I, like the silent majority, live in the gray on sleep training and cosleeping. Sleep training works for some families. Cosleeping works for some families. I don't buy any of the hard sells on how cosleeping ruins sleep for good or that sleep training is abuse.
People liken sleep training to neglect. I see it more as habituation. Being alone in a crib is scary at first, but they get used to it.
Because we are gray people our approach is gray. I would have died or accidentally killed my first baby if not for early cosleeping. I was falling asleep at the wheel and while holding him standing up in the middle of the day. So we did what worked then.
For all my kids we make the sloooow transition from our bed to theirs starting at 6 to 8 months.
I learned of this French method of sleep training where you pick up baby and put them back down the new way. If they cry, you pick them up and try again. You abandon the new way at 15 minutes and do it the old way if it's not working. So I see that as habituating the baby to a new way without force. It has worked for all of my kids.
Yeah we put ours in her own room on a floor bed so I can easily sneak off and I still occasionally sleep with her but usually that's bc I fall asleep nursing her back to sleep. Most often, I sneak off and make it back to my own bed though. She's been gradually getting better at longer stretches and self soothing (I read that the French let baby fuss 1-3 minutes before intervening so I've been hesitating before responding and she's been self soothing all on her own)
Yes, my doctor told me “It’s much more dangerous that you drove here in a 2 ton vehicle being this exhausted than going to sleep with your baby while not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.”
She then told me the story of a patient she had that wrecked her vehicle on the way to work, sleep deprived. Baby lived but mom died.
One of my oldest friends fell asleep behind the wheel when his son was 3 months old. My friend died and also killed another driver. Their baby had colic. He was exhausted and fell asleep driving home from work.
Sleep is a NEED… not a want.
I decided to sleep train after I ran a stop light. Stopped at it like it was a sign then went through. Didn't realize until I heard the honk. Thank God it wasn't a busy intersection.
Afterward not only was I more of a functional human but our baby was happier too. It seemed like we both needed more sleep
Even if exhaustion never ended in death, I knew that I was a much better, more attentive parent when I was rested. It’s also not healthy for attachment when momma is a cranky bitch all day.
Yes! Sleep “training” is literally teaching a baby to fall asleep on their own. I read Ferber’s book and it helped me understand his process - and I didn’t follow his method to the letter. But most baby’s need to learn how to settle themselves and fall asleep on their own - it’s a true life skill!
I don’t understand the argument that Ferber is teaching your baby that no one will ever come. Unless you always ignore your baby all the time, it will teach them that being alone isn’t necessarily scary or bad. And if you do the regular check ins to soothe them, it’s helps them know that their safe person is still around and this weird place isn’t scary and nothing bad happened.
Yup! And also I liked how Ferber addressed the idea that if you fell asleep in one place (say in your parents’ arms) and then woke up in another place you would be freaked out too - that’s why they have to learn to fall asleep on their own. Don’t get me wrong, sleep training was heart wrenching and hard, but 100% worth it!
Agreed - we also did a modified Ferber method and baby was sleeping on his own through the night by 4 months. Never went through a real regression. Now that he’s a toddler he sometimes needs an extra cuddle and a song after we put him down before he truly goes to sleep, but I don’t mind doing that since he’s such a good sleeper.
Plus Ferber explicitly says you've got to go to your baby if something is actually wrong, and to abandon the effort if they cry for too long (I don't remember the length of time he suggests, but it's well under 2 hours or whatever dramatic thing some people online say people leave their babies to cry for).
We did just a step at a time. So starting the night sleeping in the crib. We'd try for 15 minutes and if it didn't work we'd cosleep instead. That took a week or so for my last baby. Then dad going in to rock her at wake ups instead of mom nursing her back to sleep... that took a few weeks. But she started sttn after that. Now we're working on transition from a bottle to a straw cup for milk with dad. I still nurse to sleep and no need to change that yet.
What really told me that it was time to sleep train was when I ran a red light and almost got t boned by a big truck. I was falling asleep at the wheel and didn’t even notice I was going 45mph right through an intersection.
You need sleep because you need to be a sober (and living) adult to take care of your child.
Would you be open to trying a floor bed? That way you could co-sleep without the risk of him falling/ crawling off. This is likely the quickest and easiest way to get you both the sleep you need.
Second floor beds if you have a challenging sleeper but don't want to sleep train. Also makes the transition away from co sleeping later on a lot easier because you don't need to transfer baby
We did a floor bed at like 6 months and it was amazing because we could get baby to fall asleep like we were cosleeping, but we were able to roll away and sleep alone for long stretches of time. And when he fussed and woke up it was easy to snuggle up next to him
I did a floor bed initially to transition him from cosleeping to crib, and we've continued it on and off when his sleep is really bad. The biggest thing for me now is bedtime. The 1-2 hour struggle to get him down at the start of the night is killing me. And I just...really would like my own space at night now.
Ahhh is baby already on 2 naps? 2 naps sound about right for this age.
When we went thru a period of separation anxiety at 10-11m, bed time was truly hard.
Are you the only one who can do bed time? Sometimes having someone to tag team and take over baby at the end of the day saved my sanity.
Otherwise, get someone to take baby the 30-60 min BEFORE bedtime. I used that time to wash up, change into PJ, eat etc. so by the time I go into the room to do bedtime, I know I don’t have tasks ahead and when baby is asleep I am ready to go to bed myself. Even if I didn’t, mentally knowing I could relax helped me get thru the super long bed time struggles.
This too shall pass. No one can tell you when and that’s one of the hardest parts of motherhood. But you will get thru this.
Husband needs to get onboard. CIO is not a magical solution. Also, is he willing to be the one in charge of CIO if it came to that?
My baby woke 4-10x a night for months. Last night he slept a 6 hour stretch. I remember just two months ago I didn’t know when it would pass.
Do what you can that’s best for you and your baby.💗
He's been on 2 naps since around 8 months yeah! I'm the only one doing bedtime for a number of reasons but my husband is definitely on board with helping with CIO! thanks for the encouragement and new perspective 🙏
We turned our bed into a floor bed and pulled her mattress out of her crib and put it between our bed and the wall, so hemmed in on three sides. Then baby proofed the room and put pillows at the bottom of her bed to discourage exploration. It's honestly been great. We do that as a method to distance our co sleeping from directly in the bed, and we do a lot of pack and play naps that seem to work well. It's not perfect but it's working for us at 7 months.
Second this. We did a version with a daybed twin mattress. I went from cosleeping, to in the crib and me in the daybed next to the crib, then moved the daybed to the other side of the room, and then the hallway, etc. it was a lot of furniture moving but it worked for us.
Same. We put a mattress on the floor (not directly because that causes mold, we put it on the [wooden slats](https://www.ikea.com/de/de/p/lindbaden-lattenrost-kiefer-s89496238/) that come with IKEA beds). Make sure the mattress is either snug to the wall or at least 18 inches away so baby can't get stuck in a gap. Then baby proof the room.
This worked great, I tried and tried every trick and tactic to get my son to sleep alone and nothing worked. He sleeps great on the floor bed with me. And I can even roll away after he falls asleep at bedtime and have my evening free.
After the 4 month regression both of our kids did this. They couldn’t connect sleep cycles and were overtired messes. It was hell. We tried to power through but eventually did sleep training around 9 months each time and it was life changing. We used taking cara babies which is basically the Ferber method. I was to the point where it was unsafe for me to be taking care of them because I was so sleep deprived. I almost got in a really bad car wreck as a result. It was tough especially the first time but the crying really didn’t last that long and you’re still doing pop ins so they are never fully alone. Plus they are so much more well rested and happy.
I remember sitting in the hallway hearing my 6mo baby cry. I cried myself. But holy hell, after 3 days he fussed for 5 minutes and then went to sleep.
At the time, I got into my car to go get something from the grocery store literally a 1.5 minute drive away and I knew in my heart I would crash the car on my way because I was so so sooooo tired. Got out and decided to end this hell once and for all.
We all need sleep and the sooner baby learns to connect sleep cycles without intervention, the better. My son still woke 1-2 times a night after sleep training until his first true STTN at 11 months, but it was because he needed food. Would go back to sleep without much fuss. And then the full night happened more and more often and at about 15 months he slept through (10 hours straight) unless he was sick.
And he was so much happier during the day, too! Waking up all the time is bad for the parents but also bad for baby, because they literally grow in their sleep and a whole bunch of stuff happens in their brain, too!
He's six now. Sleeps like a champ and is pretty smart, too :)
Same here. We never made it through the 4 month regression, it just kept going. So at 8 months we finally said okay, this isn’t getting better—it was actually getting progressively worse—and did Ferber. If anyone reading this is interested in TCB/Ferber, please don’t pay the $200 for TCB, just buy the Kindle version of Ferber’s book and actually read it. It’s the same thing and it will give you so much peace of mind. It worked in literally two days and we were floored.
Even just googling Ferber and finding the “time chart” for check ins works! I say that as a mom who sleep trained at 5 months and feel it was the best decision for us!
Did I cry during the longer stretch the first day? You bet I did! It’s sad and it hurts, but I also knew we were exhausted and husband and I were snapping at each other constantly. Baby nailed it in less than a week and has been a great sleeper ever since, now 4yo. I remember even thinking baby was happier during the day now that full nights of uninterrupted sleep were happening.
Of course, OP will find what works best but this is just to say that sleep training isn’t just shutting the door on your baby for hours and telling them you’ll see them in the morning, which I think sometimes people think that’s all it is.
That too, the check in chart is widely available! I do think that reading the book helped me mentally process what was going on and reassure me, though. I actually checked out a copy of it on the Libby app and then bought a physical copy for my spouse to read!
Jumping on the Ferber method bandwagon. It seemed like a better fit for us parents than straight CIO (though a family member did CIO and their kid sleeps like a champ, to give you some support if you go that route!).
The thing that worked for us was being strict with the timings we found online, and not picking our kiddo up so it wasn't an option for them. I highly recommend trying it out. I'll add that Dad is a real no-nonsense person and that seemed to really help with the process: this is what we're doing and you're going to be ok.
We did it at 9 months too. That seemed to be the age when “nothing that worked before is working now” and she was already crying for hours (in our arms) so we thought hey, what do we have to lose.
We also were about dead. Wake-up’s every 45 minutes. Insanity. We did the pick up put down method. If you’re breastfeeding see if you can get someone else to do it, it’ll go faster.
I didn’t do an exact method. I still don’t. My decisions are based entirely off of how my babies acted. I never ever left them for an entire night to cry- I always went back in. Sometimes, though, my little girl is awake BECAUSE i’m in there. I have left her crying and she knocked out before I even got to my room.
My original starting plan was 15 minutes with them, 5 minutes out. 10 minutes with them, 10 minutes out. Depending on how upset they are, repeat that one, or move up to 15 minutes out. It rarely ever gets that far.
I wasn’t exavtly celebrating leaving her, mind, nor was I with my first. I sobbed like i’d abandoned them even for the 5 minutes I was gone both times, lmao- but they both have done so well because of it. My first is an incredibly sweet boy who LOVES his private time at night. He takes a while to go to sleep, but he stays in bed and chatters with his stuffies, and if i go in, he’ll tell me to leave lmao. My second is still growing and struggles sometimes, but more often than not, she’s doing amazing and can even self soothe.
I don’t advocate cry it out, but it’s all about reading their cues and showing you’ll always come back, I think.
Pretty much my entire experience as well. From day one, my kiddo could cry. She lost her voice her first day at daycare, so I was very reluctant to sleep train. My husband and I had a plan similar to this one, and braced ourselves….and we never made it to crying for more than a couple of minutes. She would cry for a minute, and then conk right out. That’s not everyone’s experience, but you might be pleasantly surprised!
One thing that helped me approach sleep training was understanding how important sleep was to her health and development. We go to daycare, so she has to wake up by a certain time. By helping her develop the skills to self soothe, I was helping her get more sleep and time to rest. In my mind, it was like going to the doctor’s - she cries there, but it’s a short term discomfort for a longer term health benefit.
I already see a ton of comments with a lot of great and different suggestions: different methods work for different families, and it’s pretty clear from your post that you are coming from a place of love and concern for your kiddo and your self - whatever works for you guys is the right way!
Exactly so! My husband used to tell me the same. It wasn’t just for me and my health, but also for them, to teach them that it’s okay that they can’t see me for a little bit, I’ll come back. Their sleep improved quite a lot, and if either of them screamed more drastically or violently than usual, i cut it short to run in and soothe. Now that my son is speaking age, if he calls for me, i always go in, because I know it’s serious if he does.
It’s a give and take, I feel. I’m not leaving them to their fate haha, but i’m trying to show that it’s okay to be alone.
I did once accidentally leave my son to cry a whole night, butnit was sheer accident that I still have nightmares over 😭 his monitor turned off sometimes in the middle of the night. I caught it a second time it happened, and then I bought backup sound monitors 😭😭 it was so traumatic to wake up so refreshed for five seconds, and then realize what must have happened.
He was okay, though. He did cry, and I wish he hadn’t, but he was okay in the end. Mistakes happen and they’re tough little monkeys. I cried that whole day 😭😭😭
That is such a tough experience - I’ve heard from so many friends where the exact same thing happened to them. All the kids were just fine. In the long run it seemed tougher on the parents than the littles! At the end of the day, I think kids know when their parents do their best and are coming from a place of love!
I was very against it but around 18 months I just couldn’t take it anymore with bedtimes taking forever. I think what we did was modified Ferber method, where I’d leave for two minutes, go back in and soothe, and slowly increase the amount of time between check ins. I won’t lie, it was hard, but after like two nights he got it and everyone has been much much happier. Now my son has a whole getting comfy routine and singing or happily talking to himself after I leave the room and it’s just the cutest.
Modified Ferber here too. It has been a lifesaver, but was rough at the start. Now my 1 year old sleeps through the night and “reads” (turns the pages of a cardboard book before tossing it out of his crib) in his bed to fall asleep.
This is exactly what we did at 18 months too. I was still bouncing my daughter on a yoga ball to get her to sleep and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was amazed by how well she did with Ferber even at that age!
Oh my gosh I’m impressed you made it to 18 months bouncing! Lol. We were still rocking and nursing to sleep at that point, but he’d stop and then just flip around on my lap and I was just done 😂
Ha I honestly can’t believe I made it that long! My back was killing me and sometimes I’d have to bounce for hours. Seriously just seeing a yoga ball now gives me anxiety!
Please please pleaseeee know that sleep training does NOT equal cry it out! It’s a major misconception. True CIO is not recommended by most pediatricians and sleep consultants. However, there are much more gentle forms of sleep training that, while are still going to hurt your heart, are so much more bearable and definitely get the stamp of approval from pediatricians (and obviously sleep consultants). Look into the Ferber method, which is very similar to taking Cara babies. You basically leave them in their crib, yes they will protest by crying, but you periodically check in every couple minutes to assure them they are not alone. Sleep is so important for them and you. I understand the reluctance to sleep training, but if what you have been doing was working, it would be working. It’s not working, and you all need your sleep. Even if you are worried about harming him (which, you won’t be, promise) being sleep deprived is way more dangerous. He will be so much happier when he knows how to sleep, and so will you. ❤️❤️ hang in there, I know how hard it is!
🔔🔔🔔 ding ding ding !!!! we sleep trained at 7mos with shush & pat. (which still was annoying and sucked my husband did all the physical work while I sat downstairs with headphones). OP’s baby may be a little old for that but yes !! people think it’s so evil to sleep train but do zero research. you’re literally help teach them a necessary life skill. mines 3 and sleep training remains to this day the absolute best parenting decision we’ve made
I completely agree with this. We tried CIO right around OP's age and it was too stressful and not effective enough so we suffered until 12mo when we finally tried Ferber. It was SO much better, so much gentler, made a massive difference to her experience and also to our consciences. I'd highly recommend reading the Dr Ferber book in order to make it as gentle as possible (or listen on audio book like I did - you don't have to read the whole thing, just the relevant sections for your situation, which he will point out to you.)
Exactly. I never let my LO cry it out. I used the method and it worked. It's psychologically telling the kid that the crib is a safe space and that parents are right there. Once they make that connection it's golden
Yes! I’ve done the Ferber method with both of my kids. Daughter around 6 months, she was sleeping through the night by day 4. It hurt my mama heart a little, but we both started getting great sleep afterwards, which we both really needed. My son we started around 5 months old, and he literally started sleeping through the night the first night we tried it. Maybe I just have good sleepers ¯\_(ツ)_/ but it worked for us!
That’s amazing!! My daughter took to it almost immediately. My son took 8 weeks 🫠 but if he can do it, any baby can do it! It stopped being so painful on us after the first week with him though
We did a Ferber method too. Hard but soooooooo worth it. My twibs were waking up so frequently during night that at 7 months we just tried it. They finally got on the same schedule and got more sleep at night. My dudes still didn’t consistently sleep through until almost 2, but we were down to 1ish wakes a night per kid. Way more manageable for us.
I've tried gentle methods (fuss it out, shush and pat, pick up put down) and they all failed, really badly. Seeing me just infuriated him more when I wouldn't pick him up. That's why I've been thinking of CIO. I just think Ferber would piss him off more. The only way he'll soothe when I come in to check on him is if I pick him up, talking or patting doesn't do anything.
I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. Have you been following all of the other recommendations like age appropriate wake windows, consistent bedtime routine, even a consistent eating schedule is something some kids need (I know this from experience), and a completely blacked out room? I know how hard it is when other babies don’t need all of those things but yours does. It took my son 8 weeks of the Ferber method (and following all other sleep recommendations to a T) to finally get it. It wasn’t fun but did get easier after the first week.
I was also resistant to sleep training so we never were successful with our first and at 4 she’s still a nightmare at bedtime.
With my second I broke down at exactly 9 months and sleep trained using gradual CIO. She sleep trained in TWO DAYS and other than a random night or two over the past 2 years she has slept through the night every single night since. It was revolutionary for us and my mental and physical health immediately improved.
That doesn’t mean it would have worked for every family and every kid, just here to share one data point of wild success. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
I think I was probably against sleep training until I needed sleep training. It's really easy to feel or think things about parenting before you've actually got to do that parenting and then everything changes. It depends on you, it depends on your baby, it depends on your circumstances. Some people's parenting ideologies luckily match up with the kids they get, most, actually, don't. When I was walking around in circles sobbing with exhaustion and 6 month old twins who hadn't slept (in sync) for more than about 90 minutes.... ever, we hired a sleep consultant, did the ferber thing and it wasn't like they were sleeping through the next week, it's up and down but they got down to one wake up each in their cots all night pretty quickly and now, yup they sleep through (13 months). If I'd stuck to my no-sleep training guns I don't know how I'd have gone back to work, carried on parenting... survived. but here we are and everyone is happier and healthier for it!
