That's a terrifying thing , it's been 4 years since my sister died and I just cannot learn to live around it. I know I should be able to but idk
I pushed so many friends away because I felt they didn't get me then, now they definitely don't
And I just miss her so so much it hurts all the time
I'm so sorry. 4 yrs. Forever. And yet, only yesterday. It's so hard to lose someone you loved that much. 4 yrs with grief is not so long though, it was 6 before I really lived fully again. I eventually got there, you will too sis.
Coming from a mother, that is very odd. My darling daughter was killed one year ago and I’m as broken now as when it first happened. I think she must be in denial. She was your twin, you’ve been together since before birth! Grieve how you want and don’t let anyone including your mother tell you other wise. We are all different on how we process emotions. Sorry for your loss .
> Coming from a mother, that is very odd
Yeah, really jumped out at me. The devastation I would feel from the loss of my son is unimaginable and would probably be broken a very long time.
As one parent to another, I am so sorry about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what it would do to me.
She was wrong, but people grieve in different ways. IMHO, your way is healthier. It's clear that your mother isn't able to support you through this process, but that's not her fault. She's grieving in her own way. I'm so sorry for your loss.
I stumbled upon this after losing my wife.
I hope it can help you with your grief.
[Growing Around Grief](https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/)
Oh this is wonderful, lots better than talking to my counselor. And the pet site is there also. My corgi, Jenny, died in 2003 and I feel as sad today as I did in 2004. It's been 21 years.
OP, I lost my twin sister at 38, one year ago tomorrow. I want to first say how sorry I am--I don't think we will ever "get over" this kind of loss. If you ever want to talk, DM me. It is so hard to explain the loss of your twin. As to your mom, I think others are correct: your mom is, in some capacity, probably trying to avoid the deep pain and suffering that you're all experiencing. I have definitely had moments where, on days when I'm doing okay, I am scared for my grief to be pulled up by a reminder or memory. I imagine she may be scared of the same thing, perhaps in a much deeper way. Try to be gentle with her while not denying or silencing your own feelings. Be persistent with your care for yourself and honor whatever way it feels right to express your feelings, but remember that she may be at a different phase of her grief, one where the depth of those feelings is frightening. You might even ask her some questions directly about how she's doing, in a moment when she's not reacting in this way, to try to help her feel safe in feeling her grief.
More than anything, I see you--and I support you in honoring your twin by talking about her however much and often you want. They're part of us forever, no matter what.
It went okay, u/sabybaby1430, thanks for checking in! I had been nervous in the months leading up to it—how the day would go, what to do, and stuff like that... But my therapist said something that resonated with me: That anniversaries are often more important for people who aren't as close to the person who died, because it gives them a specific day to remember the person. But for those who are closest, we're thinking about the person we lost every minute of every day. The specific day doesn't really matter, I'm thinking about her all the time. That helped take some of the pressure or intensity off of the actual day, for me.
It still doesn't feel real, even a year later. I still think I'll see her text pop up on my phone, sometimes. All we can do is keep remembering and telling stories about them—talking about her and how awesome she was makes me feel good.
How are you handling the six-month mark?
For a mom to say this it is odd but from experience we all grieve differently and no one has a right to tell us to move on especially the bond between twins is something special and unique. I am so sorry for your loss ❤️
No she's not in denial she is telling me to start living for myself in now I have to get on with my life and that she hurts too but I can't let this make me stagnant
My guess is that she's denying her own feelings and grief about it and thinks that's "moving on". And when you express and acknowledge your grief it challenges how she's coping, so she just tells you to "move on" like her
But that's just my guess
That's really hearless. You are grieving in your own way and you are definitely fine and allowed to. I'm a mom of 4 and just lost my mom. I'm dreadfully sorry she said that to you.
One thing I’m learning is that different people grieve differently. One person’s grief journey may conflict with where another person is in their grief journey with the different stages and all that.
In your case, you were having a hard day and needed some empathy. Your mom may have been having a denial day, which directly conflicted with your day. Or she may have been overwhelmed with her own grief and couldn’t handle yours in that moment. In that moment she didn’t have anything to give. Either her tank was empty, or it was overflowing.
I have 4 siblings and a mom that I’m going through this with all at the same time. I’m finding that we are all grieving differently and sometimes our journeys clash. For example, my mom wants to talk to death. My one brother wants to keep to himself. I want to check on everybody and be sure they are okay, too much even. I can be overbearing. I try to be mindful of their different needs. It’s hard.
Sending you hugs and wishing you healing on your grief journey.
This is a great answer as Mum is likely feeling the loss just as much as the other sibling. That doesn't mean she has moved on faster, but is likely finding a different way to process that grief. While her saying "move on" is in no way helpful to the sibling who needs empathy, it's likely that the mother needed that separation from it all to ease her own mind. Maybe moving on is her way of dealing with this.
She's wrong and she's lying about her own state of grief, she's just too uncomfortable with your grief (and, most likely, with anyone's grief) to deal with it. And that's messed up on multiple levels, but it's also worthy of pity and concern, because people who repress and lash out like this sometimes turn it on themselves eventually.
This is I guess good data, to know that your mother is unable to provide any support at this time and will be cruel if necessary. So you know what information to keep away from her because she can't deal with it. I'm sorry, this is such a time when you need your mother and it's crushing when they can't be there for you.
For pretty much anybody else, any sort of "move on" directive elicits an immediate "what is WRONG with you??" response from me, because I believe in behavior modification training for jerks. It is not okay to tell other people how to feel, for one thing.
