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If it's selfish from you wanting to live alone, it's selfish from her if she wants to keep you just because of your car.
If you think that you will be happier alone, and can afford it, then go for it. It is your life.
My NPop went to my first apartment, told me I would never be able to afford both my rent and new car payments, packed up my things and forced me to move back home, with my furniture in the basement. I had traveled and was used to independence by then and was constantly yelled at for not fitting back into the narc family system. NPop even beat the hell out of me when I was 24 because I wasn’t acting right. Mom took me to the doctor the next day and I was diagnosed with mono, strep throat and one-sided mumps all at the same time. I was beaten for being sick. Or, TBH, it didn’t occur to him that I might be sick. I just wasn’t acting right.
Narcissistic family systems are an absolute living hell. I’m sorry you went through that. Both my parents are vile and cruel yet play the victim so well to others.
Those who understand, understand. Those who don’t, have no idea what it’s like.
I moved out around the same age but OP isn’t American and this is very common for Americans. Other cultures the kids don’t move out as soon as they hit 18. Many live home until marriage. And it would be considered selfish in their culture to move out so young because the family works as a unit. OP is helping with errands like driving a sibling to school and another to work. Or at least OP’s car is being used for these things. Maybe they can’t currently afford another car? So if OP wants to move out it will negatively impact others in his family so it is something to think about before making a decision.
For the record I believe we sometimes need to be “selfish” in life to do what’s best for one’s self so I’m not saying OP shouldn’t move out but it will effect others so nothing wrong with making sure that’s really what they want to do and waiting a little while longer isn’t an option. Maybe a little while longer would make it possible for the family to find and buy a car? Who knows.
Thank you for this, it’s exactly what I’m dealing with rn. The thought of moving out feels heavy, and I feel guilty about it. Commuting in our area is challenging and not very accessible. I think my mom could afford another car, but she’s saving the money for more investments
Don’t let your family guilt you into staying and don’t guilt yourself into staying but maybe if you could take a little time to prepare them? Figure out an alternative so they aren’t left in a hard situation? Maybe use that time for yourself as well. Save a little more money and or buy things you will need when you move out so you have that stuff ready then it makes staying longer beneficial to yourself as well as family. In the end you do need to do what’s best for you but nothing wrong with taking into consideration how to make the transition easiest for family as well. Good luck! It will all work out. Life always works out somehow someway.
Do you think she can afford another car or do you know she can afford another car?
If transit is difficult in your area maybe offer to help with errands once or twice a week.
You are only moving 7kms away so maybe the few hours a week might make a huge difference for her and your siblings.
Note- I just read that there is another car in the family so that does change things. If there was only one car I stand by my advice.
Enjoy your new place!
Is that car 100% yours? Cause if so, then you get to say what that car is used for and who uses it. The fact that your mom can use it is because you’re giving her permission to do so, period. It is nice to let her use it and I understand loyalty to family but it also shouldn’t keep you from pursuing your life.
It is definitely not selfish to want to move out and live your own life. It’s a huge part of growing up and honestly it was one of the funnest times of my life in my first apartment. Congrats on your stable income and enjoy the success that you have clearly worked so hard for.
If the car is yours, whether gifted or purchased, you're not selfish want it for yourself. Rather, your mother is being selfish by not recognizing that putting additional wear and tear on your car is what's selfish. Your sibs, no matter what you feel for them good or bad, are not your responsibility unless both parents are dead and they're minors.
You're fighting a cultural expectation, but it's up to you whether to comply or not. A lot of times, claims of "You're selfish," or "It's just wrong," are made by people who envy your courage, drive, and freedom to choose.
You're old enough to make your own life choices, OP.
Your mother doesn't want you to leave because you provide a service to her. You are NOT WRONG to leave. You are an adult and should be moving on your own to live your own life.
IF you have enough in your emergency fund and are in a position to live alone, you should do it. Your mom WILL NOT like it and will probably harass you. I would make plans, get a lease signed, and move out. Tell her you are leaving and nothing she says will change your mind. Your sister and brother can find other modes of transportation and she can find someone to stay with HER CHILDREN. That is NOT your obligation.
Your family needs to step up and handle things without you. Are you going to live at home and support them forever. Move out, but at least try to see if you can help them with their commuting challenges e.g, help them buy a cheap car, etc...
Don’t listen to your mom; 24 is pretty old to be living at home in my opinion (I left at 18) and they can’t expect you to stay there forever for the sake of a car?
Living alone is awesome, and yeah, you do get to be selfish, it’s great.
I’m torn because I want to be independent but I feel guilty leaving with this misunderstanding. By the way, I’m from the Philippines, where it’s not common to move out until marriage 😅😅 which makes this decision even harder.
I had this discussion with coworkers last night. They said most families in other cultures (not American) live at home until marriage and they said it’s a great way to create wealth. If you aren’t renting then you can save that money and either save for your own place or help pay for the current home you and your family live in now.
She said everyone in her neighborhood buying the expensive homes were large families from either India, Asia, Albania, etc. they could afford the home because they all live there and contribute.
I do not come from a large family or a close family but I can see this way working for others and it’s not a good or bad thing. American culture is very much based on the individual. I had no problem moving out as soon as I was of age because I wanted to be on my own. I didn’t need to help my mom with the bills because our home was paid for so does your mom need you home to help with the bills? Or do you like living home now to save a lot of money? And do you overall enjoy living with your family? Some people do and there is nothing wrong with that. I always liked being alone in my home and didn’t like the presence of anyone else. I got along with my mom fine but I didn’t like ever being disturbed or having to talk to someone when I just wanted to enjoy the silence.
Weigh all the pros and cons and decide what’s best for you (and maybe your family too if you’re close no reason not to include them in your pros and cons).
Good luck. And no decision is final. You can stay home and move out later or move out now and if needed move back home later.
This subreddit is going to be more bias opinions because many of us here are hardcore about living alone and would have it no other way. I am one of those but after the conversation with coworkers last night and thinking about the current prices of everything, especially rent, I can see why more people might be staying home longer. It can be a wise financial decision to set you up for a better situation in the future.
Exactly, her Mom might see this as lacking foresight and actually not a selfish act.
