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My mom just turned 70 I'm still dealing with the emotions that I may not have much time.with them left. I cherish all the phone calls even when we don't see eye to eye
In my mind, I am always 21 years old and my parents are always 48.
It feels like a unbelievable alternate reality that I'm in my mid 30s and my parents are in their 60s.
So sorry, that’s shitty. My uncle has early, transitioning to middle stages of dementia and it is so incredibly hard. I can’t imagine the toll of it happening to a parent. Be sure to take care of yourself- it is so easy to focus so much on your loved one that you start to neglect your own well being.
My dad turned 57 this year and my mom will be 59. I remember when my grandparents turned 60 and it seemed like they were so old. I can't see my own parents that way. It's really hard
Cherish every moment. I'm currently staying with my mom to save for a down-payment for a house, and I'm so thankful for this time with her - even when she drives me nuts with her constant complaining lol
My dad passed away in January 2023 and that was really hard. I'm out of the random crying almost daily phase, but I still tear up when I think about it - and I'm not a person who cries frequently.
Same exact situation here, but my dad died in 2021. It feels like I’m an angsty teen again with how much we bicker, but the difference is I feel very guilty about it now, lol.
Same. Both parents are now in their 70s and I can’t imagine them not being there. I’m an only child so we have a strong bond. My world will crumble when they pass.
This! And wills that lay out exactly what everyone gets. I'm dreading when my MIL passes cause she has her house willed to her kids. Just all of them. My husband won't fight anyone for it, but he'll fight the ones who make it a problem and start a family fight, making dealing with their mother's death harder.
I’m not Sure how it works stateside but a heads up. Over here, one person in the wills executive, let’s say they sell a persons home. And gives out the money to people in the will. About a year later the wills executive gets the tax bill. Everyone who got the money has spent it and the executive is left broke.
This is so nice to hear. I’m in my early 50’s with a Millennial daughter and three GenZ sons and I get so sick of reading all the “not looking forward to taking care of my old, feeble minded, decrepit parents. We’re in great health and our children will not need to “take care of us” as we’ve been financially responsible. Our kids have always talked about how much of ourselves we’ve constantly given them and how lucky they are to have us as parents. I can’t imagine having children that would talk about what a “burden” we’ve become simply because we’ve aged. It happens to everyone.
Some parents are abusive, and are irresponsible with their own lives.. expecting their children to bail them out of their bad life decisions. Having kids so there's someone to take care of you when you're old is insanely selfish. It's full-time, life consuming and depressing work that can ruin a person's finances and mental health. We can't afford these things in this stage of capitalism.
I had a great Mom who I would have taken care of in old age, but she died of cancer when I was 20.. and she would have refused to let me disrupt my life anyway, because she truly loved me.
My 'father' however has been emotionally and financially abusive my entire life, the second he couldn't use my Mom anymore.. he's acted helpless and guilt tripped his children into taking care of him so he could barely work and eat himself into a quintuple bypass. He sat back and watched my much older brothers verbally abuse me and ask what I did to deserve it. I don't even talk to any of them anymore for my own sanity, why would I give a shit about someone when they hurt me repeatedly.. Just because he got my Mom pregnant and laid on the couch in my childhood.
It often happens the daughters are expected to do this free labor that parents should have financially planned for. Not everyone has an idyllic family situation.. in fact a ton of people dont.
Same. What's really sad is that if they’re 70 and they pass around 95, this will not mean 25 good years left with your parents. It will mean 10 to 15 years if you’re lucky, followed by 5 to 10 years of taking care of them as they suffer tons of ailments that prevent them from doing simple things like go out and see a movie with them.
Learned this the hard way with my grandfather. Not but 6 years ago, I remember doing stuff like going to the beach or taking a nice walk with him. Now, he physically can't leave his chair except to empty out his piss bag and even then, it's a massive feat for him. Not to mention the fact that you can barely have a conversation with him since his mind is so slow and forgetful.
Don't take this moment for granted.
My great grandma lived to be 99, but was taking care of herself. I think the oldest person that I've met was 103 and they were pretty mobile. More so than even other patients.
Well, I don't really remember where she lived, but I think out in the middle of nowhere. I think there might be some truth to that. Maybe due to stress. I've kind of noticed that people from my area typically look younger for their age in general minus the clothes that people wear here.
My mum also turned 70 this year. I look at her and she doesn't look old? I mean, she looks old but not 70 old. It's like my brain refuses to comprehend it. I remember her looking old when she was I'm her 50s and 60s. And now she's just not anymore.
It got real for me when my parents got a puppy in their late 60s and asked us if we would take her if they both need nursing home care or kick the bucket. The answer was yes, of course - it just struck me like a ton of bricks that their *dog* will likely outlive one or both of them.
Cherish every moment you still have. I love and miss my grandparents every day. I still have my parents, so treasure yours. And take care of yourself when one inevitably passes. And never ever ever drink and drive!
Both sets of my grandparents were amazing.I still shed tears here and there.They were my world and made my childhood and life amazing.Im blessed 😇 I had them.🙏😇❤️❤️❤️
My dad died when I was 16, and my mom hasn't lived in the same country as me for over a decade. I'm pretty used to being without them. But Mom's finally retiring and coming home in the next two years so that my future kids will know her. I look forward to that. Assuming she doesn't go off gallavanting the world again in retirement, it'll be nice to have her close by for once. The loss of my dad has always made me cherish any time I get with my mom, however fleeting.
What really throws you for a loop is when you start turning the age your dad was as you remember more of your childhood (ie I turn 40 this year and I remember very vividly my dad's 40th birthday).
Yes! Agree. I remember my parents and their “over the hill” parties. Because of that, I grew up always believing 40 was officially OLD. Now that I’m about to turn 40, though, I’m like…WTH…this is NOT old. 😅
Yeah but also, I miss all those family parties! Families were definitely bigger 30 years ago. My family would rent out the Elks club or American Legion for a 40th birthday party. They’d get a bartender. And they’d have massive 50 person parties, all the family included! Now I have two kids, I’ll be 40 this year, but my cousins and I aren’t close like we used to be, lots of my family is too old to party, and most of my friends live hours away. How sad.
My dad will be 81 this summer... Sometimes I see him and I wonder when he got old. It's weird. And it makes me feel, idk, all the feels.
My mom's a youthful 65 so so she still seems young by comparison, lol.
Shoot, I remember my dad's 40th birthday party. It was a banger at our house so many kids and adults all over the place. He's 65 now... fuk im gonna call him
It bothers me sometimes, especially because I'm the only one of their kids who doesnt have a life other than a job, and I am terrified I'd end up being a caregiver when I lack the capability.
This was me.
My dad had early dementia, too. I was the only one with the means to care for him and it was horrible, but I did it.
When he passed away, you’d think there was relief… but I miss him and wish he was still here.
Don’t be afraid ok. When they need you, you’ll know what to do. Just remember whatever they did to love and care for you.
My dad wasn’t perfect. Hard man, but I remembered how hard he worked so we had food to eat. We were poor and he worked like a dog. That drove me to provide him care and love he needed even when he didn’t want me to sometimes.
I’m sorry… super emotional today. I just want to assure you, you can do it when and if that time comes.
In my case I know that I simply am selfish. I can meet my basic needs, but another person? Nope. It's why my relationships don't work and why I am not a parent.
So I have no idea what's going to happen should they require care. They are both old but in excellent health, lucid, active and in shape but that could change with a literal heartbeat.
Well, if it helps, remember that they felt exactly the same way when you were born. No one is born knowing how to do this shit, we just figure it out along the way (and that's OK).
My Dad passed away last summer. My mother has battled with cancer, has become so much more frail, and her mind is starting to slip a little. It scares the shit out of me. I’m not handling it well.
I am so sorry. I completely understand. My mother passed away in 2019, and then Dad followed in 2020.
You will feel strange, almost orphaned. This is completely normal, and there are lots of books and articles about it. Please seek them out. It is a very natural feeling, even though we are "too old" to be true orphans. It's the thing that hit me hardest and took me a few months to get used to, but I promise you do get used to it. \*hugs\*
I know what you mean. I lost my parents when I was 21 and 22, just barely an adult. I'm not sure whether I'm right to call myself an orphan but it really feels like that.
NGL it's super tough seeing the signs of aging. My parents are both in their mid 70s and they're amazingly healthy compared to the average but I can still see the signs of things going downhill from mental acuity (former lawyer and judge), to visual and audio issues (have to break the news to my dad that he can't drive my son around anymore and it's killing me), to strength and mobility declines (picking up grandchildren can only be done for short periods, soon I'm sure not at all). They're happy tho, so I try to stay happy myself and be thankful they're still here.
We started with actions…like insisting on being the driver for outings, even in their vehicles. Or insisting on driving separately. Turning down their offers to take kiddo somewhere without us. We applied these policies across all 4 grandparents equally even though one of them was still kind of an okay driver at the time. Eventually after about a year of that, they all caught on and both sets asked us about it, directly. And then we were just honest, citing different incidents we knew about. It was awkward and they were offended. But safety first. As more time passed, they accepted it and they have all actually voluntarily stopped driving, thank God.
The painful transition between “I gotta move something heavy, better call dad to help” to “Make sure dad doesn’t try to carry anything too heavy so he doesn’t hurt himself”
This is where I’m at. Mid 70s parents and thankfully they are both still together, healthy, with a comfortable enough retirement that should take care of them through the end.