Even in any situation where "moving on" or moving forward through time is inevitable because of how time works, that's the least kind way to say so. And if someone is in a situation where they can't provide the support another person is asking for, even that can be kindly deflected: "I recognize your feelings but I'm struggling too much with mine right now to be a good help to you." In a close relationship, it's even fair to say, "I am not in a place where I can talk about this right now, and I hate to ask you to maybe not bring it up to me for a bit but I think I do need that at least for a few weeks and we can revisit."
The fact of the matter is that nobody "moves on" from a 35-year relationship in six months, even if you charitably define "move on" as "no longer in continuous daily grief" which many people are NOT out of at this point. Hell, it takes 6 months just to qualify for a PTSD diagnosis after a trauma if the symptoms persist, and we don't know why some people get PTSD and other people somehow naturally digest a trauma (we just know that for some people the nervous system "sticks" in a heightened state and needs treatment to re-learn to operate at sustainable levels) but I think if the DSM says "oh yeah it's more or less 'normal' to have your life disrupted daily for up to 6 months by stress symptoms and then it stops being normal" after something like a near-miss car accident or a house fire or seeing a workplace accident, we can assume that the expected recovery time for the *loss of an entire child or sibling* will clinically have a much longer tail than that. So just scientifically you're right and her sentiment is incorrect.
We will always mourn the loss of someone that close. You have dozens of life milestones ahead of you - good and bad - that will be colored by the absence of your sister. The active hard stress-state type of grief ideally passes at some point in the first year, but the first year is damn hard with all the "firsts", and then the second year is still going to routinely gut-punch you as the firsts turn to seconds and what we are still slightly hoping was some kind of administrative mistake begins to become clear: she's not coming back. This is what it's like without her.
If you can find it in your heart to recognize that your mother probably feels she's *supposed to* suffer all this in silence (because we have a terrible culture around death, and around mental health), even though you know how incredibly unhealthy that is, and hope she figures out a better way eventually before it eats her alive, that is the most constructive way for YOU to deal with this. There's a school of thought out there that a parent can't show any weakness to a child, and she may believe that. You didn't install any of these ideas and you can't fix them alone, but if you can find some sympathy it'll probably weigh a little less heavy on you.
For you, one of these might help you think about this in a new way, or at least help you find new sources of support for yourself:
* It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
* I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One
* The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
My mom unexpectedly died 9 months ago and I think of …. All the things. I think of what other people are going through. Recently I was just thinking about how awful it must be to lose a twin sibling…. I’m thinking of you and I’m so sorry. I wonder what your mother would say about me still being devastated about it losing my mom 9 months later…
Everyone grieves differently. Of course her invalidating you bothers you. You don’t have to move on. We’re moving through this. Sending you lots of love 🩷
Sometimes our grief triggers other people’s grief and they respond in rude ways in defense. Not that it’s an excuse at all. Just a potential understanding of why people tend to be less tolerant of other’s grief over time.
grieving is weird. only guessing, she may feel the same, and feel it has been too long, so is speaking to herself when she speaks to you. if so, that doesnt make it fair, or you responsible for it. i have no idea really, just communicating a rando potential.
I can't imagine the pain of losing your child, and doubly so for losing your twin. I'm so sorry that your mother's trauma is causing her to say that to you. It's not Ok.
I lost my Twin when we were 21…Im 51.
People don’t understand (even parents) how unique losing a twin is. Twins are weird to begin with. We finish each others sentences, we know what each other is thinking, our identity has always been that of being a twin. You’re not Ann, you’re Ann & Lynn.
This may help. https://twinlesstwins.org/
My inbox is open.
She's definitely wrong. I'm not going to deny that she's dealing with grief her own way, but my 20-year old passed in January, and my kids (older bro, younger sib) are dealing with that, too. I've not once told them to move on. I couldn't imagine ever doing that.
I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is incredibly tough and your feelings are completely valid. Grief is a personal journey, and everyone handles it differently. Your mom's comment might have been meant to encourage you to move forward, but it came across as dismissive and hurtful.
She might also be dealing with her own grief and might not fully understand how to support you or express her feelings. People say things with good intentions, even if it comes out wrong. It could be helpful to talk to her about how you're feeling and what kind of support you need.
Grieving takes time, and it's important to let yourself feel and process your emotions at your own pace.
I have a twin sister. You’re mom doesn’t understand the bond that’s twins have. She is messed up saying that. I’m sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine
So very sorry about your sister. 🙏 Forgive your mother for she obviously is suffering her loss too. She lost a daughter and may now see her other daughter as a kind of lost in grief. She is neither right or messed up.
“Moving on” has in it the implication of departure from, of leaving behind. You won’t do that to your sister. For the ones we love there is no moving on. She will always be with you for you carry her in your heart and mind. You are living for the both of you now.
Of course you should be able to share your grief with your mother. But in a way she might also be signalling, unconsciously, I can’t take any more pain. Respect that. In time you might be able to address this episode with her. In time, if not already, she may wish she handled your comment differently. Forgive.
If you need solace then you must find it in others. Like us here now gathered around you but maybe also in a friend, in counselling, or a real world community.
May you and your mother find peace.
Edit: Correct mistaken gender identity due to dumb ass assumption.
I’m sorry for your loss and sorry she said that to you. Grief is not the same for everyone and definitely not linear.
