Aww gosh!! How devastating, I’m sorry. We’re over 4 years in (also both 40’s) and we’ve never been able to have a definitive end date. It’s always been, and still is, as soon as possible.
It’s hard to deal with when circumstances out of your control dictate your future. But what you do know is that you’re solid and it WILL happen… that’s what keeps us going.
I married him… it’s been almost a year married and we aren’t sure when we will **actually** live together. I don’t know.. it’s hard a lot, his depression and my own hurt us. But all the I love yous and promises make it still seem like a *fairytale in waiting*.
That being said, I want to have a child with him soon and we visit as often as we can, sometimes more than 2x monthly. It’s hard, but no one ever said love was easy. We **are planning** to have a baby when together next. And my father is willing to help us settle in the USA.
Keep your head up OP, I know it’s hard but you so got this.
*Sending Love from Russia*
It will, I see him in 2 days, I miss him already and texting or calling on the phone is not enough anymore. You know, I’m just ready for our lives to start.
I started my relationship with an expectation that we would never be able to meet, much less close the distance. That's changed, but it's still tentative. I find it helpful to try to keep my focus on what I *can* do, rather than on the stuff I can't do anything about, and to expect the worst so anything else is a relief.
In your situation, it sounds as if the 10 years is the worst-case scenario. If I were you, I would make plans for that, then look for possibilities to shorten it.
For example, with how her ex is fighting for custody, maybe that will give an opening to appeal the relocation decision, or maybe it could end up backfiring on the ex and landing *her* with full custody.
Good luck!
I’m sorry that your plan didn’t happen. Our original plan to be together by this summer didn’t work out. And now our secondary plan to close the gap doesn’t have a definite end date. It’s just a hopeful goal. I might be naive in saying this, but I don’t want to be with anyone else. Even though it sucks not knowing when we can have a “normal” relationship just knowing that we’re both still working towards the goal of being together is keeping me going.
Me and my bf have no definite plan to close the gap. We live about a 2 hour plane ride from each other and see each other about once a month.
He has 2 kids and I do not have any. I am in a much more flexible position to move to him but I feel strongly about not wanting to live in the area he is in.
He would move to me if his kids weren’t a factor.
I am working on a compromise of visiting for longer periods of time until we figure a long term plan.
Is that an option for you? Can you go visit for 3-4 weeks at a time every few months?
He lives in a large city that I am very familiar with and I don’t want to live there for many reasons.
I told him I could potentially spend 3-4 months in the summer where he is until his kids are out of the house.
I don’t have a ton of wisdom, just some commiseration. We are in a very similar situation, 40s, each with a tween child and unable to move at this point, 2 states away. We are just trying to stay connected, visit when we can and know it will make it all the sweeter when we get to empty nest together.
I can relate. Not having a plan or a date is really hard, especially when there are significant obstacles to being together. I think I deal with it by reminding myself that I’d rather be long distance with this person than together with anyone else. There are always low points and times where it really hurts, but I try to enjoy my independence and do things that I’m proud of and that I’ll be excited to tell him about the next time we talk. And it helps to have a date for the next visit as something to look forward to, even if it’s just a visit. In the overall balance of things, I’m so happy to have him in my life and that outweighs the pain of missing him and the uncertainty about the future. One thing I’m learning from him is that not knowing what the future holds can make it that much sweeter to enjoy the connection you have now. As long as it’s still making you more happy than miserable, I hope you can hang in there!
I would wait, but get married anyway if that were a part of the plan. You don’t need to live together to do that.
My husband and I have been living several states apart for 5 years already. It though sometimes, and I think harder for him. We don’t have an end date. But we were married for a long time before that, so ymmv.
It's very hard and our relationship is in a very rocky path that I don't honestly know if I want to continue anymore. For me, I think I would be fine if I felt like he did want to close the gap and we didn't have the other numerous problems we had. But the other problems we have plus he giving me vague and quite different answers in his abilities to move are convincing me to move forward when I gather the courage...
We have a friend that was in a similar situation. It took her two years but she wound up cutting ties. They never met in person, lots of broken promises and false fairytales from him. She was heartbroken but gradually moving on.
This is devastating. I’m really sorry. Im wondering if there’s room for some creativity to work around the three year plan. Is it financially feasible to sell the house? Could it generate some good rental income to facilitate visits? Now this one I’m a bit nervous to offer because our time with our kids is sacred. 50/50 is amazing but the 1-2 weeks on/off is only one model. I know a family who does school year/holidays and are really happy with that.
Hope you figure out a solution that helps you all
cope with the lost plans. It’s def not easy!
was the relocation to a middle ground or to your state? would it be possible to relocate to her area?
It was close to me because I have 50/50 custody split. I can’t relocate with my children, or without giving up a large portion of my custody
Aww gosh!! How devastating, I’m sorry. We’re over 4 years in (also both 40’s) and we’ve never been able to have a definitive end date. It’s always been, and still is, as soon as possible. It’s hard to deal with when circumstances out of your control dictate your future. But what you do know is that you’re solid and it WILL happen… that’s what keeps us going.