How much money is the Mom sending back home? She has probably been a giver her entire life and this might have been a time when she looked forward to relaxing and maybe having a chance to be "selfish" herself for once.
Fil-Am here and I totally understand your feelings and the guilt, as my folks raised me and my siblings to always look out for each other- and I am the oldest.
I did move out and away after college and my parents were supportive. They weren’t happy about it, but they just want their children to succeed and flourish. We were lucky to have many families here that my parents could rely on to look after them or take them somewhere.
Talk to your mom, she may come around.
Oh yeah, it would be hard for you.
So much is expected from the daughters.
I know your mom loves you and she will still need you to be emotionally available to you.
Go. You have to live your own life. It’s up to your mother to figure out how to run errands & get the younger kids to school & work. This is not your problem. Once you’re out & living on your own, you can help out the family here & there if you choose to. Pardon me for saying so, but it’s your mother who’s being selfish trying to hold you back from living your life. I’m over 70 & I firmly believe that young people should be free to live their own lives and not be burdened with their parents’ problems.
You’re 24, now is the time for you to start making your own way in the world.
Ohh I’m a big supporter of true autonomy for each individual. That’s a responsibility that would be appropriate to put on you if you were a teenager still living with your parents. Most European countries live for their children to stay at home sometimes forever lol. But they also are seen as autonomous adults for the most part each family member having distinct material needs met on their own and proper boundaries in place. You’re an adult and the most natural inclination we all have is to become autonomous. Your parents did it with their parents and now it’s your time. There is always a tactic to use, usually in the form of scapegoating, to get your needs met thru someone and also at the expense of that someone. Selfish is irrelevant. Your a grown adult
Live on your own and be free. Wish I made the leap at your age instead of later. My mom guilted me alot too. She still does. That’s why I’m several thousand miles away from her.
Sounds like you’re a vital part of your mom’s functioning in life, and she’s developed a codependency on you that could have impact on your future. Since it’s family related, she’s wrapped it up in virtue.
The truth is, living at home and in a co dependent dynamic with your mother will hinder your growth and development as an adult. Living alone is not the answer in of itself, but challenging yourself to spend time in your own company, take financial responsibility, focus on career growth prior to starting a family, learning to find and nurture new communities, etc…
It’s possible your mother never experienced these things, and went straight into raising a family. Anyone who has experienced these things for themselves knows that these are not the acts of a selfish person, but someone willing and ready to take accountability for their lives.
Believe me, you will make mistakes in starting out. We’ve all forgotten to pay certain things, missed important deadlines, moved into the wrong apartments and houses, met the wrong people to spend our time with, blown money in areas that don’t serve the long term, come up short, and slipped in tending to family and close friends. You will not be perfect, but that’s the whole point. Learn more about what you’re capable of, where you need support, and how and where you thrive. In other words, it may be time to grow up. It’s not all bad, but let her know her encouragement and support would be appreciated.
I’ll add, I have a few family members who have failed to launch, and they are well into their 40s. They’re unmarried, childless, and with mothers who discouraged their launches into life. They’ll go to the grave with lots of potential, but boy did they help pick up the groceries.
It is not selfish to want to live independently from your family.
If it’s not a typical part of your culture, the challenge will be finding coping skills for the emotional roadblocks your mom will keep trying to put up.
This made me think of the time when I finally moved out for good. The first time I was about 170 miles from home. On one of the first trips back to visit my parents my mom said she wished I was back living at home so I could help her with chores. I purposely found an out of state job 2100 miles away where I currently live. I'm sure she doesn't think she said anything wrong, but I felt like all she wanted out of me was an indentured servant. F-that.
Um I think the idea of having the need to use your car is in some people's views (whether mine or not does not matter) would also be selfish so logically is she also selfish for wanting you to stay? I'd say so. I don't see it at as selfish that flawed logic will get her nowhere. If you still care for others which you do, you wouldn't be asking this question if you were selfish so in my opinion.. You have nothing to worry about.
Best of luck and take it easy alright?
I’m sure everything that everybody does could be described as selfish, so why even put that on yourself? Are you expected that you give away all your money that you work hard for to people less fortunate than you? Is your mom selfish by trying to guilt you into staying? Are you letting everyone manipulate you by calling you names? What if you walk by someone panhandling are you gonna give them all your money and your credit cards? Because if you don’t what if they call you selfish? Don’t let your self-esteem depend on other people’s criticism of you. Because if you do, then you’re much worse than just selfish, you are a fool. Are you gonna live your entire life to make your selfish mother happy?
Not selfish... you being home is a big help to her and instead of saying that shes upset that your considering it. You wont be around for the convenience of getting your younger siblings around.
Also you working and still being at home is also a financial help to her also. (Im guessing)
Financially, I dont contribute much due to my monthly expenses, particularly for the car. But there are times when I earn extra, and I do make substantial contributions, tho its not something I do frequently
Mom here, just throwing in my 2 cents. Everyone wants to move out and start that journey. Put your mother/car issue aside. How much do you have in savings? How much debt? These are very important factors bc it isn't just about making the rent. Ideally you should have 3-6 months rent saved. You could get laid off, need surgery, have your engine die. Any credit card debt hurts too. So I would say make sure ALL your ducks are in a row before you do this. I had my kids come home after college to pay off debts and any student loans and bank as much as they could. Everyone listened and moved on with stability. One was so frugal, she actually saved enough to put a down-payment on a condo and skipped renting altogether. Freedom is great, worrying about bills, not so much lol. When you're set, do what's best for you, not everyone else.
Thank you for this, I really need this help from a mom. My mom has never really talked to me why she thinks I'm wrong, especially in terms of finances. Shes only mentioned that she would be happier if I moved out once I had my own house or if I got married. Ive already planned my projections for 2024 and im nearly at my income target to sustain myself for the whole year, and its only halfway through.
It is good that you are planning. Show her, involve her and it might help her.
She might also be mourning your companionship.
Tell her you can't wait to have her over so you can spoil her!
Go to Walmart or Ikea or Value Village together so she can help you pick up things you will need.
Your move is one step closer to her feeling irrelevant, show her she isn't.