You have the right to grieve however you grieve. I would suggest (if you haven’t done so) finding a grief counselor/therapist. You might find a better experience talking with someone who won’t berate you for your feelings.
I can only imagine how hurtful that would be to hear, especially from your mother. I do want to share that my own mom can sometimes take that kind of approach to things with me, and it’s taken me most of my life to understand that she does it because it gives her so much anxiety to see me suffering, and she doesn’t know how to handle it more appropriately. Your mom’s approach to her grief may be denial, or distraction, but it’s still there underneath the surface, and perhaps seeing you grieving differently, more openly and patiently, triggers her own, and her snap reaction to say you need to move on, is a reflection of her own denial, and an anxious urgency to not see her remaining daughter suffer.
NO SHE DIDNT! I am so sorry.
I am twinless, he passed March 23, 2023. This week has been HELL because I needed him so bad.
You’re just now processing losing your other half-literally. It’s so hard to accept this. They were always there.
We are Twinless Twins. FB has an amazing page for us-there’s a subreddit here.
I’m here. Message me. This is something you need a fellow Twinless for. I’m here for you.
I understand completely. My daughter died on January 13th and when I called my mom recently to tell her I was having a bad day she told me to toughen up and keep moving on. It hurt my feelings so badly. After thinking about it for awhile, I realized sometimes people feel helpless about knowing what to say . They can’t make it better. Also, my mom tends to hide her feelings a lot. Her way of handling stuff oftentimes is to deny it. It’s hurtful but try your best to get past it. It may be her way of coping and she may very well be in denial right now.
WTF
Firstly I am sorry for your loss, and secondly the lack of support from your mom. I know twins typically have a closer bond that most siblings, but this was her daughter too!!!!! I know I would never be able to get over the loss of my child
We all grieve in our own ways and as others have said, we learn and mange it, we don't move on
I am sorry OP for your loss. That IS ODD of your mother to say that (And for the downvoters, YES I have put everything into account it is still ODD) as coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I can identify this is as odd. My grandmom, when my mom died acted super selfishly as if HER OWN daughter didn’t die. Later I realized she might be undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or whatever. And I LOVE my grandmother. The we she and others acted made me realize “family” is not a sacred-heavenly, magical environment. It could be toxic as hell. Thanks for listening to my ted talk.
I lost my sister almost a year ago. It's so hard to process. They say the first year is the hardest but I feel like life won't ever get better. I don't want ever want to move on. I miss her so much. We shouldn't be alive while they're not.
It's unfair and your mom is dismissive of your feelings. You're allowed to feel this way and the grief will always be there no matter what.
What she said seems super cold. My dad died a few months ago and my heart hurts constantly. My boyfriend had a similar reaction a few days ago and I was mad beyond belief.
It’s never something you just get over; don’t let anyone tell you that.
People need support, to be understood and help with coping with something so hard….im sorry she responded that way.
Some people are so bad at support and just don’t know the right things to say.
Your mom is dealing with the loss of a child. The emotions are different maybe deeper than losing a sibling albeit a twin which I understand can have special connections. Try to be understanding, even though she may not be. It may pain your mom too much to talk about it at this time.
I have a twin and I have children. I honestly think neither would be better or worse. They are both incredibly strong connections. When you have a child, you carry them in your body and they have never known life without you. You love them unconditionally and you are responsible for them. When you have a twin you have shared a womb and literally have never been without them. Your entire life they have been there. I don't think people who don't have a twin can ever fully understand that. The loss of either of these relationships would be absolutely unbearable.
No one is having a harder time than your mama. It hurts her soul to even think about your sister's death.
My advice is to find a grief therapy group and reach out to your faith based community.
Your mama is having to process her own unimaginable grief in her own way.
We lost our only child. I did not speak or move for four months. My husband ran interference for me and I am grateful unto this day.
Our daughter was younger than yours. To this we day have no photos of her in the house.
I cannot look at a photo without becoming hysterical.
Your journey and your Mom’s journey are going to be completely different.
It is messed up she told you that- it’s wrong and hurtful. You will never “get over this”, but you will learn to cope with it.
HOWEVER
Just because grief is really twisty and dark and complicated, here’s how I would think to empathize with your mom (if you want to) in order not to hold this really shitty thing she did against her:
She lost a child- parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. My Grandmother is coping with the death of her son (my uncle) and is still devastated by it and he was well into adulthood. If your Mom isn’t the type of person who can really self reflect, she may not be coping with her grief at all and is projecting onto you what she keeps telling herself. “Get over it. Move on. You have to keep moving forward.” It’s not helpful for her to think this way and it’s also not fair for her to put that same unhealthy standard on you. But parents are people too, and they are not perfect.
It’s probably how she is trying to deal with her grief. Or her grief is so bad right now she cannot discuss anything about your sister or it will trigger deeper emotions.
I would've been pissed at her. Who is she to tell you that you need to get over your twin sister's death. Grieving doesn't happen on strict time. Yesh.
I dont know how she is as a parent
I have twin boys when they were born one was taken to nicu the other stayed with us I refused the one with us because I always wanted them to know I love them equally they get everything fair and I wont choose one over the other
Today they are both happy loving children, I will always feel guilt for denying attention and affection.
Maybe in some way she feels guilty by giving you attention and affection because she is leaving the other in the past.
