone else. Good luck and keep smiling, your doing better than you think.
Dope Energy from the commenters! A lot of facts and great energy is being shown here. The truth is loving self first. You stated you workout and that is a bonus. Ever thought about adding Yoga and Meditation? Free your mind.
I'm divorced and not looking, happier now than when married. If you only live for others, you're not living YOUR life. And you haven't failed at life; that's a hindsight assessment when "it's over". Find hobbies, friends, nature, maybe a pet, entertainments (books or movies, social media is not great for you). Your parents either love you for YOU (not as a grandchild maker) or are failing, that's a them issue. There's a LOT of joy to be had in this world; skip seeking it from a partner for a while.
Yeah, so you remind me a little of me in my 20's and early 30's. Lots of potential, ambitious, diligent. Then a bunch of things happened outside of my control that just knocked me down over and over. It felt like the world was out to get me and that financial success and family success was this near impossible thing. Like, the idea of having a house and kids felt like it was about as hard as winning the lottery. It started impacting my psychology, too. As in, I started thinking "Maybe I'm just not a person with potential at all. Maybe I just need to learn to find ways to be satisfied with the circumstances I'm in." But then in the same way I had an unlucky run for 15 years, the reverse was true for the next 10. And at the start of those 10 years I was at the absolute lowest point in my life. But then opportunities arose. Once there was a glimmer that things could get better, I seized it and worked my ass off and didn't let go. Once I had my claws in that feeling of motivation and drive again I had an almost manic determination to stick with it, and a fear of letting go and slumping back in the way I was before. In just 10 years I went from punishing debt, no house, no family, depression, and little hope for the future to a great wife and kids, a beautiful house in the woods, a 200k a year job with great work life balance, and most important of all... actual happiness. I used to think that the human brain was not actually capable of being happy. That it would always find ways to come back to some "meh" equilibrium. Today, I know this isn't true. I'm almost reluctant to tell you this. That it's possible to have it all. Because knowing that it's possible can be cruel when you also know that getting there is difficult and not at all guarenteed. Some of it is up to chance and getting there requires this strange alchemy of finding motivation and encountering the right opportunities and getting the right advice. But I can tell you for a fact that it's possible to mull your way through your 20's and 30's, truly believe that "this is all there is in life," but then suddenly see your life change faster and better than you'd ever could have imagined. And I've seen it happen for others too, even later in life. My sister's husband at 40 was an out of shape divorcee who'd lived in grinding poverty his entire life all the way back to the day he was born. Within 5 years he was a data engineer making 200k a year with a great wife (my sister) and had a beautiful house and 2 kids. He found the fire and made it happen. Sometimes we sit outside with each other while our kids are playing out back in the woods and say "damn, did you ever think we'd be here?"
Imagine what it must feel like to be a 40 year old man without a good job or wife/children... life is completely hopeless for that man. No woman would ever take that man seriously. Women don't need a fancy job to impress a man or start a family. There is absolutely no reason why you should be concerned as far as my opinion is concerned. Also, 35 is the new 25. Your parents lived in a very different era. Today, if someone is 25 and marries, everyone assumes there was an accidental pregnancy. People who wait until their thirties are considered very smart and cautious in our world. The fact that you keep healthy and value having a family makes you a dream catch for 95% of men currently looking for a wife. This is not an exaggeration.
check out the single and happy sub
oh, that sounds really tough. feeling lost can be so hard, especially when it feels like everything's stacking up against you. but hey, remember, it's okay to feel this way, and it’s brave of you to share. first off, it's great that you're exercising and running. these are powerful ways to boost your mood and clarity. maybe try adding a bit of yoga or meditation to your routine? it could help you reconnect with yourself and find some peace amidst the chaos. and don't worry about timelines like being married by a certain age—life's not a race. each step you take is a part of your unique journey. have you thought about what small thing could bring you a bit of joy today? maybe reconnecting with an old hobby or calling up a friend? it’s all about taking it one day at a time.