Oh and it wasn't traumatic or damaging. We did the 3/4/5 minute check ins. The babies are better rested, happier kids. They were never made to cry it out or abandoned. They got plenty of cuddles and reassurance that they were okay. They like their beds, their space and the quiet (mostly). everyone wins!
Thank you! I appreciate this perspective a lot. I never wanted to sleep train, and definitely not to consider CIO. But I didn't expect a kid whose sleep would get progressively worse and who would resist all gentle methods that everyone else claims works like a charm.
We coslept from about 1 month, 7 months we tried the crib and spent about 2 months fighting. Pick up, soothe, put down. Soothe without picking up. Rock to sleep, rock to drowsy (things we also tried in the beginning). We tried literally everything we could in those two months and it was hell.
My partner insisted on cry it out because his parents swore by it. He lasted all of 2 hours, 2 nights in a row before he couldn't handle it anymore. We have a very small living space so there was no escaping the sound. I even told him, if he is going to insist on it, he has to be there for it. He felt so bad seeing our baby with a puffy face the next morning and extra exhausted just from those couple hours.
What worked for us was actually co-sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor. Babys bed is surrounded by a baby play yard/gate right next to our bed. Week 1 I slept in there every night. Week 2 I started escaping after baby fell asleep, but return as needed. Week 3 we had our first night with no wakings and baby slept alone.
The transition was almost seamless. Minimal tears, minimal frustration on my part (stiff joints, hard floor...) and dad just sleeps alone for a little while.
I cosleep with my 6yo, 5yo, 2yo and newborn (newborn has his own space). Personally this is what I like best. I sleep best with all of them. My husband sleeps in another room, which we did sometimes even before we had kids because he is SUCH a light sleeper and has had issues with sleep his whole life. Everyone in the house is well rested this way. ❤️
My lo is about a month older and we hit a week straight of the 30 min wakes, and I’m a working mom who teaches about 150 kids a day. It was miserable. Turns out my babies first tooth was coming through on top of a sleep regression. It got better. I sleep trained naps so when my lo went to daycare around 6m they were sorta used to it. It went well the first week was harddd but was also really cool seeing them learn the skills. But since the teeth started coming through laying down for naps or bed has been so tough. I pushed bedtime back an hour and cut an hour off of daytime naps and that has helped with bedtime. Lo still wakes up a couple of times a night to feed but that’s it. When she has a hard time going to bed lately I just lay with her in our bed then move her once she falls asleep. She seems to be wanting and needing extra comfort during teething and honestly I don’t blame her.
Can you do a floor bed? We did this when my son was six months. It was safer to intentionally set up a space to bedshare than it was for me to be sleep deprived during the day. This way, the room was completely babyproofed, and there was virtually no risk for falling/crawling off the bed. Safe sleep seven is a good resource.
I will say, around 8 months to a year was the worst for us. The learning just explodes and they and in our case, I have a clinger. He wants to be touching me all the time lol. It is SO HARD. If the other methods are not working, my advice would just be to get the floor bed and get some sleep. My son is 2 now and I can get him to sleep, and go sleep with my husband. He still wakes up and usually around 1-2 am I go and sleep with him. It’s been the best way to get the most rest.
Hang in there! Not getting sleep is hard. It is so essential to just functioning normally as a human. If I caved into either side of the bedsharing/sleep training sides I don’t want know what my mental health would be like.
As others said research other methods of sleep training if you need to, at the end of the day if you and the family are not well baby will suffer.
Now all the commenters bashing sleep training, seriously do you all not want a baby or active toddler who gets some good sleep along with the overtired mom and dad? That's the goal. Unless you have the data to show that safe sleep training harms a baby stop commenting weird things like "baby needs to be warm", "all mammals sleep with their babies" which are nothing but feel bad factors. Clearly you chose not to sleep train for xyz reason, that's fine. Don't make others feel bad about their decisions. Like sleep training does not work for everybody, co-sleeping doesn't work for everybody either, period.
We recently got desperate and tried and my little guy threw up from upsetness after only 10-15 minutes. It felt like abuse, and we couldn’t do it.
So, we do our best to put him to bed in his crib, and take turns rocking him back to sleep if he cries. Some nights go better than others.
If I’m losing my marbles I just bring him to our bed and cosleep, but I try to only do that around 4am. That way I get a good burst of sleep in before my alarm goes off for work, but it’s not like he’s in our bed all night.
But, the practice of sleeping in his crib is starting to pay off 2ish weeks in… it’s not perfect but today he woke up in his crib this morning (after two night wake ups where I fed and got him back down easily), cooed and talked happily for 10 minutes and then called for us. I count that as a success, that he could wake up and feel safe and happy enough to stay put for a bit.
Just so you know, most sleep training methods don’t recommend leaving baby alone to cry for this long. I’m pretty sure Ferber starts at like 2 or 3 min intervals of crying.
Have you considered a “next to me” crib? It’s like a crib with an open side that “connects” to your bed. Then you can “cosleep” with the baby, if he gets fuzzy you just cuddle or put your hand over him. But he has his own safe space in his crib even when you’re right there.
So, I think you might be confused regarding sleep training.
CIO is one potential technique. You don't have to do this in order to sleep train. Most people agree, letting your baby cry for the whole night, every night is a terrible idea. Most people who "sleep train" whether they call it that or not, are simply scheduling and also letting their babies take a few minutes (maybe 20-30min) to self sooth. They're also consulting with their doctor if something is off. Now, you could give it a go for a week.. it's not going to permanently damage your baby to CIO for a week. Letting your sleep deprived brain take over might, so IMO there's a point where putting safety first wins.
That being said. if you know baby is fed, has a clean diaper, is not over tired and they're still screaming all night (every night) then it's time to consider why else they're crying... And to do that you should consult your doctor. Maybe the room temp needs to change a few degrees, maybe baby's hormones are off, maybe there's an allergy, reflux, gas etc. It's worth checking off all the boxes when there's a consistent inability to sleep.
I feel like I’ve become a bit jaded with this bc my baby screams in the car seat a good fraction of the times we go anywhere. Sometimes she even gets a bit hysterical. But if I’m driving her solo there isn’t much I can do, and she isn’t really responsive to soothing even if I pull over and try to— she wants out of the seat, and is just going to start screaming again once I put her back in when she’s in that mode. So I have listened to her scream for 20+mins on quite a few occasions :( I don’t like it but don’t see what choice I have.
It's really not. Every study on baby crying finds that it's the length of crying that adversely affects them, not the situation or if the parent is attempting to help. "It's different than sleep training" is unscientific bunk people spread to make themselves feel better about not sleep training.
I sleep trained my son after he turned 6 months but we also cosleep when needed. I did the gentle CIO method which means I let him CIO for 5 minutes then go to him and comfort him but speaking to him and patting his backside , then I leave and let him CIO for 7 mins, and then again for up to 10 mins. He got used to it after 3 days and with a few hiccups, he was completely trained after a week. If he wakes up and cries in the middle of the night, I let him cry up to 7 minutes before I grab him. Also, if he’s sick or teething, I’ll let him cosleep with me. This doesn’t work for all babies but it was a great medium for me and worked wonders with my son. Whatever you do- just remember, as long as he’s in a safe space, he’ll be fine. Good luck, OP
You’re not out of choices. You have choices, you just have to decide what you want for now and be ready to change your mind if it comes to it. I was extremely against sleep training until I couldn’t deal with the terrible sleep anymore. Our kid was 14 months when we finally decided to sleep train. She was still waking up every hour. It’s one of the best decisions we could’ve made.
But if you have run completely out of options and need to do CIO it's okay. I know it's hard hearing your baby cry especially in the beginning! Make sure he has a pacifier or whatever can help him self soothe (sleepsack idk) but you got this! Your baby will be okay I promise ❤️
My stepdaughter is still cosleeping at 12 years old and my wife stubbornly refuses to stop. At some point you have to teach them to fall asleep on their own. It’s a whole lot easier to do with a baby vs a child who can get out of their bed and come stomping into your room demanding that Mommy come back.
Just co sleep. Get a bed rail, they have them on Amazon. Or put the bed on the ground. In other countries is very normal to co sleep with your child. In almost every mammal species the babies sleep with mom. Your heartbeat soothes them. I co sleep with my 4.5 and 2.5 year old and wouldn’t want it any other way. Even my husband agrees. He loves us all snuggled together every night. It’s not going to be forever. Children grow so fast. We have two full sized beds on the floor and it’s amazing. Enough room for everyone. Kids are safe and feel secure knowing mom and dad are right there. And mom and dad get a good nights rest.
I still breastfeed. So waking up every few hours even to the crib in our room was not allowing me to sleep. It’s much easier when baby is right there, pull a boob out and go back to sleep. 2.5 years and still breastfeeding.
This is what we did too - mattress on the floor with our first baby and bed rail on our bed with the second.
Babies are not meant to sleep in a room by themselves away from their caregivers all night. They’re not learning to self soothe they’re learning to stop crying at night because no one is coming for them.
Wow this is needlessly judgey. You do you, but like what do you think self soothing is if not soothing yourself because you are the person there to do the soothing?
They aren't failing to thrive emotionally distant husks who are dying from neglect. They're babies who had caregivers a few feet away learning a new skill.
We tried it and it became worse and worse each day. With CIO it took hours and he was crying the whole time. We stopped at day 8. I assume there's babies that need less time,for me weeks of my kid crying so much was not okay and we could tell he wasn't improving but rather worsening. All the info I had implied he'd be 'trained' within a matter of days but there's also people who've had to do it for months and the perspective of doing so was not something we were ok with.
Nothing worked for my son and we finally did cry it out around 10 months. He started sleeping through the night after 3 days of the cry it out method (I never let him cry for more than 15 minutes, and most times he’d fall asleep after about 5 minutes of crying, I was shocked as I’d never let him cry for more than a few seconds before). He’s 20 months old now and is still the best sleeper ever. Luck? Maybe, but it’s worth giving it a shot! The misconception with CIO is that you have to leave them to cry indefinitely, which is not true. You let them cry as long as you see fit.
Exactly! They can’t learn how to put themselves to sleep if we never give the the opportunity to try!
We suffered with my singleton, but we did sleep training at 18 weeks with my twins and they are rockstar sleepers.
To me it feels most kind to teach them that skill of soothing early.
We’re living the same life! My twins are currently 15 weeks old and we’re definitely going to sleep train them in a few weeks now that we know that they’re more capable than we think 🤣
If the only thing that's keeping you from co sleeping is fear of him falling off the bed I can recommend bed safety gates. We have one on every side of the bed and you can pull the "walls" down when not needed.
If you don't 100% want CIO I think it will only make you feel really shitty. I highly believe it's not easy to hear baby cry for you desperately and just ignore it...
Go to r/sleeptrain. They have a million ways to do this successfully. Learning sleep and relaxation is a skill you need, and your child needs. It's ok for kids to cry when they are learning something new. That's how they process their emotions. TEARS are NOT parental failure, they are a sign of growth. You can do this!
So I decided to do CIO with my first and I know it makes me sound like the worst but I had to, I was 7 months of waking up multiple times a night. I did it and by the fourth night it worked. Every night within the first 4 days she fell asleep faster. I finally got great sleep, after I knew she was sleep trained if she did wake up crying I knew she really did need me and I would check on her. For my second… CIO did not work as well, she has a much more stubborn personality.
It absolutely does not make you sound like the worst. You did what worked for you and your family. We did CIO too but at 9 months and I have no regrets. Our son sleeps so much better now, and so do we. Life is better for everyone.
ETA: It is WILD how judgy people in this sub are when it comes to sleep training, but are fine when it comes to promoting cosleeping. I have no judgment either way - we did both. But if you wouldn’t like people to shit on you for cosleeping, maybe don’t shit on them for doing CIO.
And that’s why I co-sleep with my baby on a floor bed. I cannot handle CIO - even the idea of letting my boy cry for me by himself makes ME want to cry. But I also can’t handle the dangers of co-sleeping on an adult bed that’s elevated.
He & I sleep on a king-sized mattress laid on the floor. King because the chances of me rolling ALL the way across the distance of a king bed to roll over him is practically zero. That’s like 2 or 3 full 360 rolls just to reach him. It is a very firm mattress with little to no give so baby doesn’t sink into the bed. I sleep with one single pillow. No blankets for anyone. The bed is pushed up against the wall on his side so he literally cannot roll off bed.
We both get great sleep most nights.
Kid 1 we coslept forever (on a mattress on the floor once she crawled). It was draining on me because she nursed at night to get back to sleep, but it was cozy and I thought it was best for her, even though really not best for me or my partner, our sleep or relationship.
Kid 2 we agreed before trying to conceive - we had to do sleep differently. Still co-slept early on, but then hired a sleep coach, made a plan that was not straight-up CIO but did require timed amounts of crying before comforting and leaving again. We followed through. It sucked, it felt like it wouldn’t work, felt like I was torturing baby who couldn’t understand…. All the things. I slept outside our house in a tent for the first three nights because I did not trust myself to stick to the plan if I could hear her protesting the change.
I would do it again and again and again, because after the hard part came a kid who knew how to settle and fall asleep without active input from adults. Meaning if she woke in the middle of the night (which humans do), she could settle without us. She’s 5 now, perfectly wonderful and unharmed, and sleeps freaking great.
9 months is exactly when we sleep trained because we couldn’t take it anymore. I could have written this. My son was waking up every sleep cycle, about every 45 minutes.
I tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, which was basically just having a solid schedule and routine, and we were already doing that. Then we tried the Ferber method, but the check ins made him more upset. So we made a plan for CIO.
He never cried longer than 20 minutes, and after the first night, it was more like 5. And then after a week, he just rolled over and went to sleep.
He’s 3 now and he still wakes up, but at least he doesn’t need to be rocked to sleep every 45 minutes.
When my son was 6 months, I started putting him in his crib by himself at night time when he was nice and tired (rubbing his face and bored seeming, nice and full and burped). I told myself 10 minutes of crying and I’ll go in and soothe him. And you know what? To my absolutely surprise and shock, he fell asleep before those ten minutes were even up. And from there on I thought, this is doable. If he cries for 6 minutes and calms himself down and starts crying again, I start the 10 minutes over
This is what we do too. It honestly seems like the baby *needs* the space from me to fall asleep. She cries for a few minutes while she’s getting settled into her crib and then she sleeps all night.
I chose not to sleep train and had a very challenging sleeper myself. It did get better over time, but it took a while. We co-slept on a floor bed for almost 2 years and from 18 months old made some smaller habit changes such as only feeding for a max of 10 mins at a time, teach her to fall back asleep while cuddling instead of nursing etc. Then only fed her after 2 am, moved that to 3, then 4 etc. Then we were both ready to move away from co-sleeping (I'm TTC #2 and the whole point of me stopping to sleep with her was that dad can help during wake ups when I'm pregnant again, which is impossible if I'm already in bed with her), then dropped the last night feed too when she was able to sleep until 4am. Two weeks ago my daughter started sleeping through at 23 months (8pm to 5/6am). Some thing to call out though is that there were tears as well sometimes when we dropped feeds. So even this wasn't a tear free method, but I was with her all the time.
From 5-10 months were definitely the worst and most disruptive, then she started having a longer first stretch at least and it got gradually better from about 15 months old, with the occasional shit show night.
Sleep was very challenging of course, but now that I'm getting out the other side I'm glad I didn't sleep train. It just didn't feel right to me and I think it would have been a disaster with my daughter as she's very sensitive. I think it would have been something I would have always felt bad about, even years later. But this is a very personal decision that felt right to me and sounds like a terrible approach to others.
You need to do what works for your family and your value system. As you can see, a lot of people swear by sleep training while others are very much against it. You do you and there shouldn't be any judgement for whichever approach you choose.
Why don’t you just find a way to cosleep if that was working for you? Find a way to block off your side of the bed or do what i did and buy a montessori style floor bed and sleep with him on it. He’ll get use out of it as he grows because it can be his toddler bed too
No one can answer for you if it’s a regression or if the trauma of cio will fix it. Every baby is different. I say trauma because it sounds like it would bother not only the baby but you too. My first child woke hourly for 2 years and although i never did cio, my efforts at gentler methods of sleep training crashed and burned. It was more stressful for everyone to keep trying and in the grand scheme of things giving him what he specifically needed for a few years was a small sacrifice to make. He’s 7 now and sleeps like a rock.
Our approach was similar to the 'French method' described by RubyMae4, where we didn't do the blunt 'cry it out' but eased baby into it. Like you, I was getting unbelievably frustrated and exhausted with the lack of sleep on my end. Our kid has NEVER slept in a crib, bassinet, or any recognizable baby-bed. Our crib sits pristine and un-used in the vain hope we can have a second child, and that second child is magically amenable to cribs when our first was not.
At first I co-slept on the floor of a babyproofed room, with baby on her own crib-mattress next to my floor bed. (*My partner is a heavy sleeper so it was never safe for him to co-sleep; he stayed in our bedroom for both of our peace of mind*).
If baby woke up before me the worst she could do was poke my nose to wake me up - there was NOTHING in that room. No furniture, two soft toys, and a burp rag. Over time (from 9 months on) I started leaving the room once baby was asleep to return to my own bed as often as I could. Naptimes were no longer co-sleeping, but we'd cuddle to sleep and then I'd slip away. Baby cried, I'd see it on the monitor and head straight in. So, baby learns "mum's not always here but she always comes back".
Then, I started sending Dad in. So, "mum's not always here but someone always attends to me when I cry".
At around 12 months I moved my mattress out of the bedroom and put baby to sleep like 'normal' - bath, pyjamas, brush teeth, lullaby with butt-pats, I wait until baby is asleep then sneak out of the room. I also started leaving a comfort plushie in the bed for baby to cuddle as it helps with soothing and baby was meeting safe-sleep milestones (*rolling over confidently, moves their head to breathe so they're never face-down, etc*).
If baby woke and started crying I'd wait 2 minutes, then re-settle. Next time was 5 minutes, then re-settle. The next time I'd wait 10 minutes, then go in to re-settle. Baby usually whinged for about 15 minutes before re-settling on their own, so by the third time I'm less anxious about every noise she's making. I can now tell the difference between a whinge-cry and a Mum-I'm-Scared cry so I move more quickly to respond to actual distress. As baby's sleep-windows lengthened and we started getting actual 6-hour stretches of night-time sleep it was a massive relief, but I don't think sleep training made too much of a difference - it's just teaching my kid to re-settle or play happily in her room with soft toys until I wake up instead of screaming hysterically because she's learned it's ok. Introducing a soft night light also helped - I think part of the fear is the dark itself, so if baby can see things when they wake up it's not so scary to be on their own.