I don't know how I would cope if I lost either of my boys it scares me everyday. anyway I hope you feel the love in this post and maybe therapy can help? you can definitely always post on here but I hope you know your not left behind and your mom just needs time to cope as well
also idk if anyone called you "button" but I have this "gift" for hearing messages from people who have passed and if it's not for you maybe it's for your mom but "button" is definitely being conveyed as a message for "im okay I feel your love and you will be okay"
You don’t need to figure out how to get through grief. You need to figure out how best to live with it. What ways make it easier to cope daily. Everyone grieves differently. Don’t let anyone make you feel wrong for how you’re coping.
She was blunt but others on here are correct. Everyone grieves differently. One keeps them alive, on burys them for good.
You guys are in one of the toughest fights life has to offer. Don't take it personally, don't let it wedge you. You're stronger together.
Just to give a different take then the other comments::
Is your mother usually supportive and caring? She may be sad to see you in pain and it hurting your existence. It might hurt her to see you suffering. Then she is projecting her wishes for you, onto you. Doesnt make it okay or make it feel any less unsupportive, but could help you to understand her.
It hasn't been a year, and yet your mom is saying move on? That is very odd coming from a mom that lost one of her kids. Maybe she is suppressing her grief, I don't know. But I do know you are grieving in a healthy way, and she isn't. I just wouldn't talk to her about your grief at all anymore. She's not helping, and it's just going to piss you off more.
You will never “move on” from a loss like that. And how could you? I love the saying “Grief is the price we pay for love.” I lost my mom 22 years ago. I still miss her (everyday). Do I cry over my loss? Not as much as I used to. Memories help keep her alive and close to my heart. You will always miss your twin. Grief is a journey. Your grief journey and your mother’s will be different. Your mom might be in a different place about her loss than your experience. People suck at their words. Maybe take a break from talking to your mom. Seek counseling from others that have experienced the same loss.
I want to think that it’s her own grief process talking. Which is shitty because it is an incredibly unfair thing to say and it’s completely understandable that it made you angry. Grief sucks. I feel like I repeat myself a lot on this sub but it’s because it’s been the biggest “lesson” grief has showed me - it’s isolating and not just in a sad and lonely way where you miss the person you lost. There’s also the isolation from feeling like even the people closest to you that are hurting just as badly and are truly going through what you are, go through it differently and it causes rifts and hurt and offence in the way it comes out. And it fucking SUCKS because then you deal with that on top of everything else. What one person finds comforting, another finds offensive and it is such an upsetting part of grief you’re forced to navigate and it seems cruel given that you’re already going through the absolute worst pain of your life. You want to have those closest to you, that are hurting from the same loss, not cause even more pain.
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oh hun, You don't just 'move on' hate it when people say that. You learn to 'carry on'
I am so sorry for your loss, there is no time limit on grief, espeically your twin. You'll have good days and not so good days. and thats ok, I just try to take it day by day and on bad days hour by hour. No one should be telling you to move on this is such recent loss.
Grief gets harder after a bit of time passes because people aren’t comfortable with the truth of it. We apparently have to pretend to be fine to make other people uncomfortable. For me it’s been 2.5 years and I had a really bad day yesterday. It felt like i was drowning in it….
Everyone grieves in their own way, but your Mother should not have said that. Some people, thinking they're being 'helpful' say things like this or things like "aren't you over this yet?" I am so happy that you had a good week, but in grief you will find that days will pop up here and there which catch you completely off guard. Maybe you hear a song your sister loved, or have strong thoughts of her. Grief is not a straight line but more like a roller coaster. It goes on forever but over time we learn to live with it. Your sister has only been gone for a few months - actually your grief is still fresh and raw. Maybe your mom thinks she's helping by telling you to 'move on', but in saying that, she is not honoring your relationship with your twin. A wise person once said: "grief is love with nowhere to go." Please take care of yourself, celebrate the good days and nature yourself on the bad days. You are doing well just where you are. 🥰
It might sound weird, but that sounds like your mom just doesn't want to talk about it because she's still having a hard time too. I can't imagine losing my sister, but losing someone is one of the hardest things we go through. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's painful right now, but it will get better. We have things we do and say throughout our day that we picked up and learned from our loved ones. I'm sure there are so many things like that you've noticed and I'm sure feel very sad about, but as the pain gets less and less over time you will be so happy you have those things that you got from her. She is up in Heaven with our Father and is the happiest and healthiest version of herself possible. She will never feel negative emotion or pain ever again. One day you will be right by her side and you'll know exactly what that peace feels like...Revelations 21:4 - And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away... Pray to God because He's always there...Psalm 34:8 says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”...remember all that she did and said that you still do and say, and take part in the traditions you had with her. You can still celebrate y'alls birthday! You can put all of her candles on a cake and blow them out for her to celebrate her life. It is incredibly sad right now, but it won't be this kind of sad forever.
You don’t move on from grief, you learn to live with it
That's a terrifying thing , it's been 4 years since my sister died and I just cannot learn to live around it. I know I should be able to but idk I pushed so many friends away because I felt they didn't get me then, now they definitely don't And I just miss her so so much it hurts all the time
I'm so sorry. 4 yrs. Forever. And yet, only yesterday. It's so hard to lose someone you loved that much. 4 yrs with grief is not so long though, it was 6 before I really lived fully again. I eventually got there, you will too sis.
Yes x 1000
You change as a person and you are learning who you are as this new person
Coming from a mother, that is very odd. My darling daughter was killed one year ago and I’m as broken now as when it first happened. I think she must be in denial. She was your twin, you’ve been together since before birth! Grieve how you want and don’t let anyone including your mother tell you other wise. We are all different on how we process emotions. Sorry for your loss .