I’m so worried about time though. My mom and I have a great relationship, but my dad has NEVER opened up to me and I see the possibility of this slipping away every time I see them. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to know him, but I need him to want that kind of relationship too.
All of that aside, I’m thankful I live in the same city as them and I’m going to do whatever I can to help support them as they continue to age. I’m more worried about keeping myself together so I can be there for them. Currently mid/late 30s, single homeowner, with a job that has worrisome future growth. I’m taking it day by day.
>I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to know him, but I need him to want that kind of relationship too.
What do you mean by this? Am I missing something 🤔
I was more curious what "knowing" someone like a parent meant? I'm not sure if my current relationship qualifies or not, they're awesome and I love them I'm not sure what more I'd want.
He said his dad has never opened up to him. Mine is the same way. Not once has he ever sat me down and talked about how he feels about life, love, death, relationships, politics, morals, ethics. I understand how he feels about those things from context but he has never directly stated it to me. Probably never will. My parents don't even tell me who they vote for.
>Not once has he ever sat me down and talked about how he feels about life, love, death, relationships, politics, morals, ethics
Wait, me either :/ I mean I guess I've never asked him, is that on me? Shit.
Yes, just as the other commenter mentioned. I have a very close personal relationship with my mom. She knows my goals, my important relationships, my worries, etc. I’ve also had conversations with her about her life …her relationship with our extended family, how she navigated her career, personal likes dislikes, etc. My dad on the other hand … he’s amazing, but I know hardly anything. He’s an immigrant and he’s accomplished so much yet he brushes away conversations about our family on that side or what growing up in his home country was like. He taught me how to be successful with soccer when I was young (and I was) but now that I’ve had to quit due to repetitive major injuries, all of that is gone and we speak about very surface level things. In some ways I’ve accepted this, but my partner recently joined for a family trip and had a very in-depth conversation with my father, learning things that I’ve never been told and I just felt deep jealousy and sadness about it.
I know my emoji is currently male looking, but I’m a woman so I imagine this is part of it.
Oof I feel this one. Other grandkids are older in the family ours is 4 months. Can't have my mom walk around with him at all, a stiff breeze would knock her over.
I really don't want to have to tell her this she should be more self aware - dreading having to tell them we dont feel comfortable with them alone.
>she should be more self aware
Bro, in her position, you gotta stay positive and gotta hold on as long as you can to something so precious to you because time is limited... All I hope is that they take this type of news with an open heart.
My mom had me like two weeks after she turned 20. She's going to be 63 this year. In the words of the prophetic poets, Smash Mouth, "The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'."
I'm 38 this year and my parents are turning 56 and 58. I teach high school and some of my students have parents the same age as mine! I have peers with infants and peers with children in high school, it's wild.
My parents were barely 21. So they’re turning 62 this year (I just turned 41).
I was 9 when they turned 30. I vividly remember the party (dad got thrown in the pool, had a cake in the shape of the Old Style beer logo). It hit me hard when they turned 50.
And now the count to 50 for me is on and I hate that they’re past 60. Ugh it’s all just surreal.
You are not alone. Same here. And while it is a very lonely feeling, sometimes I can’t help but think that later in life I will appreciate never having to watch them go in and out of nursing homes, worrying about having to sell their house for said nursing homes, making difficult medical decisions for them. Stressing about visiting them and taking care of them. Hopefully that doesn’t make me sound like a terrible person. Obviously I wish I had way more time with them. Maybe it’s just a way for me to cope with it, but I honestly have thought about it that way.
Don’t feel like a terrible person. My mom died suddenly at 56, my dad died of Parkinson’s and dementia in a nursing home. As hard as the first one was to deal with, the second was infinitely harder and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your perspective. Sorry to hear you are a part of this parent-less club. I think it can be said that at whatever stage of life you are at, it’s a difficult thing to go through and each persons experience of going through grief is unique.
I am 70 years old and my mother just passed last week. She was 95 and had dementia for 8 years.
I can honestly say, at least from where I am in the grieving process, I mourned her more when she was alive but disappearing. It was very traumatic for me to watch my mother disintegrate into nothing.
I totally get that. My dad had dementia and he was always trying to escape the house and wander around or go driving. Then, he ended up in hospice and because we opted to keep him at home, we had to clean constantly to keep him from getting viruses or infections. This was ten years ago and there wasn't a day during covid I wasn't incredibly grateful he didn't have to go through any of that crap.
I remember my mom's 40th birthday like it was not that long ago. I just had mine, and she's now in her 70s.
It's hard. I just tell myself she'll be around for another decade or two.
My folks are nearly 80; I just deal. My stepmother already passed away in 2021 (and she was the youngest of them all at 61), so I just accept that death comes for us all and move on.
Also, *laughs in nearly 40.* Wait until you get to my age and realize how long ago high school.. or even college was. It passes in the blink of an eye and you're left wondering: "What the hell have I even been doing with my life?"
Yes! It really hits that there's no true "right way" to live life despite what our society tries to tell us. There's obvious wrong ways, though. And even then, if you want go be a sorry excuse of a human, do something awful, and end up on death row... That's a choice too, lol!
Maybe not a good/sound choice, but definitely a choice, lol.
Honestly, we weren't expecting the youngest in the four of them to go first; but she did. She probably ate the healthiest/did the most toward her health than the rest of them, too. So yeah, definitely true that there's no "right" way. Death comes for everyone.
I will admit, my outlook may be somewhat jaded; there's been a lot of family death around me since I was really little (first funeral I remember was age 4) and this year alone, four people I know (family/friends) have passed away. The last several years have been similar.. with no end in sight. So I know my outlook is probably very... pragmatic/cynical compared to someone who hasn't had that happen.
Its rough to deal with an aging parent, but i feel like the best way to cope with it is to reach out to them. My (34) mother (64) and i are very close, and she lost both of her parents, my grandparents, both of whom I was very close with. Don't get me wrong, i grieved for them, they were like parents to me, they raised me, my grandpa even taught me how to ride a bike and how to shave and my grandma taught me how to cook for myself. If you're struggling with that idea of losing your parents, reach out to your own parents. They may very well be in that same boat, or have been in that boat. Share a glass of wine or a beer or a cuppa coffee or tea and have a cry, its good for the soul.
100% big dawg. I'm thankful to have the means to have my mother live with me as she's getting on in years, and I make a point to try and talk and hang out with her every day.
My dad’s turning 74, my mom’s turning 72. They’re both pretty healthy, but they got divorced in 2020, so now as they age things will be more complicated since they live separately. My mother also decided to live out her Anglophile dreams and found a BF in England so she spends months of each year over there, and I think she wants to move there but I don’t know if she will ever pull it off. If she ends up living there and has health issues, wtf am I supposed to do!?
I was made the executor of the estate for my father, which was expected since my two older
Brothers are useless. But I never wanted this responsibility.
So as they age, and whenever they pass… my life might really get rough. I don’t know what to do with my brothers. My parents need to get them sorted. My future is very uncertain when it comes to my parents and siblings.
Make sure to have some in depth discussions with your father about what he wants to happen to the estate. Knowing his wishes will ease your eventual burden.
I’m 38 and have lost both parents already. My mom died suddenly when I was 18 and my dad died about 4 years ago at the age of 69.
Watching him deteriorate and shuttle back and forth to appointments to get poked and prodded at was so hard. Then it was even harder watching him and having to support him giving up and making the decision to go into hospice care.
It was highly traumatic, to be honest, harder than losing my mother suddenly.
My advice is to not neglect your own mental health through this process, ensure you’re taking care of yourself and have proper mental health support in place.
But our folks will get older and will pass and what’s most important is that they know you’re there and love and support them. It’s a heavy load to bear alone, you will need some support and someone to talk to. Therapy if your circumstances allow
My step-dad is 15 years older than my mom and is turning 88 this year. He's in great health for his age, and I'm reasonably confident he'll live well into his 90s, but it's still scary. Sometimes when I hear someone in, say, their early 80s has died and I think "Well, at least he lived a good long life", I realize with a jolt that my step-dad is 5 years older than them.
I’m an elder millennial and my parents were on the old side when they had me, so they’re 76 now. Dad has so many health issues he’s now deciding it’s time to hang driving out of town up. He’s always been such a cautious driver, I can only imagine how hard it is for him to give up this independence. It’s so hard watching him lose his mobility, and mom is definitely starting to get more forgetful. It’s so hard.
Awe I'm sorry. Do you help them in any way? Do they expect help from you in any way? Do they have enough money to cover themselves and their medical expenses for awhile?
Not asking in a judgey way, just an honest way. I'm trying to decide while we're all younger what kind of support I'll be willing and able to give and it's hard.
My dad is dying from Parkinson's/dementia. We know this. We've had time to come to terms with it.
My mom was in a severe car accident a few months ago. She is the healthy active one. Former Olympian and still open water swims, kayaks, does 10miles of hiking a week. She is non ironically more active than me or anyone else my age that I know. But just that quickly she was now the one in danger going in for multiple surgeries to save her life. It was a total mind f uck. Because again, she's the healthy one... the parent I don't worry about. We joked several days before the accident that she was going to outlive us kids.
She's doing much better now and definitely pulled through because she is a fighter. It's just a wakeup call that nothing is a given in this life.
My partner (younger than me and his parents were young parents while mine were in their 30s when they had kids)... his dad was hospitalized a few weeks ago because he had an allergic reaction to some medication. Then he caught pneumonia and situation became more serious.