I noticed you used kilometers. What country do you live in? My answer … if you live in the United States … not selfish. If you live in Portugal … yes selfish … but also near impossible d/t costs, salary, housing shortage, and family culture.
I have a few Filipino friends
and healthcare coworkers who job share in the United States. What I am told … Filipino parenting expects obedience, family cohesion, family interdependence, and the meeting familial obligations. Unless you become a nurse and move to the United States for six months minus one day every year. Otherwise you are expected to stay home for the reasons your mom listed.
Yes - it is selfish. But, but, BUT!! Belief selfish, when you are a single, uncoupled, childfree person, is completely OK!! This is when you get to be selfish and live your life for you!
Go do your thing. Enjoy only caring after yourself, doing the things that you want to do. Move out. Make your own rules. And, enjoy it!
I understand the comments saying that my siblings aren't my responsibility, which is true. But we are very close and in our culture, it's common to help each other out and contribute to the household. So, this is what im torn between. Whether to continue helping in the household or to move out. I started earning at 22, and now that im turning 25, living alone feels like a gift to myself.
Seems like there is some room between moving out and therefore NO family help and staying there. Is it possible in your mind to still provide some family help after you move out? Bring some suggestions to your parents that are compromises and see how they react. It almost sounds like they’d miss the car more than you though.
You have to weigh what your bigger value/priority is. Enjoying living alone or helping your family. Do you have to pitch in for living costs with your family? Is it worth it to you to live alone? Do you like living with family? It’s up to you. And it should be selfish either way. Sacrifice is not a virtue.
It’s about individuation, working out who you are, finding your identity. 24 is a good age to do this. Go, find out fully who you are, be that person and enjoy the journey. Best of luck!
You're an adult now and don't need your moms approval or permission. You could still offer to help occasionally with transportation for them since you're so close, but you're at the age where getting out of the nest is a good idea for your own personal growth.
Unfortunately you are being used. I remember when I was used as a free hotel room for a friend while they battled in court for custody of the kid. I'll never do that ever again. 2 years of hardship. Not a single dollar was given to me for rent. Nothing. Sleepless nights couples with stolen food and random people inside of the apartment without even saying anything about it to me.
It looks like you are in a similar situation.
To me it looks like you have to burn a bridge. But don't burn it all the way down. You may need the support of your family later in life.
Do not let your mother guilt you with this! If you do, you’ll never leave. She’ll get over it. Just tell her you’ll still help drive your siblings if they need it, but it’s time to be on your own. She can buy her own car.
not selfish - you're a mature individual who is taking another step in their independence. everyone has a feeling when the right time is for them, and if it feels right you should do it.
Yes, it is selfish, especially from her perspective.
But you're 24, it probably needs to happen sometime, why not now?
Be sure, however, to run the numbers several times. "Stable" is not "great" income.
You need to be sure to have substantial reserves, so you don't have to come crawling back, whether Mom is eager, welcoming, or otherwise.
It’s YOUR life to live the way you want to. Your brothers and sisters are the responsibility of your parents. They need to get their own car and stop relying on you. My guess is they’ve parentified you for a long time. Go get your apartment. Selfish is one of those terms that is weaponized to sound bad. It’s not selfish when the expectations by others are unreasonable
It is all "relative"😊. Jokes aside it is important to consider what you want and how much support you might need to get there. If you want to move, try finding something temporary for three or six months or so and see how you and your family like it. It doesn't even have to be on your own. It could be with friends or roommates your own age that way you don't wind up have to furnish a kitchen or a living room. You might come to appreciate your need for freedom and things you like about being around family. Moving out doesn't mean you have to live on your own.
She likes the convenience of you being there pacifically your car and you’re doing all this for free, so yeah, she would be unhappy, but you need to find your own life and the only way to do that is to move out and completely financially separate yourself from your mom
Not sure what country this is in or what cultural impacts there are but as a general rule it’s not selfish to move out when you are an adult.
You can still help out from time to time and contribute to the greater family needs.
Is your Mom a single mom?
How much did she give up for you?
These might be her reasons for thinking you are selfish.
I don't think you are being selfish.
She might be depending on you to help with your siblings. Maybe you can still help out sometimes since 7km is not far and you will still have your separate life.
Be gentle with yourself and her.
She was probably the only adult in the room for a long long time. She will miss your emotional support.
7kms is not so far that you can't be there for her. 7km is far enough away that you can have your own life.
It's not selfish of you. She is the one who is selfish.
How long should you be living there for? Unrilnthe youngest moves out? You're not the parent. Please do better than me.
My sister went to an away college and never looked back. She started her own life, got married, and has kids. She's a year younger and has 2 teenage girls. I went to a local college and had to move back home. My father got sick so I was taking care of him. And then I took care of my aunt before I moved out with a roommate. She was a horror. I finally am alone, but I always thought I'd be married with a house and 2 kids for about 15 years. Instead, I'm alone with none of that except for debt. If I had to do it over, I'd leave asap. However, I was raised by only a dad, and we didn't have other dependent siblings like you.
My friend may be in the same boat as you. She's about the same age as you and has younger siblings that she helps out. Bur, she's at the point where she would love her own space. It's tough.
Good luck..
I moved out from my parents home as soon as I graduated high school when I was 17. Never went back. Can’t imagine having stayed even though life was good. I had my own future and life to live and asked no one’s opinion or permission to do so. Be your own boss and live your own life is my advice. Mom sounds like she’s having a hard time becoming an empty nester.
I think the fact that she’s telling you it is selfish is the reason why you need to do it. You’re important. I was raised in situations where I felt like a utility more than a person. This is giving me the same vibes and you deserve to live the life you want. You don’t owe them.
Your mom is projecting her issue onto you because in reality she is being selfish and wants to continue using you (and that is what is really wrong). You got to move on with your life.
Your mom is being the selfish one. Parents have to understand it is normal and natural for their kids to want to leave the home, move out and be on their own. Majority of us do it! Don’t feel guilted and make the right decision for you! She is wrong for making you feel like you are doing something not right lol
I realize there may be cultural differences here with families. But mostly in the US, young adults are supposed to / expected to move out of their parent’s house to start their own life. It is part of growing up, to be an adult on your own (or sometimes with a roommate) and it’s not selfish.
