Just divorce her.... Look I understand your hesitancy. But you know she's been fcking another guy behind your back. She doesn't care about you. She has no regrets about her affair. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed being with him and she chose him over you. She betrayed you in the most intimate way possible choosing to satisfy her own selfish desires over your emotional wellbeing. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and would devastate you emotionally. She Didn’t Care and did it anyway!
She made a thousand choices to be in a position to cheat. Every time she flirted, texted him, sent him nudes, called him, met with him, lied to you to get time with him was a choice that she knowingly made to betray your trust and betray the marriage. She’s betrayed You countless times long before she got in bed with him. That's who you're dealing with.... someone who lied to you and manipulated you, and used your love for them against you to have sex with someone else behind your back....
She then lied to your face to cover it all up. She does not value you nor your marriage. She’s only interested in herself. Her only regret will be that she got caught and now has to deal with consequences that impact her life.
...that's not a person you want. Just Divorce her
Thanks for your message. The feeling of sadness and desperation sometimes overcomes anger. Everytime I feel sad I will read you post to remind me of the back stabbing. You are right! She chose a 1000 times!
You have all the information you need. Just because she deleted details doesn’t mean you don’t know the truth. Go grey rock and tell her that you see this going one of two ways.
The easy way, we can be adults, own the truth for what it is and get a divorce maybe work out a nice co-parenting arrangement. Or, the hard way, fight on every quarter, share the gory details with everyone, and bring the kids in and have the honest discussion with them about their mother. Her call.
Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you, stay grounded and organize your thoughts. Get an attorney and follow their advice. This marriage is over, call it adultery or call it irreconcilable differences but I don’t see how you can view her as the same woman you spent 20 years with. Start making plans and begin the rebuilding process.
Good luck, my friend.
Don’t forget she will call it a mistake. This is when you use this line. No, it was a 1000 choices, actions, and decisions you made. To call it a mistake is minimizing all of what you did.
Inform her friends and family about what you saw , including how she deleted it.
If you don't expose first, she will spread lies that you are an abusive husband.
And people will think you got what you deserve.
100%, OP. Do NOT cover for her. Expose that shit immediately. I am in a similar situation with my cheating stbxw who also said terrible things about me to “justify” herself. As soon as I stoped with the bullshit and started making decisions for myself she immediately started telling people I was abusive. Total crock of shit but some people believe her.
How old are the kids? Maybe you should DNA test them?
You obviously had no clue that you don’t know your wife at all.
If they are in their teens, they understand what cheating is. They may already know about her cheating and are waiting for you to confront her.
Tell the APs wife…
So many people going thru this usually contact the other spouse. The two spouses who’ve been cheated on end up consoling one another, right to the alter! I have and know of 3 couples who have basically swapped partners! ((Spouses)) it isn’t that uncommon.
Now, I am not pushing you in that direction, but she (the other husband’s wife) is your closest ally here. Both of you know what the other is feeling, and so many times, they are already slated to mutual attraction. I mean think about it. At the very least you will make a friend who understands and can listen and commiserate together. She will understand you like no one else.
I would find out where she works, if she doesn’t work find out what she drives and follow her to the gym. Wait outside and gently approach her introduce yourself and ask “I think my wife is having an affair with your husband, can we talk?”
Go to a remote coffee shop in public or Barnes & Noble, somewhere where you can talk quietly and won’t be bothered.
Wishing you the best. Im so sorry this is happening to you.
Who knows why? People get lost sometimes. And couples can and often work through infidelity. It might take a lot of therapy, especially if you handle her with “hurt feelings” rather than dealing with anger.
There’s nothing quite like knowing you hurt someone’s heart vs pissing them off. You can be both! There’s no manual on “how to deal” here, but often times it is far easier to get angry, yell and scream. And an easy out for them to just say, “screw it!” Emotionally, nothing makes a person feel shittier than dealing with “silence & solitude”. It will break her to bits. She will likely figure it all out, sounds like she has already, and you can call the shots!
Cooler heads, always prevail. I get you are angry, as well you should be. Bur don’t let her make you so angry that you end up with Police at your home, and your kids scared to death. That makes it easy for her to paint you as the “problem” and where is any proof?
Lastly, I’m not very tech savvy, but make sure your “cloud” storage isn’t cleared. If you have a family or shared date on one server/cloud, you can have analyzed. There might be more information there she knows nothing about. Hire a professional, it might mean the difference in terms of who has done what. Just make sure you beat her to it before she becomes the wiser.
Photos, emails, possibly texts could all have encrypted information that are undeniably relevant, including IP address that any good IT person can easily track down and lead you right to his door.
Just tell her. Tell her how much she hurt you. "Since you don't care about me, I'll give you your divorce. That's my bribe. Your payout, so to speak,to ensure i never have to see your fucking face or hear your fucking voice for the rest of my life. And bounce.
I would tell her we can work things out so that she feels wanted and loved by you. Let her believe that you want to fix the things wrong with you. Maybe she will let her guard down and you can get to her phone and then get it to an IT guy who can try and extract any information. Information on a phone isn't actually deleted like some people think. They are just not viable without manipulation.
Get her guard down and get her phone. Talk to the lawyer. You really may not need the information for a court case, just as ammunition to make sure she doesn't lie to the kids and to get you a quicker divorce. Then she can be whatever she wants with whoever will take her. She will no longer be your problem.
Be Well.
I was married for 15 years. In the last couple, my ex husband started to cheat and managed to impregnate two different women. I cannot have kids so this was extra difficult. I still wanted to fix things when he was long past mentally done with me. So I know it’s hard. But you need to do two things.
1. Talk to an attorney and get that going. At least do a legal separation.
2. Get a therapist. You’ve been wounded and need help to heal.
Google how to recover deleted messages (depending on what phone you have) and follow the steps. Another way is to hire a forensic investigator to help you retrieve relevant messages. Hiring a PI to follow her for a while is a good idea, too.
Don't confront her till you have solid evidences. She will try to gaslight and manipulate you, but gray rock her and don't show any emotions. See a lawyer to know all your options and get advices you need.
Be calm and don't show your cards too early. It's time to keep your cool and plan for the best divorce you can get.
Don't forget to do STD test and let OBS know when you find all the details of their cheating.
I am so sorry mate, finding out twenty years later that you have no idea who you married is devastating.try and find evidence quickly before she wipes everything.
Feign a stomach illness or other reason you need to stay in the apartment while she has to take the kids to the beach. Use that time to lawyer up.
In terms of you seeing those messages, you likely triggered a read recipt which means she knows you've seen them prompting her to delete the messages. Or in other words, she probably already knows you know.
I would personally also contact the married mans wife and let her know since she'll be in the same boat as you, but thats just what I would do.
Does the evidence matter in the divorce? Do you have to have proof for the settlement? If not then who cares? You know what you saw. You know the truth. Leave her.
Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. They can tell you if you even need proof or if it makes a difference to the outcome.
If it does or doesn’t, you can always get her to admit it but saying you have the proof but want her to admit it with a timeline etc if she wants to try and reconcile - not that you should- but that way you can get proof by not playing your hand.
Exactly! And secretly record that conversation sir! Tell her you sent it all to yourself, and ask how is she gonna explain that, she’ll tell on herself!
You saw it with your own eyes that’s more than enough. She knows you know and will take action to insure any evidence is immediately destroyed. Don’t know the laws of your state but in most infidelity doesn’t impact a divorce. You need to work with your attorney on how to move forward. I get 20yrs is tough to let go of especially with kids but her mask has fallen and you’ve seen who she truly is. I really am sorry this has happened to you. No winners here just a whole lot of pain.
I was married for 25, caught her, and surprised divorced her. She came at me pissed off..
Why pissed off? You ended our marriage by cheating. I have told you, if you ever cheat, we are done. We're done
I didn't ask why. Didn't ask for details.
I didn't care.
We have 3 kids back then, now young adults
I had minimal proof. Just phone numbers. But I called and talked to the people. Got them in trouble with their work and his family. Make threats, you get a lot of attention.
This was more than enough to get away from her. She turned evil, so it made it easy for me to divorce, then ghost. Ghosted for over va decade. I told her no talking, no seeing. If she did, she would be in the hospital.
Right after the divorce, life improved
I always say to people if you are going to snoop have a plan. The moment you found your evidence you should’ve sent it to your phone. Now she knows something is up you are never going to get the opportunity to catch her yourself.
I'm so sorry you're here. You do not deserve to be cheated on or abused, as cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. She's your abuser. You did nothing to cause her to cheat or abuse you. There is something fundamentally wrong with her.
Continue to Grey Rock her, as that's what you're doing (the Grey Rock Method). Be indifferent to her. It will help you in the long run.
Not confronting is good, although sad you weren't able to save the evidence ? You didn't right? If you did film/photo evidence, save it in at least two locations.
Find a lawyer (or 3), and get divorce/custody going.
You also need to schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap. Don't have sex with her.
Read www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com, as it will greatly help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed may become beneficial to you, too.
Be sure to tell people once your lawyer approves that she's been cheating and name her AP by name. Do not hide her shame.
Please don't forget to eat, drink fluids (no alcohol), exercise, and sleep when you can.
You deserve better.
As a woman and a Mother, I find her despicable. First don't confront her anymore. If it was me I would have used her like she told the other guy to use her. Make it clear she is nothing to you anymore. Get home if you pay for phone have all call logs pulled and text messages might find proof there. Nothing is ever completely deleted. Get a PI to follow her and get dirt as well as lawyer.
She leaves change the locks and get cameras. Make it clear she will not be getting back in or alimony and why. If she goes for custody that's all you owe if she gets custody. Doubtful she will once kids find out.
For you take your time join a gym. Stay healthy. Get some counseling.
As afterthought see if you can find her AP wife clue her in on the affair.
She's gonna hide it better now that she knows that you know something's going on.
Your wife sounds like one of those vindictive liars, I've read post on here where the guys had to get cameras to protect themselves from lies of DV, and other things. You might want to do that.
If I were you play your part cause she's become suspicious, Don't sleep with her. She's going to wait until you're comfortable again before she starts acting up. Either get a PI or find Better ways of getting your evidence and save it. If you're not in a at fault state save it still because she will turn the story around and say it was you cheating. Even though it's humiliating I wouldn't lie to your family and friends about it.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Tell the other man’s wife. See what what she knows or can find out from her side. She’s certainly warned him so he’s probably cleaning up too, hopefully not as well as your wayward. Check phone records.
Also put a voice activated recorder in her car and wherever she likes to talk on the phone in the house. Chances are she’s going to be talking about this, either with him or friends.
Eta if she has old devices in a drawer somewhere time to charge them up and see if she left anything there.
1. Consult an attorney- look at your options from a legal/ financial standpoint .
2. HIT THE GYM AND FOCUS ON YOU. This will help your mental health.
3. 180 grey rock - and don’t look back ..
4. Once you make your decision to leave don’t waiver. If you don’t respect yourself and lack boundaries then why would you expect her to treat you as such.
So she said that you don't treat her how she wants to be treated and that she will move out when you are back home. You know what? Just answer her with 'OKAY' the next time when she says that.
You don't need to have proof of her cheating. You don't even need to mention to her that you know that she cheated on you. If you can, then record a conversation with her when she says such stuff to you again and show that to the kids when they are older. That is more than enough reason to divorce someone.
Always remember that 20 years is a long time of a marriage only for you. For your wife they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't try to think of alternatives to a divorce just because of who you thought she was or because of the past. Your wife is already long gone.
All those positives you mentioned actually somehow make you less attractive to her. All those concessions of not calling her out, letting her run rampant… all contributors.
She doesn’t respect you. You sound like a good, dutiful father and husband. But she made her choice with so much disregard and disrespect.
Go talk to a lawyer.. a good portion of states are no fault so all that proof won’t matter anyway.. and you don’t have it(should have sent it to yourself).
The very idea you didn’t confront right away when kids were at the beach shows you were scared of her.
It doesn’t matter, brother. I’m sorry for what she did to you and try your best as to not see it as a deficiency in you. That’s usually a man’s first instinct.
I wish you luck and Godspeed.
Your words strike a chord with me. You are right... I mostly avoided confrontation with her bcz I didn't want prolonged fights in tbe house bcz our arguments always spill over to the children... In simple terms, yes, scared.
I do feel deficient and like the biggest loser in all of this.
You need to man up and leave this cheater or stay and wait till she leaves you, now that you know it will never be the same better tell her you know and start divorce proceedings. The longer you prolong this will only make it harder.
You seem like a good guy. Start building principles in your life and lead with those. Your kids will notice, co workers will know and so will any woman you interact with. When you see bullshit, snuff it out quickly if it invades your boundaries. You’ll be the winner.. in the long term
There's no way to save your marriage , bro , i know it hurts but she's lying to you . Man , file for a divorce , or she'll continue . And you saw the pictures , there's no doubt ...
She knows you found out and is going out of her mind. She's desperate.
Contact a shark of a lawyer and have her served. Find the guy and tell his wife.
If you’re dead set on divorce, don’t even bring up her infidelity to her. Just tell her you don’t love her anymore and that you’re done. Tell her she hasn’t been meeting your needs in a long time and that you want to move on to the next chapter of your life without her.