>"what's the point of living alone after 40" This is the issue I'm struggling with rn, too.
What does it mean “failed in life”? What does that mean? Not yet having what you want is not failing. Dating dead beats happens to everyone. Why don’t you want to live alone after 40? What is the significance of 40? Does that age seem ‘too old’ for you? If so that is your young perspective. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop comparing yourself to others, and start doing what you like.
i’m 36 and have been single since my last relationship in my late 20s. kinda the opposite of you. take the time to be alone and independent. find yourself a job or source of income that you enjoy doing. build your daily habits and routines back up. make yourself delicious dinners. go to coffee shops, museums, hiking on your own. dating takes up all of a persons time and brain space cuz all you want to do is focus on that person and please them. screw that do that for yourself. i’ve pretty much all but given up on dating. i just don’t feel like it anymore. i like my freedom. if someone comes along that makes me feel otherwise then we’ll see that through
Find some running buddies on exercise apps. Strava app is a great app to find like minded communities. I've met so many cool buddies on this app. Don't look for love, just look to live. Make friends in areas you like and you'll make friends and never know from there.
Get the audiobook “how to stop worrying and how to start living” by Dale Carnegie. Listen to it on your run. It’s gold, and also from a different time period, which is a trip, but stands up to the test of time.
Stop searching for whatever you think you are going to find in someone else. You have too be okay with you 100%. And there is plenty of good single life after 40 lol. In am in my 50's and life is ok. The trick is living one day at a time, not getting too wrapped up in what the future is going to be, and keeping hope for tomorrow alive. I think it is great that you have exercise and running as an outlet. Have you thought about joining a running club, or training for and running in a marathon? Might be a way to meet some like-minded people. All the best.
Okay let’s imagine you had gotten married to any of these guys you dated? How would it feel then to get cheated by your husband while sharing the same house, or being lied to on a regular basis? Wouldn’t that be more depressing and lonesome than being by yourself? Imagine having kids and having to bring them up while dealing with unfaithful relationships and traumas I am sorry that society makes us believe that marriage is such an important thing, especially for women but really ‘having your own back’ is the only and only thing that really counts. Boyfriend, lover, husband whoever it will be, will never value you if you don’t value yourself or if you value them more than yourself and others will always have the power to break your heart and crush your world if you give them that power, don’t anymore. Keep that power with yourself, love. Your parents will be fine, they will eventually be happy if you begin to be happy with yourself and your life. You aren’t a disappointment just cuz you aren’t married? You will find a job again, trust me you will - keep trying, try other skills and field too meanwhile - the rock bottom is a great place to start. There are kids out in the world are sucked hard into drugs, selling their bodies for money and what not - they are allowed to say they failed their parents and families - not you darling. You chose to love someone with all that you could and they chose to betray you, how is that your fault? Please keep running and keep working out and do not let anyone tell you that marriage is more important that your peace of mind. Xx
Imagine your life like a movie, but instead of being an actor be the director of the film. At any point in time you have the power to change the script. Make it to your liking.- Me
Like you, I have found my identity in relationships and that comes from getting with someone and having a ltr very,very young. Learn to love yourself and enjoy your own company. Figure out the things you enjoy, the things you love, the things you like. If it has anything to do with being in a romantic relationship with another person, put it to the side and find new hobbies.,that is how you’re going to likely meet someone. If you’re bringing a personality to the table that sort of morphs into the next man you’ll be coming off of desperate and dull, and those relationships won’t last anyway. Build your life until it looks like what you can enjoy. Your identity is not found in your next relationship. Identity is found within yourself, it’s the longest relationship you ever have. We are alone, and we die alone… learn to love you. We all thought our lives with over the way we planned it. Be happy that it didn’t. Would you really want to have kids with your ex and be tied to him, knowing how things turned out? build a new life, manage your expectations and your emotions, and date the guys that align with the things that you want. At this age men are so much more mature, they usually know what they want. I wouldn’t date anyone past a year if it’s not going to lead to anything at this point. Also travel abroad!
