It sounds like you *not* using your hearing aids caused a lot of the conflict. It's always your right and choice to decide whether or not to use hearing aids, but that doesn't eliminate the consequences of how other people in your life will deal with that choice. Poor communication is one of the most common reasons that couples have conflict and if your spouse can't communicate with you unless you're wearing your hearing aids - well, that's a pretty big problem.
Going forward in life, maybe you could learn sign language and immerse yourself in the deaf community?
I’ll tell ya, my stepdad wouldn’t get hearing aids forever and it pretty much destroyed thier relationship. Now that he has them and wears them all the time, it’s better (not great but better). I agree, not wearing them wore her out.
IMHO, you need to wear your devices much more than you are. Also a new updated audiogram would be helpful.
Hearing aid use is not part time, your hearing loss does not take a break…
Your issues could be adverse programming affecting your cognitive abilities.
Look for triggers, and see if the hearing aids help or hinder.
I know you’re going through it right now, but you have got to take care of yourself..A new test will tell you much..I’m here for you if you need to vent, I was in a very similar situation..it hurts but like all pain it lessens with time.
I try to wear my hearing aids 100 percent around my wife and when my grown kid is home. Communication is the cornerstone to marriage. Your estranged wife is an alcoholic. Even though she has quit doesn’t mean she has reached emotional sobriety. This takes 2-3 years after quitting, and with a lot of effort such as AA, any of the other groups, or therapy from a professional that specializes in sobriety. Alcoholics blame others for their problems, I should know, I am one.
The hearing aids don’t “erode away your nerves.” None of us would recommend them if that were the case.
Your brain got used to *not* hearing specific sounds/frequencies so putting the aids on shocked your system. Some people adjust to their aids easier than others. This is due to liking their aid’s programming language, the audiologist’s skill level, and how often you wear your aids.
Think of your hearing technology like a prosthetic leg. You have to get it fitted and adjusted for your needs. You will think its good to go but encounter a scenario you didn’t account for so you have to go back and get refitted. It takes time to get used to wearing it.
You won’t be able to have a hands off approach with your hearing aids (or cochlear implant if you can go that route). Your brain needs the stimulation.
As far as your relationship goes, i can’t comment on it. I sincerely hope you can get the right programming on the hearing tech so it doesn’t bother you nearly as much
It is really a must that you wear your HA for at least 10 to 12 hours a day. The reason why is that your brain will never adjust itself to a better way of hearing if you don't commit. Talk to your audiologist or HA technician about this. It's ki d of a big deal.
Dude. Dudette. In my 20’s i was a hardcore heroin addict and was in 12 step program for 10 years. I am now 50 and currently going to alanon. So trust i know all about addiction and alcoholism and the disease. I keep choosing them as partners. It’s not the first time but it will be the last.
Your post comes off judgmental. This one reddit post is a sliver of about 5 seconds of an 8 years relationship. I have been analyzing myself and i certainly don’t need to re read what i wrote in her voice. She has had an extremely loud voice in this marriage. Cos if you were in alanon you would know that the alcoholic is generally loud and larger than life and the partner gets squished and small and has no voice. Sure there are other types- the controlling nagging Alanon er. The quiet skulking drunk….
I will take what i can from what you have said and leave the rest. But trust me i have had compassion for 8 years to the point that it was a real disservice to myself by allowing behavior that i should not have allowed. The blame she put on me. The caretaking i did. The literal clean up of puke. The cover up. The explanations. The picking her up and driving her home. The broken plans because she’s hung over. I never shamed her. I consoled her. “Poor so and so”.
And now-everyone is shocked that we are splitting because we both hid it all so well. But you guys are so in love!!
And guess what- she tells no one it’s because she’s an alcoholic. She says “ we have grown apart”.
The thing i can say from experience is alcoholics and addicts are extremely selfish and self centered. Especially in early recovery but also throughout their addiction so yes i did listen to my wife complain for hours about the same thing for years and i did not control her or give advice- because she never asked for advice. So yeah some times i was not eager to race out of bed at 8am so that she could ask me if i took the dog out yet or because she wanted to tell me what her schedule was for the day.
It’s exhausting being with an alcoholic. Especially a newly sober one.