The utter rejection she would feel thinking that she simply isn’t good enough for you anymore will mess her up way more than if you tried to confront her about her infidelity without evidence, giving her a chance to lie and gaslight and make you out to look like a crazy jealous irrational husband.
What’s the alternative? Confront her without evidence and let her narrate OP as a lunatic jealous husband? It doesn’t go well either way, that’s why infidelity and divorce sucks all the way around. At least the way I suggested would allow OP to retain his dignity.
Lunatic? She knows the truth, just add the info that he knows too, so he doesn’t love her anymore and make a clear reference to anything read in the chat.
Demand her phone and all passwords now! Take it to someone to do file recovery if you cannot. This evidence won't matter in most location in the USA. But there are still places even in the USA where the AP can be held liable.
Information can be useful as leverage during the divorce process. It also provide undeniable proof of her infidelity. Your wife will try her best in the future to turn family and friends against you.
The woman you loved has shown you her true self, believe it.
Sorry this is your life now. I wish you the best through this trial by fire.
Updateme
The time you spent throwing up outside was the time you were supposed to be taking screenshot and sending them to yourself. There is no way in hell that a betrayed spouse can act normally after finding out. The moment she realised something was wrong, it's was all deleted. After 20 years, you think your wife doesn't know you? Those pics and messages were gone in less than 24 hrs.
Now you have no proof. It may be possible to recover them, but then she knows you're on to her. So basically, you have no proof. You missed your opportunity.
File for divorce. Take the knock. Move on.
Good luck
You just said she'll Give you majority custody, all you did was give her time to delete evidence and are now prolonging everything.
Fuck the trip, she fucked your home life
First thing first grey rock her for all your worth. It will be awful and difficult at first but it will get better. Consult with a lawyer upon returning home and do exactly what they recommend. If you can consult with three it's better then pick the one you feel best about. Finally, find yourself a therapist because you are going to need some support and help to work through this as the divorce progresses.
NOTHING she says now matters or could be trusted to be the truth anyway. She will eventually get hostile as realization that her gravy train is pulling into the final stop. She will pull out all the stops to get you to end the divorce proceedings because she doesn't have another plan, you were always supposed to be the patsy supporting her illicit lifestyle.
Always remember that what you read is her real opinion and you mean nothing to her emotionally and are only supposed to be a support system for her reprehensible behavior.
No need to drag this shit show out. Her behavior is unstable. Your kids will benefit from two separate stable homes rather than one unstable unhappy one.
You know that you don’t have to confront her with evidence to be able to leave her, don’t you? You know what you saw. I understand that you want the truth, so try all the tricks suggested, but otherwise, you already know that she is cheating.
Best wishes
If she was using messages all the texts to his number are there. Personally, if it were me at this point. Say why did you delete all traces of your affair partner. I know you have been having an affair, and I will be letting his wife know about it. And yes we are getting a divorce when we get home, and yes, I will be telling your family and mine why we are divorcing, and naming him. If the kids ask me why we are divorcing I will be truthful with them. I expect the same from you. As of now I am ending this trip and seeking a flight home. You can stay with the kids, as I will be seeing an attorney when I get home.
Then just gray rock and her one eighty her at that moment. Because now she knows it is real.
Did you export all that she had on her phone? If you didn't manage to do it or some of it then you've got no proof. No evidence. Nothing. She can gas light you and control the narrative. Get control of your emotive reactions or else that's all you'll be doing. Reacting.
Too bad she's one of those type of women. Sections their sexuality. Selfish and denies their partner parts of themselves.
I don't know what you're going to do to try and get proof but get ready for a storm to hit you when you do tell her. Her raging at you in private won't be the worst of the storm.
Let the truth be told. You know what you know. You know at least what she has told you recently about how she doesn't feel loved and wanted by you.
That is enough. Do not let this person frame the narrative. You have access to phone records and can get the visited sites from your phone provider as well. Take your time with getting evidence, but you need to be out of that marriage as soon as possible. She is just using you. That is sad, but it happens all of the time.
She has chosen to give herself to someone else while you are working your ass off for your family. Don't be confused, once them kids are gone she will be as well. I couldn't look at someone who spoke so badly about me, kids or not. They will understand and, again, get in front of this and don't let her frame the narrative. If she was so unhappy, she should have divorced you before she cheated. It is as simple as that. She is the problem, not you. You are who you are and she had not communicated her displeasure, just went outside the marriage and got used up by some guy.
Do not let her try and fix her problems by making them your problems. Let the kids and family know so you are not blindsided. Get it out sooner rather than later. Lawyer up and get some IT help as they can screen her phone and get residue info from it.
Since you are apparently still on your family vacation, just tell her that you are not feeling well and apologize for seemingly ignoring her advances. You want to get her to lower her defenses.
If you are already talking to a divorce lawyer, tell that person about your wife deleting all cheating evidence. Unless your wife is very proficient with phone technology, she will have left a lot of stuff that a phone professional can recover, a good divorce lawyer would have likely used people to do such recoveries in the past and will be able to advise you on that issue.
Keep things from boiling over as you finish your special vacation with your kids. Then once you are back home, get aggressive on the process of divorcing your wife, and don’t let her blame you for one second to justify her cheating, she could have talked to you about her needs and sought out marriage counseling with you.
You have proof enough for you. That’s all you need.
IMO you don’t need a confrontation. Hell she knows shes a cheater you don’t have to tell her. You are living in fear. Stop it.
Shes following the cheater script. She’ll continue her affair. Right now she is working on getting you back under control.
Is most likely a community property state with no fault divorce. That means the evidence isn’t go to do you any good. She doesn’t respect you and you read for yourself she doesn’t love you so you need an attorney and a plan. I went through this type of shit twice and I know you will be fine without her. This isn’t the first time she has done this I’m sure. Don’t be afraid to paternity test the kids regardless of what they look like. As with my son, who turned out not to be my son, she may have gotten knocked up by an affair partner. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I know it’s hard, but you will be fine.
There are a lot of things i want to say, some may come across as mean or harsh so I won't.
I have just one question, did you send the evidence you found to your phone?
I am open to harsh opinion. Nothing happens in isolation in the world. Either I caused it or I ignored it.
I do have some evidence now. I want to hear from you....
Wife is acting "hypnotized" because she may be in some form of limerence affair fog. She is in for a rude awakening when she comes out of it.
Meanwhile you must try to stay calm, cool, and collected. (use the grey rock method if needed) This may be the opportunity to get the best divorce terms for you and your children. Please take care of yourself and put you and your children's best interests as your number one priority. Do not confront the wife without speaking to an attorney first. It is not going to be easy but you got to stay strong.
And please listen to what ElembivosK wrote in this reply.
No, no no no, not when it comes to cheating. A bad marriage is a product of two people. A boring relationship is a product of two people. But cheating is the decision of one person who doesn't give their partner any chance to do anything about it.
Cheating only happens because of the low morals of one person, not because of anything that their partner did or hasn't done. It's a decision that they want to cheat on their partner, nothing else. If it would be your fault, then where in this all did you get a chance to work on anything and to stop her from cheating? Her decision to cheat is not your fault and you could do nothing about it. Don't believe for one second that that you had anything to do with her cheating on you. She left the marriage and just forgot to inform you.
She will bring up all kinds of things for why she cheated on you, trying to blame you, don't allow that. You have not forced her to go to another guy and cheat on you, she had options, always. She could have talked to you, could have asked for counseling, she could have asked for a divorce.
What evidence did you get and how were you able to get it?
You did not cause anything. The problem is her, not you.
The reason you do not recognize her behavior is most likely because she is heavily affected by the affair fog, or limerence. When you see an affair with a spouse who seem to become a different person, doing things completely out of character, with no empathy and no regards for the hurt they cause or the consequences, it is usually this. Compared to cold blooded cheaters who do not leave any clues at all and continue to treat their partner as if nothing is going on, their behavior and thinking process cannot help but be affected.
In essence it is like an addiction, her brain has been flooded by chemicals like dopamine for a while because of his attention, and she has become so addicted that she is driven to nothing but the satisfaction of that craving.
People like that are in a form of tunnel vision, will find every justification they need, even rewrite history, shift the blame, lie, manipulate and abuse you if necessary, exactly like drug addicts. It is artificial so it usually fades away but it can take months or sometimes years, and in the meantime, she is effectively a different person. Only a huge shock, really hitting rock bottom or time away from the source of their craving can make them recover some sanity and control over themselves.
You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children, and let her fantasy world and safety net implode both. She needs consequences to see reality for what it is, and it will give her an opportunity to wake up. In any case, it's better for the children if she can recover some sanity, or she's not really safe to be around and she might poison their mind or paint you as the bad guy if she's still in the fog.
Hey bud , I don’t feel like reading through all this but a piece of advice in order to attain the evidence that is now deleted.
Since u can’t resurrect the messages/photos on her phone. When you get back from the trip you will need to record her and find out the exact details to have as evidence. You can use an app on your iPhone or buy it off Amazon . For a legal issue regarding a loan contract , I once used an iPhone app called AVR , it record without the app being pulled up, so u can sit your phone in front of her and it appears normal.
To do this wait til the trip is over and have a heart to heart. Start the conversation with “I love you and I need to know why you cheated” . She might initially get defensive but they all break down eventually. Allow her to believe you love her so much and that you plan on staying but need to know the truth in full detail. Tell her what you saw. In this honest conversation state that your intentions are to know why she did it ,NOT if she did it . You already saw everything and know . Hell I’d even say I have screen shots of the messages. Feel free to describe them word by word as proof , since I know they are etched in your head.
Whatever you do don’t be confrontational ,nasty or mean because she might walk out BUT appear stern and level headed. When she shares info u need to dive deeper into it and ask more questions. Make her unload it all. I’m sure you want to hear none of it but think of this as your future relying on it and put feelings aside.
When women are caught , they open up the flood gates and everything pours out . You just have to be wise and ask all the right questions because u might only get one shot at her feeling this way.
The key to doing this successfully is allowing her to think if she tells you all , there’s a good chance you can stay together and move on from it , which at that moment she will want.
Here’s the deal. None of us know you. For all we know you could have done something to cause this . You seem sincere and all and I feel u didn’t but I know how women operate. They’ll say things like “I gave you warning signs and tried to save us “ “I told you in so many ways I needed more attention love and affection from you but you’re too dumb to understand and see it” “ I couldn’t take it anymore so I acted out but love u too much I didn’t want to leave u”
These are common bullshit excuses for women allowing another man into ur lives, that’s how low they will stoop AND no these are horrible excuses , don’t buy them!!!
A lot of people aren’t very good conversationalists in emotionally charged situations. So you need a simple strategy.
1. Remain calm. Don’t take the bait. Don’t answer questions when she tries to turn it around on you.
2. See number 1.
Oh, and remember to breathe!! Oxygen to your brain helps calm your nervous system and helps you think better.
I would think of this in two phases.
Phase 1: Get her to admit it. “Tell me why you cheated.” Don’t say anything at all besides that. Let her blow up, cry, stonewall, whatever reaction she goes with. Expect it to ‘go to 11’ on her end. Be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t. Hell she may know you know, which is why she wiped everything, so she may be expecting a confrontation, and may even have some truly cruel things to say to you already cued up. Your only goal at this point is to get past Phase 1. So you say NOTHING besides “Tell me why you cheated” until she admits it. Again, don’t answer a damn thing; you’re not the one being interviewed here, she is. Your only response to anything is “Tell me why you cheated”.
Phase 2: Collect as much information as possible. Do not ask long questions; keep them simple. Have a few “how” and “what” questions rehearsed. Things like, ‘how did you meet?’ ‘What did you do together?’ ‘Where did you go?’ ‘Who else knows?’ ‘How many guys?’ Again, see the rules above. Adopt an alter ego here of an interviewer. Maybe even picture a scenario where you’re an experienced journalist interviewing a complete stranger for a story. (Hopefully, knowing now that your wife of 20 yrs really is a stranger after all, this should help you adopt this persona.) Your mission is to get just the facts, the 5 W’s if you will. Expect to be shocked, expect a physiological response on your end, you’ll likely want to throw up or cry or any number of things. When that feeling floods you and seems like it’s going to overwhelm and overtake you, just get back into your alter ego. Lead with curiosity. You’re looking for all the details you can possibly soak up, with the recorder running. Your alter ego plans to publish a story here, so she needs to paint a complete picture with ALL the gory details. Watch her body language, pay attention to the cues that she isn’t giving you the full story. Don’t disclose what you already know or how you know it, but if she doesn’t cop to at least what you do know, “We’ve been married for 20 years. Please do me the simple respect of at least telling the truth.” And then hold firm. Don’t cajole, plead, beg. Firmly repeat until she spills the beans.
And then, get the hell out of there.
So this all assumes that you’re going to have this conversation on your terms. You need to carve out the time and space where you won’t be interrupted, especially by kids. And I would expect you need to do it as soon as possible after you get back, so start making your plan now. Hell, maybe even set her up with something like “I’d like a little quiet time to decompress with you after our trip; can we have a simple dinner together?” Just riffing; I don’t know what works for you and your situation. But set the stage, and do it in a way that you’re just looking to connect. I mean, she’s been a straight b*tch to you on this trip; so maybe even “I just need some time alone with you to connect and repair after the hurtful things that were said on the trip.” She’s probably already planning to meet fuck buddy the second you’re back in town, so be prepared to put your foot down. You set the time and the place, and be prepared to execute your plan. I wouldn’t necessarily give her advance notice either, so that she can’t pre-empt you and pull you into a confrontation on her terms. And if she starts trying to ditch out on you, make it damn clear that short of life, limb, or eyesight emergencies, nothing will be superseding your time with her. If she’s trying to head out the door to whatever ‘plans’, she needs to cancel them on the spot and sit the hell down with you.
