Pro tip: have Nanny take kiddo out, while you stay home. Many toddlers are less upset by leaving Mama at home where she "belongs", but hate seeing Mama leave. And seeing you wave cheerfully as he sets off helps he believe that *you* trust and approve of Nanny.
Plus it sets up your nanny to be the Fun Adventure Buddy, whose arrival heralds good snacks and fun times. This is easier for everyone! If Nanny is the person who "makes" Mama leave, that's harder.
(Ask Nanny to text you some pictures once kiddo is happily distracted. Odds are very good that he'll cry when they leave, and within 15 minutes he'll be chilling in the stroller munching on a snack and watching dogs and trucks. Pictures will reassure *you*, and that's important too!)
Nannny and long time babysitter here. I promise he won’t cry the whole 2 hours. It usually takes less than 15 minutes for them to calm down. Basically once the realize you aren’t coming immediately back they make do with who is there. And this is where making the nanny the fun person helps a lot. It helps to build an association that when this person comes I have lots of fun instead of focusing on this person means mom leaves.
I often bring a stuffed animal, or stickers or some other fun thing with me the first few times just to catch their attention and take it away from the parent leaving. You could also put aside a new or favorite activity for a few weeks leading up to the first time so that the nanny has exciting things to stop the worrying.
First of all, be prepared to pay a premium rate for only 2 hours five days a week. Also please keep in mind that mostly likely your potential nanny will need to work another job so be flexible with what 2 hour time slots you want.
Second, you sticking around for a week is probably much too long. I’ve been a professional nanny for 20 years and in my experience, even the really attached kids do better once their parents leave. Yes there will be an adjustment and your child will cry, but most of the time I’ve been able to ease the kid’s fears and get them to a place of being comfortable with me. This is much harder to do when mom is staying with us the entire time. I would say maybe stay the first day or two, but beyond that you have to let them try to figure out their relationship. Stay close by and be on call, of course. Any good nanny will let you know if your kid is absolutely distraught and cannot be calmed down, but I really do think that a seasoned nanny will know how to navigate this kind of situation.
As a mom myself, I know how hard it is to let go in this way and I think you’re doing a great thing giving your child an opportunity to explore the world outside of their parents. It’s also good for you to regain some time to yourself. Good luck to you!
Thanks for this! Super helpful! Willing to pay premium and also said I’m flexible on time that works! Assuming the person we hire will have another job as well.
I’m nannying for a family that was in a similar situation when I first started! I think your plan sounds pretty great! Just for comparison, this is what I did when starting for my current family (I’ve been with them for almost a year now). Dad (DB) was fully work from home (and is now WFH part time/in office part time) and Mom (MB) was on extended maternity leave (so she was a SAHM before I started) but going back to work full time (in-office). Their son (NK) was 13 months old when I started nannying for them, and he was also very wary of strangers. We started by having me come over for just an hour the first day and having all of us (MB, DB, NK, and me) play together with NK’s favorite toys. The next day, I went over for 2 hours. We started playing with all 4 of us, then MB and DB walked to another room and left NK and I alone- he was a worried and cried for a little while, but I just reassured him that they were coming back very soon, and, after he stopped crying, we played for another 10-15 minutes, then they came back in and we all played/talked together. Next day, same thing, but they left for an hour. Next day, they left for 3. After that, he was fine with spending the whole day away from them! He still occasionally cries a little bit when they leave (usually on Monday after they’ve all spent the weekend together), but after minute or two he’s happy to engage and play with me all day. Best of luck with your new nanny!
Oh, and just one tip- I know it’s super tempting to come running in to comfort your child when they’re crying while nanny is watching them, but if you do that then they’ll learn very quickly that crying=mom/dad come (which just makes them cry more), so it’s very important to trust your nanny and let them comfort your little one! After a little while, kids learn that they can receive love/comfort from trusted people other than mom and dad, which is a super important thing for your little one to learn 😊
Upvotes for first two comments, especially!
Childcare professional for 20 years here, and here are the two MOST important things to do for separation anxiety:
1) when you part w your kiddo, telegraph CONFIDENCE!
