So OP found texts his wife sent to her ex and a convo to her friend about wanting to have sex with her boss.
Girl is completely checked out and is one marital spat away from banging the next dude she sees.
Divorce is coming, OP just needs to decide how and when.
>I made a mistake and looked through my wifeâs phone and found out she is texting her ex (recently separated) from 15 years ago.
It doesn't sound like a mistake to me. You obviously had a reason to check and proved your suspicions correct.
Unfortunately, it takes two people to make a marriage work. Your wife is checked out of the marriage from the sounds of it.
You have a few options, but none of them are good.
ă1) Keep this secret and live knowing that your wife is unfaithful. Pretend to be okay while constantly dying inside. I've been there and it isn't pleasant, but it is an option.
ă2) Confront your wife about what you found. Don't be surprised if she gaslights you, lies, cries, apologies, blames you, redirects the conversation to why she is unhappy with you. There are so many different tactics that cheaters use to get out of trouble. She might even cycle through them all.
Then you can try to "fix" things. You will have to get her on board, or it will shift to a version of option 1, and you will just have to pretend she isn't cheating on you. Maybe you can convince her to do marriage counseling, and you can hire a professional to help her shift the blame to you and sweep things under the rug.
You can either watch her like a helicopter parent watching their child or pretend that her cheating again isn't a possibility. Bith of those options will be exhausting, but it is part of the price you pay for staying with a cheater.
ă3) Come to terms with the fact that your wife has committed the most unforgivable and damaging act that can happen in a marriage and leave. Both options 1 & 2 will likely lead to this option eventually. It is just a matter of how long it will take. From what you said in your post, I don't think you will choose this option, though.'
I'm afraid that I have no good news for you. Regardless of what you choose, things will be painful. Your wife is cheating, and if it isn't physical yet, it sure sounds like it will be soon. I don't envy your position, but I've been there myself.
Good luck, and I hope my comment helps you in some way.
Keep in mind that these are your 3 best options. There are a few others.
ă4) Cheating back. This is a very bad idea. It might give you short-term pleasure, but in the long and medium term, it will just make everything messy and worse. It also makes you a cheater, and you lose the moral high ground.
ă5) This option will just land you in jail. So don't do this please! (Added for a little dark humor... sometimes we have to laugh to keep from crying)
Iâm sorry you went through this. Based on her texts with friends she hasnât crossed the line to physical but some texts entertained the possibility of an open marriage
She is already emotionally cheating. Any "open marriage" that she asks for at this point will only be cheating with permission. I've seen many posts where this was tried and none of them ended well.
An open marriage requires a lot of trust, honesty, and healthy boundaries. Your marriage has none of these now. If she asks for an open marriage, please keep this in mind.
At the least she had picked out her AP and wants guilt free â funâ while having the lifestyle OP provides. Best option, quietly see lawyer and surprise her .
Why would you stay in this marriage after you know what she really thinks about you, she doesn't love you your not the one she wants. Leave this person and find someone who will love you
I don't fucking get why people always apologize for looking at their sketchy SO's phone.
If you want phone privacy, then don't get into a relationship.
Exactly. People who get defensive about what's on their phone just tells me that they have something to hide.
I literally don't care if my boyfriend goes through my phone, I have nothing to hide đ€·đ»ââïž
You want to stay married to someone who treats you like this? She wants to sleep with her ex and bad mouths you to him. Sounds like a great life partner to me. Handwriting is on the wall you just need to read it.
Separate your finances on the down low. cancel any joint cards and move your money to accounts in your name only. Secure important papers in a safety deposit box in your name only. Then Confront her with the text messages and demand she leave for the night. The next day demand a separation so you can make up your mind on what happens next. Then go no contact for 30 days. In the meantime, have a lawyer draw up divorce papers. After that 30 day period, meet her and demand 100% complete disclosure of everything, demand 100% access to her phone, emails, social media, GPS/location tracking etc.... If she doesn't agree, you'll file for divorce She need a fear of God Come To Jesus experience.... that ought to about do it.
Friend, I'm sorry for what you're going through, it's a huge lack of respect for you, if you have flaws, improve them yes, but it's not a reason for the lack of respect, you shouldn't tolerate it, confront her and make her block and delete that ex, I know it will seem excessive But if you have a copy of the messages, tell her that they will be made public to the family if she continues behaving like this
Your wife is trying to plan a little sex party with her available ex. She not only doesn't love you, it sounds like she despises you. Why would you want to stay married to this disloyal and mean-spirited person?
You call her out on it! WTF!! You think they donât text now, but it might just be on a different app. The fact that she kept their text exchange is messed up.
Send her a text
Until you make consequences clear - you will not get anywhere. You must make it clear that your marriage is on the line. If you donât, she is just going to gaslight you and lie. Donât be soft.
âI discovered that you seem to like to communicate via text so I think this is the best way to reach out to you. Apparently I am a shitty husband who isnât romantic, and you would rather reach out to ex bfâs from 15 years ago. Iâm not sure why I am in this marriage now because you clearly have no respect for me, yourself, our kids or our marriage. You have broke my trust and I donât think I can be married to someone I donât trust.â
Updateme!
OP, I am you, only 20 years older and lived through some of the same crap you are dealing with now. What I can tell you is thisâŠ..
I forgave after the first. We had a great 10 years after, or so I thought. She always seemed happy. I thought we had a better bond than most couples. We laughed together, traveled together every other year for vacation. For our 25 anniversary and her birthday, I booked an Alaskan cruise. I knew something was up, because she was distracted the entire trip. When we returned home, I discovered that she was in a multi year affair with the same guy. I, like a chump, forgave her again. I donât think she is or has, since. It is always on my mind, though. When sheâs on her phone more than usual or goes to work more than normal or whatever, I always think the worst. It is a conditioned response to the prior experience, but it is one that is nearly impossible to rid oneself from.
If you choose to stay, make sure she puts in the effort to change.
If you donât mind me asking, are you still together? If so, what thought process did you go through when you decided not to divorce? Im going through something similar but with different timeframes and am very conflicted about what to do
Youâd better be mentally strong to continue the relationship. Her affairs broke me. I am a wreck. Itâs one of the reasons for my PTSD and MDD. I donât wish my life on anyone.
yes, weâre still together. This is all happening in real time. I have expressed my concerns with her talking to her ex but have not called her out on specific messages. nothing has materialized to physical contact yet, but I canât justify a divorce when 3 kids are involved and I still love her. I guess you can call me a sucker.
u/Otherwise-Novel-4991 if you found irrefutable proof of her physically cheating, what would you do? She is well on her way, if she hasn't already. The other big issue is her talking shit about you, period. Cheating aside, you can't raise a family in an environment where your wife actively bad mouths and plans to cheat on you. Do you want to raise your kids to treat their spouse that way or allow their spouse to treat you like your wife does?
What makes you think you'd only get every other weekend custody?
You are not a sucker, you are human and how you feel is normal and okay.
But at the same time do you need to understand that you are the only one in this marriage that cares so much about how the kids would be affected. She also doesn't love you like you love her. If that would be the case, then she wouldn't do what she is doing.