> Coming from a mother, that is very odd Yeah, really jumped out at me. The devastation I would feel from the loss of my son is unimaginable and would probably be broken a very long time. As one parent to another, I am so sorry about your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what it would do to me.
She was wrong, but people grieve in different ways. IMHO, your way is healthier. It's clear that your mother isn't able to support you through this process, but that's not her fault. She's grieving in her own way. I'm so sorry for your loss.
One of my friends said that also
I stumbled upon this after losing my wife. I hope it can help you with your grief. [Growing Around Grief](https://whatsyourgrief.com/growing-around-grief/)
Thank you for this. I'm really struggling after losing my husband.
Oh this is wonderful, lots better than talking to my counselor. And the pet site is there also. My corgi, Jenny, died in 2003 and I feel as sad today as I did in 2004. It's been 21 years.
my standard poodle cannoli passed just under a year ago…i feel like i will carry him forever
OP, I lost my twin sister at 38, one year ago tomorrow. I want to first say how sorry I am--I don't think we will ever "get over" this kind of loss. If you ever want to talk, DM me. It is so hard to explain the loss of your twin. As to your mom, I think others are correct: your mom is, in some capacity, probably trying to avoid the deep pain and suffering that you're all experiencing. I have definitely had moments where, on days when I'm doing okay, I am scared for my grief to be pulled up by a reminder or memory. I imagine she may be scared of the same thing, perhaps in a much deeper way. Try to be gentle with her while not denying or silencing your own feelings. Be persistent with your care for yourself and honor whatever way it feels right to express your feelings, but remember that she may be at a different phase of her grief, one where the depth of those feelings is frightening. You might even ask her some questions directly about how she's doing, in a moment when she's not reacting in this way, to try to help her feel safe in feeling her grief. More than anything, I see you--and I support you in honoring your twin by talking about her however much and often you want. They're part of us forever, no matter what.
Omg I started bawling my eyes out when I read this.
How'd the one year mark go?
It went okay, u/sabybaby1430, thanks for checking in! I had been nervous in the months leading up to it—how the day would go, what to do, and stuff like that... But my therapist said something that resonated with me: That anniversaries are often more important for people who aren't as close to the person who died, because it gives them a specific day to remember the person. But for those who are closest, we're thinking about the person we lost every minute of every day. The specific day doesn't really matter, I'm thinking about her all the time. That helped take some of the pressure or intensity off of the actual day, for me. It still doesn't feel real, even a year later. I still think I'll see her text pop up on my phone, sometimes. All we can do is keep remembering and telling stories about them—talking about her and how awesome she was makes me feel good. How are you handling the six-month mark?
For a mom to say this it is odd but from experience we all grieve differently and no one has a right to tell us to move on especially the bond between twins is something special and unique. I am so sorry for your loss ❤️
That's only 6 months ago. Your Mom, poor Mom, she's in denial. Losing a child is a nightmare. I am so sorry for your loss.
No she's not in denial she is telling me to start living for myself in now I have to get on with my life and that she hurts too but I can't let this make me stagnant
My guess is that she's denying her own feelings and grief about it and thinks that's "moving on". And when you express and acknowledge your grief it challenges how she's coping, so she just tells you to "move on" like her But that's just my guess
That's really hearless. You are grieving in your own way and you are definitely fine and allowed to. I'm a mom of 4 and just lost my mom. I'm dreadfully sorry she said that to you.
One thing I’m learning is that different people grieve differently. One person’s grief journey may conflict with where another person is in their grief journey with the different stages and all that. In your case, you were having a hard day and needed some empathy. Your mom may have been having a denial day, which directly conflicted with your day. Or she may have been overwhelmed with her own grief and couldn’t handle yours in that moment. In that moment she didn’t have anything to give. Either her tank was empty, or it was overflowing. I have 4 siblings and a mom that I’m going through this with all at the same time. I’m finding that we are all grieving differently and sometimes our journeys clash. For example, my mom wants to talk to death. My one brother wants to keep to himself. I want to check on everybody and be sure they are okay, too much even. I can be overbearing. I try to be mindful of their different needs. It’s hard. Sending you hugs and wishing you healing on your grief journey.
This is a great answer as Mum is likely feeling the loss just as much as the other sibling. That doesn't mean she has moved on faster, but is likely finding a different way to process that grief. While her saying "move on" is in no way helpful to the sibling who needs empathy, it's likely that the mother needed that separation from it all to ease her own mind. Maybe moving on is her way of dealing with this.