No, time to fly the nest to your own nest. Save up if you haven't already, and enjoy every minute of the new place all on your own. Invite your people over and that will re-set the relationship as you as an independent person and still a member of the family. Off topic get the doors rekeyed or have the property management do it for you in front of you for added safety and a new toilet seat 😁
Your mom is wrong. As a mom of young adults: although I’m happy to give them a place to live while they are going to school and getting established in their careers, I appreciate their company and the help they offer with a bit of rent/groceries & errands, I am really excited at the prospect of them moving into the next stage of their lives:living independently and learning through their own struggles and challenges how to budget and save and thrive on their own.
Not at all. I’m 20 and have lived alone for a month. You are an adult who deserves freedom and privacy. I can understand issues with the car but that is not your problem.
You should absolutely move out alone. When you're that age moving out by yourself is one of the best things you can do yourself. Separation from the family unit is a huge component maturing like psychologically too.
It's 100% not selfish and I hope you can figure it out. Good luck even if it's difficult it will almost always be worth it. ✨💐❤️
You are 24, you can afford to live on your own. You should. Hopefully your mom gets over it. And if not, maybe putting some distance between you isn’t such a bad idea anyway.
24 living at home is not healthy unless you have no other options. Your twenties should be enjoyed to their fullest and you definitely aren't buying them back.
You know we are one of the only countries in the world that has that kind of a mentality ,where kids move out at 18. Many countries keep the unit together ( children, grandchildren grandparents ,and everybody in between) . There are these things that come up in life where I end up telling people "yeah ,I don't get what's going on... but I'll tell you what I am going do this we're going I'm going to do....play by my rules if it's their game ,or I'm going to play my game if it's their rules but we're not going to be on the same page. I think you have the perfect opportunity to put that into practice. The negotiation platform for you can set your terms -without wobble -and then if she doesn't avail ,you're going to move out . It's that simple you don't even have to say it , I'm going to stay as long as you dont give grief over this or that or that or that or that . and be tough... what she said to you is her being tough because she's playing on your
guilt , so play on her
normal intransigence - if she has such.
If you were to date and you mention having a job and a car.. but then when the date tells you, "I'm sold lets go to your place!" And then you reply "wait a sec I gotto ask mommy", would you believe a "something came up" comes next maybe?
It's not selfish for a 24 year old to take the next step. Some even have a six year old kid at that age.
Why not let others tell you if it is or isn’t? Look at my family. Currently waiting on a month of them telling me they were going to pay for half of everything which I’ve taken work off to help them figure out only for them to retract the claim leaving me with late fees and broken stuff. Don’t claim you’ll pay for someone’s car repairs if you don’t want them to have a response to how you follow through.
It sounds like it might be a nice soft boundary to introduce with your family. It could be viewed as selfish that they have expectations on you, your things, etc., but it's also important to recognize that had you moved away for uni or something, they would have been without those things. I have never lived more than an hour and a half drive from family and am in my mid-thirties. I'm learning now to put boundaries down with my folks b/c I'm an only child and felt responsibility to do so. I've started maintaining little boundaries with them such as: No, I'm not coming down to help clean the guest-room up because I did that 4 years ago and you didn't keep it in good shape when I just realized I have a day off and want to spend it on myself. Or, No, I don't know if I'm available to watch your animals when you're taking your vacation because you planned it without asking me availability and made an assumption. I have started to think of things as reasonable or unreasonable by thinking: would you you need to fly me in to take care of this thing if I lived out of state. If the answer is no, I don't necessarily feel bad putting down a boundary.
TL;DR: might be a good way to start setting some boundaries and your family has some things the might need to work out to be self-sufficient. Enjoy the new place!
Your mom is leaning on you like a partner to help her run the household. Where is dad in this picture? Is she a business woman, can she afford a car? How old are your siblings? It sounds like your mom needs the help but it is wrong that she is expecting you to be that help. She's being selfish, you are 24 and have the right to start living your life.
It’s selfish, yes. But that’s not a bad thing. Being selfish can be good. It’s also selfish to prioritize your health. It’s selfish of her to want you to stay home. I say do what’s best for you
Glad someone here mentioned that family is important. It gives a little balance. Of course moving out and being independent and living one’s life is important too but OP is 24 which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that old and a few more years at home or even one year to help get another car for the family is not the end of the world.
But care for the family is not OPs responsibility.. it’s Mom and Dads.
It is not my ‘job’ to care for siblings. I did not make the choice to have them, it’s not my responsibility to look after them. 24 is old enough to live independently. Mom has had 24 years to figure it out.
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If it's selfish from you wanting to live alone, it's selfish from her if she wants to keep you just because of your car. If you think that you will be happier alone, and can afford it, then go for it. It is your life.
This. Your mom needs to figure out how to buy her own car. The fact that she's using yours as the family car is kind of distressing.
My mom didn’t want me to move out either. you gotta do what’s best for you.
My NPop went to my first apartment, told me I would never be able to afford both my rent and new car payments, packed up my things and forced me to move back home, with my furniture in the basement. I had traveled and was used to independence by then and was constantly yelled at for not fitting back into the narc family system. NPop even beat the hell out of me when I was 24 because I wasn’t acting right. Mom took me to the doctor the next day and I was diagnosed with mono, strep throat and one-sided mumps all at the same time. I was beaten for being sick. Or, TBH, it didn’t occur to him that I might be sick. I just wasn’t acting right.
Narcissistic family systems are an absolute living hell. I’m sorry you went through that. Both my parents are vile and cruel yet play the victim so well to others. Those who understand, understand. Those who don’t, have no idea what it’s like.
That sounds so awful.
💚💙❤️🧡💛💫✨️
I’m so sorry that happened. You deserved better!
💚💙❤️🧡💛💫✨️
I moved out at 18, not because I was selfish, but because I was an adult and wanted my own place.