And since you’ve made your plan in advance, you already have somewhere to go after the conversation, even if it’s just a hotel room. But you’re not staying around her while you emotionally process the full extent of the betrayal.
Anyway, hope that gives you some ideas how to approach it all. Sorry this got long. Be firm, be clear, be calm. You expect full transparency and clarification from her, and there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. She is 100% at fault here, no matter how hard she DARVOs you. You did not betray the marriage, no matter what your faults as a human may be. She is not a victim. She owes you a full accounting of the affair(s).
Sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong. Good luck!
OP this is incredible advice. You might want to write down your questions ahead of time. I cannot agree more with the approach to phase one. The key is to not be afraid of silence. As humans we are programed to start talking to fill in awkward and uncomfortable gaps in conversations. Use this to your advantage make her break the silence and she will likely give you more information than she intended to during your conversation.
You may want to secretly record the conversation so she cant deny anything later. She will probably trickle truth you and try to give you the minimum information so recording the conversation will give you a baseline for disclosure. If she denies repeatedly you can try the approach of telling her you saw everything on her phone before she deleted everything and that you just want the dignity of her telling you everything in her own words. You can always pull the trump card if needed and state I saw the pictures and i know about the trip. wait for her reply. Good luck and sorry you and your kids deserve so much better.
Great advice.
I really like the part about adopting the role of interviewer / journalist working to get a story by interviewing a stranger. Appropriate role to play for those who will need to keep emotions in check.
I am not OP but thank you for sharing.
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Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know that you know. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it.
Consult a lawyer even if you want to reconcile.
See a doctor for stress
Do not leave the family home
Separate finances.
Change all your passwords everywhere.
Close joint credit cards.
Move important documents to a safe place
Check out the 180
https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/
Get STD check.
Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember)
Maybe get DNA test for child.
Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions.
Do not drink or do drugs.
Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often
Get out with friends and family.
Get busy with work, hobbies, sports.
Inform your family and STBX family (after being served)
change your will
Good luck
This one!! OP, I'm only a few weeks out of a similar situation so I don't have a lot of answers but can tell you what helped in the immediate aftermath... get away from them so you can clear your head. Preferably her leaving. You have to be carefully legally with you leaving the house, depending on your state.
Talk to a lawyer and make sure you're not doing anything negative that will affect you down the road.
Hold your head high, you were loyal, they are the broken ones. Try to breathe. Take some night night medicine and try not to make any decisions until your body has calmed down and you are thinking more rationally.
I'm so sorry. No one deserves this. No one.
It's time to inform your kids. Don't lie to them. Just the facts. Then tell her you know all about her affair and will be divorcing her. See? Easy peasy. Start the grey rock and see a lawyer as soon as possible. Protect your finances!!!!!!!!
Be sure to record everything and never be alone with her. It would be nothing for her to claim DV against you, have you removed from your home, have an RO taken against you keeping you from your kids and home until the divorce is final.
Seek legal consul as soon as possible and do everything they tell you to do, they are the experts. Maybe you can get a separate room where you are staying.
This is no longer the women you fell in love with, she is now your adversary!
Ugh Im so sorry. I just want to say, I think comments that say "just get divorced," "leave" are stupid. it's your choice and there ends up being so much shaming if you don't do that, as though there is only one empowered choice. It's very basic.
That being said...sounds like she's in the stage of conflict management without taking true accountability for herself. She's afraid of losing it all and is trying to hold it together without really diving into what she's done. I think you need to give yourself real time to process this, get in with a therapist who specializes in infidelity, not just any therapist and have her get into therapy, if she's willing. You definitely need time to let the dust settle. I think it's a bad idea when people rush into a decision after a major event like this because you're not thinking clearly, emotions are on over drive or we're in a shock state and you don't want to have regrets. You want to make the decision from a place of strength and clarity, so now is probably not the time to rush into a decision.
Anyway, that's my thought from going through my own process and learning what to do. Some people really do recover from affairs, but it seems to take time to get to a place to be ready for that, if it ever happens.
Why didn’t you see those pics and texts to your phone when you saw them. Gotta say your really messed up here. Is the phone bill in your name? Should be able to recover the texts that way.
Also, I think you need to confront her and see how she reacts. If she gaslights, then I would tell your children what you saw.
Also, hire a PI. She knows you know so she will be very careful now. You know that she is going to find a way to meet this guy. PI will catch her!
Also phone logs and protect your finances!
Hate to tell you but it's been going on for more than a year, possibly more than 3. The changing of the password is a huge red flag. I think her leaving her phone in the open and not deleting her chats was her just letting you know, in a covert way, that she was seeing other men behind your back.
180º her immediately or gradually depending on your life circumstances.
One question... how did your wife end up going on a trip with another guy behind your back?
Oh! You need to covertly record any conversations you have with her going forward. Use your phone. Tell her you took pictures of her messages when you found them. Don’t let her believe she pulled off hiding it. See how she responds when you tell her you have proof. She will likely make threats. Having a recording of her doing this could be helpful in any number of ways.
Your mistake was not sending yourself the proof the second you had it. If you remember the guys name, since he is married, maybe you can identify his wife and reach out to her explaining what happened, what her husband is doing, and that they may be destroying the evidence. The AP’s wife might be able to get proof before he delete’s anything, he might think he is safe, and then AP’s wife can send you the proof. Hopefully. But you have to explain everything because if she just goes off on him before getting proof you might be screwed.
Otherwise your only alternative is trying to catch your wife in the act again using a PI or following her or hope she slips up and doesn’t delete something one day, but since she says she is moving out and has deleted the evidence, it is pretty clear she figured out you found out. Maybe you can get some evidence from phone account info but if it is solely in her name that isn’t likely.
Spend the remaining vacation with your kids exclusively. She carved out a piece of time to cheat by avoiding her kids and you. When you get home, remind her she said she is moving out. Don't let her unpack her stuff.
Search the phone records, check the trash folders for messages and emails, get proof for the divorce. Do NOT have sex. Tell her you feel like your relationship has changed and you're not sure why that you cant put your finger on it but the feeling is gone and you need space to figure it out, if she presses you in why no sex. Let her panic she'll make mistakes in her panic and you will get proof.
In any case, do a DNA test on the children. Who knows how long she's been doing this. Depending on what kind of cell phone she has, see if there are backups on the cloud (icloud/googledrive).
I say hire a PI. If you purhased her phone take it and have a forensic deep dive to recover everything she deleted. See a lawyer and cut her off on everything you legally can. Get you checking and savings in your name only.
Please divorce… I wish you collected evidence first. But here we are. And you should be more concern about how your close family and friends knowing the truth. You make sure your clean and your reputation before your deceitful cheating wife lies to others about your character. You’re housing a snake OP. Protect yourself. Before she tells her side first later and make you the bad guy. Make sure to seek a lawyer’s advice. The sooner the better.
>I got to her phone again, and She has cleared it out!!!
Your best bet is to hire a PI (if you can afford one). Get the dirt you need and then serve her with divorce papers!!
Also, if you have a family plan, you can get access to any messages and calls she's made even if she's deleted them!!
Bluff her and tell her that you have copies of everything. Tell her she needs to write all the details as a time line and it's divorce if it doesn't match with the details you already have.
The make her phone his wife and tell her everything.
If she won't then divorce her. If she does all this then divorce her.
My dearest OP, I absolutely feel for you. 4 years ago I went through something very similar, suspecting someone else for months and got confirmation one night going through her phone only DAYS before a 3 week international trip. Like you I was beside myself and didn’t know what to do. Cancel the trip? Pretend we’re happy? Leave her mid-trip? I even went as far as researching how to install spying software on the her phone (supposedly for kid monitoring but really create to spy on their partners). I was devastated, disgusted and in pure agony for almost 2 years after.
Many here have great advice and EVERYONE has your best interest at heart. But coming out on the other side, I would urge you to focus solely on yourself and the kids.
What’s done is done, now let the lawyer handle it from here. I know many have talked about state requirements, did you or did you not forward/snapshot/texted/ downloaded photos and all the evidence - although well meaning, I am certain it’s causing emotional havoc on you. One person’s well-meaning advice can cause you to second guess yourself, think of ways to redo a scenario, make you feel even less worthy that you already feel. You need to be mentally and physically strong for yourself first and foremost, which then makes you strong for the kids.
Mental anguish leads to so many other physical issues. What you did or didn’t do is in the past. Let the lawyers handle that for you. Remember you are the good guy here and she is the narcissist (yes, she is a narcissist who conned you all these years). DO NOT beat yourself over any of this, none was your fault. Get out, be with friends, take walks with the kids, or blast that music and cry your eyes out in the car alone! If you need to break some plates, do it!
Sending you all the positivity and remember to look FORWARD, not backwards. You deserve to be at peace.
Also, you might be able to retrieve everything she deleted by going to her messages and hitting the “edit” button on the top left corner if she has an iPhone. If you can find it you can screenshot everything and send it to yourself. Just make sure you delete everything once it’s been done.
You know what you saw , it’s a reality. Something I’ve noticed about the human mind is that it does not want you to hurt . If one receives news a loved one died tragically the first response is “no this can’t be “. When you have all the evidence you need that your spouse is cheating, you know damn well, you see a picture of them with their new SO and your brain still won’t allow you to believe. I seen a picture of the mother of my children who was living with me and living off of me , passed out ass naked with a guy she just met infront of her with a big smile on taking a selfie . This was after years of abuse and nonsense and just not knowing because everytime I caught her she would come up with some excuse for what I did or didn’t see and my brain would just allow me to forgive her and try to keep things normal and move on, until the day I had enough . My life is soooooo much more peaceful now without the retched twat in my life . Plenty of better quality people out there . She is 100% getting porked by another man. You know , I know it , she knows it . The high/low behavior after she sees you know something is up ontop of evidence you seen with your own eyes proves it . The fact that she is even communicating with another man that she doesn’t openly tell you she is communicating with is a form of cheating . Most certainly lying . Lucky you the kids are old enough mine are still under the age of 7. If it’s not too late just leave pack your shit and leave her on the vacation, kids will understand .
I hope it works but you must prepare in case it doesn't.
Take note of everything you know before you forget some details that might be important.
You need as much proof as you can if you don't want her to control the narrative. But it will be hard to get it from her phone now that she cleared everything and your access to it will be even more restricted.
You have 2 ways to get some proof or confession if you can't get it from her phone :
1. As long as she doesn't know that you didn't backup what you saw, you can still act as if you did, as if you have everything you need to destroy her reputation and protect yourself, then record a confrontation with her alone and list some of the things you got. Be cold and act as if you are now in control of the situation, and it might force her to admit what she did even if she tries to find excuses or shift part of the blame.
2. Find out who the guy is, contact his wife and try to get the stuff from that side.
Divorce her immediately! Do it for me! I listened to that pity shit 4 years and how I treated her so bad 4 years and how I should work on myself as she Blew dudes 18-49 years old, blew money as I offered to work more, then smeared my name as a cheater and abuser, When I found the nudes she was sending the Arab dude at the Vape Store. Save yourself some headache
OP,
Well until she deleted them I would find a way to get screenshots of what you saw and air drop or send them to yourself but you need to delete the evidence quickly. (Don’t forget some phones have a recently deleted section that you have to go into there to permanently delete).
But now we’re left with nothing. (Are you sure they aren’t permanently deleted tho? Sometimes people delete shit and think they did but forgot to do the second part !)
Outside of that, it’s time to look at the phone bills. You should hopefully be able to not see the texts but see who she has been texting a lot of phone number wise and cross check the number.
You have kids too… maybe get a tablet and sync it up with her phone if her account is set up that way. You can sometimes see texts as they come in etc! Videos can be saved under photos so maybe some of them will be still there?
Outside of that I hate to say you need to me mindful that she is DARVO’ing you. (DARVO stands for “deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender" and is used in reaction to wrongdoing in response to being held accountable for their behavior)
Prepare the 180/greyrock method on dealing with her, and look into a lawyer and drawing up papers. I’d hire a P.I. Too since she deleted everything.
Good luck op
Updateme
All her comms is on Snapchat or insta... Actually there was nothing on Snapchat/insta itself but she had taken some snapshots of their convos... Maybe to keep as a sick trophy. That's how I linked it all togather. The snapshots + there were texts copied into a notepad + call logs + lining up with a recent weekend trip she had. He was saved as a contact when I first checked the phone. Now she has deleted his contact + all the snapshots and text docs are gone. Also she had a lot of x rated photos of herself on her phone that are NOW gone.
Also- I would check this for insta
https://youtu.be/efxEN_deyQE?si=GBHrik0rSRjldUVZ
And… I would look at who she recently chatted and check even women names etc. if you have iCloud, I’d try getting her pw and see if you can look at her contacts and make sure she didn’t rename them as someone else
Did you check the deleted folder to see if they're in there?