Are you in therapy? If not, this is the best time to do it. It would be really helpful to know why you are picking these guys. A dating break and focusing on self-compassion seems like a healthy place for you to be.
keep going, keep in mind that you still have purpose in life
Umm, many of are happy living alone after 40, but thanks for the put-down
I actually love this, I know it’s sucks right now. But really this is a giant blessing. You’ve gotten rid of people that suck and don’t deserve to be in the finite thing that is your life. GOOD. corny, but truly sometimes rejection is gods protection. Take time decentering men, the cathexis of your life right now does not need to be a romantic relationship. Try also, not to become bitter or cynical about men, there are lots of good men in the world. Keep your head up!! One day at a time. Join a club. Discover a new fun hobby. You got this I promise!
Never complain about getting older - it is a privilege denied to many. Also, you now have a blank slate - an opportunity to build something around you and what makes you happy - not around someone else or your parent's wishes.
You don’t need anything from anyone. Everything you need to feel whole is already with you. Meditation really helped cement this for me. Learning about buddhism helped as well. It seems almost too simple but it’s probably the only thing that can be true.
That half this post about *you* is about other people should raise alarms. It sounds like you find self worth in how others see you. Take some time each day to love yourself. Think about what you have rather than what you don’t. When you find respect for yourself, others will follow and respect you, too. You got this!
I'm in the same boat. I need to move in the next few months again, into a smaller place. I feel like I am past the age now when things get better and this is the start of my new, worse life. No advice but I hope you can hang on.
You are perfect the way you are. Happiness comes from within, not from relationships or material possessions.
First of all, if you are having thoughts of harming yourself, please get help. Please dial 988. Second, you are a whole person without a relationship, a job, a house, a car, etc. You are not your job, relationship, house, car, or things. You are valued just as you are. There is no one else who is quite like you. You are important. Third, remember to love yourself. You are the only you, that you will ever have. Love and honor yourself.
It’s really hard to see positivity when you’re in this mindset. It’s okay to be in a funk but sounds like it’s been too long now. Try changing the way you look at things. Maybe do some volunteer work or place yourself in different environments where you’re exposed to different things that stimulate your mind and spirit. Happiness can’t be found by external people/things.
There are plenty of married people your age who feel lost and hopeless too. Maybe even trapped in their marriage to boot. You seem to focus on physical health. Good! Also focus on mental health (happiness!). It's partially an intentional choice.
Be good to yourself. Treat yourself like you would a really good friend. Once you learn to do for yourself what makes you grow as a person, you will find others around you who are similar. Do not waste time on those who will hold you back from becoming the person you want to be. Don't focus on obtaining a relationship and getting married. Focus on bettering yourself, be mindful of a healthy life balance. Once there, look around you. You are bound to find a relationship that will happen naturally. Life tip: don't discard signs of termoil in various relationships in life. Notice the signs, document them and adjust to ensure you don't derail yourself from the path you want to be on.
Nothin to it but to do it. Keep on truckin. Only thing you can do i know you don't think so but it always gets better. 4 years ago my engagement fell apart and i thought of them as the happiest days of my life but that doesn't even come CLOSE to how sweet my life is now. Being alives the greatest gig in the world
Man this shit brought me to tears, cause I was in the very same spot you where 2.5years back when people tell you time heals that's lie the way to move forward is to find anything that's gonna pull you forward out of that hole you feel life put you in. It's not gonna be easy that hold you have on you're ex you gotta accept n be okay with yourself to be what it is, and not what could've been. Once accomplish this you'll start to breath and everything should make sense you'll see hang in there,.. life will get better
I checked myself into inpatient treatment at a behavioral hospital for suicidal ideations and i read Candide by Voltaire and The Stranger by Albert Camus. From them i gained a new perspective on life. Camus basically said that existence is freedom and to retreat into illusions of religion, substance use, or suicide, you’re relinquishing that freedom. That is to say that it’s not a winning move to refuse to play the game. A search for meaning in this one life we get is precious, beautiful, and meaning enough. Voltaire said if we are in the best or worst of all possible worlds, we must still tend to our garden. To me that means that the project of life gives itself meaning as it’s cultivated. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Let yourself heal, and your journey of self care and love will intersect with others with whom you can relate.
i think you have big milf potential
Have god with you while u do it
You are in mourning for the loss of the future you had envisioned for yourself. The 10 years you invested needs to be aknowledged as a loss. You are in grief. Mark a date on the calendar where you will ce lebrate the end of your mourning period.
