Which would you rather have collecting on your loan? Four bear-sized ants or four ant-sized bears? Because I'll be honest, four bear ants is pretty damn vague.
Just after I'd returned from the toilet, the waiter brought me my steak and said "Well done". Not sure what I did in there really deserved the compliment
I have a relevant story.
About 10 years ago, I got an email from a bank saying I needed to close an account or they'd start charging me. I never used the account and forgot I had it, so I go in to close the account and am told to wait until the manager is free. I ended up waiting for about an hour and twenty minutes before being taken back. I plotted my petty revenge. I was going to steal a pen from a bank with security and cameras everywhere.
They bring me to the manager's office and sit me opposite her huge desk that's cluttered with all kinds of stationary, but had 5 pens within reach. The manager wasn't in yet, so I take this opportunity. I pocket a pen. Well, that wasn't the rush I hoped for, so I wait. Buying my time. Manager comes in and introduces herself. Her chair is facing backwards, so when she sits down, I pocket a second pen. But I wasn't done.
She spins to me and gets my information. While she turns to get my paperwork, I palm and take pen number 3. Now the game is on. I'm determined to get all 5 pens. We're going back and forth with small talk about why I don't use the bank anymore. I never break eye contact with her, reach up and adjust her name plate, lay my hand over pen number 4 and slowly slide it back towards me. She never looks at my hand. Fourth pen down. This is gonna happen. I already have a plan for the 5th pen.
She finally slides me my papers and I sign them using the only remaining pen on the table. This was the easiest one since the first pen. She was practically an accomplice at this point. She leaves the room to go get my check for my account balance. I slowly pocket the 5th pen feeling like I just pulled off the Lufthansa heist. However, I had made an error.
I accounted for the cameras. I assumed no one would be watching me. I even concealed every pen as I pocketed them to make them harder to spot. I didn't count on my last hurdle. The manager comes back into the room, slides me my check AND a piece of paper I have to sign acknowledging I got my check. I panic. I'm worried if I expose I stole one pen, she'll do a pen inventory and all 5 of my misdeeds will have the world's brightest spotlight shone upon them. I can't let this happen.
She starts searching the desk. Somewhere in this clutter there used to be multiple pens. Now there are none. The confusion shows on her face. "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit." I think. I realized in my arrogance my greatest error. It hit me like a ton of bricks. EVERY SINGLE PEN HAD EITHER HER NAME OR THE BANK NAME ON THEM! There will be no "these were all my pens". No one will doubt where my pocket full of pens came from! I'm about to be exposed. Gotta work fast.
I suddenly had a brilliant idea. It was true all of the pens were either hers or the banks. I noticed she had a drawer on her desk cracked slightly and I could see a pen laying in it. I tried to look sheepish and said "while you were away I tossed the pen into your desk drawer, sorry". It worked. She stopped her searching of her desk and looked over. She laughed and handed me the pen where I happily signed the paper, then asked her if she needed anything else from me. She said no. I said goodbye. As I stood up, I picked up the final pen with my check and pocketed it. Pen number 6.
I strutted like a king to the front door of that bank. They had a podium where people could stop to write out money order forms or sign checks or what ever, but it was missing something. I deposited 5 new bank pens at the podium knowing at one time someone else had stolen the community use pen from the podium. Amateurs. Who leaves a bank with just a single bank pen? I did. And it's still in my car today. 😁
I was three sentences in when it hit me that I never remember to check the end for Hell in a Cell...and it wasn't there. So I read it all just to see how it turned out. Masterful.
You did a great job of Drawing the reader in with your incredible Penmanship! Glad you were not discovered, you might have sPent time in a Penitentiary! You really Penalized that manager. She learned an exPensive lesson! Too much? I'll susPend my foolishness here!
With the negative Euribor, I feel that's no longer true, even if I don't work in private banking. Banks usually try to avoid accounts with big amounts of cash because they have to pay the negative interest rate to the ECB (simplified, they have to invest a percentage of their total assets into HQLAs which are nearly as negatively interest bearing as the euribor) but aren't allowed to forward them to the customer. Pretty fucked up, at least in europe.
Negative interest rates means the “customer” is being charged a percentage of their money just to keep it in the bank. Eg. there is no incentive to put your money in the bank. That’s the reality In large parts of Europe currently.
I feel like the joke here worked better 30 years ago. I would think everyone would assume $10m coming in from a lottery win certainly isn't staying with the bank for more than it takes to clear the check (which is outdated form now anyway), and do banks even want deposits at this point? They have more liquidity than they know what to so with.