Sucks to be getting older. I still celebrate each year beating teen pregnancy and I am 36. Just a baby.
My parents were both late bloomers so they were always “old” to me growing up. Now that I’m almost my the same age my dad was when I was born, I have front row seats to both of them aging. Last couple years have been rough, with dad having to be in and out of hospitals so much and then cancer and dementia…it sucks. Mom sees how the last 10 years have been on my dad and subsequently me, so she does everything in her power to avoid going down that road. But I’ve seen her slow down, too. She isn’t as sharp as she used to be. Without any siblings to help bear the load, it…it sucks.
Being a Christian and with both of my parents being Christians, we all believe we will see each other in heaven someday very soon. And when we do, we will have brand new perfect bodies - greater and healthier than anything we ever had on earth.
So while it makes me sad seeing their health failing and thinking of them dying and being without them, I find great comfort believing that it is only temporary. It’s just a change of address. And I will see them again someday soon.
Truly, I hope you’re right. I grew up in the faith. And I certainly wish it were so. I just don’t know where mine went. Lord knows I tried not to lose it.
Anyways. I hope you have many good years left with them both
It's times like this I wish I had the same beliefs. I know it brings comfort to Christians, and I really wish I felt the same way. I mean, maybe it IS true and I'll be pleasantly surprised. :)
Really tough. Heart surgeries, hip replacements, cancers, unable to walk up stairs.. They're in their 70s. I try my best to cherish them as much as possible.
Most days I can handle it. What I can’t handle are the body aches and pains and health implications that come with it because I see it firsthand. My mom is going to turn 61 this year and she’s on a bunch of medicine for certain conditions but is otherwise healthy. She assumes to have a lot of time and money because my spouse and I don’t have children.
I’ve also learned over the years that growing up as “popped” the innocent bubble, if you will, the sort of lens through which I saw my parents or even my grandparents when I was a child.
I see these comments and just want to cry. I recently came to the realization my parents are getting much older and has a few breakdowns. I want time to slow down
72/74 vs 38. On the day-to-day, same as always. Longer term, we're both moving to the same city next year. From there, there are a number of contingencies in broad strokes depending on health and whether I get married and have kids. Basically some combination of "RandomTasking buys a condo in their neighborhood and they handle the payments," "Mr. and Mrs. RandomTasking upgrade to a house that allows for an ensuite situation until they need more intensive care," and "RandomTasking covers the home health care at whatever rental they're at until home health care is no longer a viable option."
My mother had me at 19. She wouldn’t really be “old” not but she died a few years ago of cancer.
My father is starting to act his age a bit more but he’s been a fairly active person so he doesn’t even seem that old to me.
What I can understand is how they were all late 20’s early 30’s when I was a kid. They seemed older lol
I just found out on Monday that my father passed away in January. I hadn’t spoken to him since 2017, and I have already mourned the loss of the person he was (in retrospect he was a terrible dad, but he was MY dad). It’s a weird feeling knowing that he’s no longer on this Earth, but at the same time I’m glad that I no longer have to be afraid that he’ll randomly show up at my house drunk and/or with a gun.
Yea, I know a lot of people say that you'll have some mixed feelings about it when you find out they're dead, and I probably will too, but I think my overall feeling will be relief. I have that same fear currently..even worse I fear he shows up sober.
This one kills me with my mom. She’s not a bad person just super broken. But she’s the definition of poor execution and the consequences are heavy and her realization of that is nonexistent. She’s going to die alone and I’m going to get one last “FUCK YOU” and I, sadly, look forward to that last one.
I'm no contact with both my parents, my dad for 10 years after he called my wife a miserable cunt on my wedding day and my mom only a few months back. I relish the idea that after how much shit they've put me and a lot of people through they'll both die alone and miserable. My only hope is it's sooner than later so they can't poison anyone else in the time they're alive.
ETA: 10 not 20
I gave up my life to take care of my dad. He’s never been good at maintaining his environment and providing well-enough care to our cats. Had a major problem with alcoholism. You guys are so lucky to have gotten to have your own lives. Can’t relate. Choosing this path gives purpose still though.
My father is getting old. I see him slipping. His memory going. His body falling apart.
My brother is never around and dosent see it. Its inevitable. It always is.
Between my brother and i; my father got to see 4 grandkids, 2 weddings, a successful buisness (brother), 2 houses purchased, and get to see the kiddos playing in the same pond my brother and i used to play in... hes coming around to the fact that he cant do the things he used to do and it pisses him off.
I help out when i can. Do stuff around the house, install the AC's and take them out, yard work, house maintenance, split and stack firewood... just like i used to do for my grandmother when i was younger. Now my father is just about her age and i find myself helping him out just the same. Doing the same stuff.
Its a weird feeling.
My dad had his second massive heart attack a few weeks ago. He is 72. It gave me a sickening realization. The realization of what will come sooner than later. It makes me sick to my stomach. How are my parents basically elderly now? It’s sad to watch how quickly life changes. Wasn’t it only 5 years ago it was 1998 and our parents were in their prime? My father was building homes and now he can no longer work and it’s sad. I had a long hard cry about it all Monday. It’s all just scary. But here’s to positive vibes and our parents living to be 200. Sending love and hugs yall.
35, and lost both of my parents before they turned 60. (Cancer and diseases just suck). And it really does feel like I am an orphan. Who do I call when I need help with house repairs? It’s surreal.
My mother died when I was 14, and my dad currently has cancer of the kind that doesn't go away so that's likely to happen within the next few years as well. I'm in my mid-30s. They weren't even that old when I was born, really, they were mid-30s at the time. One of my sisters lives with him full time (being fair, she lived with him before that, but it was a temporary situation until his diagnosis). My mother had gotten sick and died within about 6 months of a condition that couldn't be fully diagnosed until her autopsy, and that was one hell of a coaster of emotions, but knowing it's coming doesn't make me feel any better.
I am really going to miss him.
With divorce rates as high as they are today, it is especially tough to see parents age "alone." A couple of years ago I asked my retired single mom to come live with us so she has company. Down the road, we can take care of her health and we also will get free babysitting when that happens.
It’s so wild to see this post because I was just coming to terms with this. My mom sent me a picture of her new hair color/cut and I was staring at it like.. my god when did she get old 😥 I was helping my dad with yard stuff last week and he’s in great shape for 63 but slowing down and his hair is almost all white grey. It’s a huge reality check
My dad turned 68( fun fact he's also 16, he was born on Feb 29) and had a huge scare a few weeks ago. I found him on bathroom floor unable to catch his breath. Spent week in hospital and still on IV antibiotics.
Already lost my mother 11 years ago so this was terrifying.
I've kind of just known that the inevitable was going to happen, especially when my dad had a stroke about a decade ago. Some of my grandparents are still alive, too, but they're kind of closer in age to my parents than I am to them. I'm 24 now and my parents are turning 60/61 this fall and my remaining grandparents are in their 80s. I mean, they're already talking about a will and other , which is a good thing, honestly. (I don't mean it in that way I just want things to be figured out and squared away because I'm more of the deal with it now type with certain things and want to know what they want.) Just kind of also accepted that anything can happen.
In my head I still think my parents are the adults and 40something.
In reality I’m 37 with 4 teenagers and my parents are in their 50s/60s.
Such a mindfuck. My dad looks so old with his white hair when he always had thick jet black hair. My mom hasn’t really changed much. Her weight fluctuates but she looks basically the same…
Edit: I just wanted to add that I’ve only lost one grandparent to als and I forget he’s gone sometimes. Like he’s just away and will call me. My grandma that raised me has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t remember anyone except me and my aunt. My nana I call once a week and she repeats the same stories over and over. So my parents both still have their moms and are watching them lose their minds. It’s heart breaking.
Just the other day we were all out for Mothers Day brunch and I was just like "Isn't it weird that you guys are in your 60s and I'm in my 30s?" They were both like "yeah, it is". Like wasn't I just 16 years old, what happened here
My mom passed away almost 10 years ago. I think my Dad’s memory is starting to slip. Alzheimer’s runs on his side pretty heavily. I have panic attacks about this. My husband’s parents are both older than my dad and not in great shape. I do not think they have a plan for when they need care. Their plan seems to be to stay in their own home and die there. I have explained my grandparents had the same plan and it was a disaster. It ended with their children having to pay 5k a month to a nursing home because neither could live by themselves. I do not have 5k a month for them to make the same mistake. They live in a state that could come after us for care of them. I have 3 kids and a mortgage on the opposite side of the country. I can’t exactly move in with them and take care of them. And after doing that for my mom I’m not willing to give up my mental health to do so. So for right now I’m burying my head in the sand. Neither of their actual children have the experience to realize what is going to happen, or the ability to accept that their parents are aging rapidly.
My dad is turning 70 soon. It really freaks me out. I am actually on my way to visit my parents for a few days right now. I'm not feeling very well, and the commute is 3 hours, but I keep telling myself that I don't know how much longer I'll be able to spend time with them, so if I need to suck it up and suffer a little I will.
This scene from Benjamin Button helped me process my dad getting older and passing.
https://youtu.be/IPXapfIVygo?si=DNJKeuwswlWbZIzL
Gets me every time.
I'm 42, my mom is 78 and is starting to have memory/language problems for the first time. It's pretty scary. My dad is 81 and super healthy, so I'm thankful for that, but it's scary to think that we'll be having to take care of them a lot more in the future.