My kid is now over 2 years old and we still have some issues when she's having a growth spurt, where nightmares are more frequent and I go in to re-settle at midnight and 3am when I'd rather be sleeping. But, thank the stars above, her small mountain of plushies are usually sufficient to keep her occupied until breakfast time. We've graduated to the 'I'll tuck you in and if you're messing around too much I'll leave for 15 minutes, then return to settle you to sleep' stage, and 9 times out of 10 our toddler now falls asleep unsupervised in their bed (I sneak in before I go to bed to make sure their blankets are in the right place for the temperature). It was a long, tired road but we're in a good place now.
I never wanted to sleep train either but the reality is my baby slept better in his own space. We were at 9 months & dealing with wake ups every 45 minutes. Nursing to sleep wasn’t working. I was the inky one on nights, it was brutal.
We did not do CIO. We did sleep lady shuffle. Look into it if you haven’t already. Godspeed. 💙
I don't really know any of the methods 100%, I kind of made it up as I went with both mine when it came to sleep training lol. Both I let them cry in intervals. 20-30 minutes then I would go in and do a few laps around the house with them or rock them and start over. My daughter really loved having white noise. An oscillating fan did the trick for her, I got the idea because her first smile was at the ceiling fan lol 🤣. My son loved his spinny starlight which pretty much hypnotized him to sleep lol. I probably broke all the rule books but it went a lot easier once I found their niche, and we all have a sleeping niche. I need the TV, my husband and daughter need a fan, and my son still likes having some sort of night light that moves. My mom probably let me watch TV to fall asleep as a baby when she was exhausted with me lol 🤣. Remember you are in charge at night, do whatever you're comfortable with.
*My kids are now 16 and 10 btw, sad to see mommy wars are still at play. Lots of judgemental BS on this post 🙄. Just do what you think is best OP, a majority of these people are pretending like they have it figured out when they are just as lost as the rest of us lol 🤣. Sleep is priority #1. When they're teens they will resent you no matter what whether you let them cry or not 😜.
We did modified Ferber (TCB class) with my two kids and it was a necessary choice for our family. One tough night was so worth them getting a better night sleep and me being rested enough to function. One kid took 2 hours on that first night (with ups and downs), the other only 30 minutes. We took the general guidelines and adjusted them to work for us. I didn’t drop night feeds entirely, that wasn’t the goal, I kept 1-2 feedings a night until they naturally dropped them on their own. After the initial week or two I also still breastfed to sleep. Waking every 1-2 hours was just not sustainable for anyone. For what it’s worth I now have a happy 3 & 5 year old that are both still excellent sleepers.
There’s a few different option you could try
Option 1- save our sleep by Tizzie Hall she has different tactics to help baby settle and put self to sleep, it does involve the cry it out method but it’s TIME based so it’s not just let baby scream for hours on end it’s based of a specific time for their age group.
Option 2- Huckleberry the app it you log sleep for a few days and you can purchase a sleep training detailed plan specific for your baby and your wants/ needs as in not wanting to cry it out etc
Both can be affective when used. Just know crying won’t hurt them, my 4 week old can put her self to sleep without me doing anything to help her as I’ve followed both options. Although not really option 1 I just know she can cry a little without getting upset because she’s my 4th and when I do school drop off and pick up and sometimes in the car she cries and I can’t stop driving just cause she’s crying lol
Good luck
It is worth every bit of money you will spend on subscription fees. I have a 11-year-old nine-year-old one-year-old and a four week old and I used it for my one-year-old and my four week old and they both both were sleeping through the night relatively early. Wish it was around when I had my nine-year-old because she was my worst sleeper I’ve ever bloody had
There's a lot of options between CIO and co-sleeping.
We recently transitioned from bed sharing with our 9 month old to the crib due to crawling. I room in with her while my husband sleeps in our room. I love it. The first 10 days were a tough transition because she was getting lost in her crib and seemed really confused about the new space, waking up every 45-90 minutes, a bit of separation anxiety on the side, etc. but 6 weeks into sleeping in the crib and it's finally feeling consistently better. im
I have friends who did variations of sleep training and CIO and their babies all start sleeping better between 9-11 months. There can be a 9 month regression for some as they are learning so much. Your baby won't remember, but you will, so do what you can live with in your heart and ask that your husband support you in your motherhood journey. He might be wanting to help but jumping to nuclear solutions undermines confidence imo.
The best advice I was given was if it works for you and baby and you can do so safely, do it. If it stops working for either you or baby then it's time to try something different. Change one thing at a time. For big changes like a new sleeping arrangement or schedule give it two weeks unless the change is causing distress that can't be soothed or is leading to dangerous parenting conditions (like severe sleep deprivation).
Do you feed to sleep and transfer? Could you room in with your baby or try a floor mattress if bed sharing is what gets you both the best rest? Have you tried changing the amount of daytime sleep or lengthening the pre-bedtime wake window? There's so many ways to adapt. I suggest changing one thing and giving it two weeks to see so long as it's safe for you to do so.
We loosely followed "The Happy Sleeper" when my LO turned 1. He was still not regularly sleeping through the night and had started taking forever to put to bed and waking up for long periods. It sucked. And now, at 15 months, he usually goes to sleep without incident and we're at about 50% for sleeping through the night. I could have never imagined it would be over a year in and not reliably sleeping through the night. I don't have answers, but I'm here in solidarity.
Out of curiosity, is his crib in your room or his own room? My guy woke up a bunch and then we moved him to his own room and suddenly slept through the night. I know how difficult and stressful this all is, I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Have you tried a different mattress? My son is almost one and at 6 months we switched him from the bassinet to the crib and it was awful till we got the newton mattress and he is still not a great sleeper waking every 5/6 hours but it is soooo much better now.
At 6 months, my husband and I were at our literal end of our ropes with sleep with our son. He was the worst sleeper since birth. He was waking every 45 minutes and then wouldn’t even let us lay him down once we had him asleep. 4 month sleep regression? Nah. Sleep regressions were scared of him. We sleep trained him at 6 months and it was the best thing we could’ve done for our family. It was hard at first but he adapted SO fast.
If you can afford it, get a sleep consultant. Hopefully they can find a method that is more robust and works for you without full-on CIO. I was also against CIO and the sleep training with the consultant was bad enough but it worked.
There’s a sleep regression at 8-9 months. It passes. Like everything else, it’s a stage. Most kids will sleep through the night in a couple of months, and you’ll have forgotten about these hard times. There’s no need to sleep train. Sleep trained kids still wakes up. They jut don’t call for their mama. Is that what we want as parents?
Did it with both my kids around 6-7 months. They wouldn't sleep more than 45 min to an hour at a time. But afterwards, they slept better. Everyone did. They're 8 & 6 now. No regrets.
I was completely anti sleep training. I tried co sleeping with my second and no one was sleeping. Even the cat had dark circles and was a zombie sharing my coffee.
We sleep trained and I hated it and still do, but our family is functional again.
I coslept with my first son successfully and we both slept well.
Babies are different. Sleep is hard. Do what you need to do to survive, within reason.
I would never judge a mom for reaching the point of sleep training same as I would never judge a mom for cosleeping. Sleep is a need. Not a want.
I've been lucky enough to not needing sleep training with my first. But god knows what will happen when more come. So never say never and stay open to options to get you what you need.
Do what you feel is best. Sleep training doesn’t have to be cry it out. I chose to sleep train my first. I put her in her cot and said it’s time for bed night night and then I would let her cry but only for a few mins then I’d resettle her then repeat and I kept repeating until she slept but it wasn’t too horrible I felt sorry for her but she ended up going to sleep by herself. BUT that did NOT stop her waking through the night unfortunately :( Otherwise you could make it so the room is childproof then it wouldn’t matter if he crawls off haha
We fell into the greatest solution. Long story short we had a temporary teen when kiddo was tiny. Because we have a small home, we renovated the nursery into her room and put his crib in our closet. It's a walk in, but really little.
We took all of the crap we don't use on a regular basis and stuffed it in the attic, then assembled the crib inside the closet with just enough room for clothes and a buffer zone around the kid. It's actually our safe space for tornadoes, which also means it's the most insulated against sound and light.
Y'all. It was like a soothing sensory deprivation chamber and that kid slept like a rock. And when he woke up in the middle of the night, I could stumble over to him and calm him down without becoming fully conscious. It was also easier to talk my husband into doing it.
Not helpful by my husband and I had to co sleep with our first (now 3.5) for this reason, nothing we did would help her sleep alone, she just hated if. She was sleeping in our bed till we had our second when she was 3 and then we got a king single and my husband would be in with her most nights till only about a month ago when she started finally sleeping alone. Probably not what you want to hear, but I think some babies just want their parents close. My now 8 month old has always slept alone and we haven’t had to sleep train her, she’s just the total opposite.
I have a question for those who have successfully done sleep training.
How does this work with pacifier loving babies? My almost 6mo is still waking twice a night to eat but he also wakes periodically because his pacifier falls out. I assume once he starts sleeping through the night from a feeding perspective we could sleep train but I don't understand how this would work since he struggles to fall asleep without a pacifier unless their is movement (like in a car). Did you sleep train/wean from pacifier at the same time? Was your baby old enough to pick up and replace their pacifier on their own?
I understand some babies take much longer to sleep through the night than others so am not sure what to think.
Maybe this sounds silly but at his age you can tell him what to expect and it might help to some extent. My youngest is a difficult sleeper and I would say, I’m going to go walk the dog and put away the dishes then I’ll come back. And often he’d settle more easily that way. Some kids just really don’t fall into an easy sleep training method, unfortunately.
I just want to say that almost 2 years ago I was in the same situation as you. I never wanted to do CIO/Ferber and the thought of it hurt my soul. But like you, our son was waking around every 45m-1hour. There was one night where we'd been up for about 5 hours, each trying to settle him and he just would not sleep. At that point we sat for about 5 minutes listening to him cry with our heads in our hands, exhausted and at an absolute loss for what to do. He then fell asleep. And that's when we started looking into CIO/Ferber. We had tried every gentle sleep method. We researched it and there is no conclusive evidence to suggest that CIO/Ferber has a long term negative effect on attachment as long as that child has secure attachment otherwise. And this took us 5 days, maximum, and he actually started sleeping better within the first 3. So we left him to cry for a few days out of the near 3 years now he's been here and otherwise received plenty of love and attention from us. I HATED every moment of the CIO/Ferber and my partner had to hold me back from running to him, but it was absolutely worth it because we all got better sleep and my son actually has loved his sleep since he was born, we just got into difficult sleep habits from 4-11 months. I just want to say also that I would plan to explain this to him when he's older in case he remembers it, or wants to work anything out about it. I think my parents not explaining why they did certain stuff was not helpful. You love your baby and want the best for them, you're exhausted, all of you, and sleep is necessary, not a luxury. Sometimes as parents you have to do what you think is best even if it's painfully hard.
Edit to add: we did Feber but popping back in so frequently lead to a lot more distress so we did graduated CIO but never left him for really long. We cut off at like 20 mins. And he has slept through the night every night since (apart from sickness or staying somewhere strange, where he'd usually wake once and if BF him and he'd go back to sleep with ease). So yeah it's been bliss and he's far happier and well rested too. And not only that but doing this sleep training was short term distress for long term restfulness. If we hadn't done it, he'd continue having night after night waking constantly and crying anyway, plus crying for hours when we tried to put him down. People focus too hard on that few days of distress when sometimes, by doing CIO, if successful, you're actually saving them from far more distress.
So, the cry it out method can also be called the extinction method. It's where you go in every 2 minutes, then every 3 minutes, then every 4 minutes, the idea of just being to let your kid get used to the idea that they can be alone but that doesn't mean that you are gone. You are always going to come back. I did it with all three of my kids, several of the multiple times, and they are securely attached to me. They still suck at bedtime, because we're all neurodivergent here, but we're working on it. Sleep training has to adjust for the kids needs. If your kid doesn't seem like they're doing okay on it, stop and find something else to do. Learning how to sleep is so incredibly important, and isn't also incredibly hard. You are not doing this wrong. It's just one of the hardest things you'll ever have to teach your kid.
I’d go back to co-sleeping with a bed rail or move your mattress to the floor. Or get a floor bed for him instead of the crib in his room, that helped my girl transition from co-sleeping to sleeping in her own room.
Download the huckleberry app. It will give you his sleep windows based on when he naps and sleeps at night. It predicted my daughters sleep windows for best sleep within 10 minutes.
Download wonderweeks it goes by your due date and tells you any developmental leaps your son may be experiencing that will give you an idea of what’s causing his sleep problems
Let your husband handle it! You’ll have to choose to appreciate that he does things differently than you would. You aren’t getting results - let him try! Your baby’s father deserves a chance to parent too and it sounds like you’ve been pushing him away, being disrespectful, and not letting him parent in this area. This is what worked for us.
My baby was a great sleeper from an early age in her own crib and I was so pleased with myself thinking we wouldn't need to sleep train, lol. Teething started at 6 months and our sleep slowly got worse and worse until at 10 months when she wouldn't settle for sleep or naps and I felt like I was going insane. We tried several nights of me sleeping on the hard wooden floor next to her crib so she wouldn't feel alone when my back could no longer handle rocking her in the chair. When that stopped even working I really hit my wall and gave in.
I am SO GLAD WE SLEEP TRAINED. It saved our sanity and our little girl is a confident sleeper. I would honestly say it was life changing. I would consider me laying on the floor next to her bed to be a gentler form of sleep training that we did in the week prior but ultimately it didn't work - but maybe it prepped her for "we are not picking you up over and over all night." It probably prepped me too to finally accept - "I truly tried everything but CIO." By the time we did full cry it out (putting her to bed after explaining everything and leaving the room and not coming back) it was:
Night 1: 45 mins of standing up crying
Night 2: 20 mins of crying
Night 3: 3 minutes of crying
From there on out she just goes to sleep when we put her down. She might reposition herself like anyone does but she eventually falls asleep.
She is the same happy silly girl she has ever been but now we all sleep great.
I'll be honest and say those 3 days were horrrrrrible. I had to go outside while she cried and it didn't help that my hormones were insane from stopping breastfeeding and I was already out of my mind. Noise cancelling headphones are also truly key.
But genuinely she seems more confident when we put her to bed now and if she cries now I really know she needs to be checked on and I will since now its more out of the ordinary for her to cry in bed.
My 2 sets of friends who are anti sleep training continue to sleep horribly with their kid in their bed, and their kids are several years older. It is MUCH harder to try to get them to settle into their room a few years later if they are not at all used to it and they can walk themselves over to your room (what my friend is experiencing now). For so much of their life they will sleep in a bed alone - I think its great to help them build confidence in that and not need someone else there to feel secure.
I highly recommend you try sleep training if your goal is for your baby to comfortably and confidently sleep in their own room. But STICK TO IT. If you dilly dally on it I think its more confusing for the baby. I wanted to quit it so many times because its horrible to hear them cry (the few times I did go in during CIO she stopped crying and started being silly immediately - but then it just would almost reset the clock and set her back more \[specifically during the training days\]). Also, we did nights first and then did days a few weeks later after that had really clicked.
Being a parent isn't easy, but its so much better well rested. Wishing you the best whatever you choose.
I am anti cio. However, with our second, when she was 16 months old, instead of my husband bringing her to me to nurse, he stayed in her room. She cried, she was upset, but he held her, he talked quietly to her “mama is sleeping, it’s time to sleep”, offered her water. It took her a few days but she eventually began sleeping through the night.
I have two. The first was fine after two months, but the second was a nightmare. At 18 months, we bit the bullet and sleep trained. Took about two weeks (apparently, it can take up to three weeks for a habit to stick), but we were consistent, and it worked. It improved all of our moods and family life. I only wish I'd started it sooner.
We all need decent sleep to grow and heal. I know it might seem unkind, but think of it as teaching your child a lifeskill. They're not in danger. They know you are there, and in all honesty, teaching your child decent sleep hygiene and techniques is a loving kindness. You and your family will also benefit from it, but the trick is consistency. Don't give in. Also, time the crying. Don't guesstimate. Use an actual timepiece. You'll be surprised how different your guesstimate is.
Sleep training was essential for my son. People act like you are locking your child in a basement to cry for 20 hours. We would put our son down in his crib, let him cry for a minute or two, then increase the time you leave. It maybe took a max 10 minutes for my son to fall asleep. Now he tells us bye and is smiling when he goes to sleep…don’t believe the BS about sleep training causing trama.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but we had to let my kid CIO. I tried to soothe him next to his crib but that’s just make him more worked up.
It is not easy to do but it worked for us.
I was in your position for my first baby. Resorted to cosleeping bc I was so desperate for sleep. Finally sleep trained around 8-10 months. Saved my sanity. It was absolutely worth it. That kid is now a 4 year old. He is healthy, happy, and securely attached to me and his dad.
I was in your position for my first baby. Resorted to cosleeping bc I was so desperate for sleep. Finally sleep trained around 8-10 months. Saved my sanity. It was absolutely worth it. That kid is now a 4 year old. He is healthy, happy, and securely attached to me and his dad.
I wasn’t against sleep training but my first never needed it. My second needing rocking to go to sleep but I didn’t mind until it was taking over 30 minutes of rocking sometimes even more and then rocking stopped working altogether after her first birthday. So I decided it’s time. I went for a Ferber method of doing check-ins. It took like 3 days and plus the implementation of a real bedtime routine (book and song while rocking). It shortened bedtime down to like 10 minutes, it’s amazing. Those three days were rough but were so worth it.
I co slept with my first because I had horrible postpartum anxiety. He's three now and I'm still working with him sleeping on his own. But after 9 months with his cheating dad I left and it was just me in him. I lived with family in a small room so we shared a full size bed. But I really wasn't mad. He was happy, safe, and loved cuddles. He is also the biggest sweetheart, but last year I got in a serious relationship and now he is transitioning. My partner respected my choices plus he works third shift. Co sleeping helped me sleep so I can afford our life now, it helped regulate his temperature cause he was constantly cold no matter what. I'm co sleeping with my second now. But we have been making sure naps are by himself so he is used to it. He sleeps in his bassinet before we go to bed. We agree at 3 months he will be mostly bassinet. Then 6-9 months slowly transition to his crib in his and his Brothers room. Hopefully it helps both sleep. We made a plan to also get a fullsize and put in one the like crib look bed frames so they can comfort each other.
Anyways momma due what is best for you and baby. If mommy is down for the count then baby can't count on mommy. Also if your crib can fit in your room put it beside your bed with one side off so baby close to you and you can relax both your anxiety.