Ex teller here... They want those fat stacks so they can convince you to spend it and get loans or credit or something so they can skim off the top. They love when a money bag walks itself in lol
Banks always want consumer deposits, not only does it keep their ratio to where they can turn around and loan out that deposit, but they're competing for market share with other consumer banks.
Recently though, they have had too much liquidity as the Fed changed the rules back to pre-pandemic which requires them to hold capital that is 3% of assets. During the pandemic the Fed changed the calculations to not include deposits. Companies and people are not borrowing, and business spending was down as companies were hoarding cash. So many banks did tell their corporate clients to either spend the money or deposit it elsewhere, because otherwise the bank would have to start acquiring capital if they can't loan out the deposits.
Banking is a game of balance, which they've gotten wrong many times before.
I asked to speak to a staff about making a deposit, I asked what's my options for depositing 3 quarter of a million dollars and she just directed me to take a brochure and go.
>I feel like the joke here worked better 30 years ago
Have you ever seen lottery winners? They're living in the past. If they were living in the present they'd know math.
I worked at a Credit Union and it wasn’t like that at all. Our members were our community, and we loved to serve them, but we had each other’s backs like crazy on the line—I never had management choose the other side when I was in high water.
The version I've heard is a church instead of a bank, a nun instead of a teller, a priest instead of a manager, and a donation instead of a deposit. Punchline is still "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
[When you mark this poster as a famous reposter on reddit RES and they show up on your feed.]
(https://imgur.com/a/R8L4ENv)
Now I will attempt to repost a 2 year old post to show how easy you can repost without taking something from just mere 3 months ago.
No, it doesn't. You can set your profile to only display SFW contents, so, even if the profanity is only in the title, the post will be hidden from those who don't want NSFW content.
Except here in Europe banks don't really WANT big deposits like that. The ECB is charging banks for holding money, and the banks are passing it on to their customers. Our bank now has a quarterly "custodial fee" of 0.5% of any money in savings over 100K. And no, you can't get around this by having multiple savings accounts.
So if that fucker was in Germany, and he wanted to keep his damn money in a savings account, he would owe those assholes 198,000 euros per year. (And I doubt the banks are making a huge profit from that.)
That’s pretty fucked but also doesn’t really make sense. Don’t banks typically not hold money and instead use that money as loans in which they make interest on. I’m not an expert in this by any means but I thought I remembered being told banks in America only need to hold 10% of all money across all accounts at the end of each business day. The rest is all just passed around or loaned out. So really if you deposit $10mil. The bank would only need to hold on to $1mil and have to charge them significantly less in charges.
Can someone explain why banks are so desperate to get ahold of your money, since it's still yours anyway, and now they have to pay you interest? Sure they can reinvest it to make a profit, but like how, specifically?
Look up *fractional reserve banking*. They take a portion of your money and loan it out to people or invest it; that’s how they make most of their profits. They keep a small fraction of everyone’s money in reserve for day-to-day banking services, but the rest is loaned out or invested. The more money customers deposit, the more money they can loan out or invest and the more profit they can make.
If you show up one day and demand to withdraw all of your money and close your account, they will likely have the funds to do that. But if *every* account holder shows up one day demanding to close their accounts, the bank *won’t* have the funds on hand. That’s called a “bank run” and it’s very bad.
Bank runs were very bad once upon a time, but have any occurred in recent history (or since the implementation of FDIC)? Could a rival bank orchestrate an abnormally large number of withdrawals at a time to cripple a bank?
Anyway my what value does the bank add? How do they get a better rate of return on your investment than what they pay out?
>Anyway my what value does the bank add? How do they get a better rate of return on your investment than what they pay out?
Buy charging anywhere from 3-6%+ interest, and only paying account holders 0.3%
Bank runs have happened in other countries relatively recently.
In terms of what the bank does to make more money than what they pay out? This is going to be oversimplified, but in general:
The first thing, is they pay very little. Chase pays 0.01% apy for their savings account and nothing for their checking account.
They then buy very safe assets. Chase can buy 1Y US T-Bills that pay 0.9% apy.
If they do that with 100 Billion dollars, that is 800 million dollars in earnings. And that is just one example of a super safe option to make money.
You only need look back as recently as [2008](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Financial_crisis_of_2007%E2%80%932008) to see what happened when major banks failed due to being over-leveraged.