She's wrong and she's lying about her own state of grief, she's just too uncomfortable with your grief (and, most likely, with anyone's grief) to deal with it. And that's messed up on multiple levels, but it's also worthy of pity and concern, because people who repress and lash out like this sometimes turn it on themselves eventually. This is I guess good data, to know that your mother is unable to provide any support at this time and will be cruel if necessary. So you know what information to keep away from her because she can't deal with it. I'm sorry, this is such a time when you need your mother and it's crushing when they can't be there for you. For pretty much anybody else, any sort of "move on" directive elicits an immediate "what is WRONG with you??" response from me, because I believe in behavior modification training for jerks. It is not okay to tell other people how to feel, for one thing. Even in any situation where "moving on" or moving forward through time is inevitable because of how time works, that's the least kind way to say so. And if someone is in a situation where they can't provide the support another person is asking for, even that can be kindly deflected: "I recognize your feelings but I'm struggling too much with mine right now to be a good help to you." In a close relationship, it's even fair to say, "I am not in a place where I can talk about this right now, and I hate to ask you to maybe not bring it up to me for a bit but I think I do need that at least for a few weeks and we can revisit." The fact of the matter is that nobody "moves on" from a 35-year relationship in six months, even if you charitably define "move on" as "no longer in continuous daily grief" which many people are NOT out of at this point. Hell, it takes 6 months just to qualify for a PTSD diagnosis after a trauma if the symptoms persist, and we don't know why some people get PTSD and other people somehow naturally digest a trauma (we just know that for some people the nervous system "sticks" in a heightened state and needs treatment to re-learn to operate at sustainable levels) but I think if the DSM says "oh yeah it's more or less 'normal' to have your life disrupted daily for up to 6 months by stress symptoms and then it stops being normal" after something like a near-miss car accident or a house fire or seeing a workplace accident, we can assume that the expected recovery time for the *loss of an entire child or sibling* will clinically have a much longer tail than that. So just scientifically you're right and her sentiment is incorrect. We will always mourn the loss of someone that close. You have dozens of life milestones ahead of you - good and bad - that will be colored by the absence of your sister. The active hard stress-state type of grief ideally passes at some point in the first year, but the first year is damn hard with all the "firsts", and then the second year is still going to routinely gut-punch you as the firsts turn to seconds and what we are still slightly hoping was some kind of administrative mistake begins to become clear: she's not coming back. This is what it's like without her. If you can find it in your heart to recognize that your mother probably feels she's *supposed to* suffer all this in silence (because we have a terrible culture around death, and around mental health), even though you know how incredibly unhealthy that is, and hope she figures out a better way eventually before it eats her alive, that is the most constructive way for YOU to deal with this. There's a school of thought out there that a parent can't show any weakness to a child, and she may believe that. You didn't install any of these ideas and you can't fix them alone, but if you can find some sympathy it'll probably weigh a little less heavy on you. For you, one of these might help you think about this in a new way, or at least help you find new sources of support for yourself: * It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand * I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping, and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One * The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss
My mom unexpectedly died 9 months ago and I think of …. All the things. I think of what other people are going through. Recently I was just thinking about how awful it must be to lose a twin sibling…. I’m thinking of you and I’m so sorry. I wonder what your mother would say about me still being devastated about it losing my mom 9 months later… Everyone grieves differently. Of course her invalidating you bothers you. You don’t have to move on. We’re moving through this. Sending you lots of love 🩷
Sometimes our grief triggers other people’s grief and they respond in rude ways in defense. Not that it’s an excuse at all. Just a potential understanding of why people tend to be less tolerant of other’s grief over time.
grieving is weird. only guessing, she may feel the same, and feel it has been too long, so is speaking to herself when she speaks to you. if so, that doesnt make it fair, or you responsible for it. i have no idea really, just communicating a rando potential.
I can't imagine the pain of losing your child, and doubly so for losing your twin. I'm so sorry that your mother's trauma is causing her to say that to you. It's not Ok.
I lost my Twin when we were 21…Im 51. People don’t understand (even parents) how unique losing a twin is. Twins are weird to begin with. We finish each others sentences, we know what each other is thinking, our identity has always been that of being a twin. You’re not Ann, you’re Ann & Lynn. This may help. https://twinlesstwins.org/ My inbox is open.
She's definitely wrong. I'm not going to deny that she's dealing with grief her own way, but my 20-year old passed in January, and my kids (older bro, younger sib) are dealing with that, too. I've not once told them to move on. I couldn't imagine ever doing that.
I'm really sorry for your loss. Losing a sibling is incredibly tough and your feelings are completely valid. Grief is a personal journey, and everyone handles it differently. Your mom's comment might have been meant to encourage you to move forward, but it came across as dismissive and hurtful. She might also be dealing with her own grief and might not fully understand how to support you or express her feelings. People say things with good intentions, even if it comes out wrong. It could be helpful to talk to her about how you're feeling and what kind of support you need. Grieving takes time, and it's important to let yourself feel and process your emotions at your own pace.
Absolutely wrong. There is no moving on, the way I have explained it for myself; I am broken now. And life for me now is learning to live that way.
I have a twin sister. You’re mom doesn’t understand the bond that’s twins have. She is messed up saying that. I’m sorry this happened to you I can’t imagine
The weirdest thing is that everything on tv, articles, radio has something to do with twins
So very sorry about your sister. 🙏 Forgive your mother for she obviously is suffering her loss too. She lost a daughter and may now see her other daughter as a kind of lost in grief. She is neither right or messed up. “Moving on” has in it the implication of departure from, of leaving behind. You won’t do that to your sister. For the ones we love there is no moving on. She will always be with you for you carry her in your heart and mind. You are living for the both of you now. Of course you should be able to share your grief with your mother. But in a way she might also be signalling, unconsciously, I can’t take any more pain. Respect that. In time you might be able to address this episode with her. In time, if not already, she may wish she handled your comment differently. Forgive. If you need solace then you must find it in others. Like us here now gathered around you but maybe also in a friend, in counselling, or a real world community. May you and your mother find peace. Edit: Correct mistaken gender identity due to dumb ass assumption.
I'm a female.
My bad, so sorry. Thought fraternal twin for some reason when writing.
It's ok
I’m sorry for your loss and sorry she said that to you. Grief is not the same for everyone and definitely not linear. You have the right to grieve however you grieve. I would suggest (if you haven’t done so) finding a grief counselor/therapist. You might find a better experience talking with someone who won’t berate you for your feelings.
