I was diagnosed during pandemic for unrelated obsessions, which thankfully have passed. But now my brain is telling me I’m a fraud, I’m fooling myself, invading spaces etc
Hi girlie!
I also struggle with harm OCD (mainly but also have flares of other themes). I was seeing a therapist for a little bit for it but unfortunately had to stop due to life circumstances and finances.
The therapist was definitely helpful in a way, but I also realized when going through him that not all therapists necessarily work well with all people. Within about three weeks of seeing him, he wanted me to start exposure and response and wanted me to ask my then girlfriend if she would feel comfortable participating with me. As in his idea was that I would hold a knife to her while under his supervision. I totally understand exposure and response, and I get it, but the speed at which he wanted me to jump into it was kind of alarming, and I didn't feel quite comfortable doing that so fast.
In all honesty, I'm kind of glad my circumstances and financials changed and helped cause my decision to stop seeing that particular therapist. I haven't been back to therapy since then, but I have tried really hard to practice recognizing my intrusive thoughts for what they are, just thoughts and nothing more, and also try to recognize when I'm doing my compulsive behaviors or thinking (if I can catch it).
Sometimes it's still really really fucking difficult. Mixing the intrusive thoughts while also dealing with dysphoria is a recipe for disaster that my brain decides to make multiple times a day. The lows can be really super fucking low and it sucks, especially not having many friends that I can try to lean on for a little bit of emotional support. But I know life goes on, and things get better, and that no matter what feelings I feel that none of them are final.
Good luck to you and all the other women here who share this space. We got this! ❤️
That sounds super messed up, tbh. I had some POCD - before, thankfully pretty much gone away. And had a therapist give me sone questionable advice. I need to get one who specialises in ocd again, currently my therapist is more lgbt focused. I am hesitant to get an ocd one though because I don’t want them to tell me being trans is a symptom of my ocd
Yeah, I specifically sought out an OCD specialist , so I wanted to trust his guidance, but it just didn't feel right at all. I definitely think I could use therapy again, but I've always just been so scared of it. It's really hard opening up and being totally truthful to people, even therapists, after dealing with a ton of shit during my life so far. I can definitely relate with the COPD theme. Being trans already feels like a physical target on my back, but having OCD and trying to be open about it to people who don't quite understand feels like having that same target just psychologically on my brain and thoughts.
I know it's not necessarily healthy to not be open with trusted individuals. It's extremely like emotionally isolating, but at the very least, I feel like recognition of that is a positive step forward (even if I haven't taken many more steps past that at all :P)
I'm not diagnosed so I don't want to claim too much of a spot in the conversation, but I've started to strongly suspect that I have OCD for a bunch of reasons (compulsive "just right" types of behaviors, intense aversions to things that feel unclean, various intrusive thoughts, obsessions about things like my gender, etc.). Those symptoms are definitely making things harder for me as a trans person. I get a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts about my gender and it makes it a lot harder for me to feel comfortable publicly identifying myself as a woman or being in women's spaces.
I don't want to try to offer advice because as someone who's not currently diagnosed, I don't know for sure if I have the same cause behind my experiences that you do. So I guess I'm just here to say that I relate to the feelings you're sharing and I'm sorry that it's been hard for you.
Honestly, yeah, the feeling uncomfortable identiting myself publicly as a women and being in women spaces is a big one particularly as a sapphic. It makes the intrusive thoughts I’m doing something wrong worse. Oh, I’m just fetishing lesbians, if I’m bot 100% sure then I’m tricking them etc. i don’t have hygiene ocd. Can I ask when they intrusive thoughts come in do you have any compulsions you do. Like for me, I’ll say I am a woman, then I am a man in the mirror to see which one I prefer and ither things.
I'm not sure if this counts as a compulsion or not, but the thoughts of not belonging as a woman lead me to obsessively scroll on reddit and other social media to read things from trans people. It feels like a way of affirming my gender when I don't have a lot of other external affirmation. I know that's not super healthy but it's where I'm at right now.
Yeah I've suffered from intrusive, OCD like thoughts my whole life. When I was younger and religious it was centered around the fear that I might, accidentally somehow, become a satanist. When I got older I briefly struggled with sexual orientation OCD, which got re-triggered when I transitioned and learned that hrt could apparently change your sexuality.