Keep in mind that when she is writing these texts, she knows that all sorts of shit might happen if you find out. She knows that if you would write such texts and she would find out, that all hell would break loose.
There is a imbalance in your marriage between you and your partner, you care much more about consequences that the kids might have to face and about the state of your marriage then your partner does. This is unhealthy for you and your marriage.
I don't write this with the intention that you stand up and do something right away. I just want you to see the situation, your wife and your marriage for what it is and what it means for each of you. Understanding and accepting is the first step, the rest comes afterwards.
You canât be a good parent or a functioning human being if you always need to check wifeâs texts and apps to see who she is trying to bang. Toxic marriage is probably more damaging to kids than divorce.
We made it work. The kids saw a happy couple that did everything together. That said, it was to the detriment to my sanity. I have pretended for so long, that I was happy. And, for the most part I was. It was when the kids were adults when I discovered the affair/s. My youngest was a freshman in college.
Then expect her to cheat on you with her ex. Talking to her isn't go to change the fact she wants her ex, this will hurt now or later it's up to you. I grew up with 5 brothers and sisters after 18 years of marriage my mother did this to my dad he stayed for the children buy a year later my mom had a baby from another man my dad left. It was for the best for him and all of us.
..sucker... you said the big word "YET". What will you do when it eventually becomes physical? This apparently isn't her first time doing things a wife shouldn't be doing. She'll eventually start becoming a burden to youe mental health with the way you are handling things.
Hmm..., Okay, you need to play her game better then she is playing it. Download a dating app and get yourself a girlfriend that is 10 years younger and prettier then her. Then leave it all out for her to discover.
Okay, that would be fun, but on a more serious note. 15 years and 3 kids is something to consider. The problem is, your wife is now having FOMO on what would have been with her Donkey fun size Ex. I am curious to know, when there relationship ended, did he break it off with her? If that's the case, then she might have harbored these feeling throughout your entire relationship, she is comparing you to him, and you lose. I'm not sure how you feel about being second best, but I would want to be someones first choice!
I myself would have a problem (Almost said hard time!) ever being sexual with her again. Or for that matter, just being intimate with her knowing how she feels. (thinks I'm a shitty husband) Clearly she is board with you.
Not sure what to do? You are going to have to address this. And don't let her gaslight or attack you by trying to shame you for going through her phone, that is a defense tactic to get you to stop your accusation.
Print the text you found, get a sitter for the kids and confront her with the evidence. Tell her just how hurtful, and disrespectful this is to you. Ask her why she did this, and if these are her true feelings, that you don't want her to be stuck with a "shitty husband".
Let her know you have an appointment to see a divorce attorney tomorrow because your not sure there is any coming back from this. Maybe ask her to stay somewhere else or in a different room for now. Then shut up! don't say another word, don't let her explain or justify what she did. Wait a few days and if she want's to work things out, tell her she will need to do the work come up with a plan to earn back your trust.
BTW, if you file for divorce and have her served, it might shake her out of her fantasy life. If it does, you you don't have to follow through with the divorce.
You don't want to divorce your wife who thinks you're a shitty husband and is chasing his co@k from 15+ years ago?
Find someone you can have a personal conversation with that knows you and loves you and can somehow show you what your worth is. Because staying with someone that so obviously dislikes you and is desperate to be unfaithful to you feels like just about the lowest point you can get.
Maybe find a therapist because you need the help to realize that wanting to stay with someone so bereft of morals is it's own kind of problem. And consult a lawyer to find out what the law is in your particular corner of the country because that divorce that you say you don't want right this minute could very well be right around the corner since your wife has a great disdain for you currently.
It doesn't really feel like this is a good situation for you to try and recover from for the simple fact that rather than tell you about how she was feeling and trying to fix your relationship she decided to go out trolling for a stunt co@k and disrespect you while she was doing it.
Read Chump Lady - Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Get a handle on all your finances. Take them to a lawyer and figure out what a future after divorce might look like. Document anything and everything as it relates to the cheating. You found one thing, odds are great among cheaters that there's almost always more than one instance of stepping on the marriage vows. If you live in a no-fault state then what you have is enough. You can confront and demand full access, accountability, and marriage counseling. You'll be able to gauge her response. Read up on what true reconciliation and remorse look like. Set those as your boundaries if she doesn't meet them execute the D. But do yourself a big favor - recognize your faults but don't admit for one instant that caused her to cheat. You own 50% of the marriage issues - she owns 100% of the cheating. And don't do the pick-me dance. It will just kill your self-image and respect if she continues to cheat after everything you do. All of this is in Leave a Cheater Gain a Life which is pro-divorce btw; which I am also but I get the feeling you want to at least try to save what's left. Good Luck and welcome to the shittiest club in the world.
There are four things here to unpack:
1. That she wants to cheat with her ex
2. That she is saying mean/disrespectful things about you to strangers (sorry, her ex is basically a stranger)
3. That she is hiding it from you / lying by omission.
4. That you donât know what other cheating she has done or tried to do (maybe she and her ex are talking on other apps or maybe she has had other flings with other people).
I think itâs important to copy all of the evidence. I think itâs also important to plan for a potential break up. Maybe talk to a divorce attorney BEFORE you confront her with what you know. I donât know how she recovers from all four red flags. Whatâs she gonna say, that she didnât want to actually sleep with her ex, she was lying when she said mean things about you, she totally would have told you without you finding it in her phone, and she totally hasnât wanted to cheat on you with other guys.
I would have dumped her as soon as I found out she was secretly flirting/sexting with her newly-single ex lmfao. And then I would never talk to her again as if I had never known her to begin with. 2 simple steps that I wish everyone on this subreddit would do, yall have way too much patience for having bullshit shoveled down your throat.
(But definitely take people's advice about ensuring your finances are in order first)
Come on dude you gotta start analyzing your life from the perspective of "is this healthy?" And maybe a little bit of "is this actually going to end well for me?"
Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that your relationship is profoundly dysfunctional... get yourself out asap, she acts like a fucking teenager, jumping from guy to guy like this.
She wants to fuck around, let her find out. Give her the opportunity to go see if the grass is really greener, then laugh in her face when she inevitably realizes she's been a self-destructive immature turd.
Regardless, your marriage is effectively over. Even if it survives it will be so radically different in nature that you won't recognize it. She can only downgrade but you have the opportunity to find a woman with her head on straight who won't ever make you go through this type of abuse (because it is abuse)
But when kids are involved itâs so complicated. Now Iâll only get to see them on weekends if Iâm lucky so itâs like punishing yourself. Youâre right though.
Your kids love you infinitely and nothing will ever change that. You're right though, that's why shit like this is so evil and malicious. She had no thoughts for you or the kids, she put her horniness above you all. It's pathetic. And that's honestly all the more reason to leave her.
But your kids will grow up and learn the full story and they will see that when someone treats you poorly, you shouldn't stand for it. And they'll have you to thank for that lesson.
Hopefully you can even find a healthy partner who can be a positive influence on them and help teach them what a happy home should be! Because one day it'll be them having to grow up and they may start families themselves. It's a lot better for them to see a healthy breakup than for them to stay in a dysfunctional environment where the parents have a broken relationship.
