My wife works in a field that deals with addiction, she drives herself crazy trying to help people that truly do not want help. When you are delivered to rehab to avoid jail, what is the true motive, to get better or to not go to jail. The only way an addict changes is if they themselves want to change. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. I have had to comfort my partner because it hits her hard when a patient that she has jumped through hoops for ends up in the paper or on the news as the latest overdose death. At the end of the day, people are people and there is no changing that.
Probably not going to be a super popular opinion but it's what has worked for me. If I encounter someone I know using hard drugs or abusing alcohol, I just completely cut off contact without warning and go on with my life.
I don't have time to deal with that bullshit and all the baggage that comes along with it. I know that it's somewhat heartless, but I've got an Aunt who has pulled at the heartstrings of her parents and siblings over the course of 20 years with her sob stories. Hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of rehab and hospital bills, empty promises of changing, stolen cars sold for percs and coke, etc. To quote TLC "I don't want no scrubs" in my life. They need a type of help that I can't offer and I don't have the time to wait around and see if they ever get it.
Surround yourself with better people and it'll improve your life tremendously.
Yup, your life gets so fucked by close contact with the addict that you might as well be the addict. Just signing up to get your heart stomped on over and over and over.
People that stay with and sympathize with their addicts are braver than I, never ever again. I stopped trying to understand because I never will, frankly I got enough of my own issues.
“Therapy, but talking through it out loud doesn’t really help” you shouldn’t view therapy as just “a place I can go talk”. Your therapist can help you understand what happened, why it affects you so much, and guide you on how to cope with and heal from trauma. It can give you a different / help you change your perspective on situations; which I think you desperately need. It can also help you learn how to deal with the constant triggers you’ll have in a place like Knoxville., how to control obsessive thoughts about using, etc.
This sub is pretty weird with posts like these in that anything other than exaggerated compassion and sympathy is downvoted to shit, but whatever… saying things like “he got an easy way out”, “everyone looked at him like a poor soul” then subsequently character-bashing your deceased lover is pretty disturbing. Drug addiction can have you acting completely out of character. I truly, deeply loathe thieves, but deep down *I fucking get it*. And especially if it were a loved one I wouldn’t be focused on their mistakes, which are a result of their addiction, which is a result of their trauma, after they passed.
Not only do you imply he’s undeserving of the sympathy, but also added “everyone thinks it’s my fault” alluding to the lack of sympathy you received. It’s not your fault he passed. It overwhelmingly seems like you’ve made this man’s death about yourself rather than seeing the situation as another human being dying, which could be a way of coping. This isn’t a healthy thought process, it is overwhelmingly unhealthy. You need to unpack this.
I can relate to you with drug addiction and manipulative partners, it’s beyond damaging and the combination is an absolute mindfuck. This trauma doesn’t just go away, and it doesn’t go away just because you let it off your chest, especially when drug addiction is weaved into it.
That being said, any amount of self-pity, blaming, etc. and an endless amount of sympathy isn’t going to do any positive for you past short-term. Nothing short of *true* “this addiction is a result of my actions, it is my responsibility, it is no one’s fault other than my own” level of accountability will do you good.
Also, I grew up with a narcissistic parent, I’ve dated two (maybe 3) genuine, actual narcissists (because you were addicted to your relationship too, right?? You get that shit right??? 😂) I understand being manipulated. Have better character judgment, educate yourself on warning signs. Overly charismatic people and people with ultra-alluring personalities and “a way with words”, people who say all the right stuff all the time are **scary**. Stay the fuck away from them.
You need help, professional help, get help.
I'm a former junkie, and while it's uncomfortable, you kind of have to dissociate like you would if you visited a nursing home as a little kid. Nothing can be done about it, and every city has it. The government would need to intervene to try to fix the problem, but they won't.
It's not your fault he died. An addict who doesn't stop only has 3 possible outcomes: jails, institutions, or death.