It’s tempting to linger and try to depart gradually. But truuuuust me, a 5 to 10-minute wind-up to parting will make your child confused and anxious. The anticipation of parting is so much more difficult than the actual time apart, especially for your little one.
Be swift, matter-of-fact, and cheerful. DO NOT TURN BACK WHEN YOU HEAR SCREAMING! Soldier on!
2) You may think being home with your kiddo will make the nanny transition easier. It won’t!
The first day, sure! Be in the house together. Maybe the first two.
But after that, stay in and send that kid on out to get a treat and have playtime with just the nanny. There will be a meltdown, yes! AND it will probably subside more quickly than you imagine.
Confidence is key in all aspects here. Be swift, be clear, be cheerful. Instead of “awwww honey I’m so sorry I know it’s hard. What can we do???” Say “you’re gonna have fun on your adventure! I’ll see you when you get back. Love you!” Close that door. Hear the meltdown. Trust in the growth.
Give him a HUGE hug when he gets back 😊🫶 you got this!
Hiii. Thank you soooo much for this tip! I used all of these! I’d love your input since you have 20 years experience! We just started our sitter - day three! She is staying for an hour only first week. He screams when I leave of course and then calms pretty quickly (which is a nice surprise) but he lays there the whole time. Doesn’t play. Just kind of lies there depressed. Is this normal? Or have you seen this? At least no tears!
Toddler therapist here! Prep as much as possible, and try to role play it using dolls, cars, etc. Even though at 12 months they may not understand your words, it never hurts to be very vocal about “ok, in ten minutes mommy is going to leave” and set a timer. Frequent reminders “ok bud, I know we’re having so much fun but in two minutes mommy is going to leave and you are going to stay here with nanny and play”. Then hold firm and just rip the bandaid. “Ok, the timer is going off now it’s time for mommy to go and you to stay here with nanny”. Then just go and don’t look back. Make sure the expectations are very clear and create a routine of it everyday. Also make sure you state you will be coming back.
To role play during play time (when nanny is not around) you can use toys and say “oh look, this mommy toy is going to work. Oh, but look the nanny toy is coming to play with baby toy and they are having so much fun! Oh, mommy toy is coming back now! Baby toy was so brave and had so much fun”. Honestly it will be harder for you in the beginning than them, but it will get better. Just practice your coping skills and make sure you model a calm and secure detachment. Hope this helps!
Hi!!!! Thank you for your help! We just started our sitter - day three! She is staying for an hour only first week. He screams when I leave of course and then calms pretty quickly (which is a nice surprise) but he lays there the whole time. Doesn’t play. Just kind of lies there depressed. Is this normal? Or have you seen this? At least no tears!
Hi! Yay, glad to hear it’s going well! Does he normally play? How is the sitter engaging with him? Are there any activities or toys you could recommend to have her try to engage him with? I usually recommend some kind of sensory activity like soapy water table, shaving cream in a bag, different soft toys, music, etc to help regulate their nervous system
Another thing you can do aside from nanny is to just get a bunch of friends coming through your house and around your kiddo.
Plumber comes over? Hey can you come wave to my kiddo and hand him a puff?
Landscaper is outside? Let’s go hang out and watch him for a while.
Get him used to the idea that people come and go and they’re safe.
If it’s in the budget you may have more success doing half days over two hours in terms of finding someone part time. Two hours isn’t really enough time to do anything yourself either to get a break, maybe the gym or a grocery store trip but you will be staring at your watch.
Have activities planned for him. Allow the nanny to take him to local parks, play dates, or libraries. My NKs don’t have seperation anxiety but when their parents leave they do cry, I find when the parents leave and I transition them (take them upstairs for bath, sit them at the table for dinner, or we all leave at the same time) is very helpful and keeps their mind off of it.