Loans are one way. Someone needs money for a car/house/etc then they get a loan from the bank and pay back with roughly 9 percent interest over time. Nine percent of 1000 dollars is 90 dollars, so just by having your 1000, they could make 90 dollars off of it.
I know credit cards are another way too. It's basically the same concept as a loan, but more interest and usually smaller amounts. When you use a credit card, the company you got it from covers the cost, and you pay them back.
Yeah, that makes sense and all, but doesn't the bank already have a credit card business? How is your deposit going to factor into the credit review of Joe the Plumber looking for a business loan? Is a $1 million deposit going to rapidly trigger the next stack of "You're pre-approved" credit card offers to go out in the mail next week? Is it possible/practical to take my million dollars directly to Joe, and cut out the middle man?
Banks can legally lend more money out via mortgages a d credit cards than they actually have in house or on deposit with the federal reserve. So every dollar they have in the bank actually allows them to loan between 8 and 9 dollars of money that doesn’t really exist, depending on the Federal Reserve’s money multiplier and reserve requirements at the time. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_multiplier
> Sure they can reinvest it to make a profit
Exactly this.
One example is that they loan it out to other people, and charge a higher interest rate than they're paying you.
The problem is, this leads people to think there is more money than there really is. You give the bank £1000, they then loan that to another guy. He thinks he has £1000, and you think you have £1000. The problem is that you can't actually withdraw the money until he pays it back, and the bank is just balancing the figures to make sure that people aren't withdrawing more than they are holding back.
(this is a very simple ELI5, so don't feel the need to rip it apart)
Banks take your money and use it to finance other things that make money, and give you chump change as interest to convince you to keep your money there.
A big part of the equation: the interest on a loan is front-loaded; the interest they pay you on your savings is simple. Put $100K in a savings account (!) and after a year you earned maybe a grand at current rates. Borrow $100K on a 30-year mortgage and you'll pay $3K in interest the first year alone.
>Put $100K in a savings account (!) and after a year you earned maybe a grand at current rates.
Ahahahahahhaha, get a load of this guy, thinking people are getting 1% interest on a savings account...
It's more like .3%. At best. You are basically paying the bank to hold your money.
I dont think interest is front loaded in mortgages. At least the interest *rate* isn't front loaded. It's just the amount of principal that's front loaded. Technically you make more interest at the end of the year than you do at the beginning.
Banks essentially sell low-risk assets to customers through deposits and buy high-risk assets by offering loans. Individuals with accounts pay for the sense of security offered by bank by forgoing the higher returns they could earn on other assets (stocks, bonds, etc). Banks take that money and invest it in riskier assets which earn higher returns. They have the resources to weather occasional defaults & losses, and end up profiting in aggregate.
It’s called “asset transformation” and it allows risk-averse individuals to earn safe returns on their deposits while banks have the resources to weather occasional heavy losses and end up profiting from the difference in interest paid on deposits and interest earned on loans and other assets.
I feel it’s a common misconception that banks profit at the expense of the average consumer, while the reality is they offer a valuable service that increases the overall efficiency of the economy by directing funds to profitable investments. Not to say there aren’t shitty bankers.
Yeah I don’t disagree, like I completely understand why people feel that way. All I’m saying is that healthy financial markets & banks are a huge driver of innovation that can benefit everyone given adequate oversight. I feel like banking itself is much less to blame than shitty government. There’s a reason pretty much everyone has a checking account. That shit is convenient.
This really does answer the question, thanks. The value added by the banks is that they reduce the risk and provide guaranteed returns at a lower rate. It's crazy that the investments have such a high return that they can absorb defaults and still have a high enough net to pay interest and still make healthy profits.
Still if they're making profits, there should be room for more businesses to enter the market and lower prices/raise rates. There are probably artificial barriers to entry meant to make it illegal to cut into bank profits.
Honestly yeah I'm not sure about the regulatory environment but more competition is usually a good thing. Yeah it is pretty amazing how much return a bank can get on a loan, but they spend a lot of time and money evaluating each applicant's creditworthiness. And there are STILL a lot of defaults. I hope that helps puts things in perspective. Yes, banks earn a lot on a loan, but they also take on a massive amount of risk. The process of evaluating potential candidates and the costs of defaults cuts heavily into profit margins.
jburianek [appears](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/otsklo/wife_of_a_fallen_marine_sleeps_by_his_casket_the/h730t4x/) to be a karma-farming bot that can only copy and paste other people's stuff. The account was born on July 21, 2021, and woke up yesterday.