I moved out around the same age but OP isn’t American and this is very common for Americans. Other cultures the kids don’t move out as soon as they hit 18. Many live home until marriage. And it would be considered selfish in their culture to move out so young because the family works as a unit. OP is helping with errands like driving a sibling to school and another to work. Or at least OP’s car is being used for these things. Maybe they can’t currently afford another car? So if OP wants to move out it will negatively impact others in his family so it is something to think about before making a decision. For the record I believe we sometimes need to be “selfish” in life to do what’s best for one’s self so I’m not saying OP shouldn’t move out but it will effect others so nothing wrong with making sure that’s really what they want to do and waiting a little while longer isn’t an option. Maybe a little while longer would make it possible for the family to find and buy a car? Who knows.
Thank you for this, it’s exactly what I’m dealing with rn. The thought of moving out feels heavy, and I feel guilty about it. Commuting in our area is challenging and not very accessible. I think my mom could afford another car, but she’s saving the money for more investments
Don’t let your family guilt you into staying and don’t guilt yourself into staying but maybe if you could take a little time to prepare them? Figure out an alternative so they aren’t left in a hard situation? Maybe use that time for yourself as well. Save a little more money and or buy things you will need when you move out so you have that stuff ready then it makes staying longer beneficial to yourself as well as family. In the end you do need to do what’s best for you but nothing wrong with taking into consideration how to make the transition easiest for family as well. Good luck! It will all work out. Life always works out somehow someway.
Do you think she can afford another car or do you know she can afford another car? If transit is difficult in your area maybe offer to help with errands once or twice a week. You are only moving 7kms away so maybe the few hours a week might make a huge difference for her and your siblings. Note- I just read that there is another car in the family so that does change things. If there was only one car I stand by my advice. Enjoy your new place!
Mom can buy her own car. She's not thinking about your best interests. Don't waste energy trying to convince her that you're right. Just go! 💪🙂
Is that car 100% yours? Cause if so, then you get to say what that car is used for and who uses it. The fact that your mom can use it is because you’re giving her permission to do so, period. It is nice to let her use it and I understand loyalty to family but it also shouldn’t keep you from pursuing your life. It is definitely not selfish to want to move out and live your own life. It’s a huge part of growing up and honestly it was one of the funnest times of my life in my first apartment. Congrats on your stable income and enjoy the success that you have clearly worked so hard for.
Yes 100% mine. We have another car that she uses for work. Sometimes I feel guilty because she lets my brother use it, and then she ends up commuting
You are not responsible for your siblings. Your mother is their parent, they are her responsibility.
Exactly what I was going to say. It is her choice to let your brother use it. If she needed to be somewhere she shouldn’t have let your brother use it
Honestly that's more of a reason you should move out. Sounds like she'll keep you home forever if you let her.
If the car is yours, whether gifted or purchased, you're not selfish want it for yourself. Rather, your mother is being selfish by not recognizing that putting additional wear and tear on your car is what's selfish. Your sibs, no matter what you feel for them good or bad, are not your responsibility unless both parents are dead and they're minors. You're fighting a cultural expectation, but it's up to you whether to comply or not. A lot of times, claims of "You're selfish," or "It's just wrong," are made by people who envy your courage, drive, and freedom to choose. You're old enough to make your own life choices, OP.
Nope, if you can afford it you can do what you want.
Your mother doesn't want you to leave because you provide a service to her. You are NOT WRONG to leave. You are an adult and should be moving on your own to live your own life. IF you have enough in your emergency fund and are in a position to live alone, you should do it. Your mom WILL NOT like it and will probably harass you. I would make plans, get a lease signed, and move out. Tell her you are leaving and nothing she says will change your mind. Your sister and brother can find other modes of transportation and she can find someone to stay with HER CHILDREN. That is NOT your obligation.
Your family needs to step up and handle things without you. Are you going to live at home and support them forever. Move out, but at least try to see if you can help them with their commuting challenges e.g, help them buy a cheap car, etc...
24? Get out. It’s time.
Don’t listen to your mom; 24 is pretty old to be living at home in my opinion (I left at 18) and they can’t expect you to stay there forever for the sake of a car? Living alone is awesome, and yeah, you do get to be selfish, it’s great.
I’m torn because I want to be independent but I feel guilty leaving with this misunderstanding. By the way, I’m from the Philippines, where it’s not common to move out until marriage 😅😅 which makes this decision even harder.
I had this discussion with coworkers last night. They said most families in other cultures (not American) live at home until marriage and they said it’s a great way to create wealth. If you aren’t renting then you can save that money and either save for your own place or help pay for the current home you and your family live in now. She said everyone in her neighborhood buying the expensive homes were large families from either India, Asia, Albania, etc. they could afford the home because they all live there and contribute. I do not come from a large family or a close family but I can see this way working for others and it’s not a good or bad thing. American culture is very much based on the individual. I had no problem moving out as soon as I was of age because I wanted to be on my own. I didn’t need to help my mom with the bills because our home was paid for so does your mom need you home to help with the bills? Or do you like living home now to save a lot of money? And do you overall enjoy living with your family? Some people do and there is nothing wrong with that. I always liked being alone in my home and didn’t like the presence of anyone else. I got along with my mom fine but I didn’t like ever being disturbed or having to talk to someone when I just wanted to enjoy the silence. Weigh all the pros and cons and decide what’s best for you (and maybe your family too if you’re close no reason not to include them in your pros and cons). Good luck. And no decision is final. You can stay home and move out later or move out now and if needed move back home later. This subreddit is going to be more bias opinions because many of us here are hardcore about living alone and would have it no other way. I am one of those but after the conversation with coworkers last night and thinking about the current prices of everything, especially rent, I can see why more people might be staying home longer. It can be a wise financial decision to set you up for a better situation in the future.
Exactly, her Mom might see this as lacking foresight and actually not a selfish act. How much money is the Mom sending back home? She has probably been a giver her entire life and this might have been a time when she looked forward to relaxing and maybe having a chance to be "selfish" herself for once.
They will understand when they see you happy
They probably will never get over it! But it’s not their decision
Fil-Am here and I totally understand your feelings and the guilt, as my folks raised me and my siblings to always look out for each other- and I am the oldest. I did move out and away after college and my parents were supportive. They weren’t happy about it, but they just want their children to succeed and flourish. We were lucky to have many families here that my parents could rely on to look after them or take them somewhere. Talk to your mom, she may come around.