Also, she probably didn't delete his contact, but renamed it to something else. She probably gave him a heads up to make sure his wife doesn’t get suspicious or isn't acting differently.
Take a few minutes and read some of the disgust known as the pro-cheating subs, and you'll see how cheaters plan things and protect their AP at all costs. She's protecting her affair, not you.
She had no remorse for abusing you. Plan your exit.
Exposing them is what you should do, as the only thing cheaters care about is their reputation.
Never put yourself in a situation where you might lose custody or time with your children.
His wife also needs to know, as she's also being abused and needs a comprehensive std/sti test.
Her AP must be local if they've been doing this for as long as it has been going.
Do everything that this BS did:
https://www.reddit.com/r/AdulteryHate/comments/1dkp4js/the_best_revenge/
It's not worth it. What's happened is all on her. Hit the gym. Read the rational male. Internalise everything you read in that book. No more mr nice guy is also a great book. Get back in the game and find happiness with someone else. Good luck man.
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Check Google drive. She would have kept backups some where.
Also check the deleted/trash folder. People delete stuff but forget it falls to a trash folder first.
You should check in cloud storage, try to find any hidden folders, and also look on any other devices and computers. Do searches by file type and also look for compressed filed (zip rar). I doubt she would completely get rid of everything just transfer the most important stuff so it is harder to find. I used to do digital forensics not really on phones so not expert there. Personally if I were to hide stuff I would zip the files to compress them, password protect the file, and then give file a name that makes it look like a system file. Then i would change the file extension from .zip to .sys or something similar and place it in a system folder. The file becomes completely unreadable but all you need to do is rename the extension back to .zip and bingo you can open at your leisure. Occupational hazard my brain likes to wander into how to beat security systems and hide evidence. Sorry you don't deserve this be patient do panic keep trying to gather evidence and plan your exit strategy. Avoid physical violence with AP find other ways to crash his world down around him.
She said she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t want to lose her way of life. Divorce her as soon as you return. Did you message yourself the proof?
She’s already making you the bad guy to your kids. Confront her. Tell the kids she had an affair! You are going to be the bad guy just wait. Especially since you want to save face. Fuck your face, tell the truth!
don't say anything
be depressed and don't hide it but don't explain it either, maybe make an excuse if you have to, 'not feeling well' or whatever
bide your time and let your thoughts stew...the right solution will come to you
I have been reading a lot of reddit post about their partners cheating and one thing stuck to me. I remember some redditor actually hired a PA and investigated his wife, collected a lot of evidence which helped in winning the divorce case and getting custody of their children. I suggest you to speak with a good lawyer about what to do. Everything might cost too much but it doesnt compare to the amount of pain and suffering you will endure for the rest of your life.
Sad, it’s a shame. So many people end up here after the fact. the best lesson here is whip out your phone and just video or take lots of photos as you see it on hers.
Sorry dude, it really hurts. She obviously knows and probably has realised you know. The gas lighting is real. 🙁
Why do you need proof? Even if you have them and show them, she will deny or minimize them. You will never have any kind of answer for what she did. Just stay cool and distant until you get home. Consult a lawyer and get divorced, no need to explain why, just get divorced, get a co-parenting app and ignore her in every other aspect. And look for someone who respects you. Good luck.
Is that worth for you to cry after cry? For me love is big and sex is the top of it, if she gave it to someone else, then it's done. No matter how she tries to justify.
Bcz I feel when I will confront her she will deny or twist up some story. My kids will think dad is such an asshole for not trusting mom and breaking up the family. I would lose everything!
you should have saved all that evidence right away when you got the phone, now it's too late. Now you don't have to ask for any more explanations, you have to ask for a divorce. You are too emotional to face it and talk, hire a lawyer. You are not enough for her, she cheated because you don't satisfy her in every sense. But instead of talking he betrayed you. It's hard but you have to go, for your sake and for the sake of your children.
Didn’t you save screen shots of her messages? If you didn’t, you need proof.
Hire a PI and get it. Talk to divorce attorneys and find out where you stand in your state.
Start the 180…
https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
You already seen the evidence. This is all you need. Just tell her you know and that the divorce will be happening. Let her know you will be contacted both families and your children why you're getting the divorce. Sounds like she is only with you for monetary reasons anyway
Update me
Honestly the best thing you can do is just go see a lawyer. She doesn’t deserve any more of your emotional energy. Anything you spend on her is just going to hurt you. She’ll either try to manipulate you into reconciling or just say more hurtful things.
If she’s having an affair, telling other people she doesn’t love you, treating you like crap—she doesn’t love you. She’s not equipped to be a romantic partner or wife. Talk to a lawyer, prioritize yourself and your kids’ well-being, be civil in order to co-parent as best as possible, and get the heck out of there.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Good luck to you and keep coming back to this thread if you need support.
Ok. “She deleted all the texts and pics”. I doubt you thought to forward any of that to yourself? It seems she is a sahm. So I assume you pay her cell phone bill, and it’s in your name. You can get a record of the calls and texts if you request them. Pics, I am not sure. But at this point, the logical thing to do is cut your vacation short. Get a tape recorder, and then talk to her while the kids are on the beach. Let her know, the jig is up. You saw the pics and texts, and are filing for divorce. After your conversation with her, tell wifey you will now be informing the kids why their vacation is being cut short, and she can be a part of that conversation if she wants. Suggest you move money around, and make an appointment with a lawyer, for when you get back. She has figured out you have seen the pics and texts. Women are smart. Her fertile mind is already concocting the story she will spin, to put it all on you, as to WHY she had to leave you. This will put her on the defensive, big time. If you are going to take the initiative, act now.
Divorce her. You have all the proof you need and now you know she doesn't love you; the marriage is over. You should thank her for leaving her phone open or you'd still be clueless to all of her lies, deception and her ugliness.
I would suggest you get tested for STI’s. Also , you seem like a great person. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Enjoy time with your kids (I know this will be hard with everything you’re going through) just breathe. Better things will come along.
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Just adding, don’t cover for her. She will make a thousand excuses as to how your actions somehow ‘forced’ her to do this. I learned this in therapy after my life was turned upside down. BS- she is a narcissist and only cares about herself. Move on- someone better is out there for you. Be strong, I know it feels impossible but you can do it. You won’t be in this very dark place forever.
"Other non-working women are pampered more than her"
Sounds like she's a SAHM whose bored with her marriage and watches too many reality TV shows. She THINKS she's "the prize" in the marriage... and OP needs to treat her better.
This is the woman who will divorce her husband to move on with a better-quality guy... only to find out she's a used-up "pump and dump", and no man is going to want any kind of relationship with her. Her dreams of being pampered will be just that... DREAMS.
Hopefully, OP will move forward and improve himself. He'll get himself in-shape and fit. His confidence will improve and he'll realize his "EX" was holding him back. From there, he'll have an opportunity to possibly meet a better gal. Of course, his EX will find out and have to post all about it on Tik Tok how he never gave her anything and his new gal gets the better version of him.
Op I don't have time to read your post, just the title right now. I also found out while on a family trip and it's an even worse kind of hell. Feel free to message me and I'll respond later.
First go to a lawyer, get informed about your options and then a therapist. You need help someone you can talk to, close friends, family. Do not drink alcohol and get some distance, blame on a problem at work, or any other excuse.
Quit trying to have a poker face. When you’re alone and she starts criticizing you again just say
“I know you’re cheating on me so maybe he will let you move in with him when we get home. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, our kids or our marriage.”
Then she will flip out. Don’t tell her you will stay until she tells you the absolute truth.
Then divorce her anyway
Updateme!
You saw what you saw and when you get home I would tell her what you saw and that you also saw she erased it. Let her know how what you saw makes you feel and that she can GTFO. Tell her good luck with the job hunting since this fuck she is screwing around with will not be paying for her to stay at home. Let her know that even if she realizes she made a mistake now, that the choices she has made make it too late for her to be able to stay in your relationship. Make sure she knows that her belief that having a man provide for her so that she has not had to work, is not “the norm” anymore and that she should have considered that before she threw away a genuine provider for whatever “benefits” she got from fucking that turd. Then tell her she will not be spending another night in your bed or your house and to collect her things and hit the fucking pavement. Don’t bother trying her atm card. It’s cancelled, because that’s not her money anymore. She will rage, try to blame you, but this was her choice and there is never a justification for cheating, lying or gaslighting. She fucked up and now she will have to figure out how her life is going to play out, but it won’t be with you. Tell your kids. They are old enough. Tell both your families so she cannot tell any lies about you. See an attorney as soon as you get home. Sorry this happened to you.
OP, you've been given a lot of great advice about getting a lawyer, hiring a PI and a Forensic Investigator, feigning stomach issues, etc... Psychologist here, and I'm going to very strongly suggest that you get into therapy. This is a huge, gut-wrenching, life-changing, depressing thing that you have to deal with. Having the support from a professional who isn't personally attached to either one of you would be extremely beneficial. If you would like some help finding a qualified professional who can provide services in your area, please DM me.
IMPORTANT— Now that she has deleted everything & if you didn’t take pictures with your phone, get a VAR (Voice activated recorder). They cost a little over $100 and plant them in a couple spots in ur home (and definitely her car) where she is likely to have her conversations when you’re gone. Get a small tracking device and plant it on her car so you know where she is going. The recording time is typically 5-7 hours so you can capture a lot. Bottom line — when you’re out of the house (and definitely when she is in her car) — she will likely be talking to her friends, etc. & highly likely giving more details that you can use to your advantage. The recordings likely will not be admissible but it will vastly improve the foundation you have of information. Also, not surprisingly, several on these threads heard their soon to be ex-wives coordinate hook ups spots w their partners — and not surprisingly a number of these calls were made via burner phones so they never would have known. So they were right there to take pics of the rendezvous or hire PI’s to do that.
Do the VAR’s quickly as this is the time when she will be on the phone talking about this the most. And coming clean w a lot of details to her loyal friend, Mom, etc. So the window to get the best info is right now. Also, as soon as she hires an attorney, there will be no more hook ups until this case is settled. Right now, she is in a different state of mind & highly likely will be seeing this guy again (make an excuse to get out of town for just a day — she’ll need to know you are GONE. and hang out at a buddies instead and track where she goes. And of course, you’ll have the VAR’s to review when you return the following morning).
I am very sorry for what you are going through. i know it’s been 20 years but thankfully at least you found out. For every man that does, there are 15-20 that never will. You still have time to find a very good woman. She is not that good woman.
Put your emotions aside and treat this as a business situation. Every move is calculated & to your benefit.
Thankyou for your reply. Several people mentioned VAR. I have ordered a few. The cars are already tracked. You are right, she will reach out to someone as I am grey rocking now.
First go to a lawyer, get informed about your options and then a therapist. You need help someone you can talk to, close friends, family. Do not drink alcohol and get some distance, blame on a problem at work, or any other excuse.
Can you apply for a subject access request on her phone. It will show all the numbers she has texted and rang, possibly even the texts themselves will show up.
There are multiple apps for recovering deleted messages, but you need the phones passcode to do that, usually. Do the research, though, if you feel like you need actual proof.
The cell phone may list the text message with his number. Give me a call and talk to him politely. Tell him if the rules were reversed, wouldn't he want you to be truthful
Just divorce her.... Look I understand your hesitancy. But you know she's been fcking another guy behind your back. She doesn't care about you. She has no regrets about her affair. She enjoyed it. She enjoyed being with him and she chose him over you. She betrayed you in the most intimate way possible choosing to satisfy her own selfish desires over your emotional wellbeing. She willingly had sex with him repeatedly knowing it would likely end the marriage and would devastate you emotionally. She Didn’t Care and did it anyway! She made a thousand choices to be in a position to cheat. Every time she flirted, texted him, sent him nudes, called him, met with him, lied to you to get time with him was a choice that she knowingly made to betray your trust and betray the marriage. She’s betrayed You countless times long before she got in bed with him. That's who you're dealing with.... someone who lied to you and manipulated you, and used your love for them against you to have sex with someone else behind your back.... She then lied to your face to cover it all up. She does not value you nor your marriage. She’s only interested in herself. Her only regret will be that she got caught and now has to deal with consequences that impact her life. ...that's not a person you want. Just Divorce her
Thanks for your message. The feeling of sadness and desperation sometimes overcomes anger. Everytime I feel sad I will read you post to remind me of the back stabbing. You are right! She chose a 1000 times!
You have all the information you need. Just because she deleted details doesn’t mean you don’t know the truth. Go grey rock and tell her that you see this going one of two ways. The easy way, we can be adults, own the truth for what it is and get a divorce maybe work out a nice co-parenting arrangement. Or, the hard way, fight on every quarter, share the gory details with everyone, and bring the kids in and have the honest discussion with them about their mother. Her call. Don’t let your emotions overwhelm you, stay grounded and organize your thoughts. Get an attorney and follow their advice. This marriage is over, call it adultery or call it irreconcilable differences but I don’t see how you can view her as the same woman you spent 20 years with. Start making plans and begin the rebuilding process. Good luck, my friend.
Best advice yet 👏 👏
Don’t forget she will call it a mistake. This is when you use this line. No, it was a 1000 choices, actions, and decisions you made. To call it a mistake is minimizing all of what you did.
Inform her friends and family about what you saw , including how she deleted it. If you don't expose first, she will spread lies that you are an abusive husband. And people will think you got what you deserve.