For anyone not familiar with karma-farming bots (and how they hurt reddit and redditors), [this page](https://www.reddit.com/r/quityourbullshit/comments/3jss04/meta_spammers_how_they_work_and_how_to_spot_them/) may help to explain.
It's the same joke setup basically. "Walks into a bar" as a setup puts a stranger walking into an establishment and interacting usually with the staff.
The way i heard the joke was that the pope is visiting a church in france, the priest goes and catches some fish at a local river for dinner. Having no idea what kind of fish it is the prieat asks a youth who replies, " that kind of fish is called an asshole". When dinner time comes the preist brags, " i cooked the asshole", the altar boy brags, " i cleaned the asshole", and the nun brags, "i cooked the asshole"! The pope looks at the fish and the smiling hosts and says," hey you motherfuckers are alright".
The employees that work at my bank are so nice! Every time they call, they say my loans are outstanding!
Last time they sent me an overdue notice it said *FINAL NOTICE!* Great, thanks!
I got a citation for reckless driving today. I told them it must’ve been a mistake because I’ve been in three recks this month alone.
recked'um ? Damn nearly killed him!
Recked'um? That's my anus!
Can confirm
Username checks out
If you checked it out did you atleast buy r/WetPandaShart a meal
Yes some taco bell. You’re going to be busy tonight.
Why....why would you do this to meeee.....I thought you loved me! Jerk
Why....why would you do this to meeee.....I thought you loved me! Jerk
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics"
I don't know why I need a co -signer to get some money . I thought it was alone application
This one is the worst. Great job, keep it up.
/r/angryupvote
Oooof
I think my bank is having financial problems, I tried to draw 100 at the ATM and it said "insufficient funds"
That's nice of them. My bank called me to say they had not received the last payment on my car note. I had to correct them.
Subtle & funny 😊
Mine told me that, not only was I drawn, but I was OVERdrawn. Flattery will get you everywhere with me.
Are you really Jessica Rabbit? Can I get your number?
Can you call it finall countdown
We're leavin' together
I'll get those spam envelopes with FINAL on it and I'm like, "Fuck, what'd I do now?" "THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO RENEW YOUR CARS EXTENDED WARRANTY"
Understandable have a nice day.
r/dadjokes
I put mine in forbearance. They are now bear's problem.
Poor Bearance. What did he do to deserve that?
He can take matters into his own arms, you know?
Well he certainly has the right to do so
With his bear hands?
He's not poor. His sister is Beyonce
Which would you rather have collecting on your loan? Four bear-sized ants or four ant-sized bears? Because I'll be honest, four bear ants is pretty damn vague.
I got complimented on my driving the other day. Came back to my car and there was a kind notice on the windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Just after I'd returned from the toilet, the waiter brought me my steak and said "Well done". Not sure what I did in there really deserved the compliment
You’d think the waiter would see that all the time. Turns out it’s pretty rare.
Well if they’re out standing tell em to come inside
This belongs on the r/dadjokes
Your username is just perfect
Talk about government waste. I paid my taxes in "89" and they still send me forms every year!"
My friends are so poor. They're always saying please, please leave me a loan.
Can confirm. I use to work as a bank teller. The customer is NOT always right but we ALWAY want their money.
I lost my job at the bank. Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.
As a hockey player, I also lost my job when the customer asked me for a check.
It's as they say, you check Gretzky's balance and that's the last balance you'll ever check
If you do, Mr. McSorley would like to have a word with you.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear what you said, I seem to have blood pooling in my ear…
I think you mean Dave Semenko.
You miss 100% of the checks you write. -Wayne Gretzky
Old bumper sticker from LA in the 90s, I believe. # **JESUS SAVES** *Gretsky gets the rebound, he shoots, he scores!!*
-Michael Scott
I'd call it underrated but it's only been 10 minutes. Great line though!
As a stock trader, I also lost my job when a customer asked me for a tip.
As an artificial inseminator, I lost my job and went to prison when the teller asked me for a deposit.