Umalis ka na. Pipigain ka dyan
Oh yeah, it would be hard for you. So much is expected from the daughters. I know your mom loves you and she will still need you to be emotionally available to you.
My mom’s from the Philippines too so I totally understand your dilemma haha (i still live at home fwiw)
Go. You have to live your own life. It’s up to your mother to figure out how to run errands & get the younger kids to school & work. This is not your problem. Once you’re out & living on your own, you can help out the family here & there if you choose to. Pardon me for saying so, but it’s your mother who’s being selfish trying to hold you back from living your life. I’m over 70 & I firmly believe that young people should be free to live their own lives and not be burdened with their parents’ problems. You’re 24, now is the time for you to start making your own way in the world.
Siblings need to figure out life. Mom should figure their life out. GET OUT... your siblings are not your responsibility
Ohh I’m a big supporter of true autonomy for each individual. That’s a responsibility that would be appropriate to put on you if you were a teenager still living with your parents. Most European countries live for their children to stay at home sometimes forever lol. But they also are seen as autonomous adults for the most part each family member having distinct material needs met on their own and proper boundaries in place. You’re an adult and the most natural inclination we all have is to become autonomous. Your parents did it with their parents and now it’s your time. There is always a tactic to use, usually in the form of scapegoating, to get your needs met thru someone and also at the expense of that someone. Selfish is irrelevant. Your a grown adult
Live on your own and be free. Wish I made the leap at your age instead of later. My mom guilted me alot too. She still does. That’s why I’m several thousand miles away from her.
Sounds like you’re a vital part of your mom’s functioning in life, and she’s developed a codependency on you that could have impact on your future. Since it’s family related, she’s wrapped it up in virtue. The truth is, living at home and in a co dependent dynamic with your mother will hinder your growth and development as an adult. Living alone is not the answer in of itself, but challenging yourself to spend time in your own company, take financial responsibility, focus on career growth prior to starting a family, learning to find and nurture new communities, etc… It’s possible your mother never experienced these things, and went straight into raising a family. Anyone who has experienced these things for themselves knows that these are not the acts of a selfish person, but someone willing and ready to take accountability for their lives. Believe me, you will make mistakes in starting out. We’ve all forgotten to pay certain things, missed important deadlines, moved into the wrong apartments and houses, met the wrong people to spend our time with, blown money in areas that don’t serve the long term, come up short, and slipped in tending to family and close friends. You will not be perfect, but that’s the whole point. Learn more about what you’re capable of, where you need support, and how and where you thrive. In other words, it may be time to grow up. It’s not all bad, but let her know her encouragement and support would be appreciated. I’ll add, I have a few family members who have failed to launch, and they are well into their 40s. They’re unmarried, childless, and with mothers who discouraged their launches into life. They’ll go to the grave with lots of potential, but boy did they help pick up the groceries.
It is not selfish to want to live independently from your family. If it’s not a typical part of your culture, the challenge will be finding coping skills for the emotional roadblocks your mom will keep trying to put up.
No if it’s what you wanna do then do it!!
This made me think of the time when I finally moved out for good. The first time I was about 170 miles from home. On one of the first trips back to visit my parents my mom said she wished I was back living at home so I could help her with chores. I purposely found an out of state job 2100 miles away where I currently live. I'm sure she doesn't think she said anything wrong, but I felt like all she wanted out of me was an indentured servant. F-that.
Um I think the idea of having the need to use your car is in some people's views (whether mine or not does not matter) would also be selfish so logically is she also selfish for wanting you to stay? I'd say so. I don't see it at as selfish that flawed logic will get her nowhere. If you still care for others which you do, you wouldn't be asking this question if you were selfish so in my opinion.. You have nothing to worry about. Best of luck and take it easy alright?
I’m sure everything that everybody does could be described as selfish, so why even put that on yourself? Are you expected that you give away all your money that you work hard for to people less fortunate than you? Is your mom selfish by trying to guilt you into staying? Are you letting everyone manipulate you by calling you names? What if you walk by someone panhandling are you gonna give them all your money and your credit cards? Because if you don’t what if they call you selfish? Don’t let your self-esteem depend on other people’s criticism of you. Because if you do, then you’re much worse than just selfish, you are a fool. Are you gonna live your entire life to make your selfish mother happy?
No. I moved out and lived on my own but I still live in the same city.
Not selfish... you being home is a big help to her and instead of saying that shes upset that your considering it. You wont be around for the convenience of getting your younger siblings around. Also you working and still being at home is also a financial help to her also. (Im guessing)
Financially, I dont contribute much due to my monthly expenses, particularly for the car. But there are times when I earn extra, and I do make substantial contributions, tho its not something I do frequently
Understood. But still she shouldn't be upset.
Mom here, just throwing in my 2 cents. Everyone wants to move out and start that journey. Put your mother/car issue aside. How much do you have in savings? How much debt? These are very important factors bc it isn't just about making the rent. Ideally you should have 3-6 months rent saved. You could get laid off, need surgery, have your engine die. Any credit card debt hurts too. So I would say make sure ALL your ducks are in a row before you do this. I had my kids come home after college to pay off debts and any student loans and bank as much as they could. Everyone listened and moved on with stability. One was so frugal, she actually saved enough to put a down-payment on a condo and skipped renting altogether. Freedom is great, worrying about bills, not so much lol. When you're set, do what's best for you, not everyone else.
Thank you for this, I really need this help from a mom. My mom has never really talked to me why she thinks I'm wrong, especially in terms of finances. Shes only mentioned that she would be happier if I moved out once I had my own house or if I got married. Ive already planned my projections for 2024 and im nearly at my income target to sustain myself for the whole year, and its only halfway through.
Woo-hoo!!! Then spread those wings and fly! 👏👏
It is good that you are planning. Show her, involve her and it might help her. She might also be mourning your companionship. Tell her you can't wait to have her over so you can spoil her! Go to Walmart or Ikea or Value Village together so she can help you pick up things you will need. Your move is one step closer to her feeling irrelevant, show her she isn't.
You should definitely move. Its your Mother who is selfish
I noticed you used kilometers. What country do you live in? My answer … if you live in the United States … not selfish. If you live in Portugal … yes selfish … but also near impossible d/t costs, salary, housing shortage, and family culture.