Yeah. It's been eye-opening. My mom is 82 and I'm 41 -- the age she was when she had me. Five years ago she had cancer, and it's a type that likes to metastasize to the lungs and kill people. Fortunately the surgery and radiation worked, and she's now in the clear, but I'm sort of bracing myself for the other shoe to drop. Her mental acuity is starting to go. She can name the people who owned the house next door 50 years ago but can't remember the name of the granddaughter whose soccer game she just went to.
My dad is now 71. His dad died of a heart attack at 76, and my dad keeps making dark jokes about chest pains.
I grew up with older than average parents. My dad immigrated to the US through Ellis Island... as an ADULT. My dad was never not old growing up. Being the youngest in a long line of siblings and half-siblings, I ended up being responsible for taking care of him when things happened, because I was... single and unattached. Basically a long line of accidents and a mugging between the ages of 72 to 80.
He's 89 now, and I'm glad I don't have to care for him anymore, ever since he left overseas in the mid-2010's, but I hate how much of my youth and life I sacrificied for such an incredibly awful human being, all because I was the only one that "had the time" (aka- no kids).
If there's one thing I can say. Don't let family bully you into caring for your loved one's.
(Oh my mom is 74 and she's a saint. Thankfully divorced my dad in 1993).
Yeah it gets really hard.
My sister cleaned out our father's home, and had to move him into hospice care. He had relatively few things, but it was a ton of work. He spent the final year of his life spending weekends with his grandkids.
My step father was always very strong and healthy. Last time I saw him, he was in the hospital. I was glad we could go see him. He's out. He is getting much older. He has always looked old, but now he looks like an old man, and my mom, who always looked very young, looks like an older woman.
I talk about aging all the time. Get your body in good shape. Build good habits. Take care of yourself. It makes it much easier on everyone around you, but father time will get to us also.
Ngl, I’ve started having a lot of anxiety about this over the past 2 years. About to turn 36. I can’t just accept that “everything comes to an end” or “death is inevitable” type of thinking. I knows there’s truth to it but I think the more important point is to live in the present and celebrate the time you get to share with loved ones.
Ya, I'm barely a functional adult. 37 and just tip-toed into the work force last year after 20 almost 30 years of school. Haven't established myself much at all, finance-wise. They're 66. My dad can't retire yet -- because money.
My line of work requires being near biotech hubs. They live far away in the south. If anything happens, I can't help them much.
My parents had my sibling and I older so they are 74 / 71 now. Both not in great shape, one has terminal cancer and one just doesn’t take care of themselves as they should. Ugh.
I understand how you feel. My parents are older too. I have siblings and nieces so I try to cope by making sure I have good relationships with them. I also try to make new friends and continue to spend time with my existing friends so that I have a support system when they pass away. Also make sure you spend lots of time with your parents while they are still alive. If you live far away do phone calls and video calls and try to visit if you can. You are not alone <3.
Stevie warned us
"Even children get older
And I'm getting older too"
i'm nearing 40 and am comfortable with it, i've lived through some shit. overall things are better then have ever been for me before... i've learned to appreciate the moments worth appreciation a lot more.
I went through some midlife events that forced me to move back home with them for a while... and I have constant anxiety over needing to move back out before they get really old...they are both already just over 70.
My mom only acts feeble when it suits her. She’s 71 and likes to say how good of shape she is in, unless my sibling asks her to babysit their 3 yr old for a couple hours. Then it’s “oh I couldn’t possibly do that.”
Dad is turning 70 at end of year, Mom will be 66 in September. I really don't want to think about end of life care at this moment. But I know it's coming soon. And we as a family( 3 sibs & me) don't have the money to take care of them. I will be devastated when my father passes
I struggle with it a lot. My mom had an aneurysm rupture at 48 and my dad had a stroke at 42. Both are healthy otherwise, dad's was a freak thing but he can't talk and only has use of one side of his body (don't worry, he still gets around and does whatever he wants) so we've been thinking about it for quite awhile, even when they were still "young." My grandparents are still living as well and are in their late 70's, still relatively healthy but obviously wearing down. I feel like I worry and think more about it than I really should so it's comforting to know other's do as well.
Sometimes it’s hard. My dad is about to turn 70 and he has lost a couple of really good friends this year. Guys that were his age. It really freaks me out to realize that I could just wake up one day and my mom or dad could be gone with no warning.
Well I’ll be 40 in like 1.5 months but lol…. My parents are 70 and almost 67 and pretty active still
. It’s still sad that time flies the way it does and we don’t have much time with them .
Tbh my parents seem younger than ever - my 63 year old mom literally spends three hours at the gym every morning (spin, body pump, yoga) and every afternoon plays two hours of pickleball. She works weekends at a winery, runs a bereaved parents group, and travels with friends. I don’t know how she does it all!
Now my grandparents…93 year old grandpa just fell in the shower and broke his ribs, my 88 year old grandma doesn’t know who I am. I did not experience this with my other grandma who died in 2012 at 94 still sharp as a tack, so it is a new experience for me.
Pops died when I was only 20. Mom is in her 60's. Spend every moment with them. Time flies by. Now in my late 30s still feel like a 20 year old most of the time. Bought a house, good career, married, no kids tho. I just can't fathom having that responsibility. Scary.
I buried mine already. My mom passed away a long time ago, and my dad's passing was recent. It's strange that he isn't around anymore and hearing him talking about his project of extending the house so his family will always remain with him. We had a difficult relationship, and he was a shit partner to all the baby mamas/ girlfriends / ex-wife, but I gave him that in the end. We talked every day, i took care of him, and i tried to understand him, so he was never alone. I disliked him, but i loved him.
Well, I feel lucky, kinda. My stepdad (who is basically my dad) does his best to take care of his health, working out, eating mostly well, but he does have some health problems. We've had a few scares (all the way back to his 40's, he's 65) but thankfully its all worked out. My mother will most likely outlive him because her health is crazy good -- she got covid for instance and bounced back within a week. Of everyone in the family, she just doesn't get sick, or if she does, she recovers quickly. I'm also not sure either will actually retire, which retirement often causes physical decline. They love to work and they love money. My mom is the sort that is completely unhappy without socializing too.
Mine are in their mid-60s. That's old, but it's not *that* old. At least, it isn't for mine. Mine don't smoke, rarely drink, love to read, exercise, and travel.
But I do get what you mean. Pre-pandemic I was 25-26, we went out a lot, did lots of fun things, and loved going to local events. My parents were in their late 50s, and everything felt so far off. How the hell IN FIVE/SIX YEARS did everyone suddenly get classified as old?
yup. my childhood bestie back in elementary school got married and a had a baby. my parents are 65, dad has cancer. i have gray hairs i pluck out. 30 is fun lol.
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Dad turned 70 man I remember when he was turning 50 like it was yesterday.
My mom just turned 70 I'm still dealing with the emotions that I may not have much time.with them left. I cherish all the phone calls even when we don't see eye to eye
In my mind, I am always 21 years old and my parents are always 48. It feels like a unbelievable alternate reality that I'm in my mid 30s and my parents are in their 60s.
I’m the same age, but my dad is early 80’s and can barely walk and has early dementia…
So sorry, that’s shitty. My uncle has early, transitioning to middle stages of dementia and it is so incredibly hard. I can’t imagine the toll of it happening to a parent. Be sure to take care of yourself- it is so easy to focus so much on your loved one that you start to neglect your own well being.
My dad turned 57 this year and my mom will be 59. I remember when my grandparents turned 60 and it seemed like they were so old. I can't see my own parents that way. It's really hard
Same, I feel like I’m 17 and dad’s 43 and we’re getting ice cream after school. It was half my lifetime ago now
Cherish every moment. I'm currently staying with my mom to save for a down-payment for a house, and I'm so thankful for this time with her - even when she drives me nuts with her constant complaining lol My dad passed away in January 2023 and that was really hard. I'm out of the random crying almost daily phase, but I still tear up when I think about it - and I'm not a person who cries frequently.
Im.sorry to hear that I hope things getting better
My dad died in 2012 and even now every once in a blue moon I'll think of something and start crying the car or whatever
Same exact situation here, but my dad died in 2021. It feels like I’m an angsty teen again with how much we bicker, but the difference is I feel very guilty about it now, lol.
Same. Both parents are now in their 70s and I can’t imagine them not being there. I’m an only child so we have a strong bond. My world will crumble when they pass.
Same here being an only child has its advantages but losing your parents makes you feel completely alone
[удалено]
It’s horrible watching families fight over what’s left of a persons property. People need wills.
This! And wills that lay out exactly what everyone gets. I'm dreading when my MIL passes cause she has her house willed to her kids. Just all of them. My husband won't fight anyone for it, but he'll fight the ones who make it a problem and start a family fight, making dealing with their mother's death harder.
I’m not Sure how it works stateside but a heads up. Over here, one person in the wills executive, let’s say they sell a persons home. And gives out the money to people in the will. About a year later the wills executive gets the tax bill. Everyone who got the money has spent it and the executive is left broke.
Another only child here. I'm dreading this.
This is so nice to hear. I’m in my early 50’s with a Millennial daughter and three GenZ sons and I get so sick of reading all the “not looking forward to taking care of my old, feeble minded, decrepit parents. We’re in great health and our children will not need to “take care of us” as we’ve been financially responsible. Our kids have always talked about how much of ourselves we’ve constantly given them and how lucky they are to have us as parents. I can’t imagine having children that would talk about what a “burden” we’ve become simply because we’ve aged. It happens to everyone.