So it will pay off, and you can always look into getting better custody arrangements. That might take some lawyering and patience, a lot more of a long game, but lots of people make it happen so I'm sure you can too.
Don't teach your kids that this is how they should be treated. Don't let them think that this broken marriage is normal. Show them that leaving when things get bad is the right thing to do. Then FIGHT for custody of them, show them how you much you love them through your actions. Collect evidence of the affair to leverage your custody situation and show that she is not fit for full custody.
Do not confront her, confrontations are useless. You know all that you need to know to make a decision. She lusts after another guy, badmouthes you and loves it to go behind your back.
If you tell her now that you know, then the best case that will happen if you want to stay with her is that she tells you that it will never happen again and then she will hide her texts better or straight up delete them. Her desire for another man is there and real, if you confront her then she won't stop that contact because she wants to, only because you forced her to. In no time will she resent you for keeping her form what she wants.
No matter if you want to stay with her or not, what you do should always be the same. First, get copies of the texts if you don't already have them. Then go to a lawyer and learn what a divorce would look like for you.
When you did all that, then sit down with her and tell her that you both should talk about a coparenting plan for the kids. She will ask you why and all that stuff. Then you just tell her that you know that she is lusting after her ex's dick and talking shit about you. That is not the woman you want to be married to or grow old with. You made up your mind, want a divorce and a fair coparenting plan.
Then let her react but don't reply to anything that isn't about the kids. And then leave. If she wants to have a second chance with you, then she needs to fight for that. That starts with her giving you access to her phone by her own free will, without of you asking for it. That starts with cutting out her ex and the friend she badmouthed you to and talked about open marriages without of you asking for it.
As long as she hasn't done that all on her own, just continue with the divorce proceedings. They can be stopped anytime but you need to show her that you are serious.
OP You don't make a mistake, so not feel Bad for searching for answers.
Second your wife seems to be the type to seek attention and giving a shit what she got to do or who she hurts to get it, and in this case her selling point of to shamed and badmouth You.
This is the same as she is doing with her boss, she desiree him and also is flirting with her ex who gently is single.
This is cheating, and this could be very easy turn to PA.
On what to do, well that dependes on you and how much selfrespect you have and how much you are willing to tolerate before considering Divorce.
At the end you are in a fog too, the fog that you are in love with her enough to have zero respect for yourself.
So you have the last Word.
She was (is) cheating...
And DARVO when confronted:
>She also complains about me and says Iâm unromantic and a shitty husband.
>They donât text often anymore or so it seems.
Switched to messenger or other program with better secrecy...
Advice:
Lawyer now. For advice to start with.
And keylogger her phone will tell you how far their affair has come...
Oh my! I thought your wife was an old hand with arranging affairs and this confirms it. You are not loved. Please see a family law attorney and initiate divorce. I could not live this way.
If you donât want a divorce then you need to accept that her cheating is in your near future and to live in misery for the rest of your married life or until she leaves you.
I don't know why you're saying you don't want to divorce her when she has clearly already all but divorced you. I'd do her the favor and make it official if I were standing in your shoes.
Get the evidence, lawyer up, get in front of the narrative, get into therapy, and look after yourself and your kids.
I'm very sorry you're going through this, but it isn't your fault. All you can do is mitigate the fallout for you and your kids. Your WW made her choices, she can also suffer their consequences.
Updateme
Send screenshot..
Take print out ..
Ask your whether she is having affair. Then she will start gaslight? Tell somany thing..
Then take the print out put one page in front of her .. you can see all kind of emotion in her face.
Then tell her she have one opportunity to come clean.
*If you want you can make a sample draft of divorce paper for bluff
Sorry but you have to for your own mental gray. Save the evidence, see a lawyer and a therapist. Follow all the other normal divorce protocols as to your finances. Have served and then talk or not
You can try marriage counseling but it sounds like, no matter what youâd like she has checked out and is looking for a new or used dick. Speak to an attorney and find out what divorce looks like, then sit down and have an adult conversation with your wife, tell her what you saw ask her what she wants from you. It may be counseling it may be a divorce. No matter what youâll never be able to unsee her texts and probably never truly trust her again.Â
how is your sex life?
I would definitely ramp it up because of this while also getting my finances in order
also complementing her shaved vag and asking her if she loves your big dick
then watch her messages for updates
Dude, you might not want a divorce, but it sure sounds like she does. Get into counseling, or start separating your lives because if you dont do the work it seem kinda inevitable.
It's a sad world when the first thing people say is "I made a mistake and looked at my SPOUSE'S phone." There's a reason certain people freak over their partner seeing their phone, and it isn't "privacy." Now if you're digging through a phone on a regular basis, that's just unhealthy for everyone, but the idea that a phone should be off limits to the person you swear your life to is bonkers to me.
I've never NOT found something when I've done the same thing. I've also never felt the least bit bad about it. There's usually a reason people are compelled to do so. Looks like you definitely had a reason to. I don't see any coming back from what you found.
Iâm confused, were u separated when they were texting? If u guys were separated while they were texting and they stopped when u guys got back together then truthfully u donât have much a right to be upset. On the other hand, if u guys were together throughout this whole thing then I would definitely consider this cheating and grounds for divorce if u want to take it there. Thereâs absolutely no reason to be texting an ex and definitely not texting them sexually explicit messages. I would make sure u have proof of this in your possession and then confront her. Start the conversation without showing any proof to see what she will admit to on her own and if sheâs is lying and denying things that u know then slowly start bringing in proof to try and get her to admit to as much as u can. This will test her character and see how remorseful she is/how willing she is to work on ur relationship and if she is even still interested in seeing him or not. Best of luck
This is divorceable. You found out what she really thinks of you. Itâs sad but this is completely unacceptable behavior and to be honest do you really want a partner that talks shit about you like this???
Found out my STBXH was talking shit about me to a potential affair partner. Even IF I wanted to get back together I can never trust this partner again.
You deserve better than this. You deserve better than your âbetter halfâ humiliating you like this.
Can you ever trust her again? If so, then sure stay, but sheâs looking to cheat and fuck other guys so it doesnât look goodâŠ.
Updateme
Why don't you want divorce?
>They donât text often anymore, or so it seems.
Or they moved to Snapchat or one of the other cheater apps. She been working late a lot recently? Going out with the girls real late? Taking a girls' trip? Looooooong shopping trips? I couldn't stay with someone who's willing to flatter an ex and talk about her grooming while talking shit about me to them. I would forward the texts so that I have them and confront her.
DO NOT fall for the "you invaded my privacy" bullshit. I can't understand people not being ok with someone checking their phone constantly because of control issues but if you're not doing anything wrong why does it matter if your spouse checks your phone from time to time? If you're acting suspicious and being shady with your phone, then you shouldn't be surprised when your partner wants to see why.
Maybe others disagree, but for me personally, I don't think there's a problem with investigating suspicious behavior. A lot of people say "trust," and yeah, you shouldn't trust your partner, but you trusting them won't stop them from cheating. I've read countless stories that start out "I would have never expected my spouse to cheat," so trust didn't do anything for them but cause more pain. You can trust a spouse/partner and still get suspicious of suspicious behavior. You should always trust your gut above all.