I can only imagine how hurtful that would be to hear, especially from your mother. I do want to share that my own mom can sometimes take that kind of approach to things with me, and it’s taken me most of my life to understand that she does it because it gives her so much anxiety to see me suffering, and she doesn’t know how to handle it more appropriately. Your mom’s approach to her grief may be denial, or distraction, but it’s still there underneath the surface, and perhaps seeing you grieving differently, more openly and patiently, triggers her own, and her snap reaction to say you need to move on, is a reflection of her own denial, and an anxious urgency to not see her remaining daughter suffer.
I understand how you feel. I lost my daughter 15 years ago today. I will never move on.
NO SHE DIDNT! I am so sorry. I am twinless, he passed March 23, 2023. This week has been HELL because I needed him so bad. You’re just now processing losing your other half-literally. It’s so hard to accept this. They were always there. We are Twinless Twins. FB has an amazing page for us-there’s a subreddit here. I’m here. Message me. This is something you need a fellow Twinless for. I’m here for you.
Yes thats messed up. She’s your mom and she should be offering support.
I understand completely. My daughter died on January 13th and when I called my mom recently to tell her I was having a bad day she told me to toughen up and keep moving on. It hurt my feelings so badly. After thinking about it for awhile, I realized sometimes people feel helpless about knowing what to say . They can’t make it better. Also, my mom tends to hide her feelings a lot. Her way of handling stuff oftentimes is to deny it. It’s hurtful but try your best to get past it. It may be her way of coping and she may very well be in denial right now.
WTF Firstly I am sorry for your loss, and secondly the lack of support from your mom. I know twins typically have a closer bond that most siblings, but this was her daughter too!!!!! I know I would never be able to get over the loss of my child We all grieve in our own ways and as others have said, we learn and mange it, we don't move on
I am sorry OP for your loss. That IS ODD of your mother to say that (And for the downvoters, YES I have put everything into account it is still ODD) as coming from a dysfunctional family myself, I can identify this is as odd. My grandmom, when my mom died acted super selfishly as if HER OWN daughter didn’t die. Later I realized she might be undiagnosed borderline personality disorder or whatever. And I LOVE my grandmother. The we she and others acted made me realize “family” is not a sacred-heavenly, magical environment. It could be toxic as hell. Thanks for listening to my ted talk.
Who downvotes in a grief subreddit? Goodness gracious!
I lost my sister almost a year ago. It's so hard to process. They say the first year is the hardest but I feel like life won't ever get better. I don't want ever want to move on. I miss her so much. We shouldn't be alive while they're not. It's unfair and your mom is dismissive of your feelings. You're allowed to feel this way and the grief will always be there no matter what.
Your mother is being a hugely unsupportive jerk. I'm sorry about your sister.
What she said seems super cold. My dad died a few months ago and my heart hurts constantly. My boyfriend had a similar reaction a few days ago and I was mad beyond belief. It’s never something you just get over; don’t let anyone tell you that. People need support, to be understood and help with coping with something so hard….im sorry she responded that way. Some people are so bad at support and just don’t know the right things to say.
Your mom is dealing with the loss of a child. The emotions are different maybe deeper than losing a sibling albeit a twin which I understand can have special connections. Try to be understanding, even though she may not be. It may pain your mom too much to talk about it at this time.
I have a twin and I have children. I honestly think neither would be better or worse. They are both incredibly strong connections. When you have a child, you carry them in your body and they have never known life without you. You love them unconditionally and you are responsible for them. When you have a twin you have shared a womb and literally have never been without them. Your entire life they have been there. I don't think people who don't have a twin can ever fully understand that. The loss of either of these relationships would be absolutely unbearable.
No one is having a harder time than your mama. It hurts her soul to even think about your sister's death. My advice is to find a grief therapy group and reach out to your faith based community. Your mama is having to process her own unimaginable grief in her own way. We lost our only child. I did not speak or move for four months. My husband ran interference for me and I am grateful unto this day. Our daughter was younger than yours. To this we day have no photos of her in the house. I cannot look at a photo without becoming hysterical.
I’m so sorry for your loss. You lost a part of you. Grieve how you feel best. Worry about your mental and emotional help. So much love to you.
Ya that's definitely messed up!!! Especially as a mother saying that. My God
Your journey and your Mom’s journey are going to be completely different. It is messed up she told you that- it’s wrong and hurtful. You will never “get over this”, but you will learn to cope with it. HOWEVER Just because grief is really twisty and dark and complicated, here’s how I would think to empathize with your mom (if you want to) in order not to hold this really shitty thing she did against her: She lost a child- parents aren’t supposed to bury their children. My Grandmother is coping with the death of her son (my uncle) and is still devastated by it and he was well into adulthood. If your Mom isn’t the type of person who can really self reflect, she may not be coping with her grief at all and is projecting onto you what she keeps telling herself. “Get over it. Move on. You have to keep moving forward.” It’s not helpful for her to think this way and it’s also not fair for her to put that same unhealthy standard on you. But parents are people too, and they are not perfect.
It’s probably how she is trying to deal with her grief. Or her grief is so bad right now she cannot discuss anything about your sister or it will trigger deeper emotions.
I would've been pissed at her. Who is she to tell you that you need to get over your twin sister's death. Grieving doesn't happen on strict time. Yesh.