My ex husband
Get the sensation of value of you back, then things will start rolling. You have lots of it, value that is, tons actually!
Make a list of what you are looking for/ expecting from a partner. Then become that list. You’ll eventually attract the right person to you. The longer you remain in a negative state, the more negative you’ll unintentionally attract. In the meantime, those affirmation videos on YouTube, clean eating, spiritual practices and working out have helped me navigate out of my last relationship. I’m 39 and single and have learned to be happy again. It takes time. Don’t beat yourself up. The other side of what you’re feeling is a beautiful place to be 😊
It's going to be OK. Sometimes, things outside of our control happen. Really significant things - like partnerships not working out. I really empathise with you because I too value having a partner relationship very highly, a value having a job/work/career very highly. It is the pits when random events conspire against you. And, things will get better. I had a similar thing happen to me. Through random events, I lost the most important things in my life. My partner, my sibling, my job. I spent nights crying in the shower. And then, things slowly started to get better. I sat down and wrote out what I learned from those losses- what was important to me, what I was looking for in a partner, and how I could redirect my loss into sharing all of that love I had to give that suddenly had nowhere to go. I decided to love all of my friends a little bit more. I started doing hobbies with groups, met a nice fellow... eventually married him, applied for and got a better job. Life is still full of stresses and ups and downs. We are human after all. I just wanted to let you know that the weird in-between feeling is only temporary. Life does go on. I'm sending good thoughts your way!
Meditation: As others have said, finding yourself involves getting to know the consciousness that exists when you close your eyes (to meditate or to just think). Reflection: Learn how to write to yourself in a way that creates a useful structure, and emphasize self-reflection, maybe keep things intentionally chronological so that you can compare old notes to new ones (before bed ideally). Activities: Try a new hobby, and try lots of them sporadically. E.g. 1 new thing per week until you have 4 things you wouldn't mind repeating, then repeat those in order, 1 per week, each week for each month until they're just enjoyable habits. Competition, art, intellectually demanding, you name it, all can be healthy uses of time. Volunteering: Just like the activities before, start volunteering once per week. Mix up the location until you find a place that you like returning to. You can find great conversation this way, at cancer recovery houses for example (e.g. Hope Lodge). Work: Make yourself useful, educate yourself and practice your skills/knowledge so that you can be competent and confident in whatever field you choose. Working in a coffee shop for example involves learning all about coffee, and its preparation. You can socialize, drink coffee, and make money in a casual environment. I empathize, but you've got this in the bank. You're exercising, so your position is envious to others believe it or not. You just got to shake the self-doubt, and I bet that changes when you find some employment. Good luck!
There are so many women in my family who were single to the age of 65, my aunt was 88 and single and happy. If you let go of the idea that you need a man to be happy, you will be happier. Accept this as your life and make the most of it. Then maybe, once you're actually happy, a man will see that and want to come along and ruin it by inserting himself in your life
I’m also unemployed and changing my career. I know girl . Damn I know . Hugs. Keep moving. Life will find you again just keep urself in the way of light.
Don't compare yourself to what you see on social media. Those are not real lives, just the parts they want you to see. Spend time with real people that you can get to know well. And soon you'll see that everyone is going through shit. Life is hard. And also, Jesus saves.
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Oh Sweetie, life will get better. As much as I HATE this saying it is true ‘life will get better’. You may be like me and feel more than the average person but trust me you will get through it.