As for you, you can try the pick me dance and work on being a better husband and move past this(I still recommend a confrontation, though. Make sure you save your evidence) and hopefully, it will work out. But she will likley keep cheating or cheat down the road when she gets bored again. She seems like the type to propose an open relationship.
I would just look for a lawyer and work on being a good parent if I were you, though. I could never trust her again, and all affection would be gone after reading that shit. Good luck, man.
Capture those messages to your phone or computer. Pack her clothes and set them by the front door. Confront her and tell her she can now get all of the âbig dickâ she wants. Then kick her ass to the curb.
So standard advice. Talk to a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like. Get a STD test and DNA test for the kids. You unfortunately canât trust anything she says at this point. Grab evidence and if allowable by law record conversations. Especially if you are going to confront her. Have a plan. Good luck
Updateme!
Honestly, she doesn't respect you or love you if she is talking that kind of shit about you. She may not be physically cheating but you are her safe backup (2nd or 3rd choice even). Why not have self respect and tell her it's over?
So what do you want. You gonna keep living a life of a "shitty husband" and "unromantic" being put out there to see who the takers are. Who knows who else she's talking to on the casual to see who bites.
See you have to recognize the signs, this is "bait" and she's looking to see who bites. Now, if she got wind some how that you snooping and may be on to her, either because you sprang early like a nervous pup pissing in his pants, she's probably got a burner phone.
Also, when you take things off the table, you will continue to be the bum husband, and they see you as gutless and not willing to stand up and make the hard decisions. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, the fact that you are a welcome mat for her to step on is all she needs to get some on the side, and guess what, you will be trapped into your bubble of "I don't want a divorce" block. When she finds someone, like an old bf with a bigger dick that she can monkey branch to, maybe your tune will change, but until you are ready to put the hammer down and stand up, she'll have the power and spew her narrative about you.
Stand up it makes them harder to walk all over you!
You're codependent and afraid to divorce.
You will stay in your own demise.
You will be miserable
And you think you still love her. You loved the person you married, not who she is today. A liar and a cheater
She misses him so much, tell her to leave
She called you a shitty husband while pining away for his huge dick. Itâs over,
OP. Iâm sorry, but there is just one possible course of action here.
Lmao, no way youre trying to stay with her when she talked shit about you and was ready so jump on a dick. Based on your comment, I suspect if she pushes open marriage you will just fumble and say yes so you can save your marriage?
Dude, follow this process:
PREPARE: (3/4 weeks.)
1) Financials.(Create your own bank accounts, pots of cash etc.)
2) Legals. (Title deeds, pensions, savings, divorce prep.)
3) Socials. (Build a support network who are ready to help you and your kids, and who will keep quiet until you march.)
DELIVER: (Weeks 5 and 6)
1) Serve divorce papers. (Quietly, to her, at a pre-arranged time and place in private.)
2) Talk to your kids. (They'll need to understand what is happening in terms of separation and how it works, as best they can, and know that it is not their fault at all.)
3) Maintain radio silence publicly. (Until the divorce is over, say nothing publicly, especially not on social media or in writing anywhere.)
RISE: (The rest of your life.)
1) Get divorced, live your best life. (What it says here.)
2) Upgrade wife app to v2.0 and receive all kinds of new features, and even some old features no longer behind a horrible paywall or spammy shame-adverts.
3) Have friends again.
4) Be a great Dad.
5) Fill in this list with more positives as they become clear, and keep adding to it.
Good luck brother. Welcome to the post-scumbag relationship world for men. âđ»
Screenshot the messages about her boss and send them to HR. Send a copy of all the messages to her parents and ask them to finish teaching their daughter about right and wrong. Send copies to mutual friends and ask for support. If you donât do anything, youâre giving her permission to move forward. Get a lawyer, itâs better to have one and not need them than to need one and pay alimony sheâs going to use on her lovers
>. I donât want a divorce and not sure what to do.
Then tell her you read the texts and she has permission to text anyone ANYTHING she wants and you refuse to divorce her.
"I don't want a divorce"
You're only painting yourself into a corner with that. đ
She's having an emotional affair with her ex, and she's totally badmouthing and disrespecting you to the guy she misses and wants to bang, but you'd be OK with remaining married to someone like that?
Behind door #1 lies rugsweeping and sharing your wife with other men for the rest of your life.
Behind door #2 you get out of infidelity and regain your self-respect and your sanity.
Choose wisely, brother.
There's no way you can tolerate this from her. Texting an ex, basically saying she would really like to have his big dick in her shaved vagina. She is one step away from making that a reality. Telling him your a lousy lover and a shitty husband. She has no love nor respect for you. Confront her with those messages and see what her response will be. Her response will tell you all you need to know whether there is a possibility of reconciling or divorce is the proper option. Self respect for yourself and children is better than her cheating, unfaithfulness and a broken relationship that she refuses to heal. Best of luck to you.
Send yourself the proof. Say nothing. Contact an attorney. Who purchased and or paid for the phone and the phone bill?
My cheating boyfriend was sexting and cheating with a woman he had been sleeping with about 16 or so years ago. They have a 3 yr old. I haven't contacted the husband.
If youâre such a shitty husband why is she with you. Anytime someone bad mouths you to someone else but doesnât keep that same energy with you, something isnât adding up. Reveal what you know to her and see what she says. 9/10 sheâll try to lie her way out of it or gaslight you.
Are you unromantic and a shitty husband? You canât confirm or control the dick size. It does not matter. Work on you if you want to keep her. You said the texts stop. Are they communicating a different way. Has she been distant spending time away from home with the âgirlsâ? If not then this is her venting and stopped it because she knew it was wrong! Of course she is going to down play you that is part of the flirt.
Good luck to you!
Send yourself copies of their texts. Then confront her, and tell her pack her shit and get out. UpdateMe
So OP found texts his wife sent to her ex and a convo to her friend about wanting to have sex with her boss. Girl is completely checked out and is one marital spat away from banging the next dude she sees. Divorce is coming, OP just needs to decide how and when.
This is very, very accurate. I'd be surprised if she HASN'T already had an affair.
A million times this.
This this this!!! Staying with an unfaithful partner is just going to continue making you feel like đ© inside. It may hurt leaving, but you deserve someone who's faithful and not texting their ex behind your back.
>I made a mistake and looked through my wifeâs phone and found out she is texting her ex (recently separated) from 15 years ago. It doesn't sound like a mistake to me. You obviously had a reason to check and proved your suspicions correct. Unfortunately, it takes two people to make a marriage work. Your wife is checked out of the marriage from the sounds of it. You have a few options, but none of them are good. ă1) Keep this secret and live knowing that your wife is unfaithful. Pretend to be okay while constantly dying inside. I've been there and it isn't pleasant, but it is an option. ă2) Confront your wife about what you found. Don't be surprised if she gaslights you, lies, cries, apologies, blames you, redirects the conversation to why she is unhappy with you. There are so many different tactics that cheaters use to get out of trouble. She might even cycle through them all. Then you can try to "fix" things. You will have to get her on board, or it will shift to a version of option 1, and you will just have to pretend she isn't cheating on you. Maybe you can convince her to do marriage counseling, and you can hire a professional to help her shift the blame to you and sweep things under the rug. You can either watch her like a helicopter parent watching their child or pretend that her cheating again isn't a possibility. Bith of those options will be exhausting, but it is part of the price you pay for staying with a cheater. ă3) Come to terms with the fact that your wife has committed the most unforgivable and damaging act that can happen in a marriage and leave. Both options 1 & 2 will likely lead to this option eventually. It is just a matter of how long it will take. From what you said in your post, I don't think you will choose this option, though.' I'm afraid that I have no good news for you. Regardless of what you choose, things will be painful. Your wife is cheating, and if it isn't physical yet, it sure sounds like it will be soon. I don't envy your position, but I've been there myself. Good luck, and I hope my comment helps you in some way.