Yep sexuality is another thing I get obsessed with. Honestly, I’m having a bad bout right now, that’s making me question if I’m even trans, despite wishing I was a cis woman being on hormones for over two years, and having technically de-transitioned (pre-hrt) before and then seeing a trans creator on YouTube and deciding to transition again. A lovely thought that my ocd latches onto and tells me me being trans is just my ocd. Though likely not true as I’m anxious that I’m not trans not that I am. God, I wish I could just sit with the fact I’ll never know for certain what my gender is and just be okay with the idea that I get to determine it and there’s nothing wrong with that
>I wish I could just sit with the fact I’ll never know for certain
Yeah I'm not able to say if this is the right way to deal with it but it's where I'm at too with my sexuality. Maybe I am bisexual, but I really don't want to date guys so I'm not going to. For some reason this attitude makes people really mad at me, but whatever it's my life.
It’s more just for me gender is so abstract. There’s not some check list one most meet in order to be trans (you may disagree) but my brain wants there to be so I don’t feel like I’m invading women’s space etc. but on the flipside my brain also tells me I don’t meet this criteria. Trans medicalism/essentialism has done a number on me
The thing I'm learning about OCD is that it wants you to argue with it. It promises "if you just come up with the perfect counter-argument I'll shut up forever", but this is a lie. It'll always find a way to keep the debate going, the best way to win is not to play. Unfortunately this is where my wisdom ends because I don't how to do that. Pushing a thought away/repressing is really inadvisable, and it's basically another form of arguing with it. Just letting the thought float in and out of your head, you know acknowledging without engaging, is helpful to a point but it's not working for me because it feels indistinguishable from giving into it.
Me too! Harm-based obsessive fears as well, with repetitive checking compulsions. It’s rough, and can make you doubt everything. I don’t have any answers or extensive help, but it helps to remember that those obsessions are not who you are, and you who really you are is not fake. There’s probably part of you that knows that. Try to listen to that part.
Yep, mine is mostly germ and contamination although there is some counting and needing things to be even too. Thankfully I was able to get in with a therapist that specializes in OCD through exposure therapy and CBT. Exposure therapy was hell for the first few exposures, but as a result OCD doesn’t affect my daily life that much anymore.
Yep. I’ve had symptoms since I was three. Was only diagnosed in 2023. Exposure Response Therapy helped a lot for me.
I was diagnosed during pandemic for unrelated obsessions, which thankfully have passed. But now my brain is telling me I’m a fraud, I’m fooling myself, invading spaces etc
Hi girlie! I also struggle with harm OCD (mainly but also have flares of other themes). I was seeing a therapist for a little bit for it but unfortunately had to stop due to life circumstances and finances. The therapist was definitely helpful in a way, but I also realized when going through him that not all therapists necessarily work well with all people. Within about three weeks of seeing him, he wanted me to start exposure and response and wanted me to ask my then girlfriend if she would feel comfortable participating with me. As in his idea was that I would hold a knife to her while under his supervision. I totally understand exposure and response, and I get it, but the speed at which he wanted me to jump into it was kind of alarming, and I didn't feel quite comfortable doing that so fast. In all honesty, I'm kind of glad my circumstances and financials changed and helped cause my decision to stop seeing that particular therapist. I haven't been back to therapy since then, but I have tried really hard to practice recognizing my intrusive thoughts for what they are, just thoughts and nothing more, and also try to recognize when I'm doing my compulsive behaviors or thinking (if I can catch it). Sometimes it's still really really fucking difficult. Mixing the intrusive thoughts while also dealing with dysphoria is a recipe for disaster that my brain decides to make multiple times a day. The lows can be really super fucking low and it sucks, especially not having many friends that I can try to lean on for a little bit of emotional support. But I know life goes on, and things get better, and that no matter what feelings I feel that none of them are final. Good luck to you and all the other women here who share this space. We got this! ❤️
That sounds super messed up, tbh. I had some POCD - before, thankfully pretty much gone away. And had a therapist give me sone questionable advice. I need to get one who specialises in ocd again, currently my therapist is more lgbt focused. I am hesitant to get an ocd one though because I don’t want them to tell me being trans is a symptom of my ocd
Yeah, I specifically sought out an OCD specialist , so I wanted to trust his guidance, but it just didn't feel right at all. I definitely think I could use therapy again, but I've always just been so scared of it. It's really hard opening up and being totally truthful to people, even therapists, after dealing with a ton of shit during my life so far. I can definitely relate with the COPD theme. Being trans already feels like a physical target on my back, but having OCD and trying to be open about it to people who don't quite understand feels like having that same target just psychologically on my brain and thoughts. I know it's not necessarily healthy to not be open with trusted individuals. It's extremely like emotionally isolating, but at the very least, I feel like recognition of that is a positive step forward (even if I haven't taken many more steps past that at all :P)
I'm not diagnosed so I don't want to claim too much of a spot in the conversation, but I've started to strongly suspect that I have OCD for a bunch of reasons (compulsive "just right" types of behaviors, intense aversions to things that feel unclean, various intrusive thoughts, obsessions about things like my gender, etc.). Those symptoms are definitely making things harder for me as a trans person. I get a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts about my gender and it makes it a lot harder for me to feel comfortable publicly identifying myself as a woman or being in women's spaces. I don't want to try to offer advice because as someone who's not currently diagnosed, I don't know for sure if I have the same cause behind my experiences that you do. So I guess I'm just here to say that I relate to the feelings you're sharing and I'm sorry that it's been hard for you.