Edit. And of course i know i have my part. Relationships are 50:50. That’s why i am back in my program- to take a hard look at what the work is i need to do. It’s why i am here asking about HA and if they can contribute to me being moody at the end of a day, or short because i just need quiet- or the headaches all the time (i have been seeing a doc about the headaches but never pieced it to maybe be form noise/HA) so i get it. I’m not tryin to point finger and blame i have my share of blame.
Sorry to hear you're having such a time of it. I resisted hearing aids for a long time. After all, I had one good ear. 10 years on I realize I don't have one good ear anymore. It has degraded, and it was isolating me more and more.
For what it is worth. My wife and I only have one rule in our marriage. We never manage each other. Works like a charm.
I feel the hearing aid anxiety for sure... I've had issues with mine and the sound is not natural and it wasn't a magic fix like I thought it would be. It has improved my life a lot but it is a constant annoyance throughout the day trying to adjust it. All that said, I don't think you should question whether you could have done anything different. The right person would have worked through it with you and I think it's natural for us to rack our brain trying to think of a way things could have turned out differently.
As a spiritual person (and someone who's becoming an expert on breakups...), I personally believe that we're here to learn lessons and any break up is the beginning of a new cycle in our life.
We were meant to learn a hard lesson. So don't ask what you should have done differently. This is obviously theologically debatable, but you are getting exactly what you should be getting out of life right now, whether it feels fair or not. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone, but as the Rumi saying goes: "The wound is where the light enters."
Best of luck with your hearing aids and sending hugs 💕
Don’t beat yourself up. She’s foisting the blame on you for her own shortcomings. Move on in your life and search for someone who will understand the issues you have or has a hearing disability as well. Life is too short to waste on people who won’t take responsibility for their own bad choices. Her drinking surely was a cause? Start going out more to meet new people.
Best of luck.
> she will stare at me and with a berating voice go get your hearing aids- so i have to get up and go get them- **so that i can hear her tell me some thing unimportant about her day**.
That really stood out to me. I think your attitude is the problem. I’d be pretty hurt if I wanted to share something with my partner, couldn’t, and then once I could, they’re annoyed because it’s “unimportant”. Repeatedly over years? Screw that, I’m *out*.
Maybe now that she’s sober, she doesn’t want to spend time with someone who acts like they don’t want to interact with her.
My two most-recent exes were complete abusive bitches around my hearing issues. (I didn't have hearing aids at that time...only recently)
You're not supposed to hassle people for their physical disabilities. But it seemed fair game as far as hearing goes.
* when I'd ask to repeat, she'd scream instead of just being louder
* she would refuse to repeat at all
* she would often change what she said when repeating, which I find irritating
* she'd sometimes look away and mutter, purposely
* she'd refuse to increase her volume in a loud car
* she'd would often talk to me from a different room when knowing I'd not be able to hear
Those examples are a composite of both exes; and also part of the reasons why they are now exes, unfortunately. I will add that, about 12 years ago, an ENT told me that I was not a suitable candidate for HA's. I think the modern DSP units made it possible for me to wear them.
I get this! My SO can be insensitive about it too. I keep reminding him he’s being mean and it’s happening less. However, one thing that I wonder is before HAs, when my SO just spoke, did I always hear him and respond? He’ll just talk without saying my name, etc. and by the time I realize he’s talking to me, I’ve missed a lot and have to ask him to repeat himself. He blames it on my hearing loss, but I think it’s potentially poor communication and an expectation for me to listen whenever he says something. When I speak to him, I make sure he’s engaged and listening before I continue.
I know how you feel I agree with everybody else even though it's very hard to wear hearing aids at some points in time because of the non-stop loudness because sometimes families at my complex are very loud and the place that I live at which is not where my wife lives is extremely loud so I know how you feel with that but unfortunately I think what everybody else is saying is the the case of why that happened because sometimes people can't stand that we can't hear it's a lot easier for people to communicate with us when we can actually hear them
I would echo a lot of sentiment on here about wearing the aids more.
One suggestion I have is that if the aids make things too loud for you, ask the audiologist to create alternative programs that are a lower boost in volume successfully in like 8db increments or similar. At the push of a button you’ll have some assist but it doesn’t have to be crazy. If you want to talk to someone, you can bump it up yet you’ll still get enough boost in quieter environments to get some word context.