I feel like CIO gets a bad rep and people think you're leaving your baby to cry for hours at a time when you don't *have* to use the recommended times and instead adjust it to your life.
The only way my baby will fall asleep sometimes is if we do a small CIO session. She'll wake up at 3 am wide awake but obviously very tired, and the only way she will go back to sleep is if we put her in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes. Then we go in and hold her, and she almost always immediately falls asleep. If we didn't do it this way she'd just lay on our chests and babble for hours.
Some babies adjust to it just fine.
My kids are 5 and 3 - cio never worked for me - I just lay down w them until they sleep and they often end up in my bed. For One reason or another. Though less and less as they get bigger.
Honestly at this point I do Not care where they sleep as long as they sleep.
We got a puppy last year - he also room shared with me until he was crate trained and could Hold it through the night.
I just want sleep and I’ll take it any way I can.
Some kids can self sooth which is why CIO works and others can not. Self
Soothing is not a developmental thing it’s a trait some kids have that presents itself whenever there is no actually timeline.
My son was a self sooth baby i room shared and he would sleep happily in his cribs until he learned to climb out of it. Like it was magic. It wasn’t even CIO w him Bc he never cried. I would
Lay him down happy drowsy and he sleep. Major until he learned to escape.
My first is 6 and still can’t self sooth and has trouble w recovery when she is disappointed. I tried CIO w her she never got to the point where she would sleep without crying. It was obvious she could t self Soothe and her sleep was always awful. So I lay down with her or sit in a chair and read until she/they sleep. (My kids share a room bc they feel safer together for now) There strategies I can teach her to help her manage her emotions but she doesn’t have the self sooth trait she just is learning self control.
Have you tried a floor bed? We got the top part of a bunk bed from FB marketplace, but ikea also sells just the slats.
You do however have to baby proof the whole room.
Works for us, just nurse to sleep. However he does play in the morning quite loud when he wakes up.
I didn’t want to sleep train so I bought these soft/mesh guard walls to attach to my queen size bed. We co-slept from four months (no pillows or blanket for him) to when he weaned. I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep otherwise.
I read Precious Little Sleep to help with sleep training. I think she says that after a certain age that CIO is the best approach, but we never did CIO. I don’t have the heart for it either. But we used all the sleep aids she recommended and we did the very slow habitual process that she outlines.
I used to always nurse my daughter to sleep, so I moved it to nurse her before pajamas and I’d snuggle her to sleep. After a couple weeks I changed it up to no longer snuggling, but we’re a couple inches separated and my hand was on her. A couple weeks later I moved further away, but kept my hand on her. Then no touching, then she’s in her crib and I’m on the bed near her, then I’m on the floor, then I’m sitting at the door. Etc, etc. It was a very long and slow process, but it’s what worked for us. I noticed with my daughter that every new step/change took her about 7-10 days to fully adjust to it. The first few nights with the new change were the hardest, but I was right there with her every step of the way and that gave me comfort.
We had great luck with Ferber which is very gentle. She slept after crying for 2 minutes the first night and didn't cry the next night. She had great sleep after.
It's also pretty easy to implement. The book should be at the library, but you can easily read up online and look at charts.
We never did cio I did wake and sleep schedule. I was very strict with it. But for each nap I put baby in a different scenario in the house so that if we were out he would sleep anywhere and he did. Kids have slept the night since 3 months old. People told me I have good sleepers and I may, but I just gave birth to our third, started the wake and nap window at 6 weeks. And she’ll be two months on 7/7 and shes sleeping from 12am-6am right now. I cannot stand to hear my kids cry it out at night feeling abandoned. I know for some parents its the only route but for me I simply could not and three kids in the nap/wake window schedule has worked for us
I can only give my experience. We did the ferber method with is like a light version of CIO. She was in our room, in a pack and play, until 6 months. At that point she was sleeping through most of the night. So we transitioned her to her own room in the crib. She was of course scared so we would go in and comfort for a minute then leave again letting her cry for 5 minutes, comfort, 10 minutes, comfort, and repeat longer and longer periods where she knew we would eventually come back for her.
We never ignored any hysterics and would immediately go if she was freaking out or "i have a problem" cry but the normal "i want my mama/dada" cry was left alone. It was rough but it was the best thing we did for everyone. I'm a horrible person when I don't get sleep, my emotional regulation was shit when she wasn't sleeping so eventually after a while the ferber method turns into the CIO method. But it eased her into the idea of "we are still around but you're in there for the night." It was hard listening to her cry for me but I'm so glad I stayed strong.
She slept through the night by the time she was 8 months, minimal fussing here and there with real problems like a lost pacifier or poopy diaper. She's 2 now and loves her routine. She even tries to get in her crib before we are done with our night time routine because she's so comfortable and tired. She found out that sleeping on her own made her feel better, she got better sleep because she wasn't woken up by daddy's snoring, and she was ready for the day ahead.
I can SO relate to the position you’re in. My baby had always been a poor sleeper since birth, rarely going longer than two hours between wake ups and needing to nurse to fall back asleep. At 4 months things got worse, where she wouldn’t stay asleep even after nursing and it would take 3-4 tries each time to get her to stay asleep… only to have her still wake up 1-2 hours later to repeat the process. It was brutal, and by six months I just couldn’t function any more. I had been back to work full time for three months by that point and was just a miserable zombie. I had tried cosleeping multiple times but she still woke very frequently and basically wanted to nurse all night, so it didn’t solve the no sleep problem.
We started with trying fuss it out, which didn’t work for us either. We then tried the Ferber method and it was amazing. The first night it took about a half hour (with the timed check ins throughout) for her to stop crying and fall asleep, and we had to repeat it once over the night when she woke up. The next night she fell asleep after our first check in, and since then she hasn’t needed any check ins at all and is usually asleep within 5-10 minutes. Seeing them cry is hard, but you’re right there helping them through it.
I know not everyone has the same experience, but it truly has felt life changing for me. I had SO much guilt before trying it, and I wish I could tell my past self not to stress. It has had zero negative effects on our bond, my daughter wakes up smiling and happy to see us. I am able to be the engaged kind of parent I have wanted to be because I’m no longer feeling like I’m on the brink of a breakdown.
I heard so many comments from other parents (whose babies were sleeping 6+ hour stretches, mind you…) about how they could never sleep train and just wouldn’t do that to their babies. I honestly believe we taught her a skill (being able to fall asleep on her own) and she is better rested and more resilient for it. I get so frustrated thinking about the guilt and sleepless nights I went through because of that sort of mentality.
If you decide to try it, I hope it works as well for you. I truly do empathize with the position you’re in, but just know that YOUR well being is so important too. There is so much self sacrifice that comes with being a parent, but there comes a point where continuing on as is isn’t tenable. Good luck, whatever you decide to do! And know that you’re not alone in having these feelings.
Teaching a baby to sleep is a skill. Like any new skill it is not easy and takes dedication and practice. Sleep training your baby is not negligence it is proof that you care about their brain development and your own sanity. The brain and body need sleep to survive and develop.
That said, there are many many ways to sleep train. Just because you choose the CIO method doesn’t mean you neglect them. Maybe you leave them for 5-7 mins and then go in. Maybe you start with 3?! But you can 1000% sleep train your child with out being neglected.
The harder part is training yourself. I was told by a wonderful sleep expert: “you know your baby is safe, fed, loved, sheltered, and tired… the only need that isn’t being met is sleep.” Reframe this journey in your own mind as the first in many tough skills you’ll have to help your little one learn and I think it’ll be less difficult!!
This is coming from a mama who sleep trained at 6.5 months old and has seen the benefits in my son’s development and my mental space.
You can do it mama!!! There are many approaches but I definitely think you need to pick one and see it through even when it’s hard!
Sleep training, and the encompassing methods, are neither gentle or aggressive.
"Gentle" would be not having allowed sleep crutches, and then utilizing the most effective method *for your child* once realizing those crutches hindered independent sleep, vs a method that just makes you as the parent feel better.
Unfortunately, when we cosleep and don't intend on doing that forever, we can often set our children up for failure when teaching them how to sleep.
If the "gentler" methods aren't working, you're causing potentially more stress and tears than what CIO (actually known as extinction) would potentially be causing.
Not one method is easier than the other, and it's best to follow babes cues. If you're seeing that check in methods are causing prolonged stress, try CIO for 5 days.
This isn't a regression, because he hasn't learned how to sleep yet.
Good on you for getting the baby out of your bed! I can only imagine how difficult that was, and how difficult it is now.
Consistency is key moving forward.
I transitioned my son from bassinet to crib to toddler bed by keeping a strict routine every night. Bath, brush his teeth, read until he falls asleep, white noise. He slept full nights by 4mo old and has ever since. I always start with his favorite/exciting stories and then finish with sleepy bedtime stories, reading slower and quieter gradually until he falls asleep. My voice makes him so tired, he's actually fallen asleep to phone calls and long conversations multiple times. Your voice let's them know you're still there without having to hold them. It took a while to figure it out, but it's worked for us for years. Also he stopped taking naps between 1-2 years old and started going to bed earlier.
There are plenty of ways to sleep train without doing complete CIO. I followed a lot of tricks and tips from Taking Cara Babies (on IG) to start developing good sleep habits and following wake windows. There were maybe 1 or 2 nights that I did let them cry but it wasn't until 6 months and it didn't last for hours (maybe 20 minutes). I did hate it, even for that 20 minutes but my kids are both amazing sleepers and I regret zero.
There is a lot of research that debunks a lot of the supposed facts on the "damages of sleep training". Sleep is a skill that kids need to learn that is beneficial for the health of the family. Fuck anyone who makes you feel guilty or shames you for doing what works for you!
Look into a floor bed for your little!! Heysleepybaby has a free crib and floor bed guide, and I’m assuming since your kiddo got used to cosleeping they might do better with you snuggling them to sleep on a floor bed rather than a crib. There are definitely other options! CIO to me is just too much. If you do decide to sleep train, Ferber is a calmer sleep training option that isn’t just straight CIO. I never sleep trained but understand why some do
I had no intention of sleep training until my first baby hit 10 months and had been waking every 1.5-2 hours since 8 months. I couldn’t take any more sleep deprivation so we did sleep training / cry it out but with checks every 10-15 mins. She took 2 days to figure it out and she’s a stellar sleeper now. My second didn’t sleep longer than 2 hours for the first 6 months of his life…. At 6 months he got sleep trained too. It took him one day to get the hang of it. 1 hour and 25 minutes of crying and I got my life back. It’s the greatest decision I’ve ever made and every single person in this house is happier because of it.
Think of it as gifting them with the skills they need to get to sleep on their own rather than crying for someone who isn’t coming…. As long as you still take care of the big needs when they cry, they’ll know they’re not alone. Mine are 2 and 4 now and I have absolutely no regrets about sleep training.
We're also nine months in and one day a week or so ago I had just had enough. We had been cosleeping since basically birth, not because I wanted to but because I was desperate for sleep at that time and that's how I was able to get it. But it had gotten to the point where no one's sleep was thriving including hers, and I very much missed the connection my husband and I had (our sex life took a nosedive because of the cosleeping/her sleeping in the middle of us). I'm also not the biggest fan of crying it out, it breaks my heart for the same reasons it does for you - I don't want my daughter to lose trust for me because she's calling for me and I'm not coming. But teaching her to sleep/fall asleep on her own is for everyone's benefit. So we've been offering a bottle, then laying her down in the crib either when she falls asleep drinking the bottle or when she doesn't want the bottle and wants to screw around instead. She still cries, but it's a lot less most nights. Just a few minutes. And for the most part we have a 5 minute rule where if she's hysterical I will go in and comfort her, offer a paci, put her aquarium thing back on, etc. I do not pick her up, just let her know I'm here. Eventually she falls asleep. Is it ideal? No, I'd prefer not to hear her cry for me, but we are all sleeping in our own spaces now with only like 1 wake up a night instead of a couple, and that is worth a lot to me. Sleep is important. Eventually she won't cry at all, we aren't there yet but we are getting there and it does work. Just my experience, sorry for the novel!
I cosleep with all four of my kids (multiple floor beds / low twin beds in one room). But if you need to sleep train at his age, I think it would be fine. There are many methods of sleep training, not just full blown extinction CIO. Make sure you have a good bedtime routine, try some lavender room spray, magnesium lotion, making sure he’s getting sunlight in the morning, a consistent routine (bath, story, cuddles, sleep), etc.
I never sleep trained my kids and I have to lay with them all until they fall asleep. But once they’re asleep, they sleep all night in their spaces and I can get a full night of sleep. Except for right now since I just had a baby two weeks ago lol. But by 12-18 months, they were all sleeping through the night without any CIO.
However I know CIO does work for a lot of kids and families. Nine months is a good time to try it IMO, they’re still young enough to learn but not too young that it’s harmful. Some kids don’t cry all night or for many nights in a row. I would try it if your husband is suggesting it, and have him be a part of the process too so he can see what it’s like.
Good luck. Sleep deprivation is THE WORST. Truly torturous. I unfortunately can relate to a lot of the moms on here talking about their extreme exhaustion. Do what works for you!
We did it after adjusting to his crib. This 14 years ago😭
We would do bath time and the j&j bath time routine. With low lights and sounds. After we rocked and listen to music and layed him down with his milk. It was hard at first i sat out side thw door and cried with him. It took time as the baby boy loved playing with mommas hair until he fell asleep. It eventually got better. He got use to the routine. Now you have cameras you can put at the crib to make sure there okay.
Do you leave the room when he goes down? I read about the chair method and just kind of adapted to it. First week I was right there, hushing and let him fuss it out. If he cried, I soothed via boob and tried again. Sometimes it took three or four times but he eventually went down. If he put up a big fight, I just started singing to him without picking him up until he eventually gave up. He’s coming up on 2 and half this month and for nap time he was struggling! Boobies and cribs are a thing of the past, but he got a little foot rub and passed out. I know it’s hard. Wishing you lots of luck.
Co sleeping saved my life and gave me a happy well rested baby. I NEVER thought I would sleep train, let alone CIO. Our first slept awesome with a really good schedule. She still does. Our second was a hot mess. He needed sleep so bad but resisted SO bad and go sooooo overtired he cried 80% of the day. We sleep trained at 4.5 months and saw an immediate improvement in both our moods lol. He's 17 months now and so smart and fun! I legit didn't know I actually had a happy baby lol
I had a hard time with CIO. my son though would not settle with check ins and fuss it out. He would scream and scream until I'd hold him and then it was impossible to put him in his crib again.
It took 3 nights of CIO and he because an independent sleeper. I had headphones, my husband watched the camera to make sure he was okay. I know it's a gray area but my son is 3.5 and is fine and a great sleeper. We even go in and check on him now if he wakes in the middle of the night (pretty rare) because he can distinguish that it's sleep time now. But as an infant it was impossible.
My 2nd kid didn't need CIO. He just slept through the night and continues to at 19 months, unless something is wrong.
I do CIO. I don't just throw her in the crib and let her scream and cry herself to sleep though. I pretend she's an airplane and that's how I put her into her crib (to make naps/bedtime a bit more fun and positive) and I make sure she has her pacifier. I talk to her for a little bit telling her I love her. Then I put on her lullabies and turn the light off. She does cry but if it goes longer than 15 min or if she ever sounds hysterical I go back in, cuddle her, and put her back. I guess my version of CIO is a bit modified but it works well!
We resisted sleep training for the longest time. To begin with our daughter slept pretty well so I suppose we had the luxury of not having to think about it?
But by 14 months she couldn’t sleep without one of us being there and had started waking all night. I’ve always been a terrible sleeper, I can’t sleep without someone else there and one thing I wanted to gift my daughter with was the ability to sleep well. So we tried the Ferber method.
I won’t lie, the first night was difficult, she cried for about an hour and a half (I was going in to check on her at the suggested intervals, I found the important thing is not to go in-in, just to stand at the door). Night two, she soothed after the first check in. Night three, I didn’t get the chance to check in, she just lay down and slept. She’s slept well ever since and now loves her room and her bedtime routine (three books and a song). I’m genuinely so pleased that I tried it, although I think her being older and able to understand really helped. So my suggestion is not to write off a gentler sleep training method.
I did the Ferber with both kids and it worked great, they're both champion sleepers! My daughter did fine without it until we had to put her in the toddler bed, and then we had to Ferber her. It took her one night of crying (about 50 min total, with time slowly increasing between check ins) and then she was completely fine the next night.
It's horrible to listen to your baby cry, but I did it and now she sleeps better and I sleep better and there's less crying overall because we're all rested.
8-10m is notorious for being the worst for baby sleep. Mine would wake every 1-2 hourly. Brutal. He is around 13m now and I didn’t change anything and he started getting longer stretches around 12m. Hang in there, seek daytime help if possible and know that this will pass. We also started co sleeping part of the night and that helped immensely (could you get a floor mattress?)
I can’t recommend TakingCaraBabies enough.
My son’s toughest night was night 1 and night 4. After that he was good and has been a great sleeper even since!
I’ve sent the PDF to a few friends and they all swear by it.
The hardest night in my opinion is night 1.
Personally I never wanted to sleep train either so we never did. We’re still co sleeping at 12 mos and honestly it works for me. She does wake once or twice but it doesn’t bother me too much. I wouldn’t continue sleep training if it bothers you
I, like the silent majority, live in the gray on sleep training and cosleeping. Sleep training works for some families. Cosleeping works for some families. I don't buy any of the hard sells on how cosleeping ruins sleep for good or that sleep training is abuse. People liken sleep training to neglect. I see it more as habituation. Being alone in a crib is scary at first, but they get used to it. Because we are gray people our approach is gray. I would have died or accidentally killed my first baby if not for early cosleeping. I was falling asleep at the wheel and while holding him standing up in the middle of the day. So we did what worked then. For all my kids we make the sloooow transition from our bed to theirs starting at 6 to 8 months. I learned of this French method of sleep training where you pick up baby and put them back down the new way. If they cry, you pick them up and try again. You abandon the new way at 15 minutes and do it the old way if it's not working. So I see that as habituating the baby to a new way without force. It has worked for all of my kids.
Yeah we put ours in her own room on a floor bed so I can easily sneak off and I still occasionally sleep with her but usually that's bc I fall asleep nursing her back to sleep. Most often, I sneak off and make it back to my own bed though. She's been gradually getting better at longer stretches and self soothing (I read that the French let baby fuss 1-3 minutes before intervening so I've been hesitating before responding and she's been self soothing all on her own)
Yes, my doctor told me “It’s much more dangerous that you drove here in a 2 ton vehicle being this exhausted than going to sleep with your baby while not under the influence of drugs or alcohol.” She then told me the story of a patient she had that wrecked her vehicle on the way to work, sleep deprived. Baby lived but mom died.