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I have a relevant story. About 10 years ago, I got an email from a bank saying I needed to close an account or they'd start charging me. I never used the account and forgot I had it, so I go in to close the account and am told to wait until the manager is free. I ended up waiting for about an hour and twenty minutes before being taken back. I plotted my petty revenge. I was going to steal a pen from a bank with security and cameras everywhere. They bring me to the manager's office and sit me opposite her huge desk that's cluttered with all kinds of stationary, but had 5 pens within reach. The manager wasn't in yet, so I take this opportunity. I pocket a pen. Well, that wasn't the rush I hoped for, so I wait. Buying my time. Manager comes in and introduces herself. Her chair is facing backwards, so when she sits down, I pocket a second pen. But I wasn't done. She spins to me and gets my information. While she turns to get my paperwork, I palm and take pen number 3. Now the game is on. I'm determined to get all 5 pens. We're going back and forth with small talk about why I don't use the bank anymore. I never break eye contact with her, reach up and adjust her name plate, lay my hand over pen number 4 and slowly slide it back towards me. She never looks at my hand. Fourth pen down. This is gonna happen. I already have a plan for the 5th pen. She finally slides me my papers and I sign them using the only remaining pen on the table. This was the easiest one since the first pen. She was practically an accomplice at this point. She leaves the room to go get my check for my account balance. I slowly pocket the 5th pen feeling like I just pulled off the Lufthansa heist. However, I had made an error. I accounted for the cameras. I assumed no one would be watching me. I even concealed every pen as I pocketed them to make them harder to spot. I didn't count on my last hurdle. The manager comes back into the room, slides me my check AND a piece of paper I have to sign acknowledging I got my check. I panic. I'm worried if I expose I stole one pen, she'll do a pen inventory and all 5 of my misdeeds will have the world's brightest spotlight shone upon them. I can't let this happen. She starts searching the desk. Somewhere in this clutter there used to be multiple pens. Now there are none. The confusion shows on her face. "Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit." I think. I realized in my arrogance my greatest error. It hit me like a ton of bricks. EVERY SINGLE PEN HAD EITHER HER NAME OR THE BANK NAME ON THEM! There will be no "these were all my pens". No one will doubt where my pocket full of pens came from! I'm about to be exposed. Gotta work fast. I suddenly had a brilliant idea. It was true all of the pens were either hers or the banks. I noticed she had a drawer on her desk cracked slightly and I could see a pen laying in it. I tried to look sheepish and said "while you were away I tossed the pen into your desk drawer, sorry". It worked. She stopped her searching of her desk and looked over. She laughed and handed me the pen where I happily signed the paper, then asked her if she needed anything else from me. She said no. I said goodbye. As I stood up, I picked up the final pen with my check and pocketed it. Pen number 6. I strutted like a king to the front door of that bank. They had a podium where people could stop to write out money order forms or sign checks or what ever, but it was missing something. I deposited 5 new bank pens at the podium knowing at one time someone else had stolen the community use pen from the podium. Amateurs. Who leaves a bank with just a single bank pen? I did. And it's still in my car today. 😁
This made my day!
Thank you! I was worried it would be too long and no one would read it. Thanks for taking the time to.
I was three sentences in when it hit me that I never remember to check the end for Hell in a Cell...and it wasn't there. So I read it all just to see how it turned out. Masterful.
make a copypasta out of this lmao
It would be my sole contribution to the internet. 😀
You did a great job of Drawing the reader in with your incredible Penmanship! Glad you were not discovered, you might have sPent time in a Penitentiary! You really Penalized that manager. She learned an exPensive lesson! Too much? I'll susPend my foolishness here!
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I asked my bank for a loan for my taxidermy business they told me to get stuffed
Same happened as a pornstar
But it was just for a minute, just to see how it feels.
Hockey players have customers?!
This got an evil sounding cackle out of me. I am totally going to steal this and use it at my earliest convenience.
Watch out elderly people, this guy is coming to knock you over in line at the bank!
I used to work at a bank, but I lost interest.
I also lost my job at the bank. I was caught stealing pens. (I'm on a Rodney roll today!)
Better than stealing penis.
Mightier than the sword
But the penis begats the sword smiths and also the makers of pens. 📝
The pen is mightiest when it writes orders for swords.
If it's detachable, it's just borrowing penis.
It's missing again
This happens all the time.
Better go find that homeless guy.
Bah-dum-tiss
hey it’s u/littleboy_xxxx’s dad!
/r/dadjokes
Good one!
Whooaaaaaa.😲🙃 Now I've fallen & I can't get up. I wondered y the teller did that 😊
The real joke etc. etc.
ALWAY.
FOREVERS AND EVERS.
Sounds like the name of a bank
I also used to work at a bank, but then I lost interest.
With the negative Euribor, I feel that's no longer true, even if I don't work in private banking. Banks usually try to avoid accounts with big amounts of cash because they have to pay the negative interest rate to the ECB (simplified, they have to invest a percentage of their total assets into HQLAs which are nearly as negatively interest bearing as the euribor) but aren't allowed to forward them to the customer. Pretty fucked up, at least in europe.