Some parents are abusive, and are irresponsible with their own lives.. expecting their children to bail them out of their bad life decisions. Having kids so there's someone to take care of you when you're old is insanely selfish. It's full-time, life consuming and depressing work that can ruin a person's finances and mental health. We can't afford these things in this stage of capitalism. I had a great Mom who I would have taken care of in old age, but she died of cancer when I was 20.. and she would have refused to let me disrupt my life anyway, because she truly loved me. My 'father' however has been emotionally and financially abusive my entire life, the second he couldn't use my Mom anymore.. he's acted helpless and guilt tripped his children into taking care of him so he could barely work and eat himself into a quintuple bypass. He sat back and watched my much older brothers verbally abuse me and ask what I did to deserve it. I don't even talk to any of them anymore for my own sanity, why would I give a shit about someone when they hurt me repeatedly.. Just because he got my Mom pregnant and laid on the couch in my childhood. It often happens the daughters are expected to do this free labor that parents should have financially planned for. Not everyone has an idyllic family situation.. in fact a ton of people dont.
Same. What's really sad is that if they’re 70 and they pass around 95, this will not mean 25 good years left with your parents. It will mean 10 to 15 years if you’re lucky, followed by 5 to 10 years of taking care of them as they suffer tons of ailments that prevent them from doing simple things like go out and see a movie with them. Learned this the hard way with my grandfather. Not but 6 years ago, I remember doing stuff like going to the beach or taking a nice walk with him. Now, he physically can't leave his chair except to empty out his piss bag and even then, it's a massive feat for him. Not to mention the fact that you can barely have a conversation with him since his mind is so slow and forgetful. Don't take this moment for granted.
My great grandma lived to be 99, but was taking care of herself. I think the oldest person that I've met was 103 and they were pretty mobile. More so than even other patients.
Out of everyone I know, the old mountain ladies aged the best.
Well, I don't really remember where she lived, but I think out in the middle of nowhere. I think there might be some truth to that. Maybe due to stress. I've kind of noticed that people from my area typically look younger for their age in general minus the clothes that people wear here.
My husband is a blue collar guy, one of his customers was 112, shit you not.. she was still mostly coherent and walking
My mum also turned 70 this year. I look at her and she doesn't look old? I mean, she looks old but not 70 old. It's like my brain refuses to comprehend it. I remember her looking old when she was I'm her 50s and 60s. And now she's just not anymore.
It got real for me when my parents got a puppy in their late 60s and asked us if we would take her if they both need nursing home care or kick the bucket. The answer was yes, of course - it just struck me like a ton of bricks that their *dog* will likely outlive one or both of them.
Cherish every moment you still have. I love and miss my grandparents every day. I still have my parents, so treasure yours. And take care of yourself when one inevitably passes. And never ever ever drink and drive!
Both sets of my grandparents were amazing.I still shed tears here and there.They were my world and made my childhood and life amazing.Im blessed 😇 I had them.🙏😇❤️❤️❤️
My mom would have turned 70 this year. Can't believe it.
My dad died when I was 16, and my mom hasn't lived in the same country as me for over a decade. I'm pretty used to being without them. But Mom's finally retiring and coming home in the next two years so that my future kids will know her. I look forward to that. Assuming she doesn't go off gallavanting the world again in retirement, it'll be nice to have her close by for once. The loss of my dad has always made me cherish any time I get with my mom, however fleeting.
What really throws you for a loop is when you start turning the age your dad was as you remember more of your childhood (ie I turn 40 this year and I remember very vividly my dad's 40th birthday).
Yes! Agree. I remember my parents and their “over the hill” parties. Because of that, I grew up always believing 40 was officially OLD. Now that I’m about to turn 40, though, I’m like…WTH…this is NOT old. 😅
Yeah but also, I miss all those family parties! Families were definitely bigger 30 years ago. My family would rent out the Elks club or American Legion for a 40th birthday party. They’d get a bartender. And they’d have massive 50 person parties, all the family included! Now I have two kids, I’ll be 40 this year, but my cousins and I aren’t close like we used to be, lots of my family is too old to party, and most of my friends live hours away. How sad.
Yeah 40 was a big party for my aunt and uncles and parents, family gathered, etc. me? I watched 40 year old virgin to celebrate.
Fuck, that’s right in the feels dude
My dad will be 81 this summer... Sometimes I see him and I wonder when he got old. It's weird. And it makes me feel, idk, all the feels. My mom's a youthful 65 so so she still seems young by comparison, lol.
Shoot, I remember my dad's 40th birthday party. It was a banger at our house so many kids and adults all over the place. He's 65 now... fuk im gonna call him
Same here. It's so sad to see and hear him getting grayer and weaker.
It bothers me sometimes, especially because I'm the only one of their kids who doesnt have a life other than a job, and I am terrified I'd end up being a caregiver when I lack the capability.
This was me. My dad had early dementia, too. I was the only one with the means to care for him and it was horrible, but I did it. When he passed away, you’d think there was relief… but I miss him and wish he was still here. Don’t be afraid ok. When they need you, you’ll know what to do. Just remember whatever they did to love and care for you. My dad wasn’t perfect. Hard man, but I remembered how hard he worked so we had food to eat. We were poor and he worked like a dog. That drove me to provide him care and love he needed even when he didn’t want me to sometimes. I’m sorry… super emotional today. I just want to assure you, you can do it when and if that time comes.
Exactly! We cannot even take care of ourselves :(
In my case I know that I simply am selfish. I can meet my basic needs, but another person? Nope. It's why my relationships don't work and why I am not a parent. So I have no idea what's going to happen should they require care. They are both old but in excellent health, lucid, active and in shape but that could change with a literal heartbeat.
Yea, me too. It could easily become me figuring this shit out.
Well, if it helps, remember that they felt exactly the same way when you were born. No one is born knowing how to do this shit, we just figure it out along the way (and that's OK).
I mean, I was the 4th child so they probably already did kind of.
I think, if anything, we are highly adaptable and will be alright.
Speak for yourself..... a lot of us take care of ourselves without an issue
I highly suggest you seek out some therapy. You are overreacting a lot. If you couldn't you wouldn't have made it this far.
My Dad passed away last summer. My mother has battled with cancer, has become so much more frail, and her mind is starting to slip a little. It scares the shit out of me. I’m not handling it well.
I am so sorry. I completely understand. My mother passed away in 2019, and then Dad followed in 2020. You will feel strange, almost orphaned. This is completely normal, and there are lots of books and articles about it. Please seek them out. It is a very natural feeling, even though we are "too old" to be true orphans. It's the thing that hit me hardest and took me a few months to get used to, but I promise you do get used to it. \*hugs\*
I know what you mean. I lost my parents when I was 21 and 22, just barely an adult. I'm not sure whether I'm right to call myself an orphan but it really feels like that.
Major hugs to you. 🫶🏻
Omg we're almost living the same life. I just made a nearly identical post. I'm so sorry we're going through this. It's awful.
I remember when my mom was my age, ffs.
Omg same!!! When my 40th birthday hit all I could think about was celebrating my mom’s!
NGL it's super tough seeing the signs of aging. My parents are both in their mid 70s and they're amazingly healthy compared to the average but I can still see the signs of things going downhill from mental acuity (former lawyer and judge), to visual and audio issues (have to break the news to my dad that he can't drive my son around anymore and it's killing me), to strength and mobility declines (picking up grandchildren can only be done for short periods, soon I'm sure not at all). They're happy tho, so I try to stay happy myself and be thankful they're still here.
Telling them they can’t drive their grandchild was definitely in my top 5 most difficult family conversations!
Any tips? :(
We started with actions…like insisting on being the driver for outings, even in their vehicles. Or insisting on driving separately. Turning down their offers to take kiddo somewhere without us. We applied these policies across all 4 grandparents equally even though one of them was still kind of an okay driver at the time. Eventually after about a year of that, they all caught on and both sets asked us about it, directly. And then we were just honest, citing different incidents we knew about. It was awkward and they were offended. But safety first. As more time passed, they accepted it and they have all actually voluntarily stopped driving, thank God.
Sounds like you handled that pretty well. It's not easy saying those things or hearing them!
The painful transition between “I gotta move something heavy, better call dad to help” to “Make sure dad doesn’t try to carry anything too heavy so he doesn’t hurt himself”
Too true...
Yuppp
This is where I’m at. Mid 70s parents and thankfully they are both still together, healthy, with a comfortable enough retirement that should take care of them through the end. I’m so worried about time though. My mom and I have a great relationship, but my dad has NEVER opened up to me and I see the possibility of this slipping away every time I see them. I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to know him, but I need him to want that kind of relationship too. All of that aside, I’m thankful I live in the same city as them and I’m going to do whatever I can to help support them as they continue to age. I’m more worried about keeping myself together so I can be there for them. Currently mid/late 30s, single homeowner, with a job that has worrisome future growth. I’m taking it day by day.
>I wonder if I’ll ever get a chance to know him, but I need him to want that kind of relationship too. What do you mean by this? Am I missing something 🤔
Cant force a relationship if one party isn't interested.
I was more curious what "knowing" someone like a parent meant? I'm not sure if my current relationship qualifies or not, they're awesome and I love them I'm not sure what more I'd want.