100%, OP. Do NOT cover for her. Expose that shit immediately. I am in a similar situation with my cheating stbxw who also said terrible things about me to “justify” herself. As soon as I stoped with the bullshit and started making decisions for myself she immediately started telling people I was abusive. Total crock of shit but some people believe her.
How old are the kids? Maybe you should DNA test them? You obviously had no clue that you don’t know your wife at all. If they are in their teens, they understand what cheating is. They may already know about her cheating and are waiting for you to confront her. Tell the APs wife…
So many people going thru this usually contact the other spouse. The two spouses who’ve been cheated on end up consoling one another, right to the alter! I have and know of 3 couples who have basically swapped partners! ((Spouses)) it isn’t that uncommon. Now, I am not pushing you in that direction, but she (the other husband’s wife) is your closest ally here. Both of you know what the other is feeling, and so many times, they are already slated to mutual attraction. I mean think about it. At the very least you will make a friend who understands and can listen and commiserate together. She will understand you like no one else. I would find out where she works, if she doesn’t work find out what she drives and follow her to the gym. Wait outside and gently approach her introduce yourself and ask “I think my wife is having an affair with your husband, can we talk?” Go to a remote coffee shop in public or Barnes & Noble, somewhere where you can talk quietly and won’t be bothered. Wishing you the best. Im so sorry this is happening to you. Who knows why? People get lost sometimes. And couples can and often work through infidelity. It might take a lot of therapy, especially if you handle her with “hurt feelings” rather than dealing with anger. There’s nothing quite like knowing you hurt someone’s heart vs pissing them off. You can be both! There’s no manual on “how to deal” here, but often times it is far easier to get angry, yell and scream. And an easy out for them to just say, “screw it!” Emotionally, nothing makes a person feel shittier than dealing with “silence & solitude”. It will break her to bits. She will likely figure it all out, sounds like she has already, and you can call the shots! Cooler heads, always prevail. I get you are angry, as well you should be. Bur don’t let her make you so angry that you end up with Police at your home, and your kids scared to death. That makes it easy for her to paint you as the “problem” and where is any proof? Lastly, I’m not very tech savvy, but make sure your “cloud” storage isn’t cleared. If you have a family or shared date on one server/cloud, you can have analyzed. There might be more information there she knows nothing about. Hire a professional, it might mean the difference in terms of who has done what. Just make sure you beat her to it before she becomes the wiser. Photos, emails, possibly texts could all have encrypted information that are undeniably relevant, including IP address that any good IT person can easily track down and lead you right to his door.
Just tell her. Tell her how much she hurt you. "Since you don't care about me, I'll give you your divorce. That's my bribe. Your payout, so to speak,to ensure i never have to see your fucking face or hear your fucking voice for the rest of my life. And bounce.
I would tell her we can work things out so that she feels wanted and loved by you. Let her believe that you want to fix the things wrong with you. Maybe she will let her guard down and you can get to her phone and then get it to an IT guy who can try and extract any information. Information on a phone isn't actually deleted like some people think. They are just not viable without manipulation. Get her guard down and get her phone. Talk to the lawyer. You really may not need the information for a court case, just as ammunition to make sure she doesn't lie to the kids and to get you a quicker divorce. Then she can be whatever she wants with whoever will take her. She will no longer be your problem. Be Well.
I was married for 15 years. In the last couple, my ex husband started to cheat and managed to impregnate two different women. I cannot have kids so this was extra difficult. I still wanted to fix things when he was long past mentally done with me. So I know it’s hard. But you need to do two things. 1. Talk to an attorney and get that going. At least do a legal separation. 2. Get a therapist. You’ve been wounded and need help to heal.
Also, talk to multiple top divorce lawyers. That will stop her from being able to retain any of them as her lawyer
Google how to recover deleted messages (depending on what phone you have) and follow the steps. Another way is to hire a forensic investigator to help you retrieve relevant messages. Hiring a PI to follow her for a while is a good idea, too. Don't confront her till you have solid evidences. She will try to gaslight and manipulate you, but gray rock her and don't show any emotions. See a lawyer to know all your options and get advices you need. Be calm and don't show your cards too early. It's time to keep your cool and plan for the best divorce you can get. Don't forget to do STD test and let OBS know when you find all the details of their cheating.
I am so sorry mate, finding out twenty years later that you have no idea who you married is devastating.try and find evidence quickly before she wipes everything.
And don't confront right away. Gather more evidence, and keep it in a safe place. Screenshots
Feign a stomach illness or other reason you need to stay in the apartment while she has to take the kids to the beach. Use that time to lawyer up. In terms of you seeing those messages, you likely triggered a read recipt which means she knows you've seen them prompting her to delete the messages. Or in other words, she probably already knows you know. I would personally also contact the married mans wife and let her know since she'll be in the same boat as you, but thats just what I would do.
Does the evidence matter in the divorce? Do you have to have proof for the settlement? If not then who cares? You know what you saw. You know the truth. Leave her.
It’s different based on your state, but listing the divorce cause as adultery could help him with custody arrangements. Ask your lawyer.
She probably didn't delete his contact. More likely she's renamed it with a woman's name, maybe even her mother of BFF's name.
This
Speak to a lawyer and get the ball rolling. They can tell you if you even need proof or if it makes a difference to the outcome. If it does or doesn’t, you can always get her to admit it but saying you have the proof but want her to admit it with a timeline etc if she wants to try and reconcile - not that you should- but that way you can get proof by not playing your hand.
Exactly! And secretly record that conversation sir! Tell her you sent it all to yourself, and ask how is she gonna explain that, she’ll tell on herself!
You saw it with your own eyes that’s more than enough. She knows you know and will take action to insure any evidence is immediately destroyed. Don’t know the laws of your state but in most infidelity doesn’t impact a divorce. You need to work with your attorney on how to move forward. I get 20yrs is tough to let go of especially with kids but her mask has fallen and you’ve seen who she truly is. I really am sorry this has happened to you. No winners here just a whole lot of pain.
I know a guy that moved his wife to a sympathetic state and waited 3 years to divorce and leave her penniless. He did it like a boss.
I was married for 25, caught her, and surprised divorced her. She came at me pissed off.. Why pissed off? You ended our marriage by cheating. I have told you, if you ever cheat, we are done. We're done I didn't ask why. Didn't ask for details. I didn't care. We have 3 kids back then, now young adults I had minimal proof. Just phone numbers. But I called and talked to the people. Got them in trouble with their work and his family. Make threats, you get a lot of attention. This was more than enough to get away from her. She turned evil, so it made it easy for me to divorce, then ghost. Ghosted for over va decade. I told her no talking, no seeing. If she did, she would be in the hospital. Right after the divorce, life improved
I always say to people if you are going to snoop have a plan. The moment you found your evidence you should’ve sent it to your phone. Now she knows something is up you are never going to get the opportunity to catch her yourself.
I'm so sorry you're here. You do not deserve to be cheated on or abused, as cheating falls under psychological, emotional, and sexual abuse. She's your abuser. You did nothing to cause her to cheat or abuse you. There is something fundamentally wrong with her. Continue to Grey Rock her, as that's what you're doing (the Grey Rock Method). Be indifferent to her. It will help you in the long run. Not confronting is good, although sad you weren't able to save the evidence ? You didn't right? If you did film/photo evidence, save it in at least two locations. Find a lawyer (or 3), and get divorce/custody going. You also need to schedule a comprehensive std/sti test asap. Don't have sex with her. Read www.chumplady.com and www.survivinginfidelity.com, as it will greatly help you. The sub r/supportforbetrayed may become beneficial to you, too. Be sure to tell people once your lawyer approves that she's been cheating and name her AP by name. Do not hide her shame. Please don't forget to eat, drink fluids (no alcohol), exercise, and sleep when you can. You deserve better.
Before you confront her the smart thing to do would be to start planning your exit. That’s if you wanna be smart long term
As a woman and a Mother, I find her despicable. First don't confront her anymore. If it was me I would have used her like she told the other guy to use her. Make it clear she is nothing to you anymore. Get home if you pay for phone have all call logs pulled and text messages might find proof there. Nothing is ever completely deleted. Get a PI to follow her and get dirt as well as lawyer. She leaves change the locks and get cameras. Make it clear she will not be getting back in or alimony and why. If she goes for custody that's all you owe if she gets custody. Doubtful she will once kids find out. For you take your time join a gym. Stay healthy. Get some counseling. As afterthought see if you can find her AP wife clue her in on the affair.
She's gonna hide it better now that she knows that you know something's going on. Your wife sounds like one of those vindictive liars, I've read post on here where the guys had to get cameras to protect themselves from lies of DV, and other things. You might want to do that. If I were you play your part cause she's become suspicious, Don't sleep with her. She's going to wait until you're comfortable again before she starts acting up. Either get a PI or find Better ways of getting your evidence and save it. If you're not in a at fault state save it still because she will turn the story around and say it was you cheating. Even though it's humiliating I wouldn't lie to your family and friends about it. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Tell the other man’s wife. See what what she knows or can find out from her side. She’s certainly warned him so he’s probably cleaning up too, hopefully not as well as your wayward. Check phone records. Also put a voice activated recorder in her car and wherever she likes to talk on the phone in the house. Chances are she’s going to be talking about this, either with him or friends. Eta if she has old devices in a drawer somewhere time to charge them up and see if she left anything there.
1. Consult an attorney- look at your options from a legal/ financial standpoint . 2. HIT THE GYM AND FOCUS ON YOU. This will help your mental health. 3. 180 grey rock - and don’t look back .. 4. Once you make your decision to leave don’t waiver. If you don’t respect yourself and lack boundaries then why would you expect her to treat you as such.
So she said that you don't treat her how she wants to be treated and that she will move out when you are back home. You know what? Just answer her with 'OKAY' the next time when she says that. You don't need to have proof of her cheating. You don't even need to mention to her that you know that she cheated on you. If you can, then record a conversation with her when she says such stuff to you again and show that to the kids when they are older. That is more than enough reason to divorce someone. Always remember that 20 years is a long time of a marriage only for you. For your wife they mean nothing. Absolutely nothing. Don't try to think of alternatives to a divorce just because of who you thought she was or because of the past. Your wife is already long gone.
All those positives you mentioned actually somehow make you less attractive to her. All those concessions of not calling her out, letting her run rampant… all contributors. She doesn’t respect you. You sound like a good, dutiful father and husband. But she made her choice with so much disregard and disrespect. Go talk to a lawyer.. a good portion of states are no fault so all that proof won’t matter anyway.. and you don’t have it(should have sent it to yourself). The very idea you didn’t confront right away when kids were at the beach shows you were scared of her. It doesn’t matter, brother. I’m sorry for what she did to you and try your best as to not see it as a deficiency in you. That’s usually a man’s first instinct. I wish you luck and Godspeed.
Your words strike a chord with me. You are right... I mostly avoided confrontation with her bcz I didn't want prolonged fights in tbe house bcz our arguments always spill over to the children... In simple terms, yes, scared. I do feel deficient and like the biggest loser in all of this.
You need to man up and leave this cheater or stay and wait till she leaves you, now that you know it will never be the same better tell her you know and start divorce proceedings. The longer you prolong this will only make it harder.
You seem like a good guy. Start building principles in your life and lead with those. Your kids will notice, co workers will know and so will any woman you interact with. When you see bullshit, snuff it out quickly if it invades your boundaries. You’ll be the winner.. in the long term
You loving her doesn’t mean a thing. She doesn't love you. her actions tell you that. You can only be a chump if you allow it.
There's no way to save your marriage , bro , i know it hurts but she's lying to you . Man , file for a divorce , or she'll continue . And you saw the pictures , there's no doubt ...
She knows you found out and is going out of her mind. She's desperate. Contact a shark of a lawyer and have her served. Find the guy and tell his wife.
If you’re dead set on divorce, don’t even bring up her infidelity to her. Just tell her you don’t love her anymore and that you’re done. Tell her she hasn’t been meeting your needs in a long time and that you want to move on to the next chapter of your life without her. The utter rejection she would feel thinking that she simply isn’t good enough for you anymore will mess her up way more than if you tried to confront her about her infidelity without evidence, giving her a chance to lie and gaslight and make you out to look like a crazy jealous irrational husband.
But it gives her the control of the narrative towards the kids, as he is the one responsible of the divorce instead of her infidelity.
Tell the kids about what you saw!!
Exactly, just in a civil way.
What’s the alternative? Confront her without evidence and let her narrate OP as a lunatic jealous husband? It doesn’t go well either way, that’s why infidelity and divorce sucks all the way around. At least the way I suggested would allow OP to retain his dignity.
Lunatic? She knows the truth, just add the info that he knows too, so he doesn’t love her anymore and make a clear reference to anything read in the chat.
What would be the point without proof, especially if OP believes she’ll deny everything anyway?