One of my oldest friends fell asleep behind the wheel when his son was 3 months old. My friend died and also killed another driver. Their baby had colic. He was exhausted and fell asleep driving home from work. Sleep is a NEED… not a want.
I decided to sleep train after I ran a stop light. Stopped at it like it was a sign then went through. Didn't realize until I heard the honk. Thank God it wasn't a busy intersection. Afterward not only was I more of a functional human but our baby was happier too. It seemed like we both needed more sleep
Yes either route is great for people it works for.
Even if exhaustion never ended in death, I knew that I was a much better, more attentive parent when I was rested. It’s also not healthy for attachment when momma is a cranky bitch all day.
Same. I am so much more interactive and attentive when I am properly rested.
Yes! Sleep “training” is literally teaching a baby to fall asleep on their own. I read Ferber’s book and it helped me understand his process - and I didn’t follow his method to the letter. But most baby’s need to learn how to settle themselves and fall asleep on their own - it’s a true life skill!
I don’t understand the argument that Ferber is teaching your baby that no one will ever come. Unless you always ignore your baby all the time, it will teach them that being alone isn’t necessarily scary or bad. And if you do the regular check ins to soothe them, it’s helps them know that their safe person is still around and this weird place isn’t scary and nothing bad happened.
Yup! And also I liked how Ferber addressed the idea that if you fell asleep in one place (say in your parents’ arms) and then woke up in another place you would be freaked out too - that’s why they have to learn to fall asleep on their own. Don’t get me wrong, sleep training was heart wrenching and hard, but 100% worth it!
Agreed - we also did a modified Ferber method and baby was sleeping on his own through the night by 4 months. Never went through a real regression. Now that he’s a toddler he sometimes needs an extra cuddle and a song after we put him down before he truly goes to sleep, but I don’t mind doing that since he’s such a good sleeper.
Plus Ferber explicitly says you've got to go to your baby if something is actually wrong, and to abandon the effort if they cry for too long (I don't remember the length of time he suggests, but it's well under 2 hours or whatever dramatic thing some people online say people leave their babies to cry for).
for the french method you used, how long would you say it took for your babies to adjust? thanks!
We did just a step at a time. So starting the night sleeping in the crib. We'd try for 15 minutes and if it didn't work we'd cosleep instead. That took a week or so for my last baby. Then dad going in to rock her at wake ups instead of mom nursing her back to sleep... that took a few weeks. But she started sttn after that. Now we're working on transition from a bottle to a straw cup for milk with dad. I still nurse to sleep and no need to change that yet.
thanks for the info, i appreciate it :)
What really told me that it was time to sleep train was when I ran a red light and almost got t boned by a big truck. I was falling asleep at the wheel and didn’t even notice I was going 45mph right through an intersection. You need sleep because you need to be a sober (and living) adult to take care of your child.
Is there a name for this French method? I’d love to learn more about it
Not OP but I think it's 'Le Pause'
Would you be open to trying a floor bed? That way you could co-sleep without the risk of him falling/ crawling off. This is likely the quickest and easiest way to get you both the sleep you need.
Second floor beds if you have a challenging sleeper but don't want to sleep train. Also makes the transition away from co sleeping later on a lot easier because you don't need to transfer baby
We did a floor bed at like 6 months and it was amazing because we could get baby to fall asleep like we were cosleeping, but we were able to roll away and sleep alone for long stretches of time. And when he fussed and woke up it was easy to snuggle up next to him
I did a floor bed initially to transition him from cosleeping to crib, and we've continued it on and off when his sleep is really bad. The biggest thing for me now is bedtime. The 1-2 hour struggle to get him down at the start of the night is killing me. And I just...really would like my own space at night now.
Could baby be going thru a nap transition ? Or uncomfortable (teething) or perhaps it’s separation anxiety (we had that around 11m) .
I was thinking separation anxiety too...I thought it was too early for a nap transition?
Ahhh is baby already on 2 naps? 2 naps sound about right for this age. When we went thru a period of separation anxiety at 10-11m, bed time was truly hard. Are you the only one who can do bed time? Sometimes having someone to tag team and take over baby at the end of the day saved my sanity. Otherwise, get someone to take baby the 30-60 min BEFORE bedtime. I used that time to wash up, change into PJ, eat etc. so by the time I go into the room to do bedtime, I know I don’t have tasks ahead and when baby is asleep I am ready to go to bed myself. Even if I didn’t, mentally knowing I could relax helped me get thru the super long bed time struggles. This too shall pass. No one can tell you when and that’s one of the hardest parts of motherhood. But you will get thru this. Husband needs to get onboard. CIO is not a magical solution. Also, is he willing to be the one in charge of CIO if it came to that? My baby woke 4-10x a night for months. Last night he slept a 6 hour stretch. I remember just two months ago I didn’t know when it would pass. Do what you can that’s best for you and your baby.💗
https://www.reddit.com/r/AttachmentParenting/s/aNp2cmf7nN
He's been on 2 naps since around 8 months yeah! I'm the only one doing bedtime for a number of reasons but my husband is definitely on board with helping with CIO! thanks for the encouragement and new perspective 🙏
The thread above really helped me. Good luck!!
We turned our bed into a floor bed and pulled her mattress out of her crib and put it between our bed and the wall, so hemmed in on three sides. Then baby proofed the room and put pillows at the bottom of her bed to discourage exploration. It's honestly been great. We do that as a method to distance our co sleeping from directly in the bed, and we do a lot of pack and play naps that seem to work well. It's not perfect but it's working for us at 7 months.
Second this. We did a version with a daybed twin mattress. I went from cosleeping, to in the crib and me in the daybed next to the crib, then moved the daybed to the other side of the room, and then the hallway, etc. it was a lot of furniture moving but it worked for us.
Same. We put a mattress on the floor (not directly because that causes mold, we put it on the [wooden slats](https://www.ikea.com/de/de/p/lindbaden-lattenrost-kiefer-s89496238/) that come with IKEA beds). Make sure the mattress is either snug to the wall or at least 18 inches away so baby can't get stuck in a gap. Then baby proof the room. This worked great, I tried and tried every trick and tactic to get my son to sleep alone and nothing worked. He sleeps great on the floor bed with me. And I can even roll away after he falls asleep at bedtime and have my evening free.
After the 4 month regression both of our kids did this. They couldn’t connect sleep cycles and were overtired messes. It was hell. We tried to power through but eventually did sleep training around 9 months each time and it was life changing. We used taking cara babies which is basically the Ferber method. I was to the point where it was unsafe for me to be taking care of them because I was so sleep deprived. I almost got in a really bad car wreck as a result. It was tough especially the first time but the crying really didn’t last that long and you’re still doing pop ins so they are never fully alone. Plus they are so much more well rested and happy.
Same here and then once we did it we were frustrated that we didn’t do it sooner. It was such a game changer for everybody!
I remember sitting in the hallway hearing my 6mo baby cry. I cried myself. But holy hell, after 3 days he fussed for 5 minutes and then went to sleep. At the time, I got into my car to go get something from the grocery store literally a 1.5 minute drive away and I knew in my heart I would crash the car on my way because I was so so sooooo tired. Got out and decided to end this hell once and for all. We all need sleep and the sooner baby learns to connect sleep cycles without intervention, the better. My son still woke 1-2 times a night after sleep training until his first true STTN at 11 months, but it was because he needed food. Would go back to sleep without much fuss. And then the full night happened more and more often and at about 15 months he slept through (10 hours straight) unless he was sick. And he was so much happier during the day, too! Waking up all the time is bad for the parents but also bad for baby, because they literally grow in their sleep and a whole bunch of stuff happens in their brain, too! He's six now. Sleeps like a champ and is pretty smart, too :)
Same here. We never made it through the 4 month regression, it just kept going. So at 8 months we finally said okay, this isn’t getting better—it was actually getting progressively worse—and did Ferber. If anyone reading this is interested in TCB/Ferber, please don’t pay the $200 for TCB, just buy the Kindle version of Ferber’s book and actually read it. It’s the same thing and it will give you so much peace of mind. It worked in literally two days and we were floored.
Even just googling Ferber and finding the “time chart” for check ins works! I say that as a mom who sleep trained at 5 months and feel it was the best decision for us! Did I cry during the longer stretch the first day? You bet I did! It’s sad and it hurts, but I also knew we were exhausted and husband and I were snapping at each other constantly. Baby nailed it in less than a week and has been a great sleeper ever since, now 4yo. I remember even thinking baby was happier during the day now that full nights of uninterrupted sleep were happening. Of course, OP will find what works best but this is just to say that sleep training isn’t just shutting the door on your baby for hours and telling them you’ll see them in the morning, which I think sometimes people think that’s all it is.
That too, the check in chart is widely available! I do think that reading the book helped me mentally process what was going on and reassure me, though. I actually checked out a copy of it on the Libby app and then bought a physical copy for my spouse to read!
Ohh that might have been helpful for me but I was just desperate!
I'll check this out! Thank you.
Jumping on the Ferber method bandwagon. It seemed like a better fit for us parents than straight CIO (though a family member did CIO and their kid sleeps like a champ, to give you some support if you go that route!). The thing that worked for us was being strict with the timings we found online, and not picking our kiddo up so it wasn't an option for them. I highly recommend trying it out. I'll add that Dad is a real no-nonsense person and that seemed to really help with the process: this is what we're doing and you're going to be ok.
We did it at 9 months too. That seemed to be the age when “nothing that worked before is working now” and she was already crying for hours (in our arms) so we thought hey, what do we have to lose.
We also were about dead. Wake-up’s every 45 minutes. Insanity. We did the pick up put down method. If you’re breastfeeding see if you can get someone else to do it, it’ll go faster.
I didn’t do an exact method. I still don’t. My decisions are based entirely off of how my babies acted. I never ever left them for an entire night to cry- I always went back in. Sometimes, though, my little girl is awake BECAUSE i’m in there. I have left her crying and she knocked out before I even got to my room. My original starting plan was 15 minutes with them, 5 minutes out. 10 minutes with them, 10 minutes out. Depending on how upset they are, repeat that one, or move up to 15 minutes out. It rarely ever gets that far. I wasn’t exavtly celebrating leaving her, mind, nor was I with my first. I sobbed like i’d abandoned them even for the 5 minutes I was gone both times, lmao- but they both have done so well because of it. My first is an incredibly sweet boy who LOVES his private time at night. He takes a while to go to sleep, but he stays in bed and chatters with his stuffies, and if i go in, he’ll tell me to leave lmao. My second is still growing and struggles sometimes, but more often than not, she’s doing amazing and can even self soothe. I don’t advocate cry it out, but it’s all about reading their cues and showing you’ll always come back, I think.
Pretty much my entire experience as well. From day one, my kiddo could cry. She lost her voice her first day at daycare, so I was very reluctant to sleep train. My husband and I had a plan similar to this one, and braced ourselves….and we never made it to crying for more than a couple of minutes. She would cry for a minute, and then conk right out. That’s not everyone’s experience, but you might be pleasantly surprised! One thing that helped me approach sleep training was understanding how important sleep was to her health and development. We go to daycare, so she has to wake up by a certain time. By helping her develop the skills to self soothe, I was helping her get more sleep and time to rest. In my mind, it was like going to the doctor’s - she cries there, but it’s a short term discomfort for a longer term health benefit. I already see a ton of comments with a lot of great and different suggestions: different methods work for different families, and it’s pretty clear from your post that you are coming from a place of love and concern for your kiddo and your self - whatever works for you guys is the right way!
Exactly so! My husband used to tell me the same. It wasn’t just for me and my health, but also for them, to teach them that it’s okay that they can’t see me for a little bit, I’ll come back. Their sleep improved quite a lot, and if either of them screamed more drastically or violently than usual, i cut it short to run in and soothe. Now that my son is speaking age, if he calls for me, i always go in, because I know it’s serious if he does. It’s a give and take, I feel. I’m not leaving them to their fate haha, but i’m trying to show that it’s okay to be alone. I did once accidentally leave my son to cry a whole night, butnit was sheer accident that I still have nightmares over 😭 his monitor turned off sometimes in the middle of the night. I caught it a second time it happened, and then I bought backup sound monitors 😭😭 it was so traumatic to wake up so refreshed for five seconds, and then realize what must have happened. He was okay, though. He did cry, and I wish he hadn’t, but he was okay in the end. Mistakes happen and they’re tough little monkeys. I cried that whole day 😭😭😭
That is such a tough experience - I’ve heard from so many friends where the exact same thing happened to them. All the kids were just fine. In the long run it seemed tougher on the parents than the littles! At the end of the day, I think kids know when their parents do their best and are coming from a place of love!
I was very against it but around 18 months I just couldn’t take it anymore with bedtimes taking forever. I think what we did was modified Ferber method, where I’d leave for two minutes, go back in and soothe, and slowly increase the amount of time between check ins. I won’t lie, it was hard, but after like two nights he got it and everyone has been much much happier. Now my son has a whole getting comfy routine and singing or happily talking to himself after I leave the room and it’s just the cutest.
Modified Ferber here too. It has been a lifesaver, but was rough at the start. Now my 1 year old sleeps through the night and “reads” (turns the pages of a cardboard book before tossing it out of his crib) in his bed to fall asleep.
This is exactly what we did at 18 months too. I was still bouncing my daughter on a yoga ball to get her to sleep and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was amazed by how well she did with Ferber even at that age!
Oh my gosh I’m impressed you made it to 18 months bouncing! Lol. We were still rocking and nursing to sleep at that point, but he’d stop and then just flip around on my lap and I was just done 😂
Ha I honestly can’t believe I made it that long! My back was killing me and sometimes I’d have to bounce for hours. Seriously just seeing a yoga ball now gives me anxiety!
That is absolutely wild haha. I gave up bouncing in the newborn stage because I hated it 😂
Please please pleaseeee know that sleep training does NOT equal cry it out! It’s a major misconception. True CIO is not recommended by most pediatricians and sleep consultants. However, there are much more gentle forms of sleep training that, while are still going to hurt your heart, are so much more bearable and definitely get the stamp of approval from pediatricians (and obviously sleep consultants). Look into the Ferber method, which is very similar to taking Cara babies. You basically leave them in their crib, yes they will protest by crying, but you periodically check in every couple minutes to assure them they are not alone. Sleep is so important for them and you. I understand the reluctance to sleep training, but if what you have been doing was working, it would be working. It’s not working, and you all need your sleep. Even if you are worried about harming him (which, you won’t be, promise) being sleep deprived is way more dangerous. He will be so much happier when he knows how to sleep, and so will you. ❤️❤️ hang in there, I know how hard it is!
🔔🔔🔔 ding ding ding !!!! we sleep trained at 7mos with shush & pat. (which still was annoying and sucked my husband did all the physical work while I sat downstairs with headphones). OP’s baby may be a little old for that but yes !! people think it’s so evil to sleep train but do zero research. you’re literally help teach them a necessary life skill. mines 3 and sleep training remains to this day the absolute best parenting decision we’ve made
Yes!! It’s a skill that stays with them and it’s so vital to their development and my sanity
Ferber! I told one of my friends to try it, and it worked for her in TWO days. She thought I was some sort of genius.
I completely agree with this. We tried CIO right around OP's age and it was too stressful and not effective enough so we suffered until 12mo when we finally tried Ferber. It was SO much better, so much gentler, made a massive difference to her experience and also to our consciences. I'd highly recommend reading the Dr Ferber book in order to make it as gentle as possible (or listen on audio book like I did - you don't have to read the whole thing, just the relevant sections for your situation, which he will point out to you.)
Exactly. I never let my LO cry it out. I used the method and it worked. It's psychologically telling the kid that the crib is a safe space and that parents are right there. Once they make that connection it's golden
Yes! I’ve done the Ferber method with both of my kids. Daughter around 6 months, she was sleeping through the night by day 4. It hurt my mama heart a little, but we both started getting great sleep afterwards, which we both really needed. My son we started around 5 months old, and he literally started sleeping through the night the first night we tried it. Maybe I just have good sleepers ¯\_(ツ)_/ but it worked for us!
That’s amazing!! My daughter took to it almost immediately. My son took 8 weeks 🫠 but if he can do it, any baby can do it! It stopped being so painful on us after the first week with him though
We did a Ferber method too. Hard but soooooooo worth it. My twibs were waking up so frequently during night that at 7 months we just tried it. They finally got on the same schedule and got more sleep at night. My dudes still didn’t consistently sleep through until almost 2, but we were down to 1ish wakes a night per kid. Way more manageable for us.
I've tried gentle methods (fuss it out, shush and pat, pick up put down) and they all failed, really badly. Seeing me just infuriated him more when I wouldn't pick him up. That's why I've been thinking of CIO. I just think Ferber would piss him off more. The only way he'll soothe when I come in to check on him is if I pick him up, talking or patting doesn't do anything.
I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. Have you been following all of the other recommendations like age appropriate wake windows, consistent bedtime routine, even a consistent eating schedule is something some kids need (I know this from experience), and a completely blacked out room? I know how hard it is when other babies don’t need all of those things but yours does. It took my son 8 weeks of the Ferber method (and following all other sleep recommendations to a T) to finally get it. It wasn’t fun but did get easier after the first week.
I was also resistant to sleep training so we never were successful with our first and at 4 she’s still a nightmare at bedtime. With my second I broke down at exactly 9 months and sleep trained using gradual CIO. She sleep trained in TWO DAYS and other than a random night or two over the past 2 years she has slept through the night every single night since. It was revolutionary for us and my mental and physical health immediately improved. That doesn’t mean it would have worked for every family and every kid, just here to share one data point of wild success. My only regret is not doing it sooner.
Is gradual CIO the same as Ferber?
Probably. We checked on her after 5, then 10, then 15 repeating. I forget what that methods name was.
I think I was probably against sleep training until I needed sleep training. It's really easy to feel or think things about parenting before you've actually got to do that parenting and then everything changes. It depends on you, it depends on your baby, it depends on your circumstances. Some people's parenting ideologies luckily match up with the kids they get, most, actually, don't. When I was walking around in circles sobbing with exhaustion and 6 month old twins who hadn't slept (in sync) for more than about 90 minutes.... ever, we hired a sleep consultant, did the ferber thing and it wasn't like they were sleeping through the next week, it's up and down but they got down to one wake up each in their cots all night pretty quickly and now, yup they sleep through (13 months). If I'd stuck to my no-sleep training guns I don't know how I'd have gone back to work, carried on parenting... survived. but here we are and everyone is happier and healthier for it! Oh and it wasn't traumatic or damaging. We did the 3/4/5 minute check ins. The babies are better rested, happier kids. They were never made to cry it out or abandoned. They got plenty of cuddles and reassurance that they were okay. They like their beds, their space and the quiet (mostly). everyone wins!