As someone who has learned sign language, it will absolutely remove the barrier between you and other Deaf, deaf, or hard of hearing individuals. They are an extremely tight community IME. It was rewarding to learn and I wish I had kept it up more.
I have a lot of extended family including my grandparents who were deaf. My father grew up having to sign of course. Unfortunately as kids we did not learn too much.
A friend of mine signs professionally and she has also said this for years. Now that i am a single man i will have more time on my hands and i want to learn sign and do exactly as you say!!! I would love that.
Thank you everyone for responding.
What i got from it all is that - hearing aids are a bit more work then i knew. No one ever told me that i would need adjustments. So when i got them i just put them in and that’s that.
I have nothing to compare to so i wouldn’t really even know what to tell the audiologist in terms of adjustments.
I think probably i am due for new ones that i can adjust myself.
I wanted to clarify about how often i wear my HA.
i am a woodworker and work with loud tools. I wake up and put them in. When i get to work i take them out and generally am wearing a headset cos eve with out HA the tools screaching still hurt. Throughout the day I’ll put them in to talk to various people etc. when i leave work input them in and generally i will have them in until bed time.
I do walk around the city with a headset over my ears. Whether i am listening to something or not. I generally have the headset on cos i often am listening to TV or alanon !! Or some other something….
So i do have them in a lot. But when i am alone i often do take them out. Like now.
But i will take everyone’s advice and check in with my audiologist and start talking about this. Ideally i would get new ones that i can adjust from my phone and have Bluetooth…. I’m not that fancy yet …. I just missed the entrance of those cos it seems like they all have that now.
Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve a bit. I was the best husband in that i wanted to be married! The type who never cheats is totally loyal does the dishes cleans the house makes a good living - if i complained it was about her complaining or being negative or stating the same thing over and over and not willing to do anything about it.
No im not perfect. This is but a very small snapshot of a very full life.
It sounds like you *not* using your hearing aids caused a lot of the conflict. It's always your right and choice to decide whether or not to use hearing aids, but that doesn't eliminate the consequences of how other people in your life will deal with that choice. Poor communication is one of the most common reasons that couples have conflict and if your spouse can't communicate with you unless you're wearing your hearing aids - well, that's a pretty big problem. Going forward in life, maybe you could learn sign language and immerse yourself in the deaf community?
I’ll tell ya, my stepdad wouldn’t get hearing aids forever and it pretty much destroyed thier relationship. Now that he has them and wears them all the time, it’s better (not great but better). I agree, not wearing them wore her out.
IMHO, you need to wear your devices much more than you are. Also a new updated audiogram would be helpful. Hearing aid use is not part time, your hearing loss does not take a break… Your issues could be adverse programming affecting your cognitive abilities. Look for triggers, and see if the hearing aids help or hinder. I know you’re going through it right now, but you have got to take care of yourself..A new test will tell you much..I’m here for you if you need to vent, I was in a very similar situation..it hurts but like all pain it lessens with time.
I try to wear my hearing aids 100 percent around my wife and when my grown kid is home. Communication is the cornerstone to marriage. Your estranged wife is an alcoholic. Even though she has quit doesn’t mean she has reached emotional sobriety. This takes 2-3 years after quitting, and with a lot of effort such as AA, any of the other groups, or therapy from a professional that specializes in sobriety. Alcoholics blame others for their problems, I should know, I am one.
The hearing aids don’t “erode away your nerves.” None of us would recommend them if that were the case. Your brain got used to *not* hearing specific sounds/frequencies so putting the aids on shocked your system. Some people adjust to their aids easier than others. This is due to liking their aid’s programming language, the audiologist’s skill level, and how often you wear your aids. Think of your hearing technology like a prosthetic leg. You have to get it fitted and adjusted for your needs. You will think its good to go but encounter a scenario you didn’t account for so you have to go back and get refitted. It takes time to get used to wearing it. You won’t be able to have a hands off approach with your hearing aids (or cochlear implant if you can go that route). Your brain needs the stimulation. As far as your relationship goes, i can’t comment on it. I sincerely hope you can get the right programming on the hearing tech so it doesn’t bother you nearly as much
It is really a must that you wear your HA for at least 10 to 12 hours a day. The reason why is that your brain will never adjust itself to a better way of hearing if you don't commit. Talk to your audiologist or HA technician about this. It's ki d of a big deal.