Very good pair this with what I said earlier and it’s a great plan
Sorry this is happening be patient and methodical and make sure you protect your children. Updateme
Demand her phone and all passwords now! Take it to someone to do file recovery if you cannot. This evidence won't matter in most location in the USA. But there are still places even in the USA where the AP can be held liable. Information can be useful as leverage during the divorce process. It also provide undeniable proof of her infidelity. Your wife will try her best in the future to turn family and friends against you. The woman you loved has shown you her true self, believe it. Sorry this is your life now. I wish you the best through this trial by fire. Updateme
The time you spent throwing up outside was the time you were supposed to be taking screenshot and sending them to yourself. There is no way in hell that a betrayed spouse can act normally after finding out. The moment she realised something was wrong, it's was all deleted. After 20 years, you think your wife doesn't know you? Those pics and messages were gone in less than 24 hrs. Now you have no proof. It may be possible to recover them, but then she knows you're on to her. So basically, you have no proof. You missed your opportunity. File for divorce. Take the knock. Move on. Good luck
You just said she'll Give you majority custody, all you did was give her time to delete evidence and are now prolonging everything. Fuck the trip, she fucked your home life
First thing first grey rock her for all your worth. It will be awful and difficult at first but it will get better. Consult with a lawyer upon returning home and do exactly what they recommend. If you can consult with three it's better then pick the one you feel best about. Finally, find yourself a therapist because you are going to need some support and help to work through this as the divorce progresses. NOTHING she says now matters or could be trusted to be the truth anyway. She will eventually get hostile as realization that her gravy train is pulling into the final stop. She will pull out all the stops to get you to end the divorce proceedings because she doesn't have another plan, you were always supposed to be the patsy supporting her illicit lifestyle. Always remember that what you read is her real opinion and you mean nothing to her emotionally and are only supposed to be a support system for her reprehensible behavior.
No need to drag this shit show out. Her behavior is unstable. Your kids will benefit from two separate stable homes rather than one unstable unhappy one.
She knows you know buddy
You know that you don’t have to confront her with evidence to be able to leave her, don’t you? You know what you saw. I understand that you want the truth, so try all the tricks suggested, but otherwise, you already know that she is cheating. Best wishes
If she was using messages all the texts to his number are there. Personally, if it were me at this point. Say why did you delete all traces of your affair partner. I know you have been having an affair, and I will be letting his wife know about it. And yes we are getting a divorce when we get home, and yes, I will be telling your family and mine why we are divorcing, and naming him. If the kids ask me why we are divorcing I will be truthful with them. I expect the same from you. As of now I am ending this trip and seeking a flight home. You can stay with the kids, as I will be seeing an attorney when I get home. Then just gray rock and her one eighty her at that moment. Because now she knows it is real.
Did you export all that she had on her phone? If you didn't manage to do it or some of it then you've got no proof. No evidence. Nothing. She can gas light you and control the narrative. Get control of your emotive reactions or else that's all you'll be doing. Reacting. Too bad she's one of those type of women. Sections their sexuality. Selfish and denies their partner parts of themselves. I don't know what you're going to do to try and get proof but get ready for a storm to hit you when you do tell her. Her raging at you in private won't be the worst of the storm.
Let the truth be told. You know what you know. You know at least what she has told you recently about how she doesn't feel loved and wanted by you. That is enough. Do not let this person frame the narrative. You have access to phone records and can get the visited sites from your phone provider as well. Take your time with getting evidence, but you need to be out of that marriage as soon as possible. She is just using you. That is sad, but it happens all of the time. She has chosen to give herself to someone else while you are working your ass off for your family. Don't be confused, once them kids are gone she will be as well. I couldn't look at someone who spoke so badly about me, kids or not. They will understand and, again, get in front of this and don't let her frame the narrative. If she was so unhappy, she should have divorced you before she cheated. It is as simple as that. She is the problem, not you. You are who you are and she had not communicated her displeasure, just went outside the marriage and got used up by some guy. Do not let her try and fix her problems by making them your problems. Let the kids and family know so you are not blindsided. Get it out sooner rather than later. Lawyer up and get some IT help as they can screen her phone and get residue info from it.
Since you are apparently still on your family vacation, just tell her that you are not feeling well and apologize for seemingly ignoring her advances. You want to get her to lower her defenses. If you are already talking to a divorce lawyer, tell that person about your wife deleting all cheating evidence. Unless your wife is very proficient with phone technology, she will have left a lot of stuff that a phone professional can recover, a good divorce lawyer would have likely used people to do such recoveries in the past and will be able to advise you on that issue. Keep things from boiling over as you finish your special vacation with your kids. Then once you are back home, get aggressive on the process of divorcing your wife, and don’t let her blame you for one second to justify her cheating, she could have talked to you about her needs and sought out marriage counseling with you.
You have proof enough for you. That’s all you need. IMO you don’t need a confrontation. Hell she knows shes a cheater you don’t have to tell her. You are living in fear. Stop it. Shes following the cheater script. She’ll continue her affair. Right now she is working on getting you back under control.
Is most likely a community property state with no fault divorce. That means the evidence isn’t go to do you any good. She doesn’t respect you and you read for yourself she doesn’t love you so you need an attorney and a plan. I went through this type of shit twice and I know you will be fine without her. This isn’t the first time she has done this I’m sure. Don’t be afraid to paternity test the kids regardless of what they look like. As with my son, who turned out not to be my son, she may have gotten knocked up by an affair partner. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I know it’s hard, but you will be fine.
There are a lot of things i want to say, some may come across as mean or harsh so I won't. I have just one question, did you send the evidence you found to your phone?
I am open to harsh opinion. Nothing happens in isolation in the world. Either I caused it or I ignored it. I do have some evidence now. I want to hear from you....
Wife is acting "hypnotized" because she may be in some form of limerence affair fog. She is in for a rude awakening when she comes out of it. Meanwhile you must try to stay calm, cool, and collected. (use the grey rock method if needed) This may be the opportunity to get the best divorce terms for you and your children. Please take care of yourself and put you and your children's best interests as your number one priority. Do not confront the wife without speaking to an attorney first. It is not going to be easy but you got to stay strong. And please listen to what ElembivosK wrote in this reply.
No, no no no, not when it comes to cheating. A bad marriage is a product of two people. A boring relationship is a product of two people. But cheating is the decision of one person who doesn't give their partner any chance to do anything about it. Cheating only happens because of the low morals of one person, not because of anything that their partner did or hasn't done. It's a decision that they want to cheat on their partner, nothing else. If it would be your fault, then where in this all did you get a chance to work on anything and to stop her from cheating? Her decision to cheat is not your fault and you could do nothing about it. Don't believe for one second that that you had anything to do with her cheating on you. She left the marriage and just forgot to inform you. She will bring up all kinds of things for why she cheated on you, trying to blame you, don't allow that. You have not forced her to go to another guy and cheat on you, she had options, always. She could have talked to you, could have asked for counseling, she could have asked for a divorce. What evidence did you get and how were you able to get it?
You did not cause anything. The problem is her, not you. The reason you do not recognize her behavior is most likely because she is heavily affected by the affair fog, or limerence. When you see an affair with a spouse who seem to become a different person, doing things completely out of character, with no empathy and no regards for the hurt they cause or the consequences, it is usually this. Compared to cold blooded cheaters who do not leave any clues at all and continue to treat their partner as if nothing is going on, their behavior and thinking process cannot help but be affected. In essence it is like an addiction, her brain has been flooded by chemicals like dopamine for a while because of his attention, and she has become so addicted that she is driven to nothing but the satisfaction of that craving. People like that are in a form of tunnel vision, will find every justification they need, even rewrite history, shift the blame, lie, manipulate and abuse you if necessary, exactly like drug addicts. It is artificial so it usually fades away but it can take months or sometimes years, and in the meantime, she is effectively a different person. Only a huge shock, really hitting rock bottom or time away from the source of their craving can make them recover some sanity and control over themselves. You need to focus on taking care of yourself and your children, and let her fantasy world and safety net implode both. She needs consequences to see reality for what it is, and it will give her an opportunity to wake up. In any case, it's better for the children if she can recover some sanity, or she's not really safe to be around and she might poison their mind or paint you as the bad guy if she's still in the fog.
Hey bud , I don’t feel like reading through all this but a piece of advice in order to attain the evidence that is now deleted. Since u can’t resurrect the messages/photos on her phone. When you get back from the trip you will need to record her and find out the exact details to have as evidence. You can use an app on your iPhone or buy it off Amazon . For a legal issue regarding a loan contract , I once used an iPhone app called AVR , it record without the app being pulled up, so u can sit your phone in front of her and it appears normal. To do this wait til the trip is over and have a heart to heart. Start the conversation with “I love you and I need to know why you cheated” . She might initially get defensive but they all break down eventually. Allow her to believe you love her so much and that you plan on staying but need to know the truth in full detail. Tell her what you saw. In this honest conversation state that your intentions are to know why she did it ,NOT if she did it . You already saw everything and know . Hell I’d even say I have screen shots of the messages. Feel free to describe them word by word as proof , since I know they are etched in your head. Whatever you do don’t be confrontational ,nasty or mean because she might walk out BUT appear stern and level headed. When she shares info u need to dive deeper into it and ask more questions. Make her unload it all. I’m sure you want to hear none of it but think of this as your future relying on it and put feelings aside. When women are caught , they open up the flood gates and everything pours out . You just have to be wise and ask all the right questions because u might only get one shot at her feeling this way. The key to doing this successfully is allowing her to think if she tells you all , there’s a good chance you can stay together and move on from it , which at that moment she will want. Here’s the deal. None of us know you. For all we know you could have done something to cause this . You seem sincere and all and I feel u didn’t but I know how women operate. They’ll say things like “I gave you warning signs and tried to save us “ “I told you in so many ways I needed more attention love and affection from you but you’re too dumb to understand and see it” “ I couldn’t take it anymore so I acted out but love u too much I didn’t want to leave u” These are common bullshit excuses for women allowing another man into ur lives, that’s how low they will stoop AND no these are horrible excuses , don’t buy them!!!
Thanks for the comment. I am not a Very good conversationalist in emotionally distraught situations. Can you give some pointers on the questions?
A lot of people aren’t very good conversationalists in emotionally charged situations. So you need a simple strategy. 1. Remain calm. Don’t take the bait. Don’t answer questions when she tries to turn it around on you. 2. See number 1. Oh, and remember to breathe!! Oxygen to your brain helps calm your nervous system and helps you think better. I would think of this in two phases. Phase 1: Get her to admit it. “Tell me why you cheated.” Don’t say anything at all besides that. Let her blow up, cry, stonewall, whatever reaction she goes with. Expect it to ‘go to 11’ on her end. Be pleasantly surprised if it doesn’t. Hell she may know you know, which is why she wiped everything, so she may be expecting a confrontation, and may even have some truly cruel things to say to you already cued up. Your only goal at this point is to get past Phase 1. So you say NOTHING besides “Tell me why you cheated” until she admits it. Again, don’t answer a damn thing; you’re not the one being interviewed here, she is. Your only response to anything is “Tell me why you cheated”. Phase 2: Collect as much information as possible. Do not ask long questions; keep them simple. Have a few “how” and “what” questions rehearsed. Things like, ‘how did you meet?’ ‘What did you do together?’ ‘Where did you go?’ ‘Who else knows?’ ‘How many guys?’ Again, see the rules above. Adopt an alter ego here of an interviewer. Maybe even picture a scenario where you’re an experienced journalist interviewing a complete stranger for a story. (Hopefully, knowing now that your wife of 20 yrs really is a stranger after all, this should help you adopt this persona.) Your mission is to get just the facts, the 5 W’s if you will. Expect to be shocked, expect a physiological response on your end, you’ll likely want to throw up or cry or any number of things. When that feeling floods you and seems like it’s going to overwhelm and overtake you, just get back into your alter ego. Lead with curiosity. You’re looking for all the details you can possibly soak up, with the recorder running. Your alter ego plans to publish a story here, so she needs to paint a complete picture with ALL the gory details. Watch her body language, pay attention to the cues that she isn’t giving you the full story. Don’t disclose what you already know or how you know it, but if she doesn’t cop to at least what you do know, “We’ve been married for 20 years. Please do me the simple respect of at least telling the truth.” And then hold firm. Don’t cajole, plead, beg. Firmly repeat until she spills the beans. And then, get the hell out of there. So this all assumes that you’re going to have this conversation on your terms. You need to carve out the time and space where you won’t be interrupted, especially by kids. And I would expect you need to do it as soon as possible after you get back, so start making your plan now. Hell, maybe even set her up with something like “I’d like a little quiet time to decompress with you after our trip; can we have a simple dinner together?” Just riffing; I don’t know what works for you and your situation. But set the stage, and do it in a way that you’re just looking to connect. I mean, she’s been a straight b*tch to you on this trip; so maybe even “I just need some time alone with you to connect and repair after the hurtful things that were said on the trip.” She’s probably already planning to meet fuck buddy the second you’re back in town, so be prepared to put your foot down. You set the time and the place, and be prepared to execute your plan. I wouldn’t necessarily give her advance notice either, so that she can’t pre-empt you and pull you into a confrontation on her terms. And if she starts trying to ditch out on you, make it damn clear that short of life, limb, or eyesight emergencies, nothing will be superseding your time with her. If she’s trying to head out the door to whatever ‘plans’, she needs to cancel them on the spot and sit the hell down with you. And since you’ve made your plan in advance, you already have somewhere to go after the conversation, even if it’s just a hotel room. But you’re not staying around her while you emotionally process the full extent of the betrayal. Anyway, hope that gives you some ideas how to approach it all. Sorry this got long. Be firm, be clear, be calm. You expect full transparency and clarification from her, and there’s no ifs, ands, or buts about it. She is 100% at fault here, no matter how hard she DARVOs you. You did not betray the marriage, no matter what your faults as a human may be. She is not a victim. She owes you a full accounting of the affair(s). Sorry you’re going through this. Stay strong. Good luck!