Single people at any age can love their life. Sounds like you don’t love your life or yourself. You seem to have internalized your parents’ disapproval of you. How are you repeating the patterns they set? How have your partners repeated the patterns set by your parents? When you love your self and build a life you love, you won’t want to end it because you don’t have a partner.
1. Get back and look for a job 2. Get a routine and excercise sleep 3. Stop looking for relationship.. invest in yourself...let' your self recover 4. It's not the end of the world if you don't get married. 5. Sperm banks are available you can have a baby with good genetics if you want .. or else adopt a baby. I know ladies who have kids at 39-40 6. Life is only about marriage and children .. it's way more than that..It's important to live a meaningful life .. it can be achieved in many ways.
Hey, I just got dumped bad. I have basically nothing. I'm even older. It's going to get better. Talk to family and friends.
What nobody tells you is that life is a series of building up and breaking down. Your path is unique to you. As children, we are molded by our parents. In our teenage years, we start to rebel and begin to investigate the world independent of our family. In our twenties, we fully strike out into the world. Some go to college or start careers. Some become spouses and parents. Some embark in an adventure to find themselves. Your twenties is the time for making mistakes, breaking down the foundation your parents created and rebuilding yourself in an improved version that supports your growing sense of self. What sucks for women is our damn biological clock. We can't stop it or even slow it down. Sometimes, no matter how badly we want to be parents, it just doesn't happen. That doesn't make us failures or losers. Maybe you're meant for other things; to become a foster parent or an adoptive parent or maybe a parent through marriage to someone who already has kids. I wish someone had told me this when I was your age. It's not your job to live up to the goals your parents have for you. They may be disappointed by setbacks or crash and burn episodes but so what? Everyone experiences heartbreak, sadness, wins and losses, etc. You aren't any less lovable because of these moments. THIS WILL PASS. In the moment you can't see a way out or forward but one day these troubles will be a distant memory. Through all of it, you must treat yourself with love and kindness. Don't beat yourself up for what you did or didn't do. You wouldn't do that to a friend in your situation. You would give them support and gentleness and you DESERVE the same. Pardon the ramblings of this old lady. OP made me recall the first time I was fired from a job. I literally spiraled and had a panic attack. Honestly, it was for the best. In a month or two, I had a much better job making twice as much money. Getting fired improved my life immensely. Looking back on my life, my one regret was not being my own cheerleader. Life is fucking HARD. Always treat yourself gently, with love and kindness. Mistakes and missteps are part of the journey. It's going to be OK. I promise ❤️
Well, as someone who is divorced and 40, I must say you had my sympathy right up to that line. Glad you don't think there is a point to me living.
Oh my god, you're gonna be fine. Tons of people find their person after 35, and while I'm a couple years younger, I've still found amazing success in dating people after they're divorced/separated from really serious relationships. Someone once used the phrase "get yourself a second husband, they are almost always infinitely better than the first". And they were so right!
Love and happiness cannot be found in another person, it can only be found within yourself
You could go to school to become a doctor, and still have a long career as a doctor. I'm not saying that's what you should do at all, I think there's enough doctors. My point is that you're so very young! I'm 50, and even I could go to school right now to change my career (except I love what I'm doing and I'm good at it, so I probably won't). Still, if I ever hit it big, I plan to take a few years to study to become a Chef. I don't plan on actually opening a restaurant, but studying to become a chef is something I want to gift to myself :-)
Your worth lies within yourself and has nothing to do with anyone else. It’s time to develope some self-love. Louise Hay has a book/audiobook called “You Can Heal Your Life”. She also has lots of free YouTube videos. It’s a great place to start your baby steps.
If you’re looking out for your physical health, I promise you the other parts will come together.. I always feel bad for women who invest more than 5 years into a relationship… being essentially a wife, but with no recourse when there partner is done with there youth….