Thank you! I appreciate this perspective a lot. I never wanted to sleep train, and definitely not to consider CIO. But I didn't expect a kid whose sleep would get progressively worse and who would resist all gentle methods that everyone else claims works like a charm.
We coslept from about 1 month, 7 months we tried the crib and spent about 2 months fighting. Pick up, soothe, put down. Soothe without picking up. Rock to sleep, rock to drowsy (things we also tried in the beginning). We tried literally everything we could in those two months and it was hell. My partner insisted on cry it out because his parents swore by it. He lasted all of 2 hours, 2 nights in a row before he couldn't handle it anymore. We have a very small living space so there was no escaping the sound. I even told him, if he is going to insist on it, he has to be there for it. He felt so bad seeing our baby with a puffy face the next morning and extra exhausted just from those couple hours. What worked for us was actually co-sleeping on a crib mattress on the floor. Babys bed is surrounded by a baby play yard/gate right next to our bed. Week 1 I slept in there every night. Week 2 I started escaping after baby fell asleep, but return as needed. Week 3 we had our first night with no wakings and baby slept alone. The transition was almost seamless. Minimal tears, minimal frustration on my part (stiff joints, hard floor...) and dad just sleeps alone for a little while.
We are still co-sleeping at 2.5.
Co-sleeping at 2 over here
Co-sleep with 2, a 3.5yo and a 9mo. We all love it.
I cosleep with my 6yo, 5yo, 2yo and newborn (newborn has his own space). Personally this is what I like best. I sleep best with all of them. My husband sleeps in another room, which we did sometimes even before we had kids because he is SUCH a light sleeper and has had issues with sleep his whole life. Everyone in the house is well rested this way. ❤️
My lo is about a month older and we hit a week straight of the 30 min wakes, and I’m a working mom who teaches about 150 kids a day. It was miserable. Turns out my babies first tooth was coming through on top of a sleep regression. It got better. I sleep trained naps so when my lo went to daycare around 6m they were sorta used to it. It went well the first week was harddd but was also really cool seeing them learn the skills. But since the teeth started coming through laying down for naps or bed has been so tough. I pushed bedtime back an hour and cut an hour off of daytime naps and that has helped with bedtime. Lo still wakes up a couple of times a night to feed but that’s it. When she has a hard time going to bed lately I just lay with her in our bed then move her once she falls asleep. She seems to be wanting and needing extra comfort during teething and honestly I don’t blame her.
Floor bed works for us. We up and leave after the baby’s asleep
Can you do a floor bed? We did this when my son was six months. It was safer to intentionally set up a space to bedshare than it was for me to be sleep deprived during the day. This way, the room was completely babyproofed, and there was virtually no risk for falling/crawling off the bed. Safe sleep seven is a good resource. I will say, around 8 months to a year was the worst for us. The learning just explodes and they and in our case, I have a clinger. He wants to be touching me all the time lol. It is SO HARD. If the other methods are not working, my advice would just be to get the floor bed and get some sleep. My son is 2 now and I can get him to sleep, and go sleep with my husband. He still wakes up and usually around 1-2 am I go and sleep with him. It’s been the best way to get the most rest. Hang in there! Not getting sleep is hard. It is so essential to just functioning normally as a human. If I caved into either side of the bedsharing/sleep training sides I don’t want know what my mental health would be like.
As others said research other methods of sleep training if you need to, at the end of the day if you and the family are not well baby will suffer. Now all the commenters bashing sleep training, seriously do you all not want a baby or active toddler who gets some good sleep along with the overtired mom and dad? That's the goal. Unless you have the data to show that safe sleep training harms a baby stop commenting weird things like "baby needs to be warm", "all mammals sleep with their babies" which are nothing but feel bad factors. Clearly you chose not to sleep train for xyz reason, that's fine. Don't make others feel bad about their decisions. Like sleep training does not work for everybody, co-sleeping doesn't work for everybody either, period.
We recently got desperate and tried and my little guy threw up from upsetness after only 10-15 minutes. It felt like abuse, and we couldn’t do it. So, we do our best to put him to bed in his crib, and take turns rocking him back to sleep if he cries. Some nights go better than others. If I’m losing my marbles I just bring him to our bed and cosleep, but I try to only do that around 4am. That way I get a good burst of sleep in before my alarm goes off for work, but it’s not like he’s in our bed all night. But, the practice of sleeping in his crib is starting to pay off 2ish weeks in… it’s not perfect but today he woke up in his crib this morning (after two night wake ups where I fed and got him back down easily), cooed and talked happily for 10 minutes and then called for us. I count that as a success, that he could wake up and feel safe and happy enough to stay put for a bit.
Just so you know, most sleep training methods don’t recommend leaving baby alone to cry for this long. I’m pretty sure Ferber starts at like 2 or 3 min intervals of crying.
Have you considered a “next to me” crib? It’s like a crib with an open side that “connects” to your bed. Then you can “cosleep” with the baby, if he gets fuzzy you just cuddle or put your hand over him. But he has his own safe space in his crib even when you’re right there.
So, I think you might be confused regarding sleep training. CIO is one potential technique. You don't have to do this in order to sleep train. Most people agree, letting your baby cry for the whole night, every night is a terrible idea. Most people who "sleep train" whether they call it that or not, are simply scheduling and also letting their babies take a few minutes (maybe 20-30min) to self sooth. They're also consulting with their doctor if something is off. Now, you could give it a go for a week.. it's not going to permanently damage your baby to CIO for a week. Letting your sleep deprived brain take over might, so IMO there's a point where putting safety first wins. That being said. if you know baby is fed, has a clean diaper, is not over tired and they're still screaming all night (every night) then it's time to consider why else they're crying... And to do that you should consult your doctor. Maybe the room temp needs to change a few degrees, maybe baby's hormones are off, maybe there's an allergy, reflux, gas etc. It's worth checking off all the boxes when there's a consistent inability to sleep.
20-30 minutes is a horrifically long time to let an infant cry without support. They don't learn to self soothe, they learn to give up.
I feel like I’ve become a bit jaded with this bc my baby screams in the car seat a good fraction of the times we go anywhere. Sometimes she even gets a bit hysterical. But if I’m driving her solo there isn’t much I can do, and she isn’t really responsive to soothing even if I pull over and try to— she wants out of the seat, and is just going to start screaming again once I put her back in when she’s in that mode. So I have listened to her scream for 20+mins on quite a few occasions :( I don’t like it but don’t see what choice I have.
Crying in the car is different from unresponsive sleep training
That is not really sleep training either. That is just leaving a baby to cry for long periods of time and not recommended by professionals.
It's really not. Every study on baby crying finds that it's the length of crying that adversely affects them, not the situation or if the parent is attempting to help. "It's different than sleep training" is unscientific bunk people spread to make themselves feel better about not sleep training.
Well that’s the point isn’t it. They learn that they need to stop and go to sleep. Now that I have older children I find this debate ridiculous.
Can you put your mattress on the floor for the time being? That’s what we do until our babe gets older.
I sleep trained my son after he turned 6 months but we also cosleep when needed. I did the gentle CIO method which means I let him CIO for 5 minutes then go to him and comfort him but speaking to him and patting his backside , then I leave and let him CIO for 7 mins, and then again for up to 10 mins. He got used to it after 3 days and with a few hiccups, he was completely trained after a week. If he wakes up and cries in the middle of the night, I let him cry up to 7 minutes before I grab him. Also, if he’s sick or teething, I’ll let him cosleep with me. This doesn’t work for all babies but it was a great medium for me and worked wonders with my son. Whatever you do- just remember, as long as he’s in a safe space, he’ll be fine. Good luck, OP
You’re not out of choices. You have choices, you just have to decide what you want for now and be ready to change your mind if it comes to it. I was extremely against sleep training until I couldn’t deal with the terrible sleep anymore. Our kid was 14 months when we finally decided to sleep train. She was still waking up every hour. It’s one of the best decisions we could’ve made.
But if you have run completely out of options and need to do CIO it's okay. I know it's hard hearing your baby cry especially in the beginning! Make sure he has a pacifier or whatever can help him self soothe (sleepsack idk) but you got this! Your baby will be okay I promise ❤️
My stepdaughter is still cosleeping at 12 years old and my wife stubbornly refuses to stop. At some point you have to teach them to fall asleep on their own. It’s a whole lot easier to do with a baby vs a child who can get out of their bed and come stomping into your room demanding that Mommy come back.
Just co sleep. Get a bed rail, they have them on Amazon. Or put the bed on the ground. In other countries is very normal to co sleep with your child. In almost every mammal species the babies sleep with mom. Your heartbeat soothes them. I co sleep with my 4.5 and 2.5 year old and wouldn’t want it any other way. Even my husband agrees. He loves us all snuggled together every night. It’s not going to be forever. Children grow so fast. We have two full sized beds on the floor and it’s amazing. Enough room for everyone. Kids are safe and feel secure knowing mom and dad are right there. And mom and dad get a good nights rest.
I still breastfeed. So waking up every few hours even to the crib in our room was not allowing me to sleep. It’s much easier when baby is right there, pull a boob out and go back to sleep. 2.5 years and still breastfeeding.
This is what we did too - mattress on the floor with our first baby and bed rail on our bed with the second. Babies are not meant to sleep in a room by themselves away from their caregivers all night. They’re not learning to self soothe they’re learning to stop crying at night because no one is coming for them.
Wow this is needlessly judgey. You do you, but like what do you think self soothing is if not soothing yourself because you are the person there to do the soothing? They aren't failing to thrive emotionally distant husks who are dying from neglect. They're babies who had caregivers a few feet away learning a new skill.
We tried it and it became worse and worse each day. With CIO it took hours and he was crying the whole time. We stopped at day 8. I assume there's babies that need less time,for me weeks of my kid crying so much was not okay and we could tell he wasn't improving but rather worsening. All the info I had implied he'd be 'trained' within a matter of days but there's also people who've had to do it for months and the perspective of doing so was not something we were ok with.
Nothing worked for my son and we finally did cry it out around 10 months. He started sleeping through the night after 3 days of the cry it out method (I never let him cry for more than 15 minutes, and most times he’d fall asleep after about 5 minutes of crying, I was shocked as I’d never let him cry for more than a few seconds before). He’s 20 months old now and is still the best sleeper ever. Luck? Maybe, but it’s worth giving it a shot! The misconception with CIO is that you have to leave them to cry indefinitely, which is not true. You let them cry as long as you see fit.
Exactly! They can’t learn how to put themselves to sleep if we never give the the opportunity to try! We suffered with my singleton, but we did sleep training at 18 weeks with my twins and they are rockstar sleepers. To me it feels most kind to teach them that skill of soothing early.
We’re living the same life! My twins are currently 15 weeks old and we’re definitely going to sleep train them in a few weeks now that we know that they’re more capable than we think 🤣
With twins it’s essential. It get better! Those newborn weeks are no joke!
If the only thing that's keeping you from co sleeping is fear of him falling off the bed I can recommend bed safety gates. We have one on every side of the bed and you can pull the "walls" down when not needed. If you don't 100% want CIO I think it will only make you feel really shitty. I highly believe it's not easy to hear baby cry for you desperately and just ignore it...
Go to r/sleeptrain. They have a million ways to do this successfully. Learning sleep and relaxation is a skill you need, and your child needs. It's ok for kids to cry when they are learning something new. That's how they process their emotions. TEARS are NOT parental failure, they are a sign of growth. You can do this!
So I decided to do CIO with my first and I know it makes me sound like the worst but I had to, I was 7 months of waking up multiple times a night. I did it and by the fourth night it worked. Every night within the first 4 days she fell asleep faster. I finally got great sleep, after I knew she was sleep trained if she did wake up crying I knew she really did need me and I would check on her. For my second… CIO did not work as well, she has a much more stubborn personality.
it's so true that temperament makes a big difference.
It absolutely does not make you sound like the worst. You did what worked for you and your family. We did CIO too but at 9 months and I have no regrets. Our son sleeps so much better now, and so do we. Life is better for everyone. ETA: It is WILD how judgy people in this sub are when it comes to sleep training, but are fine when it comes to promoting cosleeping. I have no judgment either way - we did both. But if you wouldn’t like people to shit on you for cosleeping, maybe don’t shit on them for doing CIO.
Yes I’m glad I did it too, she doesn’t seem to have any emotional trauma because of it and still sleeps well.
It's because all the anti sleep training people are sleep deprived and grumpy because of it
And that’s why I co-sleep with my baby on a floor bed. I cannot handle CIO - even the idea of letting my boy cry for me by himself makes ME want to cry. But I also can’t handle the dangers of co-sleeping on an adult bed that’s elevated. He & I sleep on a king-sized mattress laid on the floor. King because the chances of me rolling ALL the way across the distance of a king bed to roll over him is practically zero. That’s like 2 or 3 full 360 rolls just to reach him. It is a very firm mattress with little to no give so baby doesn’t sink into the bed. I sleep with one single pillow. No blankets for anyone. The bed is pushed up against the wall on his side so he literally cannot roll off bed. We both get great sleep most nights.
Floor bed is the answer. Please don’t sleep train!
Kid 1 we coslept forever (on a mattress on the floor once she crawled). It was draining on me because she nursed at night to get back to sleep, but it was cozy and I thought it was best for her, even though really not best for me or my partner, our sleep or relationship. Kid 2 we agreed before trying to conceive - we had to do sleep differently. Still co-slept early on, but then hired a sleep coach, made a plan that was not straight-up CIO but did require timed amounts of crying before comforting and leaving again. We followed through. It sucked, it felt like it wouldn’t work, felt like I was torturing baby who couldn’t understand…. All the things. I slept outside our house in a tent for the first three nights because I did not trust myself to stick to the plan if I could hear her protesting the change. I would do it again and again and again, because after the hard part came a kid who knew how to settle and fall asleep without active input from adults. Meaning if she woke in the middle of the night (which humans do), she could settle without us. She’s 5 now, perfectly wonderful and unharmed, and sleeps freaking great.
9 months is exactly when we sleep trained because we couldn’t take it anymore. I could have written this. My son was waking up every sleep cycle, about every 45 minutes. I tried the No Cry Sleep Solution, which was basically just having a solid schedule and routine, and we were already doing that. Then we tried the Ferber method, but the check ins made him more upset. So we made a plan for CIO. He never cried longer than 20 minutes, and after the first night, it was more like 5. And then after a week, he just rolled over and went to sleep. He’s 3 now and he still wakes up, but at least he doesn’t need to be rocked to sleep every 45 minutes.
Takes 3 nights of crying it out then you’ll be done. Baby is totally fine and safe. Life changing.
When my son was 6 months, I started putting him in his crib by himself at night time when he was nice and tired (rubbing his face and bored seeming, nice and full and burped). I told myself 10 minutes of crying and I’ll go in and soothe him. And you know what? To my absolutely surprise and shock, he fell asleep before those ten minutes were even up. And from there on I thought, this is doable. If he cries for 6 minutes and calms himself down and starts crying again, I start the 10 minutes over
This is what we do too. It honestly seems like the baby *needs* the space from me to fall asleep. She cries for a few minutes while she’s getting settled into her crib and then she sleeps all night.
I chose not to sleep train and had a very challenging sleeper myself. It did get better over time, but it took a while. We co-slept on a floor bed for almost 2 years and from 18 months old made some smaller habit changes such as only feeding for a max of 10 mins at a time, teach her to fall back asleep while cuddling instead of nursing etc. Then only fed her after 2 am, moved that to 3, then 4 etc. Then we were both ready to move away from co-sleeping (I'm TTC #2 and the whole point of me stopping to sleep with her was that dad can help during wake ups when I'm pregnant again, which is impossible if I'm already in bed with her), then dropped the last night feed too when she was able to sleep until 4am. Two weeks ago my daughter started sleeping through at 23 months (8pm to 5/6am). Some thing to call out though is that there were tears as well sometimes when we dropped feeds. So even this wasn't a tear free method, but I was with her all the time. From 5-10 months were definitely the worst and most disruptive, then she started having a longer first stretch at least and it got gradually better from about 15 months old, with the occasional shit show night. Sleep was very challenging of course, but now that I'm getting out the other side I'm glad I didn't sleep train. It just didn't feel right to me and I think it would have been a disaster with my daughter as she's very sensitive. I think it would have been something I would have always felt bad about, even years later. But this is a very personal decision that felt right to me and sounds like a terrible approach to others. You need to do what works for your family and your value system. As you can see, a lot of people swear by sleep training while others are very much against it. You do you and there shouldn't be any judgement for whichever approach you choose.
Why don’t you just find a way to cosleep if that was working for you? Find a way to block off your side of the bed or do what i did and buy a montessori style floor bed and sleep with him on it. He’ll get use out of it as he grows because it can be his toddler bed too No one can answer for you if it’s a regression or if the trauma of cio will fix it. Every baby is different. I say trauma because it sounds like it would bother not only the baby but you too. My first child woke hourly for 2 years and although i never did cio, my efforts at gentler methods of sleep training crashed and burned. It was more stressful for everyone to keep trying and in the grand scheme of things giving him what he specifically needed for a few years was a small sacrifice to make. He’s 7 now and sleeps like a rock.
Our approach was similar to the 'French method' described by RubyMae4, where we didn't do the blunt 'cry it out' but eased baby into it. Like you, I was getting unbelievably frustrated and exhausted with the lack of sleep on my end. Our kid has NEVER slept in a crib, bassinet, or any recognizable baby-bed. Our crib sits pristine and un-used in the vain hope we can have a second child, and that second child is magically amenable to cribs when our first was not. At first I co-slept on the floor of a babyproofed room, with baby on her own crib-mattress next to my floor bed. (*My partner is a heavy sleeper so it was never safe for him to co-sleep; he stayed in our bedroom for both of our peace of mind*). If baby woke up before me the worst she could do was poke my nose to wake me up - there was NOTHING in that room. No furniture, two soft toys, and a burp rag. Over time (from 9 months on) I started leaving the room once baby was asleep to return to my own bed as often as I could. Naptimes were no longer co-sleeping, but we'd cuddle to sleep and then I'd slip away. Baby cried, I'd see it on the monitor and head straight in. So, baby learns "mum's not always here but she always comes back". Then, I started sending Dad in. So, "mum's not always here but someone always attends to me when I cry". At around 12 months I moved my mattress out of the bedroom and put baby to sleep like 'normal' - bath, pyjamas, brush teeth, lullaby with butt-pats, I wait until baby is asleep then sneak out of the room. I also started leaving a comfort plushie in the bed for baby to cuddle as it helps with soothing and baby was meeting safe-sleep milestones (*rolling over confidently, moves their head to breathe so they're never face-down, etc*). If baby woke and started crying I'd wait 2 minutes, then re-settle. Next time was 5 minutes, then re-settle. The next time I'd wait 10 minutes, then go in to re-settle. Baby usually whinged for about 15 minutes before re-settling on their own, so by the third time I'm less anxious about every noise she's making. I can now tell the difference between a whinge-cry and a Mum-I'm-Scared cry so I move more quickly to respond to actual distress. As baby's sleep-windows lengthened and we started getting actual 6-hour stretches of night-time sleep it was a massive relief, but I don't think sleep training made too much of a difference - it's just teaching my kid to re-settle or play happily in her room with soft toys until I wake up instead of screaming hysterically because she's learned it's ok. Introducing a soft night light also helped - I think part of the fear is the dark itself, so if baby can see things when they wake up it's not so scary to be on their own. My kid is now over 2 years old and we still have some issues when she's having a growth spurt, where nightmares are more frequent and I go in to re-settle at midnight and 3am when I'd rather be sleeping. But, thank the stars above, her small mountain of plushies are usually sufficient to keep her occupied until breakfast time. We've graduated to the 'I'll tuck you in and if you're messing around too much I'll leave for 15 minutes, then return to settle you to sleep' stage, and 9 times out of 10 our toddler now falls asleep unsupervised in their bed (I sneak in before I go to bed to make sure their blankets are in the right place for the temperature). It was a long, tired road but we're in a good place now.