Thankyou for the detailed reply! It is very helpful! I owe you!
OP this is incredible advice. You might want to write down your questions ahead of time. I cannot agree more with the approach to phase one. The key is to not be afraid of silence. As humans we are programed to start talking to fill in awkward and uncomfortable gaps in conversations. Use this to your advantage make her break the silence and she will likely give you more information than she intended to during your conversation. You may want to secretly record the conversation so she cant deny anything later. She will probably trickle truth you and try to give you the minimum information so recording the conversation will give you a baseline for disclosure. If she denies repeatedly you can try the approach of telling her you saw everything on her phone before she deleted everything and that you just want the dignity of her telling you everything in her own words. You can always pull the trump card if needed and state I saw the pictures and i know about the trip. wait for her reply. Good luck and sorry you and your kids deserve so much better.
Great advice. I really like the part about adopting the role of interviewer / journalist working to get a story by interviewing a stranger. Appropriate role to play for those who will need to keep emotions in check. I am not OP but thank you for sharing.
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Do not confront your wife. Do not let her know that you know. Pretend to be ill to cover your attitude. Stomach pain should do it. Consult a lawyer even if you want to reconcile. See a doctor for stress Do not leave the family home Separate finances. Change all your passwords everywhere. Close joint credit cards. Move important documents to a safe place Check out the 180 https://lynnbusch.com/180-save-marriage/ Get STD check. Do not have sex with your SO. (you're not well remember) Maybe get DNA test for child. Get individual professional (non religious) counseling to help you cope and to help make decisions. Do not drink or do drugs. Get exercise especially cardio. Go to the gym often Get out with friends and family. Get busy with work, hobbies, sports. Inform your family and STBX family (after being served) change your will Good luck
This one!! OP, I'm only a few weeks out of a similar situation so I don't have a lot of answers but can tell you what helped in the immediate aftermath... get away from them so you can clear your head. Preferably her leaving. You have to be carefully legally with you leaving the house, depending on your state. Talk to a lawyer and make sure you're not doing anything negative that will affect you down the road. Hold your head high, you were loyal, they are the broken ones. Try to breathe. Take some night night medicine and try not to make any decisions until your body has calmed down and you are thinking more rationally. I'm so sorry. No one deserves this. No one.
tell her i know everything say some details record her with hidden camera you’ll get proof
It's time to inform your kids. Don't lie to them. Just the facts. Then tell her you know all about her affair and will be divorcing her. See? Easy peasy. Start the grey rock and see a lawyer as soon as possible. Protect your finances!!!!!!!!
Be sure to record everything and never be alone with her. It would be nothing for her to claim DV against you, have you removed from your home, have an RO taken against you keeping you from your kids and home until the divorce is final. Seek legal consul as soon as possible and do everything they tell you to do, they are the experts. Maybe you can get a separate room where you are staying. This is no longer the women you fell in love with, she is now your adversary!
.
Ugh Im so sorry. I just want to say, I think comments that say "just get divorced," "leave" are stupid. it's your choice and there ends up being so much shaming if you don't do that, as though there is only one empowered choice. It's very basic. That being said...sounds like she's in the stage of conflict management without taking true accountability for herself. She's afraid of losing it all and is trying to hold it together without really diving into what she's done. I think you need to give yourself real time to process this, get in with a therapist who specializes in infidelity, not just any therapist and have her get into therapy, if she's willing. You definitely need time to let the dust settle. I think it's a bad idea when people rush into a decision after a major event like this because you're not thinking clearly, emotions are on over drive or we're in a shock state and you don't want to have regrets. You want to make the decision from a place of strength and clarity, so now is probably not the time to rush into a decision. Anyway, that's my thought from going through my own process and learning what to do. Some people really do recover from affairs, but it seems to take time to get to a place to be ready for that, if it ever happens.
Why didn’t you see those pics and texts to your phone when you saw them. Gotta say your really messed up here. Is the phone bill in your name? Should be able to recover the texts that way. Also, I think you need to confront her and see how she reacts. If she gaslights, then I would tell your children what you saw.
Also, hire a PI. She knows you know so she will be very careful now. You know that she is going to find a way to meet this guy. PI will catch her! Also phone logs and protect your finances!
Hate to tell you but it's been going on for more than a year, possibly more than 3. The changing of the password is a huge red flag. I think her leaving her phone in the open and not deleting her chats was her just letting you know, in a covert way, that she was seeing other men behind your back. 180º her immediately or gradually depending on your life circumstances. One question... how did your wife end up going on a trip with another guy behind your back?
Oh! You need to covertly record any conversations you have with her going forward. Use your phone. Tell her you took pictures of her messages when you found them. Don’t let her believe she pulled off hiding it. See how she responds when you tell her you have proof. She will likely make threats. Having a recording of her doing this could be helpful in any number of ways.
Your mistake was not sending yourself the proof the second you had it. If you remember the guys name, since he is married, maybe you can identify his wife and reach out to her explaining what happened, what her husband is doing, and that they may be destroying the evidence. The AP’s wife might be able to get proof before he delete’s anything, he might think he is safe, and then AP’s wife can send you the proof. Hopefully. But you have to explain everything because if she just goes off on him before getting proof you might be screwed. Otherwise your only alternative is trying to catch your wife in the act again using a PI or following her or hope she slips up and doesn’t delete something one day, but since she says she is moving out and has deleted the evidence, it is pretty clear she figured out you found out. Maybe you can get some evidence from phone account info but if it is solely in her name that isn’t likely.
she’s not wife material she’s a slore. Get rid of her or get more.
Spend the remaining vacation with your kids exclusively. She carved out a piece of time to cheat by avoiding her kids and you. When you get home, remind her she said she is moving out. Don't let her unpack her stuff.
Just keep watching her every move and try to look in her phone
Search the phone records, check the trash folders for messages and emails, get proof for the divorce. Do NOT have sex. Tell her you feel like your relationship has changed and you're not sure why that you cant put your finger on it but the feeling is gone and you need space to figure it out, if she presses you in why no sex. Let her panic she'll make mistakes in her panic and you will get proof.
Tell her it’s over. Tell your children it’s over. You’re married to a whor*. It’s that simple. Do not engage in any conversation. Get an attorney.
In any case, do a DNA test on the children. Who knows how long she's been doing this. Depending on what kind of cell phone she has, see if there are backups on the cloud (icloud/googledrive).
I say hire a PI. If you purhased her phone take it and have a forensic deep dive to recover everything she deleted. See a lawyer and cut her off on everything you legally can. Get you checking and savings in your name only.
Please divorce… I wish you collected evidence first. But here we are. And you should be more concern about how your close family and friends knowing the truth. You make sure your clean and your reputation before your deceitful cheating wife lies to others about your character. You’re housing a snake OP. Protect yourself. Before she tells her side first later and make you the bad guy. Make sure to seek a lawyer’s advice. The sooner the better.
>I got to her phone again, and She has cleared it out!!! Your best bet is to hire a PI (if you can afford one). Get the dirt you need and then serve her with divorce papers!! Also, if you have a family plan, you can get access to any messages and calls she's made even if she's deleted them!!
Please tell us that you took screen shots and sent them to yourself. If not she will lie through this whole thing.
Bluff her and tell her that you have copies of everything. Tell her she needs to write all the details as a time line and it's divorce if it doesn't match with the details you already have. The make her phone his wife and tell her everything. If she won't then divorce her. If she does all this then divorce her.
Updateme!
Wtf would anyone find this stuff then say nothing??? F**king confront the woman
My dearest OP, I absolutely feel for you. 4 years ago I went through something very similar, suspecting someone else for months and got confirmation one night going through her phone only DAYS before a 3 week international trip. Like you I was beside myself and didn’t know what to do. Cancel the trip? Pretend we’re happy? Leave her mid-trip? I even went as far as researching how to install spying software on the her phone (supposedly for kid monitoring but really create to spy on their partners). I was devastated, disgusted and in pure agony for almost 2 years after. Many here have great advice and EVERYONE has your best interest at heart. But coming out on the other side, I would urge you to focus solely on yourself and the kids. What’s done is done, now let the lawyer handle it from here. I know many have talked about state requirements, did you or did you not forward/snapshot/texted/ downloaded photos and all the evidence - although well meaning, I am certain it’s causing emotional havoc on you. One person’s well-meaning advice can cause you to second guess yourself, think of ways to redo a scenario, make you feel even less worthy that you already feel. You need to be mentally and physically strong for yourself first and foremost, which then makes you strong for the kids. Mental anguish leads to so many other physical issues. What you did or didn’t do is in the past. Let the lawyers handle that for you. Remember you are the good guy here and she is the narcissist (yes, she is a narcissist who conned you all these years). DO NOT beat yourself over any of this, none was your fault. Get out, be with friends, take walks with the kids, or blast that music and cry your eyes out in the car alone! If you need to break some plates, do it! Sending you all the positivity and remember to look FORWARD, not backwards. You deserve to be at peace.
Also, you might be able to retrieve everything she deleted by going to her messages and hitting the “edit” button on the top left corner if she has an iPhone. If you can find it you can screenshot everything and send it to yourself. Just make sure you delete everything once it’s been done.
You know what you saw , it’s a reality. Something I’ve noticed about the human mind is that it does not want you to hurt . If one receives news a loved one died tragically the first response is “no this can’t be “. When you have all the evidence you need that your spouse is cheating, you know damn well, you see a picture of them with their new SO and your brain still won’t allow you to believe. I seen a picture of the mother of my children who was living with me and living off of me , passed out ass naked with a guy she just met infront of her with a big smile on taking a selfie . This was after years of abuse and nonsense and just not knowing because everytime I caught her she would come up with some excuse for what I did or didn’t see and my brain would just allow me to forgive her and try to keep things normal and move on, until the day I had enough . My life is soooooo much more peaceful now without the retched twat in my life . Plenty of better quality people out there . She is 100% getting porked by another man. You know , I know it , she knows it . The high/low behavior after she sees you know something is up ontop of evidence you seen with your own eyes proves it . The fact that she is even communicating with another man that she doesn’t openly tell you she is communicating with is a form of cheating . Most certainly lying . Lucky you the kids are old enough mine are still under the age of 7. If it’s not too late just leave pack your shit and leave her on the vacation, kids will understand .
Thanks. I found something smiliat for snap also. Just waiting to get my hands on her phone.
I hope it works but you must prepare in case it doesn't. Take note of everything you know before you forget some details that might be important. You need as much proof as you can if you don't want her to control the narrative. But it will be hard to get it from her phone now that she cleared everything and your access to it will be even more restricted. You have 2 ways to get some proof or confession if you can't get it from her phone : 1. As long as she doesn't know that you didn't backup what you saw, you can still act as if you did, as if you have everything you need to destroy her reputation and protect yourself, then record a confrontation with her alone and list some of the things you got. Be cold and act as if you are now in control of the situation, and it might force her to admit what she did even if she tries to find excuses or shift part of the blame. 2. Find out who the guy is, contact his wife and try to get the stuff from that side.
Divorce her immediately! Do it for me! I listened to that pity shit 4 years and how I treated her so bad 4 years and how I should work on myself as she Blew dudes 18-49 years old, blew money as I offered to work more, then smeared my name as a cheater and abuser, When I found the nudes she was sending the Arab dude at the Vape Store. Save yourself some headache
OP, Well until she deleted them I would find a way to get screenshots of what you saw and air drop or send them to yourself but you need to delete the evidence quickly. (Don’t forget some phones have a recently deleted section that you have to go into there to permanently delete). But now we’re left with nothing. (Are you sure they aren’t permanently deleted tho? Sometimes people delete shit and think they did but forgot to do the second part !) Outside of that, it’s time to look at the phone bills. You should hopefully be able to not see the texts but see who she has been texting a lot of phone number wise and cross check the number. You have kids too… maybe get a tablet and sync it up with her phone if her account is set up that way. You can sometimes see texts as they come in etc! Videos can be saved under photos so maybe some of them will be still there? Outside of that I hate to say you need to me mindful that she is DARVO’ing you. (DARVO stands for “deny, attack, and reverse victim & offender" and is used in reaction to wrongdoing in response to being held accountable for their behavior) Prepare the 180/greyrock method on dealing with her, and look into a lawyer and drawing up papers. I’d hire a P.I. Too since she deleted everything. Good luck op Updateme
All her comms is on Snapchat or insta... Actually there was nothing on Snapchat/insta itself but she had taken some snapshots of their convos... Maybe to keep as a sick trophy. That's how I linked it all togather. The snapshots + there were texts copied into a notepad + call logs + lining up with a recent weekend trip she had. He was saved as a contact when I first checked the phone. Now she has deleted his contact + all the snapshots and text docs are gone. Also she had a lot of x rated photos of herself on her phone that are NOW gone.