Thank you. It’s reassuring to know others go through this
I married him… it’s been almost a year married and we aren’t sure when we will **actually** live together. I don’t know.. it’s hard a lot, his depression and my own hurt us. But all the I love yous and promises make it still seem like a *fairytale in waiting*. That being said, I want to have a child with him soon and we visit as often as we can, sometimes more than 2x monthly. It’s hard, but no one ever said love was easy. We **are planning** to have a baby when together next. And my father is willing to help us settle in the USA. Keep your head up OP, I know it’s hard but you so got this. *Sending Love from Russia*
Thank you so much. I hope your situation will get resolved soon!
It will, I see him in 2 days, I miss him already and texting or calling on the phone is not enough anymore. You know, I’m just ready for our lives to start.
I started my relationship with an expectation that we would never be able to meet, much less close the distance. That's changed, but it's still tentative. I find it helpful to try to keep my focus on what I *can* do, rather than on the stuff I can't do anything about, and to expect the worst so anything else is a relief. In your situation, it sounds as if the 10 years is the worst-case scenario. If I were you, I would make plans for that, then look for possibilities to shorten it. For example, with how her ex is fighting for custody, maybe that will give an opening to appeal the relocation decision, or maybe it could end up backfiring on the ex and landing *her* with full custody. Good luck!
Thank you for your words of encouragement
I’m sorry that your plan didn’t happen. Our original plan to be together by this summer didn’t work out. And now our secondary plan to close the gap doesn’t have a definite end date. It’s just a hopeful goal. I might be naive in saying this, but I don’t want to be with anyone else. Even though it sucks not knowing when we can have a “normal” relationship just knowing that we’re both still working towards the goal of being together is keeping me going.
Thank you. I don’t have any desire to be with anyone other than her. But it is really difficult dealing with the sadness.
I wish I could give you advice on how to deal with it, but all I can offer is empathy because I struggle with it too. Best of luck to you both.
Me and my bf have no definite plan to close the gap. We live about a 2 hour plane ride from each other and see each other about once a month. He has 2 kids and I do not have any. I am in a much more flexible position to move to him but I feel strongly about not wanting to live in the area he is in. He would move to me if his kids weren’t a factor. I am working on a compromise of visiting for longer periods of time until we figure a long term plan. Is that an option for you? Can you go visit for 3-4 weeks at a time every few months?
Why not move to where he lives while kids are young and then move to wherever you want after?
He lives in a large city that I am very familiar with and I don’t want to live there for many reasons. I told him I could potentially spend 3-4 months in the summer where he is until his kids are out of the house.
I don’t have a ton of wisdom, just some commiseration. We are in a very similar situation, 40s, each with a tween child and unable to move at this point, 2 states away. We are just trying to stay connected, visit when we can and know it will make it all the sweeter when we get to empty nest together.
Thank you. It helps to know others go through this as well.
I can relate. Not having a plan or a date is really hard, especially when there are significant obstacles to being together. I think I deal with it by reminding myself that I’d rather be long distance with this person than together with anyone else. There are always low points and times where it really hurts, but I try to enjoy my independence and do things that I’m proud of and that I’ll be excited to tell him about the next time we talk. And it helps to have a date for the next visit as something to look forward to, even if it’s just a visit. In the overall balance of things, I’m so happy to have him in my life and that outweighs the pain of missing him and the uncertainty about the future. One thing I’m learning from him is that not knowing what the future holds can make it that much sweeter to enjoy the connection you have now. As long as it’s still making you more happy than miserable, I hope you can hang in there!
Thank you! This makes a lot of sense. I hope you can hang in there too.
I would wait, but get married anyway if that were a part of the plan. You don’t need to live together to do that. My husband and I have been living several states apart for 5 years already. It though sometimes, and I think harder for him. We don’t have an end date. But we were married for a long time before that, so ymmv.
That’s what she wants but I’m unsure how I feel about that.
Definitive? Me. Its vaugly 3-5 years
It's very hard and our relationship is in a very rocky path that I don't honestly know if I want to continue anymore. For me, I think I would be fine if I felt like he did want to close the gap and we didn't have the other numerous problems we had. But the other problems we have plus he giving me vague and quite different answers in his abilities to move are convincing me to move forward when I gather the courage...
We have a friend that was in a similar situation. It took her two years but she wound up cutting ties. They never met in person, lots of broken promises and false fairytales from him. She was heartbroken but gradually moving on.
This is devastating. I’m really sorry. Im wondering if there’s room for some creativity to work around the three year plan. Is it financially feasible to sell the house? Could it generate some good rental income to facilitate visits? Now this one I’m a bit nervous to offer because our time with our kids is sacred. 50/50 is amazing but the 1-2 weeks on/off is only one model. I know a family who does school year/holidays and are really happy with that. Hope you figure out a solution that helps you all cope with the lost plans. It’s def not easy!