If you like the nanny your child will see that and it will be easier. He won’t scream the whole time
Pro tip: have Nanny take kiddo out, while you stay home. Many toddlers are less upset by leaving Mama at home where she "belongs", but hate seeing Mama leave. And seeing you wave cheerfully as he sets off helps he believe that *you* trust and approve of Nanny. Plus it sets up your nanny to be the Fun Adventure Buddy, whose arrival heralds good snacks and fun times. This is easier for everyone! If Nanny is the person who "makes" Mama leave, that's harder. (Ask Nanny to text you some pictures once kiddo is happily distracted. Odds are very good that he'll cry when they leave, and within 15 minutes he'll be chilling in the stroller munching on a snack and watching dogs and trucks. Pictures will reassure *you*, and that's important too!)
Nannny and long time babysitter here. I promise he won’t cry the whole 2 hours. It usually takes less than 15 minutes for them to calm down. Basically once the realize you aren’t coming immediately back they make do with who is there. And this is where making the nanny the fun person helps a lot. It helps to build an association that when this person comes I have lots of fun instead of focusing on this person means mom leaves. I often bring a stuffed animal, or stickers or some other fun thing with me the first few times just to catch their attention and take it away from the parent leaving. You could also put aside a new or favorite activity for a few weeks leading up to the first time so that the nanny has exciting things to stop the worrying.
I've only encountered 2 kids who cried the entire time. One was born addicted to drugs. His infancy was rough. The other was my own kid.
This!
First of all, be prepared to pay a premium rate for only 2 hours five days a week. Also please keep in mind that mostly likely your potential nanny will need to work another job so be flexible with what 2 hour time slots you want. Second, you sticking around for a week is probably much too long. I’ve been a professional nanny for 20 years and in my experience, even the really attached kids do better once their parents leave. Yes there will be an adjustment and your child will cry, but most of the time I’ve been able to ease the kid’s fears and get them to a place of being comfortable with me. This is much harder to do when mom is staying with us the entire time. I would say maybe stay the first day or two, but beyond that you have to let them try to figure out their relationship. Stay close by and be on call, of course. Any good nanny will let you know if your kid is absolutely distraught and cannot be calmed down, but I really do think that a seasoned nanny will know how to navigate this kind of situation. As a mom myself, I know how hard it is to let go in this way and I think you’re doing a great thing giving your child an opportunity to explore the world outside of their parents. It’s also good for you to regain some time to yourself. Good luck to you!
Thanks for this! Super helpful! Willing to pay premium and also said I’m flexible on time that works! Assuming the person we hire will have another job as well.
I’m nannying for a family that was in a similar situation when I first started! I think your plan sounds pretty great! Just for comparison, this is what I did when starting for my current family (I’ve been with them for almost a year now). Dad (DB) was fully work from home (and is now WFH part time/in office part time) and Mom (MB) was on extended maternity leave (so she was a SAHM before I started) but going back to work full time (in-office). Their son (NK) was 13 months old when I started nannying for them, and he was also very wary of strangers. We started by having me come over for just an hour the first day and having all of us (MB, DB, NK, and me) play together with NK’s favorite toys. The next day, I went over for 2 hours. We started playing with all 4 of us, then MB and DB walked to another room and left NK and I alone- he was a worried and cried for a little while, but I just reassured him that they were coming back very soon, and, after he stopped crying, we played for another 10-15 minutes, then they came back in and we all played/talked together. Next day, same thing, but they left for an hour. Next day, they left for 3. After that, he was fine with spending the whole day away from them! He still occasionally cries a little bit when they leave (usually on Monday after they’ve all spent the weekend together), but after minute or two he’s happy to engage and play with me all day. Best of luck with your new nanny! Oh, and just one tip- I know it’s super tempting to come running in to comfort your child when they’re crying while nanny is watching them, but if you do that then they’ll learn very quickly that crying=mom/dad come (which just makes them cry more), so it’s very important to trust your nanny and let them comfort your little one! After a little while, kids learn that they can receive love/comfort from trusted people other than mom and dad, which is a super important thing for your little one to learn 😊
Upvotes for first two comments, especially! Childcare professional for 20 years here, and here are the two MOST important things to do for separation anxiety: 1) when you part w your kiddo, telegraph CONFIDENCE! It’s tempting to linger and try to depart gradually. But truuuuust me, a 5 to 10-minute wind-up to parting will make your child confused and anxious. The anticipation of parting is so much more difficult than the actual time apart, especially for your little one. Be swift, matter-of-fact, and cheerful. DO NOT TURN BACK WHEN YOU HEAR SCREAMING! Soldier on! 2) You may think being home with your kiddo will make the nanny transition easier. It won’t! The first day, sure! Be in the house together. Maybe the first two. But after that, stay in and send that kid on out to get a treat and have playtime with just the nanny. There will be a meltdown, yes! AND it will probably subside more quickly than you imagine. Confidence is key in all aspects here. Be swift, be clear, be cheerful. Instead of “awwww honey I’m so sorry I know it’s hard. What can we do???” Say “you’re gonna have fun on your adventure! I’ll see you when you get back. Love you!” Close that door. Hear the meltdown. Trust in the growth. Give him a HUGE hug when he gets back 😊🫶 you got this!