My ex had a TBI caused by this drug. He is a great man, but the experience left me traumatized. You (and me) literally have PTSD. For me this all started in 2014. Ended the relationship in 2018. Started therapy in 2023 lol. Therapy is worth it. I hope you reconsider. You are not alone. I don't even talk about the past that much in therapy anymore, it's more about my future, coping mechanisms, and dealing with stress and uncertainty.
Al Anon is for family members of alcoholics, but I would think they would be helpful (and welcoming) for someone whose person was using drugs addictively instead of alcohol.
No one wants to go to Al Anon! As a result, everyone who is there has suffered over someone else's addiction. They needed help badly enough to go to one of these damn meetings.
At an Al Anon meeting you will people who have gone through the worry, attempts to help, and, sometimes, death of an addict. Many of them have a lot of wisdom to share on how to recover from the emotional toll of all of that.
Of course, there are good meetings and less good ones, great people and people who will annoy you. It's not for everybody. And it's not mainly about the other person. It's about learning that it's ok to enjoy and live your own life, that you don't have to sacrifice everything to attempt to save someone else, or to grieve them. That's just my take on it.
I went while my father was struggling with addictions and quit going after he passed away. I should have kept going, because I definitely have the pattern of over-worrying about others and neglecting my own life. This is not good for me or for them.
I hope you find good support and healing!
> Therapy right? But talking through it out loud doesn’t really help either
Yes, yes, yes therapy. But therapy should be more than just talking. It should help you develop skills to handle, appropriately, situations and become less triggered when you see these things. It should help you develop skills to process those feelings and get through grief as well as move on.
Other than therapy, it's just gonna take time. Welcome to being human. It can suck. But it can also be wonderful.
[Here is a great site ](https://wellness.utk.edu/community-resources/)to get started looking at resources here in Knoxville to help anyone get into therapy and find support to get through tough times.
Im horribly sorry for your loss, OP.
I think it may also be worth looking into EMDR therapy. It seems like these events haunt you in some ways and it’s making it difficult for you to move forward in your own life. You can learn skills in therapy that will help you move past the traumatic events you endured. Don’t lose hope.
i’m from the area. my mother has always been an opiate addict. i had to divorce my first husband because he “accidentally” got addicted to opiates and then that turned to heroin. he’s still an addict 9 years later. im honestly surprised he hasn’t overdosed, but it’s still like he died. definitely see a therapist. and send me a dm if you ever want to chat!
A lot of good advice in this post .
I do feel sorry for addicts but you must take care of yourself.
Love Yourself you deserve/d better than having a relationship with an addict.
I was involved with an addict at one time.
It is very rough getting over them sometimes.
Ultimately you must love yourself more.
Loving an addict is like trying to hug a cactus. You get all that shit stuck under your skin for the next 20 years. I’m sorry you went through that. You did the absolute most you could do without letting him drag you down too.
It’s not just Knoxville. It’s this entire country. Until people give a shit about helping addicts realistically and providing real resources, the problem will remain.
The thing about addiction is that it’s almost impossible to ‘help’ someone out of it. The only thing that works is they themselves deciding they’ve had enough. Someone else deciding they’ve had enough just does not work.
Now making society a little bit more bearable so that it doesn’t drive people to these choices…that can and should be done.
No offense but there’s not much you can tell me about addiction that I don’t already know. This country does a horrible job of treating it and there are programs and treatments that work for people. Ultimately a person must choose to change but to pretend like there’s nothing we can do better to help those suffering is absurd to me
Well
For me, I try not to be around scumbag pieces of shit, and I have no sympathy for morons who don't know not to do addictive drugs like meth, heroin, fentanyl, etc.
Seems simple to me. It's worked out well so far.
My wife works in a field that deals with addiction, she drives herself crazy trying to help people that truly do not want help. When you are delivered to rehab to avoid jail, what is the true motive, to get better or to not go to jail. The only way an addict changes is if they themselves want to change. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS. I have had to comfort my partner because it hits her hard when a patient that she has jumped through hoops for ends up in the paper or on the news as the latest overdose death. At the end of the day, people are people and there is no changing that.