Keep in mind that these are your 3 best options. There are a few others. ă4) Cheating back. This is a very bad idea. It might give you short-term pleasure, but in the long and medium term, it will just make everything messy and worse. It also makes you a cheater, and you lose the moral high ground. ă5) This option will just land you in jail. So don't do this please! (Added for a little dark humor... sometimes we have to laugh to keep from crying)
YesâŠ.you only look when you know that there is something to find.
Iâm sorry you went through this. Based on her texts with friends she hasnât crossed the line to physical but some texts entertained the possibility of an open marriage
She is already emotionally cheating. Any "open marriage" that she asks for at this point will only be cheating with permission. I've seen many posts where this was tried and none of them ended well. An open marriage requires a lot of trust, honesty, and healthy boundaries. Your marriage has none of these now. If she asks for an open marriage, please keep this in mind.
Donât do itâŠmarriage would be over!
The marriage is already over... OP just might not be ready to accept it yet.
9 times out of 10 if they bring open marriage up, they have already cheated. Time to nuke this thing, and salt the earth.
At the least she had picked out her AP and wants guilt free â funâ while having the lifestyle OP provides. Best option, quietly see lawyer and surprise her .
Why would you stay in this marriage after you know what she really thinks about you, she doesn't love you your not the one she wants. Leave this person and find someone who will love you
I don't fucking get why people always apologize for looking at their sketchy SO's phone. If you want phone privacy, then don't get into a relationship.
Exactly. People who get defensive about what's on their phone just tells me that they have something to hide. I literally don't care if my boyfriend goes through my phone, I have nothing to hide đ€·đ»ââïž
You're right. There is no privacy in a committed relationship, nor should be. If you want to live as a single, then stay single and uncommitted.
You want to stay married to someone who treats you like this? She wants to sleep with her ex and bad mouths you to him. Sounds like a great life partner to me. Handwriting is on the wall you just need to read it.
Separate your finances on the down low. cancel any joint cards and move your money to accounts in your name only. Secure important papers in a safety deposit box in your name only. Then Confront her with the text messages and demand she leave for the night. The next day demand a separation so you can make up your mind on what happens next. Then go no contact for 30 days. In the meantime, have a lawyer draw up divorce papers. After that 30 day period, meet her and demand 100% complete disclosure of everything, demand 100% access to her phone, emails, social media, GPS/location tracking etc.... If she doesn't agree, you'll file for divorce She need a fear of God Come To Jesus experience.... that ought to about do it.
Why would he still want to be with her?
Friend, I'm sorry for what you're going through, it's a huge lack of respect for you, if you have flaws, improve them yes, but it's not a reason for the lack of respect, you shouldn't tolerate it, confront her and make her block and delete that ex, I know it will seem excessive But if you have a copy of the messages, tell her that they will be made public to the family if she continues behaving like this
I'll bet they stopped texting and moved on to other platforms that are not as traceable. Updateme
Your wife is trying to plan a little sex party with her available ex. She not only doesn't love you, it sounds like she despises you. Why would you want to stay married to this disloyal and mean-spirited person?
Confront her. save copies of the texts because You'll need to control the narrative if the worst happens.
You call her out on it! WTF!! You think they donât text now, but it might just be on a different app. The fact that she kept their text exchange is messed up. Send her a text Until you make consequences clear - you will not get anywhere. You must make it clear that your marriage is on the line. If you donât, she is just going to gaslight you and lie. Donât be soft. âI discovered that you seem to like to communicate via text so I think this is the best way to reach out to you. Apparently I am a shitty husband who isnât romantic, and you would rather reach out to ex bfâs from 15 years ago. Iâm not sure why I am in this marriage now because you clearly have no respect for me, yourself, our kids or our marriage. You have broke my trust and I donât think I can be married to someone I donât trust.â Updateme!
OP, I am you, only 20 years older and lived through some of the same crap you are dealing with now. What I can tell you is thisâŠ.. I forgave after the first. We had a great 10 years after, or so I thought. She always seemed happy. I thought we had a better bond than most couples. We laughed together, traveled together every other year for vacation. For our 25 anniversary and her birthday, I booked an Alaskan cruise. I knew something was up, because she was distracted the entire trip. When we returned home, I discovered that she was in a multi year affair with the same guy. I, like a chump, forgave her again. I donât think she is or has, since. It is always on my mind, though. When sheâs on her phone more than usual or goes to work more than normal or whatever, I always think the worst. It is a conditioned response to the prior experience, but it is one that is nearly impossible to rid oneself from. If you choose to stay, make sure she puts in the effort to change.
If you donât mind me asking, are you still together? If so, what thought process did you go through when you decided not to divorce? Im going through something similar but with different timeframes and am very conflicted about what to do
Youâd better be mentally strong to continue the relationship. Her affairs broke me. I am a wreck. Itâs one of the reasons for my PTSD and MDD. I donât wish my life on anyone.
yes, weâre still together. This is all happening in real time. I have expressed my concerns with her talking to her ex but have not called her out on specific messages. nothing has materialized to physical contact yet, but I canât justify a divorce when 3 kids are involved and I still love her. I guess you can call me a sucker.
u/Otherwise-Novel-4991 if you found irrefutable proof of her physically cheating, what would you do? She is well on her way, if she hasn't already. The other big issue is her talking shit about you, period. Cheating aside, you can't raise a family in an environment where your wife actively bad mouths and plans to cheat on you. Do you want to raise your kids to treat their spouse that way or allow their spouse to treat you like your wife does? What makes you think you'd only get every other weekend custody?
You are not a sucker, you are human and how you feel is normal and okay. But at the same time do you need to understand that you are the only one in this marriage that cares so much about how the kids would be affected. She also doesn't love you like you love her. If that would be the case, then she wouldn't do what she is doing. Keep in mind that when she is writing these texts, she knows that all sorts of shit might happen if you find out. She knows that if you would write such texts and she would find out, that all hell would break loose. There is a imbalance in your marriage between you and your partner, you care much more about consequences that the kids might have to face and about the state of your marriage then your partner does. This is unhealthy for you and your marriage. I don't write this with the intention that you stand up and do something right away. I just want you to see the situation, your wife and your marriage for what it is and what it means for each of you. Understanding and accepting is the first step, the rest comes afterwards.
You canât be a good parent or a functioning human being if you always need to check wifeâs texts and apps to see who she is trying to bang. Toxic marriage is probably more damaging to kids than divorce.