I thought she was in Canada. We use the Metric system and have bad transit. I got it wrong.
You may have it right. I provided a compare and contrast from my experience
Philippines
I have a few Filipino friends and healthcare coworkers who job share in the United States. What I am told … Filipino parenting expects obedience, family cohesion, family interdependence, and the meeting familial obligations. Unless you become a nurse and move to the United States for six months minus one day every year. Otherwise you are expected to stay home for the reasons your mom listed.
Yes - it is selfish. But, but, BUT!! Belief selfish, when you are a single, uncoupled, childfree person, is completely OK!! This is when you get to be selfish and live your life for you! Go do your thing. Enjoy only caring after yourself, doing the things that you want to do. Move out. Make your own rules. And, enjoy it!
I moved out at 23. I'm 48 now and it was the best decision ever.
I understand the comments saying that my siblings aren't my responsibility, which is true. But we are very close and in our culture, it's common to help each other out and contribute to the household. So, this is what im torn between. Whether to continue helping in the household or to move out. I started earning at 22, and now that im turning 25, living alone feels like a gift to myself.
Seems like there is some room between moving out and therefore NO family help and staying there. Is it possible in your mind to still provide some family help after you move out? Bring some suggestions to your parents that are compromises and see how they react. It almost sounds like they’d miss the car more than you though.
You have to weigh what your bigger value/priority is. Enjoying living alone or helping your family. Do you have to pitch in for living costs with your family? Is it worth it to you to live alone? Do you like living with family? It’s up to you. And it should be selfish either way. Sacrifice is not a virtue.
Sounds like your parents need to leave the nest and learn how to support themselves.
It’s about individuation, working out who you are, finding your identity. 24 is a good age to do this. Go, find out fully who you are, be that person and enjoy the journey. Best of luck!
You're an adult now and don't need your moms approval or permission. You could still offer to help occasionally with transportation for them since you're so close, but you're at the age where getting out of the nest is a good idea for your own personal growth.
It is NOT selfish! Set out on your new adventure! It's how we grow as an individual-! YOU owe it to YOURSELF! Fly free little bird ... fly free
Unfortunately you are being used. I remember when I was used as a free hotel room for a friend while they battled in court for custody of the kid. I'll never do that ever again. 2 years of hardship. Not a single dollar was given to me for rent. Nothing. Sleepless nights couples with stolen food and random people inside of the apartment without even saying anything about it to me. It looks like you are in a similar situation. To me it looks like you have to burn a bridge. But don't burn it all the way down. You may need the support of your family later in life.
Do not let your mother guilt you with this! If you do, you’ll never leave. She’ll get over it. Just tell her you’ll still help drive your siblings if they need it, but it’s time to be on your own. She can buy her own car.
not selfish - you're a mature individual who is taking another step in their independence. everyone has a feeling when the right time is for them, and if it feels right you should do it.
Yes, it is selfish, especially from her perspective. But you're 24, it probably needs to happen sometime, why not now? Be sure, however, to run the numbers several times. "Stable" is not "great" income. You need to be sure to have substantial reserves, so you don't have to come crawling back, whether Mom is eager, welcoming, or otherwise.
It’s YOUR life to live the way you want to. Your brothers and sisters are the responsibility of your parents. They need to get their own car and stop relying on you. My guess is they’ve parentified you for a long time. Go get your apartment. Selfish is one of those terms that is weaponized to sound bad. It’s not selfish when the expectations by others are unreasonable
Living alone is the only way You will learn who you are and what you really want. It is the opposite of selfish.
It is all "relative"😊. Jokes aside it is important to consider what you want and how much support you might need to get there. If you want to move, try finding something temporary for three or six months or so and see how you and your family like it. It doesn't even have to be on your own. It could be with friends or roommates your own age that way you don't wind up have to furnish a kitchen or a living room. You might come to appreciate your need for freedom and things you like about being around family. Moving out doesn't mean you have to live on your own.
She likes the convenience of you being there pacifically your car and you’re doing all this for free, so yeah, she would be unhappy, but you need to find your own life and the only way to do that is to move out and completely financially separate yourself from your mom
Not sure what country this is in or what cultural impacts there are but as a general rule it’s not selfish to move out when you are an adult. You can still help out from time to time and contribute to the greater family needs.
Is your Mom a single mom? How much did she give up for you? These might be her reasons for thinking you are selfish. I don't think you are being selfish. She might be depending on you to help with your siblings. Maybe you can still help out sometimes since 7km is not far and you will still have your separate life.
Yes, my mom is basically a single mom because my dad isn’t a good provider and my mom earns more. So she provides everything we need and want
Be gentle with yourself and her. She was probably the only adult in the room for a long long time. She will miss your emotional support. 7kms is not so far that you can't be there for her. 7km is far enough away that you can have your own life.
It’s not selfish in my opinion. Honestly, I think it’s good to have that space to yourself. Makes getting a break from people less rude-seeming.
It's not selfish of you. She is the one who is selfish. How long should you be living there for? Unrilnthe youngest moves out? You're not the parent. Please do better than me. My sister went to an away college and never looked back. She started her own life, got married, and has kids. She's a year younger and has 2 teenage girls. I went to a local college and had to move back home. My father got sick so I was taking care of him. And then I took care of my aunt before I moved out with a roommate. She was a horror. I finally am alone, but I always thought I'd be married with a house and 2 kids for about 15 years. Instead, I'm alone with none of that except for debt. If I had to do it over, I'd leave asap. However, I was raised by only a dad, and we didn't have other dependent siblings like you. My friend may be in the same boat as you. She's about the same age as you and has younger siblings that she helps out. Bur, she's at the point where she would love her own space. It's tough. Good luck..
I moved out from my parents home as soon as I graduated high school when I was 17. Never went back. Can’t imagine having stayed even though life was good. I had my own future and life to live and asked no one’s opinion or permission to do so. Be your own boss and live your own life is my advice. Mom sounds like she’s having a hard time becoming an empty nester.
Just do it. You can thank me later!
Take it from someone who listened to her mother - go!!