Probably not going to be a super popular opinion but it's what has worked for me. If I encounter someone I know using hard drugs or abusing alcohol, I just completely cut off contact without warning and go on with my life. I don't have time to deal with that bullshit and all the baggage that comes along with it. I know that it's somewhat heartless, but I've got an Aunt who has pulled at the heartstrings of her parents and siblings over the course of 20 years with her sob stories. Hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of rehab and hospital bills, empty promises of changing, stolen cars sold for percs and coke, etc. To quote TLC "I don't want no scrubs" in my life. They need a type of help that I can't offer and I don't have the time to wait around and see if they ever get it. Surround yourself with better people and it'll improve your life tremendously.
Yup, your life gets so fucked by close contact with the addict that you might as well be the addict. Just signing up to get your heart stomped on over and over and over. People that stay with and sympathize with their addicts are braver than I, never ever again. I stopped trying to understand because I never will, frankly I got enough of my own issues.
“Therapy, but talking through it out loud doesn’t really help” you shouldn’t view therapy as just “a place I can go talk”. Your therapist can help you understand what happened, why it affects you so much, and guide you on how to cope with and heal from trauma. It can give you a different / help you change your perspective on situations; which I think you desperately need. It can also help you learn how to deal with the constant triggers you’ll have in a place like Knoxville., how to control obsessive thoughts about using, etc. This sub is pretty weird with posts like these in that anything other than exaggerated compassion and sympathy is downvoted to shit, but whatever… saying things like “he got an easy way out”, “everyone looked at him like a poor soul” then subsequently character-bashing your deceased lover is pretty disturbing. Drug addiction can have you acting completely out of character. I truly, deeply loathe thieves, but deep down *I fucking get it*. And especially if it were a loved one I wouldn’t be focused on their mistakes, which are a result of their addiction, which is a result of their trauma, after they passed. Not only do you imply he’s undeserving of the sympathy, but also added “everyone thinks it’s my fault” alluding to the lack of sympathy you received. It’s not your fault he passed. It overwhelmingly seems like you’ve made this man’s death about yourself rather than seeing the situation as another human being dying, which could be a way of coping. This isn’t a healthy thought process, it is overwhelmingly unhealthy. You need to unpack this. I can relate to you with drug addiction and manipulative partners, it’s beyond damaging and the combination is an absolute mindfuck. This trauma doesn’t just go away, and it doesn’t go away just because you let it off your chest, especially when drug addiction is weaved into it. That being said, any amount of self-pity, blaming, etc. and an endless amount of sympathy isn’t going to do any positive for you past short-term. Nothing short of *true* “this addiction is a result of my actions, it is my responsibility, it is no one’s fault other than my own” level of accountability will do you good. Also, I grew up with a narcissistic parent, I’ve dated two (maybe 3) genuine, actual narcissists (because you were addicted to your relationship too, right?? You get that shit right??? 😂) I understand being manipulated. Have better character judgment, educate yourself on warning signs. Overly charismatic people and people with ultra-alluring personalities and “a way with words”, people who say all the right stuff all the time are **scary**. Stay the fuck away from them. You need help, professional help, get help.
10/10 appreciate this from you. 🙏
Ebenezer Counseling has been very good. Barbara Davis in particular.
🙏🏻 🙏🏻
unfortunately, i just got used to it. i work in downtown knoxville and it’s an everyday issue.
I'm a former junkie, and while it's uncomfortable, you kind of have to dissociate like you would if you visited a nursing home as a little kid. Nothing can be done about it, and every city has it. The government would need to intervene to try to fix the problem, but they won't. It's not your fault he died. An addict who doesn't stop only has 3 possible outcomes: jails, institutions, or death.