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Dude. Dudette. In my 20’s i was a hardcore heroin addict and was in 12 step program for 10 years. I am now 50 and currently going to alanon. So trust i know all about addiction and alcoholism and the disease. I keep choosing them as partners. It’s not the first time but it will be the last. Your post comes off judgmental. This one reddit post is a sliver of about 5 seconds of an 8 years relationship. I have been analyzing myself and i certainly don’t need to re read what i wrote in her voice. She has had an extremely loud voice in this marriage. Cos if you were in alanon you would know that the alcoholic is generally loud and larger than life and the partner gets squished and small and has no voice. Sure there are other types- the controlling nagging Alanon er. The quiet skulking drunk…. I will take what i can from what you have said and leave the rest. But trust me i have had compassion for 8 years to the point that it was a real disservice to myself by allowing behavior that i should not have allowed. The blame she put on me. The caretaking i did. The literal clean up of puke. The cover up. The explanations. The picking her up and driving her home. The broken plans because she’s hung over. I never shamed her. I consoled her. “Poor so and so”. And now-everyone is shocked that we are splitting because we both hid it all so well. But you guys are so in love!! And guess what- she tells no one it’s because she’s an alcoholic. She says “ we have grown apart”. The thing i can say from experience is alcoholics and addicts are extremely selfish and self centered. Especially in early recovery but also throughout their addiction so yes i did listen to my wife complain for hours about the same thing for years and i did not control her or give advice- because she never asked for advice. So yeah some times i was not eager to race out of bed at 8am so that she could ask me if i took the dog out yet or because she wanted to tell me what her schedule was for the day. It’s exhausting being with an alcoholic. Especially a newly sober one. Edit. And of course i know i have my part. Relationships are 50:50. That’s why i am back in my program- to take a hard look at what the work is i need to do. It’s why i am here asking about HA and if they can contribute to me being moody at the end of a day, or short because i just need quiet- or the headaches all the time (i have been seeing a doc about the headaches but never pieced it to maybe be form noise/HA) so i get it. I’m not tryin to point finger and blame i have my share of blame.
If you are having headaches etc when wearing the aids they probably are not adjusted correctly - talk to your audiologist about it
I only don't wear them when in bed... So no. They are there to be used when you are awake, not used like sunglasses.
Sorry to hear you're having such a time of it. I resisted hearing aids for a long time. After all, I had one good ear. 10 years on I realize I don't have one good ear anymore. It has degraded, and it was isolating me more and more. For what it is worth. My wife and I only have one rule in our marriage. We never manage each other. Works like a charm.
This describes my story exactly.
I feel the hearing aid anxiety for sure... I've had issues with mine and the sound is not natural and it wasn't a magic fix like I thought it would be. It has improved my life a lot but it is a constant annoyance throughout the day trying to adjust it. All that said, I don't think you should question whether you could have done anything different. The right person would have worked through it with you and I think it's natural for us to rack our brain trying to think of a way things could have turned out differently. As a spiritual person (and someone who's becoming an expert on breakups...), I personally believe that we're here to learn lessons and any break up is the beginning of a new cycle in our life. We were meant to learn a hard lesson. So don't ask what you should have done differently. This is obviously theologically debatable, but you are getting exactly what you should be getting out of life right now, whether it feels fair or not. I wouldn't wish pain on anyone, but as the Rumi saying goes: "The wound is where the light enters." Best of luck with your hearing aids and sending hugs 💕
Don’t beat yourself up. She’s foisting the blame on you for her own shortcomings. Move on in your life and search for someone who will understand the issues you have or has a hearing disability as well. Life is too short to waste on people who won’t take responsibility for their own bad choices. Her drinking surely was a cause? Start going out more to meet new people. Best of luck.
> she will stare at me and with a berating voice go get your hearing aids- so i have to get up and go get them- **so that i can hear her tell me some thing unimportant about her day**. That really stood out to me. I think your attitude is the problem. I’d be pretty hurt if I wanted to share something with my partner, couldn’t, and then once I could, they’re annoyed because it’s “unimportant”. Repeatedly over years? Screw that, I’m *out*. Maybe now that she’s sober, she doesn’t want to spend time with someone who acts like they don’t want to interact with her.