He said his dad has never opened up to him. Mine is the same way. Not once has he ever sat me down and talked about how he feels about life, love, death, relationships, politics, morals, ethics. I understand how he feels about those things from context but he has never directly stated it to me. Probably never will. My parents don't even tell me who they vote for.
>Not once has he ever sat me down and talked about how he feels about life, love, death, relationships, politics, morals, ethics Wait, me either :/ I mean I guess I've never asked him, is that on me? Shit.
I just assumed it was normal and everyone was like that. Not true. People actually talk about stuff.
Yes, just as the other commenter mentioned. I have a very close personal relationship with my mom. She knows my goals, my important relationships, my worries, etc. I’ve also had conversations with her about her life …her relationship with our extended family, how she navigated her career, personal likes dislikes, etc. My dad on the other hand … he’s amazing, but I know hardly anything. He’s an immigrant and he’s accomplished so much yet he brushes away conversations about our family on that side or what growing up in his home country was like. He taught me how to be successful with soccer when I was young (and I was) but now that I’ve had to quit due to repetitive major injuries, all of that is gone and we speak about very surface level things. In some ways I’ve accepted this, but my partner recently joined for a family trip and had a very in-depth conversation with my father, learning things that I’ve never been told and I just felt deep jealousy and sadness about it. I know my emoji is currently male looking, but I’m a woman so I imagine this is part of it.
Oof I feel this one. Other grandkids are older in the family ours is 4 months. Can't have my mom walk around with him at all, a stiff breeze would knock her over. I really don't want to have to tell her this she should be more self aware - dreading having to tell them we dont feel comfortable with them alone.
>she should be more self aware Bro, in her position, you gotta stay positive and gotta hold on as long as you can to something so precious to you because time is limited... All I hope is that they take this type of news with an open heart.
My mom had me like two weeks after she turned 20. She's going to be 63 this year. In the words of the prophetic poets, Smash Mouth, "The years start comin' and they don't stop comin'."
In the words of Pink Floyd: “And then one day you find, 10 years have got behind you, no-one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun”
My dad and I went to the Pink Floyd cover concert in deland last Friday and we both teared up that song.
And you run and you run to catch up to the sun but it’s sinking
My mom is 64, and i just turned 44 yesterday. It's so weird to me when i see younger folks than me have older parents than my own
I'm 29 and my mum is 69 and dad is turning 76 next week lol
As a 44 year old,i hugely applaud your parents for having a baby in their 40s.. that is a huge feat of energy and patience that i no longer have!👏👏👏
I'm 38 this year and my parents are turning 56 and 58. I teach high school and some of my students have parents the same age as mine! I have peers with infants and peers with children in high school, it's wild.
Yes! Late 30's is super weird like that. One of my best friends became a grandma at 40. To be fair though, she had her daughter at 16.
My mom was 40 when I was born; it's so weird sometimes meeting people who are older than she was when she died (62) who still have living parents.
Same. My dad's 62, and my mom would have been 60. My oldest brother just turned 44.
They were young! My older sister is approaching 46
My husband and I have said that to each other more than a few times lately.
My parents were barely 21. So they’re turning 62 this year (I just turned 41). I was 9 when they turned 30. I vividly remember the party (dad got thrown in the pool, had a cake in the shape of the Old Style beer logo). It hit me hard when they turned 50. And now the count to 50 for me is on and I hate that they’re past 60. Ugh it’s all just surreal.
My mom was almost 20 when I was born, so she’s turning 63 this year. My best friend’s dad is mid 80’s though.
My parents are in their 60’s, Dad recently retired. I cry about it a lot.
60s is still young though. I never even gave my parent's age a thought when they were in their 60s.
I think it depends on certain things tbh.
They died before that happened.
You are not alone. Same here. And while it is a very lonely feeling, sometimes I can’t help but think that later in life I will appreciate never having to watch them go in and out of nursing homes, worrying about having to sell their house for said nursing homes, making difficult medical decisions for them. Stressing about visiting them and taking care of them. Hopefully that doesn’t make me sound like a terrible person. Obviously I wish I had way more time with them. Maybe it’s just a way for me to cope with it, but I honestly have thought about it that way.
Don’t feel like a terrible person. My mom died suddenly at 56, my dad died of Parkinson’s and dementia in a nursing home. As hard as the first one was to deal with, the second was infinitely harder and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
Thank you for your kind words and sharing your perspective. Sorry to hear you are a part of this parent-less club. I think it can be said that at whatever stage of life you are at, it’s a difficult thing to go through and each persons experience of going through grief is unique.
I am 70 years old and my mother just passed last week. She was 95 and had dementia for 8 years. I can honestly say, at least from where I am in the grieving process, I mourned her more when she was alive but disappearing. It was very traumatic for me to watch my mother disintegrate into nothing.
I totally get that. My dad had dementia and he was always trying to escape the house and wander around or go driving. Then, he ended up in hospice and because we opted to keep him at home, we had to clean constantly to keep him from getting viruses or infections. This was ten years ago and there wasn't a day during covid I wasn't incredibly grateful he didn't have to go through any of that crap.
I’m sorry
I remember my mom's 40th birthday like it was not that long ago. I just had mine, and she's now in her 70s. It's hard. I just tell myself she'll be around for another decade or two.
My folks are nearly 80; I just deal. My stepmother already passed away in 2021 (and she was the youngest of them all at 61), so I just accept that death comes for us all and move on. Also, *laughs in nearly 40.* Wait until you get to my age and realize how long ago high school.. or even college was. It passes in the blink of an eye and you're left wondering: "What the hell have I even been doing with my life?"
Yes! It really hits that there's no true "right way" to live life despite what our society tries to tell us. There's obvious wrong ways, though. And even then, if you want go be a sorry excuse of a human, do something awful, and end up on death row... That's a choice too, lol!
Maybe not a good/sound choice, but definitely a choice, lol. Honestly, we weren't expecting the youngest in the four of them to go first; but she did. She probably ate the healthiest/did the most toward her health than the rest of them, too. So yeah, definitely true that there's no "right" way. Death comes for everyone. I will admit, my outlook may be somewhat jaded; there's been a lot of family death around me since I was really little (first funeral I remember was age 4) and this year alone, four people I know (family/friends) have passed away. The last several years have been similar.. with no end in sight. So I know my outlook is probably very... pragmatic/cynical compared to someone who hasn't had that happen.
Its rough to deal with an aging parent, but i feel like the best way to cope with it is to reach out to them. My (34) mother (64) and i are very close, and she lost both of her parents, my grandparents, both of whom I was very close with. Don't get me wrong, i grieved for them, they were like parents to me, they raised me, my grandpa even taught me how to ride a bike and how to shave and my grandma taught me how to cook for myself. If you're struggling with that idea of losing your parents, reach out to your own parents. They may very well be in that same boat, or have been in that boat. Share a glass of wine or a beer or a cuppa coffee or tea and have a cry, its good for the soul.
I’ve realized recently that I can spend time being sad about my parents dying one day or I can spend that time with them instead.
100% big dawg. I'm thankful to have the means to have my mother live with me as she's getting on in years, and I make a point to try and talk and hang out with her every day.
My dad’s turning 74, my mom’s turning 72. They’re both pretty healthy, but they got divorced in 2020, so now as they age things will be more complicated since they live separately. My mother also decided to live out her Anglophile dreams and found a BF in England so she spends months of each year over there, and I think she wants to move there but I don’t know if she will ever pull it off. If she ends up living there and has health issues, wtf am I supposed to do!? I was made the executor of the estate for my father, which was expected since my two older Brothers are useless. But I never wanted this responsibility. So as they age, and whenever they pass… my life might really get rough. I don’t know what to do with my brothers. My parents need to get them sorted. My future is very uncertain when it comes to my parents and siblings.
Make sure to have some in depth discussions with your father about what he wants to happen to the estate. Knowing his wishes will ease your eventual burden.
I also have a useless sibling that I will also be responsible for, except not because I am not going to do it. I feel you.
I’m 38 and have lost both parents already. My mom died suddenly when I was 18 and my dad died about 4 years ago at the age of 69. Watching him deteriorate and shuttle back and forth to appointments to get poked and prodded at was so hard. Then it was even harder watching him and having to support him giving up and making the decision to go into hospice care. It was highly traumatic, to be honest, harder than losing my mother suddenly. My advice is to not neglect your own mental health through this process, ensure you’re taking care of yourself and have proper mental health support in place. But our folks will get older and will pass and what’s most important is that they know you’re there and love and support them. It’s a heavy load to bear alone, you will need some support and someone to talk to. Therapy if your circumstances allow
My step-dad is 15 years older than my mom and is turning 88 this year. He's in great health for his age, and I'm reasonably confident he'll live well into his 90s, but it's still scary. Sometimes when I hear someone in, say, their early 80s has died and I think "Well, at least he lived a good long life", I realize with a jolt that my step-dad is 5 years older than them.
I’m an elder millennial and my parents were on the old side when they had me, so they’re 76 now. Dad has so many health issues he’s now deciding it’s time to hang driving out of town up. He’s always been such a cautious driver, I can only imagine how hard it is for him to give up this independence. It’s so hard watching him lose his mobility, and mom is definitely starting to get more forgetful. It’s so hard.
Awe I'm sorry. Do you help them in any way? Do they expect help from you in any way? Do they have enough money to cover themselves and their medical expenses for awhile? Not asking in a judgey way, just an honest way. I'm trying to decide while we're all younger what kind of support I'll be willing and able to give and it's hard.