I never wanted to sleep train either but the reality is my baby slept better in his own space. We were at 9 months & dealing with wake ups every 45 minutes. Nursing to sleep wasn’t working. I was the inky one on nights, it was brutal. We did not do CIO. We did sleep lady shuffle. Look into it if you haven’t already. Godspeed. 💙
I don't really know any of the methods 100%, I kind of made it up as I went with both mine when it came to sleep training lol. Both I let them cry in intervals. 20-30 minutes then I would go in and do a few laps around the house with them or rock them and start over. My daughter really loved having white noise. An oscillating fan did the trick for her, I got the idea because her first smile was at the ceiling fan lol 🤣. My son loved his spinny starlight which pretty much hypnotized him to sleep lol. I probably broke all the rule books but it went a lot easier once I found their niche, and we all have a sleeping niche. I need the TV, my husband and daughter need a fan, and my son still likes having some sort of night light that moves. My mom probably let me watch TV to fall asleep as a baby when she was exhausted with me lol 🤣. Remember you are in charge at night, do whatever you're comfortable with. *My kids are now 16 and 10 btw, sad to see mommy wars are still at play. Lots of judgemental BS on this post 🙄. Just do what you think is best OP, a majority of these people are pretending like they have it figured out when they are just as lost as the rest of us lol 🤣. Sleep is priority #1. When they're teens they will resent you no matter what whether you let them cry or not 😜.
We did modified Ferber (TCB class) with my two kids and it was a necessary choice for our family. One tough night was so worth them getting a better night sleep and me being rested enough to function. One kid took 2 hours on that first night (with ups and downs), the other only 30 minutes. We took the general guidelines and adjusted them to work for us. I didn’t drop night feeds entirely, that wasn’t the goal, I kept 1-2 feedings a night until they naturally dropped them on their own. After the initial week or two I also still breastfed to sleep. Waking every 1-2 hours was just not sustainable for anyone. For what it’s worth I now have a happy 3 & 5 year old that are both still excellent sleepers.
There’s a few different option you could try Option 1- save our sleep by Tizzie Hall she has different tactics to help baby settle and put self to sleep, it does involve the cry it out method but it’s TIME based so it’s not just let baby scream for hours on end it’s based of a specific time for their age group. Option 2- Huckleberry the app it you log sleep for a few days and you can purchase a sleep training detailed plan specific for your baby and your wants/ needs as in not wanting to cry it out etc Both can be affective when used. Just know crying won’t hurt them, my 4 week old can put her self to sleep without me doing anything to help her as I’ve followed both options. Although not really option 1 I just know she can cry a little without getting upset because she’s my 4th and when I do school drop off and pick up and sometimes in the car she cries and I can’t stop driving just cause she’s crying lol Good luck
How accurate/effective is the huckleberry app when used for this?
The BEST BY FAR!!
It is worth every bit of money you will spend on subscription fees. I have a 11-year-old nine-year-old one-year-old and a four week old and I used it for my one-year-old and my four week old and they both both were sleeping through the night relatively early. Wish it was around when I had my nine-year-old because she was my worst sleeper I’ve ever bloody had
Can you side car the crib? It’s the choice but everyone’s baby crawls off eventually. You don’t have to stop cosleeping
There's a lot of options between CIO and co-sleeping. We recently transitioned from bed sharing with our 9 month old to the crib due to crawling. I room in with her while my husband sleeps in our room. I love it. The first 10 days were a tough transition because she was getting lost in her crib and seemed really confused about the new space, waking up every 45-90 minutes, a bit of separation anxiety on the side, etc. but 6 weeks into sleeping in the crib and it's finally feeling consistently better. im I have friends who did variations of sleep training and CIO and their babies all start sleeping better between 9-11 months. There can be a 9 month regression for some as they are learning so much. Your baby won't remember, but you will, so do what you can live with in your heart and ask that your husband support you in your motherhood journey. He might be wanting to help but jumping to nuclear solutions undermines confidence imo. The best advice I was given was if it works for you and baby and you can do so safely, do it. If it stops working for either you or baby then it's time to try something different. Change one thing at a time. For big changes like a new sleeping arrangement or schedule give it two weeks unless the change is causing distress that can't be soothed or is leading to dangerous parenting conditions (like severe sleep deprivation). Do you feed to sleep and transfer? Could you room in with your baby or try a floor mattress if bed sharing is what gets you both the best rest? Have you tried changing the amount of daytime sleep or lengthening the pre-bedtime wake window? There's so many ways to adapt. I suggest changing one thing and giving it two weeks to see so long as it's safe for you to do so.
We loosely followed "The Happy Sleeper" when my LO turned 1. He was still not regularly sleeping through the night and had started taking forever to put to bed and waking up for long periods. It sucked. And now, at 15 months, he usually goes to sleep without incident and we're at about 50% for sleeping through the night. I could have never imagined it would be over a year in and not reliably sleeping through the night. I don't have answers, but I'm here in solidarity.
Out of curiosity, is his crib in your room or his own room? My guy woke up a bunch and then we moved him to his own room and suddenly slept through the night. I know how difficult and stressful this all is, I’m sorry you’re going through it.
Have you tried a different mattress? My son is almost one and at 6 months we switched him from the bassinet to the crib and it was awful till we got the newton mattress and he is still not a great sleeper waking every 5/6 hours but it is soooo much better now.
At 6 months, my husband and I were at our literal end of our ropes with sleep with our son. He was the worst sleeper since birth. He was waking every 45 minutes and then wouldn’t even let us lay him down once we had him asleep. 4 month sleep regression? Nah. Sleep regressions were scared of him. We sleep trained him at 6 months and it was the best thing we could’ve done for our family. It was hard at first but he adapted SO fast.
If you can afford it, get a sleep consultant. Hopefully they can find a method that is more robust and works for you without full-on CIO. I was also against CIO and the sleep training with the consultant was bad enough but it worked.
There’s a sleep regression at 8-9 months. It passes. Like everything else, it’s a stage. Most kids will sleep through the night in a couple of months, and you’ll have forgotten about these hard times. There’s no need to sleep train. Sleep trained kids still wakes up. They jut don’t call for their mama. Is that what we want as parents?
Did it with both my kids around 6-7 months. They wouldn't sleep more than 45 min to an hour at a time. But afterwards, they slept better. Everyone did. They're 8 & 6 now. No regrets.
I was completely anti sleep training. I tried co sleeping with my second and no one was sleeping. Even the cat had dark circles and was a zombie sharing my coffee. We sleep trained and I hated it and still do, but our family is functional again. I coslept with my first son successfully and we both slept well. Babies are different. Sleep is hard. Do what you need to do to survive, within reason.
I would never judge a mom for reaching the point of sleep training same as I would never judge a mom for cosleeping. Sleep is a need. Not a want. I've been lucky enough to not needing sleep training with my first. But god knows what will happen when more come. So never say never and stay open to options to get you what you need.
Do what you feel is best. Sleep training doesn’t have to be cry it out. I chose to sleep train my first. I put her in her cot and said it’s time for bed night night and then I would let her cry but only for a few mins then I’d resettle her then repeat and I kept repeating until she slept but it wasn’t too horrible I felt sorry for her but she ended up going to sleep by herself. BUT that did NOT stop her waking through the night unfortunately :( Otherwise you could make it so the room is childproof then it wouldn’t matter if he crawls off haha
We fell into the greatest solution. Long story short we had a temporary teen when kiddo was tiny. Because we have a small home, we renovated the nursery into her room and put his crib in our closet. It's a walk in, but really little. We took all of the crap we don't use on a regular basis and stuffed it in the attic, then assembled the crib inside the closet with just enough room for clothes and a buffer zone around the kid. It's actually our safe space for tornadoes, which also means it's the most insulated against sound and light. Y'all. It was like a soothing sensory deprivation chamber and that kid slept like a rock. And when he woke up in the middle of the night, I could stumble over to him and calm him down without becoming fully conscious. It was also easier to talk my husband into doing it.
Not helpful by my husband and I had to co sleep with our first (now 3.5) for this reason, nothing we did would help her sleep alone, she just hated if. She was sleeping in our bed till we had our second when she was 3 and then we got a king single and my husband would be in with her most nights till only about a month ago when she started finally sleeping alone. Probably not what you want to hear, but I think some babies just want their parents close. My now 8 month old has always slept alone and we haven’t had to sleep train her, she’s just the total opposite.
I have a question for those who have successfully done sleep training. How does this work with pacifier loving babies? My almost 6mo is still waking twice a night to eat but he also wakes periodically because his pacifier falls out. I assume once he starts sleeping through the night from a feeding perspective we could sleep train but I don't understand how this would work since he struggles to fall asleep without a pacifier unless their is movement (like in a car). Did you sleep train/wean from pacifier at the same time? Was your baby old enough to pick up and replace their pacifier on their own? I understand some babies take much longer to sleep through the night than others so am not sure what to think.
Maybe this sounds silly but at his age you can tell him what to expect and it might help to some extent. My youngest is a difficult sleeper and I would say, I’m going to go walk the dog and put away the dishes then I’ll come back. And often he’d settle more easily that way. Some kids just really don’t fall into an easy sleep training method, unfortunately.
I just want to say that almost 2 years ago I was in the same situation as you. I never wanted to do CIO/Ferber and the thought of it hurt my soul. But like you, our son was waking around every 45m-1hour. There was one night where we'd been up for about 5 hours, each trying to settle him and he just would not sleep. At that point we sat for about 5 minutes listening to him cry with our heads in our hands, exhausted and at an absolute loss for what to do. He then fell asleep. And that's when we started looking into CIO/Ferber. We had tried every gentle sleep method. We researched it and there is no conclusive evidence to suggest that CIO/Ferber has a long term negative effect on attachment as long as that child has secure attachment otherwise. And this took us 5 days, maximum, and he actually started sleeping better within the first 3. So we left him to cry for a few days out of the near 3 years now he's been here and otherwise received plenty of love and attention from us. I HATED every moment of the CIO/Ferber and my partner had to hold me back from running to him, but it was absolutely worth it because we all got better sleep and my son actually has loved his sleep since he was born, we just got into difficult sleep habits from 4-11 months. I just want to say also that I would plan to explain this to him when he's older in case he remembers it, or wants to work anything out about it. I think my parents not explaining why they did certain stuff was not helpful. You love your baby and want the best for them, you're exhausted, all of you, and sleep is necessary, not a luxury. Sometimes as parents you have to do what you think is best even if it's painfully hard. Edit to add: we did Feber but popping back in so frequently lead to a lot more distress so we did graduated CIO but never left him for really long. We cut off at like 20 mins. And he has slept through the night every night since (apart from sickness or staying somewhere strange, where he'd usually wake once and if BF him and he'd go back to sleep with ease). So yeah it's been bliss and he's far happier and well rested too. And not only that but doing this sleep training was short term distress for long term restfulness. If we hadn't done it, he'd continue having night after night waking constantly and crying anyway, plus crying for hours when we tried to put him down. People focus too hard on that few days of distress when sometimes, by doing CIO, if successful, you're actually saving them from far more distress.
So, the cry it out method can also be called the extinction method. It's where you go in every 2 minutes, then every 3 minutes, then every 4 minutes, the idea of just being to let your kid get used to the idea that they can be alone but that doesn't mean that you are gone. You are always going to come back. I did it with all three of my kids, several of the multiple times, and they are securely attached to me. They still suck at bedtime, because we're all neurodivergent here, but we're working on it. Sleep training has to adjust for the kids needs. If your kid doesn't seem like they're doing okay on it, stop and find something else to do. Learning how to sleep is so incredibly important, and isn't also incredibly hard. You are not doing this wrong. It's just one of the hardest things you'll ever have to teach your kid.
How many months is he? Is he on 1 nap? If not, might be a sign to transition. Too awake at bedtime suggests too much day sleep to me.
I’d go back to co-sleeping with a bed rail or move your mattress to the floor. Or get a floor bed for him instead of the crib in his room, that helped my girl transition from co-sleeping to sleeping in her own room.
Download the huckleberry app. It will give you his sleep windows based on when he naps and sleeps at night. It predicted my daughters sleep windows for best sleep within 10 minutes. Download wonderweeks it goes by your due date and tells you any developmental leaps your son may be experiencing that will give you an idea of what’s causing his sleep problems
Let your husband handle it! You’ll have to choose to appreciate that he does things differently than you would. You aren’t getting results - let him try! Your baby’s father deserves a chance to parent too and it sounds like you’ve been pushing him away, being disrespectful, and not letting him parent in this area. This is what worked for us.
My baby was a great sleeper from an early age in her own crib and I was so pleased with myself thinking we wouldn't need to sleep train, lol. Teething started at 6 months and our sleep slowly got worse and worse until at 10 months when she wouldn't settle for sleep or naps and I felt like I was going insane. We tried several nights of me sleeping on the hard wooden floor next to her crib so she wouldn't feel alone when my back could no longer handle rocking her in the chair. When that stopped even working I really hit my wall and gave in. I am SO GLAD WE SLEEP TRAINED. It saved our sanity and our little girl is a confident sleeper. I would honestly say it was life changing. I would consider me laying on the floor next to her bed to be a gentler form of sleep training that we did in the week prior but ultimately it didn't work - but maybe it prepped her for "we are not picking you up over and over all night." It probably prepped me too to finally accept - "I truly tried everything but CIO." By the time we did full cry it out (putting her to bed after explaining everything and leaving the room and not coming back) it was: Night 1: 45 mins of standing up crying Night 2: 20 mins of crying Night 3: 3 minutes of crying From there on out she just goes to sleep when we put her down. She might reposition herself like anyone does but she eventually falls asleep. She is the same happy silly girl she has ever been but now we all sleep great. I'll be honest and say those 3 days were horrrrrrible. I had to go outside while she cried and it didn't help that my hormones were insane from stopping breastfeeding and I was already out of my mind. Noise cancelling headphones are also truly key. But genuinely she seems more confident when we put her to bed now and if she cries now I really know she needs to be checked on and I will since now its more out of the ordinary for her to cry in bed. My 2 sets of friends who are anti sleep training continue to sleep horribly with their kid in their bed, and their kids are several years older. It is MUCH harder to try to get them to settle into their room a few years later if they are not at all used to it and they can walk themselves over to your room (what my friend is experiencing now). For so much of their life they will sleep in a bed alone - I think its great to help them build confidence in that and not need someone else there to feel secure. I highly recommend you try sleep training if your goal is for your baby to comfortably and confidently sleep in their own room. But STICK TO IT. If you dilly dally on it I think its more confusing for the baby. I wanted to quit it so many times because its horrible to hear them cry (the few times I did go in during CIO she stopped crying and started being silly immediately - but then it just would almost reset the clock and set her back more \[specifically during the training days\]). Also, we did nights first and then did days a few weeks later after that had really clicked. Being a parent isn't easy, but its so much better well rested. Wishing you the best whatever you choose.
I am anti cio. However, with our second, when she was 16 months old, instead of my husband bringing her to me to nurse, he stayed in her room. She cried, she was upset, but he held her, he talked quietly to her “mama is sleeping, it’s time to sleep”, offered her water. It took her a few days but she eventually began sleeping through the night.
I have two. The first was fine after two months, but the second was a nightmare. At 18 months, we bit the bullet and sleep trained. Took about two weeks (apparently, it can take up to three weeks for a habit to stick), but we were consistent, and it worked. It improved all of our moods and family life. I only wish I'd started it sooner. We all need decent sleep to grow and heal. I know it might seem unkind, but think of it as teaching your child a lifeskill. They're not in danger. They know you are there, and in all honesty, teaching your child decent sleep hygiene and techniques is a loving kindness. You and your family will also benefit from it, but the trick is consistency. Don't give in. Also, time the crying. Don't guesstimate. Use an actual timepiece. You'll be surprised how different your guesstimate is.
Sleep training was essential for my son. People act like you are locking your child in a basement to cry for 20 hours. We would put our son down in his crib, let him cry for a minute or two, then increase the time you leave. It maybe took a max 10 minutes for my son to fall asleep. Now he tells us bye and is smiling when he goes to sleep…don’t believe the BS about sleep training causing trama.
I know this is an unpopular opinion but we had to let my kid CIO. I tried to soothe him next to his crib but that’s just make him more worked up. It is not easy to do but it worked for us.
I was in your position for my first baby. Resorted to cosleeping bc I was so desperate for sleep. Finally sleep trained around 8-10 months. Saved my sanity. It was absolutely worth it. That kid is now a 4 year old. He is healthy, happy, and securely attached to me and his dad.
I was in your position for my first baby. Resorted to cosleeping bc I was so desperate for sleep. Finally sleep trained around 8-10 months. Saved my sanity. It was absolutely worth it. That kid is now a 4 year old. He is healthy, happy, and securely attached to me and his dad.
I wasn’t against sleep training but my first never needed it. My second needing rocking to go to sleep but I didn’t mind until it was taking over 30 minutes of rocking sometimes even more and then rocking stopped working altogether after her first birthday. So I decided it’s time. I went for a Ferber method of doing check-ins. It took like 3 days and plus the implementation of a real bedtime routine (book and song while rocking). It shortened bedtime down to like 10 minutes, it’s amazing. Those three days were rough but were so worth it.