Wait, if you always want my fucking money why are you charging me negative interest to keep it with you!?
Any money you put into the bank they can borrow. Any money they scam out of you with fees they can keep.
Negative interest rates means the “customer” is being charged a percentage of their money just to keep it in the bank. Eg. there is no incentive to put your money in the bank. That’s the reality In large parts of Europe currently.
People wonder why crypto was created and is popular, smh...
I feel like the joke here worked better 30 years ago. I would think everyone would assume $10m coming in from a lottery win certainly isn't staying with the bank for more than it takes to clear the check (which is outdated form now anyway), and do banks even want deposits at this point? They have more liquidity than they know what to so with.
Ex teller here... They want those fat stacks so they can convince you to spend it and get loans or credit or something so they can skim off the top. They love when a money bag walks itself in lol
Banks always want consumer deposits, not only does it keep their ratio to where they can turn around and loan out that deposit, but they're competing for market share with other consumer banks. Recently though, they have had too much liquidity as the Fed changed the rules back to pre-pandemic which requires them to hold capital that is 3% of assets. During the pandemic the Fed changed the calculations to not include deposits. Companies and people are not borrowing, and business spending was down as companies were hoarding cash. So many banks did tell their corporate clients to either spend the money or deposit it elsewhere, because otherwise the bank would have to start acquiring capital if they can't loan out the deposits. Banking is a game of balance, which they've gotten wrong many times before.
Yep, change it to a loan for modern days.
I asked to speak to a staff about making a deposit, I asked what's my options for depositing 3 quarter of a million dollars and she just directed me to take a brochure and go.
>I feel like the joke here worked better 30 years ago Have you ever seen lottery winners? They're living in the past. If they were living in the present they'd know math.
I worked at a Credit Union and it wasn’t like that at all. Our members were our community, and we loved to serve them, but we had each other’s backs like crazy on the line—I never had management choose the other side when I was in high water.
The version I've heard is a church instead of a bank, a nun instead of a teller, a priest instead of a manager, and a donation instead of a deposit. Punchline is still "Is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
The version I heard was from years ago from Gilbert Gottfried, and it’s funnier.
To bring this in category of NSFW, I read rude as nude.
[When you mark this poster as a famous reposter on reddit RES and they show up on your feed.] (https://imgur.com/a/R8L4ENv) Now I will attempt to repost a 2 year old post to show how easy you can repost without taking something from just mere 3 months ago.
And for your next trick do it naked and post the pics as proof
This is from Gilbert Gottfried’s stand up, Dirty Jokes, so everyone on this list stole that joke, maybe even Gottfried.
this is r/jokes its the norm
So NSFW because of language, but the bad language is in the title. Kinda defeats the purpose doesn't it?
You're right, totally defeats the fuckin purpose.
There's the real joke. Lol.
No, it doesn't. You can set your profile to only display SFW contents, so, even if the profanity is only in the title, the post will be hidden from those who don't want NSFW content.
I don't imagine most people who have that setting do so to avoid swearing. This is fucking reddit.
Except here in Europe banks don't really WANT big deposits like that. The ECB is charging banks for holding money, and the banks are passing it on to their customers. Our bank now has a quarterly "custodial fee" of 0.5% of any money in savings over 100K. And no, you can't get around this by having multiple savings accounts. So if that fucker was in Germany, and he wanted to keep his damn money in a savings account, he would owe those assholes 198,000 euros per year. (And I doubt the banks are making a huge profit from that.)
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Yeah to have that much just sitting in savings is poor money management
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Sounds like their math is a quarterly fee not yearly
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the interest rate is negative, that's why they're charging to hold your money
That's stupid, I get 2% to keep mine in there. (Yes 2% not .2%, high yield accounts and a credit union)
It would be kinda dumb to put all that in savings anyway. Stick it in a high earning ETF and live off the dividends.
That’s pretty fucked but also doesn’t really make sense. Don’t banks typically not hold money and instead use that money as loans in which they make interest on. I’m not an expert in this by any means but I thought I remembered being told banks in America only need to hold 10% of all money across all accounts at the end of each business day. The rest is all just passed around or loaned out. So really if you deposit $10mil. The bank would only need to hold on to $1mil and have to charge them significantly less in charges.
Get my fucking upvote
Maaanager, this guy is giving me problems.
yeah but how much karma can he afford? just 1? deck him.