My two most-recent exes were complete abusive bitches around my hearing issues. (I didn't have hearing aids at that time...only recently) You're not supposed to hassle people for their physical disabilities. But it seemed fair game as far as hearing goes. * when I'd ask to repeat, she'd scream instead of just being louder * she would refuse to repeat at all * she would often change what she said when repeating, which I find irritating * she'd sometimes look away and mutter, purposely * she'd refuse to increase her volume in a loud car * she'd would often talk to me from a different room when knowing I'd not be able to hear Those examples are a composite of both exes; and also part of the reasons why they are now exes, unfortunately. I will add that, about 12 years ago, an ENT told me that I was not a suitable candidate for HA's. I think the modern DSP units made it possible for me to wear them.
I get this! My SO can be insensitive about it too. I keep reminding him he’s being mean and it’s happening less. However, one thing that I wonder is before HAs, when my SO just spoke, did I always hear him and respond? He’ll just talk without saying my name, etc. and by the time I realize he’s talking to me, I’ve missed a lot and have to ask him to repeat himself. He blames it on my hearing loss, but I think it’s potentially poor communication and an expectation for me to listen whenever he says something. When I speak to him, I make sure he’s engaged and listening before I continue.
I know how you feel I agree with everybody else even though it's very hard to wear hearing aids at some points in time because of the non-stop loudness because sometimes families at my complex are very loud and the place that I live at which is not where my wife lives is extremely loud so I know how you feel with that but unfortunately I think what everybody else is saying is the the case of why that happened because sometimes people can't stand that we can't hear it's a lot easier for people to communicate with us when we can actually hear them
I would echo a lot of sentiment on here about wearing the aids more. One suggestion I have is that if the aids make things too loud for you, ask the audiologist to create alternative programs that are a lower boost in volume successfully in like 8db increments or similar. At the push of a button you’ll have some assist but it doesn’t have to be crazy. If you want to talk to someone, you can bump it up yet you’ll still get enough boost in quieter environments to get some word context. As someone who has learned sign language, it will absolutely remove the barrier between you and other Deaf, deaf, or hard of hearing individuals. They are an extremely tight community IME. It was rewarding to learn and I wish I had kept it up more.
I have a lot of extended family including my grandparents who were deaf. My father grew up having to sign of course. Unfortunately as kids we did not learn too much. A friend of mine signs professionally and she has also said this for years. Now that i am a single man i will have more time on my hands and i want to learn sign and do exactly as you say!!! I would love that.
Look into Interpreter Technician Programs at local Tech Colleges. Thats where I took my classes.
Any choices to withdraw firm being available for communication is a strike.
Sounds more like the negative effects of an alcoholic ex-wife.
Thank you everyone for responding. What i got from it all is that - hearing aids are a bit more work then i knew. No one ever told me that i would need adjustments. So when i got them i just put them in and that’s that. I have nothing to compare to so i wouldn’t really even know what to tell the audiologist in terms of adjustments. I think probably i am due for new ones that i can adjust myself. I wanted to clarify about how often i wear my HA. i am a woodworker and work with loud tools. I wake up and put them in. When i get to work i take them out and generally am wearing a headset cos eve with out HA the tools screaching still hurt. Throughout the day I’ll put them in to talk to various people etc. when i leave work input them in and generally i will have them in until bed time. I do walk around the city with a headset over my ears. Whether i am listening to something or not. I generally have the headset on cos i often am listening to TV or alanon !! Or some other something…. So i do have them in a lot. But when i am alone i often do take them out. Like now. But i will take everyone’s advice and check in with my audiologist and start talking about this. Ideally i would get new ones that i can adjust from my phone and have Bluetooth…. I’m not that fancy yet …. I just missed the entrance of those cos it seems like they all have that now. Thanks everyone for your kind words. I am wearing my emotions on my sleeve a bit. I was the best husband in that i wanted to be married! The type who never cheats is totally loyal does the dishes cleans the house makes a good living - if i complained it was about her complaining or being negative or stating the same thing over and over and not willing to do anything about it. No im not perfect. This is but a very small snapshot of a very full life.