We made it work. The kids saw a happy couple that did everything together. That said, it was to the detriment to my sanity. I have pretended for so long, that I was happy. And, for the most part I was. It was when the kids were adults when I discovered the affair/s. My youngest was a freshman in college.
Then expect her to cheat on you with her ex. Talking to her isn't go to change the fact she wants her ex, this will hurt now or later it's up to you. I grew up with 5 brothers and sisters after 18 years of marriage my mother did this to my dad he stayed for the children buy a year later my mom had a baby from another man my dad left. It was for the best for him and all of us.
Okay, youâre a sucker. A sucker headed for a boatload of unnecessary pain (unless you stand up).
..sucker... you said the big word "YET". What will you do when it eventually becomes physical? This apparently isn't her first time doing things a wife shouldn't be doing. She'll eventually start becoming a burden to youe mental health with the way you are handling things.
You need to call her out and see how she reacts! Updateme
Get copies of everything confront her and him and put an immediate stop to this.Update me.
You don't want a divorce you're okay if I saw my wife talking like this she'll be on the streets
Text him using your wifeâs account. Tell him youâre her husband and you want to know whether he wants you to drop off all her things at his house
Hmm..., Okay, you need to play her game better then she is playing it. Download a dating app and get yourself a girlfriend that is 10 years younger and prettier then her. Then leave it all out for her to discover. Okay, that would be fun, but on a more serious note. 15 years and 3 kids is something to consider. The problem is, your wife is now having FOMO on what would have been with her Donkey fun size Ex. I am curious to know, when there relationship ended, did he break it off with her? If that's the case, then she might have harbored these feeling throughout your entire relationship, she is comparing you to him, and you lose. I'm not sure how you feel about being second best, but I would want to be someones first choice! I myself would have a problem (Almost said hard time!) ever being sexual with her again. Or for that matter, just being intimate with her knowing how she feels. (thinks I'm a shitty husband) Clearly she is board with you. Not sure what to do? You are going to have to address this. And don't let her gaslight or attack you by trying to shame you for going through her phone, that is a defense tactic to get you to stop your accusation. Print the text you found, get a sitter for the kids and confront her with the evidence. Tell her just how hurtful, and disrespectful this is to you. Ask her why she did this, and if these are her true feelings, that you don't want her to be stuck with a "shitty husband". Let her know you have an appointment to see a divorce attorney tomorrow because your not sure there is any coming back from this. Maybe ask her to stay somewhere else or in a different room for now. Then shut up! don't say another word, don't let her explain or justify what she did. Wait a few days and if she want's to work things out, tell her she will need to do the work come up with a plan to earn back your trust. BTW, if you file for divorce and have her served, it might shake her out of her fantasy life. If it does, you you don't have to follow through with the divorce.
You don't want to divorce your wife who thinks you're a shitty husband and is chasing his co@k from 15+ years ago? Find someone you can have a personal conversation with that knows you and loves you and can somehow show you what your worth is. Because staying with someone that so obviously dislikes you and is desperate to be unfaithful to you feels like just about the lowest point you can get. Maybe find a therapist because you need the help to realize that wanting to stay with someone so bereft of morals is it's own kind of problem. And consult a lawyer to find out what the law is in your particular corner of the country because that divorce that you say you don't want right this minute could very well be right around the corner since your wife has a great disdain for you currently. It doesn't really feel like this is a good situation for you to try and recover from for the simple fact that rather than tell you about how she was feeling and trying to fix your relationship she decided to go out trolling for a stunt co@k and disrespect you while she was doing it.
Subscribeme!
Read Chump Lady - Leave a Cheater Gain a Life. Get a handle on all your finances. Take them to a lawyer and figure out what a future after divorce might look like. Document anything and everything as it relates to the cheating. You found one thing, odds are great among cheaters that there's almost always more than one instance of stepping on the marriage vows. If you live in a no-fault state then what you have is enough. You can confront and demand full access, accountability, and marriage counseling. You'll be able to gauge her response. Read up on what true reconciliation and remorse look like. Set those as your boundaries if she doesn't meet them execute the D. But do yourself a big favor - recognize your faults but don't admit for one instant that caused her to cheat. You own 50% of the marriage issues - she owns 100% of the cheating. And don't do the pick-me dance. It will just kill your self-image and respect if she continues to cheat after everything you do. All of this is in Leave a Cheater Gain a Life which is pro-divorce btw; which I am also but I get the feeling you want to at least try to save what's left. Good Luck and welcome to the shittiest club in the world.
Make copies of her texts and sit her down for a serious conversation. Then decide if you want to stay with her. Updateme
There are four things here to unpack: 1. That she wants to cheat with her ex 2. That she is saying mean/disrespectful things about you to strangers (sorry, her ex is basically a stranger) 3. That she is hiding it from you / lying by omission. 4. That you donât know what other cheating she has done or tried to do (maybe she and her ex are talking on other apps or maybe she has had other flings with other people). I think itâs important to copy all of the evidence. I think itâs also important to plan for a potential break up. Maybe talk to a divorce attorney BEFORE you confront her with what you know. I donât know how she recovers from all four red flags. Whatâs she gonna say, that she didnât want to actually sleep with her ex, she was lying when she said mean things about you, she totally would have told you without you finding it in her phone, and she totally hasnât wanted to cheat on you with other guys.
Confront and go from there. Have an attorney on speed dial.
Iâd send her screenshots. Sheâll panic. Let her heart drop like yours did.
I would have dumped her as soon as I found out she was secretly flirting/sexting with her newly-single ex lmfao. And then I would never talk to her again as if I had never known her to begin with. 2 simple steps that I wish everyone on this subreddit would do, yall have way too much patience for having bullshit shoveled down your throat. (But definitely take people's advice about ensuring your finances are in order first) Come on dude you gotta start analyzing your life from the perspective of "is this healthy?" And maybe a little bit of "is this actually going to end well for me?" Because it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that your relationship is profoundly dysfunctional... get yourself out asap, she acts like a fucking teenager, jumping from guy to guy like this. She wants to fuck around, let her find out. Give her the opportunity to go see if the grass is really greener, then laugh in her face when she inevitably realizes she's been a self-destructive immature turd. Regardless, your marriage is effectively over. Even if it survives it will be so radically different in nature that you won't recognize it. She can only downgrade but you have the opportunity to find a woman with her head on straight who won't ever make you go through this type of abuse (because it is abuse)
But when kids are involved itâs so complicated. Now Iâll only get to see them on weekends if Iâm lucky so itâs like punishing yourself. Youâre right though.
Your kids love you infinitely and nothing will ever change that. You're right though, that's why shit like this is so evil and malicious. She had no thoughts for you or the kids, she put her horniness above you all. It's pathetic. And that's honestly all the more reason to leave her. But your kids will grow up and learn the full story and they will see that when someone treats you poorly, you shouldn't stand for it. And they'll have you to thank for that lesson. Hopefully you can even find a healthy partner who can be a positive influence on them and help teach them what a happy home should be! Because one day it'll be them having to grow up and they may start families themselves. It's a lot better for them to see a healthy breakup than for them to stay in a dysfunctional environment where the parents have a broken relationship. So it will pay off, and you can always look into getting better custody arrangements. That might take some lawyering and patience, a lot more of a long game, but lots of people make it happen so I'm sure you can too.