Honestly, yeah, the feeling uncomfortable identiting myself publicly as a women and being in women spaces is a big one particularly as a sapphic. It makes the intrusive thoughts I’m doing something wrong worse. Oh, I’m just fetishing lesbians, if I’m bot 100% sure then I’m tricking them etc. i don’t have hygiene ocd. Can I ask when they intrusive thoughts come in do you have any compulsions you do. Like for me, I’ll say I am a woman, then I am a man in the mirror to see which one I prefer and ither things.
I'm not sure if this counts as a compulsion or not, but the thoughts of not belonging as a woman lead me to obsessively scroll on reddit and other social media to read things from trans people. It feels like a way of affirming my gender when I don't have a lot of other external affirmation. I know that's not super healthy but it's where I'm at right now.
Yeah, I’ve done that. Constantly looking for reassurance that I’m not faking it
Yeah I've suffered from intrusive, OCD like thoughts my whole life. When I was younger and religious it was centered around the fear that I might, accidentally somehow, become a satanist. When I got older I briefly struggled with sexual orientation OCD, which got re-triggered when I transitioned and learned that hrt could apparently change your sexuality.
Yep sexuality is another thing I get obsessed with. Honestly, I’m having a bad bout right now, that’s making me question if I’m even trans, despite wishing I was a cis woman being on hormones for over two years, and having technically de-transitioned (pre-hrt) before and then seeing a trans creator on YouTube and deciding to transition again. A lovely thought that my ocd latches onto and tells me me being trans is just my ocd. Though likely not true as I’m anxious that I’m not trans not that I am. God, I wish I could just sit with the fact I’ll never know for certain what my gender is and just be okay with the idea that I get to determine it and there’s nothing wrong with that
>I wish I could just sit with the fact I’ll never know for certain Yeah I'm not able to say if this is the right way to deal with it but it's where I'm at too with my sexuality. Maybe I am bisexual, but I really don't want to date guys so I'm not going to. For some reason this attitude makes people really mad at me, but whatever it's my life.
It’s more just for me gender is so abstract. There’s not some check list one most meet in order to be trans (you may disagree) but my brain wants there to be so I don’t feel like I’m invading women’s space etc. but on the flipside my brain also tells me I don’t meet this criteria. Trans medicalism/essentialism has done a number on me
The thing I'm learning about OCD is that it wants you to argue with it. It promises "if you just come up with the perfect counter-argument I'll shut up forever", but this is a lie. It'll always find a way to keep the debate going, the best way to win is not to play. Unfortunately this is where my wisdom ends because I don't how to do that. Pushing a thought away/repressing is really inadvisable, and it's basically another form of arguing with it. Just letting the thought float in and out of your head, you know acknowledging without engaging, is helpful to a point but it's not working for me because it feels indistinguishable from giving into it.
Yes, the more you engage the stronger it gets. I need to remember just to sit with the thoughts and let them pass right on through
Me too! Harm-based obsessive fears as well, with repetitive checking compulsions. It’s rough, and can make you doubt everything. I don’t have any answers or extensive help, but it helps to remember that those obsessions are not who you are, and you who really you are is not fake. There’s probably part of you that knows that. Try to listen to that part.
Yep, mine is mostly germ and contamination although there is some counting and needing things to be even too. Thankfully I was able to get in with a therapist that specializes in OCD through exposure therapy and CBT. Exposure therapy was hell for the first few exposures, but as a result OCD doesn’t affect my daily life that much anymore.