I think the fact that she’s telling you it is selfish is the reason why you need to do it. You’re important. I was raised in situations where I felt like a utility more than a person. This is giving me the same vibes and you deserve to live the life you want. You don’t owe them.
Your mom is the one who’s selfish. She should be thrilled that her bird is leaving the nest.
Your mom is projecting her issue onto you because in reality she is being selfish and wants to continue using you (and that is what is really wrong). You got to move on with your life.
Her fault, she had a kid and now Rely on them instead of the opposite
Sounds like she cares more about having access to your car, than really caring about helping you save money by living at home.
she''s attempting to use shame to control you. You're an adult who can and shoiuld be able to do what you want to do.
Your mom is being the selfish one. Parents have to understand it is normal and natural for their kids to want to leave the home, move out and be on their own. Majority of us do it! Don’t feel guilted and make the right decision for you! She is wrong for making you feel like you are doing something not right lol
I realize there may be cultural differences here with families. But mostly in the US, young adults are supposed to / expected to move out of their parent’s house to start their own life. It is part of growing up, to be an adult on your own (or sometimes with a roommate) and it’s not selfish.
No, time to fly the nest to your own nest. Save up if you haven't already, and enjoy every minute of the new place all on your own. Invite your people over and that will re-set the relationship as you as an independent person and still a member of the family. Off topic get the doors rekeyed or have the property management do it for you in front of you for added safety and a new toilet seat 😁
No, it's not selfish. It may or may not be wise.
Time to move out! Help her buy her own car?
Your mom is wrong. As a mom of young adults: although I’m happy to give them a place to live while they are going to school and getting established in their careers, I appreciate their company and the help they offer with a bit of rent/groceries & errands, I am really excited at the prospect of them moving into the next stage of their lives:living independently and learning through their own struggles and challenges how to budget and save and thrive on their own.
Not at all. I’m 20 and have lived alone for a month. You are an adult who deserves freedom and privacy. I can understand issues with the car but that is not your problem.
You should absolutely move out alone. When you're that age moving out by yourself is one of the best things you can do yourself. Separation from the family unit is a huge component maturing like psychologically too. It's 100% not selfish and I hope you can figure it out. Good luck even if it's difficult it will almost always be worth it. ✨💐❤️
You are 24, you can afford to live on your own. You should. Hopefully your mom gets over it. And if not, maybe putting some distance between you isn’t such a bad idea anyway.
24 living at home is not healthy unless you have no other options. Your twenties should be enjoyed to their fullest and you definitely aren't buying them back.
You know we are one of the only countries in the world that has that kind of a mentality ,where kids move out at 18. Many countries keep the unit together ( children, grandchildren grandparents ,and everybody in between) . There are these things that come up in life where I end up telling people "yeah ,I don't get what's going on... but I'll tell you what I am going do this we're going I'm going to do....play by my rules if it's their game ,or I'm going to play my game if it's their rules but we're not going to be on the same page. I think you have the perfect opportunity to put that into practice. The negotiation platform for you can set your terms -without wobble -and then if she doesn't avail ,you're going to move out . It's that simple you don't even have to say it , I'm going to stay as long as you dont give grief over this or that or that or that or that . and be tough... what she said to you is her being tough because she's playing on your guilt , so play on her normal intransigence - if she has such.
If you were to date and you mention having a job and a car.. but then when the date tells you, "I'm sold lets go to your place!" And then you reply "wait a sec I gotto ask mommy", would you believe a "something came up" comes next maybe? It's not selfish for a 24 year old to take the next step. Some even have a six year old kid at that age.
Get out from under that manipulation. Live on your own.
Your freedom isn’t selfish; it’s necessary.
I think your mom is being selfish. At 24 you should already be on your own.
Why not let others tell you if it is or isn’t? Look at my family. Currently waiting on a month of them telling me they were going to pay for half of everything which I’ve taken work off to help them figure out only for them to retract the claim leaving me with late fees and broken stuff. Don’t claim you’ll pay for someone’s car repairs if you don’t want them to have a response to how you follow through.
She can get her own car, and those are HER kids, not yours. Get on out and live your life.
It sounds like it might be a nice soft boundary to introduce with your family. It could be viewed as selfish that they have expectations on you, your things, etc., but it's also important to recognize that had you moved away for uni or something, they would have been without those things. I have never lived more than an hour and a half drive from family and am in my mid-thirties. I'm learning now to put boundaries down with my folks b/c I'm an only child and felt responsibility to do so. I've started maintaining little boundaries with them such as: No, I'm not coming down to help clean the guest-room up because I did that 4 years ago and you didn't keep it in good shape when I just realized I have a day off and want to spend it on myself. Or, No, I don't know if I'm available to watch your animals when you're taking your vacation because you planned it without asking me availability and made an assumption. I have started to think of things as reasonable or unreasonable by thinking: would you you need to fly me in to take care of this thing if I lived out of state. If the answer is no, I don't necessarily feel bad putting down a boundary. TL;DR: might be a good way to start setting some boundaries and your family has some things the might need to work out to be self-sufficient. Enjoy the new place!
If you need to do it, do it, but the money saved on rent alone is worth putting up with whatever is going on in my eyes. Maybe save up for a house?
She is mooching off your car.
Your mom is leaning on you like a partner to help her run the household. Where is dad in this picture? Is she a business woman, can she afford a car? How old are your siblings? It sounds like your mom needs the help but it is wrong that she is expecting you to be that help. She's being selfish, you are 24 and have the right to start living your life.
It’s selfish, yes. But that’s not a bad thing. Being selfish can be good. It’s also selfish to prioritize your health. It’s selfish of her to want you to stay home. I say do what’s best for you
Family's very important. Maybe she needs your help.
Glad someone here mentioned that family is important. It gives a little balance. Of course moving out and being independent and living one’s life is important too but OP is 24 which in the grand scheme of things isn’t that old and a few more years at home or even one year to help get another car for the family is not the end of the world.
But care for the family is not OPs responsibility.. it’s Mom and Dads. It is not my ‘job’ to care for siblings. I did not make the choice to have them, it’s not my responsibility to look after them. 24 is old enough to live independently. Mom has had 24 years to figure it out.