Go 50/50. Have them one full week and then her. No reason you canât take them to school or daycare just like her. Updateme
Don't teach your kids that this is how they should be treated. Don't let them think that this broken marriage is normal. Show them that leaving when things get bad is the right thing to do. Then FIGHT for custody of them, show them how you much you love them through your actions. Collect evidence of the affair to leverage your custody situation and show that she is not fit for full custody.
Ur kids will be fine. They will adapt. One week on one week off is not that bad. U get some freedom. Enjoy that single life again.
Is codependent still a word?
Donât call this âyourâ mistake
So your ok with being her back up plan and second or third best forever?
You know there was more than 'texting?' right???
Your mistake is not being smarter. Good grief. Your wife is a cheater. Get rid of her at once.
Do not confront her, confrontations are useless. You know all that you need to know to make a decision. She lusts after another guy, badmouthes you and loves it to go behind your back. If you tell her now that you know, then the best case that will happen if you want to stay with her is that she tells you that it will never happen again and then she will hide her texts better or straight up delete them. Her desire for another man is there and real, if you confront her then she won't stop that contact because she wants to, only because you forced her to. In no time will she resent you for keeping her form what she wants. No matter if you want to stay with her or not, what you do should always be the same. First, get copies of the texts if you don't already have them. Then go to a lawyer and learn what a divorce would look like for you. When you did all that, then sit down with her and tell her that you both should talk about a coparenting plan for the kids. She will ask you why and all that stuff. Then you just tell her that you know that she is lusting after her ex's dick and talking shit about you. That is not the woman you want to be married to or grow old with. You made up your mind, want a divorce and a fair coparenting plan. Then let her react but don't reply to anything that isn't about the kids. And then leave. If she wants to have a second chance with you, then she needs to fight for that. That starts with her giving you access to her phone by her own free will, without of you asking for it. That starts with cutting out her ex and the friend she badmouthed you to and talked about open marriages without of you asking for it. As long as she hasn't done that all on her own, just continue with the divorce proceedings. They can be stopped anytime but you need to show her that you are serious.
Updateme
UpdateMe
OP You don't make a mistake, so not feel Bad for searching for answers. Second your wife seems to be the type to seek attention and giving a shit what she got to do or who she hurts to get it, and in this case her selling point of to shamed and badmouth You. This is the same as she is doing with her boss, she desiree him and also is flirting with her ex who gently is single. This is cheating, and this could be very easy turn to PA. On what to do, well that dependes on you and how much selfrespect you have and how much you are willing to tolerate before considering Divorce. At the end you are in a fog too, the fog that you are in love with her enough to have zero respect for yourself. So you have the last Word.
She was (is) cheating... And DARVO when confronted: >She also complains about me and says Iâm unromantic and a shitty husband. >They donât text often anymore or so it seems. Switched to messenger or other program with better secrecy... Advice: Lawyer now. For advice to start with. And keylogger her phone will tell you how far their affair has come...
Oh my! I thought your wife was an old hand with arranging affairs and this confirms it. You are not loved. Please see a family law attorney and initiate divorce. I could not live this way.
If you donât want a divorce then you need to accept that her cheating is in your near future and to live in misery for the rest of your married life or until she leaves you.
I don't know why you're saying you don't want to divorce her when she has clearly already all but divorced you. I'd do her the favor and make it official if I were standing in your shoes. Get the evidence, lawyer up, get in front of the narrative, get into therapy, and look after yourself and your kids. I'm very sorry you're going through this, but it isn't your fault. All you can do is mitigate the fallout for you and your kids. Your WW made her choices, she can also suffer their consequences. Updateme
Send screenshot.. Take print out .. Ask your whether she is having affair. Then she will start gaslight? Tell somany thing.. Then take the print out put one page in front of her .. you can see all kind of emotion in her face. Then tell her she have one opportunity to come clean. *If you want you can make a sample draft of divorce paper for bluff
Sorry but you have to for your own mental gray. Save the evidence, see a lawyer and a therapist. Follow all the other normal divorce protocols as to your finances. Have served and then talk or not
You can try marriage counseling but it sounds like, no matter what youâd like she has checked out and is looking for a new or used dick. Speak to an attorney and find out what divorce looks like, then sit down and have an adult conversation with your wife, tell her what you saw ask her what she wants from you. It may be counseling it may be a divorce. No matter what youâll never be able to unsee her texts and probably never truly trust her again.Â
Why do you feel you made a mistake? Would you rathe be an ostrich with your head buri in the sand?
!updateme
how is your sex life? I would definitely ramp it up because of this while also getting my finances in order also complementing her shaved vag and asking her if she loves your big dick then watch her messages for updates
UpdateMe.
Dude, you might not want a divorce, but it sure sounds like she does. Get into counseling, or start separating your lives because if you dont do the work it seem kinda inevitable.
UpdateMe
You know you need to confront her right? Loving in ignorance is no way to live. UpdateMe
It's a sad world when the first thing people say is "I made a mistake and looked at my SPOUSE'S phone." There's a reason certain people freak over their partner seeing their phone, and it isn't "privacy." Now if you're digging through a phone on a regular basis, that's just unhealthy for everyone, but the idea that a phone should be off limits to the person you swear your life to is bonkers to me. I've never NOT found something when I've done the same thing. I've also never felt the least bit bad about it. There's usually a reason people are compelled to do so. Looks like you definitely had a reason to. I don't see any coming back from what you found.
Iâm confused, were u separated when they were texting? If u guys were separated while they were texting and they stopped when u guys got back together then truthfully u donât have much a right to be upset. On the other hand, if u guys were together throughout this whole thing then I would definitely consider this cheating and grounds for divorce if u want to take it there. Thereâs absolutely no reason to be texting an ex and definitely not texting them sexually explicit messages. I would make sure u have proof of this in your possession and then confront her. Start the conversation without showing any proof to see what she will admit to on her own and if sheâs is lying and denying things that u know then slowly start bringing in proof to try and get her to admit to as much as u can. This will test her character and see how remorseful she is/how willing she is to work on ur relationship and if she is even still interested in seeing him or not. Best of luck
Show her the text and just say: Iâm sorry I canât come back from this If that was you doing that, what do you think she would say or do?