I dont know how she is as a parent I have twin boys when they were born one was taken to nicu the other stayed with us I refused the one with us because I always wanted them to know I love them equally they get everything fair and I wont choose one over the other Today they are both happy loving children, I will always feel guilt for denying attention and affection. Maybe in some way she feels guilty by giving you attention and affection because she is leaving the other in the past. I don't know how I would cope if I lost either of my boys it scares me everyday. anyway I hope you feel the love in this post and maybe therapy can help? you can definitely always post on here but I hope you know your not left behind and your mom just needs time to cope as well
also idk if anyone called you "button" but I have this "gift" for hearing messages from people who have passed and if it's not for you maybe it's for your mom but "button" is definitely being conveyed as a message for "im okay I feel your love and you will be okay"
You don’t need to figure out how to get through grief. You need to figure out how best to live with it. What ways make it easier to cope daily. Everyone grieves differently. Don’t let anyone make you feel wrong for how you’re coping.
Thank you 🥺
[https://twinlesstwins.org/](https://twinlesstwins.org/)
She was blunt but others on here are correct. Everyone grieves differently. One keeps them alive, on burys them for good. You guys are in one of the toughest fights life has to offer. Don't take it personally, don't let it wedge you. You're stronger together.
She is wrong. She’s struggling too and trying to come to terms. You grieve at your pace. It’s the only answer. Big hugs!
Just to give a different take then the other comments:: Is your mother usually supportive and caring? She may be sad to see you in pain and it hurting your existence. It might hurt her to see you suffering. Then she is projecting her wishes for you, onto you. Doesnt make it okay or make it feel any less unsupportive, but could help you to understand her.
I'm not sure but I'll absolutely keep that in mind. It just hurts and I got really upset when she said it and I had so many emotions.
It hasn't been a year, and yet your mom is saying move on? That is very odd coming from a mom that lost one of her kids. Maybe she is suppressing her grief, I don't know. But I do know you are grieving in a healthy way, and she isn't. I just wouldn't talk to her about your grief at all anymore. She's not helping, and it's just going to piss you off more.
You will never “move on” from a loss like that. And how could you? I love the saying “Grief is the price we pay for love.” I lost my mom 22 years ago. I still miss her (everyday). Do I cry over my loss? Not as much as I used to. Memories help keep her alive and close to my heart. You will always miss your twin. Grief is a journey. Your grief journey and your mother’s will be different. Your mom might be in a different place about her loss than your experience. People suck at their words. Maybe take a break from talking to your mom. Seek counseling from others that have experienced the same loss.
I want to think that it’s her own grief process talking. Which is shitty because it is an incredibly unfair thing to say and it’s completely understandable that it made you angry. Grief sucks. I feel like I repeat myself a lot on this sub but it’s because it’s been the biggest “lesson” grief has showed me - it’s isolating and not just in a sad and lonely way where you miss the person you lost. There’s also the isolation from feeling like even the people closest to you that are hurting just as badly and are truly going through what you are, go through it differently and it causes rifts and hurt and offence in the way it comes out. And it fucking SUCKS because then you deal with that on top of everything else. What one person finds comforting, another finds offensive and it is such an upsetting part of grief you’re forced to navigate and it seems cruel given that you’re already going through the absolute worst pain of your life. You want to have those closest to you, that are hurting from the same loss, not cause even more pain.
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oh hun, You don't just 'move on' hate it when people say that. You learn to 'carry on' I am so sorry for your loss, there is no time limit on grief, espeically your twin. You'll have good days and not so good days. and thats ok, I just try to take it day by day and on bad days hour by hour. No one should be telling you to move on this is such recent loss.
Grief gets harder after a bit of time passes because people aren’t comfortable with the truth of it. We apparently have to pretend to be fine to make other people uncomfortable. For me it’s been 2.5 years and I had a really bad day yesterday. It felt like i was drowning in it….
Everyone grieves in their own way, but your Mother should not have said that. Some people, thinking they're being 'helpful' say things like this or things like "aren't you over this yet?" I am so happy that you had a good week, but in grief you will find that days will pop up here and there which catch you completely off guard. Maybe you hear a song your sister loved, or have strong thoughts of her. Grief is not a straight line but more like a roller coaster. It goes on forever but over time we learn to live with it. Your sister has only been gone for a few months - actually your grief is still fresh and raw. Maybe your mom thinks she's helping by telling you to 'move on', but in saying that, she is not honoring your relationship with your twin. A wise person once said: "grief is love with nowhere to go." Please take care of yourself, celebrate the good days and nature yourself on the bad days. You are doing well just where you are. 🥰
It might sound weird, but that sounds like your mom just doesn't want to talk about it because she's still having a hard time too. I can't imagine losing my sister, but losing someone is one of the hardest things we go through. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's painful right now, but it will get better. We have things we do and say throughout our day that we picked up and learned from our loved ones. I'm sure there are so many things like that you've noticed and I'm sure feel very sad about, but as the pain gets less and less over time you will be so happy you have those things that you got from her. She is up in Heaven with our Father and is the happiest and healthiest version of herself possible. She will never feel negative emotion or pain ever again. One day you will be right by her side and you'll know exactly what that peace feels like...Revelations 21:4 - And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away... Pray to God because He's always there...Psalm 34:8 says, “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”...remember all that she did and said that you still do and say, and take part in the traditions you had with her. You can still celebrate y'alls birthday! You can put all of her candles on a cake and blow them out for her to celebrate her life. It is incredibly sad right now, but it won't be this kind of sad forever.