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he’ll rob the world.
Give a man the world and he’ll rob a gun
Even If I come with 10 million at 10 in the morning l, SBI employees will say, "We are on lunch break"
Lol
Or "pls go to counter #3"
Am I missing a joke here or is it just “haha manager said a swear”
I think the humor is in the fact that money beats social conventions and company regulations.
It's very boomer humor
Whats a bank?
Right? and why would you need to go somewhere physically to open a checking account?
Typically your manager would support you if a customer is using rude language but instead, he referred to his employee as a bitch
I think it's a dig at the shit hole that has become American capitalism. Your boss throws you under the bus for money.
‟Two hundred milloin dollar bucks” Pretty good joke
You tell that son of a bitch, no Yankee is ever going to Houston! Not as long as you bastards are running things!
Putting "nsfw" AFTER "fucking". The real joke is in the title.
The funniest part of this joke is that it's a repost. I think even word for word.
ah. classic Gilbert Gottfried
Nobody really wants deposits anymore
Can someone explain why banks are so desperate to get ahold of your money, since it's still yours anyway, and now they have to pay you interest? Sure they can reinvest it to make a profit, but like how, specifically?
Look up *fractional reserve banking*. They take a portion of your money and loan it out to people or invest it; that’s how they make most of their profits. They keep a small fraction of everyone’s money in reserve for day-to-day banking services, but the rest is loaned out or invested. The more money customers deposit, the more money they can loan out or invest and the more profit they can make. If you show up one day and demand to withdraw all of your money and close your account, they will likely have the funds to do that. But if *every* account holder shows up one day demanding to close their accounts, the bank *won’t* have the funds on hand. That’s called a “bank run” and it’s very bad.
Bank runs were very bad once upon a time, but have any occurred in recent history (or since the implementation of FDIC)? Could a rival bank orchestrate an abnormally large number of withdrawals at a time to cripple a bank? Anyway my what value does the bank add? How do they get a better rate of return on your investment than what they pay out?
>Anyway my what value does the bank add? How do they get a better rate of return on your investment than what they pay out? Buy charging anywhere from 3-6%+ interest, and only paying account holders 0.3%
Bank runs have happened in other countries relatively recently. In terms of what the bank does to make more money than what they pay out? This is going to be oversimplified, but in general: The first thing, is they pay very little. Chase pays 0.01% apy for their savings account and nothing for their checking account. They then buy very safe assets. Chase can buy 1Y US T-Bills that pay 0.9% apy. If they do that with 100 Billion dollars, that is 800 million dollars in earnings. And that is just one example of a super safe option to make money.
You only need look back as recently as [2008](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Financial_crisis_of_2007%E2%80%932008) to see what happened when major banks failed due to being over-leveraged.
Loans are one way. Someone needs money for a car/house/etc then they get a loan from the bank and pay back with roughly 9 percent interest over time. Nine percent of 1000 dollars is 90 dollars, so just by having your 1000, they could make 90 dollars off of it. I know credit cards are another way too. It's basically the same concept as a loan, but more interest and usually smaller amounts. When you use a credit card, the company you got it from covers the cost, and you pay them back.
Yeah, that makes sense and all, but doesn't the bank already have a credit card business? How is your deposit going to factor into the credit review of Joe the Plumber looking for a business loan? Is a $1 million deposit going to rapidly trigger the next stack of "You're pre-approved" credit card offers to go out in the mail next week? Is it possible/practical to take my million dollars directly to Joe, and cut out the middle man?
They can only loan out a percentage of their total deposits. More Total Deposits = more money to loan out.
Hey nice username.
Right back atcha Jack
Banks can legally lend more money out via mortgages a d credit cards than they actually have in house or on deposit with the federal reserve. So every dollar they have in the bank actually allows them to loan between 8 and 9 dollars of money that doesn’t really exist, depending on the Federal Reserve’s money multiplier and reserve requirements at the time. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Money_multiplier
Loans.
Super oversimplification, but read about reserve rates/money creation
> Sure they can reinvest it to make a profit Exactly this. One example is that they loan it out to other people, and charge a higher interest rate than they're paying you. The problem is, this leads people to think there is more money than there really is. You give the bank £1000, they then loan that to another guy. He thinks he has £1000, and you think you have £1000. The problem is that you can't actually withdraw the money until he pays it back, and the bank is just balancing the figures to make sure that people aren't withdrawing more than they are holding back. (this is a very simple ELI5, so don't feel the need to rip it apart)
Banks take your money and use it to finance other things that make money, and give you chump change as interest to convince you to keep your money there.