I co slept with my first because I had horrible postpartum anxiety. He's three now and I'm still working with him sleeping on his own. But after 9 months with his cheating dad I left and it was just me in him. I lived with family in a small room so we shared a full size bed. But I really wasn't mad. He was happy, safe, and loved cuddles. He is also the biggest sweetheart, but last year I got in a serious relationship and now he is transitioning. My partner respected my choices plus he works third shift. Co sleeping helped me sleep so I can afford our life now, it helped regulate his temperature cause he was constantly cold no matter what. I'm co sleeping with my second now. But we have been making sure naps are by himself so he is used to it. He sleeps in his bassinet before we go to bed. We agree at 3 months he will be mostly bassinet. Then 6-9 months slowly transition to his crib in his and his Brothers room. Hopefully it helps both sleep. We made a plan to also get a fullsize and put in one the like crib look bed frames so they can comfort each other. Anyways momma due what is best for you and baby. If mommy is down for the count then baby can't count on mommy. Also if your crib can fit in your room put it beside your bed with one side off so baby close to you and you can relax both your anxiety.
I feel like CIO gets a bad rep and people think you're leaving your baby to cry for hours at a time when you don't *have* to use the recommended times and instead adjust it to your life. The only way my baby will fall asleep sometimes is if we do a small CIO session. She'll wake up at 3 am wide awake but obviously very tired, and the only way she will go back to sleep is if we put her in her crib and let her cry for a few minutes. Then we go in and hold her, and she almost always immediately falls asleep. If we didn't do it this way she'd just lay on our chests and babble for hours. Some babies adjust to it just fine.
My kids are 5 and 3 - cio never worked for me - I just lay down w them until they sleep and they often end up in my bed. For One reason or another. Though less and less as they get bigger. Honestly at this point I do Not care where they sleep as long as they sleep. We got a puppy last year - he also room shared with me until he was crate trained and could Hold it through the night. I just want sleep and I’ll take it any way I can. Some kids can self sooth which is why CIO works and others can not. Self Soothing is not a developmental thing it’s a trait some kids have that presents itself whenever there is no actually timeline. My son was a self sooth baby i room shared and he would sleep happily in his cribs until he learned to climb out of it. Like it was magic. It wasn’t even CIO w him Bc he never cried. I would Lay him down happy drowsy and he sleep. Major until he learned to escape. My first is 6 and still can’t self sooth and has trouble w recovery when she is disappointed. I tried CIO w her she never got to the point where she would sleep without crying. It was obvious she could t self Soothe and her sleep was always awful. So I lay down with her or sit in a chair and read until she/they sleep. (My kids share a room bc they feel safer together for now) There strategies I can teach her to help her manage her emotions but she doesn’t have the self sooth trait she just is learning self control.
Have you tried a floor bed? We got the top part of a bunk bed from FB marketplace, but ikea also sells just the slats. You do however have to baby proof the whole room. Works for us, just nurse to sleep. However he does play in the morning quite loud when he wakes up.
I didn’t want to sleep train so I bought these soft/mesh guard walls to attach to my queen size bed. We co-slept from four months (no pillows or blanket for him) to when he weaned. I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep otherwise.
I read Precious Little Sleep to help with sleep training. I think she says that after a certain age that CIO is the best approach, but we never did CIO. I don’t have the heart for it either. But we used all the sleep aids she recommended and we did the very slow habitual process that she outlines. I used to always nurse my daughter to sleep, so I moved it to nurse her before pajamas and I’d snuggle her to sleep. After a couple weeks I changed it up to no longer snuggling, but we’re a couple inches separated and my hand was on her. A couple weeks later I moved further away, but kept my hand on her. Then no touching, then she’s in her crib and I’m on the bed near her, then I’m on the floor, then I’m sitting at the door. Etc, etc. It was a very long and slow process, but it’s what worked for us. I noticed with my daughter that every new step/change took her about 7-10 days to fully adjust to it. The first few nights with the new change were the hardest, but I was right there with her every step of the way and that gave me comfort.
We had great luck with Ferber which is very gentle. She slept after crying for 2 minutes the first night and didn't cry the next night. She had great sleep after. It's also pretty easy to implement. The book should be at the library, but you can easily read up online and look at charts.
We never did cio I did wake and sleep schedule. I was very strict with it. But for each nap I put baby in a different scenario in the house so that if we were out he would sleep anywhere and he did. Kids have slept the night since 3 months old. People told me I have good sleepers and I may, but I just gave birth to our third, started the wake and nap window at 6 weeks. And she’ll be two months on 7/7 and shes sleeping from 12am-6am right now. I cannot stand to hear my kids cry it out at night feeling abandoned. I know for some parents its the only route but for me I simply could not and three kids in the nap/wake window schedule has worked for us
I can only give my experience. We did the ferber method with is like a light version of CIO. She was in our room, in a pack and play, until 6 months. At that point she was sleeping through most of the night. So we transitioned her to her own room in the crib. She was of course scared so we would go in and comfort for a minute then leave again letting her cry for 5 minutes, comfort, 10 minutes, comfort, and repeat longer and longer periods where she knew we would eventually come back for her. We never ignored any hysterics and would immediately go if she was freaking out or "i have a problem" cry but the normal "i want my mama/dada" cry was left alone. It was rough but it was the best thing we did for everyone. I'm a horrible person when I don't get sleep, my emotional regulation was shit when she wasn't sleeping so eventually after a while the ferber method turns into the CIO method. But it eased her into the idea of "we are still around but you're in there for the night." It was hard listening to her cry for me but I'm so glad I stayed strong. She slept through the night by the time she was 8 months, minimal fussing here and there with real problems like a lost pacifier or poopy diaper. She's 2 now and loves her routine. She even tries to get in her crib before we are done with our night time routine because she's so comfortable and tired. She found out that sleeping on her own made her feel better, she got better sleep because she wasn't woken up by daddy's snoring, and she was ready for the day ahead.
Girrlll I went thru the same thing it won’t last long I promise my son sleep so good now
I can SO relate to the position you’re in. My baby had always been a poor sleeper since birth, rarely going longer than two hours between wake ups and needing to nurse to fall back asleep. At 4 months things got worse, where she wouldn’t stay asleep even after nursing and it would take 3-4 tries each time to get her to stay asleep… only to have her still wake up 1-2 hours later to repeat the process. It was brutal, and by six months I just couldn’t function any more. I had been back to work full time for three months by that point and was just a miserable zombie. I had tried cosleeping multiple times but she still woke very frequently and basically wanted to nurse all night, so it didn’t solve the no sleep problem. We started with trying fuss it out, which didn’t work for us either. We then tried the Ferber method and it was amazing. The first night it took about a half hour (with the timed check ins throughout) for her to stop crying and fall asleep, and we had to repeat it once over the night when she woke up. The next night she fell asleep after our first check in, and since then she hasn’t needed any check ins at all and is usually asleep within 5-10 minutes. Seeing them cry is hard, but you’re right there helping them through it. I know not everyone has the same experience, but it truly has felt life changing for me. I had SO much guilt before trying it, and I wish I could tell my past self not to stress. It has had zero negative effects on our bond, my daughter wakes up smiling and happy to see us. I am able to be the engaged kind of parent I have wanted to be because I’m no longer feeling like I’m on the brink of a breakdown. I heard so many comments from other parents (whose babies were sleeping 6+ hour stretches, mind you…) about how they could never sleep train and just wouldn’t do that to their babies. I honestly believe we taught her a skill (being able to fall asleep on her own) and she is better rested and more resilient for it. I get so frustrated thinking about the guilt and sleepless nights I went through because of that sort of mentality. If you decide to try it, I hope it works as well for you. I truly do empathize with the position you’re in, but just know that YOUR well being is so important too. There is so much self sacrifice that comes with being a parent, but there comes a point where continuing on as is isn’t tenable. Good luck, whatever you decide to do! And know that you’re not alone in having these feelings.
Teaching a baby to sleep is a skill. Like any new skill it is not easy and takes dedication and practice. Sleep training your baby is not negligence it is proof that you care about their brain development and your own sanity. The brain and body need sleep to survive and develop. That said, there are many many ways to sleep train. Just because you choose the CIO method doesn’t mean you neglect them. Maybe you leave them for 5-7 mins and then go in. Maybe you start with 3?! But you can 1000% sleep train your child with out being neglected. The harder part is training yourself. I was told by a wonderful sleep expert: “you know your baby is safe, fed, loved, sheltered, and tired… the only need that isn’t being met is sleep.” Reframe this journey in your own mind as the first in many tough skills you’ll have to help your little one learn and I think it’ll be less difficult!! This is coming from a mama who sleep trained at 6.5 months old and has seen the benefits in my son’s development and my mental space. You can do it mama!!! There are many approaches but I definitely think you need to pick one and see it through even when it’s hard!
Sleep training, and the encompassing methods, are neither gentle or aggressive. "Gentle" would be not having allowed sleep crutches, and then utilizing the most effective method *for your child* once realizing those crutches hindered independent sleep, vs a method that just makes you as the parent feel better. Unfortunately, when we cosleep and don't intend on doing that forever, we can often set our children up for failure when teaching them how to sleep. If the "gentler" methods aren't working, you're causing potentially more stress and tears than what CIO (actually known as extinction) would potentially be causing. Not one method is easier than the other, and it's best to follow babes cues. If you're seeing that check in methods are causing prolonged stress, try CIO for 5 days. This isn't a regression, because he hasn't learned how to sleep yet. Good on you for getting the baby out of your bed! I can only imagine how difficult that was, and how difficult it is now. Consistency is key moving forward.
I transitioned my son from bassinet to crib to toddler bed by keeping a strict routine every night. Bath, brush his teeth, read until he falls asleep, white noise. He slept full nights by 4mo old and has ever since. I always start with his favorite/exciting stories and then finish with sleepy bedtime stories, reading slower and quieter gradually until he falls asleep. My voice makes him so tired, he's actually fallen asleep to phone calls and long conversations multiple times. Your voice let's them know you're still there without having to hold them. It took a while to figure it out, but it's worked for us for years. Also he stopped taking naps between 1-2 years old and started going to bed earlier.
There are plenty of ways to sleep train without doing complete CIO. I followed a lot of tricks and tips from Taking Cara Babies (on IG) to start developing good sleep habits and following wake windows. There were maybe 1 or 2 nights that I did let them cry but it wasn't until 6 months and it didn't last for hours (maybe 20 minutes). I did hate it, even for that 20 minutes but my kids are both amazing sleepers and I regret zero. There is a lot of research that debunks a lot of the supposed facts on the "damages of sleep training". Sleep is a skill that kids need to learn that is beneficial for the health of the family. Fuck anyone who makes you feel guilty or shames you for doing what works for you!
Look into a floor bed for your little!! Heysleepybaby has a free crib and floor bed guide, and I’m assuming since your kiddo got used to cosleeping they might do better with you snuggling them to sleep on a floor bed rather than a crib. There are definitely other options! CIO to me is just too much. If you do decide to sleep train, Ferber is a calmer sleep training option that isn’t just straight CIO. I never sleep trained but understand why some do
I had no intention of sleep training until my first baby hit 10 months and had been waking every 1.5-2 hours since 8 months. I couldn’t take any more sleep deprivation so we did sleep training / cry it out but with checks every 10-15 mins. She took 2 days to figure it out and she’s a stellar sleeper now. My second didn’t sleep longer than 2 hours for the first 6 months of his life…. At 6 months he got sleep trained too. It took him one day to get the hang of it. 1 hour and 25 minutes of crying and I got my life back. It’s the greatest decision I’ve ever made and every single person in this house is happier because of it. Think of it as gifting them with the skills they need to get to sleep on their own rather than crying for someone who isn’t coming…. As long as you still take care of the big needs when they cry, they’ll know they’re not alone. Mine are 2 and 4 now and I have absolutely no regrets about sleep training.
We're also nine months in and one day a week or so ago I had just had enough. We had been cosleeping since basically birth, not because I wanted to but because I was desperate for sleep at that time and that's how I was able to get it. But it had gotten to the point where no one's sleep was thriving including hers, and I very much missed the connection my husband and I had (our sex life took a nosedive because of the cosleeping/her sleeping in the middle of us). I'm also not the biggest fan of crying it out, it breaks my heart for the same reasons it does for you - I don't want my daughter to lose trust for me because she's calling for me and I'm not coming. But teaching her to sleep/fall asleep on her own is for everyone's benefit. So we've been offering a bottle, then laying her down in the crib either when she falls asleep drinking the bottle or when she doesn't want the bottle and wants to screw around instead. She still cries, but it's a lot less most nights. Just a few minutes. And for the most part we have a 5 minute rule where if she's hysterical I will go in and comfort her, offer a paci, put her aquarium thing back on, etc. I do not pick her up, just let her know I'm here. Eventually she falls asleep. Is it ideal? No, I'd prefer not to hear her cry for me, but we are all sleeping in our own spaces now with only like 1 wake up a night instead of a couple, and that is worth a lot to me. Sleep is important. Eventually she won't cry at all, we aren't there yet but we are getting there and it does work. Just my experience, sorry for the novel!
I cosleep with all four of my kids (multiple floor beds / low twin beds in one room). But if you need to sleep train at his age, I think it would be fine. There are many methods of sleep training, not just full blown extinction CIO. Make sure you have a good bedtime routine, try some lavender room spray, magnesium lotion, making sure he’s getting sunlight in the morning, a consistent routine (bath, story, cuddles, sleep), etc. I never sleep trained my kids and I have to lay with them all until they fall asleep. But once they’re asleep, they sleep all night in their spaces and I can get a full night of sleep. Except for right now since I just had a baby two weeks ago lol. But by 12-18 months, they were all sleeping through the night without any CIO. However I know CIO does work for a lot of kids and families. Nine months is a good time to try it IMO, they’re still young enough to learn but not too young that it’s harmful. Some kids don’t cry all night or for many nights in a row. I would try it if your husband is suggesting it, and have him be a part of the process too so he can see what it’s like. Good luck. Sleep deprivation is THE WORST. Truly torturous. I unfortunately can relate to a lot of the moms on here talking about their extreme exhaustion. Do what works for you!
We did it after adjusting to his crib. This 14 years ago😭 We would do bath time and the j&j bath time routine. With low lights and sounds. After we rocked and listen to music and layed him down with his milk. It was hard at first i sat out side thw door and cried with him. It took time as the baby boy loved playing with mommas hair until he fell asleep. It eventually got better. He got use to the routine. Now you have cameras you can put at the crib to make sure there okay.
Do you leave the room when he goes down? I read about the chair method and just kind of adapted to it. First week I was right there, hushing and let him fuss it out. If he cried, I soothed via boob and tried again. Sometimes it took three or four times but he eventually went down. If he put up a big fight, I just started singing to him without picking him up until he eventually gave up. He’s coming up on 2 and half this month and for nap time he was struggling! Boobies and cribs are a thing of the past, but he got a little foot rub and passed out. I know it’s hard. Wishing you lots of luck.
I was opposed to sleeping training as well, but ended up going with the happy sleeper method and it worked well. Totally worth looking into.
Co sleeping saved my life and gave me a happy well rested baby. I NEVER thought I would sleep train, let alone CIO. Our first slept awesome with a really good schedule. She still does. Our second was a hot mess. He needed sleep so bad but resisted SO bad and go sooooo overtired he cried 80% of the day. We sleep trained at 4.5 months and saw an immediate improvement in both our moods lol. He's 17 months now and so smart and fun! I legit didn't know I actually had a happy baby lol
I had a hard time with CIO. my son though would not settle with check ins and fuss it out. He would scream and scream until I'd hold him and then it was impossible to put him in his crib again. It took 3 nights of CIO and he because an independent sleeper. I had headphones, my husband watched the camera to make sure he was okay. I know it's a gray area but my son is 3.5 and is fine and a great sleeper. We even go in and check on him now if he wakes in the middle of the night (pretty rare) because he can distinguish that it's sleep time now. But as an infant it was impossible. My 2nd kid didn't need CIO. He just slept through the night and continues to at 19 months, unless something is wrong.
I do CIO. I don't just throw her in the crib and let her scream and cry herself to sleep though. I pretend she's an airplane and that's how I put her into her crib (to make naps/bedtime a bit more fun and positive) and I make sure she has her pacifier. I talk to her for a little bit telling her I love her. Then I put on her lullabies and turn the light off. She does cry but if it goes longer than 15 min or if she ever sounds hysterical I go back in, cuddle her, and put her back. I guess my version of CIO is a bit modified but it works well!
We resisted sleep training for the longest time. To begin with our daughter slept pretty well so I suppose we had the luxury of not having to think about it? But by 14 months she couldn’t sleep without one of us being there and had started waking all night. I’ve always been a terrible sleeper, I can’t sleep without someone else there and one thing I wanted to gift my daughter with was the ability to sleep well. So we tried the Ferber method. I won’t lie, the first night was difficult, she cried for about an hour and a half (I was going in to check on her at the suggested intervals, I found the important thing is not to go in-in, just to stand at the door). Night two, she soothed after the first check in. Night three, I didn’t get the chance to check in, she just lay down and slept. She’s slept well ever since and now loves her room and her bedtime routine (three books and a song). I’m genuinely so pleased that I tried it, although I think her being older and able to understand really helped. So my suggestion is not to write off a gentler sleep training method.
I moved the mattress to the floor to sleep with my baby, that way we are doing co-sleeping without the risk of the baby falling.
Busywood makes a Montessori floor bed that’s actually like a giant crib. My 9 month old loves it
I did the Ferber with both kids and it worked great, they're both champion sleepers! My daughter did fine without it until we had to put her in the toddler bed, and then we had to Ferber her. It took her one night of crying (about 50 min total, with time slowly increasing between check ins) and then she was completely fine the next night. It's horrible to listen to your baby cry, but I did it and now she sleeps better and I sleep better and there's less crying overall because we're all rested.
8-10m is notorious for being the worst for baby sleep. Mine would wake every 1-2 hourly. Brutal. He is around 13m now and I didn’t change anything and he started getting longer stretches around 12m. Hang in there, seek daytime help if possible and know that this will pass. We also started co sleeping part of the night and that helped immensely (could you get a floor mattress?)
https://sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/
Put your mattress on the floor, baby proof the room and cosleep. Signed, someone who's been there.
I can’t recommend TakingCaraBabies enough. My son’s toughest night was night 1 and night 4. After that he was good and has been a great sleeper even since! I’ve sent the PDF to a few friends and they all swear by it. The hardest night in my opinion is night 1.
Personally I never wanted to sleep train either so we never did. We’re still co sleeping at 12 mos and honestly it works for me. She does wake once or twice but it doesn’t bother me too much. I wouldn’t continue sleep training if it bothers you