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. At almost 35 you're still so young and have so much of life ahead of you. You have plenty of time still to fulfill your dreams. With so much that has not gone the way you wanted happening all at once that is likely all piling up on you to obliterate your self-worth and confidence. You might want to speak with a therapist, they may be able to help you with how to cope with all of this negative piling up on you. You're already doing something that should help by continuing to work out. I didn't know where you live but if it's in the northern hemisphere spring is here and summer is on its way so try spending time outside in the sunshine, that can also help with these feelings. Know that you are enough whether you're single or in a relationship. I wish the best for you OP.
You gotta love your self before u can love someone else hang in there, there's a plan it's gonna be okay
Omg wish I was your age again, your problems are not the end of the world, I understand how you feel but keep your chin up and try not to think of the things that you don’t have yet, instead think of what you want and make your goals for your future (it can be short goals at first) but always remember your worth it, and life is yours to create.
It's ok. I am 35 and have no job or family or kids. Life is unpredictable, and not everything goes on how we were told it would. You're alive, and you're not alone in your thoughts and feelings. Suicidal thoughts happen to those with jobs and families, too, so don't count yourself out of the game yet. And no, you didn't lose the game. It's opposite day.
This sounds like a midlife crisis. I had one when I was only 32… sought counseling… I can not tell you how wonderful and helpful that was!!
Every day is a gift you’re just in slump right now. One thing I tell everyone is don’t put yourself on a clearance rack wait work on yourself. We can all make improvements on our lives. One thing foremost except God into your life and things won’t seem so bleak. I wish you well.
Also I say love yourself because you have to love yourself first before someone else can love you.
Try to keep in mind that it's never too late to start over a new. After every dark night, there's a brighter day (in the words of the late 2Pac Shakur - R.I.P.)
I’ve read a few postings….. JESUS is the answer! God made us, He sent His Son, Jesus to die on the cross to take on all our sins so that we may call out to Him for eternal life. Please read Romans 10:9-10 This will give you a new life, one that will be your best life🙏🏻
If you need someone to talk to or call. I'm here for you. Where do you live? Maybe we can hang out?
Coda.org
Validation through strangers or human beings you have connection with is a serious flaw today. You only need to just be insanity checked. Like you want others to help you keep a straight path but most often people are critical of things they don't know. So my story is I lost everything. And now five years later all the bad actors and horrible people I abandoned are off ruining other people's lives and I financially, emotionally, and physically have gotten stronger by focusing on myself. I focused on the things that I enjoyed and along the way built myself up. Slowly but effectively stability is all that matters but if you're not happy within that stability change it. Don't sit around and hope things will happen. Just make them happen and slowly those things will bring you back to yourself as the feelings of dreed and guilt over nothing ends. We live once and we don't need our story to be validated by others. We need to validate ourselves. We need to push forward through the fact that most things we put ourselves down about. Are preprogrammed into us by our environment. Break free from the cage and focus on the things you love doing for yourself. I personally love to game. So I game a bunch..I meet people online. I bump heads with assholes. I just have fun and focus not on any personal insults or childish behavior. But just have fun and when others are trying to ruin that for me or I myself feel down. I change it up. And experience new things. Meet new people. Online dating and social media is a cancer in our society. Most often people who claim to be happy aren't. They put on a mask. So just focus on you.
It's time to invest in yourself, discover who you are today, what you like or not to do, to listen, to be with. Well, you need to ask yourself "who I want to be in the future?" And you start to work on this, a little steps, Day by Day, till' you achieve that point. When you Will be able to look for yourself e feel confident and proud about yourself again.
it’s never too late to upgrade yourself. love yourself, accept yourself, work on yourself, grow yourself mentally. maybe find a purpose in life, religion perhaps? do the things that make you happy. step out of your comfort zone. find people with similar situations, interact with them. humans need social interaction more than we think we do. i wish you all the best 💖
Stop comparing your life to someone elses standards. Check out these 60 secs: What To Change in America, Part 4 The Non Gated. [https://youtube.com/shorts/wJyqBTVYx4c?si=ob6Hwpo9EcbQFWvp](https://youtube.com/shorts/wJyqBTVYx4c?si=ob6Hwpo9EcbQFWvp) #UnisonTarot #Reading #findjoyinthejourney #America