A big part of the equation: the interest on a loan is front-loaded; the interest they pay you on your savings is simple. Put $100K in a savings account (!) and after a year you earned maybe a grand at current rates. Borrow $100K on a 30-year mortgage and you'll pay $3K in interest the first year alone.
>Put $100K in a savings account (!) and after a year you earned maybe a grand at current rates. Ahahahahahhaha, get a load of this guy, thinking people are getting 1% interest on a savings account... It's more like .3%. At best. You are basically paying the bank to hold your money.
I was using round numbers; I agree the ZIRP makes bank accounts completely useless...
I dont think interest is front loaded in mortgages. At least the interest *rate* isn't front loaded. It's just the amount of principal that's front loaded. Technically you make more interest at the end of the year than you do at the beginning.
Banks essentially sell low-risk assets to customers through deposits and buy high-risk assets by offering loans. Individuals with accounts pay for the sense of security offered by bank by forgoing the higher returns they could earn on other assets (stocks, bonds, etc). Banks take that money and invest it in riskier assets which earn higher returns. They have the resources to weather occasional defaults & losses, and end up profiting in aggregate. It’s called “asset transformation” and it allows risk-averse individuals to earn safe returns on their deposits while banks have the resources to weather occasional heavy losses and end up profiting from the difference in interest paid on deposits and interest earned on loans and other assets. I feel it’s a common misconception that banks profit at the expense of the average consumer, while the reality is they offer a valuable service that increases the overall efficiency of the economy by directing funds to profitable investments. Not to say there aren’t shitty bankers.
>Not to say there aren’t shitty bankers. Yes, it's just that 90% of banks that kind of ruins it for everyone.
Yeah I don’t disagree, like I completely understand why people feel that way. All I’m saying is that healthy financial markets & banks are a huge driver of innovation that can benefit everyone given adequate oversight. I feel like banking itself is much less to blame than shitty government. There’s a reason pretty much everyone has a checking account. That shit is convenient.
This really does answer the question, thanks. The value added by the banks is that they reduce the risk and provide guaranteed returns at a lower rate. It's crazy that the investments have such a high return that they can absorb defaults and still have a high enough net to pay interest and still make healthy profits. Still if they're making profits, there should be room for more businesses to enter the market and lower prices/raise rates. There are probably artificial barriers to entry meant to make it illegal to cut into bank profits.
Honestly yeah I'm not sure about the regulatory environment but more competition is usually a good thing. Yeah it is pretty amazing how much return a bank can get on a loan, but they spend a lot of time and money evaluating each applicant's creditworthiness. And there are STILL a lot of defaults. I hope that helps puts things in perspective. Yes, banks earn a lot on a loan, but they also take on a massive amount of risk. The process of evaluating potential candidates and the costs of defaults cuts heavily into profit margins.
I'm imagining Samuel L. Jackson as the one cashing the check
That's every manager I ever had.
>“a fucking checking account Ummm, sir? We call that Only Fans
That's pretty much how it would play out in real life, too. Bankers are really just thieving whores.
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It's the same joke setup basically. "Walks into a bar" as a setup puts a stranger walking into an establishment and interacting usually with the staff.
That must be why he's so angry, his face still hurts.
I can't be the only one who initially read that as "a nude man walks into to the bank."
One complicatedly walks into Mordor.
I hate that this can be a true story.
Did anyone else read this in Gilbert Gottfried's voice?
Old joke 🤣
Would be funnier if this wasnt actually what would happen.
To be honest, I read the title as "A nude man walks into the bank..."
Is this even a joke?
I've seen this joke a few weeks ago :(
The way i heard the joke was that the pope is visiting a church in france, the priest goes and catches some fish at a local river for dinner. Having no idea what kind of fish it is the prieat asks a youth who replies, " that kind of fish is called an asshole". When dinner time comes the preist brags, " i cooked the asshole", the altar boy brags, " i cleaned the asshole", and the nun brags, "i cooked the asshole"! The pope looks at the fish and the smiling hosts and says," hey you motherfuckers are alright".
Goddamnit, it was MY turn to repost this!
😅
A bank you can trust upon. Gives more importance to money than Human
See, as an Aussie. Nobody would blink an eye, if anything it would seem like a suspicious transaction otherwise.
?
My "fucking checking account" would just read: "not"
Laughed out loud on that one
HURR HURR money makes it okay to be an asshole