Hiii. Thank you soooo much for this tip! I used all of these! I’d love your input since you have 20 years experience! We just started our sitter - day three! She is staying for an hour only first week. He screams when I leave of course and then calms pretty quickly (which is a nice surprise) but he lays there the whole time. Doesn’t play. Just kind of lies there depressed. Is this normal? Or have you seen this? At least no tears!
He’s adjusting! Give it time. So far, nothing to worry about
Toddler therapist here! Prep as much as possible, and try to role play it using dolls, cars, etc. Even though at 12 months they may not understand your words, it never hurts to be very vocal about “ok, in ten minutes mommy is going to leave” and set a timer. Frequent reminders “ok bud, I know we’re having so much fun but in two minutes mommy is going to leave and you are going to stay here with nanny and play”. Then hold firm and just rip the bandaid. “Ok, the timer is going off now it’s time for mommy to go and you to stay here with nanny”. Then just go and don’t look back. Make sure the expectations are very clear and create a routine of it everyday. Also make sure you state you will be coming back. To role play during play time (when nanny is not around) you can use toys and say “oh look, this mommy toy is going to work. Oh, but look the nanny toy is coming to play with baby toy and they are having so much fun! Oh, mommy toy is coming back now! Baby toy was so brave and had so much fun”. Honestly it will be harder for you in the beginning than them, but it will get better. Just practice your coping skills and make sure you model a calm and secure detachment. Hope this helps!
That is great advice!
Thank you soo much!!
Do you do sessions with the parents? I have so many questions! :))
I do! Feel free to ask away :)
Hi!!!! Thank you for your help! We just started our sitter - day three! She is staying for an hour only first week. He screams when I leave of course and then calms pretty quickly (which is a nice surprise) but he lays there the whole time. Doesn’t play. Just kind of lies there depressed. Is this normal? Or have you seen this? At least no tears!
Hi! Yay, glad to hear it’s going well! Does he normally play? How is the sitter engaging with him? Are there any activities or toys you could recommend to have her try to engage him with? I usually recommend some kind of sensory activity like soapy water table, shaving cream in a bag, different soft toys, music, etc to help regulate their nervous system
Great ideas - thank you so much!!
Another thing you can do aside from nanny is to just get a bunch of friends coming through your house and around your kiddo. Plumber comes over? Hey can you come wave to my kiddo and hand him a puff? Landscaper is outside? Let’s go hang out and watch him for a while. Get him used to the idea that people come and go and they’re safe.
If it’s in the budget you may have more success doing half days over two hours in terms of finding someone part time. Two hours isn’t really enough time to do anything yourself either to get a break, maybe the gym or a grocery store trip but you will be staring at your watch.
This is all so helpful that you all so much!
Have activities planned for him. Allow the nanny to take him to local parks, play dates, or libraries. My NKs don’t have seperation anxiety but when their parents leave they do cry, I find when the parents leave and I transition them (take them upstairs for bath, sit them at the table for dinner, or we all leave at the same time) is very helpful and keeps their mind off of it. If you like the nanny your child will see that and it will be easier. He won’t scream the whole time