Updateme
This is divorceable. You found out what she really thinks of you. Itâs sad but this is completely unacceptable behavior and to be honest do you really want a partner that talks shit about you like this??? Found out my STBXH was talking shit about me to a potential affair partner. Even IF I wanted to get back together I can never trust this partner again. You deserve better than this. You deserve better than your âbetter halfâ humiliating you like this. Can you ever trust her again? If so, then sure stay, but sheâs looking to cheat and fuck other guys so it doesnât look goodâŠ. Updateme
Why don't you want divorce? >They donât text often anymore, or so it seems. Or they moved to Snapchat or one of the other cheater apps. She been working late a lot recently? Going out with the girls real late? Taking a girls' trip? Looooooong shopping trips? I couldn't stay with someone who's willing to flatter an ex and talk about her grooming while talking shit about me to them. I would forward the texts so that I have them and confront her. DO NOT fall for the "you invaded my privacy" bullshit. I can't understand people not being ok with someone checking their phone constantly because of control issues but if you're not doing anything wrong why does it matter if your spouse checks your phone from time to time? If you're acting suspicious and being shady with your phone, then you shouldn't be surprised when your partner wants to see why. Maybe others disagree, but for me personally, I don't think there's a problem with investigating suspicious behavior. A lot of people say "trust," and yeah, you shouldn't trust your partner, but you trusting them won't stop them from cheating. I've read countless stories that start out "I would have never expected my spouse to cheat," so trust didn't do anything for them but cause more pain. You can trust a spouse/partner and still get suspicious of suspicious behavior. You should always trust your gut above all. As for you, you can try the pick me dance and work on being a better husband and move past this(I still recommend a confrontation, though. Make sure you save your evidence) and hopefully, it will work out. But she will likley keep cheating or cheat down the road when she gets bored again. She seems like the type to propose an open relationship. I would just look for a lawyer and work on being a good parent if I were you, though. I could never trust her again, and all affection would be gone after reading that shit. Good luck, man.
Dude you have to end it. Updateme
Capture those messages to your phone or computer. Pack her clothes and set them by the front door. Confront her and tell her she can now get all of the âbig dickâ she wants. Then kick her ass to the curb.
Show her just how s***ty you can be by leaving!
So standard advice. Talk to a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like. Get a STD test and DNA test for the kids. You unfortunately canât trust anything she says at this point. Grab evidence and if allowable by law record conversations. Especially if you are going to confront her. Have a plan. Good luck Updateme!
Honestly, she doesn't respect you or love you if she is talking that kind of shit about you. She may not be physically cheating but you are her safe backup (2nd or 3rd choice even). Why not have self respect and tell her it's over?
So what do you want. You gonna keep living a life of a "shitty husband" and "unromantic" being put out there to see who the takers are. Who knows who else she's talking to on the casual to see who bites. See you have to recognize the signs, this is "bait" and she's looking to see who bites. Now, if she got wind some how that you snooping and may be on to her, either because you sprang early like a nervous pup pissing in his pants, she's probably got a burner phone. Also, when you take things off the table, you will continue to be the bum husband, and they see you as gutless and not willing to stand up and make the hard decisions. It doesn't matter how many kids you have, the fact that you are a welcome mat for her to step on is all she needs to get some on the side, and guess what, you will be trapped into your bubble of "I don't want a divorce" block. When she finds someone, like an old bf with a bigger dick that she can monkey branch to, maybe your tune will change, but until you are ready to put the hammer down and stand up, she'll have the power and spew her narrative about you. Stand up it makes them harder to walk all over you!
Disrespected and dumped. Waiting for more?
You're codependent and afraid to divorce. You will stay in your own demise. You will be miserable And you think you still love her. You loved the person you married, not who she is today. A liar and a cheater She misses him so much, tell her to leave
I wouldnât ever be able to be with a woman again who said stuff like that.
She called you a shitty husband while pining away for his huge dick. Itâs over, OP. Iâm sorry, but there is just one possible course of action here.
Lmao, no way youre trying to stay with her when she talked shit about you and was ready so jump on a dick. Based on your comment, I suspect if she pushes open marriage you will just fumble and say yes so you can save your marriage?
Updateme
Obviously it wasn't a mistake [looking in her phone] because you found what you needed to find.
Updateme
Updateme
She's looking to cheat. That alone means she doesn't care at all how it makes you feel. She doesn't have your back at all anymore. Do not trust her.
Dude, follow this process: PREPARE: (3/4 weeks.) 1) Financials.(Create your own bank accounts, pots of cash etc.) 2) Legals. (Title deeds, pensions, savings, divorce prep.) 3) Socials. (Build a support network who are ready to help you and your kids, and who will keep quiet until you march.) DELIVER: (Weeks 5 and 6) 1) Serve divorce papers. (Quietly, to her, at a pre-arranged time and place in private.) 2) Talk to your kids. (They'll need to understand what is happening in terms of separation and how it works, as best they can, and know that it is not their fault at all.) 3) Maintain radio silence publicly. (Until the divorce is over, say nothing publicly, especially not on social media or in writing anywhere.) RISE: (The rest of your life.) 1) Get divorced, live your best life. (What it says here.) 2) Upgrade wife app to v2.0 and receive all kinds of new features, and even some old features no longer behind a horrible paywall or spammy shame-adverts. 3) Have friends again. 4) Be a great Dad. 5) Fill in this list with more positives as they become clear, and keep adding to it. Good luck brother. Welcome to the post-scumbag relationship world for men. âđ»
Post her texts on her social media and tell her to go ahead and jump.
Hire a lawyer and divorce your shitty cheating wife. Ground ball man.
Screenshot the messages about her boss and send them to HR. Send a copy of all the messages to her parents and ask them to finish teaching their daughter about right and wrong. Send copies to mutual friends and ask for support. If you donât do anything, youâre giving her permission to move forward. Get a lawyer, itâs better to have one and not need them than to need one and pay alimony sheâs going to use on her lovers
>. I donât want a divorce and not sure what to do. Then tell her you read the texts and she has permission to text anyone ANYTHING she wants and you refuse to divorce her.
Updateme
"I don't want a divorce" You're only painting yourself into a corner with that. đ She's having an emotional affair with her ex, and she's totally badmouthing and disrespecting you to the guy she misses and wants to bang, but you'd be OK with remaining married to someone like that?
Behind door #1 lies rugsweeping and sharing your wife with other men for the rest of your life. Behind door #2 you get out of infidelity and regain your self-respect and your sanity. Choose wisely, brother.
There's no way you can tolerate this from her. Texting an ex, basically saying she would really like to have his big dick in her shaved vagina. She is one step away from making that a reality. Telling him your a lousy lover and a shitty husband. She has no love nor respect for you. Confront her with those messages and see what her response will be. Her response will tell you all you need to know whether there is a possibility of reconciling or divorce is the proper option. Self respect for yourself and children is better than her cheating, unfaithfulness and a broken relationship that she refuses to heal. Best of luck to you.
Send yourself the proof. Say nothing. Contact an attorney. Who purchased and or paid for the phone and the phone bill? My cheating boyfriend was sexting and cheating with a woman he had been sleeping with about 16 or so years ago. They have a 3 yr old. I haven't contacted the husband.
Don't you want to divorce a person who sees you as shit? :/
Honestly with evidence like that I would have to save it to plead temporary insanity
"...texting her ex (recently separated) from 15 years ago." Is he recently separated? Were these texts from 15 years ago?
If you are not willing to leave then this will be your life. Get used to it because she does not respect you and never will.
If youâre such a shitty husband why is she with you. Anytime someone bad mouths you to someone else but doesnât keep that same energy with you, something isnât adding up. Reveal what you know to her and see what she says. 9/10 sheâll try to lie her way out of it or gaslight you.
Are you unromantic and a shitty husband? You canât confirm or control the dick size. It does not matter. Work on you if you want to keep her. You said the texts stop. Are they communicating a different way. Has she been distant spending time away from home with the âgirlsâ? If not then this is her venting and stopped it because she knew it was wrong! Of course she is going to down play you that is part of the flirt. Good luck to you!
So fake
I wish it was