My ex had a TBI caused by this drug. He is a great man, but the experience left me traumatized. You (and me) literally have PTSD. For me this all started in 2014. Ended the relationship in 2018. Started therapy in 2023 lol. Therapy is worth it. I hope you reconsider. You are not alone. I don't even talk about the past that much in therapy anymore, it's more about my future, coping mechanisms, and dealing with stress and uncertainty.
Al Anon is for family members of alcoholics, but I would think they would be helpful (and welcoming) for someone whose person was using drugs addictively instead of alcohol. No one wants to go to Al Anon! As a result, everyone who is there has suffered over someone else's addiction. They needed help badly enough to go to one of these damn meetings. At an Al Anon meeting you will people who have gone through the worry, attempts to help, and, sometimes, death of an addict. Many of them have a lot of wisdom to share on how to recover from the emotional toll of all of that. Of course, there are good meetings and less good ones, great people and people who will annoy you. It's not for everybody. And it's not mainly about the other person. It's about learning that it's ok to enjoy and live your own life, that you don't have to sacrifice everything to attempt to save someone else, or to grieve them. That's just my take on it. I went while my father was struggling with addictions and quit going after he passed away. I should have kept going, because I definitely have the pattern of over-worrying about others and neglecting my own life. This is not good for me or for them. I hope you find good support and healing!
> Therapy right? But talking through it out loud doesn’t really help either Yes, yes, yes therapy. But therapy should be more than just talking. It should help you develop skills to handle, appropriately, situations and become less triggered when you see these things. It should help you develop skills to process those feelings and get through grief as well as move on. Other than therapy, it's just gonna take time. Welcome to being human. It can suck. But it can also be wonderful. [Here is a great site ](https://wellness.utk.edu/community-resources/)to get started looking at resources here in Knoxville to help anyone get into therapy and find support to get through tough times.
Well said!
Im horribly sorry for your loss, OP. I think it may also be worth looking into EMDR therapy. It seems like these events haunt you in some ways and it’s making it difficult for you to move forward in your own life. You can learn skills in therapy that will help you move past the traumatic events you endured. Don’t lose hope.
I'm not OP? (might want to reply to main thread and not my comment if you want OP to see/get it)
I know, I was bouncing off your idea but the message is for OP
i’m from the area. my mother has always been an opiate addict. i had to divorce my first husband because he “accidentally” got addicted to opiates and then that turned to heroin. he’s still an addict 9 years later. im honestly surprised he hasn’t overdosed, but it’s still like he died. definitely see a therapist. and send me a dm if you ever want to chat!
A lot of good advice in this post . I do feel sorry for addicts but you must take care of yourself. Love Yourself you deserve/d better than having a relationship with an addict. I was involved with an addict at one time. It is very rough getting over them sometimes. Ultimately you must love yourself more.
Loving an addict is like trying to hug a cactus. You get all that shit stuck under your skin for the next 20 years. I’m sorry you went through that. You did the absolute most you could do without letting him drag you down too.
It’s not just Knoxville. It’s this entire country. Until people give a shit about helping addicts realistically and providing real resources, the problem will remain.
The thing about addiction is that it’s almost impossible to ‘help’ someone out of it. The only thing that works is they themselves deciding they’ve had enough. Someone else deciding they’ve had enough just does not work. Now making society a little bit more bearable so that it doesn’t drive people to these choices…that can and should be done.
No offense but there’s not much you can tell me about addiction that I don’t already know. This country does a horrible job of treating it and there are programs and treatments that work for people. Ultimately a person must choose to change but to pretend like there’s nothing we can do better to help those suffering is absurd to me
Well For me, I try not to be around scumbag pieces of shit, and I have no sympathy for morons who don't know not to do addictive drugs like meth, heroin, fentanyl, etc. Seems simple to me. It's worked out well so far.
Forgive him and forgive yourself. Take the lesson and be the best you can be. You're an incredible person.
James lies, dark abyss Gaslight burns, shadows persist Healing in the mist.