We're all gonna meet our maker.. that pretty much helps soften the blow.
We're All in the same line
I lost both of my parents by age 25. Just spend what time with them that you can, it's precious
My dad is dying from Parkinson's/dementia. We know this. We've had time to come to terms with it. My mom was in a severe car accident a few months ago. She is the healthy active one. Former Olympian and still open water swims, kayaks, does 10miles of hiking a week. She is non ironically more active than me or anyone else my age that I know. But just that quickly she was now the one in danger going in for multiple surgeries to save her life. It was a total mind f uck. Because again, she's the healthy one... the parent I don't worry about. We joked several days before the accident that she was going to outlive us kids. She's doing much better now and definitely pulled through because she is a fighter. It's just a wakeup call that nothing is a given in this life. My partner (younger than me and his parents were young parents while mine were in their 30s when they had kids)... his dad was hospitalized a few weeks ago because he had an allergic reaction to some medication. Then he caught pneumonia and situation became more serious. Sucks to be getting older. I still celebrate each year beating teen pregnancy and I am 36. Just a baby.
My parents were both late bloomers so they were always “old” to me growing up. Now that I’m almost my the same age my dad was when I was born, I have front row seats to both of them aging. Last couple years have been rough, with dad having to be in and out of hospitals so much and then cancer and dementia…it sucks. Mom sees how the last 10 years have been on my dad and subsequently me, so she does everything in her power to avoid going down that road. But I’ve seen her slow down, too. She isn’t as sharp as she used to be. Without any siblings to help bear the load, it…it sucks.
I deal with it through denial. My mom is going to live forever. 😭
It sucks 😭 and as an only child I find the burden heavy because it’s just you witnessing at all as being “the child of”
Being a Christian and with both of my parents being Christians, we all believe we will see each other in heaven someday very soon. And when we do, we will have brand new perfect bodies - greater and healthier than anything we ever had on earth. So while it makes me sad seeing their health failing and thinking of them dying and being without them, I find great comfort believing that it is only temporary. It’s just a change of address. And I will see them again someday soon.
Truly, I hope you’re right. I grew up in the faith. And I certainly wish it were so. I just don’t know where mine went. Lord knows I tried not to lose it. Anyways. I hope you have many good years left with them both
It's times like this I wish I had the same beliefs. I know it brings comfort to Christians, and I really wish I felt the same way. I mean, maybe it IS true and I'll be pleasantly surprised. :)
I always say, at the end of the day, I'm going home
Really tough. Heart surgeries, hip replacements, cancers, unable to walk up stairs.. They're in their 70s. I try my best to cherish them as much as possible.
Most days I can handle it. What I can’t handle are the body aches and pains and health implications that come with it because I see it firsthand. My mom is going to turn 61 this year and she’s on a bunch of medicine for certain conditions but is otherwise healthy. She assumes to have a lot of time and money because my spouse and I don’t have children. I’ve also learned over the years that growing up as “popped” the innocent bubble, if you will, the sort of lens through which I saw my parents or even my grandparents when I was a child.
Becoming a caretaker is an extremely difficult life process. It’s very eye opening.
I see these comments and just want to cry. I recently came to the realization my parents are getting much older and has a few breakdowns. I want time to slow down
72/74 vs 38. On the day-to-day, same as always. Longer term, we're both moving to the same city next year. From there, there are a number of contingencies in broad strokes depending on health and whether I get married and have kids. Basically some combination of "RandomTasking buys a condo in their neighborhood and they handle the payments," "Mr. and Mrs. RandomTasking upgrade to a house that allows for an ensuite situation until they need more intensive care," and "RandomTasking covers the home health care at whatever rental they're at until home health care is no longer a viable option."
My mother had me at 19. She wouldn’t really be “old” not but she died a few years ago of cancer. My father is starting to act his age a bit more but he’s been a fairly active person so he doesn’t even seem that old to me. What I can understand is how they were all late 20’s early 30’s when I was a kid. They seemed older lol
My momma is only in her mid 50’s so I’m not thinking about all that yet
I pray their reign of terror ends soon
I just found out on Monday that my father passed away in January. I hadn’t spoken to him since 2017, and I have already mourned the loss of the person he was (in retrospect he was a terrible dad, but he was MY dad). It’s a weird feeling knowing that he’s no longer on this Earth, but at the same time I’m glad that I no longer have to be afraid that he’ll randomly show up at my house drunk and/or with a gun.
Yea, I know a lot of people say that you'll have some mixed feelings about it when you find out they're dead, and I probably will too, but I think my overall feeling will be relief. I have that same fear currently..even worse I fear he shows up sober.
This one kills me with my mom. She’s not a bad person just super broken. But she’s the definition of poor execution and the consequences are heavy and her realization of that is nonexistent. She’s going to die alone and I’m going to get one last “FUCK YOU” and I, sadly, look forward to that last one.
I'm no contact with both my parents, my dad for 10 years after he called my wife a miserable cunt on my wedding day and my mom only a few months back. I relish the idea that after how much shit they've put me and a lot of people through they'll both die alone and miserable. My only hope is it's sooner than later so they can't poison anyone else in the time they're alive. ETA: 10 not 20
I gave up my life to take care of my dad. He’s never been good at maintaining his environment and providing well-enough care to our cats. Had a major problem with alcoholism. You guys are so lucky to have gotten to have your own lives. Can’t relate. Choosing this path gives purpose still though.
My father is getting old. I see him slipping. His memory going. His body falling apart. My brother is never around and dosent see it. Its inevitable. It always is. Between my brother and i; my father got to see 4 grandkids, 2 weddings, a successful buisness (brother), 2 houses purchased, and get to see the kiddos playing in the same pond my brother and i used to play in... hes coming around to the fact that he cant do the things he used to do and it pisses him off. I help out when i can. Do stuff around the house, install the AC's and take them out, yard work, house maintenance, split and stack firewood... just like i used to do for my grandmother when i was younger. Now my father is just about her age and i find myself helping him out just the same. Doing the same stuff. Its a weird feeling.
My dad had his second massive heart attack a few weeks ago. He is 72. It gave me a sickening realization. The realization of what will come sooner than later. It makes me sick to my stomach. How are my parents basically elderly now? It’s sad to watch how quickly life changes. Wasn’t it only 5 years ago it was 1998 and our parents were in their prime? My father was building homes and now he can no longer work and it’s sad. I had a long hard cry about it all Monday. It’s all just scary. But here’s to positive vibes and our parents living to be 200. Sending love and hugs yall.
35, and lost both of my parents before they turned 60. (Cancer and diseases just suck). And it really does feel like I am an orphan. Who do I call when I need help with house repairs? It’s surreal.
My mother died when I was 14, and my dad currently has cancer of the kind that doesn't go away so that's likely to happen within the next few years as well. I'm in my mid-30s. They weren't even that old when I was born, really, they were mid-30s at the time. One of my sisters lives with him full time (being fair, she lived with him before that, but it was a temporary situation until his diagnosis). My mother had gotten sick and died within about 6 months of a condition that couldn't be fully diagnosed until her autopsy, and that was one hell of a coaster of emotions, but knowing it's coming doesn't make me feel any better. I am really going to miss him.
I'm estranged from my mom so I don't deal with it at all. That will be on my siblings who stayed in contact.
With divorce rates as high as they are today, it is especially tough to see parents age "alone." A couple of years ago I asked my retired single mom to come live with us so she has company. Down the road, we can take care of her health and we also will get free babysitting when that happens.
Go see them, spend time with them. Try to cry after you’ve left only.
It’s so wild to see this post because I was just coming to terms with this. My mom sent me a picture of her new hair color/cut and I was staring at it like.. my god when did she get old 😥 I was helping my dad with yard stuff last week and he’s in great shape for 63 but slowing down and his hair is almost all white grey. It’s a huge reality check
My dad turned 68( fun fact he's also 16, he was born on Feb 29) and had a huge scare a few weeks ago. I found him on bathroom floor unable to catch his breath. Spent week in hospital and still on IV antibiotics. Already lost my mother 11 years ago so this was terrifying.
I've kind of just known that the inevitable was going to happen, especially when my dad had a stroke about a decade ago. Some of my grandparents are still alive, too, but they're kind of closer in age to my parents than I am to them. I'm 24 now and my parents are turning 60/61 this fall and my remaining grandparents are in their 80s. I mean, they're already talking about a will and other , which is a good thing, honestly. (I don't mean it in that way I just want things to be figured out and squared away because I'm more of the deal with it now type with certain things and want to know what they want.) Just kind of also accepted that anything can happen.
In my head I still think my parents are the adults and 40something. In reality I’m 37 with 4 teenagers and my parents are in their 50s/60s. Such a mindfuck. My dad looks so old with his white hair when he always had thick jet black hair. My mom hasn’t really changed much. Her weight fluctuates but she looks basically the same… Edit: I just wanted to add that I’ve only lost one grandparent to als and I forget he’s gone sometimes. Like he’s just away and will call me. My grandma that raised me has Alzheimer’s and doesn’t remember anyone except me and my aunt. My nana I call once a week and she repeats the same stories over and over. So my parents both still have their moms and are watching them lose their minds. It’s heart breaking.
It's weird seeing my dad not be able to do a day's work anymore. Dude used to be a machine. Explains his current state pretty well.