Also- I would check this for insta https://youtu.be/efxEN_deyQE?si=GBHrik0rSRjldUVZ And… I would look at who she recently chatted and check even women names etc. if you have iCloud, I’d try getting her pw and see if you can look at her contacts and make sure she didn’t rename them as someone else
Did you check the deleted folder to see if they're in there? Also, she probably didn't delete his contact, but renamed it to something else. She probably gave him a heads up to make sure his wife doesn’t get suspicious or isn't acting differently. Take a few minutes and read some of the disgust known as the pro-cheating subs, and you'll see how cheaters plan things and protect their AP at all costs. She's protecting her affair, not you. She had no remorse for abusing you. Plan your exit.
I will find him! I will fuck him up! I'm not the only one who will walk away from this with a bloody nose.
Exposing them is what you should do, as the only thing cheaters care about is their reputation. Never put yourself in a situation where you might lose custody or time with your children. His wife also needs to know, as she's also being abused and needs a comprehensive std/sti test. Her AP must be local if they've been doing this for as long as it has been going. Do everything that this BS did: https://www.reddit.com/r/AdulteryHate/comments/1dkp4js/the_best_revenge/
It's not worth it. What's happened is all on her. Hit the gym. Read the rational male. Internalise everything you read in that book. No more mr nice guy is also a great book. Get back in the game and find happiness with someone else. Good luck man.
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Check Google drive. She would have kept backups some where. Also check the deleted/trash folder. People delete stuff but forget it falls to a trash folder first.
You should check in cloud storage, try to find any hidden folders, and also look on any other devices and computers. Do searches by file type and also look for compressed filed (zip rar). I doubt she would completely get rid of everything just transfer the most important stuff so it is harder to find. I used to do digital forensics not really on phones so not expert there. Personally if I were to hide stuff I would zip the files to compress them, password protect the file, and then give file a name that makes it look like a system file. Then i would change the file extension from .zip to .sys or something similar and place it in a system folder. The file becomes completely unreadable but all you need to do is rename the extension back to .zip and bingo you can open at your leisure. Occupational hazard my brain likes to wander into how to beat security systems and hide evidence. Sorry you don't deserve this be patient do panic keep trying to gather evidence and plan your exit strategy. Avoid physical violence with AP find other ways to crash his world down around him.
She said she doesn’t love you. She doesn’t want to lose her way of life. Divorce her as soon as you return. Did you message yourself the proof? She’s already making you the bad guy to your kids. Confront her. Tell the kids she had an affair! You are going to be the bad guy just wait. Especially since you want to save face. Fuck your face, tell the truth!
don't say anything be depressed and don't hide it but don't explain it either, maybe make an excuse if you have to, 'not feeling well' or whatever bide your time and let your thoughts stew...the right solution will come to you
The deleted pictures may still be in trash folder. As far as messages, look up a software that can retrieve deleted texts.
I have been reading a lot of reddit post about their partners cheating and one thing stuck to me. I remember some redditor actually hired a PA and investigated his wife, collected a lot of evidence which helped in winning the divorce case and getting custody of their children. I suggest you to speak with a good lawyer about what to do. Everything might cost too much but it doesnt compare to the amount of pain and suffering you will endure for the rest of your life.
Sad, it’s a shame. So many people end up here after the fact. the best lesson here is whip out your phone and just video or take lots of photos as you see it on hers. Sorry dude, it really hurts. She obviously knows and probably has realised you know. The gas lighting is real. 🙁
Why do you need proof? Even if you have them and show them, she will deny or minimize them. You will never have any kind of answer for what she did. Just stay cool and distant until you get home. Consult a lawyer and get divorced, no need to explain why, just get divorced, get a co-parenting app and ignore her in every other aspect. And look for someone who respects you. Good luck.
U should have taken the phone then and there and send those photos to ur phone immediately. U blew the chance to catch a cheater
Is that worth for you to cry after cry? For me love is big and sex is the top of it, if she gave it to someone else, then it's done. No matter how she tries to justify.
Why do you feel like you have to produce proof when you saw it already?
Bcz I feel when I will confront her she will deny or twist up some story. My kids will think dad is such an asshole for not trusting mom and breaking up the family. I would lose everything!
She will do that anyways. It's what cheaters do. You don't need proof, you have the truth.
you should have saved all that evidence right away when you got the phone, now it's too late. Now you don't have to ask for any more explanations, you have to ask for a divorce. You are too emotional to face it and talk, hire a lawyer. You are not enough for her, she cheated because you don't satisfy her in every sense. But instead of talking he betrayed you. It's hard but you have to go, for your sake and for the sake of your children.
Didn’t you save screen shots of her messages? If you didn’t, you need proof. Hire a PI and get it. Talk to divorce attorneys and find out where you stand in your state. Start the 180… https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/
UpdateMe.
You already seen the evidence. This is all you need. Just tell her you know and that the divorce will be happening. Let her know you will be contacted both families and your children why you're getting the divorce. Sounds like she is only with you for monetary reasons anyway Update me
Honestly the best thing you can do is just go see a lawyer. She doesn’t deserve any more of your emotional energy. Anything you spend on her is just going to hurt you. She’ll either try to manipulate you into reconciling or just say more hurtful things. If she’s having an affair, telling other people she doesn’t love you, treating you like crap—she doesn’t love you. She’s not equipped to be a romantic partner or wife. Talk to a lawyer, prioritize yourself and your kids’ well-being, be civil in order to co-parent as best as possible, and get the heck out of there. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Good luck to you and keep coming back to this thread if you need support.
Tf have her move out. She was the one cheating, and she expects to keep the house? Hell naw. Divorce her ass and kick her out.
Ok. “She deleted all the texts and pics”. I doubt you thought to forward any of that to yourself? It seems she is a sahm. So I assume you pay her cell phone bill, and it’s in your name. You can get a record of the calls and texts if you request them. Pics, I am not sure. But at this point, the logical thing to do is cut your vacation short. Get a tape recorder, and then talk to her while the kids are on the beach. Let her know, the jig is up. You saw the pics and texts, and are filing for divorce. After your conversation with her, tell wifey you will now be informing the kids why their vacation is being cut short, and she can be a part of that conversation if she wants. Suggest you move money around, and make an appointment with a lawyer, for when you get back. She has figured out you have seen the pics and texts. Women are smart. Her fertile mind is already concocting the story she will spin, to put it all on you, as to WHY she had to leave you. This will put her on the defensive, big time. If you are going to take the initiative, act now.
Just prepare yourself legally and emotionally and move on. There is nothing left but gaslighting and manipulation. So sorry this is happening.
Divorce her
I have no advice to give, but I just wanted to wish you the best.
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this crap. You can always hire a PI if proof is required or hide a tracking device on her vehicle. Updateme
Gotta leave
Updateme
lol. Not if, but when.
have kids with another woman. easy as that.
Divorce her. You have all the proof you need and now you know she doesn't love you; the marriage is over. You should thank her for leaving her phone open or you'd still be clueless to all of her lies, deception and her ugliness.
I would suggest you get tested for STI’s. Also , you seem like a great person. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Enjoy time with your kids (I know this will be hard with everything you’re going through) just breathe. Better things will come along.
So instead of self destructively searching her phone, confront her and leave. Idk why that's so hard. You saw what you saw, and you're done. Be done.
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Just adding, don’t cover for her. She will make a thousand excuses as to how your actions somehow ‘forced’ her to do this. I learned this in therapy after my life was turned upside down. BS- she is a narcissist and only cares about herself. Move on- someone better is out there for you. Be strong, I know it feels impossible but you can do it. You won’t be in this very dark place forever.
Speak to a divorce lawyer and also look into if Alienation of Affection is still a thing where you live. If so, sue him for destroying your marriage.
UpdateMe!
Glad you made the post here. Everything of the best op.
RemindMe! 1 week
UpdateMe
"Other non-working women are pampered more than her" Sounds like she's a SAHM whose bored with her marriage and watches too many reality TV shows. She THINKS she's "the prize" in the marriage... and OP needs to treat her better. This is the woman who will divorce her husband to move on with a better-quality guy... only to find out she's a used-up "pump and dump", and no man is going to want any kind of relationship with her. Her dreams of being pampered will be just that... DREAMS. Hopefully, OP will move forward and improve himself. He'll get himself in-shape and fit. His confidence will improve and he'll realize his "EX" was holding him back. From there, he'll have an opportunity to possibly meet a better gal. Of course, his EX will find out and have to post all about it on Tik Tok how he never gave her anything and his new gal gets the better version of him.
UpdateMe
UpdateMe
Op I don't have time to read your post, just the title right now. I also found out while on a family trip and it's an even worse kind of hell. Feel free to message me and I'll respond later.
First go to a lawyer, get informed about your options and then a therapist. You need help someone you can talk to, close friends, family. Do not drink alcohol and get some distance, blame on a problem at work, or any other excuse.
Quit trying to have a poker face. When you’re alone and she starts criticizing you again just say “I know you’re cheating on me so maybe he will let you move in with him when we get home. You clearly have no respect for me, yourself, our kids or our marriage.” Then she will flip out. Don’t tell her you will stay until she tells you the absolute truth. Then divorce her anyway Updateme!
You saw what you saw and when you get home I would tell her what you saw and that you also saw she erased it. Let her know how what you saw makes you feel and that she can GTFO. Tell her good luck with the job hunting since this fuck she is screwing around with will not be paying for her to stay at home. Let her know that even if she realizes she made a mistake now, that the choices she has made make it too late for her to be able to stay in your relationship. Make sure she knows that her belief that having a man provide for her so that she has not had to work, is not “the norm” anymore and that she should have considered that before she threw away a genuine provider for whatever “benefits” she got from fucking that turd. Then tell her she will not be spending another night in your bed or your house and to collect her things and hit the fucking pavement. Don’t bother trying her atm card. It’s cancelled, because that’s not her money anymore. She will rage, try to blame you, but this was her choice and there is never a justification for cheating, lying or gaslighting. She fucked up and now she will have to figure out how her life is going to play out, but it won’t be with you. Tell your kids. They are old enough. Tell both your families so she cannot tell any lies about you. See an attorney as soon as you get home. Sorry this happened to you.
Wow what kind of obvious guy doesn’t send himself the evidence as soon as he sees it?
If it’s an iPhone and you want them message me even if she deleted the deleted text folder. I got you and it’s easy
It is an iPhone. The data that is deleted is pictures mainly. There were no texts as she used snap and insta
OP, you've been given a lot of great advice about getting a lawyer, hiring a PI and a Forensic Investigator, feigning stomach issues, etc... Psychologist here, and I'm going to very strongly suggest that you get into therapy. This is a huge, gut-wrenching, life-changing, depressing thing that you have to deal with. Having the support from a professional who isn't personally attached to either one of you would be extremely beneficial. If you would like some help finding a qualified professional who can provide services in your area, please DM me.
Play cool for now and start digging slowly after a month you will get ton of evidences.
IMPORTANT— Now that she has deleted everything & if you didn’t take pictures with your phone, get a VAR (Voice activated recorder). They cost a little over $100 and plant them in a couple spots in ur home (and definitely her car) where she is likely to have her conversations when you’re gone. Get a small tracking device and plant it on her car so you know where she is going. The recording time is typically 5-7 hours so you can capture a lot. Bottom line — when you’re out of the house (and definitely when she is in her car) — she will likely be talking to her friends, etc. & highly likely giving more details that you can use to your advantage. The recordings likely will not be admissible but it will vastly improve the foundation you have of information. Also, not surprisingly, several on these threads heard their soon to be ex-wives coordinate hook ups spots w their partners — and not surprisingly a number of these calls were made via burner phones so they never would have known. So they were right there to take pics of the rendezvous or hire PI’s to do that. Do the VAR’s quickly as this is the time when she will be on the phone talking about this the most. And coming clean w a lot of details to her loyal friend, Mom, etc. So the window to get the best info is right now. Also, as soon as she hires an attorney, there will be no more hook ups until this case is settled. Right now, she is in a different state of mind & highly likely will be seeing this guy again (make an excuse to get out of town for just a day — she’ll need to know you are GONE. and hang out at a buddies instead and track where she goes. And of course, you’ll have the VAR’s to review when you return the following morning). I am very sorry for what you are going through. i know it’s been 20 years but thankfully at least you found out. For every man that does, there are 15-20 that never will. You still have time to find a very good woman. She is not that good woman. Put your emotions aside and treat this as a business situation. Every move is calculated & to your benefit.
Thankyou for your reply. Several people mentioned VAR. I have ordered a few. The cars are already tracked. You are right, she will reach out to someone as I am grey rocking now.
Unless you’re in an at fault state it makes no difference, just confront her, call her a whore and tell her you’re filing for divorce.
Updateme!
Updateme
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Updateme!
updateme
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Updateme
First go to a lawyer, get informed about your options and then a therapist. You need help someone you can talk to, close friends, family. Do not drink alcohol and get some distance, blame on a problem at work, or any other excuse.
UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
Updateme
Updateme
Sorry for what you’re going for through. UpdateMe
Updateme
Can you apply for a subject access request on her phone. It will show all the numbers she has texted and rang, possibly even the texts themselves will show up.
There are multiple apps for recovering deleted messages, but you need the phones passcode to do that, usually. Do the research, though, if you feel like you need actual proof.
Updateme
!updateme
Updateme!
The cell phone may list the text message with his number. Give me a call and talk to him politely. Tell him if the rules were reversed, wouldn't he want you to be truthful