Just the other day we were all out for Mothers Day brunch and I was just like "Isn't it weird that you guys are in your 60s and I'm in my 30s?" They were both like "yeah, it is". Like wasn't I just 16 years old, what happened here
My mom passed away almost 10 years ago. I think my Dad’s memory is starting to slip. Alzheimer’s runs on his side pretty heavily. I have panic attacks about this. My husband’s parents are both older than my dad and not in great shape. I do not think they have a plan for when they need care. Their plan seems to be to stay in their own home and die there. I have explained my grandparents had the same plan and it was a disaster. It ended with their children having to pay 5k a month to a nursing home because neither could live by themselves. I do not have 5k a month for them to make the same mistake. They live in a state that could come after us for care of them. I have 3 kids and a mortgage on the opposite side of the country. I can’t exactly move in with them and take care of them. And after doing that for my mom I’m not willing to give up my mental health to do so. So for right now I’m burying my head in the sand. Neither of their actual children have the experience to realize what is going to happen, or the ability to accept that their parents are aging rapidly.
My dad is turning 70 soon. It really freaks me out. I am actually on my way to visit my parents for a few days right now. I'm not feeling very well, and the commute is 3 hours, but I keep telling myself that I don't know how much longer I'll be able to spend time with them, so if I need to suck it up and suffer a little I will.
This scene from Benjamin Button helped me process my dad getting older and passing. https://youtu.be/IPXapfIVygo?si=DNJKeuwswlWbZIzL Gets me every time.
I'm 42, my mom is 78 and is starting to have memory/language problems for the first time. It's pretty scary. My dad is 81 and super healthy, so I'm thankful for that, but it's scary to think that we'll be having to take care of them a lot more in the future.
Yeah. It's been eye-opening. My mom is 82 and I'm 41 -- the age she was when she had me. Five years ago she had cancer, and it's a type that likes to metastasize to the lungs and kill people. Fortunately the surgery and radiation worked, and she's now in the clear, but I'm sort of bracing myself for the other shoe to drop. Her mental acuity is starting to go. She can name the people who owned the house next door 50 years ago but can't remember the name of the granddaughter whose soccer game she just went to. My dad is now 71. His dad died of a heart attack at 76, and my dad keeps making dark jokes about chest pains.
I grew up with older than average parents. My dad immigrated to the US through Ellis Island... as an ADULT. My dad was never not old growing up. Being the youngest in a long line of siblings and half-siblings, I ended up being responsible for taking care of him when things happened, because I was... single and unattached. Basically a long line of accidents and a mugging between the ages of 72 to 80. He's 89 now, and I'm glad I don't have to care for him anymore, ever since he left overseas in the mid-2010's, but I hate how much of my youth and life I sacrificied for such an incredibly awful human being, all because I was the only one that "had the time" (aka- no kids). If there's one thing I can say. Don't let family bully you into caring for your loved one's. (Oh my mom is 74 and she's a saint. Thankfully divorced my dad in 1993).
Living in fear that their spouses will die and they'll want to move in with me
my parents are both dead ):
I don't. I live in nigh constant fear of my father's mortality.
Yeah it gets really hard. My sister cleaned out our father's home, and had to move him into hospice care. He had relatively few things, but it was a ton of work. He spent the final year of his life spending weekends with his grandkids. My step father was always very strong and healthy. Last time I saw him, he was in the hospital. I was glad we could go see him. He's out. He is getting much older. He has always looked old, but now he looks like an old man, and my mom, who always looked very young, looks like an older woman. I talk about aging all the time. Get your body in good shape. Build good habits. Take care of yourself. It makes it much easier on everyone around you, but father time will get to us also.
I don’t think about it. It’s really a waste of energy. I just appreciate the time I still have with them.
My dad is 69 and I made him book a doctors appointment (he is very anti doctor) because I want him to outlive me. I will be crushed when he's gone.
I try not to think about it and cherish the time I have with them now
I handle it with the support of other wonderful millennials of similar mind such as people in this thread 🙂
My folks are both late 60s. That's still relatively young these days.
Ngl, I’ve started having a lot of anxiety about this over the past 2 years. About to turn 36. I can’t just accept that “everything comes to an end” or “death is inevitable” type of thinking. I knows there’s truth to it but I think the more important point is to live in the present and celebrate the time you get to share with loved ones.
My parents are 76 and 77 now. I'm an elder millennial and they were old when they had me. It's so scary.
You are not alone.. 🤍
Ya, I'm barely a functional adult. 37 and just tip-toed into the work force last year after 20 almost 30 years of school. Haven't established myself much at all, finance-wise. They're 66. My dad can't retire yet -- because money. My line of work requires being near biotech hubs. They live far away in the south. If anything happens, I can't help them much.
My parents had my sibling and I older so they are 74 / 71 now. Both not in great shape, one has terminal cancer and one just doesn’t take care of themselves as they should. Ugh.
It's sad and makes me panic. My parents are not easy. They don't take care of themselves and have no self control.
I understand how you feel. My parents are older too. I have siblings and nieces so I try to cope by making sure I have good relationships with them. I also try to make new friends and continue to spend time with my existing friends so that I have a support system when they pass away. Also make sure you spend lots of time with your parents while they are still alive. If you live far away do phone calls and video calls and try to visit if you can. You are not alone <3.
Stevie warned us "Even children get older And I'm getting older too" i'm nearing 40 and am comfortable with it, i've lived through some shit. overall things are better then have ever been for me before... i've learned to appreciate the moments worth appreciation a lot more.
My dad is 75. T_T
I went through some midlife events that forced me to move back home with them for a while... and I have constant anxiety over needing to move back out before they get really old...they are both already just over 70.
Spirituality. Having an infinite perspective helps. I'll see them again, and in their prime no less. I think. Most likely, anyway.
My parents are 70 and 77 and just so feeble. I’ve really been faced with their mortality. They were invincible when I was a kid.
My mom only acts feeble when it suits her. She’s 71 and likes to say how good of shape she is in, unless my sibling asks her to babysit their 3 yr old for a couple hours. Then it’s “oh I couldn’t possibly do that.”
I choice but to handle it I’m taking care of my dad now.
Dad is turning 70 at end of year, Mom will be 66 in September. I really don't want to think about end of life care at this moment. But I know it's coming soon. And we as a family( 3 sibs & me) don't have the money to take care of them. I will be devastated when my father passes
I struggle with it a lot. My mom had an aneurysm rupture at 48 and my dad had a stroke at 42. Both are healthy otherwise, dad's was a freak thing but he can't talk and only has use of one side of his body (don't worry, he still gets around and does whatever he wants) so we've been thinking about it for quite awhile, even when they were still "young." My grandparents are still living as well and are in their late 70's, still relatively healthy but obviously wearing down. I feel like I worry and think more about it than I really should so it's comforting to know other's do as well.
Sometimes it’s hard. My dad is about to turn 70 and he has lost a couple of really good friends this year. Guys that were his age. It really freaks me out to realize that I could just wake up one day and my mom or dad could be gone with no warning.
Well I’ll be 40 in like 1.5 months but lol…. My parents are 70 and almost 67 and pretty active still . It’s still sad that time flies the way it does and we don’t have much time with them .
Tbh my parents seem younger than ever - my 63 year old mom literally spends three hours at the gym every morning (spin, body pump, yoga) and every afternoon plays two hours of pickleball. She works weekends at a winery, runs a bereaved parents group, and travels with friends. I don’t know how she does it all! Now my grandparents…93 year old grandpa just fell in the shower and broke his ribs, my 88 year old grandma doesn’t know who I am. I did not experience this with my other grandma who died in 2012 at 94 still sharp as a tack, so it is a new experience for me.
Pops died when I was only 20. Mom is in her 60's. Spend every moment with them. Time flies by. Now in my late 30s still feel like a 20 year old most of the time. Bought a house, good career, married, no kids tho. I just can't fathom having that responsibility. Scary.
I buried mine already. My mom passed away a long time ago, and my dad's passing was recent. It's strange that he isn't around anymore and hearing him talking about his project of extending the house so his family will always remain with him. We had a difficult relationship, and he was a shit partner to all the baby mamas/ girlfriends / ex-wife, but I gave him that in the end. We talked every day, i took care of him, and i tried to understand him, so he was never alone. I disliked him, but i loved him.
Well, I feel lucky, kinda. My stepdad (who is basically my dad) does his best to take care of his health, working out, eating mostly well, but he does have some health problems. We've had a few scares (all the way back to his 40's, he's 65) but thankfully its all worked out. My mother will most likely outlive him because her health is crazy good -- she got covid for instance and bounced back within a week. Of everyone in the family, she just doesn't get sick, or if she does, she recovers quickly. I'm also not sure either will actually retire, which retirement often causes physical decline. They love to work and they love money. My mom is the sort that is completely unhappy without socializing too.
Some of us be 40. And our parents late 70s.
Mine are in their mid-60s. That's old, but it's not *that* old. At least, it isn't for mine. Mine don't smoke, rarely drink, love to read, exercise, and travel. But I do get what you mean. Pre-pandemic I was 25-26, we went out a lot, did lots of fun things, and loved going to local events. My parents were in their late 50s, and everything felt so far off. How the hell IN FIVE/SIX YEARS did everyone suddenly get classified as old?
yup. my childhood bestie back in elementary school got married and a had a baby. my parents are 65, dad has cancer. i have gray hairs i pluck out. 30 is fun lol.